I get that this is a roast but I recently learned that when he was young, Mark represented some of the Raiders players in contract talks with the team to a point where Al kicked him out of the house because he was being too close to the players. He then proceeded to live with the late great Cliff Branch, whose deal he negotiated.
Knowing this makes me question his hair cut even more, because why would any sane, smart person voluntarily have that hair cut?
If I had a nickel for everytime Derek fumbled the ball to the end zone for a touch back....well it wouldn't be alot, but its still wierd it happened twice.
The last time the Raiders won a playoff game is closer in time to the introduction of new Coke and the release of The Goonies than it is to the present day.
West coast football reminds me a lot of Dodge.
Ram: Reliable, popular, award winning.
Charger: Beloved once again, enjoyed by many.
Raider: Haven't really seen those in a few decades.
It’s actually because he was tryna bang some chick in college. She said he was too wild and needs to take his religion more seriously. He did and now they’re married.
People blame this team for abandoning California, but have you seen housing prices there? I reckon the 1.9 billion they spent on Allegiant Stadium would barely get you a high school caliber stadium there these days!
Yeah, it's made it a much less classy place...and I say this as somebody who once saw someone piss their pants so they didn't have to abandon their slot machine.
Q. Where's the best place to watch the Raiders play in the Super Bowl?
A. The History Channel.
Let's see...John Madden is dead, and Jon Gruden got fired last year. So...anyone know how Frank Caliendo is doing lately?
A Pats coordinator who had, not one, but ***two*** of the most disastrous head coaching stints in recent memory (if you can even count the second one as a stint)
It's always a trip to me that Derek Carr looks like he's either Jehovah's Witness who goes door to door trying to convert people or a meth dealer with literally no in between
Unrelated to the roast but one of my buddies actually lived 3 or 4 houses down from the Carrs in Bakersfield back in the day and found their dog running around in the neighborhood once then returned it. Is that super cool or noteworthy? Not particularly.
Derek Carr got a hole in one while golfing by himself earlier this off-season. Can we talk about how none of Carr’s teammates could make it to golf with their Quarterback?
From Clifford Branch to Darrius Heyward-Bey the Raider's philosophy at wide receiver has always been that speed kills. But.....sometimes you can take a good thing too far....
Top reasons for committing crimes in Vegas:
- Debt from gambling
- Wife leaves you
- Being a touted rookie and finding out you’ve been drafted by the Raiders
The new ownership group for the Broncos includes the chairpeople of the boards of some of the largest, most successful companies on the planet, Doctor and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and one of the best drivers in formula 1 racing history (also a knight).
The Raider’s owner cuts his own hair, and looks like he should be carrying [Krang](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/7/71/KrangAndroidBodyRender.png/revision/latest?cb=20210307152932) around in his belly
Let’s not go touting our new ownership quiet yet… cause at least four of the six can be tied to some stuff worse then bad hair cuts. Pretty sure one of them would have helped Krang in his conquest for world domination
I actually respect the Raiders for leaning into their history as the NFL's "bad boys" with the decision to play their games in [Darth Vader's helmet](https://www.reviewjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/13724559_web1_ALLEGIANT-STADIUM-MAY07-20_050720kc_012.jpg).
You know,i could be creative and roast the Raiders in a new and original way, but i think i'll be like Bill Callahan and use some Eagles fan's roastbook to dominate,because it's not i'll have to face said fan in the big one... right?
Marc Davis picked the location of Allegiant Stadium as it is a mid-point between 2 PF Chang's.
For the record, not a joke. It is literally almost equidistant between 2 PF Changs locations.
Yeah, I actually looked it up and was OMG...
The best type of roasts are those that aren't common knowledge. That way you have new reasons to laugh at a team that few others know.
No fucking way lmfao
That “chinese food craving, paralytic indecision” crowd is very spendy…
soo hungry need to find my wife and head to pf changs
Goat quote
When it comes to PF Changs, he always knows what to do
[https://i.imgur.com/uJ2rIdq.jpeg](https://imgur.com/a/J6lpYAY) Holy shit!
Marc Davis is just as "smart" as his haircut
A lot of people call it a bowlcut, but it'll always be the "Dickhead" to me.
I get that this is a roast but I recently learned that when he was young, Mark represented some of the Raiders players in contract talks with the team to a point where Al kicked him out of the house because he was being too close to the players. He then proceeded to live with the late great Cliff Branch, whose deal he negotiated. Knowing this makes me question his hair cut even more, because why would any sane, smart person voluntarily have that hair cut?
