Get HR involved if you can. I’m not sure where you work, but as an employee you have a legal right to privacy. Hold both of them accountable. They need to learn that this is not acceptable or okay to do. Unfortunately there’s no un-outing you so it’ll probably be hard to stop the misgendering
Thank you very much, talking to HR sounds like a good plan. I appreciate it, earlier I literally couldn't think straight of what to do next, I'll find their email/phone and get a hold of them.
Be advised, if you talk to HR: HR is not your friend. HR is the company's friend. So if you have grounds for a lawsuit (which you might, IDK I'm a barber 🤷🏻) tell an employment attorney and don't sign anything. Only reason I know that is because I used to work in an office and got outed too. Sounds like the whole place knows. How could they not? Disclosing a stealth trans man is very juicy gossip in 2024. Someone owes you an apology, and probably some fines, too
Relatedly - put everything in writing and save the email. Tell HR in writing that you are requesting a meeting because multiple coworkers have told you that your personal/medical info is being disclosed around the office and you’re very uncomfortable with people making an issue of your gender identity and medical status.
Also, I generally think it’s better to submit a complaint with a government agency before getting a lawyer because that very officially registers the grievance, requires investigation and response by the company, and in the event of settlement takes the lawyer and their fees out of the way. In the event your employer retaliates against you for raising the complaint, it’s also easier to point to the fact that they took adverse action after you filed a complaint about mistreatment. If you have an appropriate state agency, that’s an option; otherwise, the EEOC. (I used to be a management side employment lawyer and agency investigations generally get resolved faster and better for everyone involved. This of course is Not Legal Advice™.)
Sorry you’re dealing with this - I’d also ask whether you think it’s possible/likely that the person spreading this around figured it out from looking you up online, creeping around your socials, etc., vs. your manager inappropriately sharing the information. If it’s pretty easy for someone to figure it out (as is the case for some of us - I for example finished my education and began practicing law before transitioning, so…) then that would probably inform the extent to which you imply concern that the information was leaked to the problem person internally.
I second this, HR will aim to keep the peace within the company, they will try to silence it more than protect OP. Get a lawyer to make sure proper action is taken.
OP's situation sucks and I know this is off-topic but my god I love your account. This is like having Spades Slick Homestuck give you life advice at a bar oh my god.
Parading someone else personal info sound like harassment
I got sort of similar thing happened in my game server some times ago, ig it less serious than workplace situation but I also hate it. Leave me tf alone :l
ugh thats awful that happened. But yeah, I looked into it and it is considered harassment/workplace discrimination to spread it around on purpose. Hopefully it gets figured it soon, shit sucks
If something like this should happen ever again, don't confirm anything. Just act confused like a cis guy would. You tell that coworker something along the lines of: "what? No, I'm not? Are you confusing me with someone?" And if he insists"what the fuck are you on about? Knock it off man, you're being weird"
i do this every single time. especially since i keep a bulkier appearance, my chest can be confused for fat or muscle when im binding. so usually im just like “dude are you serious?? im just fat” and they always either double down and look weird (instagram ppl tend to do this) or turn back on what they said lmao
in every situation other comments believe me 😭
I’m so sorry this sounds completely infuriating especially the “I thought he was a regular guy” comment like stfu he is a regular guy you’re just a moron
Yeah that’s kinda what it sounded like to me too. I know another trans guy who passes, and once outed himself to a coworker and the coworker was like “so… you’re gonna be a woman?” With trans women being hypervisible and trans men being relatively invisible, it’s not an uncommon kind of assumption.
If that is what the coworker who misgendered OP mistakenly assumed, the misgendering may have been well-intentioned, believing that he’s AMAB and pre-transition MtF and would appreciate being called “she”.
Seconding this. Email your recollections with names/dates/times included to your own work email as well as BCC to your personal email so it can't be "accidentally" deleted by the company.
Unfortunately, if this involved a payroll and benefits name change, your manager may have been the only one YOU told, but they would have had to coordinate with the payroll people in accounting and HR (employment records and benefit admin) at minimum. If you are part of a subsidiary that gathers employment or HRIS data, the admin or manager that handles that would likely know too.
I’m so sorry.
Definitely report to HR, but the cat's out of the bag now and there is no way of "putting it back in" so to speak. You probably will need to find a new job if you want the gender targeted harassment to stop. This really sucks but I don't think you have much else you can do. Still worth reporting so hopefully if this manager has another trans employee later, the same doesn't happen to them.
That fucking sucks. I would volunteer to sucker punch all of them for you, but maybe isntead try telling them you're just a regular guy? Like, don't just sit and take that "a trans people" bullshit, ask them "but I a regular guy tho?" and watch them flail.
Make no explanations, just sit there, hold strong, a bat away like an annoying fly any attempt they make to challenge you
Yuck.
