Yeah, exactly! I feel you’re actually pretty calm and nice to him about any of this!
Because if it was me when I got home, I would’ve had the locks change. I would’ve burnt all his skis and flattened all his tires and probably do a lot more but we won’t get into any more criminal activities with borderline prison time.
He’s AH doing something he planned the whole time so it was completely premeditated. Counseling is BS and he is using it as an escape goat by saying what led up to it. He’s wanting his hall pass to be given after the fact. I hope you have a good lawyer.
Scapegoat? Very common. Escape goat, not so much.
A scapegoat is one who bears the brunt of an offense someone else committed. It comes from a story in Leviticus, in which a goat was released into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest symbolically laid the sins of the Jewish people on the goat. To the extent Jesus died for your sins, he was a scapegoat as well.
To my knowledge, “escape goat” is original. When I read it, I thought it meant a vain attempt to avoid an uncomfortable situation by escaping on the back of a completely ineffectual get away animal. But hey, that’s just me.
People don’t ride goats to make a fast get away, do they?
Now he's trying to reverse the situation, trying to make you feel bad about the ski's...
I would burn the clothes, hell I would have knocked down the hotel door and punching him, anger like that it makes us blind, he was lucky you didn't trash the car and other valuable things. Still, I'm the kind of woman that don't forgive and forget cheating, if he wanted to cheat the relationship is super over, no one that cheats think about their partner, so my advice for you is to tell that stupid man to go fuck himself, leave him, tell him to leave the house, and go live your life! 😉
Why are you still with a person who prefered to get his rocks off rather thn to reply to you or get back home asap when u let him know about his cheating? He is not worth it love, but you are worth way more thn this loser. Realize that.
I think I do...but therapy to dismantle 10 years of "stuff" and how to move on felt like a healthy option..even if it ends with us parting ways. It's more of the part of him exploding about the skis and tire sitch...trying to make me feel like THAT is the straw that broke the relationship... probably just an excuse and I feel like an idiot for giving it to him. I'm just looking for some advice on what to say to him, confidence and validation on it not being a completely unreasonable response...
He would have come home to all of his stuff bagged and on the front porch. I would have put all his skis on the street with a free sign. I would have then taken a picture with me holding the middle finger in front of his free stuff and sent that to him. I would repeat with more items of his every hour or so until he responded.
Here’s the thing, he doesn’t seem to care at all that he hurt you, but cares a whole lot about your slight against him. Please put yourself first and lose the extra weight of your husband.
He ruined your marriage. And now he's pissy because you ruined a couple of skis.
Do not let him under your skin. He is trying to deflect blame.
Even I understand your reaction and my country invented skiing.
Girl look him in the face and tell him when he can get a Time Machine to go back in time to not cheat on you then you will jump on the Time Machine and not burn his ski. He is playing you to be the one that is destroying the marriage, he isn’t at all regretting his decision to cheat so don’t regret your decision on how you dealt with it. Tell him all those hours he was with her instead of you is violence against you and your marriage to him. Tell him if he thinks burning skis is comparable to him fucking another woman then he truly is delusional and it is time to part ways.
Exactly!! He just continued his romantic getaway and sexcapade with his affair partner instead of answering his wife’s attempts to reach him or running back home.
And, yet, there was wifey, welcoming him back with open arms and made to feel guilty and doubtful for burning his poor skis.
FUCK THAT!!
The only message you’re sending him, OP, is that you’re weak and lack self worth, and that he can do whatever he pleases and that you will always take him back as long as he does a little bit of dog and pony show to appease you.
Nah, that's not what happened. There were no open arms, I went home to sleep because I value myself and my work and wasn't going to let his mistake fuck my own life up to the point of no sleep, confrontation that could have gotten violent etc. I came home, cracked a bottle of wine, burned his shit and went to bed. When he came home at 6AM the following morning I lost my shit on him and asked him for truth and started to process
'*Listen big boy, if your biggest worry is that one of your five pair of skiis and a tire is broken and not how you can rebuild me trust in you and how you can show me that you respect me, then go to the police and tell them what I did with your precious things while I go to a lawyer and prepare the divorce papers.*'
If he replies anything.
'*At least I know now where I stand in your list of priorites.*'
Just out of curiosity, did he by now at least got tested for STD's or does he also not care about if he risks your health?
I asked immediately if he used protection for both STDs and heaven forbid pregnancy. He said absolutely but we are not even close to being intimate right now. Will definitely make him take a test if that would ever be the case 😞
Since the only protection against STD's is a condom, I need to ask since when condoms are 100% safe? The safety of a condom is somewhere between 89 to 98 %, the last time I checked. The difference between 89 and 98% is in if the condom is used correctly or not and yes, there are many ways to not use a condom correctly, especially if he hasn't used one for quite some time.
But even if a condom would be 100% safe, I would still send him to a test now and in 6 months just so that he starts to realize what he actually did.
Lastly, he said absolutely? Who cares? He showed you how easy it is for him to lie to you, so you are better off to be careful with what he says.
Tell him to get tested now. If you should reach the point where you want to have sex with him again, trust me, you don't want to wait a couple of days then because you want him to get tested first.
Their weekend together? Not sure if you got the context correct on this. I saw him in the morning and he was to be camping for the next two days. I tried to contact him when I got home that same night and that's when I figured it out. It was a less than 24 hour time frame.
Why are you hung up on the word "weekend" and not the part where your husband of 10 years spent weeks lying to you and planning a fancy night away to F his high school girlfriend? I'm confused by your reaction. Why are you ok with this? If this is what you expect in your marriage and it works for you, then no judgment. I'd figuratively burn the whole thing down. You just seem slightly put out. Your already talking about sleeping together in the future and worrying about STD's. You haven't even mentioned if he's sorry (my guess is not) and somehow he's made it your fault and you've hesitantly agreed to that. Again, if this works for you, no problem, but maybe don't come to reddit to complain unless you also mention this isn't a big deal to you in your marriage. Then commentors don't have to waist their time screaming about divorce or F him, etc. and you may get some thought responses to solve whatever problem you do have with this situation.
I'm just giving correct context. I'm sure somewhere deep inside saying it was one night and not a weekend is a lame attempt to make me feel a little better. I have NEVER said I was Ok with any of this. I'm not OK, I'm devastated. I've never said I was going to sleep with him in the future, someone else brought up STD's and I think it was more in reference to if he had cheated before and I didn't know and should get tested..I'm not sure how you got to that conclusion but it's kind of inaccurate and confused. It's a post that I put up to get honest opinions and advice and has been very helpful...this is not.
No. What you did is very understandable. You were lashing out at his betrayal. Perfectly normal. He’s using this to avoid the elephant in the room. Don’t let him. Has he gotten any help for his betrayal to figure out his why’s? If not he needs to get into therapy ASAP. Therapy would also help you cope with this whole situation.
Therapy is not going to make you get rid of the hurt and anger you have, and you were perfectly justified in destroying his skis and whatever else you did. Honestly, you should've been gone that night, there's really no coming back from this.
Do not pay for those skis or the tire. He can take money out of his luxury hotel and entertainment funds to pay for them. He’s lucky, I’d have done a lot more damage then what you did. It sounds like you are considering staying with him? Even if that’s the case you should consult with a lawyer to see what your situation and options will look like if you separate. He can pay for the consultation too. Also, please get tested for STD’s. Good luck and I hope you find a better partner.
Wow. And he's oblivious to how his actions are worse? Is he really that obtuse? Therapy might help but it doesn't sound like he's remorseful. Think he's only willing to consider therapy because he was caught. Your response with the ski is actually rather mild. I would have stayed at the hotel, maybe located his car, drove it home, confronted both of them. Taken pictures something. Burning his skis wasn't a mature response but understandable under the circumstances. His carrying on in shock just seems to show he has no sensitivity, no concept of the consequences of his action. Is he really that stupid? OP please think long and hard about why you want to work on this relationship. He doesn't sound invested in your marriage and he sounds totally self absorbed
The BS is the honest one. The WH and AP should be ashamed and confronting both of them at same time gets their initial, honest reaction. Behavior is a language and their reaction without time to build up their stories and lies would be the real truth. But that's me. I'm not afraid of confrontation.
I did look her up, have her phone and email... she might have a recent boyfriend but no spouse. Not sure if I want to do that. I really don't give a shit about this woman and why would she be honest with me?
So you ruined 2 material items that can be easily replaced and caused him worry for an hour (who gets so upset over skis?).
He caused you a lifetime of trauma and distress, not to mention any trust issues that may ensue and he thinks you are at fault here?
Why are you still together with this creep?
Is he still willing to do the therapy and fix the marriage? It disgusts me he went off the handle for some skis as if he didn’t completely destroy your marriage by cheating. Has he cut off and blocked the affair partner?
I don’t believe that you should feel one iota of guilt. He was only frantic for ONE HOUR. You had to wait freakin’ days. There wasn’t any “lying” on your part. Let him know that all he lost is a pair of skis and a tire, he destroyed something far more valuable, like trust, honesty, integrity, respect.
Tell him if he can replace those, you’ll pay for the skis and the tire. If not, let him know it will be a cold day in hell when you will replace them.
An act of violence. Tell him that giving you an std is considered an assault in the eyes of the law. If he infected you with hiv he could be charged with attempted murder. Why are you with this guy? He's not remorseful. Tell him an act of violence would be you tossing him on the pile with the skis. Look up the word darvo.
He is remorseful for hurting me pretty clearly, but still unclear if he regrets the affair itself and what it did for his own ego. He has said he regrets it, but I'm not sure if that is true...because you know...trust is pretty much out the window right now.
>He is remorseful for hurting me pretty clearly
I don't think he is remorseful. He regrets getting caught. He was clearly in the wrong, so he was saying the right things to avoid a divorce. But now that he found something to put over your head, he's using it to deflect and reverse the narrative to make you the bad guy. That means he really doesn't care about your feelings. He just wants to regain control of the relationship.
If he were actually remorseful and felt sorry for hurting you, he would be understanding of your pain and how it drove you to lash out. He would apologize for hurting you so much that you felt you needed to do that to feel better. But he doesn't care. He only cares about himself.
This whole thing with the skis may have been a blessing in disguise to let you know how he really feels. Do you want to see him go back to being nice? Tell him you're hurt that he can't understand the pain you went through from his betrayal and that you don't want anymore therapy - you want a divorce. Then watch him squirm and go back to being nice.
You're not in the wrong OP. Yes, you destroyed his property, but he stabbed you in the back. You sincerely apologized and offered to pay back. You can replace his skis, but he can never undo what he did.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you can find peace.
He’s only “remorseful” because he got caught. Don’t think for one second he wouldn’t have continued the affair. As a matter of question, is this the first time they’ve met up? Are you positive he doesn’t have plans to continue to see her?
