Is her AC actually running? I knew of a neighbor that was so elderly and poor, she sat outside on her porch, because she couldn’t afford to run the AC.
Agree. She is lonely and trying to improve her mental health by sitting in the fresh air and people watching. If OP just takes a minute to visit every couple days this will improve not only the neighbors mental health but will help them with the social skills they admit to be lacking. A simple act of kindness can be life changing for both of them.
While I'm not \*that\* old lady, I'm 'that' old lady even though I'm not that old but apparently to some I am elderly. It's very difficult not being able to connect with neighbors, that moment or few of just being friendly can make my whole day.
My grandma is 91 and she loves when her neighbors come up and say hello to her when she’s on her porch. Granted they probably do it to be nice (because they know she likes it) lol, there are still a few who you can tell certainly appreciate/enjoy it.
They are genuine and I think it even helps them “stay sharp” by trying to remember what their fellow neighbors are up to or in need of.
I know what it’s like to not want to catch up or feel talkative, but seeing first hand how it makes them feel has made my kindness more patient and even just an acknowledgement of them while you’re busy in passing means a lot to them.
Exactly! I am a master of the head nod and hello. 😆 But you are so kind! It really is a gift to be able to be around the older and wiser. They remind us to slow down and pay more attention to one another.
I understand. When we were first married we knew all our neighbors and any of us felt fine just dropping in for a visit without calling ahead. Now we only know a couple of the neighbors and only one of them would I feel ok just dropping in. It’s very sad. There is no real sense of community anymore. Nobody is ever outside anymore either, even kids are not outside playing.
I honestly don't understand it. I run into people of all ages who are experiencing this same loneliness and inability to make friends, even within their own age groups. I'll be friends with just about anybody, young or old and everything in between. I have friends, but am not friends with any of the neighbors. I miss how things used to be.
I earnestly enjoy hanging out with my friends. Occasionally. 95% of the time, I'd rather be alone, in my lab/workshop building stuff. It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out with people, I just need MUCH less of it than most other people. Like so much less that I'd rather not see or hear people unless I'm feeling the need to.
As for sense of community: It's not that there's no sense of community, a lot of people are just burnt the heck out from being worked like a slave and barely having enough money to feed their families.
Luckily I'm no longer in a situation like that, but there are more people in that boat every day. It's not that they don't want to talk to you, they just don't have enough mental capacity left to do that and find a moment to themselves before passing out for the day.
As soon as my dog pees and poops I have to head out to work.
She probably just retired, and out of her mind due to boredom. Maybe talk to her once or twice and figure out "why" she is trying to make contact.
Also depending on the day, 90 outside but 80 in the shade with a light breeze is more comfortable and cheaper than inside with AC.
Right - sounds like she's just lonely. It's not the worst thing in the world to be friends with your neighbor, as long as she's not offensive. Talk to her when you can and let her know when you're too busy to talk. One line that works for a quick escape: "Sorry Gertrude. Sparky and I really need to get going." Insert the correct names and use whenever you like. Then feel free to head out on your walk, get in the car, go to your backyard, go back into your house, or proceed to the destination of your choice.
90 degrees is just about right for me. I like it warm, hate it cold. I’m 61 now but have always been this way. I’ll mow in the 90s, walk, bike ride, do outside stuff. And i detest AC; only use it with 90s and if there’s high humidity.
I'm a big fan of the nod, smile and wave, then walk on. It is friendly, it acknowledges their existence, but you just keep doing what you need to do, no hard feelings. If they clearly want you to come over, point the direction you're going and smile as if to say "sorry, friend, I'm headed this way!" Maybe a nice cheerful "have a good one!"
Bottom line you're under no obligation and a little shellac of friendliness can go a long way. I understand the need to avoid conversation.
Yep; gotta relieve the pressure before the pot boils over.
FWIW, I’m in same situation. But worse. Aaaaanyways, just talk to her for 5-10 minutes twice a week max and the rest of your week will be pleasant when you wave ‘hi’ and shout have a nice day as you go about your business.
I’m lucky, my daughter loves old(er) people and willingly chats with them when she walks the dog. Now i am able to just wave and carry on with my day when I don’t feel like chatting 😂
In my youth, I would have thought this was annoying, but as I get older and I see my parents get older, I think of them doing the same thing and just being lonely.
Go over and chat.
Yeah this is silly. “My lonely/elderly neighbor likes dogs and being friendly. How can I tell her I never want to see or hear from her again. “
OP it sounds like your neighbor is trying to be a good neighbor. Just talk 5 or so minutes and go in with your day. If you need a conversation topic talk about how f-ing hot it is.
The opening line is weird. My lonely neighbor chats every time I see her but I don't want anything bad to happen to her or her house. Was that on the table??? I thought this was heading to something more serious than, well, a little chit chatting. lol
This is more of a "setting healthy boundaries with others" type question, as you probably guessed by mentioning your lack of social skill. If you are in therapy, this would a great skill to talk about and practice. Your neighbor sounds bored and lonely. It's not your job to fix that, however, you can establishing a neighborly balance between trapped in your house and yelling.
I agree with your advice and also many others who suggested that OP chat with her a couple times a week when timing is good but when not just be honest and straightforward about it. OP isn’t obligated to be her friend or her entertainment - just focus on simply being a good neighbor but setting those boundaries.
This. My neighbor developed what we think is Lewy-body dementia over the last few years. It took us as a collective to be able to recognize it and help. And I still feel badly that we didn’t put it together earlier, or do more, even though you can only do so much. I wish I had a lonely chatty neighbor lol.
It honestly makes me so sad how many comments pointing out the obvious (that the old lady is likely lonely) have been downvoted. What sort of society are we becoming that you’re literally downvoting people that are encouraging someone to show empathy?
I agree…so many people talk about how everything is going to shit and fail to recognize that the single biggest part of things NOT going to shit is living in strong community with others. Mutually “taking care” of each other with kindness.
This is literally the world we are living in. People don't want to know or care about their neighbors or anyone outside their orbit. I grew up in the 80's-90's and we treated our neighbors with so much respect; cut their grass, checked on them etc..
We live in such a hedonistic world.
Many people sit outside on their front porch. The elderly did this as kids. It's normal to them. It's okay to wave and keep going if you don't have time. As others have mentioned, talk to her when you have time to see how she is doing. She sounds like a nice person who may be lonely. Think positive.
I was trying to find the words for this.
Being kind and friendly could entirely change her day.
You have the power to make a real difference in someone’s life.
Remember, one day that could be you.
People die, move away, etc.
it’s possible to have a big tight group of friends for some years and then suddenly nobody.
Life is tricky.
Just wave at her and keep going. If you end up talking to her sometime and she asks why, say you're walking to exercise or something and don't have time to stop and chat.
There are a number of little old ladies (and a few gents) in my neighborhood and my senior dog (14) loves them all. She's got a whole route through the neighborhood to go visit them. Do I hate making idle chitchat about the weather? Yes. Do I enjoy hearing the juicy gossip about so and so over on the next block? Also yes! I do have to remind a couple that she can't have treats every day. But mostly they're just lonely widows/widowers trying to break up the monotony of the day.
If you're in a rush or don't feel like stopping to chat just give a quick wave and a casual hi and then proceed on with what you're doing.
You will never get burgled when you have a nosy old lady sitting on the porch all day.
Give her a brief hello and some chit chat from time to time to thank her for the free neighbourhood watch services she is providing.
I read an interview with a professional house burgler, and he said that nothing makes him decide to case out a different area to rob more than a nosy old lady sitting on the porch.
In a neighborhood I used to live in, it was one of those where no one knew or acknowledged each other, and a house got burgled big, like they took their time. The one neighbor who kind of saw it said, basically, “I don’t know, I assumed they were moving, people were loading up a truck. I don’t know them, I figured it was them and didn’t pay any more attention than that. Dark truck of some kind?”
Even now, I recognize the neighbors but there are only a few houses where I would be able to say, something isn’t right here. I guess having an old person outside taking everything in constantly WOULD be an excellent service at the low cost of waving and occasional small talk.
For real, my sentiments exactly. A wonderful Vietnamese family bought the house next door to mine, and besides being a pleasure to have as neighbors, they use the garage as somewhat of a living space. They have a propane burner, a table & a few chairs in the space beside their new minivan. They often are generous in sharing the food they make in there and it’s pretty damn delicious. The two elderly fathers- in-law live with the young family (the mothers -in-law already passed away) and they are always out front or there in the garage at that table with the garage half open. Anytime I go out of my house one of them or another family member is always there. At first I was self conscious, but I got over it. I always will have a smile for them & I will always make time if they want to talk. I want them to know they are welcome. They don’t care if my shirt’s on backwards & my hair is sticking out! Our neighborhood is bad sometimes with property theft but no way someone could be messing with my house with those old men on watch!
