Need advice or just someone to clarify something for me. (I am a 34M) I've been OLD for a bit now and besides just about every profiles love for adventure, wineries/breweries, hiking, and travel is that the majority of the women in my area have in their profile that they are looking for a man with "ambition" or who is "goal-driven". Is this code for something that I'm just not understanding? I kind of take this to mean their looking for a guy constantly like... getting degrees, aiming for a promotion, winning marathons or something. I know "ambitious" doesn't cover me, I've got post-grad degree, a house, a position in a job I want to retire in, and am completely comfortable where I am professionally. Is this stability a turn-off to women who want someone ambitious? Or again am I not understanding what their looking for? Any thoughts are appreciated.
It sounds like you are set and don’t have anything to worry about. I talked to a 34 year old man who said he worked in “Sales”. I asked what kind of sales in conversation, turns out it was a storefront retail job. I’m not knocking people who earn an honest living, but I would like a man who does something more than the average teenager could qualify for. Have a career, or be working towards one. You don’t need a college degree but be curious and committed to learning. Be passionate about something.
Ok, that’s good to hear, especially as the people who replied are saying mostly the same things. I’m a teacher with no intentions of becoming admin or moving up so the whole, ambition thing, was throwing me off a little
I think you probably would be what they're looking for tbh. I would guess that very few of them are looking for constant hunger and "ambitious" is mostly just dating app code for "not a semi-employed stoner".
Ooooooh, that is what that means?! I read that on guy's profiles a lot too and always thought they mean very career-driven, at least post grad, 50h/week, never satisfied with the current position, etc.
They are looking for someone that has a career or job, that has financial stability and the potential to increase in salary. They want someone that is able to contribute or provide financially and/or wants to move up the ladder. That said what that means person-to-person means something different.
Went on three dates with someone(31F) I (30M) matched with on a dating app in the past 3 weeks. It's been really great so far and I am definitely curious as we have a lot in common. I've initiated all three dates - drinks, activity, dinner dates and they've all gone great but sadly not seeing any planning or effort on her part. We still text everyday but a part of me feels like the connection is losing some steam especially since our conversations in person have been so much better. I have no problem asking her on another date but don't want to come across as lovebombing. What would yall do in this situation?
A lot of women want to be pursued. In my experience most women don’t put in much effort in planning or initiating dates. That doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in you at all. They are just more old school in wanting a guy to make the moves.
With all of my past LTR, the girl was helping make plans and ambitious from the start. In my experience with dating, the girls who expect you to do 100% of the work and never make any effort never go anywhere are just energy drains. They are either low effort, entitled, lazy, just not that interested. All legit reasons not to pursue them.
Got back to dating apps after a 5-month break in May. Got 0 matches in 6 weeks, which was expected as I live in a low-density populated area, I don't pay for the apps and I'm just an average looking guy.
Last week I woke up and found out I had a match with a lovely girl.
Texted her and had a nice conversation, invited her for a drink, to which she agreed.
We met on Sunday night and we had a pleasant time, she's cute and smart and we seem to share values and dreams. We were the last ones to leave the pub after midnight.
There wasn't any spark, just pleasant chatting. I can say I was intrigued.
But I got hurt so many times with online dating that I kind of expected a no to a second date. Instead, on Monday I texted her and she agreed to a second date on Tuesday because she would leave for a work trip on Wednesday.
We went to another pub, had another great chat and we were almost asked to leave the pub by the waitress as we were among the last customers still sitting. So we walked to her car and chatted a bit more, she hugged and kissed me on the cheek before leaving.
On my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about the amazing night I had. I went from intrigued to 100% interested. So I got home and texted her to thank her for the night. She replied saying she had a great time too and said she felt like the time flew by, she also agreed to a third date after she'll be back from the work trip. I couldn't believe it and still can't. I texted her last night to ask about the trip and she replied, although she must have been tired.
But again, with online dating I've been there before and, despite the positive signals, I can't help but think she'll disappear. I tend to focus on the negatives, like the fact that she has never texted me first. Now I have to go through a whole week with this ridiculous sense of impending failure. Why can't my brain just be happy?
I was so anxious reading this and rooting you on waiting for the punch and I am so happy that one didn’t come. I know how you feel and it can be a hard road to let your guard down, but I will say this, keep being yourself.
Don’t let the negative thoughts cause you to do or to say something out of an anxious rumination and instead try to be kind and respectful of her time while also understanding that even if she isn’t replying in the time you think you want her to or doesn’t seem too energetic in certain moments, give her the benefit of the doubt that she is still just as excited as she was on your last date, until she tells you she isn’t.
Go with the flow, feel all the things, but don’t let the possibility of “what if this is the moment she’s done” get in the way of enjoying where you are right now
Is it possible that the guy thought I wasn't interested because of this and that's why he lost interest in meeting again? I had to borrow something from him on the first date and later I wrote about meeting up to give it back to him. At first, he reacted very enthusiastically, but due to some anxiety and shyness, instead of proposing a real date, I suggested that we catch up briefly after work and suddenly he changed his tone and wrote that he didn't have time at the moment. Are these just excuses and he's not interested, or could he have thought that I didn't want to go on another date with him at all and I only wanted to meet to give him his stuff back? We actually made out and he was really affectionate, so I could tell he was at least physically into me, but I ended up confused.
I was meant to meet a girl from Hinge on Wednesday, but she cancelled. She has a job interview the following day and wants to prepare and be in the right headspace.
So, we immediately rescheduled our first date to Monday evening. I even told her that if she's no longer feeling it, then it is absolutely fine, and we don't need to see each other. She promised she's not blowing me off
It's Thursday, and she just had her job interview, but it didn't go well. She was unwell with tonsillitis and woke up late.
Do you think she's making excuses not to meet and giving me a hint, or should I ask if she would like to reschedule again?
Sorry, but the Wednesday cancellation excuse sounds lame. I'd leave it by wishing her well and say you'd still like to meet up, but let her know that she needs to pick a good date for her. Don't be surprised if you never hear back.
Honestly, I've had zero luck with girls who cancel for any excuse. Even the ones who reschedule seem to flake on the reschedule date half of the time. Usually once they cancel the first date I move them to a lower priority and set my expectations low while I still swipe on other girls.
Did she say she's blowing off Monday? If not I wouldn't assume. It's devastating to blow a job interview you were prepping hard for and if she's sick to boot, it's going to be hard for her to give you enthusiasm when she has more pressing matters on her mind.
Our latest messages:
Me: I'm more than happy to reschedule again, or we could see closer to the time? It's entirely your call
Her: I’d hate to infect you so let’s see how well I recover. Thank you for being so understanding as well. Big green flag.
Has she cancelled the date for Monday? If she has cancelled, then I would leave the ball in her court to reschedule. The person who cancels should be the one who suggests another date
Me: I'm more than happy to reschedule again, or we could see closer to the time? It's entirely your call
Her: I’d hate to infect you so let’s see how well I recover. Thank you for being so understanding as well. Big green flag.
Shall I continue talking to her? If she wasn't interested, she could just not... reply, right?
I do really well on Hinge, so I dont have a problem getting first dates.
It's just.. I really like her and want to meet her at some point
I am recently divorced and haven't gone on a date in 10 years. I don't even know where to start. I really just want a booty call. I'm horrified of seeing someone I know on an app.
Some apps let you block people you know by phone number. And anyways when you do see people you know it's really not a big deal, it's super common to use dating apps, and I mean they do too so nobody has done anything weird or bad. Good luck!
I was looking for a relationship, so I probably can't help too much.
I have done best on Bumble, then Hinge, then Tinder. If I remember right Hinge had the feature to block contacts. I'm a man who seems to go for left leaning, pretty independent, highly educated women which seems to be Bumble's primary market.
Try to be honest with what you're looking for. One's success looking for casual is highly dependent on gender and attractiveness, of course.
Well if you're just looking for something casual, then Tinder is probably the best choice there.
I use Bumble, as i find it has a good balance between casual and people who are looking for something long term. At least for me, anyway. People will have different opinions on this!
Went on a first date with a guy from hinge this week and it went okay- we’re tentatively planning a second date and the only days he’s available next week are days I’m not available. Between not being that excited for the second date and the fact that I’ll either have to wait longer for a second date or rearrange my schedule makes me want to call it off now 🫠🙃 not sure what to do
I got through the screening call of dating service today. The call was conducted by the co-founder who asked very thorough & difficult questions, which I appreciate. It shows that they are taking it seriously.
The next step is to wait for them to hook me up lol. Based on the service, I am technically guaranteed to go on 6 first dates. So let's see!
I also got my first helix ear piercing yesterday. It's a stunning white gold stud. It was one of the many things I planned to do, post breakup with Mr Peppa. It's also a reminder that I can turn even the most painful life events into something beautiful.
Two dates with 32M. On the second date, he told me that he wants to meet people and that he is not closed to anything but he is going to have a hard time getting into a relationship. I get the feeling that he's just looking for something casual even though he's throwing messages at me about things to do in the future or showing vulnerability. We didn’t have sex even tho we fooled around. I decided I didn’t want to do it on the second date and he respected that.
I know that to protect myself the best thing I can do is to stay out of this, but I'm thinking "what if I give it a chance?"
He doesn’t want anything serious but if you’re on board with keeping it casual, there’s no harm in continuing with a non-exclusive casual arrangement.
He told you he’s enjoying dating around and doesn’t really want a relationship so he’s been honest. Don’t ignore what he’s saying and try to read into his actions because you really like him. That’s not going to end well.
I feel that. There’s some people I just know I can’t do casual with because I am going to fall for them, and if that’s all they want, I end it immediately. It’s not worth the heartache.
Love and being in love are two different things. You're not going to always be in love with your ex. You might always have a degree of love/care for him though, and that's a normal thing for healthy relationships that end without anyone being a jerk to the other. Time and focus on other things will take you out of the acute grief stage you're currently in and leave you mostly with fond memories.
I don't think gender changes anything, but I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that the data shows that men have more struggles moving on from their exes since they usually have less emotional support from their social circles like friends and family to really talk about things and help process, on top of their partner fulfilling more emotional roles in their lives than women who have stronger emotional ties outside of their relationships. Seek out support from your friends, family or professional help to work through these pretty unhealthy emotions.
I do not want to pick fights at all. Why would I want to fight anyone on the internet? I know that is a fairly common trope on Reddit but I really enjoy this community and that’s not how I want to interact with anyone here at all. You can have a look at my comment history if you like, I’m literally never picking fights and I love this place.
I see people use the daily’s as a journal of sorts so I thought I would add my own. I’ll think about doing that in the future, not in a problematic sense but maybe this isn’t the right place because it’s quite emotional and maybe people don’t like seeing that too much.
I appreciate your sentiment completely, I truely do. When I suggested that I was a guy it was seen as unhealthy after that. That’s my interpretation. If that’s wrong I admit that completely and totally. They didn’t gender me. I know that. When I was gendered it was slightly different in tonality is all. Again if I’ve interpreted that wrong that’s fine.
I’m completely able to see when I’m wrong and admit that. I pride myself on that. I also reserve the right to back myself in that space.
