I’ve had some realizations myself about how my mom snapped on us growing up. Like I pushed her just like my kids pushed me!
Really is the thought that counts!! You’re putting an effort and kids will remember it!
What’s helped me on those days are hand signs 🫶🏼 or blowing kisses hahaha because the next word coming out of my mouth is f…
Best of luck 🤙🏼
anytime I end up yelling at my kids or doing something I know, after the fact, was kinda over the line a bit.... I make it a point to sit down and talk to them. Say something along the lines of, "Hey, bud. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm very sorry. I got frustrated, but please work with me"
Fuck me, I hope it helps mitigate some of the damage.
Being a dad helped me understand my dad so much more and get to the point of love, forgiveness and understanding. Fatherhood ended up being so hard that is almost broke me but I learned I have ADHD and eventually that my dad does too. He even got diagnosed after me and we have bonded after I barely liked him for 28 years.
What you’re doing is bigger than you and breaking generational trauma isn’t easy. You’re amazing for doing the extra work on top of the never ending exhaustion that is parenting. Even if you don’t completely stop the trauma tsunami from affecting the next generation you are bringing it down so it won’t do as much damage.
My goal is to bear the brunt of the trauma, it’s breaking me already, but I’m going to do my fucking best.
My family’s life expectancy shouldn’t be 50 in this world we live in.
Hoping you can find a way face and heal you trauma rather than simply bear its brunt. That’s not going to be healthy for you, and whether you see it or not, affects your kids too.
A quote that hit me hard. “Just because your parents didn’t break every cycle doesn’t mean they didn’t break any.”
Me being a dad definitely made me to reflect a ton on my own childhood and helped me understand my father better. Although... while I understand him better, unfortunately I came out the other end liking my father less. I am using it as a lesson though, and not making the same mistakes with my own son.
I'm a dad who recently got diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s. Pretty sure my dad has it also. After getting diagnosed, what were some bigger revelations or how has that helped you?
How hard was it to get diagnosed? What was the process like for you? I'm going to ask my Dr about testing for ADHD this afternoon but I have no idea what to expect. Thanks
For me, fortunately, incredibly easy. There are different ways that diagnosis is done. For me, I wanted to be evaluated properly by doctors who specialized in ADHD. So I sought out a Neuropsychologist where I could get neuropsychological testing done. I went directly to this route, rather than to my GP first.
What this looked like was a 1 hour video/phone screen with the doctor for intake to just talk through my concerns etc. Following that was 4 hour long in person testing. This consisted of a technician guiding me through testing to evaluate my brain functioning as a whole. Lots of stuff involved there, but think testing short term memory long term memory math problems puzzles.. all sorts of things. Then, they take all that data and the data from the intake as well as questionnaire from my wife and make a diagnosis. For me, that was ADHD as well as Dyscalculia (sort of like math dyslexia).
Like I said, diagnosis for ADHD can be gone about different ways. Personally I wanted the most thorough method possible and this is the route I went. Theres probably medical doctors who will issue a diagnosis based on simple diagnostics and history from a patient thats a lot less involved if theyre just seeking medication options. Personally thats not what I wanted.
Anyways, a big key factor in ADHD diagnosis is the symptoms must have been present your entire life. So these shouldnt be short term struggles youve had in the last handful of years -- the problems would have been present for your lifetime, through school, etc.
Go through your appointment and see how you feel about the outcome. If your doctor recommends more thorough testing, then thats great. If they suggest neuropsychological testing then thats the best and most thorough way you can be diagnosed in my opinion.
For me it was just slow. Went to my general practitioner got a generic questionnaire. Scored high enough for a specialist referral. 1 month later had a 20 minute interview and got another referral. 2 months later had a 1 hour session which gave a full neuropsychiatric referral. 2 months waiting for insurance to approve and then 6 months waiting for that doctor. 6 hours of testing and they had my ADHD-primarily inattentive diagnosis done with a follow up for ASD testing to boot.
I was very ignorant about ADHD so I didn’t know how it actually presents in people aside from hyperactivity.
It helped my relationship with my wife and family a lot. I know my motivation is less than a typical person, I have less impulse control, and am more emotionally reactive. No amount of “I’ll try harder next time” will ever fix it. I beat myself up for years because any argument would end with “I’ll try harder and that will fix it!”. Turns out that without medication I need novelty, interest, or urgency to have motivation. Without one of those things I could create artificial urgency by mentally beating myself up and thinking I’m a lazy piece of shit. Doing this day after day for little things like doing the dishes or whatever chore I was putting off until my wife nagged wasn’t good for my mental health. I cried the day I learned that it truly is harder for me, and has been my whole life (homework was pulling teeth). Now medication gives me more motivation but I also externalize my memory to prevent forgetting. I have lists and whiteboards everywhere. I look crazy but I get all my chores done and haven’t had to beat myself up.
