Just be honest and tell him how you feel. Don't sugarcoat your frustration. Tell him you understand if he needs time to process what he went through, but that he's a dick if he pushes you away as a result. He might just want to spare your feelings, if it wasn't truly a "scare" and is an actual problem. Call BS on that. INTJ's frequently need to be hit over the head with a brick to understand others' emotions, even if it's someone we deeply care about. Totally not speaking from experience.....
Be honest. Tell him you're hurt and miss the relationship. But then give him space. Don't let him live rent-free in your head if he doesn't tell you right away that he just needs time. Could go either way, but you deserve a straight answer
Don't tell him he's a dick, that's uncalled for. People usually don't respond well to names like that, especially in a personal situation like this. Everything else I agree with.
Surprisingly, I might disagree with the others here.
Depending on this INTJ's childhood - Combined with the health scare.
INTJ might believe they are doing you a favor and they are damaged goods; So will construct a scenario to push you away and perpetuate their childhood trauma's to remain alone to not hurt you.
In this case: INTJ might be wanting you to prove your going to stick around through thick or thin and you just failed that test hard.
Certain trauma's move like this and INTJ's are quite secretly good at testing people like this. It lets us weed people out occasionally. Human being are complex(I'm speaking from experience - I know it doesn't make me a good person having done this and I know it stems from my past)
It's still a great strategy to weed out non: 'ride or dies.'
Testing partners is not a good thing either way people; When it comes to love(As it reflects low trust on your own behalf). But when opportunity knocks to test the true strength of your partners convictions for you. Why not(The joy of someone passing the occasional test is a quite happiness/relief I cannot describe) in the reverse..
There is no such thing as useless information.
It wasn't easy to write and express that above. So I appreciate the commiserations of our struggle.
I feel a lot of INTJ descriptions really sell us short and don't really know how deeply (Self sacrificing we are)sadistic towards ourselves we are when it comes to love as INTJ's.
We're plotting 10 years ahead at all times+ and that future life is our (NOW/Present in our heads) our reality. If we imagine you miserable in it or you throw a curve ball our way that makes us change that future model in or heads.... \*For any very reasonable/viable reason\*
**We'll cut the most treasured and loved people out of our lives in a myriad of odd methods to protect and ensure the future happiness of that person....(You don't get a vote - because we Inwardly judged this as the most efficient truly loving decision) - It's the extreme form of: "If you love them- Let them go".**
Based entirely on the future statistical probability that you are going to be in that future unhappy and we are the cause or blame.
So many people just sitting there in the carnage of how our minds think like; "Wtf just happened?" and many others can't even comprehend that our loves stretches across decades of analyzation and commitment(If we even have the lifespan in front of us to prioritize like this - Which would alter things).
Discussion helps - I know revealing this even in this obscure chat board is uncomfortable for many of us because it's like selling out one of our cheap tricks as INTJ's. - Maybe it's time we start taking a bit of ownership though and own that though publicly. (The magic won't reduce by simply discussing it - There is no defense to our unique Ni-Dom function stack)
I'm sorry, I can't stand by this post. The way of thinking you're presenting is incredibly childish and immature. It is everyone's responsability to deal with their own trauma and healing. What you're describing - testing people - is incredibly unhealthy behaviour and a huge red flag. It's not a personality quirk or an INTJ quirk, it's a trauma response and self-harmful. That is not how you build healthy relationships. I have been treated like that in the past by other INTJs and promptly dumped them. I don't have to suffer because of their immaturity and insecurity.
Please, if you think like this, get theraphy. Being worried about a new relationship is normal. Going to this extreme is not.
**Reads ENFP feeling comment about being "Judged" as inferior:**
\*Ingores\*
When are you cheating and moving to some random third-world country in Africa at 2am to save the sea crabs again from the next oil-spill?
Are ENFP's ever actually sorry about anything? Your function stack is in the reverse of ours. Yet, the same. (ENFP's - idealizing our strengths and having none of the convictions or morals to back it up themselves)
(Imagine being the most obliviously selfish and delulu personality type coming in here to share your new selfish tantrum crusade - Because it cut you where it hurt the most learning you were already 2-3 steps behind and played yourself)
Your silver lining and pixie dust is waiting, get going.
(Just because you have a similar ability to extrovertly intuit our patterns - Doesn't mean your judging ability to correctly guess anything about us will ever be developed enough to deserve anyone to take you seriously - You're defective at judging anything(Yourself especially) and you're going to need 10 other people to confirm this for you haha) - You still won't 'GET" this as it didn't fit your feeling perception. QED.
