People that sexually assault others, pedophiles, etc. are not worthy of forgiveness and don’t deserve it. She has no business telling you who you should or should not forgive.
I would keep my kids away from that lunatic as well. Remind her it’s her choice to be with him because she’s too chickenshit to start over again. She’s weak. So staying with him and blaming you for not being able to see your child, is the easiest thing to do.
Even worse — it’s cyclical within his family. My FILs father was convicted of the rape of a minor when he was in his mid 30s. His father was also a pastor and groomed a girl who was a student to him as a youth pastor. We made it clear before our baby was born that FILs dad was to never have a relationship with our child because of this. My in laws said “that makes us really sad, he would never hurt a child again”. I’m sure my MIL felt offended because she fairly regularly sent all three of her children to spend time with their grandfather… UNSUPERVISED. We basically said you’re entitled to your opinion but tough shit. Just because you sent your kids to the lions’ den, doesn’t mean I have to. She says we have “different views on humanity and what people deserve”.
You are doing the right thing. She’s in denial. I would encourage you to just ignore her and tell her one last thing: keep our name out of your mouths and tell FIL keep our son’s name and outs out of his mouth. If he’s still lying about being your son’s primary caregiver and that you are uninvolved parents, get a lawyer to send him a cease & desist order and contemplate suing him for slander.
She’s got me blocked on everything. Even after her making it such a big deal that I NEEDED to apologize to her for her to even consider speaking to me again. My husband has her number blocked now and says he doesn’t have an interest in reaching out.
They will ALWAYS "hurt" another child. There's never any hope of true safety with a pedophile. That woman supports terrible crimes. The only acceptable answer is zero contact with any of them ever again, and I'd tell them why.
Men who use religion as part of their abuse seek out stupid women to marry. it makes them easier to manipulate and control them. Your FIL hit the motherload with his wife.
This is EXACTLY what I told my husband. I just know he sits up at night thinking, “holy shit, I can’t believe I’m actually getting away with this!!!” That’s how insane it is. My MIL says I am too loud, opinionated and passionate as if those are negatives?? Hell, they’re why my husband married me!!! He has always told me that he did not want a meek and mousy woman like his mother.
She’s just as bad as they are, so they’re perfect for each other. She became a predator the second she turned a blind eye to her husband and his father’s disgusting actions. She’s probably so vitriolic towards you because she sees genuine, good people as a threat to her ability to be a disgusting person without consequences. You sound like an amazing parent, doing what’s best to keep your family safe from predators who could hurt you or your son.
Yeah I 100% believe they deserve each other. All I ever have wanted is the best for my child. After I disclosed my abuse to my mom, she told her mom (my grandmother) and neither of them did anything. My mom was told to keep it quiet and that it was probably an “accident” (not even sure how that would be possible). My mother continued to drop me off at my abusers home regularly as he would babysit us overnight. Things kept on as normal until I got the courage to tell one of my mom’s siblings. I will not do this to my child. I just couldn’t stomach it. No way in HELL I’m ever even giving someone the potential to harm my child. I don’t care if he didn’t hit my kid or molest him. He severely violated our child’s privacy, our child is not theirs and we are the only ones who get to decide who has access to them. She got to raise her children how she saw fit, but it’s a problem when I do the same for mine?? Get outta here.
Edited: grammar
It is so incredibly sad to me to see women like your MIL who have such low self-esteem they are willing to continue a "relationship" like the one you describe. I grew up in a family that attended church with a father who was a deacon and Sunday School teacher. I am an ordained minister. To me, your MIL claiming "moral superiority" by enabling your abusive FIL is an example of perverting what we learn in church.
You are 100% doing the right thing. Stay strong, u/deadvibessss. Hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them.
Thank you so much for these kind words. My husband and I believe in god but it is not in the traditional white, western, evangelical sense- which is how he grew up. Low self-esteem is exactly it. This is a woman who can’t weigh more than 100lbs and her Pinterest board is full of low-calorie recipes and workouts to lose 10lbs in two weeks. This is a woman who would tell the story of her ripping her stitches after birth because as soon as she was sent home she went running on her treadmill to “lose the baby weight” as if it were quirky and funny. This is a woman who was surprised when she learned that her son doesn’t pressure me for sex, even after our baby was born. She had a little too much wine one night and told me that FIL practically had the 6 week postpartum date circled on the calendar after every child and whines incessantly about not being intimate for TWO days. I think she’s the type of woman who takes that as a compliment rather than the huge, red flag that it is. 🚩 There is nothing I could learn from her about how to be an authentic, secure and strong woman.
She said “I always asked my boys if anything happened to them when they were back from being with their grandpa!!” Like how do I explain to you that as parents, we are just never sending our vulnerable child to be with someone who we have to ask if they SA’d them while in their care??? Like that’s just not an option??
So in case he succeeded in doing them harm, they would stop sending them there after…?
I don’t understand how her brain works. Suspecting it doesn’t work very well!
I’m at a loss as to why your husband is still in contact with his parents when his mother has such an awful opinion of you and scant regard for her grandchild’s safety!
Thank you!!! This is the first thing I thought when reading the end.
Any time his mother says anything rude about his wife he should shut her down immediately and further tell her that if she keeps it up he’ll go NC with her as well!
FIL crosses the line when he involves your child. Absolutely cut him completely out of the picture. It really doesn't matter much what he does in his marriage and how he is a lying cheating bastard, but you can't allow him to send pictures of your child to other people. That is just wrong.
Your MIL is enabling his behavior, is some ways this is more damaging to your child than the FIL's actions. That reaction teaches him that there are no consequences to breaking societal norms, and, again, he is and adult and what he does is his own business, but you can set a boundary that he is not allowed around your child. MIL takes exception to this and thinks that since she forgives him, that everyone else should just turn a blind eye to his misanthropy.
This is not being hateful, this is being loving and protective of your family and child. Note you are not trying to control MIL or FIL's behavior, you are simply putting a boundary that it can't be around your impressionable child. Kids can detect hypocrisy, they may not understand it, but if they are told conflicting things it puts them in a bad position. So better to not let it happen.
