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We went through infertility treatment to have our first. The whole process was full of 'bad' surprises and was so medicalized and scheduled we wanted to keep the sex as a 'good' surprise for birth.
I loved the moment of my husband leaning over and saying, "It's a (baby's name)" so much that we are team green for our second, who was spontaneously conceived.
On a more practical note it stopped family and friends from inundating us with gendered clothes and toys so we can reuse a lot of things regardless of the sex of our second.
This is so sweet. So funny how similar experiences can result in such different feelings. For us having experienced infertility and bad surprises for so long, we were ready to hear the sexes of our embryo babies and knew which we were transferring I think out of clinging on to the hope that it could become real. But equally, I think if anything went wrong it would have been harder to let go of. Being 100% happy with either gender and being fairly gender neutral in my style, knowing the gender felt purely like a way to bond which I felt I had been waiting so long to do.
That’s so awesome! I understand 100% about the infertility treatment process being so medicalized.
Feel free to ignore this question, I’m not sure if I should be asking here. Did you get pregnant quickly with your second?
I was only 8 months postpartum and we weren’t trying. I have diminished ovarian reserve and after many failed treatments with my own we used donor eggs to have our wonderful daughter ❤️
This second pregnancy is full of wonderful surprises! 🤣
We are waiting, baby due in just a few weeks. I didn’t want a bunch of gendered baby gifts and it’s been fun knowing we have this one big surprise waiting for us at birth.
I wanted to wait too for that exact reason! Also I really don't care what the gender is, so I see no rush in knowing. But my husband wanted to know, I think because the pregnancy understandably feels more abstract to him. So our compromise is that we know but we won't tell anyone else.
My husband actually does know! He found out at the anatomy scan. I still don't know (32 wks). He's been really good about keeping it secret.
The upside is he can order anything I could want for their birth for announcement purposes (which I deff had him do lol)
My husband and I didn’t wait, but according to my MIL’s friends that are going to the shower they, “can’t tell it’s for a boy.”
Okay… Sorry I didn’t want blue dinosaurs all over my registry. I’m not a sad beige Mom. I have plenty of color on my registry. I just didn’t think I needed anything that was explicitly masculine.
I guess people (maybe older people?) want to buy gendered things. Just feels strange to me seeing that if we have another I’d like to reuse whatever I can without giving it too much thought.
I haven’t even seen anything explicitly gendered in colour when I’ve been shopping. Half my stuff is a soft mint green or sage green tbh cause it’s my fav colour lol
My husband and I know the sex but aren't sharing with anyone. I love sharks and marine life so I'm doing a lot of those themes for nursery decor and I would regardless of sex- but I know so many people are going to assume boy because of that. Sharks are gender neutral!
I love that! “Sharks are gender neutral” made me giggle. They totally are! Everyone loves Shark Week! 🦈
We picked Adirondacks and woodland critters for our theme. I said as soon as we found out we were expecting that would be the theme regardless of gender.
I got a lot of pink frilly floral for my first (a daughter) and my son now looks great in them lol. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed overtly boy on a girl but I think all babies can wear pretty pink florals. There are a few things I didn’t keep, apparently I draw the line on dresses. But all baby sleepers and onesies are fair game.
Everyone on my in-laws side has been giving us a hard time. They said they have no idea what to get us and we can’t prepare because we don’t know. But, like… most of the baby gear is black or gray anyways. And, the baby will be born in the peak of summer. They’re going to be living in white t-shirt onsies for a while. Besides, if I got all gendered clothing and supplies, then we’d need to buy a whole new set of stuff if baby #2 is the other gender. Why waste money like that when hand me downs are perfectly fine?
Same but I wanted to know, so we know but aren’t telling. The hard thing is I really wanna tell my mom, who is super duper feminist, but it feels unfair to hell her and not my in-laws who’d absolutely go all in on pink for my girl. I know once she arrives I won’t be able to shield her from sexism, but I can for now.
My husband and I decided we would want to wait when we were expecting. Now I’m 21 weeks and we’re enjoying not knowing!
We’ve gotten so many “but what will you do about the nursery?” And my response is “well is your kitchen, living room, and bedroom gendered?”
Gender neutral is the way to go and can all be reused for future kids!
This!!! So freaking true! We waited and everyone gave us such a hard time. It was so strange. We weren’t under prepared, we didn’t feel unready at all. It also gave me the opportunity to pick out clothes I wanted my baby to wear and not random clothes everyone else wanted my baby to wear.
This is such an unexpected benefit! I know lots of people who had to redo their nursery completely since they made it so gendered! So much of my infant stuff is neutral!
I'm not sure I agree with your 'unprepared' examples. It doesn't take long to learn how to clean a vulva. Just wipe front to back. It also would take a quick conversation or google to learn that. I also don't agree that male circumcision is necessary, but if required, again can be researched regardless of sex.
We didn't find out because honestly, I can't understand what I would need to prepare for either gender. All babies sleep, drink milk and need clothes / nappies at the beginning, regardless of gender. Clothes can be gender-neutral too (which is my preference).
We enjoyed the surprise at the end of a hard journey like labour. The sex didn't matter to us, so we didn't care about knowing in advance.
Was looking for this comment. I can understand people feeling unprepared if they need to buy as they go (for more gender preferred items like clothes) but her husband will have to learn to wipe a vulva at the same time whether they know in advance or not, and you’re pregnant for 9 months…research circumcision and make your decision together before birth. If it’s a girl, a non issue but if it’s a boy, you’ve got your decision made.
I wanted to wait to find out but my husband just couldn’t bring himself to agree to that. I would have bought newborn clothes for each gender and shopped for the gender I got post birth for all sizes after. I bought gender neutral gear anyway.
Yep. That was really not a big deal. Plus, every baby may have unique things required for their care (ie a tongue tie, or needing a helmet for a misshaped head, etc) so learning on the fly is sort of part of the job anyways haha!
I will say the preparation for some people is more mental. I had a friend who literally cried when she delivered another boy bc she wanted a girl so bad.