I never assumed your gender so not sure where you're getting that from, and also I don't understand why you're so defensive. You described your emotions as crying frequently about a relationship that ended a while ago and struggling to move on, it's not exactly my unique interpretation that this is unhealthy, it just is unhealthy being stuck in the past to the point where it affects your current life.
For those of you who grew up thinking that not taking up space and not being a burden meant safety… how have you learnt to take up space and ask for your needs to be met in adult romantic relationships? *Asking for a friend.*
Therapy & a whole lot of just leaning into the discomfort. The exposure effect works wonders here - the more you do it, the easier it gets, the more normal it feels.
Also leaning into the right people who has earned your trust, plays a vital role too.
There will be people who disappoint you & that's okay too. Don't take it personally when it happens. We learn & move onto the right person :)
Lots of therapy initially to heal childhood trauma!
I was also in a support group for many years alongside that which was transformational and learnt self-love, repareting myself and growing self esteem etc
Then after that just exploring many books and podcasts on relational topics and literally how to set boundaries and express my needs.
As I literally didn't even have the words to know what healthy expression was. How to ask for help / support / space
Also Learning to self care / self love in order that I firstly BELIEVE I deserve love and to take up space, then finding the tools via podcast / books etc to actually put it into practice.
By embracing that discomfort instead of running from it or pretending it's not there.
I find it easier to be honest enough to say upfront "This is difficult/awkward/new for me to do, so please bear with me...". It sets expectations and often prevents defensiveness, they can see you're trying and that's really important. Just being vulnerable is counterintuitively easier than trying to be confident.
Attempted to make a post but don’t have enough comments here yet and I can’t copy and paste what I wrote :/ I was having a nice convo with a guy on FB dating that seemed to be going well enough, but then he either unmatched or deactivated his account by the next morning. There were no warning signs that he wanted to stop communication, and I can’t figure it out.
Could be any number of things. Could be he's shy and realised he couldn't follow through and meet. Maybe he became exclusive with someone else or he had a rough time with another date and decided to bail on dating for a while. Maybe he realised he wasn't over his ex.
It was weird because he said he liked that I communicated clearly, and when I added that I feel it’s better to be clear and genuine than to mislead someone, he agreed that we’re adults who can say what we want or feel without someone feeling led on. He said all kinds of things that suggested he wanted to keep talking/getting to know each other and was going to suggest we meet up except our schedules didn’t line up this week. He said he’s been single for a few years so it didn’t seem like an ex was in the picture, but you’re right, there’s any number of things it could be.
In OLD you will run into flakes, bullshitters, people who are already in relationships etc...when something like someone unmatches or their account being deactivated after a brief chat you need to take that as a sign this person wasn't who they were portraying themselves to be, instead of trying to 'figure it out', be thankful and go find someone else that will see things through all the way to a date in person
Anyone else gets turned off by extremely successful men? I work in the tech startup industry and when I find out someone I just met is running a successful business and/or has done really well with investments I immediately become less joking-friendly (my default mode) and more into curious-work friendly. Maybe it comes from knowing a few friends that are ok as friends but would be heinous as life partners. There is a running tendency to be controlling, paranoia, judgmental (probably traits that make them good at analysing businesses and making money) and power imbalance because they can/will influence their partners to what they want. Also they inevitably end up working with their partners to some degree all of which gives me the ick. Also if you’ve ever seen the ending of an acrimonious relationship where one party is vastly wealthier than the other, it is a real shitshow. Basically one side can lawyer up and make life really difficult for the side that doesn’t have the funds to retain a lawyer on call
Yes, because I assume our lifestyles will differ so much. I was married to an entrepeneur and his life circled around his work. He also went from being dirt poor when we met to being an actual millionaire, but was always frugal and sharing costs was a chore. People (men and women alike) in finance especially also generally seem to have such a different vibe than me I just don't gel with them.
I'd honestly much rather date some poor philospher than a rich banker.
Actually, yes, now that you say it!
On one hand I get intimidated immediately and on the other hand I'm questioning, how they got there and if they live in the same world I'd wanna live in.
I get to see him today! I’m taking the train to the city to meet him, and we’re gonna spend a few days together exploring. I’m so excited to cuddle him again.
His friend is gonna be in town this month, and he asked if he could introduce me to them. Feeling pretty nervous about meeting new people, but excited that he’s taking the relationship seriously and wants to integrate me into his life.
Updating some photos on hinge and want some feedback on one. What do you all think?
https://imgur.com/a/0JvODoH
PS thank you to everybody who gave me feedback on regrowing the beard about a month ago, I definitely think it was the right choice.
I definitely agree on beard being better than no beard. However, I would recommend shaping up the beard and trimming your hair, then taking this photo again. In your last post, the photos where your hair has layers and was slightly above the shoulders in front were better than the one where your layers had all grown out, and it’s the same here.
So apparently 2 dates with me is like 9 because of “making him wait and all the texting - he’s taking it so slow he’s practically in reverse”. Well that’s 1 hurtful and 2- obviously your not a nice man sigh
What a garbage thing to say to you. I'm so sorry. At least you don't have to waste anymore of your time on this douche.
And you just know he thought that comment about "taking it so slow he's practically in reverse" was the funniest thing anyone and has ever said. He probably rushed to tell his friends about that one🙄
My last ex on his profile said he was 5'10". He wasn't. We never addressed it. My boyfriend before him said he was 5'11.5" due to scoliosis.
I knew dating the last guy it wasn't true, just based on how much taller than me he was (I'm guessing he's actually 5'7" or 5'8").
I'm not a size queen in any way, but I also don't care for liars. That one guy and I broke up a few months ago, so I felt free to spend time with my ex while he was in the city. And considering how much he towered over me versus mr. "5'10"", I'm calling sheninagings (sp).
And I wouldn't care, but the previous guy's profile popped up for me today on a dating app, and it still shows 5'10". That man is not 5'10".
That's a man's top insecurity. I wouldn't judge someone for it, but I might work in a conversation about validation. You wanna know how to deal with or support an insecure person.
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Should I meet this girl? She has offered to meet at a coffee-place for 30 mins. She has set a specific, fixed day, time, duration. I find it silly, disrespectful?
We both are 30/31 years old, met at online dating, and both want a serious relationship. I asked her out earlier to which she said busy. And now, again for a dinner, to which she offered a coffee-place instead.
That’s exactly what I would do although I’ve never once encountered as it’s a wild thing to do. Why would I spend more time getting ready and driving to meet someone than the actual date?
Not really yet thats the difference between 20s & 30s i guess. 20s i would just be happy to meet any girl.
Now in 30s, it’s also my and her effort, my and her time.
You want someone desperate who indiscriminately puts that much effort into every stranger she meets? Remember you are a random stranger. She doesn't even know if she's interested.
A short date zero over coffee for a vibe check is becoming pretty normal. Setting a time and day for a date are pretty standard. And even setting a time limit if she's busy really isn't that big of a deal.
I’m not sure it works well, so it’s sad if that actually is becoming a standard. I used to go to such short dates (up to an hour) only because I met people between other activities and none of those meetings ever led to anything, only successful ones where the ones when there were at least a few hours to get to know each other even if only for a “vibe check”.
If you’re looking for a reason not to go just cancel.
She offered a plan and you tried to counter twice. She reiterated the plan she offered. Are you finding it “disrespectful” because she didn’t give in to what you wanted?
I would personally nope out of that, whether she is truly too busy to date or this is her way of protecting herself to not waste her time on duds, it's just not an exciting starting point if you're hoping for romance, fun, or life partner. People these days are completely forgetting how a connectionis actually develops.
I don't really see the problem, she probably had a bad experience and just want to go on a quick date where you can't complain if she wants to leave "early".
Or she is just busy and trying to fit you in her schedule.
Personally I wouldn't go on a 30 minute date. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting a time limit on a first date, I usually aim for an hour with a hard max of two, but depending on how it's communicated it can certainly come off as being disrespectful. I matched with a woman last week who said no to a date because she wanted to chat to find out compatibility before committing an evening because she's too busy. If you're too busy to go on a date to meet somebody in person that's already an incompatibility for me but I'm sure other guys are ok with that approach, it's all individual.
Meh, I think that’s fine.
I (31F) also like to have an exit strategy, but I do think 30 mins is too short. I usually do 2hrs. So, I think she’ll probably not stick to that 30mins, bc what could you possibly learn in 30 mins? A lot of folks nowadays like the first date to be super casual and then do full meals on subsequent dates, so that’s not too uncommon these days. Head out on the date and see what’s up! :)
Yea if I have to spend more time getting ready and driving to the date than I will with the actual person then it feels like a waste for me.
Also I’m on the same page with you on the length of a 1st date. I see people here say they want to keep it to an hourish max. All my best first dates that led to 5+ dates were easily 2 hours where it felt like time flew by.
Had a 2nd date last Sunday where we went to this casual place for dinner. We wrapped up eating in the first 45 minutes or so and then spent another 1:45 just sitting there talking like we had known each other for years.
Totally agree. 2 hrs is a good sweet spot I feel like. And that’s awesome you’re having such great dates it seems!
I’m concerned by this person saying 30 mins up front … but there’s like no way they can actually mean that right? Like, I think about some of the verbiage I’ve come across. “Want to meet up for a quick dessert” and then it ends up being 2 hrs. Hmmm…
Going to a first meet, with 30 mins limit default, unnecessary sets pressure; and makes it unnatural event. Thats my feeling. We both would just be looking at our watches…
Thats my concern , I don’t have any issues with any meeting ending in 30 minutes naturally, but why start it off with such constraint?
Yeah, I think thats a weird ask, that’s why I think it is a nonstarter. Because what is 30 mins going to do? So, I think she was just saying that. I wouldn’t really let it bother me. It comes off as a defense mechanism, but on the actual date itself I doubt it will be so stringent. You can always ask, if you feel comfortable, can we do an hour instead of 30 mins? Or .. just meet up and see what’s up. Or don’t I guess if it’s making you uncomfortable, that’s well within your right too.
(33M) First date ended with touching and making out, but says she (41F) needs to determine what she wants out of this as she’s older.
I (33M) met up with this wonderful woman (41F) after a week of talking and flirting. She would usually message me first asking how my day is, etc.
We finally met for coffee and talked for a little over an hour. While she was talking about something personal, I ended up holding her hand with mine and feeling it with my fingers, and she was receptive, squeezing my hand back.
I walked her back to her car and I was really attracted to her, so I asked if I could kiss her. She said she didn’t mind at all, so we started making out for a good minute before I asked if she wanted to sit in my car to makeout for just a little longer. She said yeah.
Well, we got in my car and we made out some more. She voluntarily crawled over onto my lap and I was feeling her while making out. It got really heated and I started to suck on her nipples, licking her neck, then took off her pants and long story short she said she came while I was playing with her and giving her oral. No sex. I ate her out after in my car and then she said she’s never done anything like this before. I felt bad and said I was sorry, I couldn’t stop thinking about her all week. She was like I was really good with my fingers but felt bad that I didn’t cum. I told her I don’t need to, I just wanted her since I was attracted to her.
