Hell I find it difficult to start *fun* stuff, like playing through a singleplayer story game or watching a series or reading a book, I just look over the options for a day or two doing nothing while having mental pain from anxiety(?) and then just go back to one of the strategy games or multiplayer shooters 💀
Not that I dislike those latter games, I love them and they can almost be like a comfort routine, but some of those unplayed games were gifts and some have been sitting since 2019 and they're all things I logically know I'll have fun with, but the brain just stops.
Sorry for rant.
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cmon do it, do it do it do it over and over, they just don't get the memo do they, also weird how even straight up explaining that getting those daily reminders is not helping at all, and everything else they are trying to do is just making shit worse they just try to do more? are they trying to make it worse on purpose or what 💀
until I'm trying to form and maintain relationships. I'm just the parlor trick friend, the one with funny quips and bookish knowledge, but anything more than that is too much work and not worth the effort.
It does feel a bit like being a zoo animal. Everyone is quick to tell me all about how I’m such a great candidate for a relationship, how I care for others even when they don’t see the big picture (my autistic ass sees the obvious logical answer, not the emotional and shortsighted one) how I remember everything (it’s not critically important so I will remember it) and how I look to help where I can (so I don’t feel like a bump on a log) and how I’m funny with human quirkiness.
It’s usually those quirks that are my downfall. Well that and my blunt honesty.
My ex was diagnosed bipolar as well as anxiety and depression and was very likely AuDHD as well but hadn’t gotten tested for it.
My quirks, my ability to read her (because she was open with me) my ability to understand her, and my ability to dissect her feelings (I studied psychology as a special interest.) were huge factors in her falling for me. My quirks when the fun wore off were no longer fun. My ability to read her (read: know when she was lying to my face) was thrown in my face. My ability to understand her (read: identify that she victimized herself often for sympathy) was thrown in my face. My ability to dissect her (read: point out her steps backward in her healing and therapy process that were made with full understanding and intent) became a problem. I had to physically keep her from doing things I shouldn’t have had to stop her from doing and should have called EMTs about. My kind heart listened when she begged me not to.
Then she violated my trust in the one way she swore she never would. She’s dead to me and she had the audacity to try to come crawling back recently. Good riddance.
you deeply offend your loved ones by not picking up on their subtle emotional signals & especially by saying things which you mean no harm by but that are apparently super hurtful.
You're agitated and everything, literally everything, pisses you off. Everything is too loud, touch feels like electroshock, and you're so bitchy you piss yourself off
the words were “He’s obtuse in conversation and it always unnerves people, he doesn’t… flow right.” so I’m gonna aim to be acute in conversation next time
It’s disabling.
I love autistic joy. I love how my autistic self is. I wouldn’t change me… but god. Being autistic is disabling. Burnout is hell. I struggle to do most things. And it fucking sucks sometimes.
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You have to explain yourself 47 times in 277 different ways before someone goes “Oh! I get it.” but they’re probably just being polite or they’re bored of listening.
You’re trying to explain why you can’t talk during a verbal shutdown, but you can’t talk to quickly explain it, and you’re too overstimulated to think logically, so you just sit there and say nothing. Often includes crying, in my case.
something changes a bit and its ruined. I once made a curry but i didnt have any turmeric in and that meant i couldnt eat it, my mum was fine with it though
getting exhausted from trying to do life properly, like working, eating, sleeping, appearing NT... and just generally being tuckered out from shit that doesnt tire NT people, like when i went to a large jungle area as im in central america visiting husbands family, and we went to the jungle to look at the nature, but after an hour of all the intense heat, humidity, noises from wildlife, colors and smells, i passed out for the rest of the day and night, not even waking up to eat or pee.
you realize you haven’t been authentically yourself in ages because life demands so much of you that it’s impossible to just BE.
Alternatively… being autistic is fun until you realize we live in a society
You look at the clock and it's 4am and you've just watched 10 episodes of the UK panel show QI, and you haven't eaten in about 8 hours. If that sounds weirdly specific, it's because that was me last night/this morning, and also a few times a week, though with varying shows. Usually either UK panel shows, Dropout, or interesting fact based Youtube channels.
