Just to be clear...people can easily get your home address in 2 seconds on Google. All they need is a name, phone number, or city where you live. I know the home address of every guy I've dated before via this method and send it to a trusted friend before I go out on a date. They can do the same and stalk you without you even giving them your address. It's scary stuff, what people can find out about you.
I am. and even tho this is the first guy i’m even thinking about dating, like 7 people want me to send my location to them everywhere we go and texts telling them Im okay. and my mom has K’s picture, first & last name, what he drives, and his phone number.
you're not listening. It's **not safe** to give out your home address to strangers that you don't know. maybe you shouldn't be dating yet if you can't think of any reasons that this is actually something you should listen to
That's still incredibly risky. What type of home protection do you have if you decide you don't want to give him another date and he shows up on your doorstep?
What if he grabs your phone from you?
What if he just turns out weird/creepy and you want to leave?
This guy **may** be perfectly fine, but don't make a habit of this. Sooner or later you will end up with a bad apple.
For your own safety, watch true crime. I kid, but a crazy date can pop up at your house, watch you from a distance, learn your routine, know your car, your children, other people coming in your home before you’re comfortable with them having that kind of info about you. Imagine this person angry at you now. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Yes, but that stuff is helpful for the investigation afterrrr you’ve gone missing. Honestly, I have worries about men who will accept your address and come to pick you up on a first date.
After one of us picks a bar or restaurant, if someone sent me their address or requested mine, I might block them. That shows questionable judgment. Please be mindful that many men would interpret this as an invitation for sex. Maybe you’ve been off the scene, but ppl do not meet at their homes for the first few dates in modern times.
Also, many plans for dates never materialize into a date. You’ll be racking up a list of men with your address.
You might be jumping to conclusions a bit early. Think about this...he was scheduling to meet you AFTER his shift, I don't know what he does but you gotta be GF level for me to go straight from work to pick you up with no down time in between. I'd count that as trying to make time.
Does his schedule fit your expectations is the bigger question. Like if dude has a busy work schedule and has to fit you in whenever he can you're gonna need to ask yourself if you're okay with that.
Some guys are on the road, 2, 3, 4 weeks at a time for different jobs...does that work for you? Or are you looking for a guy who's more 9 - 5, Monday to Friday? You need to ask yourself these questions as you start dating cause otherwise you're gonna end up being frustrated and disappointed.
You’re right: a woman who put everything she wanted us to know about in the public. And why she didn’t want us to know she omitted.
It’s about how you represent yourself, and if you can’t articulate then that’s your own problem .
Dude, she’s asking should I continue to pursue this or when should she cut her losses. I don’t know why y’all are going in on her. I don’t bother to ask the masses because of this behavior, but i recognize that this is a FORUM for discussion, and if you constantly police every question and make people feel dumb for asking for advice, what’s the point?! This is out of hand! People are calling a nobody, she’s not special, she’s a “nutter butter”, wat?! We literally make these decisions EVERY TIME we date, for various reasons. Someone canceling on you repeatedly regardless of reasons is damaging over time. I get being apprehensive this might be something that repeats itself given that he will work the same job in the future presumably and can use it as an excuse or genuinely to get out of meeting up.
… Anyway. Go awf. I said my peace.
Ok dude. I say you make a list of rules that require folks to keep their feelings out of the posts they put on here so they seem well adjusted and not bothered at all by things that bother. 🙄
On a first date? Maybe give a bit of leeway, as long as someone is communicating. The other person has just as much reason to prioritize like 17 things over a meet-up.
I don't know, I take the opposite approach on a first date, call me old school as I'm now DOF, but I wouldn't make a 1st date unless I knew for a fact it was my best impression, looking like I prepared for it, planned it out ect . I myself am very consistent and reliable and would expect nothing less... I'd understand if it was like a true emergency, I'd kinda want to see them start offering unrequested proof, pics of the sick dog or ask me to come help with the flat or whatever, or profusely apologizing... lol... I'm prob too much but if I'm dating now, (after a dumpster fire of a marriage, 2 kids, ect) you better be damn sure I'm already being picky enough to go on a first date, arranging childcare, ect. I don't think it's super casual anymore and not into women who treat it as their 15th priority...
You want to schedule your date on a day he’s not working, in between shifts sounds like he’d be tired from work and thinking about getting back to work (as in he can’t really relax completely, he can’t extend the date if things go well he’ll be basically looking at his watch). So the best thing would be to schedule after work or on a day when both of you are free. But yes rescheduling once is ok if you are really into him. Sometimes it’s zero.
Thank you! Sometimes it’s 0. He could be a surgeon; if it feels like you’re blowing me off, I’m out. I think it should be addressed on a case by case basis. In the beginning you only have your gut feeling to go on. You should follow your instincts.
This chick sounds way too high maintenance. Having to wait for someone to have free time when they had to work late due to a call off, and referring to it as “withering away”? Yeahhhh noooo.