So after 30-40 minutes of that, I dropped her off at her car. She texted me when she got back home and said she would sleep well tonight because of what happened.
Next day, I texted her after work telling her I missed last night and hope to see her again. I do genuinely like her and want to know more about her, but I’m also attracted to her.
She texted me back and said she thought about me too, but had mixed emotions about what she wants out of this as she’s looking for something long term. I told her I understand and respect her decision, but enjoyed talking to her and everything. Also apologized for my actions. She said I had nothing to be sorry about and she enjoyed her time and had lots of fun, but she’s looking for something long-term. I just said I understand and we haven’t talked since.
We’re still friends on social media and haven’t removed each other off the dating app. She hasn’t reached out to me since so I assume she’s gone now.
I’m just wondering if she just wasn’t that into me and let me do whatever transpired for the sake of it, or if there was mutual attraction but she genuinely doesn’t want to talk because she thinks I’m only looking for fun. Even though I said before I’m looking for something long term too.
It’s just the making out and oral sex confused me because if she wasn’t into me, would that have happened? The making out and oral sex/fingering got me really confused with how she responded I guess.
Sounds like she just let me down easy but trying to see what went wrong, like was she not attracted or maybe something else? She also hasn’t deleted me off Instagram or the dating app after a week of not talking if that means anything.
Thanks for any insight. I don’t date much.
*** Edit: after I texted her the following day about how I enjoyed last night and couldn’t stop thinking of her, this is how she responded:
“Haha hey OP, how are you? I had a good day and I hope you did too. So glad tomorrow is Friday, can’t wait to get off work.
I thought about you today as well OP. Although I’m feeling a little bit of mixed emotions and I just need to think about how I’m feeling and what I want from this. I hope that’s okay with you”
So I said I was sorry for what happened and I’ll give her time, she said not to be sorry, she had lots of fun and a great time but needs to determine if there is “long term compatibility” since that is what she’s looking for.
I didn’t reply after that, thinking she just needed time to text me back.
My guess is that she's attacted to you but thinks you two are incompatible. And tbh I'd make the same judgment in her shoes - age difference / lifestage, diet, politics are all big differences. But state you'd be open to long term with her plainly if you want to give it a last shot.
Right, that’s what I was thinking too which is why I respected her opinion and didn’t want to push.
I just ask myself why she knew all of this beforehand and only said it after we had our date, kissed and fooled around. She knew of it before so I came to my conclusion that she wasn’t attracted to me and was just being nice and made out with me. I’m very inexperienced with dating but I like her a lot so I’ve been trying to figure out if she just isn’t into me or if it’s just incompatibility with our differences and not attraction.
Thanks for your perspective by the way.
I’m sure she’s attracted to you, but women can also be attracted to someone and enjoy sex with them without wanting something long term.
I think it’s worth asking her out and specifying that you want long term and you really like her to determine if she’s confused about what you want or not romantically into you. It’s pretty ambiguous right now.
🎶knee deep in the passenger seat and you’re eating me out, is it casual now 🎶
I think you need to tell this lady that you’re after something serious. My bf was like you when I met him and didn’t use his words correctly through awkwardness. I ended up dumping him and ignoring him for a year (but it all worked out well in the end).
That’s great to hear. I’ll probably reach out to her. I like her a lot despite the differences we have with politics and diet and all.
I don’t want to be that creepy or pushy guy so when I asked if I could see her again and she said she needed time to think, I wanted to respect that. But now that she hasn’t responded at all, I figured it was her way of letting me down easy and not attracted to me. So now I can’t stop thinking about her lol
Seriously, this sounds so similar to my situation. He was too shy to tell me how he felt, so I put him in to a player category. It’s funny because now I know he really isn’t.
Just message her stating that you are ultimately looking for a long term relationship and ask her on a date. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck!
Will do, thank you again. Since you are a woman, I just wanted to ask you for your perspective on something. Let’s say maybe she really isn’t into me, would a woman make out with a guy and let him give her oral if she weren’t attracted to him just to be nice? I mean it’s a stupid question but curious from your point of view because I wonder what else it could be if she truly isn’t into me. Like maybe our differences if it isn’t attraction
I'm actually the same age as your lady and I would say no, I would not do anything sexual with someone I wasn't attracted to. And you made her cum so she must have felt some sort of attraction and was at ease with you. The way you describe her makes me think that she wouldn't do something she doesn't want to just to "be nice".
I also think women are attracted to far more than just looks. Personally, I'm attracted to stability, reliability and kindness. I swoon every time my man turns up to pick me up at the exact time planned (to the minute!).
It sounds to me like she's told you what she's looking for, hasn't received a positive response from you that you're on the same page, and has then moved on. Send the message today. What's the worst that can happen?
Bit of a long story....
When I first ended it we agreed to stay friends, during this time he asked to see me around 10 times but it was always last minute and felt casual so I kept saying no (he'd ask if I fancied going for a coffee that afternoon etc). Then I got irritated with him keep asking me out last minute so I ghosted him for a few months. During that time he reached out every 3-4 weeks trying to make conversation and I would ignore him (even though I would have a huge grin on my face and butterflies in my belly). After about 9 months of this (in October) I responded to one of his messages telling him off and to stop wasting my time and asking me out at the last minute.
Then he messaged again in January, I was in a good mood that day so I responded and the rest is history.
The weird bit is I found out on Sunday that he didn't date anyone else last year as he was too focussed on trying to make a go of things with me despite me "ignoring him" as he put it. This is an incredibly handsome, cool, funny and successful man. To think of him pining over me for a year blows my mind. I mean, I was pining over him too but I thought he was just after one thing.
If he had just said a year ago, when I originally ended it, that he did like me and wanted to make a go of things then we would be 16 months into a relationship instead of 4 months. Hence why I think it's really important that you use your words and speak from your heart.
Wow. That is so cool, really happy for you guys. Glad it worked out.
Yeah, I guess I’ll give it a shot. I’ve always been afraid to appear clingy or needy but I guess one more text to her won’t hurt and then it’s in her court after that. I do want to check on her every now and then like your boyfriend did lol, I’ve done that before with success but not every woman is the same.
Yeah, I should’ve said that. I don’t understand what it means when a woman says mixed emotions, I assumed it was a gentle way of her letting me down because she said she needed time to think if that’s okay.
So I wanted to give her space.
I may reach out to her in a few days or weeks to see how she’s doing. But thank you for your advice
When she mentioned multiple times she's looking for long term why did you reply "I understand" instead of something along the lines of "me too"? From what you wrote it seems like she's maybe feeling like you were just wanting to hook up and while she enjoyed it that's not what she's looking for. It certainly reads like she wanted reassurance you're interested in the same thing she is but your responses as reported here provided absolutely no reassurance.
Yeah, I see what you’re saying. I guess I should’ve said that but wanted to respect her decision for space to think since she said she had mixed emotions and didn’t understand what that meant.
I have low self esteem and didn’t want to be a jerk or pressure her into seeing me again, but I assumed she wasn’t attracted to me or regretted doing that with me because I’m ugly.
Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it.
She obviously doesn't think you're ugly if she matched with you, went on a date with you, and then fooled around with you. That's a guarantee she's attracted to you. If you're into her do not wait days or weeks to text. That's liable to feel like you're trying to circle back because you don't have other options or something. Text her tomorrow and say something like "hey, I'd love to take you out again are you free this weekend?" If she mentions long term again make it clear that you are also interested in long term. And also stop apologizing, she made it clear that she enjoyed herself but she wants to know if there's more to you. Take her out and show her you are also interested in getting to know her with her pants on.
Edit: she also likely did not need time to think. She needed time for you to communicate what she wanted to hear.
I appreciate your time reading and giving me advice. It really means a lot from a stranger.
I can’t get her out of my head and I’ve dealt with rejection a lot, so it consumes me and I keep trying to wonder what went wrong. I’ll reach out. Thank you
Basically what McSaucy4418 is saying is that you need to man up, she's 41, while she may be attracted to your youth it doesn't mean she wants a boy. Apologising to her makes you look soft and feeble, you got sexual and mutually enjoyed it what are you apologising for?
You want to see her again make your intentions known clearly and direct, again she's 41, is she divorced? kids? there's also the possibility that she has had other guys mess her around just for sex, her saying she is looking for long term compatibility means she is looking for a man that will give her a stable relationship, someone that can also take the lead without any baggage.
I know this is not advice that is applicable for everyone depending on where you live and whether or not it’s something you see for yourself, but I do improv and it’s a great hobby to learn and also expose you to some great people.
Improv actually has a lot of therapeutic value, such as accepting mistakes without shaming yourself, and it’s great for practicing active listening. It’s also fun and can teach you to be quick on your feet.
Improv also tends to attract a lot of generally good people, in my experience. I actually recently made some really great friends via improv, and one of them said when he moved to my city 2 years ago he went and did a bunch of improv classes cuz he knew he’d meet fun people who’d make good friends and he was absolutely right. Not only that, there are a lot of cute singles who do improv 😏
Ofc, your mileage may vary, but if you’ve been thinking “I need to try something different” maybe it’s something to consider.
I'm (39M) considering going back on the apps but I would like to get my pictures reviewed first, if you would like to give me your opinion on them, please comment or send me a message and I'll send you the link in private.
I’ve run into this a few times. If you want to, what has helped me (and I think them?) every time is saying like, “no worries it’s all good, reply whenever you need to, no need to apologize it’s not necessary.” Because I think it must stem from those guys running into women or whoever prior who got mad at their response times. So I think it helps to communicate that you’re a different person so they can relax 🤣.
I ran into a couple guys like that. It was a huge turn off. Like I get apologizing if something legitimately came up and it took 2 DAYS to reply, but 2 hours? Come on.
Oof, I had that with a guy I saw a few times recently. I'm a relatively slow but overall consistent texter; at least once a day, but sporadic throughout the day --- I can maintain a single conversation over many days, but you should expect anywhere from immediate to 12 hours from now between responses.
And every time this guy texted me back, it was almost immediate OR he'd include "sorry, I was busy!" if he took longer than like 45 minutes to reply. Or if he was about to head somewhere, he'd say "might be slow to respond, at dinner with a friend" which threw me off because that was maybe a few hours at most. I started to feel weird pressure to respond quickly, which turned me off a lot and honestly made me want to stop texting at all. There were other reasons I ended up calling it, but this was one thing that wasn't doing it for me.
yep. forget matching my freak, match my text pace (extremely slow, and low priority!)
i am guilty of being woo’d by good chemistry and wanting to hear from someone daily all the time but it’s always ended up as honeymoon phase vibes. finally matched with someone who doesn’t text daily, but is responsive, and our in person time has been phenomenal. It’s created the ‘want’ of seeing each other more frequently and I have never felt so secure and calm. Each date has ended with a plan for a next date and we check in along the way here and there but that’s about it. Not having to come up with small talk or banter for days at a time until the next hang out is truly incredible stuff lol
This always scares me, especially when it's like working hours or something. Like what was that person's last relationship/relationships like to think that being busy for a few hours is a huge issue.
Not to burst your bubble, but why are you in love with them if talking to them is tiresome and dull?