What’s stopping you from doing the legal stuff? I would try to get that done as quickly as possible. Do it while you’re still there. Then start looking for another job. I feel like the cat is out of the bag and there’s no going back to how it was.
I would want to know too how that coworker found out.
This bullshit right here is why I'm getting very burned out on sharing I'm trans with people, because too many of them are idiots and will start acting "confused" when previously there was no confusion at all. And in any case you should have the freedom yourself to decide whether to tell someone or not.
I don't think you mention in your post where you live, which affects greatly how much you can do about it. In the UK this would be legally classed as harassment, and if you had a gender recognition cert would actually be an offence. On top of that, different companies have different HR processes and some go above the legal minimum (this applies in general, not just in the UK). I would expect this does qualify at least as harassment in most places but you really need to look at legislation where you live and refer to your employee handbook or HR policy or similar document. Then give them hell with whatever route is available to complain and get them disciplined.
sounds like your manager is the one who told her in the first place since she was the only one who knew. that’s a breach of confidentiality on her part and i would speak directly to HR only and file a complaint against all of them immediately.
Honestly bro it’s too late, this happened to me in January although things died down, I dealt with continuous passive aggressive behavior from those angry I reported and still got occasionally misgendered. I do not take betrayal/privacy violations lightly. It took 4 months but I now have a higher paying job/role. Don’t let these people fuck you over, if you can save while job searching, once your name change is official fuck them!
Also create a paper trail document every interaction including the ones that have already happened and make sure you use words like harassment, hostile work place, privacy violation, did not give explicit consent, ect. If HR doesn’t deal with this sue them. Submit a claim with the EOCC
Also...does your company have a DEI department. At a hospital or school, etc...these are people who are your friend in this circumstance.
I feel you though. While I am not totally stealth anymore... I usually make it clear that I WILL make an educational moment for people and if it creates a hostile work environment, I WILL take someone to court. A
I have had a recent incident where someone who has not gotten information from me, passed along that I was trans when I rebuffed her advances. Suddenly the whole department knows...and the tone of the place changes. I went to my director and came out officially to her. She let me know that this other individual had told the entire department. I teach transcultural nursing...so this is something that is so not cool. And people like that don't know that it is potentially dangerous for us. WE choose when and where we come out and to whom we tell. Others don't get to make that choice for us.
This is definitely not okay. I would report her to HR if possible, and speak to your manager about what the best course of action is to stop this going further
Report it and retain as much information as you can. HR's job really isn't to protect you, but you have to jump through corporate hoops first before it can any further. So I'd start with manager, HR, higher ups, then personal sex discrimination lawyers if it escalates and misgendering doesn't end.
I was outed at my last job so ik the feeling. The good thing is it can get better and make you closer with some.
That really sucks, and I am sorry this happened to you.
Honestly? There is probably nothing you can do. The cat's out of the bag. If this is your manager, you now know they cannot be trusted with anything. She probably shares everyone's personal medical info all over the place. She's probably a shit boss with other red flags that would come up even if this didn't. Good bosses don't do this.
I had this happen when I worked for the DoD, when a transphobic manager outed me to the defense contractor I was auditing. Not ideal. I found out because my LinkedIn was getting flooded by pings from the defense contractor people, and I knew she had done it because she was a total shit supervisor. Another coworker confirmed it had happened in a meeting where totally unprompted the bitch just outed me to a bunch of cranky, angry, defense contractors that were looking for any reason to fight us.
I eventually left because she tried to block a promotion (which I still got!) and was too much to deal with, and HR did nothing at all. HR is not your friend, in most cases.
I am not stealth these days, but my life is a never ending set of experiences where people are shocked and surprised I am trans when it comes around. My new job is in a blue area, and folks are not actively fucking with me on it, so I am cool with that. My wife is trans so I prefer not to be stealth, and as I age, I find it a good way to gauge if someone is worth talking to.
I adopted the Suzy Izzard approach. Some years ago she had a stand up bit about walking around the city and a group of five guys (because it's always five of them) started screaming MAN IN A DRESS! at her. At the time she was still using masculine pronouns, and living as a man that crossdresses. She just said Yes, I am a man in a dress.
I saw that bit when I was young, and it really impressed upon me that it's hard to fuck with you if you are like yes. Yes I am. They didn't know what to do. They tucked tail and slinked back off.
I am not saying that is the right path, or the only one, but for me it works. Whether you can save this job is only something you can figure out. However, if it looks like it's gonna be a transphobic fiasco? Just find a new job. It's not worth staying somewhere that damages your mental health.
Again, I am so sorry this happened. It should not have.
I HATE when people find out and start to misgender you then use the excuse “this stuff is confusing” absolutely not you have called me he/him for the past months or years why would you randomly switch it up. You made it confusing by trying to be rude.
