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If you always split the bill then I guess it's okay for him to ask. However you posing this question kind of indicates that you have at least somewhat of an issue with this, so I would pose this question: are you happy/can you be happy in a relationship where everything little thing is split 50/50?
I personally couldn't do it, and I learned I couldn't do it with a partner who wanted to split a $6 popcorn at the movies even though he was an engineer.
It is insane how much disrespect women are taught to put up with. I'm sure the same guy would have threw an absolute hissy fit at the thought of paying for half of the birth control pills
undoubtedly. i got off birth control because i was on it for 7+ years and figured i’d make my own decision to come off it to see how my body does without it (went on it because i had HORRIBLE cramps and super heavy periods). he wanted to do it raw even after i got off b.c. and i was super iffy about doing so but i wanted to make him happy so i obliged. rookie mistake, i know. he did end up buying a pack of 3 (probably the most expensive kind??) and only ended up using 2. the relationship was already going down the drain prior to that so it was kinda “welp, just more frosting on top” kinda thing. at the time i even searched reddit forums if it was “normal” to split the cost of condoms😅
I wouldn't bother asking Reddit advice about those type of things because there are so many of those gross fuckboys and hateful incels, in the moment they hear of a woman having standards or sticking up for themselves they will start howling about it. I never ever pay for dates. And I do not ask men out. And I block them at the first sign of disrespect, the first red flag I see. And I have had absolute unhinged weirdos who have never met me filling up my inbox throwing hissy fits about it. But the truth is I've seen it over and over again. Men will date a woman they Don't really Care for or care about just because it's easy sex and someone to hang around. They will even marry girls they feel this way about, but the minute they get a chance that their dream girl they throw her away my trash. I don't for a minute think women are perfect creatures who never do anything wrong, but I can say for sure that I have never ever seen a relationship go well when it was the woman who pursued the man, and all of the 50/50 relationships I've seen, the woman has basically taken on all the domestic labor and she pays half the bills for the privilege of doing so. Good for you on breaking up with him, and I'm very glad you didn't get knocked up but someone like that!
yeah i never made a forum post because i figured i’d get mixed answers. i did my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because i was his first “actual” relationship but at the end of the day we were incompatible and he thought we could work through everything and everything. longevity wise yeah that’s great for a relationship but you can’t force compatibility on the “simpler” things imo. we were constantly on different pages. it was exhausting.
You know there's a very good book if you haven't read it yet, it's called: [Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n14/mode/1up) by Lundy Bancroft. If you read it it will help you recognize the difference between an abusive relationship versus an incompatible one. Honestly I feel like everyone should read this book before they start dating. The link takes you to a free online copy
i haven’t heard of it! thank you so much for the recommendation! i went to my mom for advice (we have healthy open communication with each other) on some things he would do/say in response to something i did or said (something i didn’t perceive as it being interpreted negatively nor intend for it to be) because i honestly felt like a piece of shit girlfriend for how he took things a lot of the time. we would discuss these situations and he’d word things completely differently than what i initially said. i started to think maybe i DID say that.. tldr my mom always told me he displayed narcissistic behaviors. i just felt as if she had a bias because her ex husband was a narcissist.
Ohhhhhh that makes sense, if you witnessed your mother, who you have a close relationship with and is a role model to you, if you witness her having a narcissistic partner, so consciously people model after the behavior they see and start to accept it. Also if he was not as bad as your mom's partner you might have felt like your bf wasn't bad enough to call it abuse. Lots of things at play here but could have added to the situation.
He used to be some sort of female dating advice group on Reddit, and it did have some good advice about vetting potential partners, about having high standards things like that. But they also seem very angry and resentful towards men in general and outright hateful towards trans people, so I couldn't really recommend them. But I will say that you know it's better to be alone than somebody who takes you for granted, and that the 50/50 in relationships is never going to get you into a relationship where you are involved and appreciated. In the courtship phase, any guy who cared about impressing you would never be asking for money. And then once you are in a relationship, women end up doing all.ost all the domestic, mental,and emotional labour. If he doesn't feel protective and want to provide for you, it's a bad sign (and I am not by any stretch of the imagination saying that you shouldn't work, I'm just saying that the the percentage of bills you pay should reflect your labour. If you are the only reason be who cooks and cleans then he should be the only one who pays). A lot of women are realizing that they are happier alone than In Bad relationships. Either way I hope you find happiness and peace In whatever way possible!
You could say the same for men. It's not disrespect to split. These days men are seen as retirement plans, not partners/equals.
Why is she looking at his pay & lifestyle? Bc she thinks she is entitled to it. She will not say this, but we can all read between the lines. A good man will give every last dollar to a woman that's worth it. How do we know she is? We don't, and can't in a no fault divorce culture. The only way to remove the hidden possibility of bring a deceptive womans' retirement plan is to see if she cares about the control/$? Or you? Years don't always tell, this.
If you do marry, never do it in the US
I mean, it depends. If he is always picking you up and taking you to places and you are benefiting from his car and the usage of it. A little money for gas from time to time is not a tall ask whatsoever. The alternative is he stops picking you up which I don't think is a good option.
Spilting bills is standard these days assuming you want a relationship were you are both equal. I don't know how much "gas" is as I'm in Australia and we have petrol. But given the average petrol prices if I was driving 30 minutes one way and all the other driving involved with getting us around and then going back to my place I would be asking for petrol money as well not everytime, but certainly occasionally.
I don't think it's unreasonable necessarily. if he was asking every time and gas prices aren't that much and he has an efficient car I'd be questioning that.
I'd talk to your bf and maybe negotiate terms like every 2nd ir 3rd time. if it bothers you then definatly say so, but I would be prepared for confrontation, hopefully respectable confrontation, but confrontation none the less.
Gas and petrol are the same thing.
I looked it up, the typical gas prices in Australia would be most comparable to gas prices in HCOL places in the US, like California. However, you have higher octane options, which accounts for some of the difference.
I know they are the same substance but not being American, costs may differ either not at all, slightly or significantly. All these are factors to take into account (the cost of fuel, how much is used to do his relationship duties etc.) to then come up with a true essence of financial cost. If 50 bucks truly exceeds cost, then that is unreasonable. However, others suggested that they discuss relationship costs and spilt it up according to their specific needs and available resources and distribute these evenly between the two of them. This is probably the best solution offered so far.
It depends what part of the country they're in, but if they're basically anywhere but one of the 5 largest cities in the US, gas would probably be comparable to mine. A 30 minute drive in my very average mpg car would cost me around $3 in gas. If they're seeing each other weekly, that means he'd be spending in total $25-30 in gas monthly to see her, so her half would generously be maybe $15. Yes, relationships need to be equitable, but at some point it crosses the line from splitting costs to nickle and diming your partner, and at his salary, asking for gas money for a weekly visit is crossing that line imo.
When I first read your comment, I thought for sure the math was wrong and it would be more. After running the numbers I totally agree. If you make 50k and live at home even in a high cost of the living area that’s not enough to warrant asking for gas money.
Yeah haha I road trip a few times a year, used to be in a long distance relationship where I regularly drove 6 hours for visits, and regularly visit friends 1 hour away. I've become accutely aware of gas expenditures and can pretty accurately estimate costs off the top of my head, so I'm glad I have external confirmation of that.
The only way I can think of that his gas would be significantly more expensive is if he drives some piece of shit that gets 15 mpg, but even then I think that would fall under personal problem, someone else shouldn't have to pay because you drive a garbage can.
thank you for the context. The 50 bucks regularly is ridiculous and an unreasonable request. Maybe 20 bucks once a month would be better, but I think the best suggestion I've seen so far is the idea of perhaps she picks up something small expense, like snacks for a movie night something like that.
I wonder if OP has a subscription service they utilise that she pays for? If so, this would offset the fuel cost based on the numbers you provided.
Sharing a subscription service would be a decent way to go about it. However, I make roughly the same as the bf, plus have rent, and I would never dream of asking for gas money for local travel. I don't know if he's taking advantage of her, in dire financial straits, or he just isn't willing to eat $15-20 in gas costs to see his girlfriend he allegedly cares for, but either way, I find it concerning.
neither almost all Australians refer to them as servos short for service station. Some do refer them to specific oil brands shell, mobile, BP etc and other may say OTR which stands for On the Run which is a conglomerate that sprang up in Austrlaia in the early 2010's and have since cornered the market on all service stations. More than 90% of all places to get fuel in Austrlia is an On the Run aka otr.
but yea essentially its servo almost always or otr
I agree with this narrative. When my seizures were a little out of control. My boyfriend would drive me places and never asked. However, there were times where I bought food and/or gave him my card so he can pay for it 🥹 now we are a 50/50 couple. 💪
Dang I must be way off. My first thought was that he's probably spending a lot of his money on drugs or gambling.
But what doni know. I don't know these individuals personally
NO! This clown doesn't even care enough about you to treat you on a date, and he still lives with Mommy and daddy. I promise you if you move in with him you will be his new mommy doing all of the chores and paying 50 percent or more of the bills for the privilege. Go find an actual grown up to date
No-one in this thread has any empathy for your boyfriend and I think that's ridiculous. Petrol is a real cost, and if you don't drive and he's mainly driving to and from to pick you up, it's a real cost that you two are incurring as a couple but he's solely paying for.
It's not about being a man or any other shit. It's about coming to the relationship equally, treating each other with respect and working together.
Give him some money OP, or suggest that you pay for XYZ more often instead -- whatever works for you. And this is a great time to bring up splitting the costs in a more romantic way too!
Reddit is full of delusional men and women.....This thread is plagued by irrational women who don't realize they are a problem and really think they had no wrongs in their past relationships. Always jumping towards leave him and hes piece of shit even when the woman says she stabbed him or fucked his brother for christ sake it can honestly be some random dumb shit asked and vice versa dudes doing the same. Relationships are a partnership, and compromising isn't a spooky word like a lot of the jackasses in here think it is. Depending on which sex asks the question, there's always gonna be the man haters and woman haters. The person who asked the question wants what they believe to be the right answer, so they ask to get a grip of what others say... then explode at the person who thinks they are wrong.
It depends on mpg, gas prices, and distance, but a 30 minute drive would cost me about $3, at most $4. They see each other once a week. So dude is asking for reimbursement for what amounts to, and being extremely generous here, $15-20 a month.
If petrol is a big issue for him he needs a girlfriend closer and more convenient for himself. That's a shame he's ask his girl for gas money. Bottom line!
This is an exceptionally childish view on it.
If he is paying for majority of things, doing most of the travelling it's not a big ask for her to contribute to their dates hy way of petrol cost.
Why must men incur all the cost of dating someone. Some women have no qualms about asking their man for money for their hair, nails etc so what is the issue here?
There's no empathy because he has a full time job and no bills.
OP: How old is your bf? Are you also working full time? Do you have your own apartment or living with family?
Personally, I fine with 50/50 to an extent, but I'll be damned before I support a man who has no bills 🤷🏽♀️ he knew what he was getting into living a distance from you and if it was going to be a situation where he needed financial help, he should have set that tone from day 1.