If someone really has a preference, better to mentally prepare yourself early than be disappointed in the delivery room 😬
I worked with a woman who had 6 boys and had a surprise for pregnancy number 7. Her reasoning was the opposite- for her temperament, it was better to learn the 'disappointing' news face to face with her baby, where she couldn't be disappointed but just delighted to meet them (rather than being disappointed by scan results without the joy of a new babe in front of her). It made sense to her I guess!
My husband and I have genetic disorders, and with his it could have different symptoms depending on sex. So we do need to be prepared in that way, learning the different signs and symptoms to look out for in the days and weeks following birth. I also just like having as much data as possible about my child.
But yeah for most people, there really isn't a lot of gender specific preparation for babies that can't be learned on the fly.
My only reason for wanting to know is to have name options ready! We’ve been trying a while so we have had LOADS of names on a list but we’re finding boy names so bloody difficult to agree on and stick to. We are gonna wait to see what suits them regardless but it’s nice having the list ready (and if it’s a girl we’re pretty solid on the same name so we can stop worrying about boy names for now 😅)!
A lot of women want that extra motivation to get them through the pain of labor - the excitement of finding out gender is something to focus their mind on. Other women just don’t care and wouldn’t prepare anything different for a boy or girl. If your nursery is going to be all pastels and baby animals it doesn’t matter if you’re having a boy or girl, and you just pick two names instead of one :)
Yeah I'm confused by the "unprepared" comment. What do you need to prepare differently if it's a boy vs. girl?? It's a baby. Same shape diapers, onesies, car seats, etc.
To be fair, I would have been happy to wait for the surprise reveal at birth, but my husband wants to know. He said it would help him feel more attached to the baby, imagining the kind of person they might become. All the physical changes are happening to me, not him, so whatever helps him feel more connected and bond before the baby is even here sounds good to me.
We would be equally delighted with either sex. When I was pregnant last year, he admitted he was hoping for a girl, while I was hoping for a mini version of him lol. Unfortunately we lost our son at 16.5 weeks via TFMR due to a rare chromosomal abnormality not compatible with life. I'm now 9.5 weeks and hoping for smoother sailing this time, but couldn't care less about the sex. Just want a healthy baby.
My dad (lovely but sometimes obtuse) already said with a face, "you guys aren't going to do some stupid gender reveal thing, are you?" And even though I had never planned to do one (not my thing, don't love the emphasis), I shot back, "this baby deserves to be celebrated. So yeah maybe we will do a colorful cake!" And now I'm considering it. Any excuse for cake, am I right??
Actually, as I typed this out, I realized this could solve a problem for us. We are moving to another continent when I will be around 24 weeks. It seems super early to do a baby shower and we also really can't take much stuff with us. But I still want to be able to celebrate with my people. Maybe if we call it a gender reveal instead of a baby shower people won't feel obligated to bring gifts we can't move?
We did a funfetti cake! We knew the sex but weren't sharing (we didn't tell people we knew). It wasn't a baby shower, just a joyous get together to celebrate new life. We didn't request gifts and didn't call it a baby shower - no one brought gifts.
I’m sorry for your previous loss. Hope everything goes smooth with this one. Just out of curiosity, was the rare chromosomal abnormality caught by the NIPT?
No. Our NIPT results were totally fine, it was CVS that caught it. I'd read Emily Oster's book Expecting Better and then some recent peer-reviewed articles about different testing options before I got pregnant.
The stats people cite about the risk of triggering a miscarriage from CVS or amniocentesis are totally outdated. These are incredibly safe procedures for mom and baby (if a bit uncomfortable) and you can get a LOT more info from them than a blood test. They are diagnostic, whereas NIPT is a screening tool that can detect certain markers and calculate risk of a problem (which would then require CVS, amnio, etc. to diagnose anyway).
Having learned this, and knowing my age put us at higher risk of chromosomal abnormalities, I insisted on CVS. I even had to go in a second time because they just couldn't get a good angle on the placenta during the first appointment. I'm so thankful I insisted, even though I never really imagined it was actually necessary. It meant we learned of our diagnosis (Pallister-Killian Syndrome) at 14.5 weeks and I was able to terminate at 16.5.
If I hadn't had CVS, we likely would not have learned about our baby's condition until the 20-week scan, at which point a D&E would not have been the recommended option. I likely would have had to be induced to deliver.
Knowing what I know, I can't imagine NOT doing CVS. I'm counting down the days. We can do the appointment in 2 weeks, then we'll wait 2 more weeks for results. We're not even bothering with NIPT.
Agreed, I don't know what preparations need to be made regarding gender. We waited to find out, but still had conversations about circumcision, in case it was a boy. So besides that, and having multiple names lined up (presumably gendered), I don't know what kind of prep is needed/changes. We were indecisive for a name so had a short list of multiple names anyway.
Tbh, plenty of people will still get gendered baby clothes and gifts once baby arrives. But if you plan on having multiple kids/pregnancies, you'll have more socially acceptable clothing to reuse if they're gender neutral (hence less prep next time).
Also, the L&D nurses were excited that we didn't know the sex and took a tally of what people thought. I think it switches things up for them or at least is an easy/fun talking point with your patient.
Do a gender conceal party! Inside the cake is *green* icing, with a note "we're just so happy they're healthy".
Advertise it as a "gender conceal, we just want to celebrate the pregnancy" party to everyone except your dad 😉
I don't know why you got downvoted, we're doing green and purple inside cupcakes to F with people. Other people getting hung up on the sex of someone else's child is insanely stupid.
Agree! I’ve kept 2/3 of my kids a surprise and now I’m 20 weeks and also not finding out. It is way more exciting when the baby is actually here and you’re holding them for the first time vs a nurse sharing it or a gender reveal. Outside of gendered clothing/decor which involves money and returns I’m not sure what else wouldn’t be able to be prepared for. OPs examples of circumcision and cleaning girls is something you can easily prepare for both. “If it’s a boy let’s decide if we are going to circumcise”…..”if it’s a girl these are things to expect…” right??
