If you are looking for casual sex, and don't mind that it's a short lived thing, you might want to craft a couple sentences about what you are looking for and send it to any guy before you meet up.
Pretty sure every poly person has this -- so much easier to cut and paste for clarity rather than waste your time - and the time of the potential date.
Yours might go like this:
"Hey, I'd totally be down to grab a drink sometime, but first I wanted to make sure you are comfortable with my situation and check to make sure we are looking for the same thing. My husband and I just had a baby 6 months ago, which means I don't have time for other serious relationships. Right now I am looking for some fun casual sex, but I won't be able to host since my kiddo is so young."
He knows you have a husband. He's known the whole time. Sounds like sex was never on the table for him and that makes sense. Good for him for saying he is monogamous and actually meaning it.
I can't imagine being polyamorous and not having this! The typing that would be required if I had to draft it every time I matched with someone new sounds like a lot of unnecessary work.
But, I've never in my life had a poly game night, so there's that as well...
Huh? I read OPs message as, she hung out with him until she mentioned sex and he backed out - it sounds to me that she explicitly stated she was poly right off the bat and didn't know he wasn't into polyamorous people until that talking-about-sex point. Is there anything contrary to that that I'm missing?
It also seems like OP knew he was monogamous right off the bat, especially from comments. He seemed fine to hang out and have fun, until he wasn't because he wants monogamy. Avoiding someone who wants monogamy in the first place, when it's definitely not on the table, could have skipped this confusing and potentially hurtful situation.
Oooh gotcha, I went through OP's comments and I see where you're coming from now.
I do see how she could have thought he might not want a relationship but might be happy having casual sex with her while he wasn't in one - but that should have been clarified as soon as the guy said he was monogamous.
Oh, for sure, and there are lots of monogamy oriented people who would be down for a short term casual relationship. I do think people practicing polyamory should take those folks with a grain of salt, since you're ultimately coming from different perspectives and their ultimate goals aren't compatible with a relationship with someone practicing polyamory.
That's kind of a wild card with guys these days. I have a friend I reconnected with recently who is monogamous, but also likes casual/fwb type relationships so he and I kind of meet in the middle there. He knows I'm poly and I know our connection has limitations because he's ultimately looking for that woman who he doesn't have to share, but until he finds someone he wants to settle down for, we get to have what we have in the meantime.
But also we had that talk early on and didn't leave things up in the air.
Sounds like OP's guy doesn't know what he wants and maybe OP had hopes that she didn't fully make known ahead of time. Sometimes it's fun to just flirt with people, but that's why communication is so important, so expectations can be set realistically and things aren't fueled on hope.
I agree with you.
Definitely guilty of doing what op did until I finally got tired if wasting my time and energy.
Plus, ir feels like there are a lot more NM people everyday.
I'm hopeful
She made it clear that she was poly and he acted okay with it, how was she to know that he would then retract that?? You think it’s odd that… she can’t read minds??
You think it's odd that a monogamous person wants monogamy and isn't compatible with a polyamorous person? That's not reading minds, it's basic deduction. Polyamorous people shouldn't be surprised when monogamous people realize they don't want to be involved with them. It's highly predictable. This guy just realized it early on, and honestly, good for him.
If you're in a relationship without exclusivity, you're not practicing monogamy, even if you're only dating one person.
It doesn't make sense for someone who wants polyamory to pursue people who want monogamy. It sets you up for messy, annoying/painful situations, much like this one.
Why are monogamous men monogamous? Because they prefer those types of relationships? One of the earliest lessons you will learn in poly dating is don't try to date or convert mono people. Stick to people that practice poly and your dating life will be much easier.
She's asking why he bothered to get that far if he was hoping she'd break up with her boyfriend.
Unless she didn't tell him she was poly, and it sounds like she did, he should've shut her down and said he was only looking for monogamy much earlier. She maybe assumed that casual sex was on the table since he kept talking to her and I think thats reasonable.
I am not trying to convert him at all. I understand that he prefers monogamous relationships. And I respect that. But until now he has never brought up not having sex. I am not pursuing a relationship with him. We have a friends w benefits situation.
The benefits were having a mutually respectful friendship. That is, until OP decided to throw sex into it and seems offended that the friend wasn’t interested.
OP said in other comments that he'd say things---apparently fantasy---about wanting to fuck her. Which... plenty of people online like doing and is a good reason to avoid prolonged online engagement... there's no guarantee it matches real life.
When someone says they are monogamous, the safest thing to assume is that they want exclusivity, and if not right away, eventually. Better yet: don't assume, ask.
Some monogamous people are OK with "dating around" until they find "the one." But this one sounds like he wants the benefits after you agree to exclusivity....which you're not going to do.
Had you ever brought up having sex? He’s allowed to draw the boundary wherever he wants. It sounds like your default assumption was that if he was into any kind of physical intimacy he must be down for sex, but it sounds like cuddling, making out, etc is fine for him but he reserves sex for exclusive relationships. It’s weird to me that you seem so perturbed by this if you knew he was monogamous and therefore knew there would be a line for him SOMEWHERE. Just because it doesn’t fit with your idea of where the line should be doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. You both could probably learn to communicate better.
OK, that's interesting, so he hangs out and fools around with you in person, but draws the line at sex. Maybe he thinks if he has sex he will like you too much, so that's where he draws the line.
… but you don’t have an FWB situation? There’s no ‘benefits’ without attachment for this dude, so … that’s just called him fishing for a monogamous relationship.
Why are you even messing around with someone whose relationship style explicitly doesn’t match yours? 🤔
For him, I don't think it's a friends with benefits situation so much as an "If I talk to this person sexually enough while they know I'm monogamous, they will leave their partner and be monogamous with me" situation. He's more likely putting you in the position to choose by continuing to prompt sexual interactions knowing full well he won't share. Ie, not a great friend.
This subreddit can be very opinionated, and you've run into one of the very strong opinions about mono-poly relationships. A lot of people have had bad experiences and really don't want to acknowledge that others have had different experiences. At the end of the day, everyone is different, and as long as you're two informed, enthusiastically consenting adults, you're good. Don't take the downvotes to heart.
There seems to be a general misunderstanding. People think that he told he was monogamous and now ur expecting him to act differently. It seems there was a previous conversation about keeping things casual, so I can understand your perspective as well, that you thought a FWB situation would be fine for a monogamous guy, but it turns out he is more monogamous than you thought/he lead on.
Including that he had been sexual with you in conversation would have been an important thing to put in the original post. Your post implies that there has been absolutely zero discussion about sex and that all of the sudden you're the one that brought it up to him.
I know that's not what happened, but that's what people are going off of unless they go to your profile and read the later comments before commenting (unlikely). When all people read is "he never brought up NOT having sex", with no other information, it sounds a lot like "I simply assumed with zero indicators that sex would be on the table," which is obviously creepy.
People seem to get frustrated on here when people dare mono people. There’s been a slew of problematic posts lately and I think they just see someone involved with a mono person and they start repeated commenting “don’t date mono people”.
Don't reach out to someone who isn't actively polyamorous, ideally also with kids.
Explicitly reaffirm polyamorous status and structure very early in talking.
Huh? What does that have to do with making intelligent and respectful choices?
Just because you have limited choices, doesn’t mean you go making bad ones? 🤔
I don’t see OP making any bad choices. Open communication, guy changed his mind, they post cause they are frustrated but ultimately take the L and don’t push this guy for something he’s not down for. Like what bad choices?
Dating mono people is unethical. Why are you trying to date someone who doesn’t want the same relationship style as you? Why are you trying to convert people?
I’m just not fully convinced. Like if you’re not lying to them, if they know what’s up, if they are still choosing to date you, are they even mono. Like I’m not talking people who declare they are definitely mono and I’m trying to nag them to change. I’m just talking people who have never really thought of encountered this. Like what was wrong with what Op did. Full communication, he kept dating and hanging out , and then the guy changed his mind it seems.