I did not listen to my instincts soon enough with my ex and he ended up wearing me down over time. He was SO negative and a downer all. the. time. To the point that I got anxiety just from listening to him and it affected me enough that my friends and family noticed.
Be really careful with your feelings here.
Are you sure it's love and not infatuation / lust? What do you love about them?
Not saying this in a mean way, but I think conversational compatibility is #1 priority for sustaining long term love; you'll be having a lot of meals with them.
Back on the dating apps after a healthy hiatus. Now I have a question: why do the men I match with ask me questions only to not remember my answer and ask me again?
Example.... today my match, lets call him "Zach," asked me if I was working from the office, to which I said I wasn't, that I was working from home, and my manager told us we can be more flexible with the hybrid situation until summer is over. Only 3 hours later, Zach asked me what I was doing when I got home from work. Again, I told him I was wfh today.
What gives? I already met this man in real life and he asked me for a second date. We had a good first date which is why I am continuing conversation, but damn, this is annoying.
Because they're talking to multiple people, and scrolling up is too hard.
On a side note. It took me way too long for my brain to comprehend your user name. No matter what my brain says, gumpkin is not a word.
the bar is so low that this guy i’m talking to remembers my schedule: when i teach, when i wfh, and i’m flattered because it genuinely impresses me that a guy is able to expand mental energy on me.
my ex-fiancé of 6 years had to be reminded of every single thing :)
The perception of the action by the recipient is more important than the act itself.
I know your schedule and you like me. The act is perceived positively. Dobler, based on the character of Lloyd Dobler from Say Amything.
I know your schedule, but you don't like me. The act is perceived as stalkerish. Dahmer. The act is perceived as crazy.
With that particular example I’d cut him some slack. He probably was just trying to ask what you were doing when you got off work, but said “home” out of habit. I WFH and sometimes I’ll chat my coworkers “I’m going home, talk tomorrow” lol
In general though I definitely agree it’s annoying to have a conversation where things you’ve already answered/explained repeatedly come up. Even when juggling a few conversations I’d always scroll up to refresh my memory and make sure I wasn’t embarrassing myself. I’d get turned off by people who couldn’t put forth the same effort.
How long do you keep trying until you just throw in the towel? The last 2 potential men I met both had things I found out about them, even though I was initially excited to get to know them in the beginning. The first one had a road rage incident where he pulled a gun on someone, and the second one had a girlfriend already of 7 months 😩 I’ve been trying to date with intention for over 3 years now, and I don’t know if it’s where I live, my age, the specifics I’m looking for or what….but damn it’s rough.
idk, this guy went way over asking me out, before i found out he doesn’t have a car (a dealbreaker for me) and then he cancels on our weekend meet with a lousy ‘i’m feeling sick’ excuse with no replacement date.
this other guy i really like just dropped the bomb on me that his religion is a cult-like practice (very niche) and i’m trying to rationalise that it’s not as bad as the other guy not having a car 😭
Girl. I don’t know what to say. I’ve given up on the apps because I’ve had some scary experiences too. I’d rather be single than deal with the nutters on the apps.
I am back on the apps after 6 months hiatus and only have had one date, but yet I find I am ready to throw in the towel lol. Its dire out there and opening the app feels like a chore.
First post...ever so forgive any typos. I'm open to any feedback and will answer any questions.
I (36m) met this woman (30f) 7 months ago and she was my first healthy (or so I thought) relationship. We had some similarities and some differences but overall had pretty good communication, sex was good, we enjoyed occasional drinks, were both homebodies and enjoyed games and anime together.
I believe from recent research that I am an anxious attachment style and she is an avoidant of some kind. Anyways, we had wonderful times together but she broke up with me out of the blue.
We saw eachother regularly 2 or 3 times a week. I adored her, imperfections and all. She said I love you first one month in and while I didn't understand quickly grew to love her. Her family loved me and so did her animals (of which she said they never liked anyone). It all seemed like a dream. The only major problems was she was fiercely independent, wanted lots of space away to herself but insisted she loved me. I tried to give her what she wanted and needed always. She promised to always communicate, always tries harder than anyone she knows to make relationships work and thought the world of me. We had talks of marriage, moving in together and marriage. I'm older, wanted only one person and kids which she loved and wanted too.
Fast forward to a month ago, her narcissistic and abusive step mother says her ex husband can move in with her. She didn't want to but agreed. I was always told he is an even bigger narcissistic, master manipulator, and stalker (seriously) such as puts trackers in all the familys cars and destroyed them emotionally in the past and she even pulled a gun on him in the past.
He moves in. She says it's because she likes handyman to help around the house and he is very rich. I wanted her to go with me to a special event that meant alot to me and she invited him to it. Within this month, he would give her thousands of dollars per week, pay her rent, and take her to fancy restaurants I couldn't afford with just them two multiple times per week. Within this month, she has a change of heart about him and has allowed him to stay going forward.
After the event I got sick with covid, and in that same month she started not wanting to see me as much. She didn't want to talk to me as much. She was telling me about all the fancy dinners he was taking her to, how he was fixing her house up and how great everything was. While I was sick and couldn't even see her and communication suddenly degraded. Her family was getting upset with her for letting him stay going forward.
Then she stopped saying I love you and would make fun of me when I said it to her. When I asked her about it and said it hurt and didn't know what was going on, she said she lost feelings for me a month ago. She said we had nothing in common, I was too mentally draining, no feelings and had a bad sex life.
I was shocked and didn't understand. There was no communication about this or even allowed a chance for us to work on it together. I tried asking questions but she told me she didn't have to answer and it's not an interrogation. She seemed so cold suddenly, like I didn't matter and casually discarded me with no contact and removed all traces of our relationship on fathers day. She didn't do it in person or even gave me a phone call outside of when I asked what was happening. It all had to be over text.
I'm trying to grow from this to learn but just very confused and unsure of what even happened. I know at the end I was angry and that wasn't right. But this seems weird.
Any advice to move forward? What may I have missed? Am I not seeing something that should be obvious?
My friend said I had to think about what she was getting from me in the relationship, and when her step dad moved in, she didn't need anything from me anymore. Is that type of thing common?
Maybe he is trying to isolate by offering her a higher lifestyle and at the same time telling "see what a real man can do for you, you can do better than your bf", and i wouldn't be surprised if she is sleeping with him.
People suck and the fact that this happened hurts so much. It's only been a few weeks and all I feel is pain and betrayal. Along with being sick at the thought of that type of behavior to someone they supposedly loved.
Dropped for a rich step parent who did that and potentially sleeping with him too.
I chose a real winner huh...
Very true. Seems so small right now but this is a good thing like you said and I'll find love again with a better person next time.
I'm a hopeless romantic so I feel it in my soul that there is a good person out there for me. Last few relationships were not good and I thought I was getting better but it's all about learning. I shall improve and be better
The first thing that came to my mind when reading this is that it's possible that she might also be somewhat narcissistic? I'm not an expert and I know that word is used too loosely, but telling you she loved you after one month, and then turned cold suddenly on you, especially the making fun of you when you say you loved her. That's not typical avoidant behavior.
Oh that's definitely possibility. I've heard that being said by my friends too. From research I've been doing I guess anxious attachment styles attract narcissistic people.
I am going to do some reflection/reseaech on this in the coming months to try and find signs. That way I dont have it happen again or I make a better choice in a potential life partner
That... I didn't even think of. She did invite him to events I made clear were special to me that I wanted to share with her. She made comments on how good he looks for an older man. Or comments like how she prefers burly men who fix things with their hands. I'm handy but no carpenter or electrician for example.
She wouldn't accept my willingness to learn and help support her. It seems now that she didn't want it and got it from him instead. In more ways than one (sex, money, lack of emotional intimacy, paid rent and fancy meals in the 300$ range etc)
I made it very clear I wasn't happy or supportive of this choice, nor did I think it was a good idea but she said "well, at least he can fix my house)
Go easy on yourself, it's not your fault!! I'm an anxious attacher too so I get it, I think one of the big things to look out for is the love bombing. I've become almost too hypervigilant of it and assume if anyone shows genuine interest, it's love bombing lol. But yeah, saying I love you within one month is a big sign, but again, it's not your fault. It's easy for anyone to be ensnared by them.
Thank you internet friend. I needed to hear that. My world was shattered because I let them in and believed them. I'll try to give myself some slack as in the end, I feel this says way more about her than me. I loved with all my heart and she played games or worse as some others have said
Of course!! Please get some professional help if you can. Recovering from narcissistic abuse (which reading more of your comments, it seems like this was) can be pretty intense and you need an outsider to help you see through it. ETA I am not a doctor or mental health professional, this is just my layman's best guess.
Need advice or just someone to clarify something for me. (I am a 34M) I've been OLD for a bit now and besides just about every profiles love for adventure, wineries/breweries, hiking, and travel is that the majority of the women in my area have in their profile that they are looking for a man with "ambition" or who is "goal-driven". Is this code for something that I'm just not understanding? I kind of take this to mean their looking for a guy constantly like... getting degrees, aiming for a promotion, winning marathons or something. I know "ambitious" doesn't cover me, I've got post-grad degree, a house, a position in a job I want to retire in, and am completely comfortable where I am professionally. Is this stability a turn-off to women who want someone ambitious? Or again am I not understanding what their looking for? Any thoughts are appreciated.
It sounds like you are set and don’t have anything to worry about. I talked to a 34 year old man who said he worked in “Sales”. I asked what kind of sales in conversation, turns out it was a storefront retail job. I’m not knocking people who earn an honest living, but I would like a man who does something more than the average teenager could qualify for. Have a career, or be working towards one. You don’t need a college degree but be curious and committed to learning. Be passionate about something.
Ok, that’s good to hear, especially as the people who replied are saying mostly the same things. I’m a teacher with no intentions of becoming admin or moving up so the whole, ambition thing, was throwing me off a little
Teaching is a noble profession! Green flag! Any woman not satisfied with that may be a red flag.
I think you probably would be what they're looking for tbh. I would guess that very few of them are looking for constant hunger and "ambitious" is mostly just dating app code for "not a semi-employed stoner".
Thanks! I was kind of hoping that’s what that means but I wasnt sure.
Ooooooh, that is what that means?! I read that on guy's profiles a lot too and always thought they mean very career-driven, at least post grad, 50h/week, never satisfied with the current position, etc.
To me it means a man who is continuously trying to move up in his career and makes it happen.
They are looking for someone that has a career or job, that has financial stability and the potential to increase in salary. They want someone that is able to contribute or provide financially and/or wants to move up the ladder. That said what that means person-to-person means something different.
Went on three dates with someone(31F) I (30M) matched with on a dating app in the past 3 weeks. It's been really great so far and I am definitely curious as we have a lot in common. I've initiated all three dates - drinks, activity, dinner dates and they've all gone great but sadly not seeing any planning or effort on her part. We still text everyday but a part of me feels like the connection is losing some steam especially since our conversations in person have been so much better. I have no problem asking her on another date but don't want to come across as lovebombing. What would yall do in this situation?