We’ve been completely no contact since October ‘23. He sent a shitty one page handwritten letter as some poor attempt at an olive branch. It was one page long and rambled on about how hard this has all been for him and how there was “context surrounding his actions”. I wrote back basically telling him to eat shit, and that he will never be in contact with us again and that I hope all of the deceit was all worth it. The kicker is — both of my in-laws have my phone number blocked, so I had to unblock him on social media, send that message and re-block immediately. I also let him know that if you send someone a letter addressed to them, but have their number blocked.. it makes you look like a performative asshole. I also told him that I’m convinced that my MIL has a low IQ for eating his bullshit for breakfast which was unnecessary but she had already been calling me names and being shitty to me for a long while at that point.
My god. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. What horrible people. I really hope your spouse is backing you up.
And you are NOT too "aggressive," "too much," or "too passionate!" You're exactly as much as you need to be!
He has repeatedly asked her not to talk poorly about me, especially to him. After the Father’s Day text in particular, she doubled down and said “well her actions are hateful and awful I’m just calling it like I see it”, or something to that effect.
Calling a woman aggressive is an old trope, as if being "aggressive" is terrible. It's not. In this case, it's taking control of a horrible situation and not letting yourself get walked on. And who wouldn't be passionate about their child?
WTF is she texting your husband and saying bad things about you? Husband needs to tell her that she cannot talk about his SO like that and he should have your back!
Are you worried that he’s still sending your LO’s photo to strangers online? This would be my main focus now. I would advise MIL that if you find out that he’s still pretending to be your child’s sole guardian & slandering you both with his lies, you will take him to court & all his sordid affairs will become public knowledge, and you will have no trouble getting some of these women to testify about him sending photos of your child to strangers.
This is awful on all fronts. I don't for a moment understand why your husband has any contact with either of them. They are both completely untrustworthy. Why associate with someone who has so little respect for herself?
We have both been no-contact with FIL since October of ‘23. I think my husband continues to try to have a relationship with his mom because up until last year, he truly thought his parents were normal people. I think he’s trying to wrap his head around them both being not just nut jobs, but *dangerous* people. He’s blocked her number again now. He did for five months and then recently unblocked her in an attempt to reconnect (I get it, I went through this cycle with my own mom as an adult for years before I met my husband as well as while we were dating), and then it all goes to shit when she sends him texts like this. He says he is done trying and doesn’t know when he will want to again.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, just reading it gave me anxiety and I don't even have my crazy EXMIL in my life anymore!
I cannot possibly completely understand but my EXMIL was very religious and she always used the bible to put others (read: ME) down. Even when we were having trouble and I had 4 miscarriages she used Sarah & Abraham as a way to try to get rid of me! I mean, really!!! I guess I'm just trying to let you know that you're not alone.
I'm sending you lots of hugs and prayers and positive vibes and I really hope that your DH considers going fully NC. I think it's time for you to explain, one more time, how much her words bother you. He needs to protect you and your child from this craziness.
I would also ask your DH to send you a screenshot of the Father's Day text and I would send the screenshot and this text: Dear MIL, your assessment of me being aggressive and too much is hateful and wrong. I'm not sure what you know and to be completely honest, I don't really think/care about you or your feelings, your marriage much at all anymore, you have no effect on me and DHs marriage and you definitely have zero effect on me anymore. I hope you find the peace you need and I hope you realize that you and I and therefore my child are going to be just fine and we will be just fine without you being in our lives at all.
But I'm petty!
Wow. You sound like a very strong woman, a great mother and wife. I feel bad for so many involved in this situation. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I don't know if you're religious or not but I took a similar situation to my pastor and he said that when things like this happen and there is danger to your family or your children the window to your world needs to become a portal, and then even a peephole... and sadly at times it has to close all together. This is unfortunately one of those times.
There are probably complexities beyond this... there will be funerals, weddings, social media and other shared relatives. You will have to work things out between your and your spouse for how you will handle all of that. It sucks when you have to go no contact with a relative and it impacts other family relationships. My MIL destroyed my husband's relationship with his side of the family and that has been a damn shame as my kids would love to see those aunts and uncles.
I think something like this is harder than a death because it is a death of the living. The relationship is lost. Even if the FIL tried to make amends and reconcile with you and your husband, how could you trust? What would that even look like?
Again so sorry for what you are going through. After 10 years of this kind of shit we now have about a dozen people we are not genetically related to that come over for holidays and that have became family over time. When you meet new people tell them you're light on relatives and really are glad you met. There are a lot of people like us out there looking for healthy relationships.
My heart breaks for this situation. Best to your family.
Why is your husband still communicating with her? You of all people know exactly what kind of woman this is. If your child were being abused she’d blame your child for “stirring up trouble”. She could have video evidence of her husband’s crimes and she wouldn’t believe. She should be out of your life. Completely.
She blames you so she doesn’t have to blame him. Good for her for being so forgiving to everyone but you. She needs a scapegoat and guess what …. You are it!!! Love yourself and don’t worry about MIL and company. Those are not the type of people you want to be around your inner circle anyway. Build your village and live happily ever after (as much as humanly possible). These people do not deserve you or your family. Allow the trash to take itself out.
If he’s accused of grooming or SA of minors, you should be able to report it. You also should be able to report them giving unsupervised visits with someone who has been charged with underage r*pe. It doesn’t hurt to ask.
She’s making you the bad guy because if she didn’t “forgive” him and move on with him people might find out the awful truth and judge and pity her. Jokes on her, people will judge her more now for staying. Your child is better off without grandparents on your husbands side.
All three of her children have admitted that they pity her. Even the two that still talk to her. Not a life I’d ever want to live. Our child has so many people that love, cherish and spoil the heck out of him. He won’t remember my in-laws but they will remember him and will have to live with that hole in their hearts forever.
It’s time for your husband to tell his mother he will be demonstrating the same level of loyalty to HIS spouse that she has chosen to show her own—and that, as such, he will no longer tolerate her saying ANYTHING negative about you. If she violates that, he will no longer speak to her either.
You are right to keep your child away from a human being like your FIL, and his enabler wife.
Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
They are both equally as vile as each other. Fuck them.
Part of the reason we stopped talking to my in laws was because they fully supported a pedophile. He had been caught with CP on his computer, and a pair of little girl undies and a diaper. He went to prison over it. The in-laws decided that meant he had been forgiven. I had two small children at this point and we were living on the same property as them. They often had this man over for dinner, and would usually “warn” us. Luckily we were in our own building and so we just kept the door locked. The last time they gave us no warning. My husband was at work. I was fairly close to calling someone to report him but we moved before he came back again. Along with that huge red flag, we had seen some concerning behaviors from husbands mother.
From about 5-15 I was also SA, I’m very protective about my children. Even without that trauma I would still be protective. Some people are just bad people. Anyone who supports them are also not good people. Your MIL is not a good person and I’d say your FIL is just plain evil.
Hugs.
It’s so crazy because she HATESSSSS her sister’s ex-husband, and he’s just an asshole narcissist! Has had nothing but awful things to say about him for all the years I’ve known her. So interesting to see that that’s where she draws the line but THIS is just a blip on the radar, and we all just need to “get over it”
I’m so sorry Op. She has displaced anger, which is NOT me condoning it. She is absolutely using you as a scapegoat. Whatever helps her sleep at night/s
She’s a shit person, you are a not! Let her live her miserable life without you or her grandchild in it. Anyone with a brain see’s through her nonsense.
I hope your husband goes NC with her as well. I would suggest he stop telling you the evil things she says. She is justifying her weakness and minimizing your strength! I’m proud of you for booting this toxic POS from your life.
You are not “Aggressive”, you are not “too much”, you are RIGHT in your actions!
“Anyone with a brain sees through her nonsense” YES! How is she trying to gaslight us when we’ve spoken to two trained and qualified therapists, elders, family, friends etc.. and not ONE person has said “You guys are blowing this out of proportion. It’s not that big of a deal. Just make amends!” It is a big deal even if she desperately wishes it weren’t.
Once I told her that my race affects how she perceives me and interacts with me because of the way she was socially conditioned. That it was impossible to escape and it is subconscious, but I can see it and so can others; she responded by saying “well I always feel watched by you like I’m watching on eggshells. You’ve made me feel so uncomfortable. I haven’t been myself the entire time I’ve known you, I’ve never felt safe to be myself around you”. Like lady… I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this…. THAT IS A FORM OF RACISM!!! Also way to totally dismiss and undervalue the vulnerability I just shared with you.
That makes me SICK!!! I’m so sorry Op! She is ugly, she can’t see the beautiful person you are! All she sees is her bigotry. I truly despise people like her. She loves to minimize doesn’t she?!?
This seems really straightforward to me. She can forgive and stay with him, that is her decision. He used images and videos of your son to get close to these women and give them a false sense of trust. It's your job as parents to make sure your son is not being exploited so that supply to anyone close to FIL needs to stop. You are under no obligation to keep making those things available if you can't trust those around him to cut him off.
We have. My husband doesn’t post on social media, but I removed everyone in his family and friend circle, so that no one can have access to photos of our child or anything that’s going on in our lives.
My MIL sent my husband a text like this. Not for father's day. Telling him I'm wrong and she hopes one day he will see my manipulation and she is so sad to see the way I abuse him. That I think I know everything, but I don't. That I didn't take her advice regarding our first baby and how rude I was.
I have a friend labeled as too much and aggressive. Put me beside her and I look like Fluttershy from my little pony. (We are both white)
The thing she didn't know, was it was my husband who requested she visit a month earlier than I wanted. And it was my husband who asked I let her hold LO for long stretches while he slept. Both boundaries I set for everyone in my family and his not to do. But she got the backstage pass to cross those boundaries. I could of said no, but I love him and saw his heart. I also trusted his mother not to blow a gasket over me saying 'no thank you ' and sometimes asking her to not pick up my already sleeping baby.
Yes, my abusive manipulative butt just let my husband cross some boundaries for you. 🙄
It could have been worse. She could have not been able to visit until LO was 3 months old/almost 4.
My heart broke reading this. Just to say I’m so sorry so much trauma has been inflicted on you first of all, and secondly how much I admire how strong you are being for your child. They are lucky to have a mom who is willing to go to bat for them to protect them at all costs. I’m sorry that you MIL is a shitty person when you deserve to have a much better one. Finally I hope you are doing ok with everything that might have been thrown up for you trauma wise with all that your POS fil has done. I would go ballistic if I knew my kids photos were being used like that!! Mind yourself, protect your peace and remind yourself you are doing the right thing
Talk about delusional. It is easier to blame you than admit to the wrong doing. I would go to the Police and possible escalate to the FBI (if you are in the US).
Understandably you are emotional as a past victim and trying to protect your child. I would also immediately contact a lawyer and serve a cease and desist letter on both FIL and MIL. They will also assist in going to the Police. Child welfare services may also be appropriate.
Your MIL is not worth your time and you have been far too generous with her. She is enabling a predator and using your child to do so !!!!!!!!!
Your husband needs to stand up for his wife and child asap. Verbal and written comments about you should be called out every time and it be made clear it is not acceptable. I wonder why he is near her at all and think that he would benefit from counselling to for a reality check. Do not allow your child around either of them or allow them or other people to have any photos. If anyone asks why tell them what FIL and MIL have done.
I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from making sure that the Church community know about this either overtly or covertly. They need to be aware that your FIL is a predator being enabled by your MIL. She has also knowingly made a choice to stand with him.
There is something very very sick about people who use children to coerce sexual favours. Who knows how far this has gone ?
Keep protecting your family. I hope your husband is being 100% with you and not resenting you. It sounds like he’s being great and that’s so different than what we usually see here.
I wish you healing. Your story of your childhood is so similar to mine. I didn’t get real justice either but I was at least removed from the home thank goodness and my dad!
Yet your husband continues to talk to her whilst she shits all over your name TO HIM. No consequences for her awful behaviour no?
Then tells you about it? For what and why?