Actually, she's mad he DIDNT change his mind.
>I’m just talking people who have never really thought of encountered this
Those people are called "open to exploring" or "figuring out my relationship type" on Ye Olde apps. If someone puts "monogamy" instead of those options... believe them!
im not swiping on apps if someone says monogamy, they clearly know what they want, but i cant restrict my dating pool to just people that are into poly and knowledgable. i know theres mess there but people just seem so black and white about dating "mono people" as such, and where i am thats just default, and i get that for themselves to have that boundary if maybe they have had bad exp but they seem vehemently against it.
As for OP, like flustered that tings didnt work out for sure because with full knowledge he seemed like he was on board until all of a sudden he wasnt which, ya, at that point he didnt approach it in the best faith, let it go, of course, like he was in over his head but she just seems a little mad that it looked one way and then turned out another. I dont know if theres enough context to know she was some level of unethically frustrated that she couldnt rope this man into a sex encounter he didnt want
Sure you’re not lying but you are going into a relationship knowing you can’t give them what they are looking for. Two wrong don’t make a right
And using distance as a reason to do that is bullshit. There is a reason 9/10 times these relationships don’t work
You can have anything. You can’t have everything.
You can choose to live where there are no compatible polyamorous people *or* you can date polyamorously. Choosing to live where there are no compatible polyamorous people does not make dating monogamous people a good plan.
How did you date in your 20s? Were you dating monogamously, or you were open, but didn't have a word for it?
I feel like this "only date poly people" comes from people who are very online. I think plenty of people, if not most people, don't identify as anything when it comes to relationship structures, and do not have a strong stance on monogamy. I know people who are essentially solo poly, but don't call themselves that because they don't spend any of their time researching this. They just live their life, and when someone they're seeing wants to be exclusive, they say no.
And there are consequences to your choice of living in the boons. One of them is having a smaller dating pool. That doesn’t mean you get to behave unethically…
There are typically a myriad of decisions that lead to someone living in a rural area. Those decisions may include things that are out of their control - like getting a shitty early education, or having disadvantaged parents. But they also include things within the person’s control - like deciding not to retrain for a new job, or being unwilling to live in shared housing, or not being wiling to take a chance on relocation, or not being willing to move away from people one knows. That’s all difficult stuff, and…
Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean one does not have a choice.
Monogamous people hook up and go NSA all the time so I don't question why you spent time with him, especially since you were honest about your life and expectations. It's very frustrating when they don't get that the possessive act is unhealthy. It's not charming, it's not affectionate. I'm sorry your new friend is incompatible with what you were needing.
Agreed, my monogamous friends often date and sleep with way more people than I do when they’re in between relationships. It was odd that he knew she was poly, flirted and sent pics but backed out. But, people can change their mind whenever.
I had a fwb situation with a guy when I first started considering poly. Take out the whole poly thing out, I was looking for casual sex at that time. It’d be once every 3 months or something. I kid you not, he told me “I’ll pretend you didn’t sleep with anyone in between”. I was like “umm what now?” That was the last time I ever saw him 🤦🏾♀️
You guessed correct.
I don’t want to get involved in the whole mono-poly debate that’s going on rn. But dear god do men like this exist who goes all apeshit about “I don’t share” about ONS/casual sex/fuckbuddies.
100% I've had guys I had been talking to on tinder for, like, half an hour, get mad because they realised I was talking to other men on the app. Like, please, as if you're ONLY talking to me. And if you are, it's probably because you're insufferable.
(Years ago, and before realising I was poly. Tinder is a cesspool)
Nah it's not just sex either... just sex doesn't require hanging out and ask that jazz.
So I'll assume the person was trying to get laid and when it didn't happen fast enough...
You’re getting some harsh responses, it sounds like you were up front about your poly status and that he was still sharing pictures and flirting and hanging out.
I don’t know why he reciprocated the flirting and pictures if he wasn’t DTF. 🤷🏻♀️ maybe he just liked the attention?
Yeah, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Lots of single dudes who prefer monogamy are still down for casual sex with poly women. I’d post this on the ENM subreddit, this group focuses more on long term poly relationships. You may get different responses there.
But has he ever sounded enthusiastic about the polyamory? Not showing an issue with a fundamental aspect of your relationship structures isn't the same as being on board.
I agree you’re getting some harsh responses. In my experience people in this sub tend to not be very empathetic. I’ve been in a similar situation as you and it sucks and isn’t fair. I think people in this sub also don’t talk enough about how difficult it is to find poly ppl or ppl who are down with poly. And its such a crappy feeling when you try & try & try only to keep ending up in situations like this one. Sending love & hope you’re able to heal & move on❤️
>I think people in this sub also don’t talk enough about how difficult it is to find poly ppl or ppl who are down with poly.
It is posted about almost every day. With lots of comments in response.
Telegram allows you to send images that can disappear after viewed a number of times you indicate and you have control over deleting messages for you and the other person.
People say this all the time but isn't the whole deal that we all unknowingly default to monogamy until presented with the alternative and looking into it?
I wouldn't try to date women who specifically identify as monogamous (to me that means they consciously chose it), but plenty of people don't necessarily identify themselves with a specific relationship style, but are open to ENM/poly when presented with it as the situation you are offering.
In your case, looks like you found a guy who thought he could convert you to mono but wasn't upfront about that plan.
It sounds like you knew he was mono and pursued him anyway. I'm unclear how this isn't on you.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, and maybe I inferred something not there, I meant the above as a serious question, and free of any judgment or anything.
Yes I knew that he was mono. And I pursued him because he pursued me first. And continued to pursue me. I explained to him in great deal polyamory and what I wanted out of it. And he brought up sex with me multiple times and how bad he wanted to. It wasn’t until I said okay let’s do it that the issue arose.
This seems like a communication problem that's common in Monogamous/Polyamorous coupling. Don't get me wrong, I think that type of dynamic can work its just incredibly difficult. Thus why so many of us in this space try to avoid it. Plus, people are complex and sometimes have a change of expectations. I'm pretty sure that at some point, this guy caught feelings. I also confident that there's some accountability to be had by both of you in that regard. People don't necessarily "catch feelings" in a vacuum. At some point, you probably let your guard down, expressed yourself a certain way and he responded in kind.
My advice, walk away from this before things get messy/messier. I cant see how this gets better for anyone involved.
I’ve had this experience with plenty of women, this is absolutely a monogamous mindset response. They’re curious and interested, but so often get scared and insecure in the end.
*[my NO SEXTING! blurb]*
Someone who doesn’t care to meet you might still enjoy your free interactive porn. If there is no free interactive porn, the reason they are still chatting is… interest. They probably want to meet.
It’s all about risk vs reward.
Sexting: it’s a sure thing with no delay in gratification. You’re already there. They don’t have to leave their den, spend money or risk rejection. No barriers, STIs or pregnancy. It works even if you aren’t their type. Because the interaction is so mediated they don’t feel bad about making up stories and being a little manipulative to get more of what they want.
IRL sex: more rewarding but there’s a hell of a lot more risk. If you are different from their ideal it might not be worth it.
There’s also the problem of the [local maximum](https://paranoidenough.com/2021/01/04/Local-Maxima-Trap.html) or the [detour task](http://neurodojo.blogspot.com/2010/05/dingoes-do-detours-dogs-dont.html). The happy version of the [monkey trap](https://theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/14/how-to-avoid-monkey-trap-oliver-burkeman).
*What the sexter does:*
Talking → flirting → little turn-on → request for pics → […].
Once they have their hand in their
pants they aren’t going anywhere. They have no attention for scheduling dates, which at this point feel very abstract and uncompelling. They’re going to gaze at the meal through the gate; sit at the top of their low hill; hold tightly to that rice.
*What you do:*
Talking → flirting → little turn-on → request for date → […].
