I’m a CNA at a cancer peds unit. The other day one of our patients got discharged to go home for end of life care. She is very very young and has cancer, this patient had been at the hospital since I started working here so you could say I felt pretty close to her. We gave her a beautiful farewell but the thought of never seeing her again and knowing she wasn’t gonna make it hit me. Once I started crying I could not stop. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that in a professional workplace and my coworker was there for me. Once I got home I got in the shower and just laid down on the tub. I cried for a while thinking about what kind of person she would’ve became and how smart and amazing she would’ve been. I prayed to God after to give this girl a chance to see how life can be beautifully painful and amazing. Because she deserves it. We all deserve a chance. I’ve felt more calm about it now but it still hurts to think about it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the last look or my screaming crying.
We had an AML stay on our unit for 9 months straight during the start of his journey. He was doing so well and we thought for sure he would do fine once he went for his bone marrow transplant.
He had a reaction during his stay for BMT. He immediately went downhill… fast. He passed away after a short but hard fight.
He was 16. It hit me harder than any kiddo we lost ever did, even the babies. I loved him like a family member, I cared for him so much and spent so many nights playing uno and other card games when he was with my unit. We spent Christmas night watching 12 hours straight of the office because he was the only patient on our unit. He would hide the elf for elf on the shelf for the other kids.
He was so full of life and it was cut so short. It’s been over a year and I still think of him often. I literally left Peds heme onc over it
Thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry about your loss and experience. I don’t think I’ll ever forget about her and I will always try my best to keep going for her. Life is unfair but having to work in heme onc is even worse because we are expected to act like death doesn’t affect us or the care we give. I know some of my coworkers act like they’re fine and to each their own, but I haven’t been the same since she left.
Hugs to you. Pediatric cancer is the biggest “fuck you” the universe has given human beings. My heart hurts for this girl and her family, and I have never even met her.
Big hugs from this internet stranger.
Thank you for your words 🤍 idk how much longer I’ll be able to work at this place. I applied to work in the same hospital but instead be in a different specialty that’s NOT cancer. Hopefully things will get better.
There is not a more horrible sound than hearing the wails from a newly broken heart. Parents crying for their child is the top.
OP I hold space for you. We ALL have that one that melts the ice from our hearts.
I’ve often had to make notifications. It guts me at times.
We failed rescue at a house fire, actually we arrived 4 mins after notification and rescue was not possible to even attempt. Fire extended to roof and collapse imminent.
Somehow command crossed wires and initial status was everyone out.
10 mins in, a police officer asks for medical. I get relieved on hose line. Go to a person with burns on hands, arm, face. He says, “my boy didn’t get out, I tried to get him, but I couldn’t the fire was so hot.” He was in despair, but not wailing.
I excuse myself, our supplement staff was with patient (dad) and tell our command that I can confirm we have an 8 yo boy in the initial fire structure. The fire was now in 3 houses. These were old row houses and literally went up like kindling. Confirm the police officer that made dispatch request attempted rescue of the kiddo. He had some minor burns. Another volunteer EMT was dressing his burns.
I won’t tell fire origin story as it will doxx me. But it made for a lot of deep feeling of anger within our department. Call it electrical gone wrong. Further was the kerosene heaters they used for heat. Just a clusterfuck of badness.
I take dad and police officer follows to get treated at the ED. At that point, we had not located the kiddo victim.
Another police officer goes to notify mom (she worked at a local factory) and ends up fetching her and brings her to the ED.
Command clears me tell mom the facts as they are. Yes, we understand that your son was in an upstairs bedroom and did not get out of the house. The fire was unsurvivable. No, we have not found him yet. But I promise we will.
*I rarely promise anyone anything. Exception was made*.
Mom proceeds to start wailing, grabbing me, ripped my tee mostly off. She got a good chunk of my hair. To be fair here, I was still in my fire clothes. I smelled like smoke.
The ED doc tells a nurse 10mg Valium IM to mom. She hadn’t registered as a patient, but no matter. It was that bad.
Yes, I had tears in my eyes. My heart broke a bit.
I’m back at fire scene about an hour later. I led recovery once the kiddo was found. Well, what we found. A little kid, face down, hands and feet incinerated. Just his skull, spine, tops of thighs and shoulders remained. Charred except for part of his face (think one eye, nose and mouth). When we went to secure him in the body bag, his organs dropped on my arm. It was gruesome.
We do overhaul. Hospital requests I return, parents insist.
So I go back. I try to wash up before. Still in turnout pants, another shirt. Fire coat has had kiddo organs on it, so it was headed for the wash. I’m sure I smelled.
They wanted me to tell them how he was found. Don’t judge me too harshly here, but I went with the broad strokes. I knew the funeral home wouldn’t let them see him. So I painted as comforting picture as I could without outright lying. Those wails of mom still come for me at times.
Thanks, I often think about how his family did. I knew for maybe 10 years they stayed together.
His two sisters had stayed overnight with grandparents so they wouldn’t chance missing Sunday school on mom’s weekend to work.
it was 29 years ago and I can still give precise details.
Just one of way too many that leave marks
In all honesty, it’s all a tough gig.
No truly easy days bearing witness to suffering.
We need to remember that no one gets through this unchanged. Show grace and watch out for others in the tribe that need support.
Thanks for those words. It’s the tough stuff, but that’s the job.
I’ve prolly got 100+ calls or patients that stayed with me for a bit. Some still do.
Kind, compassionate care always wins.
I am fucking BAWLING. I have an 8 year old and a 10 year old. Your story was like a punch to the guts.
I don’t have the right words to express my feelings. Thank you for finding his remains. Thank you for sparing the parents the details. Thank you for caring for the parents as much as you could in that situation.
My heart is broken for those parents and for that little boy. I am going to hug my kids a bit tighter tonight, and review our emergency evacuation plans with them.
Thanks for those words.
It was horrific. To be clear, my crew found him. But since cause was potentially criminal, the collective decision was made I’d be best to take recovery lead in the event of legal proceedings. I was ranking medical officer. A gut punch. And a horrible tragic outcome.
Once dad tells me the kiddo was in there—honestly, everything seemed to go full slow-motion on me getting 50’ back to my command officers. I’m sure it was seconds, felt like it took forever
I believe in transparency and honesty, however, I believe in compassion when certain brutal truths would not serve anyone or add any understanding. I’m certain that he quickly succumbed to smoke inhalation and didn’t suffer.
Want to be clear—this kiddos parents were not in any way responsible for the fire.
Folks check your smoke detectors—house had them sans batteries. So many detectors are found sans batteries or outright have no detectors.
Every floor. Outside every bedroom. Inside every bedroom. In your garage, your basement, in your attic and near mechanical areas (breaker boxes, water heaters, furnaces or boilers). Also, near your laundry. Dryer fires are real—so detector here matters.
Clean out those dryer vents. I run a shopvac down the hose in laundry room and up through the vents a couple times a year. Get pros to clean vents and filters. Your needs vary—I rarely use my dryer in summer. Use a lot, clean more often.
Have a family fire drill. Kiddos and everyone needs to have multiple ways to get out—and once out what to do. Meet at mailbox or neighbors or across street—once out you stay out.
The toss out emergency ladders work & go into a small cabinet and mount under windows. Even small kids can use or toss out for someone to get to them. Don’t count on going out interior doors. Can’t get out through door. Close that bedroom door and open window to alert rescue you are there. I tell families that a simple coaches whistle can alert rescue—these are cheap. Pop a Glow sticks (the chemical kind) and put in window. Throw a sheet or blanket in window.
Would detectors have mattered here? Who knows, I think—maybe—as fire originated on lower floor, 10’ away from this kiddos bedroom. But fire moves hot and scary fast—that one was exceptionally fast.
Be safe all.
Thank you for all of the tips. My husband has severe anxiety, and for all the shitty things anxiety causes, it does cause him to be very prepared and safety conscious. We moved into this house in 2022, and the first things he did were:
- schedule a vent cleaning
- replace the smoke detectors that were already in the house with Nest Protect alarms
- put a fire extinguisher on each floor
- teach the kids how to get out of their windows in their rooms in an emergency (we live in a split level with a walk out basement, the kids are both in the basement)
I hate that he has anxiety and that it can, at times, have such a crippling effect on him. I love that he is so good about preparing for emergencies. (I will say his anxiety is actually very well controlled now and he is much happier for it).
I admire first line medical personnel (fire/paramedics) so, SO much. As much as I love emergency, I would never be able to do what you do, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for being one of those who take on those responsibilities.
Anxiety can be used for good.
I’m glad your hubs has it sorted—anxiety can be crippling.
Your hubs sounds amazing. Preparing for an emergency and keeping those you cherish safe—that’s demonstrative love imo.
I will maintain that firefighter/paramedic is one of the best jobs ever. Being able to do everything possible to effect the outcome—on the worst day of someone’s life is a *responsibility* and a *privilege*.
Hug hubs too and thank him for being him. Don’t explain further, but bask in fortunate feels of being well-prepared. Most folks aren’t well prepared.
This was difficult to read. And I imagine a billion times worse for you to have experienced and then recall now. I’ve read a few stories from this post that are all heartbreaking, but this…I don’t know why this one got me.
I’m so sorry. Truly, from a stranger on the internet.
Kind words are everything. Thank you.
I think stories of how ordinary, yet precious life really is and how vulnerable all of us are do serve as testament to remind all tomorrow is not promised, it’s a gift—and to cherish those you love.