I should have better clarified in the post. The last time she spoke poorly about me to him he blocked her for 5 months. He unblocked in attempt to try to reconnect and form some semblance of a relationship with her, if she was willing to sit down and talk with me — which I was actually open to. He had a conversation with her on the phone and she was super agreeable which made me nervous. It felt like she was just trying to “get him on the hook” and fill her own tank. He said that she just kept saying “I’m just so glad to be talking to you”. And when he agrees to start working towards repair; this is how she behaves a couple of weeks later. To which he responded by blocked her again. I’m trying to give some grace to my husband because I understand what it’s like to try to make it work with a toxic parent. I went through my own journey with it and it took *years*. I get the feeling of wanting desperately to be in normal, functioning relationship with your parent, and it can be an entire process until you get to the point of acceptance. I think he is getting there, but I know it will just take some time.
They all need to be blocked and cut off. Your husband is accepting this by still being in contact. He needs to stand up for his family, his parents are no longer it.
Your LO has been exploited and abused and I am so glad you have been able to protect him from further abuse from your FIL.
Your MIL is in many ways just as bad as FIL - turning a blind eye to his behaviour is condoning it.
Why is your FIL not in prison?
You MIL is just as deserving of NC as FIL.
From what I have gathered, the victims are too ashamed and embarrassed to come forward formally and legally. As someone who chose go that route, I get it. It was so embarrassing and re-traumatizing that I almost feel regretful of it. Nothing came from it as is what happens all too often.
Just think on this guys, Gary Ridgeway carried a picture of his son so women would see that and feel more comfortable. A Lot of men use kids to get women's trust and as in " I take care of my grandson " , so I ca, be trusted.
I literally told her this. She kept saying “I know him!! Are you saying the 26 years of my marriage were a lie??!!! HOW DARE YOU!!” Like do you know how many pedophiles and serial killers have oblivious wives and families of their own?? Sneaky and deceitful people are just that!
That woman is living rent free in your head.
You are absolutely right to NC her. Now you need to be at peace with that decision. Maybe a few therapy sessions will give you a safe place to work through your feelings.
UpdateMe
I understand! I appreciate your input. We have a therapist that we see regularly and have discussed this with them ever since this situation came about. I think it’s hard because I genuinely feel that my in-laws are awful people, but my husband has a harder time viewing them in the same way because he thought they were normal for so many years of his life. I think that’s the part I have a hard time making peace with.
I had not understood that your husband is not totally behind you.
Doesn’t he speak up for you when his mother trash-talks you?
I hope you and your husband can pull together.
I think he needs to do better than debate with her.
He should be taking firm stances.
“When you insult my wife, you insult me.
“If you expect to ever see me again, you’ll apologize.
“If you force me to choose, I’ll choose my wife and you and I will never communicate again.
Many a marriage has failed became a spouse is too weak to stand up to a parent who abuses their spouse.
You, OP, have to decide whether you will live with the status quo, or if this is a hill to die on.
I should shove clarified better in the original post but I’ve mentioned it in other comments; the last time she insulted me he blocked her for 5 months. He unblocked her several weeks ago in an attempt to see if she would be willing to speak with us, and that she needed to apologize. I think he wanted to have some semblance of a relationship with her because honestly? I think that’s pretty natural. I tried to be relationship with my very abusive mother for years before I realized I needed to cut her off. I would never tell my husband that he cannot have a relationship with his mother but he very much understands that I have no desire at this point- I’ve been hurt way too much. And our son is not to spend time with her either. He understands and agrees with me on both of those things. He’s just now realizing his parents are insane and so I’m trying to give some grace. She sent the Father’s Day text a couple of weeks after speaking to her on the phone, when she was being suspiciously agreeable albeit vague- he unfortunately took the bait. I have a covert narcissistic mom so I saw it from a mile away. It reads as manipulation to get back into his good graces so that he will speak to her and she doesn’t have to feel like a failure. It was so soothe her own ego if nothing else. He has since blocked her and has no interest in reconciling.
Sounds like you’re as on top of things as possible… and hubby is right there with you. Count your blessings.
Not that this helps you, but my parents were dead set against my engagement because of a religious difference.
But my mother soon came around and she fell in love with my wife. For almost 50 years, they had the most beautiful loving relationship.
My most wonderful memories are seeing the two of them together in the kitchen, preparing for holiday and family celebrations.
My wife called her Mommy.
The word for daughter-in-law on our language is harsh and unpleasant, so my mother called her “my daughter” or more often,”my precious daughter.”
Well; this makes it even easier, doesn’t it? I mean, your SO’s father is a piece of hypocritical, abusive, dangerous human garbage. So he is out of the picture already.
Your SO’s mother decides to defend her piece of sh*t husband, and she defines “forgiveness” as “pretending it never happened and putting oneself in danger again” while also insulting you, badmouthing you to others and trying to get in your husband’s ear to break up your marriage. And you also know you can never have her close to your kid again, as she might sneak her way into taking pictures and share them with her crazy ass husband!
I think I would grieve a relationship with a nice person, if I had to give them up. But you don’t need to grieve the loss of these two people from your life.
Cut them off. Move on. Feel relieved.
I’m just sad because I wanted to give my child a full family. I grew up very close with two of my grandparents and it was the most special relationship imo. I feel like I failed my kid by not vetting these nut jobs better.
People that sexually assault others, pedophiles, etc. are not worthy of forgiveness and don’t deserve it. She has no business telling you who you should or should not forgive. I would keep my kids away from that lunatic as well. Remind her it’s her choice to be with him because she’s too chickenshit to start over again. She’s weak. So staying with him and blaming you for not being able to see your child, is the easiest thing to do.
Even worse — it’s cyclical within his family. My FILs father was convicted of the rape of a minor when he was in his mid 30s. His father was also a pastor and groomed a girl who was a student to him as a youth pastor. We made it clear before our baby was born that FILs dad was to never have a relationship with our child because of this. My in laws said “that makes us really sad, he would never hurt a child again”. I’m sure my MIL felt offended because she fairly regularly sent all three of her children to spend time with their grandfather… UNSUPERVISED. We basically said you’re entitled to your opinion but tough shit. Just because you sent your kids to the lions’ den, doesn’t mean I have to. She says we have “different views on humanity and what people deserve”.
