I always dropped my chipmunks off at the HOA president’s house

…Then fine them for having unregistered pets

Love this lol

The HOA hate is real! 😂

HOAs hate this one simple trick..

ALVIN!!!!!!

Hey not for nothing but I have a “hearing” next week with the HOA because I didn’t ask permission and fill out he proper form before doing improvements that the entire board told me to do at my last hearing for my kids leaving their bikes in the yard between bike rides

Ah! Yeah. It’s just that we’re putting new cover sheets on all the TPS reports before they go out. Please I hope you get this reference!

How despicable! Such wayward behavior deserves nothing short of life imprisonment! I hope they spoon feed you a heaping tablespoon of justice with an iron fist at your hearing!

Lmao. I plan to be at the community pool working on my tan during the hearing. There are 3 ways to deal with bullies. I don’t want to be HOA president and disappearing people is frowned upon. So I’m gonna go with ignoring.

For those interested, he keeps ignoring the potato and eating the vanilla wafer cookies 🍪

I mean, I would too

He’s got discernment 🥨🦫

He’s gonna have diabetes if he keeps eating those cookies.


If you're in the States, call your local/state's department of parks and wildlife. I did that when I found a Fledgling Great Horned Owlet once. I didn't know his parents were around until the wildlife officer got there (on a Sunday, mind you) and noticed his parents in a pine tree near him. Momma was MADDDD at the wee baby by the sounds she was making. If you can buy some dishwashing gloves or, ummm, a local feed store could have some long gloves farmers use to help animals (cows, sheep, horses) give birth, you can wrap him up like a "purrito" and get him warm. Don't use a heating pad. It could hurt him.

Are you sure you’re not a gopher?

Hm it seems I have more in common with this gopher fella than I thought.

He’s a creature of the underearth after all of our hearts ❤️🦫

Have you tried lowering a basket with lotion into the bucket?

It’s 4 am and I’m on Reddit crying now. TY 🤣

"It rubs the lotion on its body!"

I mean...you didn't cut it up and fry it. I wouldn't eat the potato either.

Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew

What's 'taters, precious?

*PO-TA-TO?*

That would be because they aren't vegetarian. They eat grubs and worms.

When the refined sugar hits:😵‍💫🍄🐇🕳️✨

I don't know your plans, but if you want to keep him warm, place a towel/rag (that you're good with throwing away) in the microwave. Once it's warm (not hot) place it in the bucket with him. If you relocate him, he won't make it. He won't be familiar with the new area, he won't know where to get shelter or water (or vanilla wafers) and he'll be an easy target. I understand. Don't feel bad because you care about him - treating animals well is a good thing. If the thought of being part of his demise is too much, put him back exactly where you found him. Best of luck to you (and him).

This is correct and kind.

Exactly. Every living thing is just a thing trying to live.

This reminds me of the Hozier lyrics from "First Time" "To share the space with simple living things Infinitely suffering But fighting off like all creation The absence of itself"

I needed to hear this. I’m about to clean out under my deck today bc my dogs keep doing crazy down there.

I had a double take skimming this comment.. > I don't know your plans, but if you want to keep him ~~warm~~, place ~~a towel/rag (that you're good with throwing away)~~ in the microwave

fellow skimmer here who did the same thing lmao

I was feeling all warm and fuzzy from reading the original comment then read yours and got a big belly laugh. What a great Saturday.

Me too!

Instructions unclear… placed gopher in microwave

no way to really know if he will or will not make it... relocated animals may die alot but some of them will definitely reestablish themselves its a numbers game

Schrodinger’s gopher.

This one also looks too young to really know it’s area. Edit: Just now discovering Gophers aren’t Grpundhogs.

Just be sure to dampen the towel first!! Putting a dry towel in a microwave is a fire hazard, especially the longer you keep it in for

Golf course.

*Golphers! Not golphers you idiot!*

“Oh we can do that. We don’t even have to have a reason”



Beat me to it 😂

The furry little rodents

(Lebowski voice) Obviously you are not a golfer.

Not sure if we have one but I’ll check Google maps right now.

He's joking dude. Caddyshack.

Damn I feel old all of the sudden

Doesn't help when people didn't get the joke either because it means the population who has seen the movie is dwindling.

Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts

Lol oh okay.

The entire movie is just jokes. It’s very quotable

I hear this sub is restricted, Raj, so don’t tell them you’re Jewish.

How about a Fresca?

How do you measure yourself against other golfers? By height

Another 50 says he eats it.


Give him a stern talking to, and let him back into your lawn. You sure he aint a father?

Lol okay, bad gopher no roots for him. No I’m not. Oh no do you think he has a family nearby?

Yes, gophers pick a yard and boom family. You’ve got momma or daddy there and you’re breaking up the family! HOMEWRECKER!!!!

DEVIL!!

Take him to the train station.

Great Yellowstone reference.

Like by the tracks?