Agreed, I work hospice and occasionally covered pediatric hospice too and legit needed therapy to process how distressing it was to see parents despairing
Just had a code last night and having a mom say "Please, I just want you to stop now" after watching rounds and rounds of compressions on their 2 pound baby... And the sobs afterward. Haunts my nightmares.
It’s the same anytime I’ve heard someone be delivered the news. And I remember letting out a similar wail when I got the news of my own mother. Horrifying.
My late husband's ER doctor was surprised that I *didn't* let out the wail, and so was I. All I could think about was that he'd had a hemorrhagic stroke, was hemiplegic, and he'd have hated his life (as someone who was really about being physically fit). So I was relieved that he didn't have to go through that, even though I'd have gone through it with him.
My late grandma died of a hemorrhagic stroke and while we were all very sad, as an ER nurse I was 1) incredibly grateful my family was on the same page and opted to withdraw care vs torment her and 2) realized her death was likely more peaceful and painless than many I’ve seen. There are fates worse than death and being a trach/PEG in a nursing home is up there.
I’m so sorry about your husband❤️
When I was told of my mother's death, I just felt like my body and mind entered a black hole in space and I couldn't move think or say anything. I only lost it once my sisters arrived, unaware of the fact she was gone.
Me too. I was working night shift. I had a beer in my hot-tub and went to bed. My WHOLE ASS FAMILY came to my house at 1030 am to tell me. All I could think was “shut that bitch up I cannot think!”
That bitch was me. Screaming. She was 41 and had completed suicide in 2001. That cow!
During clinical I was with a family as the patient received news of stage 4 ovarian cancer. The daughter, who was my mother’s age, threw her arms around me and bawled. I had to go cry in our touchdown room once I was done in that room.
Couple years ago I had a walk-in blood pressure check. The guys 10? 13? (Sadly both ages happened in our area within a few years) year old son had committed suicide. He ended up telling me the whole story, and all I could do was hold him while he cried.
A few weeks ago, one of my colleagues’s father died unexpectedly (60 years old) and she got the call at work. I heard her from my closed office door down the hall. It was unearthly and I don’t think I’ll ever unhear it.
They’ll always stick with me, along with some others, and I’m sure more will come.
Walmart pharm overdosed my neighbor's son's medication, not sure enough to say what med though. But I'll always think that when sending meds to Walmart..
My cousin drown in a lake when he was 22 along with 2 other guys. It was horrible. The saddest thing I’ve ever seen is his aging grandmother following the casket, we were right behind her and when she saw them put his casket into the back of the hearse she screamed the most aching, guttural cry I’ve ever heard. She fell to her knees, we all rushed to help her and try hold her up. I’ll never forget it.
It’s always been the worst but especially now that I’m a parent. It’s unnatural to outlive your child. It gets easier to navigate with time but it’s never easier to hear.
That’s my least favorite thing about the job. I have chills just thinking about it. I work ICU and every time I hear a families gut wrenching scream I just can’t handle it.
Thank you!! It really did. I've never seen a patient die so young. Every time I have been in a code with a young patient, we have gotten them back, and they didn't even realize that they had died for a little while. This was the first time I have had a patient under 40 pass. Just hit me really hard.
I coded a teenager a couple years ago. It was a Friday and the family had everyone over for pizza just because. The patient collapsed and it was unwitnessed. They started CPR immediately.
When we were about 45 minutes into our resuscitation efforts, we brought the family in so they could see that we were trying. (Studies show that it helps them accept what has happened more easily if they see some of the code). I was doing compressions when they came in and it took everything in me to keep my rhythm while listening to the parents plead with the patient to come back.
The patient didn’t make it. I’ll never forget the wails of that mother and father. Parents crying for their kids are the ABSOLUTE worst thing to listen to.
Children crying for their parents is pretty up there too. The honor walk in the ICU for a younger man who had children who were pretty young but old enough to understand what was happening...their cries at the end of the honor walk will never leave me 💔
Every once in a while those cases will hit you. We had two young teenagers transported to our ER after hitting a tree. I remember blood and brain matter coming out of one’s ears with each chest compression that I performed. Both those young kids passed away and quite a few nurses cried after, mostly the ones with children their age.
Please don’t be hard on yourself, I have cried with patients families and it actually opened them up to do the same when they were in shock. As long as it’s about them and not you, meaning you are caring for them in whatever way you can it’s totally ok.
As to shocking patients, I recall my first time doing it with the actual paddles and it scared the crap out of me, the second time the person was awake but going out in complete VTACH he screamed, it’s painful. I was right near him and jumped. Third time it was a young woman who kept going out and coming to after shocking her. She said did I die, the doctor said no to not make matters worse. Two of these three people survived. It’s not easy and as much as you get used to it there are some cases that just get to you.
As an oncology nurse one of us cries in the bathroom regularly. When we become calloused to death and the pain our patients suffer it’s time to do something else.
Well said. This happened to me during Covid and realizing how disconnected I had become from suffering and death was the catalyst I needed to go back to school and find a different path in nursing. Stay strong and don’t lose your humanity❤️
yes I think that's what did it in for me. COVID really desensitized me to the reality of death. After witnessing 10-20 patient's die per day, I just kind of lost my humanity a bit. I think this is a good sign that it has come back, and I am hopeful for that.
My first code was a 21 year old with dad at the bedside. It was an ugly one that lasted almost an hour. As soon as they called it, I excused myself to the bathroom and absolutely lost my shit. I'll be forever grateful to the nurse who followed, and hugged and supported me until I could clean up and head back out. Then the mom came up. That soul crushing wail of a parent that just lost their child will echo in my mind until the day I die. Before the parents left, the mom gave me a big hug and thanked me for caring for her child. So, of course, I immediately lost my shit again, lol. I've had many, many codes since, but that's one that I'll never forget. It's absolutely OK to cry after losing a patient. It keeps us compassionate and serves as a reminder that we're still human despite the crap we see and deal with every day. I am proud of you for continuing to show up for these patients. Make sure to talk it out and take time for self care. Airplane rules apply to the hospital, too; you need to take care of yourself before you can help others. ❤️
I said this in my initial reply to OP, but those of us who are in critical care and code people on a regular basis - we all have THAT ONE (or two) code that just sticks with us forever.
This thread is actually really nice, despite the topic. All of us have been through similar experiences, and it's helpful to know so many others understand the feeling. Everyone here has been really good about listening/sharing stories, and supporting each other. It makes me even more proud to be a nurse.
I’m not a nurse, but I worked on the ER code team for a Level 1 peds trauma center. The sounds a parent makes when you call TOD on their child is one of the worst things you can hear. It is the sound of pure pain, and honestly, you don’t forget it, but it does get better with time.
Crying means that the pain of the family touched you, it’s a healthy way to process, and it’s okay to do. We have the unique honor of being there during the worst day of someone’s life, and sometimes that connection hits hard.
The young ones are super hard, It’s hard not to cry pretty much every time a parent is present for a code, whether it’s a child child or an adult child. A parent should never have to bury their children. I also cry if the patient has young children. We coded a 40 year-old that had no medical problems, he got (alpha) COVID and died after only a few days of being ill. His kids were like 8 & 5 in the waiting room with their mom. Ughhh. 😭
The younger ones are super hard. I said in my original comment that those of us in critical care (where we code people on a regular basis) all have THAT ONE (or maybe two) code that just sticks with us more than the others.
My THAT code was also a young person. What haunted me (and does to this day, 13 years later) was that this young man (he was 19) didn’t have anyone with him. Even though fire was doing CPR as they loaded him in the ambulance and left the home. We coded that kid for over an hour. We deviated from ACLS algorithms and shocked him while he was in a non-shockable rhythm just to try something, *anything* that might get him back. Through all of that, until the doc called it, his family still hadn’t arrived.
After it was called, we cleaned up the trauma bay. We cleaned him up as best we could (it was a traumatic intubation that was done prior to his arrival, and there was *a lot* of blood), made him as presentable as we could… and still no one arrived.
By the I was moved off of the code team and to my next assignment (we only stay on the code team assignment for 4 hours at a time), the family still had not arrived. Before I left the code room I kept looking at this young man, trying to make him as clean and presentable as possible, trying to hide the evidence of they physical trauma that the code process put his body through.
I cannot imagine a scenario in which my family member is takes out of my home with CPR *in progress* and I am not at the hospital minutes after the ambulance.
I'm a retired army veteran I've been everywhere including combat. I worked ems for a couple of years. People always took things hard especially when it came to kids (drownings). I've never cried for any pt, until my son was born.
One particular morning i came to work early and the doors were closed to the entire hallway. My ER didnt do that unless someone was coding. So i go on epic just to see what was going on. The pt was a 5mo girl who her mother was feeding her and accidentally fell asleep and suffocated the baby. When i saw that, it hit me so hard that i had to go into an unused room and cry. My son was only a 3 mo at the time. Another thing that i accidentally saw was when i was passing the consultation room to stock my rooms. The door happened to be opened as i was passing by, and i watched the mom hold her little girl for the last time.
Everyone is different. It makes sense that after that you would cry. I now would too if a pt reminded me of family. A lot of nurses get jaded after working so long to the point that their quality of care goes down. From the way you told your story, it seems like you still want to make a difference in people's lives, and you do because you actually care for your pts.
I was still a registrar while witnessing my first code. 19 year old shot in the head with brain matter exposed. Homicide.