Thank God you are protecting your child! Sending you tons of good vibes and prayers, OP.
You are doing the right thing. She’s in denial. I would encourage you to just ignore her and tell her one last thing: keep our name out of your mouths and tell FIL keep our son’s name and outs out of his mouth. If he’s still lying about being your son’s primary caregiver and that you are uninvolved parents, get a lawyer to send him a cease & desist order and contemplate suing him for slander.
She’s got me blocked on everything. Even after her making it such a big deal that I NEEDED to apologize to her for her to even consider speaking to me again. My husband has her number blocked now and says he doesn’t have an interest in reaching out.
Good to see your husband has her blocked too. I was wondering why he was still talking to her.
Same, my earlier comment said as much.
Don’t worry about unblocking her. Get a lawyer and have him send a cease and desist to them both for using LO’s picture and slandering you.
Sounds like the best news ever. She took herself out.
They will ALWAYS "hurt" another child. There's never any hope of true safety with a pedophile. That woman supports terrible crimes. The only acceptable answer is zero contact with any of them ever again, and I'd tell them why.
Men who use religion as part of their abuse seek out stupid women to marry. it makes them easier to manipulate and control them. Your FIL hit the motherload with his wife.
This is EXACTLY what I told my husband. I just know he sits up at night thinking, “holy shit, I can’t believe I’m actually getting away with this!!!” That’s how insane it is. My MIL says I am too loud, opinionated and passionate as if those are negatives?? Hell, they’re why my husband married me!!! He has always told me that he did not want a meek and mousy woman like his mother.
She’s just as bad as they are, so they’re perfect for each other. She became a predator the second she turned a blind eye to her husband and his father’s disgusting actions. She’s probably so vitriolic towards you because she sees genuine, good people as a threat to her ability to be a disgusting person without consequences. You sound like an amazing parent, doing what’s best to keep your family safe from predators who could hurt you or your son.
Yeah I 100% believe they deserve each other. All I ever have wanted is the best for my child. After I disclosed my abuse to my mom, she told her mom (my grandmother) and neither of them did anything. My mom was told to keep it quiet and that it was probably an “accident” (not even sure how that would be possible). My mother continued to drop me off at my abusers home regularly as he would babysit us overnight. Things kept on as normal until I got the courage to tell one of my mom’s siblings. I will not do this to my child. I just couldn’t stomach it. No way in HELL I’m ever even giving someone the potential to harm my child. I don’t care if he didn’t hit my kid or molest him. He severely violated our child’s privacy, our child is not theirs and we are the only ones who get to decide who has access to them. She got to raise her children how she saw fit, but it’s a problem when I do the same for mine?? Get outta here. Edited: grammar
It is so incredibly sad to me to see women like your MIL who have such low self-esteem they are willing to continue a "relationship" like the one you describe. I grew up in a family that attended church with a father who was a deacon and Sunday School teacher. I am an ordained minister. To me, your MIL claiming "moral superiority" by enabling your abusive FIL is an example of perverting what we learn in church. You are 100% doing the right thing. Stay strong, u/deadvibessss. Hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them.
Thank you so much for these kind words. My husband and I believe in god but it is not in the traditional white, western, evangelical sense- which is how he grew up. Low self-esteem is exactly it. This is a woman who can’t weigh more than 100lbs and her Pinterest board is full of low-calorie recipes and workouts to lose 10lbs in two weeks. This is a woman who would tell the story of her ripping her stitches after birth because as soon as she was sent home she went running on her treadmill to “lose the baby weight” as if it were quirky and funny. This is a woman who was surprised when she learned that her son doesn’t pressure me for sex, even after our baby was born. She had a little too much wine one night and told me that FIL practically had the 6 week postpartum date circled on the calendar after every child and whines incessantly about not being intimate for TWO days. I think she’s the type of woman who takes that as a compliment rather than the huge, red flag that it is. 🚩 There is nothing I could learn from her about how to be an authentic, secure and strong woman.
She uses her faith as a cloak for her cowardice. Ignore her.
Yeah, I think children don’t deserve abuse.
She said “I always asked my boys if anything happened to them when they were back from being with their grandpa!!” Like how do I explain to you that as parents, we are just never sending our vulnerable child to be with someone who we have to ask if they SA’d them while in their care??? Like that’s just not an option??
So in case he succeeded in doing them harm, they would stop sending them there after…? I don’t understand how her brain works. Suspecting it doesn’t work very well!
I’m at a loss as to why your husband is still in contact with his parents when his mother has such an awful opinion of you and scant regard for her grandchild’s safety!
Thank you!!! This is the first thing I thought when reading the end. Any time his mother says anything rude about his wife he should shut her down immediately and further tell her that if she keeps it up he’ll go NC with her as well!
I’m curious what he replied to that manipulative bs Father’s Day text. He needs to set her straight, asap.
FIL crosses the line when he involves your child. Absolutely cut him completely out of the picture. It really doesn't matter much what he does in his marriage and how he is a lying cheating bastard, but you can't allow him to send pictures of your child to other people. That is just wrong. Your MIL is enabling his behavior, is some ways this is more damaging to your child than the FIL's actions. That reaction teaches him that there are no consequences to breaking societal norms, and, again, he is and adult and what he does is his own business, but you can set a boundary that he is not allowed around your child. MIL takes exception to this and thinks that since she forgives him, that everyone else should just turn a blind eye to his misanthropy. This is not being hateful, this is being loving and protective of your family and child. Note you are not trying to control MIL or FIL's behavior, you are simply putting a boundary that it can't be around your impressionable child. Kids can detect hypocrisy, they may not understand it, but if they are told conflicting things it puts them in a bad position. So better to not let it happen.
