My heart goes out to you - I can't imagine the daily terror you faced from the location in general, and the added abuse you experienced for being gay made it much worse. I joined as an adult convert (have now resigned), so I didn't serve the traditional young adult mission.
Please accept some sincere virtual hugs from the mom of an adult trans child. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you. My mom still hasn't accepted my sexuality and I'm not certain she ever will. I've shared very little with my parents about my mission because I don't think they would believe me anyway.
No words would do this justice. So if I may ask, how was your parents Missions back in the day? Is it that they don't believe what bad things happened or they don't want to believe that they caused the same pain to their son that was caused to them years earlier? Thanks.
As far as mindfucks go, few beat out a Mormon mission. My therapist called mine spiritual abuse, and the conditions in France weren't nearly as extreme as yours were. I did end up realizing I was one of the street people I mocked during my first months on the mission. The town drunk, the not-all-there paranoid guy, and White Shirt Cultists #1 and #2, all out there, shunned and avoided like the plague.
But since I wasn't being the asshole I needed to be to fill the quota of street contacts, I spent those two years lnowing I was damning the people I should have talked to. When Mormon HQ reorganized mission boundaries and I ended up in the Swiss mission instead of the Belgian, the uncertainty was so overwhelming that I took an hour-and-a-half shower and shaved every hair on my body except the missionary haircut.
Playing ultimate frisbee the next day was torturous, to say the least.
Then the Swiss MP made his motto clear: "What can I sacrifice more?" We weren't supposed to eat with members without an investigator present, and if invited anyway, we had a script: "As representatives of Jesus Christ, the time on our mission is precious, and we need to use it effectively in finding people to bring to Christ."
The MP recognized my depression and sent me to the largest ward in French-speaking Europe. But the geographical area was small alpine villages with more cows than people. So the only way to work was through members, but the members were only available at dinnertime, and if I caved and ate, I wouldn't be obedient enough to earn the miracle of finding an investigator in small-town France.
I think of a worldview like a landscape, with the near-infinite flow of sensory data eroding streams of consciousness, rivers of reaction, and canyons of bias. Trauma and indoctrination cut across this landscape, trauma like a landslide, indoctrination like a straight and narrow canal.
It's hard to fully express why an otherwise benign experience (such as reading a journal) would suck your focus toward survival mode. But your brain is built to survive first, and these emotional reactions come before conscious thought in the perception process.
I hope you're in a better place a decade after your mission. I hope you're far from any daily reminders of the past. I hope you have a therapist to help you desensitize lingering trauma responses so they don't continue to loom large.
But if you have none of that, at least you know that you have others who understand. People who have healed and reclaimed the good moments from the ashes. When the trauma reactions rear their heads, they aren't gospel truth. You can feel the pain and respond with the direction you want your life to go. Accumulate enough proof of safety, and your mental landscape can once again be authentically beautiful as you build your life one good moment at a time.
I am also a survivor of French missionhood. Sounds like we were there about the same time (reorganization of Geneva, Marseille, and Toulouse missions) and prob know some of the same people.
Wonderful writing, by the way! You have a skill with words.
Son of a bich and the powerful amounts of conversaation and relationship building that could have taken place over trying some of the worlds best cuisines in the homes all over france. what a mind fuk is right. such a controlled box checking useless waste of a young mans life and money. The only upside is you got to see and experience other parts of the world and have your mind opened.
Mission suck and are extremely hard no matter where or what. Finishing in CA was in some ways worse, mostly because of the abuse I received from companions.
It's amazing how much happier I am since I've left the church and accepted myself and surrounded myself with people who accept me. I spent much too long trying to convince myself I could be part of the church. I'm sorry.to hear about your mission and I hope it's pushed you on a path to a much better life.
Definitely. I always had too much empathy to be a confident Mormon, and being a street person extended that empathy to the people I'd looked down on as a hero missionary.
I also have to remind myself that my life wasn't completely wasted during the Mormon part of it, especially like today when the young redhead seated next to me on the plane described how she was flying to San Diego for a weekend with a promising man she met in Vegas. FOMO is real on that one, more like KnOMO at this point.
That conversation was a deliberate attempt to recalibrate the fear of people my mission seared into my brain. It's freeing to talk to people when it's no longer about saving their soul.
I'm glad to hear you're also in a better place and that you have many years of happiness ahead of you.
>We weren't supposed to eat with members without an investigator present
We had that dumb rule in Italy, too. Most of us just ignored it, though. The members also thought it was stupid.
Man, I was in California getting fed salmon and steak in zero physical danger, and I **STILL** came home with PTSD.
Fuck missions. Single worst decision I ever made.
