Your post was removed because your post violates the sub description. Relationships longer than 6 months post go to r/relationship_advice or if married r/marriage
Holy hell. Do NOT let him move in!
Please PLEASE reread your post like someone else is writing it.
Affection in the relationship is absent from him.
You are putting in all the work to try to make this relationship work.
He doesn't even focus on you during sex. (Girl, you're being used.)
He has financial issues and HAS to move in with you? (Girl, you're being used.)
Why would you want to be with someone that you question how attracted they are to you, how committed they are to a future, what they feel for you? Why would you want to be with someone that isn't prepared financially - when you are?
You are with a selfish child. Get out. Get out NOW.
I agree with this. Especially after moving in with someone only fucked our relationship and caused us to break up and break the bank to break the lease. This is the wrong reason to move in together.
You don't know a single thing about their relationship. People spend months or years speaking to highly trained professionals to try to untangle the complexity of their romantic relationship.
And you think you know for sure what is going on based on a single post?
Could the relationship be bad? Sure, maybe. But there is no way you would know that based only on this post.
You think it's a good idea to move in with someone under these circumstances?
Why continue with someone that you feel devalued with? She states that she feels shitty and unwanted. Why would you tell anyone to stay in that situation?
This has nothing to do with knowing their relationship. This is a response to how she's felt based on his actions. That's not something you work on - that's something you leave.
Either you're one of these bad news guys or you're just very naive. If someone tells you they're being mistreated and potentially used, you don't give them all the reasons to stay.
I didn't say that she should stay. I said that we don't know enough about her relationship to provide useful recommendations on this. And whether or not she should stay with him was not the question she asked.
>Why continue with someone that you feel devalued with? She states that she feels shitty and unwanted. Why would you tell anyone to stay in that situation?
Because we don't know why she is feeling that way. Is she contributing to the situation in some way? Is there a simple fix that could immediately improve her situation? Is she medically depressed or anxious and this is contributing to how she feels with her partner? Is she high in personality trait neuroticism which would make her prone to viewing things in a negative light? Maybe they just got done with an argument when she wrote this and her perspective is only a temporary one. Maybe he has his own perspective on why he is providing value to the relationship regardless of these potential flaws. Maybe she had a troubled childhood where intimacy was uncertain and she is projecting past experiences onto this one.
I'm not claiming that any of these things are the case. I'm claiming that we have no clue what the contributing factors might be from this single snapshot in time, presented from a single perspective.
People are the most complicated thing that we know of in this universe. Nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. Rushing to conclusions and advising people to jump ship at the slightest sign of trouble is not helpful.
You will feel devalued at some point in every single relationship you ever have. Should she just settle for never dating anyone ever again because it won't be perfect 100% of the time?
Feeling devalued in a relationship because you're doing the majority of chores one week, sure. I agree there.
Feeling devalued because your partner doesn't want to be affectionate, watches porn while having sex - and won't do it otherwise, moving in because they HAVE to financially? Creating an environment that makes your partner feel insecure and unwanted? That's not 'every relationship.' And this isn't the 'slightest bit of trouble.'
I think you need to reconsider your own choices and what's ok to stay and work on vs what's not. I hope you don't find yourself in something similar and think this is normal.
And yes, you are offering her advice - on how to stay. You posted on all the things she should do to work on this relationship.
It's incredibly common. *incredibly* common for one partner to feel rejected sexually within a relationship. In fact it is almost inevitable to some degree because people differ in their level of sex drive, so one person is always having less sex than they prefer.
According to her, *she* is the one that puts porn on, not him, so you can hardly blame him for watching it.
And we don't know what the communication between them is like. Has she brought all of the concerns that she is expressing here to him directly? We don't know. Does she constantly self sacrifice by assuring him that everything is okay even though it's not? We don't know. Has she asked him why he prefers looking at the porn? Or even confirmed whether or not he does prefer that? We don't know. Maybe he isn't dismissive at all, but instead she has unreasonable expectations about how much he should be doting over her. Again, we don't know.
It's easy enough to identify with the narrator of the story, but we simply don't know what it is like from his perspective. If the problem lies within something that she could be improving on, and you encourage her to just break it off without further thought, then you are not only robbing her of her relationship, but you are robbing her of the chance to improve the problem, so that she isn't cursed to bring it with her to her next romance.
I did not encourage her to stay. In fact I told her very explicitly to ask a trusted friend if she believes there may be a more serious issue. All I did was answer the question within the frame that she provided.
I spend 40 hours a week mediating conflicts between managers and employees in the workplace. And I can tell you without hesitation that you never get an unbiased account of the story from a single perspective. And you never get all of the relevant details the first time someone brings up an issue. She didn't tell this story to open an examination of their entire relationship. She told this story focused on a single element of it, which is malfunctioning. She didn't come here to talk about all the things that are going right, she came here to talk about the thing that is going wrong. So of course we are going to hear an account that focuses on the problems. We should not take that to mean that he never does anything properly. Why would she sit here and list all of the things he does well when she is just trying to solve this one problem?
I have spent a year as a volunteer at a woman's abuse shelter. Trust me when I say that I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. I most certainly would never tell her that her relationship is just fine and that she should stay based on what she has said. I know better than most that abuse can hide in the shadows. For all I know, things could be even *worse* than you are claiming they are. All I am saying is that four or five paragraphs is not enough to go on to analyze someone's year long relationship. And I don't see anything in here that would immediately raise cause for concern. Could there be? Absolutely. But the information that she has given us here does not imply that so far. So far, it only seems to imply a rocky period in an otherwise normal relationship.
Moving in together will just further the problem and make it more complicated should you guys decide to separate. Don’t move in together, firstly.
Secondly, if I were with someone who wasn’t enthusiastic to fuck me I’d find someone who was. Don’t waste your time.
OP, he could have a porn or sex addiction- that’s what came up as I read your post. Please read up on those, the signs or symptoms and how it impacts intimacy.
It’s not an easy road. I know we’re strangers but I would hate for you to stay and allow this lack of effort from his part make you try even harder to get that validation from him. It’s demoralizing. I know from experience.
Def check out r/deadbedroom
"..have been together for 1yr."
"Initially our sex life was amazing..."
"’I've tried initiating with outfits, during trips, nights ...
"..mid-day, all the oral, just however I could without luck.
"I’ve confronted him about the lack of interest in me...he’s remained adamant he is.
First of all, it's very common to have an *infatuation/honeymoon phase* for a budding *new* relationship whereby romance, passion, and sex is off the charts! The word "no" is never used!
However, people don't reveal their true "authentic self" and *actual libido* until months later.
He may have had 100+ sexual partners but not likely very many *serious committed relationships*.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in partner.
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for whatever you need.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
My guess is financially struggling, ADHD, and made to feel unwanted/shitty aren't on your list!
You've already invested one year of your life and jumped through hoops to *keep the magic* alive. I suspect you will come to regret it if you allow him to move in and *waste more years*.
Only *you can't blame him* because you'd be walking into this situation with your eyes wide open.
Don't fall into the trap of *romanticizing obstacles* or believing you'll somehow recapture the past.
There's a big difference between someone (needing you) versus them *loving/wanting you*.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** ― Paulo Coelho
***"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."*** \- Thomas Wilder
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
He's had multiple sexual partners and he's suddenly happy to go without sex at 33 years old? I'd put money on him sleeping with other women. You can't fix this type of situation and I speak from experience. The relationship isn't fine if you don't have a sex life.
I’ve wondered that also, he doesn’t really go anywhere that I don’t know of though, isn’t “dressing to impress”, not shaving or doing anything special to his appearance. Idk, I’ve been cheated on previously and those were kinda the indicatives in my experience.. but you never know. Thank you
my bet's on this. He might be so exhausted worrying about finances and future uncertainties that he has no energy left for sex, esp. since he probably sees your relationship as stable.
At least this is how I feel. All this inflation & financial insecurity has me constantly on edge. Past hobbies I used to enjoy now just feel like a waste of time, when I could be improving my work skills to land a better paying job or make myself more valuable to my current employer. My saving account shrinks everyday and when I'm 1 medical emergency from serious financial trouble, my subconscious can't relax enough to actually enjoy fun things (instead I constantly end up turning to addictions to temporarily distract myself from my permanent state of anxiety).
Yep, the point about can only get hard when it's porn is obvious sign. He's using it when you're not around which is why he might not be that interested when you're home!
Yes huge amount of men stay with their partners even tho they don’t enjoy sex anymore, because they’re emotionally attached + too domesticated to wanna go back into the wild
Buy a toy. Let him find it, he needs to see u in a new light sexually and know that u have other outlets, then u become a sexual challenge again. Atm you’re a chore
No. Its not her fault for not having more sexual outlets. Relationships do not work this way. Don’t force someone to like you or feel attracted to you by trying to be someone or something else. You are YOU and if his sick of it, tough. Move on girl don’t waste your time.
When he’s fed up of your new outlets what are you going to do? Go masochist to try and attract him. No. It doesn’t work that way, he has to put in effort to make it work to. You are not his personal pleaser. And if you are, he has to be yours too!
I am on the same boat. I really love my girl friend, she so sweet , caring , we share the same values. I am financially stable and a good looking guy ; but i am too tired to introduce myself to a new girl or even invest in someone new. Yes , i dont enjoy sex that much with her but she is good enough to be the mother of my children, a very good person indeed; and a relation doesnt only consist of sexual engagement. There are other things in life more important than sex. I would stay if there are no other issues.
Yes please read this ladies... they are right.
One small thing to add.... If you are the type of woman to constantly seem annoyed with light touch, it can lead to a point where all touch seems pointless to try for the guy. Apathy sets in with a series of rejections even small, seemingly unimportant ones.
Agree but in that case that’s the guys fault for making uncalibrated advances, she shouldn’t have a reason to be “constantly annoyed”. thats the usual reason for her losing interest
In a somewhat mature relationship I think it's more of a "connection" test. Not necessarily anything serious so much as an "advance" but if even light touch (holding hands, arm around waist, hugs etc.) puts someone off maybe it shows more of an incompatibility?
Just saying I've had times where a female partner only wanted physical touch at very specific times and while that's 100% ok it shows a bit of a love language mismatch with me. No one is wrong in that scenario but it's something that can help determine long term viability and ensure both parties' needs are met.
Get out now. If he’s only interested in you because he needs a place to stay, you’re in trouble. Old guy here. Seen this story too many times to count. Make sure your on BC and he is wrapping it up. Don’t know what he’s doing on the side and you don’t want to get pregnant with someone that doesn’t have any drive.
Don’t let him move in when you are growing apart. I also wonder if he is cheating. Frankly, it sounds like this relationship is over. Dump him and find someone else.
It's not underlying.. It's obvious. Porn is actually very detrimental for men. I'm grateful my man doesn't watch it and it is reflected in our intimate life! A lot of people don't even realize how badly they are abusing it!
THIS EXACTLY!!! Porn is a massive problem and most men have no idea how damaging it is. Lots of research on porn addiction and porn i diced erectile dysfunction. Men need to ditch the porn it’s messing them UP.
