This. The instant-gratification era is really taking its toll on people and their perceptions of relationships. Even if he fixes those main things it very well might take him another ten full years of trying and rejection until he finally meets someone who meshes well with him. People need to learn the harsh reality that just fixing your own personal main issues doesn't magically make anyone obligated to date you.....you have to be desirable to them in the first place.
I get the criticism of instant gratification, but can we just be honest and admit that 10 years of rejection IS unreasonable and shouldn't be happening toward someone who is working on their self esteem and anxiety? And that it is absolutely completely reasonable to be dejected and angry by this amount of time?
It's a pity, and I feel for him, but there's no "should" involved, since no one owes him anything, nor is he entitled to anything.
Relationships are not a reward bestowed upon you once you've checked all the boxes. It's a mutual exchange of affection, and people are free to give their affection (or not) as they please.
THANK YOU. It's not that anyone owes anyone affection. But rejection is hard to go through and becomes a problem ON TOP of all the original problems.
I got my first girlfriend at 30. I had good times and truly loved her. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that will completely erase that period of loneliness and what you learn. It's like escaping the matrix.
All love is conditional.
Relationships are a concrete exchange of value between 2 or more people.
People care about how their partners reflect on them in terms of social status.
Despite how progressive society is, 95% of people want to succeed and be valued in terms of normal gender roles.
You can beat the game, but the game loses its meaning because now you know the stuff that it is made of. Also you want to flip a table every time people talk about how they're "concerned" or "feel bad for" that one friend who "needs to work on themselves."
God people are the worst.
I don't really fully agree with that. I personally love people. I'm just saying that being angry or depressed or finding that 10 years is too long is completely reasonable. But I will never justify or condone misanthropy.
... Says who? Unreasonable by whose standards? Where's the law that says someone who is working on themselves gets a relationship and sex?
Who is there to be angry at? Is there a union of people dictating who does and doesn't get dates?
All jokes aside, don’t (directly) pay for it. I’ve made that mistake when I was in your situation. I ended up spending thousands of dollars over the years. I did eventually get better with women, but the urge to pay for it never fully subsided.
This. You need to go outside your comfort zone to get laid or find a girlfriend. They won’t just fall in your lap. Force yourself to socialize at bars with random women/men, that’ll make it easier in the long run.
"No friends, never had sex, severe social anxiety, low self esteem" "why is it so hard for me to get laid?"
For now, forget getting laid. Focus on addressing the other issues. Make friends. Do therapy for social anxiety and self esteem. Practice holding a conversation with platonic friends. Build those skills first.
Now this.... has my vote. What is it that you enjoy doing? Could this be a good starting point towards meeting others? I lead a very active life and meet people through doing what I enjoy doing. I have met women whi have expressed interest towards me. Some I let into my life, others I do not. I think it is important to note that I live in a rural community and I love my life.
This is great advice.
If you have something you're passionate about or a hobby or such that's your key.
That way you shift the attention to the topic or thing, instead of yourself. You will probably find it necessary to keep your attention on what they say, not how you look, sound,etc.
I have a bit of experience with this and my anxiety went away completely. It's practice.
After you learned to put the attention on a topic or thing, the next step is to shift your attention, at least partially, onto the other person. Again you'll have to refocus it everytime your attention slips back on to yourself.
You can practice and prepare for this by asking yourself: am I going to like them/she/him/it?
Thats the important question. Keep it close to mind at all times.
What do I like about them? What do I generally want in people?
Good luck
Max
>no friends ... i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem ... but i cant hold a conversation with anyone ... i get a lot of girls staring at me but i don't have the balls to approach
This is the reason.
>would a psychiatrist help? i feel like life is escaping me.
Absolutely. Therapy is the most effective solution to severe social anxiety and low self-esteem.
Adding in here that OP probably needs to seek a therapist, not a psychiatrist. Seeking mental health services can be overwhelming, so just clarifying to avoid the frustration of searching for the wrong word.
Be careful. Psychiatrists are therapists who are doctors, and they tend to lean toward medication as a crutch but will likely refer you to a therapist for the long term. Therapists are behavioral -- teaching you to deal with anxieties and such. Besides, therapists can refer you to a psychiatrist for meds if he/she thinks your condition warrants a medicine "crutch." But a lot of the meds are addictive. You probably don't need that. You need someone to help you get outside yourself. If you're going to get help, go to a therapist first so you don't end up on meds right out of the gate.
* You don't have any friends (which means you have less opportunities for meeting people and you're probably not great at socializing because you don't get to practice).
* You have severe social anxiety.
* You have low self esteem.
* You can't hold a conversation with anyone.
* You don't approach anyone.
* You're resentful of other people.
* You're sound like you're struggling with depression.
Those are all things that are going to make it hard for you to "get laid."
You should absolutely be seeking professional help.
A psychiatrist seems like a good idea for this guy in general…. Not just “to get laid”
And the first session can be “if your only incentive for therapy is to get laid, this is going to be an expensive few years”.
Try some therapy to help with your anxiety, it can help a lot, then try make some friends! Try talking to people. Making friends is hard but if you try find some hobbies it will be easier and give you something to talk about. Read, share opinions and put yourself out there. Goodluck!
There’s loads of providers now. You can get referred to NHS talking therapies if you’re in the uk, there’s online providers like better help, I’ve tried a subsidiary of theirs for couples counselling I found it really helpful. Some people can get some off their life insurance, or through company benefits aswell. Then there’s always standard in person ones in most cities.
You have to go in with the right mindset to want help and want to change with an open mind. A therapist won’t solve all your problems for you.
They well help you look inwards into yourself and help you identify and understand your own behaviours.
Some also offer CBT cognitive behavioural therapy to help you change your reactions to certain thoughts emotions and situations.
I thought it was a load of crap till I hit tipping point that it wouldn’t help, couldn’t get interested. But after I had a bad issue I couldn’t work through myself and everything I’d bottled up came to a head, I found talking about it really helped.
For more medical diagnosis you would need a psychiatrist rather than a therapist I think if I got the terms right!
I’d try a therapist first and see if it helps. Talking therapy helps more people and has better results. Therapy with medication is not proven to be any more beneficial, the medication can actually hinder it. Medication alone doesn’t perform well compared to talking therapy.
Hope you find what you need ♥️
He was venting. Give the dude a break. I couldnt imagine what it would feel like being 27 and never getting your weiner wet. It's probably humiliating.
it is hard because you view it as being hard or difficult.
you are in a self confirming negative feedback loop. hard to approach people - no friends - low self esteem which then makes you feel even worse and makes it harder to approach people. etc the cycle continues.
go for a morning walk everyday, say hi or good morning to everyone you pass as you walk by them, don't start a conversation, just politely say hi or good morning nod, and keep walking. go to a coffee shop , order a coffee but first ask the barista what they like on the menu, anything looks good , what they're favorite drink is? don't ask more than that , just make consistent small talk with everyone you meet and your attitude will change when you realize people are just people like you and there is no need to be anxious. do this or something like this everyday.
you are in your own head with anxiety and false negative self view, get out n to the world and you will feel much better.
Because women can tell when a guy's one and only goal is to have sex and they tend to run far away from those types. Why don't you actually be interested in people for the sake of being interested in people and not just trying to get your dingaling wet.
Always ask yourself, what's in it for the other person?
As a female I'm telling you there's a major difference. The antisocial only wanting sex screams serial killer. Fboys might ghost you, but the ones that think they are owed sex just because they have a pecker and probably put in no effort to their appearance are not the same. The fboy is attractive because they will know what they are doing
Whoa just lighten up. The poor guy has a bad case of social anxiety. How dare you write him off as a serial killer. He would like to have friends, be comfortable in social situations and be able to get laid for the first time in his 27-year life. He's male and has testosterone, hence a sexual desire. So what else is new? All you're doing is making him worse. "Oh how dare he want sex!" Why don't you just back off.
Therapy ASAP. Go often and regularly. Apply what you learn from yourself and your therapist. Start making friends (with the help of therapy) and then you can worry about relationships.
Sex is unavoidably a social thing. You have to get comfortable being social for it to really be part of your life.
Socializing is a skill though that you can practice. So you have a choice: practice socializing to become more comfortable interacting with people which can sometimes lead to sex. Or don't try and be the same as you are now and get bitter and complain about it forever.
Seeing a psychotherapist could probably help if it's a good one. Psychiatrists (a different thing than therapists) mainly just prescribe the medications and don't do in-depth therapy.
As someone that struggled with similar problems in my 20s. I would strongly recommend working on becoming more comfortable and confident in basic conversations.
Make friends with women and get comfortable chatting as friends. Build up your social confidence.
You have wrapped up your whole identity thinking that you need to get laid. Which probably makes you treat women like objects to be conquered, but perhaps you recognize this and you get nervous talking to girls.
>i keep crying myself to sleep knowing that im not getting any younger and missed out on a lot of fun.
Jesus, dude.
As others have mentioned, your “severe social anxiety and low self esteem” is probably why. I imagine you don’t see the issues with yourself when trying to interact with women. But I think you need to focus on bettering yourself before even considering brining another person into your life and subjecting them to being around such a negative outlook on life. Sex isn’t the end all be all, it’s just sex.
The complete lack of social skills, social anxiety, and low self esteem naturally drive an inability to get laid and should be rectified for your overall quality of life in the first place.
Women generally aren't interested in guys who have no confidence or social skills. Those are things you can learn, but it doesn't sound like you're interested in doing so.
Don’t worry Brody I was in the same boat as you a few years ago. Once I kinda just forgot about looking for something more than friends that’s when my whole perspective on life changed. Just talk to women only assuming they’re gonna be your friend some of them might want more and some of them won’t but at the end of the day who cares just be you in a way where you don’t really care what other people will think about you and be confident in it. It’s actually very easy to make friends once you don’t care about having friends if that makes sense
>Why is it so hard for me to get laid?
>**im almost 27 no friends and never had sex before, i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem**
_Did you possibly take a hockey-puck to the frontal lobe?_ Naturally you won't attract a partner suffering from anxiety attacks attempting to even be around people.
#**See a therapist.**
I mean, you just listed a litany of reasons why you’re not getting laid. And that is not your issue, you need to see your doctor and a clinical psychiatrist, and then maybe afterwards you can make your priority to get laid. But at the moment, you ain’t in the place where its likely to happen and if it does you won’t enjoy it in your current headspace. Get yourself sorted first bro.
Dude, not getting laid is the least of your issues.
You want to get fucked? Be someone that someone else wants to fuck. What do you bring to the table?
The only thing you can do to fix this is expose yourself out there until you start getting more comfortable with this kind of scenarios. Maybe try dating apps, they are easier if you suffer anxiety imo but lower your standards at first, take it as training (don't play with anyone's feelings though, always be clear). It's never too late, you can have the best time of your life from now on, just need to make little steps. And what other people have said also: therapy, try to do new hobbies and make friends.
>i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem, i try to be as presentable as possible but i cant hold a conversation with anyone,
You answered your own question.
Yes a therapist would be the next step.
I think you answered your own question in the first paragraph. Definitely get a therapist. You may have an underlying trauma related issue that is holding you back. I suggest getting diagnosed and getting medication too. It seems like you've got a lot going on and need support.
You deserve to feel better. Don't shame yourself into resentment. Don't let your self judgement make you hate people who have something that you want. It can get better.
