This post has super misogynistic undertones. Your DB has nothing to do with the number of partners your wife had. Take some accountability on your end (and yes, hers too.)
I was a big hoe when I was younger, I had fun! I’m still having awesome sex with my husband 2x a week and it’s been more than 20 years. I have no idea why you’d relate how many people she was with in the past to why she may or may not want you now?
>with oral ending in orgasms for both. But it had to have been the worst sexual encounter with her ever… I mean, we both got off, but it seemed routine.She had vaginal dryness as well the entire time and was hardly into it.
That's not how this works. Oral ending in orgasms for both does not happen with vaginal dryness the entire time. She didn't get off. She told you that to get it over with. How long did you go down on her? It likely takes 30 enthusiastic minutes for her to even start to get into it or get off. I don't mean 30 minutes of I'd rather be doing something else. I mean 30 plus minutes dedicated to rocking her world.
Don’t speak for everyone. I can get there much much faster than 30 mins of oral, closer to 5-10 mins I would say. We are not all built the same and it doesn’t help people understand their partner’s needs by being prescriptive about what works and what doesn’t .
Penetrative sex works for me but not in every position. This is definitely not the same for other women I know.
Good lord. I'm very clearly not speaking for everyone. The lesson is it may take her a LOT more time. Which is far more helpful than implying it could only take his wife 5-10 minutes, which is not even close to average.
If you'll notice only one of us is talking specifically about ourselves. That is what isn't helpful.
Genuinely, how have you determined that 30 minutes is average? Most clit lit is much quicker to read for example and I’ve never heard of my friends taking 30 minutes or more? I don’t feel like I am especially fast. It may take OPs partner 30 minutes but I am just curious about how we figure this is average.
I think it’s a more helpful conversation for people to learn what works for their particular partner. Not sure that rules necessarily apply.
Wait, I just caught this:
>I’ve never heard of my friends taking 30 minutes or more
Well case closed then. Your personal experience is all that matters. I must've forgotten. Lol.
Google it. There aren't many articles arguing less is better when it comes to women and foreplay. It's never been a closely held secret that many women need more foreplay rather than less.
If you'll recall OP said his wife had vaginal dryness throughout the process yet also said they both had orgasms. Healthy physiology in women doesn't work that way. The vagina is self lubricating - not that you can't add extra lubrication but it's a good indication of her excitement level. If there is no lubrication, that's a sign that maybe there wasn't enough time or effort put in. Or maybe her hormones are out of whack or there's something going on psychologically. Only one is an easy theory to test. Try more.
It's a generally safe life lesson that if something is good then more is better. If it's not that good then one should work on leveling up their game.
Again, for some reason you made this about you personally. Which is weird. None of what I have shared should be groundbreaking intel. Nor should it be arguable that many women need more foreplay
> She had vaginal dryness as well the entire time and was hardly into it.
I have a very visceral mind, so I can literally picture this in my head. Just the thought of dry skin against dry skin in an extremely sensitive part of the body 😵💫
I personally wouldn’t have sex for a long time with a partner for this alone and I’m HL!
Her being dry, if it’s not medically related, is her not being aroused at all. That level of dryness is a sign she was not physically turned in at all for even a second.
This means if anything, foreplay was too short (less than 10 mins) or no foreplay happened at all.
Here is one thing I read recently about women and arousal that needs to be read to fully understand why foreplay is vital:
> It's normal for a woman to require 20-30 minutes of foreplay to become completely aroused, with the labia, vaginal tissue, and entire clitoris fully "tumescent" (swollen with blood). It's rare for couples to actually spend that long on foreplay, and they often leave out essential parts. (For example, multiple studies have shown that deep kissing at the start turns out to be an important predictor for whether a women will have an orgasm during PIV, so don't skip the passionate makeout sessions!)
Something to really mull over about the extent of foreplay not being considered and utilize when having sex with your partner OP.
I really don't think her previous sexual history has any bearing on the current situation. My wife was a virgin when she met me, and I'm the only guy she's ever "knocked knees" with. But her libido is gone now.