I didn't read the move in part. Good God OP, that is Hell no on move in. You have an addict in denial. and you are going to be an endless cycle of "okay, ill stop" and "i cant stop" and you will be stuck with a porno addict who prevent you from pursuing a healthy relationship because you feel sorry for him and want to help. Cut ties and don't move in OP
Tbh porn addiction does not exist. Sure you can have a very unhealthy relationship to porn, but you can’t be addicted to it.
There is no chemistry in the brain. You do not get withdrawals. You do not build a tolerance i.e. needing “more” or “heavier” porn. You can get bored if you watch the same video over and over sure, but you’ll still be able to get just as turned on if you switch to another couple doing the missionary. You cannot “not feel anything” of just two people doing the missionary after a while.
Addiction has to alter brain chemistry. Like drugs och gambling. You build tolerances for drugs. You won’t feel the same by winning 100 dollars over and over again, you will have to gamble larger amounts to feel the same thrill. Those are addictions.
I feel like men are just inventing porn addictions to make themselves victims. Oh I cannot get hard, that is not because I am nervous, that is because I suffer from addiction. Oh I don’t know how to listen to what my partner wants, I can only learn how they do in porn.
With all that being said, I totally understand OPs frustrating by having her head be a stand for her boyfriend’s phone while he watches porn. That sucks
Yea you need to first look into porn induced brain chemistry and then look into addictions. ANYTHING that can be a habit can be an addiction. Addictions are extreme habits and just about anything we do as humans can fall under that umbrella.
This happened in my previous relationship when I had a pretty bad porn addiction. When your brain is cycling through hundreds of women of all kinds, shapes and sizes, it habituates to loooots of "partners" cuz it can't tell the difference between the real thing. (Mirror neurons and Coolidge effect and all that.)
Not saying that's necessarily the case with your dude, but it's not unlikely. I don’t know if you guys have ever talked about your views on porn or whether you watch it or are okay with one another watching it, but might be worth the discussion.
EDIT: Additionally, if you're at this point one year in, imagine how it'll be in another five or ten years. There are people who stay together for their whole lives and remain just as sexually attracted the whole time. Of course you'll need to do things to keep your sex life interesting, but if that chemistry isn't there anymore, it isn't there. Even after quitting porn I'm still not attracted to my ex anymore. You should maybe aim to be with someone you don't have to pull teeth to make them want you.
>He’s struggling financially and has ADHD which he has shared contributed to his lack of drive.
Is he on meds? When a guy is struggling financially, that usually causes depression, and antidepressants are known for lowering, or outright killing, sex drive.
Now if his lack of interest is longstanding, I'd advise either therapy or just break up with him, as you're having issues with his behavior and that's an incompatibility there.
I also would suggest getting his testosterone checked as well. I had to hope on trt for 6 months to get a jumpstart again. It made a world of difference about drive and sexual appetite.
Something I also found out recently about antidepressant medication is that a side affect of taking them is depression.
I had a lot of financial issues in the past and can confirm it can really affect you mentally and physically dealing with it.
Sponge bob
Leach
Con man
Con artist
Taking you for a ride
Financial abuse
Parasitic relationship.
You got ‘love bombed’’< google it.
Maybe some trauma bonding has occurred for you not to see what the rest of us can plainly see.
Stop feeling sorry for him.
This STD King player litherio womaniser is manipulative and is most likely an emotional vampire who will continually drain you.
Please get support from family and friends and police involved if necessary.
Do NOT let him move in wtf lol. He's obviously a porn addict alongside cheating. My question is how aren't you able to see it? You're setting yourself up for failure. Please save yourself your mind and your peace and MOVE ON especially if you're not married and have no kids yet.
Sounds like a massive imbalance in the relationship. You are putting in all the effort and getting nothing in return. Think you need to have words with him about it and if nothing comes from it then time for you to move on.
Sweet Jesus girl. If your best friend just told you all that about herself what would your advice be?
Thasss right. Block him, change your locks, never contact him again.
Taste the freshness in the air?
You are welcome.
Also....get tested.
People here are saying he might be cheating. I think he watches too much porn. It ruins your sexual appetite, makes it difficult to get aroused/climax without explicit visual stimulation.
Guarantee if he stops watching porn for a couple of weeks, he'll be chasing you around the house.
The classic, he chases until he think he has you on lock and then goes to his true self. Everything you saw before is an act. Imagine dating this low effort guy from the start and respond accordingly. Men who do this depend on sunken cost fallacy to keep their laziness going. It’s only 1 year. Don’t let it turn into more.
If this is only after a year, can you imagine after 2,3,4 years. My friend, it's time to pack it up and catch the next train, because there is always another one coming.
Well you sound incredible so it’s crazy that he’s not interested. Life and stress can cause the sex drive to dwindle but this sounds more than that
100 plus partners is crazy!
At the end of the day. If you raise the issue and nothing changes and sex is important to you - leave and be with someone else. You deserve to be happy and feel desired
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This is a super tough thing to come back from. I’m in the same boat, & no amount of effort, no combination of words, not even borderline pleading changes it. It may improve for a week or so, but once the sexual stuff falls off, it’s usually gone. Could be a porn addiction - this is the case in my situation. And honestly? I feel like this has played a role in his loss of attraction to me, which by the way, he vehemently denies as yours does. Could be boredom since he has such a propensity for acquiring sexual partners.
Whatever the cause, I would urge you to walk away if/while you can. There are just too many people out there who would gladly meet your needs without porn, without pleading, without issue at all.
In my experience, (personal and vicariously thru multiple close friends) this is usually a bad sign unless he has some sort of trauma that sets him back sexually.
-I used to have a close friend and her bf stopped initiating or even caring what she was saying. He liked porn way more than being with her(even tho she offered to watch whatever with him bc she was open minded) he liked it so much so that he felt the need to keep it secret- they soon had a messy break up, then about a year or so later he got caught diddling k1ds and got questioned by fbi agents at his place of business. That guy always did have terrible energy fuck him.
I had a relationship with a 30m(i was about 21 then) and quickly found out in the first few months that he liked porn more than actually putting in any effort. At some point he fell back into his alcoholism and made sex impossible.
Thru time i snooped around and found out he only liked lesbian porn(however when i tried to bring another girl in the picture he harshly denied anything poly) It soon dawned on me that his p0rn addiction was bigger than whatever we had and he had ventured into watching mostly hentai- and that's basically impossible to achieve bc
1. 2d animation ppl aren't real sadly
2. Real ppl dont realy make that much annoying noise during sex
3. Bc he honestly wasn't worth working that hard for
I hope it doesn't turn out as bad for you and hope you either find that spark in him or w some other nice dude.<3
Definitely. This guy has had 100 previous partners who are also likely unsatisfied. You’ll be 101. Move on and find someone who doesn’t make you do tricks to get attention. This is very bad for your emotional well being.
Why would you think a man with 100+ previous partners by his early 30’s is a good pick for a committed relationship? That’s an astounding amount of sexual partners in a short time. That’s a hell no. It’s indicative of potential issues.
Definitely don’t let him move in, I had the same issue with one of my exs and he did indeed have a porn addiction. Tread carefully, cause you never know, the sudden cut off from being so sexual could have another reason that he might be seeing someone else to fulfill those needs.
I advise not to let him move in at all. If you are struggling with intimacy issues since you are apart I don’t think it will work out living under one roof. Plus you will resent him for his bad behavior when it comes to housework and finances. I don’t think this relationship will sustain you much longer. Also, don’t compare yourself from other women in his past who he slept around with. That is going to cause you so much anxiety and self esteem issues. Be confident in yourself that you won’t accept anything less than. I wish you luck!
ADHD in adults is different than children They sit in the spectrum between autistic and genius The way the brain is wired they can’t multitask as most adults do and can daily They can only work in one dimension or they get frustrated and lose it Having money issues and probably shouldn’t be drinking I have a son 30 with the same problems Once you fix the money problems that’s something he doesn’t need to focus on This may solve the problem But throwing too much at him is not going to work Its like driving a bus and your going fast and picking up speed and when you try braking there is no fluid to slow or stop the bus No matter how hard you pump it That was an analogy an ADHD paediatrician gave us when he was a child of how his brain works He is a master at work only a perfectionist .Things of interest a genius Just don’t overwhelm with too many insignificant thingsJust keep thing uncomplicated and good luck🌺
Good afternoon, you!
ADHD is not something to take lightly and people who suffer from ADHD experience a wide range of mental problems. This isn’t to say people with ADHD aren’t datable and should be avoided. Instead, people with ADHD will need extra attention and patience from their significant other.
Like most relationships, infatuation usually comes with an expiratory deadline, and people with ADHD are no exception to the rules.
However, people with ADHD will almost always have it much harder than others to keep the fire ablaze after the exciting season of a relationship dies down as they lack the mental energy to do the necessary work to keep things going forward.
A guy or a woman having over 100 sexual partners is a problem in itself and these people have it much harder to function normally compared to those who have had just one sexual partner in their lifetime.
I don’t know exactly what to advice you on here as I strongly believe you have found yourself with someone whom I might not be able to help with.
Please don’t put yourself through this pain. It isn’t worth it. I was in a relationship like this and it turned out to be a porn addiction. Worse yet, he was a covert narcissist and I didn’t pick up on it until several years into the relationship. He seemed like such a “good guy”.
They love bomb you at first. Tell you how great you are and the sex is all amazing and stuff. Then they start to devalue you. That’s when they withhold things that you want. Sex and affection, for one, are withheld as m and to have control over the relationship, then manipulate you into thinking that you’re insecure.
They will use you in any way they can financial, emotional, mental… it’s all about supply. Even if you think you’re getting along, just wait till you put up a boundary….
I’m not saying you’re with a narcissist but you’re describing is love bombing/ devaluing. Next, comes gaslighting, using your resources, discarding, rinse repeat.
Don’t move in with him if he’s already withholding sex in favor of porn. You don’t need that.
Doesn’t sound you’re getting anything from this relationship so why continue. People should be in our lives because they add something good to it. And we also add to theirs. 1 + 1 = 3. Yanno?
Yea this is crazy, idk how people don’t realize they’re with someone who isn’t even remotely worth the trouble lol, there are a million guys if not more that would be over the fucking moon to be with someone who puts in half as much effort as this lady is doing…meanwhile this guy is doing Jack shit LOL. Please have some self respect and dump this dude lol
I think you need to have a very candid conversation with your partner. He might be totally telling the truth, and it’s other factors such as stress that are lowering his sex drive. Happens all the time, but you guys need to have honest communication about it.
It is ok for this to be a dealbreaker for you. Wanting to feel wanted, and having an active sex life is not shallow or less important than the other factors that go into a relationship.
In this conversation if you realize these other factors are the cause, it is reasonable to ask for a game plan to get back on track.