This is definitely not okay. I would report her to HR if possible, and speak to your manager about what the best course of action is to stop this going further
Man, I'm sorry you're having to go through that...
You might speak to the manager or HR and see what options are available. If things have been great until now...
For myself, when the first person came up and said they'd just found out that you were trans, I might've tried to look confused and bluff past, instead of confirming it, but with something like that coming out of nowhere, there's no telling what one might do, is there?
I hope things improve for you.
Almost exact thing happened to me. I'm stealth, been on T for over 7 years (I pass very well. I have a beard, deep voice, flat chest and everything.) and i have worked at my place of work (a VERY male dominated workplace too) for the past 5.5 years.
No one at my work knows I'm a trans dude. To everyone I'm just a regular guy with a beard, deep voice and flat chest, I haven't been misgendered in YEARS, so transgender issues haven't affected me in a long time. I've even made a couple of close friends at work (all guys) and they don't know I'm trans and frankly, I don't think they need to know.
A few months ago they hired a guy who is the son of my wife's friend (who might I add has a transgender brother too) anyways, he told the some guys at work that I'm trans. Almost all of the guys refuted him and told him he's wrong, and none of them asked me about it (except one; one of my friends at work), but all he said was "(blank) is going around and telling people you're trans, but I told him I seen your weiner before". I kinda rolled my eyes and while his answer was not the most helpful it definitely eased my anxiety.
None of the other guys ever came to me and asked me anything to my face, and I continue using the male bathrooms and locker rooms so I think they either don't believe the rumour or they don't care. I'm not sure lol.
I don't need to clear up any confusion at work, how I present is who I am and how people should address me. I don't owe any sort of explanation of my genitalia at birth (at least that's how I feel) and to be honest, at a male dominated workplace, I don't feel particularly safe being out or answering questions (even though a lot of the guys at my work are actually really good guys. You never know).
Idk if this helped at all but kinda feels good I'm not the only stealth transman dealing with the same shit.
Im really sorry this is happening. I’ve been in a similar position before. I work in food and beverage so it’s not uncommon for us to have jumped around jobs a bunch on our resumes that being said, when I experienced this and I talked with my very intelligent wife she asked, what’s the end goal?
If you’re looking to right a wrong, and pave the way for trans/queer/non binary people coming in behind you or, you need your job and want to take steps to make it better in the long run.. talk to hr, have a paper trail and do what a lot of other people here are saying.
Also,
Sometimes it’s ok to walk away and start again too. Sometimes we are in a mental emotional state that doesn’t allow us the energy it takes to fight. And that’s ok too op. You can talk to your manager and let them know they fucked up and dip.
The tough part is people will get better with the more interaction they get with those of us in the community, but being someone’s “helper” or “teacher” is shitty especially when your load in life is heavy already battling in a world that’s got you fucked up.
Ask yourself what you need and where you’re at. It’s a personal choice. Stay safe and hope you feel better soon.
For another perspective so you can see how abnormal her behavior is, I’ve had to tell my manager I’m trans for one reason or the other. She never told anyone at work. I had a coworker-friend who I’ve had since working there 4 years ago, and he just barely found out a few weeks ago cuz I told him.
It’s not a given that people won’t understand you and mistreat you. They are gaslighting you. They are betraying you. And they are disrupting you. It is not understandable. If she is not a villain, then what is she? Your hero? She knows what she is doing, and she is enjoying the destruction.
I also have told others who almost instantly called their friends or who to this day will tell everyone and their mom and dog.
You seem to have accidentally surrounded yourself with shitty people.
Have you recently been feeling like you want to or need to leave that place anyway, like find a new job or surroundings? Sometimes the universe kicks us out of places where we have overstayed due to familiarity. Could also be a lesson in standing up for yourself or learning how to communicate something so difficult idk.
First of all, I would have very quickly responded, “But you weren’t wrong initially—I *am* just a regular guy. A regular dude who *happens* to be trans. You didn’t know that information about me before, you shouldn’t be struggling now. There are no valid excuses.”
I would practice this kind of response for people like this. It’s a good check right at the door for people struggling with the cognitive dissonance that they’re experiencing at being forced to reconcile with something they never expected to be confronted with: the fact that we exist in places as ourselves without them being aware of our existence and *can do so* in perpetuity. At least until some asshole finds out somehow and can’t keep their mouth shut about it, like your coworker here.
I’m sorry this happened, OP. It shouldn’t have. We shouldn’t have to deal with shit like this everyday. A lot of people here have already given some excellent advice on how to proceed from here, so I’ll just say I hope you find something here that helps you move forward in a way that is most beneficial to you and how you’d like your professional environment to be. Best of luck, man. If you’re comfortable in making any updates in the future, I’d love to hear about it.
