It feels quite generic. As a reader I'd want to know what sets this world apart from the others. Following the villains is definitely a unique spin but with loyalty and betrayal being such a common theme, it makes it hard to distinguish what's unique about the story aside from that.
I feel like the first sentence isn't needed either. I feel like it reads better starting with "His rule was just..." rather than "There was once a wise king...".
Is it better like this?
His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring.
The banished prince wished for undeserved power, the princess burned with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supported her loved ones in their villainy.
This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish.
“Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
Not particularly. I always give the same advice in these situations. Your blurb should be 1-2 paragraphs. Start with a sentence that establishes the main character and the setting (briefly!). Then pose their problem/want in life. Then allude to what is getting in their way, what conflict/complication arises. Maybe even give them a vague prediction about the climax. The end.
Too many people include these froo-froo blurbs and don’t understand what a blurb is for. You’re not trying to summarize the story, or even really tell your reader what the story is about. You want to hook them, give them just enough information, promise them enough of an exciting story, that they open up your book and see what it’s all about.
No, it’s not. Give names. Define actors beyond what sounds like some of the most generic level motives possible (vengeance! power!). Meat for people to sink their teeth into. What kind of vengeance, who wronged her, and what are her morals or tactics in pursuing vengeance? Why does he want power, and why is it undeserved (isn’t basically all royal authority undeserved power?)? Etc…
Feels like you're plastering what is supposed to be your theme already in the blurb. The point of the blurb isn't to tell us everything about your story but to spark curiosity and make us want to learn more.
The blurb you gave us by and large already tells the story: there's an intelligent king and a group of conspirators who want to take his power because they're selfish. Since they're the protagonists of the story, we will generally assume they'll win. The moral conclusions seem to be already drawn - this is doing the opposite of hooking the audience, instead it feels like we know what the story's going to make us feel in the end.
Instead of telling us the moral conclusions, try to approach the blurb by presenting the reader with questions that should fascinate them and that they would want to have answered by reading your book and finding out.
Your word choice is generic. The king was "smart". The conspirators were "villians". If the target audience was children this might be acceptable (but I still think there are better options) but if the target audience is adults it's a turn off.
Lastly, I find the quote at the bottom to be philosophical nonsense. Loyalty is the root of evil? Seems an entirely arbitrary claim that won't hold up to scrutiny. is that really the quote you want to put in the readers head? Is loyalty to one's self even loyalty? Seems that's something else entirely that is directly opposed to loyalty.
My first impression is that it's kind of generic. Like I know nothing about the story from this except the main characters are "wicked and selfish". Which does not make me want to read. (Admittedly a lot of people are into the villain as protagonist these days, so I'm probably not your target audience. )
Also the line with "this is the story of the villains" just makes me immediately go to the law & order intro "these are their stories".
I think the short, snappy style can work for a blurb. I would make the blurb actually about the story, not what happened before your story. It will give potential readers something to actually hook on to, and anticipate.
Finally, I would reconsider that quote. It's the kind of thing that feels more hollow the longer you sit with it. Like is kicking puppies loyalty to self? Sure, I guess, if we frame loyalty to self as following through on any thought or whim. That's down, once again, to personal taste. So if it makes sense in the greater context of your story of course don't listen to this advice.
Is it better like this?
There was once a wise king, leading the great nation of Artagan. His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised him. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring.
The banished prince wished for undeserved power, the princess burned with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supported her loved ones in their villainy.
This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish.
“Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
It tells me nothing. That can be good if there is enough there to draw me into the mystery, but I think you've gone too far on the vagueness. You know your story inside and out so you know how this links in, but you're not really giving an incoming reader a hook. It lacks personality.
I'd also rethink the open and close phrasing. It feels a bit like a nursery rhyme, starting with 'there once was a wise king'. Maybe try reducing the passiveness here. Come in with the hook - is a wise king your hook? Or is it the underground?
I agree with the other commenter on the Law and Order feel at the end.
Just spitballing here as I don't know what it's about, but maybe something like:
*When fight for wealth, fame and, above all, power threatens the stability/peace of xxxx (location), [insert vague consequence here]. [This thing needs to happen.] [This is the challenge MC will face].*
Or if you want the short and not giving any more away..
*MC (if you have one) is thrown into the underhanded world of corruption, sabotage and subterfuge. Even if everyone hates you, life as a villain isn't all bad: lifelong friends, the gold and the freedom is too much to pass up. Even if it is fleeting and your 'friends' stab you in the back.*
This may be waaaaaaaay off the mark because, again, your blurb gives nothing away at all. You want there to be enough to hook in a reader and drive them to open the first page. A nice happy place with a wise ruler taking up so much space isn't necessary for that. It feels kinda meh. Then ooooh villainy? But nothing new or unexpected, so back to meh.
Try looking at blurbs for really popular books - what do they are have in common, or what are the key features that drive engagement?
Edit: Having seen your replies elsewhere, your middle paragraph is so much stronger. Get rid of the start entirely. It adds nothing for a hook.
*A banished prince. Power will be his once more.*
*A scorned princess. Her lust for vengeance will burn eternal.*
*A lowly scholar. Blinded by love or subdued by apathy?*
*Wicked and selfish, these may be the undoing of Artagan and all that was built.*
Is it just me that I really don't like the "A [adjective] [person descriptor]. [Vague statement of relevance to the plot]" Style blurb?
Precisely because it tells me nothing about those people involved, the world they're in or what the hell is going on? And it just feels like a dropped 20s teaser trailer that can't show anything of relevance, because nothing of relevance has been produced yet and is supposed to be followed up by an actual 2:35 trailer seven months later that convinces me on why to hand over my money for this.