If he was smart, he'd put one in the stadium.
Things that makes me clench: dentist drilling, nails on a chalkboard, Derek Carr running to the endzone with the ball.
What about the raiders when their lease at a stadium is up?
I shrug and pack my Darth Vader gear for San Antonio or Portland at that point...
I’d like that second one
"Keep Portland Weird" "No, not *that* weird"
If I had a nickel for everytime Derek fumbled the ball to the end zone for a touch back....well it wouldn't be alot, but its still wierd it happened twice.
At least Carr has a leg up on some of the other QBs
Alex Smith? Too soon?
Oh god the dentist drilling just brought back terrible memories… the novacain wore off 😭
The last time the Raiders won a playoff game, Youtube didn’t exist
The last time the Raiders won a playoff game, LeBron was in high school
The last time the Raiders won a playoff game, Facebook didn't exist
College football recruits weren’t even born
The iPhone didn't exist
Black Hawk Down was the number 1 movie the last time the Raiders won a playoff game.
The last time the Raiders won a playoff game is closer in time to the introduction of new Coke and the release of The Goonies than it is to the present day.
IT STILL IS!!!
Dude, MySpace wasn’t a thing yet the last time the Raiders won a playoff game
PS3 & X360 weren’t released yet.
Imagine being the team to give Cincinnati its first playoff win in 30+ years
Is it a roast, if I was still happy to see another team happy about being successful and likable?
Raiders might have an awful O-line but Derek Carr makes up for it. And by makeup I mean he wears a bunch of mascara.
“but Derek Carr will makeup for it” would have sounded smoother
With that Texan accent he’s somehow adopted these past few years.
The Central Valley has an accent...
What? He sounded the exact same in [2014](https://youtu.be/uh7ekTVJKpI)
hey at least we found a charger fan don’t push it now
Next season your teams playoff victory drought will be old enough to gamble at the casinos in vegas
Fuck.
Best place to go to end a drought is in the middle of the fucking desert
It's not a drought if it's never been wet!
*Dane Cook liked this*
slow clap.. Look forward seeing your team on New Years. Is Trey old enough to go to casinos yet?
You fuckers can't possibly hurt my soul more than this team has so best of luck
Yeah it's not like you guys have the best roster the Raiders have had since the early 2000s and are going to be battling for 3rd in the division.
That division might send 3 teams to the playoffs. The raiders still may not be one of the 3 teams
Hey it's still mathematically possible that the AFCW sends 4 teams to the playoffs...
First off how fucking dare you?!?!
You say that like we haven’t already experienced going 6-0 in the division and still missing the playoffs.
West coast football reminds me a lot of Dodge. Ram: Reliable, popular, award winning. Charger: Beloved once again, enjoyed by many. Raider: Haven't really seen those in a few decades.
I believe they are still attached to the bottom of your teams cleats after last season lmao
Fair. Just *being* Raider's fan ought to be punishment enough.
Lakers - Raiders - Dodgers It’s been rough
The Lakers and dodgers both won chpionships over the last 3 years lol. Try Raiders A's Sharks
Derek Carr, Kirk Cousins and Andy Dalton walk into a bar .... That's all I have so far but I know there's a solid joke there
They're all there to enviously view the players that have moved on in the postseason.
More succinctly; “Wild card weekend is on.”
Emo Andy Dalton, AntiVax Andy Dalton, and Andy Dalton walk into a bar...
Bartender looks at all three and says, “it must be playoff time”
"they're all watching the post season"
In a Las Vegas prison you can find their 2020 draft class
Hey, only our first rounders.
Derek Carr looks like the type of guy who found his faith during a long prison stint for a violent crime.
I mean that's not surprising he's from Bakersfield and then did a stint in Houston.
As someone from Bakersfield, this is accurate
From Palmdale and would go up there for punk shows a pizza place. That's an ugly ass city
At this rate, most of their players will be doing exactly that
He’s always had a certain look, but I could never describe it. That is until now. Thank you for providing me with something I didn’t know I needed.
When he's in that death stare istg he looks like a serial killer
I mean, is there a more Raiders thing than that?
It’s actually because he was tryna bang some chick in college. She said he was too wild and needs to take his religion more seriously. He did and now they’re married.
Damn for real.
Yup. He was actually an asshole in college and she humbled him.
Was the mascara part of the deal as well?
I hate how accurate this is lol
Definitely has some high school rapper energy.
