Seriously. By the *fall they were born in* a young moose is between 250-400 lbs; a female would be on the smaller end of that spectrum. But even at that, one good blow and that fucker would be flying like a human cannonball.
Hey sometimes you can make it out alive after a run in and still have both nuts. I was hiking in glacier np and came around a blind corner about 15ft from a cow moose. I froze looked down and the only thing I remember thinking was "This is how I die". Then after about 30 seconds of her staring me down she hoped across the trail with her calf in tow and it felt like heart stopped. She stopped again turned, took one last look at me them headed off into the timber. I still can't believe I walked out of those woods that day in one piece, still with two nuts.
Dude that's legit the same thing I thought. "He put the chimp FIRST? I mean...he sure can't fuckin beat any of the others but, the chimp, in FIRST?!"
...I feel like there's so many horrifying stories that are well known to the mass public about chimps chewing people's whole faces off. Weird one to pick.
Maybe the OP's gray matter challenged boss was thinking of young chimps and not full grown male ones who haven't had their teeth filed down. Those adult chimps could make hamburger of Boss Man in short order.
I can forgive the anaconda. Out of all the animals that's the one I think I can beat... by running away from it. I can totally out run an anaconda. Now a cassowary, those have basically frickin knives on their feet and I am absolutely slower than them. No thank you.
Seriously. Moose are one of the scariest animals on land. One on one, they can one shot kill basically everything with legs. Like maybe grizzlies and polar bears could kill them IF the moose can’t land a single kick.
I didn't even know what a cassowary is. Apparently it's all the most dinosaur - like features of a turkey and emu smashed into one avian murder machine.
I used to live in Mission beach and Tully, (Qld Australia), they're fairly prevalent in that area and you just do not fuck with them.
Not only are they capable of kicking your asshole out through your mouth, they seem to quite willing to try.
They're cranky and territorial
Cassowary will fuck anyone up.
One kick to the stomach and he's disembowelled.
And then the chimp would rip his arm off and beat him to death.
Dave is an uneducated moron of the highest order
When I was 14, I worked in a pre-open zoo. We fed animals, cleaned cages and planted trees and flowers.
As stupid teenagers often do, one of our crew
Stuck a piece of wire through the enclosure of a baboon. The ban on was a very jealous male, with a particularly nasty disposition. So some of the guys liked getting the baboon riled up.
So he sticks the wire through, the baboon races towards the wire and with lightning speed, grabs the wire and pulls. My friend was yanked like a rag doll towards the cage and hit the cage…HARD! He was so freaked out about it, that he never went near the animals again. The strength that baboon exhibited, s was nothing short of amazing.
Never, ever fuck with a baboon , or a chimp.
As ridiculous as his win column is, I kinda wanna see him face off against his maybe column, particularly either the cougar or moose, I'm thinking moose.
I wanna see the look in his eyes when he realizes how big they actually are.
Seriously, those things destroy cars just through their sheer fucking weight. The idea that you could ever hope to fight one unarmed is hilarious. This guy doesn't know anything about what moose.
I would legit pay real good money to see him work his way through this list in a series of PPV's. I mean it would be short because he would be dead. But still.
Right? Knows he'd lose to a buffalo, but moose is a maybe?! A fucking maybe?! The only way I'd rather fight a moose over a buffalo is to make the death quicker.
After making fun of this list for a while, I wonder if some of it is due to animal coverage on things like animal planet or what not. I've seen stuff about Buffalo but nothing about moose, like I legit knew a bunch about them but I did learn about thier 360 degree ability to kick because of this post.
So I looked it up as beside a moose a horse looks like a pony, and wanted to see if they kick like horses and it's so much worse.
Moose are very limber animals with highly flexible joints and sharp, pointed hooves, and are capable of kicking with both front and back legs. Unlike other large, hooved mammals, such as horses, moose can kick in all directions including sideways.
Imagine being side kicked to oblivion by a four legged animal.
In a battle between most \*cars\* & a moose, the car doesn't win. It might be a draw, but a moose is far larger than most people think. Moose vs human isn't even going to be close!
I’ve come across two moose in the wild, both of them cows. Both of them completely towered over me and could have easily charged and killed me if they wanted. You’ve gotta be fucking delusional to think you could stand a chance against an animal which usually isn’t even killed by vehicles that run into it.
Cougar IF they see it coming, are in peak physical condition, are above average size for a human, and the cougar is on the lower end of the size department.
This guy really thinks he could kill an anaconda. Those things constrict with a force of 90 psi, which is about the equivalent of an elephant sitting on top of you. What would his first move even be in this fight?
Don't even get me started on cassowary claws
He's thinking he'll slowly develop a trust with the moose over say 20 or 30 years, infiltrate the moose culture, assimilate until they don't even know he's not a moose, learn their political ways, find out their skeletons and then have the moose take his own life due to threats of blackmail.