I don’t get mad at my wife when she suggests I stop (insert todays random ass hyperfocus) and instead get annoyed for one second and then realize she might be right and I go back when it’s appropriate. She also said it feels like I pay better attention and doesn’t feel like she has to walk on eggshells not knowing how I will react.
I still have a lot to learn but I went from feeling shame about how quickly I get mad, or how much work I’ve been putting off, or how my wife must be right that I hate her because I always forget at least one thing at the grocery store (religiously use an app now and if it isn’t on there she doesn’t blame me for forgetting) to not having felt shame in at least a week. Still happens but I’m practicing being kind to myself and I don’t feel as depressed half the time.
Thanks for reading this far and I hope you can repair any harmful learned behaviors that helped you navigate life with undiagnosed ADHD.
Wow. Thank you for your very thoughtful reply! I was in the same boat -- I am the inattentive type of ADHD, so no hyperactivity.
I'm not exaggerating a bit when I say that I identify with nearly every sentence you wrote here. In fact pretty much every single one. I think I have learned some tricks here and there to cope, and now with an official diagnosis it helps motivate me to put strategies like you list in action. I feel like I havent done enough to be honest. I got my diagnosis and it was incredibly eye opening, but I feel like I havent really done anything with the results other than now I am much more aware of my ADHD traits and what is ADHD and isnt.
If you dont mind, how has medication been for you? What are you taking? I have a family history of substance abuse. That combined with ADHD folks being more prone to addiction, im a bit afraid of medication.
Medication has been an interesting journey. Started with Adderall and slowly upped until I could tell some difference. I tend to watch YouTube instead of work and one day I looked at the videos and they all seemed boring so I wrote another work email. Next think you know I had wrote emails for 2 hours when normally 15 minutes was a stretch. Unfortunately I noticed I felt more irritable so I went on to try Vyvanse, Ritalin, and then Focalin. None ended up helping my focus as much as Adderall but Focalin same close without making me grumpy.
After needing to switch doctors because of insurance networking a new doctor said the irritability of the Adderall was likely the pill working and the ADHD was no longer holding my ASD back. Added 1mg of Guanfacine and it “cured” my irritability, rejection sensitivity and social anxiety. That one is a life changer. So much so that I have different less intense thoughts pop into my head as a response to something I would have previously interpreted as criticism. Wife asked where our sons lunchbox went and instead of thinking “I’m an idiot for leaving it at school or something” I thought “it must be in the car or we didn’t get it from school” and we proceeded to check the car and see it there.
It’s taken a long time to learn how to work with this disorder rather than hate myself, and I still do sometimes, you’re on the right path. Thankfully there’s tons of helpful podcasts and lectures I can listen to on the commute to help and better myself.
On YouTube How to ADHD has been good and she just wrote a book. Dr Russel Barkley is the godfather of ADHD and summarizes a ton of his research. And then r/ADHD and r/AuDHD have been very helpful. There is a podcast by the Holderness family that I am just starting but has been good so far.
Also I regards to addition it seems like ADHDers are more prone to it because we need more dopamine. Alcohol and nicotine are common when undiagnosed because they help with ADHD symptoms. If properly medicated you should be less likely to want/need those. You have to be strict with yourself to never use the medication recreationally or at least that’s my plan.
It's hard, isn't it?
To finally appreciate something your dad struggled with as you are now struggling with it.
Even worse when it's too late to tell them you get it, sorry and thank you.
I of course am not privy to your situation specifics, but re-consider that. Very likely it would strengthen your relationship. Not just "dude I hated you" - he most likely noticed. But that you now understand WHY it happened, that you are struggling in the same situation. It's liberating.
I would say -- have the hard conversation. Tell him you're grateful, that you can see now that he was doing his best and loving you the only way he could. Now that you're a father and you can relate to some of what he was going through, you can see things through his eyes a little bit more and that you understand. Maybe your relationship will improve. Maybe he deep down knows he wasn't a great father and deeply craves your forgiveness. Maybe it will be a chance for you to not have to carry that burden anymore and you can be an even better dad for your kids.
Most of all, don't go to his funeral wishing you'd had this conversation.
I take great pride in being nothing like my dad when I was a kid.
Having your own child is its own kind of therapy, forcing you to address your childhood and figure out what you want to learn from it.
I know that feeling for sure.
I grew up hating my dad. I was scared of him. He had a crazy rage and temper that couldn’t be predicted. I see it in myself.
I think the difference between me and my dad is the self awareness. I definitely have his temper and tendency towards depression. But I recognise this as a personality trait that can be overcome. It’s easy to use these feelings as confirming that the world is awful, folks are out to get you, you’re a victim.