OP, of course he’s choosing work over you. You’re a literal stranger and he has to pay his bills. You’re not the main character in everyone else’s story.
And for fucks sake, don’t give a stranger your home address. Jesus.
Dunno if you’re being sarcastic but… i have to remember this is reddit and it’s like a highway used by everyone. Some of us are going to litter, some will have road rage, some will drive intoxicated… can’t be helped. I wish OP well.
I unfortunately missed a meetup recently because an appointment ran long. Fortunately, the guy gave me a second chance. We had a great date zero, and two more since. We have another planned tomorrow. Imagine what we would've missed if he had given up.
In the early phases of dating, 1 rain check if the party reschedules.
Once I know you and am a little invested? Maybe 2. But, patterns are something I pay attention to, and keeping your word and appointments is sacrosanct to me. Oh, I'm sorry, life got in the way 4 times in a row? Well, you shouldn't be dating. Buh bye.
Others said it, OP, but please don't give out your home address to someone you've never met. That's a great way to put yourself in needless danger.
That’s two strikes, or my count is fouled. I will batter up, but if I strike out I will casually walk back to the dugout and publicly take the L. Sometimes the game gets the better of me. So I shake the locker room up a bit, and go for a nice walk. Come back, step up, try another day. It’s war. But there’s another batter on deck or in the box with you, and sometimes they try to tag your friends.
Can you just go out on one of his days off? There's some details missing. Trying to squeeze a date in between Two shifts the same day seems odd to me.
And no, don't give anyone your home address or get in a car with them. Bad people are GREAT at seeming nice and normal at first.
Yes, when I saw the title I would have expected at least 2 cancelations before the negative expectations she already has. And with someone who has the kind of job that involves split shifts, this isn't the only time this will ever happen.
You meet the other person in publicand why on earth are you getting in car with him on first encounter? 545am here, I now need a drink, and I don't drink. Please be safe and don't do this until you know someone.
She’s asking how many times is reasonable. If she was entitled, she’d canceled and blocked him, which she’s actually entitled to do by the way. It’s her time. HOW ARE Y’ALL TEAM THE CANCELER?! 🤣🤣🤣
I'm sorry. Did I miss the part where this guy has screwed around with you, led you on, and then blown you off?
Do you have whiplash? Because you just went zero to a thousand in 3 seconds flat.
You're not gonna sit there and whither away?
You're not making him choose between you and his career?
I deserve someone who will make time for me?
HE👏WAS👏WORKING!👏
The guy had to stay at work unplanned, and you are literally nobody.
Of course his career is more important than you, it should be!
It's not like he picked up an extra shift and forgot to tell you until the last minute, his coworker called in sick.
In some jobs, you can't just say "Oh well, FU 🖕" to your employer in these situations. (As much as we would all love to)
You understand things happen? You sure don't sound like it.
If you're already this put out, you should probably just walk away.
ETA: Or, as my roommate says, "she sounds nutter butter, he dodged a bullet"
Wow. You seriously need to calm down and breathe. You took this all the way personal. Her question was how many rainchecks before you say no more? That tells me she’s been at the receiving end of flakes who talk a good game but can’t pull the trigger because of a myriad of reasons. She could have straight up canceled the guy but she’s saying, “when is it reasonable to not allow someone to cancel on me last minute repeatedly”. I get it. I don’t care if he’s the Pope; I don’t want to get all dressed up more than once for someone to get canceled last minute. Valid question on a DATING FORUM!
You (and presumably your roommate on drums) got on your keyboard and insulted this woman, called her nobody, and are just frankly raging and rendering your clothing about her simple question that makes sense to me and should make sense to daters. This rant you posted up there is wild. Sometimes I’m shocked this forum caters to people over 40. The meanness is juvenile.
I give a couple of chances and it also depends on context. It sounds like he didn’t have a lot of choice if his relief didn’t turn up (depending on his job).
I cancelled my second date with my now BF to go visit a friend in need instead. She was more of a priority at that point, having only been on one date with him. I’m glad he didn’t end things there as things are going well nearly a year later.
> I deserve to be with someone who makes time for me, who wants to be with me
Sure. And also, unpopular opinion: he doesn't know you. If he wants to be with you at this point, that has absolutely*nothing* to do with you beyond maybe some baseline attraction. If he's indiscriminately making time for and chasing a stranger that behaviour doesn't indicate interest or intent. It indicates free time.
If you're expecting someone from a dating app to make you feel special then you're going to end up with someone running game. Someone who's genuine will make you feel special over time once they get to know that you *are* special.
And she doesn’t know him or any potential dates. Remember, she’s asking how she should proceed. She sounds frustrated because I’m guessing that at 40+; this ain’t her 1st rodeo and she’s experienced flakes before and wants a reasonable timeline for nope-ing out. To me it’s whenever you no longer enjoy this process.
