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I don't think you're a heartless jerk. It does seem like gift-giving is your husband's love language, even though it's not yours. This might be where the disconnect is, like maybe he feels even without thinking it that you're throwing away symbols of his love for you.
I suggest you sit him down and have an honest conversation. If he's in a headspace for it, try asking why he's so upset about it, not accusatory, just trying to understand him better.
I would suggest for your part of the conversation, if appropriate, show that you respect the gifts, his intentions, and the fact that this is a way he shows his love for you. Stress that giving away stuff he gave you isn't you trying to get rid of the memories or the good feelings. Tell him exactly what you said in the second paragraph.
Did you tell him about the things he gave you that you so cherish? I think just talk to him about the things the two of you have that are so much more than the trinket he gave you when you started dating, as important as that was at the time, you’ve made so many more important memories and connections that this isn’t one you need to keep anymore. Also validate his feelings about it. Declutterring is emotional work for everyone in the house, and it’s important to recognize and reward that (with experiences, not things!).
As a person who is both an extreme minimalist and a person where gift giving is a primary love language, you're both right in how you feel.
I completely understand where you are both coming from, and have been in both situations.
When gift giving is a big part of how you express your love, when somebody doesn't appreciate the gift you give them, it feels like they don't love you. In their mind you're basically saying "I don't love you" when you do that. Is that the case? Of course not, but that is how it is perceived. It's a real hurt and a valid feeling, the same way how you might feel if somebody were to never say I love you, never spent quality alone time with you, never touched you, etc...
But on the other side of things, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've gotten rid of sooooo many gifts that I've received over the years that I've parted with. I've detached myself from pretty much all sentimental feelings towards items so I understand how you feel too.
You're not a heartless jerk, I'm the same way about words of affirmation. When previous partners have said "I love you" to me, I feel absolutely nothing romantically. It's not that I don't appreciate or understand the meaning behind those words, it's just my feelings of feeling loved don't connect _in that way_. Everyone's brain is wired differently that's it, nothing more, nothing less.
It's a hard place to be in, and I'm going to be honest and say I don't have a real straightforward answer. I think the best thing you can do is talk with him about it and try to be as open as you can. But at the same time, you have to be open and understand his feelings as well.
The same way you get rid of anything I guess
I live alone and I’m single, so whenever somebody gifts me something I won’t use, I just wait a few months and then I’ll get rid of it. I wait a few months in case they come over and so then they’ll see it. Or if it’s clothes I’ll make sure to wear it at least one time around them.
After a few months 99% of the time they will have forgotten about it so I can comfortably get rid of it.
But mostly, nobody really gives me physical gifts anymore. I’ve talked with most of them about it, and they just buy me things like gift cards now so I usually don’t have to get rid of it.
I think both of y'all are totally valid-
I'm the same as you- I value handwritten notes, things that are special and I can use or look at and feel really happy about owning, but bracelets people bought me that I don't wear 100% belong with someone who will wear it.
I also see his side of things- he probably spent rather a lot of money on the bracelet and seeing you casually put it in a "get rid of" pile could hurt. I agree with the other commenter who said that you should tell your husband someone else will use it better.
I'm big into sustainability, and the thought of having recourses that I won't ever use or enjoy gives me hives- I can't keep anything that I'm not going to have a chance of wearing if someone somewhere might use- the more you reuse things, the better it is for the environment.
Also: please ignore dickwad mcgee in the comments this is a completely normal issue and you guys just need to have a chat about priorities
We came to an understanding with my husband that no matter who bought it, if we are ready to let something go the gifter has to understand we appreciated the gift, but it doesn’t serve us anymore. Some people keep their high school jeans, others give them away… I would make sure to have a talk with your husband, acknowledge the hurt and ask him if you can have an honest discussion about gift giving and downsizing. If there are things that are very important to him that he gifted you, he needs to let you know, and the same from you. Then try to go through things together as you do this. It’s not as bad when it’s a together effort because you can state your thoughts and feelings right as you go through things.
I think a nuance to this is that it is jewelry. It’s not like a souvenir cup from a trip or a book you wanted to read back then. Jewelry is sometimes kept in special boxes because they are more important or may be passed down as an heirloom or something.
Not a jerk because you feel like really bad. He got you jewelry when it was a stretch to give you it. It’s essentially the child’s painted rock parents often get. It’s only special because of who gave it to you and the emotional value placed on it. With such tokens you need to be careful about handling them.
Jewelry and child’s rocks are best kept, unless you sit down with all involved and ask them what should be kept. Yes this is how people end up with trucks of stuff, but when the giver is in the house you need to talk about it.
It may be interesting to talk about the memories tied to it. My wife and I have different memories of key events in out dating and marriage. It makes different tokens key and important.
When I was a kid, my parents gave all of us memory boxes. They were basically just spaces where we had permission to keep sentimental objects without them cluttering up the rest of the house, and we could only keep what fit in the box.
I'm wondering if your husband might enjoy something similar for your relationship? Perhaps your could find a small, aesthetic box where you could keep things like the bracelet, maybe those letters from college, wedding invitations, some other things. Maybe even get your wedding date or initials on it and make it part of your bedroom decorations.
I totally see where you were coming from with this, especially because he has so much stuff it sounds like he might feel sentimental about EVERY object. And I get why the bracelet just felt like an object to you. That being said, I'm sympathetic to gifts given early in the relationship having a special meaning to him. The thing I like about the box method is it acknowledges items can be sentimental, but it forces him to pick only a few items to elevate to that status. He gets a box. Its not an unlimited space or permission to hold onto every object; its a limited area with a few precious items. Another benefit is if he is selective about these memories and you keep them in a nice place, it makes it easier for him to actually return to look at them now and then whereas a bracelet at the bottom of a drawer packed with stuff will likely not be enjoyed by either of you.
I’ve been with my wife 14 years. She still has (and on rare occasions wears) a dinky little charm necklace that I got her when we went on our first trip together. Its value is entirely immaterial. It’s sentimental, and that’s the point.
