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I would phrase an honest text telling him you're feeling anxious and asking him for clarity on how he's feeling. See how he responds and take it from there, otherwise you'll just go crazy in your own head

Ladies, what do you think about an extremely extroverted person who is also extremely introverted and focus is a massive amount of their time on spiritual practices? I used to live as a Buddhist monk off the grid. Before that I was kind of a party animal. Those 2 parts of me have come into balance in my late 30s. I work in a major city, and spend the afternoon and evening there with friends seeing live music, hanging out, being gregarious etc. Basically any other time outside of that I live in a cabin on a nature sanctuary about 45 minutes outside of the city. When I'm there I almost exclusively practice meditation, play my instrument, do calligraphy, and Japanese formal flower arranging. Lots of yoga and tai chi too. Although I love hanging out with people, being in my cabin, being the best person I can possibly be through actively engaging in these spiritual pursuits, is a core part of my being. It's not a secret, but only close friends know I spend my time like this, since it's pretty outside the mainstream, and I'm not super into talking about it with random people I've never brought this stuff up with someone I was romantically interested in. Not sure what they would think. I need so much space to practice this stuff, but I'm totally down with sharing it, so it's not like I'm demanding a lot of alone time. That being said if a partner is not into it, I'm not gonna stop doing it, and will need my space. Which would eventually become a problem. Obviously every woman is different, and that's OK, I'm just curious about some peoples opinions!

Would you say you are an outgoing introvert or a shy extrovert? Basically -- do you recharge your energy by being around others or by yourself? I assume outgoing introvert.

There’s a guy I’ve been talking to for the last week. In this time, we’ve had about 5 long fun, easy nighttime phone calls and we text here and there during the day. We met once earlier in the week, after which he expressed a desire to kiss me, and then the next two days I noticed a waning. Which he explained (without my asking) by saying he had been in his head a lot - he broke up with his long term partner last year and im sure has some emotions surfacing. He expressed that he doesn’t know how ready he is for a relationship, but he doesn’t want to not explore this connection either. The conversation was good and vulnerable and we decided to take things slowly but forward. Today, we were supposed to meet again and when I asked for an update he told me he’s feeling heavy and therefore implying no meeting. It’s gotten emotionally exhausting in just a few days. I'm sad because I like him and he’s said he likes me and I see us being friends to lovers, but at the same time I know what I want is a relationship where someone wants to see me as much as I want to see them, and after today I’m starting to feel rejected. should I continue to explore this as a friendship/connection I enjoy and be honest and communicative, or should I draw some boundaries and go looking for someone who can meet me where I’m at? I also wonder if this is just a cue that he’s not into me and isn’t admitting it to himself. I’m tired. And sad.

I honestly wouldn't waste your time. The chances that this would smoothly become a friendship is very unlikely. Don't hurt yourself emotionally hoping that this will turn around

I think you should probably look elsewhere for that connection you want. He clearly doesn't seem to be in a position to provide that. You say it's gotten emotionally exhausting in just a few days, and you've only been talking for one week...? Not a great sign. Just imagine how it's going to be in another week or two. And the thing is, this is when resentment will start to build. Miscommunication. Delayed responses, etc. You don't want that. You're so early into this, that you don't even know each other, either. It will only get harder to move on the more you get to know him.

Youre so right. I shouldnt be crying within a week of knowing somebody 🤪 final message of moving on it is! 🙏🏻

If he isn’t ready and you are don’t waste your time. I would suggest: If he is struggling then wish him all the best on his journey but youre ready now and want to find someone who is on the same page.

Agreed. Thank you for the clarity i needed 🙏🏻

What's with latino women and the obsession to feed? I am not complaining at all, it's awesome in fact, but this is the third time it's happened where a Latin American woman has suggested she cook for me for a second date. No one else does it. Kinda curious

It's a cultural thing, they have been brought up in households with those traditions, you won't really get this with westernised women so thank your lucky stars for it

Am I overthinking or is this a bad sign? But what I'm wondering is, I've met someone who I feel like I had a fantastic connection with, it's easy with him and there's no guesswork, all very forward about being into each other even though we met just recently. Except communication over text died down quickly with no next date arranged. Granted he knows I have a lot coming up, but still. I don't mind minimal texting but not sure how I should interpret no date being lined up. Again we were very open and honest about our interest in each other. I was ghosted in my first ever LTR and I have a sensitivity towards this behaviour because of that. There have also been experiences with other people where they say they're interested but then breadcrumb or ghost me. I don't feel like it's breadcrumbing yet as it's too early but I guess I just don't know if the writing is on the wall here or not.

It's depending on what you mean, ghosting can be a two-way street. Did the last conversation just taper off, and neither of started a new one? Or have you reached out to him multiple times, and he has stopped responding? If it's the former, then you are partly responsible for the dip in communication.

Text them and say “would love to see you again! When are you available for our next date?”

I was the last person to message, he didn't ignore it but it was sort of conversation ending (not in a bad way) and it was super late at night.  I've had experiences where I reach out to someone and they give me the thumbs up but continue their weird behaviour anyway. Like feeling like a guy is slow fading so asking them out again, then they say yes, then continue the fade after the date. I'm just worried he is afraid to reject me and will lead me on if I do this? Is that crazy?

My dating experience and anxiety truly changed when I gave myself permission to say what I was waiting for someone else to say to me. Ie: if I wanted someone to text me to ask when I was free, I just did it myself. And yes perhaps you will find people who aren’t that into you and give a thumbs up but their actions are going to be pretty obviously not interested and you can remove yourself from their lives. In this case, it’s so damn early and over one text, you would save yourself so much anxiety to jsut text first. If he likes the message and makes no further effort, you have your answer

Yes it is. A conversation tapered off, and because you don't wanna feel vulnerable, you are not willing to suggest meeting up again because of past issues. Could absolutely be the same for him. At this age it's time to stop playing games and trying to guess each other's intentions. Just say you want to hang out again, if he doesn't respond positively, move on.

I am willing to reach out absolutely.  I'm seeking outside perspectives in case it is obvious to an outsider that he is not interested.   The reason I want outside perspective is, as I've already said, sometimes with dating when you get the feeling they're fading, and you keep reaching out, they will just go along with it anyway when ultimately they actually don't want to.    I very much haven't been playing games up until this point, I can't speak for him.

