If you believe the children are actually in danger you can call CPS, but do not do this lightly.
>Hank moves to another state to live with our parents and transfers job there.
Bad decision which he should not have made without figuring out how it would impact custody.
>Hank doesn’t feel like lawyer is doing anything and “fires” them.
Also a bad decision.
> Everyone involved is not well educated and feels like lawyers, insurance, and court are all scams.
You've done what you could, OP. The court system is the only recourse here. If your brother isn't willing to participate, there's nothing you can do.
As for the kids, I just know that she is living with friends and a new boyfriend and in the past has let a family member who hurt her around the kids and he then hurt my niece. I don’t know to what extent. I don’t trust her judgement, so I worry about their long term health. Mostly mental health. I don’t think there’s anything going on that would warrant a call to CPS, but we also don’t live close by, so we wouldn’t know if there was.
Depending on what form of abuse said family member did to her, and then you know hurt your niece, there is no statute if limitations on that. If someone SA her, report it to the police in her area, and the local CPS chapter. They will do a forensic interview of the each child individually WITHOUT any parent in there. Unfortunately I speak from experience on that small part. I didn't know until my kid told me. If the mother has allowed it before. She will allow it again. Good luck!
I’m not sure what happened. Cathy vaguely posted about it on Facebook some time ago and said she was cutting off that family member. I wish I had more info because I know nobody there reported it.
Well, if you can find that Facebook post, take a screenshot. You can still report it as knowledge of it happening and nothing done about it. They will probably ask why you took so long to report it. If you thought it was, you can tell them that.
Everyone? Or just you and the family? A lot of people don’t limit the actual privacy settings and than just block people. Make another account and try to see if she left the default settings on.
OP I agree with this! I would make a fake account, so post several days in a row of stupid stuff, then friend request her if her profile is set to private. Good luck hun!
Enlist a spy. Someone you’re mutuals with but they act like they don’t talk to you anymore or someone they don’t know at all just sending them a request. My best friend is going through a custody battle and the mother has been making wild accusations online and harassing people close to my friend, like their bandmates and old roommates. I had a friend she doesn’t know start following her to get info. This other friend unfollowed me and my bestie so it’s not suspicious. She accepted the follow and now we get screenshots of the bullshit she posts.
Hank needs a lawyer and a forensic accountant. If he doesn’t want them that’s his choice I guess and there’s nothing you can do.
Your parents gave away $200k and I can’t imagine a situation where they have any legal claim to the money.
Sounds like this is really a Hank problem. You can’t actually do anything. You need to accept the fact that Hank will likely continue to make poor decisions.
You can offer your love and emotional support. It’s not your responsibility to solve his problems.
Thinking I should be solving other people’s problems is something therapy has helped me to stop doing. I’m much better off for it now in a variety of ways.
You need to address this in therapy, not in the courts or in skirmishes with CPS. This is a you problem. Treat it that way.
Src: The former family fixer. Wish I’d have cut that nonsense out years earlier.
The fact you think this is *your* valid concern is the issue. You're not even living nearby these kids, you have no idea what's going on outside of Facebook posts. This is not your business. The fact you think it is your business means you have a problem.
Dude. I never once said anything about CPS in the post. I never brought up CPS. When others brought it up, I said I didn’t think there was a reason to call, just that I had concerns about Cathy’s ability to judge the character of those she lets around the kids. These concerns are not based on a single vague Facebook post. That was one example. My brother’s kids are my concern. My brother is as well. I will do what I can to help and support them. I am aware there isn’t a lot I can or should do, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything before I stop looking for anything they might try. Families help each other. I don’t think helping my brother find a lawyer, giving him some educational resources, then asking a question about the legal situation here warrants your accusations. I know this is a problem I can’t fix. I know it isn’t directly my problem. I also know that my brother needs help navigating the situation.
You mentioned looking her up on FB to try to find out about a situation with a relative. You've got to admit that looks a very specific way.
Getting defensive isn't helping you here either. You came for advice - we're giving it. Listen.
