Well its mostly a fond remembering of being a teen and hooking up on couches or other places aside from a proper bedroom as to not have parents suspect. And now that im older hooking up on the couch when a proper bed is avalible felt nostalgic
You definitely hit that mark it brought me back to the same images and that feeling of what at the time was a first love. I t also brought back the memory of curling a phone cord around the thumb and party lines.
I really like the rhythm and imagery in this poem, especially "half out your chest"... such a great line.
I think you could remove "the" from the first line if you wanted, and start off with TV blue... I always try to remove articles whenever I can.
I'm interested by the change in tone in those last two lines, and find myself wanting a little more from them. They create a great juxtaposition of tone between the "before" and the "now" but I'd like to feel that change a little more, would love something concrete that I can really attach to, to understand the narrator's present.
All in all, great piece. Your imagery does such work here to craft this really stark and vivid tone. Nice work.
Hello! This poem is a lovely little vignette of intimacy :) Rhymes in love poetry can be difficult to pull off without veering into cliche, but the recurring rhymes almost seemed to enforce the idea of intertwining which I thought was compelling. The title is immediately engaging, and I’d love to see that same specificity of language and surprise within the poem itself. The poem gestures towards some interesting nuanced emotions, the “synthetic hues” and “trembling” and “whines”, but the language describing the cuddling (“palms” “legs” “breath”) feels like an opportunity to use terms that more fully paint an emotional picture and veer away from cliche. The ending note of aging is interesting, but I felt like the poem didn’t set
up the idea of love and aging until that moment, and I wonder how you could use the idea/language around aging within the rest of the poem. I loved the scene this poem settles on, and I think developing imagery will help develop that scene even more fully :)
This is amazing. I love that you captured perfectly how we often lose that passion and curiosity of dating and that eagerness of the teen years. I want more of this, more of knowing why the love is different now, is it different? is it quietened? :) thanks for sharing this.
I’m super into this, makes me recall similar nights. Out of curiosity, what’s the internet with the last two lines?
Well its mostly a fond remembering of being a teen and hooking up on couches or other places aside from a proper bedroom as to not have parents suspect. And now that im older hooking up on the couch when a proper bed is avalible felt nostalgic
You definitely hit that mark it brought me back to the same images and that feeling of what at the time was a first love. I t also brought back the memory of curling a phone cord around the thumb and party lines.
Hey, cool! Thanks for responding, I get where you’re coming from now. Awesome job!
I love the cadence to this and the imagery!
i love the imagery and the overall feeling this poem elicits.
I really like the rhythm and imagery in this poem, especially "half out your chest"... such a great line. I think you could remove "the" from the first line if you wanted, and start off with TV blue... I always try to remove articles whenever I can. I'm interested by the change in tone in those last two lines, and find myself wanting a little more from them. They create a great juxtaposition of tone between the "before" and the "now" but I'd like to feel that change a little more, would love something concrete that I can really attach to, to understand the narrator's present. All in all, great piece. Your imagery does such work here to craft this really stark and vivid tone. Nice work.
Hello! This poem is a lovely little vignette of intimacy :) Rhymes in love poetry can be difficult to pull off without veering into cliche, but the recurring rhymes almost seemed to enforce the idea of intertwining which I thought was compelling. The title is immediately engaging, and I’d love to see that same specificity of language and surprise within the poem itself. The poem gestures towards some interesting nuanced emotions, the “synthetic hues” and “trembling” and “whines”, but the language describing the cuddling (“palms” “legs” “breath”) feels like an opportunity to use terms that more fully paint an emotional picture and veer away from cliche. The ending note of aging is interesting, but I felt like the poem didn’t set up the idea of love and aging until that moment, and I wonder how you could use the idea/language around aging within the rest of the poem. I loved the scene this poem settles on, and I think developing imagery will help develop that scene even more fully :)
Love the imagery ♥️
Love this! Growing up with super religious and strict parents, I never experienced this, but the way you wrote it, I felt like maybe I did lolol.
This is amazing. I love that you captured perfectly how we often lose that passion and curiosity of dating and that eagerness of the teen years. I want more of this, more of knowing why the love is different now, is it different? is it quietened? :) thanks for sharing this.