He liked the flirting and entertainment. Why flirt with someone mono. Even if he was ok with sleeping with you the high chance of drama down the road isn’t worth it. He catches feels then there are issues.in his mind there was a chance you would go mono for him also……..
A poly person can date a mono person just for sex, as long as the mono person is aware of and comfortable with that. And the poly person is careful to monitor feelings and withdraw if the mono person is in capable of casual sex.
I think if you knew he was mono, you should have called it right there.... that's what I'd have done, anyways.
Most mono people I know use that phrasing... "I don't like sharing," "I don't share well." It's a big red flag for me.
They have enough ego that they hope you're going to break it off with your other partner, fuck them, then after a couple times and they're ready to move to their next partner, you won't go psycho on them for destroying your life just for a couple times in bed.
Mostly because monogamous people watch movies and think that's somehow reasonable.
As a poly guy who's married, I would love to encounter an account like yours lol. I think most monogamous guys feel as though they can "change" her once they meet up. I connected with a woman who is monogamous and told her honestly I'm open to just friendships as well because we have a lot in common and she was down to hang out. I honestly only expect to geek out with her about anime and cosplay shit and have someone to go to events like that bc my wife wouldn't be caught dead at a convention much less cosplay.
I'm rambling now and don't even remember what point I was trying to make. Anyway best of luck!
Why do we think he owes you sex or has to be weird for enjoying your company but not wanting sex?
This seems like a fairly sexist take that just assumes a man who likes you automatically should want to have sex with you.
That is not the case at all. I am sorry I should’ve been more clear. This guy has been very sexual with his conversation. Saying things like “I want to fuck you” and “I can’t wait to fuck you” and when I said okay let’s do it he says I don’t like sharing.
See I admit that is an entirely different beast. Flirting doesn't mean you owe someone sex, but directly stating you want to and can't wait.
That is pretty hypocritical. That said, he is playing by the rule book most monogamous men do. They want exclusivity for sex. Nothing about that should be shocking from a guy who says he is monogamous.
He isn't playing by the same rule book as you. He isn't entertaining a new potential partner, he isn't seeking a new connection. He is either seeking exclusivity or to pump his own ego. There is no shock there. He simply sees you as a challenge more than a fwb. Saddly, that is a draw back but reality of monogamous culture.
This is purely an opinion but here it goes. Most "monogamous" men who just want to fuck probably aren't worth fucking.
Most actual monogamous men who are worth fucking are probably going to want some commitment. Sex outside of a commitment of some form is a huge risk to someone who will someday be seeking a lifetime singular partner.
Not saying you can't do what makes you happy. I am not saying avoid all monogamous men, but keep in mind the rules aren't the same at all.
Exactly what the other person said. Sounds like this man is dropping the ball and just wants to feed his own ego by attempting to pull you away from someone else. To be completely honest, as a man that knows men, I'm not sure he wants to "date" or be in an actual relationship with you. He probably just wants to be possessive, which is disgusting. But I don't know the entire situation. Maybe he's monogamous and in love with you.
Still, you like each other, he knows your deal, and y'all could have fun but he wants to pull this possessive/competitive masculinity monogamy shit.
Idk how badly you'd like to fuck him, but definitely reiterate the boundary and if he's not okay with that then drop him. Or just drop him now because he's playing stupid games
I think the point is that he’s known that she’s poly since they started talking and she’s confused as to why he led her on for that duration if it was never going anywhere further than a friendship. There was never any expectation for sex.
That’s just my take of course. I’m poly and I’ve lost count how many times this kind of thing has happened to me. It starts with “I’m fine with that!” or “I could give that a try!” Then a month later they stop lying to themselves and try to get you to be monogamous or hit you with the “I don’t like sharing” bit. haha you think what you will.
I get what you are saying 100%.
The only difference was that OP didn't originally say what he said to indicate he agreed to sex at all in the first place. She did clarify it in a reply to my comment. Dude is 100% a hypocrit. However, a lot of women assume all men want sex as long as they flirt. It's just assumed a guy always wants sex. Which is why I find some importance in clarifying what a guy said or did to truly tell a women he wanted her in that way.
What I specifically was referencing was the expectation of sex just because of flirting. It's a pretty common and sexist view that anytime a man flirts he must want to have sex.
Although what OP replied to the comment did clear some things up quite a bit. It explained why she was convinced he wanted to sleep with her.
I don't get why people are mad with OP. It seems obvious that OP told person B they're poly. Person B is mono, but is expecting OP to break up with there SO? Being mono from what I know, just means in a relationship, you only want one person. When dating, you can date many people till you find that right person. Doing that with someone in a poly relationship is fine. Expecting them to leave their SO is stupid. OP you're fine.
Are you bi? Usually when I run into guys like this, it’s really a OPP, cause they just love that I love women 🙄
Maybe he thought you had a dead bedroom situation going on but then he discovered it wasn’t.
Idk people are weird and it’s annoying; sorry he wasted your time.
Maybe he is under the idea that if it leads somewhere more serious, he doesn't want it to lead anywhere with someone who is poly and already in a relationship. Can't take that risk.
So…he told you no to having sex. I mean from what I understand aren’t there loads of people just looking for sex? You had been “flirting and talking” ok so what if he was enjoying just that? Like, he was flirting and “talking to you” and hanging out because it was fun. This is a weird turn about to me.
They think can convert you. Regardless of that, why aren’t you figuring out what they want and moving on if they don’t do enm? That’s such a waste of time imo. To me that’s first conversation questions I need answered.
He has a much steeper learning curve to figure out how to deal with a partnered woman with a newborn that he likes enough to have continued conversation with. Do you have any idea how much of a minefield that is for any man, not only monogamous?
He doesn't want to share. What's not to understand. On to the next...
Did you know he was monogamous, or is he just like, springing it on you? What a tool.
In a generous interpretation, you were someone he could be horny at without consequence - you wouldn't get mad at him, because you were inviting it / open. It's not uncommon to enjoy flirtation for its own sake, without any intention to "follow through", and some folks do take that to the point of constructing a whole fantasy world. Time for the ice cold water bucket of "I'm not interested in being your fantasy horny chick without any real potential".
He enjoyed the flirting. Nothing wrong with that. I and my bestie flirt a lot. She even more so. Just for the fun. Or *their* fun. It isn't all about "me".
But I have to wonder: you told him all about you it seems. But did you even ask about his views? Sounds a bit self-centred if that is the case.
Seriously. I have flirted with guys (and girls) who I knew weren't interested in going further. But I established this early. "Oh, okay, I respect that. But we can still flirt? Flirting can be fun." I respect their choice.
There is also the guy who is oblivious to the flirt. They think you are just fun to be around without thinking it's at all sexual.
If you want anything more than a platonic friendship, don't talk to mono men/people. Anything other than that is like the fast-track to being labeled a homewrecker and/or dishonest tease. At least, it is where I live.
He's told you his boundaries. You didn't really appreciate them, and now he's reiterating them. Is it frustrating? Absolutely. But anything else would require him fundamentally shifting his relationship style just for you, and that's an unrealistic ask.
He’s a Cowboy.
You’ve invested time and energy into him and he’s attractive. He said that in hopes that you would do what’s required to have sex with him.
Dump your partner and go be monogamous with him.
Because they not only haven't done any work on themselves to deconstruct their insecurities, but most don't even know that they *can* do that.
So they assume their insecurities mean something in the real world, like that they own whatever human they have sex with.
Did he say he is monogamous, or are you calling him monogamous because he didn't want to have sex.
It's important to remember that polyamory doesn't automatically mean all relationships will be sexual. They can be emotional, romantic, sensual, and/or sexual. So, rather than checking to make sure someone is poly first, you should also check to see what their goals are. Some may only be in it for the sex, some may only be in it for the romance, etc...
He said he was monogamous. I have had romantic polyamorous relationships before. This specific situation was just me flirting with a guy who I have known for a while and we started flirting about a month ago. And he was constantly saying I can’t wait to fuck you and I want to fuck you.
