That's exactly my point. Why continue to string him along? It would be more ethical and compassionate to inform him that you want no further involvement with him. Continuing this will only cause him emotional pain, not you. You seem content with your current situation. I fail to understand why individuals engage in this behavior; it appears to be a form of psychological manipulation, which is exceedingly unhealthy. While I am not a therapist 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣, this conduct seems profoundly damaging.
Can’t speak for everyone
I’ve never had this issue before
Crazy x, loss of feelings etc
I think I’m dealing with the fact that my gut tells me one thing, but logically I did really like him. And i want to like him. I don’t understand what happened within my own self really
You can’t logic away the ick that someone is giving you, though. Your heart wins the battle against the head usually. All the changes you’re making to your usual habits, like not posting on social media because you don’t want to have him blowing you up (you don’t want the contact, big flag), are signs that this is not the right fit for you and you guys are incompatible. Cut your losses before he moves to where you are and figures out where you live.
It’s a very fair point
The definition may or may not be appropriate
It feels stalkerish
But aside from texting me too much or when I go online he hasn’t done anything else
He hasn’t tried to friend friends or anything like that
So is it stalkerish to text too much?
Idk that’s the question
Will he become stalkerish
That’s what worries me
I read like the first few paragraphs only. Don't even need to read the rest to you not to get involved with this guy. If this is someone you seriously consider dating, you need to seriously reevaluate your standards.
I always give people too much benefit of the doubt. I am learning to deal with it. I've learned a lot of my self esteem issues come from my mother constantly brow beating me, leading me to feel like everything is my fault.... I'm getting better about it and I've done good to keep him at arms length. Just not sure how to bring this up. And as you mention getting involved, if he is super stalkerish cutting it off could put him in a tailspin too...
The longer you stay in contact with him, the greater the chance he'll go into a tailspin. Does he know where you live or work? I would probably tell him you are no longer interested in communicating with him. If he continues to text you, block him. The most important thing with ending things with people like this is to be firm, and not to let any emotions get involved. "Be like HR" at work is the way I like to think about it.
I was in beginning stages with a guy like this, feeling much the same about trying to keep him at arms length, or otherwise appease his feelings. My sister asked me straight up why I needed to MANAGE this person so much?? You shouldn't feel like you need to *produce* a relationship.
Yes he knows. We met at my business actually. he is experienced in the same field and came in. We talked some and he texted me after and I invited him to do a business activity. It wasnt b/c I was interested necessarily I just enjoy having skilled people to do things with and taking ppl out also helps justify my cost.
But sadly this means he knows a lot of my contacts and business information. his X actually contacted my business! with recordings of phone calls with him! Nuts. She said h stalked her too but her behavior was very bad on her. She had been messaging him with a totally fake profile we found out. And me. I have watched him for a month to see if he follows any of my friends etc and so far he has not done anything like that at all.
If it helps, I was that guy. Not to the same extent but I dated a lady for four months from November. I was cautious as first but after she initiated sex and some initial lovebombing I fell for her. I am a texter and as it turns out she, with ADHD, has text anxiety. Long story short when we broke up I fell into a depression but the last three hard months made me realise I wasn’t ready. Maybe she wasn’t as well but there was an unhealthy need for love and validation. No one is perfect and we have bouts of insecurity but I think you’d be looking for a man who communicates openly yet without seeing you as a source of his everything. Having turned my own corner my two cents is there is probably deep seated emotional stuff he needs to work through and if he doesn’t it will break any relationship down. He probably does like you a lot but a good part of that is driven by an internal lack.
He does shrooms to deal with ocd and yes I think there’s deep emotional issues esp jumping to a new relationship right after the first
Or at least trying to make it that way on his end
I’ve tried to slow it down so he can work on himself
I think he’s truly a good person and prob has some potential after he deals with his own matters
But that’s on him
Yes, and sadly, for me, I needed to be "broken" to go deep, if that made sense. I was married for ten years in an unhappy marriage. That ended and this lady (the second one I dated, about 3 years after my split) was the first person I really liked. Hindsight is 20/20 and while there are days I rue my having not done the emotional work, I didn't know the problem was there! Good luck either way!
I’m glad u got through it
I had my own trauma to recover from and I finally got to the point I was happy on my own.
And like u said 20/20 I can see he’s where I was
He has no life, so….you are his life.
From personal experience, I’m gonna tell you it will not get better. You will tell him he needs to chill, he’ll say “yeah I get it you have a life, I’ll be better”….and it won’t get better.
Depending on the kind of guy he is, he will probably start accusing you of cheating or thinking you’re going to leave him for someone “better”.
The other possibility is he is a hobo-sexual and he is just love bombing you.
The third possibility is he never planned on moving to where you are, he’s love bombing you, and plans on asking for money in the near future. Probably some personal trashed will require you send him money.
Tough love time. You keep making excuses for someone you’ve known for a month. You don’t need any reason to break up with someone. You are looking for a ‘good enough reason’ to ‘justify’ it because he’s ‘a good man’. Who gives a shit if he is a good man. He can be a good man for someone else because he doesn’t suit you. You appear to have really low self esteem to be questioning yourself to this extent and should cut this guy loose. He is drama, he is codependent, he makes you uncomfortable, and you are unable to set a boundary. How do I know you’re unable to set the boundary? Because in this post you’re not even sure if you should be setting it.
I appreciate the replies.
Tonight's a prime example: Ive been sick I feel horrible today. I didnt feel like talking on the phone yesterday b/c of the sickness (poor mood), and I was just enjoying some peace after a long stint of travel etc. I told him maybe tomorrow or another day. So today he asks to talk after work tonight... I politely told him I need to sleep after work I feel horrible. (this is true)
So these are the responses I get and how it goes every time:
10:35 : "Ok".
10:55 : "good night"
11:15 : I get a "like" on my fb post from about 8 hours earlier.
I cant explain why this type of stuff sets me off so much. But I feel like he just picks for me to respond. I might be overthinking..
I always try to be reasonable and consider peoples intent. Maybe he's not intending to come across wrong. I know I can come across wrong too at times. I dont want to misjudge a good person. but it just is making me feel so weird this pattern of behavior!
His reply pattern reminders me of a guy I was speaking to in February. It seems like hes the anxious attachment.
If it's rubbing you up the wrong way not, I really would advise to end things with him. From my experience it's only gets worst and everytime I brought it up to him he got in a mood and continued.
If that's his texting pattern to you all day every hour... yeah that is a heck of a lot... Do you also usually talk on the phone every day too? At least you let him know you're willing to try again another day. But as others have said, you've gotta set some boundaries. His anxiousness is making you avoidant.
Your anecdote here feels like an odd echo of my own situation, but from my perspective I'm not sending many messages and she's always sick or been battling some big stresses in her life for the past few months 😅 Tough to know how to be supportive of someone without adding to their strain and stress. So communicate your boundaries and let him know what will help settle you!
The less I respond the more it comes…I think that’s where I’m seeing the pattern and it scares me
I didn’t respond to any bc I said I was going to sleep
I intended to but actually stayed up doing my kids homeschool
I work late we have an odd schedule
But anyways 12:48 another text about how he hopes I’m ok and missed me
It wil go one per hour daily until I respond it seems. Initially I tried to set a distant texting pattern and it began with texts until i responded
Texts like “hey”…”how are you”…”thinking about you”
things like this mixed with responses to fb posts stories etc.