Just know that there are ways for the two of them to communicate still (eg he can always retrieve her number from the list of blocked numbers and they can text each other with apps with burner numbers, etc…). Just sayin… he was already able to deceive you, so don’t put it past him to do it again…with her or with others, especially since he isn’t remorseful and is so insensitive and selfish enough to continue disrespecting you by gaslighting you with the whole ski situation. You deserve so much better…I think we all just wish you could see that for yourself 😫😫😫😪😪😪
Ok good (I guess all things considered). Don’t let him continue to gaslight and guilt trip you about his skis and car. He deserves much worse for his betrayal. I wish you the best of luck and healing!
No, he isn't remorseful in the slightest. He regrets being caught. He most likely signed you up for therapy because he wants to remain in control.
If he was remorseful, he would ask what he could do, what you want to do and bend over backwards to accommodate any of your demands.
Going to therapy is a bend over for him, he has been refusing to do the work on himself for years and is terrified of it. Signing up for therapy for himself and couples therapy at the same time seems like a commitment to sort his shit out. I just want to do the couples therapy to learn more about the past and have someone be helpful in dismantling the relationship if needed and not be a giant shit show that blows up my life any more than it has, or maybe I did something that I could improve on...not saying I deserve what happened AT ALL, but perhaps I can learn something while we part ways?
I don't know if we are going to stay together. Doesn't seem likely. the therapy will help sort through the muck and probably help me a lot to regain some self worth without just blowing things up and making life hell and chaotic. He does seem regretful from the first conversation, but who knows how real that is. I think having a mediator will help a lot to understand what is possible. I know I will have little trust in him for ever, and that can be hard for both me and him (obviously his fault) but I'm hopefull we can part not completely hating each other after seeing each other for who we are and have become together?
I agree therapy will help for the little things but it won't help you trust him again and he can cheat on you again. I know that you don't wanna be hurting anymore so I think the best thing for you is to split up because a key thing in a relationship/marriage is trust and he broke that.
He is remorseful that he got caught! He will just lie better next time. There will be a next time. He doesn’t value you - you deserve someone who would never risk hurting or losing you. You don’t even know if this was the first time.
You are right. I'm hoping therapy will allow him to be honest about that. If he has the relationship is certainly over. There was a lot of stuff that contributed to reaching this point. There is no excuse for his behavior, but honestly if I can hear the whole truth through therapy it will help me process and move on with confidence.
He’s not remorseful for hurting you OP. Because if he was he’d be trying harder to work on building your trust back and not flipping the situation on you making you seem like the villain in all this.
He doesn’t regret the affair because it was calculated. He planned this from the get go.
So he came home lied about why he did what he did. Turned it around on you and you fell for it like butter in his hands. Now you feel bad and apologized to him for doing something to his stupid skies ? Let me get this right is this what I’m hearing. So it’s ok what he did. Girl you got problems. Your husband was in a hotel room ignoring you for 2 days while he was bumping and grinding and tearing up her pussy and your apologizing. I’m dead right now. He did the reverse uno on you and made you the villain in the story.
He definitely is not sorry like u think. He will be fucking her probably today and you’re over here apologizing for something he caused. Girl get it together. I get you love him or in love with him but he needs consequences or he will do it again.
He did the most known cheater act in all the books and that’s to turn it around on you like he cheated cuz u burnt his skies. Instead of it being a reaction to his actions. If you think this was the first time you’re delusional I’m sorry. But he knows what he’s doing and you’re allowing him to disrespect you and since he got away with it he will definitely do it again. You will be looking over your shoulder now not knowing what he’s doing. He knows now that all he has to do is deal with some arguing and that he can turn it on you and you will be apologizing for what he did.
This response is not helpful, inaccurate and pretty mean spirited. It wasn't two days.... I do feel bad about burning the skis in some respect because it gave him a reason to hold me accountable for something and switch the narrative, but not because I burned them, I rather enjoyed that. You are also speculating and just venting kind of...i didn't allow him to do anything I was living my life and he did one of the worst things you can do to a partner and now I'm trying to figure out how to move on. Asking if what I did was unreasonable is the name of the post. Not if I have problems or am delusional. Thanks for that 🙄
You're right. im sorry. I guess it was about reading what you wrote and got pissed off that he acted like that and treated you like that, and you want to know if your over reacted or wrong for what you did. I feel you did what you should have done. I feel like that cheaters get away Scott free while thee afflicted are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.. I just don't want you to feel bad and apologize for doing something based on his actions because he deserves way worse in my eyes. So I'm really sorry for what I said. I'm sorry you're going through this. But I do hope you kick his dumb ass to the curb..
Ur reaction is justified! U biggest mistake is apologizing for it!!! R u kidding me! Therapy is not worth it. That’s just to satisfy u not gonna change him and u will be hurt again! He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did that’s why he got mad at u for ur reaction to his cheating. This guys a winner! Move on. Doesn’t matter how long u have been with him or anything else. U c the red flags now so b smart and get out before he hurts u again
It's wild that you feel bad at all for your response. He knew that you knew and yet he stayed up there ignoring your calls knowing how much you were hurting but he didn't care because where he wanted to be was inside of someone else. I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUUUUUUUCK THAT.
He is right that he feels hurt that you burned his ski's. He has to understand you were reacting to how painfully you were hurt by his lying deceptions and sexual betrayal of you. All in all how can he expect that you would NOT be hurt and that you would NOT want him to feel pain as well. That he is now complaining about it and trying to paint you as the "aggressor" is absurd and gaslighting. You now get to decide if you would rather live with his infidelities betrayals or leave him and start new.
Just…nope. OP, this is straight up DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Please look it up!
He’s manipulating you. And based on his behaviour after being caught, there’s no way he feels “remorse” for what he’s done and how his actions have affected you.
He feels “regret” for having been caught, and how his actions have affected him. There’s a huge difference between the two.
Also, read this, then make him read it. If he isn’t willing to do what needs to be done, then you have nothing to work with, and shouldn’t waste another moment of your time on him.
Either he’s “all in” on saving his marriage and regaining your trust, or he’s not. Actions, not words, are what matter here.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
This is Jerry Springer ghetto. There’s a reason it’s called the sunk cost FALLACY. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with the person, if they cheat on you, you leave. He ignored your messages so he could keep fucking his ex. Then he sauntered home ready to lie some more. When he saw you weren’t having it, he realized he had to switch tactics. There is no remorse. He’s just a cake eater. He was always going to, and WILL always, do whatever he wants. Especially now that he knows you won’t leave. Since he knows that his strategy changed again, to blaming you for expressing your pain and anger and trying to make his cheating seem justified. He’s even got you apologizing! Fuck him and his skis. I wouldn’t offer to buy shit. Tell him you’ll buy him new skis when he unfucks his ex. If you wanna be miserable, stay with him. He won’t change. You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to u/iamthatiam747
Stop. Just stop. He is the bad guy in this. He WANTS find ways to get mad at you so he can cheat. Tell him goodby because he is already gone. I can’t stand cheaters, especially if they start manipulating the poor spouse to excuse their behavior. You need to let him go.
Quit apologizing; that sneaky douchebag is just shifting the narrative. Stop saying “I’m sorry” RIGHT NOW
It’s simple: your husband fucked around (pun intended) and found out. Now he needs to own it
He’s an asshole. Is he really worth fighting for? *No*
He’s an AH and is attempting to make himself into the victim in this whole thing ….. He’s lucky that’s all you did, I personally would have gone ham on his car at the hotel.
He knocked over the first domino….. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
The only thing you did wrong was take him back 🙄😒👎
Screw the couples therapy. Get individual therapy for yourself to find out why you would tolerate such behavior and allow him to treat you so poorly, and yet be the one to feel guilty about it all.
Girl, with that kind of low self worth and esteem, the man for sure is going to continue to lie, cheat, and treat you like a doormat.
You are NTA he is just a dumbass who risked his marriage for a ex girlfriend who probably doesn't even love him, and on top of that, he lied to you that is not a husband you want and you need in your life
He’s making what happened to his skies more important and more morally corrupt than him breaking his vows to you. And unfortunately you are here asking us are you wrong, really????
Jesus christ, this guy has you apologizing and offering to pay for the skis you burned. Really? How much did that luxury hotel that he used marital assets to pay for cost. Did you make him get checked for std's? Did you out him to all his friends and family for having an affair. What exactly were his consequences for betraying you? I don't see any. Do you think it won't happen again? The fact is that he has gotten no consequences whatsoever. So you can be guaranteed it will. Does he work with his ap? Did you make him quit his job and get a new one? Btw, you've taught him to cover his affair better. He'll be more careful WHEN he does it again.
There’s no point everyone. She keeps making excuses. She’s not ready. She’s in denial and can’t see straight yet. OP, get therapy for yourself. You need it.
I am in therapy, it's the first thing I did to contact my previous therapist.
He's now in therapy for the first time in his life, and signed us up for couples therapy and paying for it out of pocket.
I'm not making excuses at all and appreciate all of this advice and perspective. I'm processing, it's new and I think ending the relationship through therapy is also a very healthy option. A mediator to help us navigate separation should that be how it shakes out.
NOPE. Lady, what you did is a way of releasing your anger. Was it rational? Hell no. This is better than what some might do after being betrayed like this. He is TOTALLY focused on the WRONG ISSUE. CHEATING is the problem he needs to work on, not skis and a flat tire. Good luck...this comes from experience after my ex wife cheated on me and our three kids 24 years ago.
You should not have apologized. Dont let him use this to flip the script. Does the high school girlfriend have a husband? If so tell him. Watch how your soon to be ex-husband reacts. If he flips his lid, you'll know where u stand and he's trying to protect her.
Cheating is a form of abuse. He signed you up for a lifetime of trauma and he's worried about a tire & ski's. He's lucky he has any possessions left.
Take back your apology and tell him you don't give a flying fig about his tires & ski's.
Ditto what others said except I would burn 1 of each of the remaining pairs of skis and tell him it’s your 1/2 and you will take the rest in the divorce.
