Build a shield mentally that nearly every single possible negative interaction has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU PERSONALLY. Especially ghosting. Think of ghosting as learning kung fu in the matrix and you just dodged a bullet. Also be kind and don't ghost yourself.
I recommend your goal should be to find a match, gel briefly in convo and get to that first date ASAP. Too much convo can cause unnecessary pedestals and fantasy building of the other person. I am also a big fan of having only one expectation in the first date and nothing else: do I want a second date with this human being? And me personally if its yes to indifferent, then yes I do. This entire paragraph is entirely my own opinion.
Your first attempt at a profile probably won't be good. That isn't your fault, it's just that making a good profile and taking good pictures are skills that don't come naturally to most people. I'd recommend getting your first attempt reviewed by friends, or people on this subreddit.
Don't get too invested into someone before meeting in person. Texting is just a quick check to make sure they're a sane person who's interested. It's so easy to build up a false intimacy by texting for days or weeks and then to meet in person and realize there is no chemistry.
If you're a man seeking women, you'll have a better experience if you pay the subscription and sort by recently active.
As far as the apps go, Hinge is the best one right now. Some people like Bumble, but I personally haven't had much luck with it.
(1) Manage your expectations: you're gonna try to meet some people and see what happens. You're probably not going to meet the love of your life on your first date.
(2) Run it in the background, don't make it your life. Don't invest so heavily in it that the number or quality of matches becomes a major determining factor of how healthy your self esteem is.
(3) Be intentional: match with people who genuinely seem interesting to you. Know what kinds of things you're looking for in a relationship
(4) Focus your attention. Make liberal use of pause functionalities. Only commit to conversations with people who seem interesting and whose dating goals align with your own. Don't overwhelm yourself by matching with too many people.
(5) Follow through: The goal is to go on dates. If you're not planning to meet up with folks you like you're wasting your time.
Go slow, don't take it too seriously, remember that these are online interactions so you're getting a curated version of this person, and use good photos.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend about compatibility, and I wonder what you all think:
When she dates, she finds someone she “has a good connection with” first, and then figures out along the way if they are more of a fit on paper (same goals, same lifestyle preferences).
I said that I’d rather find that out first, even before I hang out with this person. For example, she was surprised that I bring up my child-free preference on or before the first date. She thinks that in general, when two people like each other enough, then their preferences will eventually merge through shared experiences (leading to similar personalities) and compromise.
I think she’s a bit too idealistic, but she thinks I’m likely missing out on a lot of good potential partners by eliminating too early. There’s probably a middle ground here, but what do you all think?
> when two people like each other enough, then their preferences will eventually merge through shared experiences (leading to similar personalities) and compromise
I think that, as a matter of fact, this is an accurate description of how many relationships form in our early/mid-20s. People's lives are less put together, so there's more room for people to come together over mutual connection and attraction and figure life out from there. In our 30s, our lives are more defined, so it's harder for relationships to form in the same way. Perhaps your friend is basing her view of relationships on her experience of how things worked when she was 24.
I think it is naive at best to assume that that is just *how relationships work*, as your friend seems to think. But I also wouldn't rule out entirely the idea that preferences can shift and merge in a relationship. Perhaps not *every* preference (being child-free is a good example of something that's probably set in stone), but not *none* either. I know that I personally nearly torpedoed the very good relationship I'm in because it did not at first seem to check all the boxes on my predefined list of happiness criteria. That doesn't mean I'm less happy now than I would have been had every box been checked -- on the contrary, I don't think it gets better than this -- but it does mean I let my sense of what would make me happy adapt to the circumstances in which I found myself.
I had a friend recently end a nine-year relationship because they had a long-standing disagreement on whether they want kids, and it finally made the relationship untenable. Compatibility "on paper" matters a lot.
> She thinks that in general, when two people like each other enough, then their preferences will eventually merge through shared experiences (leading to similar personalities) and compromise.
I think this can be true for a lot of low-to-medium importance things. In a good relationship partners do let the other influence them. But for the big ticket items like desire to have kids, sexual compatibility, where you want to live, I don't think it's as true. There you really need to have some foundation of compatibility (which isn't to say you need to be identical on these big ticket issues, just close enough).
I think I agree with your friend but a lot of people think like you. The reality I see is that humans change. They change a lot depending on who they are around. I have my behaviors and what I want out of life but they are flexible. I mean 5 years ago I didn’t want kids and now I do. I personally think what matters more is connection and how well you get along, as well as shared interests. I’ve had a lot of dates where it looked good on paper but the connection was missing and I’d rather be dating someone where the paper didn’t look so good but we had a middle ground and enjoyed each others company. I think dating apps kind of force us to look at the “paper” stuff a lot and maybe that’s why they are so terrible for a lot of people.
This is how people who want to be child free end up marrying people who want kids. This is such a bad strategy. You're going to invest time and emotional energy into someone only to realize 6 months, a year, 3 years down the road that you're fundamentally incompatible. So someone compromises. They grow resentful, and eventually, the relationship implodes.
I'm like you, I need to know the dealbreakers and fundamentals from the jump.
I think it can be a mix, but I’m also in favor of having conversations about big dealbreakers early on. It still baffles me that people get divorced over a difference in wanting children, like it never came up over the entire course of their relationship.
Me personally—I like to get to know someone and see if we vibe, but nothing will turn me off quicker than a glaring incompatibility.
Honest take here: tell him *exactly this*. Say that you got anxious about sharing details and you fibbed so that you seemed relatable.
GUYS DIG HONESTY, AND FESSING UP TO MISTAKES-- especially from women or romantic partners. I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.
You'll feel better about telling the truth, he'll feel respect for you (I guarantee it). Everybody wins.
I got dumped by text after finally having sex with a guy I was seeing for months. I posted about him before. He was so into me and exuberant at the beginning. Texted me nonstop, told me repeatedly how much he liked me, kept a toothbrush for me at his apartment, and talked about all these future plans.
He started pulling back and bailed on a date claiming he had COVID about a week or two after we were intimate. I now think he lied about being sick to get out of plans because he started distancing himself right around then. I asked him about the change and he ignored it. We kept talking, but the enthusiasm was gone.
This past week he had been staying up later, but not because he was talking to me, so, I knew something was up. I think he met someone else. Yet, he kept calling me pet names and telling me how much he was going to miss me when he was out of town for a wedding. He even said he would bring me as his date if he could and joked about our future wedding. He texted throughout the weekend, but it was pretty low effort albeit flirty.
I called him on Sunday to catch up, but he ignored my call claiming he was “traveling.” I now realize this was a lie because his texts hadn’t gone through that morning for a few hours which pointed to him already having flown back. He told me he’d “touch base later.” Then, kept me waiting for 8 hours. He told me bluntly he was too tired to talk, but wanted to “touch base on a few things tomorrow” which left me with major anxiety. I asked if everything was okay and he claimed it was, using my pet name again.
Cue to yesterday, he said he was going to reach out in the morning and he didn’t. I called and he ignored it claiming he was in a meeting, but that he could text. He didn’t text me back. I ask again what’s up, mention it seems like he is avoiding something, and he again leaves me waiting for 13+ hours despite being active on Facebook and uploading photos all day.
At 10 pm, he finally texts and proceeds to tell me that I was right about previously calling him out about the shift between us and how it was cooling down. He gave some typical HR bs about how I’m so great, but he’s not in a place for romance. I hadn’t seen him in almost a month and the last time I saw him we had sex for the first time. I have known this guy for almost 15 years and he literally just led me on and lied to get sex from me. I feel so used and icky. He also knows I’m going through a hard time and spiraling before this breakup, as my dog just died and I’m studying for the Bar Exam. I’m so upset and have more trust issues than ever now. I told him off, but it didn’t help me feel any better and he didn’t respond. I just can’t believe I got duped again. :(
**Hugs** I am also studying for the bar, and I can’t imagine going through a breakup right now.
He sucks. There is no doubt about it. How he handled this was awful.
But right now, you need it to **not matter**. We sit for the bar in 28 days. You have four weeks. **Four weeks**.
Buckle up. Compartmentalize this. Sit your ass down at your laptop and no matter how hard it is, boot up Adaptibar and do 100 MCQs. Then get up and stretch, then do 100 more. Then watch whatever lecture is up next. Then outline a couple essays. Then do an MPT. Then do some more AdaptiBar. Then, if you have Barbri, revisit the dude who did the very first essay lecture - the one who is kind of hot and was like, “If you don’t know a rule on an essay, *make one up*.”
Do NOT let this fuck with you.
He doesn’t matter right now.
All that matters is passing the bar.
Got it? Good.
Feel free to DM me if you’re struggling and need a kick in the ass.
Thank you for your kindness and the motivation! Need this tough love!
It’s definitely been hard since losing my dog and then he goes and pulls this. But I shall persevere and get my mind back in the game.
I might take you up on messaging you for more motivation and help. Thank you💙
It SUCKS. No doubt about it. I went through a shitty breakup in the summer after 1L, when I was already emotionally fragile because holy shit, 1L. I wallowed, I dwelled, and I missed out on a shitload of networking / social events during my first summer associateship.
And then sometime in august, I had to get my shit together because holy fuck, 2L.
You don’t have the luxury of time to dwell right now. There will be NO WALLOWING.
If you can’t focus, here are some tricks: don’t work off of digital outlines. Print those fuckers, 3-hole punch them, and put them each in their own 1” binder. Use at least five different highlighter colors to highlight each portion of a rule or statement of law in different color, so that it operates as a checklist rather than an incomprehensible paragraph. For example, the rule of negligence would have each element is a different color, e.g. duty in yellow, breach in hot pink, actual causation in green, proximate causation in orange, and damages in blue highlighted in yellow. (Make sure to put a thick piece of card stock underneath the page you are highlighting so that you don’t get highlighter bleed onto the next page). Do this while you’re watching the lecture videos, and play the videos at 1.5 speed so that you are forced to keep up and not let your mind wander.
Whether you have Barbri, Themis, Helix, Quimbee, whatever - spend the money on the JD Advising on sheets for the MBE and MEE. They’re 25% off for the next few days. It’s absolutely worth it.
Do not passively read the outlines. Actively engage with the parts of the ones you are struggling with.
And even then, reading and even engaging with the outlines is a waste of time. Do adaptibar Qs and **log your errors**. It is crucial to know whether you missed a Q because you didn’t know the law, or because it was reading comprehension, or because you were tricked by a fact… whatever. This will help you narrow your focus on your problem areas. If nobody provided you with an error log template, I’m serious: DM me. I have a throwaway email account that I can and will use to send you mine.
The point I’m getting at here is **stay busy and stay focused**. The usual breakup advice (engage with hobbies! hang out with friends! make new ones!) is useless to you right now. But that’s FINE because you have MORE THAN ENOUGH to keep yourself distracted from thinking about the breakup.
And every time your mind DOES wander to it, stop, hit pause on the lecture video or whatever, and force yourself to write down the elements of adverse possession, or res ipsa, or a private nuisance and public nuisance, or how much π recovers if there are 3 ∆s, the jury awarded 100k, ∆1 is 10% at fault, ∆2 is 25% at fault, ∆3 is 65% at fault, and the jurisdiction applies comparative contribution. Then ask yourself what the rule is if ∆2 and ∆3 are both insolvent. Write the rule down. And just keep doing this - i.e., knowledge vomit. Just free associate whatever comes to your mind and write that shit down. To what kind of agreements does the § of frauds apply? What is the Erie doctrine? When do we get to admit hearsay within hearsay? What’s a recorded recollection? What is a Terry Stop? What are the elements of a valid claim for IAC? What are the elements of a valid will? What are the four major categories of abstention? Etc.
The point of all of this? Punish yourself for thinking about him / the breakup lol and then go back to whatever you were working on. Especially if it’s secured transactions because holy shit, fuuuuuuuck secured transactions!
We’ve got this. We’re going to crush it. Just stay the course. You can be sad about the breakup when it’s over, but right now, your attention needs to be bar prep.
**tough love hug**
I’m so sorry! I totally feel your pain and I’m sending you virtual hugs!
People can be selfish, disrespectful and cruel. Don’t let their behaviour change you to be like them. It sucks terribly - I should know; but this too shall come to pass and will be an experience you’ll look back on with gratitude thinking, Thank God I never ended up with that person! You can trust me on that! Best wishes with the bar! xx
(And bc it’s possible he just wasn’t feeling it after sex. It’s happened to me, and it’s happened to plenty of women. It’s almost like it’s a… human thing.)