My dog made friends with an elderly woman down the street I myself am no spring chicken. But I was really glad to see the joy they brought to each other
It’s inconvenient, maybe odd. But a few minutes a day can really brighten some one else’s day.
Watching my parents (boomers/ I was adopted) and grandparents get older one thing I realized is their circle starts to get really small. The kids have their own families to worry about, their friends may be living in a facility or passed on already, and most people just don't care to talk to or respect elderly folks period. During covid so many of my parents friends in facilities died from just being lonely as silly as it sounds.
Like you said, a few minutes can make a difference.
This is your neighbor issue? A friendly neighbor that likes your dog? People live next to meth houses and you complain about this? This is a you issue.
I don’t think not wanting to talk to the neighbour every time they go out of the house makes someone a jerk.
People are introverts, have illnesses that rob them of energy, are caretakers to other family members, have social anxiety…there are a ton of reasons why someone may not feel up to talking that day. I adore my neighbours but I don’t want to feel obligated to talk every time I leave my house.
It seems like OP must be having some stuff going on, if they are stressed by this to the point they can’t communicate without feeling like they are going to have to resort to yelling.
Right, every single time OP comes out they have to talk is a bit much. People have shit to do and only a certain number of hours to get it done since they are not retired yet.
OP has completely over dramatized this
> I feel like a prisoner in my own home
Please. Really? The nice old lady next door wants to pet your dog and say hi and that makes you feel like a prisoner in your own home? This is sooo easy to navigate but no instead we get this
> it will probably end up me just yelling at her.
I maintain my position, OP is a jerk.
Likely extremely lonely. I have an elderly neighbor thta traps me sometimes. Will follow me walking away and keep talking, even after I say I need to go. Dude will trap anyone willing to Listen. Even keeps the mail guys from doing their job. Single old People are lonely. They just want company and someone to talk to. Prob why she sits outside, because inside is boring asf all alone and that's her best chance at any sort of interaction.
A lot of old people who sit out on the porch do so because there's life out there, inside there is only memories. Inside, there is only silence where once there was a symphony of family sounds. It begins when the last child has left the nest and it's just you and your spouse but you make your own music. One day it's just you.
I understand this OP I don't want to feel obligated to talk to neighbors every time I take my dog out either I'm drained after work and would like to just walk in peace I would be on my phone and just wave as you walk by even I'd you are just pretending to talk to someone lol
Wave, nod and keep walking. Headphones really helps with the avoidance. Kinda gives a good reason if she ever mentions it in the future. Be like “oh im sorry, i usually listen to music or podcast and don’t hear a thing”
You want to talk to your neighbor about being overly friendly to you and your dog? Also why is it your (or anyone’s) business why she chooses to sit on her front porch? You’re the problem here, not her. I’d much rather have a neighbor like her than one like you.
Lyrics from John prine.
You know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder every day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say
"Hello in there, hello"
She is very lonely. She has at best another 3-5 years. How will you feel about your interactions with her when she is gone?
I would be friendly talk for 5 minutes and say “well I gotta go, nice talking with you, have a great day, see you tomorrow.” And walk away.
That'd be a lot longer than my span of patience. No need to mention her age or her health. /s
Seriously, if she were an otherwise nice person I'd probably just build in 3-5 minutes every morning to say a quick hello, get the dog some pats and then, "See ya soon!" I'd feel good about it even if it's pretty insignificant.
If the neighbor is elderly or seems isolated & alone, I agree with this. It doesn't have to be every single time, but a few minutes here and there is worth it just to be a decent person and a decent neighbor.
It's also good to have "the eyes of the block" in your corner if anything ever happens.
Just nicely tell her “sorry sweetie, don’t have time to visit today” and smile and wave and keep walking. When you do have time, once a week or so, stop and visit for 15 minutes or so.
Work on your social skills and go talk to her about it. Stop being such a baby about confrontation, it's as simple as saying "hey I know you like my dog, i'll stop by when we have time but sometimes I don't have the time to stop"
Maybe she’s more interesting than you imagine.
I’m a pretty extroverted person. I know a lot of people’s life stories.
They’re pretty interesting.
Did it occur to you to share something about yourself?
For a lot of old people, listening is as good as talking.
When I moved into a neighborhood, there was a gentleman who would open his garage each morning and had a rocker and an ice chest sitting right there. My kids called me at work to tell me about the 'weird guy' who would watch everything. I would always wave when I could take a quick minute and in general just nod and smile as I went by. After a few meetings, I accepted that he was just lonely and looking to watch the world in his retirement. Worked with the kids so they felt safe but we otherwise were just "cordial".
Years later, my daughter called me at work and told me that there were weird people who looked like they were casing our house. She was worried - the weird guy next door wasn't home so she didn't know what to do. Seems like she had come to rely on "weird guy" over the years. It's really interesting how sometimes situations and we change.
It sounds like you might be a bit introverted like my oldest. I hope you will take the advice of others and say hi when you can and smile and wave when you can't. You never know when weird will become a safety blanket you rely on. For instance, whose going to target your home and/or take your packages when Ms. Edith is sitting there watching their every move!
Simple!! Set an alarm on your phone set to go off about x-minutes into your interaction. Quickly say "I have to take this" and depart. With the comfort of knowing your conversation will be short, maybe you might loosen up a little and set the alarm for later next time. Repeat until you've made a friend.
Oh, yet *another* post about a Redditor who lacks all social skills?
There's no nice way to stay this, so just stop being such a wimp and ENGAGE with your neighbor. By "engage", I don't mean you have to sit and talk with her every day. I mean walk outside confidently, and when she tries to get you to stop, just wave and say "*Hi there!*". If she's more persistent, just say "*Sorry, busy day. No time to talk, but I'll see you around!".*
What you're describing is what literally every nice person has to deal with at some time in their life. If you're nice enough, people will want to interact with you. The neighbor across the street from me is like this and stops to talk to me any chance he gets. It's not the end of the world. If I have a minute, I'll stop and talk with him. If not, I'll wave, say "hi", and turn away so I can go about my business.
**We need to stop normalizing fear of social interaction.** I'm getting really tired of these posts because they make it seem like agoraphobia is a normal and healthy condition. It's not. If you truly have a problem, seek help (not on Reddit. Go to a professional). If you just have normal anxiety (anxiety is in fact a *normal* emotion), then just get over it (because that's what all mature adults do). I dread interacting with the annoying guy at church who always wants to chat, but I've never felt like I might "just end up yelling at him". Get a grip dude. This is not a problem for r/homeowners. This is one for r/therapy.
Funny. Usually, the same people fake crying on tiktok because they see an old person eating in a restaurant alone are the same people complaining if an elderly person tries to talk to them.
You know OP, I feel you. Don’t feel pressured to chat if you don’t want to. You can still be kind but no need to engage. I personally do not like my neighbours seeing what I do but thankfully we are in good but distant terms.
I see them maybe 1 a year though and no one hangs out outside (Canada).
I was nice to a neighbour once and he became the neighbour from hell. I knew he was lonely and gave him food and chatted but then he would blast music and lecture me angrily about things he made up about my house after trespassing- it was very strange. He also cut my bushes without asking and they should’ve blocked the road.
He also used to paint outdoors while it was snowing but tried to teach us how to paint so ya…..he’s lucky we didn’t call bylaw on him for the noise issues (the end music would shake the house)
Like others have said, she's just going outside so she doesn't have to stare at the walls.
Just wave and be cordial and move on with your walk if you're that annoyed. I live in a townhouse development and keeps to ourselves other than the occasional small talk/cordial greetings. She sounds harmless compared to some of the busy bodies and slobs or people that move in never being shown how to access the condo rules.
When you leave your house, fake being on a phone call. Make sure to turn the volume off obviously and just pretend you're on a phone call and keep walking. I do this all the time and it works great.
I think that stopping the urge to yell at her starts with your mindset. Try to develop some empathy towards her. Chatting with you is likely one of the brights spots of her day. You get to make someone smile. Reframe this - you arent beholden to her, but you live in a community and social ties are a part of that. It’s a good thing!
