Based on how I dealt with my parents, and what I saw at my cousins wedding.....
" this is my wedding. I expect you to be civil and polite towards each other. You need not talk to each other, you can stand in separate corners of the room. I don't care. If you feel you cannot meet this standard, don't show."
I said something like this my parents long before I ever got married, but they got the message at the time, and there was no need for me to repeat myself.
As for my cousin.... His folks were bitching at each other in the middle of the rehearsal dinner. Loudly & publicly.
As for your wedding, you will have too many things going on, and more important things going on, than to worry about your parent's feelings. Yours come first.
If there is a relative or family friend they will all listen to who can ride herd on them, deputize that person to act on your behalf. Including tossing them out the door.
Edit
Missing word
I should point out that the message about being civil needs to be given to ALL the parents, not just one side of the other.
Could not agree more with what @lapsteelguitar said! This is YOUR wedding, your Dad and Stepmom sound like children. Be firm and if they cannot behave and be adults, then remove them. It’s on them!
I was agreeing until she responded her mother cheated on her dad and took her (OP) to another country. I feel he had a reason to be slightly bitter (not as bad as he is).
Tell your dad and his wife that you expect them to love you more than they hate your mother. Your mother will behave civilly toward them, and if they don't do the same, you will uninvite them. If they come and make a scene, they go on a timeout until they apologize, even if it means they don't get to meet any children you may have.
This is one of the most important days of your life. If they can't respect that, they don't get to share the experience with you.
Only a slight tweak to add that you will have people watching for anyone even starting to cause a scene.
If anyone starts getting argumentative they will be removed from the ceremony and/or the venue and not allowed back in.
The way someone I know handled this in a similar situation is that they told both sides exactly the same thing. Basically “I know there are issues between you & them, but this day is not about you, them or your relationship with one another. I expect you all to behave civilly and I don’t want to hear anything about it from either you or them. If you can’t do that, don’t come.” That gave her credibility with both sides and made her position very very clear. She was fully prepared to kick both sides out if necessary.
He has made it your problem over the years. Now is the time to hand it back to him and tell him, “If you can’t be as polite as you’d be when dealing with a complete stranger, then you do not belong at this wedding.
I’m guessing he continues to say things about your mother because you let him.. Deciding not to go off on him or leave when he starts up is giving him all the “permission” he needs to keep being a jerk.
If you had said to him 10 years ago, “I will not listen to your complaints about MY mother, I will be walking away from you. My mother deserved/s better. “I” deserve better. You are willing to hurt your daughter to spite a woman who moved on LONG ago”….then this wedding would not be a fighting ground.
Since that ship has sailed, look forward to how you want your first child to come into the world. Feuding grannies and step-grannies. Grandpa really hates that lady….
Now is the moment to end the behavior. He can get on board, or he can stay home that day, crying into his beer.
This is a perspective that I truly appreciate and I wish I was told this 10-12 years ago to younger me. HOWEVER I can still tell my dad this when I have a kid and it's growing up. I don't want him inflicting this on my child the way he did with me.
Say “Despite how awful you deem my Mother, she has yet to bother me with ridiculous drama, I should not be involved in. You’re adults. Get a hotel room, rent an AirBNB, chill in your car and change in the bathroom. I don’t care but figure it out. I have enough to worry about. You want to prove you are there for me, don’t bother me with this!”
I had the same talk with both of my parents before my wedding. It went a little like this:
"I want you both there but only if you can behave. This is my wedding day and if you don't care enough about me to control yourself then don't come. I don't want to hear any complaints or anything bad said about anybody. If either of you say anything bad about the other or make any kind of comments you will be told to leave. If your negative feelings towards each other mean more than your feelings for me then just don't come."
No matter what they say, it might be worthwhile to assign them a shadow/baby sitter. Someone in your family or among your friends who is willing to run interference for the day.
My parents split when I was younger and have sniped since
My dad has remarried twice
So I was planning for my mum, step mum, dad and his current wife at my wedding.
Unfortunately my step mum was poorly and couldn't make it.
