If SD is unwell and needs a break, she should stay in her room mostly and rest. In case she is actually about to fall ill with a virus, she and the baby should be kept apart as much as possible. In the long run, you need new jobs... 4 kids i cluding one infant on this crazy shift schedule sounds crazy.
Mine was a wonderful husband until year 7 when he completely changed. I even went as far as to ask his psychiatrist for a brain scan because I thought he may have had a temporal lobe tumour. Turns out it was CPTSD from being in the military.
Fully. And boundaries in the beginning of the relationship ship.
My ex would always ask me first if he needed help with his daughter- it was never the expectation. And he was a massive pile of garbage in the end, but at least he didn’t assume that I would be taking care of his kid.
If this husband has so much guilt about separation he needs to have guilt about forcing his stepkid to spend time with his SO and having her play mommy.
I’ve learned that just because something you say or do makes your partner mad, it doesn’t mean you are wrong. Enforcing personal boundaries can especially upset them. I believe you should take care of you and your needs first. SD doesn’t get to miss school whenever she feels like it and should be made to go, or her Dad looks out for her.
I get the rant about your partner but on a side note isn’t a 10 year old, old enough to entertain themselves? If I want to nap I tell my 8 yo I’m napping…. He can watch shows, play games, read, work on school work etc etc.
I have the same problem at my house - SD about the same age as yours being WAY TOO HIGH STRUNG around the baby/toddler. She just refuses to stop. It's exhausting for ME to be around that unreasonably high energy all the time. It's totally unhealthy for my son. Condolences, my friend.
If SD is home SICK from school you and the baby should not be anywhere near them otherwise you might get sick. Tell this to deadbeat dad and let him take care of her in her room, or SD and dad in your room. If she is sick, she should be in bed. He can sleep while she is resting I. The same room. Order some door dash soup for them to eat IN THE ROOM and away from you and baby so you guys don’t catch whatever illness is keeping SD home…
You totally need boundaries, and women as a whole (myself included) need to stop caring so dang much about upsetting other people with our wants and needs.
Figure out what you want to do for kids that are not yours, and only do those things. If the answer is NOTHING, that is ok!! You just have to make sure you clearly communicate to your SO that "as of this date, I am no longer available to do a, b, c you will need to make other arrangements."
In this specific case - if he wants to allow SD to stay home, say "great; I hope you guys have some wonderful one on one time together as I will be taking care of the baby and am not available to take care of/entertain her".
LET HIM be mad.
Those that get upset about our boundaries are the very same ones benefitting from us not having them.
Yep it really is something. Mine has few to no boundaries with his friends, his family, his ex, etc. 100% my husband could do better... if he wanted to. He doesn't or he would. That's on him, not me.
It is HARD when we first set boundaries where we had none before. There will be push back, and pouting, and anger, and frustration, and we just have to sit with it and let them be mad!!
Your being placed in a really unfair situation. Is there a reason that at 10 years old she can't be more independent? Where I live you can legally leave them home alone at 8, as long as they're mature and capable of being minimally self-sufficient.
SD is 10. She doesn’t need constant supervision as long as you are in the house in case of emergencies. You should both be able to sleep while the baby is sleeping.
Why can't you take a nap with a 10 year old? 10 is way old enough to entertain themselves for a few hours while you take a nap. I was watching two younger siblings at 11 while my mother was at work.
I'd just explain to her that you are exhausted and need a little extra sleep, and to please keep it down while you're taking a nap. Set her up with some snacks and drinks before you lay down, let her have the phone/tablet/TV and you should be fine.
It's completely unfair of him to allow her to skip school and then force YOU to entertain her. YOU are supposed to be on maternity leave! You are supposed to be resting and nurturing your baby, not entertaining a spoiled girl who's just skipping school for no reason.
If your SO wants her to skip school, then HE should entertain her while YOU rest.
How needy is this 10 year old? If my 9 year old stayed home from school. I would tell her I'm having a nap and to watch TV. She would be fine.
You are making problems.
Some 10 yr olds are not like that. I have a 8 year old who would be cool with that, but my 10 yr old SD would not handle it as she needs more attention.
If she is staying home because she is sick, then she needs no entertaining. She is sick so she stays in her room and rests all day. Period. When my step kids are sick they are to stay in their room so no one else gets sicks (especially a baby). I bring them food but that's about it.
What would he do if you weren’t around? That’s what he should be doing.
I would let him stay awake. It’s his daughter, so he can look after her. If that means he’s exhausted, then that’s the natural consequence.
100% this.
If SD is unwell and needs a break, she should stay in her room mostly and rest. In case she is actually about to fall ill with a virus, she and the baby should be kept apart as much as possible. In the long run, you need new jobs... 4 kids i cluding one infant on this crazy shift schedule sounds crazy.
