He doesn’t know how to be a husband or a dad.
It’s common flaw many of us have because no one taught us.
I’m older (48m) married 22 years, the digital interface now makes it even worse. You can always be working, so that’s your priority.
You need to bring it up after the vacation.
If he won’t allow you talk about it, text the specifics examples of him not being present and not evening trying.
Talk to about partnership and that you have to be a team. If he gets defensive, it may be a losing battle.
Try reminding him you are still working too as your job as SAHM clearly doesn't end during family vacations.
He sounds like he is taking his vacation and doesn't understand that you are constantly working.
It's a shared work space and he would never speak to a co-worker like that.
As someone who was a SAHM and now works, this is something I am very familiar with. As soon as I started to refer to my duties of running the home and the strategic planning required (using the words of the work world" my husband was able to start to better "see" the difference between"family time" vs "family duties" which lead to him stepping in to spend time with the kids allowing me time to "do my work" and better family time. Also helped him treat me with more respect.
Create a job description for your role...it will make you feel better too
I’d be irate if my hubby did this, the snapping at me, the disappearing act, etc. Obvi I’m only hearing this side of it, but if your tale tells it, dude sucks! Gottman book, ASAP! Hopefully facilitated by a Gottman trained marital therapist- wishing best outcomes for you!!
There’s alot of layers here. I’m not sure how to help… other than to listen and hold space and say- you aren’t alone.
This is a very vulnerable time for a woman.
And state some truths…
**Mothers need a vacation after a vacation.**
It’s a “work session” for you the whole time. It’s exhausting.
My hubby 56m is similar to yours, his family named the behavior from a young age- “Scooter”. Can’t sit there… always leaving…and candidly, sneaking off to smoke pot, get a cigarette, get a new beer- everyone is different. It may have a name like- Avoidant Attachment or something.
Vacations, to me, feel like I’m a single Mom. Always f$&@ing have since our kids were born. Hes always escaping obligation.
AND- Hubby doesn’t even show up to connect with family, as is obligated. (Cooking meal and clean up). It feels trapped and setup to lose-lose.
And, let’s say your brain isn’t scramble (kids) and you actually convey “you need to step up”. And he pretends to agree.
Does he show up as a partner in a supportive way? Or does he **act out** in small ways, draining you… but in a different way.
Fast forward>>> married 26y. Spring Break is our daughter and I. He takes care of the house, pets and work. Fall Break is hubby and our daughter. I stay home and manage pets, etc.
We no longer vacation with his family. Why would I take on that burden and obligation that doesn’t **reciprocate, nourish or show up in mutuality.**. That is the opposite of invisible and you are deserving of this- in a partner and in a family around you.
Vacations with a **framework and structure** seemed to help- such as a cruise or hotel with continental breakfast and a lazy river (focal point).
My advice- don’t ever drop out of a framework that will hold him accountable. Specifically- a community or social setting. There seemed to be safety there. You holding him accountable IMO will always be an argument, with surface level agreement but passive aggression- and no human likes being told what to do. We shouldn’t try to parent our partner. Him seeing us as “Mom” is a part of this.
Isolation is the enemy.
IMO it doesn’t get better over time.
And, we need to admit our anger and low integrity behavior at times- often from exhaustion and purposeful draining. We are setup.
Ask him (after the vacation) for nourishment, reciprocity and mutuality. Tell
Him what that looks and feels like.
Get layers of support and resources. A church group or community center help group… a CoDA meeting. A book club. A therapist. A journal. Go to the gym.
Try and get couple friends with kids. This is a good framework for you both and the FAM.
I could have written this letter to myself 14 years ago.
He doesn’t know how to be a husband or a dad. It’s common flaw many of us have because no one taught us. I’m older (48m) married 22 years, the digital interface now makes it even worse. You can always be working, so that’s your priority. You need to bring it up after the vacation. If he won’t allow you talk about it, text the specifics examples of him not being present and not evening trying. Talk to about partnership and that you have to be a team. If he gets defensive, it may be a losing battle.
Try reminding him you are still working too as your job as SAHM clearly doesn't end during family vacations. He sounds like he is taking his vacation and doesn't understand that you are constantly working. It's a shared work space and he would never speak to a co-worker like that. As someone who was a SAHM and now works, this is something I am very familiar with. As soon as I started to refer to my duties of running the home and the strategic planning required (using the words of the work world" my husband was able to start to better "see" the difference between"family time" vs "family duties" which lead to him stepping in to spend time with the kids allowing me time to "do my work" and better family time. Also helped him treat me with more respect. Create a job description for your role...it will make you feel better too
I’d be irate if my hubby did this, the snapping at me, the disappearing act, etc. Obvi I’m only hearing this side of it, but if your tale tells it, dude sucks! Gottman book, ASAP! Hopefully facilitated by a Gottman trained marital therapist- wishing best outcomes for you!!
There’s alot of layers here. I’m not sure how to help… other than to listen and hold space and say- you aren’t alone. This is a very vulnerable time for a woman. And state some truths… **Mothers need a vacation after a vacation.** It’s a “work session” for you the whole time. It’s exhausting. My hubby 56m is similar to yours, his family named the behavior from a young age- “Scooter”. Can’t sit there… always leaving…and candidly, sneaking off to smoke pot, get a cigarette, get a new beer- everyone is different. It may have a name like- Avoidant Attachment or something. Vacations, to me, feel like I’m a single Mom. Always f$&@ing have since our kids were born. Hes always escaping obligation. AND- Hubby doesn’t even show up to connect with family, as is obligated. (Cooking meal and clean up). It feels trapped and setup to lose-lose. And, let’s say your brain isn’t scramble (kids) and you actually convey “you need to step up”. And he pretends to agree. Does he show up as a partner in a supportive way? Or does he **act out** in small ways, draining you… but in a different way. Fast forward>>> married 26y. Spring Break is our daughter and I. He takes care of the house, pets and work. Fall Break is hubby and our daughter. I stay home and manage pets, etc. We no longer vacation with his family. Why would I take on that burden and obligation that doesn’t **reciprocate, nourish or show up in mutuality.**. That is the opposite of invisible and you are deserving of this- in a partner and in a family around you. Vacations with a **framework and structure** seemed to help- such as a cruise or hotel with continental breakfast and a lazy river (focal point). My advice- don’t ever drop out of a framework that will hold him accountable. Specifically- a community or social setting. There seemed to be safety there. You holding him accountable IMO will always be an argument, with surface level agreement but passive aggression- and no human likes being told what to do. We shouldn’t try to parent our partner. Him seeing us as “Mom” is a part of this. Isolation is the enemy. IMO it doesn’t get better over time. And, we need to admit our anger and low integrity behavior at times- often from exhaustion and purposeful draining. We are setup. Ask him (after the vacation) for nourishment, reciprocity and mutuality. Tell Him what that looks and feels like. Get layers of support and resources. A church group or community center help group… a CoDA meeting. A book club. A therapist. A journal. Go to the gym. Try and get couple friends with kids. This is a good framework for you both and the FAM. I could have written this letter to myself 14 years ago.