I feel like I'm a fucking ghost in social situations because not only is it so loud and cramped which my sensory issues can't take but also my struggles in making meaningful connections
I decide to make a tiny change to my routine, which I then believe causes something unexpected to happen - causing me to panic and shut down (I decided to brush my hair before brushing my teeth and I wholeheartedly believe that that is why someone nearly hit me with their car)
You do something and now you have to wait for an important news , so you turn into a dysfunctional mush who can't focus on anything, can't follow your daily tasks because they require so much attention and commitment (like learning programing) and the only thing you can do is consuming dopamine...
You realize you forgot to shower, eat, pee, or sleep because you couldn't stop meticulously organizing your music playlists and it's been hours and it's 3 am
You're a late discovered and diagnosed AuDHD type autistic, who's also late discovered non-binary and demisexual pan and a DID system who's parents were so negligent and manipulative ECT. And that because nobody paid enough attention to see how very obviously I was struggling, I never got any help and couldn't even graduate with my peers from my class, and not a single teacher thought to see if I needed to be evaluated for *literally anything-*
So here you how are heavily disabled from PoTS, fibromyalgia, hEDS (which again nobody also bothered to realize how much I struggled from this one my whole life, especially in marching band-), probably MCAS, but especially MDD cPTSD and DID. And now you're 21, living with your also late discovered and diagnosed AuDHD but cishet partner who's family caused him intense cPTSD as well but he didn't get the dissociation as bad, and now we have no choice but to live with the ones who raised him because I got away from my mom at 16 and reconnected with my dad for the few years before moving where I am now, but my dad turned out to be a more clever manipulative bigot who supports trump but hates Christians and Christianity?
So I wasn't able to stay there-
And now we're here...
Yea autism doesn't end up so fun for a good chunk of us. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. Why does society and especially our families have to cause us so much more harm when different?
Literally a splice of each kind of queer, AFAB, AuDHD, plural/multiple cause DID, and highly but invisibly chronically ill. it's like I collected all the Pokemon, but I'm this case Pokemon are diagnoses to help advocate for myself officially for once.
Sorry if I brought down the mood of the post btw /gen
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You find yourself feeling rather murderous because a fucking toddler is screaming their ass off and the parents don't do shite.
Your phaçade crumbles and all you wanna do is stim, or crawl under a blanket and not exist for the world.
you realise that what you were soaking up your whole life has nothing to do with who you actually are and you hate yourself for it.
You become aware of your existence as a living creature that must eat, sleep, and otherwise take care of itself instead of hyper focusing.
✨*EXISTENTIAL DREAD*✨
https://preview.redd.it/yblrpz15ki0d1.jpeg?width=2878&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5e1d2cd5f43730a7298fcc07f025704683954245
you're physically tired from all the masking
I feel this very deeply
...you touch cheap porcelain.
unglazed pottery aaaaaa
😖😖😖
Wait does expensive porcelain have a different feel?
It's usually been finished with a glaze. The stuff in the craft section at dollar tree is like touching tv static.
Oof dude... that's perfect comparison Omg i can feel it rn WHAT DID YOU DO
your executive dysfunction and PDA combine to make it impossible to start important stuff, and even more impossible if people start reminding you.
Hell I find it difficult to start *fun* stuff, like playing through a singleplayer story game or watching a series or reading a book, I just look over the options for a day or two doing nothing while having mental pain from anxiety(?) and then just go back to one of the strategy games or multiplayer shooters 💀 Not that I dislike those latter games, I love them and they can almost be like a comfort routine, but some of those unplayed games were gifts and some have been sitting since 2019 and they're all things I logically know I'll have fun with, but the brain just stops. Sorry for rant.
This! I do this! WHY!? Is it the PDA?
I was thinking executive dysfunction... Not too well versed in all these thinges.
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cmon do it, do it do it do it over and over, they just don't get the memo do they, also weird how even straight up explaining that getting those daily reminders is not helping at all, and everything else they are trying to do is just making shit worse they just try to do more? are they trying to make it worse on purpose or what 💀
I read that as personal displays of affection and realized what you meant and can relate to both meanings.
I'm autistic and have PDA but also have ADHD and need external accountability. Sprinkle in some RSD and you have the disaster that is me 👍🏻
until I'm trying to form and maintain relationships. I'm just the parlor trick friend, the one with funny quips and bookish knowledge, but anything more than that is too much work and not worth the effort.
I almost put something like this too and you did a great job putting it into words and I am sorry you have to deal with this too
It sucks. Feel free to DM me if you ever wanna chat.
