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“OK, I’m looking for either the captain or the first mate. I have got to tell them the quartermaster died because Of tainted magic cocaine and became a pseudolich.”
So I was the GM in the campaign. And yes, they did get to kill the pseudolich.
Basically, the cocaine was laced with a substance that creates a unstable form of temporary Lichdom.
Casters becomes incredibly powerful. They don’t suddenly learn more spells, but all of those spells are boosted, and they essentially cast them for free. They are no longer bound by Vancian limits.
They will explode in a matter of hours, if not sooner, depending on the level of activity.
Fortunately, the party managed to take him down before he could blow a hole in the boat. With a combination of sword blows to the face , space warping magic, and a lightning bolt.
Thank you so much for your question and comment!
My friends and I have an entire discord channel dedicated to stupid sentences our characters say.
So the most entertaining from my characters:
"I want the bones."
"War crimes are war crimes!"
"It's too late for that. We have a fish."
"I kill myself on the spot."
"I don't know if life was good... I got shot."
"I hear voices in my head..."
"Chloroform is an excellent persuasion device."
"He knows how to kill geologists!"
Ah, your obsidian knife is sharp and of fine quality, but you should know that obsidian, also called volcanic glass, is rather brittle and can break easily into sharp pieces—likely how that knife of yours was made. It’s impressive and beautiful, but not very effective as a weapon, because, as I mentioned, obsidian is too brittle to-
Full title would probably be something like:
“I am married to my [step sister]/[childhood friend]/[other relative]?! - My childhood marriage was real?! “
Or
“I married my [insert tropy love interest]? - Our childhood marriage was performed by a real preast and now it is legitimate?!”
Session 3 of the campaign, player fought off 4 or 5 shadows & an undead sludge with an NPC.
Magical darkness surrounded the player & co.
Me, Dm: You hear ethereal wailing & some wet sloshing.
Player: Ghosts? Wet Ghosts?
I: "Want to go finish building the house?"
F: "We just witnessed a massacre."
\~\~\~
C: "I invoke bird law!"
DM, without missing a beat: "So there's a pecking order?"
\~\~\~
H: "Murphy's law can kiss my ass!"
F: "You're going to be kissing Murphy's ass."
there are more
“Your horses are lesbians” and “I have a strong temptation for Fiddlehands to wake up Corvo by blowing the bellows into his nose” were both great.
“Frederic has a nightmare about his shoes demanding a refund”
"How do you have a helmet that looks like someone nailed a manta ray to your forehead?"
"He's gonna use the sea pickle as a hand drill."
I’ve got plenty more
The simplest explanation without going into too many details about the party, their in jokes, and the dynamics is that the Druid struck up a conversation with a group of horses and just completely out of nowhere dropped that line to the NPC stablemaster as the party was leaving.
"We'll take a shortcut through Hell"
"TOO MANY MUTANTS, NOT ENOUGH LOOT!"
"We emphasize that no amount of feces is allowed in the food preparation area"
"We can't stay here and worry about all the things that might go wrong. We must go out and experience them!"
"Surprise autopsy!"
- "How was this ever Plan A?"
- "We didn't have any others!"
>"We can't stay here and worry about all the things that might go wrong. We must go out and experience them!"
Is my favorite quote, thank you for that!
Oh my god these are the words I live by with the schemes I think of.
“Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that we are currently doing a chase scene in a 1960 Winnebago. Weird enough in itself, how fucking ever, we have a warlock shooting fire out of the back screaming *TURBO BOOST,* a WW1 German soldier on the roof shooting a trenchgun at our pursuers, a fucking Firbolg leaning out of the passenger side window whilst waving a large stick, and top top everything off, the Driver is a fucking Fish.
Congratulations fuckers, you have created the most apeshit scenario that I’ve ever seen.”
My DM after we successfully evaded capture and finished a mission.
“I don’t speak bad service area.”
“You use deodorant like Perrier uses flavoring.”
“We started world war three with a red bouncy ball.”
“Look, if “Puzzle” is a word, I’m allowed to say “Shelangabang.””
“Are you resistant to acid damage? Because you’re a basic bitch.”
“If you play megalovania on my turn, I will fucking stab you.”