I have a lot more understanding now. I get what the source was for his general unease, depression and anxiety. The rage was always directed at an external source, he never flipped the mirror back on himself.
Jim Gaffigan has a bit on why is Dad always unhappy while we're all on vacation. It was so perfect. I laughed and laughed. We took our first vacation last year now that the kids are old enough to appreciate and remember things. Like a bolt of lightning, I understand now.
Yea my dad was an ass he left home when i was 15 ran off with a nurse leaving my mum with 4 boys to look after. He would do things like use a garden bamboo cane and whip the backs of our legs . However now im a dad I think how hard it must have been to have 4 kids at the age of 22 , I dont forgive the canning but I can understand how miserable it must have been.
I am going through a very similar realization. I think what’s happening is that I’m finally forgiving my parents.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Consider how much different your and your dad’s approach to fatherhood was. The level of intention, thoughtfulness and preparation is so different, there’s no way we’ll make the same mistakes they made.
I never thought my parents were bad, but my first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day after both kids were born was eye opening. It’s like wow, I’ve always appreciated you guys, but I understand you both so much better now.
I offer blanket apologies to my parents about once a year now, when one of my kids does something that resonates with my own history.
They're gracious about it, but I can hear the knowing smile at the other end of the phone line. :7)
I also hated my dad as a kid... And I refuse to be the unhappy asshole. The dude had a complaint about literally everything and everyone. His way was the best way and any deviation from that was stupid, pointless, and you should feel bad.
I refuse to bring this type of negativity to my family and will do everything in my power to be the exact opposite of this.
Man I feel bad for his third wife. He hasn't changed a bit. Just to give an example.. Last time my wife and I went down to see them, we were on the way to the beach early in the morning, and stopped at a gas station to get ice and drinks for the cooler. We pull into the parking lot, and his wife, who is an extremely sweet lady, volunteers to go in and get the stuff.
She gets out of the car and walks up to the building which was kind of a plaza type deal, and accidentally pulls on the handle of the door to the Little Caesars next door that hasn't opened yet. A super simple, harmless, honest oopsie-daisy. My dad immediately starts spouting off about how she never pays attention to what the hell she's doing and blah blah blah I really tried not to listen.
When she gets back in the car, he proceeds to berate her in front of my wife and I for the entire 15 minute car ride to the beach and she is silent and in tears by the time we get there. Couldn't tell you why she puts up with it. He's never been violent by any stretch of the imagination, just a total fucking asshole. Glad he lives 500 miles away and I barely have to talk to him now.
There is no understanding in me. I will NEVER treat someone I love the way he treated us.
Been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since longer than my kids have been around.
It’s an everyday choice to work towards happiness, but- it’s insightful into my own childhood when I realize what my parents refused to acknowledge.
Yeah I don't think that person gets it. I have cptsd and I have found it useful to accept all of my emotions as they come. Happiness is just a chemical reaction and not really something I can just pump out. Joy on the other hand is something I can do and choose to bring whenever I want. Don't worry about being happy or having fun, people put way too much importance on those alone and that just makes others miserable. It's the crab pot of life and being a man society has dictated we are not allowed to feel the things we feel and if we do we better not show it or express it in a meaningful and constructive way. Otherwise we are seen as weak or less than and it's just such violent bullshit. Sounds like you are working on it and I hope your life becomes whole. Honor all your feelings and it gets easier to chose which thoughts you want to and which you want to tell yourself, "no thanks I'm good." It also gets easier to enjoy life when the anxiety of, "when will I feel happy?" thoughts are swapped with what a joyful event. It's all going to take work and practice. It may not always seem like it, but be kind to yourself, you are doing your best, and keep moving forward. I'm 12 years into therapy if that helps
Oh, for sure. Big realizations about the past and knowing I can do something about the past were the major steps towards happiness for me. I've been in throes of extreme depression and worse and crawled back out. It's a tough road, but a joyful and triumphant one. You can take on just about anything once you've conquered such deep abiding depression.
As for little things, I started with an "hedonic regimen" where I started with just putting on some music that just makes me feel good for an hour or two every day and just move around a bit, or perhaps did the dishes and cooked dinner.
But anyway, friend, I won't pry any longer. Good luck to you!
A couple of things that have helped me with similar issues:
- when I get depressed I think of this saying: “depression is anger turned inwards”, and I write down everything I might be angry about. There’s usually something on my mind and writing really helps.
- I’ve had to become much more aware of my body chemistry: did I drink the night before? Have I had too much coffee? Am I low on blood sugar? These usually lead to big swings in my mood.
- exercise. Cardio has a huge positive impact on my wellbeing when I have the time to devote to it.
Hang in there Dad, keep talking, try writing or making lists, breathe, you got this.