I’m assuming she likes the necklace still though, or also has sentimental feelings towards it. Have you ever gifted your wife anything else that she doesn’t like or has got rid of? It’s unreasonable to expect a partner to keep all gifts forever.
the hate you're getting from those of us who are clearly too juvenile and insecure to maintain a consistent worldview on anything is completely unjustified. the amount of people here, in a minimalist subreddit, who are riding THIS hard for ONE BRACELET is insane to me.
the gesture has value. the gift means nothing. the gesture is never over. you give with every action, every day. the gift of your time, the gift of your service. your love is not measured in material items or money spent. you don't reach a point where you've officially given enough bracelets and now you're done. love is not something you buy. it's a shame a minimalist subreddit isn't more on board with that idea.
some things make more sense to keep if they are especially sentimental, like his letters for example. letters are different than bracelets. they record something in time in a way that a bracelet can't (because it is a bracelet).
your husband has just got to find the confidence to understand that his love has meaning beyond old miscellaneous things that he would never have remembered in the first place if he hadn't stumbled upon them. but neither of you have forgotten you care about one another, clearly, and so that's good.
his understanding and recognition here would be a gesture worth a great deal more than the bracelet ever was.
hahaha just keep the bracelet. overthinking and overanalyzing things mess up relationships more. you make things complicated.
she tried to let go of it, her husband felt bad coz it is impt to him, keep the bracelet coz that is what you do whem you care for someone, you let that hurt go away. plus, keeping it is not a deal breaker or not a biggie.
enough with analysis paralysis. you dont get to judge what is important to him and decide that letters are more sentimental so let go of the bracelet. during those times, pandora was a luxury fashion jewelry and quite expensive. she said, he gave her that when they didnt have much yet. so, that should have said it all for OP.
I actually feel for the guy though. It wouldn't have taken much space or weight to keep that. That said, he'll get over it in a day after a couple drinks with his buddies.
this is an opportunity to discuss love languages, minimalism, and to express to him how much he means to you. and as it is a small thing, it doesn't hurt to keep it.
Wow two full trucks is crazy. Moving is always a good wake up call. Whatever space we have available, we will fill it up with stuff. I think the trick is smaller spaces.
You’re a bit thoughtless of his feelings. Sometimes in marriage you do something for your husband, not for yourself. Recognize he is sentimental and you’re not. Feign sentimentality. 😁
I’m like your husband.
When my husband said he will throw away the necklace I presented him, I cried. It really hurts, it’s not logical but that’s how it works.
I think before throwing something that he presented to you, please have a talk and explain and ask a permission. Help him to understand and be ready that you will do that. He’ll be prepared and it won’t be so hard for him.
You’re not a heartless jerk, you just put different value on this particular thing. I’d just tell him you appreciate him and the notes he writes. If it was upsetting to him, you can put it in a jewelry box and hang onto it for now. And/or, maybe talk together about a plan for how to decide what you do and don’t keep, making sure you have a way to select what you want to keep w/o the other getting upset if you don’t value something the same way. A solution that involving keeping everything isn’t really viable eventually.
What it literally is is not the point. Do you remember the episode of Friends when Ross accused Rachel of not being romantic and she brings out her box of sentimental keepsakes, and one of them is an egg shell from the first omlette they made together?
Literally it was trash, but not to her. It filled her with warm fuzzies.
This bracelet is a great memory and symbol for him. Knowing that, maybe she can find a way to move it up the bracelet salvage list, and bust it out on nights he's feeling low.
That was not the take away you’re supposed to get from that scene. As you’ve pointed out Rachel kept the trash, like OP keeps the notes. Suggesting OP keeps this bracelet that she doesn’t want goes against the meaning of the friends scene you’re referencing.
The point of that scene was that she was exchanging gifts from Ross that he'd chosen but she was keeping the things that were important to her. The OP doesn't want this gift anymore, but she has other items that are sentimental to her like the letters.
I don't think it's fair to guilt people into keeping gifts you bought them - once you give it to them, it's theirs to decide what happens to it. It's not fair that it has to become a burden or an obligation for the rest of their life in case the gift giver gets upset.
My husband does this, he'll see something and buy it for me even if it's something I probably won't use (a children's toiletries kit with sparkly unicorn lip gloss comes to mind) and he gets upset if I talk about getting rid of it or giving it to someone who will actually use it (like my neice). He thinks if he bought it for me, I should keep it even if he never actually put that much thought into it. I have 12 years of gifts from this man, I'm just not sentimental about all of them.
Thank you, glad it's not just me! It had more down votes at one point but noone's explained why I'm wrong. Not what I expected from a sub about minimalism, expecting people to keep things that have no meaning or use to them!
Man that’s tough. You can just say you outgrew the gift and the time that you did have it you really cherished it, but it’s time to move on.
My husband did the same when I sold a coach bag he got for me when we first started dating. Just didn’t need 5 different purses. I’ve never really cared how I looked so if people want to whisper that I’m wearing the same bag twice they can pound sand. Hubs was a little sad I got rid of it but I just told him I outgrew it and no longer need it.
I don't know why you're getting so much hate in these comments. He gave you a gift which means it is yours to do what you want with. If that means keeping it forever, cool. If thay means giving it new life somewhere else, also cool. It's your gift, you get to choose.
I have family members who think I'm unsentimental l because I don't value "things" as much as they do. I just don't think objects inherently hold value and sentiment. To me words and actions (like a handwritten note) mean a lot more than things.
I would talk to your partner and try to understand why he's upset about you getting rid of the bracelet. Maybe he had assigned sentimental value to it and you can do something nice to acknowledge the time he gifted it to you.
Nuh im with OP. Gift giving is usually about the giver, not the receiver. Once you’ve gifted something you have no right to be emotional about what they decide to do with it. Holding onto an item because of guilt goes again the principle of a gift. They are supposed to bring joy not obligations.
Reddit is crazy. Zero reflection of how real life works. If you throw out important, milestone, or heirloom gifts like a used candy wrapper people will be incredibly hurt and they are allowed to feel that way.