Honestly, if you aren’t able to have those conversations with your partner, then the relationship might not be all that healthy. And if he feels like there isn’t anything to be done or he doesn’t see it as a problem, then it’s ok to move on
Yes, I hate fucking my girl but she pays the bills and I moved in with her to save money so I gotta fuck her. He’s just with you to save money he will dump you when he finds another girl, he prolly already cheating.
Same thing happened in my relationship. They had 100+ partners. I was longest relationship. Sex started to die after just 6 months but we were together 3 years. Could be that he has an avoidant attachment style where intimacy scares him so he’s withdrawing. Could be he’s not emotionally attracted to you anymore. My ex said they weren’t in love anymore.
Oh HELL no!
Run girl!
Take a break and let him sort himself out financially. Take time away to recalibrate what you want from a relationship. Starting with a partner that is physically attracted to you and can show it.
Find yourself again and be single. You don’t have to get a new relationship, just get back in tune with yourself.
If you let him move in, you see setting yourself up for a whole new level of hell.
Moving in for financial reasons could turn you into roommates instead of lovers.
That aside; medication, stress, and honestly his age can all be factors. I have a normally high drive but I was on antidepressants for a while and I was rarely in the mood and it was near impossible to finish. At first I was very embarrassed and isolated myself from my partner. Once I realized why I was having the issues I talked to my partner and my doctor. Please do not ever blame yourself for this issue, it isn't your fault. It isn't your weight/ size. It is just part of getting older as a male.
I’ll tell you the same thing I’d tell my own daughters. It’s a red flag situation… it seriously sounds like he’s using you to bail him out of his financial situation to me. Please be diligent that he is not taking advantage of your affection. Be careful to not give him enough rope to hang both of you, before you unhelp him.
This will sound harsh, but...
Wake up, you're a convenience. You're doing ALL the work with nothing in return. Don't have him move in, you'll only end up getting hurt more.
Re-read what you just wrote, and ask yourself, what is he bringing to your life that adds value, because from myperspective, you're getting nothing but your self worth shredded.
I think he might be depressed about the finance things and taking the ADHD thing as a mental prison to not putting too much into moving forward. I used to be very depressed because of my finances and things just weren’t working out and it did affect our relationship sexual as well. She asked the same questions you asked. However, i just didnt feel the drive for sex cause iw as too busy trying to figure out how to take the financial burden off of her. As a man i hated having to depend on anyone but myself. Now i make more than i ever did before and im able to happily provide for both of us and get her whatever she wants and we have sex like animals every other day! So ask him how he feels about the financial situation and if he feels depressed about it and just doesn’t like to talk about it. Dont take advice from hurt people because you might just lose a good thing due to a troublesome phase.
OP, as a guy with ADHD I want you to consider these scenarios:
* He can't pay attention during sex. He literally can't. I recall doing this once, my then girlfriend turned on a TV to muffle our noises... And I couldn't not watch the TV while we were on the deed 🙈 I had no idea I have ADHD back then, nor I realized I was doing it until she called me off. There are... There have to be strategies to keep him focused, but outside of medication I cannot think of any.
* Depression and anxiety are common comorbidilities when you have ADHD. Those can and will make him unable to focus his mind on you as much as he wants to.
I would... Not nag, _push him_ to get him seen by a doctor. This is gonna affect his life in many ways, including his love life.
I don't want to discard him cheating, I have no grounds to say he's not. But I'd give him the benefit of doubt first.
Discussing personal matters on Reddit is like Googling your symptoms. Even a minor rash can be called cancer by some folks here. If I were in a relationship, I'd try every possible solution before even considering leaving my partner. Leaving hastily when you once believed they were the right choice kinda questions your own judgment, doesn't it?
Men are usually pretty simple with three main things on their minds: 1. Sex( physical touch) 2. Food 3. Respect (if we had to choose one between being loved and being respected, we'd pick respect 99.9% of the time.)
Unless he's got some secret fetishes he's not telling you about, it sounds like the first one is covered in your relationship (props to all the awesome girlfriends out there). Maybe see how things go with the other two: whip up a meal he loves and see if that changes things that day(it's an act of service) The third one, respect, often circles back to the first two, so just make sure you're being thoughtful and respectful, especially around friends, family, and neighbors(which I bet you already are), AND instead of criticizing what you don't like about him, try complementing what you like about him, it'd encourage him to do those things more often(words of affirmation). Also, see if he's on any meds you don't know about. Some, like antidepressants, can mess with libido. If that's not the problem, maybe play a little hard to get. Sometimes, a bit of a chase can get things going. If that doesn't help, couples therapy might be the next step to address his worries and any temporary bumps in your relationship. If after all that, things still aren't good enough for you, THEN maybe think about discussing a breakup. Just remember to value yourself and don't settle for anything less than what you think you deserve. You both deserve to be loved and respected. Whatever happens, sending good vibes to both of you. Hope everything turns out well.
If you were to meet him for the first time right now would he be checking off all your boxes for a relationship? If not put the brakes on, don't go any further. Are you desperate or has he just become a habit? His moving in is not going to improve your relationship. It will slowly deteriorate and then you'll have a really hard time getting him out of your place. He can't take care of himself. Don't let him move in.
he may see you as a good friend and a potential bestie, but the point that he gets hard on porn and not with you, there's sth off about that. maybe by having a good unrestrained talk about you being friends only sharing no sex would open some talks about your suspicions. then further on knowing his intentions and what he has to say, you can decide whether to be with him or not.
and I know you feel insecure and you keep comparing yourself with his past experiences. but trust me and I'm talking from experience, it's not about you darling.
Be safe.
A year is a short time to have issues already, BUT depression and anxiety suck and can really disrupt.
So you can still move forward with caution.
You need to be very clear that right now you are feeling unseen and unwanted and frankly unsexy. Let him know you understand his reasoning but it doesn't change the fact that this disconnect isn't sustainable in the long run.
Is everything else about him worth it? One year is a short relationship. If it feels long already, that is a bad sign. If this is one more compromise of many, it may have run its course.
If you do decide to still have him move in and try, he NEEDS to sign a sublease. I'd say start with 6 months. Be honest. If he complains, be honest about why he cannot just move in casually with nothing in writing.
This 6 months can in a way be your timeline for how long you are willing to work with him and try. It needs to be legal and notarized, so if you break up, you can legally evict him when time is up. You don't need to tell him this, but after a bit, you can drop an ultimatum. 3 months more and you are done, etc. If things improve, do one year subleases.
Whatever you choose, you don't want to risk a squatter ex who loses you your apartment or wont move out for "financial reasons."
You also don't want to risk him taking advantage of you financially if he isn't on the lease and suddenly stops paying rent.
Before you move in (this is always true), make sure you know each others expectations about how it will go, even if they eventually change.
How are you splitting expenses? Rent? What is your cleanliness expectation? Who will do what chores? Etc. It's good to at least get an idea. For our first year, we used Splitwise for any shared expenses to make sure things were even. Now at many years in, we don't bother, but it was good for preventing financial resentments while we learned how to share life.
Then you have to set some boundaries. Again, this isn't sustainable so, he needs to show that he is making a real effort. Whether that is self-help, therapy, medication, whatever. Effort and progress is essential. Don't accept excuses or procrastination on that.
You also need to decide what would happen if he never got to a place that was similar to you. Do you leave? What is your last straw? What do you need? Do you open the relationship? Decide now what your boundaries are and be prepared to honor them when things get tough.
Your whole life is being mismanaged. Don't let men live with you. Don't watch porn. Don't waste your beauty years. Don't chase men for scraps of affection.
Take your power back.
I’m sorry that you are going through this, first off. Have you tried love language idea or love busters? Typically working on knowing each others love languages putting practical strategies in play increases the physical intimacy aspect of the relationship. If there are skeletons, hurts, contempt, criticalness you’ll have to tackle them head on. Hope that doesn’t sound preachy
Jesus the comments
So much hate for the man.
If the genders were reversed on the post many would be giving advice and not telling OP to break up.
I’ve seen the same exact post on Reddit but with genders reversed.
Why is no one asking OP to check if the BF is depressed? He’s struggling with money. Lack of sex. It could mean he’s depressed.
Do not let him move in cuz he’ll ruin your finances too.
Although I will say this, as a female with ADHD, sex can be a bit difficult because during the act our minds will drift to other things and that can cause us not to get off. Also ADHD especially when unmedicated is so draining on our brains that when we get home, we just want to relax and do absolutely nothing. So my suggestions is for him to either get on some meds or he needs to learn coping mechanisms in order to deal with his ADHD if he chooses not to medicate. Also as his girlfriend, please read up on ADHD and relationships/sex. I know for me personally, I feel good when my partner takes an interest and reads up on my disorder because it allows him to navigate easier and understand my problems and situations better with my condition. ADHD is more than just a hyperactive disorder.
Take a moment and look at what creates trouble there. Money trouble, stress , adhd. Is he taking medications, using recreational drugs? Drinking ? Chemicals and depression create havoc. If these are not factors, you have issues. A strong bond is required to go the long haul but sex is important, and you have a lot of years of libido left.
Take him to the doctor and get testosterone checked 😘 Men like sex. Those pounds don't matter my dear.. trust me
Why are you with this guy? You put on porn then he just fucks you? You don't see how degrading that is?
You need to work on your self esteem. You can find a better guy than this in a week.
Hey 👋 175lb 5’5 girl here. I would say GET OUT.
I moved in with my boyfriend over the summer and the sex STOPPED. He says he can’t mentally get sexual with me because of the weight I had put on after we started dating. I’ve went on keto, workout 2-3 a week strength training for an hour and have lost quite a bit of weight these last few months. Still nothing. No sex. Makes me feel like nothing more than a house maid.
Save yourself the massive headache… Break it off. You can always DM me if you need girl chats.
Hyposexuality, the opposite of hypersexuality, can also arise from ADHD itself or as a side effect of medication.
You stated that your boyfriend has ADHD. I think this is a rational explanation for his sex drive. Please investigate this with him and a doctor.
When you commit your partner is 100% your sex life. YOU are too young to accept a sexless relationship, these are old people problems. There are men out there, my brother is one of them, that thirst over curvy women. He married a curvy woman. He has no interest in the alternative. Yes, there are men that want thin women, but there are also men that LOVE something to hang onto. Ps. I am a lean woman & I also prefer men that have a little extra padding. Don't discount yourself into thinking you will not be loved for the way you are.
Dear SO: 165 to 170 pounds is not a problem - this is not an unattractive body - in United States 165 is the average weight for women - just as many women weigh more than this as weigh less
And you want a guy who is thinking “I want to share intimate experiences with her” - and these men are looking for you, this is reasonable to expect. You don’t want a guy who analyzes whether you qualify to be with him.
oh this gave me such anxiety to read.
you mentioned your weight which i interpreted to be an insecurity , which pains me , and i feel like you might be accepting treatment that is beneath you bc of it?
bail out girl , you're so young, don't waste more time.