Having a teaser on the back of a book feels cheap, as if you couldn't be bothered to actually do any work on it. It should be a real trailer - introducing the important characters in short, showing their most fundamental drive, peaking into the world in question and then a glimpse onto the disaster they're trying to avoid. And like a good trailer it should never give away the main twist of the thing. Maybe a bit of foreshadowing if you're reeeeaaaally good at writing foreshadowing. But not if more than a handful of people can tell you your brillant twist with a single look at the back of your book.
This is fair and it can be done really badly. Just trying to get OP to think beyond that first paragraph with one way of ditching it. Not what I'd personally use but it seems OP is going for a teaser blurb. I like a bit more substance of that instigating conflict. The thing that happens to start the story and the potential fallout/dilemma.
Never give away the twist! Absolutely agree there.
I am really thankful for your detailed feedback. I am still trying to make changes based on the somments. This is the current blurb:
His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring.
A banished prince wishing for undeserved power, a broken princess burning with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supporting her loved ones in their villainy.
This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish.
\*\*\*
“Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
Do you still think the first paragraph about the king is unnecessary? Should I expand on the second paragraph more? And is it a bad think if the last sentence fells like law and order?
I still think the first paragraph is unnecessary. It's the status quo and no one really cares about that when looking for something to read and there isn't enough to overtly care about the king. That should come in your story anyway.
Not necessarily a bad thing but it sets a tone and if that isn't the tone you want, then yes, it is a bad thing.
Is the quote from your book or elsewhere? Give it an accreditation if you're going to keep it (even if from your own character - indicate who said it). It's a small flavour thing. I'm not a fan of the quote but I know it can work well and gives some sense that your story is about the pitfalls of loyalty or ER anything else. If that's what you're going for, it's fine.
I don't want to drop the first paragraph because it feels important for the book. I will see if I can make it more interesting. The king is the main antagonist of the story and a scary enemy to have. I want to give the feeling of a dire situation but I am unsure about how.
I will rethink the quote. Maybe I can change it up, keep it or scrap it. I will write a fitting character's name after giving it some thought.
This is the last version as of now:
His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the foolish villains from conspiring.
A banished prince wishing for undeserved power, a broken princess burning with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supporting her loved ones in their villainy.
Raise your hammer and shield, spread lies, and read further into the cursed book.
This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish.
\*\*\*
“Loyalty is the maker of villains; whether to someone or yourself”
He's the main antagonist?! That is an absolute 180 from what's written. Intriguing! But as written, it isn't. If it's a twist, you're probably too heavy on the awesomeness of the king. If it's not a massive twist, maybe allude to that.
The rest is much stronger. Rework the first paragraph and I think you'll have something good.
*His rule was just,his decisions smart, his courage peerless. Millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Loved by all, no one would have seen it coming.*
Is the no one seeing it coming about the powers moving to usurp him? That would be the assumption. In reality, it's his darker side. Alluded to without given away.
My words are not yours, but something that gives that intrigue would be helpful in making that opening feel valid. As it stands it just feels fluffy and historic - not relevant.
No offense, but the vague blurb spells out originally that “this is the story of the villains[…]”, so the king the villains seek to take down is obviously the antagonist if they’re the protagonists. This isn’t a subtle twist, or a twist at all.
I wanted to emphasise that the king is a genuinely good ruler for the populace. and that the main characters are bad people for trying to take him down. There is a mystery subplot about the king but you would still like him as long as you are not his heir.
*no one would have seen it coming* (most people don't even see there was a plot to take down the king. He keeps it under wraps to not harm the image of the royal family.) so this ending sentence doesn't quite fit the story. I will ask my partner her opinion on how to improve the first paragraph based on your comments.
So far the changes:
His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise King Doruk. Alas, nothing could stop the foolish villains from conspiring.
A banished prince wishing for undeserved power, a broken princess burning with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supporting her loved ones in their villainy.
Raise your hammer and shield, spread lies, and read further into the cursed book. Only then you can have the smallest chance to survive after harming his nation.
This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish.
Okay what you wrote here sounds significantly more interesting. And I think that first paragraph can be fixed easily with ending it with a question instead of the “nothing can stop the villains from conspiring”
Instead end it with “but what if this peace and prosperity was built on a lie?” Or something along those lines. That is an actual hook. And tells you the type of story we are about to follow.
The job of your blurb is to sell the book. The cover gets people to check the blurb, the blurb gets them to look inside. There's a reason that book blurbs follow a pretty standard format.
>\[Character\] wants \[goal\], but \[obstacle\]. Now \[character\] must \[plot\], or \[stakes\].
That's your standard format in two sentences. To be a bit more concrete, "Alice wants a glass of water, but she's stuck in a desert. Now she has to use her wits and skills to survive, or she'll die of dehydration."
This is a super basic run-down of the format. You should expand it out to about two paragraphs of about 100-150 or so words total. Give enough information to hook the reader. Give them the basic broad strokes of the plot. Give them a reason to look inside.
Your blurb is, above all else, marketing. Its incredibly important marketing, so its in your best interests to go with what works.
As others have said, saying you as the reader are going to be following wicked and selfish characters doing wicked and selfish things doesn’t exactly spark much interest in me. Also it feels like you are kinda bludgeoning me with what your theme for the story is. It should be something people figure out as they read not something you more or less scream at them as they read the blurb.
Outside of that, this blurb doesn’t really tell me much of anything about the story itself. The actual information was, a bit of lore, a bit about the MCs being terrible people, and a bit about the theme of the story. Why would that excite me to read more?