Hi u/Cestiekeli thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I have been talking and flirting with this guy for over a month. We have been sharing pictures and hanging out. I asked if he wanted to have sex. And this man actually said “I do but I’m not the sharing type boo 😅”
WHAT
DO
YOU
MEAN
why are you even talking to me then? He has known this whole time that I have a partner and that we are polyamorous. And I am not even asking for a relationship. Me and my partner just had a baby 6 months ago and I don’t think I’m ready to actually date. I just want to have fun. And he knows that. Someone please help me understand.
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What did he think this connection was? A friendship where he learns about poly by watching you do it?
I’m not even being snarky - Im legit curious as to his perception and motivation here.
Not all monogamous men are like that, that's a bit of a sweeping statement. Also is it possible that he was in it for friendship? Just because someone knows you're poly doesn't mean they're INTO you into you.
Perhaps it was just honesty. "Yeah sure I'd be down but I'm not poly. Being friends is chill tho" kind of thing?
There’s a lot of details missing here, first and foremost where did you two meet, and was her clear up front that he’s monogamous?
If you told him from the start your poly, and he said he’s not, but you kept seeing each other it would seem reasonable you mutually decided on friendship? You then offered sex, he declined and communicated a boundary for him…
I certainly understand your disappointment, but I’m failing to see how two people having and enforcing different needs is a bad thing.
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Okay I don't know what's his problem but I see nothing with what you want what you want is perfectly normal in a poly relationship but with him I have no clue
What is the difference between hanging out and fucking and dating?
Other than that, probably the same reason ENM folks will message with someone they have no intention of dating or sleeping with. People like attention.
We had a whole conversation about why we were flirting and what we wanted out of it. We both just wanted fun. We have been talking for a month but have known each other for years
Sadly its part of the insecurities built by the monogamous society. Men are in constant competition with each other and want to feel they are coming out on top. Its a problem with the programming sadly. Something I myself had to get over when moving from Mono to a more poly lifestyle. People raised in purity cultures (like religion) tend to be even worse on it.
I don’t know what’s worse that or a man who is single and claims to be poly- but then throws it back in your face when you go home to your partner. Big red flag.
I will make it simple: pick bears! But no seriously, men think they can manipulate or control anything. From what I see, you have communicated with him what you wanted. And I suspected he did communicated back, hoping you would convert. It’s time to accept the facts, it’s not just monogamy thing, it’s also subtle misogyny. He don’t care what lifestyle you have, he want you to adjust to his expectations. That isn’t a
Boundary.
If you asked me, I would ask for closed relationships, meaning I don’t want to be once and done, I want to see you, and you are completely free to have your own life outside of us. And I’m not to interrupt on your life, and whatever is in your life isn’t to interrupt on my life. And when trust is built, I would be open to meeting your primary partner, and them to me. I don’t believe in shackling anyone, I believe in waiting before I’m ready to move to next level, to not to violate or be violated. It doesn’t seems complicated to polyamorous people who appreciates healthy relationships, BUT… it doesn’t make sense to whomever is polyamorous but doesn’t understand true differences of green and red flags. And that scares me! Thankfull I’m single, but I’m like terrified to go out again because lying is wrong, making up stories about me is wrong, getting called out for lying when I told the truth… is purely evil!!
I don’t think whomever is polyamorous- WILL know how to
Maintains healthy relationship, just whomever have excellent communication skills, awesome listening ability, to understand the needs of others before their own. To ensure equality and fairness with everyone involved. Whomever keep pushing “open relationships” 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 they have NO respect for boundaries and demands respect for their own boundaries 😣😣😣
Being that said, maybe you should filter people before flirting with them, just to understand where things would be leading to down the road. To embrace “no mean no” and “I don’t want to say yes yet, so wait for me before I’m ready to say yes”. Hopefully this helps not only yourself but other people who made comments on this thread before me. And maybe whomever haven’t read yet. Thanks!
Why do people keep those around that flirt with them… because it strakes their ego . Im saying this as a man who has done this and as I’ve seen countless others of both sex.
Monogamous men (single) find polygamous women appealing because they think they are easier. Here’s the hard part that makes poly a learning process for me, well the first thing anyway. It’s easier for me to sleep with someone I just met than someone I’m starting to bond with. It’s easy to separate sex from emotion … until they have them.
Because I’m not a swinger. Me and my partner are poly and have had poly relationships in the past. I also don’t think it would fair be to bring someone into my life when I don’t have time for them due to my baby being so young. Which is part of the reason I am only doing fun rn.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN you've been talking with a monogamous guy for over a month? why were you even talking to him then? and then asked him for sex? you knew the whole time that he was monogamous."
you can just as easily ask yourself these questions.
as poly people, i personally think that if there is any hint that someone is monogamous - don't engage with that person. don't flirt, don't share pics, don't tempt them, don't fuck with them at all.
monogamous people have no idea what goes into poly - even something like having casual sex with a married woman is gonna freak em out.
poly people aren't compatible with mono people, and heavily vice versa.
you would think mono people would treat us like the plague and just not engage with us but they don't - they're curious about poly and are often eager to try it out, but it very often ends up hurting them.
so WE gotta be smarter and just know not to fuck about with them. yes, even for casual sex. please don't do it. i'm glad this ended early so none of y'all ended up getting hurt.
If you are looking for casual sex, and don't mind that it's a short lived thing, you might want to craft a couple sentences about what you are looking for and send it to any guy before you meet up. Pretty sure every poly person has this -- so much easier to cut and paste for clarity rather than waste your time - and the time of the potential date. Yours might go like this: "Hey, I'd totally be down to grab a drink sometime, but first I wanted to make sure you are comfortable with my situation and check to make sure we are looking for the same thing. My husband and I just had a baby 6 months ago, which means I don't have time for other serious relationships. Right now I am looking for some fun casual sex, but I won't be able to host since my kiddo is so young."
Thank you this is very helpful!
He knows you have a husband. He's known the whole time. Sounds like sex was never on the table for him and that makes sense. Good for him for saying he is monogamous and actually meaning it.
Every poly person has this? Is this like the mythological Google calendar and the table top nights we all apparently share...
I can't imagine being polyamorous and not having this! The typing that would be required if I had to draft it every time I matched with someone new sounds like a lot of unnecessary work. But, I've never in my life had a poly game night, so there's that as well...
Learned this lesson the hard way, I don’t even get casually involved with mono people now.
I mean, why are you hanging out and pursuing a guy who isn't into polyamory? That seems just as odd to me as his behavior.
Huh? I read OPs message as, she hung out with him until she mentioned sex and he backed out - it sounds to me that she explicitly stated she was poly right off the bat and didn't know he wasn't into polyamorous people until that talking-about-sex point. Is there anything contrary to that that I'm missing?
It also seems like OP knew he was monogamous right off the bat, especially from comments. He seemed fine to hang out and have fun, until he wasn't because he wants monogamy. Avoiding someone who wants monogamy in the first place, when it's definitely not on the table, could have skipped this confusing and potentially hurtful situation.
Oooh gotcha, I went through OP's comments and I see where you're coming from now. I do see how she could have thought he might not want a relationship but might be happy having casual sex with her while he wasn't in one - but that should have been clarified as soon as the guy said he was monogamous.
Oh, for sure, and there are lots of monogamy oriented people who would be down for a short term casual relationship. I do think people practicing polyamory should take those folks with a grain of salt, since you're ultimately coming from different perspectives and their ultimate goals aren't compatible with a relationship with someone practicing polyamory.
for a good chunk of the world, having consistent sex = relationship.
That's kind of a wild card with guys these days. I have a friend I reconnected with recently who is monogamous, but also likes casual/fwb type relationships so he and I kind of meet in the middle there. He knows I'm poly and I know our connection has limitations because he's ultimately looking for that woman who he doesn't have to share, but until he finds someone he wants to settle down for, we get to have what we have in the meantime. But also we had that talk early on and didn't leave things up in the air. Sounds like OP's guy doesn't know what he wants and maybe OP had hopes that she didn't fully make known ahead of time. Sometimes it's fun to just flirt with people, but that's why communication is so important, so expectations can be set realistically and things aren't fueled on hope.
