Oh 100% and I’ve been firm about not wanting to leave her. It just seems so fucking odd to me that people want to be alone with a baby that isn’t their own? I’ve never had that urge to shoo away a mother from her very young child, and just don’t understand it.
My in laws are like this. My mil is like telling me I’m nursing my 12 week old too often and that I need to get him on a schedule. Like for you? I don’t get it and it’s making me not want to be around her.
wtf is up with in-laws??! Last week my MIL said she can’t wait until I stop nursing so she can feed the baby… like hello, that’ll be a sad day when I have to give formula (because I’m back at work and unable to maintain supply), not something for you to look forward to
It is so weird! My MIL offered to watch our ebf baby when she was a newborn so we could go for a meal. I think she meant well but honestly that was the last thing I wanted. I hate people holding my babies when they are brand new.
It’s super annoying and can make moms feel guilty. And they say it’s to “help.” If you really want to help, feel free to clean my kitchen or something lol not take my baby.
They want to play “mom”. I’m so glad my family wasn’t like this. Hold your ground. Just tell them you don’t plan on leaving her with anyone any time soon. Shut it down.
I don't think its weird. My mom has been pretty upfront that it's just different when I'm around and when I'm not. When the parent is around with the child, the parent is being deferred to or steps in. That's perfectly fine and expected, but the experience she had with my kids is completely different when I'm there than when she is solely in charge. She respects my wishes and boundaries but it's still different.
She doesn't shoo me or anything but she's absolutely offered to watch my kids from young ages and enjoys it a lot. And I enjoy that they love their gigi and get some time with her without me around to influence the relationship.
But that's all because I trust her and am comfortable with it. And unlike most people here seem to feel I do actually want people to take my baby sometimes. I hold her all damn day and want the use of my arms lol
My daughter is basically a momma's girl, and every time we have visited her grandparents, it would take awhile for her to even warn up to them. My MIL is super patient tho, and doesn't rush her. This past father's day, my husband took his parents out to eat and I didn't go because I figured if I wasn't there, she would actually interact with them. It worked! Well... With grandma, we think she's scared of Grandpa's beard lol so that's gonna take a little more time. But I am glad her experience was different since she didn't have to be concerned about bring attached to my hip. She's 16 months, and I haven't been away from her for more than an hour. Hopefully we can start the process to where she's more comfortable with staying with her grandparents.
I think it really depends on the relationship and the age of the kid. Your level of trust with the person matters, and whether it’s a newborn that you do want to be in charge of and step in with (esp if you’re breastfeeding and people want to take over feedings from you or don’t know the baby’s hunger and sleep cues and think they should stay up to play/entertain the relatives), all plays into it. Your mom sounds super sweet but not every relative pushing to be with the newborn is!
People can be selfish and ignorant to the real needs of the mom - taking the baby, especially that early, is not the help we want. Tell them you plan to nurse, not bottle feed right now and there will be a day you may take up their offer but not today!
Sounds like my mil. Every single time we see her she mentions babysitting and I will NEVER trust her with my son. I won’t even leave the room!
I was just saying last night next time she brings it up it’s going to be hard not to say something
I can’t trust mine alone with my baby. On top of the many sexual in nature comments she’s made (oh you’re changing her diaper? I get to see her private parts!), the last time she came over, she had the absolute nerve to tell me not to feed my baby because “she’s not actually hungry”, then she tried to force a pacifier on her to “stop the cluster feeding) after we told her our baby hates pacifiers. Now I won’t even leave her alone in the next room over after she pulled that stunt.
What is it about people wanting to see a nappy change? My MIL does this but only when it’s my husband doing it. When it’s me she stays clear and then as soon as it’s my husband she gets up and follows him out to watch while I have my back turned!!
Yes I notced that too with this older generation. Also they always took pictures of their babies naked on the changing table. I get that it‘s innocent bla bla… but I never took a single photo of my children naked, they don‘t exist. I never understood why I would ever need such a picture in our photo album or even show them to family or my children when they‘re adults. My husband and his brothers were always embarassed when these photos of themselves were thrown around at family gatherings by their mother
I have a theory about this. It’s almost always boomer grandmothers who act this way. They were part of a generation of women who were brainwashed into treating their babies like dolls. They were taught that formula is better, that babies need to be independent, that holding them is spoiling them etc. And like dolls, their babies were passed around for nappy changes and bottle feeds and sleepovers with grandma.
Because of that weird culture, our MIL’s generation missed out on a big chunk of bonding with their own babies, and now they feel like it’s their turn to have the cute baby doll experience with their grandchildren.
They don’t get how much times have changed and the idea that the mother is even really part of the equation goes over their heads a bit because they were treated like incubators themselves - it was their job to provide a cute baby for the extended family to fuss over, and they expect the same from us. It’s really quite sad when you think about it.
I think it's a good theory, I can see some of this. The formula thing in particular. My MiL is generally great but I KNOW she's a bit gutted that breastfeeding has gone so well for me second time round Vs first baby.. she can try to hide it but I see right through her 🤣
She's secretly disappointed cos if he was on bottles by now like my first she could be feeding him, taking him "out" for longer without me (or trying to) but as it is he's exclusively BF and a frequent snacker haha
My grandmother is the same way about wanting to give my baby bottles. At one point I was combo feeding him while struggling to establish breastfeeding (he's now EBF) and my grandmother told me that combo feeding is great because "he gets his nutrition AND you get to breastfeed."
As if I'm breastfeeding solely because I enjoy it and I'm depriving him of his nutrition.
I’m so sorry you had to hear that absolute nonsense. Thank you for being an awesome mama who does what works for her family. I’ve casually recited all the health benefits and how it’s the healthiest food for baby while I nurse as a kind of backhanded comment to deal with that kind of thing… After my in-laws denied that there was a bonding benefit for baby 🤦♀️ Mamas get to choose how to feed, period!
Omg I thought I was the only one whose MIL kept saying that I was going to spoil the baby or create bad habits by holding him! I was so angry and annoyed at being told this. He’s my baby I will hold him whenever I want. Who is anyone to tell someone to not hold their own baby. Mega annoying
My 2yo and 9mo are very much attached to me. They cry for me a lot and every time they do, he says, "You created this." (Our first 2, now teens, were raised to be more independent and I held them less....bond was weaker because of it. I refuse to make the same mistake with these two.)
It annoys me every time I hear those words because I remind him that I know and it's a good thing for now. It's getting old. I communicated that to him and he's finally avoiding that phrase. Even acknowledges that it's a good thing but reminds me of facts that me escaping my babies for a break is more difficult. (he thinks they don't want him....is frequently proven wrong when they do choose him over me.)
Stand firm. The bond is necessary to instill trust and connection.
My (more generous but probably wrong) theory: they had totally unsupportive partners and family, did all the work on their own, and don’t want us to burn out the way they did… mixed with being drunk with love for their grandbaby. Idk I have been frustrated and annoyed but hope it comes from a good place
Definitely not the case with my Mum lol. She had no support but her attitude is definitely one of ‘I managed, so can you, now it’s my turn to enjoy the babies’.
My MIL is actually pretty supportive and I think your theory is right in her case. She can be a tad overbearing but she mostly really wants to help. My theory was referring specifically to the type of grandparents that trample everyone’s boundaries and act entitled to the baby (which certainly isn’t all grandparents!)
Omg this is amazing. You just clearly articulated my inarticulate grumbling and observations over the years w my kids and some crazy boomer grandparents. Absolutely describes my in-laws to a t. I think also shorter maternity leaves and a different level of bonding expected (esp with fathers) back in the day, and it’s what I see so often... They think it’s their turn to parent. They said I should leave my baby with them and be free to work more—absolutely not with how they are. They doubted and backtalked my decision and ability to BF, and when they finally asked if they could feed a pumped bottle I’m pretty sure they could feel my silent rage from across the room 😅
Well yeah, I get still having motherly instincts and wanting to love on your grandchildren, and I encourage that from my Mum and MIL. But we’re talking specifically about overbearing grandmothers who want to take the baby away from Mum before she’s ready, encourages Mum not to breastfeed so that others can have a turn, and generally act entitled even if it’s against the best interest of their grand baby/the Mum. They treat their grandchildren like toy dolls to be passed around and treat the Mum like she’s just there to provide a baby for everyone to play with. It’s a bit different.
Yes and this really bothers me. Like it’s one thing if the baby’s parents *ask* for someone to watch them. It’s another thing completely for people to keep asking and suggesting and pestering for you to leave baby with them unsupervised, especially that little.
My FIL/step-MIL have been asking since we first told them I was pregnant at 7 weeks and I repeatedly told them we’ll let them know when we’re ready for someone to babysit but that baby likely won’t be out of my sight for at least the first few months. Then my full term 40 week baby ended up with a 9 day long NICU stay and when we called our parents to tell them about the emergency c section, traumatic birth, and baby being in the NICU their response was “so when can we meet him??” Like excuse me I just told you my child almost died and your immediate reaction is when can you meet him?? Not now buddy. Then 2 weeks later when my baby had *just* been discharged from the NICU and been home for only 3 days, FIL said “so when can I babysit?” and step-MIL said to FIL “bad time to ask, she’s hormonal and protective right now” and I about lost it on them. My child nearly died, we didn’t get to hold him for the first 4 days of his life, he has only been home for 3 days, and he is exclusively breastfed…like no one is coming between us and our baby right now and you’re lucky we even let you come meet him.