Exactly this. Waited until birth with my first and it was so cool having my husband catch our baby and tell me their name/gender as he put the baby on my chest. Compared to opening our NIPT results with our second and just seeing "low risk for disorders and oh also it's a boy" which was like...yay I guess? I would definitely wait until birth again for any future pregnancies. I don't understand why people say "it's a surprise regardless of when you find out" when one way is typically super clinical and impersonal.
Yeah the ‘it’s a surprise either way’ is just not at all the same. We waited with my first and it was the best surprise of my life!!! I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it. With my daughter it was like ‘it’s a girl.’ Hmm okay now I have another 28 weeks left to wait for her and wonder if everything is okay. It’s still so nebulous when you find out about the gender and you’re only 12 weeks along.
My reason is entirely selfish… for years it has infuriated me to see how many people skip the baby registry and bring a mom a ton of gendered newborn clothes. Onesies are $1 at goodwill. Registries are filled with items that mothers truly need. I would rather someone spend money on something that is useful to me rather than expensive clothes that my baby will outgrow in a month.
Along with other reasons mentioned, another fun thing about not finding out is the names!
My parents didn't find out with me, so they had two names chosen. I always really liked knowing what my name would've been if I'd been born a boy! I like that all my kids get "what if" names too
There aren't many opportunities for genuine surprises in life. But giving birth and then learning the sex of your baby is a HUGE surprise!
I'd like to wait to find out because I never get surprised by anything, even when my husband proposed to me I knew it was going to happen then and it wasn't a surprise (I love him to death and am honored he asked me to marry him; I just wasn't surprised lol).
Also, I've heard people talk about how they receive weird comments from family and friends about the baby's sex when they do disclose it. Stuff like "Oh, you're going to have your hands full because you're having a girl, and girls are dramatic and manipulative." I personally don't want to deal with the weird bias about the sex of the baby (whether it's a boy or girl), so not knowing the sex prevents those kinds of discussions. I'd also like more gender-neutral baby clothes, so again, not knowing the sex helps.
Finally, it's hard to feel gender disappointment when you have a baby in your arms. I've heard lots of stories of people learning the sex during pregnancy and spending some amount of time mourning the gender they hoped for. I think I may be someone prone to gender disappointment, so I like the idea of not knowing so I can't get too attached to one vision of my child.
My husband and I are having a girl. People tell him: “A girl?? You’re going to have so much fun!” and to me they say “She’s going to hate you when she’s a teenager.”
I don’t regret finding out but it is really annoying.
That sucks; I'm sorry. I think the other solution is to find out but not tell anyone the sex so you don't get as many stupid comments like that. But people be dumb and will still find a way to say something rude.
This is partly why I didn't want to know the gender in advance- I really, really wanted a girl, and I knew I'd experience some gender disappointment if I found out I was having a boy beforehand. I figured that I genuinely wouldn't care once the baby actually arrived. Ended up having a girl!
First baby. I didn't find out. It was hard, especially being a midwife and able to read scans, but it was really worth it to me. The 'Its a boy' was incredibly special at delivery and we were so shocked as we were convinced it was a girl. My husband and I cried such happy tears. Also, as most people do find out, it nice to tell people we didn't know, and they would get all excited to guess, or tell you what baby is 😂 We called baby 'peanut' or 't-rex'. The reason for us was there are so few surprises you can control in life.
I was not unprepared whatsoever. Baby shower was beautiful . Rainbow themed beige,reds and burnt orange. Got a lot of beautiful grey and white clothing and bedding. Theme in his nursery was nautical /whales and my son never lacked for anything. I'd do it again.
It motivated me to push. I was so excited to find out what he was. It was definitely motivation. Also hearing my partner “it’s a BOY!!!!” as we found out together. Added such a special moment for us. Less gender themed gifts too.
We waited to find out with our son and will be surprised again with this current baby. It's obviously really personal, but to me there are only so many true surprises in life. Let alone fun, good surprises. Babies don't have different needs dependent on gender. We just got neutral newborn clothing and bought more "boy" type onesies once we had him and knew he was a boy. The nursery was and still is the same before we knew his gender. I didn't find it to be as hard as it sounds to wait.
Also, there was no way to predict this but my first was breech so I ended up needing a scheduled c section. Not knowing the gender really helped make it more fun because I lost the opportunity to go into labor, push, etc.
I don't want to find out firstly as my risk of miscarriage was high and I felt like I wanted to keep the pregnancy at an arms length. But also I love the old traditions, and after giving birth someone shouting 'its a ____!' is going to be such a wonderful memory. I don't plan on buying anything for the baby until very late on, or just waiting till they're here to buy clothes etc. Most of my family handmade hand me downs are yellow or white anyways, you just change the colour of the ribbons.
I’m not waiting to find out the gender because I need to know if i can reuse all my girl clothes or not and I need mental preparation also knowing the gender for me helps me bond with the baby that I’m growing. But I can see the appeal of people wanting to wait and have that extra surprise at birth!
I agree about the bonding aspect. It was also nice to not have to negotiate over a girl name and a boy name with my husband. I was also on the fence about circumcision and if our son was a girl I wouldn't have had to think about it... Alas we had a boy.
I just dislike the strongly gendered pink/blue things. Had a lot of people counteract that with “aw but neutral is always boring and beige”, when really we have found plenty neutral things in fun colours like reds, greens, etc. Additionally it means we can re-use things if we decide to have another baby. Babies are babies, there really is no difference between a boy or girl other than their parts. Plus, the additional surprise on the big day is something I’m really excited for. We have names picked, one for each, and I can’t wait to find out which one we will be using.
Edit to add: this also ties in to not wanting to receive gendered gifts. So many people around me have unfortunately decided to wait til after the baby is born so they know whether to go pink or blue, despite me having made my feelings on it very clear.
Your point about the genitals isn’t really applicable in all cases either. My partner knows how female anatomy works. And circumcision is absolutely nowhere near as big a thing in our country. I have my personal feelings on it that I won’t share here. I respect that there are people who do it for religious reasons and whatnot, but otherwise the way I’ve seen americans talk about uncircumcised penises is really strange (and bordering on body-shaming) to me, and I don’t understand the reasons for it being done. The only person I know irl with it, elected it as an adult due to health reasons.