The OP doesn't view it as an important, milestone or heirloom gift though. It's just a bracelet, not an anniversary gift or her engagement ring, it doesn't have any meaning attached to it for her.
Well her spouse has stated it’s important to him. Telling others they have “no right” to feel emotional about gifts they give you is ridiculous. People are allowed to feel feelings about anything, and those feelings should be considered when coming from a life partner.
Pandora bracelets can be expensive. It was possibly one of the first “nice” gifts he gave her during their dating phase. He probably spent a lot of time picking it out. Of course he may have feelings over it. You can stomp your feet in protest, and pull the classic redditor “she has no obligation” arguments, but the reality is that gifts from loved ones often DO have emotions surrounding them. Refusing to acknowledge those emotions, especially from your spouse, can hurt your relationships.
No one's stomping their feet. Just because someone is emotional about something, it doesn't mean they're right about it. The OP didn't know her husband placed that importance on it and wasn't trying to hurt him purposely. And yeah you might want to handle the situation more sensitively than 'I'm getting rid of this whether you like it or not', but it still doesn't make you a bad person to want to get rid of something that someone else gave you just because they're upset about it. Obviously, I'm not saying she should just say 'well tough', but ultimately, once you give something to someone, it is theirs to do what they want with and people can't hold on to things forever just because someone else views it differently - you'd be overwhelmed with stuff if that were the case.
My best friend had a Pandora bracelet and I bought her several charms for it, including one for when she was my maid of honour at my wedding. She lost the bracelet and all the charms somewhere, it fell off her wrist. Yes, I was upset that she had lost meaningful charms I had bought her, and I can't just replace them because it won't have the same meaning. But I didn't say anything to her that I was upset she'd not been more careful or whatever - firstly because it's not her fault, and secondly, it's just not my place to make a fuss about it, it's her bracelet not mine.
Nobody said OP was trying to hurt her husband. She handled this way better than what most people are commenting. I’m responding to this specific person who made a comment with zero nuance about how you’re not allowed to have emotions about gifts you give others. Even going as far as subtlety accusing the gift giver of guilting and forcing an obligation on someone for being upset.
Your example story doesn’t relate at all. Your friend lost their gift by accident, they didn’t purposely give it away and accuse you of guilting them for being upset about it.
Also…
>You can’t hold onto something because someone else views it differently.
You can though, which is what OP is doing. Because this isn’t just “someone” it’s her spouse who she lives with and doesn’t want to hurt. They have two moving trucks of other things she can get rid of before trashing a small item that is meaningful to her husband.
What if she still had some of her childhood toys and her parents got upset that she was getting rid of them? Would she still be expected to hang onto them because someone she loved had bought them for her and had feelings about it, even if it was 30 year old toys meant for babies?
Where do you draw the line at the people you love having opinions and feelings over what possessions you keep before you decide they're being unreasonable and they need to let you manage your own belongings?
Are you seriously trying to say that because there’s a possibility for irrational gift expectations to exist, that we should ignore the feelings of all gift givers in every situation? And that someone being upset that you gave away a sentimental item means they are “managing your belongings”? Give me a break.
Let’s discuss your example then. What is the relationship between the kid and parents? How many items are there? How big are these items? I love how I mentioned the other commenter’s lack of nuance and you’re immediate response is “well what if we ignored all nuance and compared it to this completely different situation.” Lol
It’s funny you brought that up, because my own mom recently was upset that I was considering getting rid of a few items from my childhood. I talked to her and ended up repurposing a few of the items and giving her the last item to keep herself. Because I love my mom and it cost me very little to consider her feelings.
I honestly just don't think giving someone something gives you a licence to have an opinion on it forever and while I agree you might be upset if you give someone something then they get rid of it, it doesn't mean they have to keep it.
Even in your own situation, you didn't keep your childhood belongings because your mum was upset, you gave it to her to keep. So you still did get rid of it from your belongings even if she was upset about it. Considering someone's feelings doesn't mean you have to keep stuff.
If someone is expecting you to keep something forever because they gave it to you and is upset with you for not doing this, yes they're trying to manage your belongings. They don't get to decide if you keep it indefinitely or not.
Love language is a two way street. Brushing something off as not being part of your love language is not how it’s supposed to work. When in a relationship need to figure out which love languages your spouse values and work with each other to respect them.
Well you stepped in it, probably being much of the rest of your marriage having that hot button. But we learn, we move on and at least it was something you got insight on unlike when we unknowingly hurt someone unintentionally and never get a true sharing to be clued in.
I went through this same thing with an inexpensive pendant. After 2 years of never wearing it, I tried to donate it during a big move and majorly hurt his feelings. I ended up keeping it in my jewelry box for a long time until we divorced.
The thing is, every single thing he brought into the house - either for me or for us - was sentimental to him and I could not get rid of anything ever. Over time I began to feel suffocated by the amount of stuff piling up, it was mentally exhausting being so crowded in my home. This was a major part of why we broke up, and it took me 6 more years and probably hundreds of trips to the thrift store to declutter and feel at peace in my home again.
So if it's just this particular bracelet, then yeah, keep it because it's meaningful to him. A little misunderstanding, no big deal.
If it's more than just the bracelet and this is part of a larger pattern of hoarding, then I urge you to take it seriously and maybe go to couple's counseling or something.
good thing you kept it.
i was given many gifts by the LOML too, there were a mix of those with minimal value now (but expensive already during those times) and those with significant value until now. however, through the years, i have acquired similar stuff that are way more expensive than any of them. i dont use most of them anymore too. but i have not disposed of, given away or sold any of those he gave but can easily let go of the ones i bought myself. i consider them as for keeps for life and way more valuable for me, more than what money can buy.
"For the people telling me to divorce over a bracelet...I hope yall are OK because wow, that's crazy."
I knew this was coming before even reading the comments. The scary part is, I've seen people actually seem to seriously consider divorce or separation from their SOs because of heavily upvoted Reddit comments recommending this course of action for what looks to me like really really petty things. Thank you for being a sane adult and calling out the melodrama.
