Thank you. That is how I feel too. My mother and father grew up in abusive homes and they did their best to teach us this. I for some reason never thought of mental/emotional abuse as abuse. I had my family and my friend to help me through all this but when I was talking to a group of old friends a few of them said I was wrong to leave him when he now needed me so much as I said in sickness and in health. I started thinking about it when I got home and started to second guess my reaction. They agreed it was also wrong to take his kids from him. I overthink and have anxiety and have been starting to think I was wrong.
The kids are exactly the reason for my leaving as them seeing everything and the help they needed after this broke my heart more then my ex did. I could not believe they ended up witnessing everything and I can't let it happen again.
One day he might get angry enough when one of your babies are too loud. What if in a fit of rage he squeezes that tiny neck? You’ll never recover from it. Every time you are told to go back, picture that in your head. It will give courage to your mom-heart and spine.
Exactly, Friend. You cannot ever have them in a position to go through something like that. Nor yourself. He was already an abusive and controlling person. Him getting a clinical diagnosis does not change the facts. And those facts are that he is an extreme danger to you and your kids. There’s a chilling thing I’ve heard about choking behavior. That a person (usually man) who chokes their partner is significantly more likely to kill them at some point.
So, you are NTA. Do not ever think of going back. But I’m worried for your safety. He’s going to hate the loss of control. Does he know where you are? Can you file a protective order? Do you have people close to you who are helping you? I’m really sorry for all you’ve been through. When I got to the story of your childbirth I was already like, this man is trash—WTF? But it of course got way worse. Be free.
You are correct. In fact, it's so predictable that some states in some countries will throw the book at men who strangle their partners, because it's essentially saying "I'm going to kill her eventually ". Non consensual Choking is a big deal and a sign to run
It’s so scary, but also just from a psychological perspective, interesting. I’ve wondered why strangulation is so often followed by murder. I guess that in itself, it’s a method of murder, but he just doesn’t go far enough that first time. It also is so sadistic. He is standing there, face-to-face with her, hands on her neck, looking in her terrified eyes. There’s so much rage in that act. And I’m sure he likes the feeling of power that her fear gives him. I really need to go look at puppies after just writing this.
This ^ is the right call, and I commend you for being the Mama Bear that your kids need. Many, many, people, have mental health challenges and don't attack their spouses, he's using his issues as a deflection tool to try and minimize his horrific and dangerous behavior.
I really, really, hope, you filed a police report, and a restraining order, if for no other reason than to protect yourself, and the kids, and to make it likelier that you get some custody with supervised visitation if you choose to allow it.
He's clearly not safe to be around, and you can't afford to take the chance that he will turn on your kids to get back at you for leaving him.
I've been where you are, and the only thing that kept my then toddler son and I safe from my ex was the charges I filed, and the restraining order.
After he violated it a couple of times he was looking at major jail time if he continued, so he finally stopped stalking us everywhere we went, and quit trying to break into our new home.
I know it's hard to think about putting someone you love behind bars, but holding him accountable will help keep your kids safer in the future, and position you in a better place during the divorce.
Please stay safe. Sending lots of invisible hugs your way. Take care.
As someone who’s had a mental breakdown…. I wouldve NEVER laid my hands on someone, let alone my partner. He’s trying to gaslight and manipulate you, I promise this is the right thing to do for you and your kids safety
People misuse the word gaslight a lot but THIS is EXACTLY what it means. He's trying to make you doubt reality. You know the truth. Hold onto that for dear life and don't let anyone make you forget it.
Once he chocked you, your chances of him murdering you went up by something like 750%. I’m being blunt, because whilst I’m not sure on the statistics, you are not the AH. You’re a hero who saved her own life. You need to know that.
Make sure you are documenting everything. Also did you go to the hospital after he abused you? Abusers will try to manipulate situations. Protect yourself and your kids. You may need to get a restraining order as well.
He choked you. That's a very strong red flag for danger to you and the kids in the future.
He will escalate. It's inevitable. So you did the right thing to leave. And the right thing in taking the kids. They absolutely should not be anywhere near him for their safety.
Your family survived through the mental, emotional, and physical abuse. The manipulation that allowed it or the psychological damage it has done. Period!
The problem is the aftermath of these abuses. The recovery from your abuse will be very different from the recovery of your children's. I say this bc your recovery will be for yourself and any future relationship that you may have.
Your children's recovery is going to deal with harm he did to you what they witnessed, and then learning what is normal and, more importantly, how to not repeat this sort of abuse in the future. For your children, they will be terrified to have him back, and yes, upset with you that you took him back. They won't understand before anymore than now.
Someone said in sick and health is NOT in abuse and danger. He can work in himself to become a better parent and partner to someone else in the future.
If you take him back and forgive, he will see the answer to keep you from you leaving is to get some help bc now it's just a slip around your throat. You will be twice as afraid to leave bc the next time it will be worse. He will condition you this time. He will kill you if you live, and he may very do this.
There is absolutely no coming back from this these types of abuses. You and your children need someone to stop the cycle. We either stop it or repeat it.
Edit: typos
The kids witnessing that violence should not be the only reason you left. It sounds like you’re saying if the kids hadn’t witnessed it all, you would have stayed with him. Self preservation comes before wedding vows.
I have blocked them after reading some of these comments. I am gonna get myself some help as I did let them get to me and I think I need to work through my issues as I need to learn to notice emotional abuse. I am someone who LOVES to be there for others and care for them. It is really what I feel I am made for. I hate not being there when people need me. I also need to realize that to teach my kids how to stand up for themselves I need to be someone who will do it for myself.
This sometimes can also be a trauma reflex too. The need to help, protect and help others. I believe it can be called a 'Saviour Complex' and with very empathic people, this can become quite a spiral.
I'm so glad you've gotten yourself and the children away from your ex. You ARE a victim, your children also are victims. Don't listen to those that tell you to stay - they would also be the ones that would act so confused and shocked if anything else happened and he harmed the kids. People like that don't deserve access to you.
In my experience the people who enable abusers are abusers themselves. When they hear someone describing their trauma, they identify, get scared that people will leave them, and sympathize with the abuser.
Some people want a license to treat others like shit.
You're doing fine. It was a huge step to leave. Wanting to be there for the people is a good thing but what your ex did is any single person's pay grade.
Contact a women’s’ shelter. Many of them have support groups that people can attend even if they are not residents at the shelter. It helps to have support and advice about what to do and how to stay safe when leaving an abusive relationship so you will stay safe. Abusers sometimes really lose their shit when they realize they are losing control over their victim and will escalate in order to terrorize the victim into being too afraid to leave. It’s not a safe situation for you or your children. Please don’t even consider going back to him, and stay safe.
He needs serious help for sure. But in sickness and in health doesn't justify you risking your life. Emotional abuse is harder to see than physical abuse. Unfortunately the scars are not visible to the people around you.
You're doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. Focus on that for now. If your parents are supportive lean on them. A good support system can only help and you and kids deserve the best.
As for your partner he needs to find his own support and not try to emotionally blackmail you back to him. He needs help from a trained professional. And the sad reality is unless he wants to change it's not going to help.
Sorry for rambling but remember this - you weren't wrong to leave and you are not wrong to stay away or keep your kids from him. If is not out of the realm of possibilities for him do something to them. I have worked in ERs on and off for over 20 years - I have seen what partner violence is capable of.
Safe ❤️
Dv statistics show the moment a partner chokes or strangles you the likelihood of you being killed by them becomes well pretty likely. People like things to be easy and not uncomfortable and the fact your husband assaulted you is scary. Please remember that your safety and your childrens is way more more important, than other people's thoughts on what you should have done.
Mu ex dragged me out the car window by my his, threw me against the wall with my 4 year old screaming don't hit my mommy. He tackled me in the middle of the street. I'm 5'4 110 lbs, he was 6'1 230. He broke I to the apartment after I threw him out. Blamed me for everything and said I should have done what he said and kept my mouth closed. STAY AWAY FROM HIM!! YOUR LIFE AND THE LIFE OF YOUR KIDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS FEELINGS.
In sickness and in health ended with hands around your throat. Your children saw that. Anyone telling you to go back better be willing to pay for the funerals when he kills you and your kids.
OP, I left my abusive ex when he was undergoing chemo. The amount of hate and disgust I got for that was wild. Ironically, the same people who were worried about the constant visible bruises and broken bones told me I should have waited until he was well to leave.
It was the first time he was unable to physically drag me and our baby back, and I took that chance and ran with it. I have no regrets! My daughter has been able to grow up in a healthy and safe home, away from emotional and physical abuse.
The same people who will look at you sideways for leaving would chatter about how you should have left immediately once it got worse. Or, he killed you or one of your kids. Screw those people OP! It's really easy to make moral judgments from the outside. Lucky them, they don't understand. You got yourself and your children out. It was the right choice!
"sickness and in health" my ass. The "sickness" is classified as being actually sick. Not being a sicko. He's a fucking psycho. I would have left him the minute put his hands on me.
Ask them if they’d let a maniac choke them and drag them around. Demand that they answer that question. They’re idiots and cowards and they need to stop giving shitty advice.
Also, you are not "playing" the victim - you ARE the victim! Nothing can excuse what he did to you, and in front of your kids, too. If you go back, you'd teach them that you stay with abusers, and won't make their safety your priority - they'd probably never forget or forgive that. Just make sure he gets no or only supervised visitation for the kids, if he even wants any.
He is the reason that it’s unsafe for him to be around the kids. Sickness and in health doesn’t mean physical abuse. They seem to care a lot more about him and what feelings he might have. They should be more concerned about your safety, your mental health after being assaulted, and your kids safety, and their mental health after witnessing their father brutalizing mom.
Many people don’t equate anything other than physical attacks as abuse. I didn’t learn about other abuse until I left my own abuser. I, for one, am proud of you! Trust yourself, your gut is always right. Have you met with anyone, like a DV advocate to help with resources and/or information? I strongly recommend finding one if you can.
We set hard limits on physical abuse and that becomes the focus and we end up in a ‘if it’s not physical it doesn’t count’ mindset. You’re not alone in that.
In sickness and in health goes both ways, taking care of yourself when you’re mentally ill isn’t something anyone can do for you. He was and/or is sick and should’ve gotten help for yours and the children’s sake even if he couldn’t do it for him. NTA.
That’s what living with someone abusive does to you. They make you start to believe you don’t know what’s best for yourself so that they can control you and make you question yourself instead of him.
The minute he put holes in the wall she should have been gone, but glad she left after the choking. Abusers who choke their partners are way more likely to kill them. studies show anywhere from 10x to 750x more likely to escalate to homicide.
A man who chokes you is, statistically and factually, a man who will kill you.
Never ever look back or your kids will grow up to have relationships just like this.
Run and never look back. If he did it once, he will do it again. Especially his reaction after the fact. You need to protect yourself and your children now.
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
“Strangulation is a significant predictor for future **lethal** violence. If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is **10 times higher**.” [emphasis mine]
This man is a danger to you and your children. Please do not minimize the risk. You were right to enforce the boundary you set at the beginning of your marriage.
NTA
I did not know this! I am glad I stood my ground! I am gonna have to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure my kids are never back in this situation and teach them how to treat their spouses when they are adults!