So she should go on dates with men who thinks she’s nothing special while she’s making concessions for their poor time management and life mishaps ? After all, they don’t know her and their job has absolutely nothing to do with her. The romance of dating nowadays makes me swoon.
Correct, people who have never met don't know each other.
>So she should go on dates with men who thinks she’s nothing special while she’s making concessions for their poor time management and life mishaps ?
How dare his coworker be sick.
Why do you trust him so much? What if he’s making an excuse? And this current time he called to cancel is not really the issue for her. She’s apprehensive about the next time. She says “ i’m not getting excited […] until he pulls into my driveway.” She’s apprehensive that he’ll cancel again. She wants to know if he cancels again, would Reddit over 40 be done with him the next time.
I think one or two depending on the reason, notice and engagement otherwise. The real issue for me, especially with work reschedules, is their availability to date or be in a relationship. I don't really want to date someone who can't make pre-scheduled dates, so that is my main consideration beyond general dating tact.
If you do go out with him please just meet him out somewhere for the first date—totally newbie behavior but very risky and potentially unsafe—women need to be considering their safety more than going along w some random dude’s idea for a first date
1 miss and you flipping out seems a bit controlling to me and I'd definitely be giving any man that didn't understand life happens without getting snarky about it a massive swerve.
It's an overall picture for me. Are they suggesting alternatives? Are they regretful? Or dismissive and not bothered.
If It was a pattern then I'd blow out. But ONE time? Maybe you're not ready to date.
Getting snarky over a potential one off?
Yea. It's totally normal to be so irked by it you'd write a post. HOW DARE SOMEONE HAVE TO RESCHEDULE is how this post read.
The problem is... Did he really have to work or is it bs?
If he really had to work, okay, understandable. So, like OP, I give one "freebie."
But... If it happens again, it's gonna make both times seem suspicious, so why bother setting such a precedent of acceptance?
I don't think OP was snarky at all lol Seemed like an upfront question for the group. Snark would be something like..."HOW DARE SOMEONE GET UPSET THAT OP IS QUESTIONING THIS GUY?" Ya know? Lol
I think the rule of three applies here - once is ok, twice is frustrating but forgivable, and on the third time that's it (unless it's something anyone would get a free pass for, like "my dog accidentally drank weedkiller" or "my mum fell down the stairs" or something like that).
I would do this (3x rule) if it’s someone I was really interested in and/or wanted to meet (live live without regrets). If it’s someone I was only lukewarm about, maybe 1x and be relieved about it lol
Yeah cancelling and not offering a substitute time/date/location isn't a good sign.
I'd give someone one chance to change plans without any consequences. If it happens again in the first few dates (like maybe the first 3ish) I'd be questioning either the guy's interest level, or his availability for dating.
On a first date? Once, *if* they reschedule—otherwise I’ll assume they probably don’t really want to meet.
Once things are going, they get more leeway unless it becomes a pattern.
Ok. I’m not even done with your post. Don’t let someone you don’t even know come pick you up. You don’t know if you’ll get along or if he’s sane and now you gotta find a way to escape him AND he knows where you live?! Yeah, no.
And they only get one rain check.
This was one rescheduling due to a work issue and you already are considering cutting him loose?
I expected this story to be about someone flaking or canceling last minute at least twice or three times.
If someone isn’t willing to grant me some flexibility in life, I don’t want to date them at all. I have kids, a career, family, friends - shit happens sometimes. I have to work late or my kid gets sick, or my doctor appt runs long.
And it’s also super weird to have a stranger pick you up at your house. That is not safe dating behavior.
For your safety please consider meeting in a public and neutral location, you have not met this person! If you two cannot find any way to meet up save for split shift Sundays, how will this work as a relationship or is that enough for you? Maybe this isn’t the guy for you? I would accept one rain check but not twice.
Twice. The first time, I been there. It’s soo not cool from his perspective believe me. But after that we figure it out. I’d rather call in sick than flake on someone I’m really into a second time. Work or no. My point is I wouldn’t make plans I wasn’t absolutely sure would work if given a second opportunity. That would be the crappiest feeling. Nope no way. I’d show up one shoe, ripped shirt, car on fire in the background.😂🤣
I totally get you. You don’t even know if he was really working or just on another date. I’ve been flaked on so many times, so I get the apprehension. Saying you’re going to meet up “this weekend” isn’t a good sign. I would need 3pm on Saturday or something specific. I’d just keep making weekend plans so you’re not waiting on him.
How do you know he doesn't have more suitable times to meet, and he hasn't deliberately chosen a day where he knows he may be called into work? People don't usually work every day... If you did vibe, would he ever have time for you?
People make time for what’s important…and if this becomes a pattern with him after you fall for him, you can’t complain about it later. I’d say date more than one person so you’re not as disappointed as you are now after one postponement with a valid reason. Don’t waste your weekends, make plans for yourself, not necessarily around his work schedule and they’ll get in where they fit in.
How's the vibe in messaging since that time?
What are you looking for?
