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A: “…..Johnson, what am I looking at?”
H: “Our dinner.”
A: “Wh- *one* dinner?”
H: “Yes.”
A: “For just the two of us…?”
H: That’s correct.”
A: “…That has to have upwards of 12,000 calories in it.”
H: “15,000, actually. I used to chow on this stuff when I got back from a hard day of farm work on Earth; could easily go through two a day.”
A: “…”
H: “Hey, it was either this or the leftover nutrient paste from last night, and we’re out of that one flavor powder you like.”
A: “…I think I’ll manage with that.”
H: “Eh, your loss. More for me!”
A: “…You actually plan on consuming all of that in one sitting?”
H: “Yeah, duh. I’ve found it gets unpleasantly dry if you leave some for leftovers.”
A: “Uh… right. I, should, um- …go grab the paste…”
*Walks out into the hallway, inputting a number into their holo-communicator*
A: “Hello, station medical staff? …I have SEVERAL questions…”
"Human Carl, I do not like this game," S'ven said, waving his antennae in the air. It looked like he was waving them in excitement, but Lieutenant Carl knew from experience that it was a sign of distress.
"I'm sorry S'ven, this isn't a game," he said sadly, loading another ketchup bottle into the makeshift rifle. "Well, it *was* a game, but then *somebody*... **I won't say who**... turned off the safeties on the nanoprinter!"
"It was an honest mistake!" Ensign James said, panicking as he checked the cutlery in his bandolier, selecting the most balanced spoon of the lot and shifting it into a throwing position.
"Right, and then you just *happened* to load Return of the Rottweiners..."
"I wanted to play some VR..."
"Through the ships AI to translate the code to the nanoprinter?"
James cringed as Carl waved the ketchup rifle in his direction. Technically the worst it could do was spray tomato paste in his eyes, but that would still hurt. But technically, Carl looked angry enough he might forget it was a "rifle" and just use it as a bludgeon. The rules of the game didn't allow for players to hit each other, but then, it wasn't a game anymore.
"I... was hungry. I couldn't convince the synthesizer to spit out any deli meat larger than my fist, I thought it just needed a model to work f..."
"BRATWURST AT SEVEN O'CLOCK!" S'ven yelled, interrupting them. The cat-sized arthropod leaped behind low cover, throwing a handful of pressurized salt packets at the doorway as two enormous sausages slowly hefted themselves through the gap, giving a low moan as the flavor powder sizzled on their synth-flesh. Carl hosed both down with a spray of ketchup from the rifle, before snatching a makeshift revolver loaded with mustard packets and emptying it into the lead sausage. With a satisfying *whump* it collapsed to the floor, overwhelmed by the flavor as it slowly dissolved into a greasy pile of condiments. James let fly with the spoon, embedding it far deeper in the second sausage than a plastic space spork reasonably could have gone, and the monster staggered backwards and began its own dissolution. There was a brief moment of silence, pierced only by the panicky whimpered breathing of S'ven peaking over the couch. His species had evolved on a planet mostly devoid of predators, he didn't quite have the same training his two former-infantrymen crewmates did on handling combat.
"Alright, listen," Carl said, the irritation still plain in his voice. "We're not going to get anywhere near rec-deck, that's where these stupid culinary monstrosities are coming from so they're thickest there. But we might be able to make it down to engineering and reboot the ships AI."
"She doesn't like it when we do that," James pointed out, retrieving his spoon and wiping it on the couch, earning a disapproving glare from S'ven.
"Yeah, well, she usually shows that by fucking with the water pressure, not sending carnivorous charcuterie through the ship!" Carl snapped, loading a few relish packets into his revolver. "Look, we push our way through to the barracks. Luckily most of the crew is on rec leave, and I know Ensign Park has been making his own Kimchi so we can restock on ammo there. Probably find a handful of ramen seasoning packets too, and if we're lucky Corporal Rice wasn't joking about trying to pickle fruit so we'll have some brine. Then we push through to medbay, the Gorlo's blood is mostly acetic acid and glucose so the synth-ages should recognize their plasma as BBQ sauce. That should get us close enough that we can make one final push to engineering and reset the AI, which should make the rec-deck unable to print more of thos... HAMBURGER PATTIES IN THE VENTS! DEFENSIVE POSITIONS!"
The alien just didn't understand the intent for food artistry, of all things.
"You ever have the intrusive thoughts of eating the pointy thing on an ancient compass?" The Human asked, looking at the food art of said compass on the menu.