People blame this team for abandoning California, but have you seen housing prices there? I reckon the 1.9 billion they spent on Allegiant Stadium would barely get you a high school caliber stadium there these days!
You're supposed to be roasting the Raiders, not California!
chronic wildfires roast California enough.
Sorry - burn unit is full
How is the way that Marc Davis looks not in the top 10 most embarrassing things about the Raiders?
I mean *gestures at the raiders last 20 years*
You raise a valid point.
This thread is so dark, Jon Gruden wrote an email discriminating it
No this thread is soooooo queer Gruden doesn’t want it to be drafted…
I wonder what city they'll be playing in in 2032.
They'll move to Tatooine and become the Tusken Raiders
Gonna be hard to rush in single file.
How do you know? Has anyone even tried it yet
I think the Giants did...
UR uRR URR URr URRRRRrrrRrRRrR (We'll rush single file in your ass, don't fuck with the Tusken Raiders)
Or they could move to Tucson and achieve a similar effect without having to go about intergalactic travel.
Every 10 years the Davis family throws darts blindly at a map of the West Coast. That sacred ritual is what determines their location.
2030-Shoot! We’re moving to Reno.
2040 - Tabernac! We're packing our bags to Redding.
2050 - Oakland True love has a few breakups.
2050 - Los Angeles it is
Salt Lake City raiders
Now I'm imagining your typical Mormon 28-year-old father of four father dressing in Raiders gear...
Weak beer and a two drink maximum at LDS Stadium
Pillaging just for fun.
San Antonio or Austin once Jerry dies and can’t block another Texas team.
Downvoted because it assumes Jerry Jones is mortal.
That blood he bathes in keeps him at such a warm white color on TV though
Hopefully this roast isn't whistled dead.
Can’t stop a Raiders roast unless you can get the car door open
Too soon
Your move to Las Vegas was a big blow to the reputation....of Las Vegas Edit: Thanks shamelessly stolen Conan joke for getting me karma
Yeah, it's made it a much less classy place...and I say this as somebody who once saw someone piss their pants so they didn't have to abandon their slot machine.
Candle stick was the most ghetto structure in San Francisco. Somehow the city has gotten worse since they moved lol
Q. Where's the best place to watch the Raiders play in the Super Bowl? A. The History Channel. Let's see...John Madden is dead, and Jon Gruden got fired last year. So...anyone know how Frank Caliendo is doing lately?
It’s stabbin’ time?
Where do we watch yours
SciFi network
On Madden.
The Raiders are the best at questionable hires. First you bring back Gruden then you hire a Patriots coordinator. What could possibly go wrong?
A Pats coordinator who had, not one, but ***two*** of the most disastrous head coaching stints in recent memory (if you can even count the second one as a stint)
Third time is the charm, right? ^right?
Dissing the Colts before signing the contract isn't a stint, it's a stunt!
The raiders went from a stadium that smells like a toilet to a stadium that looks like a toilet.
Warning, this is a pretty dark joke >!They say history repeats itself, that's why I'm expecting the Raiders to crash and burn this year!<
https://media2.giphy.com/media/lEVZJzy4w15qE/giphy.gif?cid=790b76114ca3b1066c4bf864837af8c501235b30304af8a9&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g
This joke is quite the Ruggs pull
Everyone reading it had the Ruggs pulled out from under them
r/yourjokebutbetter
The Raiders aren't the only one who needs a burn clinic after that
Your team's play is so bad, even your team logo can't bear to watch it with both eyes open
More like Las Vegas Losers
Lol gottem
This one made me laugh the most.
Stop the count
You fucking boomed us.
He’s so good (x4)
I’m reporting this for harassment
Last time the raiders won a playoff game, Iraq was still under Saddam Hussein.
Jon Gruden was somehow only the second worst flaming wreck involving the Raiders last year.
Oh boy
It's always a trip to me that Derek Carr looks like he's either Jehovah's Witness who goes door to door trying to convert people or a meth dealer with literally no in between
No hate but Derek Carr looks like the type of guy you’d meet in a gas station in Bakersfield
Unrelated to the roast but one of my buddies actually lived 3 or 4 houses down from the Carrs in Bakersfield back in the day and found their dog running around in the neighborhood once then returned it. Is that super cool or noteworthy? Not particularly.
When his hair was longest he looked like Marv from home alone https://i.redd.it/28z9xn4shg181.jpg
The torch at Allegiant stadium is to remind everyone how Al Davis burned the franchise to the ground before he passed away.
