Happy birthday, OP. Seems to be something we need to endure as men. I know most of my male friends get similar treatment. Go to work, pay the bills, do all the 'man' chores as well as 50% of the rest of them etc and don't even get shown some appreciation.
Similar to you, I always treat my wife but I just buy myself stuff now when I want or need it. It's my birthday next month and I've already said I don't want anything, saves the disappointment.
My husband's bday is 5 days before Christmas and he grew up in a bad situation. He only got one present growing up, as was all his mom could afford, as a single mom of 2 and his sister's birthday is in the beginning of January: too close together for my mil to be able to do birthday gifts and Christmas as well. I now give him two gifts every year: one to open in his birthday and one on Christmas. I buy the kids things to give him too, so he can open a lot of things. This last December I gave him the jacket he had been wanting and 2 warm sweaters for the winter. The kids gave him a perfume, a bag of his favorite beard products and some cute Simpsons' socks. We're getting the marriage thing done in august after 16 years together and I already bought him a gift, something he really wanted for a long time and he doesn't even have a clue (it's hidden in my parents' home). He loves to gift me things, I love to gift him things. It's more his love language than mine but I love that man till death do us part so I pamper him as he pampers me!
My mom was poor, but she bought tiny gifts during sales all through the year and saved it for Christmas and my birthday.
She might’ve been super poor, but I always feel like birthdays and Christmas being close isn’t a great excuse. All you need is planning.
My mil was not a good mother, despite loving her kids. But she was way too damaged from her own childhood to be a good mother. My sil was more of a mom to my husband than my mil. That's why she still today acts like he's her oldest kid. She's an amazing person. She was the one that started giving him the most gifts she could to make for the years they were without. She is an amazing aunt and she's the godmother to our youngest and she dotes on them all like a grandma. Mil died suddenly in 2021, nada our youngest was born last year. She is also 10 years older than my husband so she was conscientious of what they had to go through because of her mom's sins.
January birthdays were a killer as a kid 😅.
But it also taught me that gifting is a choice, one which can only be made given a person's financial circumstances. My mum worked 2 jobs on her own and raised 3 kids. Her taking a day off on my birthday was more than a wrapped piece of plastic. ❤️
I think it’s a personality thing, not a gender one.
I’ve (25F) been with my fiancé for 6 years and only last year did I receive anything for my birthday over the years - and it was only a birthday card, but at least it was something from him! He said he would pay for a spa day of my choosing but I couldn’t be bothered to rummage through the various choices. We both have good jobs so I could simply pay for it myself
Each year I gift him lots of special things that I know he would love - one of my love languages!
I don’t know if it’s a culture thing, but my closer group of male mates - mid 30s to early 40s, some dads, some not yet - always seem to get thoughtful gifts from their partners. For some it’s non-material things like trips, for others it’s gifts for their hobbies that their partners absolutely detest (Warhammer and rugby in this case), but the thought is very much mutual.
This might be a London thing, might be a UK thing, or maybe just coincidence, but certainly not a male thing in my experience.
And a happy birthday OP! Make the day your own if that’s what it takes, and enjoy taking those pictures!
Nah i do the same for my bf, always have, as long as it is mutual. Birthday, christmas, i got him a book about something he enjoys reading about for valentines and some chocolate (he doesn't like flowers, or i would have gotten some as well) and he is super thoughtful back as well. With my ex i did the same the first 3 years or so until i gave up because he stopped doing those things for me 🤷🏼♀️
When is my husband’s bday, I order cake, cook hot dogs and others snacks, buy something that Ik he needs and call his friends to show up. One year he was like idk what I did on my birthday and I was truly pissed off bcuz I put a lot of effort to make sure he has a great day lol.
I always go all out for my husbands birthday, I make him a cake from scratch, one year it was a red velvet cake, decorated and shaped like him if he was a zombie along with a house party with all his friends. Another year I organized a laser tag party for him and made him a transformers cake. Sometimes I take him on trips to places he loves, and make sure everything we do is something he likes. My next goal is to save up enough money to take him to the F1 race in Las Vegas, because that race is around the same time as his birthday, but it’s insanely expensive and I’m on a teachers salary so it will take me awhile to have enough to cover it.
I wouldn’t turn this into a gender issue because it absolutely isn’t. My ex and I were together for two-and-a-half years. For his 22nd birthday, I paid for a vacation to Lake Lure, NC (his favorite place in the US) that included ATV riding, swimming at the beach, rock-climbing, fly-fishing, horseback riding, etc. Want to know what he did for my 21st? Bought me a six-pack of Twisted Orchard. I don’t even like hard cider.
My current partner and I weren’t even official when the t.v. in my room shorted out and he bought me a new one and installed it entirely himself. He called it an “early Christmas present.” (And still gifted me a Stanley cup I’d been eyeing.) I’m planning an all-inclusive trip to Cozumel to celebrate his 21st birthday next month.
The difference in effort here isn’t gender. It’s appreciation. My ex did not appreciate me or even care to give me something I would’ve liked. My current boyfriend goes so far out of his way to make me happy it’s remarkable. What has stayed consistent is me (a woman) trying to show my partner just how much they are loved.
Why endure it? Your partner is not treating you right. Speak to your partner. I didn’t make as much as my partner but I would do everything in my power to make him feel special and loved. You aren’t feeling special and loved, don’t endure it.
I turned 60 last year. Had to plan my whole birthday trip. My husband reluctantly came along. He couldn't commit because he might be hunting. Ill remember that on his next milestone birthday...
That bums me out for you all that experience this. I always remember birthdays for my boyfriend and do something fun, get him something he has wanted but didn’t want to get for himself and also try to do something fun/handmade w the doggos (our furbabies) for him. My mom calls and sings happy birthday, we go to dinner of his choice and I basically say what would you like to do today?! I’m sorry guys. Not all women just expect things while doing nothing in return. That happened to my big brother FOR YEARS even at Christmas and other events :/. She is his EX wife now
OR you could communicate with your life partner about the way you feel and why and then work AS A TEAM to communicate openly about expectations for the future…
This would likely be far more productive than passively aggressively being mad about something that you are now actively encouraging to happen by saying you want nothing. You are literally explicitly stating that your feelings and wants are the opposite of what they truly are, then being bitter that she believes you.
I hope you can talk to her about your feelings on this. Glad that you can look at things so positively. Focusing on your daughters and treating yourself to something nice is a great way to go about the situation, but it won’t serve you any good to ignore the problem, which is probably feelings of disappointment and lack of care from your wife.
Thank you. On my part I should also learn to communicate with her. I'm just tired of being gaslit, which seems to be her natural comeback.
Also, one day before my birthday, my dad got admitted to hospital for heart failure. I was really wiped out running errands and worrying for him. Thankfully, his vitals went back to normal after 24 hours.
After seeing his health decline did i realize the importance of self-love.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. How is he still holding up?
Happy birthday as well.
If your wife doesn’t care, you can’t control that. But you don’t want your daughters following that lead if they get married. Perhaps marriage counseling.
My dad is out of danger thankfully.
Thank you for the birthday wishes! As for my wife, I shall no longer expect anything. If I want something, I'll buy for myself.
Glad to hear your dad is doing OK!! I know it's so scary. Both my parents have now had heart attacks. Keep your head up! Your wife kind of sucks, but sounds like you love your kids!
I feel you. It's not so easy to just "ask" or "talk to her about how you feel"
Sometimes that's just the start to a long winded argument where you are left feeling drained, more hurt and unheard.
A defensive partner is very difficult to deal with.
When she complains, just tell her you’re going to put the same energy and effort she puts into your gift. Sorry she didn’t get you anything! Happy birthday. Glad your daughters wrote you sweet cards.
The fact that she knows your feelings and disregarded it says a lot man. What conversation is there to be had? I would say just don’t get her expensive gifts anymore. What is yours wife’s work status? Is she a sahm? Or does she work? How did you guys split finances? Those things may play a factor as well.
She works as well n earning similar to my pay. Sometimes she works till late so I'd often handle the kids in the evening. We combine some of our finances for household n save up the rest on our own.
Yeah no excuses then. She just simply didn’t care. I bet if you do talk to her about it she will turn it into a gender war. Just don’t have any expectations for her anymore and give her the same energy she’s given you. Remember actions speak louder than words my friend.
Just wanted to give you massive props for the gift itself! I bought the Blackmagic cinema 6k G2 last year for my work and oh my god I’m in love with it!!!!
I turned 45 yesterday, too! I am very sorry to hear you were disappointed by your wife. I am like you…a thoughtful gift-giver who doesn’t always get much (or anything) in return. It sucks. And some people really just never understand why gifts are so meaningful to us. But your camera sounds great! Happy birthday, OP!!
My husband and I have been together for 49 years, married for 45. Last year we decided that we weren’t doing gifts anymore. We are at the stage in our lives where we are trying to get rid of things and downsize. Also if we want something we just buy it.
I am glad we made this decision, it takes the pressure off…LOL!
I know it sucks to not have someone you love put any effort into your day. So sorry! Hope you enjoy your new camera.
So you've figured out that gift giving isn't her strength and that you can treat yourself to something you want instead of buying her an expensive gift for her birthday and keeping tally. This is within the realm of normal behavior for people who love each other.
Happy birthday, OP!
I am sorry to hear about this, though. My love language is also gift giving, and I hear where you're coming from.
It might be a good idea to sit her down and have a talk about what this actually means for you. I had to have these difficult but necessary conversations with my partner as well. Hopefully, she'll listen and not invalidate your needs/feelings.
Sounds like your wife doesn’t need anymore birthday presents either. I spoil my husband on his birthday and every chance I get. We aren’t rich but we are happy. I can’t imagine hurting his feelings on his special day.
Yea , I’ve come to this realization as well, it gets easier . Just say to yourself, only kids get what they want for birthdays, sometimes. After a while it’s
Just another year closer to the sweet release of death, married 33 years here 😂
Hey OP, I am so sorry this happened.
I'm on the other side of this issue, and I'd like to ask you: My man says he doesn't like a fuss, he doesn't like surprises, big and expensive presents ("If I want something, I buy it for myself" type of guy) and in fact, even said on one of our first dates that he does not like receiving gifts he didn't ask for, because it just takes space and he often never uses it.
That said, I didn't want to get him *nothing* for his birthday. I saw a gift I knew would be appreciated, a particular t-shirt that looked cool and had meaning that was personal between us. I ordered it from the website and...they sent the wrong one! I returned it and they refunded me, instead of sending me the proper shirt. So, for his birthday, I was left empty handed.
I wanted to take him out somewhere nice, but he said it was rather a thing he'd want to do with me and his friends, but that he didn't want me to organize anything now because "so much is coming up" (summer usually fills our social calendar).
So, I never got him anything and I feel terrible about it.
Now, we are both really being active and getting back into shape (we are both pretty active/fit, but last winter we overdid it with snacking during the winter), and I was thinking of getting him a specialty Golf Garmin (he loves golfing) which he can also use to track his other physical activities. Do you think I should go for it, even if he specified he doesn't want any surprises?