I think the fact that he thinks he can win against a GODDAMNED FREAKING BOAR
Like nah dude, one you wouldn’t have a grip anywhere on that mass of muscle and two, those things are hella aggressive, way too fast and have a mind for murder like it’s nobody’s business
I would pay good money to this alpha battle a baboon. He would rip this assholes arm off with minimal effort and beat him to death with them. I mean a wolf😂. These are the same type of morons that tweet about civil war in their mini van at the McDonald’s drive thru.
And that's 7 feet *to the shoulders*, which is fairly small for a full-grown moose. I live in moose country, and not only are they *enormous*, they are ornery AF and hate everything. Car accidents involving moose are often fatal, not because they're large, but because they're so *tall.* Even in a small or midsized SUV, an adult moose is tall enough that the body of the car goes through its legs while the body of the *moose* shears off the top of the car and everything inside. Moose are terrifying.
I lived in Wyoming for a number of years and would occasionally see them. I always tell people, if you've never seen a moose in real life, however big you think they are... they are much bigger
Agreed, their core strength is next level and depending what wolf, but a grey alpha can bite through a man’s shin bone in one bite. I only know this cos I photographed some and the guide included that fact in the safety briefing. This idiot is dreaming.
There are no alphas or betas in a Wolf pack. The naturalist who proposed the notion did not know that the packs he was observing when he formulated this theory were multi generational families. The ”alpha” was the father, interacting with children.
In packs that were more heterogenous, the same kinds of dominance and submission behaviors behaviors were nearly non existent, except for when there were actual challenges — and the winner of the “challenge” is nearly always the one with stronger bonds to other pack members.
>grey alpha
Not trying to be a dick but alphas don't exist, not even among wolves. The guy who came up with alphas spent the rest of his life trying to fix his mistake after realizing he was wrong but people kept using it anyway.
Once we trapped a feral sow and a bunch of piglets in a hog trap. People where I live trap them and sell them for fancy restaurants in Europe. Anyway we had blocked off the sow and I was going to step in and grab a couple piglets to take home and fatten up. They weighed less than 10 pounds. So I put my foot in and about 1/2 a dozen baby pigs swarmed my leg and shredded my jeans and the leather tops on my boots. I was lucky I had the boots on. Even a small boar can gut you like a fish.
I live in Texas and know the same type guys. Many have “armor” for their dogs made of boiled leather. They still lose dogs sometimes. Dave is fucked. Lol
The absolute damage an enraged Chimpanzee can unleash on a human is amazing. Within seconds a chimp can remove pounds of skin and flesh, I don't recommend Googling it.
Man has 1 advantage, we have bigger brains; which means we wouldn’t be so foolish as to lock into 1 on 1 combat with a physically superior enemy…well, most of us…
One time a baboon beat the shit out of my father in law for some Oreos. We kept yelling, “Give him the Oreos!!” but he was stubborn until the biting started. Luckily it was a glancing bite and didn’t break the skin and baboon took the Oreos and left.
I was in Africa walking by myself like an idiot and eating an apple. A baboon stepped out from behind some vegetation, bared its teeth at me, and stuck his hand out. I handed him the apple and he walked away with it. Got mugged by a baboon
Baboons are definitely bad but they’re not the size of adult humans. The largest ones are child size and weigh under 100lbs. Chimp on the other hand is basically the size of a smaller adult human being except way stronger than the person of that size. If I absolutely HAD to choose I’m picking baboon every time. That said I’m running away from both of them and throwing shit at them lol I’m not stupid and egotistical enough to think I could easily take either on.
Buddy of mine, stone sober at the time, looks me dead in the eye and said "I couldn't win an unarmed fight with a bear, but if I had any weapon, even a hunting knife, I could kill it. Easy". He was 40 years old at the time.
A guy in my hometown got attacked by a grizzly and killed it with his hunting knife. Definitely not easy though, he was a mess and they had to airlift him out
Basically they both lost the fight, but that guy had other humans to keep him from dying. Idk, I don't think humans can win that fight, really.
Though, I do remember a dude who fought a polar bear in the Arctic ... I forgot the details on that, but I'm sure he got mauled in the fight too
I heard about an old Inuit tradition years ago. If they were trapped away from shelter and chased by a polar bear, their strategy was to continually side step the polar bear and make progress towards shelter. If they had a blunt instrument handy, they would also try to hit it on the had as they side stepped it.
Jesus. If any of my buddies said that I'd be like let's go for a walk in the woods bud. I'll let you have my hunting knife, but I'm bringing my rifle, ya know, on the off chance you don't win. What a Muppet.
For real. Shit man you can have a machete if you want but I will have my 870 with some black magic slugs… and a big ass can of bear spray. And I will also be watching from 40 feet, that fight is on you bud, not me.
Haha, buddy, there's a typo in your comment. You accidentally put a 0 after the four.