Ask to see them again or decide for yourself that you want to break it off. Anything besides these two decisions is leaving your dating in someone else’s hands who may or may not care. Take your own action and do what feels authentic. I personally would just go for the date setup. If he’s lukewarm you can go on the date to see if the in-person interest is there if not break it off after. if no date gets set up you have your answer

I’m going through something similar.. its all very new and in the last few days it’s felt like I’m more interested in meeting than he is, so I’m terrified of potential rejection and feeling my walls coming up. But at the same time, he is communicative and respectful, and in the short time I’ve known him I’ve found that communicating what I’m feeling and then having a phone call really help. Can’t really know if it’s a bad sign without knowing what’s up, and I get that it’s scary to re-text when the trauma of ghosting rears its head, but maybe best for you to know sooner than later how he responds to your anxieties. Hope this helps x

1200+ likes in 24 hours, but only 16 matches, and 6 of them have already expired. Why do people swipe if they’re not planning to chat? *Especially* after a super swipe. 🙃

What app? If you flip it around, maybe someone is sending 1200+ likes that result in 16 matches. Accuracy through volume. 🤷 Idk how people manage it being on either side of that deluge.

Not well, on my end.

Thank you!

Hopefully not a PSA for anyone on here, but If you unmatch me before the date, I’m not showing up

I'd tend to believe that this is a given.

Why? Explain....

Care to explain why you think someone you unmatch with prior to a first date should show up?

explained already, but I always get numbers and do contacting over that.

Actually you didn’t answer why you unmatch. Now I’m curious to the rationale.

If I have someones number then I unmatch, from my POV there's no real need to keep someone matched up, I like to have my inbox clean. I get some people like to keep their matches forever that's just not me

Unmatching before meeting in person is just unnecessary suspicious. I bet you get fewer flakes/cancelations if you just wait until after you’ve met in person.

From your POV and experiences you may find it suspicious doesn't mean every other woman will, from my experience it's not been a negative, if someone is going to flake/play games they're going to do that regardless whether you're matched or unmatched.

This comment is about first dates. If someone unmatches me on the app before the date, I have no way of contacting them, or them me. I can’t say if I’m running late or if I have to cancel. But really when people do this, it looks like they are planning to stand me up and don’t want to be connected. It’s not hard to leave someone matched with you on the app until after the date.

Oh sorry, I always exchange numbers before arranging a date, while not 100% foolproof it's way more secure than doing all arrangements and contact over the app

Oh I don’t give out my number until after we’ve met. The joys of stalked and harassed multiple times for declining a second date. Edit to add: also unmatching before the date leads people to wonder why. It unnecessarily erodes trust that you’re not trying to hide something. There is no trust established when meeting a stranger and everything you do that leads people to question why ends up being a mark against you. And because people have such limited information on you in the beginning, every single action is weighted more heavily.

Hey - recently getting back into the dating scene after a really rough breakup from a LTR last year and could use some advice. Alright so I have been talking to this girl for a little over a month now, and we've gone on a few dates. She's come over a couple times and we've hooked up and had sex. Now I definitely like her, not saying I want to marry her, but she's been making me happy and I want to keep talking to her and seeing her. She also took one of my hoodies and usually tells me when she's wearing it, she even said that she's sad that it doesn't smell like me anymore a couple days ago lol all good signs. But over the past week, I've noticed some waning interest. She's been responding less, and at this point hasn't responded in over a day. Now I hate being that guy and double texting because it comes off as needy and clingy. How would you approach the situation when you're noticing that she's becoming less interested? Now I get it, people lose interest all the time and that's fine just need to move on. But at the very least I don't want to get ghosted and want my hoodie back lol it's my favorite one. But I feel like if I ask for it then it's kinda game over ya know. Could use some advice, thanks.

Maybe she feels strongly towards you (talking about how she wishes your hoodie smelled like you again) and she hasn’t been receiving the reciprocation from you she wants? Just a thought.

Could be, but this is where the hot and cold comes in making me confused. Says stuff like that but then is seemingly less interested in the conversation and I’m the one having to hold it much more often

"Hey, that's my favorite hoodie. I'd like it back." Press send. It's neither needy or clingy. Of course, you might just be the latest victim of the world-renowned hoodie stealing Tuscaloosa Jane. She comes into your life, lures you in with sex, and then steals your favorite hoodie. It ends up on the Hoodie black market or sold off for parts. You're probably not getting it back.

Lmao the hoodie black market, I'm gaining access to it and buying it back. Thanks for the advice though

Sounds like it's better to wait a week or so before asking for the hoodie? I've had the slow fade, it totally sucks. But you never know, so just in case what's the harm in waiting a bit? I'm sure she'd give it back then if it is as you fear. Usually if it is a slow fade I always end up with an eventual rejection text a few days later, but I have sometimes been wrong and things were OK.

Yeah definitely best to wait, we have some tentative plans to hangout on Sunday but that seems very up in the air right now. Just doesn't really make sense, like very hot and cold lol she was just telling me a couple days ago how she likes me and I'm fun to talk to and the feeling is mutual. Getting back into the dating scene is fucking tough man

Why are the plans tentative? Which party is being wishy washy specifically with nailing them down? If it’s you…make a plan and tell her/ask her if she’s down. She might not want to come on too strong if you’re not taking initiative to set something up. I say this because I’m feeling this way with the guy I’ve been dating for about 2 months. I feel he’s not interested because our plans for tomorrow aren’t nailed down yet and I don’t wanna look like a nag if he’s trying to push me off.

It’s a bit complicated. She just moved into a new apartment and living on her own for the first time, and has her dog this week that she shares with her ex. So I said I’d love to come over and meet the dog and hangout, but she said she’s not really comfortable with having company yet in her new apartment cause she kinda hates it and says it’s depressing. Personally I don’t give a shit about what her apartment looks like and just wanna see her and meet the dog, but don’t want to pressure her into doing something she’s not comfortable with. And I’ve told her all this pretty much verbatim. So all that is why it’s tentative currently and not nailed down lol

Doesn’t sound all that complicated tbh as you told her you wanted to see her. That would literally be all I needed to hear. She needs to get over the apartment thing. I had a guy do that to me a few years ago and I was so frustrated. Clearly we didn’t work out. Maybe…just maybe…the fact she is feeling that way tho is causing her to just be in her head a bit and maybe spiral with some negative thoughts. I’m happy to hear you’re respecting her boundaries. I’d prob suggest maybe taking the dog to a nearby park for a picnic or something.

Tell her to bring back your hoodie on Sunday, talk it out and whatever happens take it from there, but get your hoodie back first

Yeah makes sense, thank you

If you’ve just broken up with someone long term, is it healthier to focus on yourself, get into hobbies etc or jump into looking for dates since it’s so sad that no one loves you anymore! Who has done either and which do you find more satisfying?

Go to therapy and work on being alone and thrive in your hobbies. Do all three and live a full life that someone can join in on. If youre sad why would anyone want to date you?

Both suck. Diving into hobbies trying to force yourself to not be sad about being alone is a common solution, but it doesn't do anything to resolve the "I'm alone" portion of this issue. Diving into dating trying to find someone so you don't have to be alone, is another common solution, but it doesn't do anything to resolve the "I'm sad" portion of this issue. Do both. Take the time to grieve the relationship. Do some things for yourself and remember that you don't need a partner to have a fulfilling life. Get back out there because there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner and arbitrary timetables or levels of "readiness" are kinda meaningless. What's been best for me is leaning on my friends with the best "yes-and", "that bitch!", and "have you met Ted?" energy. Having some people in your corner to gas you up is a wonderful cure for many ailments.