Thank you! He’s 5.5 weeks now and thriving 😊 it was a really rough and unexpected start to his life but he’s doing amazing now and we are absolutely soaking it all up!
I’m so glad he’s ok!! I do think sometimes the worst we hear/deal with from family who doesn’t act supportive like they should helps us set healthy boundaries with them later, knowing what we can and can’t trust them with. At least that’s the silver lining I try to find after tough postpartum moments dealing with selfish behavior. I’ve learned to set boundaries for my health!
My mom told me all the time in the first couple weeks to let her babysit. I was and still at 6 month exclusively nursing. I have not let anyone babysit her as there is no need. I don’t relax when away from my baby!
I don't pump at all since I stopped working and the comments I got from people asking if they can feed baby a bottle annoyed me to no end. No, I will not drag out my pump so you can feed my baby too fast only to hand him back to me after he projectile vomits. Or people asking where his pacifier is since he's hungry. Well if he's hungry, why would a pacifier be a logical choice to give him just because you're "not done holding him?"
The pacifier!!! It’s either then trying to give it to her when she’s hungry to keep holding her or saying she must be hungry since she spits it out!
We only use it at night after a feed to put her in the bassinet to make it easier for her.
Seriously!?! I have had 4 Babies. Babies 1 and 3 fully refused the Paci. Baby 3 sucked her fingers. Baby 4 lost weight because she took paci but I had a difficult time telling if she was hungry or needed comfort suck (a paci). I limited it to only the car seat or others using it when I wasn't available.
She gained her weight back. Doc almost had me supplement with formula.
When my first was a newborn my MIL would come over to help and she would be so pushy about me leaving the house to have time to myself. I wasn’t comfortable leaving but she pushed so hard that I did a few times and was just miserable with anxiety. She’d literally shoo me out of my own home. I had my second about a week ago and she’s trying to do the same thing. I’m standing my ground this time and have not left. This time I give her jobs around the house. You do what makes you feel comfortable!
If I’m honest my own mum was like this when she was here immediately postpartum, totally unhelpful and having her here was way more stress than any sort of help. I think it might be more a generational thing rather than a MIL thing? The difference is whether they actually listen to you and respect what you want for your LO. TBH my mum was also confused as to why we weren’t sleeping through the night because as a newborn I apparently slept from 7pm-2am and then from 2.30-8am 🙃and helpfully kept telling my husband and I that when we said we didn’t get much sleep!
My baby is almost 8 months and I still haven’t left her longer than 1 feeding window (~2-3h). It’s totally normal to feel this way at 6 weeks (!!!), it’s way early still. Just tell them thanks but you’re not looking for a baby sitter at this stage.
Yes oh my gosh, and they say it like they are doing you a favor? Like just admit you are asking for yourself. Our little lady is 15 weeks now and people still haven’t stopped. My mom lives 90 minutes away and has been begging for a sleep over since she was 10 weeks. Why???
I hateee when they do it under the guise of helping. My FIL always asks “do you want me to hold her?” instead of just asking to hold my baby. Just ask! I don’t mind if you hold her. But do I WANT to give her to someone else to hold? No not normally.
I honestly don't understand the desire to want other people's kids without their parents, and I would feel like such a creep for asking. My in-laws do this and it skeeves me out. And I know folks say for the bonding time or whatever, but my kid is barely even a toddler. What on earth are you going to do for "bonding" without me that you can't do with me?
I think sometimes they feel like if you aren't there, the kid is going to interact/ love on them more because obviously as their mum when we are there they tend to stick closer to us / naturally prefer to interact with us over, say, grandparents.
This is a generalisation obvs but something that definitely happens for us. Not saying that they are right or trying to excuse their behaviour!! but I think it's often a big part of it. Get 'mommy' out the picture for a bit and baby / toddler is more likely to let them have cuddles and be clingy to them instead sort of thing 🤷
Tbh it's selfish, thinking about their own wants and needs rather than what's best for mum or baby. But I genuinely think a lot of boomer relatives / in laws especially don't recognise that.
Ah, interesting. It still makes me uncomfortable, but that's definitely a side I hadn't thought of. (Although I still can't imagine wanting a reluctant baby's mom to leave so I, as an adult, can get more attention from said baby. Lol.)
If it’s any consolation, my baby is 8 months old tomorrow and I still haven’t left him with anyone but my husband. At 6 weeks if someone told me they want to watch him unsupervised I would’ve had a tough time not laughing in their face. Your baby is so brand new, it’s normal not to want to be separate from her.
Push back. There’s no reason to leave baby unless it’s something YOU need. Get used to confidently having boundaries because that’s your life as a parent- boundaries with your kids boundaries with your adult family.
My MIL is overall great and can be held to boundaries but she’s constantly pushing them because “it doesn’t hurt to ask” (I disagree but whatever). I’m petty enough to not let her get away with insisting she’s helping me by holding or walking the baby. It’s fine that she wants to and she can because she’s gramma, but it’s a privilege.
Yes! My MIL told me to go take a nap immediately after coming over to visit my 5 week old for the first time. Like I get wanting to help out (I was very very sleep deprived) but trying to immediately separate me from my baby pissed me off lol
Yup. Those constant comments did not help my crippling ppa about leaving baby. I still find the ‘oh, he said he wants to come home with us for the night’ comments so annoying.
This was incredibly frustrating to me. And how people made such a big deal about how they’d be “helping me”. No, if you want to help me, clean my house or bring me dinner. Don’t take my newborn away from me. Ugh this still strikes a nerve and my baby is 7 months old
I get this all the time too. I can’t help but feel offended. For me it’s not wanting a break for my kid as much as it is wanting a helping pair of hands to help me around the house with a few things post partum. (Loading the dishwasher or rotating the laundry) or just heating up leftovers while I feed my baby!! It’s funny when you say that to people it’s crickets. So I guess you don’t want to help? Lol..Mostly just want the company and someone to be like “hang in there, it’s hard but you got this”
My mother in law is a toxic, troubled woman who I will never trust alone with my son, I don’t even like her visiting - she was here for 20 minutes yesterday and said about 20 crazy things in that length of time. We both prefer visiting her so we can leave as she regularly overstays her welcome and does the craziest things.
The second we told her I was pregnant she started talking about babysitting, she brought it up countless times before he was born and still mentions it every time we see her. I haven’t even left him with my mom yet (who I trust entirely), and will NEVER leave him with myMIL. I am so tempted to say something like, “we remember you’ve offered, we haven’t forgotten.” But I know it’s not worth it. It gives me so much anxiety because I know she’ll be expecting to babysitting, but I will never trust her - i don’t even trust her with my dog, so she’ll be waiting forever and hopefully she eventually gets the hint but I don’t think she’ll ever stop asking
It doesn’t help that her cousin and his wife trusted her with their two NICU babies from birth, and she still babysits them regularly. Wild to me!
My MIL is also both insane & toxic, & is under the impression the only reason she doesn’t babysit is because she lives a few hours out of town. She mentions frequently how she needs to move here so she can “help” & babysit. Idk how to break it to her that idgaf where she lives she’ll never be alone with my kids. The first time she held my youngest (of 3! In 4 years! So this isn’t new) she very much did not support her head at all. Like ma’am you clearly are not fit to keep any baby, let alone 3.
I recommend getting a Baby Doll (realistic = help her get her Baby fix/it's a joke/it'sa message); Cheap and not realistic = It's a joke/it's a message) and telling her she can Babysit that one.
Would be nice to get one of those parenting class robot Babies I heard about. Tell her she can take care of that but they're (Searching Google Now for price) $400 to $2000 from "RealCare Baby". (Didn't know if links are allowed so I didn't post one. This company has different kinds of dolls like shaken Baby Syndrome, Premie, and many other situations to include choking Infant simulator dolls so you can practice just in case Baby chokes on something.) If you can afford it, buy it and have it ready. Next time she asks to Babysit, tell her she can have Robo Baby.
Otherwise a cheap, toy Baby Doll will be just as effective. MIL: "When are you going to let me Babysit?!?" Me: "Here's Baby George. He's been giving me problems lately. You can babysit him any time. I gotta feed Jr. right now. Let me know if Georgie gives you any problems. I'll pick him up in a few hours. THANKS!"
(No....my personality wouldn't allow me to do this but I dream of it.)
I've been mad about my MIL all day and I just want to say fuck everybody. You are generous and thoughtful to give them any time and have now just thought of them more than they've considered you, the mother who carried and birthed and feeds the child. Fuck them, especially for trying to change the way you choose to feed your baby for them. Please say concretely to them that you aren't ready to do that and you'll let them know if you ever are.
My MIL has also pushed us to go out on date night etc away from the baby. I know it comes from a good place but my baby is only 4 weeks old!! We went out for dinner and I spent the whole time distracted and worried.