You might feel better if you stop, call out a friendly "Hi, good morning. Nice to see you." You'll have made her happy and that's worth a lot. She'll feel less lonely and you'll have been the reason.
I have been through this, I would actively avoid her because if I got cornered it was going to be a while , I just learned to have an exit strategy, Sadly, she passed away from covid,I realize now she was just probably lonely.
It sounds like she's lonely. It couldn't hurt to have a quick convo w/ her. She might have lost someone in her life a few months back, and trying to re-establish talking to 'anyone'. If she's persistent w/ calling your dog, just politely say "sorry, no time for a visit today. Maybe another time", and walk away.
BTW, your dog my enjoy the ritual. My dog tends to like the neighbors more than the neighbor's dogs. Go figure.
She’s lonely. Go chat. If 5 minutes from your day can MAKE another person’s day, why not do it? Also, if your dog likes her…even better! Plus you can use your dog as an excuse to leave “welp, gotta go feed Fido. Good chatting Gladys! Talk to you in a few days.”
Who knows. You might end up in her will!
I had a sweet old lady next door that did exactly this. Some days I just had to hollar from the driveway and tell her that I can’t come by today because I have to hurry to do xyz……it was true and I’d see her again the next day to enjoy some dog petting and chit chat.
If you don’t want to talk to her just tell her you have some errands to run and just taking the dog out for bathroom. Or ignore her, or get rid of dog, or move.
Don't let anyone make you feel uncomfortable to leave your home. Just smile and wave and keep it moving. If she continues calling you over, just say "please don't do that or not today". Most of the time I just want to walk my dog and not socialize and come across people who want to chit chat etc. and I try to keep it short and sweet 💕
I walk past an old folks home in the morning where people sit out on the front porch. I’ve struck up the “ol’ smile and wave” from 10 feet away. One man in particular makes sure to be there when I’m on my rounds, so I make a special effort to smile and wave at him and yell about the beautiful morning or the heat, etc. it takes a few extra seconds and then I point to the dog and say “he’s on a mission today” or “”he has business to attend to”. Granted, I don’t go up on the porch, but maybe you could add a bit of small talk to your wave and then point to the dog and say “we’re in training so that he keeps focus on the walk!” That might make her realize not to call to the dog.
The other thing is that old people LOOOOOOVE pets and kids. My mom has dementia and lives in assisted living. She doesn’t remember that I visit, but will always remember when I bring the dog! And if little kids are around, she can’t stop watching them. All the other old people are like that too.
My elderly neighbor no longer lives on our street and I miss them so very much. I did visit with them and the visits were long. I often felt guilty because I did not have time and I was short with them once. And I felt this sense of avoiding them several times because I thought, “I just don’t have time to talk right now.” But I swear I always left in a better frame of mind and a better mood after talking to them. They had amazing stories and I learned so much about the world. I tell their stories all the time. (“My neighbor said that when they first moved here…” type of thing.) I miss them so much.
She is lonely. She has probably suffered a life-changing event like the death of a friend. She's trying to connect to the world.
If you have it in you, you should indulge her. There's a good chance that if you go over there like every time she'll stop asking after a little while once she feels connected again.
Getting old sucks. I never imagined that I would feel so disconnected. If I didn't have my cats, just two. I'm not totally gone off the bend, I'd probably be sitting around at the side of the road myself. I've been tempted to do it anyway.
I don't know what switch changed in my head. I think it's because I know that if I dropped dead no one would notice for several months. I know that sounds morbid but you know it's just what starts happening to some of us mentally.
The loss of community is weighing.
If she has a fence-in yard or something and your dog is of the proper temperament, you might just want to be able to let her babysit the dog for a while.
I understand that this could be a painful idea if you're particularly introverted, and it's certainly alien to what your current habits are. But if she's a nice lady, maybe she just needs someone to be nice to her back . Back .
You might find it helps your own mental condition to make a connection if you don't have a lot of people in your life. But I don't know anything about your life so I can't say.
If you bring cookies you get cookies back.
You made a comment about your own social skills, so you're probably an introvert, which is why this probably feels like such an invasion.
Turn it from a burden into an opportunity if you can.
The fact that you're going straight to "probably end up yelling" It's something you might want to personally explore separately.
It sounds like you two are suffering from a loss of community. You just don't know know it as that.
Of course this is all based on scant hints Rather than deep knowledge.
Some people are just really lonely and mean zero harm. Listen...... If this is the extent of the issue with your neighbor, consider yourself amazingly lucky. Want to feel like a prisoner in your own home? Wait until you literally cant stand your neighbor or you get into a mini "war" with one.
Just wave and keep walking. Keep it friendly. According to you, she's been nothing but cordial. Keep it that way.
Wear big obvious headphones (even if there is nothing playing). Dont look her direction. Keep the dog moving and pretend you don’t see her.
Sometimes stop and chat so it doesn’t seem like you’re purposely avoiding.
Having an old person that sits around all day watching everyone's comings and goings isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Consider a few short conversations on occasion cheaper than a security system.
And good social skill practice.
For the past 20 years an elderly couple has lived next door to me. They pretty much kept to themselves. We nodded at each other in the back alley when taking out our garbage or complained about the weather when we were both out shoveling snow. Then the wife died. Now the husband has no one to talk to, no one to keep him company. He sits on his front porch with his beer and the radio and waits for people to walk by. He hails them in a friendly manner and invites them up to the porch to share a drink and some conversation. I started going over to spend some time with him and found that his company is actually quite interesting. He has a lot of old stories to tell from his life. Along the way we got to be pretty good friends.
I would just start sneaking out via the backyard or wait til she pops back inside for a nice glass of unsweetened iced tea. I have a couple of non stop babbling neighbors that I have to utilize those tactics with.
If I had to guess, probably many decades older than you? Do you really want to help? You don't have to visit. But maybe get her in touch with the local senior center or department of aging, drop off their schedule. Maybe she likes dogs, probably some dog parks in the area you can mention to her, or find local therapy dog program she can go visit with dogs or have them come to her place. Does she live alone? Then even more important to help her. You or someone you know might be there yourself one day. She's not calling you over for nothing, she's lonely.
Silly me, I'm trying to spend all the time I can with my neighbor, we're 4th generation neighbors, he's a good friend.
I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I can, not because he's moving or anything like that.
He's dying.
I can't imagine him not being there.
Go talk to your neighbor, it may suprise you, you might enjoy it and become friends.
How terrible to have to talk to an elderly woman who may be very lonely. Amazing how people can go through life so self centered without a care in the world for anyone but themselves.
Wow. If I found out my neighbors couldn’t take a minute to say hello and exchange light pleasantries I sure as sh*t wouldn’t go out of my way to say anything if anything happened to their house or property while they were away. She’s a neighbor, not a coworker.
One day maybe you're going to be the one who's going to be old and lonely. I'm sure then you would love that someone spend 5 minutes of their day to say hello and let you pet their dog. So be nice to her.
I have one of those neighbors but is an old man in an electric wheelchair . I swear he hides behind trees and then comes zooming down the street when he hears anyone come outside. Then you can’t get rid of him. I wait until after dark to take my trash out to the road now or I’ll be stuck talking to him forever
Better than the neighbor I have that whenever my dogs walk onto her sidewalk (not even near her grass), she sits behind mostly closed blinds and knocks on the window passive-aggressively. They also put out little signs about dog poo and pee on the grass between the sidewalk and street.
We had a crazy old man living next door to us when I was a kid. He’d sit out there eating watermelon and drinking beer, occasionally kicking a cat off the porch.
My mother hated him because he was lewd and lascivious, sneaking a peek when she’d be sunbathing. He also mowed down our irises one time.
But I didn’t understand all this and would talk to him like I would anyone else. Mom would get mad at me for talking to him.
One time she hosed him down. Then he got his hose and she ran into the house to escape.
Not suggesting you get into a hose fight, but for some reason your story made me think of the crazy old man next door who sat on his porch all day making hacking noises.
She sits out on her porch because she’s lonely and she hopes to chat with neighbors or passersby. You could consider being kind and spending a few minutes with her every day or two.
It makes me so sad that your comment got downvoted because it is the absolute truth. As someone with social anxiety, I completely understand the feeling of wanting to avoid neighbours, even the lonely old lady/gent next door (have had more than one in my life). But then I remember that one day I may just be that lonely old lady next door and I really hope that, when I am, I have a kind next door neighbour…so maybe today I can be theirs.
We have annoying neighbors in both side with horribly behaved children. We try to minimize being at home when they’re outside and address the things that are most important with them and not the day-to-day stuff.