Sounds like she’s one of those transphobes that tries to be sly and sneaky about their hateful behavior. They hide behind feigned ignorance and play it off like they “don’t know about this stuff.” I would get HR involved, but I’m not sure where you’re at. If getting HR involved will just end up turning into some paperwork and a dysphoric experience for you, then I’d say maybe go to that coworker directly. As you said, she’s passive aggressive so it sounds like direct conflict would maybe scare her into not doing it again. regardless this sucks, sorry you’re dealing with this man
I know this thread already has lots of comments so this may get lost in the mix but wanted to lyk that a similar thing JUST happened to me at my old workplace. Only one coworker knew about me bc I knew this person before working on this unit. Another coworker somehow found out and decided to share this with EVERYONE on my unit. They all then proceeded to talk about me and me being trans and basically make my personal health information a gossip session. I reported it to my manager and luckily was already quitting but also decided to make this an HR issue as to further prevent this in the future. At this point they put you in danger by sharing this personal information and in the workplace it is completely unprofessional. I hope things get better for you at work and I’m really sorry to hear all that happened to you man. So yeah but definitely don’t let this slide! Good luck!
What the actual fuck? That's brutal... they had no right to do that to you, and it's not their business. I'd get a lawyer for sure. I hope you're in a state that has protections in place so it's an easy win for you
I've had similar situations at previous jobs but I'm a little bit more open about my identity (depending on the environment I'm more open than others) but it's so weird how people suddenly switch up my pronouns because they know I'm trans now. It's genuinely confusing for me cause I've known some people for quite some time and when they learn I'm trans, suddenly it's she/her pronouns knowing DAMN well I'm a man and use he/him pronouns. It's frustrating and awkward, especially if it happens in a very public place.
if your legal gender is male, and youre in america. then you can frame outing as a Hippa violation, you might be able to get away woth it if you have a gender dysphoria diagnosis but I don't know for sure
Yeah dude I’m sorry I recently went through a similar thing at my work. The best thing I could say is definitely get hr involved make sure you keep a record of the messages you send them. This could be considered harassment so if you’d want to take it to an attorney you’d have some type of proof.
I agree with what a lot of people are saying talk to HR because that happened to me and I never got a chance to talk to HR because I was only at the store I was working at temporarily, but I should’ve because after that I was having trouble not only at that store But my home store as well so, get HR involved and you shouldn’t care how someone else feels about it. They need to know what they did was not OK. I had to leave my job because of all that shit. So yeah get HR involved.
This happened to me when i worked at walmart but the place was full of convicts so, telling them off with enough bass in my voice was enough to stop anything that i could Hear.
Idk what was said behind my back and id better not ever find out.
Your coworkers are straight up being assholes and all it took was the implication that you're not cis. If they're pulling this stuff unprompted then it was always within them. Get HR involved. In no way should this be acceptable. It shouldn't be up to you to educate people who don't care about treating you properly. If you can get out of there take your chances with that. Sorry about your work environment, people are snakes.
Get HR involved - if your manager leaked this info then they could be in deep trouble as they have no right to mention it. Not sure what country you're in but if UK then you have a protected characteristic which they aren't allowed to disclose
This used to happen to me all the time. I had top surgery almost a decade ago and was in cosmetology school at the time, and the one single person in the whole school that knew I had taken a month off for to surgery outed the information to the "class bully" and I can't even be mad at her because I know the other girl was just a mean, nosey bitch. I'm extremely private now, and have been living in a whole different state for nearly 2 years and nobody in town knows. Obviously it's on the person who outed you, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and I hope your HR team is decent enough to realize that and do something.
I’m sorry to hear about that. I am going through a similar issue at work. I just started a job 3 months ago. I came in as a trans man and I pass very well. I’ve been on T for a little over a year. I have thick facial hair, Voice is pretty deep, etc. Going into this job, knowing that pass a cis man I was very excited. Immediately after starting everyone used he/ him/ his pronouns. Within a month my manager started to misgender me. I corrected him and he told me it wouldn’t happen again. I came back to work the next day and it happened again… and again. Shortly after that about 90% of my coworkers started to misgender me. My best advice for you would be to find another job and hope for the best, considering you already expressed how you felt about it and it’s still happening. We shouldn’t be dealing with things like this. People are very careless when it comes to the trans community.
Get HR involved if you can. I’m not sure where you work, but as an employee you have a legal right to privacy. Hold both of them accountable. They need to learn that this is not acceptable or okay to do. Unfortunately there’s no un-outing you so it’ll probably be hard to stop the misgendering
Thank you very much, talking to HR sounds like a good plan. I appreciate it, earlier I literally couldn't think straight of what to do next, I'll find their email/phone and get a hold of them.
I would also frame it as your private medical information is being shared in the workplace.
