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Are you married to this partner? If so, marriage counseling/ financial counseling.
If you're not married, this is not the kind of partner you want to "hitch your wagon to" so to speak.
Financial incompatibility is one of the biggest causes for divorce.
This is a r/relationships question and not a personal finance question.
I get that op now has a tie to the guy for the better part of 2 decades to come if he pushes for paternal rights but that's a far different can of worms than being the breadwinner and owing alimony, half of assets, etc. If OP is truly dealing with drugs, booze, unemployment, and mental health struggles then this fella's role in the child's life will be limited without improvement that is administered by a family court. Sounds like a win win honestly.
>I have taken care of us and all living expenses just myself and him for the first four years and also the past three, no complaints
Why? Why hasn't your partner been working for 7 years?
>He fully blew up about how the money was ‘HIS’ , paid one major bill and splurged some on alcohol and recreational drugs and the rest on an investment that has proven futile over the years
Do what is best for you and your child and leave.
'Blow ups', drug use, alcohol, not working...
I get not wanting to leave a partner because of mental health concerns but if they're truly not capable of improvement or control of the above then they need inpatient treatment and if they're unwilling then OP needs to leave. Either way get that child away.
Someone who has a habit of using alcohol and recreational drugs is not someone with whom you’re going to have a bright financial future. Just leave. It’s the right thing for your child. They don’t need to live in a home being exposed to substance abuse.
If you really want to stay together, sit down and discuss a plan. Lay out all of the shared expenses so he can see what he will owe each month (I'd recommend a 50%/50% split). If he refuses, then leave.
From what you've already described, I don't know why you would keep trying to make it work anyway, and I think you might as well start making plans to leave anyway.
Do you guys have a shared account? My husband and I deposit all salaries into a shared account, we have separate retirement funds, one portfolio of stocks for the both of us, and then two separate ones we had before we got married that we use for our individual interests. We pay all bills on a CC and then pay that off monthly with our shared account. We track everything in a spreadsheet with spending, which we update monthly along with our gains as well as forecasting for the future. BUT we are both very conscious about finances and we are aligned with spending.
This sounds glorious. I don’t mind my situation too as she “lets” me handle all finances. We pool all our finances together and I pay off all the cards and handle Roth IRAs and moving money to HYSA etc.
My wife didn’t even know she had a Roth IRA I opened for her in 2017 for like fives years and it was maxed each year lol.
She is good with spending though. So it works for us. She just has no interests in handling any of the finances and bills and let’s me do it all.
Have you sat down and communicated on your financial needs, savings goals, and wants and how money will be allocated as a household or are you just going to hope things have changed from the last time he got paid and justified booze and drugs?
The fact that happened a month ago with a child in the picture after years of spousal support tells me you're further away from a happy home than 1 or 2 money talks...
How you allocate money and questions about that are great topics here. How you get a partner with mental health issues to not go on a drug bender when they get paid is not I am afraid.
You paid all the bills for 4 years and now that he's making money he sees no reason why he should start paying bills because clearly you can afford it. You're also perfectly okay with throwing your inheritance into the money pit that he calls an investment. Why should he change? I mean I agree that he should but in his mind he's not going to want to and if you push this he's going to figure he might as well move out! Which I think would be great actually because then you wouldn't be throwing your money into the money pit that is his life!
But the problem is when one person supports the other person for too long sometimes the person who was skating by for free doesn't want to change even after they get a job. I mean you should try to sit down with him and say that you want to talk this through before his next paycheck comes and it's only fair that he pays at least half of the bills now that he's making money. He's going to throw a fit because he wants to continue to live for free and he doesn't see any reason why he should help you.
The problem is the guy's selfish. Maybe you can get him to think clearly but most likely he's going to throw a fit and eventually move out. Which again is a good thing!
Try to get that inheritance money back.. like you might need to sue him for that but you need to do it!
I don't know what NDX is, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. I'd be separating my whole life from that person, not just finances.
You omitted a lot of important details, so I'll keep this short: Assuming you take home X and he takes home Y, you should pay X to Y ratio of shared expenses. Meaning if you take home 100k and he takes home 50k, you should pay 2/3rd of shared expenses, and he pays the remainder. Shared expenses are rent, utilities, groceries. Then each of you pays for your own phone, car, car insurance, hobbies, investments, etc. Simple. Effective. (You can also make a shared account for shared expenses that you both automatically contribute to.)