We’ve been completely no contact since October ‘23. He sent a shitty one page handwritten letter as some poor attempt at an olive branch. It was one page long and rambled on about how hard this has all been for him and how there was “context surrounding his actions”. I wrote back basically telling him to eat shit, and that he will never be in contact with us again and that I hope all of the deceit was all worth it. The kicker is — both of my in-laws have my phone number blocked, so I had to unblock him on social media, send that message and re-block immediately. I also let him know that if you send someone a letter addressed to them, but have their number blocked.. it makes you look like a performative asshole. I also told him that I’m convinced that my MIL has a low IQ for eating his bullshit for breakfast which was unnecessary but she had already been calling me names and being shitty to me for a long while at that point.
My god. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. What horrible people. I really hope your spouse is backing you up. And you are NOT too "aggressive," "too much," or "too passionate!" You're exactly as much as you need to be!
He has repeatedly asked her not to talk poorly about me, especially to him. After the Father’s Day text in particular, she doubled down and said “well her actions are hateful and awful I’m just calling it like I see it”, or something to that effect.
he needs to go nc too
See. Asked is the wrong word there. It should be “husband TOLD her”. And then set consequences when she continued.
Calling a woman aggressive is an old trope, as if being "aggressive" is terrible. It's not. In this case, it's taking control of a horrible situation and not letting yourself get walked on. And who wouldn't be passionate about their child?
right, this bitch
The only real question is *why* your husband keeps speaking to her.
I’d be happy that such a brainwashed sheep thinks I’m a terrible person
WTF is she texting your husband and saying bad things about you? Husband needs to tell her that she cannot talk about his SO like that and he should have your back! Are you worried that he’s still sending your LO’s photo to strangers online? This would be my main focus now. I would advise MIL that if you find out that he’s still pretending to be your child’s sole guardian & slandering you both with his lies, you will take him to court & all his sordid affairs will become public knowledge, and you will have no trouble getting some of these women to testify about him sending photos of your child to strangers.
This is awful on all fronts. I don't for a moment understand why your husband has any contact with either of them. They are both completely untrustworthy. Why associate with someone who has so little respect for herself?
We have both been no-contact with FIL since October of ‘23. I think my husband continues to try to have a relationship with his mom because up until last year, he truly thought his parents were normal people. I think he’s trying to wrap his head around them both being not just nut jobs, but *dangerous* people. He’s blocked her number again now. He did for five months and then recently unblocked her in an attempt to reconnect (I get it, I went through this cycle with my own mom as an adult for years before I met my husband as well as while we were dating), and then it all goes to shit when she sends him texts like this. He says he is done trying and doesn’t know when he will want to again.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, just reading it gave me anxiety and I don't even have my crazy EXMIL in my life anymore! I cannot possibly completely understand but my EXMIL was very religious and she always used the bible to put others (read: ME) down. Even when we were having trouble and I had 4 miscarriages she used Sarah & Abraham as a way to try to get rid of me! I mean, really!!! I guess I'm just trying to let you know that you're not alone. I'm sending you lots of hugs and prayers and positive vibes and I really hope that your DH considers going fully NC. I think it's time for you to explain, one more time, how much her words bother you. He needs to protect you and your child from this craziness. I would also ask your DH to send you a screenshot of the Father's Day text and I would send the screenshot and this text: Dear MIL, your assessment of me being aggressive and too much is hateful and wrong. I'm not sure what you know and to be completely honest, I don't really think/care about you or your feelings, your marriage much at all anymore, you have no effect on me and DHs marriage and you definitely have zero effect on me anymore. I hope you find the peace you need and I hope you realize that you and I and therefore my child are going to be just fine and we will be just fine without you being in our lives at all. But I'm petty!
Wow. You sound like a very strong woman, a great mother and wife. I feel bad for so many involved in this situation. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I don't know if you're religious or not but I took a similar situation to my pastor and he said that when things like this happen and there is danger to your family or your children the window to your world needs to become a portal, and then even a peephole... and sadly at times it has to close all together. This is unfortunately one of those times. There are probably complexities beyond this... there will be funerals, weddings, social media and other shared relatives. You will have to work things out between your and your spouse for how you will handle all of that. It sucks when you have to go no contact with a relative and it impacts other family relationships. My MIL destroyed my husband's relationship with his side of the family and that has been a damn shame as my kids would love to see those aunts and uncles. I think something like this is harder than a death because it is a death of the living. The relationship is lost. Even if the FIL tried to make amends and reconcile with you and your husband, how could you trust? What would that even look like? Again so sorry for what you are going through. After 10 years of this kind of shit we now have about a dozen people we are not genetically related to that come over for holidays and that have became family over time. When you meet new people tell them you're light on relatives and really are glad you met. There are a lot of people like us out there looking for healthy relationships. My heart breaks for this situation. Best to your family.
Why is your husband still communicating with her? You of all people know exactly what kind of woman this is. If your child were being abused she’d blame your child for “stirring up trouble”. She could have video evidence of her husband’s crimes and she wouldn’t believe. She should be out of your life. Completely.
He currently has her blocked and doesn’t know when he’ll want to reach out again
She blames you so she doesn’t have to blame him. Good for her for being so forgiving to everyone but you. She needs a scapegoat and guess what …. You are it!!! Love yourself and don’t worry about MIL and company. Those are not the type of people you want to be around your inner circle anyway. Build your village and live happily ever after (as much as humanly possible). These people do not deserve you or your family. Allow the trash to take itself out.
Thank you for these kind words. It’s hard for sure when you feel like you’re being gaslit by the entirety of your spouse’s family 😅
I would also suggest considering calling CPS on him. To pre-empt him being around kids.
Can you tell me more about this? My understanding is that laws surrounding children and media are pretty lax sans anything pornographic.
If he’s accused of grooming or SA of minors, you should be able to report it. You also should be able to report them giving unsupervised visits with someone who has been charged with underage r*pe. It doesn’t hurt to ask.
She’s making you the bad guy because if she didn’t “forgive” him and move on with him people might find out the awful truth and judge and pity her. Jokes on her, people will judge her more now for staying. Your child is better off without grandparents on your husbands side.
All three of her children have admitted that they pity her. Even the two that still talk to her. Not a life I’d ever want to live. Our child has so many people that love, cherish and spoil the heck out of him. He won’t remember my in-laws but they will remember him and will have to live with that hole in their hearts forever.