I’m very firmly in the work on yourself camp. Recently went on a few dates with a guy who may have had a breakup several months ago (he didn’t specify, but did say he moved here because of it and other things). Dude is *definitely not* ready for a relationship but has convinced himself he is. If he had been otherwise healthy, it could have probably worked between us. But he wasn’t, and he blew a good thing (because I think I’m a catch 🤷🏼‍♀️). All that to say if you rush into something, you could meet someone wonderful and then realize you’re just not ready. And they may wait, or not. And that’s not fair to either party. Also, depending on how long your relationship was, you might need to get reacquainted with who you are as a single person.

When i broke up with my long term BF back last year, I had a few hookups/casual meet-ups which did help. I had fun and it did take my mind off of things. However, I found it was only temporary. I think I jumped into it too soon, so i took a step back. I did things with friends instead. Took some time to get back into some hobbies I neglected, enjoyed my own company, etc. The hookups were fun, and they filled a need (I have a high sex drive!) but I think it's really important to take some time for yourself. Grieve if you need to, and take your time. Sorry about the breakup and good luck❤️

If you can logistically get a few dates or a rebound, as honestly as you can, I think it can somehow be helpful in some situations. I actually found going on some dates, even though it was still "too early" allowed me to start imagining other futures for myself. Otherwise I could only imagine the futures that had been lost, again and again.  I tried to be careful not to hurt anyone, maybe I used folks a little bit if I'm honest. But I found it pretty helpful to see what it would be like dating and it really opened my perspective a lot, even just going on some first dates. Of course, you still have to do the other stuff. But I don't think it's all or nothing. It sounds beautiful to just sit like a monk for a year and process your emotions, but I ended up needing to do some combination of everything.

One is a recovery that helps you process your emotions, and the other is a mask to cover up your emotions. Which one sounds healthier?

Be real, both can be masks, both can have real benefit. A new connection can help you see what was missing with the old one, helping you realize you deserve better and enabling you to move on more easily. A hobby deep dive can be burying yourself in meaningless busywork so you don't actually have to think about anything.

I met a guy 6 weeks ago, but it wasn't a good time or situation for either of us to make a move. Now I'm waiting until the time is right. Then I'll find him again. I don't know if he's single. He just gave me a really awesome feeling and I felt like we had common ground and similar values. He acted like he felt the same thing and liked me too, but I could have been wrong or reading too much into things. Anyway. Just . . . getting through that waiting process. And I have no time for a social life right now so I'm not meeting other guys to put this in perspective. I just have this one crush.

I'm back in this community after yet another heartbreak. After 21 months, my (33f) ex (40m) said he >never< wants to leave the house he bought 3 years ago when he was still with his ex-wife. Renting out was not an option for him. It's not the town where he grew up. I tried living there for about 8 months, it's a small town. I work in a bigger city where I previously lived, about 1,5 hours away. So I kept a small room in this city because commuting is hell and stayed there 3-5 nights a week. Working remotely was rarely possible as my job contains a lot of networking. The small town has no suitable work opportunities. I asked him beforehand if he would be open to moving if I noticed it's too small and too far, he agreed. And it was. My mental and physical health went to shit. I felt as if I had no home and was always on the move. It was terrible. Turns out he lied or expected too much of himself that in the end he couldn't follow through with. After some months of him taking the time to really think it through he doubled down on the decision. I'm really disappointed, angry and frustrated. I really loved this guy and was looking forward to a building a life together that both of of enjoy. It's hard to notice there was no compromise possible and leaving while you really don't want to.

Reason # 2684 As to why I'll never cohabitate. I moved to BFE for a reason. Almost nothing would ever get me to move, and I'm too far away from a major city for the women I date To be comfortable.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a position myself where I live a bit in the sticks away from the city and while it is peaceful and quiet, driving an hour a day just to be within society kinda sucks. But I have the best mortgage I'll ever have in my life so I feel stuck here. I am trapped by financial responsibility. I thought it was supposed to be financial freedom?

It was worth the try I think. Some things need to be experienced to actually know if they fit in your life. I would have wished the same from my ex but at least I know I did everything I could.

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Thank you for your nice words. It's really disappointing, especially the part where I feel blindsided because I did ask these important questions beforehand. It just sucks being lied to.

Just been feeling kinda frustrated with the dating scene in my area cause every time I find a woman I'm interested in they always have a significant other and it really frustrates me when this happens and then I get depressed about it. What can I do about this?

Went on 3 dates with a woman in the past week and I've come to like her a lot. By far the most interesting person I've dated in the past few months. On the last date I was too shy to ask for a kiss, instead just grinning and staring like an idiot, partly because I didn't want to misread the situation. Messaged her later and she said I should have just asked 😅 Disappointingly for me, she's now away for 3 weeks on a vacation. We agreed to another date afterwards. For me that feels like a long time to wait, especially this early into dating someone. My anxious attachment certainly doesn't help. I asked for a bit of reassurance, which she tried to give in a realistic way (given the stage we're at), but it didn't really settle my anxieties. However that's my problem to deal with. I'm split waiting just for her, but then I feel like I'm investing too much into one person too early. Or protecting myself by trying to keep matching and dating other people.

Oo that's a good sign re: kiss! Did you guys agree to keep in touch while she's away? My boyfriend (1 year next month :) went away for 10 days after our third date but we both agreed we wanted to keep in touch as we felt a strong connection. It was very cute he sent me a video tour of his City and cute food pics and I sent him voice notes and little vids back and forth. We have a video call half way through too. I was lucky he was very intentional and honestly by the time he can back we both felt way closer. Obviously this may not work for all, but it does help if you know the general plan of contact that you are both happy with for the 3 weeks. Keep us posted! Edit: spelling

Thanks for sharing your story, happy to hear it worked out! She's doing a doing summer job thing with kids for a few weeks, so it's work as much as a vacation for her. We've been messaging each day, but we've not talked about expectations of communication. Given I am the anxious one, I'm probably the one thinking about it more than her, plus she's going to be occupied with stuff. I did just send her a message asking if she is happy to stay in touch and that I have no expectations given she will be busy. Good idea to be clear about it 🙂

Thank you! Oh Yay good for you for communicating that's awesome. Hope it all goes well and you get that kiss on her return :)

Thank you 😊

What are some subtle signs on money compatibility/expectations? How to do my dating scene better in aspect of financial understanding especially over 30s?

This is hard. Without knowing my actual financial situation, most people would think that I'm a frivolous spender. But I'd look at things like what percentage they tip, if they complain about needing a new dinglehopper that's relatively inexpensive but won't buy one. Small things like that.