He is gas lighting the MESS out of you, and I’m (with all due respect) disappointed that you apologized, bought him new skis, and actually feeling bad about getting back for him being a low dog, cheating and lying POS. You shoulda laugh in his face after telling him you burned his shii… you play dumb games you win stupid prizes. No, what you did is not unbelievable. Could some argue you coulda handled the situation better? Sure, whatever… but it’s skis for crying out loud , suck it up and buy new ones if they’re so important to you. Difference is, that incident can be reconciled pretty easily… there’s very little to no chance of reconciliation when it comes to having an affair behind your partners back. And does he not understand you did FOR A REASON??? Honestly, you shouldn’t bat an eye if he packed his stuff, leave elsewhere, then filed for divorce. You dodged a bullet, and there are better men out there for you, and if not… you’ll be better off alone. Don’t feel bad, you did a warranted thing. He needs to be held accountable
He threw away your relationship so you threw away his shit. Who cares?? What he did is WAY worse than what you've done. He can be upset about it all he wants, but he doesn't get to turn everything around on you. You're wasting your time with this child. Next time he'll just be sneakier about it. Is he actually really upset that he's betrayed your trust and ruined your marriage and hurt the woman he loves? Hate to say it but he probably isn't. You should move on.
hes trying to make this about some fuck ass pair of skis (PLEASE tell him that) so that he doesnt feel that bad about what he did. honestly dont know why you're trying to fix something you didnt break. all i have to say is is stop apologizing and stand your ground. he wanted this otherwise he wouldnt have cheated.
OP, you should be angry at him. And the fact he is manipulating this to now make you feel bad for destroying his things instead of being remorseful for what he did is disgusting.
Like if it had been me, I’d have raised hell. He cheated on you and here you are feeling bad for destroying his skis and putting a hole in the tyre when he hasn’t even really apologised for anything.
He lied to you about going solo hiking for weeks!
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think sticking your dick into someone else is the definition of solo hiking.
So look at it this way. It was all very calculated. Lied to you for weeks about his plans, spent two days at the hotel with another woman, comes back and was going to continue the lie until YOU backed him into a corner and he had to be honest. Then turns it around on you after you had an angry hurt reaction to all of this.
So lawyer up and leave. This guy isn’t worth it.
Actually, I bet many think burning his skis was getting off easy. I'll agree. It's clear he's manipulating you and making your actions the foundation for discord. He's using an interpersonal interaction rope a dope. Because he knows you respond to his anger by seeking peace, it's dangerous and disrespectful. Meanwhile, you are biding your time, and I'm thinking he's done it so much that you're questioning yourself.
This is all about taking focus off of his wrongdoings. He could have come back to an empty house, changed locks, separation and divorce paperwork, and other legal regulations.
Decide what you want and will accept; what type of relationship do you want; how to move forward and / or apart if that is what you decide.
OP your husband and all the other douche nozzles like him that gives the rest of us men a bad name. The first time he slept with another woman he destroyed the fabric of your marriage. The first time you caught him cheating the illusion he painted was destroyed. He was pissed off about his shit being damaged and destroyed. Were you in the wrong I say no but he sure used it to take the focus off him. He showed you right there that he doesn't love you or care about you. He destroyed your trust that's gone. Trust is something you can lose and if you get a chance to earn it back it's never going to be the same. Every time he says he's going to do something, you will remember what he did. That doesn't go away because he had some bullshit story about what led to his affair. WTF does he have a marriage counselor appointment on retainer. How the hell did he get you in so quick? I'm surprised that it took less than 2 weeks to get in. He doesn't really want to save your marriage. He's trying to buy time to figure out how he can continue doing what he does and still have you as a security blanket. I would be talking to a divorce attorney ASAP, that could be his other reason for buying time. He could have an attorney draw up papers with his demands, as well as making you look like the bad guy. Using the tire and skis back that story. I personally don't know of any cheaters that are a one time offender.
There are many couples counseling sites that connect you quickly with someone in your area for counseling and you can do it via video chat instead of office visits. He looked at several, forwarded me the info and we made a decision together on which we thought fit our needs. Our first session was good and the therapist was a nice match for our styles of communication.
I know you are right and sad that trust will never be the same...it's my biggest concern. I wake up every day now and when I remember what has changed recently each morning it breaks my heart over and over.
My situation was before they did online sessions. There was only one place to go for counseling where I was.
I had a fire as well and she made it about that. She would use that as her defense in every guilt fueled fight she started after that. I caught her one time. She got off work at 5 pm and she came home 22 hours later to shower for work. She accused me of cheating and denied she cheated even after she found out she got knocked up. I knew she was cheating in the past I didn't have time to prove I had those thoughts of her betrayal they didn't go away. They would come up when she did things, said things or like you said in the mornings. When I left her they weren't as often when the divorce was finalized they were too.
OP. So you are telling us that he is surprised you became the person he forced you to be by lying to you and betraying you in the most marriage ending and painful way?
He needs a real wake up call so he understands the pain and insecurity his betrayal caused for you vs the “Pain” and “Shock” he sez you caused him by destroying easily replaceable material things
Talk to an attorney about how a divorce would look for you and leave that attorney’s business card in a hidden place where he “Might” find it.
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Hés got to realize its symbolic. he burnt the marriage you two had which you cared about you trusted him not to hurt you. you took the thing he cared about and burnt it like he did, and he trusted you with his stuff. at the end of the day, he did this to the marriage you two had. & In the long run cheating is far worse than burning his property even if the legal system says otherwise. you don't owe him any remorse more so cause I doubt he truly does
This is why I am just against taking any sort of revenge on cheaters. You are giving them an out, a way to play the victim. Whether it is cheating back out of revenge or destroying their stuff.
I mean it's not illegal for him to cheat, but it is illegal for you to burn his shit. Is it hard to understand WHY you did it? No, but I would have cautioned against it. The best revenge is just leaving them and living well.
Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t have stopped at just the 1 pair of skis. I would’ve destroyed all of them. He ghosted you for days, but you only left him hanging for one hour. He is totally blame-shifting to deflect his guilt away from the fact that he can’t
un-fuck his affair partner. He’s thrown your whole relationship into chaos, and he’s lucky you didn’t burn his car in that fire you while you drank your booze. I would have been hard-pressed to prevent myself from from doing that.
Is it really that unbelievable that you’d react the way you did? No. You were dealing with intense emotions in the wake of a massive betrayal. Smashing his stuff wasn’t right, but it’s understandable. His reaction, though, is *rich*. He’s more upset about the damn skis than the fact that he shattered your trust by cheating.
He's completely mad and selfish, making drama about skis when he'd done something far worse, sorry but those things are incomparable. He betrayed you so badly that I don't understand why you stayed, it's unforgivable, and as far as I understand, he doesn't even have an excuse of being treated badly or anything, you were nicest you could be sending him songs and encouraging him. So the skis drama is huge nonsense, you shouldn't even affirm his pain or anger, you should give zero fucks about it and remind him of his betrayal. He doesn't know how lucky he is that you're able to even attempt to get over it and be civil about it, and instead of appreciation and remorse, he's pushing it and getting mad over petty and trivial things. You shouldn't allow this, and if he doesn't stop turning it on you, you should just get up and leave him. If he feels in his mind that he deserves forgiveness, then he needs a lesson about respect.
Once the fog starts to clear, you will see just what a shit of a man your husband is, he is not remoresful or sorry, for what he has done, he is angry he got caught out, using your anger actions against you, for what you did in anger, because it takes the pressure off him, counselling of any kind rarely works, same goes for marriage repair, the only way to get past this, is to divorce and move on, notice I did not say get over it, as I truly believe no one can ever get over it, but the pain will reduce to an acceptable level for you to live life agan, how happily is upto you, good luck.
Went to the hotel.....verified her husband there....didn't want to disturb other guests late at night. What????? You gotta be kidding. Made sure her husband had an interrupted evening, went home and damaged a couple of things. What???? And now it's her fault. What???
And you still intend to stay with this idiot? OMG.
I hope you went first for a STD test then a lawyer. What a barbarian you’ve been living with. Id’d shut down that crap about skies. And you offered to pay for a replacement? My goodness, grow some ovaries and leave.
I tried that actually. The night after he told me, I went to meet up with an old friend and I couldn't sleep with him. It just felt super gross to try and sink that low, but also to involve a really lovely person (old friend) I care about in a revenge fuck or in my relationship with my husband at all. I'd rather wait until I'm in the right headspace....he seems like he would be with the wait too lol.
It's not ideal. Just because you meet someone doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. Let him know that you are not going to sit at home and wait for him to be somewhere with someone and fuck, I'm sorry that what I wrote is rude. He may be very sure of you and this is how you can break it. I have the impression that he got away with what he did very easily.
Please tell me this isn’t real. From the info you’ve given - He is not remorseful at all. He didn’t respond because he knew you would “get over it”. He’s genuinely shocked you did anything. Does GF have a spouse or BF? If so you need to tell him too. I doubt it’s even over between them. I mean he just carried on with his night. There’s a lot of stories of people going to therapy and then another Dday when they betrayed spouse finds out they never quit seeing their AP.
Therapy isn’t going to erase that terrible pain you are carrying while he gets to just live his life minus one pair of skis (he has four more!).
Plan in secret and then leave one day and night. Consult an attorney to at least see what divorce/separation would look like. If it is favorable you can either go ahead or make him sweat with the knowledge and that divorce is ON the table because consequences are real and not just a minor inconvenience.
To answer your question - No your actions aren’t unbelievable. IMO it was very mild. He is gaslighting you and trying to make the issue about you. It was NOT violence. The issue is about him being a POS cheater.
Does he even want to work on your marriage, or is he just signing up for therapy so he won't lose you and to make it seem like he's not the bad guy. when you look at him, does it look like he regrets everything?
Lol. This is one of the greatest form of gaslighting and manipulation I’ve ever read. Ma’am if you don’t burn some more shit. He’s cheated on you and will CONTINUE. His concern should be on much more things than those skis.
You did NOTHING wrong. He is gaslighting you to place guilt on you and alleviate the guilt over his incredible lies and cheating. Get some therapy for yourself to determine if you really need this bs in your life and if it benefits you in any real way. Just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be better off without his lies , cheating, gaslighting and undermining your self esteem. Think about getting g on with a better life for yourself. Therapy will help gain perspective. Good luck. It’s not easy but you are worth it.
1. The only reason y’all are in therapy, is because he got CAUGHT cheating. If he cared about this relationship at all, he would have voiced his concerns to you about how y’all were drifting (or whatever it is) before he took action.
You can’t go from planning and lying for literal weeks to suddenly giving a f about your relationship and being willing to try. That’s not the first and won’t be the last time he sleeps with her.
2. I don’t personally condone allowing anger to manifest itself in a way to where I physically destroy things. I’ll definitely ruin someone’s life (in the past) but I don’t fuck with people’s things.
3. All of that said he is definitely deflecting and trying to focus on what you did versus what he did.
He’s trying to turn this around on you. Stand your ground. He deserved to have his skis burned and tire popped after planning this whole “hiking” trip lie AND going through with it. Not only that, but he tried to deny it? Just leave him, he doesn’t care about you.
If burning his skis are an act of violence, then having sex outside of the marriage is attempted murder.
He's obviously just trying to make you feel bad to deflect from the wrong he did. If it wasn't the ski's or the tire he'd be saying it was your fault he cheated. His response has told you everything you need to know that R will not work and you need to kick him out immediately.
