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First off- I just want to say I’m so sorry. This sounds like a really difficult situation. From reading your post, I can see how much you care about him and also how much you’re trying to be healthy in this dynamic (making sure codependency doesn’t become a thing for instance is really smart).
I have some questions below that can hopefully help you get closer to your answer. I hope these help!
1. What are your limits and boundaries? Is there a time limit for how long you could handle this episode being this severe? Or a limit to how long you would stay if things continue on like this? It’s good to at least have a sense of boundaries in this situation to maintain your own mental health too
2. Are you still asking for your needs? I know it can be hard to check in and ask for things you need especially when the person you’re with is going through it. But maybe even just letting him know you’d like to hear you’re sexy and wanted every now and again could be a good way to start. You still deserve things you need in this relationship too.
3. How are you taking care of yourself and your mental health?It’s important to put on your mask first. Make sure that you’re maintaining friends and a life outside of your partner. If you want to take a trip out of town, go, and let him know. Maybe mention that you’re here for support via phone or ask him to rely on his friends/therapist while you’re gone. It’s totally okay to not always be available for them.
Also hopefully you have someone in your life who you can open up to whether that’s a therapist or someone else to get that additional support.
Try to find ways to still validate yourself and see yourself in a positive light. Go out dancing with friends to feel sexy or wanted or do a relaxing spa day. It’s okay to take time for you!
*
Things are still so new so it makes total sense that you would be feeling insecure about your place in his life and what you should do in this situation. As long as you are communicating what you need, taking care of yourself, and offering support when you can, you are doing all the right things. You got this!
Thanks so much for listening and for the encouragement. I don't have a therapist rn so thank goodness for kind strangers <3 great idea, I am absolutely going to treat myself to a lash lift or something this week to feel pretty.
I'm super independent in general and luckily have a fairly robust social life, so it's intuitive to me to assume I'll take care of my own needs, but for relationship needs I asked for physical affection and touch even if he doesn't feel like sex, and I asked for connection via texts or calls when he doesn't have the bandwidth to spend time together. He was fine w both of those and shows an effort. I also said someday I want to hang on weeknights occasionally as our relationship develops, and he pushed back defensively because right now he feels his routine helps him and he works M-Fr. To me it's weird not to see my boyfriend except weekends but I get where he's coming from, and I get a lot of time with him on weekends.
Overall I'd be 100% fine with our relationship as it is now, while he is sick, except if he actually doesn't love me romantically and I'm just being kept around because why not. I haven't asked for dates or romance etc because I've just trusted him. But it is really new. And he told me to my face he's not romantically into me, before walking it back like maybe its simply the depression. I also said, ebbs and flows are normal... But I almost wanna ask, what's been the average level of romantic feeling? How did he feel before this episode started? If I needed to set a limit I think it would be, I'm not looking for a friend-w-benefits no matter how much we love each other as friends... If he can't see it EVER getting serious I don't want to be here. But idk how to broach that when he's in this super sensitive and fragile state.
I'm also being toxic about gender roles in my mind right now like... Men find it sexy to take care of women, and me coddling him and him feeling weak is prob killing his attraction to me ya know. But if that's the case we aren't built to last anyway. I figured I'd be patient, see if he gets me anything romantic for Valentine's day, and see how the next few weeks play out but it sucks to make a huge leap of faith and effort for someone I've only known a short time. All my friends are basically like, just break up with him easy, but I truly feel in love with him and believe strongly in how I feel... And had thought he reciprocated, until yesterday. Anyways I'm just processing today and deciding what to do.. it anything because if he wants to break up then it's moot!