I can’t believe how many people on here are like “what’s the big deal it’s so small”
If youve decided to let go of it, if it doesn’t hold the value for you that it does for him, just unload it. I’m sure I’ll get all the comments for this but honestly I’d just wait till he isn’t looking. :-) I’m betting in all the time you’ve had that thing he hasn’t asked about it, doesn’t expect to see it, and the only reason he even thought of it now is because he happened to see it in a box. So I bet it doesn’t *actually* hold value for him either. Or if it does, tell him to find a place among his treasures to keep it.
🤣😂 I think it's more than that. He's doing it to "get something" out of you, and I don't mean it as a bad thing. Like maybe you feel bad and you give him a Sunday with his buddies for fishing, or he buys that extra 150$ wood shop tool (more like 1,500$) but honestly yes you should have kept it. And it's not to make you feel worse. It's because the size of it, it's small. Virtually takes up no space. Men and jewelry are not easy to find with that combo now a days. But on the other hand this senerio is exactly why you have 2 big trucks of junk. If you don't have sentimental connection to it then that's the point you don't need it. That's it you won't even remember it in a few years it will seize from memory.
This is one of my major reasons I can’t go all in. I know I will be hurrying feelings or anger if I get rid of things from family. It’s so tough.
I have hurt peoples feelings with these things and it sucks.
The best is to apologize and move on.
Gift giving love language is hard when you don’t share the same ideas.
You already mentioned love languages, which is a great tool for bringing deeper understanding and fulfillment in a relationship. Why not sit down and you both take the online love languages test together and look at the results together. It will explain how and why things like this happen, so people can be more understanding and less hurt. (And demonstrate their love for one another more effectively next time and for years to come).
I saw something that I’ll summarize “the gift has fulfilled its purpose once it is given to you. The giver feels joy in being able to gift it to you. And they would feel badly if the guilt of holding onto it was causing you pain. So getting rid of it is a gift unto yourself” and I’ve used that mentality ever since. I don’t have a solution for you, I don’t know how to make him feel better. But I personally would have gotten rid of the bracelet too. Recently, I got a deep frame where I keep trinkets that aren’t really aesthetic or usable. A broken ring, a piece of a necklace, a keychain that fell apart. I keep them in the frame like a shadow box and they are special but they don’t feel like they gather dust in a drawer, they have a meaningful home. So maybe you can do something like that for romantic trinkets.
honestly, a bracelet doesn’t take much space. the concept of minimalism is for everyday things, unnecessary consumist attitude and generally a simpler life. Not knowing that your SO has attachments for presents they gave you as an act of love and be willing to hurt him for a trivial thing should make you question about your relationship and your feelings for them. I would never hurt the feelings of someone I love, let alone throwing away a present, be it a shitty one I hate, unless we broke up and I want to get rid of memories. I might be sentimental, but principles come after love in my own personal hit parade of life.
My sisters husband buys my sister the ugliest jewelry and she’s lucky he hasn’t noticed it’s all gone lol. Sorry like I thought she was a dick at first but I’ve seen it and it’s so bad
My wife's not sentimental. If I give her something that took time to do or get, she sometimes says "this isn't my style, can I return it?" or "I'd rather just have the money" and doesn't make that connection that something like that might hurt me. Its a good thing us guys don't have feelings, right, society? lol
Jesus thats a lot of shit to move. a large family or just your twos stuff?
its a waste of money to move most stuff, where you could probably offset by buying stuff you need when you move vs lugging every last thing with you.
>its a waste of money to move most stuff, where you could probably offset by buying stuff you need when you move
It's an even worse waste of resources to simply discard everything, including furniture (???), and then buy everything again new. Besides have you actually checked prices of good quality furniture? If you have the spare cash to waste by moving that way and also don't give a fuck about the environment, fine.
Very much so.
Some mother fuckers grew up ripping the heads off their babydolls
Some mother fuckers grew up destroying the bottoms of their dresser drawers.
I married the latter.
Went to her mommas house and my wife’s siblings had dressers and vanity desks.
But I just had to marry the mother fucker with just a bed and a closet.
Gotdamn right I’m speaking from experience.
This heffa don’t appreciate shit because everything is an opportunity for her to live out her favorite episodes of My So Called Life… and she over 40
Gotdammit!
2x full 26 foot moving trucks? Welcome to the group.
You likely already apologised. I hope you didn’t justify your actions (if so then that’s not an apology)
If you apologize but then try to justify your actions, it undermines the apology. A genuine apology acknowledges the wrongdoing and expresses remorse, without shifting blame or offering excuses.
Justifying your actions suggests you think you were right, and this contradicts the essence of your apology.
A true apology focuses on the impact on the other person, rather than on defending yourself.
I’m not saying OP defended themselves, however.
When you justify your actions, you are giving reasons or excuses for what you did, which makes it seem like you don’t think you were really wrong. True remorse, on the other hand, means you fully admit you were at fault and are sorry without making excuses. This shows you genuinely understand and regret your mistake.
You don’t need to apologize for everything, just for the specific part where you were wrong. This shows you understand exactly what your mistake was and take responsibility for it. It makes your apology more sincere and focused, helping the other person see that you truly recognize the issue.
Of course as far as OP is concerned it might be something more akin to ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I understand that my words/actions caused you pain, and I regret it. I will be more mindful in the future.’
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I don't think you're a heartless jerk. It does seem like gift-giving is your husband's love language, even though it's not yours. This might be where the disconnect is, like maybe he feels even without thinking it that you're throwing away symbols of his love for you. I suggest you sit him down and have an honest conversation. If he's in a headspace for it, try asking why he's so upset about it, not accusatory, just trying to understand him better. I would suggest for your part of the conversation, if appropriate, show that you respect the gifts, his intentions, and the fact that this is a way he shows his love for you. Stress that giving away stuff he gave you isn't you trying to get rid of the memories or the good feelings. Tell him exactly what you said in the second paragraph.