You made it seem like a forty year old man actually said that.
Haha...
Bud?
...
Buddy?
I just had to stop at chimp, this guy is clueless. An adult male chimp would tare him limb from limb , an adult male gorilla would use him as toilet paper.
You guys are reading some of these wrong and criticizing this guy...
Bobcat (Goldthwait) - win
Wolf (Blitzer) - win
Large Dog (the Bounty Hunter) - win
Cougar (older woman from the bar) - maybe
Ana Condo (some chick named Ana who lives in his condo) - win
Chimps are fucking methodical. Eyes/face so you can’t see, fingers/hands so you can’t fight, genitals so you can’t reproduce.
Your boss is smoking crack lol
Can’t speak for the fingers/genitals attacks, but I’ve definitely read about how they have a tendency to go right for the eyes if left undefended.
It makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, given that an instinctual urge to blind your opponent will absolutely give your species an evolutionary advantage over those that don’t naturally go right for the face.
they can also be incredibly *MEAN* and territorial. a moose would trample him to death, go eat some leaves, then trample his body for a while just because.
moose are fucking gigantic and psychotic. ive been within arms distance of a moose in the wild while canoeing and it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
Far cry 3 and CasualGeographic taught me to never fuck around with those things, I don't even live anywhere near a country that has those fuck murderous extendochickens
I think a fit human adult could reasonably beat a bobcat, and if you cheat a little you can pick a small species of kangaroo (although the emotional toll of beating up a cute little defenseless kangaroo may be too great). Everything else would wipe the floor with him.
I agree it would suck to have to fight a bobcat and it would likely have you bloody and rushing to the hospital to get stitches and disinfect all of your bite and scratch marks but there is a reason they don’t typically attack humans. Adult male bobcats range in size from 6-18kg and females range 4-15kg so the largest in the normal range would be 18kg or around 40lbs.
I’m only pointing this out because I think a lot of people have a cougar sized animal in their heads when they think of a bobcat, we have them in our neighborhood and they will just hunt rabbits and small dogs but will never bother people.
I think the wolverine would win. My grandfather grew up in northern Scandinavia, wolverine country, he would tell stories of them killing for sport or to eat later. Basically a quick attack and then follow you until you bled out. They would put coke (the fuel, like hard charcoal) in their boots as the wolverine would commonly attack, bite until it heard bone breaking and then withdraw and wait for your death.
I'm tall, relatively strong, with over a decade of martial arts training. I can handle myself in a fight, I have good balance, good awareness, greater than average martial prowess.
I *MIGHT* stand a chance fighting a bobcat. I would probably be able to fight a large dog, but I don't know if I could bring myself to hurt one in the first place, even in a fight to the death. I like dogs.
My point is, out of all the animals being listed, the only one I am sure I could easily kill with my bare hands is your boss.
I mean, if my life is at stake, so do I. I don't want to fight any of these animals, but out of all of them, bobcats are the smallest. If I didn't bleed out first, I could probably strangle or smother it.
I appreciate your candor, but I think you might be selling yourself a bit short. Unless you really fuck it up (and assuming some of that martial arts training is striking based rather than grappling based), you should definitely win against a bobcat.
The rest of it though… yeah, the dude is unhinged. I also like how they’re all singular except he apparently thinks he could successfully fight all cassowaries at once?
He's not winning any of those, especially not a chimpanzee....
I'll MAYBE give him a bobcat....maybe.
Edit Jesus I just read the maybe column what a moron.
The chimp is the first thing on his list and that scares the hell out of me.
I used to work maintenance for a local theme park that also happened to have a chimpanzee in a custom built habitat on the premises. When the Air Conditioner broke down one time I was asked to look at the unit and determine if we would need to bring in an AC guy to fix it or if I could handle it myself.
The animals handler warned me not to get to close to the inner wall because she could reach through her bars quite a way, basically all the way to her shoulder. I took this warning very seriously and stayed with my back pressed against the outer fence as I side stepped over to the AC unit. But I couldn't both remain at maximum separation from the animals cage and also look at the unit, and the chimp was on the far side of her habitat so I relaxed a little and leaned over the unit to start removing the cover on the side of it.
But as soon as I had my back turned she silently leapt across her habitat in two huge bounds and had thrust her arm through the bars and grabbed at me. She had missed me, but grabbed my t shirt. I managed to grab hold of the outer fence to keep her from pulling me towards the cage but she ripped that shirt off of me like it was made of toilet paper rather than cotton.
TLDR: Chimps are very strong and very fast. Stronger and faster than me, an average adult male.
Wild boars are famously _crazy_. So are wolverines. Animals in his Lose column don't like to mess with them because it's not worth being horribly injured fighting one.
My name is Dave and reading this makes me ashamed to share a name with this dude. Like...maybe kill an alligator or moose or elk? Gtfo...no matter what he did to any of those animals, they'd shake it off like a mosquito bite and proceed to ruin his life.