“Viben’t”
“Eyeballing. The best of the ‘Not an Exact Science’ sciences.”
“Can I stream government secrets on twitch?”
“When you start quoting the Bible, I start panicking. So let’s dial that back a bit.”
“Look, educated bullshit ain’t an exact science.”
“The Captain is like the 1812 Overture. Classy, but with Cannons.”
Shit you not from the last session:
Warlock: "Come on fighter, we got what we came for"
Fighter (middle of a food eating competition): "Hold on I'm not done eating this man out!"
The session stopped for like 20 minutes because no one could hold it together..
"Wait, how long does he kick me in the face for? Do I have time to go shopping?"
Also from the same guy.
"Well technically I *did* die, but I got better."
"The incel is the most socially competent character"
"ACAB means dogs too"
"All dwarves are twice as wide as they are tall"
"Bro what the fuck is lifting? It's all about the fucking hunt!"
"You successfully shit your pants"
"Where did you get cake?"
Edit: thought of more
My group does this we call it out of context d&d to people who miss a session we just send randomly related pictures with no context and they have to figure out what happened
My group used to do this, until one day I decided to format the quotes like headlines on a magazine cover. Now I'm stuck releasing an issue of "Barovia Magazine" written by my barely-literate Barbarian after every session. At the moment, there's an ongoing competition for "Barovia's next top daddy" if you want to enter.
A few of my personal favorites from various party members
- It was through the voices, don’t worry about it
- It’s always good to have a little knife up your butt just in case
- I know how to make a man bark
- Gnomish to swag translation please?
- I am an open book in a language you vaguely understand
- You see him, in a coma, and un-erect
we have:
"can i persuade the hooker to go inside?" "one of my hands is on my rifle, the other on my conscience" "i eat the family photo"
all of them from the same player
Some favorites from a different campaign
(@ the party’s bloodhunter) weird blood person? What are you O- you dumb bitch?
Druid- so it’s basically a perpetual life death cycle?Cleric- ah I see, solar power
The bros are thriving the foes are writhing
ArkHaven was built on mpreg and don’t you ever forget that
Cleric- He’s consulting with the enemy!
Warlock- he’s my DAD
Ohhhh there are traps in our dungeon!
Crouch you stupid
Ranger- what they don’t know can’t hurt them
Cleric- yeah but what the WILL know might
“I’m not saying I will 10/10 smash Grannie, but I will 10/10 smash Grannie”
If you want a lot of fun out of context quotes and stuff, you can also go check out r/OutOfContextDnD
most famous from our sessions that became a running joke actually fuck it here two running jokes from our group.
there are elves in the dark? are they like right next to me now? massive barbarian dragonborn proceeds to swing his axe at the attempt to hit the elves in the dark
theres an imp! arrow shot. what imp? oh that dead imp right there.
"I start making the nipples into a necklace."
"Personally I think we should just leave."
"Hey fake ex-husband, how is it going?"
"The tiefling is his (Kenku's) sister. We're trying to work out the mechanics there."
And one from the dm: "At this point I've given up on trying to anticipate you, I always get it wrong."
Lol, my d&d server has a channel dedicated to this purpose alone. With things like “You intake so many calories it comes out as radiant magic!” Or “I’ll get your mother to make you call me mommy” or!! “CANCER PLUS CANCER DOESN’T EQUAL NEGATIVE CANCER!!” Or again!! “Managing your emotions isn’t a real skill?” ~abrasive paladin cat girl
Pc1: the horrible monster seems to target only people's wives.
Pc2: what a brilliant deduction, we should find someone's wife to use as bait.
Pc1: ........ will you marry me (in game)
Pc3: I HAVE THE CEREMONY SPELL!
(dying voice)"you must know that... (voice like nothing happened) I am druid"
(contex for curious)
my friend back in 3.5 was playing druid and he was dying bc of poison and mid-sentence he realised that he is immune to poison as a druid
"I took the time to look and study mutilated bodies before and after death, but I managed to mix up the order of the 4 seasons" -me, a regular DM
"I GOT ONE LINE FROM THE DAMN RIDDLE OUT OF MY MOUTH, ONE LINE!!! I DIDNT EVEN INTRODUCE THE TWIST AND YOU DUMBFUCK DECIDED TO DRINK 3 CUPS OF POISON!!! WTF??"