My last relationship ended in heartbreak, which is the second time that’s happened. Both situations were very different, but were both very painful. Here’s what I struggle with, my most recent relationship, we fell in love with each other almost immediately. By the first date I knew she was different, and a month in I told her I was in love with her, and could have easily said it sooner. It didn’t work for reasons outside of our control. But now I feel as though that experience has set an unrealistic bar. I find myself not wanting to build love with somebody, but just fall in love with them almost immediately again. It’s happened before so I know it exists. But it seems highly improbable that it could happen again. But honestly I think I’d rather die alone than settle for less than absolute infatuation as I’ve already experienced once before.

Man don't I know this struggle. I've never had anything but instant infatuation. Never. Started two significant relationships that way, as well as every fling I ever had. Be it from IRL encounters or apps, the attraction has been instant or nonexistant for me. To make you feel better, it has happened to me several times between 19-37 years old, and I believe it can keep on happening. But on the other hand, the likelyhood of these instant attractions turning into meaningful long term relationships seems to be getting lower every year. Perhaps both me and my fellow emotional deepdivers are single for a reason.. But also just the general ethos of looking for your perfect partner instead of building a perfect relationship with someone slightly imperfect makes it so that people are (rightfull, mostly) less likely to stick around trying to fit a square peg into a round hole once the limerence wears off.

I had to stop going to my favorite bar. For some reason I am a magnet for “nice guys finish last” types, and this type always becomes extremely nasty the moment I gently tell them I only want friendship. The last time I went in was about a month ago. I hadn’t been in for 6 months, because I was so afraid that if I continued coming in with the same frequency, eventually he’s going to awkwardly ask me for my number. When I was in the last time, he really fucking annoyed me. He cannot take a hint. So, my favorite bar is off-limits until further notice. Sucks. I love the vibe and the food etc. but I’m too old to be having friend-zone talks with needy men.

Tell the bouncer or bartender that someone is harrassing you? If the guy can’t read social cues, then you no longer need to hint. Don’t let politeness be the enemy of directness.

I’m just going to call you up the next time I go, and let you be my personal body-guard/wingman. I will pay you in drinks and gratitude.

Seconding telling the bartender. I made friends with all the bartenders at my favorite bar, and they knew me well enough to know when I was signaling for help. The one, who’s a big guy, walked right up to someone who wouldn’t leave alone and said, “You're gonna pay your tab and leave now.”

I decided to give Mr. Texts Too Much a chance and decided on a brief impromptu date. During which he revealed to me that he’s been single for a long time because he hasn’t had any luck on the apps. He says he doesn’t even match with women. I was shocked because he’s successful, attractive, etc. and I said as much. Now this is where I become the villain of this story.  After chatting this man up and parting ways, I began to think to myself, “I’m not sure this is it.”  I just feel like maybe we don’t want the same things? I’m not sure if I’m reading into this, but it felt a bit like he wants to be what I want rather than he wants the same things I do. Which could be because of the whole not matching with women thing. OR I could just be overthinking things. Idk.

Sounds like you were interested when you thought he was a “catch” or had lots of other options. Come to find out he doesn’t and so he loses some of his appeal?

>I was shocked because he’s successful, attractive, etc. and I said as much. To be blunt, women have this fantasy view that "the bar is on the ground" and that guys who pass a bare minimum will succeed in dating. Y'all couldn't be any more wrong, lol. There are so many men who are single because getting dates feels impossible as a man.

Exactly. All you have to be is well groomed, considerate, etc. Oh, and one small detail: cute. And potentially tall, too. There goes 90% of men. 

If you're uncertain, you can always go on another date. Going on another date isn't a commitment to anything, it's just a date. >I was shocked because he’s successful, attractive, etc. and I said as much. Btw that is a common experience for men on apps

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Being honest about not having dated in a while isn't necessarily self sabotage. It of course depends on the tone with which he shared that.

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I mean half the first I've been on are more like job interviews. "Please explain this gap in your romantic relationships" has been the vibe more than once.

I watched the debate with The Diplomat tonight and he not only kept my blood pressure down, but he was also remarkably tolerant of me screaming constitutional law principles and well-established statutory interpretations at the TV. On a lighter note, he is having a dinner party on Saturday, at which I’ll be meeting some of his friends / colleagues / their spouses with whom I have not yet had an opportunity to become acquainted. It feels really, really great that he is so enthusiastic about introducing me to the people in his life 🥰

Love this for you!

Sounds like a nice chill evening in the Lux household.

My blood pressure is back up in the stratosphere pursuant to all the analysis and I occasionally need to breathe into a paper bag.

Went on my blind date that a matchmaker set me up on. I’m not the vip client, just in the pool of potential matches for their clients. I had a fine time. He wasn’t bad looking, but also didn’t put much effort into his appearance which was disappointing because I looked great tonight. Didn’t look like he brushed his hair, had some unkempt sideburn going on, and had an eye booger in the corner of his eye. The convo flowed fine. He’s interesting and well traveled. Polite with a nice smile. Shorter than me, which isn’t a big deal. But my deal breaker… he doesn’t have a car. And in a big city that’s a no for me. I hate driving and don’t want to be obligated to always drive. I have dated someone without a car before and I either felt bad if I made them Uber or take public transit, or I resented them bc I always had to drive. I will go on at least one more date because he was easy to talk to and interesting, but there were no sparks, and I really don’t know if I can get past the no car thing. Definitely disappointed though. I’m just striking out left and right. And no matches on hinge… the people trying to match with me I am not interested in, but anyone I try to match with doesn’t match back. God if I end up alone I’d rather die. Life isn’t worth living alone.

>But my deal breaker… he doesn’t have a car. And in a big city that’s a no for me. I hate driving and don’t want to be obligated to always drive. I have dated someone without a car before and I either felt bad if I made them Uber or take public transit, or I resented them bc I always had to drive. If it's like Houston or LA, then maybe I can get it. But you're jumping to conclusions that he'll make you be his chauffeur, and feeling bad for making them Uber or take transit is silly (he's doing it of his choice, you aren't making him). I know a guy who's lived without a car for like 8 years and never asks for rides, is the most punctual dude I've ever met, and who has saved so much money and headache from not having a car. In the end, only you know what's best for you. But like I said, unless you live in a massive sprawl, this is a Privilege Problem if the guy checks the other boxes and doesn't ask for rides.

I mean he is not house bound, he is able to move around at the moment without you driving him so I think you are jumping into conclusions a bit based on your previous experience. You say life isn't worth living alone and you'd rather die, but then a man taking an Uber is an absolute deal breaker for you, just doesn't quite make sense reading from the outside.