"No." They couldn't help but to cringe.
"I did, my great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpa made one of these, for fun!" He beamed.
"That's... A long line since you knew about your artist grandfather." The alien was lost about how many times he said 'great' to say how long ago his grandfather was.
"Things had been better documented since then, so I know where I got my own food artistry from." He says proudly. "Anyway, what's an old Human thing you ever wondered what it would be like to put in your mouth? I want the compass, a knife, and a gear piece!"
The alien stared.
"Come ooon, you have to eat something." He pouts.
"I would rather eat that mayonnaise slime than to possibly cut my mouth open."
The Human stuck out their tongue as they pulled their head back in disgust at the description.
"You don't have to experience possibly cutting your mouth open, they have safer ones if you want." He shook his head.
"Fine, but if even the safer ones cut my mouth open, you're paying for my medical bill." They gave in.
The Human beamed again, proudly ordering what he wanted and eagerly waited for his friend to order. The alien, of course, chose the safer versions of the possibly dangerous mimics of real items.
The alien stared at their meal after it had arrived.
"Dig in!" The Human began wondering where to start on his meal.
The alien picked up the fake knife, inspecting it. They gently plucked a piece of the faux blade from the knife, seeing that it had the faux crystal cookie treatment, before gladly yet carefully taking a bite.
They couldn't help themselves afterwards, the alien had fun, especially when it came to the crystal cookies.
“Human friend Amanda?”
Yes Quillzic?
“I know you are trained in close quarters combat, but your skills with that knife are… terrifying. Do you really need to chop that plant based food ingredient that quickly near your digits?”
Dude. Chopping veggies is simple. I also have my fingers curled, see? Best a misplaced chop will do is scrape off some skin.
Thanks for appreciating the knife skills. I wanted to be a chef before I got boy crazy and got pregnant. Ruined that dream. Replaced it with a better and more immediate one. Pass me the steak.
“Here you go, I must say, you slice that very efficiently.”
Key is to have a stupidly sharp knife. Cuts through this like butter. Now we add seasonings. Some pepper…. Wait. Checking. Awww. Okay. So going through my normal stuff.
We have poison, causes severe gastrointestinal distress in your species, poison, woah, don’t go near that container!, and ultrapoison. Fuck. This is going to be the most bland steak ever.
“You could cook it with your items and cook me a plain one.”
Cross contamination is a thing, I would never risk my cinnamon roll. Hell, opening any of these with you in the room is dangerous. No wonder the cafeteria food is so bland.
There goes my aunt’s Puerto Rican rice. No tacos. Can throw out all Asian food.
What the hell kind of food can I make you that is complete safe and absolutely bland?
I do not know. Why are you making your happy face?”
____________
“This is amazing, Amanda. What is it?”
Cottage Pie. No lamb or it would be Shepard’s Pie instead. Meat, veggies like carrots, corn and peas, and covered in mashed taters. Safe.
“So exciting.”
…
*internal weeping*
We are a long way away from the spheroid sandwich. Look at this thing! The bread is clearly broken from where it’s been bent! Truly a terrible thing to have happen to a sandwich
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
https://preview.redd.it/p6mzq5b1l0ga1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d8eab12847e1744abf59860f0932ab5ea0f4ed3d A: “…..Johnson, what am I looking at?” H: “Our dinner.” A: “Wh- *one* dinner?” H: “Yes.” A: “For just the two of us…?” H: That’s correct.” A: “…That has to have upwards of 12,000 calories in it.” H: “15,000, actually. I used to chow on this stuff when I got back from a hard day of farm work on Earth; could easily go through two a day.” A: “…” H: “Hey, it was either this or the leftover nutrient paste from last night, and we’re out of that one flavor powder you like.” A: “…I think I’ll manage with that.” H: “Eh, your loss. More for me!” A: “…You actually plan on consuming all of that in one sitting?” H: “Yeah, duh. I’ve found it gets unpleasantly dry if you leave some for leftovers.” A: “Uh… right. I, should, um- …go grab the paste…” *Walks out into the hallway, inputting a number into their holo-communicator* A: “Hello, station medical staff? …I have SEVERAL questions…”
"Round meal, macaroni and beef. Servs three MEN" That vid was pure gold
“WOMEN C A N N O T EAT THIS”
I feel compelled to go out and buy one of those to eat for the express purpose of proving that statement wrong.
Well the thing’s apparently just a photoshopped creation that doesn’t actually exist, so… good luck with that :P
THEN I SHALL MAKE IT AND PROVE THEM WRONG! [spite level up]
They’ll never learn about us humans…
The challenge has been accepted. I *will* find a way.