I agree with you. Definitely guilty of doing what op did until I finally got tired if wasting my time and energy. Plus, ir feels like there are a lot more NM people everyday. I'm hopeful
Or, alternately, there are a lot of people who are saying they're non-monogamous who will be back to being monogamous in six months.
Agreed, I never pursue anyone who has monogamous, because that's just a recipe for disaster
Yup. Also see: I don't want a relationship! I just want an ongoing connection of some type with this person, aka a relationship.
That PART!!
She made it clear that she was poly and he acted okay with it, how was she to know that he would then retract that?? You think it’s odd that… she can’t read minds??
You think it's odd that a monogamous person wants monogamy and isn't compatible with a polyamorous person? That's not reading minds, it's basic deduction. Polyamorous people shouldn't be surprised when monogamous people realize they don't want to be involved with them. It's highly predictable. This guy just realized it early on, and honestly, good for him.
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If you're in a relationship without exclusivity, you're not practicing monogamy, even if you're only dating one person. It doesn't make sense for someone who wants polyamory to pursue people who want monogamy. It sets you up for messy, annoying/painful situations, much like this one.
I'm confused by both of you, tbh.
Why are monogamous men monogamous? Because they prefer those types of relationships? One of the earliest lessons you will learn in poly dating is don't try to date or convert mono people. Stick to people that practice poly and your dating life will be much easier.
That's not what she asked. Read the post.
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She's asking why he bothered to get that far if he was hoping she'd break up with her boyfriend. Unless she didn't tell him she was poly, and it sounds like she did, he should've shut her down and said he was only looking for monogamy much earlier. She maybe assumed that casual sex was on the table since he kept talking to her and I think thats reasonable.
She asked whether he wanted to have sex. It's right there in the post
Yes, that's what she asked him, she asked us "Why are monogamous men are like this?"
I am not trying to convert him at all. I understand that he prefers monogamous relationships. And I respect that. But until now he has never brought up not having sex. I am not pursuing a relationship with him. We have a friends w benefits situation.
Doesn’t sound like you’ve got benefits.
Lol, this was honestly my first thought. I think OP just misread the situation with someone who just wanted friendship?
Is the "benefits" talking?
Are the benefits in the room with us right now? (No shade, OP! Just making a dumb joke lol)
The benefits were having a mutually respectful friendship. That is, until OP decided to throw sex into it and seems offended that the friend wasn’t interested.
OP said in other comments that he'd say things---apparently fantasy---about wanting to fuck her. Which... plenty of people online like doing and is a good reason to avoid prolonged online engagement... there's no guarantee it matches real life.
Ah I see. I didn’t read through all of OPs comments.
When someone says they are monogamous, the safest thing to assume is that they want exclusivity, and if not right away, eventually. Better yet: don't assume, ask. Some monogamous people are OK with "dating around" until they find "the one." But this one sounds like he wants the benefits after you agree to exclusivity....which you're not going to do.
Had you ever brought up having sex? He’s allowed to draw the boundary wherever he wants. It sounds like your default assumption was that if he was into any kind of physical intimacy he must be down for sex, but it sounds like cuddling, making out, etc is fine for him but he reserves sex for exclusive relationships. It’s weird to me that you seem so perturbed by this if you knew he was monogamous and therefore knew there would be a line for him SOMEWHERE. Just because it doesn’t fit with your idea of where the line should be doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. You both could probably learn to communicate better.
Have you hung out in person? Or has your interaction been strictly online?
We have hung out in person.
OK, that's interesting, so he hangs out and fools around with you in person, but draws the line at sex. Maybe he thinks if he has sex he will like you too much, so that's where he draws the line.
That makes sense
… but you don’t have an FWB situation? There’s no ‘benefits’ without attachment for this dude, so … that’s just called him fishing for a monogamous relationship. Why are you even messing around with someone whose relationship style explicitly doesn’t match yours? 🤔
For him, I don't think it's a friends with benefits situation so much as an "If I talk to this person sexually enough while they know I'm monogamous, they will leave their partner and be monogamous with me" situation. He's more likely putting you in the position to choose by continuing to prompt sexual interactions knowing full well he won't share. Ie, not a great friend.
Can someone tell me why this comment received so many downvotes? Did I say something wrong?
This subreddit can be very opinionated, and you've run into one of the very strong opinions about mono-poly relationships. A lot of people have had bad experiences and really don't want to acknowledge that others have had different experiences. At the end of the day, everyone is different, and as long as you're two informed, enthusiastically consenting adults, you're good. Don't take the downvotes to heart.
There seems to be a general misunderstanding. People think that he told he was monogamous and now ur expecting him to act differently. It seems there was a previous conversation about keeping things casual, so I can understand your perspective as well, that you thought a FWB situation would be fine for a monogamous guy, but it turns out he is more monogamous than you thought/he lead on.
Including that he had been sexual with you in conversation would have been an important thing to put in the original post. Your post implies that there has been absolutely zero discussion about sex and that all of the sudden you're the one that brought it up to him. I know that's not what happened, but that's what people are going off of unless they go to your profile and read the later comments before commenting (unlikely). When all people read is "he never brought up NOT having sex", with no other information, it sounds a lot like "I simply assumed with zero indicators that sex would be on the table," which is obviously creepy.
People seem to get frustrated on here when people dare mono people. There’s been a slew of problematic posts lately and I think they just see someone involved with a mono person and they start repeated commenting “don’t date mono people”.
Apparently you don't though?
Don't reach out to someone who isn't actively polyamorous, ideally also with kids. Explicitly reaffirm polyamorous status and structure very early in talking.
I get the poly part. But why do they have to have kids??
I said ideally, because then they will easily understand the constraints of parenting and scheduling and resource management and likely have similar.
Like I get the sentiment but not everyone lives in a big city. Some of us out here in the boons
Yup, and I still only date people who do the type of polyamory that is compatible with me.
Huh? What does that have to do with making intelligent and respectful choices? Just because you have limited choices, doesn’t mean you go making bad ones? 🤔
I don’t see OP making any bad choices. Open communication, guy changed his mind, they post cause they are frustrated but ultimately take the L and don’t push this guy for something he’s not down for. Like what bad choices?
Either you make mature choices or you fuck around and find out. Theres good reasons for small towns to get drained.
So because you live in the middle of nowhere means you can be unethical?
Who said anything about being unethical. Everyone’s just got a stick up their butt about dating mono people.
Dating mono people is unethical. Why are you trying to date someone who doesn’t want the same relationship style as you? Why are you trying to convert people?
I’m just not fully convinced. Like if you’re not lying to them, if they know what’s up, if they are still choosing to date you, are they even mono. Like I’m not talking people who declare they are definitely mono and I’m trying to nag them to change. I’m just talking people who have never really thought of encountered this. Like what was wrong with what Op did. Full communication, he kept dating and hanging out , and then the guy changed his mind it seems.
Actually, she's mad he DIDNT change his mind. >I’m just talking people who have never really thought of encountered this Those people are called "open to exploring" or "figuring out my relationship type" on Ye Olde apps. If someone puts "monogamy" instead of those options... believe them!
im not swiping on apps if someone says monogamy, they clearly know what they want, but i cant restrict my dating pool to just people that are into poly and knowledgable. i know theres mess there but people just seem so black and white about dating "mono people" as such, and where i am thats just default, and i get that for themselves to have that boundary if maybe they have had bad exp but they seem vehemently against it. As for OP, like flustered that tings didnt work out for sure because with full knowledge he seemed like he was on board until all of a sudden he wasnt which, ya, at that point he didnt approach it in the best faith, let it go, of course, like he was in over his head but she just seems a little mad that it looked one way and then turned out another. I dont know if theres enough context to know she was some level of unethically frustrated that she couldnt rope this man into a sex encounter he didnt want
Sure you’re not lying but you are going into a relationship knowing you can’t give them what they are looking for. Two wrong don’t make a right And using distance as a reason to do that is bullshit. There is a reason 9/10 times these relationships don’t work
Ok. But op’s situation is not any of that.