Questions - why do you think this was his first time? And why do you think any of this is going to help you not divorce the douche-bag and take him for everything you can get? Just curious.
I believe you were pretty restrained considering the situation he put you, bravo for you, lucky for him. He screwed up and instead of feeling the whole shame, taking on responsibility for your pain he is upset over something replaceable, a set of skis, a tyre. Those can be fixed easier than the emotional damage he caused to you.
This is basically him dodging his guilt in front of you by finding something to make you the villain about. That way, he doesn’t have to face his screwup and failure, and can feel superior instead by attacking your “failure”.
And he’s lucky. You’re both willing to forgive and only vandalized a couple of things.
I’d have enjoyed a much bigger bonfire of all his stuff. Set up on the drivers seat of that convertible.
Then sent him pics while he was still “entertaining”.
Hell why didn’t you burn all the skis and slash all the tires? Tell him what he did versus you did is like comparing a gnat to an elephant. You should have zero remorse but for the fact you didn’t do worse
UpdateMe
What you did wasn’t great, but he should consider himself LUCKY for having a wife who hadn’t changed the locks on him when he returned home from his tryst! You’ve already done enough apologizing. His turn.
the next time he brings it up say ok would you have preferred I had gone to the room you were in with that POS woman and burn the bed you were in? Then start walking away turn around and say I can get you a new ski but can you fix the betrayal you left in my heart?
Info how old are you?
I just felt that it was odd he didn't respond and looked at his approximate location history on Google maps and was actually worried he was unwell, the location took close to a hotel and when I pulled into the hotel, his car was parked in the parking lot...so obviously not camping. Being unwell and staying at a hotel instead of coming home 25 min away didn't make any sense...
He's gaslighting you and deflecting at the only thing he has to cling to. He didn't even reply to you when you were in THE SAME HOTEL. He is a piece. of SHIIIIIIT. Unbelievable. Divorce his ass.
Are there missing pieces of this story? You accepted his cheating and seems ok with it. And you are apologizing for letting out your anger. Are you in open marriage that it is ok if he tells you in advance he's fucking his mistress??
Not at all an open marriage. And I'm not OK with the cheating and have not accepted it as OK to him or anyone else. We are living under the same roof and will be in therapy while we process the past and figure out our needs for the future. Meaning separating or restoring trust (if that even exists). I did apologize for letting out my anger in a destructive way and also struggling to tell him what I had done right away, it took me an hour to figure out how to tell him after he was asking if I knew anything about them being gone.
Tell your husband you can pay his skis when he can go back in time and NOT cheat.
Tell him that if you were fair you would lie about the skis for as long as he lied to you and cheated.
Tell him that he should be glad that he has any things left at all. He chose to be unfaithful, to destroy things that cannot be "just" bought. He has done something that cannot be taken back or replaced.
He should be happy and totally overjoyed that you even chose to talk to him again
I do understand why you did what you did but I also understand why your husband os angry.
IMO it was both dine with out any considerationon why your SO will feel, as well I do not thing it makes things even you got hurt by your husband betrayal and he got hurt becuse his property got destroyed but what he did was worse I guess that is why you do not feel remorseful for what you have done.
You did nothing wrong besides not burning everything he loves to the ground after what he’s done. He has no room to be high and mighty at the moment. Pop his anger balloon because his crime was far worse.
Skip the therapy and just file. He doesn’t deserve you and forgive me if I don’t have faith that he’s a changed man after being caught. He *will* do it again, he’ll just get sneakier and you deserve so much more than a chump that won’t resist temptation. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t have gutted you this way.
You should just leave him for the cheating. The fact that he's mad about some skis when he cheated and betrayed you blows my mind. Skis can be rebought but your relationship will never be the same from the lying and cheating. He should be crying with remorse and apologizing for what HE did and knows he deserves to be thrown in the fire instead of some stupid skis. Don't let him gas light this situation because there's no comparison between whst you did and he did. Do yourself the favor and just leave instead of trying to fake it and fight the thoughts of untrust every day for the rest of your life. It's never too late to find someone worthy of your love who will treat you with the loyalty you deserve.
He’s totally turning this around on you. He’s lucky you haven’t started the divorce yet. He should be groveling not being pissed at you. And what about the night at a luxury hotel that you weren’t invited to. I’ll bet that cost money too. And dinner for his whore? It adds up to he still owes you a fuck ton. ETA- You should have burned his car too!!
So he proceeded to fuck this girl all night knowing you were downstairs in the hotel lobby and with absolutely no remorse nor care that you were there at all and you still want to stay with him? This is exactly why he did it with no care. First, because he doesn’t care about you and Second, because he knows you will still be there. There is no excuse at all for what he did, he could have stopped once you told him you knew and he still proceeded to cheat!
Now he needs to have the great consequence of loosing you! You deserve better and trust us, he will do it again and again but will just get better at hiding it. He learned his mistake on this one and will be better next time.
He did not know I was there. The messages were not received until the morning (according to my phone...you know when you can see something has been received). He got them at 6AM and then came home. ...I'm going to speak with him tonight about if therapy is even worth it.
You are getting gaslit. Tell your cheating husband that you destroyed a couple things he liked because you were angry that he had destroyed your marriage.
Interesting, knew of a similar situation, my best mate posted here how he burned his wife’s red bottoms and designer bags and he got attacked for acting childish, over reacting, and probably needs therapy for his temper, oh and can’t the forget the “ I see why she cheated”…
As for me OP, burn let it burn 🔥. You’re not wrong imo.
Fuck this guy. Dont make excuses for him. Just cuz he came clean to you doesn’t excuse him for what he did or try to make you feel fucked up for doing what was DESERVED. You need to leave him. He will do this again and he will manipulate you again if you let him. Don’t let what he did be swept under the rug!! He fucked up and knew what he was doing!!!! He can replace those fucking skis. Leave this asshole! He will manipulate you til you are dead. LEAVE!
You are straight up letting him cheat and be okay with it by being forced to care about the retarded fucking skis anyway! Fuck the skis. He’s trying to deflect!
His was an emotional betrayal before it was physical. Your reaction was reasonable. It’s his only defense to blame you ‘harder’. I think he is lucky it was not his face. Lose him.
In my opinion he's trying to make you feel about it and that fact that you apologized TO HIM is crazy, you can literally repay them so easily but he can't unfuck that woman. To me since he didn't even stop cheating until you find out and didn't regret it at all until you find out and now he's being upset for just whatever you destroy after cheating on you for weeks and lie to you?. And for what you did, hell no he's lucky that you didn't do more then that he should be greatful but instead he's just blaming you for something he did and you just react. If you can leave him pls immediately he isn’t a person to build a family with let alone stay with him. Cheaters never change at all
Thanks for this very well thought out and helpful response.
I don't feel much remorse for what I did other than it giving him the ability to hold me accountable for something...I wonder if he feels the same about the affair? Hopefully therapy will allow us to be really honest with each other about it and make some hard decisions with confidence and grace.
You're welcome. It's understandable that you may not feel much remorse for your actions, especially considering the emotional pain and betrayal you experienced. It's also valid to wonder about your husband's feelings regarding the affair. Therapy will indeed provide a safe space for both of you to be honest about your emotions, actions, and the impact they've had on your relationship.
In therapy, you can explore these feelings and gain deeper insights into each other's perspectives. It's a process that may involve making difficult decisions about the future of your relationship, but therapy can provide the tools and support to navigate those decisions with clarity and empathy.
Being open and honest with each other, facilitated by therapy, can help both of you heal individually and as a couple. It's a journey that requires patience and understanding, but with commitment and willingness to work through these challenges, there is potential for growth and resolution.
You're kidding, right? Validation for his feelings about ruined skis after what he did? He's not a child.
The skis can be replaced. His actions can never be undone.
He stuffed his penis in another woman's hidey-hole for two days (that OP knows about). Two days during which he didn't reply to his spouse's messages or phone calls. After allegedly going on a trip OP rooted for.
Holy crap on a cracker. Validation my ass.
There are so many red flags with the husband's behaviour. And you talk about forgiveness and healing as if their actions are somehow equally bad.
I feel he's deflecting... you can buy new skis, he can't un-stick his dick in someone else.
Yeah, exactly! I feel you’re actually pretty calm and nice to him about any of this! Because if it was me when I got home, I would’ve had the locks change. I would’ve burnt all his skis and flattened all his tires and probably do a lot more but we won’t get into any more criminal activities with borderline prison time. He’s AH doing something he planned the whole time so it was completely premeditated. Counseling is BS and he is using it as an escape goat by saying what led up to it. He’s wanting his hall pass to be given after the fact. I hope you have a good lawyer.
“Escape goat.” You just coined a great metaphor. I love it!
r/boneappletea lol
You’ve never heard that phrase before I take it? It’s very common
Scapegoat? Very common. Escape goat, not so much. A scapegoat is one who bears the brunt of an offense someone else committed. It comes from a story in Leviticus, in which a goat was released into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest symbolically laid the sins of the Jewish people on the goat. To the extent Jesus died for your sins, he was a scapegoat as well. To my knowledge, “escape goat” is original. When I read it, I thought it meant a vain attempt to avoid an uncomfortable situation by escaping on the back of a completely ineffectual get away animal. But hey, that’s just me. People don’t ride goats to make a fast get away, do they?
Depends on the goat.
👍
Exactly
This! And you'll never forget the lies you told you so that he could cheat. Updateme @
☝️☝️
Also I personally think people who get caught pretending therapy helps is BS.
Now he's trying to reverse the situation, trying to make you feel bad about the ski's... I would burn the clothes, hell I would have knocked down the hotel door and punching him, anger like that it makes us blind, he was lucky you didn't trash the car and other valuable things. Still, I'm the kind of woman that don't forgive and forget cheating, if he wanted to cheat the relationship is super over, no one that cheats think about their partner, so my advice for you is to tell that stupid man to go fuck himself, leave him, tell him to leave the house, and go live your life! 😉
Call the police at the hotel for a wellness check. Your husband is missing, he stopped responding and his phone is here.
It was less than 24 hours so they would not have most likely...but that is a solid suggestion
Why are you still with a person who prefered to get his rocks off rather thn to reply to you or get back home asap when u let him know about his cheating? He is not worth it love, but you are worth way more thn this loser. Realize that.
I think I do...but therapy to dismantle 10 years of "stuff" and how to move on felt like a healthy option..even if it ends with us parting ways. It's more of the part of him exploding about the skis and tire sitch...trying to make me feel like THAT is the straw that broke the relationship... probably just an excuse and I feel like an idiot for giving it to him. I'm just looking for some advice on what to say to him, confidence and validation on it not being a completely unreasonable response...