That isn’t what happened. There was a Facebook post made some time ago before all this happened and before we were all blocked. There are countless reasons I have to doubt her judgement.
I am listening. I think there’s a disconnect here, maybe I’m not being clear in my responses or something, but I don’t think anyone else has misunderstood that I am taking all the advice here seriously.
Your title says "over 200K our parents gave **him**"
But in the text of your post you say:
>They also said that if they want to sell the house, **they** can keep any equity.
>Parents again remind them that Hank **and Cathy** will get to keep the equity,
>and get the mortgage payed off plus over $200k in equity which they give to Hank **and Cathy.**
Hank should retain a lawyer and listen to him or her.
It doesn’t matter, really. Washington is a community property state, so as long as they received the money while married, it will be considered common property. Which is why the wife is dragging things, so that she can make the money disappear so that when hit by the 50% she can claim not to have anything.
Hi, bank worker here. If on their account they are both owners of the account, as in both names are on it, then yes, the money is both of theirs. However, that also means either one is free to do with whatever money is in the account. Hank or Cathy can take everything out without the other person being there. With the check being written to both of them (guessing Pay to the order of Hank and Cathy) then it has to be deposited into the account first before either can touch the funds. Plus you have to wait for the check to clear and funds availability.
My suggestion is to have Hank watch that bank account like a hawk, and if any large amount is deposited or withdrawn, he needs to act fast on it. You might also be able to call the bank and see if they can place a freeze on the account for suspected fraud with Cathy trying to take all the money, but they may not be able to do so.
He can file for divorce and request that the wife account for the money. Also ask for joint legal/physical custody. But he’s got to get off his butt and do it. No one else can do it for him.
He needs to retain another lawyer, obviously not paid for by you but he needs a lawyer to be able to get video of her getting the cashiers check. If he can get that time line lined up with her kicking him out than maybe that will help him get some of the money back.
I’m sorry, she sounds horrible.
> Everyone involved is not well educated and feels like lawyers, insurance, and court are all scams.
Think of it like a game, and maybe it is. The court is the one that makes the rules and the lawyers are there to help make sure the rules are followed. If he lets the court set the rules according to her story and he doesn't have anyone making sure the rules are followed, he *will* lose the game.
Only in this case "the game" means "seeing his kids and having money."
As long as Hank is OK with never seeing his kids until they turn 18 (assuming Mom hasn't completely turned them against him), paying child support to Cathy, and having to work or survive on disability payments to afford said child support payments, then Hank doesn't need a lawyer.
Alternatively, Hank could fight for custody (as the primary caregiver he would be in a good position to be the custodial parent), reimbursement for his share of the $200k she spent, spousal support, and child support.
I explained this to him. Since he couldn’t “see” the lawyer doing anything, he gave up. I don’t think Cathy wants the divorce to finalize because then the money issue will get brought up. She keeps putting things off. She knows any child support will be extremely low because Hank makes basically nothing.
NAL. I don’t have a lot of advice here. But the parents need to file a gift form with the IRS. That’s proof the funds were given to both. I don’t know how that would play into any legal action since the check was issued to both and deposited into a joint account.
As others have said some bad decisions were made by your brother and I don’t think he has any legal recourse to collect funds. A call to CPS may seem more vindictive than of any true concern for the kids.
I’m sorry your family is going through this and I wish you all well.
You've done all you can. Your parents and Hank are in another state and don't seem very concerned about the divorce or the money. You have your own family to look after.
Something else to consider: if there’s a separation or divorce OP should be able to prove she ‘enjoyed the benefit’ of the full $200k and should be responsible for any tax liability.
I’m not a CPA, nor an attorney so I’m not sure if this is helpful. But I think it is something to consider.
The best advice I have is to stay the f out of it.
You can't fix family dysfunction with money. You can't fix it with lawyers. You can't fix it by trying harder or by saying the right magic words.
All you can do is join it or stay away.
>My parents say they will sue for grandparents rights, but never do.
They can consult with an attorney about that, but from what you’ve described, they have no chance of winning, and it would be a waste of their time and money.
Check out other posts in this sub regarding GR for a better understanding of what those cases look like.