My MIL/FIL insisted on taking my EBF 7 week old (at the time) baby unsupervised on Mother’s Day. They persisted multiple times after we told them ‘no’ and finally said “just give her a bottle so we can have her”! Needless to say my feelings were incredibly hurt that they’d even ask to take my first baby on Mother’s Day of all days.
I don’t leave my baby with my in-laws. My mother in law tells me every time she sees me that contact napping is a bad habit and implies I need to sleep train him. Nope 👎🏻 He’s 8 months for reference.
It’s so frustrating but that is also crazy young to be pushing that kind of agenda on you. I know some people are happy to have a break in the newborn weeks but the vast majority are not, so you’re not alone.
I had no intentions of leaving my EBF baby for a long time (I had extended maternity leave so had the luxury of this) and made it very very clear to both mum and MIL that the more I was pushed the more I’d drag my heels. Think they soon realised blind support was the way to go so that it was them id ask to babysit when I DID feel ready.
My stepmom was like that in the beginning, but he won't take a bottle so it was easy to say no. She had no interest in seeing both of us. Now it's like she doesn't even care he exists.
Yeah. People are hella weird. My MIL kept inviting my baby places. I would just say, well she’s breastfeeding and so she goes where I go. Or realistically I think she’s not ready for that. To my husband I say I’m absolutely not pumping just so people can hang out with a baby. Your health and wellbeing are intrinsically tied to your babies. Keeping you happy and healthy is so important. If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.
I relate sooo much... This has been driving me nuts since I first got pregnant, now 6 months PP 😿 The way people test my boundaries, invade our bond, suggest stupid things just so they can have unsupervised access, or play out fantasies aloud about them and my baby... it always surprises me the way older women especially are, do they just completely forget?... I hope I'm never that clueless. So preoccupied with themselves and their fantasies that they forget my brain is hardwired towards protecting my baby and we NEED each other and it's not natural to be seperate, I'm not a deer or a meerkat who just effs off for the day leaving their baby wherever. It triggers my anxiety and makes me less likely to trust a person if they are so eager to get rid of me to get to my baby. I'm not a disposable mother and you don't get one of us without the other.
I’m not an anxious person normally, and I get a bit anxious going back to bed in the morning with my mom watching my 5 week old downstairs in my house… and my moms a perinatal nurse!
Not wanting to leave your baby with someone else that young is just natural!!
You dont have to do anything you don’t want. My parents and MIL offer to care for my Bby so I can get some sleep, I can’t sleep if he is not close by so it’s no help.
How often do you have to see / spend time with them? If it's infrequently hopefully you can just fob them off and keep boundaries held and they'll get the message. If you are having to deal with these comments all the time it'll really start grating on you and stressing you out!
I would say if it's the matter your partner really needs to step up and have a chat with them / back you up so hopefully they'll back off!
It's YOUR baby, not theirs. Don't feel pressured into leaving them with anyone. It's natural to feel anxious about that. You're doing great and holding these boundaries as a new mum can be really tough especially if you aren't used to being that way naturally!
I think we said “no” enough times for people to finally quit asking lol
When people would say “oh you can leave the baby here and go do xyz”, I’d tell them “you better be ready to whip out a boob when he gets hungry”
Yes my MIL always asks when they can have my kids over night. Since my first kid was a baby. They live an hour away… like… how is that supposed to be relaxing for me? She also was abusive towards her own children and it seems like she now wants to „make it all right“ with my children but I will never let them be alone with her.
I never understood it either. My in laws offer to watch her for date nights and stuff but it’s always a ‘when you’re ready, I’m here’ conversation, not a ‘hurry up and leave the baby with me alone’ one. Maybe it’s because MIL also breastfed? I don’t get it
My daughter is 13 months old. I’ve only not been by her side on 3 occasions that do not include her NICU stay or following surgical procedures, I spent every night in the hospital bed with her afterwards. The first one was 8 weeks old for an hour when her dad watched her while I went to an OBGYN appointment. The next was having to drop off my car to the shop, so she was following in dad’s car for the drop off and then back home after picking it up. The last one was Mother’s Day when dad took her to get flowers while I took a morning nap.
People tell me I need to leave her all the time now. And I’m sorry, but it’s just not happening. She’s fed through her g-tube for most of her feedings all day long and she has a colostomy bag that I’m not risking it leaking and her having to suffer waiting for a bag change and risk it irritating her skin. She gets the colostomy bag removed soon but I still don’t trust anyone else with her feeds when I am not around. They are more than welcome to visit with me around. If not, tough luck, bye bye.
My boyfriend’s mom can’t wait for sleepovers and I just laughed at her when she said it even though she was talking to my daughter and not me.
LOL! Sleep Overs! I'd say....THANKS FOR OFFERING! When are you thinking? What should I bring with us for the visit? Are we going to have a pillow fight too? I'll bring the Popcorn and Snacks, You put together 10 movies and we'll pick 4 to watch together! We can do an Ouiji board and play Truth and Dare! There's also Monopoly, Chutes and Ladders, and Clue!
We'll stay up ALL NIGHT and have LOTS OF FUN!
Say it with all thehigh pitched vocal energy and smiles of an excited Tween. Jump excitedly for effect. Of course, Baby comes with you amd will probably keep you up all night anyway.
Bahahahaha!!!
My daughter has always been a good sleeper when she was little, dream fed when she started getting fussy and right back to sleep. So she’d only creep in like she used to do when my boyfriend lived there for a little bit and just barge in without knocking. That’s how I met her for the first time. She walked in on us laying in bed the next morning talking before I had to leave for work 🤣🤣 talk about awkward
When she’s older they will lose interest in watching her 😂 it really is as simple as babies are cute and ”easy” - they don’t talk back, have opinions etc. They’re cute and sweet and people are greedy and entitled. You don’t owe them anything! It is totally normal to not want to leave your small infant. She is so, so tiny still.
My son is 10 and ive never left him with any family until he was 5+ years old. When they would ask I would simply say "No." You are not entitled to leave your child with anyone, family or not! And you also dont need to give a reason for your choice.
We now have a new baby boy who is 4 months old and nobody asks me this time around because they know what I will say. If they do ask, ill just say "No"
My MIL so generously offered to watch my 10 day old (only 3 days home from this hospital at that point) so I could go to the grocery store 😒.
She had also made a comment to my baby, “we gotta get you on a bottle!” She was a week old and EBF. I shut her down both times and she took the hint.
Not sure why people want to babysit alone so soon. Now’s the time to stand up for what you want for your family. Their time will come! 🩷
Oh my god that's awful and kind of hilarious at the same time... Not for you but hilarious that she even said that. Just what kind of crazy is she to think that's 'helpful' to tell you to go so the shopping while recovering from birth and trying to bond with your baby 🤣 wtf is wrong with people
I get bottle comments as well (more sneaky / less obvious). It grinds me loads especially given how much I struggled to bf my first and how fricking hard I fought to get this bf journey on track (nothing against formula at all - just cos I wanted to for my own convenience and time saving not having to do bottles!).
Right?? Like I wasn’t even cleared to drive at that point, I’m not going to the grocery store crazy lady. She could’ve offered to pick some things up for us instead
And I totally get the BF journey is tough!! Hope that it was successful for you.
You don’t have to leave your baby with ANYONE. I’m solo parenting and my baby hasn’t stayed with anyone and she’s almost 6months. I’m thinking about doing it when she starts solids/water because I’m afraid of someone feeding her.
I’m 7m pp and still hate leaving her. I work overnight because she sleeps through the night now and I know she’s fine. People have asked me to go on trips and whatnot and I can’t fathom being away. We were together every second for almost 42 weeks before she was born!!!! I don’t understand still why w a breastfeeding baby the mom and baby aren’t assumed a package deal together. Family has ample time in the future when baby’s more self sufficient and you actually need them around. At 6 weeks, this is more about your family feeling important than actually giving you alone time… exhaust that in the terrible twos LOL
My sister in laws were begging my husband to have me and him go to the wedding we were invited to when baby was TWO WEEKS so they could babysit her alone. girl what. hell freaking nah. even if i wasn’t exclusively breastfeeding I still would not leave her. in what world.
it's seriously disturbing and tiring how much family wants you to leave baby with them, I was so exhausted by the constant push by MIL early on to let her watch the baby whist I run an errand or sleep, or chill out or go out with hubby. He is 17weeks now and I still get pushed and feel uncomfortable by it. I wish people would just let mothers do this at their own pace.
My kids 18 months and I've left him 2x for less than 2 hours. I'm not ready to leave him and yes they ask but I say No. Don't let anyone try to make you leave your child if you don't want too!
My baby is 5 months and the most I’ve done is let the guests watch my baby while I nap for an hour or two. I can still monitor and come out when needed.
I’ve never left my baby alone and I’m not home.
