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Mama.. I think step number 1 is to change your mindset, I can smell the self pity and insecurity, and you yourself don’t even understand why people date black people. Idk if your in a predominantly white area but I have never encountered such problems. I’m black and very darkskin, I attract mainly black and Hispanic men and they LOVEEEEE my skin, my natural hair, my face, my body, my scent, these men just love black women. It’s forsure possible, Black love is definitely a thing… As for how you date as a black person, GO WHERE YOUR VALUED! Yes there are black men, white men, Indian men, Asian men, etc that love black women. Some people prefer not to and that’s okay, but it’s a difference between a guy that just not interested vs a guy that just straight up dislikes black people. You need to learn how to speak up louder for Black Women period because your living that life everyday girl. NEVER tolerate that disrespect from anybody. My motto was always you someone doesn’t say it’s wrong than they agree with the statements. I think you should have more pride in the black community and put actual research for what it means to be black..

Very very well said sister

Yes, I know it's not 100% impossible for black people to date otherwise black people wouldn't exist. But it's just harder it seems. I do notice that some black girls with natural hair get lots of attention, but I don't wear my hair natural because it doesn't look good on me and also it frustrates me. But I definitely see way more black women alone while I see white girls especially blondes with their bfs all the time. >As for how you date as a black person, GO WHERE YOUR VALUED! I can't really do that unfortunately because I just started my PhD program, so I'm stuck in my city for a while. But it seems like there aren't many good cities for black people in the first place, except for maybe Atlanta, DC, and a few others. Also, I don't hate being black. I used to, but not anymore. I've come to realize what it means to be black and that it's not my fault I was born into a world that doesn't appreciate us. But it's still hard sometimes.

STOP COMPARING YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. Trust me, been there done that and one thing it taught me is that, it makes you feel worse. Live your own life. What you see others doing has no reflection on your life and what you are or are not doing. Comparing yourself to literally anyone else is a super super super toxic mindset my friend! :)

oof maybe you’re not getting dates cuz you seem to have too much hate for your own kind and it’s showing. their is just as many single white women as black women as asian women depending on the area you live in so to make that statement is weird. and there’s plenty of black cities or black communities *within* a white city you just don’t seem to want to try

Yeah I was gonna say… it almost sounds like she doesn’t wanna date black men. A bit odd. Peoples is peoples.

She seems like she needs to come to terms with her skin before even trying to date. She will not be able to have a healthy relationship if her mentality doesn’t change. I have noticed this from other black women though, they will complain that black men don’t want them while they chase white men. To me, as a black man, it doesn’t make sense.

But why are you constantly looking at other peoples lives, and comparing it to yourself? Especially people that aren’t your race. I live in Philadelphia, a lot of black people live here, but I have been to different cities where they look at me like I’m exotic. I don’t think our skin color correlates to people not wanting wanting you. They way your description are, it’s giving these people just don’t like black people plain in simple. I think you need to grow your self esteem. That’s what makes you look “ugly”. I have met very unattractive black girls that know how to wear their confidence and personality on their sleeve and can easily pull a guy. This is self esteem problem sis

No stigma’s definitely exist around black women especially darker skinned rather than light skinned, I’ve had conversations with guys who will literally just say upfront they would date just ab any race but black women, “not because their racist but black women are too much” or “I don’t like dark skin”. Its weird because at the same time they’ll call them hot? Idk 💀

Now my next question is why are you even entertaining these type of conversations😭 because men like this need therapy themselves!!!😂😂 as I said before go where your valued. Not every man in your city thinks this way. And now I’m really wonder where you live to receive this treatment because as I said again, it’s giving they just don’t like black people in general. Even if these are black men, that means they hate being black. Idk if you see where I’m going with this.

Yea I see, and yea I sure don’t think that way. T’was just an observation, black women are often under appreciated even tho they work the hardest out of eeeveryone so 💀

>But why are you constantly looking at other peoples lives, and comparing it to yourself? Especially people that aren’t your race. Because I'm human and want to experience love like everyone else, and also because society expects everyone to reach the same finish line (get married, have a good job, have your own house, car, make lots of money, etc) while blatantly undermining the fact that not everyone starts at the same starting point. So I have to somehow get to the same point that attractive white and Asian people get to with the shitty resources in life that I've been given.

And look what you’ve accomplished so far. You may not think it’s a big deal…but how many black women are in your phd program? Hell, how many women are in the program?? It IS a big deal and you worked your ass off to get there. And fuck whatever milestones this stupid society has told you to chase. It’s all bullshit! The happiest ppl I’ve met in my life are the ones who chose their own path, bc they realized living for other people expectations was absolute nonsense and only meant to box us in and control us. There’s nothing wrong with wanting love and a partner, but you are not behind! You’re not less than because you’re not married or have a house or kids. So please don’t tell yourself you are. Don’t let these assholes be the tape you play in your head.

Are you familiar with the ratios of male to female and STEM programs? Do you think it would make it easier to date? It’s not not at all.

OP it will sound ironic but I am a white girl with blonde hair who will never understand how you feel about your skin color and all the hardship that comes with it in this mad world, unfortunately, but I feel the same exact way about dating as you do. So trust me, it’s not about a skin color or race, it’s about meeting right people which just got harder than it was before. Especially when you’re smart (even if you’re being so humble about it) and independent woman. I wish I could give you a better advice other than just work on how you see yourself, your self image is clearly poor, which IMO, is a problem already. Learn to know your worth, you’re so much more than just your ethnicity and skin color. ♥️

Southfield, MI & Detroit

This is a whole lot of self-pitying. I'm a black woman. You will deal with the stereotypes. Those are the cards that you have been dealt. That's what you're going to have to deal with and you're going to have to figure out a way how to work with that. You don't need to date everyone. You don't need to be attractive to everyone. The most attractive people aren't attractive to everyone. Ultimately, what is going to have to happen is that you need to go into places where you're desired. A room of engineers aren't people that are likely to appreciate you. And considering that you are so far in the self-loathing hole, what is to say that a man that appreciates you, you won't write off as him fetishizing you? You're so used to mistreatment that you are in a situation where you wouldn't even know regard if you saw it. There's more men that are interested in black women than there are black women in the general population. You're comparing your worse days to everyone else's highlight reel and are all upset that it doesn't match up, so you're getting more and more miserable. You have to make effort into putting yourself into situations where people will find you desirable. You can't just sit there and think that men are going to find you attractive for just existing. You also might not be your type's type and you need to get over that one - that happens to everyone, regardless of race.

This comment is so insightful - really needed a reminder about the fact that you don't have to attractive to everyone, it's not possible anyway. It's a bit like how the lesson 'progress, not perfection' keeps popping up in my life lately. Also that you may not your type's type/why make a hard thing harder... how'd you get so smart?!

Age. I'm 36 and life teaches you these things. I'm in a relationship with a white dude that works in finance. Men that are interested in black women that are in the same SES as OP exist.

I have really enjoyed reading your previous comment, I hope the OP sees it. I am a 26 year old black woman living in the UK and I have never had a boyfriend. I am confident, travel a lot but all my life guys rejected me and never want to know the real me. When an individual constantly experiences rejection it can effect how they see themselves and it csn break you. I am a black woman just like the OP and I live in a European country. Living as a black woman in a country where eurocentric beauty standards are promoted heavily it can be hard to feel beautiful and its made worse dealing with men never seeking after you the way they do with other white women.As a teenager I have even experienced men of my racial group rejecting me and chooing thar blonde haired blue eyed girl over me I have experienced male rejection throughout my life it is all I have ever known I am too am damaged from it. The OP is seeing herself through the lens of her own experiences of the visicious cycle of rejection, being overlooked and never sought after while other women and girls are receiving love. I feel sorry for the OP because the human mind is cruel. Its shocking how something natural as the human brain can torment us.

Dating just seems harder for us. As a black dude, it's tough especially if you don't fit certain stereotypes.

Elaborate. I’m a black woman and imo black men have the pick of the litter. Women of different races fetishize you and black women usually limit themselves to you. I love black men but ijs.

This isn’t as common as people think. There’s a very small niche of women in other groups that only date black men, but the majority of women do not have a preference for black men and are not open to dating us. The “big dick” stereotype doesn’t make most women want to sleep with us, social pressure & prejudices override that. I assure you black men do not have their pick of the litter in dating, only the very attractive white men do.

This is highly regional. Come to the Midwest and interracial couples are everywhere, particularly black men and white women. And it’s not just about the big dick. A lot of it is just pure defiance. Grown women rebelling against their racist ass families. I wouldn’t wanna date those types of women but you have the option nonetheless. Another elephant in the room is black guys dig heavyset white women and white men aren’t typically into that. A brother will even date a fat white woman before he will a fat black woman. I sometimes wonder if that’s a fetish within itself but the point is women love black men. Of course not all but I think being a black guy you automatically have the Mandingo warrior stereotype working for you even though we all know that’s not true all the time. now again, you’re probably not into being fetishized but my point is you can at least get a date based on that alone. I guess it’s like how a lot of guys fetishize Asian women. I’m sure they hate that shit but they can never say that it doesn’t work for them in terms of getting a date. May not attract the type of man that they’re interested in but it’s attractive nonetheless.