Did you tell him about the things he gave you that you so cherish? I think just talk to him about the things the two of you have that are so much more than the trinket he gave you when you started dating, as important as that was at the time, you’ve made so many more important memories and connections that this isn’t one you need to keep anymore. Also validate his feelings about it. Declutterring is emotional work for everyone in the house, and it’s important to recognize and reward that (with experiences, not things!).
Do not call it a trinket. That would really be disrespectful if he’s that vested in the gift.
Yeah, that’s a good point.
As a person who is both an extreme minimalist and a person where gift giving is a primary love language, you're both right in how you feel. I completely understand where you are both coming from, and have been in both situations. When gift giving is a big part of how you express your love, when somebody doesn't appreciate the gift you give them, it feels like they don't love you. In their mind you're basically saying "I don't love you" when you do that. Is that the case? Of course not, but that is how it is perceived. It's a real hurt and a valid feeling, the same way how you might feel if somebody were to never say I love you, never spent quality alone time with you, never touched you, etc... But on the other side of things, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've gotten rid of sooooo many gifts that I've received over the years that I've parted with. I've detached myself from pretty much all sentimental feelings towards items so I understand how you feel too. You're not a heartless jerk, I'm the same way about words of affirmation. When previous partners have said "I love you" to me, I feel absolutely nothing romantically. It's not that I don't appreciate or understand the meaning behind those words, it's just my feelings of feeling loved don't connect _in that way_. Everyone's brain is wired differently that's it, nothing more, nothing less. It's a hard place to be in, and I'm going to be honest and say I don't have a real straightforward answer. I think the best thing you can do is talk with him about it and try to be as open as you can. But at the same time, you have to be open and understand his feelings as well.
I'm intrigued by how it works. Do you get gifts and then get rid of them?
The same way you get rid of anything I guess I live alone and I’m single, so whenever somebody gifts me something I won’t use, I just wait a few months and then I’ll get rid of it. I wait a few months in case they come over and so then they’ll see it. Or if it’s clothes I’ll make sure to wear it at least one time around them. After a few months 99% of the time they will have forgotten about it so I can comfortably get rid of it. But mostly, nobody really gives me physical gifts anymore. I’ve talked with most of them about it, and they just buy me things like gift cards now so I usually don’t have to get rid of it.
I think both of y'all are totally valid- I'm the same as you- I value handwritten notes, things that are special and I can use or look at and feel really happy about owning, but bracelets people bought me that I don't wear 100% belong with someone who will wear it. I also see his side of things- he probably spent rather a lot of money on the bracelet and seeing you casually put it in a "get rid of" pile could hurt. I agree with the other commenter who said that you should tell your husband someone else will use it better. I'm big into sustainability, and the thought of having recourses that I won't ever use or enjoy gives me hives- I can't keep anything that I'm not going to have a chance of wearing if someone somewhere might use- the more you reuse things, the better it is for the environment. Also: please ignore dickwad mcgee in the comments this is a completely normal issue and you guys just need to have a chat about priorities
We came to an understanding with my husband that no matter who bought it, if we are ready to let something go the gifter has to understand we appreciated the gift, but it doesn’t serve us anymore. Some people keep their high school jeans, others give them away… I would make sure to have a talk with your husband, acknowledge the hurt and ask him if you can have an honest discussion about gift giving and downsizing. If there are things that are very important to him that he gifted you, he needs to let you know, and the same from you. Then try to go through things together as you do this. It’s not as bad when it’s a together effort because you can state your thoughts and feelings right as you go through things.
I think a nuance to this is that it is jewelry. It’s not like a souvenir cup from a trip or a book you wanted to read back then. Jewelry is sometimes kept in special boxes because they are more important or may be passed down as an heirloom or something.
It seems like you both aren’t on the same page. You are downsizing while he’s not. A long talk could help.
Not a jerk because you feel like really bad. He got you jewelry when it was a stretch to give you it. It’s essentially the child’s painted rock parents often get. It’s only special because of who gave it to you and the emotional value placed on it. With such tokens you need to be careful about handling them. Jewelry and child’s rocks are best kept, unless you sit down with all involved and ask them what should be kept. Yes this is how people end up with trucks of stuff, but when the giver is in the house you need to talk about it. It may be interesting to talk about the memories tied to it. My wife and I have different memories of key events in out dating and marriage. It makes different tokens key and important.
When I was a kid, my parents gave all of us memory boxes. They were basically just spaces where we had permission to keep sentimental objects without them cluttering up the rest of the house, and we could only keep what fit in the box. I'm wondering if your husband might enjoy something similar for your relationship? Perhaps your could find a small, aesthetic box where you could keep things like the bracelet, maybe those letters from college, wedding invitations, some other things. Maybe even get your wedding date or initials on it and make it part of your bedroom decorations. I totally see where you were coming from with this, especially because he has so much stuff it sounds like he might feel sentimental about EVERY object. And I get why the bracelet just felt like an object to you. That being said, I'm sympathetic to gifts given early in the relationship having a special meaning to him. The thing I like about the box method is it acknowledges items can be sentimental, but it forces him to pick only a few items to elevate to that status. He gets a box. Its not an unlimited space or permission to hold onto every object; its a limited area with a few precious items. Another benefit is if he is selective about these memories and you keep them in a nice place, it makes it easier for him to actually return to look at them now and then whereas a bracelet at the bottom of a drawer packed with stuff will likely not be enjoyed by either of you.
I’ve been with my wife 14 years. She still has (and on rare occasions wears) a dinky little charm necklace that I got her when we went on our first trip together. Its value is entirely immaterial. It’s sentimental, and that’s the point.