It may even be a good strategy, thought maybe not the best one, to just pretend you've had sex before. You could learn a lot online about how to navigate it successfully. Many of us, even after several sexual encounters, aren't that skilled. I'm not sure what your sexuality is but there are ways to inform yourself without experience.
A therapist could help. Also, hire a dating coach - and I don't mean one of the fake Pick up Artist ones. Dating is a skill, which most of us need to learn.
first off, that shit ain't healthy and you probably should get some therapy.
That's for the friend and resentment shit, the not getting laid is a *waaaaay* later thing to deal with.
For that, you're going to need social calibration and charisma, neither of which you can get while you're malding at teens.
Well, usually to get laid you need to talk to the other person unless you're a footballer, rapper, actor etc. So I'm afraid the only way to get over social anxiety is by stepping out of your comfort zone
Sex should be low on your list of priorities. You got bigger fish to fry and if you really need the nookie maybe invest in a prostitute or a high-end sex doll while you work on yourself and you'll notice that as you improve yourself as a person all the other stuff you wish for will begin following suit.
You don't go from no friends and can't hold a conversation to immediately getting laid. Women like when you can actually talk to them....build up your social skills. Whatever your hobby is, there are people that are into it. Learn how to socialize and build a sense of humor. Being funny always helps.
You answered your own question…. But find a hobby you like and go do it to find friends.
If your good at sports try, coed softball, you can sign up and be placed on a team. This will give you a weekly group of people you can be around for a few weeks. Plus there’s multiple leagues going on at once. So one team is 10+ people. If you do two nights a week on different teams, you got 20+ people you have to be with.
Coed basketball, not as many people on a team but still, people you have to interact with.
The key is to put yourself in situations where people what to get along with you so both parties will try to interact.
This is what I did, and it helped a lot.
You answered your own question.
I'm in a similar position, i don't leave the house, i only talk to my small circle of friends and i also have social anxiety. I'm a girl though and Idk if you actually make an effort, but me personally, I've done very little (nothing) to actually get into dating. I've only chatted with a few people online, but I've never went out of my way to go on a date. I'm not lying to myself or pitying myself for not getting laid though.
So, I think there are two options - 1. You're like me and you wish these things happen to you, but you actively do absolutely nothing to make it happen. In that case, why would you think you're owed sex? Do you think randoms will just throw themselves at your penis, just because you exist in the same space as them?
2. You have tried talking and hitting on women, but it never works out. If that's the case, i urge you to work on yourself. Social anxiety can make you awkward and weird. I know i am like that sometimes. Practice how you interact with people in front of the mirror. And most importantly, don't think you're owed anything, just because you tried. Other people are individuals with minds and feelings of their own and the more you understand that, the easier it'll get to click with someone.
If you don't care about anything else other than banging someone, i think your best bet is going to a club. It's probably the place where you have the highest chance of meeting someone who only wants a ons.
I also want to say that maybe you should focus on fixing yourself first. It's super easy to stop obsessing over relationships. Once you feel better in your own skin other people will start noticing it too
>i cant hold a conversation with anyone
That's why
>i don't have the balls to approach,
That's also why
>would a psychiatrist help?
I'd start with a psychologist. They can help with your self-esteem issues and social anxiety. They'll give you assignments and you're the one who has to do the work. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Dude, dont even worry about sex. Worry about building a social network. The sex will come naturally once you have more social connections.
Youll also probably realize sex wasnt worth the pedestal you currently have it on. Sex is nice! But friendship/companionship is better. If you think sex is so important, just get a prostitute and move on.
Brother you have to become the best version of yourself no short cuts around it physically fit, and financially stable/in your career to some extent those 2 accomplishments alone will give you massive internal confidence boost then you have to build your charisma/master the art of not giving a fuck by getting rejected 100-1000s of times you’ll notice yourself being able to pull women you thought were out your league.
I know this is dating advice and not medical advice but I do think therapy and having a psychiatrist prescribe you something for your anxiety would help you immensely. Meds changed my life. I’m so much better off in my professional life which was my biggest hurdle for a long time, but it benefited every other aspect of my life as well. Social anxiety is crippling and I think this is likely the root cause of your struggles with attracting and connecting with people. Best of luck!
Would seeking help from a psychiatrist be beneficial for someone experiencing social anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulties with relationships and intimacy?
A female here. I am an introvert but have learned to be an extrovert. I had loads of crushes when I was young but I realized my introvert personality was going to hinder my job search and my dating life. I ended up working at all these shitty jobs that forced me to socialize with others (sales, marketing, restaurant etc.,) I started that type of work around 17 and stopped by the time I was 27. It took me around 4 years to learn what type of small talk was appropriate and what wasn't. If I could I wouldn't want to talk to anyone for more than 2-5 minutes. But I understand that I can't live my life like that. I didn't have social anxiety... I just didn't really care to talk to others as I was content in just doing my own thing at my own time.
I heeded the advice of my family to be more extroverted. It was really hard and brutal the first few years as I started out thinking small talk was stupid, then realizing it was part of the initial process of getting comfortable with someone I didn't know.
I know it is a little different as I had men asking me out so I didn't have to ask them out. But it was hard to keep the relationship interesting as I kept to myself a lot. Due to me doing sales and wanting to push myself I also dated a lot. Many of the men liked me but felt I wasnt very chatty or interesting or also was told I don't seem interested. Sadly, that was because I just didn't like talking back then. I had a lot of ideas and places I wanted to go to and try but I just didn't know how to tell someone I didn't know my thoughts. It wasn't fear of rejection, it was just my comfort level. It's not like my family I've known since I was a child and could tell them anything. All the things I say can come back to haunt me so I rather just keep to myself.
I was seriously dating around age 19 and it took me until I was closer to 27 before I dated the one I ended up marrying. PS. Can't build a relationship only on sex, it's important but that isn't the only thing.
Truthfully, the saying "you have to love yourself before you can love others" is really good advice. You need to have all the tools to conquer your fears (doesn't mean you'll never have any, it just means if something comes your way you have the tools to help you navigate to work out your fear). You need to be able to be comfortable with yourself and accept what you need to change for a better life and be ready for discomfort and change.
Forget about sex now. If you're in a hurry for that, girls will notice it and will avoid you. Think about a passion you have or something you'll like to explore. It'll be better if it doesn't have to do with business or your regular job. Think about gardening, bicycle, mount trekking, etc. Look for some kind of activity that will expose you to other people. Make friends, and approach women as friends, not potential mates... for now. Once you gain confidence you may do that approach in a very sincere and respectful way. Girls like that. Eventually you'll find yourself in a relationship. That's the normal course of things. We want to love and to be loved.
Reframe it. You're only 27.
A psychiatrist might help. I suggest trying several, to see if there is one you really vibe with.
And for now, I would say, don't even think about sex and dating. Look, if you really wanted sex, just pay for a hooker. If you want a relationship, you need to be a man first. Honestly, until you can be socially healthy with positive healthy, confident (but not cocky) self-esteem, you're not a man. Your confidence and how you carry yourself is A-Number-1. No confidence, you're a turn-off, an after thought. A woman needs a man to take lead (without being creepy or pushy). No one can fix your self-esteem, except you. It comes from how you're choosing to think about yourself. Low self-esteem comes from a life-long habit of negative self-talk, so you gotta go mentally in the opposite direction. Fix that first, provided you are reasonably fit, well-dressed like out of GQ or Esquire magazine, and have straight, clean teeth and a fashionable pair of shoes.
It’s just a gigantic wall of text about therapy.
Bro needs a hooker to just get it over with and/or a plane ticket to a sexually adventurous, hard-partying country like Sweden. Actually getting some ass will help him wayyy more than therapy.
My boyfriend experienced pretty much the same thing (before we met). He was a virgin until he was 24, was shy and never had a girlfriend before me. Long story short, he won me over by being the kindest person I know. Getting "laid" or casual sex might not be right for you. If you're having trouble connecting with women, try starting off as friends. Play up your physically attractive qualities (everyone has a type, play up whatever your style is) and open yourself up to people who show an interest in you, especially outgoing women. Good luck OP, I'm sure you'll meet a wonderful woman and make her very happy!
Because you view sex as a prize, and you view women as the gatekeepers to that prize.
Your mindset is fucked, and needs to change before you can actually get fucked.
Yes a psychiatrist can help. I’m sorry you’re in this spot, but the worst thing you can do is keep doing what you’re doing and hope something miraculously changes. I think therapy is a great idea because you’ll ideally get help and advice that is tailored to you and a starting place to build from. Yes there are some decisions you could’ve made that may have lead you to a different outcome, but focusing on those regrets is keeping you stuck in place. If getting laid is the main priority there are ways to do that without all of the prior steps (meeting somebody, building a relationship, getting to the sex stage), only you know if that’s a good idea for you or not.
Yes to therapy. Also don’t focus on sex, focus on becoming more social without trying to make that happen. Join a co-ed group… I recommend partner dancing (salsa, swing, ballroom, find one you think could be fun even if it’s terrifying). Yes it’s scary, you need to “feel the fear and do it anyway” that is the only way to overcome this. You’ll meet women on day 1 in class, just try not to have RBF and absolutely do not hit on anyone, just try to be friendly. It will take practice, but this is a structured place to practice (the dance and being social). This will be uncomfortable for months, most likely, but hopefully you’ll see progress. Discuss how it’s going with therapist, they can help guide you. I’ve seen many people gain confidence from belonging to scenes like this.
I regret to inform you that casual sex just hollows you out. Here's why: people aren't there to be sources of your pleasure. Rather, people are there for you to live alongside them. Looking to "get laid" leads to a view of women wherein they are just pawns in your game of self-gratification.
This leaves the question: what do you do with your desires for sex? Are they bad? Maybe they are in some situations. I often have thoughts about actions relating to sex that are totally inappropriate. I will usually be able to avoid giving into them, though. It takes practice, but practice breeds competency.
If you get to know people better and focus on being of service to them, you will learn to love people, rather than expecting so much from them. This is the way toward having a healthy relationship with a woman. If you focus on helping others, you will learn to appreciate how much others are helping you, develop skills of helping them, and your goal will not be tied up in the reactions of others. This will help to build your confidence, since you'll be acting in a way that leads you toward your goal rather than giving into a simple sort of "hunger."
You've got time. Don't worry. And if you need more advice, I'll be around.
You have to treat women like people before you think about being in a relationship with one.
You ever heard the term "don't put women on a pedestal" it doesn't mean don't worship women, it means treat them as equals.
If you're in a relationship there's nothing with worshipping your partner.
It really depends how attractive you are. I’ve been told I have good style, and that I’m good looking, and I’ve shot maybe 200 shots with women got a bunch of numbers instagram lately, but can never get that second interaction. One of the girls I was talking to all night straight up started talking to another guy in front of me so I just said have a good night. You have to put yourself out there, but if they say no, or disrespect you just leave it be.
Just go on as many dates as possible, but I want you to do this to gain experience. More time conversing, your types of words and your confidence will naturally get a whole lot better which gets women. There is going to be good dates and bad dates don't even worry about it.. That's all part of the learning experience.
Remember you are going on dates for experience not to try to get laid... That's going to happen naturally as you get more comfortable, go for fun what happens happens.