They were all told that if anyone said anything rude or misbehaved I would kick them out regardless of what part of the day it is and how far they travelled. It is my day and I am not there to play peacekeeper.
My mum made a remark about not needing to move for photos and was told to get out of the picture or leave... She choose to get out of frame.
Then at the reception my mum started in on me again so was out in a taxi within 5 minutes and missed the first dance.
Hold firm on what you say, you only get this day once and you don't want it ruined by bad memories of fighting
If you are fortunate to have family like I do with my sister who will also keep people in line so you don't notice some of this happening on the day. That's even better. Make your wishes known and the right people will make sure that your day goes without a hitch
To be fair the fact anyone has an invite is a nicety. I would have eloped if it wasn't for my husband's sense of duty.
Have a wonderful day and great life together
I was mentally, emotionally, and financially abused by my ex husband. It still happens occasionally. I would love to never see him or think about him ever again. But I love my children, and he's their dad. I drove in a car with him the other morning for and end of school thing. I sit in the same row as he does for my kids' concerts. My children's happ8ness is more important than my very justified feel8ngs of uncomfortability around him. Your dad and his wife need to grow up.
I had to have a conversation with my mom about her constant negativity about my father. I finally said “you’ve been divorced longer than you were married and it’s been 25 years. That’s more than enough time to heal but if not the. get therapy. Either always, please stop.”
The best part of my wedding was my honey. Who was there and what was said is a blur. I remember staring into his eyes and being really happy. My dress weighed about 40lbs. I just wanted to take off and be alone with him.
Looking back, I only thought I wanted a wedding. What I really wanted was the marriage. Anyway.
Congratulations! Enjoy your person. Try not to think about your parents. It’s not our place to manage the emotions of other adults. Sounds like they didn’t get the memo on that one. If they come, what they wear, how they feel, how others treat them, those are all big kid chores for them to deal with. Not you.
Healthy parents would be making this day a piece of cake for you and crying tears of joy. If they can’t do that, don’t let it take from your muchness. Decide to have a great time no matter who pitches a fit. For folks like us, it’s the best we can do. Let them pout. Enjoy your day.
You're right to not be putting their feelings first , it's your wedding, so if you want them to be there before you then they should be, they should be there to support you bro , plus it's not your moms day it's YOURS so even if she did take control so what ? It's for you anyways
Time to tell them, be fricking adults for 1 day and shut up or don't come to your wedding.
They can ignore your mom for a day or stay home.
Don't let them stress you out. tell them, this is when you need to be there, and I will not be bother with your immature attitudes for my day. Hell, have fiancé tell them to stop making the wedding day about them, it's the 2 of you and deal with it.
My mom was nuts about my dad getting remarried when I was younger and said all sorts of crazy shit. My dad stayed pretty neutral. When I became an adult I realized, hey, I’m an adult. I can tell these other adults to stop acting like children or they cannot be around me at important moments in my life. They got the message. They were cordial to one another and that was that. If they weren’t they would not have been invited to weddings, birthday parties, events for their grandchildren, etc. get along or get out.
They were divorced 20 years ago and are still this petty. Tell the "adults" to grow the fuck up! Sit all 3 down in the same room and lay down the law! It will likely get heated but in the end they either act like the adults in this situation or they go away and never return.
Tell them that they can come and be gracious, like f’ing adults, or they can stay home. Those are the only two choices they have.
Then go about your wedding plans. Your father is acting like a spoiled child whose sibling once got a nicer present than he did, and he seems to have chosen the perfect partner for that. But NONE of that is your issue, and his behavior is an attempt to make it so.,
Dad stil wants her back / is angry about beeing left.
Stepmum hates your mum just because dumb dad stil talking about her all the time.
On top of that..we only attend to our kids wedding if we get our own changing room
😂😂😂😂 Freaking dellusional
Look OP in the end it’s yours (and your fiancés) decision on who’s there and who is not.
Personally I would tell your dad and step mom, “look this day is for me and my fiancé. Not my mother and not for either of you two. We want to celebrate our union amongst friends and family. If you two cannot be civil with the woman who gave birth to me for just a few hours on one day then so be it, don’t show up then. All I’m asking is for you to be civil. You don’t have to go near her nor converse with her. In fact I will be willing to tell her as such if you think it will help.”