He would have come home to all of his stuff bagged and on the front porch. I would have put all his skis on the street with a free sign. I would have then taken a picture with me holding the middle finger in front of his free stuff and sent that to him. I would repeat with more items of his every hour or so until he responded. Here’s the thing, he doesn’t seem to care at all that he hurt you, but cares a whole lot about your slight against him. Please put yourself first and lose the extra weight of your husband.
He ruined your marriage. And now he's pissy because you ruined a couple of skis. Do not let him under your skin. He is trying to deflect blame. Even I understand your reaction and my country invented skiing.
Girl look him in the face and tell him when he can get a Time Machine to go back in time to not cheat on you then you will jump on the Time Machine and not burn his ski. He is playing you to be the one that is destroying the marriage, he isn’t at all regretting his decision to cheat so don’t regret your decision on how you dealt with it. Tell him all those hours he was with her instead of you is violence against you and your marriage to him. Tell him if he thinks burning skis is comparable to him fucking another woman then he truly is delusional and it is time to part ways.
No idea why you would stay in this relationship he has not taken any account of what he done. I would have been gone when he never answered texts ..
Exactly!! He just continued his romantic getaway and sexcapade with his affair partner instead of answering his wife’s attempts to reach him or running back home. And, yet, there was wifey, welcoming him back with open arms and made to feel guilty and doubtful for burning his poor skis. FUCK THAT!! The only message you’re sending him, OP, is that you’re weak and lack self worth, and that he can do whatever he pleases and that you will always take him back as long as he does a little bit of dog and pony show to appease you.
Nah, that's not what happened. There were no open arms, I went home to sleep because I value myself and my work and wasn't going to let his mistake fuck my own life up to the point of no sleep, confrontation that could have gotten violent etc. I came home, cracked a bottle of wine, burned his shit and went to bed. When he came home at 6AM the following morning I lost my shit on him and asked him for truth and started to process
It wasn’t a literal reference, dear
'*Listen big boy, if your biggest worry is that one of your five pair of skiis and a tire is broken and not how you can rebuild me trust in you and how you can show me that you respect me, then go to the police and tell them what I did with your precious things while I go to a lawyer and prepare the divorce papers.*' If he replies anything. '*At least I know now where I stand in your list of priorites.*' Just out of curiosity, did he by now at least got tested for STD's or does he also not care about if he risks your health?
I asked immediately if he used protection for both STDs and heaven forbid pregnancy. He said absolutely but we are not even close to being intimate right now. Will definitely make him take a test if that would ever be the case 😞
Since the only protection against STD's is a condom, I need to ask since when condoms are 100% safe? The safety of a condom is somewhere between 89 to 98 %, the last time I checked. The difference between 89 and 98% is in if the condom is used correctly or not and yes, there are many ways to not use a condom correctly, especially if he hasn't used one for quite some time. But even if a condom would be 100% safe, I would still send him to a test now and in 6 months just so that he starts to realize what he actually did. Lastly, he said absolutely? Who cares? He showed you how easy it is for him to lie to you, so you are better off to be careful with what he says. Tell him to get tested now. If you should reach the point where you want to have sex with him again, trust me, you don't want to wait a couple of days then because you want him to get tested first.
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Their weekend together? Not sure if you got the context correct on this. I saw him in the morning and he was to be camping for the next two days. I tried to contact him when I got home that same night and that's when I figured it out. It was a less than 24 hour time frame.
Why are you hung up on the word "weekend" and not the part where your husband of 10 years spent weeks lying to you and planning a fancy night away to F his high school girlfriend? I'm confused by your reaction. Why are you ok with this? If this is what you expect in your marriage and it works for you, then no judgment. I'd figuratively burn the whole thing down. You just seem slightly put out. Your already talking about sleeping together in the future and worrying about STD's. You haven't even mentioned if he's sorry (my guess is not) and somehow he's made it your fault and you've hesitantly agreed to that. Again, if this works for you, no problem, but maybe don't come to reddit to complain unless you also mention this isn't a big deal to you in your marriage. Then commentors don't have to waist their time screaming about divorce or F him, etc. and you may get some thought responses to solve whatever problem you do have with this situation.
I'm just giving correct context. I'm sure somewhere deep inside saying it was one night and not a weekend is a lame attempt to make me feel a little better. I have NEVER said I was Ok with any of this. I'm not OK, I'm devastated. I've never said I was going to sleep with him in the future, someone else brought up STD's and I think it was more in reference to if he had cheated before and I didn't know and should get tested..I'm not sure how you got to that conclusion but it's kind of inaccurate and confused. It's a post that I put up to get honest opinions and advice and has been very helpful...this is not.
Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.
You’re correct. I misread it as him saying that he and his AP weren’t close to being intimate yet, but that was in reference to the two of you.
Tell him you can buy him skis when he can unfuck this woman.
No. What you did is very understandable. You were lashing out at his betrayal. Perfectly normal. He’s using this to avoid the elephant in the room. Don’t let him. Has he gotten any help for his betrayal to figure out his why’s? If not he needs to get into therapy ASAP. Therapy would also help you cope with this whole situation.
We started therapy 3 days after the affair...but also after I lashed out
Therapy is not going to make you get rid of the hurt and anger you have, and you were perfectly justified in destroying his skis and whatever else you did. Honestly, you should've been gone that night, there's really no coming back from this.
Let’s be accurate. You started therapy 3 days after you learned of the affair.
Why would you go to couples therapy? Go alone and figure out what you want for yourself.
I am doing that as well 👍🏼
His cheating is 1 MILLION times worse than breaking a ski. What, it's at most 1k? How much is your family and marital bed worth to you?
If it made it to a luxury hotel the affair has been goin on a lot longer than a weekend.
Do not pay for those skis or the tire. He can take money out of his luxury hotel and entertainment funds to pay for them. He’s lucky, I’d have done a lot more damage then what you did. It sounds like you are considering staying with him? Even if that’s the case you should consult with a lawyer to see what your situation and options will look like if you separate. He can pay for the consultation too. Also, please get tested for STD’s. Good luck and I hope you find a better partner.
Wow. And he's oblivious to how his actions are worse? Is he really that obtuse? Therapy might help but it doesn't sound like he's remorseful. Think he's only willing to consider therapy because he was caught. Your response with the ski is actually rather mild. I would have stayed at the hotel, maybe located his car, drove it home, confronted both of them. Taken pictures something. Burning his skis wasn't a mature response but understandable under the circumstances. His carrying on in shock just seems to show he has no sensitivity, no concept of the consequences of his action. Is he really that stupid? OP please think long and hard about why you want to work on this relationship. He doesn't sound invested in your marriage and he sounds totally self absorbed
Wow, driving his car home would have been a pretty solid move. Wish I would have thought of that....
But actually.... probably just would have gotten a ride from her and then she would be at my fucking home...😩
Possibly confrontation at home would've been better than at hotel.
But WITH the woman he slept with? That sounds super painful. I didn't confront him at the hotel, confronted him at home
The BS is the honest one. The WH and AP should be ashamed and confronting both of them at same time gets their initial, honest reaction. Behavior is a language and their reaction without time to build up their stories and lies would be the real truth. But that's me. I'm not afraid of confrontation.
Is she married? If so does her husband know?
She is not married according to him
Do you know her name to look her up and check? He might be lying to protect her so you don’t tell her spouse/ partner.
I did look her up, have her phone and email... she might have a recent boyfriend but no spouse. Not sure if I want to do that. I really don't give a shit about this woman and why would she be honest with me?
So you ruined 2 material items that can be easily replaced and caused him worry for an hour (who gets so upset over skis?). He caused you a lifetime of trauma and distress, not to mention any trust issues that may ensue and he thinks you are at fault here? Why are you still together with this creep?
He signed us up for therapy and had begun working on the reasons leading up the the affair 3 days after it happened?
That's so sweet of him, he sounds like an angel. Bless him
Honey, I killed someone but I immediately signed up for anger management! 😇🤡
He signed you up for therapy. Why would you let him do that? Why let him control anything at this point?
Is he still willing to do the therapy and fix the marriage? It disgusts me he went off the handle for some skis as if he didn’t completely destroy your marriage by cheating. Has he cut off and blocked the affair partner?
I don’t believe that you should feel one iota of guilt. He was only frantic for ONE HOUR. You had to wait freakin’ days. There wasn’t any “lying” on your part. Let him know that all he lost is a pair of skis and a tire, he destroyed something far more valuable, like trust, honesty, integrity, respect. Tell him if he can replace those, you’ll pay for the skis and the tire. If not, let him know it will be a cold day in hell when you will replace them.
An act of violence. Tell him that giving you an std is considered an assault in the eyes of the law. If he infected you with hiv he could be charged with attempted murder. Why are you with this guy? He's not remorseful. Tell him an act of violence would be you tossing him on the pile with the skis. Look up the word darvo.
He is remorseful for hurting me pretty clearly, but still unclear if he regrets the affair itself and what it did for his own ego. He has said he regrets it, but I'm not sure if that is true...because you know...trust is pretty much out the window right now.
>He is remorseful for hurting me pretty clearly I don't think he is remorseful. He regrets getting caught. He was clearly in the wrong, so he was saying the right things to avoid a divorce. But now that he found something to put over your head, he's using it to deflect and reverse the narrative to make you the bad guy. That means he really doesn't care about your feelings. He just wants to regain control of the relationship. If he were actually remorseful and felt sorry for hurting you, he would be understanding of your pain and how it drove you to lash out. He would apologize for hurting you so much that you felt you needed to do that to feel better. But he doesn't care. He only cares about himself. This whole thing with the skis may have been a blessing in disguise to let you know how he really feels. Do you want to see him go back to being nice? Tell him you're hurt that he can't understand the pain you went through from his betrayal and that you don't want anymore therapy - you want a divorce. Then watch him squirm and go back to being nice. You're not in the wrong OP. Yes, you destroyed his property, but he stabbed you in the back. You sincerely apologized and offered to pay back. You can replace his skis, but he can never undo what he did. I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you can find peace.
Thanks, me too! Trying to get there. This has been helpful
You’re going to let him get away with everything arent you? FFS.
He’s only “remorseful” because he got caught. Don’t think for one second he wouldn’t have continued the affair. As a matter of question, is this the first time they’ve met up? Are you positive he doesn’t have plans to continue to see her?
First time according to him, and no there are no plans and he has blocked and deleted her number after telling her he made a mistake.
Just know that there are ways for the two of them to communicate still (eg he can always retrieve her number from the list of blocked numbers and they can text each other with apps with burner numbers, etc…). Just sayin… he was already able to deceive you, so don’t put it past him to do it again…with her or with others, especially since he isn’t remorseful and is so insensitive and selfish enough to continue disrespecting you by gaslighting you with the whole ski situation. You deserve so much better…I think we all just wish you could see that for yourself 😫😫😫😪😪😪
Ok good (I guess all things considered). Don’t let him continue to gaslight and guilt trip you about his skis and car. He deserves much worse for his betrayal. I wish you the best of luck and healing!