Why do black women not seem to accept that black men aren’t wanted by a lot of people too? As a community, we need to stop trying to compare black men vs black women and realise that we’re all black people. Part of one community with the same everyday struggles, for the most part, and the same stigmas against us. It’s not a competition, we need to work together to push against the shit that’s holding us down. Only then will we, as a community, stop pitying and loathing ourselves.

[удалено]

For the most part, we do have the same struggles and that’s what I said. Just how being a woman has its own set of troubles, being a man does too but the difference is that our struggles are not worth listening to (to most people). I completely disagree with the idea that men are the one who get to choose, people choose who they want and I don’t believe it’s a gendered thing at all. The difference is that a lot of men will go for whatever woman bats an eye at them so it seems like men have more choice, when that isn’t true. Black women have positive and negative stereotypes, just like black men and both men and women of other races. Once again, I disagree with you that stereotypes aren’t true because they begin somewhere. Yes, there are some stereotypes that are less true than others but generally speaking, a lot of stereotypes are correct. This doesn’t mean that it’s good to stereotype people at all but it’s something that still happens and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. In regards to the stereotype about black men, you’re focusing on the audience rather than who it affects negatively. Instead of talking about how mentally taxing it is on black men, you’re talking about how it’s not a bad thing which isn’t a good look. Once again, you talk about how the stereotypes negatively affect black women but not black men simply because the majority of people do not care about how men are affected. I’ve had plenty of women approach me simply because I give of “big dick energy” and that’s a complete joke as well as extremely hurtful. It’s not that black women don’t get chosen, they just don’t like the people who do choose them. Black women constantly complain about how black men don’t want them yet I’ve seen tons of black men get rejected by black women who are pining after a white man. Saying that black men are “celebrated” due to stereotypes is once again, a very harmful attitude to have and it downplays on the effects that it has on us. It’s not that black men have the “pick of the litter” but rather the fact that black men are fetishised to the point where every woman wants to experience what it feels like to be with a black man. You really don’t understand how maddening that feeling is, not knowing whether a woman is with you cos she thinks you have an anaconda or if she genuinely likes you as a person. However, you can’t speak about it because other men will shame you for not wanting to have an easy lay and black women will shame you for complaining. As a black man, we aren’t allowed to show emotion or complain about things because it goes against the stereotypes of big strong black men and paints us as effeminate. As a black man, I’m not allowed to reject a black woman because it now means I’m a self hating person who despises his race yet when a black women rejects a black man it isn’t an issue. Me being in a relationship with an Asian woman has caused a multitude of issues and angry messages from black women who vilify me and make me out to be a villain for simply being attracted to someone other than them. That’s not to mention how we get dragged online (especially on black Twitter) or violated in person when seen with a white or asian woman. No one has asked black women to “limit” themselves to black men but if a black man was to say he was “limited” to black women, all hell would break loose. In regards to the whole gay thing, that isn’t an issue with black men at all. That’s an issue with black women not accepting themselves for who they are and trying to paint themselves as something else. These men didn’t “make” these women single mothers, these women (who you admit are the ones who get to control sex) are the ones who allowed someone to knock them up. That’s not on us at all, that’s a problem for black women to deal with themselves. Black women have a lot of self hatred and won’t stop comparing themselves to women of other races while refusing to acknowledge that it’s that exact mindset and behaviour that pushes men, of all races, away from them. This is exactly why I say that black women have a lot of self projected issues that they need to deal with before engaging in dating because they will get even worse when the relationship doesn’t work out. Going back to my original point: black people as a whole have a ton of overlapping issues but we need to work on them as a community. The difference is that black womens issues are valid yet black men aren’t allowed to complain about our own. Black woman are the loudest to scream that they don’t need a man but also the first to complain that they don’t have one. Make a choice.

Plenty women won’t date black men either because they don’t find them attractive or family/societal pressure makes them afraid to do so.

You mean tall black guys. Or black guys that act like gangsters and rappers. Nerdy black guys are squares, especially if they are short and introverted. Where I live, a certain type of black man has the pick of the litter for some reason.

Tf would you date someone who sees you as a fetish item?

From my experience, dating is harder for some people based on their race. You aren’t crazy for thinking this! That being said, there is not much you can do about that. You need to focus on finding someone that actually cares for you as a person. I think most people could do better in dating if they took initiative. It’s not easy to go up to someone and flirt with them. I still struggle with that, but if we could just be bold and take rejection gracefully, we would definitely have a better shot at finding a good match.

I’m a nerdy fat black girl and I’ve never had a problem getting men to find me attractive. I have a boyfriend who’s obsessed with me and can’t keep his hands off of me. I understand where you’re coming from. I need to get off of social media because I consistently see men talking about not liking black women and stereotyping them. I constantly see people talking about how unlovable and unattractive we are. Sometimes a guy will make a video with his black girlfriend and the comments will be filled with disbelief and disgust. It’s extremely discouraging and really messes with your mental health. People will also try to tell you that you’re being dramatic or over exaggerating. Don’t let them invalidate your feelings. However…. I say get off the social media. People are far more bold online and even the people with negative comments towards black women get their comments pushed to the top because of how much engagement they’re getting with the angry responses . Which means it’s not nearly as bad as you think. The majority of black men statistically end up marrying black women. If I can get someone so can you sis. I know plenty of black women in loving relationships. Ignore those ignorant racist assholes . They’re opinion isn’t worth catering too. They want you to feel insecure to boost their own ego. Do not let them.

>I have a boyfriend who’s obsessed with me and can’t keep his hands off of me. Where and how did you find him? Sorry, that's what I should have asked in this post. How black ppl found their partners. I'm going to update it right now

I found him on tinder, you might now be as lucky as me tho. Me and my man are basically the gender swap of each other for the most part. I honestly don’t even know how I managed to run into this guy by coincidence lol. Keep trying girl!

You sincerely sound like a well-adjusted, fun person. Keep up the amazing work.

thanks :)

Yes to this! I hardly agree on getting off of social media! It’s so toxic! All these weirdos with these podcasts saying what is an attractive black woman and what isn’t is NOT the reality! I promise you OP, there are PLENTY of black women who do not fit the standards of conventional beauty who are getting loved up on as we speak! It’s really sad because I see post after post after post about black women who are just like unrealistically pretty getting all this attention and black men shitting on anything that’s outside of that. Or even the music industry doing the same thing. But not all men are like that. And it’s crazy for me to even be defending a man right now, but I promise you the nerds get love too. I’m a nerdy, fat, black, darkskin, fem with glasses who loves comic books and cartoons. I’m as nerdy as they get and I’m literally talking to four guys right now, I’m not even joking LMAO We are cute and hot and sexy too. Don’t let social media trick you! Or your school!

Your posting history breaks my heart - you seem to feel that beauty is a set of traits you need to acquire, or a standard you need to hit. Instead of the truth which is…. Nope, not “beauty is on the inside”… beauty is… …*defined completely different by everyone*. No matter what you look like, someone would genuinely love you *exactly* how you look without needing to change yourself. As others said, attracter a larger group may be as simple as being more physically active and learning to be more confident. I wish you the best of luck, from one engineering PhD student to another, some days are incredibly hard on the mind but dont let it sap your hope <3

Hey OP, I’m a black male with multiple sisters. Most of us are very educated (graduate-level with good careers) and we’ve all been pretty successful dating (interracially and non-interracially). Best piece of advice I can give you (and I’m gonna be raw): you can’t date like your white friends do or compare your dating life to theirs. It is what it is and that’s just the reality. You have to account for the fact that we have a lot more ‘spillage’ to deal with (for lack of a better term) when we date: a lot more people aren’t going to call us back, the volume of matches/interested suitors will be less, the suitors may not be as high quality, etc. That’s just the world we live in. That doesn’t mean you won’t find someone, but it likely won’t be as easy as other groups - you may have to put a little more effort in, talk to more people, tailor your expectations, etc. Once you make peace with this and adjust things accordingly, it will make your dating life a lot easier to manage. I’m a little older than you and I’ve seen this situation multiple times (firsthand and secondhand) so I know how it feels, and I have stories of my own for days. Feel free to reach out if you have any more questions or just need support.

All good points and i agree.