She's not supporting him, just helping cover for their costs. Where's the problem in that, and why is it that "he knew what he was getting into living a distance from you" instead of "there's a large distance between you two, so you should both make an effort to travel to each other" (or pay some of the cost for the only partner who drives to do so)?
She does pay some of the cost by using public transportation so he's not using gas. Instead of asking for cash, he could suggest she take the bus or make an agreement to alternate from now on. One visit he drives, the next she takes the bus.
I see your point, but would public transportation cost as much as gas?
I get the sense that the amount is what is tripping most people up. I think 50 bucks to cover like several trips isn't unreasonable. But others have suggested instead of gas money perhaps they have a discussion about spiltting the costs in a different way so it's fair and equitable all things considered. That would make sense.
Those within the greater thread saying he's out of line for asking to spilt bills or share the costs of the relationship equally are the reason why the dating scene is so screwed. Traditionalism mindset without assuming your half of that arrangement which no woman that has any interest of being equal to their partner would ever want.
I'm sure guys do this too but from my perspective based on conversations with women in my life and what I read and observe in the world. A lot of women seem to have this mindset that they should be treated like their mothers and/or grandmothers, given a princess treatment and all these traditional dating rituals without assuming their responsibility or part of that exchange. It's really smells of "I want all the good stuff that benefits me but I don't want any of the responsibilities or detrimits" it's a I want to have my cake and eat it too. Men assuming all the responsibility, risk and salient burden with very low return on investment. It's a deal no man in his right mind would ever take regardless of the woman or man they are interested.
Instead, we need to establish new norms where women and men want mutually respectful, loving, caring and fulfilling relationships which means spiltting the associated responsibilities, risks and burden right down the middle. Anything less is just doomed to fail.
I’m all for equal treatment. I think you pay today I’ll pay tomorrow is a better arrangement in my mind though. As long as my day to pay isn’t always four star and yours sub sandwich’s.
Yeah that arrangement rocks! I mean whatever works for the couple at the end of the day is the best solution right? Yeah absolutely I think case by case basis is an element here for sure. I think if I was in that situation you mentioned it would be a conversation, like I noticed there seems to be a disproportionate arrangement within our arrangement. Perhaps when you're doing big ticket items like a 4 star restaurant it is a matter of splitting or if you get thr 4 star restaurant I get the next 2 or 3 non restaurant days. Or one gets meals the other gets drinks and/or the cab/transport back to home to off set the potential imbalance.
in my last relationship we had a glass jar we put loose change and other little bits of money aside. If we wanted to do something fancy together, we used the "jar of fancy dates" money as we called it. It's about discussing it and making sure it's fundamentally mutually beneficial.
I love the glass jar. I was married for 18 years he was a SAHD and was the bread winner. There is not a day in my life that I think his job was easier than mine. It worked perfectly for us.
Here’s what we don’t know. How much does op make and spend? If there is a large disparity in their incomes then the higher grossing one should shoulder more of the burden to offset. A couple can’t incur equal debt while one clearly benefits from a higher financial bracket. And it sounds like Op is being asked to pay for the boyfriend and their self. But I do not have enough information. Food costs are split but what about activity costs, gifts, etc? It does sound mildly imbalanced.
I do see where you are coming from. However I disagree that if one out earns the other they should shoulder the brunt of the burden. That's not equal, you risk becoming beholden to them. What would the person shouldering the extra burden get from the other person in exchange? Is the benefit whatever that is of equal value? What if your partner is like let's go to 4 star restaurants all the time or go for road trips or other significantly costly endeavours? What you suggest leads to power imbalances where the one shouldering the majority of the burden can then reasonably make demands on activities and how their resources are utilised with a yet unknown benefit in return. It also reeks of love and affection being transactional which anyone who knows anything about relationships can tell you this leads to resentment, and inevitable relationship ending, quite possibly messy too.
It's better each live within their current means, based on the resources they have available to them. Splitting the relationship expense evenly or discussing/negotiating terms that will work for then that are equally and fair for them is best and most optimal course of action.
But you're right that there are a lot of variables we do not know to really come to a definitive conclusion either way.
Finally, I mean nothing of what I have said with any disrespect.
You are wanting equality when it should be equity. The relationship is already unbalanced. And you are saying it’s too transactional but will not acknowledge that the poorer partner may be shouldering more of the financial burden. And you bring up scenarios that may not happen. They both can still mutually pick where they go on their dates. Depending on who is paying. An imbalanced budget will never be balanced through inequitable means.
I respect your opinion but I likewise respectfully disagree.
Equality in a relationship is most optimal way to go. if the poorer partner is instead shouldering too much financial burden then the couple need to discuss what the poorer partner can realistically do with the available resources at their disposal. Draw up a budget together perhaps and then spilt those expenses equally. Otherwise you have one partner paying more for less.
Again, I say all this with utmost respect to you, your values and beliefs. But I think we may have to agree to disagree.
>I see your point, but would public transportation cost as much as gas?
I'll only be speaking on where I am from, but a single ride bus fare is 1 USD.
A 30 minute drive for me would cost me...about 4 USD.
He wouldn't give her money, because she's not incurring most of the cost. He is, and I do think contributing to that is completely reasonable because he's picking her up, taking her to and from the date and presumably dropping her off.
This isn't just the cost of him getting there, in which case I'd say it would be his to bear.
I think if this is how they do it he should pay for half of her public transportation when she uses that too. If he lives at home for free, doesn’t pay for the whole date (sometimes), has her take public transportation sometimes, plus is asking for gas money he is not the person for her.
The fact that he lives home for free is irrelevant. He could be paying off some debts or saving up for a deposit to buy a house on his own or a business or further study or whatever. How much he saves and what he does with it is his business alone until OP decides to take their relationship to the next level (like until they start cohabitating)
Fine take out the part where he live rent and bill free as OP said in her post. He still is choosing to pick her up and drive his car and he still isn’t paying for her public transportation. It’s rude that she has to pay for half of everything he would spend money on but he doesn’t pay for half of everything she spends money on.
I see your point, but would public transportation cost as much as gas?
I get the sense that the amount is what is tripping most people up. I think 50 bucks to cover like several trips isn't unreasonable. But others have suggested instead of gas money perhaps they have a discussion about spiltting the costs in a different way so it's fair and equitable all things considered. That would make sense.
Those within the greater thread saying he's out of line for asking to spilt bills or share the costs of the relationship equally are the reason why the dating scene is so screwed. Traditionalism mindset without assuming your half of that arrangement which no woman that has any interest of being equal to their partner would ever want.
I'm sure guys do this too but from my perspective based on conversations with women in my life and what I read and observe in the world. A lot of women seem to have this mindset that they should be treated like their mothers and/or grandmothers, given a princess treatment and all these traditional dating rituals without assuming their responsibility or part of that exchange. It's really smells of "I want all the good stuff that benefits me but I don't want any of the responsibilities or detrimits" it's a I want to have my cake and eat it too. Men assuming all the responsibility, risk and salient burden with very low return on investment. It's a deal no man in his right mind would ever take regardless of the woman or man they are interested.
Instead, we need to establish new norms where women and men want mutually respectful, loving, caring and fulfilling relationships which means spiltting the associated responsibilities, risks and burden right down the middle. Anything less is just doomed to fail.
The issue for me is the pettiness of it all. I'm all for sharing expenses, but there are few things as incredibly unattractive as someone counting cents with partners and family. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend cares very much about you, if he is this stingy about your time together.
You take public transportation; is he about to pay for half of that as well? Are you going to be installing a taximeter, to ensure that he doesn't go on personal trips for your gas money? Will he reimburse you for the miles not driven?
I can't be in a relationship with someone like that -- I can't be in a friendship with someone like that, ngl. In my world, my friends and I g out of our way to help each other out. Sometimes I'm buying, sometimes they are. As long as no-one carries way more than others, we wouldn't dream of counting cents and nickels. To do so with someone I was in love with.... I can't even imagine treating him or her like that.
Yes this is the issue I have with it! Relationships absolutely need to be equitable, yes, but there is a point where you go from splitting bills to nickle and diming your partner. Splitting date costs makes sense, a meal might be $10-25 per person, a movie ticket is $15, zoo/museum pass is $25, that all makes sense. But when you're only 30 minutes apart? Gas costs should be basically negligble, he might be spending $30 a month at most in gas money to visit each other. If my boyfriend started nickle and diming me over $15 of gas a month, then either his finances are incredibly fucked up or his morals are.
Totally agree, it's so petty. My last partner also was 30 minute drive, I drive to him, he made dinner, I took wine, he also bought wine. When we went out we never split, he paid the babysitter I paid the taxi. Didn't matter really how much either of us was earning as generally, you earn enough to pay the bills. Don't be stingy in a relationship it's so harmful, be as generous as you can be (both parties please).
Thank you for bringing sanity to the table! The sheer, great volume of words written on this site from men worried to death they'd drop two dollars more than their date. Exhausting! I don't hang around other guys like this and have never asked a woman to contribute on a date. They've cooked for me, made things for me, etc. But never has it crossed my mind to ask a woman for gas money.
I never ask for gas money unless it’s a long road trip that will require a full tank or if it’s a daily carpool situation. It’s just cheap and petty when each to/from trip is under a gallon (under $10 in US). If he’s got a $50k job and no mortgage/minimal rent and still needs reimbursement for gas…not a good sign🫤
Yep, my thoughts exactly. I don't know if he's taking advantage of her, if he's bad with money, or just very stupid, but either way, the minute I'm asked for gas money for local travel, I'm ending that relationship.
I personally wouldn’t give a man who is courting me money. This will open the floodgates and he’ll feel more comfortable asking you for more money. 30 minutes is hardly far and if he really cared about you he’d drive there happily with no complaints.. he’d even bring you flowers or a snack.
This seems like a test to see how he can use you.
Ultimately, theres no right or wrong for this. You have to choose who you want to be with and what behaviors you enjoy.
I would not be with a man who is nickel and dimeing everything. The men in my life set the tone. And none of them ever ask me for gas money and they also pay for my food and drink when in my company. A man I'm dating cant fall beneath that.
But thats me and everyone has different needs.
My personal belief is my man should be generous.
And if youre gonna pay for something, pay. Either I get dinner, or you. But splitting everything is the opposite of romance, to me.
Lol omggggg. Aren’t we tired of this conversation already? Do you ask him to pay or split the cost of public transportation? Some things are just the costs of being in a relationship. Is this really someone you want to end up with? When you start nitpicking over every cost to make it “fair,” really look at why you’re together because if you were single, NONE of it would be an additional expense.
if he lives at home with no bills, he should not ask you for gas money. Also, you should not split the bill when you go out. Find a man who will appreciate you. Dump him!
I dated someone like OP’s boyfriend. Didn’t take long for it to turn into me paying for literally everything, and then I got cheated on for not being able to “fund his lifestyle”. Will never do that shit again.
stay with him and see how it goes from you paying for gas to paying for his phone bill so he can talk to you😂 if you don’t mind sponsoring a grown man stay. if not leave.