If you're both looking for LTR - then I think you need to consider it differently than if you're both seeking STR/ONS?
I don't know. I'd also never would give someone i hadn't met a few times in real life my address (obviously not including things for work). It might be that the onus is all on him and you are just sitting at home (personally, i'm okay with imprecise meeting times when it comes to meet ups like that). You could push it and say you want to meet up at a cafe, restaurant, etc. It's ruder to not show up when you are meant to meet somewheres public.
You’ve already wasted your time chatting with a stranger every day. This guy might not even really be single or could be scamming you or catfishing you.
I wouldn’t even give a penpal stranger a second chance if he already canceled the first time.
I personally wouldn’t spend much time chatting with some stranger who might not even be real. Guy could be married already.
sounds like the guy works really hard and he is doing what he can to make time for you. This is written like someone who never been in the service industry. A lot of jobs, service, the trades, LE and medical personnel, often have unpredictable schedules and long hours, and are usually required to stay if their relief doesn't show up.
I think OP is playing hardball, and has unrealistic expectations. I know it's frustrating to be ready to meet someone you like and go out with them, and then have it not work out, but after going through all the garbage that online dating has to offer, I think OP is going to miss K if they don't give them another chance. responsible people who get the bills paid are often very very busy and have a very hard time cramming dating or romance into their schedule. And if you end up finding someone "successful" be prepared to go long periods of time without seeing them. the job or career pays the bills, and that keeps the peacw better than anything. Folks over 40 should know this.
You’re wrong. I have worked many places in the service industry. I know schedules can get hectic and change at the drop of hat, especially if your relief doesn’t show up. I get all of that. I get that he’s a hard worker and yes bills come before everything.
I asked the question bc I don’t want nor am I the type of person to blow someone off bc they had to reschedule a date even if it’s at the last min. I asked bc I can be a pushover at times. At what point do you say “okay, you’ve done this , you aren’t making me/us a priority. We need to go our separate ways.” I’m just getting to know him, yes he makes time during his day to text with me, but I don’t know that he’s truly single, is he cancelling on me bc of work or bc of someone else? Yes he knows I have trust issues. yes i know I can be seen as a walking red flag with some of my insecurities and baggage. My belief is that if someone wants to be in your life then they will make the time for you. How many cancels before you say enough is enough?
If it's a first date and someone cancels (esp last minute) I won't give them a second chance. Would you bail on a job interview? I like people that hold their commitments. He was trying to fit you in between shifts but why didn't he just plan the date on his day off instead when he knew he would be free?
Original copy of post by u/chroniclynz:
I am just getting back into dating. I met this guy, K, on an OLD app. We’ve been chatting every day. Last Sunday he wanted to meet up and see how we vibe IRL. He works split shifts on Sunday. He was supposed to get off at 2, come pick me up & us do something, him bring me home and he go back to work. Well at like 12-1 last Sunday, I get a text from K, saying that his relief called in so he has to stay at work. Okay, I understand things happen. But that’s his freebie. I’m not gonna make someone choose between me and their career, but at the same time I’m not gonna sit here and whither away until he gives me attention. I deserve to be with someone who makes time for me, who wants to be with me. K wants to get together this weekend, probably Sunday if it happens. I’m not getting excited or my hopes up until he pulls into my driveway.
So how many times can someone reschedule before you’re done?
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OP - just be careful giving out your home address to people you meet in OLD.
Does this person sound over forty....
Just to be clear...people can easily get your home address in 2 seconds on Google. All they need is a name, phone number, or city where you live. I know the home address of every guy I've dated before via this method and send it to a trusted friend before I go out on a date. They can do the same and stalk you without you even giving them your address. It's scary stuff, what people can find out about you.
I am. and even tho this is the first guy i’m even thinking about dating, like 7 people want me to send my location to them everywhere we go and texts telling them Im okay. and my mom has K’s picture, first & last name, what he drives, and his phone number.
Why don't you just meet him at the coffee shop/restaurant/bar?
you're not listening. It's **not safe** to give out your home address to strangers that you don't know. maybe you shouldn't be dating yet if you can't think of any reasons that this is actually something you should listen to
That's still incredibly risky. What type of home protection do you have if you decide you don't want to give him another date and he shows up on your doorstep? What if he grabs your phone from you? What if he just turns out weird/creepy and you want to leave? This guy **may** be perfectly fine, but don't make a habit of this. Sooner or later you will end up with a bad apple.
For your own safety, watch true crime. I kid, but a crazy date can pop up at your house, watch you from a distance, learn your routine, know your car, your children, other people coming in your home before you’re comfortable with them having that kind of info about you. Imagine this person angry at you now. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Yes, but that stuff is helpful for the investigation afterrrr you’ve gone missing. Honestly, I have worries about men who will accept your address and come to pick you up on a first date. After one of us picks a bar or restaurant, if someone sent me their address or requested mine, I might block them. That shows questionable judgment. Please be mindful that many men would interpret this as an invitation for sex. Maybe you’ve been off the scene, but ppl do not meet at their homes for the first few dates in modern times. Also, many plans for dates never materialize into a date. You’ll be racking up a list of men with your address.