Well, he lied then. He told me repeatedly he had such a strong sexual connection and strong romantic energy with me and that he felt so much towards me.
I'm so sorry this happened. How he treated you, and led you on, and made you wait until he finally come clean, was awful. Ignoring your texts and calls, even though I'm guessing he knew it would cause you a lot of anxiety, is pretty callous.
And I know this doesn't mean much because of how you're feeling now, but it's not a reflection of who are you that you were treated like this. It does definitely feel humiliating when we feel we've been used by someone, so i do empathise with you there. But be kind to yourself. This is on him.
And the fact that you've known him for so long too! Wow. I'm so sorry.
And I'm so sorry about your dog, too❤️
Good luck with your studies😊
You’re so kind. Thank you for your sweet words.🥹💖
You are so right about this being all about him and not me. He was cruel to leave me waiting, especially since he knows I suffer from anxiety. A good guy would never do that and I’m better off without someone like him. At least he finally showed his true colors!
I just feel like I can’t trust my gut or intuition, as he really did seem different and all about me. I’m so mad he let this drag out when he had no feelings for me at all. He blatantly lied and fabricated the relationship. I already have trust issues, so, this was not what I needed. It’s another lesson to be sure, but I’ll come out stronger.
As corny as this is going to sound (but it's true!!), the only thing we can do in these situations is learn from them. That's what it's all about, I guess. In time, you can look back and maybe notice things that you missed in the moment. Certain behaviours that seemed innocuous at the time.
But it is hard, because we're human. We like to believe what people say. We like to feel like we can trust them. Unfortunately, you get people like that guy who take advantage of it. But don't let it stop you from getting out there and finding someone (when you're ready!) who does treat you with the respect and love you deserve.
And you *definitely* will come out stronger!!💖
Yeah, looking back, I think he love bombed me, which is a huge red flag! Healthy relationships don’t start out that way. They usually start slow and then the passion follows later.
You’re so sweet. Thank you so much for your thoughtful input. 💕
I had finally signed up for a local dating service that I said I would after my last breakup. I'm feeling ambivalent about it but keeping an open mind. I have a screening call with them tomorrow so let's see how that goes!
I have not gotten back onto the dating apps, so I will give this dating service a go before I'm back on them.
I have also published the Singles Running Club event, shared with people I know who can help to spread the word. My initial goal is to get 40pax, based on the current sign up rate. 10pax wld be gold!
I also saw Mr Peppa at training this morning. For some reason seeing him really riles me up. I have yet to unpack those emotions fully. I didn't expect that to feel this resentful towards him.
Im still hopeful of meeting my person. Focusing on my lane will get me there, slowly & yet surely.
Good luck with your running group. Out curiosity will it be running 1st and dating 2nd or friendships over dating? I've seen hobby activity/groups like having a strong foundation and throwing dating in there could cause a lot of revolving doors in activity. Just curious to your approach.
im going on a second date tomorrow. i am healed to date, im in a great place to date but i do not want to date. i am going on dates but not dating …
its not that i don’t want to find the one. that of course would be great but i have zero desire to put in the effort dating and building relationships take. im ok with the outcome of not having a fruitful dating life. my time/efforts have been with friends and it’s (social life) something i am so proud ive built for myself over the past year. im an introvert and if it were up to me would be happy locking myself in for months at a time. it takes a lot of effort and energy for me to go out and be social weekly. but I am enjoying it. and it’s important for my mental health to stay busy and have things to look forward to.
im at the place where im open to meeting someone but not willing to sacrifice my time or share my space. it would take someone who is willing to see me when i want to see them. if I end up needing to chose myself and a bed rot day and cancel i will. I know it’s selfish and it’s why I don’t want to date.
I (36F) met up with a match because he(43M) seems my speed and so far things are very simple. We do not text much which is a relief after matching with people that want to talk daily all day long. He immediately set a second date after our first went well. That was supposed to be yesterday but I rescheduled for tomorrow. Was in a mood. Let him know that. He also tentatively scheduled a 3rd if tomorrow goes well and before I book up my weekend.
I plan on telling him where im at and make sure we’re on the same page about our (lack of) communication styles and if it’s something that he prefers or is bothered by but not saying anything and me assuming because it benefits me lol. it feels very mature, normal. I will say lack of texting has made zero space for getting to know each other or creating a bond but im ok with doing that slowly in person date by date. idk why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to self reflect to make sure I keep doing the right thing and being honest along the way.
“ im at the place where im open to meeting someone but not willing to sacrifice my time or share my space. it would take someone who is willing to see me when i want to see them. if I end up needing to chose myself and a bed rot day and cancel i will. I know it’s selfish and it’s why I don’t want to date.”
RELATABLE.
Thank you for writing this! I (36F) relate SO much. It's good to know there are other people out there with the same feeling about dating/ going on dates.
I’ve known the guy I’m seeing for a year now (dating on and off for half that time) and for that entire year, I have been working the same schedule. I almost never miss work. I have gone over to his house after work countless times.
Last week, on Wednesday, I told him I really wanted to do something fun, and he said he never plans dates “because he doesn’t know my schedule.” I sent him my schedule for the entire week, hour by hour, which has never changed—not once.
I was supposed to go over to his place on Sunday and texted “omw” after work. He messaged back and said “can you wait at your place for a bit? I’m with my parents.”
I declined because it is a 40 minute commute to his place from my job and 40 minutes to my home. Going home first would’ve added almost a 2 hour commute and I was already exhausted.
I sent him a few tersely worded texts reminding him that he knows my schedule. He should’ve known it before I sent him the freaking calendar. In response, he told me to “stop jumping all over him.” At no point do I belittle or insult. I just said “I just sent you my schedule and I have worked the same hours the entire time we have known each other” to let him know I felt frustrated and disappointed.
I’m so sick of this low effort bs. No accountability. No forethought.
I would not have the patience for this. I’ve been seeing a man for 3 months and he knows my schedule because it also does not change much.
This guy is showing you that he doesn’t respect your time.
I’m considerate of peoples time so if thats not important to someone else then we’re not going to get along. Has it happened before? Have you asked for what you need directly? Have you established what you are to one another? I understand the lengths you’ve gone to. In my experience I was 100% direct and kind, I got my answer and quite honestly that was the easiest break up of my life. It’s also okay to be sad about someone not being what you need. All you can do is ask, but if it’s not there, the frustration of staying in it, is on you.
Good luck.
Nope out of that situation. I want to go for someone that's excited to plan dates with me. Why couldn't you meet his parents? My guess another woman was over?
That's my guess too. Doesn't make much sense to tell her to wait if he's with his parents. My ex gave me a key to his place after we had been together for about 6 months. We also live about 40-60 minutes apart (depending on traffic), and sometimes I'd get to his place before he was home from work, so he gave me a key so I could let myself in. What I have unfortunately realized is that in my early 20's, it was much easier to trust guys. Now, you never know who's hiding what, or what skeletons might come out.
I have met his parents. Even if he had asked me to come over to see his parents I would’ve declined. I’d just worked for 10 hrs and wasn’t in the mood to do anything except veg out and cuddle. What is so irritating is he keeps insisting he “doesn’t know my schedule”
And what’s more, I told him on the spot that I would like an apology. Historically he doesn’t apologize and to avoid resenting him I’ve learned to just ask for an apology if I feel it’s owed.
He apologized and then said “I’d like an apology as well” for “being mean to him.” I fucking refused. I am not going to apologize for expressing that I’m frustrated and disappointed about a verifiably frustrating and disappointing occurrence.
Due to a very unfortunate boil on my bikini line, I had to invest in a bunch of loose-fitting men’s boxer shorts because even boyshorts and women’s boxer-briefs were too pinchy and painful.
When I was married, my spouse hated when I wore unflattering underwear and at one point asked me to replace all my comfortable mismatched underwear with “sexier, matching sets” so I was really unsure what new guy would think about my new boxers but he was super chill about it! He told me how comfortable they looked and how soft the material felt, and that he hoped they were helping me feel more comfortable. And he still wanted to get freaky with me! Which is good because I’m going to have to wear these boxers for several more weeks until the boil heals.
Ugh, your ex sounds awful. I love wearing that type of stuff around the house. Soooo much more comfortable than women's underwear. My ex thought it was cute when I wore it, but guys I've met since him seem to want women to just wear "feminine" stuff. I'm planning to sell my house and move back to a blue state in the next 6 months. Can't get out of here fast enough, especially with the election coming up. I need some more open minded men who aren't all into keeping up appearances with gender roles. Even one guy I dated who seemed more open minded, and said he was socially liberal, was still doing things just taking my dog's leash out of my hand because he said it looked like I "needed help." He was apparently trying to be "proactive," which basically translates to "manly." But she's my dog, and if something had happened when he did that, like she ran off, I would have probably honestly murdered him right then and there.
New guy sounds much better than the ex!
I once wore my period undies with someone (and the pair I happened to choose to wear that day were brightly coloured boyshorts) and was feeling bloated and unsexy but their eyes actually lit up when they saw me in them, apparently it looked cute. It's so uplifting when people can appreciate you like that!
Felt bloated. Felt fat. Felt unpretty. PMSing. Whatever. Went to work intending to keep a low profile. Dodge my work crush so he don't see how disgusting I am. Another coworker kindly tells me to cut back on sugar. UGLY CONFIRMED. Just fuck all. I give up.
I felt that it's a cultural thing for him. We're friendly so I took it as him meaning well. He had no idea how I was feeling at the time, so it was really bad timing to mention it. If it came from anyone else, I'd be pissed. You're right, though.
I'm sending a shirt I borrowed from her back, along with some tickets I purchased for us in a few months. I got non refundable ones I was so sure this would work out. I wrote down my feelings and apologized for being so passive.
I felt like a teenager again when I was around her. I basically started hanging out instead of actively trying to date and woo her, though she gave me the most go ahead signals I've ever gotten. The first real connection and I become so unconfident, because it was all on the line for once.
I hope she finds her peace and someone, and I hope I can forget sooner rather than later.
Nah, y’all definitely should have had a DTR convo.
I’ve had at least 2 situations in which a guy I was seeing started calling me his girlfriend/whatever to a specific group of people, but would refuse to actually have that conversation with me. And it never ended well.
That’s not to say this is what happened here, but validating you on the uncomfortable feelings.
I’m too old to be confused so I’m pretty clear and direct about saying I need a guy to ask me to move to the next steps. How I feel is just what works for me but I don’t get invested until I’m ready and when he asks. If someone calls me something to others that we haven’t discussed then it feels like it’s more about bragging rights than genuinely wanting a connection between the two of us. If his words to me don’t match his actions then I need to consider if this is right for me. Nobody decides a title for me without talking to me, it’s rude and shows me they care more about what others think than building trust between the two of us. Caveat by saying I always make it know about being asked. Personally I would take a step back, say it’s soured things that it was wasn’t discussed, explain it’s left me feeling uncomfortable and take some space. Either the conversation will happen and we will want to work on making decisions together in future or I would get the ick and move on.
If he "read the room" correctly and started to refer to you as his gf, I think it's fine. I had one guy was apparently referring to me as his gf/girl he was dating, to people *after* I rejected him...
I would rather have a talk for defining the relationship nowadays. Back in 2015 when I dated someone from OkCupid (RIP OG OKC), we never had that talk but he said he was deleting his profile after a few months in and that's all I needed to know that we were a couple. And we would refer to each other as gf/bf, met families, friends, etc.
Now in freaking 2024, I can't do that anymore bc I've encountered ghosters, people with avoidant attachments, dating people for 2 months "hinting" that things are heading into relationship territory only for the rug to be pulled put from you...I need a solid answer for what we are. Dating is just too complex now for me to not have that talk.
>He said he likes things to just progress organically and he figured things were progressing fine without having to label it.
I must have misunderstood this bit.
As someone who waited 2 months and got dumped minutes before I was going to ask to be official. If you want it, just do it. You'll get your answer and sooner is better than later. Sooner you can start the next good chapter when you feel ready, later and it doesn't work you'll want the healing time to have started.