I had a similar situation. Every time I was outside this neighbor thought it was social time. I couldn't be in my backyard without them coming out to talk to me. I started to feel uncomfortable in my own backyard.
Better than the smokers that always end up renting my neighbors rental! Always ends up being a smoker and they sit on the porch which is behind my yard and pump cigarettes all day
She could have no one. See it all the time hospital side. It’s so common lately for extended stays for folks who need no acute care but need to wait through the process of getting a court appointed guardian to make medical decisions for them. It seems like every unit has at least 1 at all times.
Being outside where other people are is likely less painful, if this is the case. You ever see other cars or people there? She ever go out?
I know, not your problem, nor should it be.
That said, if she suddenly stops appearing you can call the non emergency police line to request a wellness check.
Just as you head out with your dog pull out your phone and hold it up to your ear and begin a very complex and animated one-sided conversation with your imaginary parole officer/proctologist/mental health specialist.
My dad would strike up random conversations with the mailman, ups, Amazon drivers, etc..
At appointments, he'd bog the nurse and doctor down with non-medical questions and advice and completely waste their time.
I was so embarrassed. I would apologize to them when I witnessed it. He was relentless and would hold them hostage far too long.
I realized he was really lonely and bored.
We ended up putting him in a retirement home for his last 10 years, and he had tons of people to talk to, hang with, and they could bore each other for hours...happily.
It was expensive, but it was worth it to see him thrive all the way to the end.
RIP chatty daddy. LOL.
My adopted mom wouldn't turn the air on until the weather was over 100* (this is in AZ). She was skinny and frail and had cancer so she was cold all the time and the 95* weather felt good to her.
Maybe wear headphones when you walk the dogs? (Corded ones that are obvious to others they are in? Don't have to turn them on but have them in So you can say you had your headphones in).
My guess is, she is trying not to run the air to save on her energy costs. Try walking your at earlier and later times. Head in the opposite direction away from her house every other time.
Years ago we had elderly neighbors who loved petting our dogs. One day we bought a box of dog treats for the neighbors to give to our dogs when we got home from work. When that box was gone, they started buying their own treats to give the dogs. We would all meet at the back fence and it became a daily routine and only took a few minutes of our time. It was an extremely enjoyable experience for the neighbors, and it was always touching to see them standing at the fence waiting for us. And of course the dogs loved the attention and raced out to get their treat each day. We all missed this when we eventually moved away.
This is why I don't do neighbors. They are getting less private and harder to deal with every day. Eventually she will see something she doesn't like and call the cops on you. This is how they usually turn out.
It seems you’re the annoying neighbor. Maybe learn to use your adult voice and talk to her like a normal person instead of going straight to yelling at her.
Get noise cancelling headphones. Wear them while going out on days you don't want to socialize, but still look over and wave. On days you feel you can have a short interaction, wear them on your neck as you go outside, pop over to say hi, then tell her you gotta be on your way and put the headphones on after you say bye. Easy peasy.
Uh,
Yeah try not to yell at her. That's my first piece of good advice. My second advice is maybe try taking to her the next couple times your dog goes over there. Don't even talk about your dog unless she takes the conversation there. Talk about the weather, what you're doing, ask her what she's doing. Connect for a minute. Offer her some humanity. Do this a couple times and the 2nd time you go over there, if you feel the same way maybe say something about how you're concerned for your dog crossing the road or whatever. But try not to just write her off, she's already probably isolated as is.
She is most likely lonely. Hold your phone to your ear and nod or wave as you walk quickly by. Or put big headphones on and jog by like you are going for a run.
I also blame my dog, as in “he wants to get his exercise so I need to keep walking”
If you don't feel comfortable talking to her may be write a nice letter to her explaining your social anxiety/whatever it is. I too live in a neighborhood where there are a lot of older people living alone and they sit on their porch and want to chat. Sometimes I'll respond to them from the street, a quick 2 min conversation, and unfortunately sometimes abruptly cut them off with, im so sorry to cut you off, I'd love to stay and chat but unfortunately I need to run!
You could maybe engage them and say something along the lines of.. Hi, I wanted to give you this letter. It explains something that's been on my mind. Thank you for understanding.
Dear neighbor.
I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to explain something that has been on my mind. I have noticed that you often sit on your porch and try to call me over to chat. I appreciate your friendliness and the effort you make to reach out to me.
However, I struggle with social anxiety, which makes it very difficult for me to engage in conversations, especially spontaneously. I hope you understand that it's not that I don't want to talk to you or that I am trying to be unfriendly. It's just challenging for me to interact with people, even though I wish it were easier.
Please know that I truly appreciate your kindness and hope this explanation helps you understand my situation better. I value having a kind neighbor like you and am grateful for your understanding.
Warm regards,
Your name
A quick hello visit occasionally but limited time. Explain politely how busy you are and that you will stop by next time you have spare time. Mix it up… kindness matters… loneliness is definitely a thing for our elderly so if you can spare a few minutes occasionally it probably would mean the world to her. Also, she may have cooling issues she is not sure how to handle. Lead with kindness… we all hopefully will get there someday.
I just moved and I have neighbors like this on both sides. They're wonderful but so intrusive.
Is there a back alley between houses you could potentially open up for a way around? We have an overgrown back alley between houses in my neighborhood. I swear if I had a dog, I would mow it/weed whack it myself just to have another way off my property to walk a dog.
All you people saying interacting a couple times a week would fix this - it doesn't. My neighbors want to stop for conversations every time I go in and out of the house. Like multiple times per day. I am an introvert, and it's exhausting. I feel your pain.
Is her AC actually running? I knew of a neighbor that was so elderly and poor, she sat outside on her porch, because she couldn’t afford to run the AC.
Elderly people may sit on the porch so they don’t feel so alone. People watching is comforting.
5 minutes of kindness could save you hours of annoyance and replace it with fulfillment from being a good human to someone clearly needing it.
Well said. It's amazing what small kindness brightens a lonely persons life.
Agree. She is lonely and trying to improve her mental health by sitting in the fresh air and people watching. If OP just takes a minute to visit every couple days this will improve not only the neighbors mental health but will help them with the social skills they admit to be lacking. A simple act of kindness can be life changing for both of them.
While I'm not \*that\* old lady, I'm 'that' old lady even though I'm not that old but apparently to some I am elderly. It's very difficult not being able to connect with neighbors, that moment or few of just being friendly can make my whole day.
My grandma is 91 and she loves when her neighbors come up and say hello to her when she’s on her porch. Granted they probably do it to be nice (because they know she likes it) lol, there are still a few who you can tell certainly appreciate/enjoy it. They are genuine and I think it even helps them “stay sharp” by trying to remember what their fellow neighbors are up to or in need of. I know what it’s like to not want to catch up or feel talkative, but seeing first hand how it makes them feel has made my kindness more patient and even just an acknowledgement of them while you’re busy in passing means a lot to them.
Just a hello even. I'd love to be able to say hello to your grandma, too.
Exactly! I am a master of the head nod and hello. 😆 But you are so kind! It really is a gift to be able to be around the older and wiser. They remind us to slow down and pay more attention to one another.
I understand. When we were first married we knew all our neighbors and any of us felt fine just dropping in for a visit without calling ahead. Now we only know a couple of the neighbors and only one of them would I feel ok just dropping in. It’s very sad. There is no real sense of community anymore. Nobody is ever outside anymore either, even kids are not outside playing.
I honestly don't understand it. I run into people of all ages who are experiencing this same loneliness and inability to make friends, even within their own age groups. I'll be friends with just about anybody, young or old and everything in between. I have friends, but am not friends with any of the neighbors. I miss how things used to be.
I earnestly enjoy hanging out with my friends. Occasionally. 95% of the time, I'd rather be alone, in my lab/workshop building stuff. It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out with people, I just need MUCH less of it than most other people. Like so much less that I'd rather not see or hear people unless I'm feeling the need to. As for sense of community: It's not that there's no sense of community, a lot of people are just burnt the heck out from being worked like a slave and barely having enough money to feed their families. Luckily I'm no longer in a situation like that, but there are more people in that boat every day. It's not that they don't want to talk to you, they just don't have enough mental capacity left to do that and find a moment to themselves before passing out for the day.
With all due respect, people watching is very different than demanding attention.
I agree that this should be confirmed, especially if OP's in a super hot climate.