The issue here is your mindset. It’s really hard to date someone who constantly puts themselves down and doesn’t see their value. Trust me, I’ve experienced this just a few days ago but I’m taking steps to gain my confidence/self-esteem back. Having a PhD is such a high accomplishment, you should really appreciate the nerdy side of you. Also think more highly of yourself and have standards so you can attract better guys. The dating pool is rough so I understand and as a black female myself (same age too), you are absolutely right, it’s going to be a bit more challenging than non-black but you have to just put yourself out there. Nothing good in life comes easy. And I would put the stereotypes in the back of my mind and just focus on how I present myself to others.

OP as a fat Jewish disabled woman I can certainly relate to your feelings. What bothers me is your myopic perspective. Every marginalized woman faces problems in dating, school, and life. You’ve managed to enter a PhD program and you are still treating yourself like a wild card no one should bet on, even you. It’s not an appealing look because you’re marketing yourself incorrectly. You’re basing your self-image on the idea that your race is holding you back, but look around you. It’s your lack of self-awareness and compassion.

While I understand what you’re saying, because to some degree, marginalized people do have a more difficult time dating and then when you had various intersecting identities it’s even HARDER. That being said, when things like anti blackness, systemic racism, colorism, etc. exist, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that across the board Black women do tend to have a more difficult time time. Not just within our race but outside it as well. Also, something else to consider, it does rub me the wrong way that non-Black people are commenting on this when it clearly a Black/race/skin color issue that Non-Black people wouldn’t never truly be able to understand. There are plenty of Black people who have commented on this thread sharing really good advice from actual lived experiences similar to OP’s. I would never comment on a similar post from a fat, Jewish, or disabled person, as I hold none of those identities. Just food for thought for the future.

I’m 24F, black and fat to top it off lol. I get it, I really do. I live in a predominantly white area and there is no one, and I do mean no one, who shows the slightest bit of interest in me. I have black females friends and we all seem to have similar experiences. I feel isolated, alone, devalued and completely undesirable. Working in corporate has made it significantly worse to the point where I quit from severe anxiety and imposter syndrome. I’m on a journey now but I think it’s worth working on ourselves - not because you want X man to find you attractive/ desirable but because we need to feel like we are worthy of love, including from ourselves. When you see a man you’re attracted to, don’t immediately think he won’t like you/ be interested in you, ASSUME that he isn’t interested romantically so that you can engage with with without pressure. Make friends, lean into your hobbies. Create a fulfilling life so that the gaping whole doesn’t feel so consuming. If you seek sexual intimacy, I don’t know but it might be worth finding someone else who has that in mind too. I get it, I really do. It’s not like we can talk to friends of other races about it because it’ll be put down to a pity party or playing victim but I know many of us black women feel this way. Feel free to message me if you wanna chat x

I go on dates with black woman all the time. I’m a white guy and I don’t “prefer” any woman if I think she’s cute and has an interesting lifestyle then I wanna meet her. That being said I haven’t found one (of ANY color) that I click with. I don’t sweat it anymore, I am rarely open to a ONS, I am looking for long term compatibility. I think everyone is very selective these days (myself included) and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It’s not like buying a car, it’s a human being that you hope to live your entire life with.

> I go on dates with black woman all the time I'm not saying that guys NEVER go on dates with black women. But it doesn't matter if 1% (as an example) of guys are interested and 99% will go for the other girls. Because then you have less to choose from. And these guys know you have less options, so they're more likely to be embarrassed of you or to treat you badly because they know you don't have other guys to just run to instead. And also, if 1% of guys like you, then there's a high chance of them being crazy af, abusive, or in a relationship already, or too old/young. Its the same for the girls who 99% of guys like, but they have more options to choose from, so they can afford to be more picky since they don't have such few options to go with and don't have to worry about being stuck with an abusive/crazy guy

Less options isn’t necessarily bad. Maybe those people value other things aside from race and skin color. Plus a good amount of that 99% is trash anyway so to me thats like an extra leter of filter to sort out the ones who arent worth my time anyway. Also, if you think that you have less options and would probably have to deal with getting stuck with someone who is abusive, then thats probably what you will get. Not every man who hits on women want to date them.. some just want sex. Ever notice how in a club, for example, there are a group of girl friends all looking good and equally hot and for some reason some girls get hit on a lot more and some barely do? Its the energy. Some men know that the other one probably wouldn’t go for casual dates or ons while the others would so they go for that. Now if you meant you just wanted to have lots of casual dates then just change your mindset and your energy would change too and youd probably attract more of those guys

I figured it out. It’s your assumptive attitude. Sorry about that, good luck!

> I figured it out. It’s your assumptive attitude. Sorry about that, good luck! Hit the nail on the head with that one. Sunk it in one hit to boot

I’m not sure I can reverse years of internalized racism, but as a non-black person who’s dated many black women in my day I can at least chime in with the anecdote that I find them very desirable and attractive. Every person has a unique beauty. There are some magical aspects to many black women that you just can’t put into words until you’ve experienced it yourself. You can’t change societal woes of marginalization or white focused beauty standards, but you can be the baddest baddie you can possibly be. Take good care of yourself and never let the negativity get to you. I’m half Asian, so I definitely have felt undesirable on the dating market before. But it definitely is online dating in general… This is a frustrating reality for many people for all different kinds of reasons. Embrace what makes you different, it’s also what makes you beautiful! Confidence goes a long, long way, and so does some good photos on whatever app you’re using. I’ve since gotten over my own issues with myself and don’t really fixate on my race anymore when I’m meeting people. In my mind, I’d rather not let this get to me, even if it is a reality other people are perceiving. I just choose to let it go because there’s lots of people out there and someone is bound to find me attractive! I hope maybe one day, you can too! Your melinated skin and ancestral features make you special! There’s lots of guys out there who will agree :)

Seconded

You seem like a drag to be around. I’m a fat black female so I get it, I do. But you need to go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If a certain type of man isn’t attracted to you then date the men who are. There’s a song that goes if you don’t love me then somebody else will. Trust me there’s somebody out there for you. I like men and women and I wouldn’t date you on the self loathing alone.

This. It’s harsh but the truth. I’m also fat and black and also darkskin and I date men and women but I wouldn’t date someone who constantly puts themselves down, no matter how “in shape” they were. To me it doesn’t matter that much what they look like but what their personality is like and if we vibe. Their level of maturity. If they have an active social life. If they have goals. They’re taking care of themselves. I’m in therapy and I work through my insecurities that way. And I always tell myself, go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. I learned that from Dr. Thema’s podcast. I’m upfront on dating apps about my weight and who I am and whoever don’t like it well they can GTF on. I don’t have a problem finding dates.

As someone who similarly is like OP, I have to ask: How does one go where they are appreciated? If they are in college, where would they go? In my case, I’m pretty much around the same guys who have the same degree I’m in so idk where to find guys that would like me. Additionally, idk if OP shares this but a lot of guys in Engineering can be complete a-holes. Sorry

IME, a lot of engineering guys in college tend to be considered undateable because they lack the social skills. They get better when they get out of school. You may also need to date outside of college. I told someone else but my boyfriend works in finance. We would not have considered each other had we been in college.

I did tell the OP a while ago that STEM industry there is a lot of misogyny. Within the STEM industry, a lot of STEM men do feel threatened by women who are more intelligent than them hence why the OP has experienced her stem male work colleagues and class mates treating her badly. The poor treatment she complains about is more to do the men's personal insecurity and deep misogyny rather than her appearance.

You need to seek social circles that don’t involve the engineering program. You can try online dating but you have to open yourself up to a crowd that you’re not already comfortable with i.e. guys who are engineers

Oh ok. Socializing is the bane to my existence 😂. Every other major seems so friendly idk why I chose engineering. Thanks tho!

There are assholes in every career field. You just have to pick your poison. And if you don’t like to socialize then maybe join online forums with other people who don’t like to socialize and you can bond over that. I don’t know if you’re into online dating but maybe your headline can say I’m interested in introverts or guys/gals who are ok with an online friendship. Good luck 🍀

There is an obvious bias against black women. I am Caribbean and my mom once told me not to bring a black woman home. It’s ridiculous because we are also black. But there is a huge element of self hatred, and a lot of black Americans are seen as ghetto just because they listen to certain music or dance a certain way, or talk a certain way, or live in certain areas. Other minorities try to distance themselves from black Americans, and I think it’s because they want to avoid the discrimination black Americans face. Ironic that they’re only perpetuating the discrimination themselves. I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with, but I understand that you have extra hurdles compared to a lot of other women because of racism, colorism, etc. I still love black women though, and never let my family’s self-hatred get in the way.

First things first you need to go see a therapist. I've see this same story on here so many time. Black woman who's struggling in dating. Has 0 self esteem. Blames everything else around her. I highly doubt everyone thinks you're disgusting. The reason you're getting the feedback you do isn't because you're ugly, but because you go into every social situation thinking that you're ugly, ppl pick up on that and they're forced to follow suit. Or your a victim to your own bias. Because not every single person out there is rude to you. If they were, you'd have no friends. So we need to sit with a therapist and work out this issue with our self esteem. People are mirrors and will reflect back to them the energy that you put out. We have to tune your energy so you get the good out and the good comes back.