It’s really weird. My baby is 14 months old and still hasn’t been without me longer than a 20 minute trip to Walmart. She doesn’t need to be alone with anyone other than her parents
My family lives across the country, so no. But my mom keeps talking about how much she’s going to be holding my 5 month old when she visits. I haven’t told her it’s not gonna happen like that yet
I have 2 teenagers, a 2yo, and 9mo. I have 2 perspectives on this (younger self and older self). YS me was always looking for babysitting so I could work, go to school, and clean house easier. OS me wants to slap YS me for not cherishing my time with my elder Babies more. I had few (now nobody) who wanted to help with my Babies. OS Me sees how special it is to even see an infant, much less get to hold and care for Infant without anyone micromanaging me.
I think those who want to be with your Baby want that special feeling. It also makes them proud that you trust them with Baby. They might say it's to give you a break but in reality, Babies are cuter and easier to manage than toddlers, older children, and many Teenagers.
I also discovered Babies really need to be connected to Mom for their first year of life (see cultures from Africa...their babies cry less and are always given to Mom when they do) and probably longer. Don't feel bad about saying no. You can explain all your research in hopes better understanding helps end the badgering BUT....No is also a complete sentence.
Hope this helps.
My baby never took a bottle so she was never away from me for more than 30 minutes and only with my husband. They can all F off. It’s biologically normal for you to not want to leave the baby
I got hatred from not wanting to attend family gathering but idc loooolllllllll just attending one after my baby turn 8 weeks and making clear boundaries on leaving me alone when I need to breastfeed. People are weird to feel entitled to a baby. My husband had to remind his relatives that "she's not a toy but a human being"
Omg this! I have a year of paid maternity leave (I don’t live in the USA), on month 8 and my husband always gets asked when or if I can pup so I can leave baby with extended family (I don’t work, what am I gonna do?). He always says “we tried giving him a bottle and he doesn’t like it”.
I don’t know why people want to watch the baby by themselves. At their house. Maybe so they can pretend he’s theirs? Either way, my house is baby proofed, theirs isn’t so for the meantime I’m only comfortable leaving him with people for periods (1-3 hours) at my house.
Idk it’s just so odd, you want me to go for a walk down the street so you can have private time with a baby? What are you gonna do that you can’t do if I’m nearby/in the next room?
Or do they think that a baby is a burden? Like I’m sorry you weren’t skilled enough with kids that parenting felt like a burden and now you think you’re doing me a favour. I love every second with my baby.
They are the weird ones not you.
Side note I think they ask my husband because they know I’d look at them and say something that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Stand your ground, you do you. You’re doing a great job!
I think it is kind for them to offer to watch the baby, but absolutely not okay to be pushy! I definitely would not have left my baby at 6 weeks old with anyone other than my spouse. I also would never pump (creating extra work for me) just so someone else could "feed the baby."
Yeah I didn’t really leave her with anyone except maybe 2 hours at a time once or twice until she was more like 8 or 9 months, and even then it was short bc we were still bf. She’s 2 now and she spends time at her grandparents all the time, has done overnights, is super socialized. They will have their time and she will be fine. They just don’t know how stressful leaving a bf kid is
I felt the exact same way around 6 weeks (he’s 9 weeks now). I feel a little bit better about it now but it’s still frustrating. Set your boundary. You’re still bonding. They will get their time with LO when you are ready
Some people just want to play with your baby. Maybe feed them things even though they're too young.
When you become a parent it's time to declare you are an adult. You make the rules and allowances for *your* baby. Don't leave her if you aren't completely comfortable with it.
People don't understand that other people's babies are not for their entertainment. Just say no.
No is a complete sentence.
Keep up the good work. You get to make the decisions for your baby. She wasn't made to entertain your relatives.
I think it’s mostly well-meaning, honestly. I’ve had mom friends tell me one of their biggest regrets was not taking any time for themselves early on so they just totally lost themselves in their babies. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone, but your family may just be trying to make sure you really understand it’s okay to take some time so you get the opportunity and don’t feel bad. Most of us are bad at asking for what we want so letting you know they are willing to watch baby is their way of feeling helpful. That being said, if you’ve made it very clear that you’re not comfortable with it, they should back off.
My in-laws were like this, and when I would get up to give them a moment they tossed baby around like a photo prop and jostled him playing some silly game—at 2 days old. Not everyone who wants the baby alone can be trusted. They were very selfish and pushy and it’s hard to hold boundaries when you’re a new exhausted mama.
I’m sorry they’re being like this. It sounds like they’re so excited they’re acting selfish— they want to feed and see and bogart the baby so you should accommodate them bc it’s about them and what they want. But you don’t have to. Some people go off the rails when a new baby comes in, but it is *your* child, and your precious bonding time with the child. You owe them nothing, but you owe you and your baby the bonding time you want together (and breaks if/when you want them too). They should be supporting you and your decisions, and listening when you tell them your decisions; if they’re not, they don’t really deserve more invites (whatever the social pressure you may feel).
And what you’re feeling is completely natural — just try getting a baby away from any other species and see — you’d get bit. It’s really natural to want to be with them all the time and to feel uncomfortable leaving them alone! Sorry if I sound negative I’ve just seen relatives be so weirdly selfish. But do what works for you. Please feel free to honor your instincts, mama.
This is just the norm for some people. Personally once my baby is fed I'm happy to hand him off to anyone who wants to keep him entertained/do skin to skin or tummy time so I can spend time with my toddler or have any personal time. This is "the village" we're meant to have when raising children. But if they are over me telling boundaries and not being helpful, "no" is a complete sentence.
Oh sister, we are twins. My littlest is 6 weeks old too. I have numerous people that have offered multiple times to watch her so that I can go have “me time,” or so I can nap, etc. On one hand it stresses me out because I just want to soak up this precious ML time 1:1 with her and it’s almost making me feel selfish. On the other hand, I’m trying to see it as them wanting to be helpful and assuming I’m overwhelmed. On top of it all, our hormones are whacked so it just amplified the situation.
We all have different tolerance levels. I trust my MIL to watch my child and care for her according to my wishes. We gave her to MIL for a few hours when she was 4 days old so we could attend our birth and babies class. If I thought for one second she’d do anything I wouldn’t personally do as my baby’s mother I would have shut it down. I have a touch of oppositional defiance disorder too I think. Had she pressured me, the answer would have been no. In my case our baby needed formula for a bit, so we had that opportunity. I pump now and she has had her for a few hours on three other occasions and baby is almost 6 weeks. I wanted her to have a really close relationship with her Grandma but that’s my own situation. Most people wouldn’t be making that decision I don’t think
I can’t imagine asking a mother to wean her baby so I could have unfettered access. That demonstrates extremely poor judgement
The only person that watched my kid when she was super young was her godmother/my bff. My mom has health issues and couldnt handle a newborn. My bff has 5 girls so she knows what she’s doing. I had no clue lol. She helped so much with me there and I appreciated the breaks. When I went back to work my daughter was with her. No one else ever tried to push me into letting them watch her coz they knew the godmother had dibs lol.
Counter argument- my SIL was mentally unwell, and wasn’t taking care of herself and it manifested in post partum psychosis and we offered to give her a break so she could shower or workout, and she refused. This was during the height of Covid, and her child was unfortunately not well socialized and only knew how to interact with his mom so he ended up being kind of a weird kid.
I’m pregnant and about to give birth and I am so down to get breaks and have others watch my baby. I think it can be hard to take a break, but is also important. That being said, I would only leave the baby with people you trust. They say it takes a village 🤷♀️
My mom thinks my baby is a doll. She basically just want to hold him while sitting or lying down on the bed or sing him songs. And she keeps saying leave it to me 🥲 she doesn’t even care to rock him or walk with him. When she tried givin him a bottle (we sometimes integrate with formula but he is mainly breastfed) he almost choked. She is paying no attention. She is a nice person but I think she is too old and does not remember anything about growing babies 😅I am sorry that my child will not grow up close to his grandparents because they live far away but from a certain point of view I prefer it this way.
You don’t have to leave your child with anyone unsupervised if you don’t want to.
Oh 100% and I’ve been firm about not wanting to leave her. It just seems so fucking odd to me that people want to be alone with a baby that isn’t their own? I’ve never had that urge to shoo away a mother from her very young child, and just don’t understand it.
My in laws are like this. My mil is like telling me I’m nursing my 12 week old too often and that I need to get him on a schedule. Like for you? I don’t get it and it’s making me not want to be around her.
My MIL tried it when my first was a newborn, I immediately shut that down. She was offended. I did not care!
This is the way!!! They are so innappropriate, holy crap!
I had a similar encounter. I'm now her biggest enemy and she talks shit about me every chance she gets 🤷♀️
wtf is up with in-laws??! Last week my MIL said she can’t wait until I stop nursing so she can feed the baby… like hello, that’ll be a sad day when I have to give formula (because I’m back at work and unable to maintain supply), not something for you to look forward to
It is so weird! My MIL offered to watch our ebf baby when she was a newborn so we could go for a meal. I think she meant well but honestly that was the last thing I wanted. I hate people holding my babies when they are brand new.
It’s super annoying and can make moms feel guilty. And they say it’s to “help.” If you really want to help, feel free to clean my kitchen or something lol not take my baby.
THIS!! Preach it.