I have kind of the opposite thing going on will detail it for context of what other guys are doing... I make a bit over 100k now but have only been working and out of school for a year so im trying to buy stuff like my car, a car for my brother, and a house soon... my boyfriend part time works as a bouncer and is full time in school so he doesn't have very much income.. but he is always trying to pay for everything and we also live about 30min apart both between fort lauderdale and miami.... he has a car but we usually take my car because it's a super cool one and he will literally look at the dash and if there is low gas at all he wants to go to a gas station and he will always try to run in to the cashier or use the credit car spot on the pump before I can lol
I don't want him to do this but I appreciate the willingness, but I really like being self-sufficient and I worked hard to get here to be able to afford things so I kind of openly communicated that with him and told him he's obviously going to be making a good income soon but not on that part of the path yet so let me buy us some stuff! It def still bothers him when I do though.
I guess if I were op and this guy just demanded this in like a score keeping way I'd be not want to be with him.. but if he is saying "I'm struggling to be able to make this drive financially can you please help" I'd do that.... also.. if I were op if this does get cut off I'd probably always offer my driving friends or future bfs a reasonable but small amount of gas money... such as after the night "can I throw in 5 for gas" and my bet would be many will say don't worry about it but it's nice to offer and it's nice to be self sufficient
My partner lives an hour away from me, and I drive down to see him and spend a night or two once a week.
I could make the argument that he should come to see me to make it "equal." Or that he should pay for my gas because he makes twice what I make. Gas is expensive, plus driving an hour each way has an impact on me physically and mentally (especially after working all week).
But he has a very demanding job that recently has him working 6 days a week, an 8-year-old son that he has half of the week, and I live with two roommates and essentially have one room for us to hang out in (he owns his home).
However, my values are that I want to be financially responsible for myself and my choices. The only time I've ever asked him for gas money was when I couldn't have driven down because I had none to spare. He was fine with giving me money those times because we both value quality time, and the alternative would be that we didn't see each other. I tend to bring my own groceries when I visit because I don't like to assume or imply that he should feed me. That being said, he treats when we eat out, and he has bought me some very special, obviously expensive gifts. I buy him stuff more often, but it's because I know one of his love languages is gift giving, and my gifts tend to cost $5-$20 versus hundreds.
His values are to be cautious about spending money because he has to have savings in case of emergencies (roof leak, child healthcare, car stuff, etc.). He can't not have a car. He can't not have toiletries or food for his kid. The man eats vegetables out of a can and chicken nuggets and ramen noodles for dinner versus eating out every day because eating out every day costs a ton of money. He loves to collect shoes, but he still spends a lot of time looking for quality, USED pairs and buying them for less than brand new. The most money he spends is on toys, particularly LEGO sets, for his kid...but the LEGO is something they love to do together.
I poke fun at him about the chicken nuggets and shoes, but I ultimately respect him because at the end of the day, he's making good financial decisions. I'm working towards that, and he's a great example of how to make more money and keep it while investing in what's most important to him. His son gets to be a kid enjoying what he's into at any given time. If anything, I'm a little jealous that I didn't have that when I was younger. I grew up poor, and my parents were awful examples of how to be financially responsible or savvy.
Your partner might be similar. Maybe assume the best? For all you know, he is investing in and saving for moving out of his parents' house and in with you. Maybe he's the "provider" type. Have you guys talked about this? You didn't mention how long you've been dating, but if you have intentions of being with him long-term, discussions about money are important to have anyway. Maybe explore both of your perspectives on it and see if you're compatible. The relationship isn't going to work if you realize you can't compromise on how to pay for bills, date night, or a shared financial future without one of you feeling resentful.
Good luck!
Hey there, imma not catch up with all the comments just in case this was asked/answered already. Although, how long have you guys been dating? What are the ages? Cause if he pays zero bills at his parents house, you need to find a better man in all honesty. If he can’t even respect his parents with some bills having a 50K job is for sure not a lot but his parents are probably working also, so you saying “it’s not much” it’s for show too much for him alone if he ain’t paying bills at his parents house. Does he do other stuff at least? Like food for himself, does he at least help clean? Or paying a small portion for room on board? Throwing that all aside you guys splitting bills? That either tells me it’s not a very committed relationship, and one of you guys ain’t in it for the long haul if it’s running like that already or have been running for a while.
So, there’s a lot off elements missing here that would help me give a good answer id say. Although, with the information you have given us? I’d say not really as if he lives with his parents and paying zero bills, zero rent? He’s probably using their car, an needs to refill their gas so he doesn’t lose out on his privileges of the car he is using 😂😂
Now my biased answer is: LEAVE HIM NOW! Unless yall are just starting this relationship? Yall shouldn’t be splitting the bills an he should be paying for it all. Unless you’ve been dating two years an then just now starting to split bills recently? Seek therapeutic help to save this relationship if you love him as there can be some internal fighting going on, or he has someone on the side and just keeping you for a safety net.
So you pay to see him, whether its giving him gas money or paying for public transportation. And he lives with his mother. I'm guessing if he makes $50k, he's probably early 30's. That is what, an hour round trip, probably 2 gallons of gas round trip, $7-8 here for premium (that is for 2 gallons total).I hate to suggest a couple going different directions over $8 a week but idk, seems like he should be able to afford it.
Be equally contributing financially could be an important value for Feminists.
That’s the only explanation I could come up with.
Girls I know who got sucked into this religion aren’t always happy. And they don’t know why. That’s the sad part.
I would need a handful of extra details, but unless your boyfriend is driving a real piece of shit junker, there's no way he's spending more than $3-4 in gas each way, so call it $6-8 roundtrip. If you're visiting weekly, that would be roughly $24-$30 total. There's no reason he shouldn't just be covering this cost, in my opinion.
So, I have some questions for you, then. Can you tell me how much a gallon of gas is near you, and how many miles the drive is? And then how much is he asking for gas?
Every relationship is different. If you love him and he wants you to contribute, then help him. If you don’t want to help, then this can be the small wedge that leads to the end of your relationship.
Girl.
He is using you. You are not his dream girl, so that's why he treats you badly.
If you were his dream girl, he wouldn't even dare to ask you for money. Not dare to ask you to pay on dates. Obvi, you are a kind person, so you still offer, but every single time, he should say no.
He is treating you as fwb.
Please, girl. No. You have a good heart. A kind heart. Look how you are asking us if it's bad he is asking for money. You are willing to challenge yourself (for growth) if it's wrong to question him.
No. Girl. You can feel it. It's wrong. And you don't like it. It's okay to end this relationship as there will be someone else out there who will see the kind person you are. Let go of this guy. It will hurt, but this relationship is stopping you from finding your person.
I truly wish you the best, and remember, don't let a dusty control your world.
His request is terrible. He chose to be in a relationship w/you I’m presuming on the understanding that you don’t drive, which means he knew that he would be doing a good bulk of the traveling. & then requesting gas money from his girlfriend who lives 30 minutes away?
I couldn’t fathom requesting gas money, especially in this scenario.
Damn girl, you’re better than me. I couldn’t put up with a penny pincher. He shouldn’t be dating if he can’t even comfortably afford gas money to hang out with his GF.
Please be careful OP, and reconsider your relationship with this person.
Of course, money is not a requirement for building a genuine connection with someone. But, you do not need to be in a relationship with someone just because you have a genuine connection with them. Relationships require more than a genuine connection, they require investment. The man’s version of investment is quantifiable (money/provision) and the woman’s is qualitative (emotional connection/support). This is something all men know but would never admit.
If you continue down this path with your partner, he will continue to use you.
Ignore that comment. Money isn’t a requirement for building genuine connection, not being able to foot the gas bill shouldn’t stop you seeing someone you like, only degenerates think that.
I don't think it's an issue of whether he can foot the bill in this scenario, though, unless he's extremely financially irresponsible. 50k with no rent? The $30 TOTAL a month he's spending on gas to see her shouldn't even be a passing thought in his head.
I agree and personally won’t ask for gas money myself. I find it a bit much. I was replying to the comment above in isolation. A guy not being able to afford gas shouldn’t stop him from dating.
I agree with you, but she mentions her boyfriend has a full time job, lives with his parents and has no bills. How would he not be able to foot the gas bill?
My question for you: do you want to spend time with him or would you be cool skipping hanging out each week? You don't currently have transportation and so he's having to do all of the legwork (which is a choice).
So either you get transportation so you're more even, you're ok paying him some gas money knowing it's weird he's nickel and diming you on something he should also want to be doing... or you realize you're not compatible and move on. Which option feels right for you?
If you're splitting cost of going out 50/50and also paying for his gas and putting effort into traveling via public transit this might just be a FWB situation. Maybe he can take public transportation to visit you if driving a car is too pricey for him? Does he pay towards your bus/transit fare?
30 minutes away isn’t even far. If you lived 1 or 1.5h away I could see him wanting gas money but 30 minutes is nothing.
However, it might be good for you to offer to pay for meals or dates more often. This would “balance” it out now and hopefully make up for his effort in always driving you.
No, it's not okay for your bf to use you like his very own piggy bank. It's entitled and parasitic.
Stop giving him gas money. Do not lend or gift him any money at all.
Idk how much gas is for you but I feel like unless he’s driving a serious gas guzzler, 30 minutes shouldn’t be a big deal and personally I think it makes him look cheap. Especially since you also take public transportation to see him and you only see each other once a week. How much would you even be giving him? That being said, it’s really up to you. Is it okay? Yeah, he can ask, there’s no set guideline. It just depends how you feel about it, but since you felt you needed to post it here, I think you already know how you feel but you needed some validation to not feel like a bad person about it.
He asks for gas money for his own car that he's driving when he makes plenty of money and isn't even paying rent? Does he pay for half of your public transportation to go see him? He's cheap and he's not gonna change. If you're fine with that, that's on you.
The expression is, you fly (drive) I’ll buy. So if giving him gas money is uncomfortable, maybe offer to pay the whole date every so often to even it up. Might feel less tit for tat that way.
I can't with the splitting money for gas. Maybe it's because I drive a car that averages the high 30s so it doesn't affect me much but I never gas any of my friends for gas money.
Aren’t you worth some effort or expense? The money for gas seems like a small amount for him to spend to be with someone he cares about. Why is it a big deal for him. Maybe he will dump you when he finds a new girlfriend who lives next-door. All the more cost-effective for him to get sex when he wants it. Is he only in the relationship for sex or is he just cheap?
The fact that he’s asking you for money when you already split everything else and the fact that he lives with his parents and lives there rent free are possible red flags.
Don’t you want to be with somebody that might make a good life partner. Look, Relationships are riskier for women and you have a biological clock – just be aware of what you’re doing and what you want.
Idk I think it’s a bit much to ask kind of. Gas is expensive, but even in my 10 mpg pickup a 30 minute drive only costs me about $10 maximum, depending if it’s city or not, 30 minutes on the highway would be about $13. Back and forth from the date total maybe that would cost me $30-ish. I’m gonna assume his vehicle has a substantially better mileage than mine as mine is a piece of shit project truck from the 80s. But if I had no expenses I wouldn’t really mind spending $30 a week to see my girlfriend. Again im gonna assume he’s not an idiot like me and drives something much better on gas and isn’t putting a ton of money into the car every month. Something that gets more than 20 mpg in the city really shouldn’t be costing him more than $20 per date. You’ve got no other expenses, that’s absolutely nothing. I’m all for splitting bills and shit too but if I was in his position with that kind of money I’d likely be covering the cost of everything else as well.