As soon as my dog pees and poops I have to head out to work. She probably just retired, and out of her mind due to boredom. Maybe talk to her once or twice and figure out "why" she is trying to make contact. Also depending on the day, 90 outside but 80 in the shade with a light breeze is more comfortable and cheaper than inside with AC.
Right - sounds like she's just lonely. It's not the worst thing in the world to be friends with your neighbor, as long as she's not offensive. Talk to her when you can and let her know when you're too busy to talk. One line that works for a quick escape: "Sorry Gertrude. Sparky and I really need to get going." Insert the correct names and use whenever you like. Then feel free to head out on your walk, get in the car, go to your backyard, go back into your house, or proceed to the destination of your choice.
90 degrees is just about right for me. I like it warm, hate it cold. I’m 61 now but have always been this way. I’ll mow in the 90s, walk, bike ride, do outside stuff. And i detest AC; only use it with 90s and if there’s high humidity.
She’s annoying cause you’re trying too hard to avoid her, just chat for a few minutes a couple times a week and the other times just say you gotta run
I'm a big fan of the nod, smile and wave, then walk on. It is friendly, it acknowledges their existence, but you just keep doing what you need to do, no hard feelings. If they clearly want you to come over, point the direction you're going and smile as if to say "sorry, friend, I'm headed this way!" Maybe a nice cheerful "have a good one!" Bottom line you're under no obligation and a little shellac of friendliness can go a long way. I understand the need to avoid conversation.
Agree. Routinely chat with her two times, wave, smile, and walk the other times. Pretty easy practice to develop your skills.
Yep!
Yep; gotta relieve the pressure before the pot boils over. FWIW, I’m in same situation. But worse. Aaaaanyways, just talk to her for 5-10 minutes twice a week max and the rest of your week will be pleasant when you wave ‘hi’ and shout have a nice day as you go about your business.
I’m lucky, my daughter loves old(er) people and willingly chats with them when she walks the dog. Now i am able to just wave and carry on with my day when I don’t feel like chatting 😂
In my youth, I would have thought this was annoying, but as I get older and I see my parents get older, I think of them doing the same thing and just being lonely. Go over and chat.
Yeah this is silly. “My lonely/elderly neighbor likes dogs and being friendly. How can I tell her I never want to see or hear from her again. “ OP it sounds like your neighbor is trying to be a good neighbor. Just talk 5 or so minutes and go in with your day. If you need a conversation topic talk about how f-ing hot it is.
The opening line is weird. My lonely neighbor chats every time I see her but I don't want anything bad to happen to her or her house. Was that on the table??? I thought this was heading to something more serious than, well, a little chit chatting. lol
This is the answer. You will get good karma points.
This is more of a "setting healthy boundaries with others" type question, as you probably guessed by mentioning your lack of social skill. If you are in therapy, this would a great skill to talk about and practice. Your neighbor sounds bored and lonely. It's not your job to fix that, however, you can establishing a neighborly balance between trapped in your house and yelling.
I agree with your advice and also many others who suggested that OP chat with her a couple times a week when timing is good but when not just be honest and straightforward about it. OP isn’t obligated to be her friend or her entertainment - just focus on simply being a good neighbor but setting those boundaries.
One of the best things the vendors at home depot taught me was how to not make eye contact.
Absolutely! One of my next door neighbors is A Talker and I have learned to avoid looking. Works like a charm.
The change seemed sudden…did her partner, friend, child die? It’s not going to kill you to understand her loneliness before you decide she’s annoying.
This. My neighbor developed what we think is Lewy-body dementia over the last few years. It took us as a collective to be able to recognize it and help. And I still feel badly that we didn’t put it together earlier, or do more, even though you can only do so much. I wish I had a lonely chatty neighbor lol.
Thanks for saying this
It honestly makes me so sad how many comments pointing out the obvious (that the old lady is likely lonely) have been downvoted. What sort of society are we becoming that you’re literally downvoting people that are encouraging someone to show empathy?
I agree…so many people talk about how everything is going to shit and fail to recognize that the single biggest part of things NOT going to shit is living in strong community with others. Mutually “taking care” of each other with kindness.
This is literally the world we are living in. People don't want to know or care about their neighbors or anyone outside their orbit. I grew up in the 80's-90's and we treated our neighbors with so much respect; cut their grass, checked on them etc.. We live in such a hedonistic world.
Many people sit outside on their front porch. The elderly did this as kids. It's normal to them. It's okay to wave and keep going if you don't have time. As others have mentioned, talk to her when you have time to see how she is doing. She sounds like a nice person who may be lonely. Think positive.
Sorry! Don’t have time today! See you later!
it sounds like she is lonely and needs friends. maybe there are some lady groups around that she could join.
This is the universe giving you a chance to not be a horrible person. Take it.
I was trying to find the words for this. Being kind and friendly could entirely change her day. You have the power to make a real difference in someone’s life. Remember, one day that could be you. People die, move away, etc. it’s possible to have a big tight group of friends for some years and then suddenly nobody. Life is tricky.
This is it. Just be a nice person. It’s not hard.
He's not horrible if he is not always willing/able to chat. Why so judgmental?
Because OP is victimizing himself by claiming he’s a “prisoner” because a neighbor wants to talk to him. Give me a break.
Just wave at her and keep going. If you end up talking to her sometime and she asks why, say you're walking to exercise or something and don't have time to stop and chat.
There are a number of little old ladies (and a few gents) in my neighborhood and my senior dog (14) loves them all. She's got a whole route through the neighborhood to go visit them. Do I hate making idle chitchat about the weather? Yes. Do I enjoy hearing the juicy gossip about so and so over on the next block? Also yes! I do have to remind a couple that she can't have treats every day. But mostly they're just lonely widows/widowers trying to break up the monotony of the day. If you're in a rush or don't feel like stopping to chat just give a quick wave and a casual hi and then proceed on with what you're doing.
You will never get burgled when you have a nosy old lady sitting on the porch all day. Give her a brief hello and some chit chat from time to time to thank her for the free neighbourhood watch services she is providing. I read an interview with a professional house burgler, and he said that nothing makes him decide to case out a different area to rob more than a nosy old lady sitting on the porch.
In a neighborhood I used to live in, it was one of those where no one knew or acknowledged each other, and a house got burgled big, like they took their time. The one neighbor who kind of saw it said, basically, “I don’t know, I assumed they were moving, people were loading up a truck. I don’t know them, I figured it was them and didn’t pay any more attention than that. Dark truck of some kind?” Even now, I recognize the neighbors but there are only a few houses where I would be able to say, something isn’t right here. I guess having an old person outside taking everything in constantly WOULD be an excellent service at the low cost of waving and occasional small talk.
For real, my sentiments exactly. A wonderful Vietnamese family bought the house next door to mine, and besides being a pleasure to have as neighbors, they use the garage as somewhat of a living space. They have a propane burner, a table & a few chairs in the space beside their new minivan. They often are generous in sharing the food they make in there and it’s pretty damn delicious. The two elderly fathers- in-law live with the young family (the mothers -in-law already passed away) and they are always out front or there in the garage at that table with the garage half open. Anytime I go out of my house one of them or another family member is always there. At first I was self conscious, but I got over it. I always will have a smile for them & I will always make time if they want to talk. I want them to know they are welcome. They don’t care if my shirt’s on backwards & my hair is sticking out! Our neighborhood is bad sometimes with property theft but no way someone could be messing with my house with those old men on watch!
My dog made friends with an elderly woman down the street I myself am no spring chicken. But I was really glad to see the joy they brought to each other It’s inconvenient, maybe odd. But a few minutes a day can really brighten some one else’s day.
Watching my parents (boomers/ I was adopted) and grandparents get older one thing I realized is their circle starts to get really small. The kids have their own families to worry about, their friends may be living in a facility or passed on already, and most people just don't care to talk to or respect elderly folks period. During covid so many of my parents friends in facilities died from just being lonely as silly as it sounds. Like you said, a few minutes can make a difference.
He's a therapy dog now
I wish. She passed away. I miss her like crazy.
This is your neighbor issue? A friendly neighbor that likes your dog? People live next to meth houses and you complain about this? This is a you issue.
100% OP sounds like a jerk.
I don’t think not wanting to talk to the neighbour every time they go out of the house makes someone a jerk. People are introverts, have illnesses that rob them of energy, are caretakers to other family members, have social anxiety…there are a ton of reasons why someone may not feel up to talking that day. I adore my neighbours but I don’t want to feel obligated to talk every time I leave my house. It seems like OP must be having some stuff going on, if they are stressed by this to the point they can’t communicate without feeling like they are going to have to resort to yelling.