Hey, it really sounds like you’re partner is porn addicted. Many signs, like stopping to compliment you, „just using you to finish“ while the only thing that makes him hard is porn. If you want to continue with him, try to open the door for him to speak up. If he doesn’t take the chance to be honest, he is not ready and needs to work on his addiction first. Don’t take this personal, that’s super important. It has NOTHING to do with your appearance or attractiveness. It is his addiction. Not yours. I was with a PA for three years without noticing and I learned this lesson, it has nothing to do with you. Please don’t question your selfworth.
Ok I'm going on the ADHD side.
Even if ADHDER may experience sexual dysfonctions (distracted and losing interest during sex, losing interest into engaging cos we wanted it 1 hour before and it wasn't the right time) , but people with ADHD tend to have a higher sex drive.
https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/17/9/1653/6973877?redirectedFrom=fulltext&login=false
Depression can be a better reason for the lack of sex drive, but then, is he doing a anything to get better?
You also said he had 100+ partners, you're probably his longest relationship.
The issue is coming from his side, but it doesn't seems like he want to do something.
It's tie for you to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. From my outside point of view, you're living with a freeloader roommate .
Something ain’t right here. I am in a really stressful part of my life right now, with work and family, it’s all very hard. I have been with hundreds of women. I have ferocious ADHD. I thrash my woman sexually on a regular basis. We have tons of sex, and we both initiate equally.
The only reason I wouldn’t initiate in that situation is if I wasn’t aroused. The only reasons I can imagine for that would be either that he’s not aroused by you bc you’re not in shape, or because he’s using you for something and he’s not into you at all but it “makes sense.”
I would definitely file this one under “do not proceed.”
Ditch him. A guy who does not want to keep fucking you within a year is not long-term material. I am 32/m, enjoy waking up with a blow job, and love to be with a woman I'm very fond of who goes the extra mile. Stay positive. You will find Mr. Right.
Disappointing suggestions on this thread.
Thinking from a guy’s perspective.
Men are at their sexual peak at the age around 20-22, whereas for women it’s 30-35.
Porn plays a big part. Maybe he is attracted to you but his body is used to be seduced by porn.
Plus financial stress makes it worse.
Ask yourself,
1. Was he the same without the financial stress?
2. Does he talk to other women?
3. Does he take care of you and show affection outside of sex?
4. With adhd, has he got his hormones tested? This could be the onset of depression.
5. In some cases, Men tend to see porn and not indulge with partner because of the fact that there are no expectations of reciprocating in porn. Whereas with a partner there is an expectation and their mental health makes them lethargic and uninterested in reciprocating.
First off, don't listen to the people that immediately jump to "he's using you" or "he's cheating on you".
They don't have enough information from this post to make that determination. They are projecting their fears and traumas onto your relationship.
If *YOU* believe he may be cheating on you or may not be good for you, then you should seek advise from people that actually know you in real life and trust to make well measured comments on your relationship.
To answer your question, fixing your relationship and sexual intimacy is going to take a lot of "unsexy" work.
First of all, you should read books that were written specifically to answer this question from people who have worked with couples to fix these types of situations. Do not underestimate the value that a book can have in improving the quality of your relationships.
Second, you need to communicate with him openly and honestly about what you want. And you should encourage him to communicate openly and honestly about what he wants. It is far more difficult than most people realize to say the truth of what you want. We aren't simple creatures, and a lot of times we don't even know what we want. And when we do know what we want, we're scared of telling people, especially the people closest to us.
Third, you need to negotiate about what each of you wants. Maybe he doesn't like sex at a certain time, or in a certain way. Maybe he wants sex once per month and you want it four times a week. You need to establish understanding about what each of you wants and what would be reasonable to ask of your partner.
Fourth, carry through. Even if you aren't in the mood, or he isn't in the mood. Commit to what you decided and do it. It might be bad at first, it might be too much or too little. It might be awkward or boring or scary. But you need to keep doing it. Healthy intimacy, like anything else, takes practice and commitment. Eventually the two of you will find a rhythm where you learn to turn eachother on again. And then after much practice and adjustment it will start to feel natural and effortless again. It may not feel exactly the "same" as when you first started dating, but it will be just as good.
When we first start dating, the "honeymoon period" makes everything feel exciting and intense. But that is just a free sample, a preview. After the honeymoon period ends, you have to work for your relationship to be as good as you know it can be.
This confidence boost should be coming from your partner.
If you can’t communicate your needs and he can’t hear them and work on them with you, you don’t have a relationship.
My goodness, do not let this guy move in because he is financially struggling.
YOU want him to move in because he wants to.
Why are you not having the relationship you want and deserve?
The person you are with should be supportive and encouraging! Especially when it comes to your boundaries.
This guy is using you, making you feel shit about yourself, and doesn’t care that it’s impacting you.
What are you doing??
Unless you’re very muscular, you’re objectively overweight. Whether you want to do anything about that is up to you, but you’re only “normal” insofar as the fact that most of the population of most high and middle income countries is overweight. I know because I was that size at the beginning of the year.
lmao its always "find someone who will treat you like a queen" HAHA. Listen u/Brimstone__, this chick has no dog in the fight. U dump him and go looking for prince charming and she gets to feel smug about giving advice, while you're heartbroken and single. Don't take this nonsensical advice where there is a magical prince out there that will move mountains for you. Talk to him and try to figure it out because more likely than not the next 'prince' will have red flags that show over time as well rinse and repeat
After only a year and he is like this? There are so many men out there who would beg to be with you all day, every day. This man has issues if he is like this. Take care, you deserve better.
lol u dont even know her. Why are u so confident that she's a catch and that anyone would be lucky to have her. If her bf posted would u say the same? Its a catch all feel-good sentiment but not rooted in reality
Being 5'1" and 170lbs is not just a little bit thick? That's a bmi of 32.1 which places you well into the obese category.
Not trying to judge, but were you that way when you met? Some people might say they are attracted to spare your feeling and not hurt you, when in reality they struggle because you've changed.
there's your answer. Lose weight. Sorry to be blunt, but no BS. Women to be attractive requires very little: **don't be fat.** From there, in \_virtually\_ all situations you'll be sexually appealing.
That being said, if you lose weight and he still doesn't approach. Then he's got a porn issue or something else. And also that being said, if he's overweight, he \_ALSO\_ needs to lose weight.
Whenever I see these posts I always think "welp, she's fat" and I searched the posts and found what I expected to see... no surprise. Sorry to say this but this is a truth of life you should learn sooner than later.
Are you mean to him? Do you cause him stress? Do you bring him peace? From a guy’s point of view, this means A LOT as far as sexual attraction goes. I’m not saying you’re the whole problem, but there’s a possibility you might be a solid portion of it.
I get that, fair point. Physical intimacy is just important to me.. not a great childhood and not much affection throughout my life, it’s a sad thought of going through more of life without it, the trade off is someone I get along well with otherwise though, you’re right.
I agree it's an important part but shouldn't be all about sex. Honestly it seems like he's used to having a lot of partners and now getting bored with you. I would think about leaving him if it doesn't improve, but if your relationship is really good in other areas maybe that will make up for it
I'm more curious about the conversation you had with him about you feeling unwanted and unattractive. If he said he still finds you attractive, he's probably being truthful but only halfway. You said he's struggling financially - for many men, finances and the "ability to provide" can be a big part of their masculinity. If he's feeling emasculated, he won't be as interested in sex. So even if the attraction is there, him feeling depressed and down might make it harder for him to enjoy or become interested in sex at all. I think you should give it more time to communicate and have some serious sit downs with him before just breaking it off if you want to try to save the relationship.
So sorry to read that. You sound so sweet. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and desired sexually. Watching porn while f*vking you... no. Sorry. Please stop accepting this, I hope you find the strength to go back out there what you deserve it waiting for you 🙏🏾
Get out while you can!!!! Seriously! Right now. You deserve much better! It’s the same advice as many others. Life is precious. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t appreciate you fully.
Threesomes
Men need variety. We're not wired to be with with one partner.
He obviously loves you but he will leave if you don't add a little spice to the mix
I married a man like this and put up with it for 15 years. Absolutely, not! If he has no sex drive he needs to get help or be honest. Do not let someone move in if your already having these issues. You will for ever be unhappy because in a relationship sex and physical touch is crucial.
>Otherwise, our relationship is fine
No it's not. It's often a symptom of something else. My ex stopped wanting to fuck me not much later than a year and a half into the relationship(we fucked like rabbits the first year). Aside from a quickie about 7 months before she left me for someone else, we never had sex again. I was with her for 7 years. Staying with her longer than 2 or 3 years was a big fucking mistake. Thank fuck we never lived together.
GTFO now and whatever you do, do not let him move in. It will never get better.
Your post was removed because your post violates the sub description. Relationships longer than 6 months post go to r/relationship_advice or if married r/marriage
Holy hell. Do NOT let him move in! Please PLEASE reread your post like someone else is writing it. Affection in the relationship is absent from him. You are putting in all the work to try to make this relationship work. He doesn't even focus on you during sex. (Girl, you're being used.) He has financial issues and HAS to move in with you? (Girl, you're being used.) Why would you want to be with someone that you question how attracted they are to you, how committed they are to a future, what they feel for you? Why would you want to be with someone that isn't prepared financially - when you are? You are with a selfish child. Get out. Get out NOW.
This 100%. I’d rather be alone than stuck paying the bills for someone who doesn’t even want to be with me
Agreed. Letting him move in will be a mistake!
This. Just listen to this advice. As I read your post, I question why you’re with him…
I agree with this. Especially after moving in with someone only fucked our relationship and caused us to break up and break the bank to break the lease. This is the wrong reason to move in together.
You don't know a single thing about their relationship. People spend months or years speaking to highly trained professionals to try to untangle the complexity of their romantic relationship. And you think you know for sure what is going on based on a single post? Could the relationship be bad? Sure, maybe. But there is no way you would know that based only on this post.
Guy has over 100 previous partners...that should be enough to run.
While I agree, I was raked over the coals on a previous post when I said I don’t want a guy with a lot of previous partners
You think it's a good idea to move in with someone under these circumstances? Why continue with someone that you feel devalued with? She states that she feels shitty and unwanted. Why would you tell anyone to stay in that situation? This has nothing to do with knowing their relationship. This is a response to how she's felt based on his actions. That's not something you work on - that's something you leave. Either you're one of these bad news guys or you're just very naive. If someone tells you they're being mistreated and potentially used, you don't give them all the reasons to stay.
I didn't say that she should stay. I said that we don't know enough about her relationship to provide useful recommendations on this. And whether or not she should stay with him was not the question she asked. >Why continue with someone that you feel devalued with? She states that she feels shitty and unwanted. Why would you tell anyone to stay in that situation? Because we don't know why she is feeling that way. Is she contributing to the situation in some way? Is there a simple fix that could immediately improve her situation? Is she medically depressed or anxious and this is contributing to how she feels with her partner? Is she high in personality trait neuroticism which would make her prone to viewing things in a negative light? Maybe they just got done with an argument when she wrote this and her perspective is only a temporary one. Maybe he has his own perspective on why he is providing value to the relationship regardless of these potential flaws. Maybe she had a troubled childhood where intimacy was uncertain and she is projecting past experiences onto this one. I'm not claiming that any of these things are the case. I'm claiming that we have no clue what the contributing factors might be from this single snapshot in time, presented from a single perspective. People are the most complicated thing that we know of in this universe. Nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. Rushing to conclusions and advising people to jump ship at the slightest sign of trouble is not helpful. You will feel devalued at some point in every single relationship you ever have. Should she just settle for never dating anyone ever again because it won't be perfect 100% of the time?