A successful case requires that either your brother to have died or for your parents to have had an extremely clear parenting role to the kids, such as being the sole parental figures to the kids for a significant amount of time while mom and dad were in jail etc OR both parents are unfit etc etc.
Any kind of typical grandparent-grandkid relationship doesn’t just mean the court will force visitation. There has to be some special circumstances before the court mandates the child’s best interest requires Saturdays and Sundays with Grandma Mary.
I see. They were primary caregivers while Hank and Cathy worked and they all lived together for many years, but there was never a situation where they were sole caregivers. Thank you for that info!
You mean they babysit while the parents worked? Primary care provider means the children slep with grandparents more than half the year, not that they did the typical grandparent babysitting duties
Yes. He made some bad choices in his early 20’s that made it tough to get educated and a job, and now has a huge chip on his shoulder about society being against him. My family in general has struggled in poverty for generations. I’m the first college graduate and probably the first to make it out. Because of that, I feel a lot of pressure to help, but I don’t know what else I can do at this point. I literally found a lawyer to take the case, paid the $2000 deposit, and made sure he could afford the monthly retainer. I gave him the login to my Udemy account and listed the courses he should take so he can get a work from home tech job. I told him I would pay for the tests he needs to get certified, he just has to take the courses.
You're not hearing their message or the message of many others in this thread you have responded to verbatim expressing the same sentiment.
This isn't your fight. These aren't your monkeys. And this definitely isn't your circus. Tell your brother to reengage the lawyer or find a new one, and in whatever capacity your able be emotional support. If you have concerns about the welfare of your nieces and nephews maybe speak to your own lawyer about that.
Beyond that, you are not really party to this whole situation other than he is your brother.
I feel bad for you all, and wish you the best with everything.
NAL, NLA
I’m not saying that to dismiss anyone telling me there isn’t much I can do, on the contrary, I knew there wasn’t much, That’s why I made the post. I’m expressing the same sentiment because I want to make sure I’m not missing something before I just let whatever happens happen. There have been A few good tips and avenues I can recommend my brother explore and I will definitely send that advice along to him.
They wanted to see their grandkids in a stable home where there wasn’t looming homelessness at almost all times. Idk if they wrote the check to just him or not, but I know the intent was for them to be able to buy a house… which she hasn’t done.
As much as I sympathize, your brother's wife didn't steal anything. Your parents gave them the money jointly. If your brother didn't do anything to protect himself, he has no one to blame but himself.
If your parents' intention was to make sure the money went to your brother, and your brother only, they should have set up a trust to ensure that happened.
It sounds like Hank may be cognitively impaired enough that a family member can seek POA or guardianship and retain a lawyer on his behalf. This situation needs a lawyer and adult advocate for Hank and your parents. If your parents are older and unable to manage their finances, they may need some someone to step in too. If they are all legally of sound mind then their isn’t a lot you can do without legal rights to act on their behalf.
Assuming the information you have about the situation is correct, he should check into therapy ASAP. Even if this goes great for him, it's going to be traumatic. Reading that story made me think the walls probably weren't the only thing she was punching. It's humiliating to even talk about as a man, but he should open up to a therapist about what he's gone through with her. The disparity between what the roommates think and what her friends think speaks to her being manipulative in how outside parties perceive the relationship. She was probably manipulating him even more intensely. Some people feel stuck once they have the kids, and don't feel the abuse is that bad, especially since its from a woman and they as a man not may not feel they are in mortal danger. You're a great sibling to be helping, and those people saying Hank is an idiot are incrdibly insensitive. If Hank was a girl, they'd all be singing a different tune.
Thanks, I really appreciate that. I’m not sure what the entire situation was. Idk if the roommates are even reliable sources. My wife reached out to them because Cathy claimed he was abusive and if that was the case, we wanted to make sure that Cathy and the kids got the help they needed. We were very surprised to hear that Cathy was the abusive one. We live really far away though, so either way, we wouldn’t have known.