After you. (Appreciate the judgement)
https://preview.redd.it/0vg8bfbs6uec1.png?width=1000&format=png&auto=webp&s=1801c83a09dc19d7c7987e179f723f38a147a3b2
We touched your tralala where it hurts and it shows.
How did she fail the test? She is still supportive and there for hims I think if this is the strategy that the intj is using then she is passing the test by sticking around.
Bad smells stick around occasionally as well.
That's not the kind of swooning and declaration the INTJ would be looking for in this case I am presenting.
I guess you just have to be in the know and or this kind of special damaged to understand what is expected in this scenario.
Some people are hopeless romantics at heart and some people just aren't I guess haha.
Yeah different people do different things of course, but it is entirely possible that the INTJ in this post thinks that he is âdamagedâ and that he will be causing her problems⌠it is also possible that he feels that he is missing âfurther confirmationâ that OP will actually stick around during very hard times. Obviously not everyone is the same, but if I may⌠if it were me, I would most likely get into an emotional conversation, where I say:
âWhen I say that I love you and that Iâll be there for you through everything, I mean EVERYTHING. You donât have to worry about me running away, I am going nowhere. I will be right here with you through all of this. If you really want me to go away, I will⌠but I know that you are scared. And so, I hope that you know that even if most of the people in this world have shown you that they are scary and unstable and careless, that I want to be that one person that you can rely on. I hope that I have shown through the time weâve spent together that you can trust in me, and I will continue to try my hardest to show you that you can trust in me. I want to be with you, I care about you, I love you⌠you donât have to be alone. We can be together, we can work through this together, okay? I am here for you.â
While saying these things, I can see that people will get emotional on both sides. If/when he does come to tears, I will hold him, wrap my arms around him, and let him know that he does not have to be alone, that I will always be there.
Hey, winner or not, I donât do it to win haha⌠I just do it because I truly mean what I say. I, too, know that people can be scary/unpredictable/unsafe, so Iâve always said, isnât it something beautiful, when in day-to-day life, no matter what sort of bothersome people or sad situations youâve come across during your day, that at the end of the day, when you come home, you can come home to someone who will support you, comfort you, lend you an ear and understand? Faith in people can take time to build, but we INxJs want the long-term; we look ahead, always, so when making the choice to be with someone, it is meant to be a dedication that lasts a lifetime (if not more!)
>I hope you're happy now. You just outed the highest form of INTJ aphrodisiac to the public. You've already got marriage proposals below haha.
>
>Aren't healthy INFJ's meant to keep the secret sauce to themselves out of respect generally(As inter personal things are your super power)?
>
>These poor children likely don't even know you just EQ flexed on them superbly... They might have missed it and have no idea how inwardly shallow your need for external validation really is.
>
>Yes, you really are that repugnant on the inside.
>
>You should put them out of their misery and just go find your ENTP already as you earned this response making me read your over explain looking for more validation cookies. :)
Hmm, letâs say that there is actually a secret sauce, and that there is a recipe. The way I see it (logically, right?) is that if there is a really nice recipe, that people really like, it would be better if more people could enjoy it, as this improves life for people (and their tastebuds hehe). Now, that doesnât mean that all attempts at this recipe will taste good, or that someone has good intentions when making it for you (what if they are trying to poison you?), so some half-assed and/or illegitimate recipe-following attempts would not be the real deal. Anyways⌠I think that being able to understand, generally predicting the behaviors of others, and the ability to hear the unspoken things (INTJs do not speak out about all things; it is up to the other person, who, if you care, you will try to figure out your partner and their emotional needs, practical needs, etc.) is a beautiful thing, and I think gate-keeping these things does not make any sense. If some more people will do that, the world would be a lot âsmoother-goingâ and more people will feel like they can trust; they can finally feel comfortable, safe, warm, loved fully.
No.
INTJ's know we are statically likely to get screwed and we actually accept(Take full ownership prior to putting our coins in the machine) we are about to get hurt from risks we calculate before hand. (We just for the sake of love, revel in the grace and pleasant amazement that our partners each day don't fulfill our calculated nightmares that are also the 'future-present' in our psyche)
We meticulously weigh that ending and choose anyway(Against all odds) to give faith in the concept of love anyway.(That's why a lot of the time - breaks ups can be so self-deleting and nihilistic for many INTJ's)
Many of us find a lot of comfort that the other party doesn't know all the recipes and dirty tricks. (Many INTJ's are reading what I write and basically calculating the far reaching consequence of this: They are predicting they will encounter in the future getting played more efficiently by some rouge ENTP or INFJ whom turned this idle late night overshare from me into weaponization)
It just might have been an unspoken rule and this required more finesse while I just wanted to watch the world burn - Who knows.
