Hello there! I wanted to follow up on my previous post about the guy I've been dating. Last weekend, he made a move with my good friend by teasing her with her nickname and giving her his number, which made me uncomfortable. Despite this, we had plans for dinner a couple of days ago. During our car ride, he brought up my friend's name again in connection with a recent winery visit. Feeling uneasy, I finally addressed the issue, explaining how his actions felt disrespectful and didn't align with my values. He apologized, claiming he didn't mean any harm and he don’t see her like that like how he like me and promised to be more mindful going forward. He even said he's glad I spoke up because it shows I might at least like him. I'm unsure if he's testing me or genuinely remorseful. I'm considering whether to continue seeing him or end things altogether. Your honest opinion would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I had a great connection with someone but today I had to cancel our first date. We matched on OLD a couple weeks ago right before I left for a trip, and we've been texting and having phone calls every since (something completely unusual for me). This past week I just felt like he wasn't as excited to meet or talk, he's always complaining about how busy and tired he is. I decided this is not the energy I want someone to bring into my life. I get busy and tired too, but I'm also happy and excited about life.
So this morning I texted him canceling the date, this would've been our first one. I'm sad I'll miss out on our connection, but I'm glad I listened to my body.
Always trust your gut instincts and stand your ground. If a first interaction feels off, it's a sign it's not the right path to pursue! I'm glad you followed your intuition.
I went out with a guy 2 years ago. The chemistry was there. We kissed and talked a lot. We texted after for a while. Talked on the phone. He never really wanted to meet up after mostly because we live a hour apart. Not a issue for me. He was going through a career change and quit his job. I was getting over a break up. We just didn't talk anymore. This week he contacted me on a dating site. Would you give them a second chance?
I had a whole experience that's left me more cynical than ever. So take my advice with a grain of salt: he already has your number and can see that you're currently available. If his interest is genuine, why would he not reach out directly?
I'm quietly waiting to be re ghosted.
He did this 2 years ago. We rematched and he asked if I was still willing to take that hike. It took 3 days to get him to pick today to be the day... kept asking him to just let me know what time, day of and still no time set.
I got a good morning text and that's it, it's raining all day too... I don't feel good about it. He's texted me every day this week but it's the weird non-commitment to setting up the date.
Last time I had told him the Friday night I needed a time and he ghosted me for days before lying that he was busy working on his truck. I feel stupid that here we are again and I'm actually too nervous to ask if we still have a date!
If you're putting all your eggs in one unreliable basket, you're bound to end up with scrambled eggs. Keep a backup squad of 2 to 3 prospects who might actually follow through. As for Mr. Empty Promises, it's time to hit the block button and stop handing out free passes.
Nope. I don't think I ever will.
First time talked 2 weeks and then ghosted day before our date.
This time made it 1 week, morning of date, and still no response on the time.
Block and delete. This guy is wasting your time and energy and you don’t owe him anything. You’ve never even met and he’s already made you feel like shit.
I'm giving him today and that's literally it. I've limited how much energy I've put into our conversations but he only really got the chance because he had shared before he was very shy.
Plus with it being a rainy day, I'm just cleaning the house anyways. He confirmed we're on for today but if he can't be bothered to follow through, it'll be no hair off my back.
Thing is that if he CAN be bothered to follow through this once he's probably gonna cause you weeks of trouble later. His communication is unlikely to get better.
Lmao it’s Saturday morning and I just woke up from the funniest dream.
In my dream I was at a professional convention with friends and my boyfriend, except my boyfriend in my dream isn’t my bf irl, he’s just a guy I’ve seen around that’s a friend of a friend of a friend, we’ve never talked before irl. But in my dream he’s my bf and we had just started dating.
In the dream I was talking to a group of friends and one of my guy friends jokingly caressed my face in a flirty way and we laughed. My dream bf saw, made a face, scoffed, and walked away. We thought “hahah he’s not actually mad right? It was clearly a joke?” So I waited 5 minutes and when he didn’t come back I went to look for him.
When I found him he was with some of his friends and looked clearly pissed off. So I approached him and said “hey Chris, did you want to talk about it?” And he replied condescendingly “well, I didn’t want to get in the way of your fun…”
Before he could finish I just said “alright never mind, bye” and turned around and walked away. I yelled out “I’m breaking up with you” over my shoulder at him. I went back to my group of friends and told them what happened and we laughed our asses off about it and that’s how I woke up lol.
Sometimes I can’t believe how far I’ve come when it comes to dating. I used to beat myself up over every “failed” relationship and now I can recognize “it’s not that serious, if a guy is gonna get mad over a flirty joke he’s not the one for me”
Ps: not sure if it’s worth the clarification but in my dream I didn’t bother to talk to “Chris” because he couldn’t talk about why he was upset about the flirting. I understand being upset about your partner being flirted with and your partner responding somewhat positively to the flirting, but the issue was that he didn’t talk about it in a mature way like “hey I didn’t appreciate that guy flirting with you and you seemingly liked it, please don’t do that again even as a joke” cuz in the dream it was a brand new relationship and we hadn’t talked about boundaries like that yet. Also in my dream I was not flirting back, it just made me laugh but I could see how it looked like I was flirting back so I would’ve been willing to admit wrong and not do it again if my dream-bf had just talked about how it made him upset without being condescending or sarcastic.
I had a dream last night that I was on a special forces mission to take out Yoda. We did not survive.
As far as I am aware I made no intimate physical contact with the Jedi Master.
This reaction is so disproportionate to what actually happened. You do need therapy, spiraling out of control because someone moved on and doesn’t like you anymore isn’t healthy.
This is a bit weird to read. You’re belittling her intellect and decisions. She is a full grown ass woman who can make own her decisions. Trust that she’s dating this guy because she wants to, and move on. If you truly care about her, respect her choice
Gotta be direct here: This is no longer about you. It stopped being about you the moment she made it clear she didn't want to see you (and, frankly your persistence there is... not good). The belief that you made her settle is silly and self involved. You missed your chance. She decided she didn't want you. She found someone she wanted who wanted her back. You might want to apologise but she doesn't need your apology.
Even blunter still: This doesn't read like you're torn up on her behalf. It reads like you're upset you blew your chance.
I assume you’re being so over the top and self important about this because you’ve never rejected anyone before.
She’s not interested in you. She’s not thinking about you. She made it clear she doesn’t want contact with you. Assume she’s in a happy relationship with a great guy and that not dating you didn’t ruin her life.
It’s wrong when she’s made it abundantly clear she doesn’t want anything to do with you and is happily in love with someone else.
Again, she’s not thinking about you. Ever. She’s not pining for you, she’s not sad about you, she’s not hurt by the perceived rejection. She doesn’t care. At all.
Move on.
Honestly, you were really weird and pushy about trying to apologize to her. Maybe the side eye is to keep you from trying to approach her again when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to talk to you.
She had a passing interest in you over a couple years and then met someone she’s happy with. You’re not the great love of her life. She’s fine.
This story is entirely contradictory and screams "but I'm a nice guy" vibe. Genuinely good people don't have to prove they are good. You aren't worried about her at all. You are mad at yourself for missing a signal. It's okay. It has happened to me more times than I can count. But you are handling this in an unhealthy way. What matters is what you want and your happiness. And it isn't going to hinge on a girl who doesn't want to be with you. Let it go and move on. She definitely has. Go meet other people and respect yourself in the process.
Edit: and however you know so much about her personal life? Yeet it into the sun. Unfollow her. Unfriend her. Have her number? Delete it. Delete any conversation you have had with her. Yeeting is cathartic.
Are there dating apps for people that are established in their career and ready to settle down? I thought Coffee Meets Bagel was supposed to be that but I'm seeing the same people I saw on Bumble which happens to be an even more terrible app. Don't mind paying for a dating app but CMB is a terrible buggy app hidden behind a paywall. It's not worth the money.
You gotta be intentional about who you message and go out with, but also encountering a lot of people who are flaky or not sure of what they want is just how dating goes on all apps, and in person too.
Went out on a first date. When I kissed the girl on the cheek at the end of the date she was a little bit shaky - I don't know if this is a good or bad sign? I tried to ask about it but didn't get much of a response - I gave a last comforting hug before saying goodbye for the night
We had a fun date I thought. Usually it's not great to escalate quickly to a kiss without first light playful touching throughout the date - and I usually don't start touching until I see the girl investing in the conversation and qualifying herself. I saw enough of these signs to escalate light touch throughout the date.
So I think she was just a bit nervous but I'll find out midweek when I ask for a 2nd date I guess.
Did that sort of - right after we parted said it was great to meet you and hope you made it home safe - she replied the same - I just will wait a day or two to set up plans for the next outing
Oh I did that after the date - said it was great to meet you and hope you made it home safe - she replied the same - I just will wait a day or two to set up plans for the next outing
The guy I was dating for three months has decided he wants to try again with his ex. They've broken up twice before and he didn't say anything good about her.