I definitely understand my Dad alot more as an adult. Doesn't make his reaction to things any better but I understand them more.
I'm very similar to my Dad and why is that? Up bringing? Probably, show impatience, teach impatience but I'm aware of the things I did not like and have tried like hell to do things different. Will I fuck up my kid too? Probably but hopefully not in any of the same ways.
Noah Kahan’s “Notthern Attitude” with the line ‘Please forgive me, I was raised out in the cold’ has really spoken to me about this the last couple of months.
https://youtu.be/BTzok75Ygaw?si=-Eac-le7UN1EbrpJ
I transitioned to working fully remote during Covid and have been home schooling our three elementary aged kids.
Most days I feel like I am running from 6:30 when I get up to 9:30 when I finally get the kids settled at night. Usually don’t get to bed till 11.
And I fight every day to not turn into a grouchy bear with my family.
When I hear my dad’s voice or words come out of my mouth, I stop immediately, laugh and choose a better path.
My dad is a decent, generous man but was not a great father, he still thinks that there needs to be someone viewed as a disciplinarian (yeller) in the household. I am trying my darndest to not be that dude
I feel ya man. I suddenly realized in my 40s that my dad was hard on me when I was a teenager because he was trying to toughen me up, not because he was an asshole.
I had a realization a couple of years ago. When you see somebody doing something that doesn't make any sense, ask yourself what would have to happen to you for you to have to do what they're doing. Chances are that's exactly what they've been through.
I'm sure I'll learn a lot of about how my dad was after my first child is born, but therapy for me, and the loss of my dad last year and going through his things, made me understand how much self-medication my dad was doing. He was a life long smoker and latent alcoholic until he went full blown alcoholic in his later years. My dad had severe depression, and maybe anxiety, probably most of his life. We were decidedly lower-middle class, possibly venturing into lower-class numerous times, and I think the weight of that was on him all the time to try and give us a better life. He did a lot of things when I was a child that tell me he loved me and was happy to have a son. I learned a lot from my dad, but we grew apart as we got older, developed my own problems, and watched his health degrade and witness him do nothing to improve it.
I look forward to being able to share my interests with a son and/or daughter of my own in the near future but I hope I have the mental preparedness and knowledge to know how to avoid the mistakes my dad made. I've certainly managed to avoid his vices.
All that is to say, your kids will remember the things you did to show them love. They'll also remember the times you couldn't handle it all. They won't understand it as children, but they'll know - as you do now - that you were trying. That's all any of us can do.
This hits. In 3 months I will be a dad. While my dad wasn’t an asshole, he was very unhappy with a ton of bad habits, ways of thinking, etc. Things that would anger and depress me as a kid. “Dad, how can you not see that XYZ is bad. Dad, please look at this from my perspective etc etc etc”
Now I see just about all these characteristics in me and at times it’s horrifying. The guilt is heavy too. I try to hold on to these feelings though to remind myself how I’ll be a different dad
One thing I’ve been striving to improve on over my dad’s parenting is active and open communication.
I was punished for expressing any kind of negative emotion as a kid. It was never “okay” to feel angry or frustrated.
My “birds and the bees” talk was my dad putting in a rented VHS about the topic, leaving the room, then coming in afterwards and asking if I had any questions.
My conversation with my dad about girl’s menstrual cycles was led with “let’s talk about why girls say they’re on the rag”.
He’s a miserable person who admittedly had a bad upbringing (he never knew his dad). But I remind myself every day to not let that carry onto the next generation.
I had the opposite reaction. I thought my dad was a decent dad until I had my son. At that point I realized that he actually wasn’t really a good dad, he was a decent roof and food provider and that’s it.
Lol yea the things I’ve criticized my parents for are things I am starting to relate to more and more even things I complain about now as a parent. My parents were ground down to a pulp before we grew up. Just as life finds a way, life also forces you to change perspectives.
It’s weird to realize that you weren’t a bad kid, you just had a bad dad and when I start getting angry about it I remember that he was once a kid who wasn’t bad and had a worse dad. I’m doing my best to break generational cycles of abuse with my kids but I hope that my girls find a way to being even better parents than I am striving to be.
I’ve had some realizations myself about how my mom snapped on us growing up. Like I pushed her just like my kids pushed me! Really is the thought that counts!! You’re putting an effort and kids will remember it! What’s helped me on those days are hand signs 🫶🏼 or blowing kisses hahaha because the next word coming out of my mouth is f… Best of luck 🤙🏼
Amen to the next word comment.. Now if someone could just convince my wife of that 😂
Oh your wife drop the f-bomb like that’s the dogs name? 😅 I’m not going to say anything, haven’t and won’t.