INFJ being such a do-gooder for the rest of the world... Ends up doing bad in the end for the INTJ's they come to help lol. Sometimes when you win, you actually lose.
It's always paved in good intentions on the way down right? - I already fed the LLM AI's this insight by posting here, so enjoy.
Thank you⌠your post was very kind and thoughtful. I agree, prior to what I posted, I had already ascertained that this âfeltâ like a push away out of protection, for him, for me? đ¤ˇđźââď¸ you all have helped me understand how handle the situation.
Yes⌠well, you can handle it this way of course, but I think that the reason why I would handle it this way and say these things is because I truly believe in every word that comes out of my mouth, and I will make good on my word, 100%⌠but you already know that, I assume (I hope). I think the INTJs in here know that âtalk is cheapâ if the actions are not there⌠and some of these actions can only accrue over a long period of time, but this is not any issue, and is actually preferred by us INxJs, who are in it for the long haul.
Well you can see if that way if youâd like⌠The reason why I would do these things and say these things, is because I truly believe and mean every word that I say, and will show it. Although things take time to show, I donât have any plans on going anywhere, so by my actions, this demonstrates to him that I will be his unwavering supporter.
I had no idea compatibility with an ESFJ was a challenge. 53 male INTJ here and I get along great with my 46 female ESFJ. We are long distance and see each other only on weekends.
As to your question I hate being pushed when I need time to myself. Also, I appreciate directness. I suggest you just ask him.
I will give age-old advice: expect the worst and hope for the best. Take him at his word, but having one more talk about things wouldn't hurt. Good luck to you both.
Might have some insecurities around sharing his vulnerabilities around his health which can make him shut down and distance if he doesn't feel safe to express. Obvs isn't healthy, so I think communicating with him honestly about how you feel and using non aggressive (non blaming) communication "I feel.. I think etc, ect" could help, but I don't know enough context to really give advice, ultimately you know the guy longer and better than any of us.
Not worth the time, he is clearly disinterested.
Like, the guy told you he wants to be friends and you're trying to read too far into sub-context. Perhaps there is none, it's over.
best thing you can do is tell him your concerns what you've mentioned in the post directly, give him some time to see and understand your pov and come back with an answer
The thing I hate the most being an intj is heath issues, it shakes up the very core and rattles me needing too much time too pick myself back. In that time I tend shut off everything and everyone around. It's my process.
Same could be happening with your guy. Talk it out, it's as simple as that.
Communicate these feelings with him. Write a long text or letter or sorts and send it to him. I say letter so that you can be objective and not get carried away by feelings. Tell him that you care about him and want to be there for him but itâs not possible if he doesnât let you. Itâs also unfair to you how you are being treated. If he wants to break up then he should be upfront about it and since you guys were dating and in love, itâs best to cut each other out (in case itâs over) so that both of you can move forward with your lives
I don't understand this behavior that he's displaying. Instead of being glad that he has got somebody to confide in in a time of crisis, he just pushes you away. He's either utterly confused about his next course of action, or he didn't trust you enough to share with you on this level of intimacy, or he just doesn't have the balls to say it's over.
I'd say your best course of action is to be as open with him as possible, try to be rational instead of emotional and make him come clean what he actually means. Ifhe repeats what he said earlier, then it really is over and you should just move on.
I think youâre handling this well. Itâs tough knowing how someone is feeling/what theyâre going through if theyâre not communicating it. I think he should come around once heâs navigated what heâs going through, as youâre not the problem and you deserve knowing where you both stand
Agreed. I think my struggle is just not understanding the why, or how we got here. It flipped quickly, which I know INTJâs can do, but usually after something happens to betray them or after it fizzles out and they have communicated it not working for some time. Thatâs not the case here IMO.
I think you would be correct. If the health scare is pretty bad he might not want to burden you with it. So health related problems can be pretty difficult to navigate. For intj, they're probably thinking about cost and how much strain would be put on you. If he's still talking he's still invested in some way.