No, he isn't remorseful in the slightest. He regrets being caught. He most likely signed you up for therapy because he wants to remain in control. If he was remorseful, he would ask what he could do, what you want to do and bend over backwards to accommodate any of your demands.
Going to therapy is a bend over for him, he has been refusing to do the work on himself for years and is terrified of it. Signing up for therapy for himself and couples therapy at the same time seems like a commitment to sort his shit out. I just want to do the couples therapy to learn more about the past and have someone be helpful in dismantling the relationship if needed and not be a giant shit show that blows up my life any more than it has, or maybe I did something that I could improve on...not saying I deserve what happened AT ALL, but perhaps I can learn something while we part ways?
[удалено]
I saw the emails and sign ups for it, so pretty sure
Are u really going to stay with him after all the things he put you through and does he even regret what he did like do he look like he regret it
I don't know if we are going to stay together. Doesn't seem likely. the therapy will help sort through the muck and probably help me a lot to regain some self worth without just blowing things up and making life hell and chaotic. He does seem regretful from the first conversation, but who knows how real that is. I think having a mediator will help a lot to understand what is possible. I know I will have little trust in him for ever, and that can be hard for both me and him (obviously his fault) but I'm hopefull we can part not completely hating each other after seeing each other for who we are and have become together?
I agree therapy will help for the little things but it won't help you trust him again and he can cheat on you again. I know that you don't wanna be hurting anymore so I think the best thing for you is to split up because a key thing in a relationship/marriage is trust and he broke that.
He is remorseful that he got caught! He will just lie better next time. There will be a next time. He doesn’t value you - you deserve someone who would never risk hurting or losing you. You don’t even know if this was the first time.
You are right. I'm hoping therapy will allow him to be honest about that. If he has the relationship is certainly over. There was a lot of stuff that contributed to reaching this point. There is no excuse for his behavior, but honestly if I can hear the whole truth through therapy it will help me process and move on with confidence.
He’s not remorseful for hurting you OP. Because if he was he’d be trying harder to work on building your trust back and not flipping the situation on you making you seem like the villain in all this. He doesn’t regret the affair because it was calculated. He planned this from the get go.
So he came home lied about why he did what he did. Turned it around on you and you fell for it like butter in his hands. Now you feel bad and apologized to him for doing something to his stupid skies ? Let me get this right is this what I’m hearing. So it’s ok what he did. Girl you got problems. Your husband was in a hotel room ignoring you for 2 days while he was bumping and grinding and tearing up her pussy and your apologizing. I’m dead right now. He did the reverse uno on you and made you the villain in the story. He definitely is not sorry like u think. He will be fucking her probably today and you’re over here apologizing for something he caused. Girl get it together. I get you love him or in love with him but he needs consequences or he will do it again. He did the most known cheater act in all the books and that’s to turn it around on you like he cheated cuz u burnt his skies. Instead of it being a reaction to his actions. If you think this was the first time you’re delusional I’m sorry. But he knows what he’s doing and you’re allowing him to disrespect you and since he got away with it he will definitely do it again. You will be looking over your shoulder now not knowing what he’s doing. He knows now that all he has to do is deal with some arguing and that he can turn it on you and you will be apologizing for what he did.
This response is not helpful, inaccurate and pretty mean spirited. It wasn't two days.... I do feel bad about burning the skis in some respect because it gave him a reason to hold me accountable for something and switch the narrative, but not because I burned them, I rather enjoyed that. You are also speculating and just venting kind of...i didn't allow him to do anything I was living my life and he did one of the worst things you can do to a partner and now I'm trying to figure out how to move on. Asking if what I did was unreasonable is the name of the post. Not if I have problems or am delusional. Thanks for that 🙄
You're right. im sorry. I guess it was about reading what you wrote and got pissed off that he acted like that and treated you like that, and you want to know if your over reacted or wrong for what you did. I feel you did what you should have done. I feel like that cheaters get away Scott free while thee afflicted are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives.. I just don't want you to feel bad and apologize for doing something based on his actions because he deserves way worse in my eyes. So I'm really sorry for what I said. I'm sorry you're going through this. But I do hope you kick his dumb ass to the curb..
Ur reaction is justified! U biggest mistake is apologizing for it!!! R u kidding me! Therapy is not worth it. That’s just to satisfy u not gonna change him and u will be hurt again! He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did that’s why he got mad at u for ur reaction to his cheating. This guys a winner! Move on. Doesn’t matter how long u have been with him or anything else. U c the red flags now so b smart and get out before he hurts u again
I was hoping to see you burned the right side of each pair. And three out of four tires. Dump the dweeb
It's wild that you feel bad at all for your response. He knew that you knew and yet he stayed up there ignoring your calls knowing how much you were hurting but he didn't care because where he wanted to be was inside of someone else. I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUUUUUUUCK THAT.
Your husband is a man child trying to equalize the harm.
It’s not unbelievable, but I wouldn’t want to normalize behavior that could get YOU in trouble because of HIS behavior.
He is lucky that you didn’t stick the ice pick in him and burn his ass Updateme
He is right that he feels hurt that you burned his ski's. He has to understand you were reacting to how painfully you were hurt by his lying deceptions and sexual betrayal of you. All in all how can he expect that you would NOT be hurt and that you would NOT want him to feel pain as well. That he is now complaining about it and trying to paint you as the "aggressor" is absurd and gaslighting. You now get to decide if you would rather live with his infidelities betrayals or leave him and start new.
Just…nope. OP, this is straight up DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Please look it up! He’s manipulating you. And based on his behaviour after being caught, there’s no way he feels “remorse” for what he’s done and how his actions have affected you. He feels “regret” for having been caught, and how his actions have affected him. There’s a huge difference between the two. Also, read this, then make him read it. If he isn’t willing to do what needs to be done, then you have nothing to work with, and shouldn’t waste another moment of your time on him. Either he’s “all in” on saving his marriage and regaining your trust, or he’s not. Actions, not words, are what matter here. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
Thank you, super helpful!
This is Jerry Springer ghetto. There’s a reason it’s called the sunk cost FALLACY. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with the person, if they cheat on you, you leave. He ignored your messages so he could keep fucking his ex. Then he sauntered home ready to lie some more. When he saw you weren’t having it, he realized he had to switch tactics. There is no remorse. He’s just a cake eater. He was always going to, and WILL always, do whatever he wants. Especially now that he knows you won’t leave. Since he knows that his strategy changed again, to blaming you for expressing your pain and anger and trying to make his cheating seem justified. He’s even got you apologizing! Fuck him and his skis. I wouldn’t offer to buy shit. Tell him you’ll buy him new skis when he unfucks his ex. If you wanna be miserable, stay with him. He won’t change. You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to u/iamthatiam747
Stop. Just stop. He is the bad guy in this. He WANTS find ways to get mad at you so he can cheat. Tell him goodby because he is already gone. I can’t stand cheaters, especially if they start manipulating the poor spouse to excuse their behavior. You need to let him go.
Quit apologizing; that sneaky douchebag is just shifting the narrative. Stop saying “I’m sorry” RIGHT NOW It’s simple: your husband fucked around (pun intended) and found out. Now he needs to own it He’s an asshole. Is he really worth fighting for? *No*
He’s an AH and is attempting to make himself into the victim in this whole thing ….. He’s lucky that’s all you did, I personally would have gone ham on his car at the hotel. He knocked over the first domino….. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
Why are you arguing with him? He has zero remorse for what he did and no respect for you. Your next words should be here’s my lawyers card
He cheated then You apologized for acting irrational? Wow. The tables have turned.
The only thing you did wrong was take him back 🙄😒👎 Screw the couples therapy. Get individual therapy for yourself to find out why you would tolerate such behavior and allow him to treat you so poorly, and yet be the one to feel guilty about it all. Girl, with that kind of low self worth and esteem, the man for sure is going to continue to lie, cheat, and treat you like a doormat.
Y'all just divorce his is a manipulating scumbag who doesn't deserve your love
You are NTA he is just a dumbass who risked his marriage for a ex girlfriend who probably doesn't even love him, and on top of that, he lied to you that is not a husband you want and you need in your life
He’s making what happened to his skies more important and more morally corrupt than him breaking his vows to you. And unfortunately you are here asking us are you wrong, really????
He’s lucky that is all you destroyed.
Jesus christ, this guy has you apologizing and offering to pay for the skis you burned. Really? How much did that luxury hotel that he used marital assets to pay for cost. Did you make him get checked for std's? Did you out him to all his friends and family for having an affair. What exactly were his consequences for betraying you? I don't see any. Do you think it won't happen again? The fact is that he has gotten no consequences whatsoever. So you can be guaranteed it will. Does he work with his ap? Did you make him quit his job and get a new one? Btw, you've taught him to cover his affair better. He'll be more careful WHEN he does it again.
There’s no point everyone. She keeps making excuses. She’s not ready. She’s in denial and can’t see straight yet. OP, get therapy for yourself. You need it.
I am in therapy, it's the first thing I did to contact my previous therapist. He's now in therapy for the first time in his life, and signed us up for couples therapy and paying for it out of pocket. I'm not making excuses at all and appreciate all of this advice and perspective. I'm processing, it's new and I think ending the relationship through therapy is also a very healthy option. A mediator to help us navigate separation should that be how it shakes out.
NOPE. Lady, what you did is a way of releasing your anger. Was it rational? Hell no. This is better than what some might do after being betrayed like this. He is TOTALLY focused on the WRONG ISSUE. CHEATING is the problem he needs to work on, not skis and a flat tire. Good luck...this comes from experience after my ex wife cheated on me and our three kids 24 years ago.
Fuck his skis. If that’s what he’s concerned with at this point, fuck him too.
You have got to be kidding here surely?
Blame shifting. Don't fall for it. He's an asshole cheater. He'll say anything to get your mind off of the subject, which is his infidelity.
You’ll make him whole again by paying to replace his stuff. How is he gonna make you whole again?
He’s scum and deserves to lose more than his stupid skis! Don’t feel bad at all. Updateme
You should not have apologized. Dont let him use this to flip the script. Does the high school girlfriend have a husband? If so tell him. Watch how your soon to be ex-husband reacts. If he flips his lid, you'll know where u stand and he's trying to protect her. Cheating is a form of abuse. He signed you up for a lifetime of trauma and he's worried about a tire & ski's. He's lucky he has any possessions left. Take back your apology and tell him you don't give a flying fig about his tires & ski's.