I'm at a loss!
hi, your hubby is really lucky to have u. Perhaps try bringing him out for 'window' shopping and nudge him near to a shop showcasing that specific Garmin watch and see his reaction? If he's keen, his eyes will light up. and thats where u swoop in, tell him "If u love it, i'm gonna get it for you right now as your birthday gift this year."
Sometimes, we guys really do not know what we want until it becomes clear to us, and it may take some time.
If he really doesn't want/do not want anything, maybe a hand written card with nicely decorated art or something? Main thing, it has to come from your heart, which i know you will.
Your hubby should truly appreciate you!
Happy birthday mate, come to Berlin we will smoke a joint and drinks on me haha
Like GUS said in “breaking bad”, “you are a man and you should provide, even if you are not liked”
A man should provide that’s the things which we are told, and these days I am just hearing stories like this, my brother himself going through a lot because of all that.
Thank you man! Sorry to hear about your brother's plight. I love "breaking bad".. And perhaps on my birthday next year I'll just stand in front of my wife calmly.. "Say my name"
Same here OP. I’ve taken my partner on several large vacations, bought her expensive gifts, plan multi day activities for her birthday with multiple friends. I just got a dinner and bowling lol. It’s disappointing and I would like my partner to match the effort I put in. When I tell her I want her to do certain things it turns into a whole ordeal about how she’s my equal and I’m sounding like her dad😂 in other news I got myself a nice e-bike this year for my bday
It hurts my heart hearing stories like this. Your wife couldn't be bothered to do even something SMALL for your birthday??! And 45 is also a milestone in my eyes. Can't believe how you gifted her what she wanted and then she turns her back on you like that. It's a shame. I'm sorry OP
Happy belated birthday!
I wish you luck in your marriage. The universe felt bad so it did you a solid with the camera.
Can't wait to hear about the amazing photos you take with it!!
And I agree. Don't expect things from your partner especially if they don't give you even a card on your birthday. Also your daughters are amazing :-)
Did she specifically know what you wanted for a gift? Do you flat out tell her?
Some people need to be flat out told what to get for a gift. Hints aren't enough.
Also, some people show their love in ways other than gift giving.
The previous statements both describe me. Personally, I kinda wish gift giving wasn't a thing. It creates just another needless expectation, and opportunity for poor communication and disappointment.
Sounds like we're pretty similar! My husband and I just decided this week we're not going to get each other presents for birthdays/holidays anymore, other than taking the other out to a nice dinner. We just don't like the stress/expectation it creates and we're gonna try to get our families on board too (except the children of course, who should get gifts).
Nobody has ever gotten me a gift that I've liked more than a gift I've bought myself because I know exactly what I want/like and others don't. Gifts I've gotten end up unused or just taking up space. I don't like receiving gifts, and I like giving someone a gift if they tell me exactly what they want but I HATE trying to guess.
I agree with all of this! Including children, which I hadn’t originally considered. Yeah, they should definitely get gifts. Children tend to be very direct about what they’d like, and there’s definitely something magical when they receive something. It seems like a very different dynamic than when adults in a relationship try to do gifts.
I also have a strange relationship with the whole concept. My mom loves gifts, and is very good at getting meaningful gifts for others. My dad was very much the opposite, and anything we got him for his birthday or Christmas, or whatever, sat unopened for years to decades in the basement, in his literal hoard of trash. So that’ll skew your views. And then of my two siblings, one is a minimalist who doesn’t want to own anything more than a bed and a car, and the other sibling is a maximalist who seems to own pretty much everything they want at this point.
So the gift giving/receiving environment I grew up in was… extremely varied. I ended up kinda abandoning the idea of gifts as a measure of relationship quality at a young age.
On an unrelated note, and having spent a fair amount of time around violins… I’m pretty sure they work better *dry*…
LMAO I was like, what are you referencing? I forgot about my username. Reddit generated it for me years ago cus I was gonna use it as a throwaway but ended up liking it. I think the violinist is moist, not the violin 🤣
How do you show your partner your love on a birthday? Do you also do nothing at all?
I get that choosing presents is difficult, and I struggle with it never feeling good enough, too. But... doing nothing... is far from "showing love in a different way" from my POV.
If she made cake/ nice dinner/ wrote him a loving card/ planned a day off for the two of them to "do what he wants/Shop for what he wants"/ give him a massage.... things that Show love in a non-materialistic way, that would have been perfectly fine. But nothing? Dunno, different love language sounds like an excuse in the case of nothing to me.
Well to start, I’m presently single. Have been for about a decade at this point, so the manner in which I show my love for a partner is moot.
Having said that, in the event that I find myself *with* a partner, this is one of the things that I communicate *very* early on, because again, communication is key.
If you’re someone who appreciates receiving gifts, tell me! And when there are birthdays or other occasions approaching where you’re looking forward to them, again, *tell me!* Don’t hint, don’t beat around the bush. That’s poor communication, and I’m probably not going to get the gift right in the way that you hoped, if you don’t communicate clearly to me.
If I’m going to be in a relationship, I guess I put a lot —I mean a *lot*— more stock in the consistent day-to-day. I know if I’m loved and appreciated by how we interact on a daily basis, and over the long term. If I know that I’m loved, I frankly do not need to receive a *thing* as proof. Similarly, if I know that I am not loved, then receiving a *thing* does not improve the condition of the relationship. Although in that case, realistically, the relationship is over by this point anyway.
My preference is to be with someone who feels the same. Broadly I think relationships are best built on common ways of expressing and receiving love.
I’m certainly not *against* being in a relationship with someone who prefers to receive gifts at times, but again, *tell me*, early and often what you’re looking forward to receiving, so that I can do this for you. If you try to rely on hints, *I will probably get it wrong somehow*. Now you’re unhappy because I failed to express my love for you in the way you need, and I’m unhappy because I feel that the 365 days of the year where I’ve worked to express and demonstrate my love are invalidated because of my failure on *one* of those days.
I dunno. Gifts seem to hold far too much “value” relative to the more mundane aspects of relationships, IMO. It has the ability to make what *should* be a natural, organic bond between people oddly transactional, if that makes sense.
But much like I would prefer to have a relationship who feels the same as me, I would also recommend that someone who loves giving and receiving gifts should look to be with someone else who does, too. I imagine that a person who really appreciates receiving gifts is has a much better intuition with regards to *giving* them, and can much better integrate their understanding of their partner with that method of expressing love. Different strokes, and all that.
As to OP’s post, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I think there’s one of two things going on in his relationship. Either:
1) OP’s wife does not express love through gifts, in which case I think it’s important for OP to be aware of this, and maybe this is an opportunity to deepen their understanding of each other, thereby strengthening their relationship or…
2) …OP’s wife *does* express her love through gifts, and her seeming indifference here is indicative of some underlying unhappiness with the relationship, which would be pretty important to know about, given the fact that they’re *married*, presumably with the intention of seeing this marriage through for the long term.
You can call me Get_your_grape_juice, Doctor of Love.
Happy belated day of birth...
I agree with the other comments that said for you to not get her anything for her next birthday and if she says anything just tell her that you got her the same thing she got you...
IMO....she isn't giving as much into the relationship as you are.... unless specifically requested cash for you to buy what you want yourself isn't the same as asking you/searching for the perfect gift for you...
Happy birthday! I have a man who doesn't care about making me happy and will gaslight me if I communicate my needs. It sucks. We deserve better. Glad you got yourself something nice and that you have your daughters to show you love.
Happy bday OP! I think you need to really sit down with your wife and have a chat, but judging from your reply to people it seems like you have reservations? Or perhaps too timid to speak up? Seems like there’s more to the story
I feel like you shouldn't need to tell your partner to be thoughtful on your birthday. Unless there's a reason that she can't financially do it, I don't understand this at all. I'd likely stop buying her gifts and do the same thing she does. Just pick a place for dinner.
And if she complains about it, I'd tell her that your efforts were not returned by her. You can't just take take take and never give. That's selfish.
Happy birthday OP. If you'll accept this piece of mind that i have for you, it's this : communication is always underrated, even for the simplest things.
We tend to brush off so many little things in our life because we feel like talking about them or talking to the person linked to them isn't that important, and it just piles up and piles up until our emotions explode.
Your frustration is valid. Expecting a gift on your birthday from your wife isn't selfish or arrogant. Expecting something nice because you gave her something nice isn't unfair. But you must communicate those feelings to her, and really listen to her side as well. What happens in her head and her decision regarding gifts comes from her and her only. You're not a mind reader, people can change, or have bad days / weeks / months , etc.
Even if at the end of the conversation you disagree, you might learn something that you didn't know about how she feels currently or how she feels about this issue. Even if you disagree, the conversation might set the first stone towards some form of compromise.
All relationships fluctuate and evolve in time. Sometimes, it's okay to stop and re-evaluate, without judgement, to be sure we are walking on the same path, and if not, how we can fix it together.
First of all, wishing you a very happy birthday 🎉! Second I am a woman but in the same situation and for the last few years I started buying gifts for myself instead of for my hubby and completely stopped expecting him and the best thing I did for myself. I completely understand your point that when you can afford to buy a $5000 gift for your partner, it's not about you can't buy the things for yourself. It's just the day u want to feel special or at least want to see your partner make an effort to do so
Happy BirthDay, if you really love her and are happy with her continue to get her gifts . I’ve learned that sometimes people we love just don’t meet up to our expectations and we really can’t blame them for that. Always have a giving heart and God will reward you with more than you can imagine .
The basic expectation of at least a bday card from your partner? Sorry but you can blame them. If people can't even do the simplest things for you then that's on them and you don't have to accept this kind of excuse. It's so inconsiderate. Even the parents reminded her of a gift. Always having a giving heart is nice but it doesn't mean other people shouldn't consider your feelings.
Peoples love languages are different but she could have made an effort, even if it was a trip away or a watch or something. She didn’t even get him a card. Her parents even stated that she should get him something big that he really wants due to the cost and meaning of the present he got her. There’s no effort from her end, so why should she receive anymore presents.
Should never be about gifts either way. I've been with my wife for ten years, 3 kids. We buy gifts for each other when we can afford nice gifts. We don't do tat gifts, so if we can't afford something nice, it's usually a card, breakfast in bed, and stuff that the kids have made for us.
I normally ask for a "manly" drinks bottle and get quite excited each year to throw my old one away and get a new one. Even socks, never appreciated getting new socks or underwear till I became a dad 😅.
It's a mutual agreement between us both, and no offence is ever taken. We couldn't give a crap. It's more about the kids. We're a team and spend our "gifting" money towards holidays or school holiday breaks.
My wife's mum is very materialistic and becomes "off" with her should she only receive a card. I can't stand those sort of people, like who in their right mind expects others to buy gifts for them? I just can't get my head around this 21st-century concept.
Gifts entitlement is a disorder whereby a person, for absolutely no reason at all expects another, In some cases, people they don't even know, to spend their hard earned money to give them something expensive on a random day, which coincidentally is the same day of a specific month that they emerged from their mother's vagina. Big F'ing whoop, you were born! Yaaay! Now crawl back in there and take your high horse self entitlement with you 😅.