I (30f) met a guy (38m) on a dating app mid May. He was located out of state but planning to relocate to my area mid June. We chatted consistently for three weeks. When he moved here he texted me that he was here. We went back and forth a bit but the conversation fizzled. I texted him the next week saying I was open to meeting and never got a response- it’s been like 9 days. The moving from out of state is definitely a red flag but confirmed, a total waste of time! Venting…
What made you go for a guy that wasn't in state yet? Whenever I see people who's profile says they're moving to my city/state, I pass unless its like NEXT week.
I don't wanna chat for a month before the first meeting. And even then... kinda gives me a bad vibe when they are searching for people in the place the are moving too. Gives me the vibe of "I don't want to be alone for even a moment"
Sucks that you got your time wasted.
He didn’t lead with it so I was already chatting when he brought it up. Idk- I am usually on the same board as you but thought I would mix it up! Wrong.
Been seeing a man for just shy of 2 months. We had a discussion recently saying neither of us are still using the dating apps, nor seeing other people, and that we both said we don’t like multi-dating. Following this conversation we stopped using condoms during sex.
I saw today that he has updated his dating app profile within the last few days - following spending most of the weekend together and having (what I thought) was an incredible time. He makes future plans casually all the time and when together it feels like we’re “together”.
Why do people do this?? I’m so confused. Planning to send him a message to clarify but would love insight from anyone who’s been either side of this.
I hate this for you. Agreeing with whoever said y’all needed to delete your profiles together.
Speaking as the person who found out their *fiancé* was still paying for 2 dating apps. I wish I had ended it then instead of getting divorced later.
Next time you need to delete your profiles together. Unfortunately, it sounds like things are over with this guy. He's clearly still using the app, and has severely damaged any trust that was there. I personally wouldn't bother confronting him, as he'll likely make up an excuse. Just because you didn't use the word "exclusive" doesn't mean anything. He said he wasn't using the apps. He lied. Call him out on it and call it a day. Don't put up with any BS he tries to peddle you.
Obligatory "How do you know he's updating his profile unless you're checking the app too?" lol
But seriously, I think sometimes the app will flip around the main photo based on which is most popular. Could be that. If he's actually updating it with new info and stuff I'd be hurt by that. If you're having unprotected sex with the condition of exclusivity, it is absolutely unacceptable for him to still be pursuing others and putting feelers out there.
I mentioned on here a while ago that me and the guy I'm dating had the "are we exclusive" convo 3 weeks into dating and deleted our apps. I got some pushback from people saying that was way too big of a step, too soon. To me it's not the end of the world to delete it. Is downloading it and making a new profile if things don't work out that much of an imposition?
I'm glad you plan on addressing it with him. My position is just delete the app if you're pursuing one person. Mentally it fucks with you to continue to be trolling around on those things. You're right to be confused.
Ha. Wasn’t checking the app per se - was talking about my weekend with him to a friend today and she asked to see his profile (don’t use social media so that’s the only way I could really show any photos of him!) Mine has been paused for a while and was going to delete this week - I’ve not used it since I met him.
It’s a new photo I know he took this weekend so isn’t it flipping around old photos unfortunately.
Yeah I’m mostly hurt as we’ve had that discussion and now I’ve got evidence he’s still using it in direct contradiction to what he said. Particularly to be having unprotected sex on top - it feels like a violation of trust.
I will say we didn’t use the word “exclusive” but it was very much neither of us are dating any one else, don’t want to, and have stopped using apps. I’m going to text him and be very direct asking where he sees us - I’m hurt and turned off by this as I really thought we were on the same page and I am really developing feelings for him.
I would also be hurt and questioning things. Proud of you for addressing it and being direct. I feel like women (or just people in general) these days feel pressure in dating to be "chill" and aloof about everything but it's such bullshit. I could ramble on and on about that lol, but I just want to make the point I think it's awesome you're sticking up for yourself by seeing something and saying something. If dating has taught me anything it's that people and their motivations are weird. Why waste your precious time? You got this!!
Edit: this was resolved and one of the commenters happened to be correct, he didn’t know how I’d feel about some of the future uncertainty which is why he phrased it that way. :
So, about two months ago, I (30F) met this guy (39M). We clicked right away on our first date and chatted for hours, like six hours. The second date was another six hours, lol, and it just kept going like that. By the third date, he wanted to be exclusive. We went on five official dates, with some meet-ups in between, like visiting free museums and just strolling around. He was always the planner, and I didn’t want to seem like I couldn’t plan, so I planned a great fifth date for us! After that, he texted me the next day saying he decided to quit his job and travel longer than he initially planned (I knew he had planned travel coming up but only for a month). He said he’d understand if I didn’t want to see him for now. When I asked how long he’d be gone, he didn’t give a specific answer, just that he was thinking of extending his travel a little longer. What do you all think of this? Any advice on how I should or shouldn’t move forward? Or was I just being led on from the beginning?
Lets just do some math here, you met him two months ago. Do you not have any trips planned out for two months? Are you not allowed to plan out for 2 months in case you meet someone? Those questions are meant to cause a reaction, fyi.
I am him in my very new relationship, being gone a week at a time for trips I planned last year. It's just communication. I let her know that I will be busy, but I want to dedicate time to us. We scheduled out phone calls to have while I'm gone. It's not hard, but does take an ounce of effort and understanding.
Yes, obviously he’s allowed to plan out trips and go on them lol. I also have a 3 week trip planned around the same time, he’ll be in a similar area, but that’s not the point. He didn’t give me an option. He literally said, 'Hey, I wanted to let you know that my time here will be ending soon. I fully understand if you don’t want to continue seeing each other. I’m going to be traveling for a few months and might even extend that further.' This sounds like a breakup message to me, right? Or was I supposed to say, 'No, it’s okay, let’s see where this goes'?"
He's doing the "Good Guy Thing" (trying to differ from the nice guy) where he says something and then says the opposite so he doesn't have to take a stand/offend you. It's the same move as "We can go to a movie, or if you don't like movies how about the mall? But if you don't like the mall, we can get dinner" All without you answering. He's nervous, jumping the gun, and probably a sprinkle of self sabotage. He's afraid to bring you into his unsureness. Assertive language is very hard when it's not practiced.
You can say the boss thing and look him in the eye (or video call) and say "I want to see you again. Safe travels and I will see you when you get back. In the meantime, let's plan a time to call each other so we can still stay in touch" It's hard to not say "we can plan calls, if you want...if you're free...etc.." There is a difference between being demanding and assertive.
Assertive is "I would like to schedule regular calls for US, what works for you?" vs Demanding is "I want you to call me". My partner and I still in the dating phase and I will tell her, "I would like us to do something for Fourth of July. I am thinking of Fireworks, what are your thoughts on that?" Direct and open to criticism/change.
Thanks for the advice! I hadn’t thought of it that way. It seemed like he was giving me an out, probably because everything’s so up in the air with him. I also felt that way because he always seems so confident when we speak. He didn’t reply back to my last message which was something like “It doesn’t sound like there’s very much opportunity to see each other for the time being or to even reconnect in the future.” Not sure how to come back from that lol
I wouldn't say led on, but it seems like he's prioritizing his own personal journey and probably had already been leaning towards jumping into the unknown, as in extending his plans of extensive traveling/backpacking. I think keep the door open but also keep further expectations very low.
Thank you, I think I will. He just returned from backpacking the week we met and is going again in 2 weeks so I think perhaps this was the plan all along and I kindve came in randomly in the middle lol.
As someone who likes big trips, I have a big concern how a trip impacts my dating life. It is very difficult to date seriously in the time before a long trip. He sounds like someone who might use travel as an escape, and him extending the trip in the face of what could be a promising match is a big red flag. If you really like him, I’d keep the door open for when he gets back, but overall I would proceed with high caution
I see. I do believe once he told me this, I was the most confused by him looking for a ltr before such taking a long trip. But in his mind it was up in the air and he’s just decided to do this. Thanks for your advice. I just felt like it’s all so sudden when things were going very well. He’s leaving in 2 weeks.
Was she more specific about what she wants? "Open up more" is *very* vague. It would probably be helpful if she was more specific about what she would like from you.
Vulnerability can't be forced. Deep emotional connections take time to build. They can't be forced into existence to meet some relationship milestone your gf has in mind (if that's what is going on).
My boyfriend and I love this game so much! We play in different dating stages, then revisit some questions in the past. I'd suggest that both of you have mutual understanding and agreement on this game. My boyfriend gave me a head up that his answers could be changed in the future or under other circumstances, that's fair.
You bought the game, so that's a step in the right direction. I probably wouldn't refer to it as cringy to her, though.
If she doesn't know about it yet, invite her over for dinner. Cook a nice meal, candles, soft music... then whip it out....the game, I meant the game.
I think she knows. She knows about it at least I had mentioned how I found a cringy card game and she said it sounded great to play. We probably gonna play it on the 4th, We had a day planned and she was wanting an afternoon game or something and it came in today.
My partners get in tomorrow. Haven't seen them in a month. I'm unexpectedly excited, which probably sounds odd to most of you, but I generally don't get to up or to down about things. We went longer without seeing each other last summer. That's it. That's all I got today.
>>I’m unexpectedly excited
I believe you, but - and I say this with genuine affection - I’m also picturing you going, “This *is* my excited face,” and laboriously shifting your expression from 😐 to 🙂… so now I kinda want to know what your excited face looks like. For science.
Also, I’m very happy for you!! I hope you are riding high on all the reunion warm and fuzzies!!
eh, if they don't reply, just start sending photos of a swamp. Maybe they'll block you, maybe they'll be intrigued, maybe you'll end up learning a lot about swamps
He actually did respond. We had a short conversation on the whatsapp. But mid conversation he didn’t respond anymore and he didn’t continue it today so i archived the conversation and I am done.
That's not the dumbest question ever. The dumbest question here would have been, "Will you marry me?" Followed closely by "Have you seen my orange sock?" Your question is, maybe in the top 30%.
I met this guy a couple of months ago and he gave me a really good feeling. It seemed to be mutual. But it was in a situation where neither of us could make a move.
Since then, I've been going back and forth about what to do. I think I'm just going to go for it and reach out and see if he wants to be friends. I have nothing to lose. The timing will never be perfect. I just have to go ahead and do this.
I don't know if he's single or if we'd be compatible. So I'm starting by just trying to befriend him, respecting his space, and we'll see what happens!
As a guy who works and gets hit on with the pretense of them trying to get stuff for free.
Just shoot your shot and lay it out plainly. Worst case it's a no, but then you'll know.
I've actually waited a long time just so it doesn't look sketchy. I haven't seen him in almost 2 months. At that time, I ended the business relationship. I even sent him another email saying I had found what I was looking for and thanking him again for being great to work with briefly. I've been trying to wait at least another month after sending that email, but I think if I approach it the right way, it won't look bad.
Yes! I was a customer of his business, so it would have been wrong for him to hit on me. And if I had expressed any interest, I would have looked like I was trying to get something for free.
I played it totally cool but felt really attracted to him. He gave me some looks that suggested he felt attracted to me but was trying to be professional (and he was). By the end of our interaction, he was acting a little shy like he liked me and felt nervous. It was SO cute. I'm used to guys negging or bragging or bullying when they feel shy, so to see someone (who seemed really nice and attractive) just act straight up shy was refreshing and honestly hot.
This women I'm seeing continues to go on dates and seems interested when we're together but I'm not sure.
Is it worth laying my cards on the table, telling her I am and asking if she is?
I'd like to continue seeing her but it seems things are completely one-sided at the moment.
My rule is if she keeps showing up to dates and there seems to be progression physically… kissing early on, hand holding, playful touching… then making out a few weeks in to dating, then to sex within a couple months then I think she’s interested in me… would need to know what’s it been like in your situation to give you any valuable feedback.
I'm usually good at reading people but she's shared she's dealing with stuff with her family and personal life.
It's hard to tell if this is a more reserved version of who she normally is.
She's multidating because she doesn't want to put everything into one person only to get dumped in a couple of weeks.
Do you want to just keep going out, or do you want exclusivity?
Or am I misreading your post? If I am, and you're saying that you're not feeling the interest from her side despite still going on dates with you, then yes, lay your cards on the table. Same advice if I got it right the first time.
She did say she wasn't multidating. If you are happy to could you elaborate on why you suggest laying your cards on the table.
Thanks for commenting anyway.
Because communication is important in relationships and even at this stage you should be able to say " I'm feeling x about y. How do you feel?" You won't know until you ask.
rant...