I don’t care if your mom works for the FBI, you don’t let a stranger you met online pick you up at your house!!!!
You are more worried about getting a rain check than you are about your safety....
You might be jumping to conclusions a bit early. Think about this...he was scheduling to meet you AFTER his shift, I don't know what he does but you gotta be GF level for me to go straight from work to pick you up with no down time in between. I'd count that as trying to make time. Does his schedule fit your expectations is the bigger question. Like if dude has a busy work schedule and has to fit you in whenever he can you're gonna need to ask yourself if you're okay with that. Some guys are on the road, 2, 3, 4 weeks at a time for different jobs...does that work for you? Or are you looking for a guy who's more 9 - 5, Monday to Friday? You need to ask yourself these questions as you start dating cause otherwise you're gonna end up being frustrated and disappointed.
From what she sounds like, it isn’t going to be good enough for her.
You don’t know anything about this woman.
You don’t either. She’s only listed the negative things and not represented herself very well. I have to go off of that.
Nope, we don’t but she was clearly disappointed and it’s early on…it’s a yellow flag.
No she’s a woman who’s experienced people flaking out before.
Orange cone for me
Ok.
Probably that too, but I don’t know her.
My point exactly.
You do know her?
Underrated comment.
You knew she was a yellow flag for being “disappointed”. I know that.
Yep! Yellow flag for it being such a trigger on a first occurrence with this guy.
Do ya?
You’re right: a woman who put everything she wanted us to know about in the public. And why she didn’t want us to know she omitted. It’s about how you represent yourself, and if you can’t articulate then that’s your own problem .
Dude, she’s asking should I continue to pursue this or when should she cut her losses. I don’t know why y’all are going in on her. I don’t bother to ask the masses because of this behavior, but i recognize that this is a FORUM for discussion, and if you constantly police every question and make people feel dumb for asking for advice, what’s the point?! This is out of hand! People are calling a nobody, she’s not special, she’s a “nutter butter”, wat?! We literally make these decisions EVERY TIME we date, for various reasons. Someone canceling on you repeatedly regardless of reasons is damaging over time. I get being apprehensive this might be something that repeats itself given that he will work the same job in the future presumably and can use it as an excuse or genuinely to get out of meeting up. … Anyway. Go awf. I said my peace.
She didn’t just do that, 60% of her post had nothing to do with the question.
Ok dude. I say you make a list of rules that require folks to keep their feelings out of the posts they put on here so they seem well adjusted and not bothered at all by things that bother. 🙄
My rule was two.
thank you. Thats what I was thinking. after that it kinda becomes a habit.
Of course if they canceled and didn’t try to reschedule immediately then I only did one.
On a first date? Maybe give a bit of leeway, as long as someone is communicating. The other person has just as much reason to prioritize like 17 things over a meet-up.
I don't know, I take the opposite approach on a first date, call me old school as I'm now DOF, but I wouldn't make a 1st date unless I knew for a fact it was my best impression, looking like I prepared for it, planned it out ect . I myself am very consistent and reliable and would expect nothing less... I'd understand if it was like a true emergency, I'd kinda want to see them start offering unrequested proof, pics of the sick dog or ask me to come help with the flat or whatever, or profusely apologizing... lol... I'm prob too much but if I'm dating now, (after a dumpster fire of a marriage, 2 kids, ect) you better be damn sure I'm already being picky enough to go on a first date, arranging childcare, ect. I don't think it's super casual anymore and not into women who treat it as their 15th priority...
My friend, you might want to take some time for yourself. Building up expectations on a first date (a meet-up, really) is unhealthy.
You want to schedule your date on a day he’s not working, in between shifts sounds like he’d be tired from work and thinking about getting back to work (as in he can’t really relax completely, he can’t extend the date if things go well he’ll be basically looking at his watch). So the best thing would be to schedule after work or on a day when both of you are free. But yes rescheduling once is ok if you are really into him. Sometimes it’s zero.
Thank you! Sometimes it’s 0. He could be a surgeon; if it feels like you’re blowing me off, I’m out. I think it should be addressed on a case by case basis. In the beginning you only have your gut feeling to go on. You should follow your instincts.
How his he supposed to "make time for you" when he has to work?
This chick sounds way too high maintenance. Having to wait for someone to have free time when they had to work late due to a call off, and referring to it as “withering away”? Yeahhhh noooo. OP, of course he’s choosing work over you. You’re a literal stranger and he has to pay his bills. You’re not the main character in everyone else’s story. And for fucks sake, don’t give a stranger your home address. Jesus.
Well, maybe he should not be dating if he only has time for work.
Yeah this seems to be the issue here
Dunno if you’re being sarcastic but… i have to remember this is reddit and it’s like a highway used by everyone. Some of us are going to litter, some will have road rage, some will drive intoxicated… can’t be helped. I wish OP well.