I’ve been learning a lot listening to Crime Analyst podcast with Laura Richards. She’s been working on dv and coercive control for over 20 years as a behavioural analyst. Highly recommend having a listen to understand how much abuse you’ve actually been through. It really opened my eyes to my own dad’s behaviour that ‘wasn’t really abuse coz he didn’t hit any of us’
I’m just so proud of you! Genuinely. & I know I’m a complete stranger but…just thought you should know! Remember, just keep putting one foot in front of the other until the weight gets easier to carry…& KNOW you’re a GOOD mom & are trying/willing to become your best self for all of you. That’s all something to be SUPER proud of! Rooting for you & your kiddos! ❤️ (I hope they were or are able to cope/process all of that SCARY with some help & heal to the best of their ability.) Also, fully agree with all of the above- I feel super sure that he would’ve never changed & only escalated if you hadn’t left…& only “ended” way tragically. He truly sounds super terrifying & unstable..& I hope you and your kiddos are safe & ALL of you are able to stay VERY far away from him forever, in all the ways. Bc if he’ll so easily do all that to you & right IN FRONT OF them, I’d bet he’d definitely do it TO them without flinching. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Wishing you & your kids nothing but GREAT things in life! 👏🏻❤️
You should be filing police reports and applying for an order of protection too. On top of protecting you and your kids, it’ll get everything on paper for the divorce proceedings.
Exactly. To put this in percentages it’s 68% chance of being killed according to a woman’s shelter website or 750% according to a Reddit post. Which ever statistic you look at is a lot!
Choking and strangulation in domestic violence situations is a very strong risk factor for future lethal violence. Please leave and find somewhere safe as quickly and safely as you humanly can
I have and divorce is final. Custody/visitation in place. This was posted tonight simply because I had a few friends, well I guess not friends telling me I should have stayed and helped my ex with his mental illness and I should not have broken up my family instead of being a good wife and helped my ex at this low point in his life.
To be blunt, your “friends” are idiots. First, witnessing domestic violence is terrible for kids. Second (and most important) you stay he is likely to kill you and might decide to take out the kids as well. Third, you are not his emotional support animal. If he is serious about getting better, he needs to do it on his own. If he has you to use as his emotional punching bag, it won’t happen.
Good luck! What you are doing is very brave.
A good wife in that situation equals a deceased wife. Your friends are probably dealing with personal mental health issues and see some of their behavior in your ex. They are gaslighting you just like your ex tried to do. It is not your responsibility to fix your ex. You better know that if you ever reunite with him, he will kill you as payback for leaving him the last time. Horrible friends.
Mental health issues ARE NOT an excuse to beat your wife, full stop.
If he chokes you once, he will kill you. The statics on this are staggering.
You did the right thing. Anybody telling you differently can STFU or volunteer to get beaten instead.
I'm tired of abusers using mental illness as an excuse to be dangerous. Most people who are suffering from mental illness are only really dangerous to themselves. It sounds like OP's ex was a dangerous, selfish, misogynist that had a violent tantrum.
Choking by an abuser is a serious sign of potential homicidal violence:
[https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/)
Get out, stay out, report the abuse to police.
You are very welcome.
My first memory as a child was when I was two. I remember we (my brothers and I) were napping and were awakened by noise. My dad was on top of my mom on the sofa, beating her. I remember a bit later, dad was gone, and we kids, 3,2,1 years, were looking at a hole in the wall from where my dad shoved my mom’s head into it.
You absolutely made the right choice.
It doesn’t matter if your husband had a mental breakdown. You did the only, right thing you should have done to protect yourself and your children.
Reading your words, you were already acting as an abused woman; I’m not sure if you see that. Making yourself and your needs smaller, letting your husband have complete control.
Abuse is abuse, no matter the cause. Anyone who disputes that you should have stayed, that there was an excuse, that you failed as a wife or mother, is wrong. It could have ended much more tragically than it did.
You listened to yourself, and you did the right thing.
If you haven’t yet, please seek counseling for yourself and your children. Get a restraining order, and keep your ex out of your lives.
Sending hugs, and hoping you’ll stop doubting yourself.
He says you're playing the victim, but you literally ARE the victim. The victim of traumatic physical and likely psychological and verbal abuse.
If you're "playing" the victim, you're a really dedicated method actor.
Please consider pressing charges. Strangulation ups your chances of being murdered by 5x. You are a good candidate to read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. You don't want to be around when he suffers another breakdown, murders you and/or your children and blames you for it.
The behaviour didn’t start that night, it escalated that night. You were married to an abusive person all the way along. Does he take responsibility for himself? Or is it your fault, or someone else’s, when he fucks up?
A healthy man who had a psychotic breakdown and did that to his wife would have responded like this- “I can’t believe that happened and I’m beyond devastated. I completely understand if you never want to see me again. I’d give anything to have never been that unwell and hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
What an abusive man says is “it’s not my fault. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s yours and if you leave me YOURE the abusive arsehole.”
You might need to block out your friends and family completely who don’t see the distinction and buy in to his bullshit.
Frankly fuck your ex husband and anyone saying you should have stayed there for him. You didn't exactly what you needed and should do by getting the kids and getting out.
I read the title and was like "NTA, why is this even a question" and then I read it and was like "NTA for leaving your husband, YTA to yourself for putting up with him as long as you did".
I am going to make this as clear as I can, mental health problems do not justify abuse. His mental health is his responsibility to manage, not yours. If he is refused to get help knowing something was wrong, that is his fault and you are not obligated to stay with someone who abused you because "Didn't mean it, I had a mental breakdown". It's a bullshit excuse because he doesn't want to be accountable for his actions.
Yes, if he had gotten help earlier, and taken it seriously, it might not have gotten that far, but the fact is he didn't, he spent your entire relationship emotionally abusing you until it escalated to this.Anyone telling you that you should have stayed is not your friend. Divorce and going no contact is the best decision for you and your kids, please do not second guess yourself any further. I hope you all are safe and get help to overcome this trauma.
NTA - not at all. He choked you. The *probability* not *possibility* of him killing you because he tried choking you is huge. Statistics are NOT in your favor to live if you stay with him.
You made the right call. Good luck and God bless you and your children.
Grabbing someone by the throat to block their airway is not called choking. It’s called strangulation and it’s attempted murder. If you go back to him, he probably won’t fail to kill you next time he has a mental breakdown.
Girl no. A lot of people have mental breakdowns and don’t hurt people. He hurt you, end of and he knew what he was doing by the sound of it with how you’re describing him and using mental health as an excuse. All those that are telling you otherwise are not your people and you should cut them out they’re not good for you. Your wedding vows didn’t include “for better or violence”
NTA. You made a very smart move leaving, as most likely at some point he would have killed you.
Those people who do not support you, and think you should have been a willing victim and continued to put your kids through trauma are not your friends. Dump them. Erase them from your social media feeds, your phone, everything. You don't owe them an explanation.
Your husband has a mental illness problem, which all abusers have. He's no different from any of them. Hire a good attorney, take out a restraining order, and move.
Your priority is safety for yourself and your children. No woman (or man) should put up with abuse, whether physical or emotional. Leaving someone who abuses you is not the same as someone who is sick with a condition like cancer and needs help and emotional support.
I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE people that say you “have to stay in an abusive relationship to prove you’re a loving partner”.
Once you’re dead those same people just go “opps. My bad.”
You had to leave, not only for yourself but for your kids. Witnessing abuse as a child has severe effects on kids, not to mention they could have been next. If you didn't leave what if he had killed you next time? Then your kids had to grow up with a dead mom and dad in jail.
Nope you dud the right thing and leave . I was in a toxic relationship for just under 22 years put up with the mental abuse and other crap .it wasn't until 6 months before we split he first hit me . As in lifted his hand . It took me 30 seconds to register he had hit me I told him that's the first and the last time he would ever do that and I would not let it happen again. He did try again and I would have done time if my oldest son was not at home . Unfortunately I still have the affects of the mental crap he did . If he is punching walls extra it will get worse.you and your kids deserve to be safe in your own home.
So two weeks after he attacked you they said he had a mental breakdown (very not believing he justified his behaviour because of mental health breakdown, knowing he had gone to far and then tried to make you feel bad)
Stay away thank you for putting your children first, you set your boundaries he has breached them, don’t feel bad and don’t go back.
You deserve kindness and respect and your children need to know that his behaviour is not acceptable, well done and good luck for a happy future YNA
The minute he blamed you for looking like you’re suffering while giving birth is when I would have started planning my divorce. The rest of it is just additional evidence he’s awful.
NTA the second he touched you like that he lost his right to call himself a husband or a father. File for divorce and full custody citing domestic violence. Get yourself and your kids as far away from him as possible.
There’s a huge percents jump in men who murder their partners after choking/strangling situations. So can’t remember the percentage right now but it’s high enough that you should absolutely without a doubt walk away from him. He’s far more likely to do it again and escalate that behavior now that he’s done it then to never do it again.
I didn't read all the comments so someone may have already mentioned this. When someone chokes you, the is an 8x increase in the potential that he will kill you. You absolutely did the right thing in leaving. It is not your responsibility to "fix" him or cater to his problems. Your responsibility is to yourself and the children you created.
I grew up in a house like this. My mother believed in 'staying together for the kids'.
If you stay in his reach, he will continue to escalate until someone dies. You, him, maybe even the kids. Whoever survives will carry the scars forever. Whatever's wrong with him is not your problem to fix.
The only way to protect you and your kids is to leave. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise DOES NOT CARE IF YOU OR YOUR KIDS LIVE OR DIE. Someone who tells you to support him or give him another chance? They are prioritizing his FEELINGS over your LIVES.
You've made the biggest, scariest, most important step. You just have to keep moving forward now. Can I ask, have you considered therapy? You might benefit from having a neutral third party help you to restore faith in your own reactions and help you tune out bad advice from these so-called 'friends' of yours.
I’ve been a psych RN for 36 years. What diagnosis are they saying shows up at 35 years old? I can’t think of any. His controlling behaviors that led up to this physical abuse show a pattern. Even with mental illness, if your safety and possibly your life is in danger you need to protect yourself and your kids. It would be different if he was depressed or had an anxiety disorder. Whatever he has is far too dangerous for you to be with him.
Your kids will grow up and learn the details of your relationship whether you want them to or not. Imagine looking your adult children in the eyes and justifying keeping them in the same house as someone who thinks mental breakdowns involve hurting the people around them. Those are going to be the only judgements that matter later. Let those relatives know the same thing. The kids will eventually find out who wanted them to grow up in a house with a violent man.
You should not be with him. He's dangerous and your children should not ever see you be beaten. Do not stick by him. Do right by your kids. Think about would you like your children to be treated this way.
NTA. If he can act like that towards you, who says that he won't turn on the kids, or that he hasn't already? And even if not, if you did stay, you're teaching your kids that if someone has a mental illness, it's OK to let them hurt you, and that you should tolerate it.
If a mental breakdown led to violence, it will not stop. Run. Get a protection order. He is a narcissist and gaslighting you. Please leave and seek help for yourself and the kids.
NTA.
* he told you you shouldn’t have yelled or cried when you were in labour because “that made him feel bad”. - you were in pain and he was being a jerk.
* he chocked you - absolutely you should have left him for that.
There are quite likely other things you didn’t mention that were abusive. You don’t deserve that. You should leave him for that alone. But it’s not just you, it’s your kids too. And if you won’t leave him for hurting you, leave him for the safety of your kids.
You didnt leave him because he had one mental breakdown. That was just the last straw after what sounds like years of abuse. Save yourself. Save the kids.
Block anyone who defends his behavior and you are WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS to protect you and your children. It doesn’t stop. It only gets worst. And I have had 2 abusive husbands over the course of about 18 years. I am happy alone and I feel like my children are safe. It starts small. They don’t see anything wrong with it. And then it just slowly gets worst. One of them choked me to the point of everything going black and I passed out and slowly became conscious when he realized he went to far and almost
Killed me. Before that, it just built up. Leave and never look back.
Do not go back to this man under any circumstances. Get yourself in therapy and get your kids in therapy.