Also and this is just a personal gripe so take it with a grain of salt. I HATE it when people put in random quotes from an unnamed source. Every time I see a quote like this I look it up and if nothing comes back that’s an immediate NOPE from me from continuing. It just tells me it’s something you likely made up yourself and feels extremely pretentious to me. Even more so when the quote doesn’t even make much sense like this one. Unquestioned loyalty can obviously be a bad thing and lead to some major issues. But a majority of the time, loyalty is just the people you know you can trust in difficult situations. Be it friends, family, or coworkers.
“The good king is good, and the bad guys are bad.” I do agree with the others that this is a bit generic, but if it’s for a kid’s story, it’s not the worst starting point.
If this is a YA/adult novel, however, there’s not enough depth. If your blurb is supposed to enthrall me enough to want to read your story, I don’t feel as if that’s been accomplished yet. Why is the king good? You’re telling me all of his decisions are for the best? They satisfy everyone? Clearly not, or the villains wouldn’t be conspiring. Maybe something like “the king was good, but then came a Great War. After the loss of his finest men, the king mandated all first born sons to enlist, leading to a miraculous victory at a great cost. Many people were satisfied, but a group of fathers conspired to avenge their sons. Pedigree no longer mattered, as nobles, farmers, and artisans alike joined the army of the Sonless.” Please change whatever you like, but the idea here is that now we know that the king has a bit more depth because he is capable of making a bad decision in his people’s eyes (even if it was the right one politically), and the villains have established they have a relatable reason to do something bad. Again, change literally everything to suit your creative needs, but keep in mind the idea that characters often have more complex personalities other than “good guys good and bad guys bad.”
‘This is the story of the villains, wicked and selfish’ is really cheesy if I’m being honest.
I think the blurb needs to be snappier overall rather than descriptive and somewhat poetic like what you’ve written here. Set the scene for your story’s location, characters, and the beginning of the plot.
To give specific advice that jumped out at me - I think "decisions smart" just doesn't sound great. To me at least, that makes me think more of a stock broker or something rather than a fantasy king. I would try to make the language a bit more poetic and say "judgements shrewd" or something similar. Good word choice that enforces a strong tone can be a way to help combat the problem others are having that it sounds too generic.
Is this for the most generic children's book of all time? Please note the entire blurb not just the first sentence do this.
What about your story is special and unique? I usually do a blurb about the lead into the inciting incident. Nothing past that because I don't want to spoil things but I also know it's engaging
Morzanna has spent her life as the King's personal executioner and torturer. Now he wants to marry her to appease the Kingdom. She cannot get past what she knows but the price of No is too high. Can she force herself to go along or will she choose to defy a King risking unraveling the peace of a kingdom?
I find I prefer to ask the reader a question they want an answer to. These work on me hence the preference so look at the blurbs that pulled you in
'There was once a... ' opening is akin to 'once upon a time' to me. From that point on I am expecting a children's book. Especially when it is followed by declarative descriptions. Like Once upon a time there was a fair princess..
Is this a children's book? Or at least aiming to invoke that feeling?
It's a new adult book.
I didn't see it feeling like a children's book's opening since I have seen so many subversions of the "Once upon a..." start.
I will ask more people if they feel the same as you.
What would you propose as an alternative?
Well I would avoid the word 'once' in an opening at all costs. Perhaps be more specific with names, not king and great country etc. You should outright avoid declaring the king is just and smart etc let the story convey that. I would also avoid 'this is a story of...' As again it feels like the opening of a fairy tale.
The second paragraph is a little bit better.
Who are these conspirators?
Who is this king?
What is this kingdom?
What's the big thing that will happen that will start the story?
What's the twist that sets apart your story from all the other stories that follow villains?
I like stories that follow villains but a blurb needs to tell me something. You need to tell me who these people are, why they want the king's power (this needs to be a compelling reason, no one wants power just to have it) and more importantly, why should I read this.
I'm not going to say it's generic because I don't know anything about your story to call it generic.
People wish for power, they don't wish for: "undeserved power". They may wish for power that they don't deserve. They may possess undeserved power... but who's out there craving power but they draw the line at only power that they do not deserve?
Undeserving, (yet) they wished for power.
They wished for power they did not deserve.
It's too generic, cheesy and doesn't read like a blurb for adult fiction (unless that's your intention and you're writing a children's book).
It doesn't tell me anything about the characters, their motivations and the setting.
The good, just king is good and just. The bad guys are bad. Water is wet.
Go read the blurbs for the Stormlight books. They might be predictable but well-written nonetheless.
Honestly, this is a nothing blurb. It needs specifics. This reads like AI.
Try describing a single moment that describes the premise of your story, like how sand blows against some dark tower as an adventurer walks inside.
It caught my interest because of the twist at the end. I was bored with the beginning, but when I read that the story was about the villains, I reread it to find out what kind of world they lived in. It's not easy, however, to write about an anti- her and keep folks interested. I hope you've read about the typical hero's journey, as told by Joseph Campbell and about mythical archetypes. This is a hard thing to do as a pasnser. Good luck to you.
It's far too vague: you've got a fantasy-standard "good king" archetype, and . . . villains. Just villains. No specific motivations, no specific characters, no nothing. I can kinda assume this is in a generic vaguely-rennaisance fantasy setting, but other than that, there's not much. And that just gives no real reason to read it: I'd pass over it for a book that's willing to give me at least one specific thing to pique my interest.
Basically, you need something notable to highlight as an identifier, rather than a hint that you're *probably* playing a game of subvert-the-fantasy-trope in some way. Any specific events? Characters? A worldbuilding quirk that isn't as dime-a-dozen as "there's a monarchy here?"
Is it better like this?