You can see my passive stance on the whole gifting affair 😅. Now I've got that off my chest 😅.
If you think your wife is not sharing the considerations, then speak to her, not the people of reddit. Tell her exactly how you feel,
"Can I speak to you? Yes? Okay, why is it that you don't even get me a card for my birthday?" Don't mention that your gifts are considerably more than hers as your choice of gift is on you not her, but the whole not even a card fiasco needs challenging as she's either she's become accustomed to you bearing the burden, she doesn't care enough to consider you or she's mad busy and an environment has been created by the both of you whereby she thinks you're not actually bothered by gifts so why spend money unnecessarily.
Maybe she’s struggling financially? Idk, but my husband and I used to do expensive nights out for birthdays pre kids. We don’t do that now and with kids, I can’t really afford to (yes we share expenses but I make less). My husband has expensive taste. My bank account doesn’t. My husband gets disappointed sometimes that I don’t buy him something for his birthday (we still do dinner but less fancy than we used to), but I often buy him other thoughtful gifts throughout the year. Most of his gifts to me are food related. It’s his love language. It’s not mine but I don’t get upset over it. Maybe just talk to her and ask her why? It could be her love language. It could be financial as women tend to earn less than men even if they have equivalent jobs. Also, it could just be the mental load of motherhood - it’s a lot in the younger years and she might have just been too tired to think of something. Don’t chalk it up to not caring. It’s a difficult conversation to have but if you love each other it’s worth having and learning from.
Do you talk to your wife with how you feel?
The hand made birthday cards from your daughters most probably from your wife telling them about your birthday.
Happy birthday!
Also you don’t sound like a douche for wanting a bday gift from your wife. I think I’d be sad too if I didn’t even get a card or anything from my partner as well. You are human it’s ok to feel that way. I hope you enjoy your gift you bought yourself!
happy birthday!
i do think you should sit her down and talk about how you wanted her to make you feel special as a husband, not just father of her child.
i dont think the responds of "dont give her a gift next year" is very helpful tbh.
its better just to talk.
cuz im sure it isnt out of maliciousness, i think she just forgot how important it is to make your lover feel like a lover
happy late birthday op! i know the obvious reddit reply is “you two need to communicate better” but im 99% you have thought of that and tried already. im sorry. im glad your sweet daughters are there for you! and i think its a good thing to treat yourself as well… hope the camera it good, it sounds fancy! lol
Do you routinely buy yourself whatever you want? My husband was impossible to buy for because of this, but I always made him his favorite cake and gave him a party of some sort.
I’m sorry OP. I love giving gifts. Small, large… frugal/extravagant - my gifts are well thought out, something unexpected and really wanted.
It sucks when the receiver makes it so difficult to make the effort or doesn’t not even try to reciprocate.
So sorry to hear this, especially since both of my parents still get each other nice things for their birthdays and they've been married since 2000. Have you tried talking to your wife and telling her how you feel, OP? Might be worth a shot.
Happy birthday, though! <3
I cannot imagine not buying a gift for my bf/husband on their birthday, fathers day and Xmas....honestly even toward the end when we did not get on at all, I always got him a gift. Damn, I sent my kid with a birthday gift for him last week and he doesn't talk to me or reciprocate!
It is not a gender thing.
Does she have access to money?
Happy Birthday OP
I can't imagine not making a big deal of my husbands birthday. He never gives me any ideas, so I'm always paying attention to what he likes and needs. He's always pleased with whatever he gets. Its not too much to ask of her, and I'm sorry you've been repeatedly disappointed. I'm glad you got yourself something you really wanted. I hope you have a happy birthday, OP. 🥳
Happy birthday OP!
You deserve a nice day. We go all out for birthdays in my house. My husband shared a birthday week with both his siblings growing up and it was hard for him. He never felt like he had his own day so I try to make every birthday and Father’s Day amazing.
Maybe this weekend find a few minutes and sit wife down and say “what’s up with lack of planning on my birthday?”
Don’t be joking or offhand. Say it seriously and with true seeking to understand where she’s coming from.
See what she says and go from there. It’s not okay for her to make you feel unloved.
I’m so happy your girls made you sweet cards.
For now, enjoy that camera. You earned it!
Hate to say this in case it causes more hope, then more disappointment but maybe she's planned a surprise. Or got you something and waiting on it to arrive but didn't want to spoil it. Just maybe.
Happy late birthday, man! You deserve to be celebrated, I'm sorry your wife disappoints you. Maybe it's time to have a conversation about it, if you haven't already?
At the beginning of our marriage, my husband didn't really get me gifts even though I took literal months to plan his out and try to give him really thought out gifts. I told him I didn't feel appreciated or celebrated on my birthday from the one person who was supposed to support me and be in my corner. He went from not getting me anything to getting me holiday presents, birthday presents, and just random little gifts.
I hope if you have this conversation with your wife she is as receptive as my husband.
I wish you the best, friend!
Happy related birthday. And good for you on not sulking in this situation. I'm sorry that you felt underappreciated on your birthday. It's a terrible feeling. But that 6K camera should be amazing.
hey, happy birthday op, I'm so sorry to hear that but have you tried talking with her about how you feel? and if that doesn't work you could try couple therapy.
Happy Birthday from another Swenson’s lover! That’s the thing I miss most from home after moving to the west coast. Do something nice for yourself every day this week, you deserve it!
Happy Birthday!
It could be worse. She could get you expensive gifts that you hate. That’s what my husband did for years until I finally pounded it into him that he is not allowed to buy me anything over $30 that isn’t fully refundable without asking me first.
Have you had a conversation with her about this? Clearly it’s important to you. She may just be afraid she will get you the wrong thing.
Happy bday!! She gifted her true colors. She knew too so it’s just mean to do that. I’m glad your daughters still gave you gifts, they should be seeing from her how to treat the one you love, not how to ignore that someone loves you.
1st of all happy birthday frm argentina <3. 2nd man, don't buy her anything and spend the money u would spend on her gift, on whatever u want 4 u instead
Happy birthday, OP. I hope you have fun developing projects and making memories with your kids with that camera. You’re worth it, full price! Your daughters sound really sweet too, which is heartwarming to hear despite a rather cruel, distant birthday from your wife where silence rings indifference.
You’re also worth a hong bao, way more than that. If your wife won’t even listen to her own parents about how thoughtful your birthday gift was to her, her thoughtlessness w/o explanation is selfish enough to honestly wonder if she’s checked out. Is she immature about emotions and changed little over the course of marriage? If you’ve grown in a way she can’t, and isn’t curious enough, to value you as someone worth understanding, your resentment grows too.
I’m truly sorry for the disappointment you felt and it is something you can feel sad about. I’ve experienced this before with past boyfriends. And even though my family, friends, and current partner are great, I still get myself something on my birthday and big events. I’m not one to ever tell them I want something expensive and expect someone to buy it for me. This way I get what I want, I’m not disappointed, and anything else is a bonus gift 🎁 Happy late birthday! I hope you never have a sad one again ❤️
You have two choices here. Accept that she will never give you a gift and be okay with it. Or sit down with your wife and tell her you are disappointed she didn't give you a gift (and never does). Ask her if she would prefer from this point on to do no gifts between the two of you for birthdays. If she says she wants to do gifts, let her know that's fine, but if you don't receive a gift next year, you will assume gift-giving has come to an end.
Happy belated birthday, I hope your wife realizes what type of man she has and treats you the way you deserve. It’s so funny that if you did what she did to you, It wouldn’t have been the same reaction from her.
Many years ago, I told my girlfriend at the time. You can get me whatever you want, just as long as you try to get me something. Like put some thought into it and try and think what I would love. She took that and got me a Winnie the Pooh bear… not exactly what I would have wanted but ok, then she tells me it was an old toy they had for years for her cats… I was livid. I think you should be livid too, but I can respect your self control. I’m glad your daughters got you something to make it better.
That camera will be awesome!! In regards to your wife I think just saying how it made you feel would help. My fiancé is also bad with gifts he has no clue how to give gifts the whole idea scares him a lot because he would rather play it safe than get something I might be disappointed with. I think for her she feels maybe since you're the guy in the relationship that you don't need to be given presents or nice things (very ridiculous in my opinion but honestly my mom was like this too). I think just talking and telling her what you'd be interested in and how if it doesn't change she won't receive nice presents anymore. I think that would help a lot to give her perspective and just to say that gifts are a love language and that they show that she does think and care about you. Best of luck OP.
Happy birthday! But before I even read it I knew your wife was Asian. 😂 I was raised in a predominantly Asian neighborhood and all my school friends were Asian kids. Have heard this story so many times from those households. Not even the kids get nice presents, just the selfish Mom… is it cultural??!
Happy belated birthday, OP!
I don't seem to understand this. Even when I was broke, I made sentimental gifts for my partners, and when I had the money, I always went for something I knew they would really enjoy. A year pass for snowboarding (jeesh those aren't cheap) a PS4 (when it came out) the VR set for the PS4, or just a bunch of things I knew they had been looking at or would benefit a hobby of theirs whether I liked that hobby or not. This was on top of bringing them to eat their favorite food.
I always love spoiling the man in my life so long as it's mutual. But to me, it sounds like you do for her, but she doesn't do for you, and that's heartbreaking.
Happy Birthday OP! You are taken for grantwd, like most husbands. I think you should focus more on yourself, take care of yourself, exercise and eat healthy. Nothing generates immediate appreciation and attention from your wife like taking care of yourself and being more attractive to other women. It's sad but its the truth. Currently, she believes that you cannot replace her and while that is true in most cases, its the same reason why you / we are taken for granted. I'm sure not ALL women are like that but we are talking in general. This is an evolutionary trait.
I’m a divorcee, but every holiday and birthday I showed up with gifts and care. If I couldn’t afford a gift I would make one. It’s also my love language though. But as a veteran who has traveled to Asia several times, I’m shocked at the no gift as I thought that was a huge thing in Chinese culture like the red envelope. Anyways, Happy Birthday OP and congratulations on that sweet camera. You also seem like a great dad! Take that to heart.
I feel your pain, OP.
My love language is gifts. My husband? Last on his list.
Not only do I love getting gifts, I'm equally excited to give them. He detests both. It's honestly caused enough issues in our marriage that we had some counseling about it. His mother hated gifts. His father bought extravagant ones. Lots of drama in his childhood about gift giving and returning, and its a trigger for him. So ours is a little complicated.
So where does that leave the pro-gift person in the relationship? Sadly, I don't know. I still get terrible gifts. Or none. Sometimes, I cry about it at holidays, honestly. We used to make lists, but I kind of stopped because it wasn't really the point. We can just buy things for ourselves. Gifting is more about appreciation of the other person, seeing who they are, being thoughtful. Running down a list out of obligation really misses the point.