He let you believe he was good hiking for weeks. He didn't respond to you for days, and he's upset ab1 hour?!!! Ugh!!! I'm fuming for you!!!
Ditto what others said except I would burn 1 of each of the remaining pairs of skis and tell him it’s your 1/2 and you will take the rest in the divorce.
and your fighting to stay in the marriage with this POS why?
There's a lot to unpack here.
He is gas lighting the MESS out of you, and I’m (with all due respect) disappointed that you apologized, bought him new skis, and actually feeling bad about getting back for him being a low dog, cheating and lying POS. You shoulda laugh in his face after telling him you burned his shii… you play dumb games you win stupid prizes. No, what you did is not unbelievable. Could some argue you coulda handled the situation better? Sure, whatever… but it’s skis for crying out loud , suck it up and buy new ones if they’re so important to you. Difference is, that incident can be reconciled pretty easily… there’s very little to no chance of reconciliation when it comes to having an affair behind your partners back. And does he not understand you did FOR A REASON??? Honestly, you shouldn’t bat an eye if he packed his stuff, leave elsewhere, then filed for divorce. You dodged a bullet, and there are better men out there for you, and if not… you’ll be better off alone. Don’t feel bad, you did a warranted thing. He needs to be held accountable
He threw away your relationship so you threw away his shit. Who cares?? What he did is WAY worse than what you've done. He can be upset about it all he wants, but he doesn't get to turn everything around on you. You're wasting your time with this child. Next time he'll just be sneakier about it. Is he actually really upset that he's betrayed your trust and ruined your marriage and hurt the woman he loves? Hate to say it but he probably isn't. You should move on.
hes trying to make this about some fuck ass pair of skis (PLEASE tell him that) so that he doesnt feel that bad about what he did. honestly dont know why you're trying to fix something you didnt break. all i have to say is is stop apologizing and stand your ground. he wanted this otherwise he wouldnt have cheated.
OP, you should be angry at him. And the fact he is manipulating this to now make you feel bad for destroying his things instead of being remorseful for what he did is disgusting. Like if it had been me, I’d have raised hell. He cheated on you and here you are feeling bad for destroying his skis and putting a hole in the tyre when he hasn’t even really apologised for anything. He lied to you about going solo hiking for weeks! Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think sticking your dick into someone else is the definition of solo hiking. So look at it this way. It was all very calculated. Lied to you for weeks about his plans, spent two days at the hotel with another woman, comes back and was going to continue the lie until YOU backed him into a corner and he had to be honest. Then turns it around on you after you had an angry hurt reaction to all of this. So lawyer up and leave. This guy isn’t worth it.
girl if you don’t leave this terrible excuse of a man. he just threw away 10 years and for what? and now he’s angry? doesn’t sound worth it to me
Actually, I bet many think burning his skis was getting off easy. I'll agree. It's clear he's manipulating you and making your actions the foundation for discord. He's using an interpersonal interaction rope a dope. Because he knows you respond to his anger by seeking peace, it's dangerous and disrespectful. Meanwhile, you are biding your time, and I'm thinking he's done it so much that you're questioning yourself. This is all about taking focus off of his wrongdoings. He could have come back to an empty house, changed locks, separation and divorce paperwork, and other legal regulations. Decide what you want and will accept; what type of relationship do you want; how to move forward and / or apart if that is what you decide.
OP your husband and all the other douche nozzles like him that gives the rest of us men a bad name. The first time he slept with another woman he destroyed the fabric of your marriage. The first time you caught him cheating the illusion he painted was destroyed. He was pissed off about his shit being damaged and destroyed. Were you in the wrong I say no but he sure used it to take the focus off him. He showed you right there that he doesn't love you or care about you. He destroyed your trust that's gone. Trust is something you can lose and if you get a chance to earn it back it's never going to be the same. Every time he says he's going to do something, you will remember what he did. That doesn't go away because he had some bullshit story about what led to his affair. WTF does he have a marriage counselor appointment on retainer. How the hell did he get you in so quick? I'm surprised that it took less than 2 weeks to get in. He doesn't really want to save your marriage. He's trying to buy time to figure out how he can continue doing what he does and still have you as a security blanket. I would be talking to a divorce attorney ASAP, that could be his other reason for buying time. He could have an attorney draw up papers with his demands, as well as making you look like the bad guy. Using the tire and skis back that story. I personally don't know of any cheaters that are a one time offender.
There are many couples counseling sites that connect you quickly with someone in your area for counseling and you can do it via video chat instead of office visits. He looked at several, forwarded me the info and we made a decision together on which we thought fit our needs. Our first session was good and the therapist was a nice match for our styles of communication. I know you are right and sad that trust will never be the same...it's my biggest concern. I wake up every day now and when I remember what has changed recently each morning it breaks my heart over and over.
My situation was before they did online sessions. There was only one place to go for counseling where I was. I had a fire as well and she made it about that. She would use that as her defense in every guilt fueled fight she started after that. I caught her one time. She got off work at 5 pm and she came home 22 hours later to shower for work. She accused me of cheating and denied she cheated even after she found out she got knocked up. I knew she was cheating in the past I didn't have time to prove I had those thoughts of her betrayal they didn't go away. They would come up when she did things, said things or like you said in the mornings. When I left her they weren't as often when the divorce was finalized they were too.
OP. So you are telling us that he is surprised you became the person he forced you to be by lying to you and betraying you in the most marriage ending and painful way? He needs a real wake up call so he understands the pain and insecurity his betrayal caused for you vs the “Pain” and “Shock” he sez you caused him by destroying easily replaceable material things Talk to an attorney about how a divorce would look for you and leave that attorney’s business card in a hidden place where he “Might” find it. Subscribeme!
Hés got to realize its symbolic. he burnt the marriage you two had which you cared about you trusted him not to hurt you. you took the thing he cared about and burnt it like he did, and he trusted you with his stuff. at the end of the day, he did this to the marriage you two had. & In the long run cheating is far worse than burning his property even if the legal system says otherwise. you don't owe him any remorse more so cause I doubt he truly does
This is why I am just against taking any sort of revenge on cheaters. You are giving them an out, a way to play the victim. Whether it is cheating back out of revenge or destroying their stuff. I mean it's not illegal for him to cheat, but it is illegal for you to burn his shit. Is it hard to understand WHY you did it? No, but I would have cautioned against it. The best revenge is just leaving them and living well.
Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t have stopped at just the 1 pair of skis. I would’ve destroyed all of them. He ghosted you for days, but you only left him hanging for one hour. He is totally blame-shifting to deflect his guilt away from the fact that he can’t un-fuck his affair partner. He’s thrown your whole relationship into chaos, and he’s lucky you didn’t burn his car in that fire you while you drank your booze. I would have been hard-pressed to prevent myself from from doing that.
Is it really that unbelievable that you’d react the way you did? No. You were dealing with intense emotions in the wake of a massive betrayal. Smashing his stuff wasn’t right, but it’s understandable. His reaction, though, is *rich*. He’s more upset about the damn skis than the fact that he shattered your trust by cheating.
He's completely mad and selfish, making drama about skis when he'd done something far worse, sorry but those things are incomparable. He betrayed you so badly that I don't understand why you stayed, it's unforgivable, and as far as I understand, he doesn't even have an excuse of being treated badly or anything, you were nicest you could be sending him songs and encouraging him. So the skis drama is huge nonsense, you shouldn't even affirm his pain or anger, you should give zero fucks about it and remind him of his betrayal. He doesn't know how lucky he is that you're able to even attempt to get over it and be civil about it, and instead of appreciation and remorse, he's pushing it and getting mad over petty and trivial things. You shouldn't allow this, and if he doesn't stop turning it on you, you should just get up and leave him. If he feels in his mind that he deserves forgiveness, then he needs a lesson about respect.
Once the fog starts to clear, you will see just what a shit of a man your husband is, he is not remoresful or sorry, for what he has done, he is angry he got caught out, using your anger actions against you, for what you did in anger, because it takes the pressure off him, counselling of any kind rarely works, same goes for marriage repair, the only way to get past this, is to divorce and move on, notice I did not say get over it, as I truly believe no one can ever get over it, but the pain will reduce to an acceptable level for you to live life agan, how happily is upto you, good luck.
Went to the hotel.....verified her husband there....didn't want to disturb other guests late at night. What????? You gotta be kidding. Made sure her husband had an interrupted evening, went home and damaged a couple of things. What???? And now it's her fault. What???
My wife would have put a hole in ME, not my fucking tire. That POS should consider himself lucky. Now go take half of his remaining things....
And you still intend to stay with this idiot? OMG. I hope you went first for a STD test then a lawyer. What a barbarian you’ve been living with. Id’d shut down that crap about skies. And you offered to pay for a replacement? My goodness, grow some ovaries and leave.
Tell him that now you are going to meet a friend from school :-) Is his girlfriend married?
I tried that actually. The night after he told me, I went to meet up with an old friend and I couldn't sleep with him. It just felt super gross to try and sink that low, but also to involve a really lovely person (old friend) I care about in a revenge fuck or in my relationship with my husband at all. I'd rather wait until I'm in the right headspace....he seems like he would be with the wait too lol.
It's not ideal. Just because you meet someone doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. Let him know that you are not going to sit at home and wait for him to be somewhere with someone and fuck, I'm sorry that what I wrote is rude. He may be very sure of you and this is how you can break it. I have the impression that he got away with what he did very easily.
Tell him he should've answered his phone. Imagine what else you'll destroy the next time he acts up.
Please tell me this isn’t real. From the info you’ve given - He is not remorseful at all. He didn’t respond because he knew you would “get over it”. He’s genuinely shocked you did anything. Does GF have a spouse or BF? If so you need to tell him too. I doubt it’s even over between them. I mean he just carried on with his night. There’s a lot of stories of people going to therapy and then another Dday when they betrayed spouse finds out they never quit seeing their AP. Therapy isn’t going to erase that terrible pain you are carrying while he gets to just live his life minus one pair of skis (he has four more!). Plan in secret and then leave one day and night. Consult an attorney to at least see what divorce/separation would look like. If it is favorable you can either go ahead or make him sweat with the knowledge and that divorce is ON the table because consequences are real and not just a minor inconvenience. To answer your question - No your actions aren’t unbelievable. IMO it was very mild. He is gaslighting you and trying to make the issue about you. It was NOT violence. The issue is about him being a POS cheater.
Why take a cheater back? He’s probably been doing it your entire relationship.
lol, I wouldn’t even have bothered discussing how we got there. We’re already there, bye bitch.
Does he even want to work on your marriage, or is he just signing up for therapy so he won't lose you and to make it seem like he's not the bad guy. when you look at him, does it look like he regrets everything?