I’m commenting on **your comment** that you left about distance
I didn’t say anything about distance. I live in a small town that doesn’t have a poly meet up or community.
You can have anything. You can’t have everything. You can choose to live where there are no compatible polyamorous people *or* you can date polyamorously. Choosing to live where there are no compatible polyamorous people does not make dating monogamous people a good plan.
In our current economic system, “choosing” where to live is a luxury few can afford. Most people MUST live where their employer will be.
How did you date in your 20s? Were you dating monogamously, or you were open, but didn't have a word for it? I feel like this "only date poly people" comes from people who are very online. I think plenty of people, if not most people, don't identify as anything when it comes to relationship structures, and do not have a strong stance on monogamy. I know people who are essentially solo poly, but don't call themselves that because they don't spend any of their time researching this. They just live their life, and when someone they're seeing wants to be exclusive, they say no.
And there are consequences to your choice of living in the boons. One of them is having a smaller dating pool. That doesn’t mean you get to behave unethically…
In our current economic system, “choosing” where to live is a luxury few can afford. Most people MUST live where their employer will be.
There are typically a myriad of decisions that lead to someone living in a rural area. Those decisions may include things that are out of their control - like getting a shitty early education, or having disadvantaged parents. But they also include things within the person’s control - like deciding not to retrain for a new job, or being unwilling to live in shared housing, or not being wiling to take a chance on relocation, or not being willing to move away from people one knows. That’s all difficult stuff, and… Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean one does not have a choice.
Some men actually believe that they have what it takes to convince polyamorous women to return to monogamy.
Monogamous people hook up and go NSA all the time so I don't question why you spent time with him, especially since you were honest about your life and expectations. It's very frustrating when they don't get that the possessive act is unhealthy. It's not charming, it's not affectionate. I'm sorry your new friend is incompatible with what you were needing.
Agreed, my monogamous friends often date and sleep with way more people than I do when they’re in between relationships. It was odd that he knew she was poly, flirted and sent pics but backed out. But, people can change their mind whenever.
I had a fwb situation with a guy when I first started considering poly. Take out the whole poly thing out, I was looking for casual sex at that time. It’d be once every 3 months or something. I kid you not, he told me “I’ll pretend you didn’t sleep with anyone in between”. I was like “umm what now?” That was the last time I ever saw him 🤦🏾♀️
That is so toxic. I’m guessing he was fine with him sleeping with other people, because double standards.
You guessed correct. I don’t want to get involved in the whole mono-poly debate that’s going on rn. But dear god do men like this exist who goes all apeshit about “I don’t share” about ONS/casual sex/fuckbuddies.
100% I've had guys I had been talking to on tinder for, like, half an hour, get mad because they realised I was talking to other men on the app. Like, please, as if you're ONLY talking to me. And if you are, it's probably because you're insufferable. (Years ago, and before realising I was poly. Tinder is a cesspool)
Nah it's not just sex either... just sex doesn't require hanging out and ask that jazz. So I'll assume the person was trying to get laid and when it didn't happen fast enough...
You’re getting some harsh responses, it sounds like you were up front about your poly status and that he was still sharing pictures and flirting and hanging out. I don’t know why he reciprocated the flirting and pictures if he wasn’t DTF. 🤷🏻♀️ maybe he just liked the attention?
Thank you! This is the first time he has shown an issue with this at all.
Yeah, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Lots of single dudes who prefer monogamy are still down for casual sex with poly women. I’d post this on the ENM subreddit, this group focuses more on long term poly relationships. You may get different responses there.
But has he ever sounded enthusiastic about the polyamory? Not showing an issue with a fundamental aspect of your relationship structures isn't the same as being on board.
I agree you’re getting some harsh responses. In my experience people in this sub tend to not be very empathetic. I’ve been in a similar situation as you and it sucks and isn’t fair. I think people in this sub also don’t talk enough about how difficult it is to find poly ppl or ppl who are down with poly. And its such a crappy feeling when you try & try & try only to keep ending up in situations like this one. Sending love & hope you’re able to heal & move on❤️
>I think people in this sub also don’t talk enough about how difficult it is to find poly ppl or ppl who are down with poly. It is posted about almost every day. With lots of comments in response.
Hm, it’s a shame those never pop up on my feed
Be careful with the sharing pictures part because people like this aren't kind to what happens next with your pictures.
Thank you! I am very careful and never put my face any pictures that are going to him.
That's smart. Periodically reverse your image to see where it goes. Insecure people put pictures on doxxing and revenge sites.
Telegram allows you to send images that can disappear after viewed a number of times you indicate and you have control over deleting messages for you and the other person.
Because they are mono? Why are you perusing mono people?
Hah don't fuck monogamous people if you don't want the most ridiculous drama coming into your life.
I am seeing why people say this now
Yeah, even when I've thought I could just keep things casual it always causes unnecessary problems IME especially when the sex is good lol.
People say this all the time but isn't the whole deal that we all unknowingly default to monogamy until presented with the alternative and looking into it? I wouldn't try to date women who specifically identify as monogamous (to me that means they consciously chose it), but plenty of people don't necessarily identify themselves with a specific relationship style, but are open to ENM/poly when presented with it as the situation you are offering. In your case, looks like you found a guy who thought he could convert you to mono but wasn't upfront about that plan.
It sounds like you knew he was mono and pursued him anyway. I'm unclear how this isn't on you. I'm not trying to be a jerk, and maybe I inferred something not there, I meant the above as a serious question, and free of any judgment or anything.
Yes I knew that he was mono. And I pursued him because he pursued me first. And continued to pursue me. I explained to him in great deal polyamory and what I wanted out of it. And he brought up sex with me multiple times and how bad he wanted to. It wasn’t until I said okay let’s do it that the issue arose.
This seems like a communication problem that's common in Monogamous/Polyamorous coupling. Don't get me wrong, I think that type of dynamic can work its just incredibly difficult. Thus why so many of us in this space try to avoid it. Plus, people are complex and sometimes have a change of expectations. I'm pretty sure that at some point, this guy caught feelings. I also confident that there's some accountability to be had by both of you in that regard. People don't necessarily "catch feelings" in a vacuum. At some point, you probably let your guard down, expressed yourself a certain way and he responded in kind. My advice, walk away from this before things get messy/messier. I cant see how this gets better for anyone involved.
I’ve had this experience with plenty of women, this is absolutely a monogamous mindset response. They’re curious and interested, but so often get scared and insecure in the end.
*[my NO SEXTING! blurb]* Someone who doesn’t care to meet you might still enjoy your free interactive porn. If there is no free interactive porn, the reason they are still chatting is… interest. They probably want to meet. It’s all about risk vs reward. Sexting: it’s a sure thing with no delay in gratification. You’re already there. They don’t have to leave their den, spend money or risk rejection. No barriers, STIs or pregnancy. It works even if you aren’t their type. Because the interaction is so mediated they don’t feel bad about making up stories and being a little manipulative to get more of what they want. IRL sex: more rewarding but there’s a hell of a lot more risk. If you are different from their ideal it might not be worth it. There’s also the problem of the [local maximum](https://paranoidenough.com/2021/01/04/Local-Maxima-Trap.html) or the [detour task](http://neurodojo.blogspot.com/2010/05/dingoes-do-detours-dogs-dont.html). The happy version of the [monkey trap](https://theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/14/how-to-avoid-monkey-trap-oliver-burkeman). *What the sexter does:* Talking → flirting → little turn-on → request for pics → […]. Once they have their hand in their pants they aren’t going anywhere. They have no attention for scheduling dates, which at this point feel very abstract and uncompelling. They’re going to gaze at the meal through the gate; sit at the top of their low hill; hold tightly to that rice. *What you do:* Talking → flirting → little turn-on → request for date → […].