The thing about in sickness and in health does not mean that you stay and let someone kill you. In addition, you have been trying to get him to care for his health. You cannot do it for him, nor can you force him to take care of his health… Mental or physical.
Your friends are delusional if they think it is your responsibility to stick around until he kills you or the kids. Delusional. Maybe they belong in the same place as him getting their mental health checked.
Your children are already traumatized. He has been abusing you for years, and I understand that for you, it was always about physical abuse. But you stop a moment and think about what your children have witnessed. Someone who is putting holes in the walls, etc., is also screaming and yelling. One just does not happen without the other.
Do not show them that you go back to your abuser. You can show them that you always will wish the best for their father even as you explain that he is not safe. And because he has refused for so long to address his mental health, even though you have tried to get him to do so, it is no longer safe to remain with him.
But forgot sake, get yourself some new friends who actually don’t somehow think that an abusers needs take precedence over your children. They’re not your friends. They’re idiots.
You done the right thing. Keep putting the physical AND emotional health of you and the kids first. That is the only thing that matters. Anyone who tells you different does NOT have your best interests at heart.
Nta His words are living in your head still. No normal person would call you the asshole, for leaving that. Theres literally statistics on men choking women and it leading too their death by his hands eventually. I don't recall what it is but it's high like really high.
You're alive cause you got out.
NTA you already knew your husband was controlling and mentally abusive. It was only a matter of time before this got physical. For the sake of yourself and your children, stay well away. There is zero chance this wont happen again and i. all likelihood escalate. The fact he won't take any responsibility is a further red flag. I fear he may try and come at you even if you are separated, so be very careful. ignore those idiots amongst friends and family.
Stop listening to the idiots. You didn’t react too fast. If anything, you stayed too long. Screaming and controlling and punching holes in the wall would have been enough for me to leave.
The minute he laid his hands on you your chances of dying by his hands increased dramatically. Also his clear narcissism makes him incredibly dangerous.
You did the right thing. Stay away from him and don’t let him near your kids without supervision.
The greatest indicator of impending death in a DV situation is chocking. Once the abuser starts choking you, your odds of dying increase by 750%. If your husband owns a firearm, those odds go up by 1,100%.
You do not chock someone that you want to live. You just don’t. Chocking is very dangerous, and victims of chocking can die even a week or two after the chocking incident from damage done to the blood vessels in the neck.
Please go see your doctor to get checked out and please, please, please do not ever go near this man again. He doesn’t care if you die OP. He just doesn’t.
It can take as little as 3 minutes for him to kill you by chocking. Even if he had a “mental breakdown” he is dangerous. Too dangerous for you and your children to be around.
A mental breakdown is the reason, but it’s not an excuse. There’s no excuse for what he did. Having a mental breakdown doesn’t make him exempt from the consequences of his actions.
Yes and if you be a good wife and be there for him until the next time he has a 'mental breakdown' and finishes the job and kills you, who will look after and love your 6 kids?
That's if he doesn't kill them too
The #1 way to know whether domestic violence will culminate with the murder of the abused spouse choking. Anyone saying you should return wants you dead. Crazy people are more likely to kill you than any other person. So, where do you think a crazy person who abuses his wife falls? Cut the people who said you should stay out of your life.
Mental breakdown or not, the minute someone lays hands on the other the relationship is done. You would not trust him anymore so why would you stay? And for him to do that in front of your kids, you stay and you are teaching them it’s ok.
NTA - keep you and your babies safe
You are making a lot of excuses for his behaviour yet he isn’t taking any responsibility and placing a lot of blame on you.
This is not your fault, you do not deserve to be treated this way and even shouting and punching holes in walls etc are all good reasons to leave. His behaviour is escalating.
It’s gone from controlling (which you make excuses for) to mental abuse (telling you not to show pain whilst in labour because of HIS feelings) then to aggression (shouting and punching holes in walls) and now to physical abuse of actually chocking you and dragging you. But apparently it’s still not his fault it’s your fault.
Leave before it escalates again to you being killed because of another mental snap. You don’t need to meet their criteria of good wife, instead you need to be a good mother and remove yourselves from the situation because he is saying he has no control anymore.
You need to take care of yourself and your children.
If he says something stupid like “I would never hurt our children” maybe point out that that means he didn’t intentionally hurt you then because he either had no control due to his mental health (therefore you are all in danger) or he does have control but is simply choosing to abuse you and hurt you.
Leave, don’t look back and ignore anyone telling you to be a “good wife” and stay, maybe punch them in the face and then tell them to be a good friend and stay with you whilst knowing you might punch them in the face again if they say something you don’t like lol
Your ex isn't sick he sound's like a narcissist! Well done for leaving him!!
>Like when I was having one of our kids, he told me I should have thought about him and not cried or gotten as loud or as upset like I did because it hurt him to see me that way
*TW I'M ABOUT TO SWEAR A BIT*
On what f**king planet was he living on making YOUR labour about him!
>They said these issues usually do develop around our age.
What was he diagnosed with? Because as someone who works in the mental health field, I think someone was messing with you!!
The holes in the wall are not normal. Him making your birth about him and his feelings - I'm sorry but any mentally healthy partner may be in discomfort but the main focus is healthy mom, healthy baby. Him choking you is an absolute valid deal breaker. I know you are a good mom, and you want to do best for your kids, but I promise you - you getting away was the best thing. Him choking you alone makes it 10x more likely that he would kill you down the line someday. Don't let that man take your life and take away the love and care you'd provide your kids.
If anyone is giving you shit or trying to make you feel guilty, they can wholeheartedly fuck right off.
I'm really sorry you had went through that. I'm wishing you a peaceful, safe and happy future ahead for you and your kids. You got this mama ❤
I have a mental health disorder myself and my mantra is: this is not my fault but it is my responsibility. Whatever mental health issue your ex has is not his fault but it was his responsibility to do something about it before things escalated. My dad had likely my same disorder and never did anything about it despite me begging him for years. That led to a lifetime of mental abuse that sometimes escalated into physical attacks and it ultimately cost him his life. Keep your kids away from him unless he gets himself sorted.
Absolutely NTA. Never doubt you did what was right by you and by your kids. Also by him, because now he will think twice before attaching a woman. You probably saved him from himself. Don't go back. For the love of your kids, don't ever look back
Ngl the things he did before getting physical makes me sick:
“Like when I was having one of our kids he told me I should have thought about him and not cried or gotten as loud or as upset like I did because it hurt him to see me that way and I should have thought about him at the time.”
Like I’m sorry wtf?! You were in the middle of labour and somehow you were an inconsiderate ah for not thinking of his little feelings while in excruciating pain?! Did that not give you a clue that he’s an inhuman narcissistic pig? He made it all about himself!
I just can’t fathom how you could be feeling an ounce of guilt for this monster. He was abusing you for years before it even went that far.
You’re a good person and you don’t deserve this! Keep repeating that to yourself until you can get out of the fog, block the enablers and establish a full understanding of healthy relationships.
Edit NTA for leaving that creature but YTA to yourself for thinking that you are. My hopes for healing and happiness go out to you and your children.
I have mental health struggles and after having Covid developed panic attacks. It was a beast trying to adjust my meds to cover the new issues. (Try staying calm when what is freaking you out is your toes touching. Toes gonna touch! Completely wacko thoughts.) All that to say while we were getting me stable again (yea!) my psych said that she had spoken to a dozen patients in the previous 2 weeks that had developed panic attacks, as had she. She said the reason it is going against established meds and causing new ones to be hard to dose is that we don’t know how the way our bodies use, metabolize, whatever, the meds and we may be years finding out. Whatever is happening in his brain or chemistry is not something you can fix. DO NOT. Put yourself in danger while he figures his shit out. A reason is not an excuse. Read that again. Even a valid reason does not excuse behavior.
Please don’t pick this up as a platform against something like vaccines, etc. I am vaxxed, believe wholeheartedly in vaccines, had a childhood illness due to not being able to take a vaccine and died as an infant. One of my big issues is not being able to breathe and I knew if I got sick enough even if I didn’t need to be intubated I’d have to be sedated and hospitalized. I made a choice for me, you do the same.
Sweetie, your husband is an abusive POS. Mental health problems don't cause people to be abusive. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
You're not playing the victim. You are a victim of domestic violence.
Choking is the number one indicator that you're at risk for being killed by your partner.
Please get a restraining order and file charges against him. Divorce him and get therapy. Get a lawyer because you're going to need help navigating divorce and custody issues with an abuser.
If he's in prison you'll be safer.
NTA
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll consider taking him back if you let me choke you until you nearly pass out, throw you down some stairs and punch you in the face a few times. Oh what! You’re not willing to let me do that? Well then why should I go back to him and have him abuse me if you’re not willing to accept that.?”
They’re not your friends. They care about him and his reputation. Not you.
Well done OP for getting yourself and your children out. Regardless of the cause, your ex husband's behaviour was abusive. Your so-called friends are enabling abuse and I would recommend removing them from your life. But OP, you got this. You've shown your kids that you will stand up for them and for yourself and that's a big thing. Proud of you x
No, when he told you that you should have considered his feelings when you were crying out while giving birth told you all you needed to know about him. The violence is unforgivable. You did the right thing
Of course you are doing the right thing, you cannot bring up your children witnessing and being subjects of abuse, you know this.
Best of everything for your future
A while ago I was in jury duty. The courts were telling us about domestic abuse (very common in my county apparently). When people come in to a police station to report it, there’s an entire evaluation they perform and it essentially gives a scale of whether or not your partner is going to kill you. Choking is always a sign they’re going to. It’s not the same as slapping or hitting (obviously those are bad), this person is literally cutting off your airway.
He is dangerous and a threat to the lives and health of you and the children. Guys like this make ashamed of my gender. There is NO reason to regret what you did. You did the right thing.
Having a mental breakdown is not an excuse for what he did to you. You are right to leave. If he is violent once, he can do it again, leaving your children with no parents.
You need to get new friends if they are shaming you for leaving your ex. He was abusive long before he actually put his hands on you, and if you handy left it would only be a matter of time before he started abusing your children too. Obviously NTA, you are allowed to keep yourself and your kids safe from harm, and that’s what you did.
You should BE THERE for him? Tell those abuse-enabling losers that it would be hard to “be there” for anyone, especially your kids, if he ends up killing you, which he almost did that night. Then block anyone from your life who thinks otherwise.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this. I cannot imagine how scary that must have been, and how you probably are feeling. I hope you and your kids are safe right now.
That being said, some tough love — truthfully how did you just write out multiple paragraphs describing him terrorizing you and your kids emotionally and physically and still seem unsure if leaving was the right conclusion?
Please stay strong and do not go back with him. I know you keep saying “I can’t let my kids see that again” and things in that same vein — girl what about YOU!? You do not deserve to be in that situation just as much as they don’t. The people encouraging you to stay or support him are deranged and you should remove them from your life as well.
I don’t have kids but I do have a husband and with or without the kids this is a HARD NO.
Also, fwiw you shouldn’t have to have a “if you physically hurt us I’m leaving” rule. That shouldn’t need to be a spoken rule.
I'm a man, if that matters. I'm also not a feminist, woke, or generally karma farming by just agreeing with whatever the majority say. So let me be clear.
As soon as he crossed the line into physical abuse, you needed to leave. Immediately. This WILL escalate, and he WILL kill you or batter you to near-death eventually. Choking is one of the most primal ways to attack someone, looking at them while they gasp for air. I would know, I'm a Judo blackbelt and I've choked people more times than I can count (in the sport, obviously). I can't imagine myself ever doing that outside the sport unless my life is in danger.