I waited with my first, and it was so fun. I have the vivid image of the doctor holding her up and going, “what is it mom and dad?” and my husband and I at the same time, “it’s a girl!”
It didn’t affect anything that needed to be bought, and I didn’t feel unprepared at all.
People who wait to find out at birth think it’s a fun surprise. People who don’t wait would not find that fun and want to know. Different strokes. It’s not that deep.
We just think it’s fun to have a big surprise to get through the scariness of birth. It also keeps people from harassing you about names and what not, nobody bombards you with clothes instead of things you need at the baby shower, all of our basics are gender neutral so it doesn’t matter for a second if that’s something that bothers you.
But also we just don’t agree with the fixation on baby genitals and the obsession people have with knowing the sex. We genuinely believe knowing the sex tells you very little about the baby
This is exactly my reasons, too. Our families had such a hard time with not knowing. We also cloth diapered and wiped so they couldn’t fall back on buying diapers and wipes, either. Interestingly, I think most people bought from the registry for the baby shower because they felt so unsure about what to buy.
Of course, once he was born, they then had to go out and buy “boy” stuff.
I’ve always said that if I find out the sex, I’m not telling anyone. ESPECIALLY if it’s a girl. No one needs an extra six months to buy clothes that she’s never get around to wearing.
This is exactly our experience! Everyone bought from our registry because they didn’t know what to do. Once she was born we got bombarded with dresses but I don’t care if they want to spend more of their own money, we got the shit we needed!
Framing it as a fixation on baby genitals is incredibly strange and off the wall. I think it just adds to the excitement and as OP mentioned in her edits, it helps prepare for health and hygiene differences. I don’t really like frilly dresses or using blue or pink based on gender so it’s not about little outfits or the aesthetic of the nursery either. It’s just a nice way to feel closer to the baby before they’re here.
Agreed. I think it’s so weird to frame it that way. I’m a cis-woman and that involves much more than just my genitals. Yes, sex and gender may be different, but to act like sex has zero effect for most people is delusional.
Because it’s fun, and I like not getting a bunch of gendered stuff. This is my fourth time not finding out and we’ve never felt unprepared - babies don’t need specific penis/vagina gear.
I've always wanted to wait to find out so we could announce at the birth! We found out at the anatomy scan for all of our kids and this time, since we have girls and a boy, I've told my husband that we're finally doing it my way and not finding out. I'm so excited for my kids and my husband and myself to find out when baby comes out! How fun!!
We are not finding out until birth. We had three losses last year so the finding out we are pregnant this time wasn't as exciting as it is for most. I literally saw the 2 lines walked in to my husband and said "Well I am pregnant for now." Thankfully this one stuck so we are not finding out to make the birth a little more exciting since the finding out wasn't very.
My parents knee they wanted 3-4 kids and wanted to reuse stuff, so they wanted everything to be gender neutral, so they waited till birth for all 3 of us. So knowing the gender beforehand wouldn't have made a difference; it just would've gotten them more girl clothes and toys. Like when I learned the gender I only got baby girl items, no gender neutral anything.
Jokes on them, though we were all born girls.
We knew for our first. It was nice. For the second we waited. I wanted to experience it at birth. It was also fun to try to come up with both names for a girl and a boy. We also had everything we needed so having a boy or a girl didn't really made any difference. Also for taking care of male or female genitalia, the nurses will tell you how if you ask.
I found that discovering it at birth was 100 times more emotionally than it was when we new in advence with our first one. But this is personal to us.
There aren't many opportunities for genuine surprises in life. But giving birth and then learning the sex of your baby is a HUGE surprise!
I'd like to wait to find out because I never get surprised by anything, even when my husband proposed to me I knew it was going to happen then and it wasn't a surprise (I love him to death and am honored he asked me to marry him; I just wasn't surprised lol).
Also, I've heard people talk about how they receive weird comments from family and friends about the baby's sex when they do disclose it. Stuff like "Oh, you're going to have your hands full because you're having a girl, and girls are dramatic and manipulative." I personally don't want to deal with the weird bias about the sex of the baby (whether it's a boy or girl), so not knowing the sex prevents those kinds of discussions. I'd also like more gender-neutral baby clothes, so again, not knowing the sex helps.
Finally, it's hard to feel gender disappointment when you have a baby in your arms. I've heard lots of stories of people learning the baby's sex during pregnancy and spending some amount of time mourning the gender they hoped for. I think I may be prone to gender disappointment, so I like the idea of not knowing so I can't get too attached to one vision of my child.
Something else to keep pushing for...
Finding out on a scan is so anticlimactic. Imagine pushing the baby out of your body, and then you get to look and see what you've got, rather than someone simply telling you at the scan.
People are so unable to wait for things these days. I actually think finding out at the scan and doing the whole "gender reveal" is so tacky and unnecessary - it becomes more about the parents than the child.
Could be said either way. Why do people find out before birth? It changes nothing. In our case, we just want to wait. I want my husband to experience the joy of being the first to see and know who our baby is and announce it to the room.
We’re waiting to find out (only 6 weeks left!) and we’re so happy we waited. We live in a 2 bedroom house and plan on having multiple kids so the babies future bedroom will be gender neutral regardless. It’s fun having people guess and it is a really easy neutral topic regarding pregnancy (if we’re talking about the baby’s gender, I don’t get as much unsolicited advice). At the end of the day there is a lot that I am not prepared for with regards to having our first baby but none of it has to do with gender.
With my first, I just really wanted the big surprise at the end. My brother and SIL did the same years prior and I’ll never forget everyone in the waiting room being so excited when my brother came out to announce it’s a girl (mind you that was in the early 2000s lol). With my second, I’m worried about gender disappointment and know that once the baby is in my arms, I won’t really care either way.