He liked the flirting and entertainment. Why flirt with someone mono. Even if he was ok with sleeping with you the high chance of drama down the road isn’t worth it. He catches feels then there are issues.in his mind there was a chance you would go mono for him also……..
A poly person can date a mono person just for sex, as long as the mono person is aware of and comfortable with that. And the poly person is careful to monitor feelings and withdraw if the mono person is in capable of casual sex.
I think if you knew he was mono, you should have called it right there.... that's what I'd have done, anyways. Most mono people I know use that phrasing... "I don't like sharing," "I don't share well." It's a big red flag for me.
Maybe he just likes flirting and hanging out with you.
Sounds like there was very little communication up front.
I think you have to bring this up earlier. As for why monogamous men are like this, they need more experience or to be educated on polyamory.
They have enough ego that they hope you're going to break it off with your other partner, fuck them, then after a couple times and they're ready to move to their next partner, you won't go psycho on them for destroying your life just for a couple times in bed. Mostly because monogamous people watch movies and think that's somehow reasonable.
He likes you and wants to hang out. For vanilla, that’s quite nice
That’s code for: If I sleep with you I will catch feelings and we have a nice thing going. He probably just likes being your friend.
As a poly guy who's married, I would love to encounter an account like yours lol. I think most monogamous guys feel as though they can "change" her once they meet up. I connected with a woman who is monogamous and told her honestly I'm open to just friendships as well because we have a lot in common and she was down to hang out. I honestly only expect to geek out with her about anime and cosplay shit and have someone to go to events like that bc my wife wouldn't be caught dead at a convention much less cosplay. I'm rambling now and don't even remember what point I was trying to make. Anyway best of luck!
Why are you flirting with a monogamous man? Two way street you know…🙄
Why do we think he owes you sex or has to be weird for enjoying your company but not wanting sex? This seems like a fairly sexist take that just assumes a man who likes you automatically should want to have sex with you.
That is not the case at all. I am sorry I should’ve been more clear. This guy has been very sexual with his conversation. Saying things like “I want to fuck you” and “I can’t wait to fuck you” and when I said okay let’s do it he says I don’t like sharing.
See I admit that is an entirely different beast. Flirting doesn't mean you owe someone sex, but directly stating you want to and can't wait. That is pretty hypocritical. That said, he is playing by the rule book most monogamous men do. They want exclusivity for sex. Nothing about that should be shocking from a guy who says he is monogamous. He isn't playing by the same rule book as you. He isn't entertaining a new potential partner, he isn't seeking a new connection. He is either seeking exclusivity or to pump his own ego. There is no shock there. He simply sees you as a challenge more than a fwb. Saddly, that is a draw back but reality of monogamous culture.
As someone who’s trying to stop pursuing someone I know is monogamous, I needed to hear this. Thank you
This is purely an opinion but here it goes. Most "monogamous" men who just want to fuck probably aren't worth fucking. Most actual monogamous men who are worth fucking are probably going to want some commitment. Sex outside of a commitment of some form is a huge risk to someone who will someday be seeking a lifetime singular partner. Not saying you can't do what makes you happy. I am not saying avoid all monogamous men, but keep in mind the rules aren't the same at all.
Exactly what the other person said. Sounds like this man is dropping the ball and just wants to feed his own ego by attempting to pull you away from someone else. To be completely honest, as a man that knows men, I'm not sure he wants to "date" or be in an actual relationship with you. He probably just wants to be possessive, which is disgusting. But I don't know the entire situation. Maybe he's monogamous and in love with you. Still, you like each other, he knows your deal, and y'all could have fun but he wants to pull this possessive/competitive masculinity monogamy shit. Idk how badly you'd like to fuck him, but definitely reiterate the boundary and if he's not okay with that then drop him. Or just drop him now because he's playing stupid games
Lmaooooo I got sidetracked typing my comment up above and I come back to find you pretty much said exactly what I was gonna!
I think the point is that he’s known that she’s poly since they started talking and she’s confused as to why he led her on for that duration if it was never going anywhere further than a friendship. There was never any expectation for sex. That’s just my take of course. I’m poly and I’ve lost count how many times this kind of thing has happened to me. It starts with “I’m fine with that!” or “I could give that a try!” Then a month later they stop lying to themselves and try to get you to be monogamous or hit you with the “I don’t like sharing” bit. haha you think what you will.
I get what you are saying 100%. The only difference was that OP didn't originally say what he said to indicate he agreed to sex at all in the first place. She did clarify it in a reply to my comment. Dude is 100% a hypocrit. However, a lot of women assume all men want sex as long as they flirt. It's just assumed a guy always wants sex. Which is why I find some importance in clarifying what a guy said or did to truly tell a women he wanted her in that way.
Fair point good sir I believe we’re on the same page now
OP obviously should have verified this person was poly, but. That's not what sexism is.
What I specifically was referencing was the expectation of sex just because of flirting. It's a pretty common and sexist view that anytime a man flirts he must want to have sex. Although what OP replied to the comment did clear some things up quite a bit. It explained why she was convinced he wanted to sleep with her.
I don't get why people are mad with OP. It seems obvious that OP told person B they're poly. Person B is mono, but is expecting OP to break up with there SO? Being mono from what I know, just means in a relationship, you only want one person. When dating, you can date many people till you find that right person. Doing that with someone in a poly relationship is fine. Expecting them to leave their SO is stupid. OP you're fine.
Mono men are mono until they're cheating on their mono partner... I find they're not as mono as they think they are.
I can't... That part of my brain broke a long time ago...
Because he feels good when he manipulates and tricks people, probably
Off subject but congratulations on your little one. 💜
He's not into sharing because he is monogamous. 🤷🏻♂️
they often don't pay attention to things, or are happy to lead you on, hoping you will change
I'm a Lil bit confused by the title: you said " monogamous " right
Kinda sounds to me like he was never going to have sex with you, just hang out and flirt.
Are you bi? Usually when I run into guys like this, it’s really a OPP, cause they just love that I love women 🙄 Maybe he thought you had a dead bedroom situation going on but then he discovered it wasn’t. Idk people are weird and it’s annoying; sorry he wasted your time.
I am bi. And he knows I am bi because we were friends during my last poly relationship with a woman.
Maybe he is under the idea that if it leads somewhere more serious, he doesn't want it to lead anywhere with someone who is poly and already in a relationship. Can't take that risk.
So…he told you no to having sex. I mean from what I understand aren’t there loads of people just looking for sex? You had been “flirting and talking” ok so what if he was enjoying just that? Like, he was flirting and “talking to you” and hanging out because it was fun. This is a weird turn about to me.
Can't tell if this post is a joke, or clickbait
bahahhahahahahaha IKR
They think can convert you. Regardless of that, why aren’t you figuring out what they want and moving on if they don’t do enm? That’s such a waste of time imo. To me that’s first conversation questions I need answered.
He has a much steeper learning curve to figure out how to deal with a partnered woman with a newborn that he likes enough to have continued conversation with. Do you have any idea how much of a minefield that is for any man, not only monogamous? He doesn't want to share. What's not to understand. On to the next...
Did you know he was monogamous, or is he just like, springing it on you? What a tool. In a generous interpretation, you were someone he could be horny at without consequence - you wouldn't get mad at him, because you were inviting it / open. It's not uncommon to enjoy flirtation for its own sake, without any intention to "follow through", and some folks do take that to the point of constructing a whole fantasy world. Time for the ice cold water bucket of "I'm not interested in being your fantasy horny chick without any real potential".