Be advised, if you talk to HR: HR is not your friend. HR is the company's friend. So if you have grounds for a lawsuit (which you might, IDK I'm a barber 🤷🏻) tell an employment attorney and don't sign anything. Only reason I know that is because I used to work in an office and got outed too. Sounds like the whole place knows. How could they not? Disclosing a stealth trans man is very juicy gossip in 2024. Someone owes you an apology, and probably some fines, too
Relatedly - put everything in writing and save the email. Tell HR in writing that you are requesting a meeting because multiple coworkers have told you that your personal/medical info is being disclosed around the office and you’re very uncomfortable with people making an issue of your gender identity and medical status. Also, I generally think it’s better to submit a complaint with a government agency before getting a lawyer because that very officially registers the grievance, requires investigation and response by the company, and in the event of settlement takes the lawyer and their fees out of the way. In the event your employer retaliates against you for raising the complaint, it’s also easier to point to the fact that they took adverse action after you filed a complaint about mistreatment. If you have an appropriate state agency, that’s an option; otherwise, the EEOC. (I used to be a management side employment lawyer and agency investigations generally get resolved faster and better for everyone involved. This of course is Not Legal Advice™.) Sorry you’re dealing with this - I’d also ask whether you think it’s possible/likely that the person spreading this around figured it out from looking you up online, creeping around your socials, etc., vs. your manager inappropriately sharing the information. If it’s pretty easy for someone to figure it out (as is the case for some of us - I for example finished my education and began practicing law before transitioning, so…) then that would probably inform the extent to which you imply concern that the information was leaked to the problem person internally.
HR's job is to keep the best interests of the company in check, they're not there to keep you protected. Get a lawyer instead.
I second this, HR will aim to keep the peace within the company, they will try to silence it more than protect OP. Get a lawyer to make sure proper action is taken.
OP's situation sucks and I know this is off-topic but my god I love your account. This is like having Spades Slick Homestuck give you life advice at a bar oh my god.
Thank you, I’m really glad this gimmick character account made someone smile
Parading someone else personal info sound like harassment I got sort of similar thing happened in my game server some times ago, ig it less serious than workplace situation but I also hate it. Leave me tf alone :l
ugh thats awful that happened. But yeah, I looked into it and it is considered harassment/workplace discrimination to spread it around on purpose. Hopefully it gets figured it soon, shit sucks
do you have an update my guy??
Not yet. I have a meeting with my manager today in about 8 hours.
This is what’s called ‘creating a hostile work environment’
If something like this should happen ever again, don't confirm anything. Just act confused like a cis guy would. You tell that coworker something along the lines of: "what? No, I'm not? Are you confusing me with someone?" And if he insists"what the fuck are you on about? Knock it off man, you're being weird"
i love this tactic its so funny. then the other person who told the other coworkers looks like the asshole they are.
i do this every single time. especially since i keep a bulkier appearance, my chest can be confused for fat or muscle when im binding. so usually im just like “dude are you serious?? im just fat” and they always either double down and look weird (instagram ppl tend to do this) or turn back on what they said lmao in every situation other comments believe me 😭
I’m so sorry this sounds completely infuriating especially the “I thought he was a regular guy” comment like stfu he is a regular guy you’re just a moron
It's possible they are uninformed enough they thought OP was mtf, if things got twisted enough along the way, but yeah that still sucks either way
Yeah that’s kinda what it sounded like to me too. I know another trans guy who passes, and once outed himself to a coworker and the coworker was like “so… you’re gonna be a woman?” With trans women being hypervisible and trans men being relatively invisible, it’s not an uncommon kind of assumption. If that is what the coworker who misgendered OP mistakenly assumed, the misgendering may have been well-intentioned, believing that he’s AMAB and pre-transition MtF and would appreciate being called “she”.
If manager told they will probably deny everything.
Damn yeah, thats good to think about before I talk to the manager. I already know she's not very trustworthy since she was the **only** person I told.
Document what happened before you talk to the manager, like write down who said what & the dates & everything. Can't hurt to have it recorded.
Seconding this. Email your recollections with names/dates/times included to your own work email as well as BCC to your personal email so it can't be "accidentally" deleted by the company.
Unfortunately, if this involved a payroll and benefits name change, your manager may have been the only one YOU told, but they would have had to coordinate with the payroll people in accounting and HR (employment records and benefit admin) at minimum. If you are part of a subsidiary that gathers employment or HRIS data, the admin or manager that handles that would likely know too. I’m so sorry.
Definitely report to HR, but the cat's out of the bag now and there is no way of "putting it back in" so to speak. You probably will need to find a new job if you want the gender targeted harassment to stop. This really sucks but I don't think you have much else you can do. Still worth reporting so hopefully if this manager has another trans employee later, the same doesn't happen to them.