This proves I’m not the only one living this experience, glad to hear 😂
anytime I end up yelling at my kids or doing something I know, after the fact, was kinda over the line a bit.... I make it a point to sit down and talk to them. Say something along the lines of, "Hey, bud. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm very sorry. I got frustrated, but please work with me" Fuck me, I hope it helps mitigate some of the damage.
Being a dad helped me understand my dad so much more and get to the point of love, forgiveness and understanding. Fatherhood ended up being so hard that is almost broke me but I learned I have ADHD and eventually that my dad does too. He even got diagnosed after me and we have bonded after I barely liked him for 28 years. What you’re doing is bigger than you and breaking generational trauma isn’t easy. You’re amazing for doing the extra work on top of the never ending exhaustion that is parenting. Even if you don’t completely stop the trauma tsunami from affecting the next generation you are bringing it down so it won’t do as much damage.
My goal is to bear the brunt of the trauma, it’s breaking me already, but I’m going to do my fucking best. My family’s life expectancy shouldn’t be 50 in this world we live in.
Hoping you can find a way face and heal you trauma rather than simply bear its brunt. That’s not going to be healthy for you, and whether you see it or not, affects your kids too. A quote that hit me hard. “Just because your parents didn’t break every cycle doesn’t mean they didn’t break any.”
Me being a dad definitely made me to reflect a ton on my own childhood and helped me understand my father better. Although... while I understand him better, unfortunately I came out the other end liking my father less. I am using it as a lesson though, and not making the same mistakes with my own son.
I'm a dad who recently got diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s. Pretty sure my dad has it also. After getting diagnosed, what were some bigger revelations or how has that helped you?
How hard was it to get diagnosed? What was the process like for you? I'm going to ask my Dr about testing for ADHD this afternoon but I have no idea what to expect. Thanks
For me, fortunately, incredibly easy. There are different ways that diagnosis is done. For me, I wanted to be evaluated properly by doctors who specialized in ADHD. So I sought out a Neuropsychologist where I could get neuropsychological testing done. I went directly to this route, rather than to my GP first. What this looked like was a 1 hour video/phone screen with the doctor for intake to just talk through my concerns etc. Following that was 4 hour long in person testing. This consisted of a technician guiding me through testing to evaluate my brain functioning as a whole. Lots of stuff involved there, but think testing short term memory long term memory math problems puzzles.. all sorts of things. Then, they take all that data and the data from the intake as well as questionnaire from my wife and make a diagnosis. For me, that was ADHD as well as Dyscalculia (sort of like math dyslexia). Like I said, diagnosis for ADHD can be gone about different ways. Personally I wanted the most thorough method possible and this is the route I went. Theres probably medical doctors who will issue a diagnosis based on simple diagnostics and history from a patient thats a lot less involved if theyre just seeking medication options. Personally thats not what I wanted. Anyways, a big key factor in ADHD diagnosis is the symptoms must have been present your entire life. So these shouldnt be short term struggles youve had in the last handful of years -- the problems would have been present for your lifetime, through school, etc. Go through your appointment and see how you feel about the outcome. If your doctor recommends more thorough testing, then thats great. If they suggest neuropsychological testing then thats the best and most thorough way you can be diagnosed in my opinion.
I appreciate the detailed answer. Thank you
For me it was just slow. Went to my general practitioner got a generic questionnaire. Scored high enough for a specialist referral. 1 month later had a 20 minute interview and got another referral. 2 months later had a 1 hour session which gave a full neuropsychiatric referral. 2 months waiting for insurance to approve and then 6 months waiting for that doctor. 6 hours of testing and they had my ADHD-primarily inattentive diagnosis done with a follow up for ASD testing to boot.
I was very ignorant about ADHD so I didn’t know how it actually presents in people aside from hyperactivity. It helped my relationship with my wife and family a lot. I know my motivation is less than a typical person, I have less impulse control, and am more emotionally reactive. No amount of “I’ll try harder next time” will ever fix it. I beat myself up for years because any argument would end with “I’ll try harder and that will fix it!”. Turns out that without medication I need novelty, interest, or urgency to have motivation. Without one of those things I could create artificial urgency by mentally beating myself up and thinking I’m a lazy piece of shit. Doing this day after day for little things like doing the dishes or whatever chore I was putting off until my wife nagged wasn’t good for my mental health. I cried the day I learned that it truly is harder for me, and has been my whole life (homework was pulling teeth). Now medication gives me more motivation but I also externalize my memory to prevent forgetting. I have lists and whiteboards everywhere. I look crazy but I get all my chores done and haven’t had to beat myself up. I don’t get mad at my wife when she suggests I stop (insert todays random ass hyperfocus) and instead get annoyed for one second and then realize she might be right and I go back when it’s appropriate. She also said it feels like I pay better attention and doesn’t feel like she has to walk on eggshells not knowing how I will react. I still have a lot to learn but I went from feeling shame about how quickly I get mad, or how much work I’ve been putting off, or how my wife must be right that I hate her because I always forget at least one thing at the grocery store (religiously use an app now and if it isn’t on there she doesn’t blame me for forgetting) to not having felt shame in at least a week. Still happens but I’m practicing being kind to myself and I don’t feel as depressed half the time. Thanks for reading this far and I hope you can repair any harmful learned behaviors that helped you navigate life with undiagnosed ADHD.