OP, given he is fully employed and does not pay rent, DO NOT PAY HIS GAS. If it’s that big of an issue he can find another girl that’s closer. That is completely ridiculous!
I wouldn’t put up with that, not for a second. I also wouldn’t be down to split the bill either. “Old fashioned” mindset or whatever but I think the man should be the provider. You’re telling me he gets to enjoy your company, enter your body, and ASKS YOU FOR GAS MONEY?! Never ever no thank you!
So yes gas is expensive I could see where made here and there he might need some when you guys hangout. But splitting the bill when I go out now that’s crazy especially if you’re his girl idk I think maybe you need to see just how serious this dude is.
When you take the time and go take public transport so you can spend time with him, do you expect him to take an equal amount of time/effort to see you as well? Or do you do it because you want to and because you want to see your boyfriend?
This personally would not work for me. It also sounds like both of your finances are currently not equal, and if they’re not then it sounds like he’s not considerate of it.
In my personal experience, when people are tit for tat, stingy with their money- this translates to things out side of finances as well.
No. This is absolutely not okay. You pay to see him and he pays to see you. You already split the bill. He has no real expenses. If he is whining about gas for outings then he is just selfish. I don't know a single man who would be asking for gas money in this scenario.
And let me be clear, if this was a road trip and you guys are splitting gas that would be one thing. But this is just regular local travel to go to dates.
I'm going to be devils advocate here. Maybe it's not so much the cost involved, maybe it's more about him feeling appreciated for the effort.
Driving an hour return - or two if he drops you back home?? - is a real PITA and draining. It's a big effort on his behalf to maintain the relationship. Maybe this is his (poor) way of communicating that he is not quite feeling valued for his time and effort.
If I were you I'd do something like buy him an ice-cream at the end of the date as a sign of appreciation. Or every few dates shout him his dinner. Specifically paying for his petrol is a bit ugh, gives penny-pinching vibes, but make sure you're doing something to show him that you acknowledge and appreciate the extra effort he has to do when he drives to you every week.
I mean, if someone chauffeured me around 2-3 hours a week I would offer them gas money, whether a friend or a boyfriend. Gas prices keep going up and my friends with cars are all stressed about it.
I guess I've also always been uncomfortable with the whole idea that men need to pay for everything to date me. I'm an adult with a job. I'm thankful every day I grew up in a time and place where I don't need to marry a man to exist in the world, and I'm happy to split costs to keep things fair and equal.
Probably bc he already makes 50K a year, lives at home with his parents, doesn’t pay for bills, doesn’t help to pay when she takes public transport to see him, and they already split the price of a date. I wouldn’t put up with even one of those things, tbh. He’s not courting her. He’s penny pinching. And I’m sorry, no man that actually likes you and wants to spend time with you is this gd cheap.
If he only makes 50k a year and you don't drive I can definitely see why. An hour round trip every single week is a lot of gas, especially if the mileage on his car isn't great. Assuming you aren't struggling with money at the moment, I think this is reasonable. Especially if he's saving up to be able to move out
Because most people don't want to be nickled and dimed within their relationship in the name of "equality." Her share of gas is, at most, $15 a month. If my partner started asking I gave them $15 a month to cover local travel, I'd leave them, because that's could be a sign of a few different red flags. If they couldn't afford it, then they're financially irresponsible. If they can afford it, then I would be suspicious that they're taking advantage of me or don't care enough about the relationship to simply cover the small costs associated with it.
In my view and the way I was raised, I would never take money from a woman as a guy you’re not a man if you’re asking your girl for money your job is to provide for your family, your girl and your kids if you have any and if she wants to work, let her keep that money and do what she wants with it if I go out to dinner with some of my girlf-riends if they do not have a date or a man with them, I will always pay for their food to split a bill or something with a girl is crazy. You are real scumbag for that I would avoid
Thats really respectable, but i don’t mind paying for him. I just wish we didn’t always have to go 50/50. Like if we go out to dinner he’ll ask me to e-transfer him half. Idk it just isn’t very romantic. I would rather take turns paying
Men who want to impress you will pay for dates, they would be afraid to be constantly asking you to split them because they will be afraid of losing you. They will want to court you. If you put up with these nickel and dime clowns sending you venmo for every single date you go on you are going to be really miserable in a relationship with somebody who does not value you.
It’s a man’s job simple it’s always been that way. That’s absolutely insane. I would walk out immediately. Maybe my thing is weird, but I’ll even go to a waiter and have them take care of a girl that’s by herself or something and pay for them. It’s not about money, being a person goes a long ways Too many guys are out for just sex
It's really true, so many men out for sex and then dating apps get filled up with scammers and sex workers (nothing wrong with sex work if it's your choice and what you want to do, but a dating app is not the place for it). And it's creating this really bad dating environment where normal girls feel like they have to pay for half or more of everything just to prove they're not one of the scammers or sex workers and then there's some really scummy guys out there absolutely taking advantage of this. Your thing is not weird, it's called having manners and being a gentleman, and I promise you every fuckboy that reads your comment is going to come out of the woodwork howling because guys like you ruin their scams
Women take advantage of men paying too. It works both ways more often than not lmao. My girlie friends NEVER pay for anything, ever. It's lowk kinda sad.
You are too kind and he sees that 😅 as some comments stated above, I believe is is trying to use you. If he was serious about courting you and investing in you, he wouldn’t dare ask a lady for money.
You split the cost of meals. Why is there a problem with helping pay for gas?
So, he drives to get you and drops you off. The maintenance on a car is not just gas. Its tires, oil, tune-ups, repairs, insurance, wear and tear, depreciation of value, and so many other little things that add up.
Say it is ok as long as he pays for all your expenses when you are the one traveling to see him.
Your boyfriend is getting used to leech on people since he lives with his parents. Now he tries a trick on you and if you say yes to it, you will fall into what in Norway calls the wife trap where the woman pays 50 of all economic expenses but do 100% of children rearing and house rearing.
It’s a potential red flag and a potential green flag. 30 minutes is ambiguous. Distance would be better. I’ll assume 35 miles.
I’ll also assume he’s driving a car that is more fuel efficient than a full fat SUV and say that he spends about $15 of gas every time he goes to see you. Since that’s once a week, then it’s an unreasonable ask and we’re leaning in red flag territory. Especially if he’s asking for more than the equivalent of $30 a month.
The one silver lining is he’s asking for it instead of resenting you for not offering. It’s up to you now to observe him and determine if his leaning into splitting costs so evenly on top of anything else he does differently than you would bothers you.
If so, well, that’s a sign it’s not a death ‘til you part relationship
Do you want to give him gas money? Because it sounds like you just don’t. It’s rough out here for folks and if he’s stretched for cash throw in a couple bucks. If you don’t want to, then tell him that and see if you can fix the schedules or rely on public transport more often
Personally, I happily paid for my boyfriends gas because he was constantly picking me up and driving us everywhere. Now we’re married I don’t pay anything lol but still as a younger couple I had no problem with it
Give him some gas money. It’s not just the gas, is he also the only one putting money towards the car? Insurance, registration, tires, repairs, etc? But it drives you around too.
It would be a nice gesture, cause when you’re the only one driving both people around it adds up real fast. It’ll build up resentment over time if only one person is contributing.
This question is not easy. I think we all give more than taken in some way in a relationship. There is no absolute 50/50 in the world. You can pay him for the gas money if you are really into him and feel comfortable to do so. Maybe you two can sit down and talk about how to split the expense evenly. If it doesn’t work, then it means he’s not for you. It’s all up to you.
I’m in a HCOLA and I spend $50 every week and a half on gas. I have an SUV, Jeep to be exact. What kind of car does he drive? To me, it sounds like he wants some gas money PLUS a nice large tip for picking you up and dropping you off, which is absurd to me.
I have a gas money calculator spreadsheet handy that I use sometimes, since I get rides from people often and like to contribute for gas.
Hard to say what distance "30 minutes away" translates to, but say it's 25 km, and he's driving something like a 2013 Elantra (random car already in my spreadsheet, gets 31 mpg) him driving to yours and back costs $5.70 assuming a gas price of $1.50/litre (Canada gas price, if you're in the US it's probably cheaper). So say he's doing this once a week, it works out to almost $30/month without including where you drive to for dates.
So it's not breaking the bank for him, but it does work out to a noticeable expense. Maybe work out what the cost is with your own numbers, but pitching him 10 or 20 dollars a month might be nice and fair.
Then again, I would probably have just let it go if I were him, as I find nitpicking expenses can be a mood killer in a relationship. On the other hand, it can lead to some harboured resentment if things start to add up for one partner. Just gotta communicate and sympathize like anything else in a relationship.
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If you always split the bill then I guess it's okay for him to ask. However you posing this question kind of indicates that you have at least somewhat of an issue with this, so I would pose this question: are you happy/can you be happy in a relationship where everything little thing is split 50/50? I personally couldn't do it, and I learned I couldn't do it with a partner who wanted to split a $6 popcorn at the movies even though he was an engineer.
my ex wanted to split the cost of condoms on top of everything else we already split/took turns paying for. not sure how i felt about that one
It is insane how much disrespect women are taught to put up with. I'm sure the same guy would have threw an absolute hissy fit at the thought of paying for half of the birth control pills
undoubtedly. i got off birth control because i was on it for 7+ years and figured i’d make my own decision to come off it to see how my body does without it (went on it because i had HORRIBLE cramps and super heavy periods). he wanted to do it raw even after i got off b.c. and i was super iffy about doing so but i wanted to make him happy so i obliged. rookie mistake, i know. he did end up buying a pack of 3 (probably the most expensive kind??) and only ended up using 2. the relationship was already going down the drain prior to that so it was kinda “welp, just more frosting on top” kinda thing. at the time i even searched reddit forums if it was “normal” to split the cost of condoms😅
I wouldn't bother asking Reddit advice about those type of things because there are so many of those gross fuckboys and hateful incels, in the moment they hear of a woman having standards or sticking up for themselves they will start howling about it. I never ever pay for dates. And I do not ask men out. And I block them at the first sign of disrespect, the first red flag I see. And I have had absolute unhinged weirdos who have never met me filling up my inbox throwing hissy fits about it. But the truth is I've seen it over and over again. Men will date a woman they Don't really Care for or care about just because it's easy sex and someone to hang around. They will even marry girls they feel this way about, but the minute they get a chance that their dream girl they throw her away my trash. I don't for a minute think women are perfect creatures who never do anything wrong, but I can say for sure that I have never ever seen a relationship go well when it was the woman who pursued the man, and all of the 50/50 relationships I've seen, the woman has basically taken on all the domestic labor and she pays half the bills for the privilege of doing so. Good for you on breaking up with him, and I'm very glad you didn't get knocked up but someone like that!
yeah i never made a forum post because i figured i’d get mixed answers. i did my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because i was his first “actual” relationship but at the end of the day we were incompatible and he thought we could work through everything and everything. longevity wise yeah that’s great for a relationship but you can’t force compatibility on the “simpler” things imo. we were constantly on different pages. it was exhausting.