They want to play “mom”. I’m so glad my family wasn’t like this. Hold your ground. Just tell them you don’t plan on leaving her with anyone any time soon. Shut it down.
I don't think its weird. My mom has been pretty upfront that it's just different when I'm around and when I'm not. When the parent is around with the child, the parent is being deferred to or steps in. That's perfectly fine and expected, but the experience she had with my kids is completely different when I'm there than when she is solely in charge. She respects my wishes and boundaries but it's still different. She doesn't shoo me or anything but she's absolutely offered to watch my kids from young ages and enjoys it a lot. And I enjoy that they love their gigi and get some time with her without me around to influence the relationship. But that's all because I trust her and am comfortable with it. And unlike most people here seem to feel I do actually want people to take my baby sometimes. I hold her all damn day and want the use of my arms lol
My daughter is basically a momma's girl, and every time we have visited her grandparents, it would take awhile for her to even warn up to them. My MIL is super patient tho, and doesn't rush her. This past father's day, my husband took his parents out to eat and I didn't go because I figured if I wasn't there, she would actually interact with them. It worked! Well... With grandma, we think she's scared of Grandpa's beard lol so that's gonna take a little more time. But I am glad her experience was different since she didn't have to be concerned about bring attached to my hip. She's 16 months, and I haven't been away from her for more than an hour. Hopefully we can start the process to where she's more comfortable with staying with her grandparents.
I think it really depends on the relationship and the age of the kid. Your level of trust with the person matters, and whether it’s a newborn that you do want to be in charge of and step in with (esp if you’re breastfeeding and people want to take over feedings from you or don’t know the baby’s hunger and sleep cues and think they should stay up to play/entertain the relatives), all plays into it. Your mom sounds super sweet but not every relative pushing to be with the newborn is!
People can be selfish and ignorant to the real needs of the mom - taking the baby, especially that early, is not the help we want. Tell them you plan to nurse, not bottle feed right now and there will be a day you may take up their offer but not today!
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Sounds like my mil. Every single time we see her she mentions babysitting and I will NEVER trust her with my son. I won’t even leave the room! I was just saying last night next time she brings it up it’s going to be hard not to say something
I can’t trust mine alone with my baby. On top of the many sexual in nature comments she’s made (oh you’re changing her diaper? I get to see her private parts!), the last time she came over, she had the absolute nerve to tell me not to feed my baby because “she’s not actually hungry”, then she tried to force a pacifier on her to “stop the cluster feeding) after we told her our baby hates pacifiers. Now I won’t even leave her alone in the next room over after she pulled that stunt.
What is it about people wanting to see a nappy change? My MIL does this but only when it’s my husband doing it. When it’s me she stays clear and then as soon as it’s my husband she gets up and follows him out to watch while I have my back turned!!
Yes I notced that too with this older generation. Also they always took pictures of their babies naked on the changing table. I get that it‘s innocent bla bla… but I never took a single photo of my children naked, they don‘t exist. I never understood why I would ever need such a picture in our photo album or even show them to family or my children when they‘re adults. My husband and his brothers were always embarassed when these photos of themselves were thrown around at family gatherings by their mother
oh helllll no 😵💫😵💫
I have a theory about this. It’s almost always boomer grandmothers who act this way. They were part of a generation of women who were brainwashed into treating their babies like dolls. They were taught that formula is better, that babies need to be independent, that holding them is spoiling them etc. And like dolls, their babies were passed around for nappy changes and bottle feeds and sleepovers with grandma. Because of that weird culture, our MIL’s generation missed out on a big chunk of bonding with their own babies, and now they feel like it’s their turn to have the cute baby doll experience with their grandchildren. They don’t get how much times have changed and the idea that the mother is even really part of the equation goes over their heads a bit because they were treated like incubators themselves - it was their job to provide a cute baby for the extended family to fuss over, and they expect the same from us. It’s really quite sad when you think about it.
I think it's a good theory, I can see some of this. The formula thing in particular. My MiL is generally great but I KNOW she's a bit gutted that breastfeeding has gone so well for me second time round Vs first baby.. she can try to hide it but I see right through her 🤣 She's secretly disappointed cos if he was on bottles by now like my first she could be feeding him, taking him "out" for longer without me (or trying to) but as it is he's exclusively BF and a frequent snacker haha
My grandmother is the same way about wanting to give my baby bottles. At one point I was combo feeding him while struggling to establish breastfeeding (he's now EBF) and my grandmother told me that combo feeding is great because "he gets his nutrition AND you get to breastfeed." As if I'm breastfeeding solely because I enjoy it and I'm depriving him of his nutrition.
that quote just filled me up with rage in an instant
Ohhh my god nooooo!
Oh god 😮 that's... So awful! Can't believe she said that
I’m so sorry you had to hear that absolute nonsense. Thank you for being an awesome mama who does what works for her family. I’ve casually recited all the health benefits and how it’s the healthiest food for baby while I nurse as a kind of backhanded comment to deal with that kind of thing… After my in-laws denied that there was a bonding benefit for baby 🤦♀️ Mamas get to choose how to feed, period!
Imagine being upset about that. Wow 😳😳
Omg I thought I was the only one whose MIL kept saying that I was going to spoil the baby or create bad habits by holding him! I was so angry and annoyed at being told this. He’s my baby I will hold him whenever I want. Who is anyone to tell someone to not hold their own baby. Mega annoying
My 2yo and 9mo are very much attached to me. They cry for me a lot and every time they do, he says, "You created this." (Our first 2, now teens, were raised to be more independent and I held them less....bond was weaker because of it. I refuse to make the same mistake with these two.) It annoys me every time I hear those words because I remind him that I know and it's a good thing for now. It's getting old. I communicated that to him and he's finally avoiding that phrase. Even acknowledges that it's a good thing but reminds me of facts that me escaping my babies for a break is more difficult. (he thinks they don't want him....is frequently proven wrong when they do choose him over me.) Stand firm. The bond is necessary to instill trust and connection.
You’re so right it likely has an impact on the connection. Good for you for standing firm!
My (more generous but probably wrong) theory: they had totally unsupportive partners and family, did all the work on their own, and don’t want us to burn out the way they did… mixed with being drunk with love for their grandbaby. Idk I have been frustrated and annoyed but hope it comes from a good place
Definitely not the case with my Mum lol. She had no support but her attitude is definitely one of ‘I managed, so can you, now it’s my turn to enjoy the babies’. My MIL is actually pretty supportive and I think your theory is right in her case. She can be a tad overbearing but she mostly really wants to help. My theory was referring specifically to the type of grandparents that trample everyone’s boundaries and act entitled to the baby (which certainly isn’t all grandparents!)
Omg this is amazing. You just clearly articulated my inarticulate grumbling and observations over the years w my kids and some crazy boomer grandparents. Absolutely describes my in-laws to a t. I think also shorter maternity leaves and a different level of bonding expected (esp with fathers) back in the day, and it’s what I see so often... They think it’s their turn to parent. They said I should leave my baby with them and be free to work more—absolutely not with how they are. They doubted and backtalked my decision and ability to BF, and when they finally asked if they could feed a pumped bottle I’m pretty sure they could feel my silent rage from across the room 😅
Or it could be just because motherly instinct doesnt die when the get old….who knows. Estrogen does weird things.
Well yeah, I get still having motherly instincts and wanting to love on your grandchildren, and I encourage that from my Mum and MIL. But we’re talking specifically about overbearing grandmothers who want to take the baby away from Mum before she’s ready, encourages Mum not to breastfeed so that others can have a turn, and generally act entitled even if it’s against the best interest of their grand baby/the Mum. They treat their grandchildren like toy dolls to be passed around and treat the Mum like she’s just there to provide a baby for everyone to play with. It’s a bit different.
Oh no doubt…they over compensate. Motherly instict is the catalyst is all im saying.
I 1000000% hate this. And it’s always under the guise of “helping” you even when you’re explicit that it’s NOT something you want.
It’s so out of pocket. I don’t understand why other people feel so entitled to other people’s children.
Yes and this really bothers me. Like it’s one thing if the baby’s parents *ask* for someone to watch them. It’s another thing completely for people to keep asking and suggesting and pestering for you to leave baby with them unsupervised, especially that little. My FIL/step-MIL have been asking since we first told them I was pregnant at 7 weeks and I repeatedly told them we’ll let them know when we’re ready for someone to babysit but that baby likely won’t be out of my sight for at least the first few months. Then my full term 40 week baby ended up with a 9 day long NICU stay and when we called our parents to tell them about the emergency c section, traumatic birth, and baby being in the NICU their response was “so when can we meet him??” Like excuse me I just told you my child almost died and your immediate reaction is when can you meet him?? Not now buddy. Then 2 weeks later when my baby had *just* been discharged from the NICU and been home for only 3 days, FIL said “so when can I babysit?” and step-MIL said to FIL “bad time to ask, she’s hormonal and protective right now” and I about lost it on them. My child nearly died, we didn’t get to hold him for the first 4 days of his life, he has only been home for 3 days, and he is exclusively breastfed…like no one is coming between us and our baby right now and you’re lucky we even let you come meet him.