That fucking sucks. I would volunteer to sucker punch all of them for you, but maybe isntead try telling them you're just a regular guy? Like, don't just sit and take that "a trans people" bullshit, ask them "but I a regular guy tho?" and watch them flail. Make no explanations, just sit there, hold strong, a bat away like an annoying fly any attempt they make to challenge you
Yuck. What’s stopping you from doing the legal stuff? I would try to get that done as quickly as possible. Do it while you’re still there. Then start looking for another job. I feel like the cat is out of the bag and there’s no going back to how it was. I would want to know too how that coworker found out.
This bullshit right here is why I'm getting very burned out on sharing I'm trans with people, because too many of them are idiots and will start acting "confused" when previously there was no confusion at all. And in any case you should have the freedom yourself to decide whether to tell someone or not. I don't think you mention in your post where you live, which affects greatly how much you can do about it. In the UK this would be legally classed as harassment, and if you had a gender recognition cert would actually be an offence. On top of that, different companies have different HR processes and some go above the legal minimum (this applies in general, not just in the UK). I would expect this does qualify at least as harassment in most places but you really need to look at legislation where you live and refer to your employee handbook or HR policy or similar document. Then give them hell with whatever route is available to complain and get them disciplined.
sounds like your manager is the one who told her in the first place since she was the only one who knew. that’s a breach of confidentiality on her part and i would speak directly to HR only and file a complaint against all of them immediately.
Honestly bro it’s too late, this happened to me in January although things died down, I dealt with continuous passive aggressive behavior from those angry I reported and still got occasionally misgendered. I do not take betrayal/privacy violations lightly. It took 4 months but I now have a higher paying job/role. Don’t let these people fuck you over, if you can save while job searching, once your name change is official fuck them!
Also create a paper trail document every interaction including the ones that have already happened and make sure you use words like harassment, hostile work place, privacy violation, did not give explicit consent, ect. If HR doesn’t deal with this sue them. Submit a claim with the EOCC
Also...does your company have a DEI department. At a hospital or school, etc...these are people who are your friend in this circumstance. I feel you though. While I am not totally stealth anymore... I usually make it clear that I WILL make an educational moment for people and if it creates a hostile work environment, I WILL take someone to court. A I have had a recent incident where someone who has not gotten information from me, passed along that I was trans when I rebuffed her advances. Suddenly the whole department knows...and the tone of the place changes. I went to my director and came out officially to her. She let me know that this other individual had told the entire department. I teach transcultural nursing...so this is something that is so not cool. And people like that don't know that it is potentially dangerous for us. WE choose when and where we come out and to whom we tell. Others don't get to make that choice for us.
This is definitely not okay. I would report her to HR if possible, and speak to your manager about what the best course of action is to stop this going further
Manager initially spread the rumor, not trust worthy
Report it and retain as much information as you can. HR's job really isn't to protect you, but you have to jump through corporate hoops first before it can any further. So I'd start with manager, HR, higher ups, then personal sex discrimination lawyers if it escalates and misgendering doesn't end. I was outed at my last job so ik the feeling. The good thing is it can get better and make you closer with some.
That really sucks, and I am sorry this happened to you. Honestly? There is probably nothing you can do. The cat's out of the bag. If this is your manager, you now know they cannot be trusted with anything. She probably shares everyone's personal medical info all over the place. She's probably a shit boss with other red flags that would come up even if this didn't. Good bosses don't do this. I had this happen when I worked for the DoD, when a transphobic manager outed me to the defense contractor I was auditing. Not ideal. I found out because my LinkedIn was getting flooded by pings from the defense contractor people, and I knew she had done it because she was a total shit supervisor. Another coworker confirmed it had happened in a meeting where totally unprompted the bitch just outed me to a bunch of cranky, angry, defense contractors that were looking for any reason to fight us. I eventually left because she tried to block a promotion (which I still got!) and was too much to deal with, and HR did nothing at all. HR is not your friend, in most cases. I am not stealth these days, but my life is a never ending set of experiences where people are shocked and surprised I am trans when it comes around. My new job is in a blue area, and folks are not actively fucking with me on it, so I am cool with that. My wife is trans so I prefer not to be stealth, and as I age, I find it a good way to gauge if someone is worth talking to. I adopted the Suzy Izzard approach. Some years ago she had a stand up bit about walking around the city and a group of five guys (because it's always five of them) started screaming MAN IN A DRESS! at her. At the time she was still using masculine pronouns, and living as a man that crossdresses. She just said Yes, I am a man in a dress. I saw that bit when I was young, and it really impressed upon me that it's hard to fuck with you if you are like yes. Yes I am. They didn't know what to do. They tucked tail and slinked back off. I am not saying that is the right path, or the only one, but for me it works. Whether you can save this job is only something you can figure out. However, if it looks like it's gonna be a transphobic fiasco? Just find a new job. It's not worth staying somewhere that damages your mental health. Again, I am so sorry this happened. It should not have.