Because I have dated someone without a car before in a big city and hated it. I’m a giver, so I know I’d end up driving everywhere and not making him Uber or Lyft. And yes would rather die than end up alone but also not gonna settle

It's just strange that you would consider a trivial thing like that settling. The man can uber or take public transport (but you won't let him, so it's not even him placing the demand), or maybe he temporarily doesn't have a car because he doesn't need it but would happily drive in the future, or maybe he will never drive again and you would be the main driver in the house if the relationship progressed - but he could pull his weight in other ways (like, being the main cook or whatever). Obviously you have your own priorities and it's your life so you can do whatever you want, but I'm just amazed that somebody else's chosen mode of transport, which to me is SO irrelevant to relationship quality and success, is a hill for you to die on (literally rather die than be in a relationship with someone who you would give a lift to every now and again). I see people on here daily say "I know my worth" and "I will never settle" and then it's about like if they replied to a text within 30 mins or not. To me these big deal breakers are on big things like values and whether they treat me with love and kindness and respect, and I was absolutely happy single as well. Best of luck to you, hopefully you find what you're looking for.

oh no this is my nightmare. i live in a city where it’s imperative to have a car, and no car would be a dealbreaker

Do you at least see their profile/pictures and know your goals align before meeting them or is it totally blind?

Don’t get a picture, the match maker knows your nonegotiables (mine is progressive social values and doesn’t want kids as my deal breakers, but gonna add has a car too now lol).

Ugh, what a bummer! I hope they reach back out with a more compatible prospect!

In need of some advice (or a hard truth). My girlfriend and I are long distance (2.5 hour flight, \~12 hour drive). We became closer friends after she moved from where I currently live and eventually acknowledged we had feelings for each other at the beginning of this year. We saw each other in February and verified that something was indeed there and became official during my visit to see her a month ago. Before she moved, she lived with her sister who lives about 5 minutes away from me. In a month from now, my girlfriend is coming to town. She already had this trip planned before we began our relationship. She will be here for about a week before her, her mom, her sister, and her sister’s husband all fly to a retreat for the weekend. Tonight she let me know that when she gets here, she is planning to spend a day or so with her sister and then she will come and spend a day and a half with me. Then she and her sister will drive up to her mom’s (about 2.5 hour drive away) to spend a few days there before driving back down here to catch the flight to the retreat.  I am feeling a bit hurt and disappointed that she is only planning to spend a day and a half with me. We will not have seen each other in 2 months and we do not yet have any set plans to see each other again after this. Also, her sister is going to visit her next week and will be there for almost a week. Now, I don’t feel comfortable asking her to “choose” between spending time with me and spending time with her sister. But, considering that she will have just spent a considerable amount of time with her sister and will spend more time with her while with their mom and on the retreat, I do feel like I’m being shafted in a way in this situation. I guess I just want her to want to spend more time with me.  Am I tripping? I know I have a right to feel upset and disappointed, but is this something I need to verbalize to her? Or should I just process this on my own and be glad that I get to see and spend time with the person I’m in a relationship with? I struggle hard with anxiety and overthinking and I’m trying to learn when I need to self-soothe and when I need to actually express my thoughts. 

I can understand you're disappointed but it's not the same spending time one on one than with the rest of the family around so if she wants to spend quality time with her sister that might be the best option for her. I don't know if her family knows about you and how serious it's supposed to be, so she might have trouble to justify spending more time with you while this was supposed to be a family trip.

Thanks. That's a good point that she may want one-on-one time with her sister. Her sister does know about me and the nature of our relationship, but her mom does not. We're a queer couple, so there's some complexities that come into play for both of us and our families. Your comment did help me to realize that I am disappointed about the short time we'll get to spend together, but I do understand it. I'm likely more hurt that she didn't explicitly express that same disappointment.

Heard of another engagement at church tonight . Wouldn’t hurt if I could at least land a couple decent consecutive dates. What makes it worse is I did ask the guy to a date 2 years ago. I’ve done dating apps. I go to as many social events as I can. I’ve been friendly at church or whatever else. It’s just sad. Everyday I hear people talk about their significant other. Everyday I see couples and families when I’m out rather that be church or store or restaurant or seeing friends or whatever. I know some people who didn’t find their spouse until close to 40. I know someone who’s 43 and still single. I’m 6 months from 31 and have never had a relationship last longer than like 3 weeks. If I can even call it that. One at 25 the other at 27. I so want to be a wife and hopefully mom someday. But with my abysmal dating life … i just feel unwanted and pathetic.

[удалено]

Some do. I just don’t want to come across as pathetic I guess? But I do plan to reach out to some of my slightly older married friends and ask for prayer/support in that regard. I’d been saying I’ll shoot the message for about a month now. Need to stop procrastinating. I should also start frequenting other churches. See if there are eligible men there. Problem too is there aren’t as many practicing Christian men as there are women.

Just weird random shower thoughts: I don't like washing dishes at all, even if I have to put them in dishwasher. At the same time, I usually find myself happily wash all dishes and cooking utensils for my friend's mom when she makes food for the house. I deeply care for her and appreciate everything she's done for me. It brings me joy to lighten her load after she's cooked a delicious meal. This stands in stark contrast to my dynamic with my boyfriend. When he does something kind for me, even if it's something he doesn't necessarily enjoy (like sharing lemon pie with me when he prefers pumpkin one), I instinctively tell him to stop because I don't want to inconvenience him. He always brushes it off with a smile, saying he enjoys seeing me happy, and that there's no need for me to worry. For a while, I naively believed this was a form of compromise. However, I've come to realize that in genuine love and care, there's no element of compromise involved. It's more like a shared journey where happiness and well-being are intertwined. Next time, he's saying that, I'll give him a peck kiss for sure 😘😘😘

I disagree with you, I think in genuine love there is/could be a fair bit of compromise. It's not because you love someone that suddenly everything is rosy and stuff you hated doing you'll happily do and it will fill your heart with happiness because you did something for your SO.

Thinking of dating again after a bit of time single, I've been surreptitiously asking friends to take photos I intend to use for an app profile. I suppose I'm a little excited?

Hahaha when I started thinking about hopping back in the dating apps after a years-long (deliberate) stint of being single, I just straight up asked my friends to take photos of me when we were out and about *for* my imminent dating profile 😂 They're great friends though, and all were super happy to take all of the "plandid" photos and offer support as I threw myself back into it

35M, a year and a half out of divorce and feel like I want to try dating finally. Having trouble getting past the "holy shit, it's been 18 years since I've done this last and that was college" fear... Really would rather avoid OLD and make connections at my hobby groups, but can't get past the "I like this sport community and don't want to make anyone uncomfortable" worries. Plus, I feel like I have no idea how to give off anything but platonic vibes. Am I just way overthinking this? Any tips for someone dating as a grown-ass adult for the first time?