His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring.
The banished prince wished for undeserved power, the princess burned with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supported her loved ones in their villainy.
This is the story of the wrongdoers, joining their hands against the world, wicked and selfish.
\*\*\*
“Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
Please elaborate (with as few words as possible) on:
How did the king show his wisdom? smartness? sense of justice? and courage?
What makes this specific kingdom appeal to you?
How does the kingdom specifically show it’s security, prosperity?
There are more questions but let’s see what comes from these questions.
When responding to me, no need to focus on getting it print-ready just yet. ✌🏼
Wisdom of the king: smart spending of taxes on infrastructure, public health, and education. Good internal and external politics. Modernised army technology and tactics.
Sense of justice: Listens to the lords' advice on his court. Acts selflesly. Works only for the betterment of the nation and his family line, and calls for the common people to hold their rulers responsible.
Courage: Fearlessly fights on the frontlines. He is a death machine when he picks up his weapons.
Security: The nation stockpiled a good amount of dust, which is the strongest expandable for wars. The soldiers of the nation are elites. The nobles are heroic people with matchless skills.
Prosperity: It's the first nation to industrialise. Great ports, roads, and canal networks are sublime. They are exporting a huge amount and the income is distributed pretty fairly. An average farmer is well enough that they can buy trending products with a little saving up.
Thank you. The answers paints a very powerful person! Awesome job.
Taking a step back, the overall story is from who’s point of view?
What do you think about DMing? If not then it’s cool. 👍🏼
Seems a bit off, if so many loved him and life was amazing for the vast majority, what exactly do these villains in the kingdom seek to make their lives more fulfilling?
Doesn’t really say anything about the story. You basically only say that there is a successful king and some protagonist villains. What exactly is happening in the story? What’s the PLOT? Because a lot of stories include kings and villains. Why should I (or anyone) pick up this book? What makes it special and different? Introduce the characters and their goals and tell more about the plot.
Based on your responses to some of the others I can tell you are dead set on using that first paragraph, so I will suggest that you change the word choice, though I agree that it could be removed all together. Instead of “decisions smart” say something like “decisions wise”, “his mind was sharp”, or keen. Something along those lines can really elevate your blurb and grab the attention of potential readers better. Also maybe avoid the word villain try more descriptive terms rather than out right saying they are villains. Mention their cruelty, their indifference, and selfishness things like that.
Needs work, but I do like the ambiance you created. Just honestly, and it feels harsh buts it's not (blurb is an art), but honestly pick new sentences. Play with words. The familiarity of something we've rehearsed can grow on us undeservedly much like the support of the villain is blind ;). I think the title could work. If you really tailor the blurb to promote it because even though we assume it's thematic to plot, nothing else informs us. It sounds strange in the mouth yet is satisfying. Work a little, but good start.
I think it’s better to start smaller and concrete question or thesis then go to grander ideas, start with the main protagonist or antagonist and their specific motivation then move to what or who is their foil or obstacle they have to overcome in getting what they want, so the reader can see the stakes and tension and the promise of building those leading up to a satisfactory answer to the question posed
Personally, that wouldn't inspire me to read a book. If this was a blurb about a medieval version of a tabletop game like Fiasco where you were meant to play as an incompetent evil person and fail, that would be an amusing premise, but for a book, it sounds like a 'no win'; there's no outcome of that premise that, from what can be inferred from the blurb, would make me wanna invest time in reading it.
To go a bit more in-depth, the idea of an uncomplicated good king suggests that either the 'narrator' of the blurb is unreliable, or the book is set on a tongue-in-cheek fantasy world. If narrator is unreliable maybe the bad guys aren't bad guys but that gives me no information about the story. If this is a tongue-in-cheek fantasy, the only reason i would want to read about wicked villains is if this was comedy/parody like the aforementioned Fiasco game. But the blurb doesn't sell me parody.
And I apologise if this is harsh but the quote about loyalty sounds like a nothing burger to me. It has the vibes of a Marvel one-liner; punchy and sounds deep, but it doesn't feel like it stands to scrutiny. 'Loyalty to oneself' as the root of evil is definitely a point you can argue for (I don't think it's an argument you are going to win, mind you) and make a story to try to show it. But it's not epistemologically strong enough to be presented as it's own quote isolated like that. I'm sure there's a deeper meaning connecting it to the story which impart if with more gravitas, but a reader of the blurb is unaware of it.
To be brutally honest, you lost my interest when you wrote, there once was a king of a great nation who was this and that and bla bla bla. Ever heard of show don't tell. Maybe try mentioning that everything SEEMS perfect, but there's cracks in the foundation. Something like:
Henry ruled in peace. His kingdom was respected, his power secure, nothing could go wrong. Right?
Alas, fate is cruel. And humans crueler still. Where Henry saw peace, others saw opportunities. To take the throne. To wage war. To pursue forbidden knowledge.
With peace prevailing, surely nothing can stand in the path of these ambitious traitors. Nothing, except, each other.
Admittedly this was a very on the spot blurb, but this sets up the scene, introduces the main idea (opportunistic villains), and introduces a conflict (all of them inadvertently blocking each other).
It will need polishing for sure, but it works much better than yours. Though ideally, instead of improving that one, just start afresh.
It feels quite generic. As a reader I'd want to know what sets this world apart from the others. Following the villains is definitely a unique spin but with loyalty and betrayal being such a common theme, it makes it hard to distinguish what's unique about the story aside from that. I feel like the first sentence isn't needed either. I feel like it reads better starting with "His rule was just..." rather than "There was once a wise king...".