I’m always a bit confused when folks say they don’t have friends but want a sexual partner. Putting the cart before the horse.
Friendship, whether it’s a surface-level, casual friendship or a deeper more intimate one, is the basis for any relationship. If you can’t be friends then why would you expect more?
Echoing everyone else that therapy is recommended but don’t forget that sex comes from having interpersonal skills that you develop through friendships and positive relationships with the people around you.
You need a therapist and a hooker. Until you are able to overcome your social anxiety I think you will have a very difficult time taking a conversation with a woman to the point where she’s taking her clothes off for you. Unless you’re paying her, hence the hooker.
Get outside and socialize or you will never overcome your fear.
Easiest solution is to get help for social anxiety. I started years ago in therapy but wasn't to get laid, just for myself but if that's your motivation then do it. Since then it helped build my confidence with everything, before I couldn't even talk on the phone in any scenario. I felt nervous and unsure about myself for some weird reason, it takes work but it can happen. Won't say I don't still get anxious at times and my words don't get jumbled in social situations but I maneuver a bit better. And with attracting someone as long as you're not desperate about it and giving off desperate "energy" it'll happen pretty easily. Just be calm about it and show genuine interest.
no a psychiatrist won't help, the truth is you need to optimise your looks and social skills:
- Gym
- Self development books
There isn't really another answer, if you don't optimise these things then you are just cheating yourself
This will probably get downvoted as most real advice does on reddit
Learn how to value yourself. What are you good at and how can it make a positive outcome on you? If you don't have anything then think about what you'd like to become good at. If you don't see anything then think about what would you like to improve about yourself? Understanding the problem and how to fix it goes a long way
A lot of us often put labels on ourselves and remain prisoner to them. You are totally capable of finding love and ‘getting laid’. Once you discover that confidence you’ve always had within you, the version of you that believes that you have low self esteem will be a distant memory. With practice and reflection, you can put yourself out there more and more. Sometimes, if not always, we get hurt and feel rejected in the process but ultimately we grow as people because of it. It allows us to figure out what we like and don’t like, and we discover ourselves. I suggest reading into stoicism, this has helped me a lot.
I understand your resentment. I’ve been in that position too. However the more I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, the more I realised resentment eats away at us. Have compassion for yourself, remember you have the ability to control your confidence and belief in yourself. Sounds simple but this can be hard I know. Don’t waste your youth in self pity, break out of the limiting beliefs your brain has created in its attempt to protect you. It’s ok to cry, but take little steps. Watch videos about people who broke out of their social anxiety. If I did it, I know you can too!
I also have severe social anxiety and something that helped remind me of my own journey with social anxiety is a story I read. Basically it was someone that was in therapy and struggling making deeper relationships and the therapist asked them if they might be closed off when it came to talking to people and creating relationships. That reminder has been something that has really helped me because I tend to be very guarded and closed off with new people without realizing because of the severe social anxiety.
I definitely recommend seeing a psychiatrist/therapist/social worker!! It can help discouraging if you don’t click with your first therapist but therapy has helped me to gain a better perspective of social anxiety and what my social anxiety looks like day to day. Everyone’s journey in life and with mental health is different so be kind to yourself <3 wishing you the best of luck!!
The only way is to hit the gym and grow a pair of balls to speak with girls. Aim to have dates to know the girl, improve ur skills, snd have fun. Getting laid will come afterwards
I would highly recommend Landmark Worldwide a program about transformation about you and your life. You need to discover why you are being the way you are and take steps through this programs Leaders to transform yourself...goodluck
This is gonna sound dickish but you gotta alter how you look at things and handle things. Continuing to stand still and just accept these issue is why. Always be moving forward and always tackling thr next challenge. Find sole hobbies that include people thus helping breaking the social anxiety mess. The self esteem stuff, alter your appearance. Get a new wardrobe, go to the gym or work out at home, hell get a fresh hair cut. All of these things can be fixed with work and determination. Setting their crying fixes nothing. Stand up, dust the dirt off your ass and move forward, no one is gonna help you but you bro taco. AND if you need a therapist or what not. Get one but that's literally 1 minor thing.
Need to get yourself out there and make new friends and socialize however you can. It took me until 29 to lose my virginity and I did so by having confidence. For me that confidence came from moving out of my parents to take control of my own life and socializing with new people creating connections
If you believe that life is happening outside yourself and that you're letting it pass you by, you're going to have problems. But if you develop the belief that Life is what happens inside yourself, and that you have an unchanging source within from which your life springs, you won't have to treat yourself and what's happening in the "outer" world with such seriousness. You are just separated from the herd. Your plans for life are set on a different timetable. Comparisons are useless. Everything is in order according to YOUR timetable.
Honestly, you seem to know what things you're bad at, have you tried working on them? It sounds like you're on the right path just stuck. I think getting Mental therapy is a definite, even if this wasn't about getting laid.
This is going to suck to hear, but everyone has issues, nobody needs other people's issues too. So make major adjustments in your life first then focus your priorities on dating. I'm telling you this with confidence, there is a person out there for everyone, and everything that makes you attractive to others is very much fixable whether it's how you present yourself or how you talk with people..
I don't think all is lost tho.
Hey OP. I want to be clear, all of us say this from a place of love in the hopes that you seek and relieve the help you need to help you improve for you.
Don't worry about getting laid. First seek help to address your lack of social skills, as this could be a core reason for your confidence issues.
None of this exists in a vacuum and they go hand in hand. Meeting people in real life is very much time and place and who you know when you know them.
Knowing people helps with that.
It's tough but you have to do things that will get you meeting other people. your people are out there, having a friend group is an important step in finding a partner.
I was in your postion and i got out and did social clubs activites and discovered a bunch of people who were nervous/shy but looking for friends as well
Please don’t be disheartened.
Just grow courage and go up to a girl today and say hi, introduce yourself and say ‘I liked such and such thing about you’
Trust me I’ve been the hard road myself so know it. And don’t punish yourself if she rejects you, coz they will. Rejection is only the beginning of self discovery.
Message me directly if you need to talk to me
Not necessarily a psychiatrist, but definitely start with therapy and seeing a psychologist. Majority of questions we ask about ourselves and our personalities can be answered by talking to the right specialists. The downside is that you have to budget for it, but I promise you, it’s worth it.
Build basic social skills and work on yourself (gym, hobbies etc...) first before you start dating women.
One of the biggest assets a man can have is being socially competent. Women can read social inept vibes within 10 seconds in meeting you.
Go out with an attitude in making friends rather than chasing sex.
You are still young dude, chill out. Get out of your house and do random shit. Easy things are sports, arranged group travel and volunteering. Steer clear from sitting alone at home.
I was like you and the only way to break the cycle is to confront your fears.
What's the worst thing that could happen? The girl says no. That's it.
You'll feel free. You don't have that burden on your shoulders and realize you were afraid of nothing.
>, i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem.... i cant hold a conversation with anyone, i get a lot of girls staring at me but i don't have the balls to approach, as i get older i become more resentful towards couples especially teen couples.
Unfortunately, these above would make it a barrier
>would a psychiatrist help? i feel like life is escaping me.
Psychologist yes. You may not need medical intervention but talk therapy helps.
Well u must be antisocial and you need maybe dating sites to talk to woman maybe thing will be better for u u need to get out there don't be afraid to let urself out there u know u can do it. Being shy is not always good it don't get u anywhere
As a girl myself I think it just depends on who intrigues you ? If that makes sense . Considering you have social anxiety it’s a lot harder on your part but I would say maybe start dating apps start talking through text slowly work your way to ft and see what happens afterwards . Just slowly build yourself :) it’s okay !!! You got it <3
I'm here to help you out king.
First off, always value the friends you have and make, because I found my first girlfriend through networks, classes, and friend circles. Working on social anxiety can help. You definitely want to feel good about yourself before you aim to lose your v card.
Now, I'll talk about the v card part:
Before I give my advice, have those condoms ready unless you're planning to wife and impregnate this person. You don't want to do that before you're ready for it. I promise you.
Also, always make sure to get consent. Those are the first basics to nail.
Next: There are women in their 20's, and there are prospective milfs in their 30's and beyond who will want to have sex with you, and the sex is still good as you get older. I've even been told it gets better by actual older people than me.
Don't resent the teens. Most of them don't know what they're doing, and many of them wait until after high school and college to lose their virginity because they don't want to get pregnant in high school. I waited until 21, and it honestly surprised me when the opportunity came. In retrospect, I could have waited longer imo.
Pro Tip: Something you may take comfort in is that women value virgins because they aren't dogs. That being said, I wouldn't mention that you're a virgin to the person you're trying to have sex with, as it might scare them away and make them think you're 'inexperienced'. I didn't tell the women I first had sex with that I was a virgin, and the sex went fine, and now I'm no longer a virgin. There's no need to mention body counts. The only two bodies that matter are your body and her body.
Please stick around, because I think you can do it. Once you build your self-esteem and self confidence, and challenge yourself to join social groups where you can meet women that attract you, I promise you that it will be impossible for you not to eventually get laid. The only reason I lost my virginity was because I happened to meet another single woman around my age that also wanted to have sex with someone, and I was enough her type for her to want to lay me. If that hadn't had happened, I would be a 29 year old virgin showing solidarity with you right now. I promise it's a little overrated and overly worshipped, and fapping is still awesome. Sex is just fapping each other with your parts. After you lose your virginity, you'll likely be less obsessed with doing it again. Like, I want to get married eventually, but I'm not craving sex like I was when I was still a virgin.
Also, please disregard any negative judgement towards you as a virgin. There is no shame in it.
It happens when it happens. Just give it time.
I just have one suggestion, besides agreeing that therapy would help greatly with self esteem and social anxiety. Those have to be worked on before you can successfully meet someone. My suggestion: Your goal #1 should not be to “get laid.” Meet people, talk to people as friends and hang out with friends- of- friends in low pressure group settings. Things can spring off from there with new people, and if nothing else, it’ll give you a confidence boost to talk to people you don’t know.
Find a psychologist, and start to work on your self worth. It all starts with you. Even if you're in a relationship (you eventually will be, I promise), opening up and becoming vulnerable is difficult because you may not love yourself. If this person leaves you, it's not going to do any favors for your self worth.
So fix you, unpack the past and the wounds so you don't bleed on the next person.
Therapy, balanced sleep, nutritious food, surround yourself with good friends, and have outlets (sports, catch up with a friend once a week)
Don't worry, as long as you put in the work, everything will fall into place.
Yes, a psychiatrist can help. Book a consultation. You probably have some unresolved childhood trauma and complex PTSD which affects your relationships and your self esteem. Time to talk to someone who can help you.
The only answer is to force yourself out of your comfort zone and get out there. There's nothing else that will do it. Sure it's going to be uncomfortable, but you'll get past it.
your at an age where you don't have much to lose
You're past the point of needing to be "cool" and your at the perfect age to get girls anywhere between 20&30
You need to stop living inside your own head and just start throwing yourself out there
The casual sex and dating scene is a fickle beast theres no one size fits all solution
Your going to give some girls an isntant ick and others will be down to have sex
Pro tip : try to be funny and you will get laid
Man if I had a dollar for every time "therapy" and "psychistry" was mentioned in these comments, I'd basically have at least another paycheck this month lol
You need to work on your self esteem, confidence is key. If you have confidence people can feel it and it makes you more attractive already as well as helping you overcome worries. Try listening to podcasts that can help with talking to others and try things that can boost with confidence (I started working out and it boosted mine). At the end of the day just remember that everyone has their doubts and u aren’t alone there’s people that feel the same way some r just better at hiding it then others
You're on Reddit. Go to NSFW communities (locals for you)
You'll get laid.
