I totally resonate with this feeling.
My mom has inflicted herself on me for her own joy and entertainment (to my detriment) and now she doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my house.
I feel zero emotional attachment to either of my parents and they don’t understand what went wrong even though the writing has quite literally been on the wall since I was 12 when I started speaking up for myself.
Out of curiosity, are you Asian (I am and had your EXACT experience, as a child and now)?
My solution was to be brutally honest with them, as soon as I had financial independence. I really hit them hard with my perception of their parenting and explained that I was not fully sure I wanted them in my regular life, going forward.
Things improved, slowly. We're... Ok, now. But they needed to experience SHAME first.
Your parents are emotionally immature adults like mine. There are books about it (but I haven’t read any lol)
Are yours alcoholics? Many emotionally immature parents are also alcoholics.
I’m 31 and my parents are in the stage they think I’m neglecting them like if im a teen being a rebelious but im just grown up doing my thing to be happy but they are stuck thinking we are teens still being brats
At first I felt for your parents, and let me tell you why.
My girls are just now in high school. We used to play, have tickle fights, cuddle, and do all sorts of fun and Goofy shit together. Nothing warms my heart more than remembering them falling asleep in my arms while watching PowerPuff Girls on the couch. Now they want nothing to do with me unless I have something they need/want...and it makes me sad. I don't know if those other days will ever come back. I have to fight them for a hug, and they'll probably never say the words 'I love you' to me ever again, when they used to say it dozens of times a day. Don't get me wrong they are still great kids and high achievers, but they don't seem to appreciate me anymore...all it would take is just a bit of acknowledgement every once in a while.
Then I read the rest of your post. Your parents sounded like jerks. I mean, I can count on my face the number of times I had to yell at my girls (the number is one, as in I have one nose on my face) because they were throwing the worst fit I've ever seen.
Your parents are definitely like my dad: abusive alcoholic who didn't really care about me until he could use me as a pawn in the divorce with my mom. It sort of fucked me up at first, but I got over it as an adult. I don't really hold a grudge against him, but I only visit him for his sake, not for mine. I don't care for my kids to have a relationship with him. However, I can't help but wonder if I have forgiven him or not. I like to think I have, but I don't think I have. And that's going to be a burden on me, not on him, if it doesn't get resolved. He just told me he has cancer now, and I'm really turning through the options on what I do or how I act about it.
I sympathize with you because I've been there. The last time I visited back home, my dad got all pissy because he was upset that I didn't spend enough of my time with him. He was right, I only spent maybe 10 hours with him, and I was in my home town for a full week, but I had other plans to do and people to see. Should I have spent more time with him? Probably, but I didn't think so. I think he got as much as he deserved. In fact, his little spat made me cancel my final visit with him before I got back on the plane. I had planned to have brunch with him, but I just said "fuck it" and drove right past his house and straight to the airport.
So now this brings us back to your situation. Is there any burden on you to feel like you have a duty to them? I know that if it were my girls, I would be devastated if they didn't want to hang out with me every once in a while, especially if they live near me. But I also wouldnt have the audacity to tell them this, the way your parents and my dad did, because I wouldn't want them to feel bad.
Im thinking about going to visit my dad after his first cancer treatment for about a week. Not necessarily to make him feel loved, but moreso to see if a burden is lifted off me by doing so. Sounds selfish, I know, but like you, I understand what it's like to have a parent who used you rather than loved you. The choice is up to you, just don't continue the cycle by treating your kids like that.
I totally resonate with this feeling. My mom has inflicted herself on me for her own joy and entertainment (to my detriment) and now she doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my house. I feel zero emotional attachment to either of my parents and they don’t understand what went wrong even though the writing has quite literally been on the wall since I was 12 when I started speaking up for myself.
I did not started speaking up but I locked myself in my room 24/7 for years which they somehow saw as normal behavior (spoiler, it is not)
Out of curiosity, are you a millennial?
a late one, my sisters are "middle ones" born around 1990
Out of curiosity, are you Asian (I am and had your EXACT experience, as a child and now)? My solution was to be brutally honest with them, as soon as I had financial independence. I really hit them hard with my perception of their parenting and explained that I was not fully sure I wanted them in my regular life, going forward. Things improved, slowly. We're... Ok, now. But they needed to experience SHAME first.
no Western europe
Your parents are emotionally immature adults like mine. There are books about it (but I haven’t read any lol) Are yours alcoholics? Many emotionally immature parents are also alcoholics.
no they are not
I’m 31 and my parents are in the stage they think I’m neglecting them like if im a teen being a rebelious but im just grown up doing my thing to be happy but they are stuck thinking we are teens still being brats
Yea it is kind of like that
At first I felt for your parents, and let me tell you why. My girls are just now in high school. We used to play, have tickle fights, cuddle, and do all sorts of fun and Goofy shit together. Nothing warms my heart more than remembering them falling asleep in my arms while watching PowerPuff Girls on the couch. Now they want nothing to do with me unless I have something they need/want...and it makes me sad. I don't know if those other days will ever come back. I have to fight them for a hug, and they'll probably never say the words 'I love you' to me ever again, when they used to say it dozens of times a day. Don't get me wrong they are still great kids and high achievers, but they don't seem to appreciate me anymore...all it would take is just a bit of acknowledgement every once in a while. Then I read the rest of your post. Your parents sounded like jerks. I mean, I can count on my face the number of times I had to yell at my girls (the number is one, as in I have one nose on my face) because they were throwing the worst fit I've ever seen. Your parents are definitely like my dad: abusive alcoholic who didn't really care about me until he could use me as a pawn in the divorce with my mom. It sort of fucked me up at first, but I got over it as an adult. I don't really hold a grudge against him, but I only visit him for his sake, not for mine. I don't care for my kids to have a relationship with him. However, I can't help but wonder if I have forgiven him or not. I like to think I have, but I don't think I have. And that's going to be a burden on me, not on him, if it doesn't get resolved. He just told me he has cancer now, and I'm really turning through the options on what I do or how I act about it. I sympathize with you because I've been there. The last time I visited back home, my dad got all pissy because he was upset that I didn't spend enough of my time with him. He was right, I only spent maybe 10 hours with him, and I was in my home town for a full week, but I had other plans to do and people to see. Should I have spent more time with him? Probably, but I didn't think so. I think he got as much as he deserved. In fact, his little spat made me cancel my final visit with him before I got back on the plane. I had planned to have brunch with him, but I just said "fuck it" and drove right past his house and straight to the airport. So now this brings us back to your situation. Is there any burden on you to feel like you have a duty to them? I know that if it were my girls, I would be devastated if they didn't want to hang out with me every once in a while, especially if they live near me. But I also wouldnt have the audacity to tell them this, the way your parents and my dad did, because I wouldn't want them to feel bad. Im thinking about going to visit my dad after his first cancer treatment for about a week. Not necessarily to make him feel loved, but moreso to see if a burden is lifted off me by doing so. Sounds selfish, I know, but like you, I understand what it's like to have a parent who used you rather than loved you. The choice is up to you, just don't continue the cycle by treating your kids like that.
Live your life for you OP. Your parents are living theirs for themselves and if anyone’s going to look out for you, it’s you.
I thought I was in the r/estrangedadultchild sub for a second.