Is it better like this? His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring. The banished prince wished for undeserved power, the princess burned with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supported her loved ones in their villainy. This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish. “Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
Not particularly. I always give the same advice in these situations. Your blurb should be 1-2 paragraphs. Start with a sentence that establishes the main character and the setting (briefly!). Then pose their problem/want in life. Then allude to what is getting in their way, what conflict/complication arises. Maybe even give them a vague prediction about the climax. The end. Too many people include these froo-froo blurbs and don’t understand what a blurb is for. You’re not trying to summarize the story, or even really tell your reader what the story is about. You want to hook them, give them just enough information, promise them enough of an exciting story, that they open up your book and see what it’s all about.
No, it’s not. Give names. Define actors beyond what sounds like some of the most generic level motives possible (vengeance! power!). Meat for people to sink their teeth into. What kind of vengeance, who wronged her, and what are her morals or tactics in pursuing vengeance? Why does he want power, and why is it undeserved (isn’t basically all royal authority undeserved power?)? Etc…
Feels like you're plastering what is supposed to be your theme already in the blurb. The point of the blurb isn't to tell us everything about your story but to spark curiosity and make us want to learn more.
Can you further elaborate?
The blurb you gave us by and large already tells the story: there's an intelligent king and a group of conspirators who want to take his power because they're selfish. Since they're the protagonists of the story, we will generally assume they'll win. The moral conclusions seem to be already drawn - this is doing the opposite of hooking the audience, instead it feels like we know what the story's going to make us feel in the end. Instead of telling us the moral conclusions, try to approach the blurb by presenting the reader with questions that should fascinate them and that they would want to have answered by reading your book and finding out.
Your word choice is generic. The king was "smart". The conspirators were "villians". If the target audience was children this might be acceptable (but I still think there are better options) but if the target audience is adults it's a turn off. Lastly, I find the quote at the bottom to be philosophical nonsense. Loyalty is the root of evil? Seems an entirely arbitrary claim that won't hold up to scrutiny. is that really the quote you want to put in the readers head? Is loyalty to one's self even loyalty? Seems that's something else entirely that is directly opposed to loyalty.
My first impression is that it's kind of generic. Like I know nothing about the story from this except the main characters are "wicked and selfish". Which does not make me want to read. (Admittedly a lot of people are into the villain as protagonist these days, so I'm probably not your target audience. ) Also the line with "this is the story of the villains" just makes me immediately go to the law & order intro "these are their stories". I think the short, snappy style can work for a blurb. I would make the blurb actually about the story, not what happened before your story. It will give potential readers something to actually hook on to, and anticipate. Finally, I would reconsider that quote. It's the kind of thing that feels more hollow the longer you sit with it. Like is kicking puppies loyalty to self? Sure, I guess, if we frame loyalty to self as following through on any thought or whim. That's down, once again, to personal taste. So if it makes sense in the greater context of your story of course don't listen to this advice.
Is it better like this? There was once a wise king, leading the great nation of Artagan. His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised him. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring. The banished prince wished for undeserved power, the princess burned with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supported her loved ones in their villainy. This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish. “Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
It's better but I think you're still holding on to the generic part. The suggestions in u/Hanxa13's comment would be a good place to start.
It tells me nothing. That can be good if there is enough there to draw me into the mystery, but I think you've gone too far on the vagueness. You know your story inside and out so you know how this links in, but you're not really giving an incoming reader a hook. It lacks personality. I'd also rethink the open and close phrasing. It feels a bit like a nursery rhyme, starting with 'there once was a wise king'. Maybe try reducing the passiveness here. Come in with the hook - is a wise king your hook? Or is it the underground? I agree with the other commenter on the Law and Order feel at the end. Just spitballing here as I don't know what it's about, but maybe something like: *When fight for wealth, fame and, above all, power threatens the stability/peace of xxxx (location), [insert vague consequence here]. [This thing needs to happen.] [This is the challenge MC will face].* Or if you want the short and not giving any more away.. *MC (if you have one) is thrown into the underhanded world of corruption, sabotage and subterfuge. Even if everyone hates you, life as a villain isn't all bad: lifelong friends, the gold and the freedom is too much to pass up. Even if it is fleeting and your 'friends' stab you in the back.* This may be waaaaaaaay off the mark because, again, your blurb gives nothing away at all. You want there to be enough to hook in a reader and drive them to open the first page. A nice happy place with a wise ruler taking up so much space isn't necessary for that. It feels kinda meh. Then ooooh villainy? But nothing new or unexpected, so back to meh. Try looking at blurbs for really popular books - what do they are have in common, or what are the key features that drive engagement? Edit: Having seen your replies elsewhere, your middle paragraph is so much stronger. Get rid of the start entirely. It adds nothing for a hook. *A banished prince. Power will be his once more.* *A scorned princess. Her lust for vengeance will burn eternal.* *A lowly scholar. Blinded by love or subdued by apathy?* *Wicked and selfish, these may be the undoing of Artagan and all that was built.*
Is it just me that I really don't like the "A [adjective] [person descriptor]. [Vague statement of relevance to the plot]" Style blurb? Precisely because it tells me nothing about those people involved, the world they're in or what the hell is going on? And it just feels like a dropped 20s teaser trailer that can't show anything of relevance, because nothing of relevance has been produced yet and is supposed to be followed up by an actual 2:35 trailer seven months later that convinces me on why to hand over my money for this. Having a teaser on the back of a book feels cheap, as if you couldn't be bothered to actually do any work on it. It should be a real trailer - introducing the important characters in short, showing their most fundamental drive, peaking into the world in question and then a glimpse onto the disaster they're trying to avoid. And like a good trailer it should never give away the main twist of the thing. Maybe a bit of foreshadowing if you're reeeeaaaally good at writing foreshadowing. But not if more than a handful of people can tell you your brillant twist with a single look at the back of your book.