And some will watch your career. Not me but maybe someone.
I unfortunately missed a meetup recently because an appointment ran long. Fortunately, the guy gave me a second chance. We had a great date zero, and two more since. We have another planned tomorrow. Imagine what we would've missed if he had given up.
In the early phases of dating, 1 rain check if the party reschedules. Once I know you and am a little invested? Maybe 2. But, patterns are something I pay attention to, and keeping your word and appointments is sacrosanct to me. Oh, I'm sorry, life got in the way 4 times in a row? Well, you shouldn't be dating. Buh bye. Others said it, OP, but please don't give out your home address to someone you've never met. That's a great way to put yourself in needless danger.
Just the one time. If they can't make the second one, we don't need to go out.
That’s two strikes, or my count is fouled. I will batter up, but if I strike out I will casually walk back to the dugout and publicly take the L. Sometimes the game gets the better of me. So I shake the locker room up a bit, and go for a nice walk. Come back, step up, try another day. It’s war. But there’s another batter on deck or in the box with you, and sometimes they try to tag your friends.
I usually do 3. One time things happen. 2 times I start to wonder. 3 I just say thanks but I don’t think this will work out
Can you just go out on one of his days off? There's some details missing. Trying to squeeze a date in between Two shifts the same day seems odd to me. And no, don't give anyone your home address or get in a car with them. Bad people are GREAT at seeming nice and normal at first.
So you mention one time and already halfway out the door before a first date? You sound impatient and demanding.
Yes, when I saw the title I would have expected at least 2 cancelations before the negative expectations she already has. And with someone who has the kind of job that involves split shifts, this isn't the only time this will ever happen.
Things happen and you should extend the benefit of the doubt. All you have to do is see if he reschedules. That’s your answer.
You meet the other person in publicand why on earth are you getting in car with him on first encounter? 545am here, I now need a drink, and I don't drink. Please be safe and don't do this until you know someone.
Him rescheduling is "making time." What do you want him to do, skip out on working to go on a first date? Entitled much?
She’s asking how many times is reasonable. If she was entitled, she’d canceled and blocked him, which she’s actually entitled to do by the way. It’s her time. HOW ARE Y’ALL TEAM THE CANCELER?! 🤣🤣🤣
I'm sorry. Did I miss the part where this guy has screwed around with you, led you on, and then blown you off? Do you have whiplash? Because you just went zero to a thousand in 3 seconds flat. You're not gonna sit there and whither away? You're not making him choose between you and his career? I deserve someone who will make time for me? HE👏WAS👏WORKING!👏 The guy had to stay at work unplanned, and you are literally nobody. Of course his career is more important than you, it should be! It's not like he picked up an extra shift and forgot to tell you until the last minute, his coworker called in sick. In some jobs, you can't just say "Oh well, FU 🖕" to your employer in these situations. (As much as we would all love to) You understand things happen? You sure don't sound like it. If you're already this put out, you should probably just walk away. ETA: Or, as my roommate says, "she sounds nutter butter, he dodged a bullet"
It was probably not the best idea to schedule between work shifts to vein with. And somehow add picking her up and dropping her off too?
Wow. You seriously need to calm down and breathe. You took this all the way personal. Her question was how many rainchecks before you say no more? That tells me she’s been at the receiving end of flakes who talk a good game but can’t pull the trigger because of a myriad of reasons. She could have straight up canceled the guy but she’s saying, “when is it reasonable to not allow someone to cancel on me last minute repeatedly”. I get it. I don’t care if he’s the Pope; I don’t want to get all dressed up more than once for someone to get canceled last minute. Valid question on a DATING FORUM! You (and presumably your roommate on drums) got on your keyboard and insulted this woman, called her nobody, and are just frankly raging and rendering your clothing about her simple question that makes sense to me and should make sense to daters. This rant you posted up there is wild. Sometimes I’m shocked this forum caters to people over 40. The meanness is juvenile.
I give a couple of chances and it also depends on context. It sounds like he didn’t have a lot of choice if his relief didn’t turn up (depending on his job). I cancelled my second date with my now BF to go visit a friend in need instead. She was more of a priority at that point, having only been on one date with him. I’m glad he didn’t end things there as things are going well nearly a year later.
> I deserve to be with someone who makes time for me, who wants to be with me Sure. And also, unpopular opinion: he doesn't know you. If he wants to be with you at this point, that has absolutely*nothing* to do with you beyond maybe some baseline attraction. If he's indiscriminately making time for and chasing a stranger that behaviour doesn't indicate interest or intent. It indicates free time. If you're expecting someone from a dating app to make you feel special then you're going to end up with someone running game. Someone who's genuine will make you feel special over time once they get to know that you *are* special.