The only thing that kind of worked was to have a talk framing it in terms of my husband's top love language which is quality time. I asked him to imagine a relationship where I never spent time with him. Where we would have a special occasion to be together, but I wouldn't show up. Or spend the whole thing on my phone not paying attention. He started to understand. I've asked family to help him for birthdays and other occasions. So far we have not had much progress, but our marriage is great otherwise. I do understand how you feel, though. Try to talk to your wife. Get ready for a knee-jerk "what adult needs a GIFT?!" Keep calm. Explain what it means to you
Happy birthday! Good luck.
Happy Birthday OP! Go on short vacay to make use of that camera. You sound like a loving man and a great role model to the kids, and you deserve to be rewarded for that. Go go go!
Happy birthday OP. I hope you enjoy the camera.
I learned this lesson as well from my late husband. Every holiday birthday or anything I would get nothing when I would always get something for him and our child even if I made it myself. 20 plus years of that will teach you not to expect anything from anyone.
Happy Birthday and stop buying your wife big ticket birthday presents. Make her something next year and for your birthday skip the dinner. Give her a day off and take your girls on a nice trip somewhere
Happy belated BIRTHDAY OP 💐🎂 wishing you a life time of good fortune , wealth, health and happiness.
As for what you gift your wife for presents in future, put the same effort and energy into her celebrations as she puts in to yours. Match her energy. Next year don't get her a gift or card. Just take her to lunch or dinner with the kids. (I seriously hope she paid for your meal at least). Don't overly spoil someone with gifts etc if they refuse to do put the same effort into your birthdays etc
Happy birthday, OP!! I don’t care how many excuses a person makes, or how someone might say gift giving is or isn’t a person strength. It has to do with simple respect and consideration. I hope you can sit down and talk to your wife about it and that she receives the message well and changes her mediocre efforts!
My husband and I are the exact opposite. He hates celebrating birthdays (he’s a middle child whose parents were merely negligent on a good day). Meanwhile, I LOVE making a big deal for birthdays. For my 40th last year, he, again, did nothing while all my friends’ spouses were planning big birthday bashes and fun trips. So I booked a weekend at Old Edwards Inn and Spa in Highlands, NC. In the notes section, I let it be known that my husband forgot my 40th birthday, so I booked this trip for myself. Husband came with me on the trip and EVERY SINGLE STAFF MEMBER went out of their way to tell me happy birthday. It was phenomenal and my spouse told me later that he felt like a heel all weekend, so that was a bonus.
It was my birthday yesterday too- after years of my family not doing anything for me and just giving me gift cards, they threw me an actual party yesterday. Maybe the same will happen to you OP.
Happy birthday!
Next year I’ll blow out a candle wishing you get a gift!
Gifts destroy value. Unless previously discussed, the receiver will not place as high a value in the item as the giver does.
So yes, buy yourself the thing you want. But, do not have the expectation for your wife to do this or know it is what you want. Have a good dinner, maybe some place nice, just with her, and be grateful for the time alone without the kiddos!
My wife does not work. In a roundabout way, if she did buy me something, it is with my money anyways, haha!
I'll have a porsche gt3 please.
The 1/64 die cast model, lol.
Marriage isn’t transactional. While I understand your disappointment, it sounds like you feel love when someone gives you gifts, even small ones like the cards your daughters gave you. Because that is how you feel love, that’s how you express love. But what if that’s not what makes your wife feel loved? What if she feels empty because she doesn’t feel like you are loving her the way she needs to be loved? And likewise you feel exactly the same? This could be resolved if you both discovered what makes you feel loved and work on expressing love to one another in that way.
Yep, I got a glass water bottle for my last birthday. The kids made some artwork for me that I loved plus my wife made breakfast and we went to dinner so it was a nice day. Plus usually if I need or want something I’ll just go buy it. I’m a 40+ year old man I am only giving gifts to little kids and my wife and I hope other adults don’t buy me things bc I damn sure didn’t get them anything.
To me giving gifts is the lowest form of affection and the laziest of them all unless the gift is something extravagant. I do buy my wife and kids nice gifts and love being able to give them something nice but I don’t expect that to be reciprocated. Gift giving is more for the giver than the receiver anyway imo but I don’t really get a whole lot out of doing either. I like your attitude about it and feel where you’re coming from. Sometimes it would be nice to get hooked up on your birthday but I guess those days are long gone lol!
Happy birthday buddy!
Happy birthday!! I’m sorry you were not treated the way you deserved to be.
You should 100% return her energy. Next year for her birthday take the family to Swenson’s and …. that’s it. Just dinner. If you keep giving without receiving you are teaching her that it is ok to shit on you.
Is she a gift giver usually? I’m not a gift giver and I usually have to ask people for what they want, and if they don’t tell me I won’t give anything.
Happy BD OP.
Well at least you know what to gift your wife for her BD, and that it s NOTHING.
If she doesn't care of do not have the touch well you can do the same
Happy birthday my brother..and stop showerring gift if you dont get the same treatment back..casually bring this up in open with right communication and say your dissapointment in this situation but with neutral tone.."babe, i did this for your birthday and i expect a little bit for mine. But this is quite saddening on how subpar the present you gives compared to mine.. I dont mind going big because i love you, but this really dissapoint me on cuz it seems i did a lot but you barely trying”….make this sentences neutral as neutral as possible even tho it is quite aggresive…LOL…but make sure u do not laugh
Happy birthday OP. The thing is in a marriage you should never, ever stop dating. Never get complacent. Never assume mediocrity and not bothering is “normal”. It isn’t about material stuff of course but effort and consideration and she’s displayed neither with this. I’m so sorry. My suggestion would be to let her know that this has hurt you and you want to feel loved and desired. Caveat it with it’s not about the cost (because I suspect if she made you an amazing album of all your favourite photos and memories together you would be stoked) but it’s about feeling like she cares and wants to share something special with you.
OP you’re awesome. My kids home made crafts are my favourite things ever too.
For my ex bfs bday I bought him multiple gifts he wanted and when mine came around he didn’t even wish me happy birthday. Really hurtful 😢 sorry you went through this have you tried bringing it up with her?
Sounds like the perfect way to get what you want for your birthday treat. Glad your daughters are not picking up your wife's habits. Can I also suggest that you stop giving your wife gifts and cards because she is clearly telling you that she doesn't care about birthdays.
Happy Birthday OP! I just wanted to say that my (v recently now ex) expressed his disappointment in how infrequently I reciprocate gift-giving and he feels unappreciated and a bit used. I was so grateful that he communicates how he felt, I didn't mean to neglect him in that way but that's besides the point. The next day I treated him to lunch and took him shopping :) I also made more of an effort with more frequents gestures of appreciation.
Hopefully, if your wife loves you and is caring about the state of your marriage, she will be receptive if you communicate how you feel too ?
Happy Birthday OP! Have fun with your new camera, and I’m glad that you got cards from your daughters. Don’t buy your wife any gift next year. She looks like she doesn’t care.
I’m sorry. It sounds like she’s being selfish with her money. It great that you buy something that makes you happy, but it should have came from her. She will 💯complain if you don’t get a gift, and that’s going to cause (changed case to cause: edit) resentment.
If you have insurance or am able to get insurance, y’all need to get couples therapy. This kind of selfishness, and inconsideration, and disappointment is only going to cause problems in the future.
She’s your wife, but I would her an email with your thoughts.
Happy belated birthday op! Glad you treated yourself. I don’t know anything else about your relationship but I would definitely communicate the hurt and disappointment this caused. She’s your wife and loves you (I assume.) If this is something you need from her, you need to communicate it or you’re going to be abandoned in this way for the rest of your life!
I feel you man I do the same each year then I hope to get something good and end up with a garden hose or something so I joke around now that I'm getting her an iron. Buy her what ever she wants 5k massage chair no questions asked not even birthday then j question myself spending 1500 on a 3d printer.
Happy birthday man I'll have a drink for ya
First of all…Happy birthday!
Secondly, you’re doing the right thing. Taking care of your family, your father. A great life lesson for your two amazing daughters.
Thirdly, your wife not remembering your birthday or making a point of it however small. Hurts to read.
Enduring. This is something that you shouldn’t in a relationship in this context.
You two are both grown ups (with kids). Both of you should be able to talk frankly and directly about hard things, specially in a marriage.
I wonder what else you’ve been “enduring” over the years as a “man”. Hopefully not much.
I have been trying to set a good example for my husband each year regarding gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but it hasn't worked. He never gives me gifts. I call him gift impaired.
Happy birthday OP.
Thank you so much!
Happy birthday OP! Time to put yourself first in your marriage.
Happy birthday OP
Happy birthday, OP. Seems to be something we need to endure as men. I know most of my male friends get similar treatment. Go to work, pay the bills, do all the 'man' chores as well as 50% of the rest of them etc and don't even get shown some appreciation. Similar to you, I always treat my wife but I just buy myself stuff now when I want or need it. It's my birthday next month and I've already said I don't want anything, saves the disappointment.
You shouldn’t have to endure it. I love spoiling my husband and it baffles me when spouses of either gender just check out like that.
My husband's bday is 5 days before Christmas and he grew up in a bad situation. He only got one present growing up, as was all his mom could afford, as a single mom of 2 and his sister's birthday is in the beginning of January: too close together for my mil to be able to do birthday gifts and Christmas as well. I now give him two gifts every year: one to open in his birthday and one on Christmas. I buy the kids things to give him too, so he can open a lot of things. This last December I gave him the jacket he had been wanting and 2 warm sweaters for the winter. The kids gave him a perfume, a bag of his favorite beard products and some cute Simpsons' socks. We're getting the marriage thing done in august after 16 years together and I already bought him a gift, something he really wanted for a long time and he doesn't even have a clue (it's hidden in my parents' home). He loves to gift me things, I love to gift him things. It's more his love language than mine but I love that man till death do us part so I pamper him as he pampers me!
My mom was poor, but she bought tiny gifts during sales all through the year and saved it for Christmas and my birthday. She might’ve been super poor, but I always feel like birthdays and Christmas being close isn’t a great excuse. All you need is planning.
My mil was not a good mother, despite loving her kids. But she was way too damaged from her own childhood to be a good mother. My sil was more of a mom to my husband than my mil. That's why she still today acts like he's her oldest kid. She's an amazing person. She was the one that started giving him the most gifts she could to make for the years they were without. She is an amazing aunt and she's the godmother to our youngest and she dotes on them all like a grandma. Mil died suddenly in 2021, nada our youngest was born last year. She is also 10 years older than my husband so she was conscientious of what they had to go through because of her mom's sins.
January birthdays were a killer as a kid 😅. But it also taught me that gifting is a choice, one which can only be made given a person's financial circumstances. My mum worked 2 jobs on her own and raised 3 kids. Her taking a day off on my birthday was more than a wrapped piece of plastic. ❤️
I think it’s a personality thing, not a gender one. I’ve (25F) been with my fiancé for 6 years and only last year did I receive anything for my birthday over the years - and it was only a birthday card, but at least it was something from him! He said he would pay for a spa day of my choosing but I couldn’t be bothered to rummage through the various choices. We both have good jobs so I could simply pay for it myself Each year I gift him lots of special things that I know he would love - one of my love languages!