Now I’m going to continue with the above on some presumptions you’ve probably already have had within planning, “look we have already arranged the seating for the reception so that you all don’t have to be near each other and if you are then not near each other for long. We are trying to accommodate you because you are family that we want to be there for us. But if you decide you can’t be civil just for this one day for me, then we don’t want you to come because like I’ve said it is for me and my fiancé not for you two or my mother”
I hope this helps OP. But then again I’ve been told I can be quite direct and blatant so maybe this won’t work for your parents but try to mediate if their attendance is important enough for you and try to redirect it so that it’s there decision about how they feel about you and how supportive of you they want to be when you and your fiancé tie the knot and not about it being about them and their relationship with your mother.
I can't be in the same room as my ex. I've already told my nearly grown kids, that when they get married, I won't be there, because I would never ask them to choose. I'll send a gift! I'll call and tell them I love them. But I won't be in the same room as the man who has abused me for the last 20 yrs.
She left him abruptly for another man to her home country . Didn't tell him - left and took me. He managed to "get me back" from her when she sent me back home for a "vacation". Obviously I don't agree with what she did or how she did. But I understand WHY she did it. I forgive her. I've sought therapy. My father has not done anything to better himself over the years but just say awful things about her and blamed her for deaths of her parents , her late partner who she left him for. He also blames his not so great quality of life on her because life was better financially before she left :/. It's a fucking migrane and load of bulkshit.
Based on how I dealt with my parents, and what I saw at my cousins wedding..... " this is my wedding. I expect you to be civil and polite towards each other. You need not talk to each other, you can stand in separate corners of the room. I don't care. If you feel you cannot meet this standard, don't show."
I said something like this my parents long before I ever got married, but they got the message at the time, and there was no need for me to repeat myself.
As for my cousin.... His folks were bitching at each other in the middle of the rehearsal dinner. Loudly & publicly.
As for your wedding, you will have too many things going on, and more important things going on, than to worry about your parent's feelings. Yours come first.
If there is a relative or family friend they will all listen to who can ride herd on them, deputize that person to act on your behalf. Including tossing them out the door.
Edit
Missing word
I should point out that the message about being civil needs to be given to ALL the parents, not just one side of the other.
Could not agree more with what @lapsteelguitar said! This is YOUR wedding, your Dad and Stepmom sound like children. Be firm and if they cannot behave and be adults, then remove them. It’s on them!
I was agreeing until she responded her mother cheated on her dad and took her (OP) to another country. I feel he had a reason to be slightly bitter (not as bad as he is).
The fact that one person is bitter over cheating is not the issue. The issue is their current or future behavior, not their past behavior.
Tell your dad and his wife that you expect them to love you more than they hate your mother. Your mother will behave civilly toward them, and if they don't do the same, you will uninvite them. If they come and make a scene, they go on a timeout until they apologize, even if it means they don't get to meet any children you may have. This is one of the most important days of your life. If they can't respect that, they don't get to share the experience with you.
I actually love this response. Like my dad says he doesn't "hate" Her but he harbours a 20 year grudge. So I should say this.
Only a slight tweak to add that you will have people watching for anyone even starting to cause a scene. If anyone starts getting argumentative they will be removed from the ceremony and/or the venue and not allowed back in.
The way someone I know handled this in a similar situation is that they told both sides exactly the same thing. Basically “I know there are issues between you & them, but this day is not about you, them or your relationship with one another. I expect you all to behave civilly and I don’t want to hear anything about it from either you or them. If you can’t do that, don’t come.” That gave her credibility with both sides and made her position very very clear. She was fully prepared to kick both sides out if necessary.
He can grow the fuck up. Get therapy. 20 years is a long time to let someone rent space in your head. Move on.