This is fair and it can be done really badly. Just trying to get OP to think beyond that first paragraph with one way of ditching it. Not what I'd personally use but it seems OP is going for a teaser blurb. I like a bit more substance of that instigating conflict. The thing that happens to start the story and the potential fallout/dilemma. Never give away the twist! Absolutely agree there.
I am really thankful for your detailed feedback. I am still trying to make changes based on the somments. This is the current blurb: His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring. A banished prince wishing for undeserved power, a broken princess burning with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supporting her loved ones in their villainy. This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish. \*\*\* “Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself” Do you still think the first paragraph about the king is unnecessary? Should I expand on the second paragraph more? And is it a bad think if the last sentence fells like law and order?
I still think the first paragraph is unnecessary. It's the status quo and no one really cares about that when looking for something to read and there isn't enough to overtly care about the king. That should come in your story anyway. Not necessarily a bad thing but it sets a tone and if that isn't the tone you want, then yes, it is a bad thing. Is the quote from your book or elsewhere? Give it an accreditation if you're going to keep it (even if from your own character - indicate who said it). It's a small flavour thing. I'm not a fan of the quote but I know it can work well and gives some sense that your story is about the pitfalls of loyalty or ER anything else. If that's what you're going for, it's fine.
I don't want to drop the first paragraph because it feels important for the book. I will see if I can make it more interesting. The king is the main antagonist of the story and a scary enemy to have. I want to give the feeling of a dire situation but I am unsure about how. I will rethink the quote. Maybe I can change it up, keep it or scrap it. I will write a fitting character's name after giving it some thought. This is the last version as of now: His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the foolish villains from conspiring. A banished prince wishing for undeserved power, a broken princess burning with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supporting her loved ones in their villainy. Raise your hammer and shield, spread lies, and read further into the cursed book. This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish. \*\*\* “Loyalty is the maker of villains; whether to someone or yourself”
He's the main antagonist?! That is an absolute 180 from what's written. Intriguing! But as written, it isn't. If it's a twist, you're probably too heavy on the awesomeness of the king. If it's not a massive twist, maybe allude to that. The rest is much stronger. Rework the first paragraph and I think you'll have something good. *His rule was just,his decisions smart, his courage peerless. Millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Loved by all, no one would have seen it coming.* Is the no one seeing it coming about the powers moving to usurp him? That would be the assumption. In reality, it's his darker side. Alluded to without given away. My words are not yours, but something that gives that intrigue would be helpful in making that opening feel valid. As it stands it just feels fluffy and historic - not relevant.
No offense, but the vague blurb spells out originally that “this is the story of the villains[…]”, so the king the villains seek to take down is obviously the antagonist if they’re the protagonists. This isn’t a subtle twist, or a twist at all.
I wanted to emphasise that the king is a genuinely good ruler for the populace. and that the main characters are bad people for trying to take him down. There is a mystery subplot about the king but you would still like him as long as you are not his heir. *no one would have seen it coming* (most people don't even see there was a plot to take down the king. He keeps it under wraps to not harm the image of the royal family.) so this ending sentence doesn't quite fit the story. I will ask my partner her opinion on how to improve the first paragraph based on your comments. So far the changes: His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise King Doruk. Alas, nothing could stop the foolish villains from conspiring. A banished prince wishing for undeserved power, a broken princess burning with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supporting her loved ones in their villainy. Raise your hammer and shield, spread lies, and read further into the cursed book. Only then you can have the smallest chance to survive after harming his nation. This is the story of the wrongdoers, wicked and selfish.
Okay what you wrote here sounds significantly more interesting. And I think that first paragraph can be fixed easily with ending it with a question instead of the “nothing can stop the villains from conspiring” Instead end it with “but what if this peace and prosperity was built on a lie?” Or something along those lines. That is an actual hook. And tells you the type of story we are about to follow.
The job of your blurb is to sell the book. The cover gets people to check the blurb, the blurb gets them to look inside. There's a reason that book blurbs follow a pretty standard format. >\[Character\] wants \[goal\], but \[obstacle\]. Now \[character\] must \[plot\], or \[stakes\]. That's your standard format in two sentences. To be a bit more concrete, "Alice wants a glass of water, but she's stuck in a desert. Now she has to use her wits and skills to survive, or she'll die of dehydration." This is a super basic run-down of the format. You should expand it out to about two paragraphs of about 100-150 or so words total. Give enough information to hook the reader. Give them the basic broad strokes of the plot. Give them a reason to look inside. Your blurb is, above all else, marketing. Its incredibly important marketing, so its in your best interests to go with what works.
As others have said, saying you as the reader are going to be following wicked and selfish characters doing wicked and selfish things doesn’t exactly spark much interest in me. Also it feels like you are kinda bludgeoning me with what your theme for the story is. It should be something people figure out as they read not something you more or less scream at them as they read the blurb. Outside of that, this blurb doesn’t really tell me much of anything about the story itself. The actual information was, a bit of lore, a bit about the MCs being terrible people, and a bit about the theme of the story. Why would that excite me to read more? Also and this is just a personal gripe so take it with a grain of salt. I HATE it when people put in random quotes from an unnamed source. Every time I see a quote like this I look it up and if nothing comes back that’s an immediate NOPE from me from continuing. It just tells me it’s something you likely made up yourself and feels extremely pretentious to me. Even more so when the quote doesn’t even make much sense like this one. Unquestioned loyalty can obviously be a bad thing and lead to some major issues. But a majority of the time, loyalty is just the people you know you can trust in difficult situations. Be it friends, family, or coworkers.