I'm so angry for you. I hope your baby is doing ok. ♥️
Thank you! He’s 5.5 weeks now and thriving 😊 it was a really rough and unexpected start to his life but he’s doing amazing now and we are absolutely soaking it all up!
So happy to hear it!
I’m so glad he’s ok!! I do think sometimes the worst we hear/deal with from family who doesn’t act supportive like they should helps us set healthy boundaries with them later, knowing what we can and can’t trust them with. At least that’s the silver lining I try to find after tough postpartum moments dealing with selfish behavior. I’ve learned to set boundaries for my health!
My mom told me all the time in the first couple weeks to let her babysit. I was and still at 6 month exclusively nursing. I have not let anyone babysit her as there is no need. I don’t relax when away from my baby!
I don't pump at all since I stopped working and the comments I got from people asking if they can feed baby a bottle annoyed me to no end. No, I will not drag out my pump so you can feed my baby too fast only to hand him back to me after he projectile vomits. Or people asking where his pacifier is since he's hungry. Well if he's hungry, why would a pacifier be a logical choice to give him just because you're "not done holding him?"
The pacifier!!! It’s either then trying to give it to her when she’s hungry to keep holding her or saying she must be hungry since she spits it out! We only use it at night after a feed to put her in the bassinet to make it easier for her.
Seriously!?! I have had 4 Babies. Babies 1 and 3 fully refused the Paci. Baby 3 sucked her fingers. Baby 4 lost weight because she took paci but I had a difficult time telling if she was hungry or needed comfort suck (a paci). I limited it to only the car seat or others using it when I wasn't available. She gained her weight back. Doc almost had me supplement with formula.
When my first was a newborn my MIL would come over to help and she would be so pushy about me leaving the house to have time to myself. I wasn’t comfortable leaving but she pushed so hard that I did a few times and was just miserable with anxiety. She’d literally shoo me out of my own home. I had my second about a week ago and she’s trying to do the same thing. I’m standing my ground this time and have not left. This time I give her jobs around the house. You do what makes you feel comfortable!
Why are mils so pushy about their own agenda????
I’m so proud of you standing your ground! This is your beautiful sacred time with your new little one. Do what works for you!
If I’m honest my own mum was like this when she was here immediately postpartum, totally unhelpful and having her here was way more stress than any sort of help. I think it might be more a generational thing rather than a MIL thing? The difference is whether they actually listen to you and respect what you want for your LO. TBH my mum was also confused as to why we weren’t sleeping through the night because as a newborn I apparently slept from 7pm-2am and then from 2.30-8am 🙃and helpfully kept telling my husband and I that when we said we didn’t get much sleep!
It’s gramnesia.
Perfect description!
Yep, everyone would much rather take care of your baby than you. Speaks volumes.
My baby is almost 8 months and I still haven’t left her longer than 1 feeding window (~2-3h). It’s totally normal to feel this way at 6 weeks (!!!), it’s way early still. Just tell them thanks but you’re not looking for a baby sitter at this stage.
I’m the same at 11 months.
Yes oh my gosh, and they say it like they are doing you a favor? Like just admit you are asking for yourself. Our little lady is 15 weeks now and people still haven’t stopped. My mom lives 90 minutes away and has been begging for a sleep over since she was 10 weeks. Why???
I hateee when they do it under the guise of helping. My FIL always asks “do you want me to hold her?” instead of just asking to hold my baby. Just ask! I don’t mind if you hold her. But do I WANT to give her to someone else to hold? No not normally.
I honestly don't understand the desire to want other people's kids without their parents, and I would feel like such a creep for asking. My in-laws do this and it skeeves me out. And I know folks say for the bonding time or whatever, but my kid is barely even a toddler. What on earth are you going to do for "bonding" without me that you can't do with me?
I think sometimes they feel like if you aren't there, the kid is going to interact/ love on them more because obviously as their mum when we are there they tend to stick closer to us / naturally prefer to interact with us over, say, grandparents. This is a generalisation obvs but something that definitely happens for us. Not saying that they are right or trying to excuse their behaviour!! but I think it's often a big part of it. Get 'mommy' out the picture for a bit and baby / toddler is more likely to let them have cuddles and be clingy to them instead sort of thing 🤷 Tbh it's selfish, thinking about their own wants and needs rather than what's best for mum or baby. But I genuinely think a lot of boomer relatives / in laws especially don't recognise that.
Ah, interesting. It still makes me uncomfortable, but that's definitely a side I hadn't thought of. (Although I still can't imagine wanting a reluctant baby's mom to leave so I, as an adult, can get more attention from said baby. Lol.)
Oh totally agree 🤣 but let's not forget some people are just odd ha
If it’s any consolation, my baby is 8 months old tomorrow and I still haven’t left him with anyone but my husband. At 6 weeks if someone told me they want to watch him unsupervised I would’ve had a tough time not laughing in their face. Your baby is so brand new, it’s normal not to want to be separate from her.
Push back. There’s no reason to leave baby unless it’s something YOU need. Get used to confidently having boundaries because that’s your life as a parent- boundaries with your kids boundaries with your adult family. My MIL is overall great and can be held to boundaries but she’s constantly pushing them because “it doesn’t hurt to ask” (I disagree but whatever). I’m petty enough to not let her get away with insisting she’s helping me by holding or walking the baby. It’s fine that she wants to and she can because she’s gramma, but it’s a privilege.
Yes! My MIL told me to go take a nap immediately after coming over to visit my 5 week old for the first time. Like I get wanting to help out (I was very very sleep deprived) but trying to immediately separate me from my baby pissed me off lol
Yup. Those constant comments did not help my crippling ppa about leaving baby. I still find the ‘oh, he said he wants to come home with us for the night’ comments so annoying.
I HATE when people “talk” for my baby. Like did he??? Did he actually say that???
My MIL’s favorite thing to say, “She says she wants to come see grandma!” while my baby is literally clinging to me with all her strength 🙃
I will only leave my baby with very few people when I'm not around. I don't trust very easily.
This was incredibly frustrating to me. And how people made such a big deal about how they’d be “helping me”. No, if you want to help me, clean my house or bring me dinner. Don’t take my newborn away from me. Ugh this still strikes a nerve and my baby is 7 months old
I get this all the time too. I can’t help but feel offended. For me it’s not wanting a break for my kid as much as it is wanting a helping pair of hands to help me around the house with a few things post partum. (Loading the dishwasher or rotating the laundry) or just heating up leftovers while I feed my baby!! It’s funny when you say that to people it’s crickets. So I guess you don’t want to help? Lol..Mostly just want the company and someone to be like “hang in there, it’s hard but you got this”
Every time they ask give them a list of chores they can do instead since they are so helpful! They'll stop.
My mother in law is a toxic, troubled woman who I will never trust alone with my son, I don’t even like her visiting - she was here for 20 minutes yesterday and said about 20 crazy things in that length of time. We both prefer visiting her so we can leave as she regularly overstays her welcome and does the craziest things. The second we told her I was pregnant she started talking about babysitting, she brought it up countless times before he was born and still mentions it every time we see her. I haven’t even left him with my mom yet (who I trust entirely), and will NEVER leave him with myMIL. I am so tempted to say something like, “we remember you’ve offered, we haven’t forgotten.” But I know it’s not worth it. It gives me so much anxiety because I know she’ll be expecting to babysitting, but I will never trust her - i don’t even trust her with my dog, so she’ll be waiting forever and hopefully she eventually gets the hint but I don’t think she’ll ever stop asking It doesn’t help that her cousin and his wife trusted her with their two NICU babies from birth, and she still babysits them regularly. Wild to me!
My MIL is also both insane & toxic, & is under the impression the only reason she doesn’t babysit is because she lives a few hours out of town. She mentions frequently how she needs to move here so she can “help” & babysit. Idk how to break it to her that idgaf where she lives she’ll never be alone with my kids. The first time she held my youngest (of 3! In 4 years! So this isn’t new) she very much did not support her head at all. Like ma’am you clearly are not fit to keep any baby, let alone 3.
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I recommend getting a Baby Doll (realistic = help her get her Baby fix/it's a joke/it'sa message); Cheap and not realistic = It's a joke/it's a message) and telling her she can Babysit that one. Would be nice to get one of those parenting class robot Babies I heard about. Tell her she can take care of that but they're (Searching Google Now for price) $400 to $2000 from "RealCare Baby". (Didn't know if links are allowed so I didn't post one. This company has different kinds of dolls like shaken Baby Syndrome, Premie, and many other situations to include choking Infant simulator dolls so you can practice just in case Baby chokes on something.) If you can afford it, buy it and have it ready. Next time she asks to Babysit, tell her she can have Robo Baby. Otherwise a cheap, toy Baby Doll will be just as effective. MIL: "When are you going to let me Babysit?!?" Me: "Here's Baby George. He's been giving me problems lately. You can babysit him any time. I gotta feed Jr. right now. Let me know if Georgie gives you any problems. I'll pick him up in a few hours. THANKS!" (No....my personality wouldn't allow me to do this but I dream of it.)