Thank you for for sharing. A reminder: if you are seeking resources in your local area, please provide that in the post so that users can share appropriate links and phone numbers. *If you are in distress, please call 9-1-1* or your local emergency number. *You are not alone. Help is available.* If you are having suicidal thoughts, please [click here for a list of crisis support services.](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html), If you are seeking therapy online, please [click here for a list of counselling services.](https://thelifelinecanada.ca/pattern-interrupt/ecounselling/) *If you feel well enough to do so, please do your part to enrich this community.* Now that you have posted, please leave a constructive, helpful comment on someone else's post. Filter by new to find posts with zero comments. Together, we make this community great. Thank you for being here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/mentalhealth) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First off- I just want to say I’m so sorry. This sounds like a really difficult situation. From reading your post, I can see how much you care about him and also how much you’re trying to be healthy in this dynamic (making sure codependency doesn’t become a thing for instance is really smart). I have some questions below that can hopefully help you get closer to your answer. I hope these help! 1. What are your limits and boundaries? Is there a time limit for how long you could handle this episode being this severe? Or a limit to how long you would stay if things continue on like this? It’s good to at least have a sense of boundaries in this situation to maintain your own mental health too 2. Are you still asking for your needs? I know it can be hard to check in and ask for things you need especially when the person you’re with is going through it. But maybe even just letting him know you’d like to hear you’re sexy and wanted every now and again could be a good way to start. You still deserve things you need in this relationship too. 3. How are you taking care of yourself and your mental health?It’s important to put on your mask first. Make sure that you’re maintaining friends and a life outside of your partner. If you want to take a trip out of town, go, and let him know. Maybe mention that you’re here for support via phone or ask him to rely on his friends/therapist while you’re gone. It’s totally okay to not always be available for them. Also hopefully you have someone in your life who you can open up to whether that’s a therapist or someone else to get that additional support. Try to find ways to still validate yourself and see yourself in a positive light. Go out dancing with friends to feel sexy or wanted or do a relaxing spa day. It’s okay to take time for you! * Things are still so new so it makes total sense that you would be feeling insecure about your place in his life and what you should do in this situation. As long as you are communicating what you need, taking care of yourself, and offering support when you can, you are doing all the right things. You got this!
Thanks so much for listening and for the encouragement. I don't have a therapist rn so thank goodness for kind strangers <3 great idea, I am absolutely going to treat myself to a lash lift or something this week to feel pretty. I'm super independent in general and luckily have a fairly robust social life, so it's intuitive to me to assume I'll take care of my own needs, but for relationship needs I asked for physical affection and touch even if he doesn't feel like sex, and I asked for connection via texts or calls when he doesn't have the bandwidth to spend time together. He was fine w both of those and shows an effort. I also said someday I want to hang on weeknights occasionally as our relationship develops, and he pushed back defensively because right now he feels his routine helps him and he works M-Fr. To me it's weird not to see my boyfriend except weekends but I get where he's coming from, and I get a lot of time with him on weekends. Overall I'd be 100% fine with our relationship as it is now, while he is sick, except if he actually doesn't love me romantically and I'm just being kept around because why not. I haven't asked for dates or romance etc because I've just trusted him. But it is really new. And he told me to my face he's not romantically into me, before walking it back like maybe its simply the depression. I also said, ebbs and flows are normal... But I almost wanna ask, what's been the average level of romantic feeling? How did he feel before this episode started? If I needed to set a limit I think it would be, I'm not looking for a friend-w-benefits no matter how much we love each other as friends... If he can't see it EVER getting serious I don't want to be here. But idk how to broach that when he's in this super sensitive and fragile state. I'm also being toxic about gender roles in my mind right now like... Men find it sexy to take care of women, and me coddling him and him feeling weak is prob killing his attraction to me ya know. But if that's the case we aren't built to last anyway. I figured I'd be patient, see if he gets me anything romantic for Valentine's day, and see how the next few weeks play out but it sucks to make a huge leap of faith and effort for someone I've only known a short time. All my friends are basically like, just break up with him easy, but I truly feel in love with him and believe strongly in how I feel... And had thought he reciprocated, until yesterday. Anyways I'm just processing today and deciding what to do.. it anything because if he wants to break up then it's moot!