I also noticed early on if I made a post on fb he’d message me right away. As if he saw me online and felt I should be talking to him
We don’t usually talk on the phone but once a week on FaceTime, but I’m just not in a good mood from being sick is all…
In a real introvert sometimes I just don’t feel like talking …
I’ve been trying to work with my kid since I was traveling a lot other months…
My recommendation is that you tell him how what he is doing makes you feel, if you haven't already.
If he does it and you reply, then he is essentially seeing it as how what he is doing works, and in effect teaching himself that this is how you both are. Any move away from this will be something he notices, especially if you are long distance, and it may make him try to be 'more' like this person he thinks you like.
So, I'd say you sit down and talk to him. Tell him honestly what you think and feel about how he has been and what you'd like behaviourwise.
If he listens and cares, he'll make an effort.
If after this he still isn't paying attention to your communicated needs; it is very possible there's a fundamental incompatibility.
These things aren't really failures; it happens.
My point generally is that communication is key, and I've seen a lot of relationships fall apart because people don't talk about how they feel or act on how they feel.
If you don't like what you are seeing, and he keeps doing what he is doing, knowing you dislike it, then I think you'll know what you want to do.
And another hour later around 2 am another fb ping
It’s every hour!
I need to find a way to say this is odd
Axius you’re correct
I’ve tried to slow communication and sometimes he will temporarily but then it’s back to this
Constant pinging till I give him attention is what it comes across as
Like my cat
I'll take the down votes, but girl....
You were messaging another woman's man? And, she's crazy because she confronted you about it?
Then, he wants to move to be near you after cheating on her with you?
And, now that he's lost his companion he is desperate to connect to you because he needs assurance that all he's lost isn't for nothing?
And, now he's needy?
Am I misunderstanding this situation?
No that’s not what happened
I believed he was single
He participated in an activity at my business and she saw it via a fake profile which she used to stalk his Instagram. She then stalked mine under a fake business name
She then began messaging me
His explanation of the situation was they had broken up for 6 months but been on and off and he was considering moving to start over
This was cooperated by messages she sent me actually
I agree with the commenter, he was still involved with her, on/off is not broken up especially after a long relationship. I also don't see what's redeemable about this guy, seems like way too many issues and res flags to be dealing in your 40s. I'd take a hard pass on someone like that
I think you have valid points; I just wanted to say he was up front with me. Even before she stalked me he told me he was ending a toxic relationship that had been long term. He told me it was his reason for considering moving. It's common to assume esp in early dating that ppl are dating other people. So I assumed he might be seeing other women back there. To this day, in his defense, I dont feel he was in a committed relationship. I'm also seeing other people. I bought that up in the post as well. It would be wrong of him to consider me "cheating" for that as well I feel?
I'm not defending him. I did clarify some things for some people. For ex someone assumed he didnt have a house. To be fair to him he does.
I also said I liked him. I dislike his actions when it comes to the texting.
Disaster dumptruck full of shit coming your way.
A stalking ex, no full time employement, no house, if he plays guitar and smokes weed as well, its a classic one out of the "get me preggo meme textbook"
To clarify he does have a house where he lives now. I was saying he doesn’t have a house here like he has to set himself up for when he moves….
He has a big personal change and I don’t want it centered around me
He does have a job working in a field he is actively competing in and hoping to open a business in. On one hand I dont like that but I also did the same for a time and I've been self employed for 15+ years now. It paid off for me. No guitar or weed lol
Seems like you have a communication issue, just tell him exactly that "you dont want his big upcoming personal change to be because of you"
As for the begging for your attention via text, that guy needs to chill, you have your own business that requires a lot of your time. He's not a kid and should understand you're buys with life, instead of being glued to your phone.
I do have my own business as well, and if a woman would not understand or has a problem with the fact that i *will not* be on my phone the whole day to reply, she'll be out of the picture really fast.
Good luck.
Hi OP please cut this off ASAP!! I can hardly count the red flags here. What you’ve already deemed as “stalking” can turn dark very quickly (I know from personal experience). It’s not going to get better once he moves, if anything it’ll get worse. Cut all ties and move forward. No need for an explanation as that might send him into a spiral. Just politely let him know you’d like to discontinue the friendship and block him everywhere. And if that’s too much, start with a soft block then slowly taper off.
You barely know this person and you are getting all this drama
No. This person needs to fix their own problems. Don’t let this person use you as a scapegoat, pseudo mom, or free therapy.
I read a few paragraphs and you lost me at his ex stalking you on IG. We are not in highschool and college anymore. This is childs play and we are grown adults... Why would you even tolerate that fr. 😞
No actually, I never had my ex stalk other people on social media. So yes, lucky me. I don't live on social media and when I had accounts, I never setup my accounts to where I could be easily found. I'm also not gonna defend someone I'm dating ex who's stalking me. That's the part I was talking about. Yes, I know it's nothing you can affect, but it's not anything to brag about either.
If you already told him what he needs to do (i.e., get his life sorted) and he doesn't slow down his messages, you need to put your foot down. Tell him you'll revisit the idea of a relationship once he gets to you, and for right now, to just be friends. Let him know he's texting you more than you'd like him to and that you'd prefer to keep it a minimum for the next six weeks. If this is how you feel, then you have every reason to tell it as it is. I mean it's only been a month but if you keep him strung along like this he is likely going to get more obsessed or bored of you not reciprocating the energy back.
It’s been on my mind stringing him along. I don’t want to. But I also take time to think through my decisions and I just can’t explain why I feel so differently now
From the sound of your post, it seems like your gut feeling is telling you he is doing too much and it's weirding you out. You're also guilty feeling this way because you like him somewhat and want to see where it goes. But I agree, he is doing too much.
Feeling bad or guilty is interesting - is it due to genuinely liking them or being interested, or is it not wanting to disappoint anybody in general?
People have expressed to me their feelings of guilt when they had to cancel or couldnt engage as much or needed to take space, and I've learned to take that at face value and not take it personally. But I'd be lying if a small voice in my mind remains: "is it really just because of me?"
In this case, she likely feels guilty because a part of her likes him but not to the same extent he likes her. I don't know about other cases. I feel like guilt can be very layered when it comes to the reasons.
>They had a big fallout over his msgs to me and broke up and he said hes moving out here.
Woah, his crazy ex was SO CRAZY that he *actually broke up with her*?!
The OP says that they were broken up and "on and off" by the time they started texting. It's possible that his ex wanted him in her life and actively tried to ruin his connection with others as well as engaged in other manipulative tactics, rather than they still were in a committed relationship.
Well that’s maybe part of the scary part bc he had 5 years and didn’t till I enter the picture briefly
And it’s like he’s suddenly ready to bolt on her now
OP, I'm trying to give you a hint, but I can see you're not taking it, so let me be blunt:
You call her the crazy ex, but he was obviously STILL INVOLVED WITH HER when he was getting together with you.
This makes him a monkey brancher at best, and a flat out cheater at worst.
Obviously you're free to date him anyway. You're free to describe him as a "good man." And you're free to push alllll the blame for the drama you tasted onto his now(?)-ex's shoulders, as though your guy is a victimized little saint and you're just a bystander in this mess and not another willing participant.