This hurts my mom heart so much. Many of my contemporaries are sending their sons and daughters out on missions. Every time I see them post about it, my heart aches wondering what horrors these bright young people will face.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Thank you. I have missionaries knock on my door and I try to be as kind as possible and offer them a break, while also planting a small seed. I know I appreciate all of the people now who said what I needed to hear many years ago.
The church would label your 4 year absence from your brother as a honorable sacrifice made for the kingdom of god. What a load of horse shit
Can’t wait to listen to your podcast!
It was very sad. His mission was not much better although he is still very active. We've talked a lot about the church and he knows where I'm coming from and understands why I've left. I hope one day he sees a different perspective and makes changes for himself and family.
Thanks. There's so much that happens that people don't talk about. I couldn't get myself to admit how terrible my mission was and how unhappy I was for two years until I began to accept that the church wasn't true.
I didn’t go through nearly what you did, and I still considered my mission one of the most trying times of my life. It nearly killed my testimony, which I felt super guilty about. I felt obligated to only talk about the good stuff, I pushed the bad feelings down for years.
Talking about it has been cathartic for me, I hope you find healing. It was brave of you to post.
My mission was a disaster as well. I served my mission in Chicago during quarantine. I was stuck in my apartment 24/7 for the last year of my mission with several mentally unstable and abusive companions because my mission president thought I was mentally stable enough to "fix" them. I begged and pleaded to be sent home, but he refused to even consider it. By the end of my mission, I just wanted to sit in a corner alone and cry. I still have nightmares about waking up on my mission. I am so sorry that you had to go through this (especially as part of the LGBTQ+ community). I can't imagine what it would have been like to be in Ukraine during that time. If you need to message anybody, I'm on Reddit often.
I’m sorry that they took your ability to be an adult and organize your own flight home to escape your traumatic situation. Perpetual children is what the MFMC would have all its members be. I’m about to hit 40 and feel like I’m finally growing up.
My heart goes out to you. My mission experience was also the worst and most soul crushing time of my life. It’s sad that you get told it will be this grand spiritual experience and then when you go it’s the complete opposite. Mad respect to you for making it through all of that.
My dad insists he has the best mission ever. He was shocked to hear how much the MTC sucks even, of course when he went they could leave campus. I think the church has become increasingly toxic and many are suffocating more now than ever.
I’m sorry to hear.
I hate how I always hear leaders in the church and LDS content creators always talk about how
“You will never ever regret serving a mission”. Incredibly false.
It is utterly stupid for the church to put their youth in a position of potential harm in the first place. The fact that there are so many cases like this, only proves that the authorities care more about numbers than they do the welfare of their people. Despicable.
Welcome officially to this sub, OP. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine, even with your details, how horrible that must have been. What sadistic comps. And your poor mom and family.
I think you have something very, very valuable to share to others, to a wider audience. Mormon Stories with its wide reach, maybe? Or your own method. Please don't delete your post, either. People--prospective missionaries or their parents--need to see this and other stories like yours, even in a reddit search in 10 years, so that they can make informed decisions about serving a mission.
Thank you for sharing. And I think lerpy is one of the best-used words in the English language when describing oneself.
The Church doesn't make efforts to make the mission a pleasant experience. That is by design: [The LDS Proselytizing Mission as Hazing - Sunstone](https://sunstone.org/mission-as-hazing/)
Thank you so much for sharing. From one exmo Reddit stranger to another, I am fiercely proud of you for surviving such absolute hell, and for ultimately escaping and finding strength to share your experience. I can’t help but think of all of the self-righteous hypocrites within the church who bear ultimate responsibility for all of the evil you endured.
It's probably been very helpful for you to write this down and share with us all. Thanks for being vulnerable, and I'm sure you've helped others with similar experiences.
I am so sorry for what you went through! 😢I would also listen to your podcast, you didn’t deserve any of that abuse! It is crazy that a billion dollar corporation places its missionaries in such dangerous and careless circumstances…. They don’t really care much about missionaries and their safety and the garments don’t ‘protect’ the way people are brainwashed to believe they do…. You were coerced to go and are not to blame for what happened to you….
I have a nevermo friend here in California who is from Luhansk, and had to flee to Kyiv in the middle of the night in 2014 when Russia invaded there and her family lost everything…. Her parents again fled to Germany in February 2022 (she was working in the US at that point)…
I am in tears reading this. I believe you and I am so sorry this happened to you.
I really hope that you have access to the support you need to heal from this. This is horrific to imagine anyone having to endure this and it hurts my heart to know that you had to.
Sending you hopeful wishes of peace and healing.
This story felt like the worst case scenario for my own Mormon experience. Mormon me would have commended you for your faith to suffer so much for so long.
I often wish I had a little less faith than I did.