But being "laid" (as a virgin) is probably not going to be what you expected..
Psychiatric help, in my opinion, may help but do your reach on who you choose. Some medical professionals clock in to help, some clock in for a check..
I wish you all the best.
But if you honestly just want to her laid..You're first step is reddit..nsfw communities are guarantees. men /women engaging in those communities are always ready to get laid. Marriage, relationship status. Age, race, morals... none of that matters
*"im almost 27 no friends and never had sex before, i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem"*
For me, age doesn't matter.. it's part of your personality - social anxiety. Having a check with a psychiatrist will help you to figure things out, they could give you advice and steps to do. Or you could do it yourself by just starting from the basics, and engaging with people. Have you tried talking to someone even online? if not, why not give it a try, and see how it goes?
Take an improv class/speech classes and focus on being the best at that first. It’ll help you brake out of your shell and the rest will slowly come. Focus on bettering yourself mentally.
Absolutely don’t try approaching a woman yet. You’re gonna choke and freak yourself out. Work your way up to it. Start small talk with anyone who looks open to it. Start with other guys until you get good at communication. When you eventually want to try talking to women, go into the conversation GENUINELY not expecting anything to come from it. Don’t try to get a date, a number, social media, etc. Just talk to people to build up your confidence in doing so. Only when you feel 100% confident platonically talking to strangers, AND 100% okay with rejection, you can consider actually approaching a woman romantically.
Flirting is a skill that takes practice. Good flirting leaves plenty of room for plausible deniability and exit opportunities for you and whoever you’re flirting with.
If you can’t get yourself to learn to talk to women, by talking to woman. Then you need a situation talking to people about something else. Try selling something, collect signatures, fund riser, ect. If you want to boost self confidence you need goals to conquer. Train on MMA, hardcore hikes/rock climbing, extreme sports, powerlifting/HIIT, ect. Find a fear you have and conquer it.
>i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem
>i cant hold a conversation with anyone
>i get a lot of girls staring at me but i don't have the balls to approach
>as i get older i become more resentful
That's why
You're coming to a dating related subreddit, and asking "why you can't get laid" seems to be enough to give you an immediate answer. If you're only dating for the hopes of getting laid. People can most likely read you like a book and often stray away from that. A good chunk of people want a relationship, not a sex session, especially in the late 20s. If you lack self-esteem and have low confidence, find ways to build on that. Go to the gym, clean yourself up, learn to love yourself instead of seeking validation in others, and you'll most likely find someone in time
Have you checked with someone who knows about witchcraft? Some men don’t know but they’re trapped and they don’t even know. It’s always good to check up on those kinds of things once or twice a year. We humans pick up on bad energy’s sometimes, that causes head aches and feeling lazy.
Bro you are young. Keep putting yourself out there and face your fears in approaching woman. They actually want that but most guys can’t overcome the first couple minutes. Stay confident and approach 10 girls next week. Your hit rate will increase very fast. 1 of the 10 will entertain.
What is it you’re afraid of? Concur that fear. The worst possible scenario playing out wouldn’t stop the world from turning and people forgetting and moving on. It’s easy to be in our own heads worrying about what other people think, but you have to “practice” acknowledging the fact that given 20min that person won’t even be thinking about the interaction. If it helps, practice talking with strangers that aren’t attractive. Put your electronics down and start visiting the world. Spend more time verbally speaking with people you’re familiar with. Push yourself to build your social skills. The only way to get something worthwhile in life is to be uncomfortable. It’s hard, you will suck at times, but you will look back and realize how much you’ve improved. Journal different conversations with people; choose a topic, find a stranger and bring that topic up, write about how long and well the conversation went. You will learn that it isn’t all you, sometimes conversations go sideways because other people are having a bad day which is totally unrelated to the conversation you’re trying to have. Compliment people and make sure you ask them a lot of questions and listen to their answers. People love to talk about themselves. A therapist will try and uncover WHY you have social anxiety. You have to do the work yourself, you have to push yourself to change and have a changed life. If you want therapy for low self esteem I would suggest cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT, look it up) which you can also do on your own, and for it to work you literally have to practice it daily. You can do this, you just have to put in the work. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
try online matching app like Boo, Plenty of Fish, Tandem, these can let you make friends easy, once you establish online friendship, you can meet up easier.
You're looking to get laid, which is not a relationship..even most women on one night stands carry the delusion that the guy they're hooking up with "might become a relationship".
You will need a psychologist and psychiatrist. Best way to treat social anxiety and low esteem will take medication, therapy, and you going out of your comfort zone. Try to talk to as many people as possible regardless if you are into them or not until you become comfortable talking and approaching anyone. Try to be friends with anyone until it’s easy. It’ll take time. Just realize change won’t happen over night but with therapy and medication that should make it easier for you to get out your comfort zone as the medication and therapy should definitely help you with the self esteem and at least help allieviate some things. Saying you have severe social anxiety and have no friends that likely means you have a serious case of anxiety that needs to be treated.
honest advice, might not be the easiest to do, but if it doesn’t help your situation nothing will- start at least going to the gym , or better yet go to martial arts classes, learn to fight and learn to be disciplined. People watch as i call it, i used to watch movies with Johnny Depp and mimick him because i had no idea how to be “confident”, fake it till you make it literally! find your favorite actor and mimick him as much as you can everywhere, even if you feel shy or self conscious about it make yourself do it, cringe is the best beginning. Be positive, that’s the main rule, people like positive self conscious people more than cocky negative mfs. There’s a big chance you’ll find shy self conscious girl like yourself and yall be happy. Get rid of your ego, only you stopping yourself from becoming the best version of yourself, so in order to become who you want to be you have to let go of who you are… and remember strong body = strong mind, god would not give you these struggles and sufferings if he didn’t believed that you will make it thru them.
Not really. A psychiatrist isn't gonna teach you game, and what signals are attractive to women.
But obviously you have deep issues. My point is that you can't put talking to girls "on hold" until you come out of the psychiatrist's office completely cured of all your insecurities.
That's not how life works. Time is ticking down regardless of whether you're ready for life. And here's the thing: Nobody is every truly completely ready. You kinda just have to go with what you got otherwise, well, you know what happens, 27 year old virgin is what happens, right?
Other people say make friends... I'm one to disagree, I think you can get a girlfriend and get laid without having friends.
Make a tinder account. Slide in bitches dms. Practice talking to girls.
Don’t make it about getting laid for crying out loud!
Make it about finding someone that you have a connection with and seeing if you want to take it to the next level.
Start at first base, go slow, when in doubt – do nothing!
You got this, but you can’t start at home base !
Especially if you want to be with someone of substance!
. . . or do you just want to get laid?
I say GO TRAVEL. It’s summer… book a party hostel for a week in Montreal and make your way to Quebec City.
If you look good don’t even have to approach, you get approached. And being abroad will force you out of your shell so you may find yourself approaching.
And 27 is a fine age to get laid for the first time!
Same deal with me, met a girl at a party and I messaged her the next day and she left it on read and liked it. Didn’t know I was supposed to approach her the next time I saw her. Hey whatever
That’s unfortunate, but it’s usually not that easy to get laid when your a guy, especially if you have kinda high standards. Lower your standards maybe and also if your 27 and haven’t had sex yet then either find an escort (prostitute basically) either illegally or plan a trip to a place where it is legal. I’m sure a lot of people will say that’s not a good idea, but you’ve gotta get over that hump of being a virgin. It will at least help clear your mind of it so you can at least know you can say you’ve been laid. Then maybe it will be easier to get laid naturally. Don’t let the whole “getting laid” shit bring you down. It’s not at all as important as it’s made out to be. There is much more to life and being happy/successful/etc. than getting laid. Either way it will happen eventually but idk if I hadn’t got laid by 27 I’d 100% be down w getting a prostitute 🤷🏻♂️
If something makes you anxious maybe it is more important to you. Maybe people who date a lot and not anxious about approaching others maybe also do not know the importance and value of it. We are all different. Do not be saddened by that. But yes it is good to know what I feel , how I feel. Next to work on that. What belief is causing you be anxious? What does it make for you hard to approach somebody? Whatever is meant for you will not pass by it. Do not be saddened by thinking you lost or losing still. What are you racing with? I value what do you feel. I run after many things by thinking I am behind also. But I also know those are based on my hidden system. Like some people have so many goals and dcipline and busy. Maybe they are also trying proving themselves subconsciously and no idea what was the beauty of life or they were never at the moment. They might be in race all the time. And Life usually teaches for those who thinks they are late by making them more late 😂. Joking. But I believe there is a wisdom in all. Maybe the thing you are after and not there teaching you look into yourself and be busy with yourself or maybe you are fearing to be left out alone. Whatever you feel all are valuable and valuable data about you and lessons for you. Some people also tasted love but also suffered a lot. Nothing also just smooth. There are different sides of all. What I mean everyone goes through something. Do not saddened by thinking you lost something.
This is for advice about specific dating situations. What you posted is better posted on the weekly vent thread or r/offmychest.
>i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem I mean, you kind of answered your own question right here.
This, unless you wanna pay for it. Fixing this would be the first priority. Don't expect immediate results as well.
This. The instant-gratification era is really taking its toll on people and their perceptions of relationships. Even if he fixes those main things it very well might take him another ten full years of trying and rejection until he finally meets someone who meshes well with him. People need to learn the harsh reality that just fixing your own personal main issues doesn't magically make anyone obligated to date you.....you have to be desirable to them in the first place.
I get the criticism of instant gratification, but can we just be honest and admit that 10 years of rejection IS unreasonable and shouldn't be happening toward someone who is working on their self esteem and anxiety? And that it is absolutely completely reasonable to be dejected and angry by this amount of time?
It's a pity, and I feel for him, but there's no "should" involved, since no one owes him anything, nor is he entitled to anything. Relationships are not a reward bestowed upon you once you've checked all the boxes. It's a mutual exchange of affection, and people are free to give their affection (or not) as they please.
THANK YOU. It's not that anyone owes anyone affection. But rejection is hard to go through and becomes a problem ON TOP of all the original problems. I got my first girlfriend at 30. I had good times and truly loved her. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that will completely erase that period of loneliness and what you learn. It's like escaping the matrix. All love is conditional. Relationships are a concrete exchange of value between 2 or more people. People care about how their partners reflect on them in terms of social status. Despite how progressive society is, 95% of people want to succeed and be valued in terms of normal gender roles. You can beat the game, but the game loses its meaning because now you know the stuff that it is made of. Also you want to flip a table every time people talk about how they're "concerned" or "feel bad for" that one friend who "needs to work on themselves." God people are the worst.
I don't really fully agree with that. I personally love people. I'm just saying that being angry or depressed or finding that 10 years is too long is completely reasonable. But I will never justify or condone misanthropy.
Just because you know the game doesn't make it meaningless. Infact, being a Monday morning quarterback should simplify the process.
But he isn't working on his self esteem... or anything for that matter.