Right, every single time OP comes out they have to talk is a bit much. People have shit to do and only a certain number of hours to get it done since they are not retired yet.
OP has completely over dramatized this > I feel like a prisoner in my own home Please. Really? The nice old lady next door wants to pet your dog and say hi and that makes you feel like a prisoner in your own home? This is sooo easy to navigate but no instead we get this > it will probably end up me just yelling at her. I maintain my position, OP is a jerk.
Likely extremely lonely. I have an elderly neighbor thta traps me sometimes. Will follow me walking away and keep talking, even after I say I need to go. Dude will trap anyone willing to Listen. Even keeps the mail guys from doing their job. Single old People are lonely. They just want company and someone to talk to. Prob why she sits outside, because inside is boring asf all alone and that's her best chance at any sort of interaction.
What is the actual problem? She wants to be a friendly neighbor and say hi to your dog? If that’s the case, the problem is actually you
You feel like a prisoner bc your neighbor wants to chit chat? This is laughable lol
A lot of old people who sit out on the porch do so because there's life out there, inside there is only memories. Inside, there is only silence where once there was a symphony of family sounds. It begins when the last child has left the nest and it's just you and your spouse but you make your own music. One day it's just you.
Beautiful
I understand this OP I don't want to feel obligated to talk to neighbors every time I take my dog out either I'm drained after work and would like to just walk in peace I would be on my phone and just wave as you walk by even I'd you are just pretending to talk to someone lol
Wave, nod and keep walking. Headphones really helps with the avoidance. Kinda gives a good reason if she ever mentions it in the future. Be like “oh im sorry, i usually listen to music or podcast and don’t hear a thing”
She's very lonely..sad
You want to talk to your neighbor about being overly friendly to you and your dog? Also why is it your (or anyone’s) business why she chooses to sit on her front porch? You’re the problem here, not her. I’d much rather have a neighbor like her than one like you.
Lyrics from John prine. You know that old trees just grow stronger And old rivers grow wilder every day Old people just grow lonesome Waiting for someone to say "Hello in there, hello"
Yay for the Prine shout out!
Could be her way of fending off depression. Do her and yourself a favor by being a good human being.
Develop some social skills
She is very lonely. She has at best another 3-5 years. How will you feel about your interactions with her when she is gone? I would be friendly talk for 5 minutes and say “well I gotta go, nice talking with you, have a great day, see you tomorrow.” And walk away.
The "mid-90s" is referring to the temperature, not her age
she only has 3-5 years? Where did OP say anything about her age or health lol
Dude knows something we don't.
/u/justalookin005 is his neighbor
lmao
That'd be a lot longer than my span of patience. No need to mention her age or her health. /s Seriously, if she were an otherwise nice person I'd probably just build in 3-5 minutes every morning to say a quick hello, get the dog some pats and then, "See ya soon!" I'd feel good about it even if it's pretty insignificant.
If the neighbor is elderly or seems isolated & alone, I agree with this. It doesn't have to be every single time, but a few minutes here and there is worth it just to be a decent person and a decent neighbor. It's also good to have "the eyes of the block" in your corner if anything ever happens.
Just nicely tell her “sorry sweetie, don’t have time to visit today” and smile and wave and keep walking. When you do have time, once a week or so, stop and visit for 15 minutes or so.
Must be nice to have no actual problems. "Prisoner in my own home"? Get a grip.
Also why does he immediately jump to yelling at her? Just a sorry can't talk today.
Don’t be a loser. Talk to your neighbor and make friends
Walk the dog the other direction.
I dont really have advice for you, but a friend introduced me to the term "yard spider" for these people, which I find hilarious.
Start learning how to jog
Go the other way? Or get over yourself and talk to her. A few minutes with her is a small price to pay for being a good person.
Can’t you afford a few minutes out of your day? You’ve basically got a free security system (camera). She’s probably lonely.
Wave and keep walking when you don't have time, walk up and chat when you do, it's that easy.
Work on your social skills and go talk to her about it. Stop being such a baby about confrontation, it's as simple as saying "hey I know you like my dog, i'll stop by when we have time but sometimes I don't have the time to stop"
Maybe she’s more interesting than you imagine. I’m a pretty extroverted person. I know a lot of people’s life stories. They’re pretty interesting. Did it occur to you to share something about yourself? For a lot of old people, listening is as good as talking.
When I moved into a neighborhood, there was a gentleman who would open his garage each morning and had a rocker and an ice chest sitting right there. My kids called me at work to tell me about the 'weird guy' who would watch everything. I would always wave when I could take a quick minute and in general just nod and smile as I went by. After a few meetings, I accepted that he was just lonely and looking to watch the world in his retirement. Worked with the kids so they felt safe but we otherwise were just "cordial". Years later, my daughter called me at work and told me that there were weird people who looked like they were casing our house. She was worried - the weird guy next door wasn't home so she didn't know what to do. Seems like she had come to rely on "weird guy" over the years. It's really interesting how sometimes situations and we change. It sounds like you might be a bit introverted like my oldest. I hope you will take the advice of others and say hi when you can and smile and wave when you can't. You never know when weird will become a safety blanket you rely on. For instance, whose going to target your home and/or take your packages when Ms. Edith is sitting there watching their every move!
She is old and lonely. Stop by and let her pet the dog and say hello. You need the social skills and she needs society. You both win
Simple!! Set an alarm on your phone set to go off about x-minutes into your interaction. Quickly say "I have to take this" and depart. With the comfort of knowing your conversation will be short, maybe you might loosen up a little and set the alarm for later next time. Repeat until you've made a friend.
She is just lonely and like you and your dog
She is probably lonely. Maybe look up some Sr activities in the area.
She's lonely. Just say hello and brighten her day. If it were my Mom, I would want someone to do that for her.
I have cancer. I’m about to get a transplant. I wish I was you.
Smile, wave, in a hurry today. have a good day.
Oh, yet *another* post about a Redditor who lacks all social skills? There's no nice way to stay this, so just stop being such a wimp and ENGAGE with your neighbor. By "engage", I don't mean you have to sit and talk with her every day. I mean walk outside confidently, and when she tries to get you to stop, just wave and say "*Hi there!*". If she's more persistent, just say "*Sorry, busy day. No time to talk, but I'll see you around!".* What you're describing is what literally every nice person has to deal with at some time in their life. If you're nice enough, people will want to interact with you. The neighbor across the street from me is like this and stops to talk to me any chance he gets. It's not the end of the world. If I have a minute, I'll stop and talk with him. If not, I'll wave, say "hi", and turn away so I can go about my business. **We need to stop normalizing fear of social interaction.** I'm getting really tired of these posts because they make it seem like agoraphobia is a normal and healthy condition. It's not. If you truly have a problem, seek help (not on Reddit. Go to a professional). If you just have normal anxiety (anxiety is in fact a *normal* emotion), then just get over it (because that's what all mature adults do). I dread interacting with the annoying guy at church who always wants to chat, but I've never felt like I might "just end up yelling at him". Get a grip dude. This is not a problem for r/homeowners. This is one for r/therapy.
Funny. Usually, the same people fake crying on tiktok because they see an old person eating in a restaurant alone are the same people complaining if an elderly person tries to talk to them.
Poor old woman is probably lonely. You’ll be old someday, too. Have a heart.
Wow. This is a you problem
Tell her they need to go potty, gotta hurry
Go out the back door and walk down the alley.
You know OP, I feel you. Don’t feel pressured to chat if you don’t want to. You can still be kind but no need to engage. I personally do not like my neighbours seeing what I do but thankfully we are in good but distant terms. I see them maybe 1 a year though and no one hangs out outside (Canada). I was nice to a neighbour once and he became the neighbour from hell. I knew he was lonely and gave him food and chatted but then he would blast music and lecture me angrily about things he made up about my house after trespassing- it was very strange. He also cut my bushes without asking and they should’ve blocked the road. He also used to paint outdoors while it was snowing but tried to teach us how to paint so ya…..he’s lucky we didn’t call bylaw on him for the noise issues (the end music would shake the house)
Like others have said, she's just going outside so she doesn't have to stare at the walls. Just wave and be cordial and move on with your walk if you're that annoyed. I live in a townhouse development and keeps to ourselves other than the occasional small talk/cordial greetings. She sounds harmless compared to some of the busy bodies and slobs or people that move in never being shown how to access the condo rules.
When you leave your house, fake being on a phone call. Make sure to turn the volume off obviously and just pretend you're on a phone call and keep walking. I do this all the time and it works great.