I'm sorry for what you went through. I was a covid missionary in Ukraine and my experience was not as bad or extreme as yours, but was a very dark time for me as well. It put me through a lot of trauma and I feel very similar to you when thinking about my mission overall. I'm sorry you had to go through that and be haunted by those memories.😥
This is just awful. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
I had a companion on my mission whose younger sister was killed in a car accident. She only had a few months left to finish her mission and the AP’s talked her into staying and not going home for the funeral. To me that is extremely messed up. I’m sure she never had closure not going to the funeral and being there to say goodbye. I felt so bad for her. There is not a chance in hell I would have missed a family member’s funeral to stay on my mission.
I was in Japan and it was a utopia compared to what OP went through. Even so, for months I would fantasize about stepping in front of a speeding train and ending it all.
I’m sorry for what happened to you and grateful you shared. When you said the place and time I took a breath because I know two missionaries but one was older and one was younger so Ik you can’t be either of my friends. It is horrendous that the church puts young peoples lives at risk. I’ve known more than one. The more these stories are out (maybe wishful thinking) but the less they may happen in the future.
We welcome you with open arms and are so glad you’re here!
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us and being so vulnerable. When you’ve experienced that level of cruelty and trauma it takes a huge amount of bravery to open up about it.
I’d totally listen to your podcast; please come back and share when you’re ready.
I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered. Validation is such an important step in the healing process. Share your story fat and wide. It’s also fascinating.
Well we were on lockdowns a few times, and one of the times our district decided we would all stay at the same apartment. We had made lemonade for dinner and my companion, without me and another Elder knowing (that Elder was the target) had peed in the lemonade. Anyway me and the target Elder both drank it.
That particular city was absolutely terrible. Sisters were not allowed to serve there. A senior couple was assigned there while I was there and after a week they REFUSED to leave their apartment and demanded to return home because of how miserable they were. Mission president told them no. Mission presidents wife, asked if me and my comp would visit them every night to try to convince them to stay. They ended up leaving.
That’s hands down the scariest account I’ve read and I’m so sorry that you experienced it. If you don’t decide to do your own podcast, I hope you’ll tell your story to Mormon Stories Podcast or RFM. I hope you will recover peace and joy in your heart, best wishes to you.
This sounds like the mission trauma version of the 12 days of Christmas!
5 mission presidents
4 different missions
3 separate countries
2 years of “service”
And a lifetime of trauma!
Its too bad Gawd chose to not alert his 'mouthpiece' on the earth a little prior to this dumpster fire of unpreparedness so as to handle logistics a tad mor professionally and SAFELY. What a crock of shit. I am sorry you had this experience, and may your trauma subside and ease as you seek competent assistance. NOT IN THE LDS COMMUNITY PLEASE?>
Luckily the mission president over the whole evacuation was the best I had my whole mission. It was complete chaos in the Kyiv mission though. Some places we had 12 missionaries assigned to a single branch.
I’m sorry for what happened to you and grateful you shared. When you said the place and time I took a breath because I know two missionaries but one was older and one was younger so Ik you can’t be either of my friends. It is horrendous that the church puts young peoples lives at risk. I’ve known more than one. The more these stories are out (maybe wishful thinking) but the less they may happen in the future.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your experience. I can't imagine the horror you enduree on a daily basis. I hope you do a couple of things: get some therapy to help you Dela with the trauma and then when you are ready, tell your story. All of it. Put the MFMC on blast for the shitty real estate investment firm they are. The only reason they send young kids on missions is the hope to psychologically enslave them for life, being tithe payers. If they happen to bring in any unsuspecting converts that's just the gravy. FUCK THAT CULT.
wow. i am so incredibly sorry for your pain. mormon missions have some of the most traumatized people i have ever seen and the church is unbelievably selfish in the fact it makes it’s CHILDREN suffer, guilt ridden, sick, emaciated, and abused with no real help.
i had a childhood friend get back from a russia mission a few months ago and he is not the same at all. he was sent EVERYWHERE around that area. ukraine, slovenia, etc- especially the military and active war zones because he was a “humanitarian missionary” or whatever because he spoke the languages. he looks absolutely dead inside and so traumatized. he won’t talk about it at all. i actually went to his homecoming talk and he is completely blank faced like there’s no one left inside him. he doesn’t smile, laugh, or cry. he also lost about 90 pounds. the fact he paid thousands of dollars to psychologically and physically change him for the worse and people are CONGRATULATING HIM on “serving the lord and his church” is what is most heartbreaking.
i am glad you shared your story, and i am wishing the best for you going forward.
I know other have mentioned contacting Mormon stories-type podcasts but honestly, even a non-Mormon centered podcast would probably consider your story. There's one called "This is Actually Happening" that's insanely popular that airs tragic and compelling stories a lot of the time and I've googled the people afterward and many people say how cathartic it was. You can stay anonymous, too.
Best of luck with your healing 💙
Idk if it meant anything back then, and my guess is that it probably doesn't mean anything now, but my mission was praying for you guys as we heard what little we could through the grapevine.