Man the juice is running out... emptied the bumble/tinder queue, cycled the hinge queue, sent a message or ... three, empted the feeld queue... naaaada. Had this one lady who sent a like on hinge a while ago, didn't answer it cuz I was still dealing with fall out (shouldn't have had apps on my phone so soon yadda yadda). She disappeared. We match on bumble... and the timer expires... We just matched on Tinder and I send a message, probably not the greatest, but it wasn't "hey." and nada... I'll just let that message sit in the inbox, and carry on.. but like really? At least my distress tolerance is holding.
So, I find myself getting back into photography, gotta have at least one non-outdoorsy/athletic hobby right? It's funny I got a good camera and all the stuff to take pictures for apps years ago but lucked out in other ways. Took a really banger of a [picture ](https://imgur.com/a/706aXyu)of myself today. I hate taking pictures of myself. I will gladly be the photographer boyfriend. But this shot? Crisp. It's funny cuz I just rolled outta bed, and tossed a button down shirt on... tomorrow I'll try after putting the rest of my face on, and by face I mean comb my hair...
/rant...
Hope everyone's week is off to a decent start :)
Hey don’t knock being 5’8”, that’s my favorite height. I can tuck my face right into the neck and shoulder of a 5’8” guy. It’s also low key embarrassing for me when tall guys have to bend down to hear me talk, I feel like a five year old every time this happens at work 😭
Oh I'm not hating on it so much as it's the "joke" that if you're not over 6'0 you're invisible as a man. I don't buy it, but sometimes those thoughts sneak in..
I love the feeling of the lady's face tucked into my neck... so you're between 5'5 and 5'6? I've been with women from 5'0 to 5'9... I hear you about having to look UP to meet someone's gaze...
That means it's easier for them to see how illustrious your hair is. I gotta bend down and then see that disappointed face when they realize I'm really bald.
I met a guy and have already started overthinking! He's so sweet and nice, but also I've noticed he seems a bit lost in his career path and is sort of the person that takes things day by day and just hopes things will work out. For example, he said his dream is to be a doctor even though he's starting the process later in life (he's 41), but then he hasn't been studying for the MCATs and keeps pushing back when he'll take the test. He also got laid off and keeps trying to extend his time spent not working. He spends most of his time working on home projects and says he's having trouble focusing on studying, which I understand, but also it confuses me why he isn't taking it more seriously since we are older and most people start this process much earlier.
He talks about wanting a kid and family but also I wonder if he could commit to a lifestyle that supports that. But we have a really strong connection, he owns a small house, is close with his family, has good friends, takes good care of his house and pets, and is kind and thoughtful and respectful and treats me well. He's communicative and open to feedback. I just don't know if I'm overthinking the whole "want to be a doctor but won't study for it" thing, and this is something I have not brought up to him because I don't know if it's a real issue or if I'm being too judgey.
Edit to add: he also told me he has ADHD.
He sounds a bit lost. I can totally relate to that feeling, although I'm freshly 30. After being in tech and getting laid off last year, it's really easy to fear it happening again and wanting to switch to something else. If I were still doing this at 41, i don't know how I'd date since I imagine at that age it is different. So yeah, you have every right to be thinking about your future with him. He might not have his priorities straight.
>He spends most of his time working on home projects and says he's having trouble focusing on studying, which I understand, but also it confuses me why he isn't taking it more seriously since we are older and most people start this process much earlier.
Having trouble focusing is not necessarily an indicator of not taking something seriously or not wanting something.
Does he have a history of career success? If so, he might be in a temporary slump. If not, you'd better decide if you want a long-term partner who you'll have to support.
He worked in tech and was laid off 1.5 years ago. He seemed successful in tech but was not happy. Since then he's been working on his house and enjoying not working, and planning to become a doctor, but he hasn't done much studying yet. His plan was to take the MCATS last month but now he's saying he may push it to next year.
Possibly has ADHD. Makes grand plans and starts projects but can't finish them. If he wants to be a doctor, you're talking about a decade of hard work, long schedules, and no money. And that's after he actually gets into a school.
He's 41. Not 21. Presumably, you want a committed relationship. How can you have that with someone so unsettled in his life at that age?
You're not overthinking. You're being practical.
Thank you. You know, I should have said this in my post. He does have ADHD. It does for sure seem to be playing a role, but yeah I worry because like you said, we're not 21! I guess dating is so grim that it's hard for me, since we have a good connection, but the practical stuff is important to me.
You're not overthinking anything. The men on this sub are carefully calculating things like car payments their new gf has or how much rent she's paid last year. This guy sounds completely out of touch with reality.
Dating requires soo much grit. It’s this endless cycle of hope, heartbreak, and self-care. When by my some miracle i meet someone who sees me and chooses to spend their life with me ill finally be crying happy tears.
I wouldn't take it as a slight. I might even reach out with a "how have you been" because you never know if he lost your number somehow. I've gotten new phones and random things were missing..
But I wouldn't get my hopes up either
I wanted to meet someone slowly, and IRL… But I forgot the anxiety of not knowing how someone feels about you, and not knowing if you should push beyond friendship.
But, for the first time in a while, it is kind of nice to have a crush, the old-fashioned way.
We went on one date, but there was some hesitation on her part. We talk a lot, but she's an erratic texter and we'll go from talking for hours one night to not hearing from her for a day and a half after she asks a question. I'm planning on asking for a second date either tonight or tomorrow for this weekend since I just got back in town after 4 days out of town.
Last time I had asked about possibly being ghosted (again) by this guy who wouldn't commit to a time for our hike this past Saturday... and I'm starting to thing the advice to let it go was spot on.
I texted him that morning to make sure we were still on, scared he'd ghost like last time, and he said yes... but still never offered a time. Then at 10am he is saying he is getting ready and will see me there. I was a bit shocked at the assumption that he never needed to tell me when it was going to be, and I had to rush a little to get into my hiking clothes.
Then when I got there... he didn't exactly look like his photos. They weren't photoshop or necessarily old... he had a completely different hair situation and looked a lot slimmer. I generally don't like guys that are really skinny.
The conversation on the hike was awkward at times but nothing too bad for a first date. We get back to the parking lot and it gets full awkward... I'm getting eaten alive, shoes and pants are soaked and he is obviously trying to drag it out.
He asked once if I wanted to do something after and I told him that I'd prefer to just go home so I could change and get dry... then he asks about coming over and I had to communicate a clear boundary, which he seemed to take well. He said we could go to the fireworks on Monday night and I said it might be fun.
He still asked again if I wanted to do something else. So I asked if he had something in mind and he had no ideas... so I was at a loss why he kept asking me when the rain was getting worse. We hugged and parted ways.
His general communication style has also been almost erratic random questions, which sometimes flow into a convo. That night he asked me what music I listened to and then stated the country station was good here.
Then yesterday he randomly asked about who is the best barber in town (how am I supposed to know?) And then asks about my dogs grooming. He finally asked when he could see me again - I told him I was heading out with a friend to see some fireworks and would be back really late or in the morning. So either Monday evening or later in the week.
His reply was just "whenever you're back" and that is the last I heard of him.
I am drained today after a 1am drive home but he hasn't texted me once, no follow up, no recommendation on a day for the next date.
I literally had an old situationship and an ex invite me to see the fireworks with them tonight, but no word from this guy when I had expressed an interest and told him I was available.
I think I had to just get it out of my system but I don't even have it in me to text him back at this point, so the interest isn't there. I know I need someone who can communicate consistently and takes initiative, and those things just aren't his style.
It does sound a bit like you want this to work out, but it’s really not a great match. I would just leave it be. Or you could be forward and let him know you appreciate better communication and if he’s up for it, you’d like to plan another date. See how it goes.
Part of it really is me relating to him as a fellow shy person but I'm seeing it isn't a great match. I shouldn't have to pester him to get a day/time to be told at the last minute he's ready to go.
If this was our first time engaging I might give him some advice for what I need - but this was his last chance after ghosting me last year. He should be on his best behaviour after that!
He even knew I wanted to go to the fireworks tonight, I said I would go with him, I again told him I was free tonight yet he is wishy washy. So one of the guys who asked me to go with them as a friend (because they remembered I love fireworks) gets my energy tonight.
I don't even understand why you consider seeing him again?
The fact he never told you the time to go hiking is disrespectful in my opinion, it seems like you don't find him particularly attractive physically and that the conversation was meh at best.
I think in my head it had something to do with being ghosted by him before... I'm sure my therapist will unpack the psychology of it all.
I agree it's disrespectful and I've gone to war with exes over disrespecting my time. I guess I was cutting him a break because he said he was very shy, thinking maybe he'd improve once we met, but clearly not.
After a string of bad experiences (where there was sparks and chemistry) I guess I wanted to see if giving it a chance to grow would be better...
But I honestly don't think I would want to even see him again.
Hinge just prompted me to:
•take a selfie
•let it review my photos and use facial recognition to find pictures of me
•let it suggest the ones they think people will like to use on my profile
I… don’t know how I feel about that.
Im dating such a shy guy. He is a sweetheart but I just don’t know what to do to make him feel like he can be more physical with me. I already made the move when I reciprocated a kiss on our second date, held hands with him through a movie, and instigated a kiss/ very long makeout on the third. For our forth date we met during the day and hugged, but no peck, hand holding, anything… and yes, I’m confident he wants to see me again. So it’s just left me confused and feeling like things wont progress if I don’t keep giving him fresh boosts of confidence??
It’s nice to have someone be so respectful for a change but as the woman I don’t want to always be the one coming onto him? Has anyone been in this boat? The advice I usually see is for women to give men that initial green light but I already did. I’d love him to run with it now. Maybe I just gotta be patient!
Have you hung out privately (like at one of your places) in the evening (perhaps with a bottle of wine)? Some ‘shy’ people don’t like pda but will get up to stuff when the time/venue is right (from their perspective):
Yes third date was lunch at his place, so after we ate and were hanging out on his couch and holding hands, I could tell the intent was there but he was scared, so I asked if we could kiss. We then made out for like 1.5 hours! But didn’t have sex because it felt too early / it was during the day. I was more keen just to break the ice and let him know I was comfortable with him so he could relax!
[удалено]
Kinda would like to date someone close to my age like +-5 years of me. All I get is intrest from women that are 10+ years older then me
Is this on apps? If so, then it is incumbent on you to set your age preferences accordingly and list it as a dealbreaker.
Then I get zero matches sending my profile even further into the algorithm abyss
Matches don’t matter if they aren’t people you want to date. They’re just validation.
I will never understand people who don't filter out people they don't want to date when they can.
Anyone any advice on starting to use dating apps/websites. I feel like I’m in way over my head
Build a shield mentally that nearly every single possible negative interaction has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU PERSONALLY. Especially ghosting. Think of ghosting as learning kung fu in the matrix and you just dodged a bullet. Also be kind and don't ghost yourself. I recommend your goal should be to find a match, gel briefly in convo and get to that first date ASAP. Too much convo can cause unnecessary pedestals and fantasy building of the other person. I am also a big fan of having only one expectation in the first date and nothing else: do I want a second date with this human being? And me personally if its yes to indifferent, then yes I do. This entire paragraph is entirely my own opinion.
Your first attempt at a profile probably won't be good. That isn't your fault, it's just that making a good profile and taking good pictures are skills that don't come naturally to most people. I'd recommend getting your first attempt reviewed by friends, or people on this subreddit. Don't get too invested into someone before meeting in person. Texting is just a quick check to make sure they're a sane person who's interested. It's so easy to build up a false intimacy by texting for days or weeks and then to meet in person and realize there is no chemistry. If you're a man seeking women, you'll have a better experience if you pay the subscription and sort by recently active. As far as the apps go, Hinge is the best one right now. Some people like Bumble, but I personally haven't had much luck with it.
(1) Manage your expectations: you're gonna try to meet some people and see what happens. You're probably not going to meet the love of your life on your first date. (2) Run it in the background, don't make it your life. Don't invest so heavily in it that the number or quality of matches becomes a major determining factor of how healthy your self esteem is. (3) Be intentional: match with people who genuinely seem interesting to you. Know what kinds of things you're looking for in a relationship (4) Focus your attention. Make liberal use of pause functionalities. Only commit to conversations with people who seem interesting and whose dating goals align with your own. Don't overwhelm yourself by matching with too many people. (5) Follow through: The goal is to go on dates. If you're not planning to meet up with folks you like you're wasting your time.
