She thinks you are flawed and need fixing. That’s a non-starter for a healthy relationship. If your ultimate goal is to leave the church and Hera is to marry in the temple then to me the answer seems obvious. There are so so many people outside the church for you to meet and get to know. It hurts I know. Everyone who’s tried life has had a broken heart. But you get through it and things are better.
Our ultimate goals may be different. She has talked about how we don’t need to get married in the church. Which is nice but then that makes it harder for her- making it harder for me too in some ways
I've never heard of someone who wants to go on a mission but not get married in the temple. To me, this is the craziest thing I've heard all day.
Here's how you figure it out, my friend. Discuss the following questions/topics with her.
1. I will never join the LDS church, for my entire life. Are you okay with that?
2. I will be drinking alcohol, coffee, etc, openly. Are you okay with that?
3. I don't want our kids baptized / going to church / (whatever your views may be) until they're 16 years old (or whatever your views are). Are you okay with that?
4. I like to watch porn now and then and I don't plan on stopping unless it's negatively affecting other aspects of my life. Are you okay with that?
Since she's going on a mission, I can only guess that she KNOWS god will change your heart if she works hard enough. I'm so sorry. As someone who is in a mixed faith marriage, it SUCKS sometimes. Don't do that to yourself. I mean, unless she's *actually* cool with the person you are now. (I highly doubt it, mormons are experienced liars, and mostly lie to themselves).
I’m sorry to tell you this, but if you stuck with her and if you somehow got married, you would be very unhappy. The Mormon faith is about “eternal families”, and that is only possible if you go to the temple and only good, tithing paying, TBMs go to the temple. She will not give up on that. It is literally brought up every week at church at least once.
Take my advice, find someone that will love you for who you are. Let her go.
I think that the very fact that she is CHOOSING to leave you to go on her uber-indoctrination, life altering cult hyper-meld mission says everything you need to know. The mission experience isn't about "spreading the gospel", despite what the cult says. Anyone with a computer or smartphone and google can find out all they need to about the cult. It's about control, and molding a young person to be fully indoctrinated into the group. It's about separating them from the only support system they know, giving them a new identity, controlling every moment of every day, forcing them into very uncomfortable positions and making it a very us vs. them situation where they are constantly rejected, to then return to the welcoming arms of the in-group, cementing in their very impressionable minds the reality the group wants to imprint on the young person, without them ever having experienced any alternative viewpoints of the world.
Well...maybe.
Missions change people in different ways. Missions are not always faith-affirming experiences. It's always possible that she'll find the truth while she's out there.
It wouldn't be the first time!
I was the most TBM person I knew before my mission. Came home early. Within a few months, I stopped going to church, stopped believing in prophets, started paying attention to the evidence against the church. Two years later, and I'm the only exmo in my immediate family, and one of the only exmos I know in person.
Bro, go ahead and take a look at my posting history. I have been doing this for 5 years. I am making it work, sort of. It's a daily, and I mean daily struggle.
I know that you love her. But,
>Today it got brought up how I’ve watched porn before. She kept asking questions about it and asked me not to watch it. It made me feel lots of shame because of it. It’s hard when we have different feelings towards different things and I often feel shame that I’m not good enough for her “mormon” lifestyle.
This is the real problem. You feeling shame for things that you should have no business feeling shame for. You are correct, her being on a mission isn't going to help your relationship. I love my wife, I really do. But, if you gave me a time machine and told me I could go back to my 17 year old self and start over, there is 0% chance that I would meet my wife or marry her. Period. Mormonism is a cult, if you haven't read Luna Lindsey's Recovering Agency - Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control, you really, really should.
Life and marriage are both really, really hard. If you do go down this path, decide your clear, articulatiable boundaries and have the hard conversations up front. Kids, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. and what your going to do about all of those. Honestly, if you want my honest advice, move on. Plenty of fish and all that.
Thank you man. I do believe that mixed-faith relationships CAN work, and I also believe that ALL relationships are mixed-faith in one way or another.
There's just this extra layer of bullshit from all of the undue influence and excessive control found in Mormonism that for me, is not worth it, unless you're already married.
Every Mormon girl is taught to think about marriage in every single relationship they’re in. They’re also told that sexuality is bad, masterbation is bad and if you look at porn you’ve got an addiction. Even considering looking at girls in bikinis as porn. Scenes from the show outlander are considered porn because the nudity even though there isnt graphic sex like actual porn porn.
She will have a lot of sexual shame to work through herself and weird sexual ideations based on how the purity culture damages people, and especially women.
I would kindly end the relationship before she leaves on the mission. You’re very young and have an entire life ahead of you to 1 ) grow up and live life and find yourself, and 2) have an in person relationship that includes sex before marriage to make sure you’re compatible and 3) most people don’t know themselves well until closer to 30.
She’s probably a wonderful person, hopefully she will leave the church, but you aren’t wrong in feeling apprehensive about all of this.