So, in our Lovecraftian horror campaign with a rather colourfull party:
"Sorry to dissapoint, but this will not be a dating sim." -DM
"Mark your territory, not yourself." -druid
"Let's be realistic." -sorcerer pointing at the haunted forest we're trapped in
"Taika, get your hand out of your pants and Arkat, your boner is showing." -ranger
"Vadon is too much of a pragmatist to understand orgies" -warlock
Sadly, no quotes from the cricketfolk rogue from the feywild have made it into the list thusfar. He's the normal guy in the party.
oh this one is great because I send daily out of context quotes to my friends so I have a ton. Here's some of the more recent ones:
- "I assumed it was the single fuck left in my inventory,"
- "Ah yes, converting the iron. Because that's what normal people do." - in reference to the party Paladin
- "is anyone ever really prepared for the giant snake through the curtain?"
- "You did a very good job of searching the sewing room. I'm not sure you found the sewing room."
- "wrap him inside a new futon like a spring roll"
>"Put (the Warforged) in the bathtub. That’s where you’re supposed to put toasters."
-
>"This seems overly complicated for what amounts to buying a battery."
>DM: “Yes.”
-
>"I’m going to be taking all the cult's gamer girl bath water, and all the red dragon’s feet pics."
-
>“Do you really need to be taking boner pills right now?”
-
>”If you want to do some combat, I can switch out with you.”
>“Fuck no, I’m a wizard.”
-
>”I get 3 BREADS!!”
-
>”They are lesbians.”
>“Sir, this is an Uber.”
-
>”You find a kobold plushie.”
>“I grab the plushie.”
>“What’s your AC?”
-
>”There is now government surveillance of you guys taking a child into a white van.”
-
>”I didn’t do anything (last session.)”
>“You talked to God!”
-
>”It’s not war if it’s terrorism.”
-
>"You’re kinda slow.”
>“Thanks mom.”
-
>”It started with ‘huh, these guys are rowdy; fun!’ But now I’m realizing these people are just batshit insane.”
-
>"We’re not paranoid because we’re right."
-
>”How are we supposed to know that these guys won’t just rob us?”
>“I put on a top hat.”
-
>”I didn’t take that sexually, I took it considerably worse.”
-
>"If you kill me I will become a vTuber. You can't stop me."
-
>”Weird fetish.”
>“That is my BROTHER.”
-
>”What are the chances the one person we stumbled across was a fey?”
>“I dunno, what are the chances the one person (Warlock) had sex with was a hag?”
-
>”We will deal with mommy issues after we lay siege to the castle.”
-
>”Your brother helped take down slave trade routes.”
>“And how many times was he naked doing it?”
"Let's find a brothel"-Barbarian
"wHaT- Cleirc
"Its cold and rainy and we are out of rats" -Barbarian
"Why do you want to go to brothel?" Cleric
"Soup, broth, that's what a Brothel is for [Wizard] said so"-Barbarian
"Wait there were rats in our soup"-Bard
Two personal favourites from games I've played in are. "We just fed Gordon Ramsay to an ogre" and "That sounded better going into my mouth than it did coming out"
**Mod update 01Jan23:** [Come give your nominations for this years DnDMemes Best of Awards!](https://www.reddit.com/r/dndmemes/comments/102pn6n/its_finally_time_for_our_2022_best_of_awards), You have until Jan 13th! We also made some changes to our subreddit rules! Please take a look at the post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dndmemes/comments/100sjea/new_year_new_rules/) to view the changes and provide feedback. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dndmemes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“OK, I’m looking for either the captain or the first mate. I have got to tell them the quartermaster died because Of tainted magic cocaine and became a pseudolich.”
Did you get to kill the pseudolich?
