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thatalleywaycouch

The feeling this poem leaves you with is successfully visceral. I'm wondering if you are open to tying in as sense of place into these scene. I enjoy the emotion in this, but also think it could be amplified even more with a little more context. Once you no longer know him, is there a thing that still reminds you of what he was that makes you unable to let go and move forward? I'd also ask yourself some questions before writing the next draft. Where has this left you. You don't know him anymore (and I do enjoy that final line), but it seems like a larger loss has happened here, has he made you forget a part of yourself as well? Has his life been negatively affected by this? If not, does that make you angry he hasn't suffered the way you have? Conveying complicated emotions successfully is a hard thing to do, but I have no doubt you could make a really dynamic piece if you leaned into it a little more. Writing out some long rambling notes about these types of things might be helpful! God speed and keep us updated!


[deleted]

Thanks. My other posts are the context for this. I often try to use bad poetry to reflect state of mind within a bigger context. These shorter ones were an attempt to belay the movement of thought and change. Mostly to reflect messiness and broken flashbacks. Part 1 is purposefully wordy, and attempts (poorly) at rhyming, which doesn't work if you do not have the same accent as me. The other parts in brevity, or vagueness were also attempts at showing state of mind. I'm wondering if you have further advice I could use for expressing these attempts.


thatalleywaycouch

Let me get back to you soon! I’ll read everything else before making more comments