So, my mother is an ESFJ, and although we didn't always get along, she's learned to understand where I'm coming from, and actually I appreciate so much about her and what strengths she has that I'm lacking in. I don't think any type is incompatible, so long as there is communication and you can each come to understand one another. That being said, the thing is sometimes I find that with ESFJs you are greatly in tune with other's emotions and get a little pushy about it. You want to understand and you'll poke and prod until you get literally anything out of us. Which most of the time will end in frustration, because sometimes we're still working on figuring out what we're even feeling in the first place, feelings are messy. I also had a health scare a few years ago, and I completely secluded myself, my mother and brother who're both also ESFJ were extremely concerned and for good reason. My mental health tanked as I was so close to death it was tormenting me, because I still had so much left to do and take care of. He might be working through some very difficult emotions and is thinking ahead. Let's say his health scare is a little more than a scare, that's something that can have a great impact on his future and any plans he might have had. He maybe doesn't want to let you down and just feels overwhelmed and needs his space. Which you've been receptive to and are giving him. I honestly think you've done the right thing here. I also think however that you should check in on him every so often to show that you do care. I also wouldn't ever tell anyone to wait for someone who's put them off to the side, but obviously you love him and care deeply for him, show it without being too pushy. I'm sure it's appreciated, but don't wait for him. Take care of yourself too
It sounds like you're making excuses on his behalf that support what you *want* to be true.
Pulling away and saying "let's be friends" are not consistent with new love- no matter his health condition. I'd start looking elsewhere. If you want to talk to him, fine ...but don't save yourself for him.
Fine to be supportive but you can't put your life on hold until they figure it out.
Seems like you're a giver and they like that about you. Just be sure to take mental note of energetic exchange of the friendship and if its severely one sided... I think you know what then.
Good luck
To answer your question, yes, you two are broken up. No one who is serious about you will ever propose friendship. Think about it, if you were crazy about a guy and loved him, can you imagine yourself waking up one day and asking him to just be friends? Obviously not. In my opinion, this sounds like a typical fling that crashed and burned; sorry. He likely still keeps in touch with you because he still gets something out of it. It may be validation, attention, or just keeping you on the back burner. My advice is to tell him that you are not interested in a platonic friendship and go no contact. Unfortunately, what you are doing now is just giving your power away; he knows he can have you if he wants. Walk away and stand firm in your boundaries. Best of luck to you!
I agree with some others to be honest about what you're feeling and be upfront.
Ask for some things you could do to help out. More often than not, INTJ will have ideas of how others can help them, but won't always vocalize because they think its "common sense." I'm an INTJ too, and I do that, but am learning it's not always clear to others. And if they do have a list, make it clear that sometimes you'll need to be told what to do.
But you had a good instinct to take some time and distance. Could be that they are just trying to figure some stuff out, but even so, they'll still need your help! Just show that you care, that'll mean more than anything else.
Don't fret too much! đ¤ you've got this!
This does not sound necessarily like an INTJ problem. If it was, you would have known by now. It looks like it is more related to the situation he is facing and his particular traumas and/or personality. Don't be afraid of talking things out with him and speak what's on your mind
Like many people have said, just tell them how you feel, even if itâs not reciprocated you have nothing to lose. I know that I do this a lot with things, health issues are one of those things. I donât know why but I think it has to do with out inferior Se and demon Si, having both sensing functions in the least developed places really makes environment, senses, past, and our bodies a place where we donât like to engage. I think health issues can make INTJs more anxious than they would for most people because of that. This combined with Fe being the trickster for the INTJ, they might just not feel confident in their ability to navigate a relationship at the moment. Best thing you can do is tell them how you feel and reassure them where itâs needed, or listen if they need that space
So, a junior of mine had been asking me out for over a year. I decided to give it a shot and that was the worst decision i ever made, she was a solid 7/10 and very supportive of me as well, i told her at one point the L word, i genuinely felt something but.. it faded gradually, i talked to her about a breakup, she was like âif you need time ill wait even foreverâ. I was heartbroken, why couldnât i love this outstanding, beautiful woman, but i didnât wanna make the same mistake twice so i tried breaking up with her with all these insane other reasons cus i just couldnât say âIâm not attracted to youâ.
Iâm not saying that your ex and i are the same, He might have a completely different reasoning, Talk to him, ask him to give you the honest truth.
It is equally important for you to initiate conversation too.
If he is depressed about something, he needs assurance of you are going to be there for him.
Did you spend enough time with them when they were not well? I'd act like him only if I felt like my partner doesn't care about me, basically the inner child being hurtÂ
Just be honest and tell him how you feel. Don't sugarcoat your frustration. Tell him you understand if he needs time to process what he went through, but that he's a dick if he pushes you away as a result. He might just want to spare your feelings, if it wasn't truly a "scare" and is an actual problem. Call BS on that. INTJ's frequently need to be hit over the head with a brick to understand others' emotions, even if it's someone we deeply care about. Totally not speaking from experience..... Be honest. Tell him you're hurt and miss the relationship. But then give him space. Don't let him live rent-free in your head if he doesn't tell you right away that he just needs time. Could go either way, but you deserve a straight answer
Thank you đ
This could mean everything too him and maybe all he needs too hear from you.