We came home the same month and year. Feb 18 was when I came home. All 2 years of my mission I couldn't wait for that day. Somehow I still stayed somewhat active the next 6 or 7 years.
Haha thank you. It was such a wild time and was difficult to process. Couldn't believe it was happening to me and felt like a total nightmare. In many ways, my remaining mission in Santa Rosa CA was even worse. I think Feb 18 was the day I returned home as well?
My heart goes out to you. My mission was also agonizing yet in far better circumstances. I’m glad you made it out of your mission and out of the church! Especially great to read that you’ve connected with others from your mission who have also left 💗 it’s always wonderful to learn about that.
Thank you for sharing. I wish I could give you a hug. When you talked about your breakdown coming home, I had that.
Growing up my mom would always have us wash our hand when we got home. It was a ritual we did, especially after church. So when I got home, I walked over to the sink and pumped my hands with soap and had the same melt down. I couldn’t stop crying and could not muster the energy to turn on the water to wash the soap off my hands. My dad had to come help me turn on the water. The mission was awful.
Missions are fucked up. You should have never been put in harms way the way you did. You shouldn’t have been lied to and made to feel guilty for being gay. I hope you find a beautiful man who loves you for all of you one day.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that for many reasons this is difficult. I developed PTSD on my mission from the homophobia I experienced at the hands of my mission president, APs, and companions. You are not alone, and I hope that in sharing your story you find healing. My DMs are open if you need an ear.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you find/have found some peace in the years since and have at least one safe person in your life who loves you and provides a safe place to land.
Every city in the mission, except Mariupol! Greenie in Kharkov Novi Doma, then Makeevka Zelyoni, then back to Kharkov in the Saltivka area, a couple transfers in the office, trained a greenie in Makeevka Center, the one transfer in Gorlivka, then back to Kharkov but in the central district (best area and best apartment in the mission), then Luhansk, and then finished my mission in Sumi. I did visit Mariupol as an office missionary and a zone leader, and I went to Kiev once to renew my visa.
I didn't have it as bad as you in terms of being treated horribly for being queer and the mission closing due to war, but I can 100% relate to everything else you said. I was terrified most of my mission, constantly a target of drunks and criminals, and virtually nobody was interested in joining the church. Got terribly sick, lost most of the hearing in my left ear and other health problems that affect me to this day. I had to learn how to bury my emotions, project a tough image and be ready to fight for my self defense anytime I went on the street.
Where did you serve??
Edit:
>I kept a journal every. single. day. of my mission and I have not once opened it since. I'm terrified of reliving those nightmare 2 years.
Same! I have never once read anything I wrote in my mission journal. Large amounts of sadness and trauma mixed with a few bright lights of wonderful people and experiences. I now mostly remember the few good things and want to leave everything else as a nightmare that's slowly fading a bit from my memory.
Edit2:
Also wanted to say, as you may know you were among the last of a long line of gay elders who served in Donetsk. What's interesting is just like you, all the elders I knew well enough told me that they believed/hoped/in some cases were promised that god would "cure" the gay away if they served faithfully. Also like you if people suspected they were less then 100% straight, they would be treated horribly.
The only positive thing that came from this was when I saw how mormons who claimed to be and believed they were good and loving treated their brothers and sisters who were gay in some of the worst ways imaginable, it was simply too much for even my church-broke mind to accept as OK. Prop 8 was going on at the time, and it was the first time in my life I rejected something the church wanted me to believe. I resigned from the church 3 years after i got back from my mission, and in the letter I wrote the the church I explained I was doing it becasue their treatment of gay and other people who don't conform was evil and I would not be a part of it.
My heart goes out to you - I can't imagine the daily terror you faced from the location in general, and the added abuse you experienced for being gay made it much worse. I joined as an adult convert (have now resigned), so I didn't serve the traditional young adult mission. Please accept some sincere virtual hugs from the mom of an adult trans child. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you. My mom still hasn't accepted my sexuality and I'm not certain she ever will. I've shared very little with my parents about my mission because I don't think they would believe me anyway.
Stay strong, and know you have a caring support group on this sub.
No words would do this justice. So if I may ask, how was your parents Missions back in the day? Is it that they don't believe what bad things happened or they don't want to believe that they caused the same pain to their son that was caused to them years earlier? Thanks.