This is our 3rd child. First two were unplanned (but very happy about) and this one was planned. We’re even picking their birthday since it has to be a scheduled c-section. We have everything a baby could need that we saved from our toddler (who’s clothes and gear were fairly gender neutral to begin with), and the only surprise we’ll have is the gender. We thought it would be more exciting to wait till birth to find out. We don’t have to get anything to prepare, and have been through this twice. Just makes for a more exciting birth.
I thought it would be incredible to have that extra anticipation while giving birth and that it would enhance the moment even more. The ultimate moment of surprise! But…I blew it and found out as soon as humanely possible with both.
We didn't care about the sex of the baby and din't want gifts in all blue/pink. Also knowing the sex gives you expectations about the baby's behaviour, even if you know that character doesn't tie to the sex/gender unless you and society make that happen. So we wanted to be free of of those thoughts as long possible.
There's nothing I would need to look into beforehand. Like I dont think my husband would need to look into female anatomy and I would never circumcise unless there was a medical indication.
I found out the first time and not the second, I preferred not finding out as I enjoyed the surprise. I dont like strongly gendered baby clothing, I had everything bought for the first year with my second without knowing the sex
We waited as it’s tradition on both sides of our family not to know the first born’s gender until birth. It made the waiting period fun and mysterious. We also had everyone guess what they thought the baby was going to be. I was completely wrong the whole time until about 10 minutes before our son was born 😅
We're not telling anyone that we found out because we don't want really gendered items. We want practical items! Also, it's nice not having the pressure about names or other comments about gender.
Boy babies and girl babies both need the same things, you just need to be more careful about how you wipe girls.
There aren't many opportunities for genuine surprises in life. But giving birth and then learning the sex of your baby is a HUGE surprise!
I'd like to wait to find out because I never get surprised by anything, even when my husband proposed to me I knew it was going to happen then and it wasn't a surprise (I love him to death and am honored he asked me to marry him; I just wasn't surprised lol).
Also, I've heard people talk about how they receive weird comments from family and friends about the baby's sex when they do disclose it. Stuff like "Oh, you're going to have your hands full because you're having a girl, and girls are dramatic and manipulative." I personally don't want to deal with the weird bias about the sex of the baby (whether it's a boy or girl), so not knowing the sex prevents those kinds of discussions. I'd also like more gender-neutral baby clothes, so again, not knowing the sex helps.
Finally, it's hard to feel gender disappointment when you have a baby in your arms. I've heard lots of stories of people learning the sex during pregnancy and spending some amount of time mourning the gender they hoped for. I think I may be someone prone to gender disappointment, so I like the idea of not knowing so I can't get too attached to one vision of my child.
I had a friend try to convince me to wait til birth to find out the gender, but I’m so glad I didn’t because I ended up with an unplanned c section.
I would’ve been even more upset to be the last person in the room to see my baby. Not to mention I felt so drugged up and high from the morphine. I didn’t even feel comfortable holding my son for several hours. Also, some women end up with emergency c sections so they would find out the gender when the wake up from anesthesia. Just not how I wanted it to go
So I waited for my first and honestly, I didn’t mind it at all. It was fun dreaming of both genders and picking out names for both. It was my first baby and I wasn’t under prepared at all. Probably over prepared. We had an awesome amount of neutral baby clothes. We even had some pink towels and pink wash cloths from people even though I had a boy but guess what, no one sees that and it’s just a towel and still use them lol.
I think it was fun waiting because when I had my baby not only was it a surprise to us but a surprise to everyone. When they are born and you know the gender and announce it on social media or over text to family, the surprise factor goes away. But when you wait…it’s really cool seeing everyone’s reactions!!
I also loved that people didn’t call my baby by their name when I was pregnant. Like if we knew we were having a boy, people would just say the name. I like when people say boy or girl.
However, I’m pregnant with my second and I’m going back and forth on if I should wait or not. I think the gender reveals with the cakes and the cups are sooo cute and simple. I really want to do one but I also don’t want to loose the surprise factor.
We waited! My husband originally vaguely wanted to know but I really strongly didn’t and we knew he couldn’t pull off knowing without telling me. He actually really wants to wait again next time! We didn’t want to be gifted anything strongly gendered as we know we want more kids. I thought it might be really motivating during birth to feel like there was so much more to meeting baby. We really wanted to have that moment right after the birth, and we wanted my husband to be the one to announce it. Honestly, we were so relieved to be holding her that we totally forgot to check for like twenty minutes after she was born; we suddenly realized we didn’t know which name to call her 😂 we’ll likely not find out next time either!! Fwiw the idea of preparation didn’t even occur to us; he has tons of nieces and nephews, I babysat big families for years, so there was nothing gender specific we had to learn. We talked about gender specific topics like circumcision and just conditionally decided what we would do
I just think it’s the most exciting surprise of my life and can’t wait to find out when the baby is handed to me. I honestly can’t understand why people find out. I am buying neutral things that can be used again so I don’t understand the issue with being prepared.
Finding out right after he was born was such a special moment. I also feel like you avoid any gender disappoint because the second they’re there you love them so much nothing matters. It was the best surprise of my life! We will do it again if we have a second!
You can prepare for both pretty easily. I waited because I didn’t want to know, simple as that! I also didn’t want anyone else to know either. I had a very good pregnancy with very little intervention, I knew how to care for babies, I knew what I’d do either way, and it just was more fun not knowing. I think it’s just a matter of preference for the experience you want to have.
We waited during my first pregnancy because while it might be a surprise either way, it was a way cooler surprise having my husband catch our baby, place him on my chest, and say "we have a son". We found out early with our second baby and it was super underwhelming.
We also didn't get any clothes when I was pregnant with my first because nobody knew the gender. We received actual useful items from the registry.
There's literally nothing you have to prepare differently for, other than perhaps discussing with your partner whether or not you want to circumcise if it's a boy. We had a name picked out for each gender and that was really all we had to prepare for.
I originally wanted to wait because it seems like such an amazing moment of meeting your child and finding out the gender all at once.