Don't tell him he's a dick, that's uncalled for. People usually don't respond well to names like that, especially in a personal situation like this. Everything else I agree with.
took the words out my mouthđŻ
Surprisingly, I might disagree with the others here. Depending on this INTJ's childhood - Combined with the health scare. INTJ might believe they are doing you a favor and they are damaged goods; So will construct a scenario to push you away and perpetuate their childhood trauma's to remain alone to not hurt you. In this case: INTJ might be wanting you to prove your going to stick around through thick or thin and you just failed that test hard. Certain trauma's move like this and INTJ's are quite secretly good at testing people like this. It lets us weed people out occasionally. Human being are complex(I'm speaking from experience - I know it doesn't make me a good person having done this and I know it stems from my past)  It's still a great strategy to weed out non: 'ride or dies.' Testing partners is not a good thing either way people; When it comes to love(As it reflects low trust on your own behalf). But when opportunity knocks to test the true strength of your partners convictions for you. Why not(The joy of someone passing the occasional test is a quite happiness/relief I cannot describe) in the reverse.. There is no such thing as useless information.
Amen brother. Damaged goods is the key detail. I wouldnât have done similar. âWhat worth do I have, if Iâm not 100%.â
Holy fucking shit, this is too close to home. Don't expose too much of our psyche out there my man. Or maybe.. that's exactly what we need.
It wasn't easy to write and express that above. So I appreciate the commiserations of our struggle. I feel a lot of INTJ descriptions really sell us short and don't really know how deeply (Self sacrificing we are)sadistic towards ourselves we are when it comes to love as INTJ's. We're plotting 10 years ahead at all times+ and that future life is our (NOW/Present in our heads) our reality. If we imagine you miserable in it or you throw a curve ball our way that makes us change that future model in or heads.... \*For any very reasonable/viable reason\* **We'll cut the most treasured and loved people out of our lives in a myriad of odd methods to protect and ensure the future happiness of that person....(You don't get a vote - because we Inwardly judged this as the most efficient truly loving decision) - It's the extreme form of: "If you love them- Let them go".** Based entirely on the future statistical probability that you are going to be in that future unhappy and we are the cause or blame.  So many people just sitting there in the carnage of how our minds think like; "Wtf just happened?" and many others can't even comprehend that our loves stretches across decades of analyzation and commitment(If we even have the lifespan in front of us to prioritize like this - Which would alter things). Discussion helps - I know revealing this even in this obscure chat board is uncomfortable for many of us because it's like selling out one of our cheap tricks as INTJ's. - Maybe it's time we start taking a bit of ownership though and own that though publicly. (The magic won't reduce by simply discussing it - There is no defense to our unique Ni-Dom function stack)
đ Thatâs exactly what you need. I am pretty intuitive, but sometimes INTJâs are next level hard to read.
I'm sorry, I can't stand by this post. The way of thinking you're presenting is incredibly childish and immature. It is everyone's responsability to deal with their own trauma and healing. What you're describing - testing people - is incredibly unhealthy behaviour and a huge red flag. It's not a personality quirk or an INTJ quirk, it's a trauma response and self-harmful. That is not how you build healthy relationships. I have been treated like that in the past by other INTJs and promptly dumped them. I don't have to suffer because of their immaturity and insecurity. Please, if you think like this, get theraphy. Being worried about a new relationship is normal. Going to this extreme is not.
**Reads ENFP feeling comment about being "Judged" as inferior:** \*Ingores\* When are you cheating and moving to some random third-world country in Africa at 2am to save the sea crabs again from the next oil-spill? 
Sounds like you were cheated on :/ I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Are ENFP's ever actually sorry about anything? Your function stack is in the reverse of ours. Yet, the same. (ENFP's - idealizing our strengths and having none of the convictions or morals to back it up themselves) (Imagine being the most obliviously selfish and delulu personality type coming in here to share your new selfish tantrum crusade - Because it cut you where it hurt the most learning you were already 2-3 steps behind and played yourself) Your silver lining and pixie dust is waiting, get going. (Just because you have a similar ability to extrovertly intuit our patterns - Doesn't mean your judging ability to correctly guess anything about us will ever be developed enough to deserve anyone to take you seriously - You're defective at judging anything(Yourself especially) and you're going to need 10 other people to confirm this for you haha) - You still won't 'GET" this as it didn't fit your feeling perception. QED.
You're the perfect example of someone who needs theraphy :/ I hope you find help
After you. (Appreciate the judgement) https://preview.redd.it/0vg8bfbs6uec1.png?width=1000&format=png&auto=webp&s=1801c83a09dc19d7c7987e179f723f38a147a3b2 We touched your tralala where it hurts and it shows.