And she doesn’t know him or any potential dates. Remember, she’s asking how she should proceed. She sounds frustrated because I’m guessing that at 40+; this ain’t her 1st rodeo and she’s experienced flakes before and wants a reasonable timeline for nope-ing out. To me it’s whenever you no longer enjoy this process. So she should go on dates with men who thinks she’s nothing special while she’s making concessions for their poor time management and life mishaps ? After all, they don’t know her and their job has absolutely nothing to do with her. The romance of dating nowadays makes me swoon.
Correct, people who have never met don't know each other. >So she should go on dates with men who thinks she’s nothing special while she’s making concessions for their poor time management and life mishaps ? How dare his coworker be sick.
Why do you trust him so much? What if he’s making an excuse? And this current time he called to cancel is not really the issue for her. She’s apprehensive about the next time. She says “ i’m not getting excited […] until he pulls into my driveway.” She’s apprehensive that he’ll cancel again. She wants to know if he cancels again, would Reddit over 40 be done with him the next time.
I. Do. Not. Know. Him. This sounds like your baggage
Mel is invested… heck I’m glad he called to cancel because sometimes they don’t!😅
right? good lord, now we're taking punitive measures for communicating. edit: responded to wrong comment
I think one or two depending on the reason, notice and engagement otherwise. The real issue for me, especially with work reschedules, is their availability to date or be in a relationship. I don't really want to date someone who can't make pre-scheduled dates, so that is my main consideration beyond general dating tact.
I’m a two-striker. If she flakes on me twice, I don’t try anymore. The right one won’t act like that.
If you do go out with him please just meet him out somewhere for the first date—totally newbie behavior but very risky and potentially unsafe—women need to be considering their safety more than going along w some random dude’s idea for a first date
1 miss and you flipping out seems a bit controlling to me and I'd definitely be giving any man that didn't understand life happens without getting snarky about it a massive swerve. It's an overall picture for me. Are they suggesting alternatives? Are they regretful? Or dismissive and not bothered. If It was a pattern then I'd blow out. But ONE time? Maybe you're not ready to date.
She's not flipping out.
Getting snarky over a potential one off? Yea. It's totally normal to be so irked by it you'd write a post. HOW DARE SOMEONE HAVE TO RESCHEDULE is how this post read.
The problem is... Did he really have to work or is it bs? If he really had to work, okay, understandable. So, like OP, I give one "freebie." But... If it happens again, it's gonna make both times seem suspicious, so why bother setting such a precedent of acceptance? I don't think OP was snarky at all lol Seemed like an upfront question for the group. Snark would be something like..."HOW DARE SOMEONE GET UPSET THAT OP IS QUESTIONING THIS GUY?" Ya know? Lol
I think the rule of three applies here - once is ok, twice is frustrating but forgivable, and on the third time that's it (unless it's something anyone would get a free pass for, like "my dog accidentally drank weedkiller" or "my mum fell down the stairs" or something like that).
I would do this (3x rule) if it’s someone I was really interested in and/or wanted to meet (live live without regrets). If it’s someone I was only lukewarm about, maybe 1x and be relieved about it lol
One rain check and they need to be the ones to plan the reschedule and follow through or else I’m not interested. (And neither are they, clearly).
Yeah cancelling and not offering a substitute time/date/location isn't a good sign. I'd give someone one chance to change plans without any consequences. If it happens again in the first few dates (like maybe the first 3ish) I'd be questioning either the guy's interest level, or his availability for dating.
On a first date? Once, *if* they reschedule—otherwise I’ll assume they probably don’t really want to meet. Once things are going, they get more leeway unless it becomes a pattern.
Ok. I’m not even done with your post. Don’t let someone you don’t even know come pick you up. You don’t know if you’ll get along or if he’s sane and now you gotta find a way to escape him AND he knows where you live?! Yeah, no. And they only get one rain check.
1 or done.
This was one rescheduling due to a work issue and you already are considering cutting him loose? I expected this story to be about someone flaking or canceling last minute at least twice or three times. If someone isn’t willing to grant me some flexibility in life, I don’t want to date them at all. I have kids, a career, family, friends - shit happens sometimes. I have to work late or my kid gets sick, or my doctor appt runs long. And it’s also super weird to have a stranger pick you up at your house. That is not safe dating behavior.
For your safety please consider meeting in a public and neutral location, you have not met this person! If you two cannot find any way to meet up save for split shift Sundays, how will this work as a relationship or is that enough for you? Maybe this isn’t the guy for you? I would accept one rain check but not twice.
Honestly.. don't invest too much in people until you've met them in person.
They get one second chance for a first meeting unless their reason for cancelling the first meeting was complete nonsense.
Twice. The first time, I been there. It’s soo not cool from his perspective believe me. But after that we figure it out. I’d rather call in sick than flake on someone I’m really into a second time. Work or no. My point is I wouldn’t make plans I wasn’t absolutely sure would work if given a second opportunity. That would be the crappiest feeling. Nope no way. I’d show up one shoe, ripped shirt, car on fire in the background.😂🤣
I totally get you. You don’t even know if he was really working or just on another date. I’ve been flaked on so many times, so I get the apprehension. Saying you’re going to meet up “this weekend” isn’t a good sign. I would need 3pm on Saturday or something specific. I’d just keep making weekend plans so you’re not waiting on him.