You know there's a very good book if you haven't read it yet, it's called: [Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n14/mode/1up) by Lundy Bancroft. If you read it it will help you recognize the difference between an abusive relationship versus an incompatible one. Honestly I feel like everyone should read this book before they start dating. The link takes you to a free online copy
i haven’t heard of it! thank you so much for the recommendation! i went to my mom for advice (we have healthy open communication with each other) on some things he would do/say in response to something i did or said (something i didn’t perceive as it being interpreted negatively nor intend for it to be) because i honestly felt like a piece of shit girlfriend for how he took things a lot of the time. we would discuss these situations and he’d word things completely differently than what i initially said. i started to think maybe i DID say that.. tldr my mom always told me he displayed narcissistic behaviors. i just felt as if she had a bias because her ex husband was a narcissist.
Ohhhhhh that makes sense, if you witnessed your mother, who you have a close relationship with and is a role model to you, if you witness her having a narcissistic partner, so consciously people model after the behavior they see and start to accept it. Also if he was not as bad as your mom's partner you might have felt like your bf wasn't bad enough to call it abuse. Lots of things at play here but could have added to the situation.
He used to be some sort of female dating advice group on Reddit, and it did have some good advice about vetting potential partners, about having high standards things like that. But they also seem very angry and resentful towards men in general and outright hateful towards trans people, so I couldn't really recommend them. But I will say that you know it's better to be alone than somebody who takes you for granted, and that the 50/50 in relationships is never going to get you into a relationship where you are involved and appreciated. In the courtship phase, any guy who cared about impressing you would never be asking for money. And then once you are in a relationship, women end up doing all.ost all the domestic, mental,and emotional labour. If he doesn't feel protective and want to provide for you, it's a bad sign (and I am not by any stretch of the imagination saying that you shouldn't work, I'm just saying that the the percentage of bills you pay should reflect your labour. If you are the only reason be who cooks and cleans then he should be the only one who pays). A lot of women are realizing that they are happier alone than In Bad relationships. Either way I hope you find happiness and peace In whatever way possible!
You could say the same for men. It's not disrespect to split. These days men are seen as retirement plans, not partners/equals. Why is she looking at his pay & lifestyle? Bc she thinks she is entitled to it. She will not say this, but we can all read between the lines. A good man will give every last dollar to a woman that's worth it. How do we know she is? We don't, and can't in a no fault divorce culture. The only way to remove the hidden possibility of bring a deceptive womans' retirement plan is to see if she cares about the control/$? Or you? Years don't always tell, this. If you do marry, never do it in the US
I'd give him a few condom variety packs so he could get a head start on his next relationship & wish him well.
LOL
A $6 popcorn???? No this cant be real LOL
You mean he was a fake engine?
lol
I mean, it depends. If he is always picking you up and taking you to places and you are benefiting from his car and the usage of it. A little money for gas from time to time is not a tall ask whatsoever. The alternative is he stops picking you up which I don't think is a good option. Spilting bills is standard these days assuming you want a relationship were you are both equal. I don't know how much "gas" is as I'm in Australia and we have petrol. But given the average petrol prices if I was driving 30 minutes one way and all the other driving involved with getting us around and then going back to my place I would be asking for petrol money as well not everytime, but certainly occasionally. I don't think it's unreasonable necessarily. if he was asking every time and gas prices aren't that much and he has an efficient car I'd be questioning that. I'd talk to your bf and maybe negotiate terms like every 2nd ir 3rd time. if it bothers you then definatly say so, but I would be prepared for confrontation, hopefully respectable confrontation, but confrontation none the less.
Gas and petrol are the same thing. I looked it up, the typical gas prices in Australia would be most comparable to gas prices in HCOL places in the US, like California. However, you have higher octane options, which accounts for some of the difference.
I know they are the same substance but not being American, costs may differ either not at all, slightly or significantly. All these are factors to take into account (the cost of fuel, how much is used to do his relationship duties etc.) to then come up with a true essence of financial cost. If 50 bucks truly exceeds cost, then that is unreasonable. However, others suggested that they discuss relationship costs and spilt it up according to their specific needs and available resources and distribute these evenly between the two of them. This is probably the best solution offered so far.
It depends what part of the country they're in, but if they're basically anywhere but one of the 5 largest cities in the US, gas would probably be comparable to mine. A 30 minute drive in my very average mpg car would cost me around $3 in gas. If they're seeing each other weekly, that means he'd be spending in total $25-30 in gas monthly to see her, so her half would generously be maybe $15. Yes, relationships need to be equitable, but at some point it crosses the line from splitting costs to nickle and diming your partner, and at his salary, asking for gas money for a weekly visit is crossing that line imo.
When I first read your comment, I thought for sure the math was wrong and it would be more. After running the numbers I totally agree. If you make 50k and live at home even in a high cost of the living area that’s not enough to warrant asking for gas money.
Yeah haha I road trip a few times a year, used to be in a long distance relationship where I regularly drove 6 hours for visits, and regularly visit friends 1 hour away. I've become accutely aware of gas expenditures and can pretty accurately estimate costs off the top of my head, so I'm glad I have external confirmation of that. The only way I can think of that his gas would be significantly more expensive is if he drives some piece of shit that gets 15 mpg, but even then I think that would fall under personal problem, someone else shouldn't have to pay because you drive a garbage can.
thank you for the context. The 50 bucks regularly is ridiculous and an unreasonable request. Maybe 20 bucks once a month would be better, but I think the best suggestion I've seen so far is the idea of perhaps she picks up something small expense, like snacks for a movie night something like that. I wonder if OP has a subscription service they utilise that she pays for? If so, this would offset the fuel cost based on the numbers you provided.
Sharing a subscription service would be a decent way to go about it. However, I make roughly the same as the bf, plus have rent, and I would never dream of asking for gas money for local travel. I don't know if he's taking advantage of her, in dire financial straits, or he just isn't willing to eat $15-20 in gas costs to see his girlfriend he allegedly cares for, but either way, I find it concerning.
Right
Do you refer to them as gas stations down there or are they 'petrol locations'?
neither almost all Australians refer to them as servos short for service station. Some do refer them to specific oil brands shell, mobile, BP etc and other may say OTR which stands for On the Run which is a conglomerate that sprang up in Austrlaia in the early 2010's and have since cornered the market on all service stations. More than 90% of all places to get fuel in Austrlia is an On the Run aka otr. but yea essentially its servo almost always or otr
I’ve never heard of otr, or seen one either. In Qld.
Really? maybe it's an SA, VIC and NSW thing?
No idea. But defs not Australia wide.
I agree with this narrative. When my seizures were a little out of control. My boyfriend would drive me places and never asked. However, there were times where I bought food and/or gave him my card so he can pay for it 🥹 now we are a 50/50 couple. 💪
Dang I must be way off. My first thought was that he's probably spending a lot of his money on drugs or gambling. But what doni know. I don't know these individuals personally
His asking for gas money implies that his visiting only benefits you, as if he’s doing you a favor.
NO! This clown doesn't even care enough about you to treat you on a date, and he still lives with Mommy and daddy. I promise you if you move in with him you will be his new mommy doing all of the chores and paying 50 percent or more of the bills for the privilege. Go find an actual grown up to date
How in *the hell* does he make $50k/yr, not pay bills, and still need to ask you for gas money?? Your bf needs to reassess his finances.
No-one in this thread has any empathy for your boyfriend and I think that's ridiculous. Petrol is a real cost, and if you don't drive and he's mainly driving to and from to pick you up, it's a real cost that you two are incurring as a couple but he's solely paying for. It's not about being a man or any other shit. It's about coming to the relationship equally, treating each other with respect and working together. Give him some money OP, or suggest that you pay for XYZ more often instead -- whatever works for you. And this is a great time to bring up splitting the costs in a more romantic way too!
Reddit is full of delusional men and women.....This thread is plagued by irrational women who don't realize they are a problem and really think they had no wrongs in their past relationships. Always jumping towards leave him and hes piece of shit even when the woman says she stabbed him or fucked his brother for christ sake it can honestly be some random dumb shit asked and vice versa dudes doing the same. Relationships are a partnership, and compromising isn't a spooky word like a lot of the jackasses in here think it is. Depending on which sex asks the question, there's always gonna be the man haters and woman haters. The person who asked the question wants what they believe to be the right answer, so they ask to get a grip of what others say... then explode at the person who thinks they are wrong.
It depends on mpg, gas prices, and distance, but a 30 minute drive would cost me about $3, at most $4. They see each other once a week. So dude is asking for reimbursement for what amounts to, and being extremely generous here, $15-20 a month.
If petrol is a big issue for him he needs a girlfriend closer and more convenient for himself. That's a shame he's ask his girl for gas money. Bottom line!
This is an exceptionally childish view on it. If he is paying for majority of things, doing most of the travelling it's not a big ask for her to contribute to their dates hy way of petrol cost. Why must men incur all the cost of dating someone. Some women have no qualms about asking their man for money for their hair, nails etc so what is the issue here?
They split the bill when they go out, and she said she takes public transport sometimes too . So no, he’s not taking all the costs of dating.
There's no empathy because he has a full time job and no bills. OP: How old is your bf? Are you also working full time? Do you have your own apartment or living with family? Personally, I fine with 50/50 to an extent, but I'll be damned before I support a man who has no bills 🤷🏽♀️ he knew what he was getting into living a distance from you and if it was going to be a situation where he needed financial help, he should have set that tone from day 1.
Who is asking for her to support him? Helping to pay your own way in fuel is not supporting someone
Providing financial relief is supporting someone.
Not when it's for you
Not if it's for you. He's asking her to take up her own transportation costs is all
She's not supporting him, just helping cover for their costs. Where's the problem in that, and why is it that "he knew what he was getting into living a distance from you" instead of "there's a large distance between you two, so you should both make an effort to travel to each other" (or pay some of the cost for the only partner who drives to do so)?
She does pay some of the cost by using public transportation so he's not using gas. Instead of asking for cash, he could suggest she take the bus or make an agreement to alternate from now on. One visit he drives, the next she takes the bus.
He has a job. He can pay for his own gas
She pays for her half of the date and he isn’t giving her money when she takes public transportation to see him.
I see your point, but would public transportation cost as much as gas? I get the sense that the amount is what is tripping most people up. I think 50 bucks to cover like several trips isn't unreasonable. But others have suggested instead of gas money perhaps they have a discussion about spiltting the costs in a different way so it's fair and equitable all things considered. That would make sense. Those within the greater thread saying he's out of line for asking to spilt bills or share the costs of the relationship equally are the reason why the dating scene is so screwed. Traditionalism mindset without assuming your half of that arrangement which no woman that has any interest of being equal to their partner would ever want. I'm sure guys do this too but from my perspective based on conversations with women in my life and what I read and observe in the world. A lot of women seem to have this mindset that they should be treated like their mothers and/or grandmothers, given a princess treatment and all these traditional dating rituals without assuming their responsibility or part of that exchange. It's really smells of "I want all the good stuff that benefits me but I don't want any of the responsibilities or detrimits" it's a I want to have my cake and eat it too. Men assuming all the responsibility, risk and salient burden with very low return on investment. It's a deal no man in his right mind would ever take regardless of the woman or man they are interested. Instead, we need to establish new norms where women and men want mutually respectful, loving, caring and fulfilling relationships which means spiltting the associated responsibilities, risks and burden right down the middle. Anything less is just doomed to fail.