>Blames everything else around her. Isn't that literally everyone on this sub? Idk how I said is any different than what everyone says on here? It's not fair that everyone always invalidates our experiences. It is because I'm ugly unfortunately. Not everyone got lucky to be attractive. Also, the beauty standards are skewed against me, I'm literally the exact opposite of the beauty standards, so it's even easier for me to be considered ugly than most people are. I went on the ugly sub and realized that all of my experiences are the exact same as theirs and that I never felt anything that normal girls experience. I'm not even upset that I'm ugly, I just hate how everyone is rude to someone just because of their face. I'd never be rude to someone just because of their looks. I hate how society determines your entire worth and how to treat you just because of things that are completely out of you control, especially since ugly poc are treated way worst than ugly white people, even though many of the features that are considered "ugly" in us are just not in the eurocentric standards of beauty

You said you’re thin though and “in shape”. That’s not the “exact opposite” of the beauty standards, that literally IS the beauty standard. So I think you have a very skewed perception of yourself.

>Isn't that literally everyone on this sub? Idk how I said is any different than what everyone says on here? It's not fair that everyone always invalidates our experiences. What does "everyone else on this sub" have to do with you and your dating life? See what I'm talking about? If everyone else is the problem and you're not, then you don't have to do anything to change/fix it and it's everyone else's fault. Ppl aren't acting the way they due to you because of your looks. It's because you have an unattractive personality. I've only been talking to you for a handful of minutes and even I'm not digging this conversation. There's millions of POC women out there that don't match up to the "Eurocentric " beauty standards yet have great dating lives. Tons of nerdy black women who aren't "pretty" still have their DMs filled with dudes. What other excuse you got, OP?

I looked at your posts, and you posted yourself a year ago. Im an average guy, and you are not ugly. Not close. My question is, do you ever approach guys, or do you wait for them to?

I looked too and she’s literally not even ugly. I mean I’m not a guy but I think she’s kind of pretty. Definitely not someone any normal person would be “disgusted” over. I genuinely think that she’s become so insecure that she had a warped perception of reality. Both with how she looks and how others look at her.

“People pick up on that and theyre forced to follow suit.” Rofl wtf, why would they be forced to follow suit?

You ever been around someone who constantly puts themself down? They keep saying they're ugly/stupid/etc and over time you just get tired of arguing with them so you just go with it? What's what OP is doing.

If she is doing that to every new person and friend she meets then yea thats a problem. Not sure if she is doing exactly that, but it is clear she has low self esteem unfortunately.

It’s honestly getting through the ones who fetishize us, and honestly try dating more out side our race. And location. I promise you men love black women, unfortunately you just have to be in the right area and frame of mind. Because there is some truth to what you’ve said but you let it fester and grow until it’s become a major part of you. Just learn the red flags in men and honestly you may be single for a bit but you’ll find someone.

Do you yourself date black people? I always find these topics interesting because it seems as though you are complaining about other races not wanting to date black people when you also don’t seem to want to date black people- otherwise that’d be a pretty simple solution to your problem, no? For reference I am also black and from a small town that is majority white- population only like 20,000 and I can still find dates every once in awhile. It’s not impossible. & I’ve dated all across the board, black, asian, white, etc.

Yes obviously. Why wouldn't I be interested in a black guy? I'm just scared of them because they used to send me a glare so strong that if looks could kill, I'd be 6ft under. And that was just for looking in their general direction. And of course they'd be glaring and standing with their white or Hispanic gf. They also used to go on really racist rampages of how crazy and unattractive black women are in front of the whole class (even college age guys did this shit), and it was really embarrassing. Idk if black guys do it anymore because out of habit, I always avoid eye contact with them because I'm scared they will glare at me and try not to flirt with them whatsoever. But I do that for all guys now since all guys glare/get disgusted by me or get mad when I talk to them, even if I'm just talking to them in professional setting. Like this one guy I used to work with would cuss at me and get pissed off when I had to talk to him, and lie to my bosses about me so I'd get fired because he hated me so much, but he didn't do that to the other girls there (he was the only guy). He was white though. Being ugly and black sucks though, it makes people think it's okay to just treat you like shit pretty much. At least if you're ugly and white, you're seen as human by others still.

**TLDR for the lazy** Chances are, nothing we say or recommend will have an impact here. I just spent far too long skimming through pages of their comment history, gave up when I hit the 1350 mark. *(Laid up in a cast with nothing to do but scroll)* Comments I saw on almost every page had the same general content theme that prompted this edit. A self fulfilling pity prophecy, among other things. >Edit: real advice only please. No "no one is ugly", "see a therapist", "it's your personality that's ugly, not your looks", "stop victim blaming/self-pitying/improve your confidence" bullshit type advice thx **/End TLDR** As for the second edit >Edit 2: I forgot to ask, for those replying to this post, can you tell me how and where you found your partner? Especially if you didn't meet online/apps? The mother of my oldest I met at a baseball game in the neighbourhood we both lived. Years later, after separating, I met someone else on a chat program called Powwow (not a dating site) & we spent 16 lovely years together before growing apart. We still co-parent our youngest of 3 together. /u/JammingScientist Please, please, take the advice that people have given you. The issue isn't what you posted as a topic .

I don’t really have any advice towards the dating here but mainly your mentality, which should hopefully help with the dating. First and foremost, take the whole race out of it. I’m a black guy and have noticed that black women have this mentality that people don’t date them because they’re black, when that’s not the issue. If someone doesn’t want to date you, it’s because it’s you and not your race (unless they’re an actual racist). People may not find you physically attractive or think that you have compatible personalities, that’s not an issue. You may not be physically attracted to someone else or think you have compatible personalities, that’s fine too. However, lowering yourself down and saying that they don’t want you just because you’re black isn’t fine. It takes away from your strengths and makes it seem as if you don’t have anything to offer, despite sounding like an intelligent woman who takes care of herself. It also looks like the way you think about people also reflects how you feel about yourself. You clearly feel unwanted and out of place as a black woman so you believe that’s what other people think about you too, when it could be completely different from the truth. I don’t think you’re ready to date yet, which is why I didn’t offer dating advice. What I will say is that you need to create a healthier mentality and love yourself for how you are. You can complain as much as you want about being a black woman but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s how you were born and nothing can alter that fact. Work on bettering your mentality and everything else will follow. Best of luck!

U need to have more confidence. Confidence is absolutely the key to dating. Period.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were really that easy? Usually attractive people are confident because they don't get rejected that much and people like to be around them and talk to them. So of course they will be confident. I've literally seen shy/socially anxious attractive people on here complain that they hate how people always gravitate towards them and try to talk to them lmao. They have it fckin easy, it's crazy. People like me don't have it because no one likes to see confident ugly people, so they make sure to put us in our place so we know we're at the bottom on society. And also because being ugly means that people are ruder and more disgusted towards you, so obviously I won't be confident because why would I if I'm literally seen as a disgusting beast?

Confidence doesn’t have to be based on looks. Do u like anything about yourself?

Mindest seems super bitter, jaded and insecure. Change that shit and you'll have better luck. With literally any race, or any man. But until then? Nobody wants to date a bitter woman.

> Mindset seems super bitter, jaded and insecure. Change that shit and you'll have better luck. With literally any race, or any man. But until then? Nobody wants to date a bitter woman. Can I get an Amen !

You should post in r/blackladies instead of here boo

OP does not want honest advice from her peers. She wants to be the victim, find negativity to use as a crutch, and not look at herself as the issue, even though she's continuing to get the same results. They have a saying for people who do the exact same things over and over again, expecting different outcomes. Then when other well meaning black women, whom have experienced all the things she's searching for tell her it's not what it's cracked up to be, she will down vote you, and say a sarcatic comment about black women telling her to create a meaningful life instead of wasting time pining for a fairytale.

They'd honestly just downvote me and tell me that I need to be a "strong black woman" that doesn't need a man to her life. And that I should just get used to being single and find other ways to be happy in life. Because apparently it's a crime to want someone to enjoy life with 🙄

Girl what? It’s actually a very supportive group. As a 27 yr old black woman I will say therapy has saved my life and I encourage you to help heal yourself in any way you can.

Did you go there before or are you just racially stereotyping them?

How ironic.

I don't see the point of ppl like you going around and being negative on ppls posts. Like why?

I’m sorry for not joining in with your pity party. If it helps, I’m a black woman too and I don’t think your problems are so much your race, than your low self esteem. Your post history betrays that.

Yes obviously...Plz go away and stop making these shitty assumptions about me

You posted there and that was the response? I only because you seem like the type to give up socially before even making an attempt.