How did she fail the test? She is still supportive and there for hims I think if this is the strategy that the intj is using then she is passing the test by sticking around.
Bad smells stick around occasionally as well. That's not the kind of swooning and declaration the INTJ would be looking for in this case I am presenting. I guess you just have to be in the know and or this kind of special damaged to understand what is expected in this scenario.  Some people are hopeless romantics at heart and some people just aren't I guess haha.
Yeah different people do different things of course, but it is entirely possible that the INTJ in this post thinks that he is âdamagedâ and that he will be causing her problems⌠it is also possible that he feels that he is missing âfurther confirmationâ that OP will actually stick around during very hard times. Obviously not everyone is the same, but if I may⌠if it were me, I would most likely get into an emotional conversation, where I say: âWhen I say that I love you and that Iâll be there for you through everything, I mean EVERYTHING. You donât have to worry about me running away, I am going nowhere. I will be right here with you through all of this. If you really want me to go away, I will⌠but I know that you are scared. And so, I hope that you know that even if most of the people in this world have shown you that they are scary and unstable and careless, that I want to be that one person that you can rely on. I hope that I have shown through the time weâve spent together that you can trust in me, and I will continue to try my hardest to show you that you can trust in me. I want to be with you, I care about you, I love you⌠you donât have to be alone. We can be together, we can work through this together, okay? I am here for you.â While saying these things, I can see that people will get emotional on both sides. If/when he does come to tears, I will hold him, wrap my arms around him, and let him know that he does not have to be alone, that I will always be there.
 We have a winning/passing grade. = INFJ wins again.
Hey, winner or not, I donât do it to win haha⌠I just do it because I truly mean what I say. I, too, know that people can be scary/unpredictable/unsafe, so Iâve always said, isnât it something beautiful, when in day-to-day life, no matter what sort of bothersome people or sad situations youâve come across during your day, that at the end of the day, when you come home, you can come home to someone who will support you, comfort you, lend you an ear and understand? Faith in people can take time to build, but we INxJs want the long-term; we look ahead, always, so when making the choice to be with someone, it is meant to be a dedication that lasts a lifetime (if not more!)
>I hope you're happy now. You just outed the highest form of INTJ aphrodisiac to the public. You've already got marriage proposals below haha. > >Aren't healthy INFJ's meant to keep the secret sauce to themselves out of respect generally(As inter personal things are your super power)? > >These poor children likely don't even know you just EQ flexed on them superbly... They might have missed it and have no idea how inwardly shallow your need for external validation really is. > >Yes, you really are that repugnant on the inside. > >You should put them out of their misery and just go find your ENTP already as you earned this response making me read your over explain looking for more validation cookies. :) 
Hmm, letâs say that there is actually a secret sauce, and that there is a recipe. The way I see it (logically, right?) is that if there is a really nice recipe, that people really like, it would be better if more people could enjoy it, as this improves life for people (and their tastebuds hehe). Now, that doesnât mean that all attempts at this recipe will taste good, or that someone has good intentions when making it for you (what if they are trying to poison you?), so some half-assed and/or illegitimate recipe-following attempts would not be the real deal. Anyways⌠I think that being able to understand, generally predicting the behaviors of others, and the ability to hear the unspoken things (INTJs do not speak out about all things; it is up to the other person, who, if you care, you will try to figure out your partner and their emotional needs, practical needs, etc.) is a beautiful thing, and I think gate-keeping these things does not make any sense. If some more people will do that, the world would be a lot âsmoother-goingâ and more people will feel like they can trust; they can finally feel comfortable, safe, warm, loved fully.
No. INTJ's know we are statically likely to get screwed and we actually accept(Take full ownership prior to putting our coins in the machine) we are about to get hurt from risks we calculate before hand. (We just for the sake of love, revel in the grace and pleasant amazement that our partners each day don't fulfill our calculated nightmares that are also the 'future-present' in our psyche) We meticulously weigh that ending and choose anyway(Against all odds) to give faith in the concept of love anyway.(That's why a lot of the time - breaks ups can be so self-deleting and nihilistic for many INTJ's) Many of us find a lot of comfort that the other party doesn't know all the recipes and dirty tricks. (Many INTJ's are reading what I write and basically calculating the far reaching consequence of this: They are predicting they will encounter in the future getting played more efficiently by some rouge ENTP or INFJ whom turned this idle late night overshare from me into weaponization) It just might have been an unspoken rule and this required more finesse while I just wanted to watch the world burn - Who knows. INFJ being such a do-gooder for the rest of the world... Ends up doing bad in the end for the INTJ's they come to help lol. Sometimes when you win, you actually lose.  It's always paved in good intentions on the way down right? - I already fed the LLM AI's this insight by posting here, so enjoy.