Feeling devalued in a relationship because you're doing the majority of chores one week, sure. I agree there. Feeling devalued because your partner doesn't want to be affectionate, watches porn while having sex - and won't do it otherwise, moving in because they HAVE to financially? Creating an environment that makes your partner feel insecure and unwanted? That's not 'every relationship.' And this isn't the 'slightest bit of trouble.' I think you need to reconsider your own choices and what's ok to stay and work on vs what's not. I hope you don't find yourself in something similar and think this is normal. And yes, you are offering her advice - on how to stay. You posted on all the things she should do to work on this relationship.
It's incredibly common. *incredibly* common for one partner to feel rejected sexually within a relationship. In fact it is almost inevitable to some degree because people differ in their level of sex drive, so one person is always having less sex than they prefer. According to her, *she* is the one that puts porn on, not him, so you can hardly blame him for watching it. And we don't know what the communication between them is like. Has she brought all of the concerns that she is expressing here to him directly? We don't know. Does she constantly self sacrifice by assuring him that everything is okay even though it's not? We don't know. Has she asked him why he prefers looking at the porn? Or even confirmed whether or not he does prefer that? We don't know. Maybe he isn't dismissive at all, but instead she has unreasonable expectations about how much he should be doting over her. Again, we don't know. It's easy enough to identify with the narrator of the story, but we simply don't know what it is like from his perspective. If the problem lies within something that she could be improving on, and you encourage her to just break it off without further thought, then you are not only robbing her of her relationship, but you are robbing her of the chance to improve the problem, so that she isn't cursed to bring it with her to her next romance. I did not encourage her to stay. In fact I told her very explicitly to ask a trusted friend if she believes there may be a more serious issue. All I did was answer the question within the frame that she provided. I spend 40 hours a week mediating conflicts between managers and employees in the workplace. And I can tell you without hesitation that you never get an unbiased account of the story from a single perspective. And you never get all of the relevant details the first time someone brings up an issue. She didn't tell this story to open an examination of their entire relationship. She told this story focused on a single element of it, which is malfunctioning. She didn't come here to talk about all the things that are going right, she came here to talk about the thing that is going wrong. So of course we are going to hear an account that focuses on the problems. We should not take that to mean that he never does anything properly. Why would she sit here and list all of the things he does well when she is just trying to solve this one problem? I have spent a year as a volunteer at a woman's abuse shelter. Trust me when I say that I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like. I most certainly would never tell her that her relationship is just fine and that she should stay based on what she has said. I know better than most that abuse can hide in the shadows. For all I know, things could be even *worse* than you are claiming they are. All I am saying is that four or five paragraphs is not enough to go on to analyze someone's year long relationship. And I don't see anything in here that would immediately raise cause for concern. Could there be? Absolutely. But the information that she has given us here does not imply that so far. So far, it only seems to imply a rocky period in an otherwise normal relationship.
They do know a single thing, she just wrote a whole post about their relationship.
Okay my bad. They know one thing.
OP wrote loads of things about their relationship in their other than the sex issue
He’s moving in? No, don’t let him move in.
Moving in together will just further the problem and make it more complicated should you guys decide to separate. Don’t move in together, firstly. Secondly, if I were with someone who wasn’t enthusiastic to fuck me I’d find someone who was. Don’t waste your time.
If it wasn’t clear. Girl, you’re being used!
I was in a similar situation once. Found out he was cheating the whole time. He was sexually satisfied because of her, so I had to go without.
I’m very sorry to hear you were treated like that, I hope you have healed and found someone better ♥️
OP, he could have a porn or sex addiction- that’s what came up as I read your post. Please read up on those, the signs or symptoms and how it impacts intimacy. It’s not an easy road. I know we’re strangers but I would hate for you to stay and allow this lack of effort from his part make you try even harder to get that validation from him. It’s demoralizing. I know from experience. Def check out r/deadbedroom
Same, basically.
"..have been together for 1yr." "Initially our sex life was amazing..." "’I've tried initiating with outfits, during trips, nights ... "..mid-day, all the oral, just however I could without luck. "I’ve confronted him about the lack of interest in me...he’s remained adamant he is. First of all, it's very common to have an *infatuation/honeymoon phase* for a budding *new* relationship whereby romance, passion, and sex is off the charts! The word "no" is never used! However, people don't reveal their true "authentic self" and *actual libido* until months later. He may have had 100+ sexual partners but not likely very many *serious committed relationships*. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in partner. The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for whatever you need. If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. My guess is financially struggling, ADHD, and made to feel unwanted/shitty aren't on your list! You've already invested one year of your life and jumped through hoops to *keep the magic* alive. I suspect you will come to regret it if you allow him to move in and *waste more years*. Only *you can't blame him* because you'd be walking into this situation with your eyes wide open. Don't fall into the trap of *romanticizing obstacles* or believing you'll somehow recapture the past. There's a big difference between someone (needing you) versus them *loving/wanting you*. When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***“Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.”*** ― Paulo Coelho ***"It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter, but the story must go on."*** \- Thomas Wilder ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
boom
He's had multiple sexual partners and he's suddenly happy to go without sex at 33 years old? I'd put money on him sleeping with other women. You can't fix this type of situation and I speak from experience. The relationship isn't fine if you don't have a sex life.
I’ve wondered that also, he doesn’t really go anywhere that I don’t know of though, isn’t “dressing to impress”, not shaving or doing anything special to his appearance. Idk, I’ve been cheated on previously and those were kinda the indicatives in my experience.. but you never know. Thank you
Maybe he's depressed?
this
my bet's on this. He might be so exhausted worrying about finances and future uncertainties that he has no energy left for sex, esp. since he probably sees your relationship as stable. At least this is how I feel. All this inflation & financial insecurity has me constantly on edge. Past hobbies I used to enjoy now just feel like a waste of time, when I could be improving my work skills to land a better paying job or make myself more valuable to my current employer. My saving account shrinks everyday and when I'm 1 medical emergency from serious financial trouble, my subconscious can't relax enough to actually enjoy fun things (instead I constantly end up turning to addictions to temporarily distract myself from my permanent state of anxiety).
Why is he struggling financially out of curiosity?
Ah, we live in Ontario where rent is absolutely insane.
He watches a lot of porn, this is so obvious
Yep, the point about can only get hard when it's porn is obvious sign. He's using it when you're not around which is why he might not be that interested when you're home!
You're dating a porn addict and he's destroying your perception of reality.
Porn addiction sounds like
Sounds more like porn addiction
There is no basis for this stupid assumption
Young man with high sex drive suddenly loses interest in sex. Is that likely? It's a pretty solid assumption that he's still having sex with someone.
Yes huge amount of men stay with their partners even tho they don’t enjoy sex anymore, because they’re emotionally attached + too domesticated to wanna go back into the wild
Ah that’s true, things are comfortable.
Buy a toy. Let him find it, he needs to see u in a new light sexually and know that u have other outlets, then u become a sexual challenge again. Atm you’re a chore
No. Its not her fault for not having more sexual outlets. Relationships do not work this way. Don’t force someone to like you or feel attracted to you by trying to be someone or something else. You are YOU and if his sick of it, tough. Move on girl don’t waste your time. When he’s fed up of your new outlets what are you going to do? Go masochist to try and attract him. No. It doesn’t work that way, he has to put in effort to make it work to. You are not his personal pleaser. And if you are, he has to be yours too!
Good idea! He knows I have toys, and use them often haha. I do think he views me as a chore, though.
but why do you let yourself be seen as a chore? i mean what lets you not move on?
I am on the same boat. I really love my girl friend, she so sweet , caring , we share the same values. I am financially stable and a good looking guy ; but i am too tired to introduce myself to a new girl or even invest in someone new. Yes , i dont enjoy sex that much with her but she is good enough to be the mother of my children, a very good person indeed; and a relation doesnt only consist of sexual engagement. There are other things in life more important than sex. I would stay if there are no other issues.
Finally the honest truth. Women of Reddit read this, + read it again, it’s the small print no one tells u
Oh god there’s the same issue with women. The idea that this is a male thing is asinine
No agree, but more common with men , way more posts on here about the latter
Yea also a lot more women in this sub
Yes please read this ladies... they are right. One small thing to add.... If you are the type of woman to constantly seem annoyed with light touch, it can lead to a point where all touch seems pointless to try for the guy. Apathy sets in with a series of rejections even small, seemingly unimportant ones.
Agree but in that case that’s the guys fault for making uncalibrated advances, she shouldn’t have a reason to be “constantly annoyed”. thats the usual reason for her losing interest
In a somewhat mature relationship I think it's more of a "connection" test. Not necessarily anything serious so much as an "advance" but if even light touch (holding hands, arm around waist, hugs etc.) puts someone off maybe it shows more of an incompatibility? Just saying I've had times where a female partner only wanted physical touch at very specific times and while that's 100% ok it shows a bit of a love language mismatch with me. No one is wrong in that scenario but it's something that can help determine long term viability and ensure both parties' needs are met.
Get out now. If he’s only interested in you because he needs a place to stay, you’re in trouble. Old guy here. Seen this story too many times to count. Make sure your on BC and he is wrapping it up. Don’t know what he’s doing on the side and you don’t want to get pregnant with someone that doesn’t have any drive.
Don’t let him move in when you are growing apart. I also wonder if he is cheating. Frankly, it sounds like this relationship is over. Dump him and find someone else.
Porn is more important. Cut ties and get involved with a guy who wants the real thing not a porno fantasty
I have wondered if there is a underlying porn addiction.
It's not underlying.. It's obvious. Porn is actually very detrimental for men. I'm grateful my man doesn't watch it and it is reflected in our intimate life! A lot of people don't even realize how badly they are abusing it!
THIS EXACTLY!!! Porn is a massive problem and most men have no idea how damaging it is. Lots of research on porn addiction and porn i diced erectile dysfunction. Men need to ditch the porn it’s messing them UP.
tbf this sounds quite likely. Anyway, don't let him move in with you.