Yesterday was a torturous break up with me where he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or her. The rejection is really hurting.
He can't decide? But you can.
Block him and forget him. Don't give him another chance when he returns. I'm sorry you were his rebound and your feelings got hurt. These feelings are never nice.
Thank you. It feels very likely that I've not heard the end of it somehow.
It sounded like he had a toxic relationship with her but was frightened of letting go.
In an almost 2 hour conversation he said he was certain he wanted to be with me, how could he show me he meant it etc. He also said he found me a lot more attractive and emotionally stable and that he knew it didn't work with her. And then after all that he said he just wasn't sure enough that he didn't want to get back with her and ran out.
I hadn't thought about it like this, but I think you're right. He's quite intense and I think he's had relationships with quite demanding / erratic women. He kept saying that I was calm and stable in comparison.
This is 100% a man dating before he is over his ex. Logically you are a good choice, but emotionally she still holds his heart and mind. Until he is able to break that bond he has no business making a mess in the lives of others.
All the shit talk may also just be him deflecting his feelings. I had an ex that did this and found a text he sent while I was the "love of his life" to her claiming he changed and all he wanted was for her to be his again.
Yes, I think you're right. He was so full on talking about his feelings for me, that I didn't question it, even though his words weren't really backed up with actions.
But there was deflection - he said he was very worried that I wasn't over my ex and wasn't ready for a relationship. I did push him at the time and ask if he wasn't ready.
I would just really like to meet an emotionally mature man who wants a committed relationship and it feels impossible.
Remind yourself, "what do I want in a partner?" Do you want someone who goes back and forth? Do you want someone who compares you to his ex?
Actions speak louder than words. And his words aren't great either! His comparisons about attraction and emotional stability sound weird.. it sounds like he wants a life raft, not a partner. And I'm guessing you want a partner, not someone who is flapping around with indecision.
I'm certain that he will attempt to return. You need to decide if you will let him (please don't!).
I actually think he may need a life raft. He was a bit chaotic all round and seemed propped up by various women in his life (friends, his mum etc.).
You are right that I need to go back to thinking about what I want in a partner. I was taken in by the dream he was selling and what he was saying about his feelings for me. I do not want someone who goes back and forth or who wouldn't choose me first.
I left an 8 year emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago, and this guy was the first person I'd trusted with my feelings and had opened up to. It hurts a hell of a lot because of that.
What is going on with life these days? Matched with someone and the chat is going nowhere, he rarely asks me questions and even after 1 week still hasn't asked me to meet up in person, I guess he is probably chatting with someone else too. At work a coworker mentioned my ex, who said he was nice and she misses him at work, and that he used to show her how to do certain tasks at work, that made me jealous still, even though I shouldn't, it's no wonder he was so popular, and always flirty, but was never like this towards me.
Regarding the match… I hear you. I just asked my match of 6 days of messaging, one of the days of which I thought our convo was dead in a ditch — and he revived it willingly, but still didn’t subsequently ask me out— led me to asking him out instead. Personally, he’s the only online dating app guy of five (in the past) that I’ve had to ask out. I don’t like that I did it, but I realize it was either that or endless texting chatter which I don’t mind, but a week is my max before in person talks. We go out tomorrow, but I’m not expecting much.
So, with that said, I would say if it’s worth it, ask him out yourself. And I’m sorry he’s not asking many questions, I hate that too and def have unmatched because of that if it’s consistent.
Wishing you luck.
Totally, I’m lowkey already like… “ugh” about the whole thing, hoping that I’m tripping. But that’s exactly it. This guy is more introverted than me, but even still I’m not a fan of being the one to have asked him out.
Focus on self-improvement rather than self-criticism; strive to build the future you envision for yourself. Trust your instincts and maintain a positive mindset so that you always feel fulfilled regardless of circumstances. Take care of your appearance and how you present yourself—they often complement each other. Don't hesitate to step outside your comfort zone and be proactive.
To be fair, you can't count the first 13 to 15 years.
"We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope." Martin Luther King
It only has to happen once. Having a multitude of relationships behind you doesn't increase or diminish the chances of a relationship in the future, just as not having had a relationship before doesn't diminish the chances.
He's selling the truck he was fixing up for me, that turd.
"You should have nicer things, this isn't turning out very nice"
You're not nice! Or . . wait. I don't know how I feel. Gah. I want a puppy.
"I'm attracted to you but I just want us to remain friends and keep hanging out. I value your friendship."
I am so fucking sick of people who are not over their exes.
Well, I'm just venting into the ether here. I've had several conversations with personal friends who've observed things first-hand, validate my feelings of confusion, and differ from your conclusion. Because I was vague with my post, I don't perceive the "advice" offered as coming from a place of genuine helpfulness or concern.
Getting really tired of men ghosting me for seemingly no reason after absorbing so much of my fucking time. I was having long, paragraph chats with a guy - ghost. Went on two dates with a guy I really liked. He kissed me and asked when could see me again. His texts went to a slow trickle, then ghost. Another guy, two dates, went well, ghost. For god’s sake just feed me some platitude that you weren’t feeling it and just let me move on!
I feel like a failure. I have been single my whole life due to moving around and chasing my career across the country multiple times. But now that I’m settled, the dating scene is a nightmare.
It's number one bullshit and such a lack of assertiveness. It's hard but I've had some success reframing situations like this by reminding myself:
"This person is demonstrating they aren't going to communicate well with awkwardness let alone conflict or difficult conversations and are a write-off"
"I don't give a fuck about what they think (within reason) anymore because that is disrespectful and I don't want to know this person".
"I want friends and significant others who are assertive communicators and I expect myself to be one too. This is an important value of mine"
"I'm moving on now my threshold has been crossed because I expect to be respected and expect to be expected to be respectful".
Etc.
I've had the joy and sorrow of some amazing and excellent people entering and exiting different areas my life this year which has helped put in perspective the importance of identifying early (1) who is worth time, investment, and effort, and who isn't, and (2) what my capacity realistically is to show up (or not) and be reliable for myself and them because I want to be the type of person that treats important relationships with the dignity and comportment they deserve. If I've said goodbye to someone I deeply esteem because I thought I couldn't be reliable, I'm not wasting my life and energy with people who I don't esteem.
Good luck with the letting go of the ghosts.
I hear a lot of guys saying things like, "I have to work so hard and make so much money just to have any chance of a woman being interested in me."
Well, it goes the other way too? If I (f) don't make enough money, guys aren't interested because they think I'd be using them for their money.
I work fulltime, but it's just never enough. I need to find someone who doesn't care and doesn't focus on things like that. Because I don't care. I care who people are first. Finances only matter when things get serious, and then it's, I think, more about being on the same page about managing money than which person has a higher income or whatever.
Depends where you live. I live in Vancouver, and I know a few women who married guys that have or most likely will wreck their finances. I'm in my forties and already got set back by a divorce. So, I understand women not wanting a frugal guy like me, and I'm not willing to date women with a bunch of consumer debt. It sucks but your partner can bankrupt you easily in HCOL areas.
>If I don't make enough money, guys aren't interested because they think I'd be using them for their money
Curious, do you still get this if you take a relatively dutch approach to your dates? Or you do a "I'll get this one, you get the next one" kind of deal? I think guys really appreciate it when girls take care of the bill sometimes. Doesn't have to be grand meals/drinks.
I'll be honest, there have been so many times when the girl I'm seeing just loses all interest when they realize I don't make a lot of money, make less than she does, or don't have expensive taste in food/drink.
This is exactly what I'm going through, too. I made a new friend last year that feels this way and I love taking to her about it. She helps me to feel just a little less totally alone. A relationship with her isn't going to happen (she's a big ol' lesbo) but our friendship is really growing and becoming meaningful to me.
If you lived in my town I would feel lucky to meet someone like you and probably want to ask you out.
We had plans to go away for the weekend but she got the flu so we had to cancel and haven’t seen her in a week now.
I really wanted to confront her about something she said last time we were together and waiting is killing me but I guess I’ll continue to be patient.
I’m 33f, single in Ontario. I feel like I’m doomed to be alone. I’m not the first person to make a post like this. I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. I’m attracting toxic men, all of them just want sex. Like. Holy shit. It’s every single one that I’ve talked to. I am a big woman, but I’m not terrible looking? I’m kind and thoughtful? I’m not asking for much- but I’m losing hope and it scares me cause I’m already heading towards my mid thirties. Anyways, I guess the reason for my post is- any advice? Or should I just give up? Thoughts?
Don't give up. There's always hope. You only have to meet the right person once.
My advice is to find joy in the other parts of your life. Continue dating, but don't let it become the thief of your joy.
23 dates so far, but I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. I haven't seen him for a week and he does not text often. For example I saw him last Friday, and he only texted me on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday (short conversations). He said work has been busy. I asked him if he wanted to meet this weekend. He said he has some other things to do, like family stuff and hobbies. He's trying to find time, but I feel like the last priority after all the other stuff has been taken care of.