Wow. Thank you for your very thoughtful reply! I was in the same boat -- I am the inattentive type of ADHD, so no hyperactivity. I'm not exaggerating a bit when I say that I identify with nearly every sentence you wrote here. In fact pretty much every single one. I think I have learned some tricks here and there to cope, and now with an official diagnosis it helps motivate me to put strategies like you list in action. I feel like I havent done enough to be honest. I got my diagnosis and it was incredibly eye opening, but I feel like I havent really done anything with the results other than now I am much more aware of my ADHD traits and what is ADHD and isnt. If you dont mind, how has medication been for you? What are you taking? I have a family history of substance abuse. That combined with ADHD folks being more prone to addiction, im a bit afraid of medication.
Medication has been an interesting journey. Started with Adderall and slowly upped until I could tell some difference. I tend to watch YouTube instead of work and one day I looked at the videos and they all seemed boring so I wrote another work email. Next think you know I had wrote emails for 2 hours when normally 15 minutes was a stretch. Unfortunately I noticed I felt more irritable so I went on to try Vyvanse, Ritalin, and then Focalin. None ended up helping my focus as much as Adderall but Focalin same close without making me grumpy. After needing to switch doctors because of insurance networking a new doctor said the irritability of the Adderall was likely the pill working and the ADHD was no longer holding my ASD back. Added 1mg of Guanfacine and it “cured” my irritability, rejection sensitivity and social anxiety. That one is a life changer. So much so that I have different less intense thoughts pop into my head as a response to something I would have previously interpreted as criticism. Wife asked where our sons lunchbox went and instead of thinking “I’m an idiot for leaving it at school or something” I thought “it must be in the car or we didn’t get it from school” and we proceeded to check the car and see it there. It’s taken a long time to learn how to work with this disorder rather than hate myself, and I still do sometimes, you’re on the right path. Thankfully there’s tons of helpful podcasts and lectures I can listen to on the commute to help and better myself.
Thank you, I really appreciate it. Any go-to resources or podcasts that you could share?
On YouTube How to ADHD has been good and she just wrote a book. Dr Russel Barkley is the godfather of ADHD and summarizes a ton of his research. And then r/ADHD and r/AuDHD have been very helpful. There is a podcast by the Holderness family that I am just starting but has been good so far. Also I regards to addition it seems like ADHDers are more prone to it because we need more dopamine. Alcohol and nicotine are common when undiagnosed because they help with ADHD symptoms. If properly medicated you should be less likely to want/need those. You have to be strict with yourself to never use the medication recreationally or at least that’s my plan.
It's hard, isn't it? To finally appreciate something your dad struggled with as you are now struggling with it. Even worse when it's too late to tell them you get it, sorry and thank you.
Luckily, my dads still here, but he wouldn’t handle that well. Right now- he’s showing up for my kids, that’s more important than my truth being told.
I of course am not privy to your situation specifics, but re-consider that. Very likely it would strengthen your relationship. Not just "dude I hated you" - he most likely noticed. But that you now understand WHY it happened, that you are struggling in the same situation. It's liberating.
If you are struggling then, no, it isn't more important. You should talk to him and you're doing yourself, and your kids, a disservice if you don't.
I would say -- have the hard conversation. Tell him you're grateful, that you can see now that he was doing his best and loving you the only way he could. Now that you're a father and you can relate to some of what he was going through, you can see things through his eyes a little bit more and that you understand. Maybe your relationship will improve. Maybe he deep down knows he wasn't a great father and deeply craves your forgiveness. Maybe it will be a chance for you to not have to carry that burden anymore and you can be an even better dad for your kids. Most of all, don't go to his funeral wishing you'd had this conversation.
Is it?
I take great pride in being nothing like my dad when I was a kid. Having your own child is its own kind of therapy, forcing you to address your childhood and figure out what you want to learn from it.
My entire mantra revolves around being the dad I wanted not the dad I had. Until this little man can voice his desires, it’ll continue to be that way.
I know that feeling for sure. I grew up hating my dad. I was scared of him. He had a crazy rage and temper that couldn’t be predicted. I see it in myself. I think the difference between me and my dad is the self awareness. I definitely have his temper and tendency towards depression. But I recognise this as a personality trait that can be overcome. It’s easy to use these feelings as confirming that the world is awful, folks are out to get you, you’re a victim. I have a lot more understanding now. I get what the source was for his general unease, depression and anxiety. The rage was always directed at an external source, he never flipped the mirror back on himself.