Man this is gonna get raw. The stereotype for black women on dating sucks. On the flip side south Asian men are in the same boat. On avg men don’t care for ur phd if ur Asian or white either in general. Men like big boobs and butt in all race of women mostly. But yes. The stereotype of the loud crazy black women is a thing out there. And it’s tough. Like to combat the masculine image u basically have to be hyper feminine.

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wdym she won't listen, she literally wrote all of those things.

Girl this is not the right sub for this

Holy fuck not this again. Can you please stop posting about this for the billionth time and get some help?

Ehhh maybe. You do realize you don't have to click tbe post right? I'm not holding a gun to your head or anything lmao. Don't like it, keep scrolling. It ain't hard. Like at all... So can you please kindly gtfo my post and leave me tf alone??? I'm allowed to rant wherever I want I just post this because apparently "all women" have it so easy dating, when that isn't true at all and it pisses me off when men say that dumb shit and it's fun to prove people wrong

I'm not trying to be rude, but this isn't healthy. Just look at your post history. That's not normal. People in multiple threads time and time again have given more than ample advice. What more do you want?

She wants to be loved fam. You gotta be patient with people who have a lot of childhood traumas they’re working through, and she’s clearly felt undervalued her whole life, to the extent she doesn’t feel proud of a PHD at a young age in a field dominated by people who don’t look anything like her.

Literally! It’s getting ridiculous now. They should ban posts like these

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Actually, I lowkey did try something like this recently lmao. Which is why I'm asking where people found their partners so it's easier for me to find my guy. I paid someone to do a spell to bring love into my life lol. Crazy I know, but I'm trying to stay open minded here. The person who did the spell for me said I need to put myself out there and meet people still so it's easier for the spell to work, hence this post. Because I have no clue where people meet guys

My gf did this before downloading the app we found each other on

During your whole life have you ever met a guy who expresses interests in you but you find him not attractive and reject him?🤔

I guess a guy liked me in 2nd grade, but idk if that counts. I didn't reject him, I just never said anything back (he didn't directly tell me he liked me, a friend blurted it out lol). I liked my other friend at the time. Some guys on reddit say they are attracted to me, but I don't trust that because I'm extremely ugly in person and I know they would NOT like me if they met me. Plus most live extremely far away from me, and I'm not interested in long distance things since I've gotten ghosted every single time I tried to "date" someone on reddit. And I want to hug and touch and see someone physically since I'm very touch starved

after looting through your post history your only solution imo is therapy. you’re wayyyy too insecure and people pick up on that kinda shit

Found the pictures from last year that another commenter mentioned. I think you look adorable. Looks are definitely not what’s keeping you from connecting with men (lots of ugly people get partners anyway, but you are not one). It must be some kind of mindset you are stuck in. Could issues such as depression you’re unaware of be in play? A depressed person can turn off people around them by coming off as flat affect. Or maybe you’re just stuck in feeling negative about trying to date in your current environment, naturally enough since it hasn’t been going well for you. How about doing something to try to break out of that stuck feeling? What about planning a trip to the Caribbean over the winter holidays or something? P.S. “Fix your self-esteem” “fix your insecurity” like others are saying is easier said than done. That’s why I suggest doing something exciting that can help break you out of the rut. (Along with therapy if needed.) Psychedelics could also be something to consider. Edit: just noticed you wanted to know how commenters met their partners. My answer to that is long, I have been through a very long dry spell the last years myself due to a combination of depression (both generally and specifically about dating, after a string of failed relationships), physical health issues, covid times, and what I now realize was fearful avoidant attachment that caused me to find reasons to strike most prospects off the list and to pick poorly when I did find someone interesting. The depression got better a long time ago, covid is over, the health issues are improving, and I’ve had some breakthroughs on the attachment issues. I don’t have a partner but recently I met someone on the apps that I’ve been on several dates with with more planned. That was a stroke of luck though, dating on the apps is 95% weird and awkward. I’ve found changes of environment to help get me past stuck points in the past, it won’t heal underlying issues, but it can give you a jump start.

Without seeing a picture I'm not sure what to make of this. Smart, nerdy looking girl that keeps herself fit... what's not to like?

I answered a similar question somewhere else in the thread, but I'll post it here too. Why does it matter what I look like? Why are you so quick to put the blame on me and tell me I'm doing something wrong. Yet when men complain about not getting women, everyone puts the blame on women and never say it must be his fault and ask him for pictures. It's very strange and annoying

You yourself said "guys are disgusted" by you and bringing your looks into it. If I said "everyone is angry at me" would you not wonder what I did? This sub is for advice and if your reaction to people trying to help you is hostility and defensiveness, then I don't think it's your face. And when a man posts the sort of thing you did, people may not ask what he looks like but they definitely tell him he must be doing something wrong.

Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at your post history to get more context. No one wants to talk about the dating hierarchy (especially when they are benefitting from it), but it does exist. I am an Asian male, and dating is tough for me as well. Black women are statistically valued lower on dating apps, just as Asian men are, because of negative stereotypes and how we are portrayed historically in media. Unfortunately, we can't change that, those are just the cards we are dealt. And judging by your pictures, you are definitely not ugly (plenty of people have also confirmed that in your comments). I think the root of your issues is how much importance you place on looks, and how little importance you place on personality, mental health and mindset. You said "personality doesn't matter if you are attractive" and there is some truth to that; shallow men will always chase 10/10s despite their red flags. But it seems like you are blaming every issue in your life is because you think you are "ugly", and it's everyone else's fault that they cannot see through that. And you are obsessing over it in, while downplaying and getting defensive over any advice telling you to work on anything other than your looks. Personality does matter. Quite a lot actually. People aren't all just shallow robots that judge people's value based on a 'hot / not' binary. Do you actually think you don't have friends because you are "ugly"? Or is it because people don't want to be around someone who is obsessed with looks and exudes negativity? Do you actually think employers and professors care at all that you are "not attractive"? Or is it because your personality is giving them a bad vibe because of how negatively you view yourself and, in turn, others? I used quotation marks because, again, you are not ugly. I have been friends with plenty of people that are way uglier than you. I have enjoyed working with plenty of people that are way uglier than you. But your lack of confidence and self esteem is the cause of your negativity / depression, and unfortunately, people aren't going to be attracted to that. And suddenly becoming prettier won't solve your problems. You said you avoid going out because of your looks. You said you don't have any friends because of your looks. You said you didn't develop a personality because of your looks. It will be very hard to be in a healthy relationship without resolving these parts of your life. If you can take anything away from this, you need acknowledge that there are factors beyond looks that is holding you back, not just in dating, but from being the best version of yourself. And to do that, you need to seek therapy; not many of us can do this alone.

You’re right, black women (and Asian guys) have it the hardest because of all this stigmatisation. My advice is that to fight stigma you need not only represent yourself you need to be present visible and actively giving variety of ppl chance to meet and interact. I don’t think however that it’s only down to race in your case. Personality, looks, location, profession also play their role. Well educated and outspoken girls also have it harder this can be compared to the problems short guys have. I am attracted to black girls, dated one, but I only got matched back two times over probably like three years period. I met my so online.

So you said “it’s unlikely that you will find someone into black women” are you just looking outside your race only like is that your goal? Are people of color an option for you? Also maybe cut back on the negativity. It can be hard for anyone to handle. I get how you feel and how you’ve been treated makes it hard, but people of all races are drawn to positivity. I don’t think it’s color sometimes it’s attitude and behavior that puts someone off. Start with a smile. Start there. Also I’m a black woman and date all races.zero problem if that helps you consider my opinion.

Just don't date.

No u

I concur with you. Alot of these people telling you "change this, change that etc" don't understand what it's like living in predominantly other cultural areas where the first thing they do when they see you is clutch their purse or cross the road. And the fetishism on BW online is astronomical. The amount of time's I've heard "I've never tried one of you before." or the similar connotations, whilst they want you to grind your standards into the ground, is too frequent. This sounds like you live in area where there's not much other black people or much diversity. If you have little no attachments to that area, move. Or if you're studying there, try a broadening your search in diverse places. You might find someone a couple counties/state/ towns away that will make it work until you finish your studies.