I know, but the reply I commented on said it would take another 10 years even WITH working on himself. That's what I was criticizing.
... Says who? Unreasonable by whose standards? Where's the law that says someone who is working on themselves gets a relationship and sex? Who is there to be angry at? Is there a union of people dictating who does and doesn't get dates?
😂stop clowning 10 years of rejection?! Woah , ill advise you also enroll for a degree, a master and PhD… on the SIDE
All jokes aside, don’t (directly) pay for it. I’ve made that mistake when I was in your situation. I ended up spending thousands of dollars over the years. I did eventually get better with women, but the urge to pay for it never fully subsided.
Yea I’d get a prostitute 100% lol. Fuck it, go to Vegas
I genuinely thought this was a shitpost
The whole post was all the answers he needed.
Maybe getting laid was the friends we made along the way.
OMG... that was hilarious
This. You need to go outside your comfort zone to get laid or find a girlfriend. They won’t just fall in your lap. Force yourself to socialize at bars with random women/men, that’ll make it easier in the long run.
He made a post talking to himself. He knows what the problem is he's venting loudly
His social anxiety is so bad he made one response in his thread then abandoned it 😭
Yep, loving yourself is the first step to get laid
"No friends, never had sex, severe social anxiety, low self esteem" "why is it so hard for me to get laid?" For now, forget getting laid. Focus on addressing the other issues. Make friends. Do therapy for social anxiety and self esteem. Practice holding a conversation with platonic friends. Build those skills first.
Now this.... has my vote. What is it that you enjoy doing? Could this be a good starting point towards meeting others? I lead a very active life and meet people through doing what I enjoy doing. I have met women whi have expressed interest towards me. Some I let into my life, others I do not. I think it is important to note that I live in a rural community and I love my life.
This is great advice. If you have something you're passionate about or a hobby or such that's your key. That way you shift the attention to the topic or thing, instead of yourself. You will probably find it necessary to keep your attention on what they say, not how you look, sound,etc. I have a bit of experience with this and my anxiety went away completely. It's practice. After you learned to put the attention on a topic or thing, the next step is to shift your attention, at least partially, onto the other person. Again you'll have to refocus it everytime your attention slips back on to yourself. You can practice and prepare for this by asking yourself: am I going to like them/she/him/it? Thats the important question. Keep it close to mind at all times. What do I like about them? What do I generally want in people? Good luck Max
fr
>no friends ... i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem ... but i cant hold a conversation with anyone ... i get a lot of girls staring at me but i don't have the balls to approach This is the reason. >would a psychiatrist help? i feel like life is escaping me. Absolutely. Therapy is the most effective solution to severe social anxiety and low self-esteem.
Adding in here that OP probably needs to seek a therapist, not a psychiatrist. Seeking mental health services can be overwhelming, so just clarifying to avoid the frustration of searching for the wrong word.
Be careful. Psychiatrists are therapists who are doctors, and they tend to lean toward medication as a crutch but will likely refer you to a therapist for the long term. Therapists are behavioral -- teaching you to deal with anxieties and such. Besides, therapists can refer you to a psychiatrist for meds if he/she thinks your condition warrants a medicine "crutch." But a lot of the meds are addictive. You probably don't need that. You need someone to help you get outside yourself. If you're going to get help, go to a therapist first so you don't end up on meds right out of the gate.
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* You don't have any friends (which means you have less opportunities for meeting people and you're probably not great at socializing because you don't get to practice). * You have severe social anxiety. * You have low self esteem. * You can't hold a conversation with anyone. * You don't approach anyone. * You're resentful of other people. * You're sound like you're struggling with depression. Those are all things that are going to make it hard for you to "get laid." You should absolutely be seeking professional help.
A psychiatrist seems like a good idea for this guy in general…. Not just “to get laid” And the first session can be “if your only incentive for therapy is to get laid, this is going to be an expensive few years”.
Try some therapy to help with your anxiety, it can help a lot, then try make some friends! Try talking to people. Making friends is hard but if you try find some hobbies it will be easier and give you something to talk about. Read, share opinions and put yourself out there. Goodluck!
Hey im not the OP but i have the same problem. Where can i go to get therapy and find someone who would really care to help me?
There’s loads of providers now. You can get referred to NHS talking therapies if you’re in the uk, there’s online providers like better help, I’ve tried a subsidiary of theirs for couples counselling I found it really helpful. Some people can get some off their life insurance, or through company benefits aswell. Then there’s always standard in person ones in most cities. You have to go in with the right mindset to want help and want to change with an open mind. A therapist won’t solve all your problems for you. They well help you look inwards into yourself and help you identify and understand your own behaviours. Some also offer CBT cognitive behavioural therapy to help you change your reactions to certain thoughts emotions and situations. I thought it was a load of crap till I hit tipping point that it wouldn’t help, couldn’t get interested. But after I had a bad issue I couldn’t work through myself and everything I’d bottled up came to a head, I found talking about it really helped. For more medical diagnosis you would need a psychiatrist rather than a therapist I think if I got the terms right! I’d try a therapist first and see if it helps. Talking therapy helps more people and has better results. Therapy with medication is not proven to be any more beneficial, the medication can actually hinder it. Medication alone doesn’t perform well compared to talking therapy. Hope you find what you need ♥️
Yes, therapy would help you.
Bros like why is it so hard to get laid and then immediately starts listing very clear reasons why it's hard to get laid lol
He was venting. Give the dude a break. I couldnt imagine what it would feel like being 27 and never getting your weiner wet. It's probably humiliating.
“Social anxiety and low self esteem” You answered your own question
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it is hard because you view it as being hard or difficult. you are in a self confirming negative feedback loop. hard to approach people - no friends - low self esteem which then makes you feel even worse and makes it harder to approach people. etc the cycle continues. go for a morning walk everyday, say hi or good morning to everyone you pass as you walk by them, don't start a conversation, just politely say hi or good morning nod, and keep walking. go to a coffee shop , order a coffee but first ask the barista what they like on the menu, anything looks good , what they're favorite drink is? don't ask more than that , just make consistent small talk with everyone you meet and your attitude will change when you realize people are just people like you and there is no need to be anxious. do this or something like this everyday. you are in your own head with anxiety and false negative self view, get out n to the world and you will feel much better.
Because women can tell when a guy's one and only goal is to have sex and they tend to run far away from those types. Why don't you actually be interested in people for the sake of being interested in people and not just trying to get your dingaling wet. Always ask yourself, what's in it for the other person?
clearly you haven’t met many women. there’s a reason fuckboys get laid a lot
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As a female I'm telling you there's a major difference. The antisocial only wanting sex screams serial killer. Fboys might ghost you, but the ones that think they are owed sex just because they have a pecker and probably put in no effort to their appearance are not the same. The fboy is attractive because they will know what they are doing
Whoa just lighten up. The poor guy has a bad case of social anxiety. How dare you write him off as a serial killer. He would like to have friends, be comfortable in social situations and be able to get laid for the first time in his 27-year life. He's male and has testosterone, hence a sexual desire. So what else is new? All you're doing is making him worse. "Oh how dare he want sex!" Why don't you just back off.
Hey this guy's clearly struggling. I know! Let's kick him when he's already down! 🙄🤦♂️
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Therapy ASAP. Go often and regularly. Apply what you learn from yourself and your therapist. Start making friends (with the help of therapy) and then you can worry about relationships.
Sex is unavoidably a social thing. You have to get comfortable being social for it to really be part of your life. Socializing is a skill though that you can practice. So you have a choice: practice socializing to become more comfortable interacting with people which can sometimes lead to sex. Or don't try and be the same as you are now and get bitter and complain about it forever. Seeing a psychotherapist could probably help if it's a good one. Psychiatrists (a different thing than therapists) mainly just prescribe the medications and don't do in-depth therapy.
The answer is simple. Your social anxiety is preventing you from meeting people! You should look into therapy.
Do guys really think women fall out of the sky and land on their dick?
That's basically how it works in porn, and if that's all they "know" about sex, then... yeah.
This lol. He’s acting like you don’t have to have charisma, be interesting, a good conversationalist etc
Have you tried talking to women
a few times and when i do i feel self conscious and unable to hold a conversation plus apparently i look unapproachable as i have RBF
Ok, you realize nobody can improve that for you, right? Trial and error.
As someone that struggled with similar problems in my 20s. I would strongly recommend working on becoming more comfortable and confident in basic conversations. Make friends with women and get comfortable chatting as friends. Build up your social confidence.
You have wrapped up your whole identity thinking that you need to get laid. Which probably makes you treat women like objects to be conquered, but perhaps you recognize this and you get nervous talking to girls. >i keep crying myself to sleep knowing that im not getting any younger and missed out on a lot of fun. Jesus, dude.
As others have mentioned, your “severe social anxiety and low self esteem” is probably why. I imagine you don’t see the issues with yourself when trying to interact with women. But I think you need to focus on bettering yourself before even considering brining another person into your life and subjecting them to being around such a negative outlook on life. Sex isn’t the end all be all, it’s just sex.
A therapist would definitely help. You need to build your self esteem and confidence which they can definitely help with
The complete lack of social skills, social anxiety, and low self esteem naturally drive an inability to get laid and should be rectified for your overall quality of life in the first place.
Women generally aren't interested in guys who have no confidence or social skills. Those are things you can learn, but it doesn't sound like you're interested in doing so.
Don’t worry Brody I was in the same boat as you a few years ago. Once I kinda just forgot about looking for something more than friends that’s when my whole perspective on life changed. Just talk to women only assuming they’re gonna be your friend some of them might want more and some of them won’t but at the end of the day who cares just be you in a way where you don’t really care what other people will think about you and be confident in it. It’s actually very easy to make friends once you don’t care about having friends if that makes sense
>Why is it so hard for me to get laid? >**im almost 27 no friends and never had sex before, i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem** _Did you possibly take a hockey-puck to the frontal lobe?_ Naturally you won't attract a partner suffering from anxiety attacks attempting to even be around people. #**See a therapist.**
I mean, you just listed a litany of reasons why you’re not getting laid. And that is not your issue, you need to see your doctor and a clinical psychiatrist, and then maybe afterwards you can make your priority to get laid. But at the moment, you ain’t in the place where its likely to happen and if it does you won’t enjoy it in your current headspace. Get yourself sorted first bro.
Therapy is recommended
Dude, not getting laid is the least of your issues. You want to get fucked? Be someone that someone else wants to fuck. What do you bring to the table?
A psychiatrist is the way to go. The first step to getting where you want to be is to work on yourself
Maybe it's because you answer your own questions too much?
The only thing you can do to fix this is expose yourself out there until you start getting more comfortable with this kind of scenarios. Maybe try dating apps, they are easier if you suffer anxiety imo but lower your standards at first, take it as training (don't play with anyone's feelings though, always be clear). It's never too late, you can have the best time of your life from now on, just need to make little steps. And what other people have said also: therapy, try to do new hobbies and make friends.
>i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem, i try to be as presentable as possible but i cant hold a conversation with anyone, You answered your own question. Yes a therapist would be the next step.