As far as mindfucks go, few beat out a Mormon mission. My therapist called mine spiritual abuse, and the conditions in France weren't nearly as extreme as yours were. I did end up realizing I was one of the street people I mocked during my first months on the mission. The town drunk, the not-all-there paranoid guy, and White Shirt Cultists #1 and #2, all out there, shunned and avoided like the plague. But since I wasn't being the asshole I needed to be to fill the quota of street contacts, I spent those two years lnowing I was damning the people I should have talked to. When Mormon HQ reorganized mission boundaries and I ended up in the Swiss mission instead of the Belgian, the uncertainty was so overwhelming that I took an hour-and-a-half shower and shaved every hair on my body except the missionary haircut. Playing ultimate frisbee the next day was torturous, to say the least. Then the Swiss MP made his motto clear: "What can I sacrifice more?" We weren't supposed to eat with members without an investigator present, and if invited anyway, we had a script: "As representatives of Jesus Christ, the time on our mission is precious, and we need to use it effectively in finding people to bring to Christ." The MP recognized my depression and sent me to the largest ward in French-speaking Europe. But the geographical area was small alpine villages with more cows than people. So the only way to work was through members, but the members were only available at dinnertime, and if I caved and ate, I wouldn't be obedient enough to earn the miracle of finding an investigator in small-town France. I think of a worldview like a landscape, with the near-infinite flow of sensory data eroding streams of consciousness, rivers of reaction, and canyons of bias. Trauma and indoctrination cut across this landscape, trauma like a landslide, indoctrination like a straight and narrow canal. It's hard to fully express why an otherwise benign experience (such as reading a journal) would suck your focus toward survival mode. But your brain is built to survive first, and these emotional reactions come before conscious thought in the perception process. I hope you're in a better place a decade after your mission. I hope you're far from any daily reminders of the past. I hope you have a therapist to help you desensitize lingering trauma responses so they don't continue to loom large. But if you have none of that, at least you know that you have others who understand. People who have healed and reclaimed the good moments from the ashes. When the trauma reactions rear their heads, they aren't gospel truth. You can feel the pain and respond with the direction you want your life to go. Accumulate enough proof of safety, and your mental landscape can once again be authentically beautiful as you build your life one good moment at a time.
I am also a survivor of French missionhood. Sounds like we were there about the same time (reorganization of Geneva, Marseille, and Toulouse missions) and prob know some of the same people. Wonderful writing, by the way! You have a skill with words.
Hey Frenchies, I was Belgium Brussels Mission in 2000-2002 myself. Glad we all survived…
SHIP THE BOOKS, BRUSSELS!
Son of a bich and the powerful amounts of conversaation and relationship building that could have taken place over trying some of the worlds best cuisines in the homes all over france. what a mind fuk is right. such a controlled box checking useless waste of a young mans life and money. The only upside is you got to see and experience other parts of the world and have your mind opened.
Mission suck and are extremely hard no matter where or what. Finishing in CA was in some ways worse, mostly because of the abuse I received from companions. It's amazing how much happier I am since I've left the church and accepted myself and surrounded myself with people who accept me. I spent much too long trying to convince myself I could be part of the church. I'm sorry.to hear about your mission and I hope it's pushed you on a path to a much better life.
Definitely. I always had too much empathy to be a confident Mormon, and being a street person extended that empathy to the people I'd looked down on as a hero missionary. I also have to remind myself that my life wasn't completely wasted during the Mormon part of it, especially like today when the young redhead seated next to me on the plane described how she was flying to San Diego for a weekend with a promising man she met in Vegas. FOMO is real on that one, more like KnOMO at this point. That conversation was a deliberate attempt to recalibrate the fear of people my mission seared into my brain. It's freeing to talk to people when it's no longer about saving their soul. I'm glad to hear you're also in a better place and that you have many years of happiness ahead of you.
>We weren't supposed to eat with members without an investigator present We had that dumb rule in Italy, too. Most of us just ignored it, though. The members also thought it was stupid.
At the end of my mission, the MP said he put me in that ward to make it easier on me. Discernment at its finest.
Man, I was in California getting fed salmon and steak in zero physical danger, and I **STILL** came home with PTSD. Fuck missions. Single worst decision I ever made.
Your topographical metaphor is beautiful. I served in Portugal and relate to your experience and that of the original poster.
This hurts my mom heart so much. Many of my contemporaries are sending their sons and daughters out on missions. Every time I see them post about it, my heart aches wondering what horrors these bright young people will face. I'm so sorry for your pain.
Thank you. I have missionaries knock on my door and I try to be as kind as possible and offer them a break, while also planting a small seed. I know I appreciate all of the people now who said what I needed to hear many years ago.
The church would label your 4 year absence from your brother as a honorable sacrifice made for the kingdom of god. What a load of horse shit Can’t wait to listen to your podcast!
It was very sad. His mission was not much better although he is still very active. We've talked a lot about the church and he knows where I'm coming from and understands why I've left. I hope one day he sees a different perspective and makes changes for himself and family.
I’m glad you shared your story. I’m sorry you lived it.
Thanks. There's so much that happens that people don't talk about. I couldn't get myself to admit how terrible my mission was and how unhappy I was for two years until I began to accept that the church wasn't true.