My brother 100% needs therapy. He says he can’t afford it, and honestly, he’s not wrong, but I also don’t think he can afford not to. I will continue to encourage him to seek help. He was dismissive when we asked him about her putting holes in walls. My wife has an unofficial uncle who was trapped in an abusive marriage so we are both super aware of how wives abuse husbands. Ironically, Cathy was extremely supportive of Jonny Depp in his case.
Yeah, it's hard to tell from a distance. I just felt it sounded like he had some mental issues already that he should see somebody for. I could be off in this case, but I have known of cases where a manipulative woman takes advantage of a man with mental health issues like aspbergers or just being depressed, anxious and timid. Obviously if he actually was abusive, he should talk about that with a therapist. Regardless, have him call 2-1-1. I would almost guarantee they can find mental health resources in his area at very low or no cost.
Lol, I got too into the Johnny Depp thing, and it probably didnt help my mental health. I don't know that Johnny was blameless, but anybody who couldn't see that Amber is extremely manipulative and dishonest is an idiot. I was happy to see at least part of society learn or acknowledge there's Ambers out there.
I think he does. I think she does too. They both need therapy as well as the kids. Especially the kids.
I tried not to follow that case as much as possible 😅
That would be great if they could all get therapy and get better. It only works if the person wants to change though. 211 should be able to find something, but he should call ASAP, because there's probably a wait list.
I think if you want closure you need to talk to a lawyer yourself. Find out if there is actually a law she is breaking by withdrawing the money to keep if from your brother with the intention to divorce.
I would still reccomend talking to a lawyer yourself, it makes a world of difference having the insight of someone who knows how the system works. Someone specializing in family law would probably know, at least it's my guess
I spoke with the lawyer I found for him, but it’s been a while and we didn’t get into too much of the knitty gritty of laws, just “this is the situation, there isn’t a large budget, can you help?” And they gave me a little insight. Perhaps I can speak with them again.
That was what I was thinking. Go with the lawyer you know. They will let you know if they don't know something, generally lawyers like to be clever and flex their knowledge of the law. They should give you a straightforward answer to your question if you tell them the details, even if it's complicated, and it shouldn't take more than a couple minutes, probably costing you little or nothing.
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I think you’ve done more than enough to try to help your brother. At this point it’s on him. He needs to get a lawyer. He should be entitled to half of the money your parents gave him and his ex wife
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I know you want to help but you are not involved. You have very few rights to anything going on here and have no legal recourse. If your brother or parents aren't motivated to do anything, that's on them.
I know I’m not actually involved. Just want to make sure they can have the info they need easily available because they probably won’t do much digging themselves. It sucks, but this post was basically the final step to make sure I didn’t miss anything before leaving it all up to them. Nobody in the family has much education or street smarts, so they do often turn to me for advice. I’m definitely at peace knowing that I’ve done what I can, gotten a few good avenues for them to pursue from here, and that’s it.
If you believe the children are actually in danger you can call CPS, but do not do this lightly. >Hank moves to another state to live with our parents and transfers job there. Bad decision which he should not have made without figuring out how it would impact custody. >Hank doesn’t feel like lawyer is doing anything and “fires” them. Also a bad decision. > Everyone involved is not well educated and feels like lawyers, insurance, and court are all scams. You've done what you could, OP. The court system is the only recourse here. If your brother isn't willing to participate, there's nothing you can do.
Yes, those two terrible decisions are the main reasons I’ve been so frustrated with him.
As for the kids, I just know that she is living with friends and a new boyfriend and in the past has let a family member who hurt her around the kids and he then hurt my niece. I don’t know to what extent. I don’t trust her judgement, so I worry about their long term health. Mostly mental health. I don’t think there’s anything going on that would warrant a call to CPS, but we also don’t live close by, so we wouldn’t know if there was.
Depending on what form of abuse said family member did to her, and then you know hurt your niece, there is no statute if limitations on that. If someone SA her, report it to the police in her area, and the local CPS chapter. They will do a forensic interview of the each child individually WITHOUT any parent in there. Unfortunately I speak from experience on that small part. I didn't know until my kid told me. If the mother has allowed it before. She will allow it again. Good luck!