How to do it: BOIL in BAG, OPEN and ENJOY
PROTEIN BLASTED 🤜🎉
Win a visit from Dave
I raise you Fiesta Pail taco special
God I love that clip
FLAVOR BLASTED.
Wait what is this beautiful picture I am looking at? WHERE DO I FIND ONE???
It’s a photoshopped meme pic (un?)fortunately. …You could effectively mimic it by just making a shitload of burger mac tho.
George’s favourite snack
"Human Carl, I do not like this game," S'ven said, waving his antennae in the air. It looked like he was waving them in excitement, but Lieutenant Carl knew from experience that it was a sign of distress. "I'm sorry S'ven, this isn't a game," he said sadly, loading another ketchup bottle into the makeshift rifle. "Well, it *was* a game, but then *somebody*... **I won't say who**... turned off the safeties on the nanoprinter!" "It was an honest mistake!" Ensign James said, panicking as he checked the cutlery in his bandolier, selecting the most balanced spoon of the lot and shifting it into a throwing position. "Right, and then you just *happened* to load Return of the Rottweiners..." "I wanted to play some VR..." "Through the ships AI to translate the code to the nanoprinter?" James cringed as Carl waved the ketchup rifle in his direction. Technically the worst it could do was spray tomato paste in his eyes, but that would still hurt. But technically, Carl looked angry enough he might forget it was a "rifle" and just use it as a bludgeon. The rules of the game didn't allow for players to hit each other, but then, it wasn't a game anymore. "I... was hungry. I couldn't convince the synthesizer to spit out any deli meat larger than my fist, I thought it just needed a model to work f..." "BRATWURST AT SEVEN O'CLOCK!" S'ven yelled, interrupting them. The cat-sized arthropod leaped behind low cover, throwing a handful of pressurized salt packets at the doorway as two enormous sausages slowly hefted themselves through the gap, giving a low moan as the flavor powder sizzled on their synth-flesh. Carl hosed both down with a spray of ketchup from the rifle, before snatching a makeshift revolver loaded with mustard packets and emptying it into the lead sausage. With a satisfying *whump* it collapsed to the floor, overwhelmed by the flavor as it slowly dissolved into a greasy pile of condiments. James let fly with the spoon, embedding it far deeper in the second sausage than a plastic space spork reasonably could have gone, and the monster staggered backwards and began its own dissolution. There was a brief moment of silence, pierced only by the panicky whimpered breathing of S'ven peaking over the couch. His species had evolved on a planet mostly devoid of predators, he didn't quite have the same training his two former-infantrymen crewmates did on handling combat. "Alright, listen," Carl said, the irritation still plain in his voice. "We're not going to get anywhere near rec-deck, that's where these stupid culinary monstrosities are coming from so they're thickest there. But we might be able to make it down to engineering and reboot the ships AI." "She doesn't like it when we do that," James pointed out, retrieving his spoon and wiping it on the couch, earning a disapproving glare from S'ven. "Yeah, well, she usually shows that by fucking with the water pressure, not sending carnivorous charcuterie through the ship!" Carl snapped, loading a few relish packets into his revolver. "Look, we push our way through to the barracks. Luckily most of the crew is on rec leave, and I know Ensign Park has been making his own Kimchi so we can restock on ammo there. Probably find a handful of ramen seasoning packets too, and if we're lucky Corporal Rice wasn't joking about trying to pickle fruit so we'll have some brine. Then we push through to medbay, the Gorlo's blood is mostly acetic acid and glucose so the synth-ages should recognize their plasma as BBQ sauce. That should get us close enough that we can make one final push to engineering and reset the AI, which should make the rec-deck unable to print more of thos... HAMBURGER PATTIES IN THE VENTS! DEFENSIVE POSITIONS!"
Just had to play off stifling a laughing fit as a severe cough to the rest of my coworkers. …That is to say, amazing work wordsmith :P
This is like the better version of Sausage Party. Amazing.
What, no sound check?
Quite a few phrases of this belong in r/brandnewsentence. Such as "hamburger patties in the vents. defensive positions!"