So I was the GM in the campaign. And yes, they did get to kill the pseudolich. Basically, the cocaine was laced with a substance that creates a unstable form of temporary Lichdom. Casters becomes incredibly powerful. They don’t suddenly learn more spells, but all of those spells are boosted, and they essentially cast them for free. They are no longer bound by Vancian limits. They will explode in a matter of hours, if not sooner, depending on the level of activity. Fortunately, the party managed to take him down before he could blow a hole in the boat. With a combination of sword blows to the face , space warping magic, and a lightning bolt. Thank you so much for your question and comment!
That sounds like so much fun! I might steal that magic drug hook too
It’s cool, they did something similar on NADPOD and called it “Arcaine” which is p good.
Fuck that arcain shit I'm fuckin straight edge bro!
I always hate when that happens
Cocaine is one helluva drug
My friends and I have an entire discord channel dedicated to stupid sentences our characters say. So the most entertaining from my characters: "I want the bones." "War crimes are war crimes!" "It's too late for that. We have a fish." "I kill myself on the spot." "I don't know if life was good... I got shot." "I hear voices in my head..." "Chloroform is an excellent persuasion device." "He knows how to kill geologists!"
"...they talk to me they understand"
"They council me, they understand."
I thought so but I wasn't sure
>"He knows how to kill geologists!" Gonna need an obsidian knife and a baseball bat.
A wooden baseball bat, since they can only see rocks
Not if they multi-class into botanist/arborist
And minerals
Ah, your obsidian knife is sharp and of fine quality, but you should know that obsidian, also called volcanic glass, is rather brittle and can break easily into sharp pieces—likely how that knife of yours was made. It’s impressive and beautiful, but not very effective as a weapon, because, as I mentioned, obsidian is too brittle to-
*sounds of baseball bat impact*
*Dead geologist noises*
Same here, we have extensive archives
We have one as well but it includes stuff we say in real life
"Do those two know you're a real priest?" "No, and it'll be hilarious when their parents find out."
Sounds like a hilarious anime “My childhood marriage was valid?!”
Full title would probably be something like: “I am married to my [step sister]/[childhood friend]/[other relative]?! - My childhood marriage was real?! “ Or “I married my [insert tropy love interest]? - Our childhood marriage was performed by a real preast and now it is legitimate?!”
What's up with the full sentences these days? I remember when anime had a proper name, dang it!
It’s the title and the back-of-the-book blurb all in one!
That sounds like a great rom-com
I would watch it, sounds amazing
Please, continue this story. That sound hilarious. I need to know more.
"IM SORRY IM NOT EXPERIENCED WITH LAYING SIEGE TO A BROTHEL!!"
Said no bard ever.
They're more used to *being* besieged in brothels.
With freebies? Is Podrick a bard?!
The only reasonable explanation.
"Did Myne become a god?" "In our defense, we left her alone for like five minutes" "That was your first mistake"
Spoilers for shield hero
That's a good one!
"What're the impacts on my characters alignment if we left [party rogue] in the stocks?"
Definitely more lawful, circumstances dictate good or evil shifting.
"Can I get advantage due to racism?"
Ah, I haven't played a Ranger in a while.
I mean tell me that isn't what favored enemy means
It’s also the entire ethos of the Oath of the Watcher Paladin.
A friend of mine gave me an idea to play a border patrol Watchers Paladin. Or a customs guy
“The lesson is, running away from your problems really does work if you can fly!”
Great life advice tbh
—Quote from PC seconds before being sniped by town guards with longbows
Last session was: “Wet ghosts?”
"At this time of year?"
"at this part of the campaign?"
“Localised entirely within this castle?”
"Can I see them?"
"No."
"Well, DM, you are a strange fellow, but you steam a good campaign"
"DM! THE PLOT IS FULL OF HOLES!"
"No, player, it's just creative worldbuilding"
Session 3 of the campaign, player fought off 4 or 5 shadows & an undead sludge with an NPC. Magical darkness surrounded the player & co. Me, Dm: You hear ethereal wailing & some wet sloshing. Player: Ghosts? Wet Ghosts?
"In this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?"
In this economy?
One of ours a few months ago which is one of my favorites was: Rahadin: “I’m gonna fuck that toad”
#”I’M A FISH OWL?!”
So you’re a duck? (Fowl)
Words cannot describe how much I both hate and love that. Thanks for the character idea, take my upvote, and leave.