A lot of women want to be pursued. In my experience most women don’t put in much effort in planning or initiating dates. That doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in you at all. They are just more old school in wanting a guy to make the moves.
With all of my past LTR, the girl was helping make plans and ambitious from the start. In my experience with dating, the girls who expect you to do 100% of the work and never make any effort never go anywhere are just energy drains. They are either low effort, entitled, lazy, just not that interested. All legit reasons not to pursue them.
Well, if you’d like to see her I say ask her out. And if you guys do meet up, ask her if she wants to plan the next date.
Got back to dating apps after a 5-month break in May. Got 0 matches in 6 weeks, which was expected as I live in a low-density populated area, I don't pay for the apps and I'm just an average looking guy. Last week I woke up and found out I had a match with a lovely girl. Texted her and had a nice conversation, invited her for a drink, to which she agreed. We met on Sunday night and we had a pleasant time, she's cute and smart and we seem to share values and dreams. We were the last ones to leave the pub after midnight. There wasn't any spark, just pleasant chatting. I can say I was intrigued. But I got hurt so many times with online dating that I kind of expected a no to a second date. Instead, on Monday I texted her and she agreed to a second date on Tuesday because she would leave for a work trip on Wednesday. We went to another pub, had another great chat and we were almost asked to leave the pub by the waitress as we were among the last customers still sitting. So we walked to her car and chatted a bit more, she hugged and kissed me on the cheek before leaving. On my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about the amazing night I had. I went from intrigued to 100% interested. So I got home and texted her to thank her for the night. She replied saying she had a great time too and said she felt like the time flew by, she also agreed to a third date after she'll be back from the work trip. I couldn't believe it and still can't. I texted her last night to ask about the trip and she replied, although she must have been tired. But again, with online dating I've been there before and, despite the positive signals, I can't help but think she'll disappear. I tend to focus on the negatives, like the fact that she has never texted me first. Now I have to go through a whole week with this ridiculous sense of impending failure. Why can't my brain just be happy?
I was so anxious reading this and rooting you on waiting for the punch and I am so happy that one didn’t come. I know how you feel and it can be a hard road to let your guard down, but I will say this, keep being yourself. Don’t let the negative thoughts cause you to do or to say something out of an anxious rumination and instead try to be kind and respectful of her time while also understanding that even if she isn’t replying in the time you think you want her to or doesn’t seem too energetic in certain moments, give her the benefit of the doubt that she is still just as excited as she was on your last date, until she tells you she isn’t. Go with the flow, feel all the things, but don’t let the possibility of “what if this is the moment she’s done” get in the way of enjoying where you are right now
Thank you so much! Yeah, I'll do my best to keep my mind busy with hobbies and I'll try to enjoy the wait till the next date.
Is it possible that the guy thought I wasn't interested because of this and that's why he lost interest in meeting again? I had to borrow something from him on the first date and later I wrote about meeting up to give it back to him. At first, he reacted very enthusiastically, but due to some anxiety and shyness, instead of proposing a real date, I suggested that we catch up briefly after work and suddenly he changed his tone and wrote that he didn't have time at the moment. Are these just excuses and he's not interested, or could he have thought that I didn't want to go on another date with him at all and I only wanted to meet to give him his stuff back? We actually made out and he was really affectionate, so I could tell he was at least physically into me, but I ended up confused.
I was meant to meet a girl from Hinge on Wednesday, but she cancelled. She has a job interview the following day and wants to prepare and be in the right headspace. So, we immediately rescheduled our first date to Monday evening. I even told her that if she's no longer feeling it, then it is absolutely fine, and we don't need to see each other. She promised she's not blowing me off It's Thursday, and she just had her job interview, but it didn't go well. She was unwell with tonsillitis and woke up late. Do you think she's making excuses not to meet and giving me a hint, or should I ask if she would like to reschedule again?
Sorry, but the Wednesday cancellation excuse sounds lame. I'd leave it by wishing her well and say you'd still like to meet up, but let her know that she needs to pick a good date for her. Don't be surprised if you never hear back. Honestly, I've had zero luck with girls who cancel for any excuse. Even the ones who reschedule seem to flake on the reschedule date half of the time. Usually once they cancel the first date I move them to a lower priority and set my expectations low while I still swipe on other girls.
I have low expectations of this date happening now. When she cancelled for Wednesday, she continued to make an effort, and we chatted a bit more.
Did she say she's blowing off Monday? If not I wouldn't assume. It's devastating to blow a job interview you were prepping hard for and if she's sick to boot, it's going to be hard for her to give you enthusiasm when she has more pressing matters on her mind.
Our latest messages: Me: I'm more than happy to reschedule again, or we could see closer to the time? It's entirely your call Her: I’d hate to infect you so let’s see how well I recover. Thank you for being so understanding as well. Big green flag.
Has she cancelled the date for Monday? If she has cancelled, then I would leave the ball in her court to reschedule. The person who cancels should be the one who suggests another date
Me: I'm more than happy to reschedule again, or we could see closer to the time? It's entirely your call Her: I’d hate to infect you so let’s see how well I recover. Thank you for being so understanding as well. Big green flag.
Ok, well in that case I'd leave it up to her. The ball is in her court at this point.
Shall I continue talking to her? If she wasn't interested, she could just not... reply, right? I do really well on Hinge, so I dont have a problem getting first dates. It's just.. I really like her and want to meet her at some point
If the both of you typically chat, then yeah. I see no reason why not. If she's interested I'm sure she will suggest a date, or say Monday is fine
I am recently divorced and haven't gone on a date in 10 years. I don't even know where to start. I really just want a booty call. I'm horrified of seeing someone I know on an app.
Some apps let you block people you know by phone number. And anyways when you do see people you know it's really not a big deal, it's super common to use dating apps, and I mean they do too so nobody has done anything weird or bad. Good luck!
Any app recommendations?
I was looking for a relationship, so I probably can't help too much. I have done best on Bumble, then Hinge, then Tinder. If I remember right Hinge had the feature to block contacts. I'm a man who seems to go for left leaning, pretty independent, highly educated women which seems to be Bumble's primary market. Try to be honest with what you're looking for. One's success looking for casual is highly dependent on gender and attractiveness, of course.
Well if you're just looking for something casual, then Tinder is probably the best choice there. I use Bumble, as i find it has a good balance between casual and people who are looking for something long term. At least for me, anyway. People will have different opinions on this!
Went on a first date with a guy from hinge this week and it went okay- we’re tentatively planning a second date and the only days he’s available next week are days I’m not available. Between not being that excited for the second date and the fact that I’ll either have to wait longer for a second date or rearrange my schedule makes me want to call it off now 🫠🙃 not sure what to do
Username checks out lol jokes haha Hmm agree with plan for the week ahead and see how you feel closer to the time? Can always opt out later 😊
plan one for the week ahead instead?
I got through the screening call of dating service today. The call was conducted by the co-founder who asked very thorough & difficult questions, which I appreciate. It shows that they are taking it seriously. The next step is to wait for them to hook me up lol. Based on the service, I am technically guaranteed to go on 6 first dates. So let's see! I also got my first helix ear piercing yesterday. It's a stunning white gold stud. It was one of the many things I planned to do, post breakup with Mr Peppa. It's also a reminder that I can turn even the most painful life events into something beautiful.
What were some of the difficult questions they asked?
I've always been interested in dating services. I hope it's a good experience and they match you with someone good!
I hope so too! It's my first time using such a service, so I'll def keep everyone updated!
Keep us posted! I've been always curious but I also feel that they can be scammers. Hope everything works out well for you.
Good luck! ...& I love helix piercings! I remember being so excited after getting mine too 😊 (almost a decade ago though 🤔 haha)
Woohoo, this is your sign then to get another one 🤓
Two dates with 32M. On the second date, he told me that he wants to meet people and that he is not closed to anything but he is going to have a hard time getting into a relationship. I get the feeling that he's just looking for something casual even though he's throwing messages at me about things to do in the future or showing vulnerability. We didn’t have sex even tho we fooled around. I decided I didn’t want to do it on the second date and he respected that. I know that to protect myself the best thing I can do is to stay out of this, but I'm thinking "what if I give it a chance?"
He doesn’t want anything serious but if you’re on board with keeping it casual, there’s no harm in continuing with a non-exclusive casual arrangement. He told you he’s enjoying dating around and doesn’t really want a relationship so he’s been honest. Don’t ignore what he’s saying and try to read into his actions because you really like him. That’s not going to end well.
Completely true. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep it casual with him as I know I might get a crush on him. Damn, dating sucks.
I feel that. There’s some people I just know I can’t do casual with because I am going to fall for them, and if that’s all they want, I end it immediately. It’s not worth the heartache.
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Love and being in love are two different things. You're not going to always be in love with your ex. You might always have a degree of love/care for him though, and that's a normal thing for healthy relationships that end without anyone being a jerk to the other. Time and focus on other things will take you out of the acute grief stage you're currently in and leave you mostly with fond memories.
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I don't think gender changes anything, but I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that the data shows that men have more struggles moving on from their exes since they usually have less emotional support from their social circles like friends and family to really talk about things and help process, on top of their partner fulfilling more emotional roles in their lives than women who have stronger emotional ties outside of their relationships. Seek out support from your friends, family or professional help to work through these pretty unhealthy emotions.
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I do not want to pick fights at all. Why would I want to fight anyone on the internet? I know that is a fairly common trope on Reddit but I really enjoy this community and that’s not how I want to interact with anyone here at all. You can have a look at my comment history if you like, I’m literally never picking fights and I love this place. I see people use the daily’s as a journal of sorts so I thought I would add my own. I’ll think about doing that in the future, not in a problematic sense but maybe this isn’t the right place because it’s quite emotional and maybe people don’t like seeing that too much. I appreciate your sentiment completely, I truely do. When I suggested that I was a guy it was seen as unhealthy after that. That’s my interpretation. If that’s wrong I admit that completely and totally. They didn’t gender me. I know that. When I was gendered it was slightly different in tonality is all. Again if I’ve interpreted that wrong that’s fine. I’m completely able to see when I’m wrong and admit that. I pride myself on that. I also reserve the right to back myself in that space.
I never assumed your gender so not sure where you're getting that from, and also I don't understand why you're so defensive. You described your emotions as crying frequently about a relationship that ended a while ago and struggling to move on, it's not exactly my unique interpretation that this is unhealthy, it just is unhealthy being stuck in the past to the point where it affects your current life.
For those of you who grew up thinking that not taking up space and not being a burden meant safety… how have you learnt to take up space and ask for your needs to be met in adult romantic relationships? *Asking for a friend.*
Therapy & a whole lot of just leaning into the discomfort. The exposure effect works wonders here - the more you do it, the easier it gets, the more normal it feels. Also leaning into the right people who has earned your trust, plays a vital role too. There will be people who disappoint you & that's okay too. Don't take it personally when it happens. We learn & move onto the right person :)
Lots of therapy initially to heal childhood trauma! I was also in a support group for many years alongside that which was transformational and learnt self-love, repareting myself and growing self esteem etc Then after that just exploring many books and podcasts on relational topics and literally how to set boundaries and express my needs. As I literally didn't even have the words to know what healthy expression was. How to ask for help / support / space Also Learning to self care / self love in order that I firstly BELIEVE I deserve love and to take up space, then finding the tools via podcast / books etc to actually put it into practice.