> He said work has been busy. I asked him if he wanted to meet this weekend. He said he has some other things to do, like family stuff and hobbies. He's trying to find time, but I feel like the last priority after all the other stuff has been taken care of.
This part seems a lot more important to me than the texting. If someone isn't making time to see me once a week in their regular day-to-day life I think it's pretty clear evidence I'm not that high on their priority list.
Date this week did a bump of coke (or some other snortable drug) in the middle of our conversation. At a bar. On a Wednesday. Kept going with the convo to like nothing happened.
Someone did this in front of me recently. It was at my house at the end of the night, but I was not expecting the drugs. When I thought about it he had probably done it earlier when we were out, just out of my sight. Did not return his advances after that.
I work in an industry where nights and weekends are required and I frequently work 50+ hours a week. I am finding it increasingly hard to date, even when I'm putting myself out there, making adaquit time for dates, and being upfront about my line of work. I can change my schedule somewhat to accommodate others, but I keep attracting men who think they can handle me being away and the long hours, but realize after a month or two they can't. I refuse to change my career to have a successful relationship. I need advice on how to make this work.
As a person who also has a somewhat hectic work schedule (continental/rotating 12hr shifts, works every other weekend etc) I’ve found that it’s just another compatibility requirement unfortunately. It’s the price you pay for the job you love. I once saw a girl who worked in a totally different but busy industry and somehow she had the exact schedule I did which was great. And then one day 4 months later, she got switched to the opposite shift as me and we both decided to end things as we would never have days off at the same time. The only advice I could share is to just keep being honest about it with potential matches if it gets to the 2nd or 3rd date stage. The right person will understand and be okay with it. Those who don’t (or say they do and then suddenly don’t later on, which sucks) just aren’t meant to be.
I couldn’t work at all today, I was too nervous about seeing him one last time. I will have to make up for it over the weekend.
He came by shortly to bring my stuff, my place was a mess so instead of buzzing him up I went downstairs. I asked to hug him, we had a long hug and he kissed me. I got teary eyed but didn’t cry. While I was talking he was looking into the distance behind me as always. I’ll try to remember it, to remind myself why I broke it off, the lack of attention I felt. He apologized for the kiss, I said no it was nice and then he left.
I tried to walk a bit but felt like crying so went back to my apartment. Then he texted me. He hopes that we can be friends someday, but wants me to give him some space because this is really hard. I said I won’t contact him unless he contacts me and we wished the best to each other.
I’ll see a friend on Sunday and will go on a trip with her next week but until then it will be hard. I have no plans for tonight, and I only have a music lesson tomorrow. It will be lonely. I envy him, he’ll be with his friends tonight. I started to use Bumble BFF again to find new friends, I think I need to prioritize that. Also taking a break from dating.
I saw a top post here about someone calling it off with someone avoidant and then meeting someone whom they felt secure with. I’ll try to find and read more posts like that to give me hope. Writing this already helped so I’ll keep journalling, treat myself with something sweet and after journaling I’ll probably feel good enough to go over my bucket list to get myself excited about life and my future. With some uplifting music maybe.
The guy I was seeing ended things today (2 months, the 'is this going to be a real thing or not' moment). The motto I'm moving forward with? "If not this, then something better." I'm looking forward to someone I feel secure with, too!
Female and got stood up for an online date! I was already there and I was waiting and then went on the app and realized he left the chat room when I was driving! Seriously, why can’t ppl be honest if they can’t meetup. I guess I get why ppl should confirm now.
If I'm meeting someone, I confirm a few times: The day before, a few hours before, and there should be some communication beforehand with something like "I'm on my way out the door, see you at 7 :)"
I don't go out unless that is locked in.
I really wish I had known. I assumed he would have informed me if he canceled, especially since he was the one who booked a reservation at a specific time and place a 1.5 days ago which we both confirmed. Instead, he deleted our chat just 40 minutes before we were supposed to meet, without saying anything!
I guess lesson learned.
At what age did you know if you wanted kids or not? Did that ever change?
I (32M) have always been fairly adament that I didn't want kids. It's felt like a scary commitment, like it would tie up my time and kill my freedom, and that I simply never could imagine spending \~20 years of my life helping another human learn how to function. That being said, it feels like I made my mind up years ago and have never come back to re-evaluate the decision, and I guess I don't know whether it's a hard no or an "I don't see it, but possibly".
This distinction has emerged recently as I've been talking to an absolutely incredible woman (33F), who's adament about wanting kids. We've been close friends for a year and are attracted to each other, but never started anything because of the difference in family plans. However, we've recently been talking about how it might be a great match if it weren't for the one big problem -- we really click together and seem like we would have potential, but neither of us really wants to invest in a relationship that doesn't have the promise of forever (with kids being the big sticking point).
So I guess this brings me to the question of whether anybody else here has experienced something similar and re-evaluated whether they'd be ok with kids later in life? What let you know you were making the right choice?
I was adamant I never ever wanted kids. But kids are a labour of love, they are definitely a product of the love you have with your partner. At 23 I met someone who meant the world to me and also I met my cute baby nephew. Both influenced me to change my mind. I waited for the yes from my partner to be ready 4 years later. They are so difficult to raise from 0-2 so you really need to have a strong relationship with open communication, teamwork and conflict resolution. But you have a mini-you running around and seeing them achieve things they never thought they could is so heartwarming. Giving them the best life makes you so proud and feel accomplished. If I could go back and change the past, I would have bought a house for stability first, gotten married before - now I see the importance of a public commitment and my last recommendation would be to actually discuss the nitty gritty about plan a, b and c of who is taking care of what with the baby, who is up during the night, the feeding, the nappies, the baths, giving the primary carer time to shower, get dressed, do hobbies, go out with friends alone, who is doing which house chores, the play dates/ sports lessons, the immunisations (heartbreaking cries), the finances. Basically you have to do all this extra stuff for 5-6 years until they go to school. Most begrudged parents don't get much time to themselves, but if you work as a team you will enjoy it. Hence the labour of love comment.
Tbh this stance is more common with men because they don’t grow and birth the baby. Men are much more take it or leave it when it comes to having kids. As a woman, I’ve always known and it’s never changed or faltered. No kids for me.
It’s pretty normal to prioritize personal freedom in your youth and *other things* like roots, belonging, family etc as you get older. There’s no shame in reevaluating your needs, wants, desires, priorities as you move in to a different season of your life. Whether you want kids or not, it’s worth keeping an open mind to change in either direction as you both age and encounter the realities of progressing through life.
I think as soon as I had my first relationship, at 23 (M here). I am very independent and live alone but if the really really right woman comes up then why not? I find that's the trickier part over kids.
So my oldest is 14... So somewhere between 14 and 15 years ago. Ex-wife (then wife though) said she wanted to try to have a kid, and while I never cared either way, I said sure.
Really glad she wanted kids, cause my kids are awesome when they aren't being little shits. As much stress as they have caused, they have also enriched my world so much, and I'm happy I have both of them.
All that being said, you should do some soul searching and figure out what you want, because I think at our age, we really shouldn't be wasting anybody's time with fence sitting...
Ladies, what do you think about an extremely extroverted person who is also extremely introverted and focus is a massive amount of their time on spiritual practices?
I used to live as a Buddhist monk off the grid. Before that I was kind of a party animal. Those 2 parts of me have come into balance in my late 30s.
I work in a major city, and spend the afternoon and evening there with friends seeing live music, hanging out, being gregarious etc.
Basically any other time outside of that I live in a cabin on a nature sanctuary about 45 minutes outside of the city. When I'm there I almost exclusively practice meditation, play my instrument, do calligraphy, and Japanese formal flower arranging. Lots of yoga and tai chi too.
Although I love hanging out with people, being in my cabin, being the best person I can possibly be through actively engaging in these spiritual pursuits, is a core part of my being.
It's not a secret, but only close friends know I spend my time like this, since it's pretty outside the mainstream, and I'm not super into talking about it with random people
I've never brought this stuff up with someone I was romantically interested in. Not sure what they would think. I need so much space to practice this stuff, but I'm totally down with sharing it, so it's not like I'm demanding a lot of alone time. That being said if a partner is not into it, I'm not gonna stop doing it, and will need my space. Which would eventually become a problem.
Obviously every woman is different, and that's OK, I'm just curious about some peoples opinions!
Self absorbed is defined as a preoccupation with your own interests. So yea... I guess I am.
A huge part of my spiritual life is also volunteering at homeless kitchens, teach meditation for free, and fostering animals. I'm pretty okay with my self absorption since my interests include helping animals and people
Is there space for someone you feel safe and comfortable with to go to the cabin with you and practice their spirituality and do meditation with you? If not always, at least some of the time? Or does it have to be alone?
This is a huge part of your life. I think it's time to fully embrace and be open about this side of you, even mention it on your profile in some way or another. So that any potential mismatches can self select themselves out of your dating pool, and potential matches who have a similar style of spirituality can be more inclined to connect with you.