I HATE when people find out and start to misgender you then use the excuse “this stuff is confusing” absolutely not you have called me he/him for the past months or years why would you randomly switch it up. You made it confusing by trying to be rude.
This is definitely not okay. I would report her to HR if possible, and speak to your manager about what the best course of action is to stop this going further
Man, I'm sorry you're having to go through that... You might speak to the manager or HR and see what options are available. If things have been great until now... For myself, when the first person came up and said they'd just found out that you were trans, I might've tried to look confused and bluff past, instead of confirming it, but with something like that coming out of nowhere, there's no telling what one might do, is there? I hope things improve for you.
Almost exact thing happened to me. I'm stealth, been on T for over 7 years (I pass very well. I have a beard, deep voice, flat chest and everything.) and i have worked at my place of work (a VERY male dominated workplace too) for the past 5.5 years. No one at my work knows I'm a trans dude. To everyone I'm just a regular guy with a beard, deep voice and flat chest, I haven't been misgendered in YEARS, so transgender issues haven't affected me in a long time. I've even made a couple of close friends at work (all guys) and they don't know I'm trans and frankly, I don't think they need to know. A few months ago they hired a guy who is the son of my wife's friend (who might I add has a transgender brother too) anyways, he told the some guys at work that I'm trans. Almost all of the guys refuted him and told him he's wrong, and none of them asked me about it (except one; one of my friends at work), but all he said was "(blank) is going around and telling people you're trans, but I told him I seen your weiner before". I kinda rolled my eyes and while his answer was not the most helpful it definitely eased my anxiety. None of the other guys ever came to me and asked me anything to my face, and I continue using the male bathrooms and locker rooms so I think they either don't believe the rumour or they don't care. I'm not sure lol. I don't need to clear up any confusion at work, how I present is who I am and how people should address me. I don't owe any sort of explanation of my genitalia at birth (at least that's how I feel) and to be honest, at a male dominated workplace, I don't feel particularly safe being out or answering questions (even though a lot of the guys at my work are actually really good guys. You never know). Idk if this helped at all but kinda feels good I'm not the only stealth transman dealing with the same shit.
Speak to your manager and HR
Im really sorry this is happening. I’ve been in a similar position before. I work in food and beverage so it’s not uncommon for us to have jumped around jobs a bunch on our resumes that being said, when I experienced this and I talked with my very intelligent wife she asked, what’s the end goal? If you’re looking to right a wrong, and pave the way for trans/queer/non binary people coming in behind you or, you need your job and want to take steps to make it better in the long run.. talk to hr, have a paper trail and do what a lot of other people here are saying. Also, Sometimes it’s ok to walk away and start again too. Sometimes we are in a mental emotional state that doesn’t allow us the energy it takes to fight. And that’s ok too op. You can talk to your manager and let them know they fucked up and dip. The tough part is people will get better with the more interaction they get with those of us in the community, but being someone’s “helper” or “teacher” is shitty especially when your load in life is heavy already battling in a world that’s got you fucked up. Ask yourself what you need and where you’re at. It’s a personal choice. Stay safe and hope you feel better soon.
Omg. This is one of my worst fears. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I definitely second getting HR involved. Completely unacceptable.
For another perspective so you can see how abnormal her behavior is, I’ve had to tell my manager I’m trans for one reason or the other. She never told anyone at work. I had a coworker-friend who I’ve had since working there 4 years ago, and he just barely found out a few weeks ago cuz I told him. It’s not a given that people won’t understand you and mistreat you. They are gaslighting you. They are betraying you. And they are disrupting you. It is not understandable. If she is not a villain, then what is she? Your hero? She knows what she is doing, and she is enjoying the destruction. I also have told others who almost instantly called their friends or who to this day will tell everyone and their mom and dog. You seem to have accidentally surrounded yourself with shitty people. Have you recently been feeling like you want to or need to leave that place anyway, like find a new job or surroundings? Sometimes the universe kicks us out of places where we have overstayed due to familiarity. Could also be a lesson in standing up for yourself or learning how to communicate something so difficult idk.
First of all, I would have very quickly responded, “But you weren’t wrong initially—I *am* just a regular guy. A regular dude who *happens* to be trans. You didn’t know that information about me before, you shouldn’t be struggling now. There are no valid excuses.” I would practice this kind of response for people like this. It’s a good check right at the door for people struggling with the cognitive dissonance that they’re experiencing at being forced to reconcile with something they never expected to be confronted with: the fact that we exist in places as ourselves without them being aware of our existence and *can do so* in perpetuity. At least until some asshole finds out somehow and can’t keep their mouth shut about it, like your coworker here. I’m sorry this happened, OP. It shouldn’t have. We shouldn’t have to deal with shit like this everyday. A lot of people here have already given some excellent advice on how to proceed from here, so I’ll just say I hope you find something here that helps you move forward in a way that is most beneficial to you and how you’d like your professional environment to be. Best of luck, man. If you’re comfortable in making any updates in the future, I’d love to hear about it.