I’m all for equal treatment. I think you pay today I’ll pay tomorrow is a better arrangement in my mind though. As long as my day to pay isn’t always four star and yours sub sandwich’s.
Yeah that arrangement rocks! I mean whatever works for the couple at the end of the day is the best solution right? Yeah absolutely I think case by case basis is an element here for sure. I think if I was in that situation you mentioned it would be a conversation, like I noticed there seems to be a disproportionate arrangement within our arrangement. Perhaps when you're doing big ticket items like a 4 star restaurant it is a matter of splitting or if you get thr 4 star restaurant I get the next 2 or 3 non restaurant days. Or one gets meals the other gets drinks and/or the cab/transport back to home to off set the potential imbalance. in my last relationship we had a glass jar we put loose change and other little bits of money aside. If we wanted to do something fancy together, we used the "jar of fancy dates" money as we called it. It's about discussing it and making sure it's fundamentally mutually beneficial.
I love the glass jar. I was married for 18 years he was a SAHD and was the bread winner. There is not a day in my life that I think his job was easier than mine. It worked perfectly for us.
Here’s what we don’t know. How much does op make and spend? If there is a large disparity in their incomes then the higher grossing one should shoulder more of the burden to offset. A couple can’t incur equal debt while one clearly benefits from a higher financial bracket. And it sounds like Op is being asked to pay for the boyfriend and their self. But I do not have enough information. Food costs are split but what about activity costs, gifts, etc? It does sound mildly imbalanced.
I do see where you are coming from. However I disagree that if one out earns the other they should shoulder the brunt of the burden. That's not equal, you risk becoming beholden to them. What would the person shouldering the extra burden get from the other person in exchange? Is the benefit whatever that is of equal value? What if your partner is like let's go to 4 star restaurants all the time or go for road trips or other significantly costly endeavours? What you suggest leads to power imbalances where the one shouldering the majority of the burden can then reasonably make demands on activities and how their resources are utilised with a yet unknown benefit in return. It also reeks of love and affection being transactional which anyone who knows anything about relationships can tell you this leads to resentment, and inevitable relationship ending, quite possibly messy too. It's better each live within their current means, based on the resources they have available to them. Splitting the relationship expense evenly or discussing/negotiating terms that will work for then that are equally and fair for them is best and most optimal course of action. But you're right that there are a lot of variables we do not know to really come to a definitive conclusion either way. Finally, I mean nothing of what I have said with any disrespect.
You are wanting equality when it should be equity. The relationship is already unbalanced. And you are saying it’s too transactional but will not acknowledge that the poorer partner may be shouldering more of the financial burden. And you bring up scenarios that may not happen. They both can still mutually pick where they go on their dates. Depending on who is paying. An imbalanced budget will never be balanced through inequitable means.
I respect your opinion but I likewise respectfully disagree. Equality in a relationship is most optimal way to go. if the poorer partner is instead shouldering too much financial burden then the couple need to discuss what the poorer partner can realistically do with the available resources at their disposal. Draw up a budget together perhaps and then spilt those expenses equally. Otherwise you have one partner paying more for less. Again, I say all this with utmost respect to you, your values and beliefs. But I think we may have to agree to disagree.
Agreed. Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for yours as well! The equity idea is certainly interesting one. Something for me to ponder on.
>I see your point, but would public transportation cost as much as gas? I'll only be speaking on where I am from, but a single ride bus fare is 1 USD. A 30 minute drive for me would cost me...about 4 USD.
He wouldn't give her money, because she's not incurring most of the cost. He is, and I do think contributing to that is completely reasonable because he's picking her up, taking her to and from the date and presumably dropping her off. This isn't just the cost of him getting there, in which case I'd say it would be his to bear.
I think if this is how they do it he should pay for half of her public transportation when she uses that too. If he lives at home for free, doesn’t pay for the whole date (sometimes), has her take public transportation sometimes, plus is asking for gas money he is not the person for her.
The fact that he lives home for free is irrelevant. He could be paying off some debts or saving up for a deposit to buy a house on his own or a business or further study or whatever. How much he saves and what he does with it is his business alone until OP decides to take their relationship to the next level (like until they start cohabitating)
Fine take out the part where he live rent and bill free as OP said in her post. He still is choosing to pick her up and drive his car and he still isn’t paying for her public transportation. It’s rude that she has to pay for half of everything he would spend money on but he doesn’t pay for half of everything she spends money on.
I see your point, but would public transportation cost as much as gas? I get the sense that the amount is what is tripping most people up. I think 50 bucks to cover like several trips isn't unreasonable. But others have suggested instead of gas money perhaps they have a discussion about spiltting the costs in a different way so it's fair and equitable all things considered. That would make sense. Those within the greater thread saying he's out of line for asking to spilt bills or share the costs of the relationship equally are the reason why the dating scene is so screwed. Traditionalism mindset without assuming your half of that arrangement which no woman that has any interest of being equal to their partner would ever want. I'm sure guys do this too but from my perspective based on conversations with women in my life and what I read and observe in the world. A lot of women seem to have this mindset that they should be treated like their mothers and/or grandmothers, given a princess treatment and all these traditional dating rituals without assuming their responsibility or part of that exchange. It's really smells of "I want all the good stuff that benefits me but I don't want any of the responsibilities or detrimits" it's a I want to have my cake and eat it too. Men assuming all the responsibility, risk and salient burden with very low return on investment. It's a deal no man in his right mind would ever take regardless of the woman or man they are interested. Instead, we need to establish new norms where women and men want mutually respectful, loving, caring and fulfilling relationships which means spiltting the associated responsibilities, risks and burden right down the middle. Anything less is just doomed to fail.
The issue for me is the pettiness of it all. I'm all for sharing expenses, but there are few things as incredibly unattractive as someone counting cents with partners and family. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend cares very much about you, if he is this stingy about your time together. You take public transportation; is he about to pay for half of that as well? Are you going to be installing a taximeter, to ensure that he doesn't go on personal trips for your gas money? Will he reimburse you for the miles not driven? I can't be in a relationship with someone like that -- I can't be in a friendship with someone like that, ngl. In my world, my friends and I g out of our way to help each other out. Sometimes I'm buying, sometimes they are. As long as no-one carries way more than others, we wouldn't dream of counting cents and nickels. To do so with someone I was in love with.... I can't even imagine treating him or her like that.
Yes this is the issue I have with it! Relationships absolutely need to be equitable, yes, but there is a point where you go from splitting bills to nickle and diming your partner. Splitting date costs makes sense, a meal might be $10-25 per person, a movie ticket is $15, zoo/museum pass is $25, that all makes sense. But when you're only 30 minutes apart? Gas costs should be basically negligble, he might be spending $30 a month at most in gas money to visit each other. If my boyfriend started nickle and diming me over $15 of gas a month, then either his finances are incredibly fucked up or his morals are.
Totally agree, it's so petty. My last partner also was 30 minute drive, I drive to him, he made dinner, I took wine, he also bought wine. When we went out we never split, he paid the babysitter I paid the taxi. Didn't matter really how much either of us was earning as generally, you earn enough to pay the bills. Don't be stingy in a relationship it's so harmful, be as generous as you can be (both parties please).
Thank you for bringing sanity to the table! The sheer, great volume of words written on this site from men worried to death they'd drop two dollars more than their date. Exhausting! I don't hang around other guys like this and have never asked a woman to contribute on a date. They've cooked for me, made things for me, etc. But never has it crossed my mind to ask a woman for gas money.
She should just have her shit together.
You sound like a wonderful person /s.
I never ask for gas money unless it’s a long road trip that will require a full tank or if it’s a daily carpool situation. It’s just cheap and petty when each to/from trip is under a gallon (under $10 in US). If he’s got a $50k job and no mortgage/minimal rent and still needs reimbursement for gas…not a good sign🫤
Yep, my thoughts exactly. I don't know if he's taking advantage of her, if he's bad with money, or just very stupid, but either way, the minute I'm asked for gas money for local travel, I'm ending that relationship.
I personally wouldn’t give a man who is courting me money. This will open the floodgates and he’ll feel more comfortable asking you for more money. 30 minutes is hardly far and if he really cared about you he’d drive there happily with no complaints.. he’d even bring you flowers or a snack. This seems like a test to see how he can use you.
Ultimately, theres no right or wrong for this. You have to choose who you want to be with and what behaviors you enjoy. I would not be with a man who is nickel and dimeing everything. The men in my life set the tone. And none of them ever ask me for gas money and they also pay for my food and drink when in my company. A man I'm dating cant fall beneath that. But thats me and everyone has different needs. My personal belief is my man should be generous. And if youre gonna pay for something, pay. Either I get dinner, or you. But splitting everything is the opposite of romance, to me.
If he chooses to drive his car, he should pay. I don’t think he gets it, cause his parents still support him.
Lol omggggg. Aren’t we tired of this conversation already? Do you ask him to pay or split the cost of public transportation? Some things are just the costs of being in a relationship. Is this really someone you want to end up with? When you start nitpicking over every cost to make it “fair,” really look at why you’re together because if you were single, NONE of it would be an additional expense.
if he lives at home with no bills, he should not ask you for gas money. Also, you should not split the bill when you go out. Find a man who will appreciate you. Dump him!
Splitting bills and giving him gas money….honey I promise there are men with more dignity available..
I dated someone like OP’s boyfriend. Didn’t take long for it to turn into me paying for literally everything, and then I got cheated on for not being able to “fund his lifestyle”. Will never do that shit again.
do your friends as you for gas money when you see them🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔i hope you say no. why is this man doing less than your friends
stay with him and see how it goes from you paying for gas to paying for his phone bill so he can talk to you😂 if you don’t mind sponsoring a grown man stay. if not leave.