You might get fewer matches.... But it's only going to scare away the people with whom it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Well your best bet is to look for spiritual crunchy women. I would never date a man like this cause it’s so far off from me personally and I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time like that, or have my SO gone off doing that a majority of the time.
Not sure anyone here can give you the kind of answer you seem to be looking for.
The questions I have are 1. How rigid are you when it comes to your schedule, what things you like to do, and how you want to do them? And 2. How do you see a partner, or whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for, fit with your life?
You’ll have an easier time overall if you can be flexible and accommodating.
I used to dabble in the trippy festival scene. Friends I had who were into that scene had somewhat similar lives, but would maybe do outdoorsy stuff at the cabin instead of spiritualism. If you’d be okay with them doing their own thing for part of the cabin time, I definitely know a lot of people who would be into this lifestyle.
>Ladies, what do you think about an extremely extroverted person who is also extremely introverted and focus is a massive amount of their time on spiritual practices?
Women are not a monolith. Different women will be happy with different traits in partners
Honestly? This.
I can only speak for myself, but if I meet a woman who enthusiastically speaks about her life, her hobbies and her passions, it's really the enthusiasm I'm attracted to.
It's all a matter of presentation, really. I wouldn't be attracted as much to a shy personality who isn't sure of how to talk about their niche interests. If that same person was 11/10 REALLY into talking about what excites them, I'm all ears, it doesn't really matter what the topic is!
Have a bunch of cool plants at home? Cool! Great! Tell me all about them! Which ones are your favorite? Which ones do you want to add to your collection??
Kind of trying to start dating again after that very harsh breakup. I feel like I'm a lot better in person than on the apps. Besides, the few matches I get on apps are all incredibly scammy. A lot of profiles just redirect you to Onlyfans and similar.
I don't go out for the purpose of dating, also because between finding my ex right away, the pandemic and basically clicking with both exes from the start I'm incredibly rusty. I go out to meet people, get their number, limit the conversation to a minimum so we can see each other in person. I did give my number to a girl yesterday but she still didn't text me. Another person cancelled on a date she proposed. I had to meet other female friends last Saturday but due to sheer bad luck (broken phones, people offline, a girl looking for me and telling me after she gave up trying) it's with the lads only.
In all of this I'm not making dating a priority and focusing on myself first. I'll start therapy next week. I subscribed to a yearly pass at the gym, even though I didn't go this week as I always felt incredibly tired and/or depressed. I have these moments hence the therapy. I have a new job where I get along well, also outside work, with everyone more or less.
A lot happened but in short this is kinda it.
It turns out I got all anxious about my first-ever app match for nothing. He can’t even speak English haha. 🥲 Gotta throw this one back into the ocean.
That text sounds good to me. I agree with kaizofox, very carefully manage your expectations. Try to remind yourself that you could receive a response that isn't what you want.
That sounds totally fine as an olive branch, but do keep your expectations in check. Whatever response you receive, even no response at all, is possible--- and completely OK.
Just make sure YOU'RE ok with whatever happens next.
My boyfriend (39m) of 5 years and I (34f) are going through a rough patch and I am not sure if this is the end. We have been trying to have a baby, and had issues. We do not live together, are not married, and planned to do it as soon as we conceive. Neither of us could have known we'd have the trouble. I have been feeling the pressure to move forward; each month I am not pregnant is like salt on the wound since it also means no movement in my relationship. He doesn't see it this way. As i have pushed, it led to a big fight and now I haven't seen him in 10 days with only 2 texts from him dumping everything he is upset about. He thinks I only value his physical presence and that he live in my world of anxiety, that I just want him for a single role. I thought we wanted the same things and the same type of companionship and I don't think he appreciates that I am alone ALL OF THE TIME. He said he is not ok and will not be around for a few days (he said that on Sunday and now it is Friday). I'm just not sure how to process all of this. Keep in mind, this is a snippet of us; a crescendo of shit in what is generally a very happy and loving relationship.
Where I am at now is I wonder if now is the time to call it, since he has literally just left me and is ignoring me. We are 5 years in, and this is not really the set up I imagined for myself and I thought we wanted the same things but it seems like we do not. Our coping skills also seem to be at odds with each other.
I feel I am so old now and I'm not sure why the journey to motherhood/a traditional family seems to be an impossible task for myself.
I guess all of this to say what is a reasonable amount of time to give him before I call it?
EDIT: I should have clarified we basically live together. He has an apartment but 99% of the time is at my house. We both work from home so it has been more of a practicality more than anything.
Sorry - i mean nights/after work. He works at his place. He goes with his friends all of the time - like every weekend, he goes on lots of weekend trips to mountain bike/ski/etc. wit hthem. He also comes late - like 8:00pm and leaves first thing in the morning. He doesn't realize how he just drops in and leaves. It's very lonely because as often as he is here, I do not feel I am his homebase.
So, just for clarification. Why are you waiting to move in and get married until after you're pregnant? It seems like (and I may be misinterpreting which is why I'm asking for clarification), that you won't do these things until you're pregnant and he wants to do them now rather than waiting.
If that's the case, I can understand why he'd feel used. It feels like you won't commit to him unless he can give you a baby. Essentially, you are using him. If the whole relationship is contingent on you getting pregnant, then you have a horrible foundation for a relationship. This is like trying to fix a bad marriage with a kid.
If you want the same things and you love him, why wait.
He wants to wait. Largely it is that we both WFH and my house is tiny, his apartment is smaller. We haven't wanted to buy a bigger house before we really need it. He is at my house every night or 5-6 nights a week.
He was raised as an only child and suffers with pretty severe depression. He is someone who recharges alone and has always been alone and I think it is overwhelming for him. We both know that it couldn't work as it does now with a kid, and I think he likes the idea of not having to make the jump himself; of having a reason bigger than himself to be totally out of his comfort zone.
He is an extremely present and committed partner. He makes me feel like a million bucks when we are together. I actually love our life as it is now, but I do know that with a child, it would need to change for the sake of the child - something we both desperately want. He thinks I only value his presence when he is with me physically, I feel like he is gaslighting me for saying I need movement towards a more traditional set up. It's messy because I do think we have something special but maybe this is something we just can't ever move past.
You’re absolutely in a rough situation. I don’t want to speak for you, but if I were in your shoes it would feel as though my relationship is dependent on being able to have kids - which is a lot of stress. Not everyone is capable of conceiving.
Have you guys had a discussion about what would happen if you weren’t able to conceive? Would the relationship end or would you progress without children or adopt, etc.
I can completely understand wanting the security that your partner will be there without conditions outside your control. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for that security if that’s what you need - I know it’s what I’d need personally.
Hello there! I wanted to follow up on my previous post about the guy I've been dating. Last weekend, he made a move with my good friend by teasing her with her nickname and giving her his number, which made me uncomfortable. Despite this, we had plans for dinner a couple of days ago. During our car ride, he brought up my friend's name again in connection with a recent winery visit. Feeling uneasy, I finally addressed the issue, explaining how his actions felt disrespectful and didn't align with my values. He apologized, claiming he didn't mean any harm and he don’t see her like that like how he like me and promised to be more mindful going forward. He even said he's glad I spoke up because it shows I might at least like him. I'm unsure if he's testing me or genuinely remorseful. I'm considering whether to continue seeing him or end things altogether. Your honest opinion would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I had a great connection with someone but today I had to cancel our first date. We matched on OLD a couple weeks ago right before I left for a trip, and we've been texting and having phone calls every since (something completely unusual for me). This past week I just felt like he wasn't as excited to meet or talk, he's always complaining about how busy and tired he is. I decided this is not the energy I want someone to bring into my life. I get busy and tired too, but I'm also happy and excited about life. So this morning I texted him canceling the date, this would've been our first one. I'm sad I'll miss out on our connection, but I'm glad I listened to my body.
Always trust your gut instincts and stand your ground. If a first interaction feels off, it's a sign it's not the right path to pursue! I'm glad you followed your intuition.
I went out with a guy 2 years ago. The chemistry was there. We kissed and talked a lot. We texted after for a while. Talked on the phone. He never really wanted to meet up after mostly because we live a hour apart. Not a issue for me. He was going through a career change and quit his job. I was getting over a break up. We just didn't talk anymore. This week he contacted me on a dating site. Would you give them a second chance?
Did he say anything or just send a like?
He messaged me on match. But I'm not a paying member anymore. Can't see what he said.
I had a whole experience that's left me more cynical than ever. So take my advice with a grain of salt: he already has your number and can see that you're currently available. If his interest is genuine, why would he not reach out directly?
I mean it seems previously it was amicable to indifferent to not progress. If he is in a better spot now, why not?
I'm quietly waiting to be re ghosted. He did this 2 years ago. We rematched and he asked if I was still willing to take that hike. It took 3 days to get him to pick today to be the day... kept asking him to just let me know what time, day of and still no time set. I got a good morning text and that's it, it's raining all day too... I don't feel good about it. He's texted me every day this week but it's the weird non-commitment to setting up the date. Last time I had told him the Friday night I needed a time and he ghosted me for days before lying that he was busy working on his truck. I feel stupid that here we are again and I'm actually too nervous to ask if we still have a date!