I’m not sure what happened. Cathy vaguely posted about it on Facebook some time ago and said she was cutting off that family member. I wish I had more info because I know nobody there reported it.
Well, if you can find that Facebook post, take a screenshot. You can still report it as knowledge of it happening and nothing done about it. They will probably ask why you took so long to report it. If you thought it was, you can tell them that.
She has everyone blocked now
Everyone? Or just you and the family? A lot of people don’t limit the actual privacy settings and than just block people. Make another account and try to see if she left the default settings on.
OP I agree with this! I would make a fake account, so post several days in a row of stupid stuff, then friend request her if her profile is set to private. Good luck hun!
Enlist a spy. Someone you’re mutuals with but they act like they don’t talk to you anymore or someone they don’t know at all just sending them a request. My best friend is going through a custody battle and the mother has been making wild accusations online and harassing people close to my friend, like their bandmates and old roommates. I had a friend she doesn’t know start following her to get info. This other friend unfollowed me and my bestie so it’s not suspicious. She accepted the follow and now we get screenshots of the bullshit she posts.
Alrighty. She didn’t just block everyone. She deleted her old page and made a new one.
Hank needs a lawyer and a forensic accountant. If he doesn’t want them that’s his choice I guess and there’s nothing you can do. Your parents gave away $200k and I can’t imagine a situation where they have any legal claim to the money.
I wouldn’t think my parents have any legal claim to the money. I just want to make sure I’ve done all I can.
Hank has legal claim to half the money if they get divorced. The money was acquired while they were married.
Sounds like this is really a Hank problem. You can’t actually do anything. You need to accept the fact that Hank will likely continue to make poor decisions. You can offer your love and emotional support. It’s not your responsibility to solve his problems.
It is. I’m just a problem solver and want to make sure I’m not missing anything so I can feel comfortable knowing I did all I can.
Thinking I should be solving other people’s problems is something therapy has helped me to stop doing. I’m much better off for it now in a variety of ways.
I know I should go. I believe everyone should go/would benefit from therapy. But I’ve never gone myself.
You need to address this in therapy, not in the courts or in skirmishes with CPS. This is a you problem. Treat it that way. Src: The former family fixer. Wish I’d have cut that nonsense out years earlier.
I wouldn’t call CPS unless I had a valid concern.
The fact you think this is *your* valid concern is the issue. You're not even living nearby these kids, you have no idea what's going on outside of Facebook posts. This is not your business. The fact you think it is your business means you have a problem.
Dude. I never once said anything about CPS in the post. I never brought up CPS. When others brought it up, I said I didn’t think there was a reason to call, just that I had concerns about Cathy’s ability to judge the character of those she lets around the kids. These concerns are not based on a single vague Facebook post. That was one example. My brother’s kids are my concern. My brother is as well. I will do what I can to help and support them. I am aware there isn’t a lot I can or should do, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything before I stop looking for anything they might try. Families help each other. I don’t think helping my brother find a lawyer, giving him some educational resources, then asking a question about the legal situation here warrants your accusations. I know this is a problem I can’t fix. I know it isn’t directly my problem. I also know that my brother needs help navigating the situation.
You mentioned looking her up on FB to try to find out about a situation with a relative. You've got to admit that looks a very specific way. Getting defensive isn't helping you here either. You came for advice - we're giving it. Listen.
That isn’t what happened. There was a Facebook post made some time ago before all this happened and before we were all blocked. There are countless reasons I have to doubt her judgement. I am listening. I think there’s a disconnect here, maybe I’m not being clear in my responses or something, but I don’t think anyone else has misunderstood that I am taking all the advice here seriously.
Your title says "over 200K our parents gave **him**" But in the text of your post you say: >They also said that if they want to sell the house, **they** can keep any equity. >Parents again remind them that Hank **and Cathy** will get to keep the equity, >and get the mortgage payed off plus over $200k in equity which they give to Hank **and Cathy.** Hank should retain a lawyer and listen to him or her.