You know you have little faith in your team’s performance when you have to rely on coin flips to determine your season’s outcome
Sir after the debacle of gruden and ruggs last year I'd have believed a magic 8 ball being read by a meth head.
Someone get Carr an 8ball
Hey to be fair it was mostly right and got us to the playoffs. So who's laughing now?
I didn’t know we were doing the Bills too
I think it’d be in everyone’s best interest if the city of Las Vegas put a DUI checkpoint right outside the player’s parking lot
I had a joke read for this, but I think I'll tuck it away for later.
…you son of a bitch…
A city that the Raiders haven’t played in for almost 30 years cares more about them than the city they currently play in.
Self burn?
Youre just upset they will never love the Chargers that way.
You live in the basement of the rams stadium 😂
In a city that cares little about either of them
We live on the pizza rolls from the basement freezer
Gruden really should have sought advice from Hillary about hiding incriminating emails
I actually haven't heard that before lmao
Most teams had a lot of noteworthy drives last year, but only the Raiders had theirs all off the field.
Al Davis would have never resigned Derek Carr because he has no edge.
This......is actually possibly true and I hate it
Just want to congratuale the Raiders on their new coach and GM as they begin their conversion into the Western Patriots.
The Southern Patriots worked out okay, so they decided to franchise
Say what you want about the Raiders but you can't argue with their draft philosophy: Speed Kills
[удалено]
> Drive sober or get pulled over Think it's safe to say Ruggs taught us that isn't necessarily true
He ended up over, over in a jumpsuit.
The Raider's pass defense is so bad, a blind man could beat them (just ask Fitz).
Elvis, Britney, Davante Adams… Vegas is where all the greats go, right after they’ve peaked.
Except the Bee Gees peaked more recently than the Raiders did.
The Raiders do most of their Roasting off the field
Derek Carr got a hole in one while golfing by himself earlier this off-season. Can we talk about how none of Carr’s teammates could make it to golf with their Quarterback?
Don't blame them, most people only want to listen to preaching on Sundays.
From Clifford Branch to Darrius Heyward-Bey the Raider's philosophy at wide receiver has always been that speed kills. But.....sometimes you can take a good thing too far....
Can't wait until like Week 7 when McDaniels quits on another team and goes back to Papa Bill
Your QB wears eyeliner, poverty franchise.
What do Nate Hobbs and Coach Gruden have in common? >!They both got in trouble for race issues last year!<
Top reasons for committing crimes in Vegas: - Debt from gambling - Wife leaves you - Being a touted rookie and finding out you’ve been drafted by the Raiders
The reason your logo is a man with a closed eye and and eye patch is because that way he doesn't have to watch your games.
The new ownership group for the Broncos includes the chairpeople of the boards of some of the largest, most successful companies on the planet, Doctor and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and one of the best drivers in formula 1 racing history (also a knight). The Raider’s owner cuts his own hair, and looks like he should be carrying [Krang](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/villains/images/7/71/KrangAndroidBodyRender.png/revision/latest?cb=20210307152932) around in his belly
Let’s not go touting our new ownership quiet yet… cause at least four of the six can be tied to some stuff worse then bad hair cuts. Pretty sure one of them would have helped Krang in his conquest for world domination
The Raiders were responsible for one of the most [haunting photos] (https://imgur.com/a/OuuFcgA) taken seconds before a tragedy last year.
It's a shame that game got canceled
I actually respect the Raiders for leaning into their history as the NFL's "bad boys" with the decision to play their games in [Darth Vader's helmet](https://www.reviewjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/13724559_web1_ALLEGIANT-STADIUM-MAY07-20_050720kc_012.jpg).
You know,i could be creative and roast the Raiders in a new and original way, but i think i'll be like Bill Callahan and use some Eagles fan's roastbook to dominate,because it's not i'll have to face said fan in the big one... right?
With the level of homelessness and partying in Las Vegas, Derek Carr has now seen more sacks than his brother did in Houston!
I don’t have much to pile on to the Raiders… The organization’s Dedication to Excrement speaks for itself
Raider fans are so rowdy when they were designing the stadium they didn't want to just include a jail but a whole courtroom
You have to host David Carr and act like the small talk is interesting for potentially 9 week a year.
The Las Vegas QB would have a FAQ: “Does Derek Carr wear eyeliner?” That’s just poetry.
Anyone got the over/under on number of Raiders players to be arrested for felonies this year?
It really makes all the sense in the world for a team in the desert to employ a snake as their head coach.