"That tree has been masturbating for thousands of years."
do i want to know the context?
Entwives all missing :(
I: "Want to go finish building the house?" F: "We just witnessed a massacre." \~\~\~ C: "I invoke bird law!" DM, without missing a beat: "So there's a pecking order?" \~\~\~ H: "Murphy's law can kiss my ass!" F: "You're going to be kissing Murphy's ass." there are more
Well don’t stop now!
“Your horses are lesbians” and “I have a strong temptation for Fiddlehands to wake up Corvo by blowing the bellows into his nose” were both great. “Frederic has a nightmare about his shoes demanding a refund” "How do you have a helmet that looks like someone nailed a manta ray to your forehead?" "He's gonna use the sea pickle as a hand drill." I’ve got plenty more
....can I have the horse story please?
The simplest explanation without going into too many details about the party, their in jokes, and the dynamics is that the Druid struck up a conversation with a group of horses and just completely out of nowhere dropped that line to the NPC stablemaster as the party was leaving.
Brilliant
"There is no water in caves" "What if there's an underground river or lake?" "Then that's not a cave obviously that's a tunnel for water"
Aren't almost all caves tunnels for water? That's, like, the primary mechanism for cave formation.
This was said by a really low int druid that had never left his swamp but was sure he knew everything about everything
Cave divers hate him.
That sounds like a secret tunnel!
Secret tunnel! Secret tunnel! -strums lute-
"DM, can I skim a Tortle across the lake?"
You can certainly try
I did, and I succeeded. Then rolled a D10 for the number of skips and got 8
our party did this but she needed a short rest after
"Alright, and who brought the horse to the gunfight with the police this time?"
Does this insinuat it happened before?
"We'll take a shortcut through Hell" "TOO MANY MUTANTS, NOT ENOUGH LOOT!" "We emphasize that no amount of feces is allowed in the food preparation area" "We can't stay here and worry about all the things that might go wrong. We must go out and experience them!" "Surprise autopsy!" - "How was this ever Plan A?" - "We didn't have any others!"
>"We can't stay here and worry about all the things that might go wrong. We must go out and experience them!" Is my favorite quote, thank you for that! Oh my god these are the words I live by with the schemes I think of.
"So what is your business in this town?" "Huh... Good question. Druid, the fuck are we doing here again?"
That's not out of context. That's a pretty typical sesh. Druid's the note taker, huh?
Not out of context, but not as straightforward as it seems. Druid's not the note taker, he acts more like a bard with main character syndrome.
Druid is the one person at the table trusted to be paying attention. That or they're the one doing the deciding on things.
Because only multitaskers choose druid
"I have to do everything because you idiots don't do shit"
“Kami, the fuck am I doing?” “The fuck is he doing?”
I am so glad someone got that. Also fits, my character is a Cleric.
If I was a shape shifter trying to trick you... Why would I be bright blue and eight time your size?
"Im not following you anymore, you Type O Blood Whore!"
"The apple has gained sentience and now it longs for the oblivion of death"
"There's a baby in the crib.." "Kill it..." "REALLY?" "What's the armor class of an infant?"
“Did you just make us fight a newborn?” “It was an evil dragon.” “So, yes, you did make us kill a baby.”
Slow pitch baboon balloon grenade.
“Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that we are currently doing a chase scene in a 1960 Winnebago. Weird enough in itself, how fucking ever, we have a warlock shooting fire out of the back screaming *TURBO BOOST,* a WW1 German soldier on the roof shooting a trenchgun at our pursuers, a fucking Firbolg leaning out of the passenger side window whilst waving a large stick, and top top everything off, the Driver is a fucking Fish. Congratulations fuckers, you have created the most apeshit scenario that I’ve ever seen.” My DM after we successfully evaded capture and finished a mission.
“I’ve got a plan.” “Is it a good one?” “Let me put it to you like this. Ahem, *I’ve got a plan, Arthur.*” “So no.”
“Essentially the plan is bumrushing with extra steps.”