If you're putting all your eggs in one unreliable basket, you're bound to end up with scrambled eggs. Keep a backup squad of 2 to 3 prospects who might actually follow through. As for Mr. Empty Promises, it's time to hit the block button and stop handing out free passes.
Have you ever met this guy?
Nope. I don't think I ever will. First time talked 2 weeks and then ghosted day before our date. This time made it 1 week, morning of date, and still no response on the time.
Block and delete. This guy is wasting your time and energy and you don’t owe him anything. You’ve never even met and he’s already made you feel like shit.
I'm giving him today and that's literally it. I've limited how much energy I've put into our conversations but he only really got the chance because he had shared before he was very shy. Plus with it being a rainy day, I'm just cleaning the house anyways. He confirmed we're on for today but if he can't be bothered to follow through, it'll be no hair off my back.
Thing is that if he CAN be bothered to follow through this once he's probably gonna cause you weeks of trouble later. His communication is unlikely to get better.
He must be hot because this is some bullshit.
Lmao it’s Saturday morning and I just woke up from the funniest dream. In my dream I was at a professional convention with friends and my boyfriend, except my boyfriend in my dream isn’t my bf irl, he’s just a guy I’ve seen around that’s a friend of a friend of a friend, we’ve never talked before irl. But in my dream he’s my bf and we had just started dating. In the dream I was talking to a group of friends and one of my guy friends jokingly caressed my face in a flirty way and we laughed. My dream bf saw, made a face, scoffed, and walked away. We thought “hahah he’s not actually mad right? It was clearly a joke?” So I waited 5 minutes and when he didn’t come back I went to look for him. When I found him he was with some of his friends and looked clearly pissed off. So I approached him and said “hey Chris, did you want to talk about it?” And he replied condescendingly “well, I didn’t want to get in the way of your fun…” Before he could finish I just said “alright never mind, bye” and turned around and walked away. I yelled out “I’m breaking up with you” over my shoulder at him. I went back to my group of friends and told them what happened and we laughed our asses off about it and that’s how I woke up lol. Sometimes I can’t believe how far I’ve come when it comes to dating. I used to beat myself up over every “failed” relationship and now I can recognize “it’s not that serious, if a guy is gonna get mad over a flirty joke he’s not the one for me” Ps: not sure if it’s worth the clarification but in my dream I didn’t bother to talk to “Chris” because he couldn’t talk about why he was upset about the flirting. I understand being upset about your partner being flirted with and your partner responding somewhat positively to the flirting, but the issue was that he didn’t talk about it in a mature way like “hey I didn’t appreciate that guy flirting with you and you seemingly liked it, please don’t do that again even as a joke” cuz in the dream it was a brand new relationship and we hadn’t talked about boundaries like that yet. Also in my dream I was not flirting back, it just made me laugh but I could see how it looked like I was flirting back so I would’ve been willing to admit wrong and not do it again if my dream-bf had just talked about how it made him upset without being condescending or sarcastic.
I had a dream last night that I was on a special forces mission to take out Yoda. We did not survive. As far as I am aware I made no intimate physical contact with the Jedi Master.
Lmao wait you got killed by Yoda? That’s gotta be intense. Does that make you a Sith?? Lol
If I think too long about it, I might become one.
Yet another person who thinks they are going to be alone for the rest of their life
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I doubt she's ever thought about you again. You're not the main character of her life, stop assigning yourself so much significance.
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This reaction is so disproportionate to what actually happened. You do need therapy, spiraling out of control because someone moved on and doesn’t like you anymore isn’t healthy.
You sound creepy, entitled and dangerous.
You need a therapist. Leave this woman alone.
This is a bit weird to read. You’re belittling her intellect and decisions. She is a full grown ass woman who can make own her decisions. Trust that she’s dating this guy because she wants to, and move on. If you truly care about her, respect her choice
Gotta be direct here: This is no longer about you. It stopped being about you the moment she made it clear she didn't want to see you (and, frankly your persistence there is... not good). The belief that you made her settle is silly and self involved. You missed your chance. She decided she didn't want you. She found someone she wanted who wanted her back. You might want to apologise but she doesn't need your apology. Even blunter still: This doesn't read like you're torn up on her behalf. It reads like you're upset you blew your chance.
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I assume you’re being so over the top and self important about this because you’ve never rejected anyone before. She’s not interested in you. She’s not thinking about you. She made it clear she doesn’t want contact with you. Assume she’s in a happy relationship with a great guy and that not dating you didn’t ruin her life.
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It’s wrong when she’s made it abundantly clear she doesn’t want anything to do with you and is happily in love with someone else. Again, she’s not thinking about you. Ever. She’s not pining for you, she’s not sad about you, she’s not hurt by the perceived rejection. She doesn’t care. At all. Move on.
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Honestly, you were really weird and pushy about trying to apologize to her. Maybe the side eye is to keep you from trying to approach her again when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to talk to you. She had a passing interest in you over a couple years and then met someone she’s happy with. You’re not the great love of her life. She’s fine.
This story is entirely contradictory and screams "but I'm a nice guy" vibe. Genuinely good people don't have to prove they are good. You aren't worried about her at all. You are mad at yourself for missing a signal. It's okay. It has happened to me more times than I can count. But you are handling this in an unhealthy way. What matters is what you want and your happiness. And it isn't going to hinge on a girl who doesn't want to be with you. Let it go and move on. She definitely has. Go meet other people and respect yourself in the process. Edit: and however you know so much about her personal life? Yeet it into the sun. Unfollow her. Unfriend her. Have her number? Delete it. Delete any conversation you have had with her. Yeeting is cathartic.
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My dude you need some [Bob Newhart](https://youtu.be/aAhA7KfbJgg?si=Ww6l4d0me3WSkjnU) then
Are there dating apps for people that are established in their career and ready to settle down? I thought Coffee Meets Bagel was supposed to be that but I'm seeing the same people I saw on Bumble which happens to be an even more terrible app. Don't mind paying for a dating app but CMB is a terrible buggy app hidden behind a paywall. It's not worth the money.
Hinge has the highest proportion of such people, ime, though they are by no means the only type on there.
I've had terrible experiences on Hinge... very unhinged for sure 😭
You gotta be intentional about who you message and go out with, but also encountering a lot of people who are flaky or not sure of what they want is just how dating goes on all apps, and in person too.
I'm aware of this. Thank you.
You'll find the same people on the most popular apps.
I see that
Went out on a first date. When I kissed the girl on the cheek at the end of the date she was a little bit shaky - I don't know if this is a good or bad sign? I tried to ask about it but didn't get much of a response - I gave a last comforting hug before saying goodbye for the night We had a fun date I thought. Usually it's not great to escalate quickly to a kiss without first light playful touching throughout the date - and I usually don't start touching until I see the girl investing in the conversation and qualifying herself. I saw enough of these signs to escalate light touch throughout the date. So I think she was just a bit nervous but I'll find out midweek when I ask for a 2nd date I guess.
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Yup. Just follow up with a quick “I had a great time and would love to get together again!” text
Did that sort of - right after we parted said it was great to meet you and hope you made it home safe - she replied the same - I just will wait a day or two to set up plans for the next outing
You will fumble the bag if you don't message her this morning. "Had a great time! When can we do it again?"
Oh I did that after the date - said it was great to meet you and hope you made it home safe - she replied the same - I just will wait a day or two to set up plans for the next outing
Don’t. Wait. You don’t have to SEE her immediately but you should be trying to set plans ASAP for some point in the near / imminent future.
Do not wait. Do it today. Waiting x number of days is a stupid little game no one should be playing.
Message her today why wait?
Why wait til midweek?
Right?!! Can't understand the logic at all
The guy I was dating for three months has decided he wants to try again with his ex. They've broken up twice before and he didn't say anything good about her. Yesterday was a torturous break up with me where he couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or her. The rejection is really hurting.
He can't decide? But you can. Block him and forget him. Don't give him another chance when he returns. I'm sorry you were his rebound and your feelings got hurt. These feelings are never nice.
Move on. Dont accept being second best. When he comes back in 3 months tell him, I met someone else.
Thank you. It feels very likely that I've not heard the end of it somehow. It sounded like he had a toxic relationship with her but was frightened of letting go. In an almost 2 hour conversation he said he was certain he wanted to be with me, how could he show me he meant it etc. He also said he found me a lot more attractive and emotionally stable and that he knew it didn't work with her. And then after all that he said he just wasn't sure enough that he didn't want to get back with her and ran out.
On some level he likes the drama. If you were to date him, he’d create similar drama for you because he likes it.
I hadn't thought about it like this, but I think you're right. He's quite intense and I think he's had relationships with quite demanding / erratic women. He kept saying that I was calm and stable in comparison.