Maybe ask your friends/family if they know single women they could introduce you to. Else if you hit on someone at your hobby, (but I don't think it's necessary as you seem already conscious of it) : - if they reject you, accept it gracefully and move on - don't hit every single women there if you don't want to be "that guy" - try to get to know them and have a feeling if they are interested before asking them out If you're really worried about burning yourself in that hobby if you ask out women there, maybe try to do something new where if it doesn't work out and don't want to go back there you still have your original hobby as a fallback. Also don't start a new hobby/sport just to meet women, try to find something that you would enjoy and would potentially help you meet women.

Yeah. I sort of get your concern about not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable. I've been betting massively on trying to connect in real life, and it's kind of challenging to express interest when you know you are likely to see the person again. On the other hand, if you don't, nothing will ever happen...

I said no to the “commitment issues” guy today. A few things surprised me: he said he was very nervous about my decision when he picked up the phone, I thought he didn’t care at all. Also I offered being friends and he said he couldn’t handle hearing about my dates just yet. I feel the same so we’ll try being friends maybe later. We’ll see each other tomorrow last time to give back our stuff. I’m sad but a little relieved. Just before giving him a call I was in a therapy session and I heard myself say “when I was with him I didn’t feel good about myself” during the last minutes which solidified my decision. I’m sometimes crying but I’ll be okay. I told him “I wish you meet someone who excites you enough that when your relationship moves forward with them or gets more serious you feel something other than fear”. I said it’s clear that I’m not that person. He said “I don’t agree but I can’t back it up”. I hope I can meet someone who feels that way about me. Otherwise I’ll learn to be single and try to do the things that make me happy. It’s hard but I’m learning to prioritize my needs.

[I'll just leave this here...](https://imgur.com/a/IJ5ZZzg)

Exactly how I feel, saved this as a reminder for the future. I need to read more of wherever this is coming from, so Love It Forward is in my TBR now :) Thank you!

I honestly never read it... My mom of all people sent that to me last year when I was reeling from my ex-fiancee ending things over text.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. This must’ve helped with the recovery, when it’s still new it’s hard to see that creating space for a potential fully-engaged partner is better than expecting to get what you need from a specific person who just can’t.

It's alright. Life has a funny way of seeing exactly how we are stuck, and forcing us to move. Usually, when that happens, especially when we are stuck because of our own idea of who we are or what life should be like, the amount of force required to "un-stuck" us is quite jarring. Tragedies in our lives are massive opportunities for growth, for feeling deep human things, and learning to accept a great many things in life. I'm good these days, and quite frankly, never been happier. I have a busy life. I have amazing kids. I have wonderful friends who continually push me to be better, to do things I've never done before. Life continues to provide challenges, to create stress, and other unpleasant feelings, but really, there is joy in feeling these very real and human things that we all feel as human beings. It binds us all together and we all forget that: we aren't alone in our suffering. At any given moment, we share the exact feeling that makes us suffer with a great many people who feel exactly as we do (for a great many different reasons). We forget that, and we forget to open our hearts to people we encounter because of the things we feel. >"When we protect ourselves so we won't feel pain, that protection becomes like armor, like armor that imprisons the softness of the heart." A quote from a favorite book of mine.

Glad to see you back on the daily thread and happy you are doing well! I find life has a way to figure itself out. I wanted to say I appreciate your perceptive.

It's probably best to give it some time before you decide one way or another to be friends. Once the feelings settle on both sides. Also- hey fellow Vancouver female dater! It's terrible out there!

Hello! It really is terrible, I was able to find one guy who I thought was compatible with me but he turned out to be like this lol. Hope you had better experiences than mine so far!

That had to be hard, but I'm proud of you for putting yourself first here.

Thank you so much ❤️

Enjoying the honeymoon stage 🥰 He stayed over last night even though we could only chill for a couple hours together. He just got back from a trip and we both were excited to see each other. Had some great conversations, beer he brought back specifically for me, and *ahem* other activities.  It feels so so great to be with someone who shows this kind of motivation, interest, and attraction. It’s been 3 months and planning to introduce him to friends soon and have our first day trip. Enjoying every minute of it 😁

He told me he likes when he’s about to fall asleep and I ask him a question because it means he gets to talk to me more. I like him so much, it sometimes scares me to think about this not working out.

This is very cute. It’s annoying that past experiences make us afraid like this but you should let yourself enjoy it, remember that you deserve it and keep filling your day with other stuff that make you happy too :)

I noticed someone at the same company as me using the Pepe frog as their profile pic. That screams red flag to me, but other online opinions on the same thing seem to say it’s fine to do that (???). What do y’all think? Would you ever make Pepe your profile pic for teams meetings? Is that not insane? Sorry, this isn’t related to anyone I’m dating, but was shocked and dismayed to see Pepe on my work Teams, lol.

I completely agree that it’s insane. It is no secret what Pepe symbolizes - truly, anyone who is using / promoting it knows exactly what they are doing and cannot claim ignorance of what it represents. Look, I know that people will have different values and political opinions from me, and that’s… well, it is what it is. But the issue here isn’t having different opinions - the issue is that it is intentionally and knowingly provocative to use an inflammatory symbol. That it is in a work setting makes it even worse and really demonstrates poor judgement.

Aaaaand I had to google, what Pepe represents. For everyone else being ignorant of the topic: "Pepe the Frog is a humanoid frog cartoon character who became a popular internet meme in the early 2000s, and was notoriously appropriated by white supremacists during the 2016 US presidential election. [...] This unassuming cartoon frog became so established as a racist symbol that the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) labeled Pepe the Frog as a hate symbol in September 2016.  " 

Oh no no no. That is not ok in the workplace. I'm guessing some very conservative workplaces would be ok with it, but it would still send a bad message that other people would have to deal with.

We are all playing this stupid game, we all hate it, but keep doing it so we can one day stop playing. Im37andthisisdeep

I stopped playing. It's so refreshing not to play. Honestly, the guys I met are the reason I stopped playing. They made me not want to play anymore.

I feel like I have to start asking about religion up front.. which is sooooooo annoying because I only have zero options since I’m an old woman, now I’ll have negative one options. Sorry if this sounds bad but I’m tired of developing feelings, and then finding out he’s Atheist. It’s not my place to judge, but I’m within my rights to say that isn’t what I’m looking for in a partner. I know religion isn’t popular but please just let me vent. Thanks.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking about religion up front. It can be very important to people, so it makes sense that it would be a compatibility issue. I wouldn't be bothered at all if a woman asked me about my religious beliefs

for another perspective that hasn't been offered here: you should be disclosing this dealbreaker as to respect the other person's time and feelings, not just your own.

(assuming you are online dating) is it not on your profile in some form? A small but not insignificant portion of profiles I come across mention their beliefs in some form. Such as "looking for a man who also has a good relationship with God" or "Christian and looking for the same" or "Jesus first" I'm an atheist and I gotta say it's helpful because I swipe left on people I otherwise would swipe right on because while I respect their beliefs, I know we're incompatible.

This is correct. Religion or none should be in your profile.