But don't be shocked when the reward for dating a dude who cannot stand to be without female attention - even if it's attention from his "crazy" "ex" he just HAS to date on and off for six months! - is that you're dating a dude who cannot stand to be without female attention.
This guy entered your life an attention-seeker with bad boundaries. Is it any surprise that a month in he's still an attention-seeker with bad boundaries????
You don’t want problems in the future. Cut it off as early as possible. You don’t need to be responsible for someone you’re not in a relationship with.
You don’t know this guy enough to say for 100% certain he’s a good guy. Most people can make a good first impression especially when it’s mostly online.
If an ex felt a need to send you messages, it might be because he really did a number on her mentally and she’s traumatized & “acting out.” It’s a red flag if the ex has nothing nice to say. I have one ex I could rage over easily and the rest I have good thoughts over. Hell, I’m close friends with my son’s father (HS sweetheart). The one ex I could rage over abused me. Huge difference. Even if the ex is just imbalanced and scorn—it’s a red flag because it shows this guy doesn’t have the healthiest of partner pickers (which is something he should work on while staying single).
From the little you shared about him, he seems like a low quality partner in the making—he’s not established (no work, no house. OK, I get he’s reestablishing himself but a healthy person would not want to date under these circumstances. No one with high emotional intelligence seeks out a relationship while still recovering from a breakup. Casual sex, maybe, but not a relationship). He’s got nothing to do all day so he texts you nonstop (no hobbies? Life of his own? His own social groups? Sounds like he’ll end up isolating you if you’re the only one to provide him with socialization). He’s trying to speed up the process (huge red flag) and seems obsessive (sounds like he’s idealizing you & is falling for the idea of you—not you as a person).
I’m not getting good vibes at all. The one abusive ex I have did stuff like this—ofc they are likely different people but a lot of manipulative partners start out similar. My ex was essentially homeless when I met him. I had a house, good credit and prospects. The guy abused me emotionally, financially, sexually and physically by the end of it.
Are you sure this guy isn’t looking for a free ride? Someone to take care of him?
Tread carefully.
He seems,
1. Very immature for his age
2. Codependent to the max
You seem intelligent and like you have your head on straight. The decision is ultimately yours but it seems like the risk is greater than the reward in this situation.
TLDR...DD.
Too long distance relationship. Don't date.
Too many people act like this dude when long distance. That's why I don't deal with LDRs.
Maybe when he actually moves here, you can go out with him and see what he's like when he's local.
I've done long distance and it's been good for me b/c they didnt act like this. Gave me my space. Maybe I need a lot of space. I've tried to defer it by saying "I want to take things slow" "focus on yourself and moving out here". "get yourself set up". I'm not sure what else to say.
I'd like to do what you said and see him when he moves here and sort of start fresh all that.... But I'm not sure how to stop all this until then.
You tell him exactly what you said here. "How bout we take a step back and wait til you move out here before we pursue anything romantic".
Then stick to that boundary.
I can relate, I’m that type of guy in a sense, I also went thought a situationship quite similar. I’m a shy for most people, but once I find “my person” it feels nice when she communicates at the same level. We had great chemistry, unreal sex and I even helped her in important stuff. I know it can be annoying texting all the time, but just talk to him about it. If you enjoy his company, don’t let a good thing end, boundaries are necessary. On a side note… people bad mouthing me (until this day I don’t even know who they are) was the reason I ended it.
Thats odd... how did you know they bad mouthed you if you didnt know who they were? What is up with that whole thing?
Teh thing is I liked him, but I just cant get past some of this stuff. Like a gut feeling. I am trying not to be judgmental but they always say listen to your gut and it's something I cant explain.
She told me about this people and showed me the messages, I live in a small town but I’ve never heard of this people before, so made up bs stories about me to break us apart… they just wanted get in her pants… I supported this girl in graduations and surgeries she had… but she decided to believe those people’s words.
Back to your case, Im a big advocate of gut feelings, listen to them, if it feels fishy get out.
>What is on my mind is I cant say why this is bothering me per se... maybe it's too soon. In reality he hasn't done much wrong
This is the only sentence that really matters in this stream of consciousness. Granted he sounds kind of like an obsessive child (also never get involved with someone with a crazy ex) but regardless you're with him because it's like a meh.. why not. With all this drama not even worth considering.
You don't like this guy, leave him alone, sis. Just block this dude and move on. I can't see from what you have written what's so great about this guy.
You are right to not rush esp if it's someone not over their past relationship. You really need to tell him he is coming off too strong and you want him to tone it down or else it's just not going to work. Tell him you like having space and space let's you miss people more, you can't miss him if he is constantly reaching out. Tell him it's important to have your own hobbies and interests, that you don't want to be the center of his world. Some people are insecure and need constant attention. To me, it sounds like he is just sad and going through a rough time and uses his interactions with you to raise his spirits.
This sounds like love bombing and a complete lack of respect for boundaries, and you definitely need to lay down boundaries with him, otherwise he’s going to continue to assume he’s doing nothing wrong.
Also, what happens if this escalates when he moves. If he’s coming on this intense, you’re worried about him finding out you’re seeing other people, and you’re not ready to date, is this something you really want to keep moving forward with/expect a healthy outcome?
I think you have a lot of great advice here and it's hard to say just from your post whether his actions are innocent and him just being excited about a new relationship or if it dips into the stalker category. But I think ultimately it only matters how it makes you feel. It's clearly making you uncomfortable which means he's probably not your guy. I would suggest telling him how you feel and see if his actions adjust at all or if it's more of the same. Listen to your body. If you still feel super uncomfortable by his actions, even if others may be OK with them, it just means you guys aren't a match and that's OK.
For what it's worth after I got out of a 8 year relationship where I owned a house and business with my ex I was also trying to jump immediately into a relationship because what I missed wasn't my ex but was the safety and security of a relationship. Especially if you've been together with someone for a long time, when that ends you feel like you have nowhere to put that energy and it can be hard to invest it back in yourself and your own hobbies. This guy likely just needs time to heal and learn from his last relationship, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to be there to help him through that.
Sounds like he has an [anxious attachment style.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202009/recognizing-the-anxious-attachment-style) None of this is your problem and to you need to maintain your boundaries other wise you will get sucked into the vortex. Sounds like you need to talk with him. He’ll freak out but its now (when you’re a safe distance away) or later.
I’ve dated people like this- The messaging can be controlling or trying to monopolise your time. At first you might feel a bit like ‘oh they’re very attentive 🥰’ mixed with a bit of concern about the intensity. But in my opinion, as time passes this person will absolutely exhaust and traumatise you with their overbearingness
It sounds to me like he's excited and infatuated. He's thinking about you, so when he can't talk to you he's looking at your social media. I would make it explicitly clear that
1. A relationship with you is not guaranteed. You will not commit to anything until you've had time to date in person and his life is stable.
2. While you appreciate his enthusiasm, you are not in the same place and his coming on too strong is making you lose interest.
I would literally use these words. His reaction to them will likely tell you all you need to know.
And for what it's worth, lots of people here like to use the term "love bomb" like every man on earth is actively manipulating every woman they meet but I know very few men who think that way. You are right to be skeptical, though; infatuation fades as quickly as it forms, and he hasn't demonstrated anything more than that yet.