But then I realized I had an extremely strong preference, and if I didn't find out I would be constantly anxious throughout the whole pregnancy. I tend to ruminate and spiral easily. I also didn't want to have any disappointment at the birth that might cloud the joyful experience of welcoming my child. So I decided to find out as early as possible so that I could either have plenty of time to process and come to acceptance and fall in love with my baby or to relax and be excited and just enjoy the pregnancy without worrying about the gender.
Well your reasonings aren’t things my husband and I need to prepare for. We wouldn’t circumcise our son, and we both know how to clean boys and girls. If we didn’t know, we would just learn both because it’s important to learn about the human body either way.
There’s nothing we need to prepare for that would warrant us needing to know the gender beforehand. Babies need food, shelter, and love. They don’t care what color the nursery walls are.
We were waiting so we don't get anything gendered. We did end up finding out, but we aren't sharing. I just think of that moment in the delivery room where it is a complete surprise, and I do think I want that for my next one (if I am lucky enough to have a next one!)
For me personally, I don’t really like surprises. And knowing the gender asap made my little girl feel more real to me. Especially since we now knew what we were going to name her.
But everyone is different and I get the sentiment and reasons others would rather find out at birth.
I found out from my NIPT stuff or some other testing the first time just from reading my own chart. But I didn't care either way.
I don't know if we will bother to find out this time... Honestly as long as baby is healthy, I don't really care. Babies are gonna baby either way and there isn't really any difference.
We already know if it's a boy we won't be circumcising, and if it's a girl...well we've got one.
Healthy baby is the goal, regardless of which bits they come out with.
People project a lot of strange gendered expectations onto a child that hasn’t even been born yet, I want to try and shield my baby from gendered expectations for as long as possible. It’s also a fun surprise to look forward to. I might find out if I have a second but keep it a secret.
I have waited for both children, the absolute most emotional and thrilling moment of my life is seeing my husband’s face when he says ITS A GIRL/BOY!! Absolutely no feeling like it and I’d take that moment over being “prepared”for a gender any day. My extended family also loves the drama of guessing in a group chat once I go into labor and waiting in the hospital waiting room for my husband to come down and reveal the baby’s gender and name. It’s so exciting and fun. It also really helped me through labor as I was finally about to know this precious info!! You can read up on caring for both gender needs before hand if you’d like, outside of general gender related care like you mentioned (wiping, circumsicion decisions) newborns are newborns!
It was just such a lovely moment, my husband telling me it was a boy! Even though we both thought I was having a girl and only had girls' names, the second I heard,'it's a boy!' I was like, well, duh, of course it's a boy!
We decorated the baby's room neutrally, with some teddy bear stickers. We were looking for new knobs for wardrobes, etc, and found some perfect ones on etsy. Only the teddy bears either had blue or pink on them. At that point, my (very impatient and likes things completed yesterday) husband suggested we find out the gender 😂 I, however, put my foot down and managed to find knobs where the teddy bears were wearing brown instead, phew!
Historically, you didn't find out the sex of the baby until birth, and so finding out at birth was a rite of passage. It's not as much about the surprise as it is about the ritual *of* surprise at that particular moment in time.
I knew that my embryos were girls from before they were even put into my body. Initially I didn't want to find out because I didn't want to be tempted to choose, but when I was told all of them were the same gender, I decided to find out. But the thing is, you hear stories all the time about the gender being misidentified. I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry about getting girl stuff and ending up with a baby boy. And what if we'd already emotionally committed to raising a girl and now we have to restructure the future we'd dreamed of? Sometimes I do think that waiting until birth would prevent these issues. Obviously there's also the part of having to tell other people if the gender ends up being wrong. Choosing names is the other thing. If you didn't know, you'd normally have two names planned. But if you do know and it ends up wrong, many people simply didn't plan for a backup.
I also have a friend who did the NIPT but couldn't bring herself to look at the gender because to her, the pregnancy didn't feel real just yet and looking meant committing to the idea of that baby. A lot of people feel that way, especially those with recurrent loss. It's almost like trying to delude ourselves into thinking that if we don't find out, we wouldn't be nearly as attached if we end up losing the baby. I'm not saying this is a healthy way to deal with it, and I'm not saying it works to soften the blow, but it is a mental process that a lot of us has to go through. We don't *want* to emotionally commit to a baby when we still feel like we could lose it at any moment.
In China, it's generally not allowed to find out the gender beforehand in order to prevent abortions for the purpose of gender selection. This was more of an issue when the one-child policy was in place, and even then it was more prevalent among rural folks because most city folks like their daughters as much as their sons. Still, it was a common enough issue that it required government intervention to keep the gender ratio balanced.
As far as preparation goes, I don't think cleaning female anatomy is any more of a learning curve than just learning to clean a baby, period. I'm sure nurses will teach you how to do things even if you come into the hospital with zero knowledge. For circumcision, you have so much time to research it beforehand. You don't need to be pregnant with a boy to look into those things. Also, I find that a lot of people already have a pretty good idea, often pretty strong stance, on circumcision already, based on their own or their family member's prior experiences.
For my husband, it’s about gender disappointment. He’s wanted a little girl for his first born since he was a teenager. If the ultrasound showed it was a boy, he’d have 20 more weeks to ruminate on that. Right now, the baby isn’t really real to him because he’s not the one that’s pregnant. It’ll hit him when they’re here. And he feels like if he finds out it’s a boy when the baby is actually here, he’ll be so excited that they’re just alive and healthy and real that he won’t care about the gender
As soon as I got my NIPT test done I absolutely couldn’t wait. I baked a colored cake and my partners and I cut it that evening after work. I thought about keeping it a surprise for 4 seconds, then couldn’t lol!
We announced our NIPT result at our wedding 4 days later. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. We have a group photo with everybody's reactions ❤️
I partly didn't want gendered clothing, and I just didn't want to deal with follow up questions.
My husband knows enough through me to be able to handle it if he's a girl. I have given him the choice for circumcision if it's a boy because I don't feel right making a choice about parts I don't have.