Go slow, don't take it too seriously, remember that these are online interactions so you're getting a curated version of this person, and use good photos.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend about compatibility, and I wonder what you all think: When she dates, she finds someone she “has a good connection with” first, and then figures out along the way if they are more of a fit on paper (same goals, same lifestyle preferences). I said that I’d rather find that out first, even before I hang out with this person. For example, she was surprised that I bring up my child-free preference on or before the first date. She thinks that in general, when two people like each other enough, then their preferences will eventually merge through shared experiences (leading to similar personalities) and compromise. I think she’s a bit too idealistic, but she thinks I’m likely missing out on a lot of good potential partners by eliminating too early. There’s probably a middle ground here, but what do you all think?
> when two people like each other enough, then their preferences will eventually merge through shared experiences (leading to similar personalities) and compromise I think that, as a matter of fact, this is an accurate description of how many relationships form in our early/mid-20s. People's lives are less put together, so there's more room for people to come together over mutual connection and attraction and figure life out from there. In our 30s, our lives are more defined, so it's harder for relationships to form in the same way. Perhaps your friend is basing her view of relationships on her experience of how things worked when she was 24. I think it is naive at best to assume that that is just *how relationships work*, as your friend seems to think. But I also wouldn't rule out entirely the idea that preferences can shift and merge in a relationship. Perhaps not *every* preference (being child-free is a good example of something that's probably set in stone), but not *none* either. I know that I personally nearly torpedoed the very good relationship I'm in because it did not at first seem to check all the boxes on my predefined list of happiness criteria. That doesn't mean I'm less happy now than I would have been had every box been checked -- on the contrary, I don't think it gets better than this -- but it does mean I let my sense of what would make me happy adapt to the circumstances in which I found myself.
Dealbreakers up front is the way to go at our age.
I had a friend recently end a nine-year relationship because they had a long-standing disagreement on whether they want kids, and it finally made the relationship untenable. Compatibility "on paper" matters a lot. > She thinks that in general, when two people like each other enough, then their preferences will eventually merge through shared experiences (leading to similar personalities) and compromise. I think this can be true for a lot of low-to-medium importance things. In a good relationship partners do let the other influence them. But for the big ticket items like desire to have kids, sexual compatibility, where you want to live, I don't think it's as true. There you really need to have some foundation of compatibility (which isn't to say you need to be identical on these big ticket issues, just close enough).
I think I agree with your friend but a lot of people think like you. The reality I see is that humans change. They change a lot depending on who they are around. I have my behaviors and what I want out of life but they are flexible. I mean 5 years ago I didn’t want kids and now I do. I personally think what matters more is connection and how well you get along, as well as shared interests. I’ve had a lot of dates where it looked good on paper but the connection was missing and I’d rather be dating someone where the paper didn’t look so good but we had a middle ground and enjoyed each others company. I think dating apps kind of force us to look at the “paper” stuff a lot and maybe that’s why they are so terrible for a lot of people.
This is how people who want to be child free end up marrying people who want kids. This is such a bad strategy. You're going to invest time and emotional energy into someone only to realize 6 months, a year, 3 years down the road that you're fundamentally incompatible. So someone compromises. They grow resentful, and eventually, the relationship implodes. I'm like you, I need to know the dealbreakers and fundamentals from the jump.
I think it can be a mix, but I’m also in favor of having conversations about big dealbreakers early on. It still baffles me that people get divorced over a difference in wanting children, like it never came up over the entire course of their relationship. Me personally—I like to get to know someone and see if we vibe, but nothing will turn me off quicker than a glaring incompatibility.
[удалено]
Tell him now. Or when he finds out 3 years from now, it'll destroy the trust you've built.
Honest take here: tell him *exactly this*. Say that you got anxious about sharing details and you fibbed so that you seemed relatable. GUYS DIG HONESTY, AND FESSING UP TO MISTAKES-- especially from women or romantic partners. I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. You'll feel better about telling the truth, he'll feel respect for you (I guarantee it). Everybody wins.
Guys dig honesty. Chicks dig the long ball.
I got dumped by text after finally having sex with a guy I was seeing for months. I posted about him before. He was so into me and exuberant at the beginning. Texted me nonstop, told me repeatedly how much he liked me, kept a toothbrush for me at his apartment, and talked about all these future plans. He started pulling back and bailed on a date claiming he had COVID about a week or two after we were intimate. I now think he lied about being sick to get out of plans because he started distancing himself right around then. I asked him about the change and he ignored it. We kept talking, but the enthusiasm was gone. This past week he had been staying up later, but not because he was talking to me, so, I knew something was up. I think he met someone else. Yet, he kept calling me pet names and telling me how much he was going to miss me when he was out of town for a wedding. He even said he would bring me as his date if he could and joked about our future wedding. He texted throughout the weekend, but it was pretty low effort albeit flirty. I called him on Sunday to catch up, but he ignored my call claiming he was “traveling.” I now realize this was a lie because his texts hadn’t gone through that morning for a few hours which pointed to him already having flown back. He told me he’d “touch base later.” Then, kept me waiting for 8 hours. He told me bluntly he was too tired to talk, but wanted to “touch base on a few things tomorrow” which left me with major anxiety. I asked if everything was okay and he claimed it was, using my pet name again. Cue to yesterday, he said he was going to reach out in the morning and he didn’t. I called and he ignored it claiming he was in a meeting, but that he could text. He didn’t text me back. I ask again what’s up, mention it seems like he is avoiding something, and he again leaves me waiting for 13+ hours despite being active on Facebook and uploading photos all day. At 10 pm, he finally texts and proceeds to tell me that I was right about previously calling him out about the shift between us and how it was cooling down. He gave some typical HR bs about how I’m so great, but he’s not in a place for romance. I hadn’t seen him in almost a month and the last time I saw him we had sex for the first time. I have known this guy for almost 15 years and he literally just led me on and lied to get sex from me. I feel so used and icky. He also knows I’m going through a hard time and spiraling before this breakup, as my dog just died and I’m studying for the Bar Exam. I’m so upset and have more trust issues than ever now. I told him off, but it didn’t help me feel any better and he didn’t respond. I just can’t believe I got duped again. :(
**Hugs** I am also studying for the bar, and I can’t imagine going through a breakup right now. He sucks. There is no doubt about it. How he handled this was awful. But right now, you need it to **not matter**. We sit for the bar in 28 days. You have four weeks. **Four weeks**. Buckle up. Compartmentalize this. Sit your ass down at your laptop and no matter how hard it is, boot up Adaptibar and do 100 MCQs. Then get up and stretch, then do 100 more. Then watch whatever lecture is up next. Then outline a couple essays. Then do an MPT. Then do some more AdaptiBar. Then, if you have Barbri, revisit the dude who did the very first essay lecture - the one who is kind of hot and was like, “If you don’t know a rule on an essay, *make one up*.” Do NOT let this fuck with you. He doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is passing the bar. Got it? Good. Feel free to DM me if you’re struggling and need a kick in the ass.
Thank you for your kindness and the motivation! Need this tough love! It’s definitely been hard since losing my dog and then he goes and pulls this. But I shall persevere and get my mind back in the game. I might take you up on messaging you for more motivation and help. Thank you💙
It SUCKS. No doubt about it. I went through a shitty breakup in the summer after 1L, when I was already emotionally fragile because holy shit, 1L. I wallowed, I dwelled, and I missed out on a shitload of networking / social events during my first summer associateship. And then sometime in august, I had to get my shit together because holy fuck, 2L. You don’t have the luxury of time to dwell right now. There will be NO WALLOWING. If you can’t focus, here are some tricks: don’t work off of digital outlines. Print those fuckers, 3-hole punch them, and put them each in their own 1” binder. Use at least five different highlighter colors to highlight each portion of a rule or statement of law in different color, so that it operates as a checklist rather than an incomprehensible paragraph. For example, the rule of negligence would have each element is a different color, e.g. duty in yellow, breach in hot pink, actual causation in green, proximate causation in orange, and damages in blue highlighted in yellow. (Make sure to put a thick piece of card stock underneath the page you are highlighting so that you don’t get highlighter bleed onto the next page). Do this while you’re watching the lecture videos, and play the videos at 1.5 speed so that you are forced to keep up and not let your mind wander. Whether you have Barbri, Themis, Helix, Quimbee, whatever - spend the money on the JD Advising on sheets for the MBE and MEE. They’re 25% off for the next few days. It’s absolutely worth it. Do not passively read the outlines. Actively engage with the parts of the ones you are struggling with. And even then, reading and even engaging with the outlines is a waste of time. Do adaptibar Qs and **log your errors**. It is crucial to know whether you missed a Q because you didn’t know the law, or because it was reading comprehension, or because you were tricked by a fact… whatever. This will help you narrow your focus on your problem areas. If nobody provided you with an error log template, I’m serious: DM me. I have a throwaway email account that I can and will use to send you mine. The point I’m getting at here is **stay busy and stay focused**. The usual breakup advice (engage with hobbies! hang out with friends! make new ones!) is useless to you right now. But that’s FINE because you have MORE THAN ENOUGH to keep yourself distracted from thinking about the breakup. And every time your mind DOES wander to it, stop, hit pause on the lecture video or whatever, and force yourself to write down the elements of adverse possession, or res ipsa, or a private nuisance and public nuisance, or how much π recovers if there are 3 ∆s, the jury awarded 100k, ∆1 is 10% at fault, ∆2 is 25% at fault, ∆3 is 65% at fault, and the jurisdiction applies comparative contribution. Then ask yourself what the rule is if ∆2 and ∆3 are both insolvent. Write the rule down. And just keep doing this - i.e., knowledge vomit. Just free associate whatever comes to your mind and write that shit down. To what kind of agreements does the § of frauds apply? What is the Erie doctrine? When do we get to admit hearsay within hearsay? What’s a recorded recollection? What is a Terry Stop? What are the elements of a valid claim for IAC? What are the elements of a valid will? What are the four major categories of abstention? Etc. The point of all of this? Punish yourself for thinking about him / the breakup lol and then go back to whatever you were working on. Especially if it’s secured transactions because holy shit, fuuuuuuuck secured transactions! We’ve got this. We’re going to crush it. Just stay the course. You can be sad about the breakup when it’s over, but right now, your attention needs to be bar prep. **tough love hug**
I’m so sorry! I totally feel your pain and I’m sending you virtual hugs! People can be selfish, disrespectful and cruel. Don’t let their behaviour change you to be like them. It sucks terribly - I should know; but this too shall come to pass and will be an experience you’ll look back on with gratitude thinking, Thank God I never ended up with that person! You can trust me on that! Best wishes with the bar! xx
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. It didn’t work out for a reason and the reason is he’s a dick lol. This too shall pass!💜
I’m so sorry. This sucks and I hope you’re able to get some peace. [commented about men redacted because it’ll get removed lol]
Thank you❤️
(And bc it’s possible he just wasn’t feeling it after sex. It’s happened to me, and it’s happened to plenty of women. It’s almost like it’s a… human thing.)
Well, he lied then. He told me repeatedly he had such a strong sexual connection and strong romantic energy with me and that he felt so much towards me.
I'm so sorry this happened. How he treated you, and led you on, and made you wait until he finally come clean, was awful. Ignoring your texts and calls, even though I'm guessing he knew it would cause you a lot of anxiety, is pretty callous. And I know this doesn't mean much because of how you're feeling now, but it's not a reflection of who are you that you were treated like this. It does definitely feel humiliating when we feel we've been used by someone, so i do empathise with you there. But be kind to yourself. This is on him. And the fact that you've known him for so long too! Wow. I'm so sorry. And I'm so sorry about your dog, too❤️ Good luck with your studies😊
You’re so kind. Thank you for your sweet words.🥹💖 You are so right about this being all about him and not me. He was cruel to leave me waiting, especially since he knows I suffer from anxiety. A good guy would never do that and I’m better off without someone like him. At least he finally showed his true colors! I just feel like I can’t trust my gut or intuition, as he really did seem different and all about me. I’m so mad he let this drag out when he had no feelings for me at all. He blatantly lied and fabricated the relationship. I already have trust issues, so, this was not what I needed. It’s another lesson to be sure, but I’ll come out stronger.