This is 100% a man dating before he is over his ex. Logically you are a good choice, but emotionally she still holds his heart and mind. Until he is able to break that bond he has no business making a mess in the lives of others. All the shit talk may also just be him deflecting his feelings. I had an ex that did this and found a text he sent while I was the "love of his life" to her claiming he changed and all he wanted was for her to be his again.
Yes, I think you're right. He was so full on talking about his feelings for me, that I didn't question it, even though his words weren't really backed up with actions. But there was deflection - he said he was very worried that I wasn't over my ex and wasn't ready for a relationship. I did push him at the time and ask if he wasn't ready. I would just really like to meet an emotionally mature man who wants a committed relationship and it feels impossible.
Remind yourself, "what do I want in a partner?" Do you want someone who goes back and forth? Do you want someone who compares you to his ex? Actions speak louder than words. And his words aren't great either! His comparisons about attraction and emotional stability sound weird.. it sounds like he wants a life raft, not a partner. And I'm guessing you want a partner, not someone who is flapping around with indecision. I'm certain that he will attempt to return. You need to decide if you will let him (please don't!).
I actually think he may need a life raft. He was a bit chaotic all round and seemed propped up by various women in his life (friends, his mum etc.). You are right that I need to go back to thinking about what I want in a partner. I was taken in by the dream he was selling and what he was saying about his feelings for me. I do not want someone who goes back and forth or who wouldn't choose me first. I left an 8 year emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago, and this guy was the first person I'd trusted with my feelings and had opened up to. It hurts a hell of a lot because of that.
He might need a life raft, but that is not your responsibility.
I agree! I'm just hurting honestly, and trying to process it all. But I have no intention of being a life raft!
I'm an idiot. I'm torturing myself and she doesn't even treat me like a good friend.
You are the advocate for yourself. Draw those boundaries to protect yourself because if you don’t, who will?
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What's preventing you from asking those questions?
What is going on with life these days? Matched with someone and the chat is going nowhere, he rarely asks me questions and even after 1 week still hasn't asked me to meet up in person, I guess he is probably chatting with someone else too. At work a coworker mentioned my ex, who said he was nice and she misses him at work, and that he used to show her how to do certain tasks at work, that made me jealous still, even though I shouldn't, it's no wonder he was so popular, and always flirty, but was never like this towards me.
Regarding the match… I hear you. I just asked my match of 6 days of messaging, one of the days of which I thought our convo was dead in a ditch — and he revived it willingly, but still didn’t subsequently ask me out— led me to asking him out instead. Personally, he’s the only online dating app guy of five (in the past) that I’ve had to ask out. I don’t like that I did it, but I realize it was either that or endless texting chatter which I don’t mind, but a week is my max before in person talks. We go out tomorrow, but I’m not expecting much. So, with that said, I would say if it’s worth it, ask him out yourself. And I’m sorry he’s not asking many questions, I hate that too and def have unmatched because of that if it’s consistent. Wishing you luck.
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Totally, I’m lowkey already like… “ugh” about the whole thing, hoping that I’m tripping. But that’s exactly it. This guy is more introverted than me, but even still I’m not a fan of being the one to have asked him out.
Everyone keeps telling me I’ll find someone, but how am I supposed to believe that when I’ve gone 32 years without one single relationship?
Focus on self-improvement rather than self-criticism; strive to build the future you envision for yourself. Trust your instincts and maintain a positive mindset so that you always feel fulfilled regardless of circumstances. Take care of your appearance and how you present yourself—they often complement each other. Don't hesitate to step outside your comfort zone and be proactive.
To be fair, you can't count the first 13 to 15 years. "We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope." Martin Luther King It only has to happen once. Having a multitude of relationships behind you doesn't increase or diminish the chances of a relationship in the future, just as not having had a relationship before doesn't diminish the chances.
I hear you 💕 wish I had an answer for this myself at 31. But we gotta keep trying.
He's selling the truck he was fixing up for me, that turd. "You should have nicer things, this isn't turning out very nice" You're not nice! Or . . wait. I don't know how I feel. Gah. I want a puppy.
So when are we going to the dealership, honey?
Ew, never
"I'm attracted to you but I just want us to remain friends and keep hanging out. I value your friendship." I am so fucking sick of people who are not over their exes.
That person is just telling you they're not interested. Their soft rejection says nothing about their ex
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
Don't share in a public discussion forum if you don't want people to discuss
Well, I'm just venting into the ether here. I've had several conversations with personal friends who've observed things first-hand, validate my feelings of confusion, and differ from your conclusion. Because I was vague with my post, I don't perceive the "advice" offered as coming from a place of genuine helpfulness or concern.
Getting really tired of men ghosting me for seemingly no reason after absorbing so much of my fucking time. I was having long, paragraph chats with a guy - ghost. Went on two dates with a guy I really liked. He kissed me and asked when could see me again. His texts went to a slow trickle, then ghost. Another guy, two dates, went well, ghost. For god’s sake just feed me some platitude that you weren’t feeling it and just let me move on! I feel like a failure. I have been single my whole life due to moving around and chasing my career across the country multiple times. But now that I’m settled, the dating scene is a nightmare.
It's number one bullshit and such a lack of assertiveness. It's hard but I've had some success reframing situations like this by reminding myself: "This person is demonstrating they aren't going to communicate well with awkwardness let alone conflict or difficult conversations and are a write-off" "I don't give a fuck about what they think (within reason) anymore because that is disrespectful and I don't want to know this person". "I want friends and significant others who are assertive communicators and I expect myself to be one too. This is an important value of mine" "I'm moving on now my threshold has been crossed because I expect to be respected and expect to be expected to be respectful". Etc. I've had the joy and sorrow of some amazing and excellent people entering and exiting different areas my life this year which has helped put in perspective the importance of identifying early (1) who is worth time, investment, and effort, and who isn't, and (2) what my capacity realistically is to show up (or not) and be reliable for myself and them because I want to be the type of person that treats important relationships with the dignity and comportment they deserve. If I've said goodbye to someone I deeply esteem because I thought I couldn't be reliable, I'm not wasting my life and energy with people who I don't esteem. Good luck with the letting go of the ghosts.
I FEEL ALL OF THIS. IM TIRED…and disheartened.
I hear a lot of guys saying things like, "I have to work so hard and make so much money just to have any chance of a woman being interested in me." Well, it goes the other way too? If I (f) don't make enough money, guys aren't interested because they think I'd be using them for their money. I work fulltime, but it's just never enough. I need to find someone who doesn't care and doesn't focus on things like that. Because I don't care. I care who people are first. Finances only matter when things get serious, and then it's, I think, more about being on the same page about managing money than which person has a higher income or whatever.
And if you make too much you're just going to leave for someone who makes more. Some people just want to be upset.
Depends where you live. I live in Vancouver, and I know a few women who married guys that have or most likely will wreck their finances. I'm in my forties and already got set back by a divorce. So, I understand women not wanting a frugal guy like me, and I'm not willing to date women with a bunch of consumer debt. It sucks but your partner can bankrupt you easily in HCOL areas.
>If I don't make enough money, guys aren't interested because they think I'd be using them for their money Curious, do you still get this if you take a relatively dutch approach to your dates? Or you do a "I'll get this one, you get the next one" kind of deal? I think guys really appreciate it when girls take care of the bill sometimes. Doesn't have to be grand meals/drinks. I'll be honest, there have been so many times when the girl I'm seeing just loses all interest when they realize I don't make a lot of money, make less than she does, or don't have expensive taste in food/drink.
This is exactly what I'm going through, too. I made a new friend last year that feels this way and I love taking to her about it. She helps me to feel just a little less totally alone. A relationship with her isn't going to happen (she's a big ol' lesbo) but our friendship is really growing and becoming meaningful to me. If you lived in my town I would feel lucky to meet someone like you and probably want to ask you out.
I think the secondary portion of the income disparity is lifestyle compatibility.
We had plans to go away for the weekend but she got the flu so we had to cancel and haven’t seen her in a week now. I really wanted to confront her about something she said last time we were together and waiting is killing me but I guess I’ll continue to be patient.
Going away with someone to confront them about something? That sounds a little scary… Can you not call her?
I’m 33f, single in Ontario. I feel like I’m doomed to be alone. I’m not the first person to make a post like this. I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. I’m attracting toxic men, all of them just want sex. Like. Holy shit. It’s every single one that I’ve talked to. I am a big woman, but I’m not terrible looking? I’m kind and thoughtful? I’m not asking for much- but I’m losing hope and it scares me cause I’m already heading towards my mid thirties. Anyways, I guess the reason for my post is- any advice? Or should I just give up? Thoughts?
Don't give up. There's always hope. You only have to meet the right person once. My advice is to find joy in the other parts of your life. Continue dating, but don't let it become the thief of your joy.
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23 dates so far, but I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. I haven't seen him for a week and he does not text often. For example I saw him last Friday, and he only texted me on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday (short conversations). He said work has been busy. I asked him if he wanted to meet this weekend. He said he has some other things to do, like family stuff and hobbies. He's trying to find time, but I feel like the last priority after all the other stuff has been taken care of.