First of all, I went pretty deep into your profile and saw the pic you posted about a year ago. You aren’t ugly. You’re average or a little above average, especially if you have a nice body, which you seem to have. There are much less attractive women out there who have found love and dates. If you are getting ghosted and one word replies then people are showing initial interest and it’s the conversation that is turning them away. Second, you say you don’t want therapy but from your posts and your responses I’ve read, sorry you need it. Get over the stigma, old school values in our community, or whatever else is stopping you. Even if you get a date I don’t see it going well or lasting with your low self esteem and what appears to be veiled (badly, let me say- it’s pretty palpable even if you can’t see it yourself) and deeply rooted internalized racism/self hatred. We do face prejudice, stereotypes l, and many uphill battles both in and out of dating but that doesn’t mean everyone is automatically assuming those things of you. Perhaps change your social circles if you’re constantly hearing these negative comments. We are who we keep around us. Get out of those online spaces that speak negatively about black women and maybe take a social media break in general. I haven’t had any beyond Reddit for years and it has done wonders for my mental health. You don’t need Instagram to date in 2023 contrary to popular opinion. Those things you listed at the beginning of your post aren’t bullshit, they’re just the shit you don’t want to hear/aren’t a quick fix/can’t deflect away from. You seem very stuck in your opinions. Work toward attaining a growth mindset over a fixed one. Don’t worry about the boxes people put us in. Be you and you’ll attract someone who is attracted to you. Don’t worry about expectations of blackness and if someone holds them, let them disqualify themself from your dating pool, you probably don’t want to be with them anyway. Stop immediately disqualifying people because you’ve had negative experiences with people like them. That’s exactly what you don’t want people doing to you. Also, stop worrying about coming off creepy or weird. Practice talking to people and initiating, this will directly lead to more success in dating. Women who initiate rather than wait for people to approach are more likely to find partners that fulfill their needs because they are doing the selection rather than passively waiting for the right one to come by. This is coming from an educated black man who values education/intelligence in the woman he dates and predominantly dates black women. I’m quite physically fit, also a nerd, and I love those traits in women. I’m not intimidated by a potential partner out earning me nor would I be if she were smarter. From your self description, I’d be initially interested. What would turn me away is if the overall tone of your post is at all present in the way you present yourself. I wish you the best. I hate seeing intelligent/successful/beautiful (you are!)/*any* black women struggle with their self worth because they are listening to society tell them they aren’t worth much. I could go on and on about beauty standards, commercialization, all the bullshit. Society tears us up inside by design to profit off us and allow others to feel better by giving them someone to look down upon. This is nothing new, just the same vehicle with a paint job. I’d rather bike.

I just want to say, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it’s a sensitive subject and hearing people invalidate your experiences. Some people can’t comprehend that race is still an obstacle some people have to deal with. I suffered something similar (but no where near as bad) I’m Hispanic/fat growing up in the south with almost all white people in my schools. I thought I was the most unlovable person. But much like the other comments suggest, I had to shift my mind set and preferences. (This next part isn’t trying to be generalization, but just something I noticed with the mindset that there are exceptions) used to like Asian girls but they mainly date Asian or white in my home state. Same with most white woman. But the girls who liked me were more ethnic. Once I started Going after that group more and started dating, my brain almost completely forgot about my past insecurities. I also recently moved to LA where there’s a lot of all races around and it definitely has helped me tremendously.

I want to see what you look like please

she posted like a photo of herself like a year ago in the history. she cute. not saying there’s no other factors here, but lack of confidence is a key player.

Quite cute. Looks are not her problem.

mindset change: nobody is ugly because they’re black. Find attractive black women who look like you and take inspo from them eg. How they style themselves or carry themselves Next be open to dating people of all races. Don’t just use dating apps get out there. Your PhD is a plus. Immerse in your field, join clubs, networking, reach other ect. Also do the same with hobbies… Your not looking for someone who dates black women, you’re looking for someone who’ll date YOU because they like YOU. You’re struggling a lot and seem to also be projecting that onto your roommate/ and your blackness. I was like that as a kid and what helped me was filling up my social media feed with beautiful black women and following pages that posted black women who’s aesthetic I loved. Seeing and recognising and admiring their beauty made me able to see my own and feel confident and secure in myself. I realised that I’m beautiful as well as black and I’m not going to be for everyone and that’s sort of the point… I’m looking for the right person for ME. Op take care of yourself!

I assure you, your skin color is not a factor here. Plenty of black women in all shades who are happy and thriving in great relationships. Fix your mindset and go where you are celebrated

What?? Very disingenuous to say. Comes across as “Well, my Black friends haven’t experienced racism, so racism definitely doesn’t exist”. I’ve never had a problem with dating, but i’m not gonna stick my head in the sand and pretend like Black women are the most desirable race and it’s impossible for OP to experience roadblocks bc of that.

Lol if you are looking for ONE person why does EVERYONE need to desire you? Universal desirability is not a factor here

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>Female here Stop viewing your self like that walk into a room like your the one that lights up the room It's much easier to do that when you're actually pretty and wanted. When I do that shit, everyone tries to bring me down and make it known that my place is at the bottom, so I can't do that. When I used to have confidence and feel good about myself, people were still very rude to me, so it doesn't really matter. But I hope to start wearing jewelry and stuff when I fix my face/appearance to look good. But doing it now is just unhelpful because people don't like to see ugly people who have confidence

I'm white, beautiful and single all my life.

White ppl are usually single because of high standards, self-sabotage, or due to being crazy af. I only know one white person (50sF) who has dated but seems she will be single forever because she's crazy as hell and gets mad too easily

I'm sabotaging myself, and it seems you're doing the same to yourself as well by convincing yourself that nobody wants you.

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I don't think I have a RBF because people looove to come mess with me and give me shit, but I avoid any and all eye contact with men because I don't to be seen as creepy, especially since they never want girls like me to be the ones hitting on them. Only the pretty and white ones. So I just look down or hide myself. Also, my body is okay I think. I'm down to about 100lbs rn at 5'2, but I'm hoping to gain more muscle

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Yeah, I wish there weren't so many useless shitty people on apps because then people could use them to find people who are actually interested in talking to them and make it easier to date, so you don't have to worry about no eye contact or being unsure if someone likes you in person and embarrassing yourself.

No man can resist a sexy body. That’s is the only silver bullet I have seen work for women. This doesn’t mean that a sexy body will result in a long term meaningful relationship.

>No man can resist a sexy body Eww, I'm not trying to be seen as a sex object. I'm a person for goodness sake. I'm tired of people seen as a "thing" rather than a person by everyone. Why are you saying this? Black people are especially vulnerable to this and fetishized

I doubt there’s anything wrong with your looks but it does sound like you are very OCD and probably have a hard time realizing when guys are interested in you or how/what a romantic relationship is actually like.

>guys are interested in you Pretty sure the only time that's ever happened was in my dreams lol. Which is why it'd crazzzyyyy if someone actually did like me though. I know what a romantic relationship is like, I've seen my friends and ppl on reddit post about them

Always a victim 🙄

Everyone on here is boo 😘. Why tf are you even on this sub then lmao? Everyone here just complains about women

When I see a question like this, first that comes to my is probably they are talking of guys from different race. I don’t think black men won’t want to date you. If you are talking about them just trying to have sex with you, it has nothing to do with your race.

It all comes down to personality for me. I was willing to continue dating one guy but I was too vanilla for him i think. I dont like anal & he wanted that. The other guy I just didnt feel that way about him. I met my bf when I was 14. He was in a relationship with my friend at the time. Try speed dating.

Enough with these uber-posititve, cookie-cutter answers.... A simple rule in life for black people that other ethnicities won't openly admit: you have to be an above average/exceptional black person to be accepted and sought after. Physically gifted. Normal to below normal looking black people are as invisible in the dating market as basement dwelling white men. Add on the rough stereotype black women have accepted for themselves, you'd have to operate so far out of you M.O. just to attract an average guy. And we all know women aren't having any of that nonsense. The only practical advice is to date down. With enough empathy on your end, you may grow to like the schmuck.

What does M.O. mean? And yeah, I'm aware of this, but I'm hoping that maybe I can somehow trick the system and not have to deal with dating someone who treats me like shit and doesn't even like me but is only with me because he can't get anyone else. It's not that fair tbh. It makes me resentful seeing women around me with their bfs/husbands who clearly love and appreciate them. Especially since a lot of non-black girls seem to loooove to rub it in my face about how good their bfs are to them. Like my Asian friend used to always brag about how her bf would never make her pay for anything and how she was getting "so fat" from her bf always buying her food and taking her out and how he calls her everyday to tell her he loves her and how he pays for vacations for her and everything. It happens a lot. And I see many women get mad when a black woman gets more attention than they do because we're "supposed" to be at the bottom. It's disgusting. I want to show that I don't need to settle on someone who hates me, and that I can get someone good just like they can. I just need a little help with how to do it, hence the post. Where do I find guys like that?.

Pursuing or having a doctoral degree is not a sign of intelligence necessarily, evidenced by this post. The fact that a doctorate candidate is actually asking if "it is possible" to date being blackk is crazy to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware of the rampant racism in the dating world, but you seem to think being black is the sole reason no one wants to date you and let me tell you, just reading your post I can see actual reasons and not superficial ones like race.