On

[ Removed by Reddit ]

You seem nice, so I won't tell you what I would have done with it.


He is kinda shaped like a tiny football…

Just begging for a YEEEEET!

Go-for-it


​ https://preview.redd.it/lsbnx9t74u3d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6aade40972900c529ca6bcceee297b4cfa0d770c

I chuckle. Every. Damn. Time.

You seem nice too, just maybe don’t prefer a gopher’s company. I know many would have killed it, I just can’t.

Don’t kill it and try and release it nearby. It’s the only area he knows and he’ll die if you bring him too far away.

Good to know. How far is too far?

Do you have a neighbor you didn't like? Start there.

Yes but they’re next door haha. Though the people down the street burn rubber pas midnight and I don’t think they’re smart enough to catch a gopher XD

i dunno why but the "they burn rubber after midnight , fckin idiots could never catch a gopher" is hilarious to me

We have a winner, then

About 200 yards in any direction, I’d guess

Is that 600 feet or 200 residential properties? The latter may be far enough.

That’s 72 bald eagles away. 🇺🇸

How many burritos is that?

Clarifying question, do I have to go further away if one of those properties doesn’t have something that I would consider a yard?

Not sure. Still trying to convert to banana scale

Woodland is best. They can be a pest species in agricultural areas as well as gardens.


But… but he can’t fly.

Not with that attitude he can't. Have you tried having him drink some red bull?

Any open field away from your house?

There’s a park some miles away. Public park. There’s a field near the government buildings.

Well now that we know government is nearby, go put in their courtyard! If they complain tell them you’ll fix the yard when they fix all the pot holes.

Hehe, I like this idea 👾

Where I live it’s illegal to trap and move any wild animal, but killing it is fine 🤷‍♂️

The bureaucracy at its finest, am I right?

It's because releasing it somewhere other than its home will likely cause it to suffer...and if it does make it, you’ve made your problem someone else’s. It's the crueler choice.

Also a very good way to spread invasive species.

I caught two moles the other day, I just set them free on a field nearby. I dont know why everyone here is so murder happy

Awesome! How far away did you go? There’s a park but it’s a few miles.

Maybe don't post on the Internet about planting moles at government buildings. The NSA might get the wrong message.

*cough cough* I would never do that, nope. I was, uh, just giving a geographical description of my local area. I love the Big Bureaucracy and want more.

Find your local IRS office and let it go in their grass.

I’m being charged an application fee AND and application *acceptance* fee for my passport so I support this message! XD


Are you sure it’s a gopher? Tail looks a little strange… At least to what we call a gopher around here.

Tail looked odd to me too but I’ve never caught/seen a full gopher in real life. Mole rat maybe?

Looks like a vole to me

https://preview.redd.it/9vfos8qh7u3d1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4bd8a5027332c9419c18f88b2c050fc1e08ac31 The snoot looks wrong for a vole. Plus he’s got those big meaty gopher hands.

I would consider what OP caught a muskrat. Haven’t heard of pocket gophers before.

Sometimes when I'm alone and bored I put my hand in my pocket and gopher it.

I'm from South Louisiana, sooo ... first you make a roux, dice some onion (I'M JOKING!)

too small, too much work. now a nutria on the other hand...

Baw! What!

That sounds exotic!

Don't forget the celery and green pepper. The holy trio

The Trinity .... awww yeah.

I have celery! I’ll give him some I don’t think he’s supposed to like vanilla wafers lol.

Haha, run gopher! Tastes like chicken lol.


Ask it “wanna gopher a ride?”

Most laws say if you catch, you kill. You can't release it anywhere residential...even just a open field near homes...

Imagine actually getting convicted and punished for such an offense

Had to come too far down to find this

Guess you have a new pet since you don’t want to put it out it’s misery.

Can you keep gophers as pets?

No and he will die... It sucks but unless you want him in your yard

Throw him on the smoker at 225. Give it about 45 minutes. Rest for 10. Thank me later

I don’t think he knows how to operate a grill.

Only one way to find out. Make it earn it's keep

You’re right, with cookies and potatoes he’s dangerously close to getting spoiled.

You wouldn't marinade prior to?? You monster

Just salt pepper garlic powder. Booom ratatouilles cousin is done. For my gym goers it’s a solid 23 gs of protein (with the tail)

But I wanted the tail for my keychain 😕

Let him finish his potatoes and ask him…..

He’s taking his sweet time! 🥔🍽️

Launch him from a potato gun.

Do you have an Ex wife? Drive by and dump it in her yard

I don’t, and I feel like keeping him long enough to get an ex wife will cause me to be too attached.

He will just return in the future, you are his parent now.

I think this is how Disney films start.

Maybe he will help you turn into a Michelin star chef? 😂

Get some saliva plants to run'em off, super easy to grow and beautiful. Any garden place should have some right now. Think marigolds and lavender run them off, I know mosquito's hate them.