It doesn’t matter, really. Washington is a community property state, so as long as they received the money while married, it will be considered common property. Which is why the wife is dragging things, so that she can make the money disappear so that when hit by the 50% she can claim not to have anything.
That’s what I feared.
Joint account. They’re married. Legally even if they gave it to him, it would be theirs right?
>Legally even if they gave it to him, it would be theirs right? No, not necessarily.
Hi, bank worker here. If on their account they are both owners of the account, as in both names are on it, then yes, the money is both of theirs. However, that also means either one is free to do with whatever money is in the account. Hank or Cathy can take everything out without the other person being there. With the check being written to both of them (guessing Pay to the order of Hank and Cathy) then it has to be deposited into the account first before either can touch the funds. Plus you have to wait for the check to clear and funds availability. My suggestion is to have Hank watch that bank account like a hawk, and if any large amount is deposited or withdrawn, he needs to act fast on it. You might also be able to call the bank and see if they can place a freeze on the account for suspected fraud with Cathy trying to take all the money, but they may not be able to do so.
It was deposited. She took the money out as a cashiers check I believe. Immediately after doing that, she kicked Hank out.
You're saying this woman had 200k deposited into their account and then withdrew the entire sum in the form of a cashiers check?
Then there's nothing he can do to get the money besides sue at this point. i do apologize.
He can file for divorce and request that the wife account for the money. Also ask for joint legal/physical custody. But he’s got to get off his butt and do it. No one else can do it for him.
I am pretty sure they both already filed
That’s how I understand it. She was advised by someone else to do so.
Hank will never see a nickel.
Was the check made out to Hank only, or to the both of them?
I don’t know, but I’ll ask.
I'm surprised your parents agreed to give them/him the equity on the house when it sold. That's crazy!
It is. It’s absolutely insane.
He needs to retain another lawyer, obviously not paid for by you but he needs a lawyer to be able to get video of her getting the cashiers check. If he can get that time line lined up with her kicking him out than maybe that will help him get some of the money back. I’m sorry, she sounds horrible.
> Everyone involved is not well educated and feels like lawyers, insurance, and court are all scams. Think of it like a game, and maybe it is. The court is the one that makes the rules and the lawyers are there to help make sure the rules are followed. If he lets the court set the rules according to her story and he doesn't have anyone making sure the rules are followed, he *will* lose the game. Only in this case "the game" means "seeing his kids and having money." As long as Hank is OK with never seeing his kids until they turn 18 (assuming Mom hasn't completely turned them against him), paying child support to Cathy, and having to work or survive on disability payments to afford said child support payments, then Hank doesn't need a lawyer. Alternatively, Hank could fight for custody (as the primary caregiver he would be in a good position to be the custodial parent), reimbursement for his share of the $200k she spent, spousal support, and child support.
I explained this to him. Since he couldn’t “see” the lawyer doing anything, he gave up. I don’t think Cathy wants the divorce to finalize because then the money issue will get brought up. She keeps putting things off. She knows any child support will be extremely low because Hank makes basically nothing.
NAL. I don’t have a lot of advice here. But the parents need to file a gift form with the IRS. That’s proof the funds were given to both. I don’t know how that would play into any legal action since the check was issued to both and deposited into a joint account. As others have said some bad decisions were made by your brother and I don’t think he has any legal recourse to collect funds. A call to CPS may seem more vindictive than of any true concern for the kids. I’m sorry your family is going through this and I wish you all well.
Thanks. Mostly I just want to make sure I’ve done all I can before I just let whatever happens happen. It all sucks.
You've done all you can. Your parents and Hank are in another state and don't seem very concerned about the divorce or the money. You have your own family to look after.
Oh shoot good point on the IRS gift form, iirc 200k is well over the untaxable gift limit, come tax time that's gonna be a real pain in the ass
Something else to consider: if there’s a separation or divorce OP should be able to prove she ‘enjoyed the benefit’ of the full $200k and should be responsible for any tax liability. I’m not a CPA, nor an attorney so I’m not sure if this is helpful. But I think it is something to consider.