You should ask about it up front. My friend does this because it’s super important to her and it’s an absolute dealbreaker if they don’t feel the same. You’re not the only one!

I bring up my religion (and how I relate to it) on dates naturally because it’s part of who I am.

It doesn’t sound bad, it’s just hurting yourself when you don’t disclose dealbreakers up front. You should absolutely be asking about religion right away.

Agreed! I have similar “handicaps” in that I don’t want kids, and most people do. But I make that clear up front.

TL;DR - I started casually hanging out with someone I went on a few dates with and developed feelings over time. He admitted he likes me but has attachment issues and fears hurting me, so we're staying friends. I'm feeling confused and worried about getting hurt if he moves on. I went on a few dates with "Mark" back in February and then it fizzled out after date 3 (he pulled back and I was okay with that)... we did kiss after dates 2 and 3 but that is it. Fast forward a few weeks... I reached out to him as a friend asking to play Tennis, we had a great time but it was all very platonic. We started hanging out after that at least once a week or so (playing tennis, sitting at the park, beach, etc...) and I found myself developing feelings nothing physical happened during these dates but we were having deep conversations and feeling closer. Now it's June and we had spent an entire weekend together, I met his friends and it felt like there was definitely something more. I brought it up yesterday with him asking if he was also feeling the same and he did agree that he was BUT he was been hesitant to pursue anything more because he has an avoidant attachment style and from his past patterns he will most likely pull away and will eventually hurt me. We agreed that we should just be strictly friends but this really upset me. It seems like a cop-out and maybe he just doesn't like me enough to even try. How do I navigate this situation? I still want to be friends but I know I will be heartbroken if he ends up meeting someone... what to do?

This is where I am not a big fan of attachment theory. It is all fluid. And its not a permanent feature of your psyche. You work through it. It is part of a healthy relationship to work through it. Why is everyone using it as a scapegoat? Sorry this is happening to you.

Not only is it all fluid, it has been utterly bastardized by the dating advice industrial complex. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and childhood development experts have all been making the point repeatedly that attachment styles (not to be confused with clinically diagnosed attachment disorders) are not in the DSM, and that “attachment theory” (emphasis on theory) has been distorted beyond recognition from the original purpose for which it was developed (understanding early social development and the formation of children's close relationships) by “dating coaches” and armchair psychologists. One clinical researcher outlined his criticism beautifully in *Psychology Bulletin* : “Attachment is a far less popular explanation in 2019 than it was in the 1960s, and in 10 to 15 years, **it's going to be rare to find anyone defending the theory**. It's just dying out slowly...Yes, what happens to you in the first year or two of life has an effect, but it's tiny. If I take a 1-year-old child who is securely attached, and the parents die and the child is adopted by a cruel foster parent, that child is in trouble. Their secure attachment is useless.” And yet! Isnt it weird that people without any training in psychiatry or cognitive neurology think they are qualified to armchair diagnose an attachment disorder! They’re not vascular surgeons, either, and yet they’re always super quiet when someone is like, “I’m dizzy! Do you think I have some kind of plaque blocking the blood flow to my brain through my basilar artery?!”

They use it *because* attatchment theory is a good way to explain the way an individual may form and maintain attachments throughout their lives. However, when it comes to changing/improving circumstances, a few other concepts come into play such as locus of control, growth mindset, intrinsic and extrinsic motivations, etc. Attachment theory is a great way to identify and explain- but it doesn't do much to change things. So, if you only hold a superficial level understanding of it- it's easy to use a cop out. When I really try to boil it all down the conclusion I always come to is "hurt people, hurt people."

Yeah a lot of people who follow (the low information version of) attachment theory wear what's meant to be an adjective as a label.

Ouch. I think you should move on but that’s touch. As someone with attachment issues I get it, but for me it’s about *me* getting hurt but I do get where Mark is coming from as I worry I’m being an inconvenience or driving people away, so kind of the opposite. I don’t think there’s anything you can do more.

Gently, I think you’re trying to stay attached because you have feelings for him. He’s been clear that he cannot give you the relationship you’re looking for. If I was you, I’d distance myself until I could reconnect platonically, if at all. Ask yourself honestly, are you trying to maintain the connection in the hopes he will change his mind? That’s a dangerous game. You are feeling hurt, which is understandable. I think you have to focus on you. What do you want here that’s available to you?

This, OP. All you need is this response.

There is not much you can do if he doesn't want to be in a relationship. If you have feelings for him and struggle to just be friends you might have to stop seeing him.

Guy I've been seeing has been so sick since chemo 2 weeks ago. I had been taking him to his appts and he spent his 1 "good" day on my couch cuddling. He's been so sick the last week he's been to the hospital a couple times for tests and now he's been admitted. He always withdraws when he's this ill. He knows I'd be there in a heart beat and I told him today that I'd trust he'd tell me if there's anything I can do. I just need to respect He wants to face this on his own but I wish I was there to rub his back or hold his hand. Just really sad. Went and cuddled my best friends baby today which was really nice. I've been binging Downton Abbey and of course there's a tragic character death lolllllll helped me cry it out. In other news, my mom should be getting discharged from the hospital tomorrow so that gives me purpose tomorrow. Will get groceries and cook some food for her and my dad and check on their cat (she got sick too and I spent yesterday at their house and then at the vets....dad reports she's doing better today). What a shit show the last 2 weeks have been.

I've never had a serious illness like that, but from a guy's perspective (speaking generally here), we don't really know how to let ourselves be loved at our most vulnerable. He probably feels ugly and unloveable rn. My assumption is that he doesn't know how to ask for more help than what you're giving him, even though you've clearly shown your willingness. If you want to do more, I reckon it'd be worth calling his bluff a bit and rocking up unannounced and just holding him, sitting there with him in silence, rubbing his back like you said. Not sure if it's inappropriate or bad advice, so other folks please chime in, but maybe consider it.

Yes I think you're right about letting himself be loved at his most vulnerable. We have talked about that before in somewhat different words. He's been able to ask for help or comfort in his more vulnerable times more easily over the months, so I don't really want to force my way over. I generally don't think that's bad advice but I'm not sure it's the right thing now. I'll see how he is tomorrow and maybe more directly ask him if I can go see him. It's a sucky situation but I did go into all of this knowing how serious his cancer is, so just need to try to remember the good times are worth the anguish in between.

Sounds like you're very considerate and caring. All the best and keep us updated

He’s really lucky to have you. I’m sure he appreciates you more than he could ever express with words. 

What’s a cute house-warming gift for a guy you’ve been dating a few months?