Mom arrived a few minutes after her son’s “friends” had pushed him out of the car in our triage bay.
It’s been 14 years. I’ll never forget her wail for as long as I live. I cried in the bathroom for a half hour afterward.
An ambulance bay at a hospital I would drop off my patients (former eMT) ended up being the unofficial designated ‘homie drop off’ High crime area. Ppl got dropped off constantly. Literally pushed out of cars and the cars fleeing. This basically made it easier for the cars to drop off and leave, and created a space in front of the ER where staff can quickly and easily get to them.
Oh yes. I’ve cried with families. When they make that guttural sound it’s like I have no choice but to sympathy cry. I’ve been part of a lot of codes, shocking people still conscious but rapidly declining. A few years ago we had a building burn down and one kid we coded who passed and another we had to tube due to facial and airway swelling. That was a rough day. That little boy looked perfect except for soot on his face. I can still see him.
The kids are always the worst.
Mine was a car accident. Three kids under 4, no carseats, parents were of course wearing seatbelts and only had minor injuries. All 3 kids died. This was in the 90s but I can still see their little faces.
The fact you can cry is how you know you’re still human.
No one forgets the sounds of a mother screaming for their dead child.
Please cry. When you don’t cry is when you need help.
10 years into being a nurse, working in SNF and ED and having seen plenty of death, was the first time I really reacted to one. I mean, I'd be a little sad, or shed a few tears with families (one of my instructors in nursing school said "It's ok to cry with families, as long as you're not crying more than the family"), but most of them didn't really shake me.
That day, I had two patients die within an hour, both on the younger side (I mean, geriatric, but 60s or early 70s), both alert and oriented. The first one was expected. It was frustrating because I'm pretty sure it was fixable, but she was adamant about comfort care. The second... I can't say it was totally unexpected, but she had not been actively dying. We'd had a normal conversation when I'd brought her meds earlier that shift. And this was about 6 months after covid swept through, so I already had a lot of built-up feelings from that.
Went and had a brief panic attack in the DON's office before getting back to it.
OP this is the *tough stuff*.
It’s okay to cry, I think everyone has shed tears. I think when the patient is close in age to our loved ones or even ourselves—those cases can beat you up fairly bad.
I reccs that everyone caring for others makes their wellness a priority. Counseling from a therapist you jive with that understands our job demands and works through trauma focused care is everything. Having a safe and confidential place to hash it out will save lives (yours and others) and your career.
I’ve been in counseling most of my career. I’ve seen some horrible things—I’m fortunate in having help to process them.
PTSD is a very real thing.
Those death screams can haunt you.
Make sure you do some self care. Talking about it helps. Don't try to keep those emotions bottled up inside you.
Sometimes a patient just gets to you.
I ugly cried the shift I took care of a 16yo self inflicted GSW that turned into an OPO case.
I had taken care of plenty of GSW patients and I had taken care of teenagers that passed before but something about that patient just hit me differently.
We do organ donations as well but I have never heard that acronym. Even google didn’t help me! Thank you for answering, now I learned something new today
I’ve had codes that have brought me to my knees when they were over. I’ve cried during them too. It’s okay, and it’s nice to know you’re human. Trust me when I say that your emotional investment in your patients is felt AND appreciated by their family.
watching the raw grief of family members in real time brings emotions to a new level. especially a parent losing a child. no sound is worse and it's impossible to forget. hold space for yourself- this means you're human and a good nurse.
More often than not I can hold back my tears. They’ll sting at my eyes but it’s not often I let them have/can’t hold them back. I’m also one of those people where if I start crying it’ll hit me hard and it takes a lot to be able to stop (plus I get super puffy eyed). During covid is when I really cried at work (partially because of what was going on just with covid and all the deaths, but I had also found out in the fall of 2020 that my now-ex was cheating on me; the combination of the two things had me crying more than I ever had since becoming a nurse). Most recently I had a patient who wasn’t responding to cancer treatment, was having malignant pleural effusions, respiratory status was awful, and was waiting for a thoracentesis with pleur-x catheter placement with plans to go home on hospice once that was done. It was a Monday I took over their care and the patient just looked so tired, wanted to go home, and just wanted to stop feeling how they were; son was at the bedside. After my initial assessment and interaction I walked out of the room and just kept saying to my friend after a long slow letting out of my breath, “I will not cry today, I will not cry today,” and was fanning at my eyes/face. She started walking towards me with her arms open to hug me and I had to be like, “✋🏻 you do that and I WILL cry. However, if I walk off the unit to the stairs, you know why”; where the patient assignment was was right by a staircase (oddly enough, where I had previously, back during covid, had a patient who wasn’t doing well and our case manager had called the wife (who was at a rehab facility at the time) on the phone and had it on speaker so she could speak to him and you could hear her saying, “you need to make it through this for me,” and just the pleading tone in her voice got to me and I had to step away to the stairs).
I will never forget the first time I heard that scream. It still affects me. You're human and you haven't lost your ability to feel after 5 years of this. That's a good thing, hard as it is.
For sure. If you write a person you know over the patient it makes it very very personal. I cried every time I picked up a kid EMS) who was one of my kids ages.
My husband is a prosecutor and works SVU cases. He once asked me to “play the juror” on one of this cases and when he showed me the pictures all I could say was how can you not see our kid in this?! He immediately took the pictures and shut his laptop. “Don’t tell me that. I’ll never get through this is I see our kids in these victims”
Some of us are better at compartmentalizing than others and sometimes those doors crack open and we canot keep the contents in the dark corners we’ve sent them.
I’m so sorry this happened.
It’s ok to feel our humanity from time to time.
I worked inpatient hospice for several years and pronounced more deaths than I care to count. Never shed a tear (at work anyway) until a 2 year old passed away there. Somehow, all the emotions and grief I had felt all those years hit me full blast. IDK if it was because the child was the same age as my own but it got me. Her family was there and the older brother (not more than 7 years old ) came running down the hall crying that she was gone. The memory of her mom carrying this little girl out and placing her in the funeral home van was burned into my brain and I still cry when I think about it. Something so unnatural about burying a toddler. I went down a deep hole of depression after that and ended up taking some time off work. I was able to go back to hospice but have never been the same.
I had a patient post-crani who had a brain mass nobody could figure out, but it wasn’t cancer so we all thought he’d be fine. He was 29 and his wife was 10 months pregnant with their first child. One day he had a massive brain bleed out of nowhere and was declared brain dead after another emergency crani. He was put on life support and the wife left to be induced, had their baby, brought the baby back to her husband so that he was able to “hold” their child, and pulled the plug. It gutted me and I still stalk the wife on Facebook sometimes to torture myself.
Worst I've heard is a mother screaming when her 4 day old died. She had fallen asleep while breastfeeding and the baby choked. Cpr at the hospital was more for show, the doctor asked where the parents were and said to continue for 15 min after their arrival and then to call the time of death. The heart wrenching scream that poor lady let out was painful to hear.
>When I saw them shock the patient, I actually jumped because it looked so damn cruel! I
I'm Cruella Deville because I won't hesitate to put on 2 sets of pads and hit a big boy with 720 because here's the thing: they're dead. If you DON'T do that cruel thing, they'll stay dead. You can not hurt them and completely take away any hope of them ever living, or you can hurt them a lil and give some hope we'll get a rhythm back. Unfortunately it is a reality that we'll have to things that seem cruel, but you have to remember that cruel things are done with bad intentions - that's not what we're doing.
I had one recently that affected me a lot. They didn’t have a good life, whether a victim of circumstance or their own choices (probably both). The code was unsuccessful, and it was ugly. My last round of compressions felt like pushups on a water bed. I remember seeing them in the bed afterwards, tubes everywhere, and thinking how *small* and helpless they looked. There wasn’t a single phone number on file for us to call. All their worldly belongings fit in one little belongings bag. And it just felt like this heavy sadness in my chest. I talked to them while we got them ready for the ME. I don’t really believe in that stuff, but it felt like if their soul or whatever form of consciousness was still around, maybe there would be some comfort in knowing that somebody acknowledged them & somebody would remember.
I cried about it more than a couple times and I thought about it pretty much daily for a little while. If you have coworkers you can lean on, it really helps. Or a good therapist. I know that I personally feel like I can’t really talk about this stuff to people outside of healthcare because I’m afraid of traumatizing them. But the processing has to happen somehow.
I work in peds. I had a code once where the mother of the child was in the room 😐 she jumped onto the bed and was screaming and crying SAVE MY BABY SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE MY BABY. And we did; he was ok. But the drama of that moment. The raw human emotion. I locked myself in the staff bathroom and cried for a a good 5-10 minutes.
We all have ones that stick with us.
Mine was the otherwise healthy 22 year old that went down at the gym. Bystander effect caused nobody to render first aid/CPR until EMS got there 15-20 minutes after he was down. Down for a total of 45 minutes before he came in, with another 30 minutes of downtime in the ER.
When we finally called it, I kept hearing music. Something with bass and drums. We did post-mortem care and I kept hearing it, it was driving me crazy. Hunted down the sound to the airpods in his gym bag that came in with him. It was hooked up to his gym playlist, and played the whole time he was down. I found his phone to pause the music, and there was a text from someone with a heart emoji that said “if you’re not feeling good you should head home.”
BIG YIKES. HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.
It’s heartbreaking to read all of your stories! Lots of love to you all!