Get help, now OP.
You’ve displayed courage and are protecting your children. You’re doing what a mother should do ! Proud of you !
Anyone telling you you should stay with him isn’t your friend.
Can I ask why they separated your uterus and bladder? I ask, because when I had my first c-section 14 years ago, my bladder and uterus grew together because of scar tissue. During my 2nd c-section (and last...got a tubal), they discovered this. But the doctor only cut my uterus in a different spot than they normally would. They left them adhered together.
NTA on leaving your abusive husband. I'm so glad you left. Please don't go back. I'm not sure if you have young sons, but watching their father abuse you may make them abusive towards women.
In front of your kids.. Maybe you’re on the fence about his, “mental breakdown”. But the fact that he did this in front of your kids should tell you all that you need to know..
Get out now!
After he allowed his children to witness him applying horrific violence to their mom, why exactly are his rights so important? He lost those rts, then and there.
He should check with his judge in criminal court as to when he gets those rts back!
You did the right thing. You thought of your children and got them and yourself out of that home. Please don’t ever let anyone tell you that you did the wrong thing. Your children will thank you God bless you for doing that.
You can be there for him (from a distance) and still stay safe. Let him know that you hope he continues to get help and leave it at that.
He is incredibly dangerous and him not showing remorse is a huge flag. You did the right thing. People with mental breakdowns can still hurt and kill people. You need to be safe.
You’re not the asshole for leaving him then…but my ass would have left him when he said you should have thought about him and his fee fees during your labor!!!
That was my line in the sand as well. After 8 years of trying to get him healthy he snapped and hit me. We had been together 20 years, most was really good till the mental illness began. But you see he didn’t want to work on himself, only to drink to medicate. He destroyed our family. But I held on hoping he would get better. It didn’t. Then he hit me. I had him arrested and haven’t been under the same roof with him since that day. Yeah you could have spoke up earlier but that’s water under the bridge. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. You just stay strong for yourself and the kids. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say, they didn’t walk in your shoes!
NTA at all. Statistically, those who chokes very often will murder their partners at a later point.
Doesn't matter one bit that he had mental health issues, he refused to get help and is putting you and your kids in danger. Even if he never touches them, he's damaging them for life, seeing what he did to their mother.
Don't ever go back with him. Make sure there's paper trails, get a judge to give you full custody and a restraining order for him.
Then you can move and make sure he doesn't know the address
NTA. Hes already been being vile to you & it sounds like you've already made yourself small to try & keep this relationship going. It turning physical is no shock. Your children were already are getting a horrible message imprinted on their little brains about what's an acceptable way to be treated or to treat someone before this... but also you deserve so much better. He's progressing, like many do, & if you forgive it'll happen again. Be prepared for the 'im going to kill myself' manipulation. Dont let him male you doubt our own ability to make decisions & know what's best for you & your children. Also please tell the cretins telling you you need to be a better abuse victim to fk off.
NTA. You are so far from being the asshole that you'd need the Hubble telescope to see one...
Choking is a HUGE warning sign for further escalation of violence! Leave him for your sake and your kids sake. I have tried to unalive myself multiple times and been treated, so I do have some idea of mental issues. But guess what, a mental breakdown is an explanation, NOT AN EXCUSE! Also, those people who think you weren't there for him, well, what I get from this story is that you were dealing with very serious medical issues, and he should have been there for you, not trying to force you to be there for him.
He is a king of assholes!
NTA. Your first priority is your kids over your husband and you are responsible for getting them out of that environment and you did. Good job mom! Leaving a bad situation like that is tough. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t get you and your kids out of danger. Your ex is a grown man who can deal with his own issues because he is an adult. Your kids need you to keep them safe.
Covid and mental issues aside, dude should never ever have laid a finger on you. Dude should never have done what he did in front of his children. If he had said at any point before he attacked you that he was struggling I’m sure you would have supported him.
Your ex is making excuses for being a foul abusive pos!
Nta
Before an abuse hits you, they hit near you (wall next to your head or fists thru the wall, or throwing things).. Do not go back to him or it will get worse.. keep your kids and yourself safe.. you should have pressed charges against him, and if this was recent, you can still press charges and have him arrest for domestic violence.. either way get it on record.. zero bloody excuse for his behavior..
Your husband is a pos all throughout your marriage he said throughout child birth you should have thought of him???? I would have left him then!!! And now him people are blaming mental health? Tell them to go get dragged choked And knock down if they fill so bad for him and they not yor friends either
NTA. There is zero excuse for a man to treat his wife or children this way. He may have mental illness, but that doesn’t excuse his actions. Period. Your safety and your children’s safety is its own subject, separate and more important than his mental health.
I suffer from PTSD, and I do the work to manage it. If it starts getting control of me and I don’t notice, my wife tells me and I work harder to be in control. When I know I’m triggered or depressed or whatever, I tell her. If it’s age appropriate, I will tell my kids. We work together as a family to deal with it and heal, but it has never reached a point of physical violence.
If I ever crossed a line into abusing my family, that means I have lost control of it and it’s much worse than I thought. I hope my wife would leave me and take my kids, because if I lost it once, I’d lose it again and I never want them to have to live through that. They deserve better, so my choices are be better or be alone.
You made the right choice and never second guess that. He made his choice, he will be alone now.
Op , take it from me , married with whole abusive ex , left him , family pressure, gave him second chance & he almost unalived me with in few weeks . DONOT go back to him , listen to ur inner voice that is protecting you & your kids . It’s natural to feel guilty , but don’t let ur guilt ruin ur peace & ur life , ur kids will settle down & it’s better for them .
You are not wrong. You are smart and brave. Those kids are lucky to have a mommy like you and I’m sorry their dad is struggling with his mental health. This is sad for him, but i think it’s a good choice to not take any risks of it getting worse.
Don't try to downplay with words. He strangled you. And because of that there is a way higher chance that he may actually attempt to kill you.
I tried to downplay my situation by saying my exh "choked me". He strangled me. And then after the fact said he wished he would've killed me.
So no NTA for leaving a situation that could potentially end your life.
One of the "high risk" factors in domestic abuse is choking.
Choking your spose is not something which "develops" at a certain age.
Your husband is not the victim. You are. And you have done the best thing for you and your children by getting out before he does worse. There is a fine line between choking someone and fatality.
I hope he gets help for his domestic abuse issues. Stay safe.
NTA
You are NTA in any way. You wouldn’t even be asking if it was one of your children he did this too and not yourself. If you forgive him they could be next.
I grew up watching my mother go through this and it starts off with wall and doors, then you. It may not happen again for a while but it will happen again. My mother put up with it for my sake until I was old enough to say I didn’t want him around. I witnessed him trying to kill her because she tried to leave him. Trust me, if you don’t stay away it will have lasting effects on you and your children. When I was younger people around my mum had the same opinions as the people around you. After years of black eyes and hospital visits they had the nerve to ask why she never left sooner!
Having a mental illness does not mean you can’t take responsibility for your actions. If he truly cared about you and your children, he would be horrified at himself for what he put his family through. He would take full responsibility for his past and future actions, and commit to whatever therapy or medication is required to make his family safe. He will never get better unless he takes responsibility for himself. Enabling him actually hurts him because it makes it less likely he will get better. He may never get better. But the only chance he has is if he is forced to deal with the rightful consequences of his actions, like losing his wife and children because of his abuse.
Of course you do not need to be thinking of him. Your primary concern should be your and your children’s health and safety. But I have been in a bad marriage before, and I understand the reality that a wife can not just switch off her love in an instant. Letting an abuser abuse you is not loving him. It won’t make him happy anyway. Listen to your instincts and don’t sacrifice your children and yourself for nothing like that.
How are you supposed to help him if he’s choking you? It would never work, you would just get hurt or killed.
You did the right thing. Helping him was obviously never an option, and that’s his fault. Not yours. You did good by leaving.
This to me is a question that I just don’t imagine you needing to ask anyone much less a Reddit group for approval. Not only are you not an AH I’d consider you mentally defective if you didn’t leave.
As a divorced man, who was going through a hard time emotionally when my now ex-wife left (please note I never laid a hand on my ex, even now she means a great deal to me,, I was struggling with losing very important people in my life, overwork/pressure at work, and a waining libido from all this) anyway, enough about me...
NO, you are not the asshole here. You have every right to walk away from that relationship .
the only time it's even conceivably ok for a man to enter a physical altercation with a woman is if she is the aggressor and he is in danger from her(even then it's a slippery slope), otherwise there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Even if he is struggling with his mental health, abusing your S/O is never acceptable.
Should you still encourage him to seek treatment AND perspective on his actions, Abso-friggin-lutely, should you put yourself in a position to be victim to his outbursts again? Not Ever.
If he touched you once, he will do it again.
My ex husband hit me once and I forgave him. Kept forgiving him, to the point I almost died a few times bc he tried to end my life and threatened it multiple times. The only reason I got out is bc I decided to live separately from him and refused to live alone w him or with his brother (who told him to hit me and had a restraining order against him bc he abused his BM)
Living separately and a few other things led him to asking for a divorce.
The first time he touches you, should be the last and final time. In my experience, if they did it once they will do it again.
The minute he touched you like that he became the ex-husband. Anyone telling you to stand by him after that doesn't have your interests in mind.
Thank you. That is how I feel too. My mother and father grew up in abusive homes and they did their best to teach us this. I for some reason never thought of mental/emotional abuse as abuse. I had my family and my friend to help me through all this but when I was talking to a group of old friends a few of them said I was wrong to leave him when he now needed me so much as I said in sickness and in health. I started thinking about it when I got home and started to second guess my reaction. They agreed it was also wrong to take his kids from him. I overthink and have anxiety and have been starting to think I was wrong.
How does "in sickness" and "in health" include "in danger"? Going back is to say that everything the children witnessed is absolutely ok. WTF?!
The kids are exactly the reason for my leaving as them seeing everything and the help they needed after this broke my heart more then my ex did. I could not believe they ended up witnessing everything and I can't let it happen again.
💝 My heart goes out to you. As a child whose mother didn't leave, thank you for being so strong. 🩷
One day he might get angry enough when one of your babies are too loud. What if in a fit of rage he squeezes that tiny neck? You’ll never recover from it. Every time you are told to go back, picture that in your head. It will give courage to your mom-heart and spine.
Exactly, Friend. You cannot ever have them in a position to go through something like that. Nor yourself. He was already an abusive and controlling person. Him getting a clinical diagnosis does not change the facts. And those facts are that he is an extreme danger to you and your kids. There’s a chilling thing I’ve heard about choking behavior. That a person (usually man) who chokes their partner is significantly more likely to kill them at some point. So, you are NTA. Do not ever think of going back. But I’m worried for your safety. He’s going to hate the loss of control. Does he know where you are? Can you file a protective order? Do you have people close to you who are helping you? I’m really sorry for all you’ve been through. When I got to the story of your childbirth I was already like, this man is trash—WTF? But it of course got way worse. Be free.