How do you know he doesn't have more suitable times to meet, and he hasn't deliberately chosen a day where he knows he may be called into work? People don't usually work every day... If you did vibe, would he ever have time for you?
1 time. At this point, I’m fed up with flaky behavior so if we haven’t met yet, I likely wouldn’t reschedule.
One.
People make time for what’s important…and if this becomes a pattern with him after you fall for him, you can’t complain about it later. I’d say date more than one person so you’re not as disappointed as you are now after one postponement with a valid reason. Don’t waste your weekends, make plans for yourself, not necessarily around his work schedule and they’ll get in where they fit in.
3 strikes then you're out. But I live in a flakey country where the attitude is very relaxed, nothing gets done when they say it will 😂
I would give two chances. After that I assume they just enjoy an online relationship which isn’t for me.
How's the vibe in messaging since that time? What are you looking for? If you're both looking for LTR - then I think you need to consider it differently than if you're both seeking STR/ONS?
I don't know. I'd also never would give someone i hadn't met a few times in real life my address (obviously not including things for work). It might be that the onus is all on him and you are just sitting at home (personally, i'm okay with imprecise meeting times when it comes to meet ups like that). You could push it and say you want to meet up at a cafe, restaurant, etc. It's ruder to not show up when you are meant to meet somewheres public.
You’ve already wasted your time chatting with a stranger every day. This guy might not even really be single or could be scamming you or catfishing you. I wouldn’t even give a penpal stranger a second chance if he already canceled the first time. I personally wouldn’t spend much time chatting with some stranger who might not even be real. Guy could be married already.
They get two chances and im out.
sounds like the guy works really hard and he is doing what he can to make time for you. This is written like someone who never been in the service industry. A lot of jobs, service, the trades, LE and medical personnel, often have unpredictable schedules and long hours, and are usually required to stay if their relief doesn't show up. I think OP is playing hardball, and has unrealistic expectations. I know it's frustrating to be ready to meet someone you like and go out with them, and then have it not work out, but after going through all the garbage that online dating has to offer, I think OP is going to miss K if they don't give them another chance. responsible people who get the bills paid are often very very busy and have a very hard time cramming dating or romance into their schedule. And if you end up finding someone "successful" be prepared to go long periods of time without seeing them. the job or career pays the bills, and that keeps the peacw better than anything. Folks over 40 should know this.
You’re wrong. I have worked many places in the service industry. I know schedules can get hectic and change at the drop of hat, especially if your relief doesn’t show up. I get all of that. I get that he’s a hard worker and yes bills come before everything. I asked the question bc I don’t want nor am I the type of person to blow someone off bc they had to reschedule a date even if it’s at the last min. I asked bc I can be a pushover at times. At what point do you say “okay, you’ve done this, you aren’t making me/us a priority. We need to go our separate ways.” I’m just getting to know him, yes he makes time during his day to text with me, but I don’t know that he’s truly single, is he cancelling on me bc of work or bc of someone else? Yes he knows I have trust issues. yes i know I can be seen as a walking red flag with some of my insecurities and baggage. My belief is that if someone wants to be in your life then they will make the time for you. How many cancels before you say enough is enough?
Once.
1 after that I am done.
Go in separate cars, don't invite him where you live, if he cancels again get rid of him.
Sounds unrealistic to wedge a date in between a split shift and also perfectly reasonable that he couldn't make it in the end.
If he reschedules the second attempt, we aren’t a match
One.
A third time is a pattern
If it's a first date and someone cancels (esp last minute) I won't give them a second chance. Would you bail on a job interview? I like people that hold their commitments. He was trying to fit you in between shifts but why didn't he just plan the date on his day off instead when he knew he would be free?
0 That behavior on prioritizing you were disrespecting your time will never improve
Original copy of post by u/chroniclynz: I am just getting back into dating. I met this guy, K, on an OLD app. We’ve been chatting every day. Last Sunday he wanted to meet up and see how we vibe IRL. He works split shifts on Sunday. He was supposed to get off at 2, come pick me up & us do something, him bring me home and he go back to work. Well at like 12-1 last Sunday, I get a text from K, saying that his relief called in so he has to stay at work. Okay, I understand things happen. But that’s his freebie. I’m not gonna make someone choose between me and their career, but at the same time I’m not gonna sit here and whither away until he gives me attention. I deserve to be with someone who makes time for me, who wants to be with me. K wants to get together this weekend, probably Sunday if it happens. I’m not getting excited or my hopes up until he pulls into my driveway. So how many times can someone reschedule before you’re done? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If it’s for a first date, just One rain check. For subsequent dates I might be more flexible depending on circumstances