“I don’t speak bad service area.” “You use deodorant like Perrier uses flavoring.” “We started world war three with a red bouncy ball.” “Look, if “Puzzle” is a word, I’m allowed to say “Shelangabang.”” “Are you resistant to acid damage? Because you’re a basic bitch.” “If you play megalovania on my turn, I will fucking stab you.” “Viben’t” “Eyeballing. The best of the ‘Not an Exact Science’ sciences.” “Can I stream government secrets on twitch?” “When you start quoting the Bible, I start panicking. So let’s dial that back a bit.” “Look, educated bullshit ain’t an exact science.” “The Captain is like the 1812 Overture. Classy, but with Cannons.”
>“Look, educated bullshit ain’t an exact science.” This is a personal attack and I don't even know you.
“can i roll to stop staring at the sun”
„I appear one size larger“ „You‘re gonna appear six feet lower pretty soon if you keep poking at me with that sentence.“
Shit you not from the last session: Warlock: "Come on fighter, we got what we came for" Fighter (middle of a food eating competition): "Hold on I'm not done eating this man out!" The session stopped for like 20 minutes because no one could hold it together..
Oh my god, that's lie rolling a 1 on a d100 lol How.....how did he botch his words that much?
"20d20? No problem."
We could round up the urchins and make them fight
I thought we don’t talk about fight club
"Wait, how long does he kick me in the face for? Do I have time to go shopping?" Also from the same guy. "Well technically I *did* die, but I got better."
*When questioned whether the giant house mimic had 6 legs or 8* “This is a house-spider, not a house-crab”
But... 6 legs is an insect, spiders have 8, and crabs have 10
And two of the crab legs are its pincers, so most people would consider crabs to have 8 legs
"The incel is the most socially competent character" "ACAB means dogs too" "All dwarves are twice as wide as they are tall" "Bro what the fuck is lifting? It's all about the fucking hunt!" "You successfully shit your pants" "Where did you get cake?" Edit: thought of more
"I waste him with my rowboat!" "We have Napoleon, the Blob, and half the X-men"
“He’s finally big enough for me to ride!” The druid had wildshaped into a dire wolf and my paladin didn’t have find greater steed yet
“Oh I’ll toss out my steaks to distract them!” “Your…stakes? Why would that distract them?”
My group does this we call it out of context d&d to people who miss a session we just send randomly related pictures with no context and they have to figure out what happened
My group used to do this, until one day I decided to format the quotes like headlines on a magazine cover. Now I'm stuck releasing an issue of "Barovia Magazine" written by my barely-literate Barbarian after every session. At the moment, there's an ongoing competition for "Barovia's next top daddy" if you want to enter.
"I swear if you pull out one more tentacle..." - My DM
A few of my personal favorites from various party members - It was through the voices, don’t worry about it - It’s always good to have a little knife up your butt just in case - I know how to make a man bark - Gnomish to swag translation please? - I am an open book in a language you vaguely understand - You see him, in a coma, and un-erect
"This is the least fun I've ever had while being tied up and sticky."
we have: "can i persuade the hooker to go inside?" "one of my hands is on my rifle, the other on my conscience" "i eat the family photo" all of them from the same player
"Maybe now's *not* the time to talk about the virtues of indoor plumbing"
"There are two types of people in this World. The ones who stand up to maniacal dictators, and the ones who get to live in this cool house."
Some favorites from a different campaign (@ the party’s bloodhunter) weird blood person? What are you O- you dumb bitch? Druid- so it’s basically a perpetual life death cycle?Cleric- ah I see, solar power The bros are thriving the foes are writhing ArkHaven was built on mpreg and don’t you ever forget that Cleric- He’s consulting with the enemy! Warlock- he’s my DAD Ohhhh there are traps in our dungeon! Crouch you stupid Ranger- what they don’t know can’t hurt them Cleric- yeah but what the WILL know might
Surprise! Pocket chili powder!
"YOU EXPLODED HIM WITH PISS!" 1 minute later "HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT YOUR JAR OF INFINITE PISS"
Wait, you are healing him with postive energy?
That… has a lot of implications. Of the undead verity.
If we take the child with us, we will have more food.
We should make this a weekly thread
The mimic walked, no, ran.... no... the minic skrinkled towards the party, its eyes ablaze with a crimson flame...