He enjoyed the flirting. Nothing wrong with that. I and my bestie flirt a lot. She even more so. Just for the fun. Or *their* fun. It isn't all about "me". But I have to wonder: you told him all about you it seems. But did you even ask about his views? Sounds a bit self-centred if that is the case. Seriously. I have flirted with guys (and girls) who I knew weren't interested in going further. But I established this early. "Oh, okay, I respect that. But we can still flirt? Flirting can be fun." I respect their choice. There is also the guy who is oblivious to the flirt. They think you are just fun to be around without thinking it's at all sexual.
If you want anything more than a platonic friendship, don't talk to mono men/people. Anything other than that is like the fast-track to being labeled a homewrecker and/or dishonest tease. At least, it is where I live. He's told you his boundaries. You didn't really appreciate them, and now he's reiterating them. Is it frustrating? Absolutely. But anything else would require him fundamentally shifting his relationship style just for you, and that's an unrealistic ask.
He’s a Cowboy. You’ve invested time and energy into him and he’s attractive. He said that in hopes that you would do what’s required to have sex with him. Dump your partner and go be monogamous with him.
This did not even cross my mind.
Sounds like you are looking for a new swinging friend more than a poly friend
reason #1,001 that men don’t win the smart Olympics lol (coming from a man)
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Because they not only haven't done any work on themselves to deconstruct their insecurities, but most don't even know that they *can* do that. So they assume their insecurities mean something in the real world, like that they own whatever human they have sex with.
One word: INSECURITIES
He's just not that into you boo
Why did you pursue a monogamous man?
Did he say he is monogamous, or are you calling him monogamous because he didn't want to have sex. It's important to remember that polyamory doesn't automatically mean all relationships will be sexual. They can be emotional, romantic, sensual, and/or sexual. So, rather than checking to make sure someone is poly first, you should also check to see what their goals are. Some may only be in it for the sex, some may only be in it for the romance, etc...
He said he was monogamous. I have had romantic polyamorous relationships before. This specific situation was just me flirting with a guy who I have known for a while and we started flirting about a month ago. And he was constantly saying I can’t wait to fuck you and I want to fuck you.
Why are you confused? You're flirting with a man who identifies as monogamous. All of us are confused by YOUR behavior......................
Hi u/Cestiekeli thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I have been talking and flirting with this guy for over a month. We have been sharing pictures and hanging out. I asked if he wanted to have sex. And this man actually said “I do but I’m not the sharing type boo 😅” WHAT DO YOU MEAN why are you even talking to me then? He has known this whole time that I have a partner and that we are polyamorous. And I am not even asking for a relationship. Me and my partner just had a baby 6 months ago and I don’t think I’m ready to actually date. I just want to have fun. And he knows that. Someone please help me understand. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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What did he think this connection was? A friendship where he learns about poly by watching you do it? I’m not even being snarky - Im legit curious as to his perception and motivation here.
Not all monogamous men are like that, that's a bit of a sweeping statement. Also is it possible that he was in it for friendship? Just because someone knows you're poly doesn't mean they're INTO you into you. Perhaps it was just honesty. "Yeah sure I'd be down but I'm not poly. Being friends is chill tho" kind of thing?
Because he is monogamous? I highly recommend NOT daying monogamous people. Edit: dang autocorrect
There’s a lot of details missing here, first and foremost where did you two meet, and was her clear up front that he’s monogamous? If you told him from the start your poly, and he said he’s not, but you kept seeing each other it would seem reasonable you mutually decided on friendship? You then offered sex, he declined and communicated a boundary for him… I certainly understand your disappointment, but I’m failing to see how two people having and enforcing different needs is a bad thing.
He was constantly talking about having sex with me. He brought it up before I ever did. It was when I say we actually do it.
Ahh ok, yeah in that case it’s pretty shitty behaviour.
Oof I had a guy like that. He is “traditional” and if we were together, I’d need only him. Ha! So we are not together.
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Okay I don't know what's his problem but I see nothing with what you want what you want is perfectly normal in a poly relationship but with him I have no clue
😒
Well he's probably wondering the same thing about you? A little temporary converting never hurt anyone, right?
Except I wasn’t trying to convert him.
What is the difference between hanging out and fucking and dating? Other than that, probably the same reason ENM folks will message with someone they have no intention of dating or sleeping with. People like attention.
I’m wondering how you know that he knows you just wanted to have fun.
We had a whole conversation about why we were flirting and what we wanted out of it. We both just wanted fun. We have been talking for a month but have known each other for years
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Sadly its part of the insecurities built by the monogamous society. Men are in constant competition with each other and want to feel they are coming out on top. Its a problem with the programming sadly. Something I myself had to get over when moving from Mono to a more poly lifestyle. People raised in purity cultures (like religion) tend to be even worse on it.
Man was trying to steal you away 🤣
I don’t know what’s worse that or a man who is single and claims to be poly- but then throws it back in your face when you go home to your partner. Big red flag.
I will make it simple: pick bears! But no seriously, men think they can manipulate or control anything. From what I see, you have communicated with him what you wanted. And I suspected he did communicated back, hoping you would convert. It’s time to accept the facts, it’s not just monogamy thing, it’s also subtle misogyny. He don’t care what lifestyle you have, he want you to adjust to his expectations. That isn’t a Boundary. If you asked me, I would ask for closed relationships, meaning I don’t want to be once and done, I want to see you, and you are completely free to have your own life outside of us. And I’m not to interrupt on your life, and whatever is in your life isn’t to interrupt on my life. And when trust is built, I would be open to meeting your primary partner, and them to me. I don’t believe in shackling anyone, I believe in waiting before I’m ready to move to next level, to not to violate or be violated. It doesn’t seems complicated to polyamorous people who appreciates healthy relationships, BUT… it doesn’t make sense to whomever is polyamorous but doesn’t understand true differences of green and red flags. And that scares me! Thankfull I’m single, but I’m like terrified to go out again because lying is wrong, making up stories about me is wrong, getting called out for lying when I told the truth… is purely evil!! I don’t think whomever is polyamorous- WILL know how to Maintains healthy relationship, just whomever have excellent communication skills, awesome listening ability, to understand the needs of others before their own. To ensure equality and fairness with everyone involved. Whomever keep pushing “open relationships” 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 they have NO respect for boundaries and demands respect for their own boundaries 😣😣😣 Being that said, maybe you should filter people before flirting with them, just to understand where things would be leading to down the road. To embrace “no mean no” and “I don’t want to say yes yet, so wait for me before I’m ready to say yes”. Hopefully this helps not only yourself but other people who made comments on this thread before me. And maybe whomever haven’t read yet. Thanks!
Why do people keep those around that flirt with them… because it strakes their ego . Im saying this as a man who has done this and as I’ve seen countless others of both sex. Monogamous men (single) find polygamous women appealing because they think they are easier. Here’s the hard part that makes poly a learning process for me, well the first thing anyway. It’s easier for me to sleep with someone I just met than someone I’m starting to bond with. It’s easy to separate sex from emotion … until they have them.
If you just want to fuck someone why not just go to a swingers club or something?
Because I’m not a swinger. Me and my partner are poly and have had poly relationships in the past. I also don’t think it would fair be to bring someone into my life when I don’t have time for them due to my baby being so young. Which is part of the reason I am only doing fun rn.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN you've been talking with a monogamous guy for over a month? why were you even talking to him then? and then asked him for sex? you knew the whole time that he was monogamous." you can just as easily ask yourself these questions. as poly people, i personally think that if there is any hint that someone is monogamous - don't engage with that person. don't flirt, don't share pics, don't tempt them, don't fuck with them at all. monogamous people have no idea what goes into poly - even something like having casual sex with a married woman is gonna freak em out. poly people aren't compatible with mono people, and heavily vice versa. you would think mono people would treat us like the plague and just not engage with us but they don't - they're curious about poly and are often eager to try it out, but it very often ends up hurting them. so WE gotta be smarter and just know not to fuck about with them. yes, even for casual sex. please don't do it. i'm glad this ended early so none of y'all ended up getting hurt.