Hi! I am an Asian women and since you asked me to give it straight to you without sugar coating, I am here to do that. I read that you don’t know why others don’t want to date you and gave the possible reason of being too loud etc. In my case, what you said is true. I have met a lot of Nigerian men here through Uni and at church and I like them as friends because they’re fun and I like the banter but I won’t date them because they are just too loud for me. They talk a lot over me and will somehow push their opinion and what they need or want to convey regardless of whatever I say. They talk too much and won’t wait for me to finish what I am saying most times. Kinda very impatient and I don’t like that. Now, I am not trying to generalise everyone. I am talking about my personal experience and opinion. Three of these guys asked me out and I said no because of this reason. I know three of them pretty well. One is a lecturer (33) at a renowned uni, one is a post doc (27) and the other one (28) is at PhD school. They are very disciplined and our values align. I am just not attracted to them taking over every conversation not just with me but with everyone. This is true with almost all the (black) people I know at Uni or church. Again some are more mellow but most of them are really loud. I am saying this just to make you understand what some people like and don’t like. This is my personal experience and opinion and does not represent my community. I have been asked by my friends why I am not interested in them and we have talked about this many times and my friends seems to agree with me about the loudness. However, this doesn’t mean people reject all black people because they’re loud. For some people being too loud might not be an issue. I understand that my cultural differences could also make me feel this way. We’re quite calm and soft spoken. So I naturally lean towards that. Anyway, I think you are so smart for pursuing a PhD in your field. That’s very attractive. I don’t know you so I can’t point out the positives in you cause I want to be real with you but I will say that you are very smart and that is a wonderful gift. I feel I am ugly too and life is just harder for girls that are not conventionally attractive in this society. It is what it is. But we all deserve love and respect and I hope you find yours very soon. I hope you try putting yourself out there more and be patient and optimistic.

Can I get tips for dating while purple? Please I'm desperate lol, joking

That's funny, white woman here, most people I've seen prefer black woman, not brown, not white, black specifically, you just need to meet the right guy, people don't like you? To hell with them! Have some confidence, I know seems bullshit but girl, you're a queen and deserve to be treated like one. Nowadays dating just became weirder and weirder, when I was 15 it was much more easier. Go out there and explore your possibilities, meet people, discuss, some will like you, some not, but you need to stand tall!

Tip one: Be attractive Tip two: Don’t be unattractive It’s not your skin tone unless you are trying to date non-black men then it may be an issue.

This person is just a troll. Everything has an excuse.

Sure thing bud

Hey here’s some actual advice that you can try out if you’d like. 1. Cold approaches Typically have a higher success rate. Offers you the opportunity to pick what YOU want. 2. Try changing your look. Might sound shallow but new clothes = new found confidence Dressing up might give folks who may have been interested in you to see you in a different light. This doesn’t mean change who you are, sexy black dresses look great but sexy librarian looks might fit your nerdy style. 3. Explore your hobbies Might meet someone with the same interests. If you don’t you’ll be doing something that you love and won’t settle for someone that’s not for you. 4. Have you considered a throuple relationship/ being someone’s third? See if your roommate is interested. She seems nice and so does her boyfriend. Feel free to inbox me pictures, interests and passions. Maybe me and my lady friend would like to get to know you better. Best of luck and enjoy the rest of your night!

You really tried to take a vulnerable person and suggest sexual acts? She clearly wants a serious relationship with her one person. Get your porn sick mind outta here.

To be honest, you are attractive. Thin... seemingly intelligent and well read. Are you attracted to black men? What types of men are you going for? I'm here to say tons of men would die to court you, but if you aren't looking out for them, then it's a moot point.

as a black woman, i find that it’s harder to date bc non-black men see me as something they fetishize, and black men don’t want to date me because i’m a strong woman who isn’t going to let them walk all over me. i’m 36 and single and starting to believe all of the evidence - black women and asian men are generally the least desirable - hype. im gonna give the dating apps one more go next year but after that, i’m guessing my person doesn’t exist and just accepting a single person’s future.

Maybe try being more submissive. That doesn’t mean being a doormat either.

I'm a white guy and I'm all about black women. I meet most of them salsa dancing. I think we tend to be attracted to what's familiar to us. I spent more time around black women and became more attracted.

You have to go outside of your normal social circle and explore those options.

This is how I feel as an Asian man. I take good care of myself etc, but yea I feel unattractive to the other races.

Am pretty sure it’s not as bad as you think. if you don’t believe in yourself nobody will.

if you’re not gonna do dating apps you’re gonna have some tough luck. dating in general is hard without an app but it’s especially hard and uncomfortable as a black woman.

Man I always hear so many people talking shit about black women but I think black women are fucking gorgeous. Focus on yourself. You'll be fine.

You’re not wrong. On the dating market, black women and Asian men have the toughest time on dating apps. Research has been done about it: https://www.npr.org/2018/01/09/575352051/least-desirable-how-racial-discrimination-plays-out-in-online-dating Stereotyping and racial discrimination happens in dating. There are outliers, of course. As women of colour, we have to deal with men who fetishise women like us. I’m an Asian woman and I don’t fit into that stereotype men have of us either. But not comparing us at all, just saying that it’s a different dating experience compared to our white counterparts. You’re an educated black woman and it’s hard to meet other fellas in the same industry as you. I don’t know how to advise on how to meet other people and date as a black woman, but I can tell you that dating is a numbers game. I’ve filtered out many men and dated many as well, based on fundamentals and the preferences that I have. I’m an atheist, childfree Asian woman who’s educated as well, and 34. By that definition, it’s assumed that it will be hard to meet other men who are also childfree and atheist/agnostic and want to date a woman in the mid 30s but I have had no issues finding men who want to date me. I end up having my boyfriend who’s an amazing person, he’s 32 and also shares the same religious and childfree standpoint as me. We are such a good fit even though he’s a real introvert and I’m the extrovert. People have preferences, and it all depends on the location as well. I live in a multicultural city in Sweden now (Malmö) and I see plenty of interracial couples everywhere I go. But the Swedes are pretty open-minded about dating across racial lines imo compared to other more conservative societies.

I don't have any tips for you and your question was also not directed my way. I just wanted to let you know that your experience and feelings are valid and that I truly feel sorry about your experience. Your words touched me as a woman since we have in common that we tend to project what's happening around us on ourselves and our values when we shouldn't. I want to wish you good luck and hope that the other commenters can give you guidance and help you a bit further in your journey. Big hugs from overseas <3

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No because you wouldn't ask any of the guys who cry about not being able to date on here for a picture. So idk why you'd need to see a picture of me. People seem to think that a woman who cannot date must be doing something wrong and put the blame on her. But a man who cannot date is doing nothing wrong and everyone puts the blame on women for being "too shallow" 😑

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The kind of advice I'm gonna give you is the one you deem bullshit. So...I have nothing to say

Cool, thank you. I wish more people did this. 😭 99% of the advice im getting on here doesn't make any sense or doesn't apply to me or are just plain false

Well first, it's nothing to do with the color of your skin so maybe adjust that viewpoint as the very first step. Judging by an earlier picture of yourself, you are not an ugly woman, so it's possibly the type of guys you are attracted too and you are just not lining up. Finding a relationship/love is very rare, in 35 years I've only met maybe 2-3 people who I've deeply connected with, it's hard, it's really hard. If you want something long lasting, you will have to try a little bit harder and not be scared of rejection or looking weird... if you just want to date and have sex and have fun, then dating apps will always be the best bet, it is full of people looking for sex and a good time to escape reality. I met my first love by chance, right time, right place, I was just out randomly drinking and I stumbled into her drunk and she fell over.. not exactly the best way to meet someone, but after that all it is, is confidence.. just speak? Having hobbies or interests with someone is the best way to start, but if you are attracted to someone, be careful not to send off friend vibes, keep it a little bit flirty and don't be scared to touch someone, if they make a joke or do something, it's not a crime to touch someones arm or give them a little bump, it raises sexual tension and can sometimes be the spark that a relationship needs, like lighting a match. In your generation and younger, you are all worried about being weird or coming across as "rapey"... P.s. nothing wrong with looking nerdy, just find yourself someone who likes you for you, none of this bs of black girls, cool girls, nerdy girls, white girls etc, it's all bs, you cannot control who you fall in love with, so enjoy it if it ever happens and in the meantime while you are waiting, don't be afraid to go on the odd date via tinder etc. I've met some very cool people on these apps that can give you very good experience physically and mentally. That's my 2 cents anyway... keep your head up and as I tell my daughter, don't ever call yourself ugly, it's the start of many mental problems which start a chain reaction. Confidence and self love create a blue aura of energy around you and others will be attracted to this, whether it's sexual or otherwise. Wish you the best.

I’m confused. I don’t know if you’re seeking validation or what but there’s literally no need. I looked at your account and I was expecting to see a beast but I saw a stunning photo of you! Literally beautiful! I would recommend you see a therapist bc I’m convinced nothing anyone says will make you see your beauty and worth. I’ve seen ugly and ma’am it ain’t you by a long shot, you’re not even in the line up.

I will date you right now. Shout me a message

65% Of people Usually Go with the “It’s A Preference” Route. And that is Totally Fine when it comes to dating so long as It’s mutual and not a one sided reason.