I guess you never know who are the ones that get you. Sometimes I can make out what got to me, sometimes I don’t. I guess you can never numb yourself to the point of not feeling at all, and you shouldn’t.
My husband has been a paramedic for 15 years. Every single Angel Run (sick newborns with a special ambulance for their peds gear) he calls to talk to one of our grandchildren. Every single time. It doesn't matter how long you have been on the job, you're a damn human being with feelings. And by the way, *a woman's tears are not a weakness, they are her strength. Through water we cleanse and heal, and survive *
Unfortunately, yes, I have an experience to share. I was pulled from the Pediatric E.R. to Pediatric ICU and not given a report on the Toddler I was caring for during that night shift. "Just play with him and give him his meds, and we'll take care of the report in the morning", the Clinical Supervisor said to me. So, I did just that and played with him. The staff referred to him as "Flipper" because of a congenital birth defect of his arms and feet. I vowed I would not call him that and further, I would devote my time with him as meaningful as I could in response to them calling him "Flipper". It was just as well because the child would not go to sleep throughout the night. When he did fall asleep I would have to wake him often for medications and that would start another round of play which I thoroughly enjoyed. Finally, near the end of the 12 hour shift the child went to sleep and as the next shift began I listened to the report given on my patient. "The child is DNR and no further......." all I heard was DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) I would be tearful later but at present I was in a state of shock. At that time I had been practicing for 20 plus years and never heard of a DNR designation for any Ped. That same day the child went into Cardiac Arrest and died. I returned to the Hospital one more time before permanently leaving to ask the Clinical Supervisor, "You just let the child die?". The Hospital, the Doctors and the Family all agreed to this. I was the only one who didn't. Since my advocacy would be in vain, I left that facility and now entering my 50th year of Nursing I never returned to that facility but often shed my tears quietly for the one who was known as "Flipper".
PEG-BSN
I'll never forget the code of a young adult, very sick patient who had been admitted for a long time, and had been every nurse's patient at least once. The sound her mom made when she was told her daughter didn't make it 😞 Even the cynical, battle hardened and burnt out nurse's and CNAs immediately began to sob. I'm crying now just thinking about it. It was over a decade ago, but the whole entire scene is so clear in my memory.
I haven't cried during a code but a patient who was coded and died, her husband had stepped out to get something to eat and she coded while he was gone. His screams when he came back still haunt me.
I worked hospice for years. There are many that stick with me. Watching children and parents mourn their loved ones together gets me every time.
Some feel worse than others. Some, I feel guilty for not feeling much at all. When that started to become the norm, I knew it was time to switch it up for a bit.
Now I'm doing paeds and I love it. Haven't had a full code yet, but I knownthe day will come soon enough.
I don't have any advice or anything more than a few anecdotes to give. I just wanted to acknowledge what you're going through can feel confusing at times, but it's real and not something to feel bad about. You're human, and it showed.
We don’t get to decide what sticks with us, unfortunately. Honor your feelings and know that you aren’t alone. There are patients that visit me in my dreams all the time.
It’s ok to feel sad. I’ve been to loads of trauma and codes and some of them get to me , some don’t. It’s a stressful situation and you’re allowed to have feelings about it and it’s difficult to predict what will get to you. Sometimes I think it’s all good and I’ll miss a light on the way home and just bawl in my car about it. You never know how it’s hits you, I just hope I’m somewhere private when it does. Just don’t make a tiktok about it 😜
Losing a PT in a traumatic scenario is never normal. It’s ok to have a human reaction to it, it just means you are still compassionate. It’s only a problem if the family is consoling YOU. Eventually you’ll develop a tolerance, but not indifference. When you are indifferent then it’s time to look inward. Always consider therapy for these things because they ARE a traumatic event and can leave PTSD.
I recently coded a patient that was a full code but absolutely should not have been. I was the one who initiated CPR, so I cracked the ribs/sternum. While I didn’t cry during this code, this code stuck with me more than all of my other codes except for one. The one that was worse was “THAT code” for me.
I think all of us who work in critical care and code people on a regular basis have one or two “THAT code”(s). The code that just *gets* to you on an emotional level. The one that makes you cry, or makes you sick to your stomach, or just hurts on a visceral, emotional and spiritual level. The one that you close your eyes afterwards and you just see the patient. “THAT code” for me happened in 2011, and I can still remember everything in perfect detail if I am thinking about it.
My advice? Play Tetris ( https://www.psych.ox.ac.uk/news/tetris-used-to-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms ) (I am on my phone so I hope the link is clicky), take a day off if you need it (I took 3 days off after THAT code in 2011. I was straight up with my managers about *why* I was taking those days off, too). Talk to your therapist if you have one. If you don’t have a therapist, calling the “Employee Support Team” or whatever your employer calls it (assuming you have one - most employers provide this service) which will connect you with short term mental health support that is covered through your employer health benefits.
You will get through this, and you will come out the other side. Nursing is a job that is difficult for so many reasons; it is difficult physically, emotionally, spiritually, and ethically. People who aren’t in healthcare have no idea.
Hugs to you from this internet stranger.
It's...an acquired skill, I suppose. It's not a skill anyone wants to acquire, but you do, because someone has to. I see my job sometimes as a "grief eater," bearing witness to the pain and grief, absorbing some of it because it's too much for anyone to bear alone. I won't say I don't have secondary trauma from it, because I absolutely do. But you get better at managing it.
(And there are jobs as a nurse where you don't have to deal with nearly as much of the really hard stuff, so that's always an option.)
When I was still in nursing school a patient on hospice had passed with his wife in the room, and I was totally calm in the moment. The nurse asked me to bring the mother to her daughter who was in a room down the hall and the second I opened the door and heard her screams it was like I felt them throughout my entire body. Once she was with the other hospice nurse I went straight to the bathroom to gather myself and reset before going to bag the body. Some moments never leave you.
I think for some of us we sometimes associate crying on the job as unprofessional because we are supposed to be in "nurse mode" all the time.
One situation I remember vividly, I'd spent all morning with this patient, she was waiting for a CABG. I walked in to the room at 8 am and she told me she just "didn't feel right," it went downhill from there. No family there that morning, she grabbed my hand and told me she was scared. I held her hand and tried to reassure her that once we got her to cath lab she'd feel better. We got her to the lab and twenty minutes later the fellow who was with me in the room that morning called to tell me she died on the table. He thanked me for everything I'd done for her that morning. I couldn't keep it in, started sobbing at the computer in the nurses station in front of everyone.
You're human, it happens, and it's okay.
I’ve been a LTC nurse for almost 14 years. You are human. Take the time to experience those feelings, even if it’s later when you’re at home. Know there is absolutely no shame in being emotional. Trust me, the moment you stop feeling is when you should be handing in your resignation.
When one of my favorite patients coded I started crying while giving compressions. The RT told me to stop and take a break. She had a massive stroke and there was no saving her. It is tough.
Those cries from family members never get easier to hear. It’s ok to cry, it shows you are human and most importantly still care which so many in our profession lose. Take your minute to collect yourself ( I hope you have a team that has your back) but most importantly remember to take care of yourself after work.
Was a very new nurse. Kid my age was victim of a car jacking gone wrong. Shot through back of head an inch away from brain stem. Largest craniotomy done at my hospital to date. Horrible.
Totally normal... I did hospice nursing and law enforcement before that. I have seen a lot of people die, and grew accustomed to dealing with it in the moment, focusing on care, first aid, crisis management, etc...
However, the deaths didn't faze me as much as family members who show up to a crash scene or hospital room... You can see the grief and pain in their face, hear it in their voice, and suddenly it's much more impossible to disconnect and just be professional.
I think it's natural; we can disassociate and think of it as just a body. Just a corpse (in the case of some verybbad crashes I had responded to) - but when family show up and break down, suddenly it's a person... A brother or sister, a spouse or friend to someone else. If you don't choke up at that... You are no longer human. I didn't tend to cry until family would touch my shoulder or something and thank me for trying... It's a complex feeling, like you are seen for trying and there is gratitude, but that feeling takes over that you somehow let them down... Even if that isn't true, it's a hard feeling and powerful grief.
But honestly, I think there is zero shame in crying after a traumatic incident like that, I always supported my team after something heavy.
I'd pat your back, but can't online - keep up the good work, it's rough but you sound like the kind of person I would want at my bedside when in rough shape. 🍻
Be well, and remember it's totally okay to take a break after things like that, and even grieve for strangers in bad situations, got to remember self care. You are awesome ☕️
I’m a CNA at a cancer peds unit. The other day one of our patients got discharged to go home for end of life care. She is very very young and has cancer, this patient had been at the hospital since I started working here so you could say I felt pretty close to her. We gave her a beautiful farewell but the thought of never seeing her again and knowing she wasn’t gonna make it hit me. Once I started crying I could not stop. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that in a professional workplace and my coworker was there for me. Once I got home I got in the shower and just laid down on the tub. I cried for a while thinking about what kind of person she would’ve became and how smart and amazing she would’ve been. I prayed to God after to give this girl a chance to see how life can be beautifully painful and amazing. Because she deserves it. We all deserve a chance. I’ve felt more calm about it now but it still hurts to think about it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the last look or my screaming crying.
I'm giving you a hug from the internet!
Me too.