I don’t know if it’s a culture thing, but my closer group of male mates - mid 30s to early 40s, some dads, some not yet - always seem to get thoughtful gifts from their partners. For some it’s non-material things like trips, for others it’s gifts for their hobbies that their partners absolutely detest (Warhammer and rugby in this case), but the thought is very much mutual. This might be a London thing, might be a UK thing, or maybe just coincidence, but certainly not a male thing in my experience. And a happy birthday OP! Make the day your own if that’s what it takes, and enjoy taking those pictures!
Nah i do the same for my bf, always have, as long as it is mutual. Birthday, christmas, i got him a book about something he enjoys reading about for valentines and some chocolate (he doesn't like flowers, or i would have gotten some as well) and he is super thoughtful back as well. With my ex i did the same the first 3 years or so until i gave up because he stopped doing those things for me 🤷🏼♀️
When is my husband’s bday, I order cake, cook hot dogs and others snacks, buy something that Ik he needs and call his friends to show up. One year he was like idk what I did on my birthday and I was truly pissed off bcuz I put a lot of effort to make sure he has a great day lol.
I always go all out for my husbands birthday, I make him a cake from scratch, one year it was a red velvet cake, decorated and shaped like him if he was a zombie along with a house party with all his friends. Another year I organized a laser tag party for him and made him a transformers cake. Sometimes I take him on trips to places he loves, and make sure everything we do is something he likes. My next goal is to save up enough money to take him to the F1 race in Las Vegas, because that race is around the same time as his birthday, but it’s insanely expensive and I’m on a teachers salary so it will take me awhile to have enough to cover it.
I wouldn’t turn this into a gender issue because it absolutely isn’t. My ex and I were together for two-and-a-half years. For his 22nd birthday, I paid for a vacation to Lake Lure, NC (his favorite place in the US) that included ATV riding, swimming at the beach, rock-climbing, fly-fishing, horseback riding, etc. Want to know what he did for my 21st? Bought me a six-pack of Twisted Orchard. I don’t even like hard cider. My current partner and I weren’t even official when the t.v. in my room shorted out and he bought me a new one and installed it entirely himself. He called it an “early Christmas present.” (And still gifted me a Stanley cup I’d been eyeing.) I’m planning an all-inclusive trip to Cozumel to celebrate his 21st birthday next month. The difference in effort here isn’t gender. It’s appreciation. My ex did not appreciate me or even care to give me something I would’ve liked. My current boyfriend goes so far out of his way to make me happy it’s remarkable. What has stayed consistent is me (a woman) trying to show my partner just how much they are loved.
Why endure it? Your partner is not treating you right. Speak to your partner. I didn’t make as much as my partner but I would do everything in my power to make him feel special and loved. You aren’t feeling special and loved, don’t endure it.
Choose better life partners, that isn't standard behaviour and should never be considered so
I turned 60 last year. Had to plan my whole birthday trip. My husband reluctantly came along. He couldn't commit because he might be hunting. Ill remember that on his next milestone birthday...
That bums me out for you all that experience this. I always remember birthdays for my boyfriend and do something fun, get him something he has wanted but didn’t want to get for himself and also try to do something fun/handmade w the doggos (our furbabies) for him. My mom calls and sings happy birthday, we go to dinner of his choice and I basically say what would you like to do today?! I’m sorry guys. Not all women just expect things while doing nothing in return. That happened to my big brother FOR YEARS even at Christmas and other events :/. She is his EX wife now
OR you could communicate with your life partner about the way you feel and why and then work AS A TEAM to communicate openly about expectations for the future… This would likely be far more productive than passively aggressively being mad about something that you are now actively encouraging to happen by saying you want nothing. You are literally explicitly stating that your feelings and wants are the opposite of what they truly are, then being bitter that she believes you.
I hope you can talk to her about your feelings on this. Glad that you can look at things so positively. Focusing on your daughters and treating yourself to something nice is a great way to go about the situation, but it won’t serve you any good to ignore the problem, which is probably feelings of disappointment and lack of care from your wife.
Thank you. On my part I should also learn to communicate with her. I'm just tired of being gaslit, which seems to be her natural comeback. Also, one day before my birthday, my dad got admitted to hospital for heart failure. I was really wiped out running errands and worrying for him. Thankfully, his vitals went back to normal after 24 hours. After seeing his health decline did i realize the importance of self-love.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. How is he still holding up? Happy birthday as well. If your wife doesn’t care, you can’t control that. But you don’t want your daughters following that lead if they get married. Perhaps marriage counseling.
My dad is out of danger thankfully. Thank you for the birthday wishes! As for my wife, I shall no longer expect anything. If I want something, I'll buy for myself.
I happy to hear about your dad. Truly. May he fully recover and be in great health for many years to come.
Glad to hear your dad is doing OK!! I know it's so scary. Both my parents have now had heart attacks. Keep your head up! Your wife kind of sucks, but sounds like you love your kids!
I feel you. It's not so easy to just "ask" or "talk to her about how you feel" Sometimes that's just the start to a long winded argument where you are left feeling drained, more hurt and unheard. A defensive partner is very difficult to deal with.
Did you ask her why she didn’t get you anything besides dinner? I’m sorry you didn’t feel appreciated and she seemed to give low effort.
Talking to his wife? What a weird notion.
Happy belated birthday. You’ll have fun for years with your gift.
Thank you! Yes, i'm eagerly waiting for the camera to be delivered. Can't wait!
I’m drooling over the stats on the beauty. The best kind of gifts are the ones you’ll cherish for years.
Did you tell her what you wanted? Would she have even known??
Do not buy her a present next year! Tit for tat
Maybe a nice dinner for her.
At Swensons
Or a Swanson’s frozen dinner lol Happy Birthday, OP! Enjoy your camera!
I hope OP asks the kids where they want to go for wife’s dinner
Exactly so the kids can have their fave ice cream
Swiss orange chip!!!!!
When she complains, just tell her you’re going to put the same energy and effort she puts into your gift. Sorry she didn’t get you anything! Happy birthday. Glad your daughters wrote you sweet cards.
Exactly. I'm all for communication but from OP's comments it looks like his wife isn't really open to discussion. Happy birthday OP 🎂
Happy Birthday !!! :) I have a Chinese mom. I am familiar with the red envelopes from my Chinese gramma when she was alive. :)
The fact that she knows your feelings and disregarded it says a lot man. What conversation is there to be had? I would say just don’t get her expensive gifts anymore. What is yours wife’s work status? Is she a sahm? Or does she work? How did you guys split finances? Those things may play a factor as well.
She works as well n earning similar to my pay. Sometimes she works till late so I'd often handle the kids in the evening. We combine some of our finances for household n save up the rest on our own.
Yeah no excuses then. She just simply didn’t care. I bet if you do talk to her about it she will turn it into a gender war. Just don’t have any expectations for her anymore and give her the same energy she’s given you. Remember actions speak louder than words my friend.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you!
Just wanted to give you massive props for the gift itself! I bought the Blackmagic cinema 6k G2 last year for my work and oh my god I’m in love with it!!!!
I turned 45 yesterday, too! I am very sorry to hear you were disappointed by your wife. I am like you…a thoughtful gift-giver who doesn’t always get much (or anything) in return. It sucks. And some people really just never understand why gifts are so meaningful to us. But your camera sounds great! Happy birthday, OP!!
My husband and I have been together for 49 years, married for 45. Last year we decided that we weren’t doing gifts anymore. We are at the stage in our lives where we are trying to get rid of things and downsize. Also if we want something we just buy it. I am glad we made this decision, it takes the pressure off…LOL! I know it sucks to not have someone you love put any effort into your day. So sorry! Hope you enjoy your new camera.
Live long, OP! Her next birthday gift should be a nice framed photo of a random cat, that you clicked with your new camera & pizza dinner.
Sorry OP does she explain why she doesn’t buy you gifts?
Please don't get her a gift on her next birthday... If she starts complaining, you can do the reverse Uno and see what she says Also, happy birthday!!
Stop. Buying. Her. Gifts.
Happy birthday! You gotta tell her tho. It will eat you up if you don’t. You definitely deserve to be celebrated!
So you've figured out that gift giving isn't her strength and that you can treat yourself to something you want instead of buying her an expensive gift for her birthday and keeping tally. This is within the realm of normal behavior for people who love each other.
Stop buying her gifts.
You know you don’t have to stay with someone who makes you unhappy.
Happy birthday! I’m sorry she let you down.
Happy Birthday! Weird that I'm currently going through the same thing, I also decided to spoil myself.
Happy birthday, OP! I am sorry to hear about this, though. My love language is also gift giving, and I hear where you're coming from. It might be a good idea to sit her down and have a talk about what this actually means for you. I had to have these difficult but necessary conversations with my partner as well. Hopefully, she'll listen and not invalidate your needs/feelings.
Happy birthday op you seem like the type of father kids would be lucky to have ♥️
Sounds like your wife doesn’t need anymore birthday presents either. I spoil my husband on his birthday and every chance I get. We aren’t rich but we are happy. I can’t imagine hurting his feelings on his special day.
Yea , I’ve come to this realization as well, it gets easier . Just say to yourself, only kids get what they want for birthdays, sometimes. After a while it’s Just another year closer to the sweet release of death, married 33 years here 😂
Hey OP, I am so sorry this happened. I'm on the other side of this issue, and I'd like to ask you: My man says he doesn't like a fuss, he doesn't like surprises, big and expensive presents ("If I want something, I buy it for myself" type of guy) and in fact, even said on one of our first dates that he does not like receiving gifts he didn't ask for, because it just takes space and he often never uses it. That said, I didn't want to get him *nothing* for his birthday. I saw a gift I knew would be appreciated, a particular t-shirt that looked cool and had meaning that was personal between us. I ordered it from the website and...they sent the wrong one! I returned it and they refunded me, instead of sending me the proper shirt. So, for his birthday, I was left empty handed. I wanted to take him out somewhere nice, but he said it was rather a thing he'd want to do with me and his friends, but that he didn't want me to organize anything now because "so much is coming up" (summer usually fills our social calendar). So, I never got him anything and I feel terrible about it. Now, we are both really being active and getting back into shape (we are both pretty active/fit, but last winter we overdid it with snacking during the winter), and I was thinking of getting him a specialty Golf Garmin (he loves golfing) which he can also use to track his other physical activities. Do you think I should go for it, even if he specified he doesn't want any surprises? I'm at a loss!
hi, your hubby is really lucky to have u. Perhaps try bringing him out for 'window' shopping and nudge him near to a shop showcasing that specific Garmin watch and see his reaction? If he's keen, his eyes will light up. and thats where u swoop in, tell him "If u love it, i'm gonna get it for you right now as your birthday gift this year." Sometimes, we guys really do not know what we want until it becomes clear to us, and it may take some time. If he really doesn't want/do not want anything, maybe a hand written card with nicely decorated art or something? Main thing, it has to come from your heart, which i know you will. Your hubby should truly appreciate you!