I’m assuming she likes the necklace still though, or also has sentimental feelings towards it. Have you ever gifted your wife anything else that she doesn’t like or has got rid of? It’s unreasonable to expect a partner to keep all gifts forever.
the hate you're getting from those of us who are clearly too juvenile and insecure to maintain a consistent worldview on anything is completely unjustified. the amount of people here, in a minimalist subreddit, who are riding THIS hard for ONE BRACELET is insane to me. the gesture has value. the gift means nothing. the gesture is never over. you give with every action, every day. the gift of your time, the gift of your service. your love is not measured in material items or money spent. you don't reach a point where you've officially given enough bracelets and now you're done. love is not something you buy. it's a shame a minimalist subreddit isn't more on board with that idea. some things make more sense to keep if they are especially sentimental, like his letters for example. letters are different than bracelets. they record something in time in a way that a bracelet can't (because it is a bracelet). your husband has just got to find the confidence to understand that his love has meaning beyond old miscellaneous things that he would never have remembered in the first place if he hadn't stumbled upon them. but neither of you have forgotten you care about one another, clearly, and so that's good. his understanding and recognition here would be a gesture worth a great deal more than the bracelet ever was.
hahaha just keep the bracelet. overthinking and overanalyzing things mess up relationships more. you make things complicated. she tried to let go of it, her husband felt bad coz it is impt to him, keep the bracelet coz that is what you do whem you care for someone, you let that hurt go away. plus, keeping it is not a deal breaker or not a biggie. enough with analysis paralysis. you dont get to judge what is important to him and decide that letters are more sentimental so let go of the bracelet. during those times, pandora was a luxury fashion jewelry and quite expensive. she said, he gave her that when they didnt have much yet. so, that should have said it all for OP.
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I actually feel for the guy though. It wouldn't have taken much space or weight to keep that. That said, he'll get over it in a day after a couple drinks with his buddies.
this is an opportunity to discuss love languages, minimalism, and to express to him how much he means to you. and as it is a small thing, it doesn't hurt to keep it.
Wow two full trucks is crazy. Moving is always a good wake up call. Whatever space we have available, we will fill it up with stuff. I think the trick is smaller spaces.
Yep. There are bigger problems here than a bracelet. One truck should be plenty for a small family, even if they’re not minimalists.
Help him get past dwelling on "stuff". What's important is you have each other. Stuff is easily replaced. People aren't.
You’re a bit thoughtless of his feelings. Sometimes in marriage you do something for your husband, not for yourself. Recognize he is sentimental and you’re not. Feign sentimentality. 😁
I’m like your husband. When my husband said he will throw away the necklace I presented him, I cried. It really hurts, it’s not logical but that’s how it works. I think before throwing something that he presented to you, please have a talk and explain and ask a permission. Help him to understand and be ready that you will do that. He’ll be prepared and it won’t be so hard for him.
You’re not a heartless jerk, you just put different value on this particular thing. I’d just tell him you appreciate him and the notes he writes. If it was upsetting to him, you can put it in a jewelry box and hang onto it for now. And/or, maybe talk together about a plan for how to decide what you do and don’t keep, making sure you have a way to select what you want to keep w/o the other getting upset if you don’t value something the same way. A solution that involving keeping everything isn’t really viable eventually.
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What it literally is is not the point. Do you remember the episode of Friends when Ross accused Rachel of not being romantic and she brings out her box of sentimental keepsakes, and one of them is an egg shell from the first omlette they made together? Literally it was trash, but not to her. It filled her with warm fuzzies. This bracelet is a great memory and symbol for him. Knowing that, maybe she can find a way to move it up the bracelet salvage list, and bust it out on nights he's feeling low.
That was not the take away you’re supposed to get from that scene. As you’ve pointed out Rachel kept the trash, like OP keeps the notes. Suggesting OP keeps this bracelet that she doesn’t want goes against the meaning of the friends scene you’re referencing.
The point of that scene was that she was exchanging gifts from Ross that he'd chosen but she was keeping the things that were important to her. The OP doesn't want this gift anymore, but she has other items that are sentimental to her like the letters. I don't think it's fair to guilt people into keeping gifts you bought them - once you give it to them, it's theirs to decide what happens to it. It's not fair that it has to become a burden or an obligation for the rest of their life in case the gift giver gets upset. My husband does this, he'll see something and buy it for me even if it's something I probably won't use (a children's toiletries kit with sparkly unicorn lip gloss comes to mind) and he gets upset if I talk about getting rid of it or giving it to someone who will actually use it (like my neice). He thinks if he bought it for me, I should keep it even if he never actually put that much thought into it. I have 12 years of gifts from this man, I'm just not sentimental about all of them.
It’s bizarre that someone downvoted your comment. For a minimalist sub I’m surprised how hard some people are routing to keep unwanted gifts.
Thank you, glad it's not just me! It had more down votes at one point but noone's explained why I'm wrong. Not what I expected from a sub about minimalism, expecting people to keep things that have no meaning or use to them!
Man that’s tough. You can just say you outgrew the gift and the time that you did have it you really cherished it, but it’s time to move on. My husband did the same when I sold a coach bag he got for me when we first started dating. Just didn’t need 5 different purses. I’ve never really cared how I looked so if people want to whisper that I’m wearing the same bag twice they can pound sand. Hubs was a little sad I got rid of it but I just told him I outgrew it and no longer need it.
I don't know why you're getting so much hate in these comments. He gave you a gift which means it is yours to do what you want with. If that means keeping it forever, cool. If thay means giving it new life somewhere else, also cool. It's your gift, you get to choose. I have family members who think I'm unsentimental l because I don't value "things" as much as they do. I just don't think objects inherently hold value and sentiment. To me words and actions (like a handwritten note) mean a lot more than things. I would talk to your partner and try to understand why he's upset about you getting rid of the bracelet. Maybe he had assigned sentimental value to it and you can do something nice to acknowledge the time he gifted it to you.
It’s a bracelet. It’s super tiny and not taking any space. There was no reason to get rid of it since your husband offered it to you.
Nuh im with OP. Gift giving is usually about the giver, not the receiver. Once you’ve gifted something you have no right to be emotional about what they decide to do with it. Holding onto an item because of guilt goes again the principle of a gift. They are supposed to bring joy not obligations.
Reddit is crazy. Zero reflection of how real life works. If you throw out important, milestone, or heirloom gifts like a used candy wrapper people will be incredibly hurt and they are allowed to feel that way.