Thank you 🤍
We had an AML stay on our unit for 9 months straight during the start of his journey. He was doing so well and we thought for sure he would do fine once he went for his bone marrow transplant. He had a reaction during his stay for BMT. He immediately went downhill… fast. He passed away after a short but hard fight. He was 16. It hit me harder than any kiddo we lost ever did, even the babies. I loved him like a family member, I cared for him so much and spent so many nights playing uno and other card games when he was with my unit. We spent Christmas night watching 12 hours straight of the office because he was the only patient on our unit. He would hide the elf for elf on the shelf for the other kids. He was so full of life and it was cut so short. It’s been over a year and I still think of him often. I literally left Peds heme onc over it
Thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry about your loss and experience. I don’t think I’ll ever forget about her and I will always try my best to keep going for her. Life is unfair but having to work in heme onc is even worse because we are expected to act like death doesn’t affect us or the care we give. I know some of my coworkers act like they’re fine and to each their own, but I haven’t been the same since she left.
Sending you a big hug ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you 🤍
Hugs to you. Pediatric cancer is the biggest “fuck you” the universe has given human beings. My heart hurts for this girl and her family, and I have never even met her. Big hugs from this internet stranger.
Thank you for your words 🤍 idk how much longer I’ll be able to work at this place. I applied to work in the same hospital but instead be in a different specialty that’s NOT cancer. Hopefully things will get better.
Hugs. All the hugs
Thank you 🤍
There is not a more horrible sound than hearing the wails from a newly broken heart. Parents crying for their child is the top. OP I hold space for you. We ALL have that one that melts the ice from our hearts.
I’ve often had to make notifications. It guts me at times. We failed rescue at a house fire, actually we arrived 4 mins after notification and rescue was not possible to even attempt. Fire extended to roof and collapse imminent. Somehow command crossed wires and initial status was everyone out. 10 mins in, a police officer asks for medical. I get relieved on hose line. Go to a person with burns on hands, arm, face. He says, “my boy didn’t get out, I tried to get him, but I couldn’t the fire was so hot.” He was in despair, but not wailing. I excuse myself, our supplement staff was with patient (dad) and tell our command that I can confirm we have an 8 yo boy in the initial fire structure. The fire was now in 3 houses. These were old row houses and literally went up like kindling. Confirm the police officer that made dispatch request attempted rescue of the kiddo. He had some minor burns. Another volunteer EMT was dressing his burns. I won’t tell fire origin story as it will doxx me. But it made for a lot of deep feeling of anger within our department. Call it electrical gone wrong. Further was the kerosene heaters they used for heat. Just a clusterfuck of badness. I take dad and police officer follows to get treated at the ED. At that point, we had not located the kiddo victim. Another police officer goes to notify mom (she worked at a local factory) and ends up fetching her and brings her to the ED. Command clears me tell mom the facts as they are. Yes, we understand that your son was in an upstairs bedroom and did not get out of the house. The fire was unsurvivable. No, we have not found him yet. But I promise we will. *I rarely promise anyone anything. Exception was made*. Mom proceeds to start wailing, grabbing me, ripped my tee mostly off. She got a good chunk of my hair. To be fair here, I was still in my fire clothes. I smelled like smoke. The ED doc tells a nurse 10mg Valium IM to mom. She hadn’t registered as a patient, but no matter. It was that bad. Yes, I had tears in my eyes. My heart broke a bit. I’m back at fire scene about an hour later. I led recovery once the kiddo was found. Well, what we found. A little kid, face down, hands and feet incinerated. Just his skull, spine, tops of thighs and shoulders remained. Charred except for part of his face (think one eye, nose and mouth). When we went to secure him in the body bag, his organs dropped on my arm. It was gruesome. We do overhaul. Hospital requests I return, parents insist. So I go back. I try to wash up before. Still in turnout pants, another shirt. Fire coat has had kiddo organs on it, so it was headed for the wash. I’m sure I smelled. They wanted me to tell them how he was found. Don’t judge me too harshly here, but I went with the broad strokes. I knew the funeral home wouldn’t let them see him. So I painted as comforting picture as I could without outright lying. Those wails of mom still come for me at times.
This one choked me up. I’m so sorry.
Thanks, I often think about how his family did. I knew for maybe 10 years they stayed together. His two sisters had stayed overnight with grandparents so they wouldn’t chance missing Sunday school on mom’s weekend to work. it was 29 years ago and I can still give precise details. Just one of way too many that leave marks
Fuck, I'm so sorry. The ER is rough, but the stuff you first responders see is a different level.
In all honesty, it’s all a tough gig. No truly easy days bearing witness to suffering. We need to remember that no one gets through this unchanged. Show grace and watch out for others in the tribe that need support.
I am so sorry you and everyone involved had to experience that
Thanks for those words. It’s the tough stuff, but that’s the job. I’ve prolly got 100+ calls or patients that stayed with me for a bit. Some still do. Kind, compassionate care always wins.
I am fucking BAWLING. I have an 8 year old and a 10 year old. Your story was like a punch to the guts. I don’t have the right words to express my feelings. Thank you for finding his remains. Thank you for sparing the parents the details. Thank you for caring for the parents as much as you could in that situation. My heart is broken for those parents and for that little boy. I am going to hug my kids a bit tighter tonight, and review our emergency evacuation plans with them.
Thanks for those words. It was horrific. To be clear, my crew found him. But since cause was potentially criminal, the collective decision was made I’d be best to take recovery lead in the event of legal proceedings. I was ranking medical officer. A gut punch. And a horrible tragic outcome. Once dad tells me the kiddo was in there—honestly, everything seemed to go full slow-motion on me getting 50’ back to my command officers. I’m sure it was seconds, felt like it took forever I believe in transparency and honesty, however, I believe in compassion when certain brutal truths would not serve anyone or add any understanding. I’m certain that he quickly succumbed to smoke inhalation and didn’t suffer. Want to be clear—this kiddos parents were not in any way responsible for the fire. Folks check your smoke detectors—house had them sans batteries. So many detectors are found sans batteries or outright have no detectors. Every floor. Outside every bedroom. Inside every bedroom. In your garage, your basement, in your attic and near mechanical areas (breaker boxes, water heaters, furnaces or boilers). Also, near your laundry. Dryer fires are real—so detector here matters. Clean out those dryer vents. I run a shopvac down the hose in laundry room and up through the vents a couple times a year. Get pros to clean vents and filters. Your needs vary—I rarely use my dryer in summer. Use a lot, clean more often. Have a family fire drill. Kiddos and everyone needs to have multiple ways to get out—and once out what to do. Meet at mailbox or neighbors or across street—once out you stay out. The toss out emergency ladders work & go into a small cabinet and mount under windows. Even small kids can use or toss out for someone to get to them. Don’t count on going out interior doors. Can’t get out through door. Close that bedroom door and open window to alert rescue you are there. I tell families that a simple coaches whistle can alert rescue—these are cheap. Pop a Glow sticks (the chemical kind) and put in window. Throw a sheet or blanket in window. Would detectors have mattered here? Who knows, I think—maybe—as fire originated on lower floor, 10’ away from this kiddos bedroom. But fire moves hot and scary fast—that one was exceptionally fast. Be safe all.
Thank you for all of the tips. My husband has severe anxiety, and for all the shitty things anxiety causes, it does cause him to be very prepared and safety conscious. We moved into this house in 2022, and the first things he did were: - schedule a vent cleaning - replace the smoke detectors that were already in the house with Nest Protect alarms - put a fire extinguisher on each floor - teach the kids how to get out of their windows in their rooms in an emergency (we live in a split level with a walk out basement, the kids are both in the basement) I hate that he has anxiety and that it can, at times, have such a crippling effect on him. I love that he is so good about preparing for emergencies. (I will say his anxiety is actually very well controlled now and he is much happier for it). I admire first line medical personnel (fire/paramedics) so, SO much. As much as I love emergency, I would never be able to do what you do, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for being one of those who take on those responsibilities.
Anxiety can be used for good. I’m glad your hubs has it sorted—anxiety can be crippling. Your hubs sounds amazing. Preparing for an emergency and keeping those you cherish safe—that’s demonstrative love imo. I will maintain that firefighter/paramedic is one of the best jobs ever. Being able to do everything possible to effect the outcome—on the worst day of someone’s life is a *responsibility* and a *privilege*. Hug hubs too and thank him for being him. Don’t explain further, but bask in fortunate feels of being well-prepared. Most folks aren’t well prepared.
This was difficult to read. And I imagine a billion times worse for you to have experienced and then recall now. I’ve read a few stories from this post that are all heartbreaking, but this…I don’t know why this one got me. I’m so sorry. Truly, from a stranger on the internet.
Kind words are everything. Thank you. I think stories of how ordinary, yet precious life really is and how vulnerable all of us are do serve as testament to remind all tomorrow is not promised, it’s a gift—and to cherish those you love.
This is 1000% the most disturbing sound to hear
Agreed, I work hospice and occasionally covered pediatric hospice too and legit needed therapy to process how distressing it was to see parents despairing
Just had a code last night and having a mom say "Please, I just want you to stop now" after watching rounds and rounds of compressions on their 2 pound baby... And the sobs afterward. Haunts my nightmares.
I was NICU for the 1st 18 months of my nursing career. Level 3 learning 4. My hospice heart was born in that NICU.
I had an instructor who called working hospice being a midwife for the dead. I loved that.
And that is how Death Doulas came about
I'm so sorry. I see so much death and pain, but I still don't know how you NICU nurses do it. The kiddos still haunt me, years later.