I think you answered your own question in the first paragraph. Definitely get a therapist. You may have an underlying trauma related issue that is holding you back. I suggest getting diagnosed and getting medication too. It seems like you've got a lot going on and need support. You deserve to feel better. Don't shame yourself into resentment. Don't let your self judgement make you hate people who have something that you want. It can get better. It may even be a good strategy, thought maybe not the best one, to just pretend you've had sex before. You could learn a lot online about how to navigate it successfully. Many of us, even after several sexual encounters, aren't that skilled. I'm not sure what your sexuality is but there are ways to inform yourself without experience.
A therapist could help. Also, hire a dating coach - and I don't mean one of the fake Pick up Artist ones. Dating is a skill, which most of us need to learn.
first off, that shit ain't healthy and you probably should get some therapy. That's for the friend and resentment shit, the not getting laid is a *waaaaay* later thing to deal with. For that, you're going to need social calibration and charisma, neither of which you can get while you're malding at teens.
Well, usually to get laid you need to talk to the other person unless you're a footballer, rapper, actor etc. So I'm afraid the only way to get over social anxiety is by stepping out of your comfort zone
Sex should be low on your list of priorities. You got bigger fish to fry and if you really need the nookie maybe invest in a prostitute or a high-end sex doll while you work on yourself and you'll notice that as you improve yourself as a person all the other stuff you wish for will begin following suit.
You don't go from no friends and can't hold a conversation to immediately getting laid. Women like when you can actually talk to them....build up your social skills. Whatever your hobby is, there are people that are into it. Learn how to socialize and build a sense of humor. Being funny always helps.
You answered your own question…. But find a hobby you like and go do it to find friends. If your good at sports try, coed softball, you can sign up and be placed on a team. This will give you a weekly group of people you can be around for a few weeks. Plus there’s multiple leagues going on at once. So one team is 10+ people. If you do two nights a week on different teams, you got 20+ people you have to be with. Coed basketball, not as many people on a team but still, people you have to interact with. The key is to put yourself in situations where people what to get along with you so both parties will try to interact. This is what I did, and it helped a lot.
Make friends with a woman before you even consider or focus on sex...
Exactly!! These men are something else like WTF? So you want to masturbate using a woman’s body. That is not sex.
You answered your own question. I'm in a similar position, i don't leave the house, i only talk to my small circle of friends and i also have social anxiety. I'm a girl though and Idk if you actually make an effort, but me personally, I've done very little (nothing) to actually get into dating. I've only chatted with a few people online, but I've never went out of my way to go on a date. I'm not lying to myself or pitying myself for not getting laid though. So, I think there are two options - 1. You're like me and you wish these things happen to you, but you actively do absolutely nothing to make it happen. In that case, why would you think you're owed sex? Do you think randoms will just throw themselves at your penis, just because you exist in the same space as them? 2. You have tried talking and hitting on women, but it never works out. If that's the case, i urge you to work on yourself. Social anxiety can make you awkward and weird. I know i am like that sometimes. Practice how you interact with people in front of the mirror. And most importantly, don't think you're owed anything, just because you tried. Other people are individuals with minds and feelings of their own and the more you understand that, the easier it'll get to click with someone. If you don't care about anything else other than banging someone, i think your best bet is going to a club. It's probably the place where you have the highest chance of meeting someone who only wants a ons. I also want to say that maybe you should focus on fixing yourself first. It's super easy to stop obsessing over relationships. Once you feel better in your own skin other people will start noticing it too
>i cant hold a conversation with anyone That's why >i don't have the balls to approach, That's also why >would a psychiatrist help? I'd start with a psychologist. They can help with your self-esteem issues and social anxiety. They'll give you assignments and you're the one who has to do the work. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Dude, dont even worry about sex. Worry about building a social network. The sex will come naturally once you have more social connections. Youll also probably realize sex wasnt worth the pedestal you currently have it on. Sex is nice! But friendship/companionship is better. If you think sex is so important, just get a prostitute and move on.
Brother you have to become the best version of yourself no short cuts around it physically fit, and financially stable/in your career to some extent those 2 accomplishments alone will give you massive internal confidence boost then you have to build your charisma/master the art of not giving a fuck by getting rejected 100-1000s of times you’ll notice yourself being able to pull women you thought were out your league.
I know this is dating advice and not medical advice but I do think therapy and having a psychiatrist prescribe you something for your anxiety would help you immensely. Meds changed my life. I’m so much better off in my professional life which was my biggest hurdle for a long time, but it benefited every other aspect of my life as well. Social anxiety is crippling and I think this is likely the root cause of your struggles with attracting and connecting with people. Best of luck!
Would seeking help from a psychiatrist be beneficial for someone experiencing social anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulties with relationships and intimacy?
A female here. I am an introvert but have learned to be an extrovert. I had loads of crushes when I was young but I realized my introvert personality was going to hinder my job search and my dating life. I ended up working at all these shitty jobs that forced me to socialize with others (sales, marketing, restaurant etc.,) I started that type of work around 17 and stopped by the time I was 27. It took me around 4 years to learn what type of small talk was appropriate and what wasn't. If I could I wouldn't want to talk to anyone for more than 2-5 minutes. But I understand that I can't live my life like that. I didn't have social anxiety... I just didn't really care to talk to others as I was content in just doing my own thing at my own time. I heeded the advice of my family to be more extroverted. It was really hard and brutal the first few years as I started out thinking small talk was stupid, then realizing it was part of the initial process of getting comfortable with someone I didn't know. I know it is a little different as I had men asking me out so I didn't have to ask them out. But it was hard to keep the relationship interesting as I kept to myself a lot. Due to me doing sales and wanting to push myself I also dated a lot. Many of the men liked me but felt I wasnt very chatty or interesting or also was told I don't seem interested. Sadly, that was because I just didn't like talking back then. I had a lot of ideas and places I wanted to go to and try but I just didn't know how to tell someone I didn't know my thoughts. It wasn't fear of rejection, it was just my comfort level. It's not like my family I've known since I was a child and could tell them anything. All the things I say can come back to haunt me so I rather just keep to myself. I was seriously dating around age 19 and it took me until I was closer to 27 before I dated the one I ended up marrying. PS. Can't build a relationship only on sex, it's important but that isn't the only thing. Truthfully, the saying "you have to love yourself before you can love others" is really good advice. You need to have all the tools to conquer your fears (doesn't mean you'll never have any, it just means if something comes your way you have the tools to help you navigate to work out your fear). You need to be able to be comfortable with yourself and accept what you need to change for a better life and be ready for discomfort and change.
Forget about sex now. If you're in a hurry for that, girls will notice it and will avoid you. Think about a passion you have or something you'll like to explore. It'll be better if it doesn't have to do with business or your regular job. Think about gardening, bicycle, mount trekking, etc. Look for some kind of activity that will expose you to other people. Make friends, and approach women as friends, not potential mates... for now. Once you gain confidence you may do that approach in a very sincere and respectful way. Girls like that. Eventually you'll find yourself in a relationship. That's the normal course of things. We want to love and to be loved.
STOP JERKING OFF! Helps boost up your game
First sentence, social skills matter.
Baby steps. Sex is social. Start off talking to your target demographic.
Reframe it. You're only 27. A psychiatrist might help. I suggest trying several, to see if there is one you really vibe with. And for now, I would say, don't even think about sex and dating. Look, if you really wanted sex, just pay for a hooker. If you want a relationship, you need to be a man first. Honestly, until you can be socially healthy with positive healthy, confident (but not cocky) self-esteem, you're not a man. Your confidence and how you carry yourself is A-Number-1. No confidence, you're a turn-off, an after thought. A woman needs a man to take lead (without being creepy or pushy). No one can fix your self-esteem, except you. It comes from how you're choosing to think about yourself. Low self-esteem comes from a life-long habit of negative self-talk, so you gotta go mentally in the opposite direction. Fix that first, provided you are reasonably fit, well-dressed like out of GQ or Esquire magazine, and have straight, clean teeth and a fashionable pair of shoes.
Horrible advice on these comments lol
It’s just a gigantic wall of text about therapy. Bro needs a hooker to just get it over with and/or a plane ticket to a sexually adventurous, hard-partying country like Sweden. Actually getting some ass will help him wayyy more than therapy.
Well it’s your life. You can either be a slave to your programming, or you can do something about it.
My boyfriend experienced pretty much the same thing (before we met). He was a virgin until he was 24, was shy and never had a girlfriend before me. Long story short, he won me over by being the kindest person I know. Getting "laid" or casual sex might not be right for you. If you're having trouble connecting with women, try starting off as friends. Play up your physically attractive qualities (everyone has a type, play up whatever your style is) and open yourself up to people who show an interest in you, especially outgoing women. Good luck OP, I'm sure you'll meet a wonderful woman and make her very happy!
Because you view sex as a prize, and you view women as the gatekeepers to that prize. Your mindset is fucked, and needs to change before you can actually get fucked.
Yes a psychiatrist can help. I’m sorry you’re in this spot, but the worst thing you can do is keep doing what you’re doing and hope something miraculously changes. I think therapy is a great idea because you’ll ideally get help and advice that is tailored to you and a starting place to build from. Yes there are some decisions you could’ve made that may have lead you to a different outcome, but focusing on those regrets is keeping you stuck in place. If getting laid is the main priority there are ways to do that without all of the prior steps (meeting somebody, building a relationship, getting to the sex stage), only you know if that’s a good idea for you or not.
Just want to point out that OP is looking for a therapist (mental health counselor), not a psychiatrist
Yes to therapy. Also don’t focus on sex, focus on becoming more social without trying to make that happen. Join a co-ed group… I recommend partner dancing (salsa, swing, ballroom, find one you think could be fun even if it’s terrifying). Yes it’s scary, you need to “feel the fear and do it anyway” that is the only way to overcome this. You’ll meet women on day 1 in class, just try not to have RBF and absolutely do not hit on anyone, just try to be friendly. It will take practice, but this is a structured place to practice (the dance and being social). This will be uncomfortable for months, most likely, but hopefully you’ll see progress. Discuss how it’s going with therapist, they can help guide you. I’ve seen many people gain confidence from belonging to scenes like this.
I regret to inform you that casual sex just hollows you out. Here's why: people aren't there to be sources of your pleasure. Rather, people are there for you to live alongside them. Looking to "get laid" leads to a view of women wherein they are just pawns in your game of self-gratification. This leaves the question: what do you do with your desires for sex? Are they bad? Maybe they are in some situations. I often have thoughts about actions relating to sex that are totally inappropriate. I will usually be able to avoid giving into them, though. It takes practice, but practice breeds competency. If you get to know people better and focus on being of service to them, you will learn to love people, rather than expecting so much from them. This is the way toward having a healthy relationship with a woman. If you focus on helping others, you will learn to appreciate how much others are helping you, develop skills of helping them, and your goal will not be tied up in the reactions of others. This will help to build your confidence, since you'll be acting in a way that leads you toward your goal rather than giving into a simple sort of "hunger." You've got time. Don't worry. And if you need more advice, I'll be around.
sounds like a psychiatrist could help. focusing on self-esteem and social skills first might make a difference.
You want a clinical mental health counselor (not a paychiatrist). Try to find one with a CBT or DBT approach, theyre effective for social anxiety
You have to treat women like people before you think about being in a relationship with one. You ever heard the term "don't put women on a pedestal" it doesn't mean don't worship women, it means treat them as equals. If you're in a relationship there's nothing with worshipping your partner.