I think you should just try being really clear with him about this behavior, maybe if you address all of it (not just trying to get one day to yourself) he’ll change. And if he doesn’t then that will be your clear answer.
Why tf does it seem like he’s putting more effort into getting your attention than it seems he’s putting in to get a FULLTIME JOB? He’s barely employed and unless he’s got a trust fund subsidizing his lifestyle, that is just pathetic. He should get his priorities in order.
Ur right
I think that’s why it bothers me
I do know he’s applied for positions out here but I don’t know how much. I haven’t pressed it for several reasons. But ultimately I figure things like that tell on themselves. He’ll either have a job or he won’t.
But yeah I told him a few times point blank he needs to focus on the move and setting himself up here first
How do you think the dating pool is in your locale? Do you think you can get some promising hits on guys in your area that are less hassle than this guy? Cuz man... you're not even talking for all that long and he's already got a bushel and a half of bullshit you don't really need taking up your precious time and energy. Sometimes it's the right guy wrong time. In this case, it's the wrong time and wrong place. If it's meant to be, I believe fate will bring him back in your orbit.
Ur right
That’s why I put a hold on it
Maybe he’s a good guy but time will tell
He has to get set up here first and prove it
Not just act in love and text all day
Dating pool here is terrible which is why I usually date out of state
Also at our age no one’s gonna be perfect and that’s ok
I’m not perfect
I think that’s part of my thing is if the worst he does is this idk
It’s really annoying but better than having a wife he’s hiding or cheating or having an addiction
Update
I told him Im worried I can’t offer the type of relationship I feel he wants as I can’t reply to texts etc every hour
He seemed ok but today his ig stories are about how if people ignore you do yourself a favor and never speak to them again
I feel I’ve dodged a bullet
All along I felt this would get obsessive and petty quickly
The general theme I see is you’re conflicted about being with him. The attention can be nice but the commitment may be more than you’re ready for at the moment.
After less than a month lol
It’s not on me it’s assumed people are seeing other people:
He didn’t bring it up why should I
I told him I wanted to move slowly until he actually moved here
I mean, I don't see any red flags personally. A lot of women would love that kind of attention.
This is what I would do:
1) Set clear boundaries. "Hey, I'm so glad you're excited to come out here, but please make some connections with others. I feel pressure being the only one." Or "I love texting, but Im usually busy during the day."
Maybe throw in a: "I am really interested in seeing where this goes, but a typical get to know you phase is 6 months to a year, so we don't need to rush things".
2) Make sure you aren't too open with your personal life early on. Don't give him the comforts of your life early on. Keep your favorite places to yourself. Don't let him feel too comfortable at your place, and don't help him get settled in. Don't help him by giving your connections, etc. That way, if it doesn't work out, you're free and clear.
3) Enjoy your time and don't feel pressured. Make sure he is putting in the work to deserve your attention.
Good on you for thinking independently!!
Huge red flag for me personally to be that needy but I agree some women would be dripping for a phone call every hour
My ex situationship loved it, she went from barely responding, to us texting 24/7 almost non stop… she was constantly sending me couples related stuff, but some outsiders get in the way. 🤷♂️
I agree with the poster who spoke about co-dependency. It sounds like he hasn't processed any of the grief of the five year relationship ending, and is just looking for someone to fill that space in his life. He's communicating like your deep in a long term relationship because in his head you are (he's simply moved you into that role emotionally, to replace his ex). It's no wonder it doesn't feel quite right, because you can feel you're being used. Tell him how uncomfortable it's making you. Be kind.
Side note, as someone who has OCD - assuming he'll become stalkerish because of the disorder is a complete misreading of the disorder. Yes - the "O" stands for obsessive, but that is usually with regards to a theme (EG - Religion, Contamination, Harm). I am yet to hear someone whose obsessions focus on a person. In fact, OCD is a verys \*self\* doubting, \*inward\* focussing disease, "Am \*I\* evil? Could \*I\* have killed someone and not remember? Did \*I\* leave the oven on and will \*I\* burn my house down as a result? Have \*I\* cleaned my hands enough after touching that door handle - nope, better clean them again" etc. The person is wracked with self-doubt. He probably feels really insecure in the early stages of the realtionship, "Am I gonna fuck this up? Am I too much?" so he might be compulsively texting you as a form of reassurance, because the small dopamine hit he gets when you respond alleviates his anxiety. So it could be related to his OCD too. Not saying any of this behaviour is healthy and should be put up with on your end. But you wont know unless you talk to him.
Re the OCD: I've dealt with my share of it. I had to overcome it. I think all successful people have a bit of it. I was an athlete at a high level for a long time.
My mom has OCD so it's ruined our relationship b/c she picks on me. I did question if it was some of that coming out.
but I agree on the internalization. It's prob a little what I'm doing here also myself. "I dont want to be the bad guy" "am I reading it wrong"
where it comes in to play with him is I think it will end up with him sort of OCD ing over my whereabouts. Things like when I say I'm done at 5:40 and he texts me at that time... it tells me he's watching and paying close attention to my schedule. I feel like I'd end up having to account for being late or other scenarios down teh line "you said you were done at 5:40" type stuff. I also dont want to account of my whereabouts to people right now esp this early.
There are other things: Like him messaging me as soon as I make a post on FB.. it tells me hes watching me online and I've begun to feel like I cant have an online presence without communication with him as if he expects me to communicate with him when I'm online.
I do think hes looking for validation. Every day he brings up moving out here, and it's still 6 weeks away. he tries to talk about feelings for me but it's too soon for me. I think hes looking for validation every time he brings those things up.
Firstly, I'm really sorry your mum picked on you. That's horrible. But hearing more details about him, like how closely he's observing you - I'd say this is a major red flag for co-dependancy and proceed with caution! Be really clear that this behaviour isn't okay - set boundaries and if he crosses them, then you have your answer!
I didn’t call him a stalker . I said his behavior seems as though it might become stalkerish. I also said he’s not stalked any friends or done anything other than text too much.
I clearly said it bothered me (hence I don’t like the attention)
I also said I actually did like him when we spent time together
The entire point of the post is that he’s giving me too much attention and it bothers me lol
It bothers you because you don’t like him. I’m sure if Brad Pitt or (insert other hot man of your choice) acted the same you wouldn’t use those choice of words. Again. Leave him alone.
Actually you seem to have a problem reading
I do like him
If Brad Pit texted me in the manner this man does I wouldn’t like him either bc it’s needy and annoying behavior
I’ve had customers and even “friends” act this way or try to msg too much and it’s always annoying
I can still have enjoyed my time with him and find his texting behavior annoying and off putting
You’ve used the word stalking a lot in a thread about someone you seem to still be considering dating.
That's exactly my point. Why continue to string him along? It would be more ethical and compassionate to inform him that you want no further involvement with him. Continuing this will only cause him emotional pain, not you. You seem content with your current situation. I fail to understand why individuals engage in this behavior; it appears to be a form of psychological manipulation, which is exceedingly unhealthy. While I am not a therapist 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣, this conduct seems profoundly damaging.