I think you’re just not attractive. Nothing to do with being black. Posts like these are so stupidly embarrassing.

Tbh I sense a lot of self hate, even if you don’t realize it. Regardless if ppl don’t feel attracted towards you, you shouldn’t belittle yourself. Until you can move past that, I don’t think much is going to change. Attractiveness goes beyond your looks. There are plenty of people who look average but still are in a relationship. You need to learn how to love yourself and your flaws first. I’m sure you’ve heard this before but “if you can’t even love yourself, who will?” Find ways to make yourself more interesting. Gain new hobbies, start a new routine, go to new places. If you only keep yourself in a bubble, you’ll only find the same people who criticize you. I’ve seen a lot of interracial couples where the female partner is black. Eventually someone will notice you. I don’t know how old you are, but I’m assuming not very old. You have time. Let things occur naturally. The more you try to find it, the harder it’ll be.

Sis, I say this with love, I think you need to take time to start learning what you love about yourself. What features do you really love? What personality traits? What accomplishments? What hobbies? Love yourself and build up your confidence and that will shine through, trust me. I'm Black American but I don't live in the US anymore. My long-term relationship ended recently and I started dating earlier this year. I can tell you, the months where I felt a little more lonely or a little more desperate, is like my dates could tell. In the last month or so I found my groove and now confidence around dating specifically (I'm not conceited, but I know that I'm still an attractive woman. Not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm cute). The difference in the quality of people in attracting is big. I'm not after money, or success or whatever in men, I'm looking for a good companion who I enjoy spending time with. There are a lot of them out there. So my advice, after all this? Work on improving your confidence and knowing that you're amazing and interesting. Build on that. Don't worry about what other people are doing because comparing yourself to others won't help your confidence. Everyone is different and that's ok. Focus on what makes *you* an interesting person.

Hey Op, I know exactly how you are feeling, for the longest time I was in that boat thinking I wouldn't find love because I'm also black and nerdy and a little on the chubby side. At first I thought it was just guys aren't into nerdy women and then at one point it became about race. No one at the time in person wanted to date me and on dating apps I would be ghosted within 3 days. I've also never been in a relationship prior to my search and haven't yet kissed anyone and i was 25 so you can imagine how frustrating that was. I focused on building my self confidence and self love and when I was ready again love kinda came out of nowhere, I was looking at successful bumble relationship stories here on reddit wondering why my matches weren't leading to anything when I got suggested the sub forever alone dating and I looked around on there and started chatting with some of the guys on their, 3 guys in and I found my current boyfriend and we've been together now for 2 years, moved in and planning on getting married in 2 more years. I know it might seem hard now because no one right now will give you the time of day but for me I felt the same and I unexpectedly found love when I was thinking my search was over before it begun. My advice, don't give up, keep looking and maybe you will find love too

I knew which account this was before I was done reading the post.. the issue is not your appearance, it’s your extremely low self-esteem/self-worth and possible body dysmorphic disorder. I think before you can have a healthy relationship you really need a good therapist who can help you work through your self-image issues But people have told you all this before and you don’t listen, so I don’t know what more we can say

Damn your post history is wild

Then don't look at it

Girl...you need to first change your mindset and how you view yourself. Develop some confidence. That is real advice, because you sound very insecure. The most attractive thing about a person is confidence—not looks. You said that you’re “thin” and “in shape”, but you have to realize that just because you may be thin it doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be getting guys hitting you up for your number. Fat people get dates too. I’m proof of that. There are plenty of people who are attractive outside of conventional beauty who lead fantastic love lives. Second, I’m guessing you attend a PWI, a which is why you mentioned white and Asian folks, plus you’re an engineering graduate student/in STEM, so it’s a given that you’re going to be feeling more alone. And if white/Asian/Latino is what you are surround by all the time, you’re going to feel ugly and unattractive and unloveable, I guarantee it. I know it because I also went to a PWI that had very few black students and it was easy to get caught in that narrative of feeling unattractive because everyone was dating each other except for me, a black student. It felt that way. But I made sure to stick with my folks, and that was where I started to build my confidence and feel better about myself. I’d recommend you getting in touch with the Black Student Union. Or go to the black welcome events for black students on your campus, those are very important and crucial for building community. Does your school have retreats for black students or conferences? Mine did. I went to those. Have you tried joining any clubs at your school for black students? You’re saying you don’t want to do dating apps, well, then that means you’ve got to put in some work. Join the black events on campus. Try going to happy hours in some bars in your town. Hit up the club on the weekends. Facebook might have some cool events if you look on some pages. Or Instagram. Or Meetup. Hell, maybe even Bloom. I’d start by seeing what’s going on at your school and then delve into the community. What are your hobbies? Do you like to skate? Find a skating group. Do you like to bowl? Go bowling. Do you like going to the beach? Go to the beach. Get out more, do things outside of school if you can. The way I get around dating while black is through the apps. But I also go to a lot of events. Kinky events has been my thing lately since I’ve been in the kink community. I plan to do some speed dating events at the bars here. By the way, I’m nerdy too. I’m socially awkward. People describe me as bubbly but I don’t let the awkwardness get to me anymore. I just laugh it off or freak out about it with my friends or therapist. And you say you don’t want to do the apps, but I don’t know...if you’re looking to get a date fast, an app will help with that. Have you tried BLK? I honestly wouldn’t recommend it for seriously dating anyone, but if you want to see what it’s like to date black people, who are likely only looking for one thing, then that’s your best bet or if you want something more serious, then I recommend Hinge. But anyway, yeah I’ve been meeting people through apps and kinky events. At my PWI I barely dated anyone in college. I dated 3 people, all black or POC.

I just saw your picture. You’re not even ugly. WTF. Whatever “ugly” means. You’re actually really cute. You have a cute nose and cute lips and adorable eyes. You need to stop calling yourself that. You’re not hideous or massively deformed. The thing that’s probably putting people off about you is you saying that you’re ugly and they can sense that. Either that or you wait for people to message your first. I’m deadass. You should really stop calling yourself that and be happy with what you have. And maybe get a therapist before you try stp start dating someone because you need to have confidence in yourself before you start dating someone else.

On one hand, some people are just not going to fit the societal standards of adulthood, like having a partner or children, maybe that's you. It's ok. On the other, like others, I looked at some of your posts and even empathized with your comments on normal looking people not getting what it's like to be truly ugly (because I am POC, akward and ugly) but then, I saw your picture and just laughed a little. Sorry, you are not physically ugly. I understand the trauma of wanting to be white or lighter, and because it does have a material component to it, I know therapy is not going to magically fix how you exist in the world. Still, rethinking your perception of yourself is important. I met a guy (at work), I was interested and so was he, but he always called himself ugly, described himself as dumb, described his penis as micro, his body as deform, none of this was true, he just made me feel like only an idiot would like him and I didn't want to be that idiot so I decided to stay friends. He also made me realize, that even though I don't say it outloud, I think the same of myself: ugly, uninteresting, socially dumb, and it makes sense, who would want to date me? No one. The few time I did have relationships, I met people through music and art, going to shows and doing both. I think that in those moments, I was just more focused on actually doing music or art and not really taking my social relationships seriously, they were secondary. Somehow, not caring just made the difference. At the time I didn't go through the trying better haircuts, clothes, getting in shape, working on my personality. If I think about it, after not being in a relationship for a while and wanting one, but also not understanding how people meet people (although I did in the past), going on reddit, following the get in shape, personality, haircut advice, things never looked worse for me. Like, I actually came to the conclusion that I might be asexual. Upon coming to this conclusion and going to a concert dressed in sweatpants and a huge old hoodie, a guy started talking to me (I won't say flirting because I never know) and asked me over to his house (maybe he was drunk?), I explained I was asexual and we just ended up chatting all night. Anyways, I'd say making a few friends first helps, mutual friends and kind of being a music nerd is how I started talking to the people I went out with.

I think being smart and in a phd program is intimidating. I’m not a black female though so I cannot relate to dating and race, but can say that I had to downplay my smart/high salary/job bc guys just generally feel intimidated by it especially at your age. You keep being smart though an don’t hide it. If guys are intimidated by that they will always be the small guy and not ready for you. There are guys that will love how smart and nerdy you are and they will be the right person for you. There are just less of them so you’ll need to be patient … I suggest making sure you always date a smart guy.

As a racially ambiguous gay man, I can’t really comment on the race thing, but dating sucks nowadays. Someone can pretend to be interested in me and then ghost me in 2 hours. Modern apps condition people to keep moving on and try to find the “best thing”

Zero pictures for reference

Just imagine someone really ugly. There you go. I'm not sure why you'd need a picture in the first place. You wouldn't ask any of the guys who complain that women don't want them on here for a picture. Idk why people always blame women for not wanting men, but when a women says she can't date it must be her fault, not men's fault