Jim Gaffigan has a bit on why is Dad always unhappy while we're all on vacation. It was so perfect. I laughed and laughed. We took our first vacation last year now that the kids are old enough to appreciate and remember things. Like a bolt of lightning, I understand now.
Yea my dad was an ass he left home when i was 15 ran off with a nurse leaving my mum with 4 boys to look after. He would do things like use a garden bamboo cane and whip the backs of our legs . However now im a dad I think how hard it must have been to have 4 kids at the age of 22 , I dont forgive the canning but I can understand how miserable it must have been.
By the time a man realizes he has a dad who was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
And sometimes you realize your dad was wrong and you make changes so your son doesn't think you're wrong.
Jeez, yeah that’s what I was thinking. My son (4) has mentioned stuff like that about me being mad. It’s tough
*Dang,* that's a bullseye.
I am going through a very similar realization. I think what’s happening is that I’m finally forgiving my parents. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Consider how much different your and your dad’s approach to fatherhood was. The level of intention, thoughtfulness and preparation is so different, there’s no way we’ll make the same mistakes they made.
I never thought my parents were bad, but my first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day after both kids were born was eye opening. It’s like wow, I’ve always appreciated you guys, but I understand you both so much better now.
I offer blanket apologies to my parents about once a year now, when one of my kids does something that resonates with my own history. They're gracious about it, but I can hear the knowing smile at the other end of the phone line. :7)
I also hated my dad as a kid... And I refuse to be the unhappy asshole. The dude had a complaint about literally everything and everyone. His way was the best way and any deviation from that was stupid, pointless, and you should feel bad. I refuse to bring this type of negativity to my family and will do everything in my power to be the exact opposite of this. Man I feel bad for his third wife. He hasn't changed a bit. Just to give an example.. Last time my wife and I went down to see them, we were on the way to the beach early in the morning, and stopped at a gas station to get ice and drinks for the cooler. We pull into the parking lot, and his wife, who is an extremely sweet lady, volunteers to go in and get the stuff. She gets out of the car and walks up to the building which was kind of a plaza type deal, and accidentally pulls on the handle of the door to the Little Caesars next door that hasn't opened yet. A super simple, harmless, honest oopsie-daisy. My dad immediately starts spouting off about how she never pays attention to what the hell she's doing and blah blah blah I really tried not to listen. When she gets back in the car, he proceeds to berate her in front of my wife and I for the entire 15 minute car ride to the beach and she is silent and in tears by the time we get there. Couldn't tell you why she puts up with it. He's never been violent by any stretch of the imagination, just a total fucking asshole. Glad he lives 500 miles away and I barely have to talk to him now. There is no understanding in me. I will NEVER treat someone I love the way he treated us.
What's bringing you down, Dad? If you make the goal to be happy and pursue it, you totally can get there.
Been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since longer than my kids have been around. It’s an everyday choice to work towards happiness, but- it’s insightful into my own childhood when I realize what my parents refused to acknowledge.
Yeah I don't think that person gets it. I have cptsd and I have found it useful to accept all of my emotions as they come. Happiness is just a chemical reaction and not really something I can just pump out. Joy on the other hand is something I can do and choose to bring whenever I want. Don't worry about being happy or having fun, people put way too much importance on those alone and that just makes others miserable. It's the crab pot of life and being a man society has dictated we are not allowed to feel the things we feel and if we do we better not show it or express it in a meaningful and constructive way. Otherwise we are seen as weak or less than and it's just such violent bullshit. Sounds like you are working on it and I hope your life becomes whole. Honor all your feelings and it gets easier to chose which thoughts you want to and which you want to tell yourself, "no thanks I'm good." It also gets easier to enjoy life when the anxiety of, "when will I feel happy?" thoughts are swapped with what a joyful event. It's all going to take work and practice. It may not always seem like it, but be kind to yourself, you are doing your best, and keep moving forward. I'm 12 years into therapy if that helps
Oh, for sure. Big realizations about the past and knowing I can do something about the past were the major steps towards happiness for me. I've been in throes of extreme depression and worse and crawled back out. It's a tough road, but a joyful and triumphant one. You can take on just about anything once you've conquered such deep abiding depression. As for little things, I started with an "hedonic regimen" where I started with just putting on some music that just makes me feel good for an hour or two every day and just move around a bit, or perhaps did the dishes and cooked dinner. But anyway, friend, I won't pry any longer. Good luck to you!