There's probably a better looking person in the shadows my friend. He's weak.
Sadly you were right. I went to his apartment unannounced and caught them red-handed.
> He said work has been busy. I asked him if he wanted to meet this weekend. He said he has some other things to do, like family stuff and hobbies. He's trying to find time, but I feel like the last priority after all the other stuff has been taken care of. This part seems a lot more important to me than the texting. If someone isn't making time to see me once a week in their regular day-to-day life I think it's pretty clear evidence I'm not that high on their priority list.
Date this week did a bump of coke (or some other snortable drug) in the middle of our conversation. At a bar. On a Wednesday. Kept going with the convo to like nothing happened.
My date had 5 shots and drinks. Making him look tame.
My man. (jokes) (snooooort) :)
Someone did this in front of me recently. It was at my house at the end of the night, but I was not expecting the drugs. When I thought about it he had probably done it earlier when we were out, just out of my sight. Did not return his advances after that.
What
Damn that is bold! Was this a first date?
Did they at least offer you some?
The sign of a true friend.
Sadly, no
Wow, how rude.
I work in an industry where nights and weekends are required and I frequently work 50+ hours a week. I am finding it increasingly hard to date, even when I'm putting myself out there, making adaquit time for dates, and being upfront about my line of work. I can change my schedule somewhat to accommodate others, but I keep attracting men who think they can handle me being away and the long hours, but realize after a month or two they can't. I refuse to change my career to have a successful relationship. I need advice on how to make this work.
As a person who also has a somewhat hectic work schedule (continental/rotating 12hr shifts, works every other weekend etc) I’ve found that it’s just another compatibility requirement unfortunately. It’s the price you pay for the job you love. I once saw a girl who worked in a totally different but busy industry and somehow she had the exact schedule I did which was great. And then one day 4 months later, she got switched to the opposite shift as me and we both decided to end things as we would never have days off at the same time. The only advice I could share is to just keep being honest about it with potential matches if it gets to the 2nd or 3rd date stage. The right person will understand and be okay with it. Those who don’t (or say they do and then suddenly don’t later on, which sucks) just aren’t meant to be.
Date men with similar lifestyles.
I couldn’t work at all today, I was too nervous about seeing him one last time. I will have to make up for it over the weekend. He came by shortly to bring my stuff, my place was a mess so instead of buzzing him up I went downstairs. I asked to hug him, we had a long hug and he kissed me. I got teary eyed but didn’t cry. While I was talking he was looking into the distance behind me as always. I’ll try to remember it, to remind myself why I broke it off, the lack of attention I felt. He apologized for the kiss, I said no it was nice and then he left. I tried to walk a bit but felt like crying so went back to my apartment. Then he texted me. He hopes that we can be friends someday, but wants me to give him some space because this is really hard. I said I won’t contact him unless he contacts me and we wished the best to each other. I’ll see a friend on Sunday and will go on a trip with her next week but until then it will be hard. I have no plans for tonight, and I only have a music lesson tomorrow. It will be lonely. I envy him, he’ll be with his friends tonight. I started to use Bumble BFF again to find new friends, I think I need to prioritize that. Also taking a break from dating. I saw a top post here about someone calling it off with someone avoidant and then meeting someone whom they felt secure with. I’ll try to find and read more posts like that to give me hope. Writing this already helped so I’ll keep journalling, treat myself with something sweet and after journaling I’ll probably feel good enough to go over my bucket list to get myself excited about life and my future. With some uplifting music maybe.
The guy I was seeing ended things today (2 months, the 'is this going to be a real thing or not' moment). The motto I'm moving forward with? "If not this, then something better." I'm looking forward to someone I feel secure with, too!
I love your motto. You deserve better! Now we have space in our lives for something better. And thank you ❤️
My favorite Aunt had wise words for me. Men are like busses...another one will be along in a minute.
Female and got stood up for an online date! I was already there and I was waiting and then went on the app and realized he left the chat room when I was driving! Seriously, why can’t ppl be honest if they can’t meetup. I guess I get why ppl should confirm now.
If I'm meeting someone, I confirm a few times: The day before, a few hours before, and there should be some communication beforehand with something like "I'm on my way out the door, see you at 7 :)" I don't go out unless that is locked in.
I HATE that this level of verifying/checking is required. That said, I usually check in the day of to make sure it’s still on.
I really wish I had known. I assumed he would have informed me if he canceled, especially since he was the one who booked a reservation at a specific time and place a 1.5 days ago which we both confirmed. Instead, he deleted our chat just 40 minutes before we were supposed to meet, without saying anything! I guess lesson learned.
Report him in the app for that behavior.
I don’t see the report button bc he left the chat. Update: thanks. I reported him via email.
Posted this a year ago today https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/m3drRR4ner Turns out he was interested and today we celebrated our one year 🥰
There’s hope for us yet! Congrats!🎉🍾
Did he happen to reach out afterwards since he hadn’t yet or did you? Also congrats ⭐️
He reached out!
I remember reading that! Congrats on a year, that's lovely!
🥳🥳🥳
Congratulations 🥳
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
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Be excellent to one another! This is a safe space for all races, genders, sexual orientations, legal sexual preferences and humanity in general.
This is quite an assumption
Ok. People don't put more effort into hotter people.. I guess your eyes auto attract to unattractive people. Good stuff.
I don't understand, neither of those things has anything to do with your first comment
Nevermind homie.
Good thing im hideous
You are beautiful and hilarious
🥰
I like Danish man and I feel he likes me back. I just hope I don't scare him away! 😭
Mmmm, danish...
At what age did you know if you wanted kids or not? Did that ever change? I (32M) have always been fairly adament that I didn't want kids. It's felt like a scary commitment, like it would tie up my time and kill my freedom, and that I simply never could imagine spending \~20 years of my life helping another human learn how to function. That being said, it feels like I made my mind up years ago and have never come back to re-evaluate the decision, and I guess I don't know whether it's a hard no or an "I don't see it, but possibly". This distinction has emerged recently as I've been talking to an absolutely incredible woman (33F), who's adament about wanting kids. We've been close friends for a year and are attracted to each other, but never started anything because of the difference in family plans. However, we've recently been talking about how it might be a great match if it weren't for the one big problem -- we really click together and seem like we would have potential, but neither of us really wants to invest in a relationship that doesn't have the promise of forever (with kids being the big sticking point). So I guess this brings me to the question of whether anybody else here has experienced something similar and re-evaluated whether they'd be ok with kids later in life? What let you know you were making the right choice?
I was adamant I never ever wanted kids. But kids are a labour of love, they are definitely a product of the love you have with your partner. At 23 I met someone who meant the world to me and also I met my cute baby nephew. Both influenced me to change my mind. I waited for the yes from my partner to be ready 4 years later. They are so difficult to raise from 0-2 so you really need to have a strong relationship with open communication, teamwork and conflict resolution. But you have a mini-you running around and seeing them achieve things they never thought they could is so heartwarming. Giving them the best life makes you so proud and feel accomplished. If I could go back and change the past, I would have bought a house for stability first, gotten married before - now I see the importance of a public commitment and my last recommendation would be to actually discuss the nitty gritty about plan a, b and c of who is taking care of what with the baby, who is up during the night, the feeding, the nappies, the baths, giving the primary carer time to shower, get dressed, do hobbies, go out with friends alone, who is doing which house chores, the play dates/ sports lessons, the immunisations (heartbreaking cries), the finances. Basically you have to do all this extra stuff for 5-6 years until they go to school. Most begrudged parents don't get much time to themselves, but if you work as a team you will enjoy it. Hence the labour of love comment.
Tbh this stance is more common with men because they don’t grow and birth the baby. Men are much more take it or leave it when it comes to having kids. As a woman, I’ve always known and it’s never changed or faltered. No kids for me.
It’s pretty normal to prioritize personal freedom in your youth and *other things* like roots, belonging, family etc as you get older. There’s no shame in reevaluating your needs, wants, desires, priorities as you move in to a different season of your life. Whether you want kids or not, it’s worth keeping an open mind to change in either direction as you both age and encounter the realities of progressing through life.
I think as soon as I had my first relationship, at 23 (M here). I am very independent and live alone but if the really really right woman comes up then why not? I find that's the trickier part over kids.
So my oldest is 14... So somewhere between 14 and 15 years ago. Ex-wife (then wife though) said she wanted to try to have a kid, and while I never cared either way, I said sure. Really glad she wanted kids, cause my kids are awesome when they aren't being little shits. As much stress as they have caused, they have also enriched my world so much, and I'm happy I have both of them. All that being said, you should do some soul searching and figure out what you want, because I think at our age, we really shouldn't be wasting anybody's time with fence sitting...