You are correct. In fact, it's so predictable that some states in some countries will throw the book at men who strangle their partners, because it's essentially saying "I'm going to kill her eventually ". Non consensual Choking is a big deal and a sign to run
It’s so scary, but also just from a psychological perspective, interesting. I’ve wondered why strangulation is so often followed by murder. I guess that in itself, it’s a method of murder, but he just doesn’t go far enough that first time. It also is so sadistic. He is standing there, face-to-face with her, hands on her neck, looking in her terrified eyes. There’s so much rage in that act. And I’m sure he likes the feeling of power that her fear gives him. I really need to go look at puppies after just writing this.
https://preview.redd.it/cokr2vl0ipyc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4732baa825f4833ea3d6ae226fce0ed36b60981e Have my cute baby as well
I love your baby! I forgot that I wrote that last line and was confused for a moment. Thank you, your kitty is adorable ❤️
She's not a puppy, but she's cute
This ^ is the right call, and I commend you for being the Mama Bear that your kids need. Many, many, people, have mental health challenges and don't attack their spouses, he's using his issues as a deflection tool to try and minimize his horrific and dangerous behavior. I really, really, hope, you filed a police report, and a restraining order, if for no other reason than to protect yourself, and the kids, and to make it likelier that you get some custody with supervised visitation if you choose to allow it. He's clearly not safe to be around, and you can't afford to take the chance that he will turn on your kids to get back at you for leaving him. I've been where you are, and the only thing that kept my then toddler son and I safe from my ex was the charges I filed, and the restraining order. After he violated it a couple of times he was looking at major jail time if he continued, so he finally stopped stalking us everywhere we went, and quit trying to break into our new home. I know it's hard to think about putting someone you love behind bars, but holding him accountable will help keep your kids safer in the future, and position you in a better place during the divorce. Please stay safe. Sending lots of invisible hugs your way. Take care.
As someone who’s had a mental breakdown…. I wouldve NEVER laid my hands on someone, let alone my partner. He’s trying to gaslight and manipulate you, I promise this is the right thing to do for you and your kids safety
Agreed. The "mental breakdown, so I can do whatever I want" excuse is total bollocks. It is literally just an excuse.
People misuse the word gaslight a lot but THIS is EXACTLY what it means. He's trying to make you doubt reality. You know the truth. Hold onto that for dear life and don't let anyone make you forget it.
Once he chocked you, your chances of him murdering you went up by something like 750%. I’m being blunt, because whilst I’m not sure on the statistics, you are not the AH. You’re a hero who saved her own life. You need to know that.
Make sure you are documenting everything. Also did you go to the hospital after he abused you? Abusers will try to manipulate situations. Protect yourself and your kids. You may need to get a restraining order as well.
He choked you. That's a very strong red flag for danger to you and the kids in the future. He will escalate. It's inevitable. So you did the right thing to leave. And the right thing in taking the kids. They absolutely should not be anywhere near him for their safety.
Your family survived through the mental, emotional, and physical abuse. The manipulation that allowed it or the psychological damage it has done. Period! The problem is the aftermath of these abuses. The recovery from your abuse will be very different from the recovery of your children's. I say this bc your recovery will be for yourself and any future relationship that you may have. Your children's recovery is going to deal with harm he did to you what they witnessed, and then learning what is normal and, more importantly, how to not repeat this sort of abuse in the future. For your children, they will be terrified to have him back, and yes, upset with you that you took him back. They won't understand before anymore than now. Someone said in sick and health is NOT in abuse and danger. He can work in himself to become a better parent and partner to someone else in the future. If you take him back and forgive, he will see the answer to keep you from you leaving is to get some help bc now it's just a slip around your throat. You will be twice as afraid to leave bc the next time it will be worse. He will condition you this time. He will kill you if you live, and he may very do this. There is absolutely no coming back from this these types of abuses. You and your children need someone to stop the cycle. We either stop it or repeat it. Edit: typos
The kids witnessing that violence should not be the only reason you left. It sounds like you’re saying if the kids hadn’t witnessed it all, you would have stayed with him. Self preservation comes before wedding vows.
Do not teach your children that love chokes.
I hope you ditch these "friends." They are abuse enablers and they do not care about you or your kids.
I have blocked them after reading some of these comments. I am gonna get myself some help as I did let them get to me and I think I need to work through my issues as I need to learn to notice emotional abuse. I am someone who LOVES to be there for others and care for them. It is really what I feel I am made for. I hate not being there when people need me. I also need to realize that to teach my kids how to stand up for themselves I need to be someone who will do it for myself.
You’re doing great.
This sometimes can also be a trauma reflex too. The need to help, protect and help others. I believe it can be called a 'Saviour Complex' and with very empathic people, this can become quite a spiral. I'm so glad you've gotten yourself and the children away from your ex. You ARE a victim, your children also are victims. Don't listen to those that tell you to stay - they would also be the ones that would act so confused and shocked if anything else happened and he harmed the kids. People like that don't deserve access to you.
In my experience the people who enable abusers are abusers themselves. When they hear someone describing their trauma, they identify, get scared that people will leave them, and sympathize with the abuser. Some people want a license to treat others like shit.
You're doing fine. It was a huge step to leave. Wanting to be there for the people is a good thing but what your ex did is any single person's pay grade.
It's no bad thing to be there for others--in fact, some people even do it for a living! But not at the cost of your own self. You're important, too!
Contact a women’s’ shelter. Many of them have support groups that people can attend even if they are not residents at the shelter. It helps to have support and advice about what to do and how to stay safe when leaving an abusive relationship so you will stay safe. Abusers sometimes really lose their shit when they realize they are losing control over their victim and will escalate in order to terrorize the victim into being too afraid to leave. It’s not a safe situation for you or your children. Please don’t even consider going back to him, and stay safe.
He needs serious help for sure. But in sickness and in health doesn't justify you risking your life. Emotional abuse is harder to see than physical abuse. Unfortunately the scars are not visible to the people around you. You're doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. Focus on that for now. If your parents are supportive lean on them. A good support system can only help and you and kids deserve the best. As for your partner he needs to find his own support and not try to emotionally blackmail you back to him. He needs help from a trained professional. And the sad reality is unless he wants to change it's not going to help. Sorry for rambling but remember this - you weren't wrong to leave and you are not wrong to stay away or keep your kids from him. If is not out of the realm of possibilities for him do something to them. I have worked in ERs on and off for over 20 years - I have seen what partner violence is capable of. Safe ❤️
Dv statistics show the moment a partner chokes or strangles you the likelihood of you being killed by them becomes well pretty likely. People like things to be easy and not uncomfortable and the fact your husband assaulted you is scary. Please remember that your safety and your childrens is way more more important, than other people's thoughts on what you should have done.
Mu ex dragged me out the car window by my his, threw me against the wall with my 4 year old screaming don't hit my mommy. He tackled me in the middle of the street. I'm 5'4 110 lbs, he was 6'1 230. He broke I to the apartment after I threw him out. Blamed me for everything and said I should have done what he said and kept my mouth closed. STAY AWAY FROM HIM!! YOUR LIFE AND THE LIFE OF YOUR KIDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS FEELINGS.
In sickness and in health ended with hands around your throat. Your children saw that. Anyone telling you to go back better be willing to pay for the funerals when he kills you and your kids.
OP, I left my abusive ex when he was undergoing chemo. The amount of hate and disgust I got for that was wild. Ironically, the same people who were worried about the constant visible bruises and broken bones told me I should have waited until he was well to leave. It was the first time he was unable to physically drag me and our baby back, and I took that chance and ran with it. I have no regrets! My daughter has been able to grow up in a healthy and safe home, away from emotional and physical abuse. The same people who will look at you sideways for leaving would chatter about how you should have left immediately once it got worse. Or, he killed you or one of your kids. Screw those people OP! It's really easy to make moral judgments from the outside. Lucky them, they don't understand. You got yourself and your children out. It was the right choice!
"sickness and in health" my ass. The "sickness" is classified as being actually sick. Not being a sicko. He's a fucking psycho. I would have left him the minute put his hands on me.
These people are not your friends
Ask them if they’d let a maniac choke them and drag them around. Demand that they answer that question. They’re idiots and cowards and they need to stop giving shitty advice.
If he choke you, he will kill you. Facts, so good on you for getting out of there.
Also, you are not "playing" the victim - you ARE the victim! Nothing can excuse what he did to you, and in front of your kids, too. If you go back, you'd teach them that you stay with abusers, and won't make their safety your priority - they'd probably never forget or forgive that. Just make sure he gets no or only supervised visitation for the kids, if he even wants any.
He is the reason that it’s unsafe for him to be around the kids. Sickness and in health doesn’t mean physical abuse. They seem to care a lot more about him and what feelings he might have. They should be more concerned about your safety, your mental health after being assaulted, and your kids safety, and their mental health after witnessing their father brutalizing mom.
No true friend would EVER say such a thing.
Many people don’t equate anything other than physical attacks as abuse. I didn’t learn about other abuse until I left my own abuser. I, for one, am proud of you! Trust yourself, your gut is always right. Have you met with anyone, like a DV advocate to help with resources and/or information? I strongly recommend finding one if you can.
Violence is always a dealbreaker. Never second guess saving your lives by getting away from him.
No, your friends are stupid. Never stay in an abusive situation. That’s not covered in the wedding vows.
When an intimate partner chokes you, you have a SEVEN TIMES more likely chance to be murdered by him. Leave him and don’t look back.
Time to get new friends! Definitely, absolutely OP you’re NTA! Your friends however…
We set hard limits on physical abuse and that becomes the focus and we end up in a ‘if it’s not physical it doesn’t count’ mindset. You’re not alone in that. In sickness and in health goes both ways, taking care of yourself when you’re mentally ill isn’t something anyone can do for you. He was and/or is sick and should’ve gotten help for yours and the children’s sake even if he couldn’t do it for him. NTA.
That’s what living with someone abusive does to you. They make you start to believe you don’t know what’s best for yourself so that they can control you and make you question yourself instead of him.
Please check out Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available online as a free PDF.
The minute he put holes in the wall she should have been gone, but glad she left after the choking. Abusers who choke their partners are way more likely to kill them. studies show anywhere from 10x to 750x more likely to escalate to homicide.
Amen to that - I rewatched the Shanann Watts documentary last night. Chilling.
A man who chokes you is, statistically and factually, a man who will kill you. Never ever look back or your kids will grow up to have relationships just like this.
Run and never look back. If he did it once, he will do it again. Especially his reaction after the fact. You need to protect yourself and your children now.
700% more likely to kill you or your kids OP. He could end up being the next Chris Watt. Your babies are 100% more important. NTA
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline: “Strangulation is a significant predictor for future **lethal** violence. If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is **10 times higher**.” [emphasis mine] This man is a danger to you and your children. Please do not minimize the risk. You were right to enforce the boundary you set at the beginning of your marriage. NTA
I did not know this! I am glad I stood my ground! I am gonna have to make sure I do everything in my power to make sure my kids are never back in this situation and teach them how to treat their spouses when they are adults!
I’ve been learning a lot listening to Crime Analyst podcast with Laura Richards. She’s been working on dv and coercive control for over 20 years as a behavioural analyst. Highly recommend having a listen to understand how much abuse you’ve actually been through. It really opened my eyes to my own dad’s behaviour that ‘wasn’t really abuse coz he didn’t hit any of us’
I definitely will! Just put this on my podcast list.
I’m just so proud of you! Genuinely. & I know I’m a complete stranger but…just thought you should know! Remember, just keep putting one foot in front of the other until the weight gets easier to carry…& KNOW you’re a GOOD mom & are trying/willing to become your best self for all of you. That’s all something to be SUPER proud of! Rooting for you & your kiddos! ❤️ (I hope they were or are able to cope/process all of that SCARY with some help & heal to the best of their ability.) Also, fully agree with all of the above- I feel super sure that he would’ve never changed & only escalated if you hadn’t left…& only “ended” way tragically. He truly sounds super terrifying & unstable..& I hope you and your kiddos are safe & ALL of you are able to stay VERY far away from him forever, in all the ways. Bc if he’ll so easily do all that to you & right IN FRONT OF them, I’d bet he’d definitely do it TO them without flinching. Makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Wishing you & your kids nothing but GREAT things in life! 👏🏻❤️
You should be filing police reports and applying for an order of protection too. On top of protecting you and your kids, it’ll get everything on paper for the divorce proceedings.