I've been mad about my MIL all day and I just want to say fuck everybody. You are generous and thoughtful to give them any time and have now just thought of them more than they've considered you, the mother who carried and birthed and feeds the child. Fuck them, especially for trying to change the way you choose to feed your baby for them. Please say concretely to them that you aren't ready to do that and you'll let them know if you ever are.
It’s like the shiny new toy and everyone wants a turn. You will never regret this time with your baby. Hold her closer.
My MIL has also pushed us to go out on date night etc away from the baby. I know it comes from a good place but my baby is only 4 weeks old!! We went out for dinner and I spent the whole time distracted and worried.
My MIL/FIL insisted on taking my EBF 7 week old (at the time) baby unsupervised on Mother’s Day. They persisted multiple times after we told them ‘no’ and finally said “just give her a bottle so we can have her”! Needless to say my feelings were incredibly hurt that they’d even ask to take my first baby on Mother’s Day of all days.
I don’t leave my baby with my in-laws. My mother in law tells me every time she sees me that contact napping is a bad habit and implies I need to sleep train him. Nope 👎🏻 He’s 8 months for reference.
It’s so frustrating but that is also crazy young to be pushing that kind of agenda on you. I know some people are happy to have a break in the newborn weeks but the vast majority are not, so you’re not alone. I had no intentions of leaving my EBF baby for a long time (I had extended maternity leave so had the luxury of this) and made it very very clear to both mum and MIL that the more I was pushed the more I’d drag my heels. Think they soon realised blind support was the way to go so that it was them id ask to babysit when I DID feel ready.
There will always be those people. They just don’t get it or are selfish! Do what makes you happy and comfortable
My stepmom was like that in the beginning, but he won't take a bottle so it was easy to say no. She had no interest in seeing both of us. Now it's like she doesn't even care he exists.
Yeah. People are hella weird. My MIL kept inviting my baby places. I would just say, well she’s breastfeeding and so she goes where I go. Or realistically I think she’s not ready for that. To my husband I say I’m absolutely not pumping just so people can hang out with a baby. Your health and wellbeing are intrinsically tied to your babies. Keeping you happy and healthy is so important. If it doesn’t feel good, don’t do it.
I relate sooo much... This has been driving me nuts since I first got pregnant, now 6 months PP 😿 The way people test my boundaries, invade our bond, suggest stupid things just so they can have unsupervised access, or play out fantasies aloud about them and my baby... it always surprises me the way older women especially are, do they just completely forget?... I hope I'm never that clueless. So preoccupied with themselves and their fantasies that they forget my brain is hardwired towards protecting my baby and we NEED each other and it's not natural to be seperate, I'm not a deer or a meerkat who just effs off for the day leaving their baby wherever. It triggers my anxiety and makes me less likely to trust a person if they are so eager to get rid of me to get to my baby. I'm not a disposable mother and you don't get one of us without the other.
My MiL is like this and I refused. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do!
I’m not an anxious person normally, and I get a bit anxious going back to bed in the morning with my mom watching my 5 week old downstairs in my house… and my moms a perinatal nurse! Not wanting to leave your baby with someone else that young is just natural!!
You dont have to do anything you don’t want. My parents and MIL offer to care for my Bby so I can get some sleep, I can’t sleep if he is not close by so it’s no help.
This!!! Just hold your ground and do what’s best for you and baby. Don’t feel pressured. You’re doing great ❤️
How often do you have to see / spend time with them? If it's infrequently hopefully you can just fob them off and keep boundaries held and they'll get the message. If you are having to deal with these comments all the time it'll really start grating on you and stressing you out! I would say if it's the matter your partner really needs to step up and have a chat with them / back you up so hopefully they'll back off! It's YOUR baby, not theirs. Don't feel pressured into leaving them with anyone. It's natural to feel anxious about that. You're doing great and holding these boundaries as a new mum can be really tough especially if you aren't used to being that way naturally!
I think we said “no” enough times for people to finally quit asking lol When people would say “oh you can leave the baby here and go do xyz”, I’d tell them “you better be ready to whip out a boob when he gets hungry”
this is insane to me. i’d tell them don’t hold their breath.
Yes my MIL always asks when they can have my kids over night. Since my first kid was a baby. They live an hour away… like… how is that supposed to be relaxing for me? She also was abusive towards her own children and it seems like she now wants to „make it all right“ with my children but I will never let them be alone with her.
I never understood it either. My in laws offer to watch her for date nights and stuff but it’s always a ‘when you’re ready, I’m here’ conversation, not a ‘hurry up and leave the baby with me alone’ one. Maybe it’s because MIL also breastfed? I don’t get it
My daughter is 13 months old. I’ve only not been by her side on 3 occasions that do not include her NICU stay or following surgical procedures, I spent every night in the hospital bed with her afterwards. The first one was 8 weeks old for an hour when her dad watched her while I went to an OBGYN appointment. The next was having to drop off my car to the shop, so she was following in dad’s car for the drop off and then back home after picking it up. The last one was Mother’s Day when dad took her to get flowers while I took a morning nap. People tell me I need to leave her all the time now. And I’m sorry, but it’s just not happening. She’s fed through her g-tube for most of her feedings all day long and she has a colostomy bag that I’m not risking it leaking and her having to suffer waiting for a bag change and risk it irritating her skin. She gets the colostomy bag removed soon but I still don’t trust anyone else with her feeds when I am not around. They are more than welcome to visit with me around. If not, tough luck, bye bye. My boyfriend’s mom can’t wait for sleepovers and I just laughed at her when she said it even though she was talking to my daughter and not me.
LOL! Sleep Overs! I'd say....THANKS FOR OFFERING! When are you thinking? What should I bring with us for the visit? Are we going to have a pillow fight too? I'll bring the Popcorn and Snacks, You put together 10 movies and we'll pick 4 to watch together! We can do an Ouiji board and play Truth and Dare! There's also Monopoly, Chutes and Ladders, and Clue! We'll stay up ALL NIGHT and have LOTS OF FUN! Say it with all thehigh pitched vocal energy and smiles of an excited Tween. Jump excitedly for effect. Of course, Baby comes with you amd will probably keep you up all night anyway.
Bahahahaha!!! My daughter has always been a good sleeper when she was little, dream fed when she started getting fussy and right back to sleep. So she’d only creep in like she used to do when my boyfriend lived there for a little bit and just barge in without knocking. That’s how I met her for the first time. She walked in on us laying in bed the next morning talking before I had to leave for work 🤣🤣 talk about awkward
When she’s older they will lose interest in watching her 😂 it really is as simple as babies are cute and ”easy” - they don’t talk back, have opinions etc. They’re cute and sweet and people are greedy and entitled. You don’t owe them anything! It is totally normal to not want to leave your small infant. She is so, so tiny still.
My son is 10 and ive never left him with any family until he was 5+ years old. When they would ask I would simply say "No." You are not entitled to leave your child with anyone, family or not! And you also dont need to give a reason for your choice. We now have a new baby boy who is 4 months old and nobody asks me this time around because they know what I will say. If they do ask, ill just say "No"
My MIL so generously offered to watch my 10 day old (only 3 days home from this hospital at that point) so I could go to the grocery store 😒. She had also made a comment to my baby, “we gotta get you on a bottle!” She was a week old and EBF. I shut her down both times and she took the hint. Not sure why people want to babysit alone so soon. Now’s the time to stand up for what you want for your family. Their time will come! 🩷
Oh my god that's awful and kind of hilarious at the same time... Not for you but hilarious that she even said that. Just what kind of crazy is she to think that's 'helpful' to tell you to go so the shopping while recovering from birth and trying to bond with your baby 🤣 wtf is wrong with people I get bottle comments as well (more sneaky / less obvious). It grinds me loads especially given how much I struggled to bf my first and how fricking hard I fought to get this bf journey on track (nothing against formula at all - just cos I wanted to for my own convenience and time saving not having to do bottles!).
Right?? Like I wasn’t even cleared to drive at that point, I’m not going to the grocery store crazy lady. She could’ve offered to pick some things up for us instead And I totally get the BF journey is tough!! Hope that it was successful for you.
AHH thank you ❤️ it was pretty much 9 weeks of pain but we are doing good now!
Mines 14 weeks and I don’t like leaving her so I don’t
You don’t have to leave your baby with ANYONE. I’m solo parenting and my baby hasn’t stayed with anyone and she’s almost 6months. I’m thinking about doing it when she starts solids/water because I’m afraid of someone feeding her.
I’m 7m pp and still hate leaving her. I work overnight because she sleeps through the night now and I know she’s fine. People have asked me to go on trips and whatnot and I can’t fathom being away. We were together every second for almost 42 weeks before she was born!!!! I don’t understand still why w a breastfeeding baby the mom and baby aren’t assumed a package deal together. Family has ample time in the future when baby’s more self sufficient and you actually need them around. At 6 weeks, this is more about your family feeling important than actually giving you alone time… exhaust that in the terrible twos LOL
Well that's annoying. Not sure why people are like that
My sister in laws were begging my husband to have me and him go to the wedding we were invited to when baby was TWO WEEKS so they could babysit her alone. girl what. hell freaking nah. even if i wasn’t exclusively breastfeeding I still would not leave her. in what world.