Can’t speak for everyone I’ve never had this issue before Crazy x, loss of feelings etc I think I’m dealing with the fact that my gut tells me one thing, but logically I did really like him. And i want to like him. I don’t understand what happened within my own self really
You can’t logic away the ick that someone is giving you, though. Your heart wins the battle against the head usually. All the changes you’re making to your usual habits, like not posting on social media because you don’t want to have him blowing you up (you don’t want the contact, big flag), are signs that this is not the right fit for you and you guys are incompatible. Cut your losses before he moves to where you are and figures out where you live.
Haha 😂
It’s a very fair point The definition may or may not be appropriate It feels stalkerish But aside from texting me too much or when I go online he hasn’t done anything else He hasn’t tried to friend friends or anything like that So is it stalkerish to text too much? Idk that’s the question Will he become stalkerish That’s what worries me
I read like the first few paragraphs only. Don't even need to read the rest to you not to get involved with this guy. If this is someone you seriously consider dating, you need to seriously reevaluate your standards.
I always give people too much benefit of the doubt. I am learning to deal with it. I've learned a lot of my self esteem issues come from my mother constantly brow beating me, leading me to feel like everything is my fault.... I'm getting better about it and I've done good to keep him at arms length. Just not sure how to bring this up. And as you mention getting involved, if he is super stalkerish cutting it off could put him in a tailspin too...
The longer you stay in contact with him, the greater the chance he'll go into a tailspin. Does he know where you live or work? I would probably tell him you are no longer interested in communicating with him. If he continues to text you, block him. The most important thing with ending things with people like this is to be firm, and not to let any emotions get involved. "Be like HR" at work is the way I like to think about it.
I was in beginning stages with a guy like this, feeling much the same about trying to keep him at arms length, or otherwise appease his feelings. My sister asked me straight up why I needed to MANAGE this person so much?? You shouldn't feel like you need to *produce* a relationship.
Yes he knows. We met at my business actually. he is experienced in the same field and came in. We talked some and he texted me after and I invited him to do a business activity. It wasnt b/c I was interested necessarily I just enjoy having skilled people to do things with and taking ppl out also helps justify my cost. But sadly this means he knows a lot of my contacts and business information. his X actually contacted my business! with recordings of phone calls with him! Nuts. She said h stalked her too but her behavior was very bad on her. She had been messaging him with a totally fake profile we found out. And me. I have watched him for a month to see if he follows any of my friends etc and so far he has not done anything like that at all.
If it helps, I was that guy. Not to the same extent but I dated a lady for four months from November. I was cautious as first but after she initiated sex and some initial lovebombing I fell for her. I am a texter and as it turns out she, with ADHD, has text anxiety. Long story short when we broke up I fell into a depression but the last three hard months made me realise I wasn’t ready. Maybe she wasn’t as well but there was an unhealthy need for love and validation. No one is perfect and we have bouts of insecurity but I think you’d be looking for a man who communicates openly yet without seeing you as a source of his everything. Having turned my own corner my two cents is there is probably deep seated emotional stuff he needs to work through and if he doesn’t it will break any relationship down. He probably does like you a lot but a good part of that is driven by an internal lack.
He does shrooms to deal with ocd and yes I think there’s deep emotional issues esp jumping to a new relationship right after the first Or at least trying to make it that way on his end I’ve tried to slow it down so he can work on himself I think he’s truly a good person and prob has some potential after he deals with his own matters But that’s on him
Yes, and sadly, for me, I needed to be "broken" to go deep, if that made sense. I was married for ten years in an unhappy marriage. That ended and this lady (the second one I dated, about 3 years after my split) was the first person I really liked. Hindsight is 20/20 and while there are days I rue my having not done the emotional work, I didn't know the problem was there! Good luck either way!
I’m glad u got through it I had my own trauma to recover from and I finally got to the point I was happy on my own. And like u said 20/20 I can see he’s where I was
Honestly it sounds like they are both stalkers. No wonder they were in a relationship. Don’t become the ex.
If you’re worried about him tailspinning and being a problem, consider [grey rock.](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock)
My codependency alarm is just blaring here. This guy is gonna cling to you like a balloon on a wool sweater.
He has no life, so….you are his life. From personal experience, I’m gonna tell you it will not get better. You will tell him he needs to chill, he’ll say “yeah I get it you have a life, I’ll be better”….and it won’t get better. Depending on the kind of guy he is, he will probably start accusing you of cheating or thinking you’re going to leave him for someone “better”. The other possibility is he is a hobo-sexual and he is just love bombing you. The third possibility is he never planned on moving to where you are, he’s love bombing you, and plans on asking for money in the near future. Probably some personal trashed will require you send him money.
Tough love time. You keep making excuses for someone you’ve known for a month. You don’t need any reason to break up with someone. You are looking for a ‘good enough reason’ to ‘justify’ it because he’s ‘a good man’. Who gives a shit if he is a good man. He can be a good man for someone else because he doesn’t suit you. You appear to have really low self esteem to be questioning yourself to this extent and should cut this guy loose. He is drama, he is codependent, he makes you uncomfortable, and you are unable to set a boundary. How do I know you’re unable to set the boundary? Because in this post you’re not even sure if you should be setting it.
I appreciate the replies. Tonight's a prime example: Ive been sick I feel horrible today. I didnt feel like talking on the phone yesterday b/c of the sickness (poor mood), and I was just enjoying some peace after a long stint of travel etc. I told him maybe tomorrow or another day. So today he asks to talk after work tonight... I politely told him I need to sleep after work I feel horrible. (this is true) So these are the responses I get and how it goes every time: 10:35 : "Ok". 10:55 : "good night" 11:15 : I get a "like" on my fb post from about 8 hours earlier. I cant explain why this type of stuff sets me off so much. But I feel like he just picks for me to respond. I might be overthinking.. I always try to be reasonable and consider peoples intent. Maybe he's not intending to come across wrong. I know I can come across wrong too at times. I dont want to misjudge a good person. but it just is making me feel so weird this pattern of behavior!
His reply pattern reminders me of a guy I was speaking to in February. It seems like hes the anxious attachment. If it's rubbing you up the wrong way not, I really would advise to end things with him. From my experience it's only gets worst and everytime I brought it up to him he got in a mood and continued.
If that's his texting pattern to you all day every hour... yeah that is a heck of a lot... Do you also usually talk on the phone every day too? At least you let him know you're willing to try again another day. But as others have said, you've gotta set some boundaries. His anxiousness is making you avoidant. Your anecdote here feels like an odd echo of my own situation, but from my perspective I'm not sending many messages and she's always sick or been battling some big stresses in her life for the past few months 😅 Tough to know how to be supportive of someone without adding to their strain and stress. So communicate your boundaries and let him know what will help settle you!