The only thing that should be on the "win" side is a rabbit. All of those others would kill you. Animals have near super powers relative to their size. Humans are essentially walking water balloons.
Sounds like Dave has no fucking idea what a chimp is
Lmao Dude has moose in the maybe section.
His total knowledge of moose comes from Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Even a juvenile female moose would send that dude flying like a bowling pin. I want that fight to happen more than anything else in my life right now
Seriously. By the *fall they were born in* a young moose is between 250-400 lbs; a female would be on the smaller end of that spectrum. But even at that, one good blow and that fucker would be flying like a human cannonball.
And Komodo dragons have venomous bites. This guy should charge admission, plenty of people would pay to see this circus.
Definitely betting on the moose, the elk, and the cougar Edit to add: I’m betting on everything against Dave
I got a mil on the chimp
I’m ngl moose don’t mess around, that shit will kill you. He thinks highly of himself putting a moose in “maybe”.
And a Komodo Dragon! “Uh, No Dave, No!”
“But it was only a small bite. Nothing to worry about.”
“Just a knick, i’m fine!”
Tis but a flesh wound!
People think seeing a moose with a calf in your backyard is cool. That’s a damn near emergency situation.
Between running into a Moose and calf in the wilderness and cutting off one testicle, I'm gonna go with loosin a nut. I can survive one nut.
Hey sometimes you can make it out alive after a run in and still have both nuts. I was hiking in glacier np and came around a blind corner about 15ft from a cow moose. I froze looked down and the only thing I remember thinking was "This is how I die". Then after about 30 seconds of her staring me down she hoped across the trail with her calf in tow and it felt like heart stopped. She stopped again turned, took one last look at me them headed off into the timber. I still can't believe I walked out of those woods that day in one piece, still with two nuts.
They could kill you AND NOT NOTICE
It was the most horrific event in Dave’s entire life, but for the moose, it was just another Wednesday.
"Did I forget to turn off the stove? . . . Wait. Is that blood on my hoof?"
My man thinks very highly of himself if he thinks he can beat a deer let alone a moose
All these animals will kill him. I wish I had the money to make it happen
I came to talk about chimps. This guy is an idiot. A chimp can rip a person’s arm off. Hahahahaha
Same haha that and has this man ever seen a moose? They’re the size of a damn truck
Not only is chimp on the win list, IT'S FIRST. It was the first animal he thought of when thinking about animals he could beat!
Dude that's legit the same thing I thought. "He put the chimp FIRST? I mean...he sure can't fuckin beat any of the others but, the chimp, in FIRST?!" ...I feel like there's so many horrifying stories that are well known to the mass public about chimps chewing people's whole faces off. Weird one to pick.
Maybe the OP's gray matter challenged boss was thinking of young chimps and not full grown male ones who haven't had their teeth filed down. Those adult chimps could make hamburger of Boss Man in short order.
Looks like dave has no fucking idea who a cassowary is
Are we just going to ignore the anaconda?
I can forgive the anaconda. Out of all the animals that's the one I think I can beat... by running away from it. I can totally out run an anaconda. Now a cassowary, those have basically frickin knives on their feet and I am absolutely slower than them. No thank you.
My man also has Moose in maybe. This guy has no fucking concept of threat assessment. Edit: I love that we’ve all embraced their Moosey Fate”
Full grown bullmoose is HUGE and can easily crush every bone on your bodies
Seriously. Moose are one of the scariest animals on land. One on one, they can one shot kill basically everything with legs. Like maybe grizzlies and polar bears could kill them IF the moose can’t land a single kick.
Maybe Dave is relying on the element of surprise
Is he gonna sneak up on a moose? Have seen a horse kick someone? Now add up to 25% in size and gigantic spikes coming out of it’s head.
Well considering he doesn’t know to capitalize his own name…
And speaks of himself in the third person… And who says to themselves “oh I could def take a cassowary”???
People who, shortly after, were disemboweled by a cassowary
I didn't even know what a cassowary is. Apparently it's all the most dinosaur - like features of a turkey and emu smashed into one avian murder machine.
I used to live in Mission beach and Tully, (Qld Australia), they're fairly prevalent in that area and you just do not fuck with them. Not only are they capable of kicking your asshole out through your mouth, they seem to quite willing to try. They're cranky and territorial
Cassowary will fuck anyone up. One kick to the stomach and he's disembowelled. And then the chimp would rip his arm off and beat him to death. Dave is an uneducated moron of the highest order
Right?! Even Aussies don’t fuck with the cassowary
Nor a baboon lol. Half of the "win" column would rip his face and gonads off before he even swung.