I used to be curious in the first trimester. I also have a lot of fun with ppl predicted based on the most asinine myths and it's fun for me to contemplate both. Now at 32 weeks I have no desire at all to know before they are here! I just know whoever they are I can't wait to meet them
We find out but keep it to ourselves. It drives my MIL bonkers to not have every detail of her son’s business. And it’s nice to keep something for ourselves
Cause I hate the obsession people have with “boy stuff” and “girl stuff” and all gender stereotypes.
Even when we did find out with our first that it would be a girl I said to everyone just cause it’s a girl PLEASE do not get just pink frilly things. Which family respected.
I like to dress our babies in all things until they have their own preferences.
Also things like circumcision are easy to research beforehand and things like anatomy and diaper changes are easy to learn on the fly.
I’m with you Op. The only thing I can think of is that knowing the gender may get ppl attached to the baby and if anything would happen they would feel worse compared to not knowing.
I'm with you. A new baby comes with SOO many surprises and unknowns. For me there is no way I am waiting. My spouse wanted to wait and I didn't, in the end he let me choose.
I like to be prepared and I love decorating, and I actually don't like gender neutral colours besides grey. Can't stand yellow and green. I want both genders so there won't be any disappointment. You are right...it's a surprise either way.
With my first we found out as soon as we possibly could, it didn't really feel "real" until we could picture the baby if that makes sense. I'm currently pregnant with my second after a year of trying and ultimately IVF and after all the hullaballoo we are waiting until birth to find out.
For me, it's the first time in my life I genuinely don't have a gender preference - we have a boy and I imagine having brothers, but a girl would be a delightful surprise. We already have all the baby stuff we need, and my son's hand me downs will work for either sex. And IVF removes a lot of the surprise/excitement from the early days of pregnancy, so we're trying to make up for it a bit. I couldn't imagine not knowing for my first, but now that we've done it once before I feel like knowing the sex wouldn't change anything about how we prepare for #2. Totally personal preference, but it felt right to wait this time around!
I kept mine a surprise and am so glad I did! My labor felt like a slumber party with all of us guessing the gender and our reasons for it. I also knew i slightly preferred a gender but knew that i would be so happy with regardless once i met them. It was magical and will absolutely keep it a surprise again.
I waited til birth to find out the gender and I probably will for any future baby’s. For me it was just because I wanted that surprise in the moment.. which was the most special moment of my life to be honest. Also I have two nephews and a niece so I had all the hand me downs I could need regardless of the gender. I prepare with making a gender neutral nursery and getting a few gender neutral newborn outfits. Not to say it’s not a big surprise finding out at 20 weeks but I felt that there are so few big surprises in life and I wanted this to be one of them. I was 100% convinced I was having a boy because I knew deep down I really wanted a girl.. so seeing that little girl at the end of a painful labour was incredible.
I’m a FTM waiting till birth for the big reveal!! I just feel like some people put a ton of expectations on a human who hasn’t even introduced themselves yet … if I were to find out it’s gonna be a girl, people would be all “pink and bows and headbands and bunnies” and a boy would be “fish and tractors and green and blue.” But in reality, I’m a woman (lol) and I very much hate gendered expectations and love fishing, and the colors blue and green. I don’t care about a gendered nursery, onesies, toys, etc bc babies are just tiny humans! Still gotta develop their own personalities, likes and dislikes, yada yada. Maybe a little girl of mine will love the color pink and have a dinosaur obsession, maybe a little boy would like to play princesses with his trucks. I want to allow them to experience all the things and pick and choose what makes them happy! Re: cleaning baby parts and circumcision, I babysat tons of babies and my husband will get hands-on experience in Sept when we visit to help out my bro w his newborn daughter and 1 year old son. We’re Jewish, so circumcision would be an at-home thing w a rabbi and moyel.
I'm still undecided honestly. I personally don't want to find out, because i personally have no preference and would prefer not receiving gender specific gifts. But my bf really wants to know, so i think we probably will find out. I think the surprise would be cool, but I've also had a friend make it to her labor and the nurse mentioned "It won't be too long til she meets him" so she knew then it was a boy, and i've obviously heard stories of ultrasound techs slipping up, I'm high risk and will most likely have regular ultrasounds so IF i'm going to find out i'd rather do it on my own terms and not by accident if that makes sense?
Also, for being "unprepared", there really isn't much to prepare differently between a boy and a girl, I'll show my bf how to properly change a diaper once and he'll be fine after that, i don't think he needs to study up on that. As for a circumsition, we're personally not doing it, but i've had friends who have, and in Canada they don't do it in hospitals anymore, so you go to a separate clinic a few days later, so i'm guessing those who wait to be surprised can call to book their appointment later and i'm assuming the doctor will give instructions on how to take care of it.
I’m assuming most people do it because they want to be surprised? If they have a baby shower or something I usually just get gender neutral items or diapers.
We’re waiting. It’s harder than I expected. But it’s fun, guessing and thinking. And a positive wait, not that kids aren’t positive but childbirth and sleep deprivation and life hits you, it’s something just for us.
For me, it just seems natural that I wouldn't know until birth. You have to be radiated or poked to find out and they could still be wrong even though it's mostly accurate.
Most things for newborns are gender neutral anyway. I dont know what I need to prepare for other than names lol
Weve already decided against circumcision, and my partner and I will need to learn our baby when baby is here. We also will likely have more than one child after this one comes.
So for me it would be fun but also isn't going to change much if I know ahead.
You have 10 whole months to research how to care for genitalia. I wanted to set up my baby as best as I could to one day tell me who they are rather than to assign them a gender based on DNA by at least waiting as long as possible. I know the world will immediately influence them in regard to their genitalia when they're born, but the least I can do is wait until birth and take newborn photos they hopefully won't resent one day.
I really romanticized that moment of labor and delivery when the doctor exclaims the sex of the baby shortly after he or she is born. That just seemed like such a special moment to me. It didn’t quite go that way for me, I delivered early at 29 weeks and nothing about that was anything I had dreamed or imagined…but I’ll never forget that moment when the nurse told me I had a son and I looked over at my husband who was full of tears and we said his name together.