I didn’t go through nearly what you did, and I still considered my mission one of the most trying times of my life. It nearly killed my testimony, which I felt super guilty about. I felt obligated to only talk about the good stuff, I pushed the bad feelings down for years. Talking about it has been cathartic for me, I hope you find healing. It was brave of you to post.
You should go on Mormon stories, I’m glad you are able to see some positive things out of such an awful experience, I hope you can continue to heal 😊
I'm unfamiliar with Mormon stories, but I agree people need a platform to show what's behind the Mormon curtain.
Listening can be healing. It's my parasocial group therapy.
My mission was a disaster as well. I served my mission in Chicago during quarantine. I was stuck in my apartment 24/7 for the last year of my mission with several mentally unstable and abusive companions because my mission president thought I was mentally stable enough to "fix" them. I begged and pleaded to be sent home, but he refused to even consider it. By the end of my mission, I just wanted to sit in a corner alone and cry. I still have nightmares about waking up on my mission. I am so sorry that you had to go through this (especially as part of the LGBTQ+ community). I can't imagine what it would have been like to be in Ukraine during that time. If you need to message anybody, I'm on Reddit often.
It’s the absolute worst being forced to stay put, on your mission.
I’m sorry that they took your ability to be an adult and organize your own flight home to escape your traumatic situation. Perpetual children is what the MFMC would have all its members be. I’m about to hit 40 and feel like I’m finally growing up.
I can't imagine being stuck with your comp for a year in your apartment. Many of my comps were the reason I was so miserable.
My heart goes out to you. My mission experience was also the worst and most soul crushing time of my life. It’s sad that you get told it will be this grand spiritual experience and then when you go it’s the complete opposite. Mad respect to you for making it through all of that.
My dad insists he has the best mission ever. He was shocked to hear how much the MTC sucks even, of course when he went they could leave campus. I think the church has become increasingly toxic and many are suffocating more now than ever.
This is a very important point
I’m sorry to hear. I hate how I always hear leaders in the church and LDS content creators always talk about how “You will never ever regret serving a mission”. Incredibly false.
Sooo many regrets. Two years being tortured and humiliated all to spend time trying to give a false cure to life to others?
It is utterly stupid for the church to put their youth in a position of potential harm in the first place. The fact that there are so many cases like this, only proves that the authorities care more about numbers than they do the welfare of their people. Despicable.
Welcome officially to this sub, OP. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't even imagine, even with your details, how horrible that must have been. What sadistic comps. And your poor mom and family. I think you have something very, very valuable to share to others, to a wider audience. Mormon Stories with its wide reach, maybe? Or your own method. Please don't delete your post, either. People--prospective missionaries or their parents--need to see this and other stories like yours, even in a reddit search in 10 years, so that they can make informed decisions about serving a mission. Thank you for sharing. And I think lerpy is one of the best-used words in the English language when describing oneself.
The Church doesn't make efforts to make the mission a pleasant experience. That is by design: [The LDS Proselytizing Mission as Hazing - Sunstone](https://sunstone.org/mission-as-hazing/)
Great link! Thank you!
I’m sorry for what happened to you. Often life is cruel. Much respect to you and the other survivors amongst us.
I'd love to hear your full story on one of the Mormon podcasts.
Thank you so much for sharing. From one exmo Reddit stranger to another, I am fiercely proud of you for surviving such absolute hell, and for ultimately escaping and finding strength to share your experience. I can’t help but think of all of the self-righteous hypocrites within the church who bear ultimate responsibility for all of the evil you endured.
It's probably been very helpful for you to write this down and share with us all. Thanks for being vulnerable, and I'm sure you've helped others with similar experiences.
Missions are awful, and I’m still angry about mine, but yours is like the next level of messed up. What a horrific experience!
I am so sorry for what you went through! 😢I would also listen to your podcast, you didn’t deserve any of that abuse! It is crazy that a billion dollar corporation places its missionaries in such dangerous and careless circumstances…. They don’t really care much about missionaries and their safety and the garments don’t ‘protect’ the way people are brainwashed to believe they do…. You were coerced to go and are not to blame for what happened to you…. I have a nevermo friend here in California who is from Luhansk, and had to flee to Kyiv in the middle of the night in 2014 when Russia invaded there and her family lost everything…. Her parents again fled to Germany in February 2022 (she was working in the US at that point)…
I am in tears reading this. I believe you and I am so sorry this happened to you. I really hope that you have access to the support you need to heal from this. This is horrific to imagine anyone having to endure this and it hurts my heart to know that you had to. Sending you hopeful wishes of peace and healing.
This story felt like the worst case scenario for my own Mormon experience. Mormon me would have commended you for your faith to suffer so much for so long. I often wish I had a little less faith than I did.