The less I respond the more it comes…I think that’s where I’m seeing the pattern and it scares me I didn’t respond to any bc I said I was going to sleep I intended to but actually stayed up doing my kids homeschool I work late we have an odd schedule But anyways 12:48 another text about how he hopes I’m ok and missed me It wil go one per hour daily until I respond it seems. Initially I tried to set a distant texting pattern and it began with texts until i responded Texts like “hey”…”how are you”…”thinking about you” things like this mixed with responses to fb posts stories etc. I also noticed early on if I made a post on fb he’d message me right away. As if he saw me online and felt I should be talking to him We don’t usually talk on the phone but once a week on FaceTime, but I’m just not in a good mood from being sick is all… In a real introvert sometimes I just don’t feel like talking … I’ve been trying to work with my kid since I was traveling a lot other months…
My recommendation is that you tell him how what he is doing makes you feel, if you haven't already. If he does it and you reply, then he is essentially seeing it as how what he is doing works, and in effect teaching himself that this is how you both are. Any move away from this will be something he notices, especially if you are long distance, and it may make him try to be 'more' like this person he thinks you like. So, I'd say you sit down and talk to him. Tell him honestly what you think and feel about how he has been and what you'd like behaviourwise. If he listens and cares, he'll make an effort. If after this he still isn't paying attention to your communicated needs; it is very possible there's a fundamental incompatibility. These things aren't really failures; it happens. My point generally is that communication is key, and I've seen a lot of relationships fall apart because people don't talk about how they feel or act on how they feel. If you don't like what you are seeing, and he keeps doing what he is doing, knowing you dislike it, then I think you'll know what you want to do.
And another hour later around 2 am another fb ping It’s every hour! I need to find a way to say this is odd Axius you’re correct I’ve tried to slow communication and sometimes he will temporarily but then it’s back to this Constant pinging till I give him attention is what it comes across as Like my cat
Reminds me of me too lmao. Poor guy. Life is tough, I’m wishing both parties the very best.
I'll take the down votes, but girl.... You were messaging another woman's man? And, she's crazy because she confronted you about it? Then, he wants to move to be near you after cheating on her with you? And, now that he's lost his companion he is desperate to connect to you because he needs assurance that all he's lost isn't for nothing? And, now he's needy? Am I misunderstanding this situation?
No that’s not what happened I believed he was single He participated in an activity at my business and she saw it via a fake profile which she used to stalk his Instagram. She then stalked mine under a fake business name She then began messaging me His explanation of the situation was they had broken up for 6 months but been on and off and he was considering moving to start over This was cooperated by messages she sent me actually
Oh! So, he's a liar and a cheater. Run, don't walk, from this dude.
No; he didnt lie or cheat.
I agree with the commenter, he was still involved with her, on/off is not broken up especially after a long relationship. I also don't see what's redeemable about this guy, seems like way too many issues and res flags to be dealing in your 40s. I'd take a hard pass on someone like that
I think you have valid points; I just wanted to say he was up front with me. Even before she stalked me he told me he was ending a toxic relationship that had been long term. He told me it was his reason for considering moving. It's common to assume esp in early dating that ppl are dating other people. So I assumed he might be seeing other women back there. To this day, in his defense, I dont feel he was in a committed relationship. I'm also seeing other people. I bought that up in the post as well. It would be wrong of him to consider me "cheating" for that as well I feel?
Why are you defending him? You don't even like him. This whole thing is a mess.
I'm not defending him. I did clarify some things for some people. For ex someone assumed he didnt have a house. To be fair to him he does. I also said I liked him. I dislike his actions when it comes to the texting.
Disaster dumptruck full of shit coming your way. A stalking ex, no full time employement, no house, if he plays guitar and smokes weed as well, its a classic one out of the "get me preggo meme textbook"
To clarify he does have a house where he lives now. I was saying he doesn’t have a house here like he has to set himself up for when he moves…. He has a big personal change and I don’t want it centered around me He does have a job working in a field he is actively competing in and hoping to open a business in. On one hand I dont like that but I also did the same for a time and I've been self employed for 15+ years now. It paid off for me. No guitar or weed lol
Seems like you have a communication issue, just tell him exactly that "you dont want his big upcoming personal change to be because of you" As for the begging for your attention via text, that guy needs to chill, you have your own business that requires a lot of your time. He's not a kid and should understand you're buys with life, instead of being glued to your phone. I do have my own business as well, and if a woman would not understand or has a problem with the fact that i *will not* be on my phone the whole day to reply, she'll be out of the picture really fast. Good luck.
That would really turn me off, that’s very needy.
Hi OP please cut this off ASAP!! I can hardly count the red flags here. What you’ve already deemed as “stalking” can turn dark very quickly (I know from personal experience). It’s not going to get better once he moves, if anything it’ll get worse. Cut all ties and move forward. No need for an explanation as that might send him into a spiral. Just politely let him know you’d like to discontinue the friendship and block him everywhere. And if that’s too much, start with a soft block then slowly taper off.
You barely know this person and you are getting all this drama No. This person needs to fix their own problems. Don’t let this person use you as a scapegoat, pseudo mom, or free therapy.
I read a few paragraphs and you lost me at his ex stalking you on IG. We are not in highschool and college anymore. This is childs play and we are grown adults... Why would you even tolerate that fr. 😞
You never had your ex stalk other people on IG? Lucky you. It's not something you can affect
No actually, I never had my ex stalk other people on social media. So yes, lucky me. I don't live on social media and when I had accounts, I never setup my accounts to where I could be easily found. I'm also not gonna defend someone I'm dating ex who's stalking me. That's the part I was talking about. Yes, I know it's nothing you can affect, but it's not anything to brag about either.
Oh I must've misunderstood. I initially read your post like that one shouldn't bother connecting with victims of stalking because it's "drama."
Understood, I maybe should have finished my thought lol.
If you already told him what he needs to do (i.e., get his life sorted) and he doesn't slow down his messages, you need to put your foot down. Tell him you'll revisit the idea of a relationship once he gets to you, and for right now, to just be friends. Let him know he's texting you more than you'd like him to and that you'd prefer to keep it a minimum for the next six weeks. If this is how you feel, then you have every reason to tell it as it is. I mean it's only been a month but if you keep him strung along like this he is likely going to get more obsessed or bored of you not reciprocating the energy back.
It’s been on my mind stringing him along. I don’t want to. But I also take time to think through my decisions and I just can’t explain why I feel so differently now
From the sound of your post, it seems like your gut feeling is telling you he is doing too much and it's weirding you out. You're also guilty feeling this way because you like him somewhat and want to see where it goes. But I agree, he is doing too much.
Feeling bad or guilty is interesting - is it due to genuinely liking them or being interested, or is it not wanting to disappoint anybody in general? People have expressed to me their feelings of guilt when they had to cancel or couldnt engage as much or needed to take space, and I've learned to take that at face value and not take it personally. But I'd be lying if a small voice in my mind remains: "is it really just because of me?"
In this case, she likely feels guilty because a part of her likes him but not to the same extent he likes her. I don't know about other cases. I feel like guilt can be very layered when it comes to the reasons.
Agreed, guilt and shame are such nuanced and layered emotions... so many elements weaving through them.
>They had a big fallout over his msgs to me and broke up and he said hes moving out here. Woah, his crazy ex was SO CRAZY that he *actually broke up with her*?!
The OP says that they were broken up and "on and off" by the time they started texting. It's possible that his ex wanted him in her life and actively tried to ruin his connection with others as well as engaged in other manipulative tactics, rather than they still were in a committed relationship.