Exactly. To put this in percentages it’s 68% chance of being killed according to a woman’s shelter website or 750% according to a Reddit post. Which ever statistic you look at is a lot!
Choking and strangulation in domestic violence situations is a very strong risk factor for future lethal violence. Please leave and find somewhere safe as quickly and safely as you humanly can
I have and divorce is final. Custody/visitation in place. This was posted tonight simply because I had a few friends, well I guess not friends telling me I should have stayed and helped my ex with his mental illness and I should not have broken up my family instead of being a good wife and helped my ex at this low point in his life.
Lose those “friends”. What absolute AHs
To be blunt, your “friends” are idiots. First, witnessing domestic violence is terrible for kids. Second (and most important) you stay he is likely to kill you and might decide to take out the kids as well. Third, you are not his emotional support animal. If he is serious about getting better, he needs to do it on his own. If he has you to use as his emotional punching bag, it won’t happen. Good luck! What you are doing is very brave.
Ignore the muttering of monsters. I'm glad you survived him.
Im glad you blocked them. Defending a man who violently harms his wife makes them pretty terrible people.
The people telling you that are likely abusers or being abused and justifying staying. They aren't friends though.
A good wife in that situation equals a deceased wife. Your friends are probably dealing with personal mental health issues and see some of their behavior in your ex. They are gaslighting you just like your ex tried to do. It is not your responsibility to fix your ex. You better know that if you ever reunite with him, he will kill you as payback for leaving him the last time. Horrible friends.
You were not playing the victim, you were the victim. Get far away from him
Mental health issues ARE NOT an excuse to beat your wife, full stop. If he chokes you once, he will kill you. The statics on this are staggering. You did the right thing. Anybody telling you differently can STFU or volunteer to get beaten instead.
I'm tired of abusers using mental illness as an excuse to be dangerous. Most people who are suffering from mental illness are only really dangerous to themselves. It sounds like OP's ex was a dangerous, selfish, misogynist that had a violent tantrum.
NTA. At all. Ever. He choked you. You could have died. You didn't have another choice.
Choking by an abuser is a serious sign of potential homicidal violence: [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/) Get out, stay out, report the abuse to police.
thank you for the link
You are very welcome. My first memory as a child was when I was two. I remember we (my brothers and I) were napping and were awakened by noise. My dad was on top of my mom on the sofa, beating her. I remember a bit later, dad was gone, and we kids, 3,2,1 years, were looking at a hole in the wall from where my dad shoved my mom’s head into it. You absolutely made the right choice. It doesn’t matter if your husband had a mental breakdown. You did the only, right thing you should have done to protect yourself and your children. Reading your words, you were already acting as an abused woman; I’m not sure if you see that. Making yourself and your needs smaller, letting your husband have complete control. Abuse is abuse, no matter the cause. Anyone who disputes that you should have stayed, that there was an excuse, that you failed as a wife or mother, is wrong. It could have ended much more tragically than it did. You listened to yourself, and you did the right thing. If you haven’t yet, please seek counseling for yourself and your children. Get a restraining order, and keep your ex out of your lives. Sending hugs, and hoping you’ll stop doubting yourself.
He says you're playing the victim, but you literally ARE the victim. The victim of traumatic physical and likely psychological and verbal abuse. If you're "playing" the victim, you're a really dedicated method actor.
Men who choke their SO are pretty much 400x more likely to kill said SO. You did the right thing.
Please consider pressing charges. Strangulation ups your chances of being murdered by 5x. You are a good candidate to read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That. You don't want to be around when he suffers another breakdown, murders you and/or your children and blames you for it.
I have wrote down the book. Thank you.
There's a free pdf available online if you do a search.
You really should read the book, it's completely free online and will help you immensely.
The behaviour didn’t start that night, it escalated that night. You were married to an abusive person all the way along. Does he take responsibility for himself? Or is it your fault, or someone else’s, when he fucks up? A healthy man who had a psychotic breakdown and did that to his wife would have responded like this- “I can’t believe that happened and I’m beyond devastated. I completely understand if you never want to see me again. I’d give anything to have never been that unwell and hurt you. I’m so sorry.” What an abusive man says is “it’s not my fault. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s yours and if you leave me YOURE the abusive arsehole.” You might need to block out your friends and family completely who don’t see the distinction and buy in to his bullshit.
NTA. He cannot be trusted to be around you or your kids.
Frankly fuck your ex husband and anyone saying you should have stayed there for him. You didn't exactly what you needed and should do by getting the kids and getting out.
I read the title and was like "NTA, why is this even a question" and then I read it and was like "NTA for leaving your husband, YTA to yourself for putting up with him as long as you did". I am going to make this as clear as I can, mental health problems do not justify abuse. His mental health is his responsibility to manage, not yours. If he is refused to get help knowing something was wrong, that is his fault and you are not obligated to stay with someone who abused you because "Didn't mean it, I had a mental breakdown". It's a bullshit excuse because he doesn't want to be accountable for his actions. Yes, if he had gotten help earlier, and taken it seriously, it might not have gotten that far, but the fact is he didn't, he spent your entire relationship emotionally abusing you until it escalated to this.Anyone telling you that you should have stayed is not your friend. Divorce and going no contact is the best decision for you and your kids, please do not second guess yourself any further. I hope you all are safe and get help to overcome this trauma.
NTA - not at all. He choked you. The *probability* not *possibility* of him killing you because he tried choking you is huge. Statistics are NOT in your favor to live if you stay with him. You made the right call. Good luck and God bless you and your children.
Grabbing someone by the throat to block their airway is not called choking. It’s called strangulation and it’s attempted murder. If you go back to him, he probably won’t fail to kill you next time he has a mental breakdown.
Girl no. A lot of people have mental breakdowns and don’t hurt people. He hurt you, end of and he knew what he was doing by the sound of it with how you’re describing him and using mental health as an excuse. All those that are telling you otherwise are not your people and you should cut them out they’re not good for you. Your wedding vows didn’t include “for better or violence”
NTA. You made a very smart move leaving, as most likely at some point he would have killed you. Those people who do not support you, and think you should have been a willing victim and continued to put your kids through trauma are not your friends. Dump them. Erase them from your social media feeds, your phone, everything. You don't owe them an explanation. Your husband has a mental illness problem, which all abusers have. He's no different from any of them. Hire a good attorney, take out a restraining order, and move.
Look up the stat - women who get choked by their husnads are *10 times* more likely to be killed by them. Get out and stay at a distance
No! You are one of the smartest women I know. RUN!!!
The men who ended up killing women always start with choking. It’s well-documented.
Your priority is safety for yourself and your children. No woman (or man) should put up with abuse, whether physical or emotional. Leaving someone who abuses you is not the same as someone who is sick with a condition like cancer and needs help and emotional support.
I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE people that say you “have to stay in an abusive relationship to prove you’re a loving partner”. Once you’re dead those same people just go “opps. My bad.”
Hey, good for you for leaving! You did nothing wrong, and he made it really easy for you to leave with custody of your children
You had to leave, not only for yourself but for your kids. Witnessing abuse as a child has severe effects on kids, not to mention they could have been next. If you didn't leave what if he had killed you next time? Then your kids had to grow up with a dead mom and dad in jail.
Nope you dud the right thing and leave . I was in a toxic relationship for just under 22 years put up with the mental abuse and other crap .it wasn't until 6 months before we split he first hit me . As in lifted his hand . It took me 30 seconds to register he had hit me I told him that's the first and the last time he would ever do that and I would not let it happen again. He did try again and I would have done time if my oldest son was not at home . Unfortunately I still have the affects of the mental crap he did . If he is punching walls extra it will get worse.you and your kids deserve to be safe in your own home.
So two weeks after he attacked you they said he had a mental breakdown (very not believing he justified his behaviour because of mental health breakdown, knowing he had gone to far and then tried to make you feel bad) Stay away thank you for putting your children first, you set your boundaries he has breached them, don’t feel bad and don’t go back. You deserve kindness and respect and your children need to know that his behaviour is not acceptable, well done and good luck for a happy future YNA
NTA, I didn't have to read anything other than that first line.
NTA. Get a fast custody, child support order. Ensure you get a legal separation and no contact/restraining order ASAP.
The minute he blamed you for looking like you’re suffering while giving birth is when I would have started planning my divorce. The rest of it is just additional evidence he’s awful.
NTA the second he touched you like that he lost his right to call himself a husband or a father. File for divorce and full custody citing domestic violence. Get yourself and your kids as far away from him as possible.
NTA. Him having a mental breakdown does not give him an excuse to harm you.
There’s a huge percents jump in men who murder their partners after choking/strangling situations. So can’t remember the percentage right now but it’s high enough that you should absolutely without a doubt walk away from him. He’s far more likely to do it again and escalate that behavior now that he’s done it then to never do it again.
Making you feel guilty and invalidated for being in pain WHILE giving birth was a red flag enough for me to have left him. NTA.
I didn't read all the comments so someone may have already mentioned this. When someone chokes you, the is an 8x increase in the potential that he will kill you. You absolutely did the right thing in leaving. It is not your responsibility to "fix" him or cater to his problems. Your responsibility is to yourself and the children you created.
NTA. He is a dangerous man. You are doing the right thing.
Nope, stay gone. Once a partner chokes you, it's only a matter of time before they murder you if you stay.
I grew up in a house like this. My mother believed in 'staying together for the kids'. If you stay in his reach, he will continue to escalate until someone dies. You, him, maybe even the kids. Whoever survives will carry the scars forever. Whatever's wrong with him is not your problem to fix. The only way to protect you and your kids is to leave. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise DOES NOT CARE IF YOU OR YOUR KIDS LIVE OR DIE. Someone who tells you to support him or give him another chance? They are prioritizing his FEELINGS over your LIVES. You've made the biggest, scariest, most important step. You just have to keep moving forward now. Can I ask, have you considered therapy? You might benefit from having a neutral third party help you to restore faith in your own reactions and help you tune out bad advice from these so-called 'friends' of yours.
I’ve been a psych RN for 36 years. What diagnosis are they saying shows up at 35 years old? I can’t think of any. His controlling behaviors that led up to this physical abuse show a pattern. Even with mental illness, if your safety and possibly your life is in danger you need to protect yourself and your kids. It would be different if he was depressed or had an anxiety disorder. Whatever he has is far too dangerous for you to be with him.
Your kids will grow up and learn the details of your relationship whether you want them to or not. Imagine looking your adult children in the eyes and justifying keeping them in the same house as someone who thinks mental breakdowns involve hurting the people around them. Those are going to be the only judgements that matter later. Let those relatives know the same thing. The kids will eventually find out who wanted them to grow up in a house with a violent man.
You should not be with him. He's dangerous and your children should not ever see you be beaten. Do not stick by him. Do right by your kids. Think about would you like your children to be treated this way.
NTA. If he can act like that towards you, who says that he won't turn on the kids, or that he hasn't already? And even if not, if you did stay, you're teaching your kids that if someone has a mental illness, it's OK to let them hurt you, and that you should tolerate it.
No matter whether mental health or not. Your safety and your children safety should come first. Nta.
If a mental breakdown led to violence, it will not stop. Run. Get a protection order. He is a narcissist and gaslighting you. Please leave and seek help for yourself and the kids.
NTA. * he told you you shouldn’t have yelled or cried when you were in labour because “that made him feel bad”. - you were in pain and he was being a jerk. * he chocked you - absolutely you should have left him for that. There are quite likely other things you didn’t mention that were abusive. You don’t deserve that. You should leave him for that alone. But it’s not just you, it’s your kids too. And if you won’t leave him for hurting you, leave him for the safety of your kids.