I am shy sometimes but same to you and i always try to respond quickly because I get anxious if I don't lmaoo
It does feel a bit like being a zoo animal. Everyone is quick to tell me all about how I’m such a great candidate for a relationship, how I care for others even when they don’t see the big picture (my autistic ass sees the obvious logical answer, not the emotional and shortsighted one) how I remember everything (it’s not critically important so I will remember it) and how I look to help where I can (so I don’t feel like a bump on a log) and how I’m funny with human quirkiness. It’s usually those quirks that are my downfall. Well that and my blunt honesty.
YEP. What they initially love becomes what they hate about you once the novelty wears off. ESPECIALLY if you turn that insight/honesty on them.
My ex was diagnosed bipolar as well as anxiety and depression and was very likely AuDHD as well but hadn’t gotten tested for it. My quirks, my ability to read her (because she was open with me) my ability to understand her, and my ability to dissect her feelings (I studied psychology as a special interest.) were huge factors in her falling for me. My quirks when the fun wore off were no longer fun. My ability to read her (read: know when she was lying to my face) was thrown in my face. My ability to understand her (read: identify that she victimized herself often for sympathy) was thrown in my face. My ability to dissect her (read: point out her steps backward in her healing and therapy process that were made with full understanding and intent) became a problem. I had to physically keep her from doing things I shouldn’t have had to stop her from doing and should have called EMTs about. My kind heart listened when she begged me not to. Then she violated my trust in the one way she swore she never would. She’s dead to me and she had the audacity to try to come crawling back recently. Good riddance.
My mother in law won't tell me what exactly she wants or why she wants it, but demands I give her the information now or I'm 'in a bad mood again'
you deeply offend your loved ones by not picking up on their subtle emotional signals & especially by saying things which you mean no harm by but that are apparently super hurtful.
Oof, this one
You're agitated and everything, literally everything, pisses you off. Everything is too loud, touch feels like electroshock, and you're so bitchy you piss yourself off
Temperature
The lights are too loud
real ☹️
The neurotypicals arrive.
Coming the mountainside
You get multiple unexpected phone calls from an unknown number
The unexpected happens
Someone says something incorrect about your special interest and won't change their mind.
You overhear what people say about you 💀 “unnerving” was a recent one that stung.
My new goal is be unnerving
the words were “He’s obtuse in conversation and it always unnerves people, he doesn’t… flow right.” so I’m gonna aim to be acute in conversation next time
And with that you’ve demonstrated a sense of humor most NTs couldn’t dream to achieve. I like you.
matching user flair ✌️
You go nearly broke from a hyper fixation
They dont want to hear 'fun facts' any more and you havent even got to the *point*
It’s disabling. I love autistic joy. I love how my autistic self is. I wouldn’t change me… but god. Being autistic is disabling. Burnout is hell. I struggle to do most things. And it fucking sucks sometimes.
You don't know who you are anymore from all the masking.
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your relatives saying their children/other relatives are autistic with no proof other than being spoiled brats.
Being autistic is fun until star wars hyperfixation makes you me buy lego Welll that hasn't happened yet.
You have to explain yourself 47 times in 277 different ways before someone goes “Oh! I get it.” but they’re probably just being polite or they’re bored of listening.
Your mom forces you to put on corduroy and a turtle neck, thrusting you into sensory hell.
You have a massive meltdown and then have no energy for the next two days
Then the guilt comes, you're like how dare I let myself be upset by a thing
You’re trying to explain why you can’t talk during a verbal shutdown, but you can’t talk to quickly explain it, and you’re too overstimulated to think logically, so you just sit there and say nothing. Often includes crying, in my case.
until you touch a microfiber with dry skin. just happened and i am mad
My nervous system shuddered lol
You get so engrossed in yr special interest it becomes overwhelming but you can't stop thinking abt it 🥲
you start needing and then asking for any type of support and realise how ableist organisations and institutions actually are.
…being autistic is fun?
I really enjoy being unlikable and unemployable myself /s
until you wake up
you touch a towel or the bottom of the coffee mug that's scratchy 😭
Other people.