This is a good method. Just need to agree on “shared expenses” that follow the ratio expense method. Typically (housing, utilities, kid related expenses, food, shared vehicles, and shared entertainment) would come in play.
Unsolicited side note: Sounds like a POS if you been financially supporting them for so long and they flip out when you ask them to contribute.
This guy is not going to agree on "shared expenses." She needs to get to the point emotionally where she knows she has to leave. A child should not be around substance abuse. This guy is a total loser and there's no redeeming value in staying with him.
Get married , get a joint account.
Boom.
If those two don’t work for you I suggest not cohabiting unmarried since you get all sorts of issues like this.
No way I’d let someone who blows his first paycheck in 3 years on booze and drugs have access to my money.
OP: why are you with this dude? He’s unable to take care of you, himself, or your child. I don’t mean in a “they-must-be-the-breadwinner” way. I mean, he seems to fundamentally lack the responsibility and understanding necessary for being a functional member of a family. What does he contribute?
Your post has been removed because personal advice topics are off-topic here and better suited for other subreddits ([rule 9](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/about/rules)). - For general advice, consider /r/Advice. - For relationship advice, consider /r/relationships, /r/relationship_advice, /r/JUSTNOFAMILY, or one of the subreddits in their sidebars. - For career or job advice, consider /r/jobs, /r/CareerGuidance, /r/findapath, or [one of these job-related subreddits](/r/jobs/wiki/related/discussion). - For education advice, consider /r/Parenting for primary and secondary education questions (or one of the subreddits [linked here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/wiki/other_subreddits#wiki_education)) and /r/ApplyingToCollege for tertiary education questions (or one of the subreddits linked in their sidebar) - For medical advice, please talk to your primary care doctor, but /r/AskDocs may be helpful. *If you decide to post elsewhere, please read the subreddit rules before reposting. Some subreddits have strict requirements for submissions.* Submissions removed for this reason typically include one or more of these off-topic aspects: We don't allow relationship or personal advice discussions. That includes: * Content better suited for /r/relationships * Recommending a poster end their relationship or start a new relationship * Posts about suicide or violence * Posts asking for advice on how to convince someone else to change their behavior * Relationship drama not essential to a question or discussion * Family planning advice, especially unsolicited or flippant * Career, job, and education questions * Medical advice *If you have questions about this removal, please [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fpersonalfinance&subject=Removal%20help%20request&message=Hello%20moderators,%20.%20%0a%0a%0aMy%20submission:%20https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/1dp205z/how_do_we_split_finances_in_the_household/%0a).*
Are you married to this partner? If so, marriage counseling/ financial counseling. If you're not married, this is not the kind of partner you want to "hitch your wagon to" so to speak. Financial incompatibility is one of the biggest causes for divorce. This is a r/relationships question and not a personal finance question.
She's hitched. They have a kid.
You are aware that you can procreate without a marriage certificate, right?
A kid is still hitched. Not as much but hitched.
I get that op now has a tie to the guy for the better part of 2 decades to come if he pushes for paternal rights but that's a far different can of worms than being the breadwinner and owing alimony, half of assets, etc. If OP is truly dealing with drugs, booze, unemployment, and mental health struggles then this fella's role in the child's life will be limited without improvement that is administered by a family court. Sounds like a win win honestly.
A kid makes you more hitched than a marriage certificate. You can get rid of the marriage, but you can’t get rid of a baby daddy.
>I have taken care of us and all living expenses just myself and him for the first four years and also the past three, no complaints Why? Why hasn't your partner been working for 7 years? >He fully blew up about how the money was ‘HIS’ , paid one major bill and splurged some on alcohol and recreational drugs and the rest on an investment that has proven futile over the years Do what is best for you and your child and leave.
'Blow ups', drug use, alcohol, not working... I get not wanting to leave a partner because of mental health concerns but if they're truly not capable of improvement or control of the above then they need inpatient treatment and if they're unwilling then OP needs to leave. Either way get that child away.
You’ve got bigger issues than how to split finances
Not a finance question. The better way to go about things is to move on from this loser, imo
Someone who has a habit of using alcohol and recreational drugs is not someone with whom you’re going to have a bright financial future. Just leave. It’s the right thing for your child. They don’t need to live in a home being exposed to substance abuse.