Should have run him over
You didnt leave him because he had one mental breakdown. That was just the last straw after what sounds like years of abuse. Save yourself. Save the kids.
Block anyone who defends his behavior and you are WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS to protect you and your children. It doesn’t stop. It only gets worst. And I have had 2 abusive husbands over the course of about 18 years. I am happy alone and I feel like my children are safe. It starts small. They don’t see anything wrong with it. And then it just slowly gets worst. One of them choked me to the point of everything going black and I passed out and slowly became conscious when he realized he went to far and almost Killed me. Before that, it just built up. Leave and never look back.
Press criminal charges for the assault. You need to protect yourself and your children.
Do not go back to this man under any circumstances. Get yourself in therapy and get your kids in therapy. The thing about in sickness and in health does not mean that you stay and let someone kill you. In addition, you have been trying to get him to care for his health. You cannot do it for him, nor can you force him to take care of his health… Mental or physical. Your friends are delusional if they think it is your responsibility to stick around until he kills you or the kids. Delusional. Maybe they belong in the same place as him getting their mental health checked. Your children are already traumatized. He has been abusing you for years, and I understand that for you, it was always about physical abuse. But you stop a moment and think about what your children have witnessed. Someone who is putting holes in the walls, etc., is also screaming and yelling. One just does not happen without the other. Do not show them that you go back to your abuser. You can show them that you always will wish the best for their father even as you explain that he is not safe. And because he has refused for so long to address his mental health, even though you have tried to get him to do so, it is no longer safe to remain with him. But forgot sake, get yourself some new friends who actually don’t somehow think that an abusers needs take precedence over your children. They’re not your friends. They’re idiots.
The guys who abuse and then love bomb are bad enough. This guy abuses and then gaslights. Imagine the future with him! NTA. Run.
You done the right thing. Keep putting the physical AND emotional health of you and the kids first. That is the only thing that matters. Anyone who tells you different does NOT have your best interests at heart.
Nta His words are living in your head still. No normal person would call you the asshole, for leaving that. Theres literally statistics on men choking women and it leading too their death by his hands eventually. I don't recall what it is but it's high like really high. You're alive cause you got out.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Screw his “breakdown.” Keep yourself and the kids safe.
You absolutely are nta
NTA you already knew your husband was controlling and mentally abusive. It was only a matter of time before this got physical. For the sake of yourself and your children, stay well away. There is zero chance this wont happen again and i. all likelihood escalate. The fact he won't take any responsibility is a further red flag. I fear he may try and come at you even if you are separated, so be very careful. ignore those idiots amongst friends and family.
Stop listening to the idiots. You didn’t react too fast. If anything, you stayed too long. Screaming and controlling and punching holes in the wall would have been enough for me to leave. The minute he laid his hands on you your chances of dying by his hands increased dramatically. Also his clear narcissism makes him incredibly dangerous. You did the right thing. Stay away from him and don’t let him near your kids without supervision.
The greatest indicator of impending death in a DV situation is chocking. Once the abuser starts choking you, your odds of dying increase by 750%. If your husband owns a firearm, those odds go up by 1,100%. You do not chock someone that you want to live. You just don’t. Chocking is very dangerous, and victims of chocking can die even a week or two after the chocking incident from damage done to the blood vessels in the neck. Please go see your doctor to get checked out and please, please, please do not ever go near this man again. He doesn’t care if you die OP. He just doesn’t. It can take as little as 3 minutes for him to kill you by chocking. Even if he had a “mental breakdown” he is dangerous. Too dangerous for you and your children to be around. A mental breakdown is the reason, but it’s not an excuse. There’s no excuse for what he did. Having a mental breakdown doesn’t make him exempt from the consequences of his actions.
Yes and if you be a good wife and be there for him until the next time he has a 'mental breakdown' and finishes the job and kills you, who will look after and love your 6 kids? That's if he doesn't kill them too
The #1 way to know whether domestic violence will culminate with the murder of the abused spouse choking. Anyone saying you should return wants you dead. Crazy people are more likely to kill you than any other person. So, where do you think a crazy person who abuses his wife falls? Cut the people who said you should stay out of your life.
Mental breakdown or not, the minute someone lays hands on the other the relationship is done. You would not trust him anymore so why would you stay? And for him to do that in front of your kids, you stay and you are teaching them it’s ok. NTA - keep you and your babies safe
You are making a lot of excuses for his behaviour yet he isn’t taking any responsibility and placing a lot of blame on you. This is not your fault, you do not deserve to be treated this way and even shouting and punching holes in walls etc are all good reasons to leave. His behaviour is escalating. It’s gone from controlling (which you make excuses for) to mental abuse (telling you not to show pain whilst in labour because of HIS feelings) then to aggression (shouting and punching holes in walls) and now to physical abuse of actually chocking you and dragging you. But apparently it’s still not his fault it’s your fault. Leave before it escalates again to you being killed because of another mental snap. You don’t need to meet their criteria of good wife, instead you need to be a good mother and remove yourselves from the situation because he is saying he has no control anymore. You need to take care of yourself and your children. If he says something stupid like “I would never hurt our children” maybe point out that that means he didn’t intentionally hurt you then because he either had no control due to his mental health (therefore you are all in danger) or he does have control but is simply choosing to abuse you and hurt you. Leave, don’t look back and ignore anyone telling you to be a “good wife” and stay, maybe punch them in the face and then tell them to be a good friend and stay with you whilst knowing you might punch them in the face again if they say something you don’t like lol
Your ex isn't sick he sound's like a narcissist! Well done for leaving him!! >Like when I was having one of our kids, he told me I should have thought about him and not cried or gotten as loud or as upset like I did because it hurt him to see me that way *TW I'M ABOUT TO SWEAR A BIT* On what f**king planet was he living on making YOUR labour about him! >They said these issues usually do develop around our age. What was he diagnosed with? Because as someone who works in the mental health field, I think someone was messing with you!!
The holes in the wall are not normal. Him making your birth about him and his feelings - I'm sorry but any mentally healthy partner may be in discomfort but the main focus is healthy mom, healthy baby. Him choking you is an absolute valid deal breaker. I know you are a good mom, and you want to do best for your kids, but I promise you - you getting away was the best thing. Him choking you alone makes it 10x more likely that he would kill you down the line someday. Don't let that man take your life and take away the love and care you'd provide your kids. If anyone is giving you shit or trying to make you feel guilty, they can wholeheartedly fuck right off. I'm really sorry you had went through that. I'm wishing you a peaceful, safe and happy future ahead for you and your kids. You got this mama ❤
NTA. You did the right thing, and you know that because he hasn't accepted responsibility and would probably do it again. Keep on being a good mom.
NYA and you should tell anyone that says different “let me do to you what he did to me and see how you feel”. You did exactly the right thing.
I have a mental health disorder myself and my mantra is: this is not my fault but it is my responsibility. Whatever mental health issue your ex has is not his fault but it was his responsibility to do something about it before things escalated. My dad had likely my same disorder and never did anything about it despite me begging him for years. That led to a lifetime of mental abuse that sometimes escalated into physical attacks and it ultimately cost him his life. Keep your kids away from him unless he gets himself sorted.
Absolutely NTA. Never doubt you did what was right by you and by your kids. Also by him, because now he will think twice before attaching a woman. You probably saved him from himself. Don't go back. For the love of your kids, don't ever look back
You were right to leave, what’s to say next time he kills you and your kids. Not worth the risk
Ngl the things he did before getting physical makes me sick: “Like when I was having one of our kids he told me I should have thought about him and not cried or gotten as loud or as upset like I did because it hurt him to see me that way and I should have thought about him at the time.” Like I’m sorry wtf?! You were in the middle of labour and somehow you were an inconsiderate ah for not thinking of his little feelings while in excruciating pain?! Did that not give you a clue that he’s an inhuman narcissistic pig? He made it all about himself! I just can’t fathom how you could be feeling an ounce of guilt for this monster. He was abusing you for years before it even went that far. You’re a good person and you don’t deserve this! Keep repeating that to yourself until you can get out of the fog, block the enablers and establish a full understanding of healthy relationships. Edit NTA for leaving that creature but YTA to yourself for thinking that you are. My hopes for healing and happiness go out to you and your children.
I have mental health struggles and after having Covid developed panic attacks. It was a beast trying to adjust my meds to cover the new issues. (Try staying calm when what is freaking you out is your toes touching. Toes gonna touch! Completely wacko thoughts.) All that to say while we were getting me stable again (yea!) my psych said that she had spoken to a dozen patients in the previous 2 weeks that had developed panic attacks, as had she. She said the reason it is going against established meds and causing new ones to be hard to dose is that we don’t know how the way our bodies use, metabolize, whatever, the meds and we may be years finding out. Whatever is happening in his brain or chemistry is not something you can fix. DO NOT. Put yourself in danger while he figures his shit out. A reason is not an excuse. Read that again. Even a valid reason does not excuse behavior. Please don’t pick this up as a platform against something like vaccines, etc. I am vaxxed, believe wholeheartedly in vaccines, had a childhood illness due to not being able to take a vaccine and died as an infant. One of my big issues is not being able to breathe and I knew if I got sick enough even if I didn’t need to be intubated I’d have to be sedated and hospitalized. I made a choice for me, you do the same.
Sweetie, your husband is an abusive POS. Mental health problems don't cause people to be abusive. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. You're not playing the victim. You are a victim of domestic violence. Choking is the number one indicator that you're at risk for being killed by your partner. Please get a restraining order and file charges against him. Divorce him and get therapy. Get a lawyer because you're going to need help navigating divorce and custody issues with an abuser. If he's in prison you'll be safer.
NTA “I’ll tell you what. I’ll consider taking him back if you let me choke you until you nearly pass out, throw you down some stairs and punch you in the face a few times. Oh what! You’re not willing to let me do that? Well then why should I go back to him and have him abuse me if you’re not willing to accept that.?” They’re not your friends. They care about him and his reputation. Not you.
Well done OP for getting yourself and your children out. Regardless of the cause, your ex husband's behaviour was abusive. Your so-called friends are enabling abuse and I would recommend removing them from your life. But OP, you got this. You've shown your kids that you will stand up for them and for yourself and that's a big thing. Proud of you x
You are certainly doing the right thing!! I hope he’s getting therapy !!
No, when he told you that you should have considered his feelings when you were crying out while giving birth told you all you needed to know about him. The violence is unforgivable. You did the right thing
Google some facts about domestic violence. Strangulation comes before abusers usually kill their spouse. Leave don’t ever look back
Of course you are doing the right thing, you cannot bring up your children witnessing and being subjects of abuse, you know this. Best of everything for your future
NTA He would have eventually killed you if you didn't leave.
He’s a very very dangerous man. Good for you for leaving. Tell anyone who questions you to get stuffed.
A while ago I was in jury duty. The courts were telling us about domestic abuse (very common in my county apparently). When people come in to a police station to report it, there’s an entire evaluation they perform and it essentially gives a scale of whether or not your partner is going to kill you. Choking is always a sign they’re going to. It’s not the same as slapping or hitting (obviously those are bad), this person is literally cutting off your airway.
NTA, choking is dangerous and a very serious sign you are in danger with that person.
He is dangerous and a threat to the lives and health of you and the children. Guys like this make ashamed of my gender. There is NO reason to regret what you did. You did the right thing.
No, you’re not the asshole. This would have escalated to something much worse.
NTA You were and are in danger. He needs professional help. You need to keep yourself and your children safe.
Having a mental breakdown is not an excuse for what he did to you. You are right to leave. If he is violent once, he can do it again, leaving your children with no parents.