Fill the bucket halfway with water. It’ll solve your problem.

And you feed it a potato and a vanilla wafer?

I did some research and gave him the potato. He seemed uninterested so I offered the vanilla wafers I feed the birds and he accepted XD


More potato’s…. Celery. Onion. Water. Slowly bring to a boil, reduce to simmer.

Legally speaking, most places require you to release on the property it was caught on, or euthanize it.

Fucking psychos in this sub. Take it to a forest near by and let it go. No sense in harming it. It’s just doing what he’s wired to do.

Gonna call wildlife resucite and if that doesn’t work it’s off to Waller Park for a life in the witness protection program!

that's my thought as well. You'd think we were in /r/hunting or some shit.

I would think more along the lines of r/futureserialkillers lol. Most hunters I know and even when I use to hunt, had the mentality of harvesting only what you needed and no life wasted. People that kill small critters for inconveniencing them is just some murderer shit.

Why did you trap something with no plan on what you’d do with it?

Does he have a British accent or tiny monacle 🧐? He might be from overseas and just lost

It’s a BRITISH accent! I thought it was just a speech impediment. I’ll buy him a ticket, I don’t think gophers need passports.

That looks to be a muskrat. I imagine there is a pond nearby that is missing them.

I wouldn't worry about it unless it's causing extensive damage to lawn, plants, or inground stuff like pools. Gophers can also be helpful by aerating and fertilizing the soil as well as mitigating some bug issues like grubs (particularly nasty this year). And if there is plant damage, there are other options for deterrence like mothballs. There are even some specific plants that deter gophers such as castor beans and Crown Imperials (and beautiful!). Lots of options exist rather than disrupting the food chain in your space. Gophers are mainly herbivores, but they are also known to eat grubs. No gopher = more bugs. Gophers get eaten by raptors (hawks/falcons). No gophers = fewer raptors. A place for everything and everything in its place, as the saying goes. Good luck!

Looks like a dirty rat.

I live trap all the time at my house, I live in the edge of suburbs before everything is farmland and woods. So we get lots of critters some too big to trap like deer groundhog rabbits etc. I drive to a massive 3,000 acre nature reserve, take a lil hike and release. Don’t really care if that’s not legal because I’m not killing them for existing on my property. If I get caught fine me sue me don’t care. It’s a harmless wild animal that I’m sending back to the wild.

Just let it go. Unless it’s sick or injured, it doesn’t need any help. At this point you’re just scaring it.

https://preview.redd.it/tkdhyf4f0w3d1.jpeg?width=2000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=722708bea8420115278a5754f91535c539a1eb35 He just wants to get back to his family.

Train station

I'm sure that you don't like ALL of your neighbors.

Former Wildlife Control Operator What you should do is hand this off to a rehabber,fish & wildlife, or a state licensed trapper, depending on your jurisdiction and options. However I understand that's a bit much for some folks. I've seen comments saying that if you relocate him, that he's sure to die. This is far from true. Yes, relocation of animals does increase the risk of mortality, but so does living in too close of proximity with humans. Choose the area carefully, preferably in the same county and similar conditions to where you live currently while still being away from people. Quietly release him. There's a non-zero chance he could come back, or die shortly after; but there's also a chance he could pull through and thrive. Such is nature. Best of luck.

That’s a rat. Gophers don’t have a leathery skin tail.

That caught me off guard too, but online research says it’s a Plains Pocket Gopher.

Aww… let him return to his burrow. Or call local wildlife rescue and ask for suggestions.

Y’all are awesome in this sub, I’m so glad I came here. I would have left him where he was but my mother won’t have it hehe. I’ll look up local wildlife rescue right now, there should still be time to call.

Send it to university of Minnesota

Lol. Give it a gopher backpack 🎒 and send it to school 😆

Let him outside, that’s where they live

Let him go free. Don't kill him, or dump him out of his territory, where will die. Just let him go. Poor little fellow.

They make shitty tacos, so not a butcher...

They live in dirt, I’m not surprised their they’re inexperienced with such dishes.

There are no neighbors that have pissed you off?

There are many. I’m not sure he isn’t a gift from one of them lol.

Teach it to swim.

Take it to any HOA board member’s lawn.

Its not the best angle but that looks like a rat to me.

You have any neighbors you don’t like? Or just anyone with a nicer lawn than yours? 😂

If it is sick, take it to the gopher Dr.

The Love Boat?

Not Big Ounce caught slippin!


Minnesota

Local golf course would love it

Just drive him a few blocks away if you don't want to kill it

Just let it go. Please we kill enough living beings on this planet.

Back where you found him?  Why’d you catch him?

In most states it’s illegal to relocate a nuisance animal(gophers included), and illegal to capture them without a license as well.

You trapped a baby gopher and you want to relocate it??? Jesus lol

You know that house with the person that annoys you? There. It’ll be a good home.

Just keep him I guess