As corny as this is going to sound (but it's true!!), the only thing we can do in these situations is learn from them. That's what it's all about, I guess. In time, you can look back and maybe notice things that you missed in the moment. Certain behaviours that seemed innocuous at the time. But it is hard, because we're human. We like to believe what people say. We like to feel like we can trust them. Unfortunately, you get people like that guy who take advantage of it. But don't let it stop you from getting out there and finding someone (when you're ready!) who does treat you with the respect and love you deserve. And you *definitely* will come out stronger!!💖
Yeah, looking back, I think he love bombed me, which is a huge red flag! Healthy relationships don’t start out that way. They usually start slow and then the passion follows later. You’re so sweet. Thank you so much for your thoughtful input. 💕
I had finally signed up for a local dating service that I said I would after my last breakup. I'm feeling ambivalent about it but keeping an open mind. I have a screening call with them tomorrow so let's see how that goes! I have not gotten back onto the dating apps, so I will give this dating service a go before I'm back on them. I have also published the Singles Running Club event, shared with people I know who can help to spread the word. My initial goal is to get 40pax, based on the current sign up rate. 10pax wld be gold! I also saw Mr Peppa at training this morning. For some reason seeing him really riles me up. I have yet to unpack those emotions fully. I didn't expect that to feel this resentful towards him. Im still hopeful of meeting my person. Focusing on my lane will get me there, slowly & yet surely.
Good luck with your running group. Out curiosity will it be running 1st and dating 2nd or friendships over dating? I've seen hobby activity/groups like having a strong foundation and throwing dating in there could cause a lot of revolving doors in activity. Just curious to your approach.
im going on a second date tomorrow. i am healed to date, im in a great place to date but i do not want to date. i am going on dates but not dating … its not that i don’t want to find the one. that of course would be great but i have zero desire to put in the effort dating and building relationships take. im ok with the outcome of not having a fruitful dating life. my time/efforts have been with friends and it’s (social life) something i am so proud ive built for myself over the past year. im an introvert and if it were up to me would be happy locking myself in for months at a time. it takes a lot of effort and energy for me to go out and be social weekly. but I am enjoying it. and it’s important for my mental health to stay busy and have things to look forward to. im at the place where im open to meeting someone but not willing to sacrifice my time or share my space. it would take someone who is willing to see me when i want to see them. if I end up needing to chose myself and a bed rot day and cancel i will. I know it’s selfish and it’s why I don’t want to date. I (36F) met up with a match because he(43M) seems my speed and so far things are very simple. We do not text much which is a relief after matching with people that want to talk daily all day long. He immediately set a second date after our first went well. That was supposed to be yesterday but I rescheduled for tomorrow. Was in a mood. Let him know that. He also tentatively scheduled a 3rd if tomorrow goes well and before I book up my weekend. I plan on telling him where im at and make sure we’re on the same page about our (lack of) communication styles and if it’s something that he prefers or is bothered by but not saying anything and me assuming because it benefits me lol. it feels very mature, normal. I will say lack of texting has made zero space for getting to know each other or creating a bond but im ok with doing that slowly in person date by date. idk why I wrote all this. I think I just needed to self reflect to make sure I keep doing the right thing and being honest along the way.
“ im at the place where im open to meeting someone but not willing to sacrifice my time or share my space. it would take someone who is willing to see me when i want to see them. if I end up needing to chose myself and a bed rot day and cancel i will. I know it’s selfish and it’s why I don’t want to date.” RELATABLE.
💖💖
Thank you for writing this! I (36F) relate SO much. It's good to know there are other people out there with the same feeling about dating/ going on dates.
Feels good to enjoy your own company!! Best of luck to you in this phase of life 💕
I’ve known the guy I’m seeing for a year now (dating on and off for half that time) and for that entire year, I have been working the same schedule. I almost never miss work. I have gone over to his house after work countless times. Last week, on Wednesday, I told him I really wanted to do something fun, and he said he never plans dates “because he doesn’t know my schedule.” I sent him my schedule for the entire week, hour by hour, which has never changed—not once. I was supposed to go over to his place on Sunday and texted “omw” after work. He messaged back and said “can you wait at your place for a bit? I’m with my parents.” I declined because it is a 40 minute commute to his place from my job and 40 minutes to my home. Going home first would’ve added almost a 2 hour commute and I was already exhausted. I sent him a few tersely worded texts reminding him that he knows my schedule. He should’ve known it before I sent him the freaking calendar. In response, he told me to “stop jumping all over him.” At no point do I belittle or insult. I just said “I just sent you my schedule and I have worked the same hours the entire time we have known each other” to let him know I felt frustrated and disappointed. I’m so sick of this low effort bs. No accountability. No forethought.
I would not have the patience for this. I’ve been seeing a man for 3 months and he knows my schedule because it also does not change much. This guy is showing you that he doesn’t respect your time.
I’m considerate of peoples time so if thats not important to someone else then we’re not going to get along. Has it happened before? Have you asked for what you need directly? Have you established what you are to one another? I understand the lengths you’ve gone to. In my experience I was 100% direct and kind, I got my answer and quite honestly that was the easiest break up of my life. It’s also okay to be sad about someone not being what you need. All you can do is ask, but if it’s not there, the frustration of staying in it, is on you. Good luck.
Nope out of that situation. I want to go for someone that's excited to plan dates with me. Why couldn't you meet his parents? My guess another woman was over?
That's my guess too. Doesn't make much sense to tell her to wait if he's with his parents. My ex gave me a key to his place after we had been together for about 6 months. We also live about 40-60 minutes apart (depending on traffic), and sometimes I'd get to his place before he was home from work, so he gave me a key so I could let myself in. What I have unfortunately realized is that in my early 20's, it was much easier to trust guys. Now, you never know who's hiding what, or what skeletons might come out.
He is a virgin. Do not get me started on that. He was most definitely not with another woman.
I have met his parents. Even if he had asked me to come over to see his parents I would’ve declined. I’d just worked for 10 hrs and wasn’t in the mood to do anything except veg out and cuddle. What is so irritating is he keeps insisting he “doesn’t know my schedule”
And what’s more, I told him on the spot that I would like an apology. Historically he doesn’t apologize and to avoid resenting him I’ve learned to just ask for an apology if I feel it’s owed. He apologized and then said “I’d like an apology as well” for “being mean to him.” I fucking refused. I am not going to apologize for expressing that I’m frustrated and disappointed about a verifiably frustrating and disappointing occurrence.
Bail. The. Fuck. Out. Now. Lack of accepting accountability is my #1 red flag now
This. A man who never apologizes is going to start doing worse things and—shockingly—also not apologize for those.
Whoa that is some next level emotionally unavailable shit
Due to a very unfortunate boil on my bikini line, I had to invest in a bunch of loose-fitting men’s boxer shorts because even boyshorts and women’s boxer-briefs were too pinchy and painful. When I was married, my spouse hated when I wore unflattering underwear and at one point asked me to replace all my comfortable mismatched underwear with “sexier, matching sets” so I was really unsure what new guy would think about my new boxers but he was super chill about it! He told me how comfortable they looked and how soft the material felt, and that he hoped they were helping me feel more comfortable. And he still wanted to get freaky with me! Which is good because I’m going to have to wear these boxers for several more weeks until the boil heals.
Ugh, your ex sounds awful. I love wearing that type of stuff around the house. Soooo much more comfortable than women's underwear. My ex thought it was cute when I wore it, but guys I've met since him seem to want women to just wear "feminine" stuff. I'm planning to sell my house and move back to a blue state in the next 6 months. Can't get out of here fast enough, especially with the election coming up. I need some more open minded men who aren't all into keeping up appearances with gender roles. Even one guy I dated who seemed more open minded, and said he was socially liberal, was still doing things just taking my dog's leash out of my hand because he said it looked like I "needed help." He was apparently trying to be "proactive," which basically translates to "manly." But she's my dog, and if something had happened when he did that, like she ran off, I would have probably honestly murdered him right then and there.
New guy sounds much better than the ex! I once wore my period undies with someone (and the pair I happened to choose to wear that day were brightly coloured boyshorts) and was feeling bloated and unsexy but their eyes actually lit up when they saw me in them, apparently it looked cute. It's so uplifting when people can appreciate you like that!
Just ended things with the sweetest & cutest person, I just didn’t see long term with them. I’m devastated 😭
In the same boat, it happened 2 days ago. I haven't felt this kind of pain in a long time. If ever.
Sending hugs! This is so brave.
Felt bloated. Felt fat. Felt unpretty. PMSing. Whatever. Went to work intending to keep a low profile. Dodge my work crush so he don't see how disgusting I am. Another coworker kindly tells me to cut back on sugar. UGLY CONFIRMED. Just fuck all. I give up.
What on earth!? I cannot imagine a coworker ever ever ever commenting on my appearance in that way. I'd report to HR.
I felt that it's a cultural thing for him. We're friendly so I took it as him meaning well. He had no idea how I was feeling at the time, so it was really bad timing to mention it. If it came from anyone else, I'd be pissed. You're right, though.
Just got home from a great first date! We already are talking about our next one. Feeling really happy after feeling like OLD isn't working.
Yay for great 1st dates!
Nice! Only takes 1 person to take you off the market 😉
I'm sending a shirt I borrowed from her back, along with some tickets I purchased for us in a few months. I got non refundable ones I was so sure this would work out. I wrote down my feelings and apologized for being so passive. I felt like a teenager again when I was around her. I basically started hanging out instead of actively trying to date and woo her, though she gave me the most go ahead signals I've ever gotten. The first real connection and I become so unconfident, because it was all on the line for once. I hope she finds her peace and someone, and I hope I can forget sooner rather than later.
[удалено]
Nah, y’all definitely should have had a DTR convo. I’ve had at least 2 situations in which a guy I was seeing started calling me his girlfriend/whatever to a specific group of people, but would refuse to actually have that conversation with me. And it never ended well. That’s not to say this is what happened here, but validating you on the uncomfortable feelings.
I’m too old to be confused so I’m pretty clear and direct about saying I need a guy to ask me to move to the next steps. How I feel is just what works for me but I don’t get invested until I’m ready and when he asks. If someone calls me something to others that we haven’t discussed then it feels like it’s more about bragging rights than genuinely wanting a connection between the two of us. If his words to me don’t match his actions then I need to consider if this is right for me. Nobody decides a title for me without talking to me, it’s rude and shows me they care more about what others think than building trust between the two of us. Caveat by saying I always make it know about being asked. Personally I would take a step back, say it’s soured things that it was wasn’t discussed, explain it’s left me feeling uncomfortable and take some space. Either the conversation will happen and we will want to work on making decisions together in future or I would get the ick and move on.
Awesome. Hope that gives momentum to have the awkward conversations as the relationship grows.
If he "read the room" correctly and started to refer to you as his gf, I think it's fine. I had one guy was apparently referring to me as his gf/girl he was dating, to people *after* I rejected him...
I would rather have a talk for defining the relationship nowadays. Back in 2015 when I dated someone from OkCupid (RIP OG OKC), we never had that talk but he said he was deleting his profile after a few months in and that's all I needed to know that we were a couple. And we would refer to each other as gf/bf, met families, friends, etc. Now in freaking 2024, I can't do that anymore bc I've encountered ghosters, people with avoidant attachments, dating people for 2 months "hinting" that things are heading into relationship territory only for the rug to be pulled put from you...I need a solid answer for what we are. Dating is just too complex now for me to not have that talk.
So he said he doesn't want labels but he's been labelling you as a girlfriend when he tells other people about you? Haha people are weird.
[удалено]
>He said he likes things to just progress organically and he figured things were progressing fine without having to label it. I must have misunderstood this bit.
I think maybe he meant he didn't think a conversation needed to be had bc it had occurred naturally?
As someone who waited 2 months and got dumped minutes before I was going to ask to be official. If you want it, just do it. You'll get your answer and sooner is better than later. Sooner you can start the next good chapter when you feel ready, later and it doesn't work you'll want the healing time to have started.
I (30f) met a guy (38m) on a dating app mid May. He was located out of state but planning to relocate to my area mid June. We chatted consistently for three weeks. When he moved here he texted me that he was here. We went back and forth a bit but the conversation fizzled. I texted him the next week saying I was open to meeting and never got a response- it’s been like 9 days. The moving from out of state is definitely a red flag but confirmed, a total waste of time! Venting…
What made you go for a guy that wasn't in state yet? Whenever I see people who's profile says they're moving to my city/state, I pass unless its like NEXT week. I don't wanna chat for a month before the first meeting. And even then... kinda gives me a bad vibe when they are searching for people in the place the are moving too. Gives me the vibe of "I don't want to be alone for even a moment" Sucks that you got your time wasted.