Happy Birthday!! There is nothing wrong with treating yourself. Never feel guilty about treating yourself kindly.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday 🎂 🥳 I hope you enjoy the gift you got yourself and the cards you got from your daughters are very special
Swenson must be in sg
Happy birthday mate, come to Berlin we will smoke a joint and drinks on me haha Like GUS said in “breaking bad”, “you are a man and you should provide, even if you are not liked” A man should provide that’s the things which we are told, and these days I am just hearing stories like this, my brother himself going through a lot because of all that.
Thank you man! Sorry to hear about your brother's plight. I love "breaking bad".. And perhaps on my birthday next year I'll just stand in front of my wife calmly.. "Say my name"
Hahaha, good one man. “You are goddamn right”
Same here OP. I’ve taken my partner on several large vacations, bought her expensive gifts, plan multi day activities for her birthday with multiple friends. I just got a dinner and bowling lol. It’s disappointing and I would like my partner to match the effort I put in. When I tell her I want her to do certain things it turns into a whole ordeal about how she’s my equal and I’m sounding like her dad😂 in other news I got myself a nice e-bike this year for my bday
It hurts my heart hearing stories like this. Your wife couldn't be bothered to do even something SMALL for your birthday??! And 45 is also a milestone in my eyes. Can't believe how you gifted her what she wanted and then she turns her back on you like that. It's a shame. I'm sorry OP Happy belated birthday! I wish you luck in your marriage. The universe felt bad so it did you a solid with the camera. Can't wait to hear about the amazing photos you take with it!! And I agree. Don't expect things from your partner especially if they don't give you even a card on your birthday. Also your daughters are amazing :-)
I would stop giving her birthday gifts. See how she likes it.
Just buy something cheap for her next birthday, it’s the thought that kind anyway.
Happy birthday OP. Your wife doesn’t deserve you. I hope you end up with someone who will love and appreciate you.
Thank you. Though i do hope wife will appreciate me more. But i guess that's wishful thinking. I'm thankful to have 2 loving daughters.
Did she specifically know what you wanted for a gift? Do you flat out tell her? Some people need to be flat out told what to get for a gift. Hints aren't enough. Also, some people show their love in ways other than gift giving. The previous statements both describe me. Personally, I kinda wish gift giving wasn't a thing. It creates just another needless expectation, and opportunity for poor communication and disappointment.
Sounds like we're pretty similar! My husband and I just decided this week we're not going to get each other presents for birthdays/holidays anymore, other than taking the other out to a nice dinner. We just don't like the stress/expectation it creates and we're gonna try to get our families on board too (except the children of course, who should get gifts). Nobody has ever gotten me a gift that I've liked more than a gift I've bought myself because I know exactly what I want/like and others don't. Gifts I've gotten end up unused or just taking up space. I don't like receiving gifts, and I like giving someone a gift if they tell me exactly what they want but I HATE trying to guess.
I agree with all of this! Including children, which I hadn’t originally considered. Yeah, they should definitely get gifts. Children tend to be very direct about what they’d like, and there’s definitely something magical when they receive something. It seems like a very different dynamic than when adults in a relationship try to do gifts. I also have a strange relationship with the whole concept. My mom loves gifts, and is very good at getting meaningful gifts for others. My dad was very much the opposite, and anything we got him for his birthday or Christmas, or whatever, sat unopened for years to decades in the basement, in his literal hoard of trash. So that’ll skew your views. And then of my two siblings, one is a minimalist who doesn’t want to own anything more than a bed and a car, and the other sibling is a maximalist who seems to own pretty much everything they want at this point. So the gift giving/receiving environment I grew up in was… extremely varied. I ended up kinda abandoning the idea of gifts as a measure of relationship quality at a young age. On an unrelated note, and having spent a fair amount of time around violins… I’m pretty sure they work better *dry*…
LMAO I was like, what are you referencing? I forgot about my username. Reddit generated it for me years ago cus I was gonna use it as a throwaway but ended up liking it. I think the violinist is moist, not the violin 🤣
How do you show your partner your love on a birthday? Do you also do nothing at all? I get that choosing presents is difficult, and I struggle with it never feeling good enough, too. But... doing nothing... is far from "showing love in a different way" from my POV. If she made cake/ nice dinner/ wrote him a loving card/ planned a day off for the two of them to "do what he wants/Shop for what he wants"/ give him a massage.... things that Show love in a non-materialistic way, that would have been perfectly fine. But nothing? Dunno, different love language sounds like an excuse in the case of nothing to me.
Well to start, I’m presently single. Have been for about a decade at this point, so the manner in which I show my love for a partner is moot. Having said that, in the event that I find myself *with* a partner, this is one of the things that I communicate *very* early on, because again, communication is key. If you’re someone who appreciates receiving gifts, tell me! And when there are birthdays or other occasions approaching where you’re looking forward to them, again, *tell me!* Don’t hint, don’t beat around the bush. That’s poor communication, and I’m probably not going to get the gift right in the way that you hoped, if you don’t communicate clearly to me. If I’m going to be in a relationship, I guess I put a lot —I mean a *lot*— more stock in the consistent day-to-day. I know if I’m loved and appreciated by how we interact on a daily basis, and over the long term. If I know that I’m loved, I frankly do not need to receive a *thing* as proof. Similarly, if I know that I am not loved, then receiving a *thing* does not improve the condition of the relationship. Although in that case, realistically, the relationship is over by this point anyway. My preference is to be with someone who feels the same. Broadly I think relationships are best built on common ways of expressing and receiving love. I’m certainly not *against* being in a relationship with someone who prefers to receive gifts at times, but again, *tell me*, early and often what you’re looking forward to receiving, so that I can do this for you. If you try to rely on hints, *I will probably get it wrong somehow*. Now you’re unhappy because I failed to express my love for you in the way you need, and I’m unhappy because I feel that the 365 days of the year where I’ve worked to express and demonstrate my love are invalidated because of my failure on *one* of those days. I dunno. Gifts seem to hold far too much “value” relative to the more mundane aspects of relationships, IMO. It has the ability to make what *should* be a natural, organic bond between people oddly transactional, if that makes sense. But much like I would prefer to have a relationship who feels the same as me, I would also recommend that someone who loves giving and receiving gifts should look to be with someone else who does, too. I imagine that a person who really appreciates receiving gifts is has a much better intuition with regards to *giving* them, and can much better integrate their understanding of their partner with that method of expressing love. Different strokes, and all that. As to OP’s post, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I think there’s one of two things going on in his relationship. Either: 1) OP’s wife does not express love through gifts, in which case I think it’s important for OP to be aware of this, and maybe this is an opportunity to deepen their understanding of each other, thereby strengthening their relationship or… 2) …OP’s wife *does* express her love through gifts, and her seeming indifference here is indicative of some underlying unhappiness with the relationship, which would be pretty important to know about, given the fact that they’re *married*, presumably with the intention of seeing this marriage through for the long term. You can call me Get_your_grape_juice, Doctor of Love.
Happy belated day of birth... I agree with the other comments that said for you to not get her anything for her next birthday and if she says anything just tell her that you got her the same thing she got you... IMO....she isn't giving as much into the relationship as you are.... unless specifically requested cash for you to buy what you want yourself isn't the same as asking you/searching for the perfect gift for you...
Happy birthday! I have a man who doesn't care about making me happy and will gaslight me if I communicate my needs. It sucks. We deserve better. Glad you got yourself something nice and that you have your daughters to show you love.
I love my birthday and can tell you love yours. It is the one day out of the year we can celebrate ourselves. Happy Birthday!!!
祝你生日快乐兄弟
Happy birthday OP, click amazing pictures
Enjoy the BMPCC OP! Kinda funny how I got myself a Sony A7IV for my birthday a couple months back as well
Happy belated birthday OP! May the universe bless you abundance of happiness and more sweet memories!
Happy birthday buddy. You seem like a great guy and deserve all the good things.
May you have at least another 45 prosperous and healthy years.
Happy bday OP! I think you need to really sit down with your wife and have a chat, but judging from your reply to people it seems like you have reservations? Or perhaps too timid to speak up? Seems like there’s more to the story
I feel like you shouldn't need to tell your partner to be thoughtful on your birthday. Unless there's a reason that she can't financially do it, I don't understand this at all. I'd likely stop buying her gifts and do the same thing she does. Just pick a place for dinner. And if she complains about it, I'd tell her that your efforts were not returned by her. You can't just take take take and never give. That's selfish.
Happy happy birthday, OP. May your next year be prosperous and kind.
Happy birthday OP. If you'll accept this piece of mind that i have for you, it's this : communication is always underrated, even for the simplest things. We tend to brush off so many little things in our life because we feel like talking about them or talking to the person linked to them isn't that important, and it just piles up and piles up until our emotions explode. Your frustration is valid. Expecting a gift on your birthday from your wife isn't selfish or arrogant. Expecting something nice because you gave her something nice isn't unfair. But you must communicate those feelings to her, and really listen to her side as well. What happens in her head and her decision regarding gifts comes from her and her only. You're not a mind reader, people can change, or have bad days / weeks / months , etc. Even if at the end of the conversation you disagree, you might learn something that you didn't know about how she feels currently or how she feels about this issue. Even if you disagree, the conversation might set the first stone towards some form of compromise. All relationships fluctuate and evolve in time. Sometimes, it's okay to stop and re-evaluate, without judgement, to be sure we are walking on the same path, and if not, how we can fix it together.
First of all, wishing you a very happy birthday 🎉! Second I am a woman but in the same situation and for the last few years I started buying gifts for myself instead of for my hubby and completely stopped expecting him and the best thing I did for myself. I completely understand your point that when you can afford to buy a $5000 gift for your partner, it's not about you can't buy the things for yourself. It's just the day u want to feel special or at least want to see your partner make an effort to do so
Happy BirthDay, if you really love her and are happy with her continue to get her gifts . I’ve learned that sometimes people we love just don’t meet up to our expectations and we really can’t blame them for that. Always have a giving heart and God will reward you with more than you can imagine .
This is so true. I m still learning to let go of expectations. Thank you.
The basic expectation of at least a bday card from your partner? Sorry but you can blame them. If people can't even do the simplest things for you then that's on them and you don't have to accept this kind of excuse. It's so inconsiderate. Even the parents reminded her of a gift. Always having a giving heart is nice but it doesn't mean other people shouldn't consider your feelings.
Peoples love languages are different but she could have made an effort, even if it was a trip away or a watch or something. She didn’t even get him a card. Her parents even stated that she should get him something big that he really wants due to the cost and meaning of the present he got her. There’s no effort from her end, so why should she receive anymore presents.
:( you don’t sound like a douche for asking for expecting a gift on your birthday. I’m sorry that happened.