“It’s called a Shirley Temple because when you drink it you’ll see god”
“I’m not saying I will 10/10 smash Grannie, but I will 10/10 smash Grannie” If you want a lot of fun out of context quotes and stuff, you can also go check out r/OutOfContextDnD
most famous from our sessions that became a running joke actually fuck it here two running jokes from our group. there are elves in the dark? are they like right next to me now? massive barbarian dragonborn proceeds to swing his axe at the attempt to hit the elves in the dark theres an imp! arrow shot. what imp? oh that dead imp right there.
"I start making the nipples into a necklace." "Personally I think we should just leave." "Hey fake ex-husband, how is it going?" "The tiefling is his (Kenku's) sister. We're trying to work out the mechanics there." And one from the dm: "At this point I've given up on trying to anticipate you, I always get it wrong."
"There is no porn on Gooble."
"Of course I know what a kitchen is." "I was busy talking with my grandma in outer space." those are what come to mind atm lol
"YOU'RE UNARMED!" "I have two arms"
"hey DM, if I'm sexist for one round and consider our female cleric an object, can I shadow step with her dead body?"
"So your telling me you want your character to spend the next 8 months running around in circles?"
"We wouldn't excuse a genocide" "..." "We wouldn't... right?"
Lol, my d&d server has a channel dedicated to this purpose alone. With things like “You intake so many calories it comes out as radiant magic!” Or “I’ll get your mother to make you call me mommy” or!! “CANCER PLUS CANCER DOESN’T EQUAL NEGATIVE CANCER!!” Or again!! “Managing your emotions isn’t a real skill?” ~abrasive paladin cat girl
Cultists pay their taxes
"Relax, it was only 2 kids nobody is going to miss"
Pc1: the horrible monster seems to target only people's wives. Pc2: what a brilliant deduction, we should find someone's wife to use as bait. Pc1: ........ will you marry me (in game) Pc3: I HAVE THE CEREMONY SPELL!
Two favorites: "You just replaced a snake with a door." "Congratulations, you know have a mummy popsicle on a DVD of Birdemic!"
I want to try true loves first kiss to break the curse. Okay. Roll either performance or deception, depending on if you mean it of not.
"So, uh, y'all know anybody whose skin I could borrow for a month?"
"we didn't think it'd be that bad"
"Not all who launder are washed."
"Drugs, communism, terrorism"
"My owl can give people seizures" -Lok, Seizure Owl Master And "Now you probably have sussed me by now" -Lok, seconds away from unleashing a plague
Player 1: "My mind is like a steel trap!" Player 2: "Yes! Rusty and illegal in 17 states!"
"I can't offer you my nose because I don't have one."
(dying voice)"you must know that... (voice like nothing happened) I am druid" (contex for curious) my friend back in 3.5 was playing druid and he was dying bc of poison and mid-sentence he realised that he is immune to poison as a druid
He's coming up my ass! Cast that tentacle spell you have.
Not DnD but Call of Cthulu: " I have lost my p*nis for nothing"
“Roll for baby” “it’s a baby”
"Asphyxiation hasn't been any fun since I became a skeleton."
"That's life. Sometimes you step in dog poop, sometimes you get hit by a train."
“Don’t got time for taxes right now, we’re busy killing a nascent god.”
"I'm the one who grooms you guys!!"
Not from me but from my player "Oh fuck that. You're not leaving me stuck with Dumb and Dumber, a literal bastard and the Jew." *enters black hole*
"I took the time to look and study mutilated bodies before and after death, but I managed to mix up the order of the 4 seasons" -me, a regular DM "I GOT ONE LINE FROM THE DAMN RIDDLE OUT OF MY MOUTH, ONE LINE!!! I DIDNT EVEN INTRODUCE THE TWIST AND YOU DUMBFUCK DECIDED TO DRINK 3 CUPS OF POISON!!! WTF??"
Your character doesn’t know I’m pimping her out, stop resenting me!
Just because I, and every other member of my race we've met have been colossal idiots does not excuse your blatant racism!