It’s the same anytime I’ve heard someone be delivered the news. And I remember letting out a similar wail when I got the news of my own mother. Horrifying.
My late husband's ER doctor was surprised that I *didn't* let out the wail, and so was I. All I could think about was that he'd had a hemorrhagic stroke, was hemiplegic, and he'd have hated his life (as someone who was really about being physically fit). So I was relieved that he didn't have to go through that, even though I'd have gone through it with him.
My late grandma died of a hemorrhagic stroke and while we were all very sad, as an ER nurse I was 1) incredibly grateful my family was on the same page and opted to withdraw care vs torment her and 2) realized her death was likely more peaceful and painless than many I’ve seen. There are fates worse than death and being a trach/PEG in a nursing home is up there. I’m so sorry about your husband❤️
When I was told of my mother's death, I just felt like my body and mind entered a black hole in space and I couldn't move think or say anything. I only lost it once my sisters arrived, unaware of the fact she was gone.
Me too. I was working night shift. I had a beer in my hot-tub and went to bed. My WHOLE ASS FAMILY came to my house at 1030 am to tell me. All I could think was “shut that bitch up I cannot think!” That bitch was me. Screaming. She was 41 and had completed suicide in 2001. That cow!
I'm so sorry. Losing my dad wrecked me.
During clinical I was with a family as the patient received news of stage 4 ovarian cancer. The daughter, who was my mother’s age, threw her arms around me and bawled. I had to go cry in our touchdown room once I was done in that room. Couple years ago I had a walk-in blood pressure check. The guys 10? 13? (Sadly both ages happened in our area within a few years) year old son had committed suicide. He ended up telling me the whole story, and all I could do was hold him while he cried. A few weeks ago, one of my colleagues’s father died unexpectedly (60 years old) and she got the call at work. I heard her from my closed office door down the hall. It was unearthly and I don’t think I’ll ever unhear it. They’ll always stick with me, along with some others, and I’m sure more will come.
Yep. I’ll take a thousand tears for grandma. I can hear the mother of a child who died of med error like a waking dream.
what was the med error?
Walmart pharm overdosed my neighbor's son's medication, not sure enough to say what med though. But I'll always think that when sending meds to Walmart..
There’s actually a term specifically for the wailing after learning someone has died: keening
My cousin drown in a lake when he was 22 along with 2 other guys. It was horrible. The saddest thing I’ve ever seen is his aging grandmother following the casket, we were right behind her and when she saw them put his casket into the back of the hearse she screamed the most aching, guttural cry I’ve ever heard. She fell to her knees, we all rushed to help her and try hold her up. I’ll never forget it.
It’s always been the worst but especially now that I’m a parent. It’s unnatural to outlive your child. It gets easier to navigate with time but it’s never easier to hear.
That’s my least favorite thing about the job. I have chills just thinking about it. I work ICU and every time I hear a families gut wrenching scream I just can’t handle it.
Thank you!! It really did. I've never seen a patient die so young. Every time I have been in a code with a young patient, we have gotten them back, and they didn't even realize that they had died for a little while. This was the first time I have had a patient under 40 pass. Just hit me really hard.
I heard a mother wail after her child died. That lives inside of me.
Once you hear that cry, you never forget it.
I coded a teenager a couple years ago. It was a Friday and the family had everyone over for pizza just because. The patient collapsed and it was unwitnessed. They started CPR immediately. When we were about 45 minutes into our resuscitation efforts, we brought the family in so they could see that we were trying. (Studies show that it helps them accept what has happened more easily if they see some of the code). I was doing compressions when they came in and it took everything in me to keep my rhythm while listening to the parents plead with the patient to come back. The patient didn’t make it. I’ll never forget the wails of that mother and father. Parents crying for their kids are the ABSOLUTE worst thing to listen to.
It has been 10 years, and I still hear that mother’s wail clear as day.
Children crying for their parents is pretty up there too. The honor walk in the ICU for a younger man who had children who were pretty young but old enough to understand what was happening...their cries at the end of the honor walk will never leave me 💔
Every once in a while those cases will hit you. We had two young teenagers transported to our ER after hitting a tree. I remember blood and brain matter coming out of one’s ears with each chest compression that I performed. Both those young kids passed away and quite a few nurses cried after, mostly the ones with children their age. Please don’t be hard on yourself, I have cried with patients families and it actually opened them up to do the same when they were in shock. As long as it’s about them and not you, meaning you are caring for them in whatever way you can it’s totally ok. As to shocking patients, I recall my first time doing it with the actual paddles and it scared the crap out of me, the second time the person was awake but going out in complete VTACH he screamed, it’s painful. I was right near him and jumped. Third time it was a young woman who kept going out and coming to after shocking her. She said did I die, the doctor said no to not make matters worse. Two of these three people survived. It’s not easy and as much as you get used to it there are some cases that just get to you.
As an oncology nurse one of us cries in the bathroom regularly. When we become calloused to death and the pain our patients suffer it’s time to do something else.
Well said. This happened to me during Covid and realizing how disconnected I had become from suffering and death was the catalyst I needed to go back to school and find a different path in nursing. Stay strong and don’t lose your humanity❤️
yes I think that's what did it in for me. COVID really desensitized me to the reality of death. After witnessing 10-20 patient's die per day, I just kind of lost my humanity a bit. I think this is a good sign that it has come back, and I am hopeful for that.
My first code was a 21 year old with dad at the bedside. It was an ugly one that lasted almost an hour. As soon as they called it, I excused myself to the bathroom and absolutely lost my shit. I'll be forever grateful to the nurse who followed, and hugged and supported me until I could clean up and head back out. Then the mom came up. That soul crushing wail of a parent that just lost their child will echo in my mind until the day I die. Before the parents left, the mom gave me a big hug and thanked me for caring for her child. So, of course, I immediately lost my shit again, lol. I've had many, many codes since, but that's one that I'll never forget. It's absolutely OK to cry after losing a patient. It keeps us compassionate and serves as a reminder that we're still human despite the crap we see and deal with every day. I am proud of you for continuing to show up for these patients. Make sure to talk it out and take time for self care. Airplane rules apply to the hospital, too; you need to take care of yourself before you can help others. ❤️
I said this in my initial reply to OP, but those of us who are in critical care and code people on a regular basis - we all have THAT ONE (or two) code that just sticks with us forever.
This thread is actually really nice, despite the topic. All of us have been through similar experiences, and it's helpful to know so many others understand the feeling. Everyone here has been really good about listening/sharing stories, and supporting each other. It makes me even more proud to be a nurse.
I’m not a nurse, but I worked on the ER code team for a Level 1 peds trauma center. The sounds a parent makes when you call TOD on their child is one of the worst things you can hear. It is the sound of pure pain, and honestly, you don’t forget it, but it does get better with time. Crying means that the pain of the family touched you, it’s a healthy way to process, and it’s okay to do. We have the unique honor of being there during the worst day of someone’s life, and sometimes that connection hits hard.
The young ones are super hard, It’s hard not to cry pretty much every time a parent is present for a code, whether it’s a child child or an adult child. A parent should never have to bury their children. I also cry if the patient has young children. We coded a 40 year-old that had no medical problems, he got (alpha) COVID and died after only a few days of being ill. His kids were like 8 & 5 in the waiting room with their mom. Ughhh. 😭
The younger ones are super hard. I said in my original comment that those of us in critical care (where we code people on a regular basis) all have THAT ONE (or maybe two) code that just sticks with us more than the others. My THAT code was also a young person. What haunted me (and does to this day, 13 years later) was that this young man (he was 19) didn’t have anyone with him. Even though fire was doing CPR as they loaded him in the ambulance and left the home. We coded that kid for over an hour. We deviated from ACLS algorithms and shocked him while he was in a non-shockable rhythm just to try something, *anything* that might get him back. Through all of that, until the doc called it, his family still hadn’t arrived. After it was called, we cleaned up the trauma bay. We cleaned him up as best we could (it was a traumatic intubation that was done prior to his arrival, and there was *a lot* of blood), made him as presentable as we could… and still no one arrived. By the I was moved off of the code team and to my next assignment (we only stay on the code team assignment for 4 hours at a time), the family still had not arrived. Before I left the code room I kept looking at this young man, trying to make him as clean and presentable as possible, trying to hide the evidence of they physical trauma that the code process put his body through. I cannot imagine a scenario in which my family member is takes out of my home with CPR *in progress* and I am not at the hospital minutes after the ambulance.
I'm a retired army veteran I've been everywhere including combat. I worked ems for a couple of years. People always took things hard especially when it came to kids (drownings). I've never cried for any pt, until my son was born. One particular morning i came to work early and the doors were closed to the entire hallway. My ER didnt do that unless someone was coding. So i go on epic just to see what was going on. The pt was a 5mo girl who her mother was feeding her and accidentally fell asleep and suffocated the baby. When i saw that, it hit me so hard that i had to go into an unused room and cry. My son was only a 3 mo at the time. Another thing that i accidentally saw was when i was passing the consultation room to stock my rooms. The door happened to be opened as i was passing by, and i watched the mom hold her little girl for the last time. Everyone is different. It makes sense that after that you would cry. I now would too if a pt reminded me of family. A lot of nurses get jaded after working so long to the point that their quality of care goes down. From the way you told your story, it seems like you still want to make a difference in people's lives, and you do because you actually care for your pts.