“The good king is good, and the bad guys are bad.” I do agree with the others that this is a bit generic, but if it’s for a kid’s story, it’s not the worst starting point. If this is a YA/adult novel, however, there’s not enough depth. If your blurb is supposed to enthrall me enough to want to read your story, I don’t feel as if that’s been accomplished yet. Why is the king good? You’re telling me all of his decisions are for the best? They satisfy everyone? Clearly not, or the villains wouldn’t be conspiring. Maybe something like “the king was good, but then came a Great War. After the loss of his finest men, the king mandated all first born sons to enlist, leading to a miraculous victory at a great cost. Many people were satisfied, but a group of fathers conspired to avenge their sons. Pedigree no longer mattered, as nobles, farmers, and artisans alike joined the army of the Sonless.” Please change whatever you like, but the idea here is that now we know that the king has a bit more depth because he is capable of making a bad decision in his people’s eyes (even if it was the right one politically), and the villains have established they have a relatable reason to do something bad. Again, change literally everything to suit your creative needs, but keep in mind the idea that characters often have more complex personalities other than “good guys good and bad guys bad.”
That actually tells me nothing about the story. Blurbs are an arse to write tbh.
‘This is the story of the villains, wicked and selfish’ is really cheesy if I’m being honest. I think the blurb needs to be snappier overall rather than descriptive and somewhat poetic like what you’ve written here. Set the scene for your story’s location, characters, and the beginning of the plot.
To give specific advice that jumped out at me - I think "decisions smart" just doesn't sound great. To me at least, that makes me think more of a stock broker or something rather than a fantasy king. I would try to make the language a bit more poetic and say "judgements shrewd" or something similar. Good word choice that enforces a strong tone can be a way to help combat the problem others are having that it sounds too generic.
Is this for the most generic children's book of all time? Please note the entire blurb not just the first sentence do this. What about your story is special and unique? I usually do a blurb about the lead into the inciting incident. Nothing past that because I don't want to spoil things but I also know it's engaging Morzanna has spent her life as the King's personal executioner and torturer. Now he wants to marry her to appease the Kingdom. She cannot get past what she knows but the price of No is too high. Can she force herself to go along or will she choose to defy a King risking unraveling the peace of a kingdom? I find I prefer to ask the reader a question they want an answer to. These work on me hence the preference so look at the blurbs that pulled you in
'There was once a... ' opening is akin to 'once upon a time' to me. From that point on I am expecting a children's book. Especially when it is followed by declarative descriptions. Like Once upon a time there was a fair princess.. Is this a children's book? Or at least aiming to invoke that feeling?
It's a new adult book. I didn't see it feeling like a children's book's opening since I have seen so many subversions of the "Once upon a..." start. I will ask more people if they feel the same as you. What would you propose as an alternative?
Well I would avoid the word 'once' in an opening at all costs. Perhaps be more specific with names, not king and great country etc. You should outright avoid declaring the king is just and smart etc let the story convey that. I would also avoid 'this is a story of...' As again it feels like the opening of a fairy tale. The second paragraph is a little bit better.
Forget about the blurb for a second. What is your book about?
Who are these conspirators? Who is this king? What is this kingdom? What's the big thing that will happen that will start the story? What's the twist that sets apart your story from all the other stories that follow villains? I like stories that follow villains but a blurb needs to tell me something. You need to tell me who these people are, why they want the king's power (this needs to be a compelling reason, no one wants power just to have it) and more importantly, why should I read this. I'm not going to say it's generic because I don't know anything about your story to call it generic.
People wish for power, they don't wish for: "undeserved power". They may wish for power that they don't deserve. They may possess undeserved power... but who's out there craving power but they draw the line at only power that they do not deserve? Undeserving, (yet) they wished for power. They wished for power they did not deserve.
It's too generic, cheesy and doesn't read like a blurb for adult fiction (unless that's your intention and you're writing a children's book). It doesn't tell me anything about the characters, their motivations and the setting. The good, just king is good and just. The bad guys are bad. Water is wet. Go read the blurbs for the Stormlight books. They might be predictable but well-written nonetheless.
Honestly, this is a nothing blurb. It needs specifics. This reads like AI. Try describing a single moment that describes the premise of your story, like how sand blows against some dark tower as an adventurer walks inside.
It caught my interest because of the twist at the end. I was bored with the beginning, but when I read that the story was about the villains, I reread it to find out what kind of world they lived in. It's not easy, however, to write about an anti- her and keep folks interested. I hope you've read about the typical hero's journey, as told by Joseph Campbell and about mythical archetypes. This is a hard thing to do as a pasnser. Good luck to you.
It's far too vague: you've got a fantasy-standard "good king" archetype, and . . . villains. Just villains. No specific motivations, no specific characters, no nothing. I can kinda assume this is in a generic vaguely-rennaisance fantasy setting, but other than that, there's not much. And that just gives no real reason to read it: I'd pass over it for a book that's willing to give me at least one specific thing to pique my interest. Basically, you need something notable to highlight as an identifier, rather than a hint that you're *probably* playing a game of subvert-the-fantasy-trope in some way. Any specific events? Characters? A worldbuilding quirk that isn't as dime-a-dozen as "there's a monarchy here?"