It’s time for your husband to tell his mother he will be demonstrating the same level of loyalty to HIS spouse that she has chosen to show her own—and that, as such, he will no longer tolerate her saying ANYTHING negative about you. If she violates that, he will no longer speak to her either.
He did! She said “well I guess we are stuck then” 🤣🤣🤣
You are right to keep your child away from a human being like your FIL, and his enabler wife. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. They are both equally as vile as each other. Fuck them.
Ditto.
Part of the reason we stopped talking to my in laws was because they fully supported a pedophile. He had been caught with CP on his computer, and a pair of little girl undies and a diaper. He went to prison over it. The in-laws decided that meant he had been forgiven. I had two small children at this point and we were living on the same property as them. They often had this man over for dinner, and would usually “warn” us. Luckily we were in our own building and so we just kept the door locked. The last time they gave us no warning. My husband was at work. I was fairly close to calling someone to report him but we moved before he came back again. Along with that huge red flag, we had seen some concerning behaviors from husbands mother. From about 5-15 I was also SA, I’m very protective about my children. Even without that trauma I would still be protective. Some people are just bad people. Anyone who supports them are also not good people. Your MIL is not a good person and I’d say your FIL is just plain evil. Hugs.
It’s so crazy because she HATESSSSS her sister’s ex-husband, and he’s just an asshole narcissist! Has had nothing but awful things to say about him for all the years I’ve known her. So interesting to see that that’s where she draws the line but THIS is just a blip on the radar, and we all just need to “get over it”
I’m so sorry Op. She has displaced anger, which is NOT me condoning it. She is absolutely using you as a scapegoat. Whatever helps her sleep at night/s She’s a shit person, you are a not! Let her live her miserable life without you or her grandchild in it. Anyone with a brain see’s through her nonsense. I hope your husband goes NC with her as well. I would suggest he stop telling you the evil things she says. She is justifying her weakness and minimizing your strength! I’m proud of you for booting this toxic POS from your life. You are not “Aggressive”, you are not “too much”, you are RIGHT in your actions!
“Anyone with a brain sees through her nonsense” YES! How is she trying to gaslight us when we’ve spoken to two trained and qualified therapists, elders, family, friends etc.. and not ONE person has said “You guys are blowing this out of proportion. It’s not that big of a deal. Just make amends!” It is a big deal even if she desperately wishes it weren’t.
Just know you are in the right! She a sorry excuse for a person. Total rubbish! And to attack your race…ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!!!
Once I told her that my race affects how she perceives me and interacts with me because of the way she was socially conditioned. That it was impossible to escape and it is subconscious, but I can see it and so can others; she responded by saying “well I always feel watched by you like I’m watching on eggshells. You’ve made me feel so uncomfortable. I haven’t been myself the entire time I’ve known you, I’ve never felt safe to be myself around you”. Like lady… I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this…. THAT IS A FORM OF RACISM!!! Also way to totally dismiss and undervalue the vulnerability I just shared with you.
That makes me SICK!!! I’m so sorry Op! She is ugly, she can’t see the beautiful person you are! All she sees is her bigotry. I truly despise people like her. She loves to minimize doesn’t she?!?
This seems really straightforward to me. She can forgive and stay with him, that is her decision. He used images and videos of your son to get close to these women and give them a false sense of trust. It's your job as parents to make sure your son is not being exploited so that supply to anyone close to FIL needs to stop. You are under no obligation to keep making those things available if you can't trust those around him to cut him off.
We have. My husband doesn’t post on social media, but I removed everyone in his family and friend circle, so that no one can have access to photos of our child or anything that’s going on in our lives.
My MIL sent my husband a text like this. Not for father's day. Telling him I'm wrong and she hopes one day he will see my manipulation and she is so sad to see the way I abuse him. That I think I know everything, but I don't. That I didn't take her advice regarding our first baby and how rude I was. I have a friend labeled as too much and aggressive. Put me beside her and I look like Fluttershy from my little pony. (We are both white) The thing she didn't know, was it was my husband who requested she visit a month earlier than I wanted. And it was my husband who asked I let her hold LO for long stretches while he slept. Both boundaries I set for everyone in my family and his not to do. But she got the backstage pass to cross those boundaries. I could of said no, but I love him and saw his heart. I also trusted his mother not to blow a gasket over me saying 'no thank you ' and sometimes asking her to not pick up my already sleeping baby. Yes, my abusive manipulative butt just let my husband cross some boundaries for you. 🙄 It could have been worse. She could have not been able to visit until LO was 3 months old/almost 4.
My heart broke reading this. Just to say I’m so sorry so much trauma has been inflicted on you first of all, and secondly how much I admire how strong you are being for your child. They are lucky to have a mom who is willing to go to bat for them to protect them at all costs. I’m sorry that you MIL is a shitty person when you deserve to have a much better one. Finally I hope you are doing ok with everything that might have been thrown up for you trauma wise with all that your POS fil has done. I would go ballistic if I knew my kids photos were being used like that!! Mind yourself, protect your peace and remind yourself you are doing the right thing
I cannot imagine why you or your husband are still talking to her.
We don’t.
Talk about delusional. It is easier to blame you than admit to the wrong doing. I would go to the Police and possible escalate to the FBI (if you are in the US). Understandably you are emotional as a past victim and trying to protect your child. I would also immediately contact a lawyer and serve a cease and desist letter on both FIL and MIL. They will also assist in going to the Police. Child welfare services may also be appropriate. Your MIL is not worth your time and you have been far too generous with her. She is enabling a predator and using your child to do so !!!!!!!!! Your husband needs to stand up for his wife and child asap. Verbal and written comments about you should be called out every time and it be made clear it is not acceptable. I wonder why he is near her at all and think that he would benefit from counselling to for a reality check. Do not allow your child around either of them or allow them or other people to have any photos. If anyone asks why tell them what FIL and MIL have done. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from making sure that the Church community know about this either overtly or covertly. They need to be aware that your FIL is a predator being enabled by your MIL. She has also knowingly made a choice to stand with him. There is something very very sick about people who use children to coerce sexual favours. Who knows how far this has gone ?