Sounds like she’s one of those transphobes that tries to be sly and sneaky about their hateful behavior. They hide behind feigned ignorance and play it off like they “don’t know about this stuff.” I would get HR involved, but I’m not sure where you’re at. If getting HR involved will just end up turning into some paperwork and a dysphoric experience for you, then I’d say maybe go to that coworker directly. As you said, she’s passive aggressive so it sounds like direct conflict would maybe scare her into not doing it again. regardless this sucks, sorry you’re dealing with this man
I know this thread already has lots of comments so this may get lost in the mix but wanted to lyk that a similar thing JUST happened to me at my old workplace. Only one coworker knew about me bc I knew this person before working on this unit. Another coworker somehow found out and decided to share this with EVERYONE on my unit. They all then proceeded to talk about me and me being trans and basically make my personal health information a gossip session. I reported it to my manager and luckily was already quitting but also decided to make this an HR issue as to further prevent this in the future. At this point they put you in danger by sharing this personal information and in the workplace it is completely unprofessional. I hope things get better for you at work and I’m really sorry to hear all that happened to you man. So yeah but definitely don’t let this slide! Good luck!
What the actual fuck? That's brutal... they had no right to do that to you, and it's not their business. I'd get a lawyer for sure. I hope you're in a state that has protections in place so it's an easy win for you
I've had similar situations at previous jobs but I'm a little bit more open about my identity (depending on the environment I'm more open than others) but it's so weird how people suddenly switch up my pronouns because they know I'm trans now. It's genuinely confusing for me cause I've known some people for quite some time and when they learn I'm trans, suddenly it's she/her pronouns knowing DAMN well I'm a man and use he/him pronouns. It's frustrating and awkward, especially if it happens in a very public place.
Oh no this is harassment 💔
if your legal gender is male, and youre in america. then you can frame outing as a Hippa violation, you might be able to get away woth it if you have a gender dysphoria diagnosis but I don't know for sure
Yeah dude I’m sorry I recently went through a similar thing at my work. The best thing I could say is definitely get hr involved make sure you keep a record of the messages you send them. This could be considered harassment so if you’d want to take it to an attorney you’d have some type of proof.
I agree with what a lot of people are saying talk to HR because that happened to me and I never got a chance to talk to HR because I was only at the store I was working at temporarily, but I should’ve because after that I was having trouble not only at that store But my home store as well so, get HR involved and you shouldn’t care how someone else feels about it. They need to know what they did was not OK. I had to leave my job because of all that shit. So yeah get HR involved.
This happened to me when i worked at walmart but the place was full of convicts so, telling them off with enough bass in my voice was enough to stop anything that i could Hear. Idk what was said behind my back and id better not ever find out.
Your coworkers are straight up being assholes and all it took was the implication that you're not cis. If they're pulling this stuff unprompted then it was always within them. Get HR involved. In no way should this be acceptable. It shouldn't be up to you to educate people who don't care about treating you properly. If you can get out of there take your chances with that. Sorry about your work environment, people are snakes.
Get HR involved - if your manager leaked this info then they could be in deep trouble as they have no right to mention it. Not sure what country you're in but if UK then you have a protected characteristic which they aren't allowed to disclose
knock her out
i would’ve just quit. screw that
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. Fingers crossed that your manager and HR will step in and resolve this, please update us!
This used to happen to me all the time. I had top surgery almost a decade ago and was in cosmetology school at the time, and the one single person in the whole school that knew I had taken a month off for to surgery outed the information to the "class bully" and I can't even be mad at her because I know the other girl was just a mean, nosey bitch. I'm extremely private now, and have been living in a whole different state for nearly 2 years and nobody in town knows. Obviously it's on the person who outed you, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and I hope your HR team is decent enough to realize that and do something.
during pride month? no way, bro. just stab her.
I’m sorry to hear about that. I am going through a similar issue at work. I just started a job 3 months ago. I came in as a trans man and I pass very well. I’ve been on T for a little over a year. I have thick facial hair, Voice is pretty deep, etc. Going into this job, knowing that pass a cis man I was very excited. Immediately after starting everyone used he/ him/ his pronouns. Within a month my manager started to misgender me. I corrected him and he told me it wouldn’t happen again. I came back to work the next day and it happened again… and again. Shortly after that about 90% of my coworkers started to misgender me. My best advice for you would be to find another job and hope for the best, considering you already expressed how you felt about it and it’s still happening. We shouldn’t be dealing with things like this. People are very careless when it comes to the trans community.
I’d be absolutely enraged. I’d hit a girl.