I think that stopping the urge to yell at her starts with your mindset. Try to develop some empathy towards her. Chatting with you is likely one of the brights spots of her day. You get to make someone smile. Reframe this - you arent beholden to her, but you live in a community and social ties are a part of that. It’s a good thing!
Can’t stop today, in a rush. See ya! Then immediately move on. Buy the tiny training treat if your dog thinks he has time to visit.
You might feel better if you stop, call out a friendly "Hi, good morning. Nice to see you." You'll have made her happy and that's worth a lot. She'll feel less lonely and you'll have been the reason.
I have been through this, I would actively avoid her because if I got cornered it was going to be a while , I just learned to have an exit strategy, Sadly, she passed away from covid,I realize now she was just probably lonely.
It sounds like she's lonely. It couldn't hurt to have a quick convo w/ her. She might have lost someone in her life a few months back, and trying to re-establish talking to 'anyone'. If she's persistent w/ calling your dog, just politely say "sorry, no time for a visit today. Maybe another time", and walk away. BTW, your dog my enjoy the ritual. My dog tends to like the neighbors more than the neighbor's dogs. Go figure.
She’s lonely. Go chat. If 5 minutes from your day can MAKE another person’s day, why not do it? Also, if your dog likes her…even better! Plus you can use your dog as an excuse to leave “welp, gotta go feed Fido. Good chatting Gladys! Talk to you in a few days.” Who knows. You might end up in her will!
I had a sweet old lady next door that did exactly this. Some days I just had to hollar from the driveway and tell her that I can’t come by today because I have to hurry to do xyz……it was true and I’d see her again the next day to enjoy some dog petting and chit chat.
She’s lonely. Try to be kinder.
If you don’t want to talk to her just tell her you have some errands to run and just taking the dog out for bathroom. Or ignore her, or get rid of dog, or move.
Don't let anyone make you feel uncomfortable to leave your home. Just smile and wave and keep it moving. If she continues calling you over, just say "please don't do that or not today". Most of the time I just want to walk my dog and not socialize and come across people who want to chit chat etc. and I try to keep it short and sweet 💕
Might be a good lesson in compassion. Treat others the way you hope to be treated.
Not sure what to do/ say but she sounds lonely
Have you tried sitting on your front porch and get into a staring contest with her?
I walk past an old folks home in the morning where people sit out on the front porch. I’ve struck up the “ol’ smile and wave” from 10 feet away. One man in particular makes sure to be there when I’m on my rounds, so I make a special effort to smile and wave at him and yell about the beautiful morning or the heat, etc. it takes a few extra seconds and then I point to the dog and say “he’s on a mission today” or “”he has business to attend to”. Granted, I don’t go up on the porch, but maybe you could add a bit of small talk to your wave and then point to the dog and say “we’re in training so that he keeps focus on the walk!” That might make her realize not to call to the dog. The other thing is that old people LOOOOOOVE pets and kids. My mom has dementia and lives in assisted living. She doesn’t remember that I visit, but will always remember when I bring the dog! And if little kids are around, she can’t stop watching them. All the other old people are like that too.
My elderly neighbor no longer lives on our street and I miss them so very much. I did visit with them and the visits were long. I often felt guilty because I did not have time and I was short with them once. And I felt this sense of avoiding them several times because I thought, “I just don’t have time to talk right now.” But I swear I always left in a better frame of mind and a better mood after talking to them. They had amazing stories and I learned so much about the world. I tell their stories all the time. (“My neighbor said that when they first moved here…” type of thing.) I miss them so much.
Wave politely and warmly and call out to her to say hello. Then continue on with your pet.
Go see the lyrics from John Prine’s “Hello In There”.
She is lonely. She has probably suffered a life-changing event like the death of a friend. She's trying to connect to the world. If you have it in you, you should indulge her. There's a good chance that if you go over there like every time she'll stop asking after a little while once she feels connected again. Getting old sucks. I never imagined that I would feel so disconnected. If I didn't have my cats, just two. I'm not totally gone off the bend, I'd probably be sitting around at the side of the road myself. I've been tempted to do it anyway. I don't know what switch changed in my head. I think it's because I know that if I dropped dead no one would notice for several months. I know that sounds morbid but you know it's just what starts happening to some of us mentally. The loss of community is weighing. If she has a fence-in yard or something and your dog is of the proper temperament, you might just want to be able to let her babysit the dog for a while. I understand that this could be a painful idea if you're particularly introverted, and it's certainly alien to what your current habits are. But if she's a nice lady, maybe she just needs someone to be nice to her back . Back . You might find it helps your own mental condition to make a connection if you don't have a lot of people in your life. But I don't know anything about your life so I can't say. If you bring cookies you get cookies back. You made a comment about your own social skills, so you're probably an introvert, which is why this probably feels like such an invasion. Turn it from a burden into an opportunity if you can. The fact that you're going straight to "probably end up yelling" It's something you might want to personally explore separately. It sounds like you two are suffering from a loss of community. You just don't know know it as that. Of course this is all based on scant hints Rather than deep knowledge.
Some people are just really lonely and mean zero harm. Listen...... If this is the extent of the issue with your neighbor, consider yourself amazingly lucky. Want to feel like a prisoner in your own home? Wait until you literally cant stand your neighbor or you get into a mini "war" with one. Just wave and keep walking. Keep it friendly. According to you, she's been nothing but cordial. Keep it that way.
Wear big obvious headphones (even if there is nothing playing). Dont look her direction. Keep the dog moving and pretend you don’t see her. Sometimes stop and chat so it doesn’t seem like you’re purposely avoiding.
Having an old person that sits around all day watching everyone's comings and goings isn't necessarily a bad thing. Consider a few short conversations on occasion cheaper than a security system. And good social skill practice.
Go out the back door. :)
Just wave hello and keep going.
For the past 20 years an elderly couple has lived next door to me. They pretty much kept to themselves. We nodded at each other in the back alley when taking out our garbage or complained about the weather when we were both out shoveling snow. Then the wife died. Now the husband has no one to talk to, no one to keep him company. He sits on his front porch with his beer and the radio and waits for people to walk by. He hails them in a friendly manner and invites them up to the porch to share a drink and some conversation. I started going over to spend some time with him and found that his company is actually quite interesting. He has a lot of old stories to tell from his life. Along the way we got to be pretty good friends.
I would just start sneaking out via the backyard or wait til she pops back inside for a nice glass of unsweetened iced tea. I have a couple of non stop babbling neighbors that I have to utilize those tactics with.
Stop being a dick and have a conversation with your neighbor for God sakes,
If I had to guess, probably many decades older than you? Do you really want to help? You don't have to visit. But maybe get her in touch with the local senior center or department of aging, drop off their schedule. Maybe she likes dogs, probably some dog parks in the area you can mention to her, or find local therapy dog program she can go visit with dogs or have them come to her place. Does she live alone? Then even more important to help her. You or someone you know might be there yourself one day. She's not calling you over for nothing, she's lonely.
Do you have another door you can exit/enter from without her seeing you?
Silly me, I'm trying to spend all the time I can with my neighbor, we're 4th generation neighbors, he's a good friend. I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I can, not because he's moving or anything like that. He's dying. I can't imagine him not being there. Go talk to your neighbor, it may suprise you, you might enjoy it and become friends.
"sorry, can't stop today!" With a friendly wave. Practice in the mirror if you have to.
How terrible to have to talk to an elderly woman who may be very lonely. Amazing how people can go through life so self centered without a care in the world for anyone but themselves.
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Even waving with a cell phone in your hand can work, although some people still don’t get the point
Not sure how this is annoying, just wave and say hello. Maybe ask her to join you.
Wow. If I found out my neighbors couldn’t take a minute to say hello and exchange light pleasantries I sure as sh*t wouldn’t go out of my way to say anything if anything happened to their house or property while they were away. She’s a neighbor, not a coworker.
One day maybe you're going to be the one who's going to be old and lonely. I'm sure then you would love that someone spend 5 minutes of their day to say hello and let you pet their dog. So be nice to her.
I have one of those neighbors but is an old man in an electric wheelchair . I swear he hides behind trees and then comes zooming down the street when he hears anyone come outside. Then you can’t get rid of him. I wait until after dark to take my trash out to the road now or I’ll be stuck talking to him forever
I legitimately hope you’re never in your neighbor’s position.