It sounds like your wife has lost attraction and desire. The dating game never stops. Need to introduce mystery, excitement, escape, and be an attractive person
Also I’d like to talk about op saying “arguments stopped”. I think it’s healthy to have a little bit of arguing in relationships. This may be far fetched and I’m not saying it’s the truth, but is there any possibility that she’s given up on the relationship? If there was something that bothered her that ultimately never changed, she could’ve accepted it and decided to have a platonic relationship with u for the sake of mental peace.
Hi 41f here. I had let's just say an exciting past 😂 and going through the motions of perimenopause currently .. I would have my hubby every damn day if I could! He is more LL. I honestly don't think that past experience has anything to do with the now situation. I think we all go through things,and sometimes get too comfortable then that becomes the new pattern . Hope things will get better for you ❤️
Both my husband and I had a lot of sexual partners in our life (since we started in the 1970s) and I’m the one who still thinks we should be having more and better sex.
I’ve only had 4 or 5 significant relationships though.
Mine has slept with one person, once before me. Sex wasn’t exactly on the menu to start with looking back. In my experience the dead bedroom isn’t a game you’ll win, you’ll never know the rules because they always change when you get close and you’ll never understand why you’re playing the game in the first place
"the dead bedroom isn't a game you'll win" is the quote of the month for me right here. Luckily my current life is not a DB but i survived two longish relationships/marriages and 4 kids preceding this, so I'm only here to say to those in despair, there is always hope outside the DB, just don't blow your chance for an exit when it comes along...
Me(37M) and her(37F) are not entirely in DB situation yet, but the frequency is absolutely poor. Once per month. Sex is great thou. She had 8sex partners including me. This is going like this for 5y already. We are 14y together. 7y and 2y old kids.
So this is interesting theory you got there, but it might be more complicated. Definitelly it can be one of the reasons.
Truth is or at least I believe so, is that this can be fixed. It just require both to do something about it.
>QUESTION: So does one’swife sexual history truly play a part in future marital satisfaction?? No
This post has super misogynistic undertones. Your DB has nothing to do with the number of partners your wife had. Take some accountability on your end (and yes, hers too.)
I was a big hoe when I was younger, I had fun! I’m still having awesome sex with my husband 2x a week and it’s been more than 20 years. I have no idea why you’d relate how many people she was with in the past to why she may or may not want you now?
>with oral ending in orgasms for both. But it had to have been the worst sexual encounter with her ever… I mean, we both got off, but it seemed routine.She had vaginal dryness as well the entire time and was hardly into it. That's not how this works. Oral ending in orgasms for both does not happen with vaginal dryness the entire time. She didn't get off. She told you that to get it over with. How long did you go down on her? It likely takes 30 enthusiastic minutes for her to even start to get into it or get off. I don't mean 30 minutes of I'd rather be doing something else. I mean 30 plus minutes dedicated to rocking her world.
Don’t speak for everyone. I can get there much much faster than 30 mins of oral, closer to 5-10 mins I would say. We are not all built the same and it doesn’t help people understand their partner’s needs by being prescriptive about what works and what doesn’t . Penetrative sex works for me but not in every position. This is definitely not the same for other women I know.
Good lord. I'm very clearly not speaking for everyone. The lesson is it may take her a LOT more time. Which is far more helpful than implying it could only take his wife 5-10 minutes, which is not even close to average. If you'll notice only one of us is talking specifically about ourselves. That is what isn't helpful.
Genuinely, how have you determined that 30 minutes is average? Most clit lit is much quicker to read for example and I’ve never heard of my friends taking 30 minutes or more? I don’t feel like I am especially fast. It may take OPs partner 30 minutes but I am just curious about how we figure this is average. I think it’s a more helpful conversation for people to learn what works for their particular partner. Not sure that rules necessarily apply.
Wait, I just caught this: >I’ve never heard of my friends taking 30 minutes or more Well case closed then. Your personal experience is all that matters. I must've forgotten. Lol.