It really depends how attractive you are. I’ve been told I have good style, and that I’m good looking, and I’ve shot maybe 200 shots with women got a bunch of numbers instagram lately, but can never get that second interaction. One of the girls I was talking to all night straight up started talking to another guy in front of me so I just said have a good night. You have to put yourself out there, but if they say no, or disrespect you just leave it be.
Hit the gym, gain confidence, lower your standards, fuck, level up.
Just go on as many dates as possible, but I want you to do this to gain experience. More time conversing, your types of words and your confidence will naturally get a whole lot better which gets women. There is going to be good dates and bad dates don't even worry about it.. That's all part of the learning experience. Remember you are going on dates for experience not to try to get laid... That's going to happen naturally as you get more comfortable, go for fun what happens happens.
Yes, get therapy. And for now forget the getting laid part, that’ll come with developing a social circle and a dating life.
I’m always a bit confused when folks say they don’t have friends but want a sexual partner. Putting the cart before the horse. Friendship, whether it’s a surface-level, casual friendship or a deeper more intimate one, is the basis for any relationship. If you can’t be friends then why would you expect more? Echoing everyone else that therapy is recommended but don’t forget that sex comes from having interpersonal skills that you develop through friendships and positive relationships with the people around you.
You need a therapist and a hooker. Until you are able to overcome your social anxiety I think you will have a very difficult time taking a conversation with a woman to the point where she’s taking her clothes off for you. Unless you’re paying her, hence the hooker. Get outside and socialize or you will never overcome your fear.
Easiest solution is to get help for social anxiety. I started years ago in therapy but wasn't to get laid, just for myself but if that's your motivation then do it. Since then it helped build my confidence with everything, before I couldn't even talk on the phone in any scenario. I felt nervous and unsure about myself for some weird reason, it takes work but it can happen. Won't say I don't still get anxious at times and my words don't get jumbled in social situations but I maneuver a bit better. And with attracting someone as long as you're not desperate about it and giving off desperate "energy" it'll happen pretty easily. Just be calm about it and show genuine interest.
no a psychiatrist won't help, the truth is you need to optimise your looks and social skills: - Gym - Self development books There isn't really another answer, if you don't optimise these things then you are just cheating yourself This will probably get downvoted as most real advice does on reddit
Severe social anxiety and low self-esteem? I have these and while I can still go on dates, nobody is going to treat me with respect until I improve.
Learn how to value yourself. What are you good at and how can it make a positive outcome on you? If you don't have anything then think about what you'd like to become good at. If you don't see anything then think about what would you like to improve about yourself? Understanding the problem and how to fix it goes a long way
A lot of us often put labels on ourselves and remain prisoner to them. You are totally capable of finding love and ‘getting laid’. Once you discover that confidence you’ve always had within you, the version of you that believes that you have low self esteem will be a distant memory. With practice and reflection, you can put yourself out there more and more. Sometimes, if not always, we get hurt and feel rejected in the process but ultimately we grow as people because of it. It allows us to figure out what we like and don’t like, and we discover ourselves. I suggest reading into stoicism, this has helped me a lot. I understand your resentment. I’ve been in that position too. However the more I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, the more I realised resentment eats away at us. Have compassion for yourself, remember you have the ability to control your confidence and belief in yourself. Sounds simple but this can be hard I know. Don’t waste your youth in self pity, break out of the limiting beliefs your brain has created in its attempt to protect you. It’s ok to cry, but take little steps. Watch videos about people who broke out of their social anxiety. If I did it, I know you can too!
I also have severe social anxiety and something that helped remind me of my own journey with social anxiety is a story I read. Basically it was someone that was in therapy and struggling making deeper relationships and the therapist asked them if they might be closed off when it came to talking to people and creating relationships. That reminder has been something that has really helped me because I tend to be very guarded and closed off with new people without realizing because of the severe social anxiety. I definitely recommend seeing a psychiatrist/therapist/social worker!! It can help discouraging if you don’t click with your first therapist but therapy has helped me to gain a better perspective of social anxiety and what my social anxiety looks like day to day. Everyone’s journey in life and with mental health is different so be kind to yourself <3 wishing you the best of luck!!
Yes, see a therapist
The only way is to hit the gym and grow a pair of balls to speak with girls. Aim to have dates to know the girl, improve ur skills, snd have fun. Getting laid will come afterwards
Sounds like you have to focus on your self first before meeting someone..
I would highly recommend Landmark Worldwide a program about transformation about you and your life. You need to discover why you are being the way you are and take steps through this programs Leaders to transform yourself...goodluck
This is gonna sound dickish but you gotta alter how you look at things and handle things. Continuing to stand still and just accept these issue is why. Always be moving forward and always tackling thr next challenge. Find sole hobbies that include people thus helping breaking the social anxiety mess. The self esteem stuff, alter your appearance. Get a new wardrobe, go to the gym or work out at home, hell get a fresh hair cut. All of these things can be fixed with work and determination. Setting their crying fixes nothing. Stand up, dust the dirt off your ass and move forward, no one is gonna help you but you bro taco. AND if you need a therapist or what not. Get one but that's literally 1 minor thing.
Need to get yourself out there and make new friends and socialize however you can. It took me until 29 to lose my virginity and I did so by having confidence. For me that confidence came from moving out of my parents to take control of my own life and socializing with new people creating connections
If you believe that life is happening outside yourself and that you're letting it pass you by, you're going to have problems. But if you develop the belief that Life is what happens inside yourself, and that you have an unchanging source within from which your life springs, you won't have to treat yourself and what's happening in the "outer" world with such seriousness. You are just separated from the herd. Your plans for life are set on a different timetable. Comparisons are useless. Everything is in order according to YOUR timetable.
Honestly, you seem to know what things you're bad at, have you tried working on them? It sounds like you're on the right path just stuck. I think getting Mental therapy is a definite, even if this wasn't about getting laid. This is going to suck to hear, but everyone has issues, nobody needs other people's issues too. So make major adjustments in your life first then focus your priorities on dating. I'm telling you this with confidence, there is a person out there for everyone, and everything that makes you attractive to others is very much fixable whether it's how you present yourself or how you talk with people.. I don't think all is lost tho.
There is only one way out of this situation….just do it.
Hey OP. I want to be clear, all of us say this from a place of love in the hopes that you seek and relieve the help you need to help you improve for you. Don't worry about getting laid. First seek help to address your lack of social skills, as this could be a core reason for your confidence issues. None of this exists in a vacuum and they go hand in hand. Meeting people in real life is very much time and place and who you know when you know them. Knowing people helps with that.
It's tough but you have to do things that will get you meeting other people. your people are out there, having a friend group is an important step in finding a partner. I was in your postion and i got out and did social clubs activites and discovered a bunch of people who were nervous/shy but looking for friends as well
Therapy would probably do some good! Try it and find a therapist that works for you!
Please don’t be disheartened. Just grow courage and go up to a girl today and say hi, introduce yourself and say ‘I liked such and such thing about you’ Trust me I’ve been the hard road myself so know it. And don’t punish yourself if she rejects you, coz they will. Rejection is only the beginning of self discovery. Message me directly if you need to talk to me
Not necessarily a psychiatrist, but definitely start with therapy and seeing a psychologist. Majority of questions we ask about ourselves and our personalities can be answered by talking to the right specialists. The downside is that you have to budget for it, but I promise you, it’s worth it.
Build basic social skills and work on yourself (gym, hobbies etc...) first before you start dating women. One of the biggest assets a man can have is being socially competent. Women can read social inept vibes within 10 seconds in meeting you. Go out with an attitude in making friends rather than chasing sex.
You are still young dude, chill out. Get out of your house and do random shit. Easy things are sports, arranged group travel and volunteering. Steer clear from sitting alone at home.
I was like you and the only way to break the cycle is to confront your fears. What's the worst thing that could happen? The girl says no. That's it. You'll feel free. You don't have that burden on your shoulders and realize you were afraid of nothing.
Stop giving a fuck not long you’ll be in the ground. No one will care what you did or didn’t do.
>, i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem.... i cant hold a conversation with anyone, i get a lot of girls staring at me but i don't have the balls to approach, as i get older i become more resentful towards couples especially teen couples. Unfortunately, these above would make it a barrier >would a psychiatrist help? i feel like life is escaping me. Psychologist yes. You may not need medical intervention but talk therapy helps.
Just more time with your right hand…
Well u must be antisocial and you need maybe dating sites to talk to woman maybe thing will be better for u u need to get out there don't be afraid to let urself out there u know u can do it. Being shy is not always good it don't get u anywhere
As a girl myself I think it just depends on who intrigues you ? If that makes sense . Considering you have social anxiety it’s a lot harder on your part but I would say maybe start dating apps start talking through text slowly work your way to ft and see what happens afterwards . Just slowly build yourself :) it’s okay !!! You got it <3
Talk therapy. Get in an office. With a male therapist
I would worry less about sex and more about conversation.
I'm here to help you out king. First off, always value the friends you have and make, because I found my first girlfriend through networks, classes, and friend circles. Working on social anxiety can help. You definitely want to feel good about yourself before you aim to lose your v card. Now, I'll talk about the v card part: Before I give my advice, have those condoms ready unless you're planning to wife and impregnate this person. You don't want to do that before you're ready for it. I promise you. Also, always make sure to get consent. Those are the first basics to nail. Next: There are women in their 20's, and there are prospective milfs in their 30's and beyond who will want to have sex with you, and the sex is still good as you get older. I've even been told it gets better by actual older people than me. Don't resent the teens. Most of them don't know what they're doing, and many of them wait until after high school and college to lose their virginity because they don't want to get pregnant in high school. I waited until 21, and it honestly surprised me when the opportunity came. In retrospect, I could have waited longer imo. Pro Tip: Something you may take comfort in is that women value virgins because they aren't dogs. That being said, I wouldn't mention that you're a virgin to the person you're trying to have sex with, as it might scare them away and make them think you're 'inexperienced'. I didn't tell the women I first had sex with that I was a virgin, and the sex went fine, and now I'm no longer a virgin. There's no need to mention body counts. The only two bodies that matter are your body and her body. Please stick around, because I think you can do it. Once you build your self-esteem and self confidence, and challenge yourself to join social groups where you can meet women that attract you, I promise you that it will be impossible for you not to eventually get laid. The only reason I lost my virginity was because I happened to meet another single woman around my age that also wanted to have sex with someone, and I was enough her type for her to want to lay me. If that hadn't had happened, I would be a 29 year old virgin showing solidarity with you right now. I promise it's a little overrated and overly worshipped, and fapping is still awesome. Sex is just fapping each other with your parts. After you lose your virginity, you'll likely be less obsessed with doing it again. Like, I want to get married eventually, but I'm not craving sex like I was when I was still a virgin. Also, please disregard any negative judgement towards you as a virgin. There is no shame in it. It happens when it happens. Just give it time.
I just have one suggestion, besides agreeing that therapy would help greatly with self esteem and social anxiety. Those have to be worked on before you can successfully meet someone. My suggestion: Your goal #1 should not be to “get laid.” Meet people, talk to people as friends and hang out with friends- of- friends in low pressure group settings. Things can spring off from there with new people, and if nothing else, it’ll give you a confidence boost to talk to people you don’t know.