Do not feel the need to even hand your baby to anyone but you and your partner.
it's seriously disturbing and tiring how much family wants you to leave baby with them, I was so exhausted by the constant push by MIL early on to let her watch the baby whist I run an errand or sleep, or chill out or go out with hubby. He is 17weeks now and I still get pushed and feel uncomfortable by it. I wish people would just let mothers do this at their own pace.
My kids 18 months and I've left him 2x for less than 2 hours. I'm not ready to leave him and yes they ask but I say No. Don't let anyone try to make you leave your child if you don't want too!
My baby is 5 months and the most I’ve done is let the guests watch my baby while I nap for an hour or two. I can still monitor and come out when needed. I’ve never left my baby alone and I’m not home.
Only 6 weeks! They'd be lucky if I let them hold my baby after 6 weeks! Did they get their Tdap vaccine? I'd be skeptical...🧐
It’s really weird. My baby is 14 months old and still hasn’t been without me longer than a 20 minute trip to Walmart. She doesn’t need to be alone with anyone other than her parents
Is this your first? With my first everyone wanted to feed her it was weird. Don't worry by your third nobody will care.
My family lives across the country, so no. But my mom keeps talking about how much she’s going to be holding my 5 month old when she visits. I haven’t told her it’s not gonna happen like that yet
My LO is 3 years old and I've still not left her with anyone - you don't have to do anything you don't want to mama
Do not leave your baby until you’re ready.
I have 2 teenagers, a 2yo, and 9mo. I have 2 perspectives on this (younger self and older self). YS me was always looking for babysitting so I could work, go to school, and clean house easier. OS me wants to slap YS me for not cherishing my time with my elder Babies more. I had few (now nobody) who wanted to help with my Babies. OS Me sees how special it is to even see an infant, much less get to hold and care for Infant without anyone micromanaging me. I think those who want to be with your Baby want that special feeling. It also makes them proud that you trust them with Baby. They might say it's to give you a break but in reality, Babies are cuter and easier to manage than toddlers, older children, and many Teenagers. I also discovered Babies really need to be connected to Mom for their first year of life (see cultures from Africa...their babies cry less and are always given to Mom when they do) and probably longer. Don't feel bad about saying no. You can explain all your research in hopes better understanding helps end the badgering BUT....No is also a complete sentence. Hope this helps.
My baby never took a bottle so she was never away from me for more than 30 minutes and only with my husband. They can all F off. It’s biologically normal for you to not want to leave the baby
I got hatred from not wanting to attend family gathering but idc loooolllllllll just attending one after my baby turn 8 weeks and making clear boundaries on leaving me alone when I need to breastfeed. People are weird to feel entitled to a baby. My husband had to remind his relatives that "she's not a toy but a human being"
Omg this! I have a year of paid maternity leave (I don’t live in the USA), on month 8 and my husband always gets asked when or if I can pup so I can leave baby with extended family (I don’t work, what am I gonna do?). He always says “we tried giving him a bottle and he doesn’t like it”. I don’t know why people want to watch the baby by themselves. At their house. Maybe so they can pretend he’s theirs? Either way, my house is baby proofed, theirs isn’t so for the meantime I’m only comfortable leaving him with people for periods (1-3 hours) at my house. Idk it’s just so odd, you want me to go for a walk down the street so you can have private time with a baby? What are you gonna do that you can’t do if I’m nearby/in the next room? Or do they think that a baby is a burden? Like I’m sorry you weren’t skilled enough with kids that parenting felt like a burden and now you think you’re doing me a favour. I love every second with my baby. They are the weird ones not you. Side note I think they ask my husband because they know I’d look at them and say something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Stand your ground, you do you. You’re doing a great job!
I think it is kind for them to offer to watch the baby, but absolutely not okay to be pushy! I definitely would not have left my baby at 6 weeks old with anyone other than my spouse. I also would never pump (creating extra work for me) just so someone else could "feed the baby."
Yeah I didn’t really leave her with anyone except maybe 2 hours at a time once or twice until she was more like 8 or 9 months, and even then it was short bc we were still bf. She’s 2 now and she spends time at her grandparents all the time, has done overnights, is super socialized. They will have their time and she will be fine. They just don’t know how stressful leaving a bf kid is
I felt the exact same way around 6 weeks (he’s 9 weeks now). I feel a little bit better about it now but it’s still frustrating. Set your boundary. You’re still bonding. They will get their time with LO when you are ready
Some people just want to play with your baby. Maybe feed them things even though they're too young. When you become a parent it's time to declare you are an adult. You make the rules and allowances for *your* baby. Don't leave her if you aren't completely comfortable with it. People don't understand that other people's babies are not for their entertainment. Just say no. No is a complete sentence. Keep up the good work. You get to make the decisions for your baby. She wasn't made to entertain your relatives.
I think it’s mostly well-meaning, honestly. I’ve had mom friends tell me one of their biggest regrets was not taking any time for themselves early on so they just totally lost themselves in their babies. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone, but your family may just be trying to make sure you really understand it’s okay to take some time so you get the opportunity and don’t feel bad. Most of us are bad at asking for what we want so letting you know they are willing to watch baby is their way of feeling helpful. That being said, if you’ve made it very clear that you’re not comfortable with it, they should back off.
My in-laws were like this, and when I would get up to give them a moment they tossed baby around like a photo prop and jostled him playing some silly game—at 2 days old. Not everyone who wants the baby alone can be trusted. They were very selfish and pushy and it’s hard to hold boundaries when you’re a new exhausted mama. I’m sorry they’re being like this. It sounds like they’re so excited they’re acting selfish— they want to feed and see and bogart the baby so you should accommodate them bc it’s about them and what they want. But you don’t have to. Some people go off the rails when a new baby comes in, but it is *your* child, and your precious bonding time with the child. You owe them nothing, but you owe you and your baby the bonding time you want together (and breaks if/when you want them too). They should be supporting you and your decisions, and listening when you tell them your decisions; if they’re not, they don’t really deserve more invites (whatever the social pressure you may feel). And what you’re feeling is completely natural — just try getting a baby away from any other species and see — you’d get bit. It’s really natural to want to be with them all the time and to feel uncomfortable leaving them alone! Sorry if I sound negative I’ve just seen relatives be so weirdly selfish. But do what works for you. Please feel free to honor your instincts, mama.
This is just the norm for some people. Personally once my baby is fed I'm happy to hand him off to anyone who wants to keep him entertained/do skin to skin or tummy time so I can spend time with my toddler or have any personal time. This is "the village" we're meant to have when raising children. But if they are over me telling boundaries and not being helpful, "no" is a complete sentence.
Oh sister, we are twins. My littlest is 6 weeks old too. I have numerous people that have offered multiple times to watch her so that I can go have “me time,” or so I can nap, etc. On one hand it stresses me out because I just want to soak up this precious ML time 1:1 with her and it’s almost making me feel selfish. On the other hand, I’m trying to see it as them wanting to be helpful and assuming I’m overwhelmed. On top of it all, our hormones are whacked so it just amplified the situation.
We all have different tolerance levels. I trust my MIL to watch my child and care for her according to my wishes. We gave her to MIL for a few hours when she was 4 days old so we could attend our birth and babies class. If I thought for one second she’d do anything I wouldn’t personally do as my baby’s mother I would have shut it down. I have a touch of oppositional defiance disorder too I think. Had she pressured me, the answer would have been no. In my case our baby needed formula for a bit, so we had that opportunity. I pump now and she has had her for a few hours on three other occasions and baby is almost 6 weeks. I wanted her to have a really close relationship with her Grandma but that’s my own situation. Most people wouldn’t be making that decision I don’t think I can’t imagine asking a mother to wean her baby so I could have unfettered access. That demonstrates extremely poor judgement
The only person that watched my kid when she was super young was her godmother/my bff. My mom has health issues and couldnt handle a newborn. My bff has 5 girls so she knows what she’s doing. I had no clue lol. She helped so much with me there and I appreciated the breaks. When I went back to work my daughter was with her. No one else ever tried to push me into letting them watch her coz they knew the godmother had dibs lol.
Counter argument- my SIL was mentally unwell, and wasn’t taking care of herself and it manifested in post partum psychosis and we offered to give her a break so she could shower or workout, and she refused. This was during the height of Covid, and her child was unfortunately not well socialized and only knew how to interact with his mom so he ended up being kind of a weird kid. I’m pregnant and about to give birth and I am so down to get breaks and have others watch my baby. I think it can be hard to take a break, but is also important. That being said, I would only leave the baby with people you trust. They say it takes a village 🤷♀️
My mom thinks my baby is a doll. She basically just want to hold him while sitting or lying down on the bed or sing him songs. And she keeps saying leave it to me 🥲 she doesn’t even care to rock him or walk with him. When she tried givin him a bottle (we sometimes integrate with formula but he is mainly breastfed) he almost choked. She is paying no attention. She is a nice person but I think she is too old and does not remember anything about growing babies 😅I am sorry that my child will not grow up close to his grandparents because they live far away but from a certain point of view I prefer it this way.