Should never be about gifts either way. I've been with my wife for ten years, 3 kids. We buy gifts for each other when we can afford nice gifts. We don't do tat gifts, so if we can't afford something nice, it's usually a card, breakfast in bed, and stuff that the kids have made for us. I normally ask for a "manly" drinks bottle and get quite excited each year to throw my old one away and get a new one. Even socks, never appreciated getting new socks or underwear till I became a dad 😅. It's a mutual agreement between us both, and no offence is ever taken. We couldn't give a crap. It's more about the kids. We're a team and spend our "gifting" money towards holidays or school holiday breaks. My wife's mum is very materialistic and becomes "off" with her should she only receive a card. I can't stand those sort of people, like who in their right mind expects others to buy gifts for them? I just can't get my head around this 21st-century concept. Gifts entitlement is a disorder whereby a person, for absolutely no reason at all expects another, In some cases, people they don't even know, to spend their hard earned money to give them something expensive on a random day, which coincidentally is the same day of a specific month that they emerged from their mother's vagina. Big F'ing whoop, you were born! Yaaay! Now crawl back in there and take your high horse self entitlement with you 😅. You can see my passive stance on the whole gifting affair 😅. Now I've got that off my chest 😅. If you think your wife is not sharing the considerations, then speak to her, not the people of reddit. Tell her exactly how you feel, "Can I speak to you? Yes? Okay, why is it that you don't even get me a card for my birthday?" Don't mention that your gifts are considerably more than hers as your choice of gift is on you not her, but the whole not even a card fiasco needs challenging as she's either she's become accustomed to you bearing the burden, she doesn't care enough to consider you or she's mad busy and an environment has been created by the both of you whereby she thinks you're not actually bothered by gifts so why spend money unnecessarily.
Maybe she’s struggling financially? Idk, but my husband and I used to do expensive nights out for birthdays pre kids. We don’t do that now and with kids, I can’t really afford to (yes we share expenses but I make less). My husband has expensive taste. My bank account doesn’t. My husband gets disappointed sometimes that I don’t buy him something for his birthday (we still do dinner but less fancy than we used to), but I often buy him other thoughtful gifts throughout the year. Most of his gifts to me are food related. It’s his love language. It’s not mine but I don’t get upset over it. Maybe just talk to her and ask her why? It could be her love language. It could be financial as women tend to earn less than men even if they have equivalent jobs. Also, it could just be the mental load of motherhood - it’s a lot in the younger years and she might have just been too tired to think of something. Don’t chalk it up to not caring. It’s a difficult conversation to have but if you love each other it’s worth having and learning from.
happy birthday bud
Do you talk to your wife with how you feel? The hand made birthday cards from your daughters most probably from your wife telling them about your birthday.
Have you ever tell her how you felt about gift giving?
Happy birthday! Also you don’t sound like a douche for wanting a bday gift from your wife. I think I’d be sad too if I didn’t even get a card or anything from my partner as well. You are human it’s ok to feel that way. I hope you enjoy your gift you bought yourself!
Happy Birthday OP! Let us know how the camera is working out!
You're such a loving dad to think of your kids on your birthday.
happy birthday! i do think you should sit her down and talk about how you wanted her to make you feel special as a husband, not just father of her child. i dont think the responds of "dont give her a gift next year" is very helpful tbh. its better just to talk. cuz im sure it isnt out of maliciousness, i think she just forgot how important it is to make your lover feel like a lover
happy late birthday op! i know the obvious reddit reply is “you two need to communicate better” but im 99% you have thought of that and tried already. im sorry. im glad your sweet daughters are there for you! and i think its a good thing to treat yourself as well… hope the camera it good, it sounds fancy! lol
Do you routinely buy yourself whatever you want? My husband was impossible to buy for because of this, but I always made him his favorite cake and gave him a party of some sort.
I’m sorry OP. I love giving gifts. Small, large… frugal/extravagant - my gifts are well thought out, something unexpected and really wanted. It sucks when the receiver makes it so difficult to make the effort or doesn’t not even try to reciprocate.
Time to dial it back next year
Happy birthday to you.
Happy Birthday! 🎂 did you get the Birthday Boy at Swenson’s at least?
So sorry to hear this, especially since both of my parents still get each other nice things for their birthdays and they've been married since 2000. Have you tried talking to your wife and telling her how you feel, OP? Might be worth a shot. Happy birthday, though! <3
I cannot imagine not buying a gift for my bf/husband on their birthday, fathers day and Xmas....honestly even toward the end when we did not get on at all, I always got him a gift. Damn, I sent my kid with a birthday gift for him last week and he doesn't talk to me or reciprocate! It is not a gender thing. Does she have access to money? Happy Birthday OP
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP
I can't imagine not making a big deal of my husbands birthday. He never gives me any ideas, so I'm always paying attention to what he likes and needs. He's always pleased with whatever he gets. Its not too much to ask of her, and I'm sorry you've been repeatedly disappointed. I'm glad you got yourself something you really wanted. I hope you have a happy birthday, OP. 🥳
Happy Birthday OP. Your wife sounds like she just takes and takes. I'm sorry.
Happy Birthday OP. It’s rough when your efforts aren’t matched. You deserve an equal partnership.
Happy birthday OP! You deserve a nice day. We go all out for birthdays in my house. My husband shared a birthday week with both his siblings growing up and it was hard for him. He never felt like he had his own day so I try to make every birthday and Father’s Day amazing. Maybe this weekend find a few minutes and sit wife down and say “what’s up with lack of planning on my birthday?” Don’t be joking or offhand. Say it seriously and with true seeking to understand where she’s coming from. See what she says and go from there. It’s not okay for her to make you feel unloved. I’m so happy your girls made you sweet cards. For now, enjoy that camera. You earned it!
Happy birthday buddy. I was with my partner for a long time (2005 until 2023) and he always failed me on my birthday. It's never fun.
Happy Birthday Sir!!
Hate to say this in case it causes more hope, then more disappointment but maybe she's planned a surprise. Or got you something and waiting on it to arrive but didn't want to spoil it. Just maybe.
Happy late birthday, man! You deserve to be celebrated, I'm sorry your wife disappoints you. Maybe it's time to have a conversation about it, if you haven't already? At the beginning of our marriage, my husband didn't really get me gifts even though I took literal months to plan his out and try to give him really thought out gifts. I told him I didn't feel appreciated or celebrated on my birthday from the one person who was supposed to support me and be in my corner. He went from not getting me anything to getting me holiday presents, birthday presents, and just random little gifts. I hope if you have this conversation with your wife she is as receptive as my husband. I wish you the best, friend!
Happy related birthday. And good for you on not sulking in this situation. I'm sorry that you felt underappreciated on your birthday. It's a terrible feeling. But that 6K camera should be amazing.
Your wife is very thoughtless. I would stop buying her nice birthday gifts and see how she reacts. What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander!
Well next year for her bday get her dinner and nothing else. Sounds petty but 💁🏿♀️ that’s not fair.
Happy birthday!!
hey, happy birthday op, I'm so sorry to hear that but have you tried talking with her about how you feel? and if that doesn't work you could try couple therapy.
Happy Birthday from another Swenson’s lover! That’s the thing I miss most from home after moving to the west coast. Do something nice for yourself every day this week, you deserve it!
Happy Birthday! It could be worse. She could get you expensive gifts that you hate. That’s what my husband did for years until I finally pounded it into him that he is not allowed to buy me anything over $30 that isn’t fully refundable without asking me first. Have you had a conversation with her about this? Clearly it’s important to you. She may just be afraid she will get you the wrong thing.
happy belated birthday! if i were you, i would stop giving her gifts
Happy birthday, neighbor! I assume you live somewhere in my general area from the Swenson's name drop 😅
First, happy birthday! I hope you have this conversation with your wife. You both deserve to feel supported and loved fully in your relationship.
Happy bday!! She gifted her true colors. She knew too so it’s just mean to do that. I’m glad your daughters still gave you gifts, they should be seeing from her how to treat the one you love, not how to ignore that someone loves you.
1st of all happy birthday frm argentina <3. 2nd man, don't buy her anything and spend the money u would spend on her gift, on whatever u want 4 u instead
Happy birthday, OP. I hope you have fun developing projects and making memories with your kids with that camera. You’re worth it, full price! Your daughters sound really sweet too, which is heartwarming to hear despite a rather cruel, distant birthday from your wife where silence rings indifference. You’re also worth a hong bao, way more than that. If your wife won’t even listen to her own parents about how thoughtful your birthday gift was to her, her thoughtlessness w/o explanation is selfish enough to honestly wonder if she’s checked out. Is she immature about emotions and changed little over the course of marriage? If you’ve grown in a way she can’t, and isn’t curious enough, to value you as someone worth understanding, your resentment grows too.
I’m truly sorry for the disappointment you felt and it is something you can feel sad about. I’ve experienced this before with past boyfriends. And even though my family, friends, and current partner are great, I still get myself something on my birthday and big events. I’m not one to ever tell them I want something expensive and expect someone to buy it for me. This way I get what I want, I’m not disappointed, and anything else is a bonus gift 🎁 Happy late birthday! I hope you never have a sad one again ❤️
Happy birthday 🎉
Happy birthday!!!
Happy Birthday. May you live to be old enough that your mere presence scares young children! 🎂
You have two choices here. Accept that she will never give you a gift and be okay with it. Or sit down with your wife and tell her you are disappointed she didn't give you a gift (and never does). Ask her if she would prefer from this point on to do no gifts between the two of you for birthdays. If she says she wants to do gifts, let her know that's fine, but if you don't receive a gift next year, you will assume gift-giving has come to an end.
Happy Birthday OP!
Happy belated birthday, I hope your wife realizes what type of man she has and treats you the way you deserve. It’s so funny that if you did what she did to you, It wouldn’t have been the same reaction from her. Many years ago, I told my girlfriend at the time. You can get me whatever you want, just as long as you try to get me something. Like put some thought into it and try and think what I would love. She took that and got me a Winnie the Pooh bear… not exactly what I would have wanted but ok, then she tells me it was an old toy they had for years for her cats… I was livid. I think you should be livid too, but I can respect your self control. I’m glad your daughters got you something to make it better.
That camera will be awesome!! In regards to your wife I think just saying how it made you feel would help. My fiancé is also bad with gifts he has no clue how to give gifts the whole idea scares him a lot because he would rather play it safe than get something I might be disappointed with. I think for her she feels maybe since you're the guy in the relationship that you don't need to be given presents or nice things (very ridiculous in my opinion but honestly my mom was like this too). I think just talking and telling her what you'd be interested in and how if it doesn't change she won't receive nice presents anymore. I think that would help a lot to give her perspective and just to say that gifts are a love language and that they show that she does think and care about you. Best of luck OP.
Happy Birthday🖤
Figured you were looking for the standard once a year bj.. a camera is probably way better.. happy birthday op.
Happy birthday! But before I even read it I knew your wife was Asian. 😂 I was raised in a predominantly Asian neighborhood and all my school friends were Asian kids. Have heard this story so many times from those households. Not even the kids get nice presents, just the selfish Mom… is it cultural??!