I'm sorry for what you went through. I was a covid missionary in Ukraine and my experience was not as bad or extreme as yours, but was a very dark time for me as well. It put me through a lot of trauma and I feel very similar to you when thinking about my mission overall. I'm sorry you had to go through that and be haunted by those memories.😥
I am sorry you have to experience this kind of pain and hate. I hope you are out of this stupid and horrible cult called church.
This is just awful. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I had a companion on my mission whose younger sister was killed in a car accident. She only had a few months left to finish her mission and the AP’s talked her into staying and not going home for the funeral. To me that is extremely messed up. I’m sure she never had closure not going to the funeral and being there to say goodbye. I felt so bad for her. There is not a chance in hell I would have missed a family member’s funeral to stay on my mission.
I was in Japan and it was a utopia compared to what OP went through. Even so, for months I would fantasize about stepping in front of a speeding train and ending it all.
I’m sorry for what happened to you and grateful you shared. When you said the place and time I took a breath because I know two missionaries but one was older and one was younger so Ik you can’t be either of my friends. It is horrendous that the church puts young peoples lives at risk. I’ve known more than one. The more these stories are out (maybe wishful thinking) but the less they may happen in the future.
We welcome you with open arms and are so glad you’re here! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us and being so vulnerable. When you’ve experienced that level of cruelty and trauma it takes a huge amount of bravery to open up about it. I’d totally listen to your podcast; please come back and share when you’re ready.
Your experience sounds horrible. It may be helpful to get with a therapist to help process your pain.
I’m so sorry for the abuse you suffered. Validation is such an important step in the healing process. Share your story fat and wide. It’s also fascinating.
Can you follow up on the part about tricking you into drinking their pee? Sounds like a good old fashioned ass kicking might be in order for that one.
Well we were on lockdowns a few times, and one of the times our district decided we would all stay at the same apartment. We had made lemonade for dinner and my companion, without me and another Elder knowing (that Elder was the target) had peed in the lemonade. Anyway me and the target Elder both drank it. That particular city was absolutely terrible. Sisters were not allowed to serve there. A senior couple was assigned there while I was there and after a week they REFUSED to leave their apartment and demanded to return home because of how miserable they were. Mission president told them no. Mission presidents wife, asked if me and my comp would visit them every night to try to convince them to stay. They ended up leaving.
You survived Ukraine. Much respect. Best wishes to you going forward.
Ditto. Much respect. All the best in your healing journey.
That’s hands down the scariest account I’ve read and I’m so sorry that you experienced it. If you don’t decide to do your own podcast, I hope you’ll tell your story to Mormon Stories Podcast or RFM. I hope you will recover peace and joy in your heart, best wishes to you.
I spent so much time being terrified and anxious. I'm certain it aged me and hardened me as a person. And thank you.
This sounds like the mission trauma version of the 12 days of Christmas! 5 mission presidents 4 different missions 3 separate countries 2 years of “service” And a lifetime of trauma!
If you think reading your journal would help in processing your trauma, keep it. Otherwise, don’t open it and instead burn it.
My missionary journal is 30 years old- I think I’m brave enough to open it… soon… 🤦♀️
Its too bad Gawd chose to not alert his 'mouthpiece' on the earth a little prior to this dumpster fire of unpreparedness so as to handle logistics a tad mor professionally and SAFELY. What a crock of shit. I am sorry you had this experience, and may your trauma subside and ease as you seek competent assistance. NOT IN THE LDS COMMUNITY PLEASE?>
Luckily the mission president over the whole evacuation was the best I had my whole mission. It was complete chaos in the Kyiv mission though. Some places we had 12 missionaries assigned to a single branch.
I’m sorry for what happened to you and grateful you shared. When you said the place and time I took a breath because I know two missionaries but one was older and one was younger so Ik you can’t be either of my friends. It is horrendous that the church puts young peoples lives at risk. I’ve known more than one. The more these stories are out (maybe wishful thinking) but the less they may happen in the future.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your experience. I can't imagine the horror you enduree on a daily basis. I hope you do a couple of things: get some therapy to help you Dela with the trauma and then when you are ready, tell your story. All of it. Put the MFMC on blast for the shitty real estate investment firm they are. The only reason they send young kids on missions is the hope to psychologically enslave them for life, being tithe payers. If they happen to bring in any unsuspecting converts that's just the gravy. FUCK THAT CULT.
wow. i am so incredibly sorry for your pain. mormon missions have some of the most traumatized people i have ever seen and the church is unbelievably selfish in the fact it makes it’s CHILDREN suffer, guilt ridden, sick, emaciated, and abused with no real help. i had a childhood friend get back from a russia mission a few months ago and he is not the same at all. he was sent EVERYWHERE around that area. ukraine, slovenia, etc- especially the military and active war zones because he was a “humanitarian missionary” or whatever because he spoke the languages. he looks absolutely dead inside and so traumatized. he won’t talk about it at all. i actually went to his homecoming talk and he is completely blank faced like there’s no one left inside him. he doesn’t smile, laugh, or cry. he also lost about 90 pounds. the fact he paid thousands of dollars to psychologically and physically change him for the worse and people are CONGRATULATING HIM on “serving the lord and his church” is what is most heartbreaking. i am glad you shared your story, and i am wishing the best for you going forward.