When I was 14, I worked in a pre-open zoo. We fed animals, cleaned cages and planted trees and flowers. As stupid teenagers often do, one of our crew Stuck a piece of wire through the enclosure of a baboon. The ban on was a very jealous male, with a particularly nasty disposition. So some of the guys liked getting the baboon riled up. So he sticks the wire through, the baboon races towards the wire and with lightning speed, grabs the wire and pulls. My friend was yanked like a rag doll towards the cage and hit the cage…HARD! He was so freaked out about it, that he never went near the animals again. The strength that baboon exhibited, s was nothing short of amazing. Never, ever fuck with a baboon , or a chimp.
This is incredible. I can't even pick which animal selection is the most ridiculous
As ridiculous as his win column is, I kinda wanna see him face off against his maybe column, particularly either the cougar or moose, I'm thinking moose. I wanna see the look in his eyes when he realizes how big they actually are.
I was leaning toward the moose being one of the most entertaining as far as him thinking he has a chance
I've been charged by a grown male moose once, that shit was terrifying. No way in hell a man is taking that on without a weapon.
Seriously, those things destroy cars just through their sheer fucking weight. The idea that you could ever hope to fight one unarmed is hilarious. This guy doesn't know anything about what moose.
Honestly, I wouldn't want to fight one armed either
what about two arms? and a leg?
Those things are like horse shaped elephants.
I thought wolverine was up there but moose? Like i don't think this guy understands the size.of a moose
I would legit pay real good money to see him work his way through this list in a series of PPV's. I mean it would be short because he would be dead. But still.
I mentioned in another comment that if only cloning people was a thing, and it seems like this is the solution for you as well!
Right? Knows he'd lose to a buffalo, but moose is a maybe?! A fucking maybe?! The only way I'd rather fight a moose over a buffalo is to make the death quicker.
After making fun of this list for a while, I wonder if some of it is due to animal coverage on things like animal planet or what not. I've seen stuff about Buffalo but nothing about moose, like I legit knew a bunch about them but I did learn about thier 360 degree ability to kick because of this post.
Man, moose are fucking AGGRESSIVE. Like a 13-year-old grinding his way into manhood at his bar mitzvah on the dance floor aggressive.
I rolled my eyes at his win column but I had to actually laugh when I saw moose on his “maybe” list. What a delusional human being.
I wanna see him try to fight a horse. 
So I looked it up as beside a moose a horse looks like a pony, and wanted to see if they kick like horses and it's so much worse. Moose are very limber animals with highly flexible joints and sharp, pointed hooves, and are capable of kicking with both front and back legs. Unlike other large, hooved mammals, such as horses, moose can kick in all directions including sideways. Imagine being side kicked to oblivion by a four legged animal.
Holy fuck that’s glorious
Shit, I'd love to see his plan on how to deal with the death roll of a 500 pound alligator.
In a battle between most \*cars\* & a moose, the car doesn't win. It might be a draw, but a moose is far larger than most people think. Moose vs human isn't even going to be close!
I’ve come across two moose in the wild, both of them cows. Both of them completely towered over me and could have easily charged and killed me if they wanted. You’ve gotta be fucking delusional to think you could stand a chance against an animal which usually isn’t even killed by vehicles that run into it.
Nah, i want him to fight a komodo dragon
Cougar IF they see it coming, are in peak physical condition, are above average size for a human, and the cougar is on the lower end of the size department.
Anyone who's been attacked by a 12lb housecat would think twice about squaring off against a 150lb cat.
For me it's a tie between almost all of the ones in win, and the fucking maybe section. Have you seen a moose? They're like 9 feet tall sometimes.
This guy really thinks he could kill an anaconda. Those things constrict with a force of 90 psi, which is about the equivalent of an elephant sitting on top of you. What would his first move even be in this fight? Don't even get me started on cassowary claws
He's thinking he'll slowly develop a trust with the moose over say 20 or 30 years, infiltrate the moose culture, assimilate until they don't even know he's not a moose, learn their political ways, find out their skeletons and then have the moose take his own life due to threats of blackmail.
I think the fact that he thinks he can win against a GODDAMNED FREAKING BOAR Like nah dude, one you wouldn’t have a grip anywhere on that mass of muscle and two, those things are hella aggressive, way too fast and have a mind for murder like it’s nobody’s business
I would pay good money to this alpha battle a baboon. He would rip this assholes arm off with minimal effort and beat him to death with them. I mean a wolf😂. These are the same type of morons that tweet about civil war in their mini van at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I will pay $500 cdn to see your boss fight a cassowary.
We should crowd-fund this. Anybody know a zoo with cassoaries and shady ethics?
Send him to North Queensland, they live there. Don’t worry about a return ticket.
Put me down for $300. I wanna see that.
Put me down for a cool 350
Shit count me in, I’ll put 300 down to see him fight almost any of these animals
Something tells me this gofundme would raise a lot of money
The fact that chimp is #1 in the Win column is amazing.