I didn't read the move in part. Good God OP, that is Hell no on move in. You have an addict in denial. and you are going to be an endless cycle of "okay, ill stop" and "i cant stop" and you will be stuck with a porno addict who prevent you from pursuing a healthy relationship because you feel sorry for him and want to help. Cut ties and don't move in OP
Can confirm, living with a porn addicted boyfriend is awful for your self esteem
Tbh porn addiction does not exist. Sure you can have a very unhealthy relationship to porn, but you can’t be addicted to it. There is no chemistry in the brain. You do not get withdrawals. You do not build a tolerance i.e. needing “more” or “heavier” porn. You can get bored if you watch the same video over and over sure, but you’ll still be able to get just as turned on if you switch to another couple doing the missionary. You cannot “not feel anything” of just two people doing the missionary after a while. Addiction has to alter brain chemistry. Like drugs och gambling. You build tolerances for drugs. You won’t feel the same by winning 100 dollars over and over again, you will have to gamble larger amounts to feel the same thrill. Those are addictions. I feel like men are just inventing porn addictions to make themselves victims. Oh I cannot get hard, that is not because I am nervous, that is because I suffer from addiction. Oh I don’t know how to listen to what my partner wants, I can only learn how they do in porn. With all that being said, I totally understand OPs frustrating by having her head be a stand for her boyfriend’s phone while he watches porn. That sucks
Yea you need to first look into porn induced brain chemistry and then look into addictions. ANYTHING that can be a habit can be an addiction. Addictions are extreme habits and just about anything we do as humans can fall under that umbrella.
I agree with you. But referring to it as a porn addiction is quicker than educating people on the difference between "habit" and "addiction".
There probably is, and while this is a real thing, you're not obligated to stay with him.
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This happened in my previous relationship when I had a pretty bad porn addiction. When your brain is cycling through hundreds of women of all kinds, shapes and sizes, it habituates to loooots of "partners" cuz it can't tell the difference between the real thing. (Mirror neurons and Coolidge effect and all that.) Not saying that's necessarily the case with your dude, but it's not unlikely. I don’t know if you guys have ever talked about your views on porn or whether you watch it or are okay with one another watching it, but might be worth the discussion. EDIT: Additionally, if you're at this point one year in, imagine how it'll be in another five or ten years. There are people who stay together for their whole lives and remain just as sexually attracted the whole time. Of course you'll need to do things to keep your sex life interesting, but if that chemistry isn't there anymore, it isn't there. Even after quitting porn I'm still not attracted to my ex anymore. You should maybe aim to be with someone you don't have to pull teeth to make them want you.
>He’s struggling financially and has ADHD which he has shared contributed to his lack of drive. Is he on meds? When a guy is struggling financially, that usually causes depression, and antidepressants are known for lowering, or outright killing, sex drive. Now if his lack of interest is longstanding, I'd advise either therapy or just break up with him, as you're having issues with his behavior and that's an incompatibility there.
I also would suggest getting his testosterone checked as well. I had to hope on trt for 6 months to get a jumpstart again. It made a world of difference about drive and sexual appetite.
Something I also found out recently about antidepressant medication is that a side affect of taking them is depression. I had a lot of financial issues in the past and can confirm it can really affect you mentally and physically dealing with it.
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Yep, unfortunately
Sponge bob Leach Con man Con artist Taking you for a ride Financial abuse Parasitic relationship. You got ‘love bombed’’< google it. Maybe some trauma bonding has occurred for you not to see what the rest of us can plainly see. Stop feeling sorry for him. This STD King player litherio womaniser is manipulative and is most likely an emotional vampire who will continually drain you. Please get support from family and friends and police involved if necessary.
Lol, your terms made me giggle. But you’re right, those topics are serious and it’s good to be aware of them. I will research them more, thank you.
Wow sex life is dead within a year of dating. How's that shit even happen. Yeah it won't get much better
Do NOT let him move in wtf lol. He's obviously a porn addict alongside cheating. My question is how aren't you able to see it? You're setting yourself up for failure. Please save yourself your mind and your peace and MOVE ON especially if you're not married and have no kids yet.
Sounds like a massive imbalance in the relationship. You are putting in all the effort and getting nothing in return. Think you need to have words with him about it and if nothing comes from it then time for you to move on.
Sweet Jesus girl. If your best friend just told you all that about herself what would your advice be? Thasss right. Block him, change your locks, never contact him again. Taste the freshness in the air? You are welcome. Also....get tested.
Omg why are you letting him move in with you?? You’ll be on Reddit in a few months asking how to get rid of this guy.
I made the mistake of trying to make it work with someone I wasn’t physically attracted by. Don’t do it.
Ah, I’m sorry you went through that. 😞
I hate to say it but moving in for financial reasons sounds like the fastest way to tank an already crappy sex life
People here are saying he might be cheating. I think he watches too much porn. It ruins your sexual appetite, makes it difficult to get aroused/climax without explicit visual stimulation. Guarantee if he stops watching porn for a couple of weeks, he'll be chasing you around the house.
Date other dudes
Date other chicks.
True lol
The classic, he chases until he think he has you on lock and then goes to his true self. Everything you saw before is an act. Imagine dating this low effort guy from the start and respond accordingly. Men who do this depend on sunken cost fallacy to keep their laziness going. It’s only 1 year. Don’t let it turn into more.
If this is only after a year, can you imagine after 2,3,4 years. My friend, it's time to pack it up and catch the next train, because there is always another one coming.
1 year? Find a new bf.
Well you sound incredible so it’s crazy that he’s not interested. Life and stress can cause the sex drive to dwindle but this sounds more than that 100 plus partners is crazy! At the end of the day. If you raise the issue and nothing changes and sex is important to you - leave and be with someone else. You deserve to be happy and feel desired
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You’re always welcome!
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Don’t let him move in. Go your separate ways. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.
This is a super tough thing to come back from. I’m in the same boat, & no amount of effort, no combination of words, not even borderline pleading changes it. It may improve for a week or so, but once the sexual stuff falls off, it’s usually gone. Could be a porn addiction - this is the case in my situation. And honestly? I feel like this has played a role in his loss of attraction to me, which by the way, he vehemently denies as yours does. Could be boredom since he has such a propensity for acquiring sexual partners. Whatever the cause, I would urge you to walk away if/while you can. There are just too many people out there who would gladly meet your needs without porn, without pleading, without issue at all.
You got a lot going on. Sounds like one year was the season.
He’s probably addicted to porn and blowing his load to the movies and doesn’t have it in him to be with you
In my experience, (personal and vicariously thru multiple close friends) this is usually a bad sign unless he has some sort of trauma that sets him back sexually. -I used to have a close friend and her bf stopped initiating or even caring what she was saying. He liked porn way more than being with her(even tho she offered to watch whatever with him bc she was open minded) he liked it so much so that he felt the need to keep it secret- they soon had a messy break up, then about a year or so later he got caught diddling k1ds and got questioned by fbi agents at his place of business. That guy always did have terrible energy fuck him. I had a relationship with a 30m(i was about 21 then) and quickly found out in the first few months that he liked porn more than actually putting in any effort. At some point he fell back into his alcoholism and made sex impossible. Thru time i snooped around and found out he only liked lesbian porn(however when i tried to bring another girl in the picture he harshly denied anything poly) It soon dawned on me that his p0rn addiction was bigger than whatever we had and he had ventured into watching mostly hentai- and that's basically impossible to achieve bc 1. 2d animation ppl aren't real sadly 2. Real ppl dont realy make that much annoying noise during sex 3. Bc he honestly wasn't worth working that hard for I hope it doesn't turn out as bad for you and hope you either find that spark in him or w some other nice dude.<3
Move on already, jesus.
Definitely. This guy has had 100 previous partners who are also likely unsatisfied. You’ll be 101. Move on and find someone who doesn’t make you do tricks to get attention. This is very bad for your emotional well being.
That is an option I guess.
It's the only option. He's not changing.
Good point, I guess after a year it’s looking like it’s not changing.
Why would you think a man with 100+ previous partners by his early 30’s is a good pick for a committed relationship? That’s an astounding amount of sexual partners in a short time. That’s a hell no. It’s indicative of potential issues.
Definitely don’t let him move in, I had the same issue with one of my exs and he did indeed have a porn addiction. Tread carefully, cause you never know, the sudden cut off from being so sexual could have another reason that he might be seeing someone else to fulfill those needs.
I advise not to let him move in at all. If you are struggling with intimacy issues since you are apart I don’t think it will work out living under one roof. Plus you will resent him for his bad behavior when it comes to housework and finances. I don’t think this relationship will sustain you much longer. Also, don’t compare yourself from other women in his past who he slept around with. That is going to cause you so much anxiety and self esteem issues. Be confident in yourself that you won’t accept anything less than. I wish you luck!
ADHD in adults is different than children They sit in the spectrum between autistic and genius The way the brain is wired they can’t multitask as most adults do and can daily They can only work in one dimension or they get frustrated and lose it Having money issues and probably shouldn’t be drinking I have a son 30 with the same problems Once you fix the money problems that’s something he doesn’t need to focus on This may solve the problem But throwing too much at him is not going to work Its like driving a bus and your going fast and picking up speed and when you try braking there is no fluid to slow or stop the bus No matter how hard you pump it That was an analogy an ADHD paediatrician gave us when he was a child of how his brain works He is a master at work only a perfectionist .Things of interest a genius Just don’t overwhelm with too many insignificant thingsJust keep thing uncomplicated and good luck🌺
Good afternoon, you! ADHD is not something to take lightly and people who suffer from ADHD experience a wide range of mental problems. This isn’t to say people with ADHD aren’t datable and should be avoided. Instead, people with ADHD will need extra attention and patience from their significant other. Like most relationships, infatuation usually comes with an expiratory deadline, and people with ADHD are no exception to the rules. However, people with ADHD will almost always have it much harder than others to keep the fire ablaze after the exciting season of a relationship dies down as they lack the mental energy to do the necessary work to keep things going forward. A guy or a woman having over 100 sexual partners is a problem in itself and these people have it much harder to function normally compared to those who have had just one sexual partner in their lifetime. I don’t know exactly what to advice you on here as I strongly believe you have found yourself with someone whom I might not be able to help with.
Dump him instantly, life is beautiful, move on
Please don’t put yourself through this pain. It isn’t worth it. I was in a relationship like this and it turned out to be a porn addiction. Worse yet, he was a covert narcissist and I didn’t pick up on it until several years into the relationship. He seemed like such a “good guy”. They love bomb you at first. Tell you how great you are and the sex is all amazing and stuff. Then they start to devalue you. That’s when they withhold things that you want. Sex and affection, for one, are withheld as m and to have control over the relationship, then manipulate you into thinking that you’re insecure. They will use you in any way they can financial, emotional, mental… it’s all about supply. Even if you think you’re getting along, just wait till you put up a boundary…. I’m not saying you’re with a narcissist but you’re describing is love bombing/ devaluing. Next, comes gaslighting, using your resources, discarding, rinse repeat. Don’t move in with him if he’s already withholding sex in favor of porn. You don’t need that.
It felt like you were describing me and my ex. It was my experience to a T. It’s scary how common this is.
I know. 😭😭
For gods sake don’t let him move in with you. Guy sounds like he needs to get his shit together
100+ partners wtf how i dont know 100 people 😂
Doesn’t sound you’re getting anything from this relationship so why continue. People should be in our lives because they add something good to it. And we also add to theirs. 1 + 1 = 3. Yanno?