Thank you⌠your post was very kind and thoughtful. I agree, prior to what I posted, I had already ascertained that this âfeltâ like a push away out of protection, for him, for me? đ¤ˇđźââď¸ you all have helped me understand how handle the situation.
Yes⌠well, you can handle it this way of course, but I think that the reason why I would handle it this way and say these things is because I truly believe in every word that comes out of my mouth, and I will make good on my word, 100%⌠but you already know that, I assume (I hope). I think the INTJs in here know that âtalk is cheapâ if the actions are not there⌠and some of these actions can only accrue over a long period of time, but this is not any issue, and is actually preferred by us INxJs, who are in it for the long haul.
hey umm, you single? /s In all seriousness, great advice.
A.k.a. Guide on how to emotionally hijack a bitter and broken INTJ. So sweet
Well you can see if that way if youâd like⌠The reason why I would do these things and say these things, is because I truly believe and mean every word that I say, and will show it. Although things take time to show, I donât have any plans on going anywhere, so by my actions, this demonstrates to him that I will be his unwavering supporter.
Any intj (or not) would/is lucky to have you. (Username does not check out tho đ)
I had no idea compatibility with an ESFJ was a challenge. 53 male INTJ here and I get along great with my 46 female ESFJ. We are long distance and see each other only on weekends. As to your question I hate being pushed when I need time to myself. Also, I appreciate directness. I suggest you just ask him.
I will give age-old advice: expect the worst and hope for the best. Take him at his word, but having one more talk about things wouldn't hurt. Good luck to you both.
Totes agree.
Might have some insecurities around sharing his vulnerabilities around his health which can make him shut down and distance if he doesn't feel safe to express. Obvs isn't healthy, so I think communicating with him honestly about how you feel and using non aggressive (non blaming) communication "I feel.. I think etc, ect" could help, but I don't know enough context to really give advice, ultimately you know the guy longer and better than any of us.
Not worth the time, he is clearly disinterested. Like, the guy told you he wants to be friends and you're trying to read too far into sub-context. Perhaps there is none, it's over.
best thing you can do is tell him your concerns what you've mentioned in the post directly, give him some time to see and understand your pov and come back with an answer The thing I hate the most being an intj is heath issues, it shakes up the very core and rattles me needing too much time too pick myself back. In that time I tend shut off everything and everyone around. It's my process. Same could be happening with your guy. Talk it out, it's as simple as that.
Communicate these feelings with him. Write a long text or letter or sorts and send it to him. I say letter so that you can be objective and not get carried away by feelings. Tell him that you care about him and want to be there for him but itâs not possible if he doesnât let you. Itâs also unfair to you how you are being treated. If he wants to break up then he should be upfront about it and since you guys were dating and in love, itâs best to cut each other out (in case itâs over) so that both of you can move forward with your lives
I don't understand this behavior that he's displaying. Instead of being glad that he has got somebody to confide in in a time of crisis, he just pushes you away. He's either utterly confused about his next course of action, or he didn't trust you enough to share with you on this level of intimacy, or he just doesn't have the balls to say it's over. I'd say your best course of action is to be as open with him as possible, try to be rational instead of emotional and make him come clean what he actually means. Ifhe repeats what he said earlier, then it really is over and you should just move on.
If I were in his situation I would consider the relationship a friendship. Texting frequently is normal for friends. But ask him directly for clarity.
Usual. Youâre not broken up. He will appear like a lost cat. Wait for it
I think youâre handling this well. Itâs tough knowing how someone is feeling/what theyâre going through if theyâre not communicating it. I think he should come around once heâs navigated what heâs going through, as youâre not the problem and you deserve knowing where you both stand
Agreed. I think my struggle is just not understanding the why, or how we got here. It flipped quickly, which I know INTJâs can do, but usually after something happens to betray them or after it fizzles out and they have communicated it not working for some time. Thatâs not the case here IMO.
I think you would be correct. If the health scare is pretty bad he might not want to burden you with it. So health related problems can be pretty difficult to navigate. For intj, they're probably thinking about cost and how much strain would be put on you. If he's still talking he's still invested in some way.