The fact that moose is even in the maybe column is astounding
Yeah i dont think anyone on earth is beating a 7ft tall tank with head swords in a fight
And that's 7 feet *to the shoulders*, which is fairly small for a full-grown moose. I live in moose country, and not only are they *enormous*, they are ornery AF and hate everything. Car accidents involving moose are often fatal, not because they're large, but because they're so *tall.* Even in a small or midsized SUV, an adult moose is tall enough that the body of the car goes through its legs while the body of the *moose* shears off the top of the car and everything inside. Moose are terrifying.
I lived in Wyoming for a number of years and would occasionally see them. I always tell people, if you've never seen a moose in real life, however big you think they are... they are much bigger
Saw one as tall (including the antlers) as the school bus we were on in Alaska.
An adult chimp could destroy nearly every living human and it's not close.
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like that one weapon from Terraria that’s just flat-out a severed zombie arm
Agreed, their core strength is next level and depending what wolf, but a grey alpha can bite through a man’s shin bone in one bite. I only know this cos I photographed some and the guide included that fact in the safety briefing. This idiot is dreaming.
Wolves are significantly larger than most people imagine and I hesitate to even think I could fend one off if it tried to kill me.
There are no alphas or betas in a Wolf pack. The naturalist who proposed the notion did not know that the packs he was observing when he formulated this theory were multi generational families. The ”alpha” was the father, interacting with children. In packs that were more heterogenous, the same kinds of dominance and submission behaviors behaviors were nearly non existent, except for when there were actual challenges — and the winner of the “challenge” is nearly always the one with stronger bonds to other pack members.
>grey alpha Not trying to be a dick but alphas don't exist, not even among wolves. The guy who came up with alphas spent the rest of his life trying to fix his mistake after realizing he was wrong but people kept using it anyway.
Yep, one ripped or bit a poor womans face off....
That one was also on Xanax, so yeah....
And breasts. Chimps fucking dont play.
And how bout that anaconda and baboon! Oh and maybe a moose, FFS
Chimps hunt AND eat gorillas……
What about the boar they are craze strong if im right
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Once we trapped a feral sow and a bunch of piglets in a hog trap. People where I live trap them and sell them for fancy restaurants in Europe. Anyway we had blocked off the sow and I was going to step in and grab a couple piglets to take home and fatten up. They weighed less than 10 pounds. So I put my foot in and about 1/2 a dozen baby pigs swarmed my leg and shredded my jeans and the leather tops on my boots. I was lucky I had the boots on. Even a small boar can gut you like a fish.
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I live in Texas and know the same type guys. Many have “armor” for their dogs made of boiled leather. They still lose dogs sometimes. Dave is fucked. Lol
A chimp will rip your face off and wear it as mask just so it can fuck your wife.
The absolute damage an enraged Chimpanzee can unleash on a human is amazing. Within seconds a chimp can remove pounds of skin and flesh, I don't recommend Googling it.
Man has 1 advantage, we have bigger brains; which means we wouldn’t be so foolish as to lock into 1 on 1 combat with a physically superior enemy…well, most of us…
Baboons are soooo much more vicious! And those teeth!? Forget about it
One time a baboon beat the shit out of my father in law for some Oreos. We kept yelling, “Give him the Oreos!!” but he was stubborn until the biting started. Luckily it was a glancing bite and didn’t break the skin and baboon took the Oreos and left.
I was in Africa walking by myself like an idiot and eating an apple. A baboon stepped out from behind some vegetation, bared its teeth at me, and stuck his hand out. I handed him the apple and he walked away with it. Got mugged by a baboon
What did I just read
Baboons are definitely bad but they’re not the size of adult humans. The largest ones are child size and weigh under 100lbs. Chimp on the other hand is basically the size of a smaller adult human being except way stronger than the person of that size. If I absolutely HAD to choose I’m picking baboon every time. That said I’m running away from both of them and throwing shit at them lol I’m not stupid and egotistical enough to think I could easily take either on.
Obviously hasn’t seen Nope
Buddy of mine, stone sober at the time, looks me dead in the eye and said "I couldn't win an unarmed fight with a bear, but if I had any weapon, even a hunting knife, I could kill it. Easy". He was 40 years old at the time.
A guy in my hometown got attacked by a grizzly and killed it with his hunting knife. Definitely not easy though, he was a mess and they had to airlift him out
Basically they both lost the fight, but that guy had other humans to keep him from dying. Idk, I don't think humans can win that fight, really. Though, I do remember a dude who fought a polar bear in the Arctic ... I forgot the details on that, but I'm sure he got mauled in the fight too
If you’re thinking of the fella from a year or two ago who got his whole face slapped off, his son shot it a few times.
Yeah when you're having to get people to block your airways so you don't choke on bits of your flayed face... You did not win that fight.
I heard about an old Inuit tradition years ago. If they were trapped away from shelter and chased by a polar bear, their strategy was to continually side step the polar bear and make progress towards shelter. If they had a blunt instrument handy, they would also try to hit it on the had as they side stepped it.