Keep protecting your family. I hope your husband is being 100% with you and not resenting you. It sounds like he’s being great and that’s so different than what we usually see here. I wish you healing. Your story of your childhood is so similar to mine. I didn’t get real justice either but I was at least removed from the home thank goodness and my dad!
Yet your husband continues to talk to her whilst she shits all over your name TO HIM. No consequences for her awful behaviour no? Then tells you about it? For what and why?
I should have better clarified in the post. The last time she spoke poorly about me to him he blocked her for 5 months. He unblocked in attempt to try to reconnect and form some semblance of a relationship with her, if she was willing to sit down and talk with me — which I was actually open to. He had a conversation with her on the phone and she was super agreeable which made me nervous. It felt like she was just trying to “get him on the hook” and fill her own tank. He said that she just kept saying “I’m just so glad to be talking to you”. And when he agrees to start working towards repair; this is how she behaves a couple of weeks later. To which he responded by blocked her again. I’m trying to give some grace to my husband because I understand what it’s like to try to make it work with a toxic parent. I went through my own journey with it and it took *years*. I get the feeling of wanting desperately to be in normal, functioning relationship with your parent, and it can be an entire process until you get to the point of acceptance. I think he is getting there, but I know it will just take some time.
They all need to be blocked and cut off. Your husband is accepting this by still being in contact. He needs to stand up for his family, his parents are no longer it.
Your LO has been exploited and abused and I am so glad you have been able to protect him from further abuse from your FIL. Your MIL is in many ways just as bad as FIL - turning a blind eye to his behaviour is condoning it. Why is your FIL not in prison? You MIL is just as deserving of NC as FIL.
From what I have gathered, the victims are too ashamed and embarrassed to come forward formally and legally. As someone who chose go that route, I get it. It was so embarrassing and re-traumatizing that I almost feel regretful of it. Nothing came from it as is what happens all too often.
Just think on this guys, Gary Ridgeway carried a picture of his son so women would see that and feel more comfortable. A Lot of men use kids to get women's trust and as in " I take care of my grandson " , so I ca, be trusted.
I literally told her this. She kept saying “I know him!! Are you saying the 26 years of my marriage were a lie??!!! HOW DARE YOU!!” Like do you know how many pedophiles and serial killers have oblivious wives and families of their own?? Sneaky and deceitful people are just that!
Yup I agree 10000000%
That woman is living rent free in your head. You are absolutely right to NC her. Now you need to be at peace with that decision. Maybe a few therapy sessions will give you a safe place to work through your feelings. UpdateMe
I wouldn’t say “living rent free”? I am human and I am grieving the family I thought that I was going to be able to provide for my child.
I was not putting you down. I was pointing out that she’s disturbing your peace of mind . I
I understand! I appreciate your input. We have a therapist that we see regularly and have discussed this with them ever since this situation came about. I think it’s hard because I genuinely feel that my in-laws are awful people, but my husband has a harder time viewing them in the same way because he thought they were normal for so many years of his life. I think that’s the part I have a hard time making peace with.
I had not understood that your husband is not totally behind you. Doesn’t he speak up for you when his mother trash-talks you? I hope you and your husband can pull together.
He tells her not to talk poorly of me and she just continues because she feels she is justified.
I think he needs to do better than debate with her. He should be taking firm stances. “When you insult my wife, you insult me. “If you expect to ever see me again, you’ll apologize. “If you force me to choose, I’ll choose my wife and you and I will never communicate again. Many a marriage has failed became a spouse is too weak to stand up to a parent who abuses their spouse. You, OP, have to decide whether you will live with the status quo, or if this is a hill to die on.
I should shove clarified better in the original post but I’ve mentioned it in other comments; the last time she insulted me he blocked her for 5 months. He unblocked her several weeks ago in an attempt to see if she would be willing to speak with us, and that she needed to apologize. I think he wanted to have some semblance of a relationship with her because honestly? I think that’s pretty natural. I tried to be relationship with my very abusive mother for years before I realized I needed to cut her off. I would never tell my husband that he cannot have a relationship with his mother but he very much understands that I have no desire at this point- I’ve been hurt way too much. And our son is not to spend time with her either. He understands and agrees with me on both of those things. He’s just now realizing his parents are insane and so I’m trying to give some grace. She sent the Father’s Day text a couple of weeks after speaking to her on the phone, when she was being suspiciously agreeable albeit vague- he unfortunately took the bait. I have a covert narcissistic mom so I saw it from a mile away. It reads as manipulation to get back into his good graces so that he will speak to her and she doesn’t have to feel like a failure. It was so soothe her own ego if nothing else. He has since blocked her and has no interest in reconciling.
Sounds like you’re as on top of things as possible… and hubby is right there with you. Count your blessings. Not that this helps you, but my parents were dead set against my engagement because of a religious difference. But my mother soon came around and she fell in love with my wife. For almost 50 years, they had the most beautiful loving relationship. My most wonderful memories are seeing the two of them together in the kitchen, preparing for holiday and family celebrations. My wife called her Mommy. The word for daughter-in-law on our language is harsh and unpleasant, so my mother called her “my daughter” or more often,”my precious daughter.”
Q
Well; this makes it even easier, doesn’t it? I mean, your SO’s father is a piece of hypocritical, abusive, dangerous human garbage. So he is out of the picture already. Your SO’s mother decides to defend her piece of sh*t husband, and she defines “forgiveness” as “pretending it never happened and putting oneself in danger again” while also insulting you, badmouthing you to others and trying to get in your husband’s ear to break up your marriage. And you also know you can never have her close to your kid again, as she might sneak her way into taking pictures and share them with her crazy ass husband! I think I would grieve a relationship with a nice person, if I had to give them up. But you don’t need to grieve the loss of these two people from your life. Cut them off. Move on. Feel relieved.
I’m just sad because I wanted to give my child a full family. I grew up very close with two of my grandparents and it was the most special relationship imo. I feel like I failed my kid by not vetting these nut jobs better.
You can still build networks with nice people who your children can enjoy and trust 💗