The best advice I have is to stay the f out of it. You can't fix family dysfunction with money. You can't fix it with lawyers. You can't fix it by trying harder or by saying the right magic words. All you can do is join it or stay away.
Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.
>My parents say they will sue for grandparents rights, but never do. They can consult with an attorney about that, but from what you’ve described, they have no chance of winning, and it would be a waste of their time and money. Check out other posts in this sub regarding GR for a better understanding of what those cases look like. A successful case requires that either your brother to have died or for your parents to have had an extremely clear parenting role to the kids, such as being the sole parental figures to the kids for a significant amount of time while mom and dad were in jail etc OR both parents are unfit etc etc. Any kind of typical grandparent-grandkid relationship doesn’t just mean the court will force visitation. There has to be some special circumstances before the court mandates the child’s best interest requires Saturdays and Sundays with Grandma Mary.
I see. They were primary caregivers while Hank and Cathy worked and they all lived together for many years, but there was never a situation where they were sole caregivers. Thank you for that info!
You mean they babysit while the parents worked? Primary care provider means the children slep with grandparents more than half the year, not that they did the typical grandparent babysitting duties
They all lived together, grandparents did a large part of all caregiving duties.
Therefore not primary care providers
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Yes. He made some bad choices in his early 20’s that made it tough to get educated and a job, and now has a huge chip on his shoulder about society being against him. My family in general has struggled in poverty for generations. I’m the first college graduate and probably the first to make it out. Because of that, I feel a lot of pressure to help, but I don’t know what else I can do at this point. I literally found a lawyer to take the case, paid the $2000 deposit, and made sure he could afford the monthly retainer. I gave him the login to my Udemy account and listed the courses he should take so he can get a work from home tech job. I told him I would pay for the tests he needs to get certified, he just has to take the courses.
Legally - back off. You wasted $2000 already. Hank needs to make his own choices.
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100% agree. I’m the first college graduate in my family. I just want to make sure I’ve done all I can to help.
You're not hearing their message or the message of many others in this thread you have responded to verbatim expressing the same sentiment. This isn't your fight. These aren't your monkeys. And this definitely isn't your circus. Tell your brother to reengage the lawyer or find a new one, and in whatever capacity your able be emotional support. If you have concerns about the welfare of your nieces and nephews maybe speak to your own lawyer about that. Beyond that, you are not really party to this whole situation other than he is your brother. I feel bad for you all, and wish you the best with everything. NAL, NLA
I’m not saying that to dismiss anyone telling me there isn’t much I can do, on the contrary, I knew there wasn’t much, That’s why I made the post. I’m expressing the same sentiment because I want to make sure I’m not missing something before I just let whatever happens happen. There have been A few good tips and avenues I can recommend my brother explore and I will definitely send that advice along to him.
If I was his parents, I gave 200k to my son. And not to anybody else.
They wanted to see their grandkids in a stable home where there wasn’t looming homelessness at almost all times. Idk if they wrote the check to just him or not, but I know the intent was for them to be able to buy a house… which she hasn’t done.
As much as I sympathize, your brother's wife didn't steal anything. Your parents gave them the money jointly. If your brother didn't do anything to protect himself, he has no one to blame but himself. If your parents' intention was to make sure the money went to your brother, and your brother only, they should have set up a trust to ensure that happened.
I encouraged them to do a trust. Basically, I just want to make sure I’ve done all I can before I let whatever happens happen.
It sounds like Hank may be cognitively impaired enough that a family member can seek POA or guardianship and retain a lawyer on his behalf. This situation needs a lawyer and adult advocate for Hank and your parents. If your parents are older and unable to manage their finances, they may need some someone to step in too. If they are all legally of sound mind then their isn’t a lot you can do without legal rights to act on their behalf.
He’s definitely got some sort of Asperger’s type thing going on. I’ll look into this.