Happy belated birthday, OP! I don't seem to understand this. Even when I was broke, I made sentimental gifts for my partners, and when I had the money, I always went for something I knew they would really enjoy. A year pass for snowboarding (jeesh those aren't cheap) a PS4 (when it came out) the VR set for the PS4, or just a bunch of things I knew they had been looking at or would benefit a hobby of theirs whether I liked that hobby or not. This was on top of bringing them to eat their favorite food. I always love spoiling the man in my life so long as it's mutual. But to me, it sounds like you do for her, but she doesn't do for you, and that's heartbreaking.
Happy Birthday OP! You are taken for grantwd, like most husbands. I think you should focus more on yourself, take care of yourself, exercise and eat healthy. Nothing generates immediate appreciation and attention from your wife like taking care of yourself and being more attractive to other women. It's sad but its the truth. Currently, she believes that you cannot replace her and while that is true in most cases, its the same reason why you / we are taken for granted. I'm sure not ALL women are like that but we are talking in general. This is an evolutionary trait.
I’m a divorcee, but every holiday and birthday I showed up with gifts and care. If I couldn’t afford a gift I would make one. It’s also my love language though. But as a veteran who has traveled to Asia several times, I’m shocked at the no gift as I thought that was a huge thing in Chinese culture like the red envelope. Anyways, Happy Birthday OP and congratulations on that sweet camera. You also seem like a great dad! Take that to heart.
I feel your pain, OP. My love language is gifts. My husband? Last on his list. Not only do I love getting gifts, I'm equally excited to give them. He detests both. It's honestly caused enough issues in our marriage that we had some counseling about it. His mother hated gifts. His father bought extravagant ones. Lots of drama in his childhood about gift giving and returning, and its a trigger for him. So ours is a little complicated. So where does that leave the pro-gift person in the relationship? Sadly, I don't know. I still get terrible gifts. Or none. Sometimes, I cry about it at holidays, honestly. We used to make lists, but I kind of stopped because it wasn't really the point. We can just buy things for ourselves. Gifting is more about appreciation of the other person, seeing who they are, being thoughtful. Running down a list out of obligation really misses the point. The only thing that kind of worked was to have a talk framing it in terms of my husband's top love language which is quality time. I asked him to imagine a relationship where I never spent time with him. Where we would have a special occasion to be together, but I wouldn't show up. Or spend the whole thing on my phone not paying attention. He started to understand. I've asked family to help him for birthdays and other occasions. So far we have not had much progress, but our marriage is great otherwise. I do understand how you feel, though. Try to talk to your wife. Get ready for a knee-jerk "what adult needs a GIFT?!" Keep calm. Explain what it means to you Happy birthday! Good luck.
Happy Birthday OP! Go on short vacay to make use of that camera. You sound like a loving man and a great role model to the kids, and you deserve to be rewarded for that. Go go go!
Happy birthday OP. I hope you enjoy the camera. I learned this lesson as well from my late husband. Every holiday birthday or anything I would get nothing when I would always get something for him and our child even if I made it myself. 20 plus years of that will teach you not to expect anything from anyone.
Happy Birthday and stop buying your wife big ticket birthday presents. Make her something next year and for your birthday skip the dinner. Give her a day off and take your girls on a nice trip somewhere
Happy belated BIRTHDAY OP 💐🎂 wishing you a life time of good fortune , wealth, health and happiness. As for what you gift your wife for presents in future, put the same effort and energy into her celebrations as she puts in to yours. Match her energy. Next year don't get her a gift or card. Just take her to lunch or dinner with the kids. (I seriously hope she paid for your meal at least). Don't overly spoil someone with gifts etc if they refuse to do put the same effort into your birthdays etc
Happy birthday, OP!! I don’t care how many excuses a person makes, or how someone might say gift giving is or isn’t a person strength. It has to do with simple respect and consideration. I hope you can sit down and talk to your wife about it and that she receives the message well and changes her mediocre efforts!
My husband and I are the exact opposite. He hates celebrating birthdays (he’s a middle child whose parents were merely negligent on a good day). Meanwhile, I LOVE making a big deal for birthdays. For my 40th last year, he, again, did nothing while all my friends’ spouses were planning big birthday bashes and fun trips. So I booked a weekend at Old Edwards Inn and Spa in Highlands, NC. In the notes section, I let it be known that my husband forgot my 40th birthday, so I booked this trip for myself. Husband came with me on the trip and EVERY SINGLE STAFF MEMBER went out of their way to tell me happy birthday. It was phenomenal and my spouse told me later that he felt like a heel all weekend, so that was a bonus.
It was my birthday yesterday too- after years of my family not doing anything for me and just giving me gift cards, they threw me an actual party yesterday. Maybe the same will happen to you OP. Happy birthday! Next year I’ll blow out a candle wishing you get a gift!
Gifts destroy value. Unless previously discussed, the receiver will not place as high a value in the item as the giver does. So yes, buy yourself the thing you want. But, do not have the expectation for your wife to do this or know it is what you want. Have a good dinner, maybe some place nice, just with her, and be grateful for the time alone without the kiddos! My wife does not work. In a roundabout way, if she did buy me something, it is with my money anyways, haha! I'll have a porsche gt3 please. The 1/64 die cast model, lol.
This is fkn lame. Happy cake day op
Marriage isn’t transactional. While I understand your disappointment, it sounds like you feel love when someone gives you gifts, even small ones like the cards your daughters gave you. Because that is how you feel love, that’s how you express love. But what if that’s not what makes your wife feel loved? What if she feels empty because she doesn’t feel like you are loving her the way she needs to be loved? And likewise you feel exactly the same? This could be resolved if you both discovered what makes you feel loved and work on expressing love to one another in that way.
Yep, I got a glass water bottle for my last birthday. The kids made some artwork for me that I loved plus my wife made breakfast and we went to dinner so it was a nice day. Plus usually if I need or want something I’ll just go buy it. I’m a 40+ year old man I am only giving gifts to little kids and my wife and I hope other adults don’t buy me things bc I damn sure didn’t get them anything. To me giving gifts is the lowest form of affection and the laziest of them all unless the gift is something extravagant. I do buy my wife and kids nice gifts and love being able to give them something nice but I don’t expect that to be reciprocated. Gift giving is more for the giver than the receiver anyway imo but I don’t really get a whole lot out of doing either. I like your attitude about it and feel where you’re coming from. Sometimes it would be nice to get hooked up on your birthday but I guess those days are long gone lol! Happy birthday buddy!
Happy birthday!! I’m sorry you were not treated the way you deserved to be. You should 100% return her energy. Next year for her birthday take the family to Swenson’s and …. that’s it. Just dinner. If you keep giving without receiving you are teaching her that it is ok to shit on you.
Is she a gift giver usually? I’m not a gift giver and I usually have to ask people for what they want, and if they don’t tell me I won’t give anything.
Happy birthday OP🎉 I’m sorry you had a disappointing birthday but hope you take some time for yourself, by yourself🙏🏽
Happy BD OP. Well at least you know what to gift your wife for her BD, and that it s NOTHING. If she doesn't care of do not have the touch well you can do the same
Happy birthday my brother..and stop showerring gift if you dont get the same treatment back..casually bring this up in open with right communication and say your dissapointment in this situation but with neutral tone.."babe, i did this for your birthday and i expect a little bit for mine. But this is quite saddening on how subpar the present you gives compared to mine.. I dont mind going big because i love you, but this really dissapoint me on cuz it seems i did a lot but you barely trying”….make this sentences neutral as neutral as possible even tho it is quite aggresive…LOL…but make sure u do not laugh
Happy birthday OP. The thing is in a marriage you should never, ever stop dating. Never get complacent. Never assume mediocrity and not bothering is “normal”. It isn’t about material stuff of course but effort and consideration and she’s displayed neither with this. I’m so sorry. My suggestion would be to let her know that this has hurt you and you want to feel loved and desired. Caveat it with it’s not about the cost (because I suspect if she made you an amazing album of all your favourite photos and memories together you would be stoked) but it’s about feeling like she cares and wants to share something special with you. OP you’re awesome. My kids home made crafts are my favourite things ever too.
For my ex bfs bday I bought him multiple gifts he wanted and when mine came around he didn’t even wish me happy birthday. Really hurtful 😢 sorry you went through this have you tried bringing it up with her?
Missed your birthday but happy cakeday regardless OP !!
Sounds like the perfect way to get what you want for your birthday treat. Glad your daughters are not picking up your wife's habits. Can I also suggest that you stop giving your wife gifts and cards because she is clearly telling you that she doesn't care about birthdays.
Happy Late Birthday Op 🎂🎂
Happy Late Birthday Op 🎂🎂
No gift for her either then. A happy birthday to you, and a kiss on the forehead for your children
Happy Birthday OP! I just wanted to say that my (v recently now ex) expressed his disappointment in how infrequently I reciprocate gift-giving and he feels unappreciated and a bit used. I was so grateful that he communicates how he felt, I didn't mean to neglect him in that way but that's besides the point. The next day I treated him to lunch and took him shopping :) I also made more of an effort with more frequents gestures of appreciation. Hopefully, if your wife loves you and is caring about the state of your marriage, she will be receptive if you communicate how you feel too ?
Happy Birthday OP! Have fun with your new camera, and I’m glad that you got cards from your daughters. Don’t buy your wife any gift next year. She looks like she doesn’t care.
I’m sorry. It sounds like she’s being selfish with her money. It great that you buy something that makes you happy, but it should have came from her. She will 💯complain if you don’t get a gift, and that’s going to cause (changed case to cause: edit) resentment. If you have insurance or am able to get insurance, y’all need to get couples therapy. This kind of selfishness, and inconsideration, and disappointment is only going to cause problems in the future. She’s your wife, but I would her an email with your thoughts.
Happy birthday Gemini brother🤙🏾
Happy Belated Birthday OP!
Happy birthday dude
Happy belated birthday op! Glad you treated yourself. I don’t know anything else about your relationship but I would definitely communicate the hurt and disappointment this caused. She’s your wife and loves you (I assume.) If this is something you need from her, you need to communicate it or you’re going to be abandoned in this way for the rest of your life!
Happy Birthday OP! I hope the next year is magical for you!
Happy birthday 🥳
I feel you man I do the same each year then I hope to get something good and end up with a garden hose or something so I joke around now that I'm getting her an iron. Buy her what ever she wants 5k massage chair no questions asked not even birthday then j question myself spending 1500 on a 3d printer. Happy birthday man I'll have a drink for ya
Happy belated birthday!
First of all…Happy birthday! Secondly, you’re doing the right thing. Taking care of your family, your father. A great life lesson for your two amazing daughters. Thirdly, your wife not remembering your birthday or making a point of it however small. Hurts to read. Enduring. This is something that you shouldn’t in a relationship in this context. You two are both grown ups (with kids). Both of you should be able to talk frankly and directly about hard things, specially in a marriage. I wonder what else you’ve been “enduring” over the years as a “man”. Hopefully not much.
It's not the gift, it's knowing that someone is thinking about you. Have a Happy Birthday OP.
I have been trying to set a good example for my husband each year regarding gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but it hasn't worked. He never gives me gifts. I call him gift impaired.
I'm late, but happy belated birthday OP
Sounds like your daughters really appreciate you and that is everything!