I was still a registrar while witnessing my first code. 19 year old shot in the head with brain matter exposed. Homicide. Mom arrived a few minutes after her son’s “friends” had pushed him out of the car in our triage bay. It’s been 14 years. I’ll never forget her wail for as long as I live. I cried in the bathroom for a half hour afterward.
An ambulance bay at a hospital I would drop off my patients (former eMT) ended up being the unofficial designated ‘homie drop off’ High crime area. Ppl got dropped off constantly. Literally pushed out of cars and the cars fleeing. This basically made it easier for the cars to drop off and leave, and created a space in front of the ER where staff can quickly and easily get to them.
Oh yes. I’ve cried with families. When they make that guttural sound it’s like I have no choice but to sympathy cry. I’ve been part of a lot of codes, shocking people still conscious but rapidly declining. A few years ago we had a building burn down and one kid we coded who passed and another we had to tube due to facial and airway swelling. That was a rough day. That little boy looked perfect except for soot on his face. I can still see him.
The kids are always the worst. Mine was a car accident. Three kids under 4, no carseats, parents were of course wearing seatbelts and only had minor injuries. All 3 kids died. This was in the 90s but I can still see their little faces.
Oh my word!! How awful!!!
Dying is natural and expected eventually, but young people dying hurts so bad, and the grief of their loved ones is what makes me cry.
The fact you can cry is how you know you’re still human. No one forgets the sounds of a mother screaming for their dead child. Please cry. When you don’t cry is when you need help.
If I were still able to cry after a code, I would feel a lot better about myself.
Ya there’s a reason I don’t work peds
https://preview.redd.it/chuckles-im-in-danger-v0-jnv5br0dzyvb1.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=f74398ce8fcfc6024097a000687b807aa82dbe61
10 years into being a nurse, working in SNF and ED and having seen plenty of death, was the first time I really reacted to one. I mean, I'd be a little sad, or shed a few tears with families (one of my instructors in nursing school said "It's ok to cry with families, as long as you're not crying more than the family"), but most of them didn't really shake me. That day, I had two patients die within an hour, both on the younger side (I mean, geriatric, but 60s or early 70s), both alert and oriented. The first one was expected. It was frustrating because I'm pretty sure it was fixable, but she was adamant about comfort care. The second... I can't say it was totally unexpected, but she had not been actively dying. We'd had a normal conversation when I'd brought her meds earlier that shift. And this was about 6 months after covid swept through, so I already had a lot of built-up feelings from that. Went and had a brief panic attack in the DON's office before getting back to it.
OP this is the *tough stuff*. It’s okay to cry, I think everyone has shed tears. I think when the patient is close in age to our loved ones or even ourselves—those cases can beat you up fairly bad. I reccs that everyone caring for others makes their wellness a priority. Counseling from a therapist you jive with that understands our job demands and works through trauma focused care is everything. Having a safe and confidential place to hash it out will save lives (yours and others) and your career. I’ve been in counseling most of my career. I’ve seen some horrible things—I’m fortunate in having help to process them. PTSD is a very real thing.
Those death screams can haunt you. Make sure you do some self care. Talking about it helps. Don't try to keep those emotions bottled up inside you. Sometimes a patient just gets to you. I ugly cried the shift I took care of a 16yo self inflicted GSW that turned into an OPO case. I had taken care of plenty of GSW patients and I had taken care of teenagers that passed before but something about that patient just hit me differently.
What is OPO?
Organ procurement organization. Patient became a donor.
We do organ donations as well but I have never heard that acronym. Even google didn’t help me! Thank you for answering, now I learned something new today
I’ve had codes that have brought me to my knees when they were over. I’ve cried during them too. It’s okay, and it’s nice to know you’re human. Trust me when I say that your emotional investment in your patients is felt AND appreciated by their family.
watching the raw grief of family members in real time brings emotions to a new level. especially a parent losing a child. no sound is worse and it's impossible to forget. hold space for yourself- this means you're human and a good nurse.
More often than not I can hold back my tears. They’ll sting at my eyes but it’s not often I let them have/can’t hold them back. I’m also one of those people where if I start crying it’ll hit me hard and it takes a lot to be able to stop (plus I get super puffy eyed). During covid is when I really cried at work (partially because of what was going on just with covid and all the deaths, but I had also found out in the fall of 2020 that my now-ex was cheating on me; the combination of the two things had me crying more than I ever had since becoming a nurse). Most recently I had a patient who wasn’t responding to cancer treatment, was having malignant pleural effusions, respiratory status was awful, and was waiting for a thoracentesis with pleur-x catheter placement with plans to go home on hospice once that was done. It was a Monday I took over their care and the patient just looked so tired, wanted to go home, and just wanted to stop feeling how they were; son was at the bedside. After my initial assessment and interaction I walked out of the room and just kept saying to my friend after a long slow letting out of my breath, “I will not cry today, I will not cry today,” and was fanning at my eyes/face. She started walking towards me with her arms open to hug me and I had to be like, “✋🏻 you do that and I WILL cry. However, if I walk off the unit to the stairs, you know why”; where the patient assignment was was right by a staircase (oddly enough, where I had previously, back during covid, had a patient who wasn’t doing well and our case manager had called the wife (who was at a rehab facility at the time) on the phone and had it on speaker so she could speak to him and you could hear her saying, “you need to make it through this for me,” and just the pleading tone in her voice got to me and I had to step away to the stairs).
I will never forget the first time I heard that scream. It still affects me. You're human and you haven't lost your ability to feel after 5 years of this. That's a good thing, hard as it is.
For sure. If you write a person you know over the patient it makes it very very personal. I cried every time I picked up a kid EMS) who was one of my kids ages. My husband is a prosecutor and works SVU cases. He once asked me to “play the juror” on one of this cases and when he showed me the pictures all I could say was how can you not see our kid in this?! He immediately took the pictures and shut his laptop. “Don’t tell me that. I’ll never get through this is I see our kids in these victims” Some of us are better at compartmentalizing than others and sometimes those doors crack open and we canot keep the contents in the dark corners we’ve sent them. I’m so sorry this happened. It’s ok to feel our humanity from time to time.
I worked inpatient hospice for several years and pronounced more deaths than I care to count. Never shed a tear (at work anyway) until a 2 year old passed away there. Somehow, all the emotions and grief I had felt all those years hit me full blast. IDK if it was because the child was the same age as my own but it got me. Her family was there and the older brother (not more than 7 years old ) came running down the hall crying that she was gone. The memory of her mom carrying this little girl out and placing her in the funeral home van was burned into my brain and I still cry when I think about it. Something so unnatural about burying a toddler. I went down a deep hole of depression after that and ended up taking some time off work. I was able to go back to hospice but have never been the same.
I had a patient post-crani who had a brain mass nobody could figure out, but it wasn’t cancer so we all thought he’d be fine. He was 29 and his wife was 10 months pregnant with their first child. One day he had a massive brain bleed out of nowhere and was declared brain dead after another emergency crani. He was put on life support and the wife left to be induced, had their baby, brought the baby back to her husband so that he was able to “hold” their child, and pulled the plug. It gutted me and I still stalk the wife on Facebook sometimes to torture myself.
Worst I've heard is a mother screaming when her 4 day old died. She had fallen asleep while breastfeeding and the baby choked. Cpr at the hospital was more for show, the doctor asked where the parents were and said to continue for 15 min after their arrival and then to call the time of death. The heart wrenching scream that poor lady let out was painful to hear.
>When I saw them shock the patient, I actually jumped because it looked so damn cruel! I I'm Cruella Deville because I won't hesitate to put on 2 sets of pads and hit a big boy with 720 because here's the thing: they're dead. If you DON'T do that cruel thing, they'll stay dead. You can not hurt them and completely take away any hope of them ever living, or you can hurt them a lil and give some hope we'll get a rhythm back. Unfortunately it is a reality that we'll have to things that seem cruel, but you have to remember that cruel things are done with bad intentions - that's not what we're doing.
I had one recently that affected me a lot. They didn’t have a good life, whether a victim of circumstance or their own choices (probably both). The code was unsuccessful, and it was ugly. My last round of compressions felt like pushups on a water bed. I remember seeing them in the bed afterwards, tubes everywhere, and thinking how *small* and helpless they looked. There wasn’t a single phone number on file for us to call. All their worldly belongings fit in one little belongings bag. And it just felt like this heavy sadness in my chest. I talked to them while we got them ready for the ME. I don’t really believe in that stuff, but it felt like if their soul or whatever form of consciousness was still around, maybe there would be some comfort in knowing that somebody acknowledged them & somebody would remember. I cried about it more than a couple times and I thought about it pretty much daily for a little while. If you have coworkers you can lean on, it really helps. Or a good therapist. I know that I personally feel like I can’t really talk about this stuff to people outside of healthcare because I’m afraid of traumatizing them. But the processing has to happen somehow.
I work in peds. I had a code once where the mother of the child was in the room 😐 she jumped onto the bed and was screaming and crying SAVE MY BABY SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE MY BABY. And we did; he was ok. But the drama of that moment. The raw human emotion. I locked myself in the staff bathroom and cried for a a good 5-10 minutes.