Is it better like this? His rule was just, decisions smart, and courage peerless. Prosperity, security, and a comfortable life; millions praised the wise king of Artagan. Alas, nothing could stop the villains from conspiring. The banished prince wished for undeserved power, the princess burned with vengeance, and a young scholar blindly supported her loved ones in their villainy. This is the story of the wrongdoers, joining their hands against the world, wicked and selfish. \*\*\* “Loyalty is the maker of a villain; whether to someone or yourself”
Please elaborate (with as few words as possible) on: How did the king show his wisdom? smartness? sense of justice? and courage? What makes this specific kingdom appeal to you? How does the kingdom specifically show it’s security, prosperity? There are more questions but let’s see what comes from these questions. When responding to me, no need to focus on getting it print-ready just yet. ✌🏼
Wisdom of the king: smart spending of taxes on infrastructure, public health, and education. Good internal and external politics. Modernised army technology and tactics. Sense of justice: Listens to the lords' advice on his court. Acts selflesly. Works only for the betterment of the nation and his family line, and calls for the common people to hold their rulers responsible. Courage: Fearlessly fights on the frontlines. He is a death machine when he picks up his weapons. Security: The nation stockpiled a good amount of dust, which is the strongest expandable for wars. The soldiers of the nation are elites. The nobles are heroic people with matchless skills. Prosperity: It's the first nation to industrialise. Great ports, roads, and canal networks are sublime. They are exporting a huge amount and the income is distributed pretty fairly. An average farmer is well enough that they can buy trending products with a little saving up.
I'd give the king more flaws if I were you. He seems too Mary Sue-ish
Thank you. The answers paints a very powerful person! Awesome job. Taking a step back, the overall story is from who’s point of view? What do you think about DMing? If not then it’s cool. 👍🏼
What makes the villains worth rooting for? What did they do, are doing, and will do that would make the reader you have in mind would love?
Perhaps on the back of the book.
Make for a good writing prompt has potential.
Seems a bit off, if so many loved him and life was amazing for the vast majority, what exactly do these villains in the kingdom seek to make their lives more fulfilling?
Doesn’t really say anything about the story. You basically only say that there is a successful king and some protagonist villains. What exactly is happening in the story? What’s the PLOT? Because a lot of stories include kings and villains. Why should I (or anyone) pick up this book? What makes it special and different? Introduce the characters and their goals and tell more about the plot.
Based on your responses to some of the others I can tell you are dead set on using that first paragraph, so I will suggest that you change the word choice, though I agree that it could be removed all together. Instead of “decisions smart” say something like “decisions wise”, “his mind was sharp”, or keen. Something along those lines can really elevate your blurb and grab the attention of potential readers better. Also maybe avoid the word villain try more descriptive terms rather than out right saying they are villains. Mention their cruelty, their indifference, and selfishness things like that.
Needs work, but I do like the ambiance you created. Just honestly, and it feels harsh buts it's not (blurb is an art), but honestly pick new sentences. Play with words. The familiarity of something we've rehearsed can grow on us undeservedly much like the support of the villain is blind ;). I think the title could work. If you really tailor the blurb to promote it because even though we assume it's thematic to plot, nothing else informs us. It sounds strange in the mouth yet is satisfying. Work a little, but good start.
I think it’s better to start smaller and concrete question or thesis then go to grander ideas, start with the main protagonist or antagonist and their specific motivation then move to what or who is their foil or obstacle they have to overcome in getting what they want, so the reader can see the stakes and tension and the promise of building those leading up to a satisfactory answer to the question posed
Week verb, no hook and archaic language. I wouldn’t keep going
Personally, that wouldn't inspire me to read a book. If this was a blurb about a medieval version of a tabletop game like Fiasco where you were meant to play as an incompetent evil person and fail, that would be an amusing premise, but for a book, it sounds like a 'no win'; there's no outcome of that premise that, from what can be inferred from the blurb, would make me wanna invest time in reading it. To go a bit more in-depth, the idea of an uncomplicated good king suggests that either the 'narrator' of the blurb is unreliable, or the book is set on a tongue-in-cheek fantasy world. If narrator is unreliable maybe the bad guys aren't bad guys but that gives me no information about the story. If this is a tongue-in-cheek fantasy, the only reason i would want to read about wicked villains is if this was comedy/parody like the aforementioned Fiasco game. But the blurb doesn't sell me parody. And I apologise if this is harsh but the quote about loyalty sounds like a nothing burger to me. It has the vibes of a Marvel one-liner; punchy and sounds deep, but it doesn't feel like it stands to scrutiny. 'Loyalty to oneself' as the root of evil is definitely a point you can argue for (I don't think it's an argument you are going to win, mind you) and make a story to try to show it. But it's not epistemologically strong enough to be presented as it's own quote isolated like that. I'm sure there's a deeper meaning connecting it to the story which impart if with more gravitas, but a reader of the blurb is unaware of it.
Oooh, I want to read this so bad!
It's at 90 pages currently. I can send you the pdf if you want.
Wanna trade for a copy of mine?
Would you mind DM'ing me what it is about?
Y’all are harsh sheesh
To be brutally honest, you lost my interest when you wrote, there once was a king of a great nation who was this and that and bla bla bla. Ever heard of show don't tell. Maybe try mentioning that everything SEEMS perfect, but there's cracks in the foundation. Something like: Henry ruled in peace. His kingdom was respected, his power secure, nothing could go wrong. Right? Alas, fate is cruel. And humans crueler still. Where Henry saw peace, others saw opportunities. To take the throne. To wage war. To pursue forbidden knowledge. With peace prevailing, surely nothing can stand in the path of these ambitious traitors. Nothing, except, each other. Admittedly this was a very on the spot blurb, but this sets up the scene, introduces the main idea (opportunistic villains), and introduces a conflict (all of them inadvertently blocking each other). It will need polishing for sure, but it works much better than yours. Though ideally, instead of improving that one, just start afresh.
That quote goes hard ngl.