Yea this is crazy, idk how people don’t realize they’re with someone who isn’t even remotely worth the trouble lol, there are a million guys if not more that would be over the fucking moon to be with someone who puts in half as much effort as this lady is doing…meanwhile this guy is doing Jack shit LOL. Please have some self respect and dump this dude lol
I think you need to have a very candid conversation with your partner. He might be totally telling the truth, and it’s other factors such as stress that are lowering his sex drive. Happens all the time, but you guys need to have honest communication about it. It is ok for this to be a dealbreaker for you. Wanting to feel wanted, and having an active sex life is not shallow or less important than the other factors that go into a relationship. In this conversation if you realize these other factors are the cause, it is reasonable to ask for a game plan to get back on track. Honestly, if you aren’t able to have those conversations with your partner, then the relationship might not be all that healthy. And if he feels like there isn’t anything to be done or he doesn’t see it as a problem, then it’s ok to move on
It won’t make you closer - get out now. It’s only been a year. It will not get better
Yes, I hate fucking my girl but she pays the bills and I moved in with her to save money so I gotta fuck her. He’s just with you to save money he will dump you when he finds another girl, he prolly already cheating.
Same thing happened in my relationship. They had 100+ partners. I was longest relationship. Sex started to die after just 6 months but we were together 3 years. Could be that he has an avoidant attachment style where intimacy scares him so he’s withdrawing. Could be he’s not emotionally attracted to you anymore. My ex said they weren’t in love anymore.
Oh HELL no! Run girl! Take a break and let him sort himself out financially. Take time away to recalibrate what you want from a relationship. Starting with a partner that is physically attracted to you and can show it. Find yourself again and be single. You don’t have to get a new relationship, just get back in tune with yourself. If you let him move in, you see setting yourself up for a whole new level of hell.
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Moving in for financial reasons could turn you into roommates instead of lovers. That aside; medication, stress, and honestly his age can all be factors. I have a normally high drive but I was on antidepressants for a while and I was rarely in the mood and it was near impossible to finish. At first I was very embarrassed and isolated myself from my partner. Once I realized why I was having the issues I talked to my partner and my doctor. Please do not ever blame yourself for this issue, it isn't your fault. It isn't your weight/ size. It is just part of getting older as a male.
100+ partners?
I’ll tell you the same thing I’d tell my own daughters. It’s a red flag situation… it seriously sounds like he’s using you to bail him out of his financial situation to me. Please be diligent that he is not taking advantage of your affection. Be careful to not give him enough rope to hang both of you, before you unhelp him.
This will sound harsh, but... Wake up, you're a convenience. You're doing ALL the work with nothing in return. Don't have him move in, you'll only end up getting hurt more. Re-read what you just wrote, and ask yourself, what is he bringing to your life that adds value, because from myperspective, you're getting nothing but your self worth shredded.
I think he might be depressed about the finance things and taking the ADHD thing as a mental prison to not putting too much into moving forward. I used to be very depressed because of my finances and things just weren’t working out and it did affect our relationship sexual as well. She asked the same questions you asked. However, i just didnt feel the drive for sex cause iw as too busy trying to figure out how to take the financial burden off of her. As a man i hated having to depend on anyone but myself. Now i make more than i ever did before and im able to happily provide for both of us and get her whatever she wants and we have sex like animals every other day! So ask him how he feels about the financial situation and if he feels depressed about it and just doesn’t like to talk about it. Dont take advice from hurt people because you might just lose a good thing due to a troublesome phase.
OP, as a guy with ADHD I want you to consider these scenarios: * He can't pay attention during sex. He literally can't. I recall doing this once, my then girlfriend turned on a TV to muffle our noises... And I couldn't not watch the TV while we were on the deed 🙈 I had no idea I have ADHD back then, nor I realized I was doing it until she called me off. There are... There have to be strategies to keep him focused, but outside of medication I cannot think of any. * Depression and anxiety are common comorbidilities when you have ADHD. Those can and will make him unable to focus his mind on you as much as he wants to. I would... Not nag, _push him_ to get him seen by a doctor. This is gonna affect his life in many ways, including his love life. I don't want to discard him cheating, I have no grounds to say he's not. But I'd give him the benefit of doubt first.
Discussing personal matters on Reddit is like Googling your symptoms. Even a minor rash can be called cancer by some folks here. If I were in a relationship, I'd try every possible solution before even considering leaving my partner. Leaving hastily when you once believed they were the right choice kinda questions your own judgment, doesn't it? Men are usually pretty simple with three main things on their minds: 1. Sex( physical touch) 2. Food 3. Respect (if we had to choose one between being loved and being respected, we'd pick respect 99.9% of the time.) Unless he's got some secret fetishes he's not telling you about, it sounds like the first one is covered in your relationship (props to all the awesome girlfriends out there). Maybe see how things go with the other two: whip up a meal he loves and see if that changes things that day(it's an act of service) The third one, respect, often circles back to the first two, so just make sure you're being thoughtful and respectful, especially around friends, family, and neighbors(which I bet you already are), AND instead of criticizing what you don't like about him, try complementing what you like about him, it'd encourage him to do those things more often(words of affirmation). Also, see if he's on any meds you don't know about. Some, like antidepressants, can mess with libido. If that's not the problem, maybe play a little hard to get. Sometimes, a bit of a chase can get things going. If that doesn't help, couples therapy might be the next step to address his worries and any temporary bumps in your relationship. If after all that, things still aren't good enough for you, THEN maybe think about discussing a breakup. Just remember to value yourself and don't settle for anything less than what you think you deserve. You both deserve to be loved and respected. Whatever happens, sending good vibes to both of you. Hope everything turns out well.
If you were to meet him for the first time right now would he be checking off all your boxes for a relationship? If not put the brakes on, don't go any further. Are you desperate or has he just become a habit? His moving in is not going to improve your relationship. It will slowly deteriorate and then you'll have a really hard time getting him out of your place. He can't take care of himself. Don't let him move in.
he may see you as a good friend and a potential bestie, but the point that he gets hard on porn and not with you, there's sth off about that. maybe by having a good unrestrained talk about you being friends only sharing no sex would open some talks about your suspicions. then further on knowing his intentions and what he has to say, you can decide whether to be with him or not. and I know you feel insecure and you keep comparing yourself with his past experiences. but trust me and I'm talking from experience, it's not about you darling. Be safe.
A year is a short time to have issues already, BUT depression and anxiety suck and can really disrupt. So you can still move forward with caution. You need to be very clear that right now you are feeling unseen and unwanted and frankly unsexy. Let him know you understand his reasoning but it doesn't change the fact that this disconnect isn't sustainable in the long run. Is everything else about him worth it? One year is a short relationship. If it feels long already, that is a bad sign. If this is one more compromise of many, it may have run its course. If you do decide to still have him move in and try, he NEEDS to sign a sublease. I'd say start with 6 months. Be honest. If he complains, be honest about why he cannot just move in casually with nothing in writing. This 6 months can in a way be your timeline for how long you are willing to work with him and try. It needs to be legal and notarized, so if you break up, you can legally evict him when time is up. You don't need to tell him this, but after a bit, you can drop an ultimatum. 3 months more and you are done, etc. If things improve, do one year subleases. Whatever you choose, you don't want to risk a squatter ex who loses you your apartment or wont move out for "financial reasons." You also don't want to risk him taking advantage of you financially if he isn't on the lease and suddenly stops paying rent. Before you move in (this is always true), make sure you know each others expectations about how it will go, even if they eventually change. How are you splitting expenses? Rent? What is your cleanliness expectation? Who will do what chores? Etc. It's good to at least get an idea. For our first year, we used Splitwise for any shared expenses to make sure things were even. Now at many years in, we don't bother, but it was good for preventing financial resentments while we learned how to share life. Then you have to set some boundaries. Again, this isn't sustainable so, he needs to show that he is making a real effort. Whether that is self-help, therapy, medication, whatever. Effort and progress is essential. Don't accept excuses or procrastination on that. You also need to decide what would happen if he never got to a place that was similar to you. Do you leave? What is your last straw? What do you need? Do you open the relationship? Decide now what your boundaries are and be prepared to honor them when things get tough.
You are worth more. I hope you see this and act accordingly.
Feels like he might be in it for survival and not love. Sidebar: having 100+ partners is wild.
Your whole life is being mismanaged. Don't let men live with you. Don't watch porn. Don't waste your beauty years. Don't chase men for scraps of affection. Take your power back.
Find out if he’s watching porn frequently.
I’m sorry that you are going through this, first off. Have you tried love language idea or love busters? Typically working on knowing each others love languages putting practical strategies in play increases the physical intimacy aspect of the relationship. If there are skeletons, hurts, contempt, criticalness you’ll have to tackle them head on. Hope that doesn’t sound preachy
Jesus the comments So much hate for the man. If the genders were reversed on the post many would be giving advice and not telling OP to break up. I’ve seen the same exact post on Reddit but with genders reversed. Why is no one asking OP to check if the BF is depressed? He’s struggling with money. Lack of sex. It could mean he’s depressed.
Do not let him move in cuz he’ll ruin your finances too. Although I will say this, as a female with ADHD, sex can be a bit difficult because during the act our minds will drift to other things and that can cause us not to get off. Also ADHD especially when unmedicated is so draining on our brains that when we get home, we just want to relax and do absolutely nothing. So my suggestions is for him to either get on some meds or he needs to learn coping mechanisms in order to deal with his ADHD if he chooses not to medicate. Also as his girlfriend, please read up on ADHD and relationships/sex. I know for me personally, I feel good when my partner takes an interest and reads up on my disorder because it allows him to navigate easier and understand my problems and situations better with my condition. ADHD is more than just a hyperactive disorder.
Take a moment and look at what creates trouble there. Money trouble, stress , adhd. Is he taking medications, using recreational drugs? Drinking ? Chemicals and depression create havoc. If these are not factors, you have issues. A strong bond is required to go the long haul but sex is important, and you have a lot of years of libido left. Take him to the doctor and get testosterone checked 😘 Men like sex. Those pounds don't matter my dear.. trust me
Why are you with this guy? You put on porn then he just fucks you? You don't see how degrading that is? You need to work on your self esteem. You can find a better guy than this in a week.
Hey 👋 175lb 5’5 girl here. I would say GET OUT. I moved in with my boyfriend over the summer and the sex STOPPED. He says he can’t mentally get sexual with me because of the weight I had put on after we started dating. I’ve went on keto, workout 2-3 a week strength training for an hour and have lost quite a bit of weight these last few months. Still nothing. No sex. Makes me feel like nothing more than a house maid. Save yourself the massive headache… Break it off. You can always DM me if you need girl chats.
Hyposexuality, the opposite of hypersexuality, can also arise from ADHD itself or as a side effect of medication. You stated that your boyfriend has ADHD. I think this is a rational explanation for his sex drive. Please investigate this with him and a doctor.
When you commit your partner is 100% your sex life. YOU are too young to accept a sexless relationship, these are old people problems. There are men out there, my brother is one of them, that thirst over curvy women. He married a curvy woman. He has no interest in the alternative. Yes, there are men that want thin women, but there are also men that LOVE something to hang onto. Ps. I am a lean woman & I also prefer men that have a little extra padding. Don't discount yourself into thinking you will not be loved for the way you are.