I have kind of the opposite thing going on will detail it for context of what other guys are doing... I make a bit over 100k now but have only been working and out of school for a year so im trying to buy stuff like my car, a car for my brother, and a house soon... my boyfriend part time works as a bouncer and is full time in school so he doesn't have very much income.. but he is always trying to pay for everything and we also live about 30min apart both between fort lauderdale and miami.... he has a car but we usually take my car because it's a super cool one and he will literally look at the dash and if there is low gas at all he wants to go to a gas station and he will always try to run in to the cashier or use the credit car spot on the pump before I can lol I don't want him to do this but I appreciate the willingness, but I really like being self-sufficient and I worked hard to get here to be able to afford things so I kind of openly communicated that with him and told him he's obviously going to be making a good income soon but not on that part of the path yet so let me buy us some stuff! It def still bothers him when I do though. I guess if I were op and this guy just demanded this in like a score keeping way I'd be not want to be with him.. but if he is saying "I'm struggling to be able to make this drive financially can you please help" I'd do that.... also.. if I were op if this does get cut off I'd probably always offer my driving friends or future bfs a reasonable but small amount of gas money... such as after the night "can I throw in 5 for gas" and my bet would be many will say don't worry about it but it's nice to offer and it's nice to be self sufficient
My partner lives an hour away from me, and I drive down to see him and spend a night or two once a week. I could make the argument that he should come to see me to make it "equal." Or that he should pay for my gas because he makes twice what I make. Gas is expensive, plus driving an hour each way has an impact on me physically and mentally (especially after working all week). But he has a very demanding job that recently has him working 6 days a week, an 8-year-old son that he has half of the week, and I live with two roommates and essentially have one room for us to hang out in (he owns his home). However, my values are that I want to be financially responsible for myself and my choices. The only time I've ever asked him for gas money was when I couldn't have driven down because I had none to spare. He was fine with giving me money those times because we both value quality time, and the alternative would be that we didn't see each other. I tend to bring my own groceries when I visit because I don't like to assume or imply that he should feed me. That being said, he treats when we eat out, and he has bought me some very special, obviously expensive gifts. I buy him stuff more often, but it's because I know one of his love languages is gift giving, and my gifts tend to cost $5-$20 versus hundreds. His values are to be cautious about spending money because he has to have savings in case of emergencies (roof leak, child healthcare, car stuff, etc.). He can't not have a car. He can't not have toiletries or food for his kid. The man eats vegetables out of a can and chicken nuggets and ramen noodles for dinner versus eating out every day because eating out every day costs a ton of money. He loves to collect shoes, but he still spends a lot of time looking for quality, USED pairs and buying them for less than brand new. The most money he spends is on toys, particularly LEGO sets, for his kid...but the LEGO is something they love to do together. I poke fun at him about the chicken nuggets and shoes, but I ultimately respect him because at the end of the day, he's making good financial decisions. I'm working towards that, and he's a great example of how to make more money and keep it while investing in what's most important to him. His son gets to be a kid enjoying what he's into at any given time. If anything, I'm a little jealous that I didn't have that when I was younger. I grew up poor, and my parents were awful examples of how to be financially responsible or savvy. Your partner might be similar. Maybe assume the best? For all you know, he is investing in and saving for moving out of his parents' house and in with you. Maybe he's the "provider" type. Have you guys talked about this? You didn't mention how long you've been dating, but if you have intentions of being with him long-term, discussions about money are important to have anyway. Maybe explore both of your perspectives on it and see if you're compatible. The relationship isn't going to work if you realize you can't compromise on how to pay for bills, date night, or a shared financial future without one of you feeling resentful. Good luck!
Hey there, imma not catch up with all the comments just in case this was asked/answered already. Although, how long have you guys been dating? What are the ages? Cause if he pays zero bills at his parents house, you need to find a better man in all honesty. If he can’t even respect his parents with some bills having a 50K job is for sure not a lot but his parents are probably working also, so you saying “it’s not much” it’s for show too much for him alone if he ain’t paying bills at his parents house. Does he do other stuff at least? Like food for himself, does he at least help clean? Or paying a small portion for room on board? Throwing that all aside you guys splitting bills? That either tells me it’s not a very committed relationship, and one of you guys ain’t in it for the long haul if it’s running like that already or have been running for a while. So, there’s a lot off elements missing here that would help me give a good answer id say. Although, with the information you have given us? I’d say not really as if he lives with his parents and paying zero bills, zero rent? He’s probably using their car, an needs to refill their gas so he doesn’t lose out on his privileges of the car he is using 😂😂 Now my biased answer is: LEAVE HIM NOW! Unless yall are just starting this relationship? Yall shouldn’t be splitting the bills an he should be paying for it all. Unless you’ve been dating two years an then just now starting to split bills recently? Seek therapeutic help to save this relationship if you love him as there can be some internal fighting going on, or he has someone on the side and just keeping you for a safety net.
Break Up with his broke ass
So you pay to see him, whether its giving him gas money or paying for public transportation. And he lives with his mother. I'm guessing if he makes $50k, he's probably early 30's. That is what, an hour round trip, probably 2 gallons of gas round trip, $7-8 here for premium (that is for 2 gallons total).I hate to suggest a couple going different directions over $8 a week but idk, seems like he should be able to afford it.
This sort of stuff is really beyond my comprehension but I guess this how modern dating is all about.
Unfortunately a lot of women would put up with this 😅 and wonder why their relationships fail
Be equally contributing financially could be an important value for Feminists. That’s the only explanation I could come up with. Girls I know who got sucked into this religion aren’t always happy. And they don’t know why. That’s the sad part.
No
Just no…. You are not his mom.
I would need a handful of extra details, but unless your boyfriend is driving a real piece of shit junker, there's no way he's spending more than $3-4 in gas each way, so call it $6-8 roundtrip. If you're visiting weekly, that would be roughly $24-$30 total. There's no reason he shouldn't just be covering this cost, in my opinion. So, I have some questions for you, then. Can you tell me how much a gallon of gas is near you, and how many miles the drive is? And then how much is he asking for gas?
Every relationship is different. If you love him and he wants you to contribute, then help him. If you don’t want to help, then this can be the small wedge that leads to the end of your relationship.
If you split his gas money with him, will he split your public transport fares with you?
It's his car , he needs to pay for it
Hi! I think you need to change your boyfriend. First gas money, then pay for him at a restaurant and then he will demand money.
Girl. He is using you. You are not his dream girl, so that's why he treats you badly. If you were his dream girl, he wouldn't even dare to ask you for money. Not dare to ask you to pay on dates. Obvi, you are a kind person, so you still offer, but every single time, he should say no. He is treating you as fwb. Please, girl. No. You have a good heart. A kind heart. Look how you are asking us if it's bad he is asking for money. You are willing to challenge yourself (for growth) if it's wrong to question him. No. Girl. You can feel it. It's wrong. And you don't like it. It's okay to end this relationship as there will be someone else out there who will see the kind person you are. Let go of this guy. It will hurt, but this relationship is stopping you from finding your person. I truly wish you the best, and remember, don't let a dusty control your world.
Fuck no
His request is terrible. He chose to be in a relationship w/you I’m presuming on the understanding that you don’t drive, which means he knew that he would be doing a good bulk of the traveling. & then requesting gas money from his girlfriend who lives 30 minutes away? I couldn’t fathom requesting gas money, especially in this scenario.
Damn girl, you’re better than me. I couldn’t put up with a penny pincher. He shouldn’t be dating if he can’t even comfortably afford gas money to hang out with his GF.
Really?? I feel kinda bad because i don’t drive. He usually drives 2-3 hours a week when we hangout
Please be careful OP, and reconsider your relationship with this person. Of course, money is not a requirement for building a genuine connection with someone. But, you do not need to be in a relationship with someone just because you have a genuine connection with them. Relationships require more than a genuine connection, they require investment. The man’s version of investment is quantifiable (money/provision) and the woman’s is qualitative (emotional connection/support). This is something all men know but would never admit. If you continue down this path with your partner, he will continue to use you.
Ignore that comment. Money isn’t a requirement for building genuine connection, not being able to foot the gas bill shouldn’t stop you seeing someone you like, only degenerates think that.
I don't think it's an issue of whether he can foot the bill in this scenario, though, unless he's extremely financially irresponsible. 50k with no rent? The $30 TOTAL a month he's spending on gas to see her shouldn't even be a passing thought in his head.
I agree and personally won’t ask for gas money myself. I find it a bit much. I was replying to the comment above in isolation. A guy not being able to afford gas shouldn’t stop him from dating.
How should it not? If you can’t even afford gas to put in your car, you need to focus on your finances. Not dating.
I agree with you, but she mentions her boyfriend has a full time job, lives with his parents and has no bills. How would he not be able to foot the gas bill?
Dead ass! That’s a boy not a man
This is not okay. He is not a man. U are better than him.
It's the responsibility of the man to take care of his lady.
My question for you: do you want to spend time with him or would you be cool skipping hanging out each week? You don't currently have transportation and so he's having to do all of the legwork (which is a choice). So either you get transportation so you're more even, you're ok paying him some gas money knowing it's weird he's nickel and diming you on something he should also want to be doing... or you realize you're not compatible and move on. Which option feels right for you?
If you're splitting cost of going out 50/50and also paying for his gas and putting effort into traveling via public transit this might just be a FWB situation. Maybe he can take public transportation to visit you if driving a car is too pricey for him? Does he pay towards your bus/transit fare?
30 minutes away isn’t even far. If you lived 1 or 1.5h away I could see him wanting gas money but 30 minutes is nothing. However, it might be good for you to offer to pay for meals or dates more often. This would “balance” it out now and hopefully make up for his effort in always driving you.
The man is already not paying for dates… Ive spent more to see platonic friends 😂😂 this is hilarious
No, it's not okay for your bf to use you like his very own piggy bank. It's entitled and parasitic. Stop giving him gas money. Do not lend or gift him any money at all.
You can have casual sex. Just don’t expect to have any kind of lasting, meaningful committed relationship the rest of your life.
Idk how much gas is for you but I feel like unless he’s driving a serious gas guzzler, 30 minutes shouldn’t be a big deal and personally I think it makes him look cheap. Especially since you also take public transportation to see him and you only see each other once a week. How much would you even be giving him? That being said, it’s really up to you. Is it okay? Yeah, he can ask, there’s no set guideline. It just depends how you feel about it, but since you felt you needed to post it here, I think you already know how you feel but you needed some validation to not feel like a bad person about it.
Gas, cash, or ass
He asks for gas money for his own car that he's driving when he makes plenty of money and isn't even paying rent? Does he pay for half of your public transportation to go see him? He's cheap and he's not gonna change. If you're fine with that, that's on you.
The expression is, you fly (drive) I’ll buy. So if giving him gas money is uncomfortable, maybe offer to pay the whole date every so often to even it up. Might feel less tit for tat that way.
Me personally it’s a no.
No
No, it’s not okay. As someone who can’t drive, i’ve never been asked for gas money - but have given it when it’s warranted.
I can't with the splitting money for gas. Maybe it's because I drive a car that averages the high 30s so it doesn't affect me much but I never gas any of my friends for gas money.
Aren’t you worth some effort or expense? The money for gas seems like a small amount for him to spend to be with someone he cares about. Why is it a big deal for him. Maybe he will dump you when he finds a new girlfriend who lives next-door. All the more cost-effective for him to get sex when he wants it. Is he only in the relationship for sex or is he just cheap? The fact that he’s asking you for money when you already split everything else and the fact that he lives with his parents and lives there rent free are possible red flags. Don’t you want to be with somebody that might make a good life partner. Look, Relationships are riskier for women and you have a biological clock – just be aware of what you’re doing and what you want.