A high quality stuffed animal

I would be touched by getting any sort of gift

A cactus. A little prick for your big prick 😂

I like to make it either jokey, consumable or useful, but make it thoughtful or lightly sentimental. If you're serious(ish), a nice framed photo of you two would be sentimental and easy if he's the kind to display pictures. If he's moved into a house he owns from being in a rental, complement it with picture hooks and hammer/nails as a nod to finally having his own space that he can decorate how he likes. Personal bar additions are a great idea, pair it with a bottle of his fav wine/spirits or champagne to celebrate. If you can suss his current needs, good quality tea towels or actual towels go down well, or gifting him your own favourite household gadget/tool can be both useful and it's sharing something with him.

A unique item for his personal bar.

As a guy, a Mug is always welcome.

Make him a simple charcuterie board, and bring wine.

A plant, well if they like plants haha

Making sure I forgive myself. And to just release the negative energy. To appreciate. It’s all going to be okay, and the universe will have a path forward.

Been under the weather this week and my workouts have been absent. Without the endorphins I feel so fat and ugly, on top of physically feeling fatigued and bad. :(

I feel this. My car has been in the shop so I can't get to the gym, and my hips and heart hurt.

Finally, I decided to put myself back out there. Downloaded the apps and got a bunch of likes with bad photos. They seem pretty useless without paying, just waiting for more swipes for a match. What apps do you folks like to use? Any new or interesting ones?

Even if you pay, you're unlikely to see the benefit.

32m if it is relevant, from most successful to least 1- Hinge. I think being able to send a message instead of blind likes and swiping helps a lot. Definitely the most in person dates I've gotten, but there are so many variables with that, who knows if you can chalk it up to the app itself. I've found the most serious and intentional people are on this app. 2- Bumble. Swipe based and the cons that go with that, but the best with that format. Before or after the change in the "women message first" gimmick made no change in the dynamic. You'll usually get "hi" and "how are you" as opposed to genuine conversation starters. The whole "match dies after 24 hours if no message is sent" thing blows, but its been rare that matches expire. massive drop off in usefulness/success 3- Coffee Meets Bagel. Had some conversations and almost a date. It'll spam you with notifications on paying for features and premium and other bullshit, to the point where I had to block notifications and then missed some connections. There is some nonsense where the chat room will close automatically after a week, to "encourage people to meet off the app" but in reality that hasn't equaled people being more serious about doing in person dates. There is a MASSIVE amount of Asians with bare profiles that I can only assume they are either fake profiles created by the company, or scammers focusing on this app for some reason. 4- Tinder. It is absolutely as bad as you think it is, and its reputation has not changed at all. It is the hook up app, and this would be the absolute worst pick you could make if you want a relationship.

i think the advice depends whether you’re a man or woman. for women, hinge and bumble seem to be the best, and there’s no need for a paid account. for men, those two apps would probably have the most amount of women, and paying always makes more sense because it’s geared that way.

I'm a male. Luckily, I live in a city full of beautiful women, and my friend convinced me to try the apps. I'm getting more likes than I expected. But I might just delete them and go outside.

Ha- I read "city full of beautiful women" and was curious. Hello fellow Vancouverite! For those unaware, this guy speaks the truth, we are all disproportionately good-looking 😗

This makes me very happy haha

Hello. Yes, we men are spoiled here. Don't know why I took such a long break from dating.

Go outside is seriously the best app.

Hinge is the least bad but they are all bad imo. OK Cupid is completely unusable now when it used to be one of the better ones

Yeah, I got a suspicious amount of likes on OK Cupid. It's like micro transactions in video games on steroids, though.

Oh yeah I would advise you to delete OK cupid just because it’s gotten really bad in recent years. YMMV with hinge, tinder, and bumble, but every like i’ve gotten there save one has been from a real person

GUYS the man who was sweet but gave out NO vibes on the date i badgered him to go on just sent me a meme. Might he like me after all? Is this pure optimism on my part? No idea but excited to find out.

Maybe. Maybe you should ask him?

That old chestnut

Unfortunately Smoochie/my date and I are no more… I just don’t know how to feel about it right now. I don’t know if I was blindsided, or if I failed to manage my expectations accordingly. I’m sad and kinda frightened to go back OLD because I really felt this man was what I was looking for. It’s gonna be hard to compare :( Everything was going well up until this evening. I feel like I knew more about this man than he did of me, so I communicated that. His response, “sorry I’m not exactly up to date with the whole situation of being with someone..” I asked what he meant and he said maybe he isn’t the right person for me. Said he likes me, thinks I’m sexy and a good person but maybe we should just be friends… I mean I respect it. It hurts but I don’t know if I’m allowed to feel hurt after only knowing someone a short time. I think I’m more pained that until today I had no idea we were not on the same page of what we wanted. I mean we discussed it? I’m struggling to understand what changed. I mean the pet peeves conversation + talk of my old blog (last entry 10 years ago) was kinda the start of the end. Anyway, I’m super sad about the situation. Do you guys block/delete if someone wants to be friends? Thank God I didn’t actually sleep with him because I’d have been wilding right now. My feelings would have been out of control 😭 UPDATE: Mini Update: This man is an idiot. He said all that because he thought I wasn’t interested anymore because of the lol thing and how I never texted back today. I WAS BUSY. I HAD AN IMPORTANT JOB INTERVIEW. Nah he can fuck off what kind of 37 year old behaves like he’s 6?

Oh no! I’ve been lowkey following up with your story on Smoochie, because I saw some nonsense about him not liking “lol” or something. So sorry it turned out this way, but honestly it’s always better sooner than later like you mention at the end. As for the complicated thing of friendship… I’m not so sure, with how strong your feelings were, I don’t think having him around platonically is a great idea. And if he’s already kind of being, to quote Beyoncé, “Flip-flop, flippy, flip-flop ass” … maybe not the best friend either. It wasn’t wrong of you at all to be communicative and to peep that he knew less about you, while you knew more about him. A healthy response from him would have been to try and do better, perhaps ask some more questions on another date etc. you have a right to be sad as you thought this connection would grow, but it just went in the wrong direction. Allow yourself a good pout or two with a glass of wine and Chinese takeout, then on to the next! 🥰 sending you hugs mamas.

I appreciate this. It just seems I’m dealing with someone a bit immature too because he asked to phone and when I asked what changed, his response was something along the lines of nothing has but he’s an overthinker and because I abruptly left the lol conversation and didn’t text all day except to ask how he doesn’t ask questions about me…… so he thought maybe I’m not interested in him anymore and figured he’d get ahead of it by saying let’s be friends. Fuck him and his friendship. This has absolutely given me the go ahead to swiftly end whatever this was. I don’t like playing games but the fact that I know he actually likes me… I want to give him grace since he was in a 10 year marriage not too long ago but nah,

He wanted to get ahead of it? Like... in winning the race who ends it first? What? 

He preemptively asked to be friends because he was afraid I wasn’t interested in him anymore. As soon as he said that all the hurt left my body. I slept like a baby! It was the most childish thing ever..

Absolutely! That's ridiculous. 

As a man with no social hobbies, no friendship group, and social anxiety, where/how do I meet people other than volunteering and OLD?