Well that’s maybe part of the scary part bc he had 5 years and didn’t till I enter the picture briefly And it’s like he’s suddenly ready to bolt on her now
OP, I'm trying to give you a hint, but I can see you're not taking it, so let me be blunt: You call her the crazy ex, but he was obviously STILL INVOLVED WITH HER when he was getting together with you. This makes him a monkey brancher at best, and a flat out cheater at worst. Obviously you're free to date him anyway. You're free to describe him as a "good man." And you're free to push alllll the blame for the drama you tasted onto his now(?)-ex's shoulders, as though your guy is a victimized little saint and you're just a bystander in this mess and not another willing participant. But don't be shocked when the reward for dating a dude who cannot stand to be without female attention - even if it's attention from his "crazy" "ex" he just HAS to date on and off for six months! - is that you're dating a dude who cannot stand to be without female attention. This guy entered your life an attention-seeker with bad boundaries. Is it any surprise that a month in he's still an attention-seeker with bad boundaries????
Preach!
You don’t want problems in the future. Cut it off as early as possible. You don’t need to be responsible for someone you’re not in a relationship with.
You don’t know this guy enough to say for 100% certain he’s a good guy. Most people can make a good first impression especially when it’s mostly online. If an ex felt a need to send you messages, it might be because he really did a number on her mentally and she’s traumatized & “acting out.” It’s a red flag if the ex has nothing nice to say. I have one ex I could rage over easily and the rest I have good thoughts over. Hell, I’m close friends with my son’s father (HS sweetheart). The one ex I could rage over abused me. Huge difference. Even if the ex is just imbalanced and scorn—it’s a red flag because it shows this guy doesn’t have the healthiest of partner pickers (which is something he should work on while staying single). From the little you shared about him, he seems like a low quality partner in the making—he’s not established (no work, no house. OK, I get he’s reestablishing himself but a healthy person would not want to date under these circumstances. No one with high emotional intelligence seeks out a relationship while still recovering from a breakup. Casual sex, maybe, but not a relationship). He’s got nothing to do all day so he texts you nonstop (no hobbies? Life of his own? His own social groups? Sounds like he’ll end up isolating you if you’re the only one to provide him with socialization). He’s trying to speed up the process (huge red flag) and seems obsessive (sounds like he’s idealizing you & is falling for the idea of you—not you as a person). I’m not getting good vibes at all. The one abusive ex I have did stuff like this—ofc they are likely different people but a lot of manipulative partners start out similar. My ex was essentially homeless when I met him. I had a house, good credit and prospects. The guy abused me emotionally, financially, sexually and physically by the end of it. Are you sure this guy isn’t looking for a free ride? Someone to take care of him? Tread carefully.
He seems, 1. Very immature for his age 2. Codependent to the max You seem intelligent and like you have your head on straight. The decision is ultimately yours but it seems like the risk is greater than the reward in this situation.
TLDR...DD. Too long distance relationship. Don't date. Too many people act like this dude when long distance. That's why I don't deal with LDRs. Maybe when he actually moves here, you can go out with him and see what he's like when he's local.
I've done long distance and it's been good for me b/c they didnt act like this. Gave me my space. Maybe I need a lot of space. I've tried to defer it by saying "I want to take things slow" "focus on yourself and moving out here". "get yourself set up". I'm not sure what else to say. I'd like to do what you said and see him when he moves here and sort of start fresh all that.... But I'm not sure how to stop all this until then.
You tell him exactly what you said here. "How bout we take a step back and wait til you move out here before we pursue anything romantic". Then stick to that boundary.
I can relate, I’m that type of guy in a sense, I also went thought a situationship quite similar. I’m a shy for most people, but once I find “my person” it feels nice when she communicates at the same level. We had great chemistry, unreal sex and I even helped her in important stuff. I know it can be annoying texting all the time, but just talk to him about it. If you enjoy his company, don’t let a good thing end, boundaries are necessary. On a side note… people bad mouthing me (until this day I don’t even know who they are) was the reason I ended it.
Thats odd... how did you know they bad mouthed you if you didnt know who they were? What is up with that whole thing? Teh thing is I liked him, but I just cant get past some of this stuff. Like a gut feeling. I am trying not to be judgmental but they always say listen to your gut and it's something I cant explain.
She told me about this people and showed me the messages, I live in a small town but I’ve never heard of this people before, so made up bs stories about me to break us apart… they just wanted get in her pants… I supported this girl in graduations and surgeries she had… but she decided to believe those people’s words. Back to your case, Im a big advocate of gut feelings, listen to them, if it feels fishy get out.
It sucks but if she didn’t believe you - she wasn’t the one, the right one you wouldn’t have to make a case
>What is on my mind is I cant say why this is bothering me per se... maybe it's too soon. In reality he hasn't done much wrong This is the only sentence that really matters in this stream of consciousness. Granted he sounds kind of like an obsessive child (also never get involved with someone with a crazy ex) but regardless you're with him because it's like a meh.. why not. With all this drama not even worth considering.
You don't like this guy, leave him alone, sis. Just block this dude and move on. I can't see from what you have written what's so great about this guy.
You are right to not rush esp if it's someone not over their past relationship. You really need to tell him he is coming off too strong and you want him to tone it down or else it's just not going to work. Tell him you like having space and space let's you miss people more, you can't miss him if he is constantly reaching out. Tell him it's important to have your own hobbies and interests, that you don't want to be the center of his world. Some people are insecure and need constant attention. To me, it sounds like he is just sad and going through a rough time and uses his interactions with you to raise his spirits.
This sounds like love bombing and a complete lack of respect for boundaries, and you definitely need to lay down boundaries with him, otherwise he’s going to continue to assume he’s doing nothing wrong. Also, what happens if this escalates when he moves. If he’s coming on this intense, you’re worried about him finding out you’re seeing other people, and you’re not ready to date, is this something you really want to keep moving forward with/expect a healthy outcome?
I think you have a lot of great advice here and it's hard to say just from your post whether his actions are innocent and him just being excited about a new relationship or if it dips into the stalker category. But I think ultimately it only matters how it makes you feel. It's clearly making you uncomfortable which means he's probably not your guy. I would suggest telling him how you feel and see if his actions adjust at all or if it's more of the same. Listen to your body. If you still feel super uncomfortable by his actions, even if others may be OK with them, it just means you guys aren't a match and that's OK. For what it's worth after I got out of a 8 year relationship where I owned a house and business with my ex I was also trying to jump immediately into a relationship because what I missed wasn't my ex but was the safety and security of a relationship. Especially if you've been together with someone for a long time, when that ends you feel like you have nowhere to put that energy and it can be hard to invest it back in yourself and your own hobbies. This guy likely just needs time to heal and learn from his last relationship, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to be there to help him through that.
Sounds like you don't want to date him anymore. NEXXXXXXT
Sounds like he has an [anxious attachment style.](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202009/recognizing-the-anxious-attachment-style) None of this is your problem and to you need to maintain your boundaries other wise you will get sucked into the vortex. Sounds like you need to talk with him. He’ll freak out but its now (when you’re a safe distance away) or later.
I’ve dated people like this- The messaging can be controlling or trying to monopolise your time. At first you might feel a bit like ‘oh they’re very attentive 🥰’ mixed with a bit of concern about the intensity. But in my opinion, as time passes this person will absolutely exhaust and traumatise you with their overbearingness
It sounds to me like he's excited and infatuated. He's thinking about you, so when he can't talk to you he's looking at your social media. I would make it explicitly clear that 1. A relationship with you is not guaranteed. You will not commit to anything until you've had time to date in person and his life is stable. 2. While you appreciate his enthusiasm, you are not in the same place and his coming on too strong is making you lose interest. I would literally use these words. His reaction to them will likely tell you all you need to know. And for what it's worth, lots of people here like to use the term "love bomb" like every man on earth is actively manipulating every woman they meet but I know very few men who think that way. You are right to be skeptical, though; infatuation fades as quickly as it forms, and he hasn't demonstrated anything more than that yet.