Lol. This is one of the greatest form of gaslighting and manipulation I’ve ever read. Ma’am if you don’t burn some more shit. He’s cheated on you and will CONTINUE. His concern should be on much more things than those skis.
He's nuts. Don't apologize and kick him out. You accept it and he'll do it again. He's not trustworthy.
You did NOTHING wrong. He is gaslighting you to place guilt on you and alleviate the guilt over his incredible lies and cheating. Get some therapy for yourself to determine if you really need this bs in your life and if it benefits you in any real way. Just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be better off without his lies , cheating, gaslighting and undermining your self esteem. Think about getting g on with a better life for yourself. Therapy will help gain perspective. Good luck. It’s not easy but you are worth it.
1. The only reason y’all are in therapy, is because he got CAUGHT cheating. If he cared about this relationship at all, he would have voiced his concerns to you about how y’all were drifting (or whatever it is) before he took action. You can’t go from planning and lying for literal weeks to suddenly giving a f about your relationship and being willing to try. That’s not the first and won’t be the last time he sleeps with her. 2. I don’t personally condone allowing anger to manifest itself in a way to where I physically destroy things. I’ll definitely ruin someone’s life (in the past) but I don’t fuck with people’s things. 3. All of that said he is definitely deflecting and trying to focus on what you did versus what he did.
He’s lucky that’s all you destroyed !! You had every right to do what ya did ! Ultimately blame it on the alcohol 🍷
He’s trying to turn this around on you. Stand your ground. He deserved to have his skis burned and tire popped after planning this whole “hiking” trip lie AND going through with it. Not only that, but he tried to deny it? Just leave him, he doesn’t care about you.
If burning his skis are an act of violence, then having sex outside of the marriage is attempted murder. He's obviously just trying to make you feel bad to deflect from the wrong he did. If it wasn't the ski's or the tire he'd be saying it was your fault he cheated. His response has told you everything you need to know that R will not work and you need to kick him out immediately.
Questions - why do you think this was his first time? And why do you think any of this is going to help you not divorce the douche-bag and take him for everything you can get? Just curious.
!UpdateMe
Lmao I would have burned them all.
Divorce him
I believe you were pretty restrained considering the situation he put you, bravo for you, lucky for him. He screwed up and instead of feeling the whole shame, taking on responsibility for your pain he is upset over something replaceable, a set of skis, a tyre. Those can be fixed easier than the emotional damage he caused to you.
He's a fucking wanker. Trying to make you out to be as bad as he is.
I would have burned 1 ski and 1 pole out of every set. But I’m petty like that.
Burn half of every ski and every pole that way they can’t be mixed to create a new set.
This is basically him dodging his guilt in front of you by finding something to make you the villain about. That way, he doesn’t have to face his screwup and failure, and can feel superior instead by attacking your “failure”. And he’s lucky. You’re both willing to forgive and only vandalized a couple of things. I’d have enjoyed a much bigger bonfire of all his stuff. Set up on the drivers seat of that convertible. Then sent him pics while he was still “entertaining”.
Hell why didn’t you burn all the skis and slash all the tires? Tell him what he did versus you did is like comparing a gnat to an elephant. You should have zero remorse but for the fact you didn’t do worse UpdateMe
What you did wasn’t great, but he should consider himself LUCKY for having a wife who hadn’t changed the locks on him when he returned home from his tryst! You’ve already done enough apologizing. His turn.
the next time he brings it up say ok would you have preferred I had gone to the room you were in with that POS woman and burn the bed you were in? Then start walking away turn around and say I can get you a new ski but can you fix the betrayal you left in my heart? Info how old are you?
He is making this about you and what you did and DEFLECTING what he did, instead of taking responsibility for his own actions
How did you know right away he was cheating? Might have taken unwell. I don't get it. That's the first thing that came into your head.
I just felt that it was odd he didn't respond and looked at his approximate location history on Google maps and was actually worried he was unwell, the location took close to a hotel and when I pulled into the hotel, his car was parked in the parking lot...so obviously not camping. Being unwell and staying at a hotel instead of coming home 25 min away didn't make any sense...
He's gaslighting you and deflecting at the only thing he has to cling to. He didn't even reply to you when you were in THE SAME HOTEL. He is a piece. of SHIIIIIIT. Unbelievable. Divorce his ass.
I'd have flattened the tires on his car at the hotel. Get a lawyer and ditch the guy.
Are there missing pieces of this story? You accepted his cheating and seems ok with it. And you are apologizing for letting out your anger. Are you in open marriage that it is ok if he tells you in advance he's fucking his mistress??
Not at all an open marriage. And I'm not OK with the cheating and have not accepted it as OK to him or anyone else. We are living under the same roof and will be in therapy while we process the past and figure out our needs for the future. Meaning separating or restoring trust (if that even exists). I did apologize for letting out my anger in a destructive way and also struggling to tell him what I had done right away, it took me an hour to figure out how to tell him after he was asking if I knew anything about them being gone.
Tell your husband you can pay his skis when he can go back in time and NOT cheat. Tell him that if you were fair you would lie about the skis for as long as he lied to you and cheated. Tell him that he should be glad that he has any things left at all. He chose to be unfaithful, to destroy things that cannot be "just" bought. He has done something that cannot be taken back or replaced. He should be happy and totally overjoyed that you even chose to talk to him again
I do understand why you did what you did but I also understand why your husband os angry. IMO it was both dine with out any considerationon why your SO will feel, as well I do not thing it makes things even you got hurt by your husband betrayal and he got hurt becuse his property got destroyed but what he did was worse I guess that is why you do not feel remorseful for what you have done.
The only thing you did wrong was to stop a 1 pair of skis...
You did nothing wrong besides not burning everything he loves to the ground after what he’s done. He has no room to be high and mighty at the moment. Pop his anger balloon because his crime was far worse. Skip the therapy and just file. He doesn’t deserve you and forgive me if I don’t have faith that he’s a changed man after being caught. He *will* do it again, he’ll just get sneakier and you deserve so much more than a chump that won’t resist temptation. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t have gutted you this way.
You should just leave him for the cheating. The fact that he's mad about some skis when he cheated and betrayed you blows my mind. Skis can be rebought but your relationship will never be the same from the lying and cheating. He should be crying with remorse and apologizing for what HE did and knows he deserves to be thrown in the fire instead of some stupid skis. Don't let him gas light this situation because there's no comparison between whst you did and he did. Do yourself the favor and just leave instead of trying to fake it and fight the thoughts of untrust every day for the rest of your life. It's never too late to find someone worthy of your love who will treat you with the loyalty you deserve.
He’s totally turning this around on you. He’s lucky you haven’t started the divorce yet. He should be groveling not being pissed at you. And what about the night at a luxury hotel that you weren’t invited to. I’ll bet that cost money too. And dinner for his whore? It adds up to he still owes you a fuck ton. ETA- You should have burned his car too!!
His reaction to the skis is interesting. Something about it makes me think he wants out of the marriage.
Updateme
So he proceeded to fuck this girl all night knowing you were downstairs in the hotel lobby and with absolutely no remorse nor care that you were there at all and you still want to stay with him? This is exactly why he did it with no care. First, because he doesn’t care about you and Second, because he knows you will still be there. There is no excuse at all for what he did, he could have stopped once you told him you knew and he still proceeded to cheat! Now he needs to have the great consequence of loosing you! You deserve better and trust us, he will do it again and again but will just get better at hiding it. He learned his mistake on this one and will be better next time.
He did not know I was there. The messages were not received until the morning (according to my phone...you know when you can see something has been received). He got them at 6AM and then came home. ...I'm going to speak with him tonight about if therapy is even worth it.
You are getting gaslit. Tell your cheating husband that you destroyed a couple things he liked because you were angry that he had destroyed your marriage.
Interesting, knew of a similar situation, my best mate posted here how he burned his wife’s red bottoms and designer bags and he got attacked for acting childish, over reacting, and probably needs therapy for his temper, oh and can’t the forget the “ I see why she cheated”… As for me OP, burn let it burn 🔥. You’re not wrong imo.
Fuck this guy. Dont make excuses for him. Just cuz he came clean to you doesn’t excuse him for what he did or try to make you feel fucked up for doing what was DESERVED. You need to leave him. He will do this again and he will manipulate you again if you let him. Don’t let what he did be swept under the rug!! He fucked up and knew what he was doing!!!! He can replace those fucking skis. Leave this asshole! He will manipulate you til you are dead. LEAVE!
You are straight up letting him cheat and be okay with it by being forced to care about the retarded fucking skis anyway! Fuck the skis. He’s trying to deflect!
You’re not wrong!!! He deserves it and much more that coward!!!
His was an emotional betrayal before it was physical. Your reaction was reasonable. It’s his only defense to blame you ‘harder’. I think he is lucky it was not his face. Lose him.
In my opinion he's trying to make you feel about it and that fact that you apologized TO HIM is crazy, you can literally repay them so easily but he can't unfuck that woman. To me since he didn't even stop cheating until you find out and didn't regret it at all until you find out and now he's being upset for just whatever you destroy after cheating on you for weeks and lie to you?. And for what you did, hell no he's lucky that you didn't do more then that he should be greatful but instead he's just blaming you for something he did and you just react. If you can leave him pls immediately he isn’t a person to build a family with let alone stay with him. Cheaters never change at all
You should've went to that hotel room and banged on that door . He needs to get his ass kicked ,especially being you are married for 10 years.
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Thanks for this very well thought out and helpful response. I don't feel much remorse for what I did other than it giving him the ability to hold me accountable for something...I wonder if he feels the same about the affair? Hopefully therapy will allow us to be really honest with each other about it and make some hard decisions with confidence and grace.
You're welcome. It's understandable that you may not feel much remorse for your actions, especially considering the emotional pain and betrayal you experienced. It's also valid to wonder about your husband's feelings regarding the affair. Therapy will indeed provide a safe space for both of you to be honest about your emotions, actions, and the impact they've had on your relationship. In therapy, you can explore these feelings and gain deeper insights into each other's perspectives. It's a process that may involve making difficult decisions about the future of your relationship, but therapy can provide the tools and support to navigate those decisions with clarity and empathy. Being open and honest with each other, facilitated by therapy, can help both of you heal individually and as a couple. It's a journey that requires patience and understanding, but with commitment and willingness to work through these challenges, there is potential for growth and resolution.
You're kidding, right? Validation for his feelings about ruined skis after what he did? He's not a child. The skis can be replaced. His actions can never be undone. He stuffed his penis in another woman's hidey-hole for two days (that OP knows about). Two days during which he didn't reply to his spouse's messages or phone calls. After allegedly going on a trip OP rooted for. Holy crap on a cracker. Validation my ass. There are so many red flags with the husband's behaviour. And you talk about forgiveness and healing as if their actions are somehow equally bad.