I know other have mentioned contacting Mormon stories-type podcasts but honestly, even a non-Mormon centered podcast would probably consider your story. There's one called "This is Actually Happening" that's insanely popular that airs tragic and compelling stories a lot of the time and I've googled the people afterward and many people say how cathartic it was. You can stay anonymous, too. Best of luck with your healing 💙
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Idk if it meant anything back then, and my guess is that it probably doesn't mean anything now, but my mission was praying for you guys as we heard what little we could through the grapevine. We came home the same month and year. Feb 18 was when I came home. All 2 years of my mission I couldn't wait for that day. Somehow I still stayed somewhat active the next 6 or 7 years.
Haha thank you. It was such a wild time and was difficult to process. Couldn't believe it was happening to me and felt like a total nightmare. In many ways, my remaining mission in Santa Rosa CA was even worse. I think Feb 18 was the day I returned home as well?
My heart goes out to you. My mission was also agonizing yet in far better circumstances. I’m glad you made it out of your mission and out of the church! Especially great to read that you’ve connected with others from your mission who have also left 💗 it’s always wonderful to learn about that.
Im sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find a therapist and work through all this.
Thank you for sharing. I wish I could give you a hug. When you talked about your breakdown coming home, I had that. Growing up my mom would always have us wash our hand when we got home. It was a ritual we did, especially after church. So when I got home, I walked over to the sink and pumped my hands with soap and had the same melt down. I couldn’t stop crying and could not muster the energy to turn on the water to wash the soap off my hands. My dad had to come help me turn on the water. The mission was awful. Missions are fucked up. You should have never been put in harms way the way you did. You shouldn’t have been lied to and made to feel guilty for being gay. I hope you find a beautiful man who loves you for all of you one day.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that for many reasons this is difficult. I developed PTSD on my mission from the homophobia I experienced at the hands of my mission president, APs, and companions. You are not alone, and I hope that in sharing your story you find healing. My DMs are open if you need an ear.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope you find/have found some peace in the years since and have at least one safe person in your life who loves you and provides a safe place to land.
Donetsk, Ukraine 2007-2009 here. Hard mission then, it sounds like you had it even worse.
What cities did you serve in??
Every city in the mission, except Mariupol! Greenie in Kharkov Novi Doma, then Makeevka Zelyoni, then back to Kharkov in the Saltivka area, a couple transfers in the office, trained a greenie in Makeevka Center, the one transfer in Gorlivka, then back to Kharkov but in the central district (best area and best apartment in the mission), then Luhansk, and then finished my mission in Sumi. I did visit Mariupol as an office missionary and a zone leader, and I went to Kiev once to renew my visa. I didn't have it as bad as you in terms of being treated horribly for being queer and the mission closing due to war, but I can 100% relate to everything else you said. I was terrified most of my mission, constantly a target of drunks and criminals, and virtually nobody was interested in joining the church. Got terribly sick, lost most of the hearing in my left ear and other health problems that affect me to this day. I had to learn how to bury my emotions, project a tough image and be ready to fight for my self defense anytime I went on the street. Where did you serve?? Edit: >I kept a journal every. single. day. of my mission and I have not once opened it since. I'm terrified of reliving those nightmare 2 years. Same! I have never once read anything I wrote in my mission journal. Large amounts of sadness and trauma mixed with a few bright lights of wonderful people and experiences. I now mostly remember the few good things and want to leave everything else as a nightmare that's slowly fading a bit from my memory. Edit2: Also wanted to say, as you may know you were among the last of a long line of gay elders who served in Donetsk. What's interesting is just like you, all the elders I knew well enough told me that they believed/hoped/in some cases were promised that god would "cure" the gay away if they served faithfully. Also like you if people suspected they were less then 100% straight, they would be treated horribly. The only positive thing that came from this was when I saw how mormons who claimed to be and believed they were good and loving treated their brothers and sisters who were gay in some of the worst ways imaginable, it was simply too much for even my church-broke mind to accept as OK. Prop 8 was going on at the time, and it was the first time in my life I rejected something the church wanted me to believe. I resigned from the church 3 years after i got back from my mission, and in the letter I wrote the the church I explained I was doing it becasue their treatment of gay and other people who don't conform was evil and I would not be a part of it.
This was abuse Please contact mormon stories or radio free mormin to do a podcast
I'd rather go through marine corp bootcamp and four years of service than do a mission.
For years I had the recurring nightmare of being called on another mission.