Jesus. If any of my buddies said that I'd be like let's go for a walk in the woods bud. I'll let you have my hunting knife, but I'm bringing my rifle, ya know, on the off chance you don't win. What a Muppet.
For real. Shit man you can have a machete if you want but I will have my 870 with some black magic slugs… and a big ass can of bear spray. And I will also be watching from 40 feet, that fight is on you bud, not me.
Haha, buddy, there's a typo in your comment. You accidentally put a 0 after the four. You made it seem like a forty year old man actually said that. Haha... Bud? ... Buddy?
i think a four year old would recognize a bear is signifactly larger than them
This is a man who has not seen a wild boar.
There’s a reason they put them in games as enemies lol
Stab a boar with a spear and that mother will slide up the shaft to gore you!!!
It's literally the entire reason boar spears exist and have a giant fucking crossguard.
Kangaroo? Chimp? Boar? I want to see that. Tell him to film it for you to watch at his funeral.
This is why we need cloning technology, so we can put him in a ring with every one of these animals and make a hilarous montage at his funeral!
If he win any of the fights, then he gets to survive.
Nah he's gotta be above 50 percent, of the animals he said he would win against.
I just had to stop at chimp, this guy is clueless. An adult male chimp would tare him limb from limb , an adult male gorilla would use him as toilet paper.
And it wouldn’t even be trying or angry. Has this dude ever left the office and actually seen any wild animals?
My man has never seen a full grown wolf, it seems.
I'm not convinced he's seen any of these animals.
You guys are reading some of these wrong and criticizing this guy... Bobcat (Goldthwait) - win Wolf (Blitzer) - win Large Dog (the Bounty Hunter) - win Cougar (older woman from the bar) - maybe Ana Condo (some chick named Ana who lives in his condo) - win
He admits he'd lose to Bear (Gryllys), Tiger (Woods) and Lion (McPoyle)
There’s no way I’d be able to beat Tiger. Did you see that hole-in-one he made a while back? Hot damn!
I dunno, man…. I think I’d rather fight an actual bobcat than Bobcat Goldthwait. That dude just sits in rooms full of teargas for fun.
Chimps are fucking methodical. Eyes/face so you can’t see, fingers/hands so you can’t fight, genitals so you can’t reproduce. Your boss is smoking crack lol
I’m just laughing so hard right now. Thank you
Wait, do they really target areas with strategy? That's fucking wild, and even more terrifying than I thought they were
Can’t speak for the fingers/genitals attacks, but I’ve definitely read about how they have a tendency to go right for the eyes if left undefended. It makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, given that an instinctual urge to blind your opponent will absolutely give your species an evolutionary advantage over those that don’t naturally go right for the face.
I want footage of the day he "maybe's" a fucking Moose...
I like how he thinks there's a chance he could beat a moose. Maybe a yearling, but a full-grown moose good luck bud.
Tell me you've never seen a moose without telling you've never seen a moose
This man is suffering from a severe Lack of Canadian experience.
I googled it, they weight up to 700kg’s that’s like 8 adult humans 😂
they can also be incredibly *MEAN* and territorial. a moose would trample him to death, go eat some leaves, then trample his body for a while just because. moose are fucking gigantic and psychotic. ive been within arms distance of a moose in the wild while canoeing and it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
Cassowaries in the “Win” section, ROFL. This guy had never ever seen a cassowary I guess...
Murder chicken deserves its reputation
Far cry 3 and CasualGeographic taught me to never fuck around with those things, I don't even live anywhere near a country that has those fuck murderous extendochickens
I do….and generally they are quite shy….until it’s cornered or threatened
Seriously, those things are nasty. I don't think any human would stand a chance
He'd trip on his own guts after it opens him up. Their claws are nuts.
Admittedly, I didn’t know what a cassowary was. But a quick google search and the word “disembowel” made me think that Dave would not, in fact, win.
Fucking Jurassic park looking motherfuckers
Every single one of those animals would destroy him completely. Unless he is built like an actual gorilla.
I think a fit human adult could reasonably beat a bobcat, and if you cheat a little you can pick a small species of kangaroo (although the emotional toll of beating up a cute little defenseless kangaroo may be too great). Everything else would wipe the floor with him.
Kangaroos are really strong
And they have huge claws. They’re known to headlock their adversaries and tear up their throats.
They also could probably kick right through your torso if they wanted to.
Yep even the small ones. Skippy will jump you and slice you if it so pleases
You MAY win against a Bobcat….. but like…. At what cost?
I agree it would suck to have to fight a bobcat and it would likely have you bloody and rushing to the hospital to get stitches and disinfect all of your bite and scratch marks but there is a reason they don’t typically attack humans. Adult male bobcats range in size from 6-18kg and females range 4-15kg so the largest in the normal range would be 18kg or around 40lbs. I’m only pointing this out because I think a lot of people have a cougar sized animal in their heads when they think of a bobcat, we have them in our neighborhood and they will just hunt rabbits and small dogs but will never bother people.