Assuming the information you have about the situation is correct, he should check into therapy ASAP. Even if this goes great for him, it's going to be traumatic. Reading that story made me think the walls probably weren't the only thing she was punching. It's humiliating to even talk about as a man, but he should open up to a therapist about what he's gone through with her. The disparity between what the roommates think and what her friends think speaks to her being manipulative in how outside parties perceive the relationship. She was probably manipulating him even more intensely. Some people feel stuck once they have the kids, and don't feel the abuse is that bad, especially since its from a woman and they as a man not may not feel they are in mortal danger. You're a great sibling to be helping, and those people saying Hank is an idiot are incrdibly insensitive. If Hank was a girl, they'd all be singing a different tune.
Thanks, I really appreciate that. I’m not sure what the entire situation was. Idk if the roommates are even reliable sources. My wife reached out to them because Cathy claimed he was abusive and if that was the case, we wanted to make sure that Cathy and the kids got the help they needed. We were very surprised to hear that Cathy was the abusive one. We live really far away though, so either way, we wouldn’t have known. My brother 100% needs therapy. He says he can’t afford it, and honestly, he’s not wrong, but I also don’t think he can afford not to. I will continue to encourage him to seek help. He was dismissive when we asked him about her putting holes in walls. My wife has an unofficial uncle who was trapped in an abusive marriage so we are both super aware of how wives abuse husbands. Ironically, Cathy was extremely supportive of Jonny Depp in his case.
Yeah, it's hard to tell from a distance. I just felt it sounded like he had some mental issues already that he should see somebody for. I could be off in this case, but I have known of cases where a manipulative woman takes advantage of a man with mental health issues like aspbergers or just being depressed, anxious and timid. Obviously if he actually was abusive, he should talk about that with a therapist. Regardless, have him call 2-1-1. I would almost guarantee they can find mental health resources in his area at very low or no cost. Lol, I got too into the Johnny Depp thing, and it probably didnt help my mental health. I don't know that Johnny was blameless, but anybody who couldn't see that Amber is extremely manipulative and dishonest is an idiot. I was happy to see at least part of society learn or acknowledge there's Ambers out there.
I think he does. I think she does too. They both need therapy as well as the kids. Especially the kids. I tried not to follow that case as much as possible 😅
That would be great if they could all get therapy and get better. It only works if the person wants to change though. 211 should be able to find something, but he should call ASAP, because there's probably a wait list.
I think if you want closure you need to talk to a lawyer yourself. Find out if there is actually a law she is breaking by withdrawing the money to keep if from your brother with the intention to divorce.
That’s what I was wondering. I can’t find anything and it seems there isn’t. But I could just be looking in the wrong places.
I would still reccomend talking to a lawyer yourself, it makes a world of difference having the insight of someone who knows how the system works. Someone specializing in family law would probably know, at least it's my guess
I spoke with the lawyer I found for him, but it’s been a while and we didn’t get into too much of the knitty gritty of laws, just “this is the situation, there isn’t a large budget, can you help?” And they gave me a little insight. Perhaps I can speak with them again.
That was what I was thinking. Go with the lawyer you know. They will let you know if they don't know something, generally lawyers like to be clever and flex their knowledge of the law. They should give you a straightforward answer to your question if you tell them the details, even if it's complicated, and it shouldn't take more than a couple minutes, probably costing you little or nothing.
I’ll do that. Thank you!
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literally stole 200k. thats heartbreaking man. sorry to hear and all the best for your bros fam
Thanks man. If they had been smart, that money could have lifted them out of poverty, but it is what it is.
I think you’ve done more than enough to try to help your brother. At this point it’s on him. He needs to get a lawyer. He should be entitled to half of the money your parents gave him and his ex wife
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I wouldn’t want the mother of my relatives dead. Even if she’s awful, she’s not THAT awful.
She’s clearly THAT awful
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I know you want to help but you are not involved. You have very few rights to anything going on here and have no legal recourse. If your brother or parents aren't motivated to do anything, that's on them.
I know I’m not actually involved. Just want to make sure they can have the info they need easily available because they probably won’t do much digging themselves. It sucks, but this post was basically the final step to make sure I didn’t miss anything before leaving it all up to them. Nobody in the family has much education or street smarts, so they do often turn to me for advice. I’m definitely at peace knowing that I’ve done what I can, gotten a few good avenues for them to pursue from here, and that’s it.