A couple of things that have helped me with similar issues: - when I get depressed I think of this saying: “depression is anger turned inwards”, and I write down everything I might be angry about. There’s usually something on my mind and writing really helps. - I’ve had to become much more aware of my body chemistry: did I drink the night before? Have I had too much coffee? Am I low on blood sugar? These usually lead to big swings in my mood. - exercise. Cardio has a huge positive impact on my wellbeing when I have the time to devote to it. Hang in there Dad, keep talking, try writing or making lists, breathe, you got this.
I definitely understand my Dad alot more as an adult. Doesn't make his reaction to things any better but I understand them more. I'm very similar to my Dad and why is that? Up bringing? Probably, show impatience, teach impatience but I'm aware of the things I did not like and have tried like hell to do things different. Will I fuck up my kid too? Probably but hopefully not in any of the same ways.
Man I had the total opposite realization. I realized my dad was just an unreasonable asshole. Still is I guess.
Noah Kahan’s “Notthern Attitude” with the line ‘Please forgive me, I was raised out in the cold’ has really spoken to me about this the last couple of months. https://youtu.be/BTzok75Ygaw?si=-Eac-le7UN1EbrpJ I transitioned to working fully remote during Covid and have been home schooling our three elementary aged kids. Most days I feel like I am running from 6:30 when I get up to 9:30 when I finally get the kids settled at night. Usually don’t get to bed till 11. And I fight every day to not turn into a grouchy bear with my family.
When I hear my dad’s voice or words come out of my mouth, I stop immediately, laugh and choose a better path. My dad is a decent, generous man but was not a great father, he still thinks that there needs to be someone viewed as a disciplinarian (yeller) in the household. I am trying my darndest to not be that dude
I feel ya man. I suddenly realized in my 40s that my dad was hard on me when I was a teenager because he was trying to toughen me up, not because he was an asshole.
I had a realization a couple of years ago. When you see somebody doing something that doesn't make any sense, ask yourself what would have to happen to you for you to have to do what they're doing. Chances are that's exactly what they've been through.
I'm sure I'll learn a lot of about how my dad was after my first child is born, but therapy for me, and the loss of my dad last year and going through his things, made me understand how much self-medication my dad was doing. He was a life long smoker and latent alcoholic until he went full blown alcoholic in his later years. My dad had severe depression, and maybe anxiety, probably most of his life. We were decidedly lower-middle class, possibly venturing into lower-class numerous times, and I think the weight of that was on him all the time to try and give us a better life. He did a lot of things when I was a child that tell me he loved me and was happy to have a son. I learned a lot from my dad, but we grew apart as we got older, developed my own problems, and watched his health degrade and witness him do nothing to improve it. I look forward to being able to share my interests with a son and/or daughter of my own in the near future but I hope I have the mental preparedness and knowledge to know how to avoid the mistakes my dad made. I've certainly managed to avoid his vices. All that is to say, your kids will remember the things you did to show them love. They'll also remember the times you couldn't handle it all. They won't understand it as children, but they'll know - as you do now - that you were trying. That's all any of us can do.
This hits. In 3 months I will be a dad. While my dad wasn’t an asshole, he was very unhappy with a ton of bad habits, ways of thinking, etc. Things that would anger and depress me as a kid. “Dad, how can you not see that XYZ is bad. Dad, please look at this from my perspective etc etc etc” Now I see just about all these characteristics in me and at times it’s horrifying. The guilt is heavy too. I try to hold on to these feelings though to remind myself how I’ll be a different dad
One thing I’ve been striving to improve on over my dad’s parenting is active and open communication. I was punished for expressing any kind of negative emotion as a kid. It was never “okay” to feel angry or frustrated. My “birds and the bees” talk was my dad putting in a rented VHS about the topic, leaving the room, then coming in afterwards and asking if I had any questions. My conversation with my dad about girl’s menstrual cycles was led with “let’s talk about why girls say they’re on the rag”. He’s a miserable person who admittedly had a bad upbringing (he never knew his dad). But I remind myself every day to not let that carry onto the next generation.
Same as it ever was.
I had the opposite reaction. I thought my dad was a decent dad until I had my son. At that point I realized that he actually wasn’t really a good dad, he was a decent roof and food provider and that’s it.
Lol yea the things I’ve criticized my parents for are things I am starting to relate to more and more even things I complain about now as a parent. My parents were ground down to a pulp before we grew up. Just as life finds a way, life also forces you to change perspectives.
Being a Dad helped me reealisee truly how shit of a dad and person my father was. I'm really glad you got the opposite experience, I'm jealous lol
It’s weird to realize that you weren’t a bad kid, you just had a bad dad and when I start getting angry about it I remember that he was once a kid who wasn’t bad and had a worse dad. I’m doing my best to break generational cycles of abuse with my kids but I hope that my girls find a way to being even better parents than I am striving to be.