Find a psychologist, and start to work on your self worth. It all starts with you. Even if you're in a relationship (you eventually will be, I promise), opening up and becoming vulnerable is difficult because you may not love yourself. If this person leaves you, it's not going to do any favors for your self worth. So fix you, unpack the past and the wounds so you don't bleed on the next person. Therapy, balanced sleep, nutritious food, surround yourself with good friends, and have outlets (sports, catch up with a friend once a week) Don't worry, as long as you put in the work, everything will fall into place.
Yes, a psychiatrist can help. Book a consultation. You probably have some unresolved childhood trauma and complex PTSD which affects your relationships and your self esteem. Time to talk to someone who can help you.
The only answer is to force yourself out of your comfort zone and get out there. There's nothing else that will do it. Sure it's going to be uncomfortable, but you'll get past it.
First I would learn how to make a sentence. You automatically ruled out half of the people you would meet.
>i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem You know why. >would a psychiatrist help? Yes.
your at an age where you don't have much to lose You're past the point of needing to be "cool" and your at the perfect age to get girls anywhere between 20&30 You need to stop living inside your own head and just start throwing yourself out there The casual sex and dating scene is a fickle beast theres no one size fits all solution Your going to give some girls an isntant ick and others will be down to have sex Pro tip : try to be funny and you will get laid
Man if I had a dollar for every time "therapy" and "psychistry" was mentioned in these comments, I'd basically have at least another paycheck this month lol
Honestly, why not hire a sex worker? Some even hire them to just hold a conversation.
You need to work on your self esteem, confidence is key. If you have confidence people can feel it and it makes you more attractive already as well as helping you overcome worries. Try listening to podcasts that can help with talking to others and try things that can boost with confidence (I started working out and it boosted mine). At the end of the day just remember that everyone has their doubts and u aren’t alone there’s people that feel the same way some r just better at hiding it then others
Look…it’s all about probability, the more people you meet the more you have a chance to get laid. Just focus on meeting new people.
You're on Reddit. Go to NSFW communities (locals for you) You'll get laid. But being "laid" (as a virgin) is probably not going to be what you expected.. Psychiatric help, in my opinion, may help but do your reach on who you choose. Some medical professionals clock in to help, some clock in for a check.. I wish you all the best. But if you honestly just want to her laid..You're first step is reddit..nsfw communities are guarantees. men /women engaging in those communities are always ready to get laid. Marriage, relationship status. Age, race, morals... none of that matters
*"im almost 27 no friends and never had sex before, i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem"* For me, age doesn't matter.. it's part of your personality - social anxiety. Having a check with a psychiatrist will help you to figure things out, they could give you advice and steps to do. Or you could do it yourself by just starting from the basics, and engaging with people. Have you tried talking to someone even online? if not, why not give it a try, and see how it goes?
Take an improv class/speech classes and focus on being the best at that first. It’ll help you brake out of your shell and the rest will slowly come. Focus on bettering yourself mentally.
Absolutely don’t try approaching a woman yet. You’re gonna choke and freak yourself out. Work your way up to it. Start small talk with anyone who looks open to it. Start with other guys until you get good at communication. When you eventually want to try talking to women, go into the conversation GENUINELY not expecting anything to come from it. Don’t try to get a date, a number, social media, etc. Just talk to people to build up your confidence in doing so. Only when you feel 100% confident platonically talking to strangers, AND 100% okay with rejection, you can consider actually approaching a woman romantically. Flirting is a skill that takes practice. Good flirting leaves plenty of room for plausible deniability and exit opportunities for you and whoever you’re flirting with.
If you can’t get yourself to learn to talk to women, by talking to woman. Then you need a situation talking to people about something else. Try selling something, collect signatures, fund riser, ect. If you want to boost self confidence you need goals to conquer. Train on MMA, hardcore hikes/rock climbing, extreme sports, powerlifting/HIIT, ect. Find a fear you have and conquer it.
>i have severe social anxiety and low self esteem >i cant hold a conversation with anyone >i get a lot of girls staring at me but i don't have the balls to approach >as i get older i become more resentful That's why
The question should be: why can't you read the list you just made? You should also add "unable to look at myself introspectively" to the list.
You're coming to a dating related subreddit, and asking "why you can't get laid" seems to be enough to give you an immediate answer. If you're only dating for the hopes of getting laid. People can most likely read you like a book and often stray away from that. A good chunk of people want a relationship, not a sex session, especially in the late 20s. If you lack self-esteem and have low confidence, find ways to build on that. Go to the gym, clean yourself up, learn to love yourself instead of seeking validation in others, and you'll most likely find someone in time
Have you checked with someone who knows about witchcraft? Some men don’t know but they’re trapped and they don’t even know. It’s always good to check up on those kinds of things once or twice a year. We humans pick up on bad energy’s sometimes, that causes head aches and feeling lazy.
Bro you are young. Keep putting yourself out there and face your fears in approaching woman. They actually want that but most guys can’t overcome the first couple minutes. Stay confident and approach 10 girls next week. Your hit rate will increase very fast. 1 of the 10 will entertain.
What do you do for work?
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What is it you’re afraid of? Concur that fear. The worst possible scenario playing out wouldn’t stop the world from turning and people forgetting and moving on. It’s easy to be in our own heads worrying about what other people think, but you have to “practice” acknowledging the fact that given 20min that person won’t even be thinking about the interaction. If it helps, practice talking with strangers that aren’t attractive. Put your electronics down and start visiting the world. Spend more time verbally speaking with people you’re familiar with. Push yourself to build your social skills. The only way to get something worthwhile in life is to be uncomfortable. It’s hard, you will suck at times, but you will look back and realize how much you’ve improved. Journal different conversations with people; choose a topic, find a stranger and bring that topic up, write about how long and well the conversation went. You will learn that it isn’t all you, sometimes conversations go sideways because other people are having a bad day which is totally unrelated to the conversation you’re trying to have. Compliment people and make sure you ask them a lot of questions and listen to their answers. People love to talk about themselves. A therapist will try and uncover WHY you have social anxiety. You have to do the work yourself, you have to push yourself to change and have a changed life. If you want therapy for low self esteem I would suggest cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT, look it up) which you can also do on your own, and for it to work you literally have to practice it daily. You can do this, you just have to put in the work. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
try online matching app like Boo, Plenty of Fish, Tandem, these can let you make friends easy, once you establish online friendship, you can meet up easier.
Focus on yourself for now. Seek out help and communicate what you are going through. It’s the only way to grow. You got this!
Eh relationships aren’t worth it in the end the it’s just another term for ruining your life
You're looking to get laid, which is not a relationship..even most women on one night stands carry the delusion that the guy they're hooking up with "might become a relationship".
You will need a psychologist and psychiatrist. Best way to treat social anxiety and low esteem will take medication, therapy, and you going out of your comfort zone. Try to talk to as many people as possible regardless if you are into them or not until you become comfortable talking and approaching anyone. Try to be friends with anyone until it’s easy. It’ll take time. Just realize change won’t happen over night but with therapy and medication that should make it easier for you to get out your comfort zone as the medication and therapy should definitely help you with the self esteem and at least help allieviate some things. Saying you have severe social anxiety and have no friends that likely means you have a serious case of anxiety that needs to be treated.
honest advice, might not be the easiest to do, but if it doesn’t help your situation nothing will- start at least going to the gym , or better yet go to martial arts classes, learn to fight and learn to be disciplined. People watch as i call it, i used to watch movies with Johnny Depp and mimick him because i had no idea how to be “confident”, fake it till you make it literally! find your favorite actor and mimick him as much as you can everywhere, even if you feel shy or self conscious about it make yourself do it, cringe is the best beginning. Be positive, that’s the main rule, people like positive self conscious people more than cocky negative mfs. There’s a big chance you’ll find shy self conscious girl like yourself and yall be happy. Get rid of your ego, only you stopping yourself from becoming the best version of yourself, so in order to become who you want to be you have to let go of who you are… and remember strong body = strong mind, god would not give you these struggles and sufferings if he didn’t believed that you will make it thru them.
Not really. A psychiatrist isn't gonna teach you game, and what signals are attractive to women. But obviously you have deep issues. My point is that you can't put talking to girls "on hold" until you come out of the psychiatrist's office completely cured of all your insecurities. That's not how life works. Time is ticking down regardless of whether you're ready for life. And here's the thing: Nobody is every truly completely ready. You kinda just have to go with what you got otherwise, well, you know what happens, 27 year old virgin is what happens, right? Other people say make friends... I'm one to disagree, I think you can get a girlfriend and get laid without having friends. Make a tinder account. Slide in bitches dms. Practice talking to girls.
Go get a Harley, for heaven sakes!
Don’t make it about getting laid for crying out loud! Make it about finding someone that you have a connection with and seeing if you want to take it to the next level. Start at first base, go slow, when in doubt – do nothing! You got this, but you can’t start at home base ! Especially if you want to be with someone of substance! . . . or do you just want to get laid?
How do you approach people? By music festival you mean ed sheran concert right? There is a huge crowd
I say GO TRAVEL. It’s summer… book a party hostel for a week in Montreal and make your way to Quebec City. If you look good don’t even have to approach, you get approached. And being abroad will force you out of your shell so you may find yourself approaching. And 27 is a fine age to get laid for the first time!
If you truly and desperately want to get laid, just pay for it. Might be rough but you will answer your issues.
Same deal with me, met a girl at a party and I messaged her the next day and she left it on read and liked it. Didn’t know I was supposed to approach her the next time I saw her. Hey whatever
That’s unfortunate, but it’s usually not that easy to get laid when your a guy, especially if you have kinda high standards. Lower your standards maybe and also if your 27 and haven’t had sex yet then either find an escort (prostitute basically) either illegally or plan a trip to a place where it is legal. I’m sure a lot of people will say that’s not a good idea, but you’ve gotta get over that hump of being a virgin. It will at least help clear your mind of it so you can at least know you can say you’ve been laid. Then maybe it will be easier to get laid naturally. Don’t let the whole “getting laid” shit bring you down. It’s not at all as important as it’s made out to be. There is much more to life and being happy/successful/etc. than getting laid. Either way it will happen eventually but idk if I hadn’t got laid by 27 I’d 100% be down w getting a prostitute 🤷🏻♂️
You know why. You've literally just told us all
If something makes you anxious maybe it is more important to you. Maybe people who date a lot and not anxious about approaching others maybe also do not know the importance and value of it. We are all different. Do not be saddened by that. But yes it is good to know what I feel , how I feel. Next to work on that. What belief is causing you be anxious? What does it make for you hard to approach somebody? Whatever is meant for you will not pass by it. Do not be saddened by thinking you lost or losing still. What are you racing with? I value what do you feel. I run after many things by thinking I am behind also. But I also know those are based on my hidden system. Like some people have so many goals and dcipline and busy. Maybe they are also trying proving themselves subconsciously and no idea what was the beauty of life or they were never at the moment. They might be in race all the time. And Life usually teaches for those who thinks they are late by making them more late 😂. Joking. But I believe there is a wisdom in all. Maybe the thing you are after and not there teaching you look into yourself and be busy with yourself or maybe you are fearing to be left out alone. Whatever you feel all are valuable and valuable data about you and lessons for you. Some people also tasted love but also suffered a lot. Nothing also just smooth. There are different sides of all. What I mean everyone goes through something. Do not saddened by thinking you lost something.