He didn’t lead with it so I was already chatting when he brought it up. Idk- I am usually on the same board as you but thought I would mix it up! Wrong.
Been seeing a man for just shy of 2 months. We had a discussion recently saying neither of us are still using the dating apps, nor seeing other people, and that we both said we don’t like multi-dating. Following this conversation we stopped using condoms during sex. I saw today that he has updated his dating app profile within the last few days - following spending most of the weekend together and having (what I thought) was an incredible time. He makes future plans casually all the time and when together it feels like we’re “together”. Why do people do this?? I’m so confused. Planning to send him a message to clarify but would love insight from anyone who’s been either side of this.
I hate this for you. Agreeing with whoever said y’all needed to delete your profiles together. Speaking as the person who found out their *fiancé* was still paying for 2 dating apps. I wish I had ended it then instead of getting divorced later.
Next time you need to delete your profiles together. Unfortunately, it sounds like things are over with this guy. He's clearly still using the app, and has severely damaged any trust that was there. I personally wouldn't bother confronting him, as he'll likely make up an excuse. Just because you didn't use the word "exclusive" doesn't mean anything. He said he wasn't using the apps. He lied. Call him out on it and call it a day. Don't put up with any BS he tries to peddle you.
Obligatory "How do you know he's updating his profile unless you're checking the app too?" lol But seriously, I think sometimes the app will flip around the main photo based on which is most popular. Could be that. If he's actually updating it with new info and stuff I'd be hurt by that. If you're having unprotected sex with the condition of exclusivity, it is absolutely unacceptable for him to still be pursuing others and putting feelers out there. I mentioned on here a while ago that me and the guy I'm dating had the "are we exclusive" convo 3 weeks into dating and deleted our apps. I got some pushback from people saying that was way too big of a step, too soon. To me it's not the end of the world to delete it. Is downloading it and making a new profile if things don't work out that much of an imposition? I'm glad you plan on addressing it with him. My position is just delete the app if you're pursuing one person. Mentally it fucks with you to continue to be trolling around on those things. You're right to be confused.
Ha. Wasn’t checking the app per se - was talking about my weekend with him to a friend today and she asked to see his profile (don’t use social media so that’s the only way I could really show any photos of him!) Mine has been paused for a while and was going to delete this week - I’ve not used it since I met him. It’s a new photo I know he took this weekend so isn’t it flipping around old photos unfortunately. Yeah I’m mostly hurt as we’ve had that discussion and now I’ve got evidence he’s still using it in direct contradiction to what he said. Particularly to be having unprotected sex on top - it feels like a violation of trust. I will say we didn’t use the word “exclusive” but it was very much neither of us are dating any one else, don’t want to, and have stopped using apps. I’m going to text him and be very direct asking where he sees us - I’m hurt and turned off by this as I really thought we were on the same page and I am really developing feelings for him.
Ugh, I'm so sorry, I can imagine that sinking feeling when you saw he put a new photo up.
I would also be hurt and questioning things. Proud of you for addressing it and being direct. I feel like women (or just people in general) these days feel pressure in dating to be "chill" and aloof about everything but it's such bullshit. I could ramble on and on about that lol, but I just want to make the point I think it's awesome you're sticking up for yourself by seeing something and saying something. If dating has taught me anything it's that people and their motivations are weird. Why waste your precious time? You got this!!
This is tough, sorry :/
Edit: this was resolved and one of the commenters happened to be correct, he didn’t know how I’d feel about some of the future uncertainty which is why he phrased it that way. : So, about two months ago, I (30F) met this guy (39M). We clicked right away on our first date and chatted for hours, like six hours. The second date was another six hours, lol, and it just kept going like that. By the third date, he wanted to be exclusive. We went on five official dates, with some meet-ups in between, like visiting free museums and just strolling around. He was always the planner, and I didn’t want to seem like I couldn’t plan, so I planned a great fifth date for us! After that, he texted me the next day saying he decided to quit his job and travel longer than he initially planned (I knew he had planned travel coming up but only for a month). He said he’d understand if I didn’t want to see him for now. When I asked how long he’d be gone, he didn’t give a specific answer, just that he was thinking of extending his travel a little longer. What do you all think of this? Any advice on how I should or shouldn’t move forward? Or was I just being led on from the beginning?
Lets just do some math here, you met him two months ago. Do you not have any trips planned out for two months? Are you not allowed to plan out for 2 months in case you meet someone? Those questions are meant to cause a reaction, fyi. I am him in my very new relationship, being gone a week at a time for trips I planned last year. It's just communication. I let her know that I will be busy, but I want to dedicate time to us. We scheduled out phone calls to have while I'm gone. It's not hard, but does take an ounce of effort and understanding.
Yes, obviously he’s allowed to plan out trips and go on them lol. I also have a 3 week trip planned around the same time, he’ll be in a similar area, but that’s not the point. He didn’t give me an option. He literally said, 'Hey, I wanted to let you know that my time here will be ending soon. I fully understand if you don’t want to continue seeing each other. I’m going to be traveling for a few months and might even extend that further.' This sounds like a breakup message to me, right? Or was I supposed to say, 'No, it’s okay, let’s see where this goes'?"
He's doing the "Good Guy Thing" (trying to differ from the nice guy) where he says something and then says the opposite so he doesn't have to take a stand/offend you. It's the same move as "We can go to a movie, or if you don't like movies how about the mall? But if you don't like the mall, we can get dinner" All without you answering. He's nervous, jumping the gun, and probably a sprinkle of self sabotage. He's afraid to bring you into his unsureness. Assertive language is very hard when it's not practiced. You can say the boss thing and look him in the eye (or video call) and say "I want to see you again. Safe travels and I will see you when you get back. In the meantime, let's plan a time to call each other so we can still stay in touch" It's hard to not say "we can plan calls, if you want...if you're free...etc.." There is a difference between being demanding and assertive. Assertive is "I would like to schedule regular calls for US, what works for you?" vs Demanding is "I want you to call me". My partner and I still in the dating phase and I will tell her, "I would like us to do something for Fourth of July. I am thinking of Fireworks, what are your thoughts on that?" Direct and open to criticism/change.
Thanks for the advice! I hadn’t thought of it that way. It seemed like he was giving me an out, probably because everything’s so up in the air with him. I also felt that way because he always seems so confident when we speak. He didn’t reply back to my last message which was something like “It doesn’t sound like there’s very much opportunity to see each other for the time being or to even reconnect in the future.” Not sure how to come back from that lol
I hope the best for this relationship, but it's good advice for the future as well. Saying what you want will get you far in dating.
I wouldn't say led on, but it seems like he's prioritizing his own personal journey and probably had already been leaning towards jumping into the unknown, as in extending his plans of extensive traveling/backpacking. I think keep the door open but also keep further expectations very low.
Thank you, I think I will. He just returned from backpacking the week we met and is going again in 2 weeks so I think perhaps this was the plan all along and I kindve came in randomly in the middle lol.
As someone who likes big trips, I have a big concern how a trip impacts my dating life. It is very difficult to date seriously in the time before a long trip. He sounds like someone who might use travel as an escape, and him extending the trip in the face of what could be a promising match is a big red flag. If you really like him, I’d keep the door open for when he gets back, but overall I would proceed with high caution
I see. I do believe once he told me this, I was the most confused by him looking for a ltr before such taking a long trip. But in his mind it was up in the air and he’s just decided to do this. Thanks for your advice. I just felt like it’s all so sudden when things were going very well. He’s leaving in 2 weeks.
Girlfriend wants me to open up more. I bought the "Were Not Really Strangers Couples Edition" and I'm already cringing at this stuff.
You are making some efforts! Great job! Have a good time laughing. Just approach it for fun and with open heart.
Was she more specific about what she wants? "Open up more" is *very* vague. It would probably be helpful if she was more specific about what she would like from you. Vulnerability can't be forced. Deep emotional connections take time to build. They can't be forced into existence to meet some relationship milestone your gf has in mind (if that's what is going on).
My boyfriend and I love this game so much! We play in different dating stages, then revisit some questions in the past. I'd suggest that both of you have mutual understanding and agreement on this game. My boyfriend gave me a head up that his answers could be changed in the future or under other circumstances, that's fair.
The questions I don't mind so much the "wildcards" seem a bit too goofy IMO.
We... ignored all wildcards haha.
I'm going to recommend that rule as well lol!
That kind of proves her point.
Oh yeah she's 100% right about that and I'm working on it.
You bought the game, so that's a step in the right direction. I probably wouldn't refer to it as cringy to her, though. If she doesn't know about it yet, invite her over for dinner. Cook a nice meal, candles, soft music... then whip it out....the game, I meant the game.
I think she knows. She knows about it at least I had mentioned how I found a cringy card game and she said it sounded great to play. We probably gonna play it on the 4th, We had a day planned and she was wanting an afternoon game or something and it came in today.
What's cringy about it?
The questions themselves aren't bad the "wildcards" are stupid. "Write a love song and sing it you have one minute"
Just plagiarize the Barney theme song and call it a day
Aw yeah no that is cringy! Reminds me of some games I used to play as a kid. Maybe just skip the wildcards then haha
Because some of the questions are probably cheesy or overly emotional.
My partners get in tomorrow. Haven't seen them in a month. I'm unexpectedly excited, which probably sounds odd to most of you, but I generally don't get to up or to down about things. We went longer without seeing each other last summer. That's it. That's all I got today.
>>I’m unexpectedly excited I believe you, but - and I say this with genuine affection - I’m also picturing you going, “This *is* my excited face,” and laboriously shifting your expression from 😐 to 🙂… so now I kinda want to know what your excited face looks like. For science. Also, I’m very happy for you!! I hope you are riding high on all the reunion warm and fuzzies!!
It's more of a half smile. Leaves my mouth sore for days.
Little trick from my pageant days: Vaseline on your teeth. It only *sounds* disgusting. In reality, it was merely “kind of gross.”
To be fair in my head I see you get as riled up as Captain Holt does on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Rant Got kinda ghosted last week. Stupid me reached out with the dumbest question ever; are you also swamped with work 😶
eh, if they don't reply, just start sending photos of a swamp. Maybe they'll block you, maybe they'll be intrigued, maybe you'll end up learning a lot about swamps
He actually did respond. We had a short conversation on the whatsapp. But mid conversation he didn’t respond anymore and he didn’t continue it today so i archived the conversation and I am done.
That's not the dumbest question ever. The dumbest question here would have been, "Will you marry me?" Followed closely by "Have you seen my orange sock?" Your question is, maybe in the top 30%.
Haha love it!
I met this guy a couple of months ago and he gave me a really good feeling. It seemed to be mutual. But it was in a situation where neither of us could make a move. Since then, I've been going back and forth about what to do. I think I'm just going to go for it and reach out and see if he wants to be friends. I have nothing to lose. The timing will never be perfect. I just have to go ahead and do this. I don't know if he's single or if we'd be compatible. So I'm starting by just trying to befriend him, respecting his space, and we'll see what happens!
As a guy who works and gets hit on with the pretense of them trying to get stuff for free. Just shoot your shot and lay it out plainly. Worst case it's a no, but then you'll know.
I've actually waited a long time just so it doesn't look sketchy. I haven't seen him in almost 2 months. At that time, I ended the business relationship. I even sent him another email saying I had found what I was looking for and thanking him again for being great to work with briefly. I've been trying to wait at least another month after sending that email, but I think if I approach it the right way, it won't look bad.
Good Luck to you! This may not be the best advice but I vote to go for it. Maybe he’s really shy? What’s the worse that could happen.
Yes! I was a customer of his business, so it would have been wrong for him to hit on me. And if I had expressed any interest, I would have looked like I was trying to get something for free. I played it totally cool but felt really attracted to him. He gave me some looks that suggested he felt attracted to me but was trying to be professional (and he was). By the end of our interaction, he was acting a little shy like he liked me and felt nervous. It was SO cute. I'm used to guys negging or bragging or bullying when they feel shy, so to see someone (who seemed really nice and attractive) just act straight up shy was refreshing and honestly hot.
That’s so cute! Wishing you much success!
This women I'm seeing continues to go on dates and seems interested when we're together but I'm not sure. Is it worth laying my cards on the table, telling her I am and asking if she is? I'd like to continue seeing her but it seems things are completely one-sided at the moment.