“I’ve been here for five minutes and I’ve already gotten suplexed by a sentient dinner table”
Recently joined an online group that has a “quotes” thread in discord. Really appreciating it
So, in our Lovecraftian horror campaign with a rather colourfull party: "Sorry to dissapoint, but this will not be a dating sim." -DM "Mark your territory, not yourself." -druid "Let's be realistic." -sorcerer pointing at the haunted forest we're trapped in "Taika, get your hand out of your pants and Arkat, your boner is showing." -ranger "Vadon is too much of a pragmatist to understand orgies" -warlock Sadly, no quotes from the cricketfolk rogue from the feywild have made it into the list thusfar. He's the normal guy in the party.
"Get in loser, we're going to venerate satan"
"I could fight a bird" And "It's just moss" Both statements horribly false
"COMBAT JAZZ"
This one is old. "I don't care if she has a dick, I want ice cream!"
oh this one is great because I send daily out of context quotes to my friends so I have a ton. Here's some of the more recent ones: - "I assumed it was the single fuck left in my inventory," - "Ah yes, converting the iron. Because that's what normal people do." - in reference to the party Paladin - "is anyone ever really prepared for the giant snake through the curtain?" - "You did a very good job of searching the sewing room. I'm not sure you found the sewing room." - "wrap him inside a new futon like a spring roll"
"Is there something else in the room besides the Pile of Gold, the Bat's and the creepy babies?"
“PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS”
"You do not punch the octopus" (Literally next session, while fighting a stranger in the sewers) "I ask him about falconry"
Next time, the clown mafia won’t be so nice.
"BACK OFF I HAVE A VIOLIN!"
"TASTE THE FURY OF MY SALMON LAUNCHER!!!"
"A wolf never licks another wolf's balls. Wolf code "
“Look out! It’s a broom!” *panicked screaming followed by asking to make attack rolls against it*
>"Put (the Warforged) in the bathtub. That’s where you’re supposed to put toasters." - >"This seems overly complicated for what amounts to buying a battery." >DM: “Yes.” - >"I’m going to be taking all the cult's gamer girl bath water, and all the red dragon’s feet pics." - >“Do you really need to be taking boner pills right now?” - >”If you want to do some combat, I can switch out with you.” >“Fuck no, I’m a wizard.” - >”I get 3 BREADS!!” - >”They are lesbians.” >“Sir, this is an Uber.” - >”You find a kobold plushie.” >“I grab the plushie.” >“What’s your AC?” - >”There is now government surveillance of you guys taking a child into a white van.” - >”I didn’t do anything (last session.)” >“You talked to God!” - >”It’s not war if it’s terrorism.” - >"You’re kinda slow.” >“Thanks mom.” - >”It started with ‘huh, these guys are rowdy; fun!’ But now I’m realizing these people are just batshit insane.” - >"We’re not paranoid because we’re right." - >”How are we supposed to know that these guys won’t just rob us?” >“I put on a top hat.” - >”I didn’t take that sexually, I took it considerably worse.” - >"If you kill me I will become a vTuber. You can't stop me." - >”Weird fetish.” >“That is my BROTHER.” - >”What are the chances the one person we stumbled across was a fey?” >“I dunno, what are the chances the one person (Warlock) had sex with was a hag?” - >”We will deal with mommy issues after we lay siege to the castle.” - >”Your brother helped take down slave trade routes.” >“And how many times was he naked doing it?”
"How am I a beardless dwarf?!?"
*sultry flirting voice* “My husband was killed by badgers~”
"THEY FLY NOW!" As we get spotted by spiders for the third time.
"I'm not riding that thing bareback." -Logain, 1481 DR
“I touch myself” Lay on hands is a fun spell
"Let's find a brothel"-Barbarian "wHaT- Cleirc "Its cold and rainy and we are out of rats" -Barbarian "Why do you want to go to brothel?" Cleric "Soup, broth, that's what a Brothel is for [Wizard] said so"-Barbarian "Wait there were rats in our soup"-Bard
"I JUST WANNA KNOWN HOW MY HANDS WORK!"
“I wanted to be an archeologist but the swamp was full of demons!”
“You ask for wedding ring. Ivan only want onion ring!”
Two personal favourites from games I've played in are. "We just fed Gordon Ramsay to an ogre" and "That sounded better going into my mouth than it did coming out"