Dear SO: 165 to 170 pounds is not a problem - this is not an unattractive body - in United States 165 is the average weight for women - just as many women weigh more than this as weigh less And you want a guy who is thinking “I want to share intimate experiences with her” - and these men are looking for you, this is reasonable to expect. You don’t want a guy who analyzes whether you qualify to be with him.
oh this gave me such anxiety to read. you mentioned your weight which i interpreted to be an insecurity , which pains me , and i feel like you might be accepting treatment that is beneath you bc of it? bail out girl , you're so young, don't waste more time.
Hey, it really sounds like you’re partner is porn addicted. Many signs, like stopping to compliment you, „just using you to finish“ while the only thing that makes him hard is porn. If you want to continue with him, try to open the door for him to speak up. If he doesn’t take the chance to be honest, he is not ready and needs to work on his addiction first. Don’t take this personal, that’s super important. It has NOTHING to do with your appearance or attractiveness. It is his addiction. Not yours. I was with a PA for three years without noticing and I learned this lesson, it has nothing to do with you. Please don’t question your selfworth.
A mutually satisfactory sex life is critical for a healthy romantic relationship. You can only kick that can down the road for so long.
Ok I'm going on the ADHD side. Even if ADHDER may experience sexual dysfonctions (distracted and losing interest during sex, losing interest into engaging cos we wanted it 1 hour before and it wasn't the right time) , but people with ADHD tend to have a higher sex drive. https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/17/9/1653/6973877?redirectedFrom=fulltext&login=false Depression can be a better reason for the lack of sex drive, but then, is he doing a anything to get better? You also said he had 100+ partners, you're probably his longest relationship. The issue is coming from his side, but it doesn't seems like he want to do something. It's tie for you to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. From my outside point of view, you're living with a freeloader roommate .
Something ain’t right here. I am in a really stressful part of my life right now, with work and family, it’s all very hard. I have been with hundreds of women. I have ferocious ADHD. I thrash my woman sexually on a regular basis. We have tons of sex, and we both initiate equally. The only reason I wouldn’t initiate in that situation is if I wasn’t aroused. The only reasons I can imagine for that would be either that he’s not aroused by you bc you’re not in shape, or because he’s using you for something and he’s not into you at all but it “makes sense.” I would definitely file this one under “do not proceed.”
Ditch him. A guy who does not want to keep fucking you within a year is not long-term material. I am 32/m, enjoy waking up with a blow job, and love to be with a woman I'm very fond of who goes the extra mile. Stay positive. You will find Mr. Right.
Disappointing suggestions on this thread. Thinking from a guy’s perspective. Men are at their sexual peak at the age around 20-22, whereas for women it’s 30-35. Porn plays a big part. Maybe he is attracted to you but his body is used to be seduced by porn. Plus financial stress makes it worse. Ask yourself, 1. Was he the same without the financial stress? 2. Does he talk to other women? 3. Does he take care of you and show affection outside of sex? 4. With adhd, has he got his hormones tested? This could be the onset of depression. 5. In some cases, Men tend to see porn and not indulge with partner because of the fact that there are no expectations of reciprocating in porn. Whereas with a partner there is an expectation and their mental health makes them lethargic and uninterested in reciprocating.
wanting a hot and fit partner is nothing to do with Porn LOL
First off, don't listen to the people that immediately jump to "he's using you" or "he's cheating on you". They don't have enough information from this post to make that determination. They are projecting their fears and traumas onto your relationship. If *YOU* believe he may be cheating on you or may not be good for you, then you should seek advise from people that actually know you in real life and trust to make well measured comments on your relationship. To answer your question, fixing your relationship and sexual intimacy is going to take a lot of "unsexy" work. First of all, you should read books that were written specifically to answer this question from people who have worked with couples to fix these types of situations. Do not underestimate the value that a book can have in improving the quality of your relationships. Second, you need to communicate with him openly and honestly about what you want. And you should encourage him to communicate openly and honestly about what he wants. It is far more difficult than most people realize to say the truth of what you want. We aren't simple creatures, and a lot of times we don't even know what we want. And when we do know what we want, we're scared of telling people, especially the people closest to us. Third, you need to negotiate about what each of you wants. Maybe he doesn't like sex at a certain time, or in a certain way. Maybe he wants sex once per month and you want it four times a week. You need to establish understanding about what each of you wants and what would be reasonable to ask of your partner. Fourth, carry through. Even if you aren't in the mood, or he isn't in the mood. Commit to what you decided and do it. It might be bad at first, it might be too much or too little. It might be awkward or boring or scary. But you need to keep doing it. Healthy intimacy, like anything else, takes practice and commitment. Eventually the two of you will find a rhythm where you learn to turn eachother on again. And then after much practice and adjustment it will start to feel natural and effortless again. It may not feel exactly the "same" as when you first started dating, but it will be just as good. When we first start dating, the "honeymoon period" makes everything feel exciting and intense. But that is just a free sample, a preview. After the honeymoon period ends, you have to work for your relationship to be as good as you know it can be.
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Hahah aww thank you! I’m trying so hard not to compare myself, this was a nice confidence boost 🥰
This confidence boost should be coming from your partner. If you can’t communicate your needs and he can’t hear them and work on them with you, you don’t have a relationship. My goodness, do not let this guy move in because he is financially struggling. YOU want him to move in because he wants to. Why are you not having the relationship you want and deserve? The person you are with should be supportive and encouraging! Especially when it comes to your boundaries. This guy is using you, making you feel shit about yourself, and doesn’t care that it’s impacting you. What are you doing??
Unless you’re very muscular, you’re objectively overweight. Whether you want to do anything about that is up to you, but you’re only “normal” insofar as the fact that most of the population of most high and middle income countries is overweight. I know because I was that size at the beginning of the year.
Don’t lie to her or yourself. You’re both overweight. Stop snacking on tasty cakes and start exercising.
Really. My boyfriend loves my body. But your culture and mine are very different.
If you're overweight to am American, you're overweight to everyone. Denial is a powerful thing.
lmao its always "find someone who will treat you like a queen" HAHA. Listen u/Brimstone__, this chick has no dog in the fight. U dump him and go looking for prince charming and she gets to feel smug about giving advice, while you're heartbroken and single. Don't take this nonsensical advice where there is a magical prince out there that will move mountains for you. Talk to him and try to figure it out because more likely than not the next 'prince' will have red flags that show over time as well rinse and repeat
After only a year and he is like this? There are so many men out there who would beg to be with you all day, every day. This man has issues if he is like this. Take care, you deserve better.
lol u dont even know her. Why are u so confident that she's a catch and that anyone would be lucky to have her. If her bf posted would u say the same? Its a catch all feel-good sentiment but not rooted in reality
Being 5'1" and 170lbs is not just a little bit thick? That's a bmi of 32.1 which places you well into the obese category. Not trying to judge, but were you that way when you met? Some people might say they are attracted to spare your feeling and not hurt you, when in reality they struggle because you've changed.
I am 5’4, but not far off. I am still overweight and could do better. I’ve been this way since we met.
there's your answer. Lose weight. Sorry to be blunt, but no BS. Women to be attractive requires very little: **don't be fat.** From there, in \_virtually\_ all situations you'll be sexually appealing. That being said, if you lose weight and he still doesn't approach. Then he's got a porn issue or something else. And also that being said, if he's overweight, he \_ALSO\_ needs to lose weight. Whenever I see these posts I always think "welp, she's fat" and I searched the posts and found what I expected to see... no surprise. Sorry to say this but this is a truth of life you should learn sooner than later.
Welcome to dumpsville. Population 1. Your bf.
Are you mean to him? Do you cause him stress? Do you bring him peace? From a guy’s point of view, this means A LOT as far as sexual attraction goes. I’m not saying you’re the whole problem, but there’s a possibility you might be a solid portion of it.
Maybe try some body negativity? Work out to see if something changes. If it doesn’t, you’re still looking better so… win-win
Lose weight.
A relationship isn't all about sex and physical attraction - you're making it seem like it is
I get that, fair point. Physical intimacy is just important to me.. not a great childhood and not much affection throughout my life, it’s a sad thought of going through more of life without it, the trade off is someone I get along well with otherwise though, you’re right.
I agree it's an important part but shouldn't be all about sex. Honestly it seems like he's used to having a lot of partners and now getting bored with you. I would think about leaving him if it doesn't improve, but if your relationship is really good in other areas maybe that will make up for it
Did he say that he is stressed and that's why he doesn’t want sex?
If he's having financial issues I'm sure that's a huge stressor that messes with libido. He could also have a porn addiction
Do you guys have kids?
Nope, we don’t.
Has anything changed since you all started together? If you were in the curvy side when he met you I doubt that would be a problem?
I'm more curious about the conversation you had with him about you feeling unwanted and unattractive. If he said he still finds you attractive, he's probably being truthful but only halfway. You said he's struggling financially - for many men, finances and the "ability to provide" can be a big part of their masculinity. If he's feeling emasculated, he won't be as interested in sex. So even if the attraction is there, him feeling depressed and down might make it harder for him to enjoy or become interested in sex at all. I think you should give it more time to communicate and have some serious sit downs with him before just breaking it off if you want to try to save the relationship.
Breakkkkkk up.... If someone doesn't love you, they don't... The fact that you have suspicions in the first place is BAADDDD NEWZZZZZ!!!!! BReak UPPPP
Do you mind if I ask why he’s financially struggling?
The worst mistake you could make is move in with him.
How long ago did it turn south? I think that’s really important here. For the sex to disappear in less than a year is wack.
So sorry to read that. You sound so sweet. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and desired sexually. Watching porn while f*vking you... no. Sorry. Please stop accepting this, I hope you find the strength to go back out there what you deserve it waiting for you 🙏🏾
Do NOT move him in! He's already not addressing his own issues and he's neglecting you sexually. Do you also want to support him and wash his laundry?
Absolutely don't move in. This is so disrespectful.
I d use eis.de
Get out while you can!!!! Seriously! Right now. You deserve much better! It’s the same advice as many others. Life is precious. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t appreciate you fully.
Threesomes Men need variety. We're not wired to be with with one partner. He obviously loves you but he will leave if you don't add a little spice to the mix
I married a man like this and put up with it for 15 years. Absolutely, not! If he has no sex drive he needs to get help or be honest. Do not let someone move in if your already having these issues. You will for ever be unhappy because in a relationship sex and physical touch is crucial.
>Otherwise, our relationship is fine No it's not. It's often a symptom of something else. My ex stopped wanting to fuck me not much later than a year and a half into the relationship(we fucked like rabbits the first year). Aside from a quickie about 7 months before she left me for someone else, we never had sex again. I was with her for 7 years. Staying with her longer than 2 or 3 years was a big fucking mistake. Thank fuck we never lived together. GTFO now and whatever you do, do not let him move in. It will never get better.