The OP doesn't view it as an important, milestone or heirloom gift though. It's just a bracelet, not an anniversary gift or her engagement ring, it doesn't have any meaning attached to it for her.
Well her spouse has stated it’s important to him. Telling others they have “no right” to feel emotional about gifts they give you is ridiculous. People are allowed to feel feelings about anything, and those feelings should be considered when coming from a life partner. Pandora bracelets can be expensive. It was possibly one of the first “nice” gifts he gave her during their dating phase. He probably spent a lot of time picking it out. Of course he may have feelings over it. You can stomp your feet in protest, and pull the classic redditor “she has no obligation” arguments, but the reality is that gifts from loved ones often DO have emotions surrounding them. Refusing to acknowledge those emotions, especially from your spouse, can hurt your relationships.
No one's stomping their feet. Just because someone is emotional about something, it doesn't mean they're right about it. The OP didn't know her husband placed that importance on it and wasn't trying to hurt him purposely. And yeah you might want to handle the situation more sensitively than 'I'm getting rid of this whether you like it or not', but it still doesn't make you a bad person to want to get rid of something that someone else gave you just because they're upset about it. Obviously, I'm not saying she should just say 'well tough', but ultimately, once you give something to someone, it is theirs to do what they want with and people can't hold on to things forever just because someone else views it differently - you'd be overwhelmed with stuff if that were the case. My best friend had a Pandora bracelet and I bought her several charms for it, including one for when she was my maid of honour at my wedding. She lost the bracelet and all the charms somewhere, it fell off her wrist. Yes, I was upset that she had lost meaningful charms I had bought her, and I can't just replace them because it won't have the same meaning. But I didn't say anything to her that I was upset she'd not been more careful or whatever - firstly because it's not her fault, and secondly, it's just not my place to make a fuss about it, it's her bracelet not mine.
Nobody said OP was trying to hurt her husband. She handled this way better than what most people are commenting. I’m responding to this specific person who made a comment with zero nuance about how you’re not allowed to have emotions about gifts you give others. Even going as far as subtlety accusing the gift giver of guilting and forcing an obligation on someone for being upset. Your example story doesn’t relate at all. Your friend lost their gift by accident, they didn’t purposely give it away and accuse you of guilting them for being upset about it. Also… >You can’t hold onto something because someone else views it differently. You can though, which is what OP is doing. Because this isn’t just “someone” it’s her spouse who she lives with and doesn’t want to hurt. They have two moving trucks of other things she can get rid of before trashing a small item that is meaningful to her husband.
What if she still had some of her childhood toys and her parents got upset that she was getting rid of them? Would she still be expected to hang onto them because someone she loved had bought them for her and had feelings about it, even if it was 30 year old toys meant for babies? Where do you draw the line at the people you love having opinions and feelings over what possessions you keep before you decide they're being unreasonable and they need to let you manage your own belongings?
Are you seriously trying to say that because there’s a possibility for irrational gift expectations to exist, that we should ignore the feelings of all gift givers in every situation? And that someone being upset that you gave away a sentimental item means they are “managing your belongings”? Give me a break. Let’s discuss your example then. What is the relationship between the kid and parents? How many items are there? How big are these items? I love how I mentioned the other commenter’s lack of nuance and you’re immediate response is “well what if we ignored all nuance and compared it to this completely different situation.” Lol It’s funny you brought that up, because my own mom recently was upset that I was considering getting rid of a few items from my childhood. I talked to her and ended up repurposing a few of the items and giving her the last item to keep herself. Because I love my mom and it cost me very little to consider her feelings.
I honestly just don't think giving someone something gives you a licence to have an opinion on it forever and while I agree you might be upset if you give someone something then they get rid of it, it doesn't mean they have to keep it. Even in your own situation, you didn't keep your childhood belongings because your mum was upset, you gave it to her to keep. So you still did get rid of it from your belongings even if she was upset about it. Considering someone's feelings doesn't mean you have to keep stuff. If someone is expecting you to keep something forever because they gave it to you and is upset with you for not doing this, yes they're trying to manage your belongings. They don't get to decide if you keep it indefinitely or not.
Love language is a two way street. Brushing something off as not being part of your love language is not how it’s supposed to work. When in a relationship need to figure out which love languages your spouse values and work with each other to respect them.
With so much stuff, a bracelet is the least of your worries.
Well you stepped in it, probably being much of the rest of your marriage having that hot button. But we learn, we move on and at least it was something you got insight on unlike when we unknowingly hurt someone unintentionally and never get a true sharing to be clued in.
I went through this same thing with an inexpensive pendant. After 2 years of never wearing it, I tried to donate it during a big move and majorly hurt his feelings. I ended up keeping it in my jewelry box for a long time until we divorced. The thing is, every single thing he brought into the house - either for me or for us - was sentimental to him and I could not get rid of anything ever. Over time I began to feel suffocated by the amount of stuff piling up, it was mentally exhausting being so crowded in my home. This was a major part of why we broke up, and it took me 6 more years and probably hundreds of trips to the thrift store to declutter and feel at peace in my home again. So if it's just this particular bracelet, then yeah, keep it because it's meaningful to him. A little misunderstanding, no big deal. If it's more than just the bracelet and this is part of a larger pattern of hoarding, then I urge you to take it seriously and maybe go to couple's counseling or something.
It was a gift Todd the painting is mine
good thing you kept it. i was given many gifts by the LOML too, there were a mix of those with minimal value now (but expensive already during those times) and those with significant value until now. however, through the years, i have acquired similar stuff that are way more expensive than any of them. i dont use most of them anymore too. but i have not disposed of, given away or sold any of those he gave but can easily let go of the ones i bought myself. i consider them as for keeps for life and way more valuable for me, more than what money can buy.
"For the people telling me to divorce over a bracelet...I hope yall are OK because wow, that's crazy." I knew this was coming before even reading the comments. The scary part is, I've seen people actually seem to seriously consider divorce or separation from their SOs because of heavily upvoted Reddit comments recommending this course of action for what looks to me like really really petty things. Thank you for being a sane adult and calling out the melodrama.