I think you should just try being really clear with him about this behavior, maybe if you address all of it (not just trying to get one day to yourself) he’ll change. And if he doesn’t then that will be your clear answer.
Block him .... It's simple and find someone who loves you ....
Why tf does it seem like he’s putting more effort into getting your attention than it seems he’s putting in to get a FULLTIME JOB? He’s barely employed and unless he’s got a trust fund subsidizing his lifestyle, that is just pathetic. He should get his priorities in order.
Ur right I think that’s why it bothers me I do know he’s applied for positions out here but I don’t know how much. I haven’t pressed it for several reasons. But ultimately I figure things like that tell on themselves. He’ll either have a job or he won’t. But yeah I told him a few times point blank he needs to focus on the move and setting himself up here first
How do you think the dating pool is in your locale? Do you think you can get some promising hits on guys in your area that are less hassle than this guy? Cuz man... you're not even talking for all that long and he's already got a bushel and a half of bullshit you don't really need taking up your precious time and energy. Sometimes it's the right guy wrong time. In this case, it's the wrong time and wrong place. If it's meant to be, I believe fate will bring him back in your orbit.
Ur right That’s why I put a hold on it Maybe he’s a good guy but time will tell He has to get set up here first and prove it Not just act in love and text all day Dating pool here is terrible which is why I usually date out of state Also at our age no one’s gonna be perfect and that’s ok I’m not perfect I think that’s part of my thing is if the worst he does is this idk It’s really annoying but better than having a wife he’s hiding or cheating or having an addiction
Update I told him Im worried I can’t offer the type of relationship I feel he wants as I can’t reply to texts etc every hour He seemed ok but today his ig stories are about how if people ignore you do yourself a favor and never speak to them again I feel I’ve dodged a bullet All along I felt this would get obsessive and petty quickly
The general theme I see is you’re conflicted about being with him. The attention can be nice but the commitment may be more than you’re ready for at the moment.
FFS... tell him you are seeing other people. Thats terrible. Clearly he is limerent for you, have a heart. Be his GF or break it.
After less than a month lol It’s not on me it’s assumed people are seeing other people: He didn’t bring it up why should I I told him I wanted to move slowly until he actually moved here
I mean, I don't see any red flags personally. A lot of women would love that kind of attention. This is what I would do: 1) Set clear boundaries. "Hey, I'm so glad you're excited to come out here, but please make some connections with others. I feel pressure being the only one." Or "I love texting, but Im usually busy during the day." Maybe throw in a: "I am really interested in seeing where this goes, but a typical get to know you phase is 6 months to a year, so we don't need to rush things". 2) Make sure you aren't too open with your personal life early on. Don't give him the comforts of your life early on. Keep your favorite places to yourself. Don't let him feel too comfortable at your place, and don't help him get settled in. Don't help him by giving your connections, etc. That way, if it doesn't work out, you're free and clear. 3) Enjoy your time and don't feel pressured. Make sure he is putting in the work to deserve your attention.
Good on you for thinking independently!! Huge red flag for me personally to be that needy but I agree some women would be dripping for a phone call every hour
My ex situationship loved it, she went from barely responding, to us texting 24/7 almost non stop… she was constantly sending me couples related stuff, but some outsiders get in the way. 🤷♂️
I agree with the poster who spoke about co-dependency. It sounds like he hasn't processed any of the grief of the five year relationship ending, and is just looking for someone to fill that space in his life. He's communicating like your deep in a long term relationship because in his head you are (he's simply moved you into that role emotionally, to replace his ex). It's no wonder it doesn't feel quite right, because you can feel you're being used. Tell him how uncomfortable it's making you. Be kind. Side note, as someone who has OCD - assuming he'll become stalkerish because of the disorder is a complete misreading of the disorder. Yes - the "O" stands for obsessive, but that is usually with regards to a theme (EG - Religion, Contamination, Harm). I am yet to hear someone whose obsessions focus on a person. In fact, OCD is a verys \*self\* doubting, \*inward\* focussing disease, "Am \*I\* evil? Could \*I\* have killed someone and not remember? Did \*I\* leave the oven on and will \*I\* burn my house down as a result? Have \*I\* cleaned my hands enough after touching that door handle - nope, better clean them again" etc. The person is wracked with self-doubt. He probably feels really insecure in the early stages of the realtionship, "Am I gonna fuck this up? Am I too much?" so he might be compulsively texting you as a form of reassurance, because the small dopamine hit he gets when you respond alleviates his anxiety. So it could be related to his OCD too. Not saying any of this behaviour is healthy and should be put up with on your end. But you wont know unless you talk to him.
Re the OCD: I've dealt with my share of it. I had to overcome it. I think all successful people have a bit of it. I was an athlete at a high level for a long time. My mom has OCD so it's ruined our relationship b/c she picks on me. I did question if it was some of that coming out. but I agree on the internalization. It's prob a little what I'm doing here also myself. "I dont want to be the bad guy" "am I reading it wrong" where it comes in to play with him is I think it will end up with him sort of OCD ing over my whereabouts. Things like when I say I'm done at 5:40 and he texts me at that time... it tells me he's watching and paying close attention to my schedule. I feel like I'd end up having to account for being late or other scenarios down teh line "you said you were done at 5:40" type stuff. I also dont want to account of my whereabouts to people right now esp this early. There are other things: Like him messaging me as soon as I make a post on FB.. it tells me hes watching me online and I've begun to feel like I cant have an online presence without communication with him as if he expects me to communicate with him when I'm online. I do think hes looking for validation. Every day he brings up moving out here, and it's still 6 weeks away. he tries to talk about feelings for me but it's too soon for me. I think hes looking for validation every time he brings those things up.
Firstly, I'm really sorry your mum picked on you. That's horrible. But hearing more details about him, like how closely he's observing you - I'd say this is a major red flag for co-dependancy and proceed with caution! Be really clear that this behaviour isn't okay - set boundaries and if he crosses them, then you have your answer!
If you’re calling him a stalker u don’t like him you just like the attention. Leave him alone
I didn’t call him a stalker . I said his behavior seems as though it might become stalkerish. I also said he’s not stalked any friends or done anything other than text too much. I clearly said it bothered me (hence I don’t like the attention) I also said I actually did like him when we spent time together The entire point of the post is that he’s giving me too much attention and it bothers me lol
It bothers you because you don’t like him. I’m sure if Brad Pitt or (insert other hot man of your choice) acted the same you wouldn’t use those choice of words. Again. Leave him alone.
Actually you seem to have a problem reading I do like him If Brad Pit texted me in the manner this man does I wouldn’t like him either bc it’s needy and annoying behavior I’ve had customers and even “friends” act this way or try to msg too much and it’s always annoying I can still have enjoyed my time with him and find his texting behavior annoying and off putting
TBF I just skimmed your post it was too long. Maybe I missed some parts.