Agreed! If you’re “sick” then you’re sick! No entertaining from me. She lays down all day in bed with a book or some television.
Also, other women, please stop marrying men like this. There had to be warning signs.
Mine was a wonderful husband until year 7 when he completely changed. I even went as far as to ask his psychiatrist for a brain scan because I thought he may have had a temporal lobe tumour. Turns out it was CPTSD from being in the military.
Oh man, that must have been awful.
Fully. And boundaries in the beginning of the relationship ship. My ex would always ask me first if he needed help with his daughter- it was never the expectation. And he was a massive pile of garbage in the end, but at least he didn’t assume that I would be taking care of his kid. If this husband has so much guilt about separation he needs to have guilt about forcing his stepkid to spend time with his SO and having her play mommy.
True word.
I’ve learned that just because something you say or do makes your partner mad, it doesn’t mean you are wrong. Enforcing personal boundaries can especially upset them. I believe you should take care of you and your needs first. SD doesn’t get to miss school whenever she feels like it and should be made to go, or her Dad looks out for her.
I get the rant about your partner but on a side note isn’t a 10 year old, old enough to entertain themselves? If I want to nap I tell my 8 yo I’m napping…. He can watch shows, play games, read, work on school work etc etc.
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I have the same problem at my house - SD about the same age as yours being WAY TOO HIGH STRUNG around the baby/toddler. She just refuses to stop. It's exhausting for ME to be around that unreasonably high energy all the time. It's totally unhealthy for my son. Condolences, my friend.
Completely makes sense. Have you worded it in this way to him?
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My DW feels the same way about her daughter who went through divorce at 3.5. She is almost 12 now and DW still parents her like she's 4. It's creepy.
If SD is home SICK from school you and the baby should not be anywhere near them otherwise you might get sick. Tell this to deadbeat dad and let him take care of her in her room, or SD and dad in your room. If she is sick, she should be in bed. He can sleep while she is resting I. The same room. Order some door dash soup for them to eat IN THE ROOM and away from you and baby so you guys don’t catch whatever illness is keeping SD home…
You totally need boundaries, and women as a whole (myself included) need to stop caring so dang much about upsetting other people with our wants and needs. Figure out what you want to do for kids that are not yours, and only do those things. If the answer is NOTHING, that is ok!! You just have to make sure you clearly communicate to your SO that "as of this date, I am no longer available to do a, b, c you will need to make other arrangements." In this specific case - if he wants to allow SD to stay home, say "great; I hope you guys have some wonderful one on one time together as I will be taking care of the baby and am not available to take care of/entertain her". LET HIM be mad. Those that get upset about our boundaries are the very same ones benefitting from us not having them.
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Yep it really is something. Mine has few to no boundaries with his friends, his family, his ex, etc. 100% my husband could do better... if he wanted to. He doesn't or he would. That's on him, not me. It is HARD when we first set boundaries where we had none before. There will be push back, and pouting, and anger, and frustration, and we just have to sit with it and let them be mad!!
Your being placed in a really unfair situation. Is there a reason that at 10 years old she can't be more independent? Where I live you can legally leave them home alone at 8, as long as they're mature and capable of being minimally self-sufficient.
SD is 10. She doesn’t need constant supervision as long as you are in the house in case of emergencies. You should both be able to sleep while the baby is sleeping.
Why can't you take a nap with a 10 year old? 10 is way old enough to entertain themselves for a few hours while you take a nap. I was watching two younger siblings at 11 while my mother was at work. I'd just explain to her that you are exhausted and need a little extra sleep, and to please keep it down while you're taking a nap. Set her up with some snacks and drinks before you lay down, let her have the phone/tablet/TV and you should be fine.
It's completely unfair of him to allow her to skip school and then force YOU to entertain her. YOU are supposed to be on maternity leave! You are supposed to be resting and nurturing your baby, not entertaining a spoiled girl who's just skipping school for no reason. If your SO wants her to skip school, then HE should entertain her while YOU rest.
For being 40, he’s not acting very grown up. He can stay up and he’ll live.
How needy is this 10 year old? If my 9 year old stayed home from school. I would tell her I'm having a nap and to watch TV. She would be fine. You are making problems.
Some 10 yr olds are not like that. I have a 8 year old who would be cool with that, but my 10 yr old SD would not handle it as she needs more attention.
How is OP making problems? Obviously this 10 year old isn't just chilling watching TV. It's not her child, that's the problem
That’s what I was thinking. I have a 10 year old and don’t have to entertain him all day
If she is staying home because she is sick, then she needs no entertaining. She is sick so she stays in her room and rests all day. Period. When my step kids are sick they are to stay in their room so no one else gets sicks (especially a baby). I bring them food but that's about it.