Better than the neighbor I have that whenever my dogs walk onto her sidewalk (not even near her grass), she sits behind mostly closed blinds and knocks on the window passive-aggressively. They also put out little signs about dog poo and pee on the grass between the sidewalk and street.
We had a crazy old man living next door to us when I was a kid. He’d sit out there eating watermelon and drinking beer, occasionally kicking a cat off the porch. My mother hated him because he was lewd and lascivious, sneaking a peek when she’d be sunbathing. He also mowed down our irises one time. But I didn’t understand all this and would talk to him like I would anyone else. Mom would get mad at me for talking to him. One time she hosed him down. Then he got his hose and she ran into the house to escape. Not suggesting you get into a hose fight, but for some reason your story made me think of the crazy old man next door who sat on his porch all day making hacking noises.
Horrible analogy.
Wasn’t an analogy.
“I’m going to keep walking my dog.” Then walk off.
Work on your social skills. This is so completely inconsequential.
She sounds lonely. It probably means a lot to her to see you and your dog, makes her feel seen and connected with others.
She is seems lonely. Be a decent person and check on her.
She sits out on her porch because she’s lonely and she hopes to chat with neighbors or passersby. You could consider being kind and spending a few minutes with her every day or two.
Get better social skills.
One day You may be old person sitting on the porch looking to talk to the people that go by. Make her day.
It makes me so sad that your comment got downvoted because it is the absolute truth. As someone with social anxiety, I completely understand the feeling of wanting to avoid neighbours, even the lonely old lady/gent next door (have had more than one in my life). But then I remember that one day I may just be that lonely old lady next door and I really hope that, when I am, I have a kind next door neighbour…so maybe today I can be theirs.
Well I guess the only advantage you have is shes old so she won't be around for ever.
We have annoying neighbors in both side with horribly behaved children. We try to minimize being at home when they’re outside and address the things that are most important with them and not the day-to-day stuff.
Just pretend you don't see her. If your dog reacts to her calling to it, remind the dog to heel.
I had a similar situation. Every time I was outside this neighbor thought it was social time. I couldn't be in my backyard without them coming out to talk to me. I started to feel uncomfortable in my own backyard.
Better than the smokers that always end up renting my neighbors rental! Always ends up being a smoker and they sit on the porch which is behind my yard and pump cigarettes all day
She could have no one. See it all the time hospital side. It’s so common lately for extended stays for folks who need no acute care but need to wait through the process of getting a court appointed guardian to make medical decisions for them. It seems like every unit has at least 1 at all times. Being outside where other people are is likely less painful, if this is the case. You ever see other cars or people there? She ever go out? I know, not your problem, nor should it be. That said, if she suddenly stops appearing you can call the non emergency police line to request a wellness check.
Well if she's in her front yard, just take doggo out to the back yard!
Just as you head out with your dog pull out your phone and hold it up to your ear and begin a very complex and animated one-sided conversation with your imaginary parole officer/proctologist/mental health specialist.
My dad would strike up random conversations with the mailman, ups, Amazon drivers, etc.. At appointments, he'd bog the nurse and doctor down with non-medical questions and advice and completely waste their time. I was so embarrassed. I would apologize to them when I witnessed it. He was relentless and would hold them hostage far too long. I realized he was really lonely and bored. We ended up putting him in a retirement home for his last 10 years, and he had tons of people to talk to, hang with, and they could bore each other for hours...happily. It was expensive, but it was worth it to see him thrive all the way to the end. RIP chatty daddy. LOL.
Just wave and keep it walking
But the real question is, do you wish harm to her and her property?
My adopted mom wouldn't turn the air on until the weather was over 100* (this is in AZ). She was skinny and frail and had cancer so she was cold all the time and the 95* weather felt good to her.
Maybe wear headphones when you walk the dogs? (Corded ones that are obvious to others they are in? Don't have to turn them on but have them in So you can say you had your headphones in).
With old people like that it’s a good way to get sex and cookies. Oh come on, just kidding.
My guess is, she is trying not to run the air to save on her energy costs. Try walking your at earlier and later times. Head in the opposite direction away from her house every other time.
Does she have any kids or caregivers you can talk to? She might have dementia.
Tell her you can’t chat right now, but invite her to come visit at a more convenient time.
Years ago we had elderly neighbors who loved petting our dogs. One day we bought a box of dog treats for the neighbors to give to our dogs when we got home from work. When that box was gone, they started buying their own treats to give the dogs. We would all meet at the back fence and it became a daily routine and only took a few minutes of our time. It was an extremely enjoyable experience for the neighbors, and it was always touching to see them standing at the fence waiting for us. And of course the dogs loved the attention and raced out to get their treat each day. We all missed this when we eventually moved away.
This is why I don't do neighbors. They are getting less private and harder to deal with every day. Eventually she will see something she doesn't like and call the cops on you. This is how they usually turn out.
It seems you’re the annoying neighbor. Maybe learn to use your adult voice and talk to her like a normal person instead of going straight to yelling at her.
Get noise cancelling headphones. Wear them while going out on days you don't want to socialize, but still look over and wave. On days you feel you can have a short interaction, wear them on your neck as you go outside, pop over to say hi, then tell her you gotta be on your way and put the headphones on after you say bye. Easy peasy.
Put big earphones on, if u glance, just do a small wave & keep walking.
While I believe you should share some time with her, a large set of obvious headphones could allow you to ignore her without appearing to be rude.
Uh, Yeah try not to yell at her. That's my first piece of good advice. My second advice is maybe try taking to her the next couple times your dog goes over there. Don't even talk about your dog unless she takes the conversation there. Talk about the weather, what you're doing, ask her what she's doing. Connect for a minute. Offer her some humanity. Do this a couple times and the 2nd time you go over there, if you feel the same way maybe say something about how you're concerned for your dog crossing the road or whatever. But try not to just write her off, she's already probably isolated as is.
If you'd be OK with it, maybe arrange a visit schedule with her and set some ground rules on not waving you over every time she sees you.
Sorry I have till take Rex for a walk. I have to ferry back to work in a few minutes.
my grandmother used to get very cold and always sat on the hot porch. be nice to her— she is old and alone and maybe even dying
Start moving very slowly like you're in slow motion to freak her out
She is most likely lonely. Hold your phone to your ear and nod or wave as you walk quickly by. Or put big headphones on and jog by like you are going for a run. I also blame my dog, as in “he wants to get his exercise so I need to keep walking”
Just put on some head phones and listen to music, and when you walk by smile and Waive.
Just wave and keep going
If you don't feel comfortable talking to her may be write a nice letter to her explaining your social anxiety/whatever it is. I too live in a neighborhood where there are a lot of older people living alone and they sit on their porch and want to chat. Sometimes I'll respond to them from the street, a quick 2 min conversation, and unfortunately sometimes abruptly cut them off with, im so sorry to cut you off, I'd love to stay and chat but unfortunately I need to run! You could maybe engage them and say something along the lines of.. Hi, I wanted to give you this letter. It explains something that's been on my mind. Thank you for understanding. Dear neighbor. I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to explain something that has been on my mind. I have noticed that you often sit on your porch and try to call me over to chat. I appreciate your friendliness and the effort you make to reach out to me. However, I struggle with social anxiety, which makes it very difficult for me to engage in conversations, especially spontaneously. I hope you understand that it's not that I don't want to talk to you or that I am trying to be unfriendly. It's just challenging for me to interact with people, even though I wish it were easier. Please know that I truly appreciate your kindness and hope this explanation helps you understand my situation better. I value having a kind neighbor like you and am grateful for your understanding. Warm regards, Your name
Take your phone out with you and pretend you're on the phone when walking the dog around.
A quick hello visit occasionally but limited time. Explain politely how busy you are and that you will stop by next time you have spare time. Mix it up… kindness matters… loneliness is definitely a thing for our elderly so if you can spare a few minutes occasionally it probably would mean the world to her. Also, she may have cooling issues she is not sure how to handle. Lead with kindness… we all hopefully will get there someday.
Sounds like she is lonely and loves dogs. Wtf is wrong with you. YTA
I just moved and I have neighbors like this on both sides. They're wonderful but so intrusive. Is there a back alley between houses you could potentially open up for a way around? We have an overgrown back alley between houses in my neighborhood. I swear if I had a dog, I would mow it/weed whack it myself just to have another way off my property to walk a dog. All you people saying interacting a couple times a week would fix this - it doesn't. My neighbors want to stop for conversations every time I go in and out of the house. Like multiple times per day. I am an introvert, and it's exhausting. I feel your pain.
Headphones