LOL trust me I know. I've told him. He flat out refuses. That's his problem tho
He has made it your problem over the years. Now is the time to hand it back to him and tell him, “If you can’t be as polite as you’d be when dealing with a complete stranger, then you do not belong at this wedding. I’m guessing he continues to say things about your mother because you let him.. Deciding not to go off on him or leave when he starts up is giving him all the “permission” he needs to keep being a jerk. If you had said to him 10 years ago, “I will not listen to your complaints about MY mother, I will be walking away from you. My mother deserved/s better. “I” deserve better. You are willing to hurt your daughter to spite a woman who moved on LONG ago”….then this wedding would not be a fighting ground. Since that ship has sailed, look forward to how you want your first child to come into the world. Feuding grannies and step-grannies. Grandpa really hates that lady…. Now is the moment to end the behavior. He can get on board, or he can stay home that day, crying into his beer.
This is a perspective that I truly appreciate and I wish I was told this 10-12 years ago to younger me. HOWEVER I can still tell my dad this when I have a kid and it's growing up. I don't want him inflicting this on my child the way he did with me.
She cheated on him and took OP out of the country to be with the AP. He 100% needs therapy but the bitterness makes sense.
Say “Despite how awful you deem my Mother, she has yet to bother me with ridiculous drama, I should not be involved in. You’re adults. Get a hotel room, rent an AirBNB, chill in your car and change in the bathroom. I don’t care but figure it out. I have enough to worry about. You want to prove you are there for me, don’t bother me with this!”
They can't afford any sort of hotel room As they are super broke and have a dog at home to take care of :/
They can afford a public bathroom. I did that for my Cousin’s wedding. It’s not the end of the world
I had the same talk with both of my parents before my wedding. It went a little like this: "I want you both there but only if you can behave. This is my wedding day and if you don't care enough about me to control yourself then don't come. I don't want to hear any complaints or anything bad said about anybody. If either of you say anything bad about the other or make any kind of comments you will be told to leave. If your negative feelings towards each other mean more than your feelings for me then just don't come."
No matter what they say, it might be worthwhile to assign them a shadow/baby sitter. Someone in your family or among your friends who is willing to run interference for the day.
Yeah my MOH and her mom are going to be watching mainly My dad. When I told him he was PISSED 😂
My parents split when I was younger and have sniped since My dad has remarried twice So I was planning for my mum, step mum, dad and his current wife at my wedding. Unfortunately my step mum was poorly and couldn't make it. They were all told that if anyone said anything rude or misbehaved I would kick them out regardless of what part of the day it is and how far they travelled. It is my day and I am not there to play peacekeeper. My mum made a remark about not needing to move for photos and was told to get out of the picture or leave... She choose to get out of frame. Then at the reception my mum started in on me again so was out in a taxi within 5 minutes and missed the first dance. Hold firm on what you say, you only get this day once and you don't want it ruined by bad memories of fighting If you are fortunate to have family like I do with my sister who will also keep people in line so you don't notice some of this happening on the day. That's even better. Make your wishes known and the right people will make sure that your day goes without a hitch To be fair the fact anyone has an invite is a nicety. I would have eloped if it wasn't for my husband's sense of duty. Have a wonderful day and great life together
I was mentally, emotionally, and financially abused by my ex husband. It still happens occasionally. I would love to never see him or think about him ever again. But I love my children, and he's their dad. I drove in a car with him the other morning for and end of school thing. I sit in the same row as he does for my kids' concerts. My children's happ8ness is more important than my very justified feel8ngs of uncomfortability around him. Your dad and his wife need to grow up.
I had to have a conversation with my mom about her constant negativity about my father. I finally said “you’ve been divorced longer than you were married and it’s been 25 years. That’s more than enough time to heal but if not the. get therapy. Either always, please stop.”
The best part of my wedding was my honey. Who was there and what was said is a blur. I remember staring into his eyes and being really happy. My dress weighed about 40lbs. I just wanted to take off and be alone with him. Looking back, I only thought I wanted a wedding. What I really wanted was the marriage. Anyway. Congratulations! Enjoy your person. Try not to think about your parents. It’s not our place to manage the emotions of other adults. Sounds like they didn’t get the memo on that one. If they come, what they wear, how they feel, how others treat them, those are all big kid chores for them to deal with. Not you. Healthy parents would be making this day a piece of cake for you and crying tears of joy. If they can’t do that, don’t let it take from your muchness. Decide to have a great time no matter who pitches a fit. For folks like us, it’s the best we can do. Let them pout. Enjoy your day.