Ladies, what do you think about an extremely extroverted person who is also extremely introverted and focus is a massive amount of their time on spiritual practices? I used to live as a Buddhist monk off the grid. Before that I was kind of a party animal. Those 2 parts of me have come into balance in my late 30s. I work in a major city, and spend the afternoon and evening there with friends seeing live music, hanging out, being gregarious etc. Basically any other time outside of that I live in a cabin on a nature sanctuary about 45 minutes outside of the city. When I'm there I almost exclusively practice meditation, play my instrument, do calligraphy, and Japanese formal flower arranging. Lots of yoga and tai chi too. Although I love hanging out with people, being in my cabin, being the best person I can possibly be through actively engaging in these spiritual pursuits, is a core part of my being. It's not a secret, but only close friends know I spend my time like this, since it's pretty outside the mainstream, and I'm not super into talking about it with random people I've never brought this stuff up with someone I was romantically interested in. Not sure what they would think. I need so much space to practice this stuff, but I'm totally down with sharing it, so it's not like I'm demanding a lot of alone time. That being said if a partner is not into it, I'm not gonna stop doing it, and will need my space. Which would eventually become a problem. Obviously every woman is different, and that's OK, I'm just curious about some peoples opinions!
you sound pretty self absorbed honestly.
Self absorbed is defined as a preoccupation with your own interests. So yea... I guess I am. A huge part of my spiritual life is also volunteering at homeless kitchens, teach meditation for free, and fostering animals. I'm pretty okay with my self absorption since my interests include helping animals and people
Ah, passive aggressive, self indulgent, spiritual bypassing. I'm sure you'll find your person, lots of folks like that out there.
Is there space for someone you feel safe and comfortable with to go to the cabin with you and practice their spirituality and do meditation with you? If not always, at least some of the time? Or does it have to be alone? This is a huge part of your life. I think it's time to fully embrace and be open about this side of you, even mention it on your profile in some way or another. So that any potential mismatches can self select themselves out of your dating pool, and potential matches who have a similar style of spirituality can be more inclined to connect with you. You might get fewer matches.... But it's only going to scare away the people with whom it wouldn't have worked anyway.
Well your best bet is to look for spiritual crunchy women. I would never date a man like this cause it’s so far off from me personally and I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time like that, or have my SO gone off doing that a majority of the time.
Not sure anyone here can give you the kind of answer you seem to be looking for. The questions I have are 1. How rigid are you when it comes to your schedule, what things you like to do, and how you want to do them? And 2. How do you see a partner, or whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for, fit with your life? You’ll have an easier time overall if you can be flexible and accommodating.
I used to dabble in the trippy festival scene. Friends I had who were into that scene had somewhat similar lives, but would maybe do outdoorsy stuff at the cabin instead of spiritualism. If you’d be okay with them doing their own thing for part of the cabin time, I definitely know a lot of people who would be into this lifestyle.
>Ladies, what do you think about an extremely extroverted person who is also extremely introverted and focus is a massive amount of their time on spiritual practices? Women are not a monolith. Different women will be happy with different traits in partners
That's why my last sentence says what it says!
Sounds cool to me. Women are as varied as men, not all of them will like it but someone for you is out there :)
Honestly? This. I can only speak for myself, but if I meet a woman who enthusiastically speaks about her life, her hobbies and her passions, it's really the enthusiasm I'm attracted to. It's all a matter of presentation, really. I wouldn't be attracted as much to a shy personality who isn't sure of how to talk about their niche interests. If that same person was 11/10 REALLY into talking about what excites them, I'm all ears, it doesn't really matter what the topic is! Have a bunch of cool plants at home? Cool! Great! Tell me all about them! Which ones are your favorite? Which ones do you want to add to your collection??
Kind of trying to start dating again after that very harsh breakup. I feel like I'm a lot better in person than on the apps. Besides, the few matches I get on apps are all incredibly scammy. A lot of profiles just redirect you to Onlyfans and similar. I don't go out for the purpose of dating, also because between finding my ex right away, the pandemic and basically clicking with both exes from the start I'm incredibly rusty. I go out to meet people, get their number, limit the conversation to a minimum so we can see each other in person. I did give my number to a girl yesterday but she still didn't text me. Another person cancelled on a date she proposed. I had to meet other female friends last Saturday but due to sheer bad luck (broken phones, people offline, a girl looking for me and telling me after she gave up trying) it's with the lads only. In all of this I'm not making dating a priority and focusing on myself first. I'll start therapy next week. I subscribed to a yearly pass at the gym, even though I didn't go this week as I always felt incredibly tired and/or depressed. I have these moments hence the therapy. I have a new job where I get along well, also outside work, with everyone more or less. A lot happened but in short this is kinda it.
It turns out I got all anxious about my first-ever app match for nothing. He can’t even speak English haha. 🥲 Gotta throw this one back into the ocean.
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That text sounds good to me. I agree with kaizofox, very carefully manage your expectations. Try to remind yourself that you could receive a response that isn't what you want.
Why did you break up and why did you both go no contact?
That sounds totally fine as an olive branch, but do keep your expectations in check. Whatever response you receive, even no response at all, is possible--- and completely OK. Just make sure YOU'RE ok with whatever happens next.
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If it's post break up, it means leave them alone unless they initiate contact.
Thank you, hurts but I appreciate the clarity. They don’t contact me, only respond, but have stopped about a week ago.
My boyfriend (39m) of 5 years and I (34f) are going through a rough patch and I am not sure if this is the end. We have been trying to have a baby, and had issues. We do not live together, are not married, and planned to do it as soon as we conceive. Neither of us could have known we'd have the trouble. I have been feeling the pressure to move forward; each month I am not pregnant is like salt on the wound since it also means no movement in my relationship. He doesn't see it this way. As i have pushed, it led to a big fight and now I haven't seen him in 10 days with only 2 texts from him dumping everything he is upset about. He thinks I only value his physical presence and that he live in my world of anxiety, that I just want him for a single role. I thought we wanted the same things and the same type of companionship and I don't think he appreciates that I am alone ALL OF THE TIME. He said he is not ok and will not be around for a few days (he said that on Sunday and now it is Friday). I'm just not sure how to process all of this. Keep in mind, this is a snippet of us; a crescendo of shit in what is generally a very happy and loving relationship. Where I am at now is I wonder if now is the time to call it, since he has literally just left me and is ignoring me. We are 5 years in, and this is not really the set up I imagined for myself and I thought we wanted the same things but it seems like we do not. Our coping skills also seem to be at odds with each other. I feel I am so old now and I'm not sure why the journey to motherhood/a traditional family seems to be an impossible task for myself. I guess all of this to say what is a reasonable amount of time to give him before I call it? EDIT: I should have clarified we basically live together. He has an apartment but 99% of the time is at my house. We both work from home so it has been more of a practicality more than anything.
If he basically lives there 99% of the time and you both work from home, how are you alone all of the time?
Sorry - i mean nights/after work. He works at his place. He goes with his friends all of the time - like every weekend, he goes on lots of weekend trips to mountain bike/ski/etc. wit hthem. He also comes late - like 8:00pm and leaves first thing in the morning. He doesn't realize how he just drops in and leaves. It's very lonely because as often as he is here, I do not feel I am his homebase.
So, just for clarification. Why are you waiting to move in and get married until after you're pregnant? It seems like (and I may be misinterpreting which is why I'm asking for clarification), that you won't do these things until you're pregnant and he wants to do them now rather than waiting. If that's the case, I can understand why he'd feel used. It feels like you won't commit to him unless he can give you a baby. Essentially, you are using him. If the whole relationship is contingent on you getting pregnant, then you have a horrible foundation for a relationship. This is like trying to fix a bad marriage with a kid. If you want the same things and you love him, why wait.
He wants to wait. Largely it is that we both WFH and my house is tiny, his apartment is smaller. We haven't wanted to buy a bigger house before we really need it. He is at my house every night or 5-6 nights a week. He was raised as an only child and suffers with pretty severe depression. He is someone who recharges alone and has always been alone and I think it is overwhelming for him. We both know that it couldn't work as it does now with a kid, and I think he likes the idea of not having to make the jump himself; of having a reason bigger than himself to be totally out of his comfort zone. He is an extremely present and committed partner. He makes me feel like a million bucks when we are together. I actually love our life as it is now, but I do know that with a child, it would need to change for the sake of the child - something we both desperately want. He thinks I only value his presence when he is with me physically, I feel like he is gaslighting me for saying I need movement towards a more traditional set up. It's messy because I do think we have something special but maybe this is something we just can't ever move past.
Then I withdraw everything I said. Interpreted it backwards.
You’re absolutely in a rough situation. I don’t want to speak for you, but if I were in your shoes it would feel as though my relationship is dependent on being able to have kids - which is a lot of stress. Not everyone is capable of conceiving. Have you guys had a discussion about what would happen if you weren’t able to conceive? Would the relationship end or would you progress without children or adopt, etc. I can completely understand wanting the security that your partner will be there without conditions outside your control. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask for that security if that’s what you need - I know it’s what I’d need personally.
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He is extremely on board with having a child.