Given how absurd the rest of that list is I’m inclined to believe when he wrote bobcat her meant the construction vehicle
I decided to make the same list with the same animals but for me. Win: Bobcat, Maybe: Wolverine, dog, Lose: Everything else
I think the wolverine would win. My grandfather grew up in northern Scandinavia, wolverine country, he would tell stories of them killing for sport or to eat later. Basically a quick attack and then follow you until you bled out. They would put coke (the fuel, like hard charcoal) in their boots as the wolverine would commonly attack, bite until it heard bone breaking and then withdraw and wait for your death.
The baboon would rip his arms off and beat him to death with them.
They also have massive fangs. I assume he does not know this.
I assume he does not know much.
Like what is the gameplan for fighting the anaconda?
My thought exactly! What’s he going to do? Coax it into a ball and light it up?!
Choke it on the way down
I got a hold of it! It's trying to wrap itself around me, but it didn't count on my strategy of me wrapping around it!
Right off the bat, a chimp…his first on the list, would annihilate any human. Rip his face off in seconds.
He probably only knows these animals from Disney animation movies.
I'm tall, relatively strong, with over a decade of martial arts training. I can handle myself in a fight, I have good balance, good awareness, greater than average martial prowess. I *MIGHT* stand a chance fighting a bobcat. I would probably be able to fight a large dog, but I don't know if I could bring myself to hurt one in the first place, even in a fight to the death. I like dogs. My point is, out of all the animals being listed, the only one I am sure I could easily kill with my bare hands is your boss.
Lmao. I wish I had an award for you. Take my upvote.
Animals don’t fight fair. They use teeth and claws :(
I mean, if my life is at stake, so do I. I don't want to fight any of these animals, but out of all of them, bobcats are the smallest. If I didn't bleed out first, I could probably strangle or smother it.
I appreciate your candor, but I think you might be selling yourself a bit short. Unless you really fuck it up (and assuming some of that martial arts training is striking based rather than grappling based), you should definitely win against a bobcat. The rest of it though… yeah, the dude is unhinged. I also like how they’re all singular except he apparently thinks he could successfully fight all cassowaries at once?
 ^(your) boss?
[удалено]
This is the most salient question
Bro kudos on the underutilized word salient
He's not winning any of those, especially not a chimpanzee.... I'll MAYBE give him a bobcat....maybe. Edit Jesus I just read the maybe column what a moron.
Bitch you ain’t beating a chimp in hand to hand.
What episode of Its Always Sunny is this?
lol dude a Moose would crush that guys nuts into atomic dust.
I can't stop thinking about this. I wish he could fight every one of them and die over and over again.
The chimp is the first thing on his list and that scares the hell out of me. I used to work maintenance for a local theme park that also happened to have a chimpanzee in a custom built habitat on the premises. When the Air Conditioner broke down one time I was asked to look at the unit and determine if we would need to bring in an AC guy to fix it or if I could handle it myself. The animals handler warned me not to get to close to the inner wall because she could reach through her bars quite a way, basically all the way to her shoulder. I took this warning very seriously and stayed with my back pressed against the outer fence as I side stepped over to the AC unit. But I couldn't both remain at maximum separation from the animals cage and also look at the unit, and the chimp was on the far side of her habitat so I relaxed a little and leaned over the unit to start removing the cover on the side of it. But as soon as I had my back turned she silently leapt across her habitat in two huge bounds and had thrust her arm through the bars and grabbed at me. She had missed me, but grabbed my t shirt. I managed to grab hold of the outer fence to keep her from pulling me towards the cage but she ripped that shirt off of me like it was made of toilet paper rather than cotton. TLDR: Chimps are very strong and very fast. Stronger and faster than me, an average adult male.
This is a very dead MF’er
He clearly has no idea what a moose looks like. Or a wild boar.
Wild boars are famously _crazy_. So are wolverines. Animals in his Lose column don't like to mess with them because it's not worth being horribly injured fighting one.
My name is Dave and reading this makes me ashamed to share a name with this dude. Like...maybe kill an alligator or moose or elk? Gtfo...no matter what he did to any of those animals, they'd shake it off like a mosquito bite and proceed to ruin his life.
First in the win column is a Chimp… does he not fucking know how overly aggressive they are? They’re the most aggressive primate there is.
He.... doesn't *know* much at all.
A chimp would rip his face off. Literally.
The only thing that should be on the "win" side is a rabbit. All of those others would kill you. Animals have near super powers relative to their size. Humans are essentially walking water balloons.
have you seen monty python and the holy grail? Those bunnies are treacherous
All of those animals have killed bigger, stronger People. Chimps seems to have a habit of ripping peoples faces off Edit for bad grammar