By embracing that discomfort instead of running from it or pretending it's not there. I find it easier to be honest enough to say upfront "This is difficult/awkward/new for me to do, so please bear with me...". It sets expectations and often prevents defensiveness, they can see you're trying and that's really important. Just being vulnerable is counterintuitively easier than trying to be confident.
Attempted to make a post but don’t have enough comments here yet and I can’t copy and paste what I wrote :/ I was having a nice convo with a guy on FB dating that seemed to be going well enough, but then he either unmatched or deactivated his account by the next morning. There were no warning signs that he wanted to stop communication, and I can’t figure it out.
Whatever it was, it 100% had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the guy and whatever was going on in his life
Wife probably came home from work.
Could be any number of things. Could be he's shy and realised he couldn't follow through and meet. Maybe he became exclusive with someone else or he had a rough time with another date and decided to bail on dating for a while. Maybe he realised he wasn't over his ex.
It was weird because he said he liked that I communicated clearly, and when I added that I feel it’s better to be clear and genuine than to mislead someone, he agreed that we’re adults who can say what we want or feel without someone feeling led on. He said all kinds of things that suggested he wanted to keep talking/getting to know each other and was going to suggest we meet up except our schedules didn’t line up this week. He said he’s been single for a few years so it didn’t seem like an ex was in the picture, but you’re right, there’s any number of things it could be.
In OLD you will run into flakes, bullshitters, people who are already in relationships etc...when something like someone unmatches or their account being deactivated after a brief chat you need to take that as a sign this person wasn't who they were portraying themselves to be, instead of trying to 'figure it out', be thankful and go find someone else that will see things through all the way to a date in person
Anyone else gets turned off by extremely successful men? I work in the tech startup industry and when I find out someone I just met is running a successful business and/or has done really well with investments I immediately become less joking-friendly (my default mode) and more into curious-work friendly. Maybe it comes from knowing a few friends that are ok as friends but would be heinous as life partners. There is a running tendency to be controlling, paranoia, judgmental (probably traits that make them good at analysing businesses and making money) and power imbalance because they can/will influence their partners to what they want. Also they inevitably end up working with their partners to some degree all of which gives me the ick. Also if you’ve ever seen the ending of an acrimonious relationship where one party is vastly wealthier than the other, it is a real shitshow. Basically one side can lawyer up and make life really difficult for the side that doesn’t have the funds to retain a lawyer on call
Hmm, maybe that's why I have such a hard time getting dates… 🙃
Yes, because I assume our lifestyles will differ so much. I was married to an entrepeneur and his life circled around his work. He also went from being dirt poor when we met to being an actual millionaire, but was always frugal and sharing costs was a chore. People (men and women alike) in finance especially also generally seem to have such a different vibe than me I just don't gel with them. I'd honestly much rather date some poor philospher than a rich banker.
Actually, yes, now that you say it! On one hand I get intimidated immediately and on the other hand I'm questioning, how they got there and if they live in the same world I'd wanna live in.
I am gonna die alone and have come terms with it (Ex gf is engaged, all my friends are planning babies)
I get to see him today! I’m taking the train to the city to meet him, and we’re gonna spend a few days together exploring. I’m so excited to cuddle him again. His friend is gonna be in town this month, and he asked if he could introduce me to them. Feeling pretty nervous about meeting new people, but excited that he’s taking the relationship seriously and wants to integrate me into his life.
Updating some photos on hinge and want some feedback on one. What do you all think? https://imgur.com/a/0JvODoH PS thank you to everybody who gave me feedback on regrowing the beard about a month ago, I definitely think it was the right choice.
I definitely agree on beard being better than no beard. However, I would recommend shaping up the beard and trimming your hair, then taking this photo again. In your last post, the photos where your hair has layers and was slightly above the shoulders in front were better than the one where your layers had all grown out, and it’s the same here.
I like the scene that you are trying to set, nice pose, clothes and smile but maybe do it outside somewhere nice or in with a better background
I'm a guy and that looks fine to me.
So apparently 2 dates with me is like 9 because of “making him wait and all the texting - he’s taking it so slow he’s practically in reverse”. Well that’s 1 hurtful and 2- obviously your not a nice man sigh
Ew not a nice man at all. That's such a rude thing to say! At least he showed his true colors early on.
Yikes. Next!
What a garbage thing to say to you. I'm so sorry. At least you don't have to waste anymore of your time on this douche. And you just know he thought that comment about "taking it so slow he's practically in reverse" was the funniest thing anyone and has ever said. He probably rushed to tell his friends about that one🙄
What a douche. Sorry but at least he showed his colours early
My last ex on his profile said he was 5'10". He wasn't. We never addressed it. My boyfriend before him said he was 5'11.5" due to scoliosis. I knew dating the last guy it wasn't true, just based on how much taller than me he was (I'm guessing he's actually 5'7" or 5'8"). I'm not a size queen in any way, but I also don't care for liars. That one guy and I broke up a few months ago, so I felt free to spend time with my ex while he was in the city. And considering how much he towered over me versus mr. "5'10"", I'm calling sheninagings (sp). And I wouldn't care, but the previous guy's profile popped up for me today on a dating app, and it still shows 5'10". That man is not 5'10".
Men lie about height. Women hide or cover up body weight. Both are shady actions on the apps.
That's a man's top insecurity. I wouldn't judge someone for it, but I might work in a conversation about validation. You wanna know how to deal with or support an insecure person.
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That’s not what a size queen is 🤭🤭
Please don't Google it at work
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this when I read it.....hahaha
A woman invited me out to trivia and I had a really nice time but I'm not sure whether it was platonic or not.
Feel it out! Invite her to something; if it goes well ask her about dating.
She might not know either, maybe she invited you to get to know you better and see where things go?
Should I meet this girl? She has offered to meet at a coffee-place for 30 mins. She has set a specific, fixed day, time, duration. I find it silly, disrespectful? We both are 30/31 years old, met at online dating, and both want a serious relationship. I asked her out earlier to which she said busy. And now, again for a dinner, to which she offered a coffee-place instead.
Sounds like you're treating a meeting with a stranger way too seriously.
I think he is a little bit but I would be put off if someone is like it can only last 30 minutes.
Then don't go out with them. Problem solved.
That’s exactly what I would do although I’ve never once encountered as it’s a wild thing to do. Why would I spend more time getting ready and driving to meet someone than the actual date?
Okay so. . Just complaining and arguing for fun?
Hahaha it’s Reddit. I’m not arguing I’m just providing my opinion that a lot of people would be turned off with having a strict 30 minute date.
Ok?
Not really yet thats the difference between 20s & 30s i guess. 20s i would just be happy to meet any girl. Now in 30s, it’s also my and her effort, my and her time.
You want someone desperate who indiscriminately puts that much effort into every stranger she meets? Remember you are a random stranger. She doesn't even know if she's interested.
A short date zero over coffee for a vibe check is becoming pretty normal. Setting a time and day for a date are pretty standard. And even setting a time limit if she's busy really isn't that big of a deal.
I’m not sure it works well, so it’s sad if that actually is becoming a standard. I used to go to such short dates (up to an hour) only because I met people between other activities and none of those meetings ever led to anything, only successful ones where the ones when there were at least a few hours to get to know each other even if only for a “vibe check”.
If you’re looking for a reason not to go just cancel. She offered a plan and you tried to counter twice. She reiterated the plan she offered. Are you finding it “disrespectful” because she didn’t give in to what you wanted?
I would personally nope out of that, whether she is truly too busy to date or this is her way of protecting herself to not waste her time on duds, it's just not an exciting starting point if you're hoping for romance, fun, or life partner. People these days are completely forgetting how a connectionis actually develops.
I don't really see the problem, she probably had a bad experience and just want to go on a quick date where you can't complain if she wants to leave "early". Or she is just busy and trying to fit you in her schedule.
Personally I wouldn't go on a 30 minute date. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting a time limit on a first date, I usually aim for an hour with a hard max of two, but depending on how it's communicated it can certainly come off as being disrespectful. I matched with a woman last week who said no to a date because she wanted to chat to find out compatibility before committing an evening because she's too busy. If you're too busy to go on a date to meet somebody in person that's already an incompatibility for me but I'm sure other guys are ok with that approach, it's all individual.
Meh, I think that’s fine. I (31F) also like to have an exit strategy, but I do think 30 mins is too short. I usually do 2hrs. So, I think she’ll probably not stick to that 30mins, bc what could you possibly learn in 30 mins? A lot of folks nowadays like the first date to be super casual and then do full meals on subsequent dates, so that’s not too uncommon these days. Head out on the date and see what’s up! :)
Yea if I have to spend more time getting ready and driving to the date than I will with the actual person then it feels like a waste for me. Also I’m on the same page with you on the length of a 1st date. I see people here say they want to keep it to an hourish max. All my best first dates that led to 5+ dates were easily 2 hours where it felt like time flew by. Had a 2nd date last Sunday where we went to this casual place for dinner. We wrapped up eating in the first 45 minutes or so and then spent another 1:45 just sitting there talking like we had known each other for years.
Totally agree. 2 hrs is a good sweet spot I feel like. And that’s awesome you’re having such great dates it seems! I’m concerned by this person saying 30 mins up front … but there’s like no way they can actually mean that right? Like, I think about some of the verbiage I’ve come across. “Want to meet up for a quick dessert” and then it ends up being 2 hrs. Hmmm…
Yea saying 30 minutes up front would be a total turn off like you’re being a burden to them.
Going to a first meet, with 30 mins limit default, unnecessary sets pressure; and makes it unnatural event. Thats my feeling. We both would just be looking at our watches… Thats my concern , I don’t have any issues with any meeting ending in 30 minutes naturally, but why start it off with such constraint?
Yeah, I think thats a weird ask, that’s why I think it is a nonstarter. Because what is 30 mins going to do? So, I think she was just saying that. I wouldn’t really let it bother me. It comes off as a defense mechanism, but on the actual date itself I doubt it will be so stringent. You can always ask, if you feel comfortable, can we do an hour instead of 30 mins? Or .. just meet up and see what’s up. Or don’t I guess if it’s making you uncomfortable, that’s well within your right too.