We all have ones that stick with us. Mine was the otherwise healthy 22 year old that went down at the gym. Bystander effect caused nobody to render first aid/CPR until EMS got there 15-20 minutes after he was down. Down for a total of 45 minutes before he came in, with another 30 minutes of downtime in the ER. When we finally called it, I kept hearing music. Something with bass and drums. We did post-mortem care and I kept hearing it, it was driving me crazy. Hunted down the sound to the airpods in his gym bag that came in with him. It was hooked up to his gym playlist, and played the whole time he was down. I found his phone to pause the music, and there was a text from someone with a heart emoji that said “if you’re not feeling good you should head home.” BIG YIKES. HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY.
It’s heartbreaking to read all of your stories! Lots of love to you all! I guess you never know who are the ones that get you. Sometimes I can make out what got to me, sometimes I don’t. I guess you can never numb yourself to the point of not feeling at all, and you shouldn’t.
My husband has been a paramedic for 15 years. Every single Angel Run (sick newborns with a special ambulance for their peds gear) he calls to talk to one of our grandchildren. Every single time. It doesn't matter how long you have been on the job, you're a damn human being with feelings. And by the way, *a woman's tears are not a weakness, they are her strength. Through water we cleanse and heal, and survive *
Unfortunately, yes, I have an experience to share. I was pulled from the Pediatric E.R. to Pediatric ICU and not given a report on the Toddler I was caring for during that night shift. "Just play with him and give him his meds, and we'll take care of the report in the morning", the Clinical Supervisor said to me. So, I did just that and played with him. The staff referred to him as "Flipper" because of a congenital birth defect of his arms and feet. I vowed I would not call him that and further, I would devote my time with him as meaningful as I could in response to them calling him "Flipper". It was just as well because the child would not go to sleep throughout the night. When he did fall asleep I would have to wake him often for medications and that would start another round of play which I thoroughly enjoyed. Finally, near the end of the 12 hour shift the child went to sleep and as the next shift began I listened to the report given on my patient. "The child is DNR and no further......." all I heard was DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) I would be tearful later but at present I was in a state of shock. At that time I had been practicing for 20 plus years and never heard of a DNR designation for any Ped. That same day the child went into Cardiac Arrest and died. I returned to the Hospital one more time before permanently leaving to ask the Clinical Supervisor, "You just let the child die?". The Hospital, the Doctors and the Family all agreed to this. I was the only one who didn't. Since my advocacy would be in vain, I left that facility and now entering my 50th year of Nursing I never returned to that facility but often shed my tears quietly for the one who was known as "Flipper". PEG-BSN
He was DNR because of his arm/leg malformations? Or because of his entire list of medical issues?
It’s always the family’s reaction that gets me.
I'll never forget the code of a young adult, very sick patient who had been admitted for a long time, and had been every nurse's patient at least once. The sound her mom made when she was told her daughter didn't make it 😞 Even the cynical, battle hardened and burnt out nurse's and CNAs immediately began to sob. I'm crying now just thinking about it. It was over a decade ago, but the whole entire scene is so clear in my memory.
I haven't cried during a code but a patient who was coded and died, her husband had stepped out to get something to eat and she coded while he was gone. His screams when he came back still haunt me.
I worked hospice for years. There are many that stick with me. Watching children and parents mourn their loved ones together gets me every time. Some feel worse than others. Some, I feel guilty for not feeling much at all. When that started to become the norm, I knew it was time to switch it up for a bit. Now I'm doing paeds and I love it. Haven't had a full code yet, but I knownthe day will come soon enough. I don't have any advice or anything more than a few anecdotes to give. I just wanted to acknowledge what you're going through can feel confusing at times, but it's real and not something to feel bad about. You're human, and it showed.
We don’t get to decide what sticks with us, unfortunately. Honor your feelings and know that you aren’t alone. There are patients that visit me in my dreams all the time.
It’s ok to feel sad. I’ve been to loads of trauma and codes and some of them get to me , some don’t. It’s a stressful situation and you’re allowed to have feelings about it and it’s difficult to predict what will get to you. Sometimes I think it’s all good and I’ll miss a light on the way home and just bawl in my car about it. You never know how it’s hits you, I just hope I’m somewhere private when it does. Just don’t make a tiktok about it 😜
Losing a PT in a traumatic scenario is never normal. It’s ok to have a human reaction to it, it just means you are still compassionate. It’s only a problem if the family is consoling YOU. Eventually you’ll develop a tolerance, but not indifference. When you are indifferent then it’s time to look inward. Always consider therapy for these things because they ARE a traumatic event and can leave PTSD.
I recently coded a patient that was a full code but absolutely should not have been. I was the one who initiated CPR, so I cracked the ribs/sternum. While I didn’t cry during this code, this code stuck with me more than all of my other codes except for one. The one that was worse was “THAT code” for me. I think all of us who work in critical care and code people on a regular basis have one or two “THAT code”(s). The code that just *gets* to you on an emotional level. The one that makes you cry, or makes you sick to your stomach, or just hurts on a visceral, emotional and spiritual level. The one that you close your eyes afterwards and you just see the patient. “THAT code” for me happened in 2011, and I can still remember everything in perfect detail if I am thinking about it. My advice? Play Tetris ( https://www.psych.ox.ac.uk/news/tetris-used-to-prevent-post-traumatic-stress-symptoms ) (I am on my phone so I hope the link is clicky), take a day off if you need it (I took 3 days off after THAT code in 2011. I was straight up with my managers about *why* I was taking those days off, too). Talk to your therapist if you have one. If you don’t have a therapist, calling the “Employee Support Team” or whatever your employer calls it (assuming you have one - most employers provide this service) which will connect you with short term mental health support that is covered through your employer health benefits. You will get through this, and you will come out the other side. Nursing is a job that is difficult for so many reasons; it is difficult physically, emotionally, spiritually, and ethically. People who aren’t in healthcare have no idea. Hugs to you from this internet stranger.
This post has made me reconsider becoming a nurse, don’t think I could handle something like this. You guys are amazing
It's...an acquired skill, I suppose. It's not a skill anyone wants to acquire, but you do, because someone has to. I see my job sometimes as a "grief eater," bearing witness to the pain and grief, absorbing some of it because it's too much for anyone to bear alone. I won't say I don't have secondary trauma from it, because I absolutely do. But you get better at managing it. (And there are jobs as a nurse where you don't have to deal with nearly as much of the really hard stuff, so that's always an option.)
When I was still in nursing school a patient on hospice had passed with his wife in the room, and I was totally calm in the moment. The nurse asked me to bring the mother to her daughter who was in a room down the hall and the second I opened the door and heard her screams it was like I felt them throughout my entire body. Once she was with the other hospice nurse I went straight to the bathroom to gather myself and reset before going to bag the body. Some moments never leave you.
I think for some of us we sometimes associate crying on the job as unprofessional because we are supposed to be in "nurse mode" all the time. One situation I remember vividly, I'd spent all morning with this patient, she was waiting for a CABG. I walked in to the room at 8 am and she told me she just "didn't feel right," it went downhill from there. No family there that morning, she grabbed my hand and told me she was scared. I held her hand and tried to reassure her that once we got her to cath lab she'd feel better. We got her to the lab and twenty minutes later the fellow who was with me in the room that morning called to tell me she died on the table. He thanked me for everything I'd done for her that morning. I couldn't keep it in, started sobbing at the computer in the nurses station in front of everyone. You're human, it happens, and it's okay.
I’ve been a LTC nurse for almost 14 years. You are human. Take the time to experience those feelings, even if it’s later when you’re at home. Know there is absolutely no shame in being emotional. Trust me, the moment you stop feeling is when you should be handing in your resignation.
When one of my favorite patients coded I started crying while giving compressions. The RT told me to stop and take a break. She had a massive stroke and there was no saving her. It is tough.
That means you are a great person and hugs-
I think you have to let it all out sometimes.
Those cries from family members never get easier to hear. It’s ok to cry, it shows you are human and most importantly still care which so many in our profession lose. Take your minute to collect yourself ( I hope you have a team that has your back) but most importantly remember to take care of yourself after work.
Was a very new nurse. Kid my age was victim of a car jacking gone wrong. Shot through back of head an inch away from brain stem. Largest craniotomy done at my hospital to date. Horrible.
Totally normal... I did hospice nursing and law enforcement before that. I have seen a lot of people die, and grew accustomed to dealing with it in the moment, focusing on care, first aid, crisis management, etc... However, the deaths didn't faze me as much as family members who show up to a crash scene or hospital room... You can see the grief and pain in their face, hear it in their voice, and suddenly it's much more impossible to disconnect and just be professional. I think it's natural; we can disassociate and think of it as just a body. Just a corpse (in the case of some verybbad crashes I had responded to) - but when family show up and break down, suddenly it's a person... A brother or sister, a spouse or friend to someone else. If you don't choke up at that... You are no longer human. I didn't tend to cry until family would touch my shoulder or something and thank me for trying... It's a complex feeling, like you are seen for trying and there is gratitude, but that feeling takes over that you somehow let them down... Even if that isn't true, it's a hard feeling and powerful grief. But honestly, I think there is zero shame in crying after a traumatic incident like that, I always supported my team after something heavy. I'd pat your back, but can't online - keep up the good work, it's rough but you sound like the kind of person I would want at my bedside when in rough shape. 🍻 Be well, and remember it's totally okay to take a break after things like that, and even grieve for strangers in bad situations, got to remember self care. You are awesome ☕️
All the comments keep making me cry for you guys.
It’s always the wailing of the loved ones that breaks me. Also a nurse of 5 years. Also the ED. But I cry a lot.
You had an emotional release. It it completely normal and can happen after highly intense moments.