You're right to not be putting their feelings first , it's your wedding, so if you want them to be there before you then they should be, they should be there to support you bro , plus it's not your moms day it's YOURS so even if she did take control so what ? It's for you anyways
Time to tell them, be fricking adults for 1 day and shut up or don't come to your wedding. They can ignore your mom for a day or stay home. Don't let them stress you out. tell them, this is when you need to be there, and I will not be bother with your immature attitudes for my day. Hell, have fiancé tell them to stop making the wedding day about them, it's the 2 of you and deal with it.
You are truly being too nice. This is your day with your fiancé. They need to put a sock in it and sort themselves.
My mom was nuts about my dad getting remarried when I was younger and said all sorts of crazy shit. My dad stayed pretty neutral. When I became an adult I realized, hey, I’m an adult. I can tell these other adults to stop acting like children or they cannot be around me at important moments in my life. They got the message. They were cordial to one another and that was that. If they weren’t they would not have been invited to weddings, birthday parties, events for their grandchildren, etc. get along or get out.
They were divorced 20 years ago and are still this petty. Tell the "adults" to grow the fuck up! Sit all 3 down in the same room and lay down the law! It will likely get heated but in the end they either act like the adults in this situation or they go away and never return.
Tell them that they can come and be gracious, like f’ing adults, or they can stay home. Those are the only two choices they have. Then go about your wedding plans. Your father is acting like a spoiled child whose sibling once got a nicer present than he did, and he seems to have chosen the perfect partner for that. But NONE of that is your issue, and his behavior is an attempt to make it so.,
Dad stil wants her back / is angry about beeing left. Stepmum hates your mum just because dumb dad stil talking about her all the time. On top of that..we only attend to our kids wedding if we get our own changing room 😂😂😂😂 Freaking dellusional
Look OP in the end it’s yours (and your fiancés) decision on who’s there and who is not. Personally I would tell your dad and step mom, “look this day is for me and my fiancé. Not my mother and not for either of you two. We want to celebrate our union amongst friends and family. If you two cannot be civil with the woman who gave birth to me for just a few hours on one day then so be it, don’t show up then. All I’m asking is for you to be civil. You don’t have to go near her nor converse with her. In fact I will be willing to tell her as such if you think it will help.” Now I’m going to continue with the above on some presumptions you’ve probably already have had within planning, “look we have already arranged the seating for the reception so that you all don’t have to be near each other and if you are then not near each other for long. We are trying to accommodate you because you are family that we want to be there for us. But if you decide you can’t be civil just for this one day for me, then we don’t want you to come because like I’ve said it is for me and my fiancé not for you two or my mother” I hope this helps OP. But then again I’ve been told I can be quite direct and blatant so maybe this won’t work for your parents but try to mediate if their attendance is important enough for you and try to redirect it so that it’s there decision about how they feel about you and how supportive of you they want to be when you and your fiancé tie the knot and not about it being about them and their relationship with your mother.
I can't be in the same room as my ex. I've already told my nearly grown kids, that when they get married, I won't be there, because I would never ask them to choose. I'll send a gift! I'll call and tell them I love them. But I won't be in the same room as the man who has abused me for the last 20 yrs.
You don't have to tell me but I also need to know why your parents split.
I’m feel this is important. Did mom cheat? Did she steal something? Is the grudge for no reason?
She left him abruptly for another man to her home country . Didn't tell him - left and took me. He managed to "get me back" from her when she sent me back home for a "vacation". Obviously I don't agree with what she did or how she did. But I understand WHY she did it. I forgive her. I've sought therapy. My father has not done anything to better himself over the years but just say awful things about her and blamed her for deaths of her parents , her late partner who she left him for. He also blames his not so great quality of life on her because life was better financially before she left :/. It's a fucking migrane and load of bulkshit.