⁶You should also consider her family. You will be the evil, fallen one that led their daughter astray. They will be pressuring her behind your back to divorce you and find a worthy priesthood holder. There will be pressure to get the kids baptized and on and on.
The mission is where the church takes the already pervasive and toxic manipulation tactics and cranks it up to 11.
Those who serve a full mission are likely to have be completely brainwashed Mormon zombies when they get home.
You could always hope she leaves early, which is often a foot in the door to leaving entirely, but you gotta decide if you want to invest in this relationship knowing it's essentially a coin toss between whether it works out or not.
My advice, ask her if she could ever see herself leaving the church. If she answers "No" then I'd kindly break it off.
It’s not worth it. My husband is wonderful, but being in a mixed-faith marriage is really difficult. It nearly broke us, and thanks to a great therapist it might not, but it’s still really hard. Raising kids in it is hard. Compromising when you both hold opposing beliefs strongly is hard. I wouldn’t recommend it. If I’d known what I know now when I was 19, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this situation.
I’m sure she’s great, but you know who else is great? Lots and lots of other people. I promise.
I went through this exact same thing!
I had been dating my high school TBM boyfriend for about a year when he left on his mission. We talked about him coming home and us getting married when I turned 18. I had already gotten my records removed so I thought we had an understanding that I would never get married in the temple.
Well, fast forward two months into the mission, he texts me that he is %100 certain that he wants to get married in the temple.
I broke up with him that day, and he was so sad. I know I did the right thing though even if it hurt him, because it was the best thing for the both of us in the long run.
He is getting married soon and he looks very happy. I’m glad that we ultimately went our separate ways and found the happiness we individually needed.
Hey, just coming back to this comment to say that a couple months ago, the exact same thing happened to me. 😂 crazy how missions do that. Very glad we are both on separate paths!
Ask her to help you understand your questions about the church. Watch this video together https://youtu.be/UJMSU8Qj6Go?si=3on-CUMh8qHoUNpm and then go through the CES letter.
All Mormon girls are indoctrinated to have a temple marriage. She thinks she can save you because she loves you so much. She doesn’t fully understand your pimo status.
She thinks she can fix you and all will be well. Tell her that if you marry her it won’t happen in the temple and see if she sticks around.
Or just let her go on her mission she will realize she is way better than you (in her mind) and dump you
She thinks you are flawed and need fixing. That’s a non-starter for a healthy relationship. If your ultimate goal is to leave the church and Hera is to marry in the temple then to me the answer seems obvious. There are so so many people outside the church for you to meet and get to know. It hurts I know. Everyone who’s tried life has had a broken heart. But you get through it and things are better.
Our ultimate goals may be different. She has talked about how we don’t need to get married in the church. Which is nice but then that makes it harder for her- making it harder for me too in some ways
I've never heard of someone who wants to go on a mission but not get married in the temple. To me, this is the craziest thing I've heard all day. Here's how you figure it out, my friend. Discuss the following questions/topics with her. 1. I will never join the LDS church, for my entire life. Are you okay with that? 2. I will be drinking alcohol, coffee, etc, openly. Are you okay with that? 3. I don't want our kids baptized / going to church / (whatever your views may be) until they're 16 years old (or whatever your views are). Are you okay with that? 4. I like to watch porn now and then and I don't plan on stopping unless it's negatively affecting other aspects of my life. Are you okay with that? Since she's going on a mission, I can only guess that she KNOWS god will change your heart if she works hard enough. I'm so sorry. As someone who is in a mixed faith marriage, it SUCKS sometimes. Don't do that to yourself. I mean, unless she's *actually* cool with the person you are now. (I highly doubt it, mormons are experienced liars, and mostly lie to themselves).
I’m sorry to tell you this, but if you stuck with her and if you somehow got married, you would be very unhappy. The Mormon faith is about “eternal families”, and that is only possible if you go to the temple and only good, tithing paying, TBMs go to the temple. She will not give up on that. It is literally brought up every week at church at least once. Take my advice, find someone that will love you for who you are. Let her go.
Just be aware— missions can change people a lot. See what she is like when she gets back.
😂yup. That’s what I’m scared of- that She will be brainwashed to the point of her not wanting to be with me because of our differences .
I think that the very fact that she is CHOOSING to leave you to go on her uber-indoctrination, life altering cult hyper-meld mission says everything you need to know. The mission experience isn't about "spreading the gospel", despite what the cult says. Anyone with a computer or smartphone and google can find out all they need to about the cult. It's about control, and molding a young person to be fully indoctrinated into the group. It's about separating them from the only support system they know, giving them a new identity, controlling every moment of every day, forcing them into very uncomfortable positions and making it a very us vs. them situation where they are constantly rejected, to then return to the welcoming arms of the in-group, cementing in their very impressionable minds the reality the group wants to imprint on the young person, without them ever having experienced any alternative viewpoints of the world.
Well...maybe. Missions change people in different ways. Missions are not always faith-affirming experiences. It's always possible that she'll find the truth while she's out there. It wouldn't be the first time!