I realise that noone else can read my mind, so their perception of me has been created based off of my actions.
something changes a bit and its ruined. I once made a curry but i didnt have any turmeric in and that meant i couldnt eat it, my mum was fine with it though
It isnt fun to begin with
You realize you live in a neurotypical world.
getting exhausted from trying to do life properly, like working, eating, sleeping, appearing NT... and just generally being tuckered out from shit that doesnt tire NT people, like when i went to a large jungle area as im in central america visiting husbands family, and we went to the jungle to look at the nature, but after an hour of all the intense heat, humidity, noises from wildlife, colors and smells, i passed out for the rest of the day and night, not even waking up to eat or pee.
you have to take a shower
you realize you haven’t been authentically yourself in ages because life demands so much of you that it’s impossible to just BE. Alternatively… being autistic is fun until you realize we live in a society
Someone nags you on table manners.
migraine
Society norms happen
You look at the clock and it's 4am and you've just watched 10 episodes of the UK panel show QI, and you haven't eaten in about 8 hours. If that sounds weirdly specific, it's because that was me last night/this morning, and also a few times a week, though with varying shows. Usually either UK panel shows, Dropout, or interesting fact based Youtube channels.
You find out someone was just pretending to care about your special interests to sleep with you? (It is hard being this sexy, baby...💖🔥🤫)
The cobalt bombs rain and then it quadruple fun pain.
I feel like I'm a fucking ghost in social situations because not only is it so loud and cramped which my sensory issues can't take but also my struggles in making meaningful connections
you want a boyfriend but you are incapable of talking to people so you're in a constant state of loneliness and depression
Executive dysfunction messes you up.
Neurotypicals expect things of you
You're born?
I decide to make a tiny change to my routine, which I then believe causes something unexpected to happen - causing me to panic and shut down (I decided to brush my hair before brushing my teeth and I wholeheartedly believe that that is why someone nearly hit me with their car)
OP ur one is me rn
3rd grade. It gets kind of fun again in your early 30s in my experience. Once you've figured some shit out.
other autistic people make fun of you for your SI
Someone just decides that they don’t like you before actually getting to know you
You say something you think is okay but then everyone stares at you in silence and you realise ‘oh, they didn't like that’
You cannot leave your room because light is too bright and burns your retinas
You do something and now you have to wait for an important news , so you turn into a dysfunctional mush who can't focus on anything, can't follow your daily tasks because they require so much attention and commitment (like learning programing) and the only thing you can do is consuming dopamine...
....the weekend/holiday/vacation ends and you have tp go to work.
Sudden nap time hits like a truck
The hatman appears
I wake up.
... someone looks for hidden meanings in your words even though you were being straight forward. I do not insinuate. Grrrr.
…you realize that trying to fit into a world that was not made for you is a nightmare.
You realize you forgot to shower, eat, pee, or sleep because you couldn't stop meticulously organizing your music playlists and it's been hours and it's 3 am
You're a late discovered and diagnosed AuDHD type autistic, who's also late discovered non-binary and demisexual pan and a DID system who's parents were so negligent and manipulative ECT. And that because nobody paid enough attention to see how very obviously I was struggling, I never got any help and couldn't even graduate with my peers from my class, and not a single teacher thought to see if I needed to be evaluated for *literally anything-* So here you how are heavily disabled from PoTS, fibromyalgia, hEDS (which again nobody also bothered to realize how much I struggled from this one my whole life, especially in marching band-), probably MCAS, but especially MDD cPTSD and DID. And now you're 21, living with your also late discovered and diagnosed AuDHD but cishet partner who's family caused him intense cPTSD as well but he didn't get the dissociation as bad, and now we have no choice but to live with the ones who raised him because I got away from my mom at 16 and reconnected with my dad for the few years before moving where I am now, but my dad turned out to be a more clever manipulative bigot who supports trump but hates Christians and Christianity? So I wasn't able to stay there- And now we're here... Yea autism doesn't end up so fun for a good chunk of us. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. Why does society and especially our families have to cause us so much more harm when different? Literally a splice of each kind of queer, AFAB, AuDHD, plural/multiple cause DID, and highly but invisibly chronically ill. it's like I collected all the Pokemon, but I'm this case Pokemon are diagnoses to help advocate for myself officially for once. Sorry if I brought down the mood of the post btw /gen
You get back pains from carrying around your massive cock
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some nt hears youre autistic and starts treating you like a 6 year old
You find yourself feeling rather murderous because a fucking toddler is screaming their ass off and the parents don't do shite. Your phaçade crumbles and all you wanna do is stim, or crawl under a blanket and not exist for the world. you realise that what you were soaking up your whole life has nothing to do with who you actually are and you hate yourself for it.