(33M) First date ended with touching and making out, but says she (41F) needs to determine what she wants out of this as she’s older. I (33M) met up with this wonderful woman (41F) after a week of talking and flirting. She would usually message me first asking how my day is, etc. We finally met for coffee and talked for a little over an hour. While she was talking about something personal, I ended up holding her hand with mine and feeling it with my fingers, and she was receptive, squeezing my hand back. I walked her back to her car and I was really attracted to her, so I asked if I could kiss her. She said she didn’t mind at all, so we started making out for a good minute before I asked if she wanted to sit in my car to makeout for just a little longer. She said yeah. Well, we got in my car and we made out some more. She voluntarily crawled over onto my lap and I was feeling her while making out. It got really heated and I started to suck on her nipples, licking her neck, then took off her pants and long story short she said she came while I was playing with her and giving her oral. No sex. I ate her out after in my car and then she said she’s never done anything like this before. I felt bad and said I was sorry, I couldn’t stop thinking about her all week. She was like I was really good with my fingers but felt bad that I didn’t cum. I told her I don’t need to, I just wanted her since I was attracted to her. So after 30-40 minutes of that, I dropped her off at her car. She texted me when she got back home and said she would sleep well tonight because of what happened. Next day, I texted her after work telling her I missed last night and hope to see her again. I do genuinely like her and want to know more about her, but I’m also attracted to her. She texted me back and said she thought about me too, but had mixed emotions about what she wants out of this as she’s looking for something long term. I told her I understand and respect her decision, but enjoyed talking to her and everything. Also apologized for my actions. She said I had nothing to be sorry about and she enjoyed her time and had lots of fun, but she’s looking for something long-term. I just said I understand and we haven’t talked since. We’re still friends on social media and haven’t removed each other off the dating app. She hasn’t reached out to me since so I assume she’s gone now. I’m just wondering if she just wasn’t that into me and let me do whatever transpired for the sake of it, or if there was mutual attraction but she genuinely doesn’t want to talk because she thinks I’m only looking for fun. Even though I said before I’m looking for something long term too. It’s just the making out and oral sex confused me because if she wasn’t into me, would that have happened? The making out and oral sex/fingering got me really confused with how she responded I guess. Sounds like she just let me down easy but trying to see what went wrong, like was she not attracted or maybe something else? She also hasn’t deleted me off Instagram or the dating app after a week of not talking if that means anything. Thanks for any insight. I don’t date much. *** Edit: after I texted her the following day about how I enjoyed last night and couldn’t stop thinking of her, this is how she responded: “Haha hey OP, how are you? I had a good day and I hope you did too. So glad tomorrow is Friday, can’t wait to get off work. I thought about you today as well OP. Although I’m feeling a little bit of mixed emotions and I just need to think about how I’m feeling and what I want from this. I hope that’s okay with you” So I said I was sorry for what happened and I’ll give her time, she said not to be sorry, she had lots of fun and a great time but needs to determine if there is “long term compatibility” since that is what she’s looking for. I didn’t reply after that, thinking she just needed time to text me back.
DAYUMMMM dude you didn't hold back with the details....
My guess is that she's attacted to you but thinks you two are incompatible. And tbh I'd make the same judgment in her shoes - age difference / lifestage, diet, politics are all big differences. But state you'd be open to long term with her plainly if you want to give it a last shot.
Right, that’s what I was thinking too which is why I respected her opinion and didn’t want to push. I just ask myself why she knew all of this beforehand and only said it after we had our date, kissed and fooled around. She knew of it before so I came to my conclusion that she wasn’t attracted to me and was just being nice and made out with me. I’m very inexperienced with dating but I like her a lot so I’ve been trying to figure out if she just isn’t into me or if it’s just incompatibility with our differences and not attraction. Thanks for your perspective by the way.
I’m sure she’s attracted to you, but women can also be attracted to someone and enjoy sex with them without wanting something long term. I think it’s worth asking her out and specifying that you want long term and you really like her to determine if she’s confused about what you want or not romantically into you. It’s pretty ambiguous right now.
🎶knee deep in the passenger seat and you’re eating me out, is it casual now 🎶 I think you need to tell this lady that you’re after something serious. My bf was like you when I met him and didn’t use his words correctly through awkwardness. I ended up dumping him and ignoring him for a year (but it all worked out well in the end).
That’s great to hear. I’ll probably reach out to her. I like her a lot despite the differences we have with politics and diet and all. I don’t want to be that creepy or pushy guy so when I asked if I could see her again and she said she needed time to think, I wanted to respect that. But now that she hasn’t responded at all, I figured it was her way of letting me down easy and not attracted to me. So now I can’t stop thinking about her lol
Seriously, this sounds so similar to my situation. He was too shy to tell me how he felt, so I put him in to a player category. It’s funny because now I know he really isn’t. Just message her stating that you are ultimately looking for a long term relationship and ask her on a date. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck!
Will do, thank you again. Since you are a woman, I just wanted to ask you for your perspective on something. Let’s say maybe she really isn’t into me, would a woman make out with a guy and let him give her oral if she weren’t attracted to him just to be nice? I mean it’s a stupid question but curious from your point of view because I wonder what else it could be if she truly isn’t into me. Like maybe our differences if it isn’t attraction
I'm actually the same age as your lady and I would say no, I would not do anything sexual with someone I wasn't attracted to. And you made her cum so she must have felt some sort of attraction and was at ease with you. The way you describe her makes me think that she wouldn't do something she doesn't want to just to "be nice". I also think women are attracted to far more than just looks. Personally, I'm attracted to stability, reliability and kindness. I swoon every time my man turns up to pick me up at the exact time planned (to the minute!). It sounds to me like she's told you what she's looking for, hasn't received a positive response from you that you're on the same page, and has then moved on. Send the message today. What's the worst that can happen?
Gotcha. So I’m curious whenever you’re free to tell me, how did you boyfriend come back to you a year later? Just reached out again or did you?
Bit of a long story.... When I first ended it we agreed to stay friends, during this time he asked to see me around 10 times but it was always last minute and felt casual so I kept saying no (he'd ask if I fancied going for a coffee that afternoon etc). Then I got irritated with him keep asking me out last minute so I ghosted him for a few months. During that time he reached out every 3-4 weeks trying to make conversation and I would ignore him (even though I would have a huge grin on my face and butterflies in my belly). After about 9 months of this (in October) I responded to one of his messages telling him off and to stop wasting my time and asking me out at the last minute. Then he messaged again in January, I was in a good mood that day so I responded and the rest is history. The weird bit is I found out on Sunday that he didn't date anyone else last year as he was too focussed on trying to make a go of things with me despite me "ignoring him" as he put it. This is an incredibly handsome, cool, funny and successful man. To think of him pining over me for a year blows my mind. I mean, I was pining over him too but I thought he was just after one thing. If he had just said a year ago, when I originally ended it, that he did like me and wanted to make a go of things then we would be 16 months into a relationship instead of 4 months. Hence why I think it's really important that you use your words and speak from your heart.
Wow. That is so cool, really happy for you guys. Glad it worked out. Yeah, I guess I’ll give it a shot. I’ve always been afraid to appear clingy or needy but I guess one more text to her won’t hurt and then it’s in her court after that. I do want to check on her every now and then like your boyfriend did lol, I’ve done that before with success but not every woman is the same.
Well there’s worst things to be than clingy or needy. Good luck, make sure you give us an update!
Maybe ask her on a second date, saying you are looking for something long term as well.
Yeah, I should’ve said that. I don’t understand what it means when a woman says mixed emotions, I assumed it was a gentle way of her letting me down because she said she needed time to think if that’s okay. So I wanted to give her space. I may reach out to her in a few days or weeks to see how she’s doing. But thank you for your advice
When she mentioned multiple times she's looking for long term why did you reply "I understand" instead of something along the lines of "me too"? From what you wrote it seems like she's maybe feeling like you were just wanting to hook up and while she enjoyed it that's not what she's looking for. It certainly reads like she wanted reassurance you're interested in the same thing she is but your responses as reported here provided absolutely no reassurance.
Yeah, I see what you’re saying. I guess I should’ve said that but wanted to respect her decision for space to think since she said she had mixed emotions and didn’t understand what that meant. I have low self esteem and didn’t want to be a jerk or pressure her into seeing me again, but I assumed she wasn’t attracted to me or regretted doing that with me because I’m ugly. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it.
She obviously doesn't think you're ugly if she matched with you, went on a date with you, and then fooled around with you. That's a guarantee she's attracted to you. If you're into her do not wait days or weeks to text. That's liable to feel like you're trying to circle back because you don't have other options or something. Text her tomorrow and say something like "hey, I'd love to take you out again are you free this weekend?" If she mentions long term again make it clear that you are also interested in long term. And also stop apologizing, she made it clear that she enjoyed herself but she wants to know if there's more to you. Take her out and show her you are also interested in getting to know her with her pants on. Edit: she also likely did not need time to think. She needed time for you to communicate what she wanted to hear.
I appreciate your time reading and giving me advice. It really means a lot from a stranger. I can’t get her out of my head and I’ve dealt with rejection a lot, so it consumes me and I keep trying to wonder what went wrong. I’ll reach out. Thank you
Basically what McSaucy4418 is saying is that you need to man up, she's 41, while she may be attracted to your youth it doesn't mean she wants a boy. Apologising to her makes you look soft and feeble, you got sexual and mutually enjoyed it what are you apologising for? You want to see her again make your intentions known clearly and direct, again she's 41, is she divorced? kids? there's also the possibility that she has had other guys mess her around just for sex, her saying she is looking for long term compatibility means she is looking for a man that will give her a stable relationship, someone that can also take the lead without any baggage.
Good luck!
I know this is not advice that is applicable for everyone depending on where you live and whether or not it’s something you see for yourself, but I do improv and it’s a great hobby to learn and also expose you to some great people. Improv actually has a lot of therapeutic value, such as accepting mistakes without shaming yourself, and it’s great for practicing active listening. It’s also fun and can teach you to be quick on your feet. Improv also tends to attract a lot of generally good people, in my experience. I actually recently made some really great friends via improv, and one of them said when he moved to my city 2 years ago he went and did a bunch of improv classes cuz he knew he’d meet fun people who’d make good friends and he was absolutely right. Not only that, there are a lot of cute singles who do improv 😏 Ofc, your mileage may vary, but if you’ve been thinking “I need to try something different” maybe it’s something to consider.
I'm (39M) considering going back on the apps but I would like to get my pictures reviewed first, if you would like to give me your opinion on them, please comment or send me a message and I'll send you the link in private.
Send me a link, I'll review happily
Hey, I’d be happy to review your pictures!
Jesus Christ, dude — we’ve only JUST started chatting *today*, why are you apologizing for not replying under 2 hours?
run
I’ve run into this a few times. If you want to, what has helped me (and I think them?) every time is saying like, “no worries it’s all good, reply whenever you need to, no need to apologize it’s not necessary.” Because I think it must stem from those guys running into women or whoever prior who got mad at their response times. So I think it helps to communicate that you’re a different person so they can relax 🤣.
I ran into a couple guys like that. It was a huge turn off. Like I get apologizing if something legitimately came up and it took 2 DAYS to reply, but 2 hours? Come on.
That's a guy that's been beaten down a few times. Or... he's on our sub and fears being a slow texter.