I was the most TBM person I knew before my mission. Came home early. Within a few months, I stopped going to church, stopped believing in prophets, started paying attention to the evidence against the church. Two years later, and I'm the only exmo in my immediate family, and one of the only exmos I know in person.
Yeah, I don’t mean to be disheartening, even for people that are both following the church you know how the deer John things go. Best of luck, man.
Bro, go ahead and take a look at my posting history. I have been doing this for 5 years. I am making it work, sort of. It's a daily, and I mean daily struggle. I know that you love her. But, >Today it got brought up how I’ve watched porn before. She kept asking questions about it and asked me not to watch it. It made me feel lots of shame because of it. It’s hard when we have different feelings towards different things and I often feel shame that I’m not good enough for her “mormon” lifestyle. This is the real problem. You feeling shame for things that you should have no business feeling shame for. You are correct, her being on a mission isn't going to help your relationship. I love my wife, I really do. But, if you gave me a time machine and told me I could go back to my 17 year old self and start over, there is 0% chance that I would meet my wife or marry her. Period. Mormonism is a cult, if you haven't read Luna Lindsey's Recovering Agency - Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control, you really, really should. Life and marriage are both really, really hard. If you do go down this path, decide your clear, articulatiable boundaries and have the hard conversations up front. Kids, alcohol, drugs, porn, etc. and what your going to do about all of those. Honestly, if you want my honest advice, move on. Plenty of fish and all that.
Read your old posts. Good stuff. Good luck with your family
Thank you man. I do believe that mixed-faith relationships CAN work, and I also believe that ALL relationships are mixed-faith in one way or another. There's just this extra layer of bullshit from all of the undue influence and excessive control found in Mormonism that for me, is not worth it, unless you're already married.
Every Mormon girl is taught to think about marriage in every single relationship they’re in. They’re also told that sexuality is bad, masterbation is bad and if you look at porn you’ve got an addiction. Even considering looking at girls in bikinis as porn. Scenes from the show outlander are considered porn because the nudity even though there isnt graphic sex like actual porn porn. She will have a lot of sexual shame to work through herself and weird sexual ideations based on how the purity culture damages people, and especially women. I would kindly end the relationship before she leaves on the mission. You’re very young and have an entire life ahead of you to 1 ) grow up and live life and find yourself, and 2) have an in person relationship that includes sex before marriage to make sure you’re compatible and 3) most people don’t know themselves well until closer to 30. She’s probably a wonderful person, hopefully she will leave the church, but you aren’t wrong in feeling apprehensive about all of this.
⁶You should also consider her family. You will be the evil, fallen one that led their daughter astray. They will be pressuring her behind your back to divorce you and find a worthy priesthood holder. There will be pressure to get the kids baptized and on and on.
Let her go and move on
The mission is where the church takes the already pervasive and toxic manipulation tactics and cranks it up to 11. Those who serve a full mission are likely to have be completely brainwashed Mormon zombies when they get home. You could always hope she leaves early, which is often a foot in the door to leaving entirely, but you gotta decide if you want to invest in this relationship knowing it's essentially a coin toss between whether it works out or not. My advice, ask her if she could ever see herself leaving the church. If she answers "No" then I'd kindly break it off.
It’s not worth it. My husband is wonderful, but being in a mixed-faith marriage is really difficult. It nearly broke us, and thanks to a great therapist it might not, but it’s still really hard. Raising kids in it is hard. Compromising when you both hold opposing beliefs strongly is hard. I wouldn’t recommend it. If I’d known what I know now when I was 19, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this situation. I’m sure she’s great, but you know who else is great? Lots and lots of other people. I promise.
I went through this exact same thing! I had been dating my high school TBM boyfriend for about a year when he left on his mission. We talked about him coming home and us getting married when I turned 18. I had already gotten my records removed so I thought we had an understanding that I would never get married in the temple. Well, fast forward two months into the mission, he texts me that he is %100 certain that he wants to get married in the temple. I broke up with him that day, and he was so sad. I know I did the right thing though even if it hurt him, because it was the best thing for the both of us in the long run. He is getting married soon and he looks very happy. I’m glad that we ultimately went our separate ways and found the happiness we individually needed.
Hey, just coming back to this comment to say that a couple months ago, the exact same thing happened to me. 😂 crazy how missions do that. Very glad we are both on separate paths!
Break up and send her a dear Jane letter on her mission and then change cell phone number and go NC
Ask her to help you understand your questions about the church. Watch this video together https://youtu.be/UJMSU8Qj6Go?si=3on-CUMh8qHoUNpm and then go through the CES letter. All Mormon girls are indoctrinated to have a temple marriage. She thinks she can save you because she loves you so much. She doesn’t fully understand your pimo status.
So I have to ask, what does Pimo mean?
Physically In, mentally out. I believe there is a list of abbreviations on this subreddit information panel somewhere
Thank you
She thinks she can fix you and all will be well. Tell her that if you marry her it won’t happen in the temple and see if she sticks around. Or just let her go on her mission she will realize she is way better than you (in her mind) and dump you