Here's a sneak peek of /r/BrandNewSentence using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/BrandNewSentence/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [rawdogged this entire flight](https://i.redd.it/mhob67hwwh7a1.jpg) | [2265 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/BrandNewSentence/comments/zsmi81/rawdogged_this_entire_flight/) \#2: [Mental illness gray](https://i.redd.it/w09zznp2at991.jpg) | [979 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/BrandNewSentence/comments/vs0u4d/mental_illness_gray/) \#3: [Vegan hunting](https://i.redd.it/qtpeqe5qdcc91.jpg) | [716 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/BrandNewSentence/comments/w21lyw/vegan_hunting/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
This is amazing
The alien just didn't understand the intent for food artistry, of all things. "You ever have the intrusive thoughts of eating the pointy thing on an ancient compass?" The Human asked, looking at the food art of said compass on the menu. "No." They couldn't help but to cringe. "I did, my great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpa made one of these, for fun!" He beamed. "That's... A long line since you knew about your artist grandfather." The alien was lost about how many times he said 'great' to say how long ago his grandfather was. "Things had been better documented since then, so I know where I got my own food artistry from." He says proudly. "Anyway, what's an old Human thing you ever wondered what it would be like to put in your mouth? I want the compass, a knife, and a gear piece!" The alien stared. "Come ooon, you have to eat something." He pouts. "I would rather eat that mayonnaise slime than to possibly cut my mouth open." The Human stuck out their tongue as they pulled their head back in disgust at the description. "You don't have to experience possibly cutting your mouth open, they have safer ones if you want." He shook his head. "Fine, but if even the safer ones cut my mouth open, you're paying for my medical bill." They gave in. The Human beamed again, proudly ordering what he wanted and eagerly waited for his friend to order. The alien, of course, chose the safer versions of the possibly dangerous mimics of real items. The alien stared at their meal after it had arrived. "Dig in!" The Human began wondering where to start on his meal. The alien picked up the fake knife, inspecting it. They gently plucked a piece of the faux blade from the knife, seeing that it had the faux crystal cookie treatment, before gladly yet carefully taking a bite. They couldn't help themselves afterwards, the alien had fun, especially when it came to the crystal cookies.
“Be careful out there everyone, someone has been taking the razor blades out of my children’s Halloween candy”
"ma'am, that was rock candy"
“Human friend Amanda?” Yes Quillzic? “I know you are trained in close quarters combat, but your skills with that knife are… terrifying. Do you really need to chop that plant based food ingredient that quickly near your digits?” Dude. Chopping veggies is simple. I also have my fingers curled, see? Best a misplaced chop will do is scrape off some skin. Thanks for appreciating the knife skills. I wanted to be a chef before I got boy crazy and got pregnant. Ruined that dream. Replaced it with a better and more immediate one. Pass me the steak. “Here you go, I must say, you slice that very efficiently.” Key is to have a stupidly sharp knife. Cuts through this like butter. Now we add seasonings. Some pepper…. Wait. Checking. Awww. Okay. So going through my normal stuff. We have poison, causes severe gastrointestinal distress in your species, poison, woah, don’t go near that container!, and ultrapoison. Fuck. This is going to be the most bland steak ever. “You could cook it with your items and cook me a plain one.” Cross contamination is a thing, I would never risk my cinnamon roll. Hell, opening any of these with you in the room is dangerous. No wonder the cafeteria food is so bland. There goes my aunt’s Puerto Rican rice. No tacos. Can throw out all Asian food. What the hell kind of food can I make you that is complete safe and absolutely bland? I do not know. Why are you making your happy face?” ____________ “This is amazing, Amanda. What is it?” Cottage Pie. No lamb or it would be Shepard’s Pie instead. Meat, veggies like carrots, corn and peas, and covered in mashed taters. Safe. “So exciting.” … *internal weeping*
We are a long way away from the spheroid sandwich. Look at this thing! The bread is clearly broken from where it’s been bent! Truly a terrible thing to have happen to a sandwich
Not to mention eating that would be a pain. Too much work for too little payoff.
Human five year old: “I want my sandwich to be a triangle, but don’t cut it.” Human Adult: “Challenge accepted!”
[Aliens must fear Vihart](https://youtu.be/GTwrVAbV56o)
That was certainly some of the 3 minutes of my life ^I ^love ^it
Angriest upvote I have ever given.
Someone double-decker this triwich plz
*I do not approve of sandwich dodecahedron*
Ok, but can we do a grilled cheese version?
Well, this one [might not be quite what you’re expecting,](https://youtu.be/BlTCkNkfmRY) but I can confirm it is still heavenly.
OK. Seriously, this would work really well for PB&J.
As a human, and a former industry rat, I can confirm this shit 100%… one should also be excited depending on the skills of the meal preparer.