If you really want to stay together, sit down and discuss a plan. Lay out all of the shared expenses so he can see what he will owe each month (I'd recommend a 50%/50% split). If he refuses, then leave. From what you've already described, I don't know why you would keep trying to make it work anyway, and I think you might as well start making plans to leave anyway.
Do you guys have a shared account? My husband and I deposit all salaries into a shared account, we have separate retirement funds, one portfolio of stocks for the both of us, and then two separate ones we had before we got married that we use for our individual interests. We pay all bills on a CC and then pay that off monthly with our shared account. We track everything in a spreadsheet with spending, which we update monthly along with our gains as well as forecasting for the future. BUT we are both very conscious about finances and we are aligned with spending.
This sounds glorious. I don’t mind my situation too as she “lets” me handle all finances. We pool all our finances together and I pay off all the cards and handle Roth IRAs and moving money to HYSA etc. My wife didn’t even know she had a Roth IRA I opened for her in 2017 for like fives years and it was maxed each year lol. She is good with spending though. So it works for us. She just has no interests in handling any of the finances and bills and let’s me do it all.
That sounds like a cohesive situation, which is awesome. Anyone would be lucky to have a surprise IRA opened for them.lol! Good man!
I figured it was a benefit to us both.
Have you sat down and communicated on your financial needs, savings goals, and wants and how money will be allocated as a household or are you just going to hope things have changed from the last time he got paid and justified booze and drugs? The fact that happened a month ago with a child in the picture after years of spousal support tells me you're further away from a happy home than 1 or 2 money talks... How you allocate money and questions about that are great topics here. How you get a partner with mental health issues to not go on a drug bender when they get paid is not I am afraid.
You paid all the bills for 4 years and now that he's making money he sees no reason why he should start paying bills because clearly you can afford it. You're also perfectly okay with throwing your inheritance into the money pit that he calls an investment. Why should he change? I mean I agree that he should but in his mind he's not going to want to and if you push this he's going to figure he might as well move out! Which I think would be great actually because then you wouldn't be throwing your money into the money pit that is his life! But the problem is when one person supports the other person for too long sometimes the person who was skating by for free doesn't want to change even after they get a job. I mean you should try to sit down with him and say that you want to talk this through before his next paycheck comes and it's only fair that he pays at least half of the bills now that he's making money. He's going to throw a fit because he wants to continue to live for free and he doesn't see any reason why he should help you. The problem is the guy's selfish. Maybe you can get him to think clearly but most likely he's going to throw a fit and eventually move out. Which again is a good thing! Try to get that inheritance money back.. like you might need to sue him for that but you need to do it!
I don't know what NDX is, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. I'd be separating my whole life from that person, not just finances.
Maybe non-diagnosed? Ndx
Yes NDX means non diagnosed and I put ADHD before it to specify that his is not an official diagnosis
Counseling. Nothing here will help you.
You omitted a lot of important details, so I'll keep this short: Assuming you take home X and he takes home Y, you should pay X to Y ratio of shared expenses. Meaning if you take home 100k and he takes home 50k, you should pay 2/3rd of shared expenses, and he pays the remainder. Shared expenses are rent, utilities, groceries. Then each of you pays for your own phone, car, car insurance, hobbies, investments, etc. Simple. Effective. (You can also make a shared account for shared expenses that you both automatically contribute to.)
This is a good method. Just need to agree on “shared expenses” that follow the ratio expense method. Typically (housing, utilities, kid related expenses, food, shared vehicles, and shared entertainment) would come in play. Unsolicited side note: Sounds like a POS if you been financially supporting them for so long and they flip out when you ask them to contribute.
This guy is not going to agree on "shared expenses." She needs to get to the point emotionally where she knows she has to leave. A child should not be around substance abuse. This guy is a total loser and there's no redeeming value in staying with him.
Get married , get a joint account. Boom. If those two don’t work for you I suggest not cohabiting unmarried since you get all sorts of issues like this.
No way I’d let someone who blows his first paycheck in 3 years on booze and drugs have access to my money. OP: why are you with this dude? He’s unable to take care of you, himself, or your child. I don’t mean in a “they-must-be-the-breadwinner” way. I mean, he seems to fundamentally lack the responsibility and understanding necessary for being a functional member of a family. What does he contribute?
Exactly. Bounce out.