Those ppl are not your friends. Your #1 job as a mom is to keep yourself and them safe.
You need to get new friends if they are shaming you for leaving your ex. He was abusive long before he actually put his hands on you, and if you handy left it would only be a matter of time before he started abusing your children too. Obviously NTA, you are allowed to keep yourself and your kids safe from harm, and that’s what you did.
You should BE THERE for him? Tell those abuse-enabling losers that it would be hard to “be there” for anyone, especially your kids, if he ends up killing you, which he almost did that night. Then block anyone from your life who thinks otherwise.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this. I cannot imagine how scary that must have been, and how you probably are feeling. I hope you and your kids are safe right now. That being said, some tough love — truthfully how did you just write out multiple paragraphs describing him terrorizing you and your kids emotionally and physically and still seem unsure if leaving was the right conclusion? Please stay strong and do not go back with him. I know you keep saying “I can’t let my kids see that again” and things in that same vein — girl what about YOU!? You do not deserve to be in that situation just as much as they don’t. The people encouraging you to stay or support him are deranged and you should remove them from your life as well. I don’t have kids but I do have a husband and with or without the kids this is a HARD NO. Also, fwiw you shouldn’t have to have a “if you physically hurt us I’m leaving” rule. That shouldn’t need to be a spoken rule.
I'm a man, if that matters. I'm also not a feminist, woke, or generally karma farming by just agreeing with whatever the majority say. So let me be clear. As soon as he crossed the line into physical abuse, you needed to leave. Immediately. This WILL escalate, and he WILL kill you or batter you to near-death eventually. Choking is one of the most primal ways to attack someone, looking at them while they gasp for air. I would know, I'm a Judo blackbelt and I've choked people more times than I can count (in the sport, obviously). I can't imagine myself ever doing that outside the sport unless my life is in danger. Get help, now OP.
You are making the right decision. There is no information or devil's advocate point of view that could change this. Get the hell away from that man.
You’ve displayed courage and are protecting your children. You’re doing what a mother should do ! Proud of you ! Anyone telling you you should stay with him isn’t your friend.
Can I ask why they separated your uterus and bladder? I ask, because when I had my first c-section 14 years ago, my bladder and uterus grew together because of scar tissue. During my 2nd c-section (and last...got a tubal), they discovered this. But the doctor only cut my uterus in a different spot than they normally would. They left them adhered together. NTA on leaving your abusive husband. I'm so glad you left. Please don't go back. I'm not sure if you have young sons, but watching their father abuse you may make them abusive towards women.
NTA. Please be safe and tell the flying monkeys to marry him instead.
In front of your kids.. Maybe you’re on the fence about his, “mental breakdown”. But the fact that he did this in front of your kids should tell you all that you need to know.. Get out now!
After he allowed his children to witness him applying horrific violence to their mom, why exactly are his rights so important? He lost those rts, then and there. He should check with his judge in criminal court as to when he gets those rts back!
You did the right thing. You thought of your children and got them and yourself out of that home. Please don’t ever let anyone tell you that you did the wrong thing. Your children will thank you God bless you for doing that.
You can be there for him (from a distance) and still stay safe. Let him know that you hope he continues to get help and leave it at that. He is incredibly dangerous and him not showing remorse is a huge flag. You did the right thing. People with mental breakdowns can still hurt and kill people. You need to be safe.
You’re not the asshole for leaving him then…but my ass would have left him when he said you should have thought about him and his fee fees during your labor!!!
That was my line in the sand as well. After 8 years of trying to get him healthy he snapped and hit me. We had been together 20 years, most was really good till the mental illness began. But you see he didn’t want to work on himself, only to drink to medicate. He destroyed our family. But I held on hoping he would get better. It didn’t. Then he hit me. I had him arrested and haven’t been under the same roof with him since that day. Yeah you could have spoke up earlier but that’s water under the bridge. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. You just stay strong for yourself and the kids. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say, they didn’t walk in your shoes!
NTA at all. Statistically, those who chokes very often will murder their partners at a later point. Doesn't matter one bit that he had mental health issues, he refused to get help and is putting you and your kids in danger. Even if he never touches them, he's damaging them for life, seeing what he did to their mother. Don't ever go back with him. Make sure there's paper trails, get a judge to give you full custody and a restraining order for him. Then you can move and make sure he doesn't know the address
NTA. Hes already been being vile to you & it sounds like you've already made yourself small to try & keep this relationship going. It turning physical is no shock. Your children were already are getting a horrible message imprinted on their little brains about what's an acceptable way to be treated or to treat someone before this... but also you deserve so much better. He's progressing, like many do, & if you forgive it'll happen again. Be prepared for the 'im going to kill myself' manipulation. Dont let him male you doubt our own ability to make decisions & know what's best for you & your children. Also please tell the cretins telling you you need to be a better abuse victim to fk off.
NTA. You are so far from being the asshole that you'd need the Hubble telescope to see one... Choking is a HUGE warning sign for further escalation of violence! Leave him for your sake and your kids sake. I have tried to unalive myself multiple times and been treated, so I do have some idea of mental issues. But guess what, a mental breakdown is an explanation, NOT AN EXCUSE! Also, those people who think you weren't there for him, well, what I get from this story is that you were dealing with very serious medical issues, and he should have been there for you, not trying to force you to be there for him. He is a king of assholes!
NTA. Your first priority is your kids over your husband and you are responsible for getting them out of that environment and you did. Good job mom! Leaving a bad situation like that is tough. Don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t get you and your kids out of danger. Your ex is a grown man who can deal with his own issues because he is an adult. Your kids need you to keep them safe.
Covid and mental issues aside, dude should never ever have laid a finger on you. Dude should never have done what he did in front of his children. If he had said at any point before he attacked you that he was struggling I’m sure you would have supported him. Your ex is making excuses for being a foul abusive pos! Nta
Before an abuse hits you, they hit near you (wall next to your head or fists thru the wall, or throwing things).. Do not go back to him or it will get worse.. keep your kids and yourself safe.. you should have pressed charges against him, and if this was recent, you can still press charges and have him arrest for domestic violence.. either way get it on record.. zero bloody excuse for his behavior..
Your husband is a pos all throughout your marriage he said throughout child birth you should have thought of him???? I would have left him then!!! And now him people are blaming mental health? Tell them to go get dragged choked And knock down if they fill so bad for him and they not yor friends either
if he’s willing to choke you, he’s willing to end your life- please leave him.
Mental health and mental breakdown issues do NOT equal a pass on abusive and dangerous behavior! Ever.
NTA. There is zero excuse for a man to treat his wife or children this way. He may have mental illness, but that doesn’t excuse his actions. Period. Your safety and your children’s safety is its own subject, separate and more important than his mental health. I suffer from PTSD, and I do the work to manage it. If it starts getting control of me and I don’t notice, my wife tells me and I work harder to be in control. When I know I’m triggered or depressed or whatever, I tell her. If it’s age appropriate, I will tell my kids. We work together as a family to deal with it and heal, but it has never reached a point of physical violence. If I ever crossed a line into abusing my family, that means I have lost control of it and it’s much worse than I thought. I hope my wife would leave me and take my kids, because if I lost it once, I’d lose it again and I never want them to have to live through that. They deserve better, so my choices are be better or be alone. You made the right choice and never second guess that. He made his choice, he will be alone now.
Op , take it from me , married with whole abusive ex , left him , family pressure, gave him second chance & he almost unalived me with in few weeks . DONOT go back to him , listen to ur inner voice that is protecting you & your kids . It’s natural to feel guilty , but don’t let ur guilt ruin ur peace & ur life , ur kids will settle down & it’s better for them .
NTA. Get out of there before it gets worse. It’s a slippery slope of excuses from he had a meltdown to the next time when he has a bad day…
You are not wrong. You are smart and brave. Those kids are lucky to have a mommy like you and I’m sorry their dad is struggling with his mental health. This is sad for him, but i think it’s a good choice to not take any risks of it getting worse.
Don't try to downplay with words. He strangled you. And because of that there is a way higher chance that he may actually attempt to kill you. I tried to downplay my situation by saying my exh "choked me". He strangled me. And then after the fact said he wished he would've killed me. So no NTA for leaving a situation that could potentially end your life.
Mental breakdown does NOT equal nor justify abuse!!!!! Mental breakdowns (when happening to safe individuals) involve no violence!!!!!
There had to be other red flags. But either way it only gets worse from here. It would be different if he took responsibility. But he has no interest
One of the "high risk" factors in domestic abuse is choking. Choking your spose is not something which "develops" at a certain age. Your husband is not the victim. You are. And you have done the best thing for you and your children by getting out before he does worse. There is a fine line between choking someone and fatality. I hope he gets help for his domestic abuse issues. Stay safe. NTA
You are NTA in any way. You wouldn’t even be asking if it was one of your children he did this too and not yourself. If you forgive him they could be next. I grew up watching my mother go through this and it starts off with wall and doors, then you. It may not happen again for a while but it will happen again. My mother put up with it for my sake until I was old enough to say I didn’t want him around. I witnessed him trying to kill her because she tried to leave him. Trust me, if you don’t stay away it will have lasting effects on you and your children. When I was younger people around my mum had the same opinions as the people around you. After years of black eyes and hospital visits they had the nerve to ask why she never left sooner!
Having a mental illness does not mean you can’t take responsibility for your actions. If he truly cared about you and your children, he would be horrified at himself for what he put his family through. He would take full responsibility for his past and future actions, and commit to whatever therapy or medication is required to make his family safe. He will never get better unless he takes responsibility for himself. Enabling him actually hurts him because it makes it less likely he will get better. He may never get better. But the only chance he has is if he is forced to deal with the rightful consequences of his actions, like losing his wife and children because of his abuse. Of course you do not need to be thinking of him. Your primary concern should be your and your children’s health and safety. But I have been in a bad marriage before, and I understand the reality that a wife can not just switch off her love in an instant. Letting an abuser abuse you is not loving him. It won’t make him happy anyway. Listen to your instincts and don’t sacrifice your children and yourself for nothing like that.
NTAH
Absolutely not. Why would you want to stay with someone who tried to kill you??!
How are you supposed to help him if he’s choking you? It would never work, you would just get hurt or killed. You did the right thing. Helping him was obviously never an option, and that’s his fault. Not yours. You did good by leaving.
This to me is a question that I just don’t imagine you needing to ask anyone much less a Reddit group for approval. Not only are you not an AH I’d consider you mentally defective if you didn’t leave.
As a divorced man, who was going through a hard time emotionally when my now ex-wife left (please note I never laid a hand on my ex, even now she means a great deal to me,, I was struggling with losing very important people in my life, overwork/pressure at work, and a waining libido from all this) anyway, enough about me... NO, you are not the asshole here. You have every right to walk away from that relationship . the only time it's even conceivably ok for a man to enter a physical altercation with a woman is if she is the aggressor and he is in danger from her(even then it's a slippery slope), otherwise there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Even if he is struggling with his mental health, abusing your S/O is never acceptable. Should you still encourage him to seek treatment AND perspective on his actions, Abso-friggin-lutely, should you put yourself in a position to be victim to his outbursts again? Not Ever.
If he touched you once, he will do it again. My ex husband hit me once and I forgave him. Kept forgiving him, to the point I almost died a few times bc he tried to end my life and threatened it multiple times. The only reason I got out is bc I decided to live separately from him and refused to live alone w him or with his brother (who told him to hit me and had a restraining order against him bc he abused his BM) Living separately and a few other things led him to asking for a divorce. The first time he touches you, should be the last and final time. In my experience, if they did it once they will do it again.