So, my mother is an ESFJ, and although we didn't always get along, she's learned to understand where I'm coming from, and actually I appreciate so much about her and what strengths she has that I'm lacking in. I don't think any type is incompatible, so long as there is communication and you can each come to understand one another. That being said, the thing is sometimes I find that with ESFJs you are greatly in tune with other's emotions and get a little pushy about it. You want to understand and you'll poke and prod until you get literally anything out of us. Which most of the time will end in frustration, because sometimes we're still working on figuring out what we're even feeling in the first place, feelings are messy. I also had a health scare a few years ago, and I completely secluded myself, my mother and brother who're both also ESFJ were extremely concerned and for good reason. My mental health tanked as I was so close to death it was tormenting me, because I still had so much left to do and take care of. He might be working through some very difficult emotions and is thinking ahead. Let's say his health scare is a little more than a scare, that's something that can have a great impact on his future and any plans he might have had. He maybe doesn't want to let you down and just feels overwhelmed and needs his space. Which you've been receptive to and are giving him. I honestly think you've done the right thing here. I also think however that you should check in on him every so often to show that you do care. I also wouldn't ever tell anyone to wait for someone who's put them off to the side, but obviously you love him and care deeply for him, show it without being too pushy. I'm sure it's appreciated, but don't wait for him. Take care of yourself too
It sounds like you're making excuses on his behalf that support what you *want* to be true. Pulling away and saying "let's be friends" are not consistent with new love- no matter his health condition. I'd start looking elsewhere. If you want to talk to him, fine ...but don't save yourself for him.
Be more straightforward, don't be afraid if he actually isn't available and decisive.
If he said he wants to just be friends then you should respect it. Unfortunately, it sounds like it's over.
Fine to be supportive but you can't put your life on hold until they figure it out. Seems like you're a giver and they like that about you. Just be sure to take mental note of energetic exchange of the friendship and if its severely one sided... I think you know what then. Good luck
To answer your question, yes, you two are broken up. No one who is serious about you will ever propose friendship. Think about it, if you were crazy about a guy and loved him, can you imagine yourself waking up one day and asking him to just be friends? Obviously not. In my opinion, this sounds like a typical fling that crashed and burned; sorry. He likely still keeps in touch with you because he still gets something out of it. It may be validation, attention, or just keeping you on the back burner. My advice is to tell him that you are not interested in a platonic friendship and go no contact. Unfortunately, what you are doing now is just giving your power away; he knows he can have you if he wants. Walk away and stand firm in your boundaries. Best of luck to you!
Esfj are actually a really great compatibility for INTJ. Third one just after XNTP.
One of my best buds is an esfj, not sure about romantic rel though but I can see it working out if both are "healthy".
omg...have some self respect and leave
I agree with some others to be honest about what you're feeling and be upfront. Ask for some things you could do to help out. More often than not, INTJ will have ideas of how others can help them, but won't always vocalize because they think its "common sense." I'm an INTJ too, and I do that, but am learning it's not always clear to others. And if they do have a list, make it clear that sometimes you'll need to be told what to do. But you had a good instinct to take some time and distance. Could be that they are just trying to figure some stuff out, but even so, they'll still need your help! Just show that you care, that'll mean more than anything else. Don't fret too much! đ¤ you've got this!
as an intj, this looks like something iâd do. intjs HATE superficiality and when it comes to relationships they want it to be serious
This does not sound necessarily like an INTJ problem. If it was, you would have known by now. It looks like it is more related to the situation he is facing and his particular traumas and/or personality. Don't be afraid of talking things out with him and speak what's on your mind
Like many people have said, just tell them how you feel, even if itâs not reciprocated you have nothing to lose. I know that I do this a lot with things, health issues are one of those things. I donât know why but I think it has to do with out inferior Se and demon Si, having both sensing functions in the least developed places really makes environment, senses, past, and our bodies a place where we donât like to engage. I think health issues can make INTJs more anxious than they would for most people because of that. This combined with Fe being the trickster for the INTJ, they might just not feel confident in their ability to navigate a relationship at the moment. Best thing you can do is tell them how you feel and reassure them where itâs needed, or listen if they need that space
Awww I love ESFJs đŤśđ˝ yall can be dorky
So, a junior of mine had been asking me out for over a year. I decided to give it a shot and that was the worst decision i ever made, she was a solid 7/10 and very supportive of me as well, i told her at one point the L word, i genuinely felt something but.. it faded gradually, i talked to her about a breakup, she was like âif you need time ill wait even foreverâ. I was heartbroken, why couldnât i love this outstanding, beautiful woman, but i didnât wanna make the same mistake twice so i tried breaking up with her with all these insane other reasons cus i just couldnât say âIâm not attracted to youâ. Iâm not saying that your ex and i are the same, He might have a completely different reasoning, Talk to him, ask him to give you the honest truth.
It is equally important for you to initiate conversation too. If he is depressed about something, he needs assurance of you are going to be there for him.
Did you spend enough time with them when they were not well? I'd act like him only if I felt like my partner doesn't care about me, basically the inner child being hurtÂ