I can’t believe how many people on here are like “what’s the big deal it’s so small” If youve decided to let go of it, if it doesn’t hold the value for you that it does for him, just unload it. I’m sure I’ll get all the comments for this but honestly I’d just wait till he isn’t looking. :-) I’m betting in all the time you’ve had that thing he hasn’t asked about it, doesn’t expect to see it, and the only reason he even thought of it now is because he happened to see it in a box. So I bet it doesn’t *actually* hold value for him either. Or if it does, tell him to find a place among his treasures to keep it.
🤣😂 I think it's more than that. He's doing it to "get something" out of you, and I don't mean it as a bad thing. Like maybe you feel bad and you give him a Sunday with his buddies for fishing, or he buys that extra 150$ wood shop tool (more like 1,500$) but honestly yes you should have kept it. And it's not to make you feel worse. It's because the size of it, it's small. Virtually takes up no space. Men and jewelry are not easy to find with that combo now a days. But on the other hand this senerio is exactly why you have 2 big trucks of junk. If you don't have sentimental connection to it then that's the point you don't need it. That's it you won't even remember it in a few years it will seize from memory.
Your insensitive.
This is one of my major reasons I can’t go all in. I know I will be hurrying feelings or anger if I get rid of things from family. It’s so tough. I have hurt peoples feelings with these things and it sucks. The best is to apologize and move on. Gift giving love language is hard when you don’t share the same ideas.
You already mentioned love languages, which is a great tool for bringing deeper understanding and fulfillment in a relationship. Why not sit down and you both take the online love languages test together and look at the results together. It will explain how and why things like this happen, so people can be more understanding and less hurt. (And demonstrate their love for one another more effectively next time and for years to come).
I saw something that I’ll summarize “the gift has fulfilled its purpose once it is given to you. The giver feels joy in being able to gift it to you. And they would feel badly if the guilt of holding onto it was causing you pain. So getting rid of it is a gift unto yourself” and I’ve used that mentality ever since. I don’t have a solution for you, I don’t know how to make him feel better. But I personally would have gotten rid of the bracelet too. Recently, I got a deep frame where I keep trinkets that aren’t really aesthetic or usable. A broken ring, a piece of a necklace, a keychain that fell apart. I keep them in the frame like a shadow box and they are special but they don’t feel like they gather dust in a drawer, they have a meaningful home. So maybe you can do something like that for romantic trinkets.
honestly, a bracelet doesn’t take much space. the concept of minimalism is for everyday things, unnecessary consumist attitude and generally a simpler life. Not knowing that your SO has attachments for presents they gave you as an act of love and be willing to hurt him for a trivial thing should make you question about your relationship and your feelings for them. I would never hurt the feelings of someone I love, let alone throwing away a present, be it a shitty one I hate, unless we broke up and I want to get rid of memories. I might be sentimental, but principles come after love in my own personal hit parade of life.
My sisters husband buys my sister the ugliest jewelry and she’s lucky he hasn’t noticed it’s all gone lol. Sorry like I thought she was a dick at first but I’ve seen it and it’s so bad
My wife's not sentimental. If I give her something that took time to do or get, she sometimes says "this isn't my style, can I return it?" or "I'd rather just have the money" and doesn't make that connection that something like that might hurt me. Its a good thing us guys don't have feelings, right, society? lol
it's a good thing too when people put value in the things they give the other because they were done so with love.
Let him read this text.. That should pretty much fix the situation since you can't communicate to him with words..
If you start wearing it, he would likely bounce right back faster than a boomerang.
Nothing like some good old patronizing
Men have feelings too.
Jesus thats a lot of shit to move. a large family or just your twos stuff? its a waste of money to move most stuff, where you could probably offset by buying stuff you need when you move vs lugging every last thing with you.
>its a waste of money to move most stuff, where you could probably offset by buying stuff you need when you move It's an even worse waste of resources to simply discard everything, including furniture (???), and then buy everything again new. Besides have you actually checked prices of good quality furniture? If you have the spare cash to waste by moving that way and also don't give a fuck about the environment, fine.
I didn’t say discard them, I’m saying you’re paying for the same stuff all over again. waste either way
Wow, that’s the stupidest comment I’ve seen all week!
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girl what
Not so casual misogyny
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Very much so. Some mother fuckers grew up ripping the heads off their babydolls Some mother fuckers grew up destroying the bottoms of their dresser drawers. I married the latter. Went to her mommas house and my wife’s siblings had dressers and vanity desks. But I just had to marry the mother fucker with just a bed and a closet. Gotdamn right I’m speaking from experience. This heffa don’t appreciate shit because everything is an opportunity for her to live out her favorite episodes of My So Called Life… and she over 40 Gotdammit!
schizophrenic
2x full 26 foot moving trucks? Welcome to the group. You likely already apologised. I hope you didn’t justify your actions (if so then that’s not an apology)
braindead and will die alone
You have 79 karma and are clearly a troll
dont think you know what that word means
If you apologize but then try to justify your actions, it undermines the apology. A genuine apology acknowledges the wrongdoing and expresses remorse, without shifting blame or offering excuses. Justifying your actions suggests you think you were right, and this contradicts the essence of your apology. A true apology focuses on the impact on the other person, rather than on defending yourself. I’m not saying OP defended themselves, however.
not planning to read this
Justifying actions undermines an apology; true remorse admits fault.
what does that mean?
When you justify your actions, you are giving reasons or excuses for what you did, which makes it seem like you don’t think you were really wrong. True remorse, on the other hand, means you fully admit you were at fault and are sorry without making excuses. This shows you genuinely understand and regret your mistake. You don’t need to apologize for everything, just for the specific part where you were wrong. This shows you understand exactly what your mistake was and take responsibility for it. It makes your apology more sincere and focused, helping the other person see that you truly recognize the issue. Of course as far as OP is concerned it might be something more akin to ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I understand that my words/actions caused you pain, and I regret it. I will be more mindful in the future.’
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Are you okay?
divorce is the way