My rule is if she keeps showing up to dates and there seems to be progression physically… kissing early on, hand holding, playful touching… then making out a few weeks in to dating, then to sex within a couple months then I think she’s interested in me… would need to know what’s it been like in your situation to give you any valuable feedback.
Why do you think she’s not interested? I would assume if she’s showing up for dates there’s interest there.
I'm usually good at reading people but she's shared she's dealing with stuff with her family and personal life. It's hard to tell if this is a more reserved version of who she normally is.
She's multidating because she doesn't want to put everything into one person only to get dumped in a couple of weeks. Do you want to just keep going out, or do you want exclusivity? Or am I misreading your post? If I am, and you're saying that you're not feeling the interest from her side despite still going on dates with you, then yes, lay your cards on the table. Same advice if I got it right the first time.
She did say she wasn't multidating. If you are happy to could you elaborate on why you suggest laying your cards on the table. Thanks for commenting anyway.
Because communication is important in relationships and even at this stage you should be able to say " I'm feeling x about y. How do you feel?" You won't know until you ask.
rant... Man the juice is running out... emptied the bumble/tinder queue, cycled the hinge queue, sent a message or ... three, empted the feeld queue... naaaada. Had this one lady who sent a like on hinge a while ago, didn't answer it cuz I was still dealing with fall out (shouldn't have had apps on my phone so soon yadda yadda). She disappeared. We match on bumble... and the timer expires... We just matched on Tinder and I send a message, probably not the greatest, but it wasn't "hey." and nada... I'll just let that message sit in the inbox, and carry on.. but like really? At least my distress tolerance is holding. So, I find myself getting back into photography, gotta have at least one non-outdoorsy/athletic hobby right? It's funny I got a good camera and all the stuff to take pictures for apps years ago but lucked out in other ways. Took a really banger of a [picture ](https://imgur.com/a/706aXyu)of myself today. I hate taking pictures of myself. I will gladly be the photographer boyfriend. But this shot? Crisp. It's funny cuz I just rolled outta bed, and tossed a button down shirt on... tomorrow I'll try after putting the rest of my face on, and by face I mean comb my hair... /rant... Hope everyone's week is off to a decent start :)
Great shot! 🔥
Thank you!
That's a great photo 👌
Thank you!
At least you still have your hair.
I mean… I’m also 5’8 😂
Hey don’t knock being 5’8”, that’s my favorite height. I can tuck my face right into the neck and shoulder of a 5’8” guy. It’s also low key embarrassing for me when tall guys have to bend down to hear me talk, I feel like a five year old every time this happens at work 😭
Oh I'm not hating on it so much as it's the "joke" that if you're not over 6'0 you're invisible as a man. I don't buy it, but sometimes those thoughts sneak in.. I love the feeling of the lady's face tucked into my neck... so you're between 5'5 and 5'6? I've been with women from 5'0 to 5'9... I hear you about having to look UP to meet someone's gaze...
Yup I’m 5’5”, and the guy I’m seeing is a perfect 5’8” ❤️ I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That means it's easier for them to see how illustrious your hair is. I gotta bend down and then see that disappointed face when they realize I'm really bald.
I take after Robin Williams... I'm short, furry, and funny... at least I think I'm funny.
I met a guy and have already started overthinking! He's so sweet and nice, but also I've noticed he seems a bit lost in his career path and is sort of the person that takes things day by day and just hopes things will work out. For example, he said his dream is to be a doctor even though he's starting the process later in life (he's 41), but then he hasn't been studying for the MCATs and keeps pushing back when he'll take the test. He also got laid off and keeps trying to extend his time spent not working. He spends most of his time working on home projects and says he's having trouble focusing on studying, which I understand, but also it confuses me why he isn't taking it more seriously since we are older and most people start this process much earlier. He talks about wanting a kid and family but also I wonder if he could commit to a lifestyle that supports that. But we have a really strong connection, he owns a small house, is close with his family, has good friends, takes good care of his house and pets, and is kind and thoughtful and respectful and treats me well. He's communicative and open to feedback. I just don't know if I'm overthinking the whole "want to be a doctor but won't study for it" thing, and this is something I have not brought up to him because I don't know if it's a real issue or if I'm being too judgey. Edit to add: he also told me he has ADHD.
He sounds a bit lost. I can totally relate to that feeling, although I'm freshly 30. After being in tech and getting laid off last year, it's really easy to fear it happening again and wanting to switch to something else. If I were still doing this at 41, i don't know how I'd date since I imagine at that age it is different. So yeah, you have every right to be thinking about your future with him. He might not have his priorities straight.
>He spends most of his time working on home projects and says he's having trouble focusing on studying, which I understand, but also it confuses me why he isn't taking it more seriously since we are older and most people start this process much earlier. Having trouble focusing is not necessarily an indicator of not taking something seriously or not wanting something. Does he have a history of career success? If so, he might be in a temporary slump. If not, you'd better decide if you want a long-term partner who you'll have to support.
He worked in tech and was laid off 1.5 years ago. He seemed successful in tech but was not happy. Since then he's been working on his house and enjoying not working, and planning to become a doctor, but he hasn't done much studying yet. His plan was to take the MCATS last month but now he's saying he may push it to next year.
Possibly has ADHD. Makes grand plans and starts projects but can't finish them. If he wants to be a doctor, you're talking about a decade of hard work, long schedules, and no money. And that's after he actually gets into a school. He's 41. Not 21. Presumably, you want a committed relationship. How can you have that with someone so unsettled in his life at that age? You're not overthinking. You're being practical.
Thank you. You know, I should have said this in my post. He does have ADHD. It does for sure seem to be playing a role, but yeah I worry because like you said, we're not 21! I guess dating is so grim that it's hard for me, since we have a good connection, but the practical stuff is important to me.
You're not overthinking anything. The men on this sub are carefully calculating things like car payments their new gf has or how much rent she's paid last year. This guy sounds completely out of touch with reality.
Dating requires soo much grit. It’s this endless cycle of hope, heartbreak, and self-care. When by my some miracle i meet someone who sees me and chooses to spend their life with me ill finally be crying happy tears.
I hear ya, I'm tired of feeling heartbreak again and again. Just want to find someone where we both find what we want and it works out.
Same 😩
[удалено]
I wouldn't take it as a slight. I might even reach out with a "how have you been" because you never know if he lost your number somehow. I've gotten new phones and random things were missing.. But I wouldn't get my hopes up either
I wanted to meet someone slowly, and IRL… But I forgot the anxiety of not knowing how someone feels about you, and not knowing if you should push beyond friendship. But, for the first time in a while, it is kind of nice to have a crush, the old-fashioned way.
I'm in the same boat too. It's nice, but can be frustrating as well
What stage of it are you in? / What’s next?
We went on one date, but there was some hesitation on her part. We talk a lot, but she's an erratic texter and we'll go from talking for hours one night to not hearing from her for a day and a half after she asks a question. I'm planning on asking for a second date either tonight or tomorrow for this weekend since I just got back in town after 4 days out of town.
That sounds promising — Good luck!
Thanks. I'm hopeful, skeptical, and nervous
I feel the same way! You’re not alone.
Last time I had asked about possibly being ghosted (again) by this guy who wouldn't commit to a time for our hike this past Saturday... and I'm starting to thing the advice to let it go was spot on. I texted him that morning to make sure we were still on, scared he'd ghost like last time, and he said yes... but still never offered a time. Then at 10am he is saying he is getting ready and will see me there. I was a bit shocked at the assumption that he never needed to tell me when it was going to be, and I had to rush a little to get into my hiking clothes. Then when I got there... he didn't exactly look like his photos. They weren't photoshop or necessarily old... he had a completely different hair situation and looked a lot slimmer. I generally don't like guys that are really skinny. The conversation on the hike was awkward at times but nothing too bad for a first date. We get back to the parking lot and it gets full awkward... I'm getting eaten alive, shoes and pants are soaked and he is obviously trying to drag it out. He asked once if I wanted to do something after and I told him that I'd prefer to just go home so I could change and get dry... then he asks about coming over and I had to communicate a clear boundary, which he seemed to take well. He said we could go to the fireworks on Monday night and I said it might be fun. He still asked again if I wanted to do something else. So I asked if he had something in mind and he had no ideas... so I was at a loss why he kept asking me when the rain was getting worse. We hugged and parted ways. His general communication style has also been almost erratic random questions, which sometimes flow into a convo. That night he asked me what music I listened to and then stated the country station was good here. Then yesterday he randomly asked about who is the best barber in town (how am I supposed to know?) And then asks about my dogs grooming. He finally asked when he could see me again - I told him I was heading out with a friend to see some fireworks and would be back really late or in the morning. So either Monday evening or later in the week. His reply was just "whenever you're back" and that is the last I heard of him. I am drained today after a 1am drive home but he hasn't texted me once, no follow up, no recommendation on a day for the next date. I literally had an old situationship and an ex invite me to see the fireworks with them tonight, but no word from this guy when I had expressed an interest and told him I was available. I think I had to just get it out of my system but I don't even have it in me to text him back at this point, so the interest isn't there. I know I need someone who can communicate consistently and takes initiative, and those things just aren't his style.
Can you imagine if you guys had to communicate about something important? There’s no future here.
It does sound a bit like you want this to work out, but it’s really not a great match. I would just leave it be. Or you could be forward and let him know you appreciate better communication and if he’s up for it, you’d like to plan another date. See how it goes.
Part of it really is me relating to him as a fellow shy person but I'm seeing it isn't a great match. I shouldn't have to pester him to get a day/time to be told at the last minute he's ready to go. If this was our first time engaging I might give him some advice for what I need - but this was his last chance after ghosting me last year. He should be on his best behaviour after that! He even knew I wanted to go to the fireworks tonight, I said I would go with him, I again told him I was free tonight yet he is wishy washy. So one of the guys who asked me to go with them as a friend (because they remembered I love fireworks) gets my energy tonight.
I don't even understand why you consider seeing him again? The fact he never told you the time to go hiking is disrespectful in my opinion, it seems like you don't find him particularly attractive physically and that the conversation was meh at best.
I think in my head it had something to do with being ghosted by him before... I'm sure my therapist will unpack the psychology of it all. I agree it's disrespectful and I've gone to war with exes over disrespecting my time. I guess I was cutting him a break because he said he was very shy, thinking maybe he'd improve once we met, but clearly not. After a string of bad experiences (where there was sparks and chemistry) I guess I wanted to see if giving it a chance to grow would be better... But I honestly don't think I would want to even see him again.
[удалено]
Do you have a second date actually planned? I know you reached out but did he participate in planning?
[удалено]
Definitely sounds like a wait and see situation! I would keep your feelings neutral till second date
Sounds like he's not interested
[удалено]
All of it? He didn't ask you out again, doesn't seem excited, not texting as much.
So you met someone you like, had a fun date, and are now planning a second? Sounds all good from here.
Hinge just prompted me to: •take a selfie •let it review my photos and use facial recognition to find pictures of me •let it suggest the ones they think people will like to use on my profile I… don’t know how I feel about that.
Ask yourself how that is any different from you yourself uploading pictures of yourself to Hinge.
Im dating such a shy guy. He is a sweetheart but I just don’t know what to do to make him feel like he can be more physical with me. I already made the move when I reciprocated a kiss on our second date, held hands with him through a movie, and instigated a kiss/ very long makeout on the third. For our forth date we met during the day and hugged, but no peck, hand holding, anything… and yes, I’m confident he wants to see me again. So it’s just left me confused and feeling like things wont progress if I don’t keep giving him fresh boosts of confidence?? It’s nice to have someone be so respectful for a change but as the woman I don’t want to always be the one coming onto him? Has anyone been in this boat? The advice I usually see is for women to give men that initial green light but I already did. I’d love him to run with it now. Maybe I just gotta be patient!
Have you hung out privately (like at one of your places) in the evening (perhaps with a bottle of wine)? Some ‘shy’ people don’t like pda but will get up to stuff when the time/venue is right (from their perspective):
Yes third date was lunch at his place, so after we ate and were hanging out on his couch and holding hands, I could tell the intent was there but he was scared, so I asked if we could kiss. We then made out for like 1.5 hours! But didn’t have sex because it felt too early / it was during the day. I was more keen just to break the ice and let him know I was comfortable with him so he could relax!
Would try a dinner at one of your places and see if things head in the right direction
Good idea. I don’t want to initiate though. Like surely he can go for it now if he’s keen and a dinner in a private setting is organized?