Idk I think it’s a bit much to ask kind of. Gas is expensive, but even in my 10 mpg pickup a 30 minute drive only costs me about $10 maximum, depending if it’s city or not, 30 minutes on the highway would be about $13. Back and forth from the date total maybe that would cost me $30-ish. I’m gonna assume his vehicle has a substantially better mileage than mine as mine is a piece of shit project truck from the 80s. But if I had no expenses I wouldn’t really mind spending $30 a week to see my girlfriend. Again im gonna assume he’s not an idiot like me and drives something much better on gas and isn’t putting a ton of money into the car every month. Something that gets more than 20 mpg in the city really shouldn’t be costing him more than $20 per date. You’ve got no other expenses, that’s absolutely nothing. I’m all for splitting bills and shit too but if I was in his position with that kind of money I’d likely be covering the cost of everything else as well.
The guy I dated mentioned about gas money but he didn’t take into consideration that I did pay for dinners and drove to him half of the time.
depends which country u in lmao. in europe that would be more than legit as of now!
Lives at home and has zero bills. Dump him he already got issues and it’s not going to get better
OP, given he is fully employed and does not pay rent, DO NOT PAY HIS GAS. If it’s that big of an issue he can find another girl that’s closer. That is completely ridiculous!
I wouldn’t put up with that, not for a second. I also wouldn’t be down to split the bill either. “Old fashioned” mindset or whatever but I think the man should be the provider. You’re telling me he gets to enjoy your company, enter your body, and ASKS YOU FOR GAS MONEY?! Never ever no thank you!
So yes gas is expensive I could see where made here and there he might need some when you guys hangout. But splitting the bill when I go out now that’s crazy especially if you’re his girl idk I think maybe you need to see just how serious this dude is.
When you take the time and go take public transport so you can spend time with him, do you expect him to take an equal amount of time/effort to see you as well? Or do you do it because you want to and because you want to see your boyfriend? This personally would not work for me. It also sounds like both of your finances are currently not equal, and if they’re not then it sounds like he’s not considerate of it. In my personal experience, when people are tit for tat, stingy with their money- this translates to things out side of finances as well.
Yes it’s
In this economy yes.
Is it okay for you to ask him to take you to dinner?
No. This is absolutely not okay. You pay to see him and he pays to see you. You already split the bill. He has no real expenses. If he is whining about gas for outings then he is just selfish. I don't know a single man who would be asking for gas money in this scenario. And let me be clear, if this was a road trip and you guys are splitting gas that would be one thing. But this is just regular local travel to go to dates.
He's being ridiculous.
How much per year in gas money are we talking about?
I'm going to be devils advocate here. Maybe it's not so much the cost involved, maybe it's more about him feeling appreciated for the effort. Driving an hour return - or two if he drops you back home?? - is a real PITA and draining. It's a big effort on his behalf to maintain the relationship. Maybe this is his (poor) way of communicating that he is not quite feeling valued for his time and effort. If I were you I'd do something like buy him an ice-cream at the end of the date as a sign of appreciation. Or every few dates shout him his dinner. Specifically paying for his petrol is a bit ugh, gives penny-pinching vibes, but make sure you're doing something to show him that you acknowledge and appreciate the extra effort he has to do when he drives to you every week.
I mean, if someone chauffeured me around 2-3 hours a week I would offer them gas money, whether a friend or a boyfriend. Gas prices keep going up and my friends with cars are all stressed about it. I guess I've also always been uncomfortable with the whole idea that men need to pay for everything to date me. I'm an adult with a job. I'm thankful every day I grew up in a time and place where I don't need to marry a man to exist in the world, and I'm happy to split costs to keep things fair and equal.
Gas is expensive so asking for Gas money is reasonable in my opinion. Why does it bother you so much tho?
Probably bc he already makes 50K a year, lives at home with his parents, doesn’t pay for bills, doesn’t help to pay when she takes public transport to see him, and they already split the price of a date. I wouldn’t put up with even one of those things, tbh. He’s not courting her. He’s penny pinching. And I’m sorry, no man that actually likes you and wants to spend time with you is this gd cheap.
Do you want somebody that nickel and dimes you all the time? Then continue to date him.
If he only makes 50k a year and you don't drive I can definitely see why. An hour round trip every single week is a lot of gas, especially if the mileage on his car isn't great. Assuming you aren't struggling with money at the moment, I think this is reasonable. Especially if he's saving up to be able to move out
He doesn’t pay bills though. He lives with his parents
Yes absolutely it's fine, it's 2024 not 1800. If you're in a committed relationship you should be paying your share.
Why would you split the bill and not the gas? Are you just pretending you're not traditional? Choose a side of the fence ffs
Because most people don't want to be nickled and dimed within their relationship in the name of "equality." Her share of gas is, at most, $15 a month. If my partner started asking I gave them $15 a month to cover local travel, I'd leave them, because that's could be a sign of a few different red flags. If they couldn't afford it, then they're financially irresponsible. If they can afford it, then I would be suspicious that they're taking advantage of me or don't care enough about the relationship to simply cover the small costs associated with it.
In my view and the way I was raised, I would never take money from a woman as a guy you’re not a man if you’re asking your girl for money your job is to provide for your family, your girl and your kids if you have any and if she wants to work, let her keep that money and do what she wants with it if I go out to dinner with some of my girlf-riends if they do not have a date or a man with them, I will always pay for their food to split a bill or something with a girl is crazy. You are real scumbag for that I would avoid
Thats really respectable, but i don’t mind paying for him. I just wish we didn’t always have to go 50/50. Like if we go out to dinner he’ll ask me to e-transfer him half. Idk it just isn’t very romantic. I would rather take turns paying
Men who want to impress you will pay for dates, they would be afraid to be constantly asking you to split them because they will be afraid of losing you. They will want to court you. If you put up with these nickel and dime clowns sending you venmo for every single date you go on you are going to be really miserable in a relationship with somebody who does not value you.
It really depends person to person. Not all women want this lmao
Keep lowering your standards hun you'll get picked one day, and then you can pay 50% of the bills for the privilege of being somebody's bang maid!
It’s a man’s job simple it’s always been that way. That’s absolutely insane. I would walk out immediately. Maybe my thing is weird, but I’ll even go to a waiter and have them take care of a girl that’s by herself or something and pay for them. It’s not about money, being a person goes a long ways Too many guys are out for just sex
It's really true, so many men out for sex and then dating apps get filled up with scammers and sex workers (nothing wrong with sex work if it's your choice and what you want to do, but a dating app is not the place for it). And it's creating this really bad dating environment where normal girls feel like they have to pay for half or more of everything just to prove they're not one of the scammers or sex workers and then there's some really scummy guys out there absolutely taking advantage of this. Your thing is not weird, it's called having manners and being a gentleman, and I promise you every fuckboy that reads your comment is going to come out of the woodwork howling because guys like you ruin their scams
Women take advantage of men paying too. It works both ways more often than not lmao. My girlie friends NEVER pay for anything, ever. It's lowk kinda sad.
Good for them. I think you're low-key kind of sad except not low key
You’re a kind person is all I can say
You are too kind and he sees that 😅 as some comments stated above, I believe is is trying to use you. If he was serious about courting you and investing in you, he wouldn’t dare ask a lady for money.
You split the cost of meals. Why is there a problem with helping pay for gas? So, he drives to get you and drops you off. The maintenance on a car is not just gas. Its tires, oil, tune-ups, repairs, insurance, wear and tear, depreciation of value, and so many other little things that add up.
but she’s also taking public transportation and paying that on her own. i feel like that should even out
This is true
Is it just for dates? Or is he being her personal Uber? Like wtf are you on..
I drive 30 minutes to see my homies every weekend, I have a 2019 Jetta costs me about $3 each way
Say it is ok as long as he pays for all your expenses when you are the one traveling to see him. Your boyfriend is getting used to leech on people since he lives with his parents. Now he tries a trick on you and if you say yes to it, you will fall into what in Norway calls the wife trap where the woman pays 50 of all economic expenses but do 100% of children rearing and house rearing.
It’s a potential red flag and a potential green flag. 30 minutes is ambiguous. Distance would be better. I’ll assume 35 miles. I’ll also assume he’s driving a car that is more fuel efficient than a full fat SUV and say that he spends about $15 of gas every time he goes to see you. Since that’s once a week, then it’s an unreasonable ask and we’re leaning in red flag territory. Especially if he’s asking for more than the equivalent of $30 a month. The one silver lining is he’s asking for it instead of resenting you for not offering. It’s up to you now to observe him and determine if his leaning into splitting costs so evenly on top of anything else he does differently than you would bothers you. If so, well, that’s a sign it’s not a death ‘til you part relationship
Do you want to give him gas money? Because it sounds like you just don’t. It’s rough out here for folks and if he’s stretched for cash throw in a couple bucks. If you don’t want to, then tell him that and see if you can fix the schedules or rely on public transport more often
Personally, I happily paid for my boyfriends gas because he was constantly picking me up and driving us everywhere. Now we’re married I don’t pay anything lol but still as a younger couple I had no problem with it
Give him some gas money. It’s not just the gas, is he also the only one putting money towards the car? Insurance, registration, tires, repairs, etc? But it drives you around too.
The car is his responsibility, not OP's.
It would be a nice gesture, cause when you’re the only one driving both people around it adds up real fast. It’ll build up resentment over time if only one person is contributing.
Yes its reasonable, ofc you should pay gas money, he’s driving you around and wasting gas.
I agreed 👍🏻
Does he pay for all the expenses on your dates?
This question is not easy. I think we all give more than taken in some way in a relationship. There is no absolute 50/50 in the world. You can pay him for the gas money if you are really into him and feel comfortable to do so. Maybe you two can sit down and talk about how to split the expense evenly. If it doesn’t work, then it means he’s not for you. It’s all up to you.
I’m in a HCOLA and I spend $50 every week and a half on gas. I have an SUV, Jeep to be exact. What kind of car does he drive? To me, it sounds like he wants some gas money PLUS a nice large tip for picking you up and dropping you off, which is absurd to me.
He's coming to you? How much do you make?
you know he may have expenses even if he has no bills too. cars are an expense
The car is his responsibility, not OP's.
No way. This is petty and not a good sign for the future.
I have a gas money calculator spreadsheet handy that I use sometimes, since I get rides from people often and like to contribute for gas. Hard to say what distance "30 minutes away" translates to, but say it's 25 km, and he's driving something like a 2013 Elantra (random car already in my spreadsheet, gets 31 mpg) him driving to yours and back costs $5.70 assuming a gas price of $1.50/litre (Canada gas price, if you're in the US it's probably cheaper). So say he's doing this once a week, it works out to almost $30/month without including where you drive to for dates. So it's not breaking the bank for him, but it does work out to a noticeable expense. Maybe work out what the cost is with your own numbers, but pitching him 10 or 20 dollars a month might be nice and fair. Then again, I would probably have just let it go if I were him, as I find nitpicking expenses can be a mood killer in a relationship. On the other hand, it can lead to some harboured resentment if things start to add up for one partner. Just gotta communicate and sympathize like anything else in a relationship.
Hey we all struggle sometimes 🙌
Yes, yes he can!
No. Move on to someone who can pay for himself and you!