Oof, I had that with a guy I saw a few times recently. I'm a relatively slow but overall consistent texter; at least once a day, but sporadic throughout the day --- I can maintain a single conversation over many days, but you should expect anywhere from immediate to 12 hours from now between responses. And every time this guy texted me back, it was almost immediate OR he'd include "sorry, I was busy!" if he took longer than like 45 minutes to reply. Or if he was about to head somewhere, he'd say "might be slow to respond, at dinner with a friend" which threw me off because that was maybe a few hours at most. I started to feel weird pressure to respond quickly, which turned me off a lot and honestly made me want to stop texting at all. There were other reasons I ended up calling it, but this was one thing that wasn't doing it for me.
yep. forget matching my freak, match my text pace (extremely slow, and low priority!) i am guilty of being woo’d by good chemistry and wanting to hear from someone daily all the time but it’s always ended up as honeymoon phase vibes. finally matched with someone who doesn’t text daily, but is responsive, and our in person time has been phenomenal. It’s created the ‘want’ of seeing each other more frequently and I have never felt so secure and calm. Each date has ended with a plan for a next date and we check in along the way here and there but that’s about it. Not having to come up with small talk or banter for days at a time until the next hang out is truly incredible stuff lol
Yeah! I’m like you, especially in the early stages of dating, and definitely not consistently fast before I’ve even met the guy in-person.
And this is why I hate our whole texting culture.
This always scares me, especially when it's like working hours or something. Like what was that person's last relationship/relationships like to think that being busy for a few hours is a huge issue.
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Not to burst your bubble, but why are you in love with them if talking to them is tiresome and dull? I did not listen to my instincts soon enough with my ex and he ended up wearing me down over time. He was SO negative and a downer all. the. time. To the point that I got anxiety just from listening to him and it affected me enough that my friends and family noticed. Be really careful with your feelings here.
Geez....exactly how hot is this person? I mean, I wanna break up with them just reading this.
So what made you fall in love?
Are you sure it's love and not infatuation / lust? What do you love about them? Not saying this in a mean way, but I think conversational compatibility is #1 priority for sustaining long term love; you'll be having a lot of meals with them.
Back on the dating apps after a healthy hiatus. Now I have a question: why do the men I match with ask me questions only to not remember my answer and ask me again? Example.... today my match, lets call him "Zach," asked me if I was working from the office, to which I said I wasn't, that I was working from home, and my manager told us we can be more flexible with the hybrid situation until summer is over. Only 3 hours later, Zach asked me what I was doing when I got home from work. Again, I told him I was wfh today. What gives? I already met this man in real life and he asked me for a second date. We had a good first date which is why I am continuing conversation, but damn, this is annoying.
Because they're talking to multiple people, and scrolling up is too hard. On a side note. It took me way too long for my brain to comprehend your user name. No matter what my brain says, gumpkin is not a word.
Bro we had met in real life! That totally changes it. No excuses.
I had one ask me my name last night.
Oh wow I’m sorry lol. Had you met irl? … they are honestly giving no effort lol
To be fair...some of us aren't good with remembering names. I've literally forgotten the names of people that I've known for a decade or more.
No excuses here imo
the bar is so low that this guy i’m talking to remembers my schedule: when i teach, when i wfh, and i’m flattered because it genuinely impresses me that a guy is able to expand mental energy on me. my ex-fiancé of 6 years had to be reminded of every single thing :)
That's a dobler/dahmer thing right there.
explain?
The perception of the action by the recipient is more important than the act itself. I know your schedule and you like me. The act is perceived positively. Dobler, based on the character of Lloyd Dobler from Say Amything. I know your schedule, but you don't like me. The act is perceived as stalkerish. Dahmer. The act is perceived as crazy.
That’s not stalkerish… I know my friends schedule. And I’d definitely remember the schedule of someone I fancy.
i don’t think it’s stalkerish for someone you’re talking to to remember your schedule when you’ve explicitly told them, but ok.
I agree with you lol. I’d remember the schedule of someone I fancy. Not in a stalker way.
Again, the act itself is less important than the perception of the recipient of the act.
My ex was astounded that I remembered details that seemed completely regular to me and I was always like, "wait this isn't normal?!"
With that particular example I’d cut him some slack. He probably was just trying to ask what you were doing when you got off work, but said “home” out of habit. I WFH and sometimes I’ll chat my coworkers “I’m going home, talk tomorrow” lol In general though I definitely agree it’s annoying to have a conversation where things you’ve already answered/explained repeatedly come up. Even when juggling a few conversations I’d always scroll up to refresh my memory and make sure I wasn’t embarrassing myself. I’d get turned off by people who couldn’t put forth the same effort.
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It is coming across as rude and ignorant. I feel like he’s not listening to me.
How long do you keep trying until you just throw in the towel? The last 2 potential men I met both had things I found out about them, even though I was initially excited to get to know them in the beginning. The first one had a road rage incident where he pulled a gun on someone, and the second one had a girlfriend already of 7 months 😩 I’ve been trying to date with intention for over 3 years now, and I don’t know if it’s where I live, my age, the specifics I’m looking for or what….but damn it’s rough.
idk, this guy went way over asking me out, before i found out he doesn’t have a car (a dealbreaker for me) and then he cancels on our weekend meet with a lousy ‘i’m feeling sick’ excuse with no replacement date. this other guy i really like just dropped the bomb on me that his religion is a cult-like practice (very niche) and i’m trying to rationalise that it’s not as bad as the other guy not having a car 😭
Girl. I don’t know what to say. I’ve given up on the apps because I’ve had some scary experiences too. I’d rather be single than deal with the nutters on the apps.
the way my jaw literally dropped. omg ??? 😭
I just keep trying. I might tone things down when things get too busy at work, but you don't give up
I am back on the apps after 6 months hiatus and only have had one date, but yet I find I am ready to throw in the towel lol. Its dire out there and opening the app feels like a chore.
First post...ever so forgive any typos. I'm open to any feedback and will answer any questions. I (36m) met this woman (30f) 7 months ago and she was my first healthy (or so I thought) relationship. We had some similarities and some differences but overall had pretty good communication, sex was good, we enjoyed occasional drinks, were both homebodies and enjoyed games and anime together. I believe from recent research that I am an anxious attachment style and she is an avoidant of some kind. Anyways, we had wonderful times together but she broke up with me out of the blue. We saw eachother regularly 2 or 3 times a week. I adored her, imperfections and all. She said I love you first one month in and while I didn't understand quickly grew to love her. Her family loved me and so did her animals (of which she said they never liked anyone). It all seemed like a dream. The only major problems was she was fiercely independent, wanted lots of space away to herself but insisted she loved me. I tried to give her what she wanted and needed always. She promised to always communicate, always tries harder than anyone she knows to make relationships work and thought the world of me. We had talks of marriage, moving in together and marriage. I'm older, wanted only one person and kids which she loved and wanted too. Fast forward to a month ago, her narcissistic and abusive step mother says her ex husband can move in with her. She didn't want to but agreed. I was always told he is an even bigger narcissistic, master manipulator, and stalker (seriously) such as puts trackers in all the familys cars and destroyed them emotionally in the past and she even pulled a gun on him in the past. He moves in. She says it's because she likes handyman to help around the house and he is very rich. I wanted her to go with me to a special event that meant alot to me and she invited him to it. Within this month, he would give her thousands of dollars per week, pay her rent, and take her to fancy restaurants I couldn't afford with just them two multiple times per week. Within this month, she has a change of heart about him and has allowed him to stay going forward. After the event I got sick with covid, and in that same month she started not wanting to see me as much. She didn't want to talk to me as much. She was telling me about all the fancy dinners he was taking her to, how he was fixing her house up and how great everything was. While I was sick and couldn't even see her and communication suddenly degraded. Her family was getting upset with her for letting him stay going forward. Then she stopped saying I love you and would make fun of me when I said it to her. When I asked her about it and said it hurt and didn't know what was going on, she said she lost feelings for me a month ago. She said we had nothing in common, I was too mentally draining, no feelings and had a bad sex life. I was shocked and didn't understand. There was no communication about this or even allowed a chance for us to work on it together. I tried asking questions but she told me she didn't have to answer and it's not an interrogation. She seemed so cold suddenly, like I didn't matter and casually discarded me with no contact and removed all traces of our relationship on fathers day. She didn't do it in person or even gave me a phone call outside of when I asked what was happening. It all had to be over text. I'm trying to grow from this to learn but just very confused and unsure of what even happened. I know at the end I was angry and that wasn't right. But this seems weird. Any advice to move forward? What may I have missed? Am I not seeing something that should be obvious? My friend said I had to think about what she was getting from me in the relationship, and when her step dad moved in, she didn't need anything from me anymore. Is that type of thing common?
Maybe he is trying to isolate by offering her a higher lifestyle and at the same time telling "see what a real man can do for you, you can do better than your bf", and i wouldn't be surprised if she is sleeping with him.
People suck and the fact that this happened hurts so much. It's only been a few weeks and all I feel is pain and betrayal. Along with being sick at the thought of that type of behavior to someone they supposedly loved. Dropped for a rich step parent who did that and potentially sleeping with him too. I chose a real winner huh...
At this point you can try to see the positive that at least there is nothing tying you to her like kids, haven't been living together etc
Very true. Seems so small right now but this is a good thing like you said and I'll find love again with a better person next time. I'm a hopeless romantic so I feel it in my soul that there is a good person out there for me. Last few relationships were not good and I thought I was getting better but it's all about learning. I shall improve and be better
The first thing that came to my mind when reading this is that it's possible that she might also be somewhat narcissistic? I'm not an expert and I know that word is used too loosely, but telling you she loved you after one month, and then turned cold suddenly on you, especially the making fun of you when you say you loved her. That's not typical avoidant behavior.
Oh that's definitely possibility. I've heard that being said by my friends too. From research I've been doing I guess anxious attachment styles attract narcissistic people. I am going to do some reflection/reseaech on this in the coming months to try and find signs. That way I dont have it happen again or I make a better choice in a potential life partner
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That... I didn't even think of. She did invite him to events I made clear were special to me that I wanted to share with her. She made comments on how good he looks for an older man. Or comments like how she prefers burly men who fix things with their hands. I'm handy but no carpenter or electrician for example. She wouldn't accept my willingness to learn and help support her. It seems now that she didn't want it and got it from him instead. In more ways than one (sex, money, lack of emotional intimacy, paid rent and fancy meals in the 300$ range etc) I made it very clear I wasn't happy or supportive of this choice, nor did I think it was a good idea but she said "well, at least he can fix my house)
Go easy on yourself, it's not your fault!! I'm an anxious attacher too so I get it, I think one of the big things to look out for is the love bombing. I've become almost too hypervigilant of it and assume if anyone shows genuine interest, it's love bombing lol. But yeah, saying I love you within one month is a big sign, but again, it's not your fault. It's easy for anyone to be ensnared by them.
Thank you internet friend. I needed to hear that. My world was shattered because I let them in and believed them. I'll try to give myself some slack as in the end, I feel this says way more about her than me. I loved with all my heart and she played games or worse as some others have said
Of course!! Please get some professional help if you can. Recovering from narcissistic abuse (which reading more of your comments, it seems like this was) can be pretty intense and you need an outsider to help you see through it. ETA I am not a doctor or mental health professional, this is just my layman's best guess.
I think I shall. It's my first experience with it. I just started a new job so once I'm settled in I'll look at therapy. Is better help any good?
I don't have experience with it but I would definitely do a lot of research, it's pretty controversial
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Yeah I was also thinking it sounds like her step dad is actually her sugar daddy.