Google it. There aren't many articles arguing less is better when it comes to women and foreplay. It's never been a closely held secret that many women need more foreplay rather than less. If you'll recall OP said his wife had vaginal dryness throughout the process yet also said they both had orgasms. Healthy physiology in women doesn't work that way. The vagina is self lubricating - not that you can't add extra lubrication but it's a good indication of her excitement level. If there is no lubrication, that's a sign that maybe there wasn't enough time or effort put in. Or maybe her hormones are out of whack or there's something going on psychologically. Only one is an easy theory to test. Try more. It's a generally safe life lesson that if something is good then more is better. If it's not that good then one should work on leveling up their game. Again, for some reason you made this about you personally. Which is weird. None of what I have shared should be groundbreaking intel. Nor should it be arguable that many women need more foreplay
> She had vaginal dryness as well the entire time and was hardly into it. I have a very visceral mind, so I can literally picture this in my head. Just the thought of dry skin against dry skin in an extremely sensitive part of the body 😵💫 I personally wouldn’t have sex for a long time with a partner for this alone and I’m HL! Her being dry, if it’s not medically related, is her not being aroused at all. That level of dryness is a sign she was not physically turned in at all for even a second. This means if anything, foreplay was too short (less than 10 mins) or no foreplay happened at all. Here is one thing I read recently about women and arousal that needs to be read to fully understand why foreplay is vital: > It's normal for a woman to require 20-30 minutes of foreplay to become completely aroused, with the labia, vaginal tissue, and entire clitoris fully "tumescent" (swollen with blood). It's rare for couples to actually spend that long on foreplay, and they often leave out essential parts. (For example, multiple studies have shown that deep kissing at the start turns out to be an important predictor for whether a women will have an orgasm during PIV, so don't skip the passionate makeout sessions!) Something to really mull over about the extent of foreplay not being considered and utilize when having sex with your partner OP.
I was my wife’s first. Married for 22 years, no intimacy, at all, since June 2015. I hate that I know the date.
We all know the date. Last time was in August 2003. About six times in the 13 years before that.
Sorry, my friend.
I really don't think her previous sexual history has any bearing on the current situation. My wife was a virgin when she met me, and I'm the only guy she's ever "knocked knees" with. But her libido is gone now.
It sounds like your wife has lost attraction and desire. The dating game never stops. Need to introduce mystery, excitement, escape, and be an attractive person
Also I’d like to talk about op saying “arguments stopped”. I think it’s healthy to have a little bit of arguing in relationships. This may be far fetched and I’m not saying it’s the truth, but is there any possibility that she’s given up on the relationship? If there was something that bothered her that ultimately never changed, she could’ve accepted it and decided to have a platonic relationship with u for the sake of mental peace.
The arguments stop when you stop caring IMO.
Hi 41f here. I had let's just say an exciting past 😂 and going through the motions of perimenopause currently .. I would have my hubby every damn day if I could! He is more LL. I honestly don't think that past experience has anything to do with the now situation. I think we all go through things,and sometimes get too comfortable then that becomes the new pattern . Hope things will get better for you ❤️
Both my husband and I had a lot of sexual partners in our life (since we started in the 1970s) and I’m the one who still thinks we should be having more and better sex. I’ve only had 4 or 5 significant relationships though.
Mine has slept with one person, once before me. Sex wasn’t exactly on the menu to start with looking back. In my experience the dead bedroom isn’t a game you’ll win, you’ll never know the rules because they always change when you get close and you’ll never understand why you’re playing the game in the first place
"the dead bedroom isn't a game you'll win" is the quote of the month for me right here. Luckily my current life is not a DB but i survived two longish relationships/marriages and 4 kids preceding this, so I'm only here to say to those in despair, there is always hope outside the DB, just don't blow your chance for an exit when it comes along...
I couldn’t agree more. I wish I had the finances to leave
Me(37M) and her(37F) are not entirely in DB situation yet, but the frequency is absolutely poor. Once per month. Sex is great thou. She had 8sex partners including me. This is going like this for 5y already. We are 14y together. 7y and 2y old kids. So this is interesting theory you got there, but it might be more complicated. Definitelly it can be one of the reasons. Truth is or at least I believe so, is that this can be fixed. It just require both to do something about it.