It also was more practical to get as much gender neutral clothing and baby gear as possible for my first. Not that I would have cared if my boy rocked a pink bouncer, but it’s just easier dealing with other people if the majority of my baby gear is neutral.
For my second we found out during an ultrasound and it was still great just not quite as dramatic and memorable. I would have loved to be “team green” again but my husband really wanted to know this time.
Honestly, it’s amazing to wait. We waited for our first. We found out for the second.
There is literally nothing you need to do for either sex before birth. Years ago people couldn’t find out and everything was just fine! It’s still that way. It makes it that much more exciting!!
I challenge you not to find out.
I waited for my first one. It was just more exciting to me that way. I didn't feel unprepared at all - I knew I was having a baby and prepared for that. I like the mystery and the anticipation, and I truly did not have a preference either way. I knew I was going to be happy no matter what, so who cares? Why rush?
This time, my husband wants to find out so we'll find out at the anatomy scan. We did it my way the first time, only fair we do it his way the second.
If you are planning to have another child, it’s helpful to have others buy gender neutral clothes and baby items because this can potentially make your next baby’s hand me downs easier and cheaper as those items won’t be gender-based.
Due our second in a week. Didn’t find out with our first either and now we can reuse all the clothes etc we have from our first because they are all neutral. There’s just something nice about not knowing what you’re having, it really motivated me through labour. Most special part was my husband telling me the gender too. Magic!
I think because it’s a nice surprise at the time of the birth, and I’ll be happy at that point no matter what the gender is.
Also it doesn’t hugely matter what the gender is in terms of buying and preparing stuff, it’s all mostly the same… and I prefer muted noted and gender neutral stuff anyway, I hate pink.
Where I live we have socialised health care, which is great but it only really covers things that are considered medically necessary. Because I was low risk I wasn't offered NIPT and at the 20 week scan they say they'll only tell you the baby's sex if it's obvious. They won't go out of their way to look, apparently it can be difficult to see depending on what position baby is in. They're focused on taking other measurements and things to check for health conditions.
I was fully prepared to not know until I gave birth, but it was obvious at my scan he was a boy. It hasn't really changed anything I was doing. It narrowed down my name list and I started getting boy clothes as gifts, but apart from that everything was the same as before.
We waited (currently at 35 weeks) because the gender matters less than having a happy, healthy, smart baby. Also, I have really bad shopping habits but secretly hate 75% of the gender neutral baby items, so it's probably a good thing, lol. If I knew boy or girl, I would have bought sooooo many things. That being said, blue is a calming color and I decided on an Under the Sea theme for the nursery, so it'll be blue/green/beige even if we have a girl.
I wanted a healthy baby because it took awhile for us to get this far. We had a surprise pregnancy after going through one round of IVF and only made it to the egg retrieval part. We also didn't want gender specific clothes or toys. I don't see what the big deal is not finding out the sex. You can prepare for both scenarios.
I see your point that it’s a surprise either way!! I am impatient so I will not be waiting. I can hardly even wait to get to 10 weeks. I also love colors and have lots of girly stuff so I will lean into the cutesy clothes if she’s a girl, and for boy it would be helpful to know because I have two boys coming soon in my close circle so it would work out well for hand me downs. I think knowing will make it more real for me too!
I am pregnant with my 3rd child, and we are not finding out till birth. I wouldn't say that we're not prepared at all because I already have 1 boy and 1 girl. So, we literally have everything we need for either gender.
I think there is definitely a difference between first-time parents and third-time parents lol.
My husband didn’t want to find out, and it’s ironically super practical IMO. I like earthy colors and nature themes which tend to be gender neutral anyways. We are pregnant with our second baby and plan to have more, and we will only have to store a small wardrobe of gender neutral clothes for the first 6 months (aside from a few girly items purchased after our first daughter’s birth) that will work for each of our babies. I also think girly/frilly baby clothes seem uncomfortable for baby when they are little and much prefer sleepers/onesies anyways. All our other stuff (blankets, bibs, crib sheets, etc.) are gender neutral too, so it’s nice to know we already have everything we need no matter this second baby’s gender. People also get you less gimmicky “dress up” type outfits, and more comfy basics you’ll actually use if they don’t know the gender. Also, I don’t mind my daughter being girly, but I don’t want all things “pink and princess” foisted upon her. I’d love her to develop her own interests outside of what society tells her she should like. If that’s princess stuff, great.🤷🏼♀️
Well, you pretty much covered all you need to “prepare” for. We’ve waited both times and were fully prepared for either sex. We decided our stance on circumcision and we reinforced butt wiping from front to back. (Pretty simple lesson tbh- the circumcision one took us longer lol). Then we picked our two names- boy or girl.
Everything else was completely the same from there! The nursery was fully done in the sweetest gender neutral palates (pastel multicolor for baby 1 and swirly oranges and yellows for baby 2!) we got all our newborn clothing and all baby gear in gender neutral colors that we liked and were fully prepared for our baby!
Honestly my biggest ick is when people say “omg I could NEVER wait because I’m too much of a planner” or “I need to prepare!” It always makes me wonder what exactly they mean by plans? Like, we were fully prepared not just completely winging having a baby lmao
As far as the “genuine surprise” thing, I never really got that either because yeah, I’m with you! It’s a surprise no matter when you find out. We waited because when I was like 3 weeks pregnant (before it was even confirmed!) I said to my husband “if it’s a boy, let’s do an airplane themed nursery!” This was a cute idea to me because hubby is a pilot. And he says back to me, “why would we not do an airplane theme for a girl?” And that comment truly shook me. I realized that my embryo was microscopic and ALREADY I was assigning gender biases onto this kid even implying they couldn’t be a pilot like their dad if they were a girl?! How embarrassing. So, I knew then and there I did not want to find out because I wanted to keep the slate blank and give my baby a more neutral start rather than immediately buying frilly tutus or whatever based on the sex before they are even born. I think it helped us to let our kid tell us who they are rather than building a lot of gender based dreams and visions on them before they are even born.
Plus, I thought it made the delivery and pregnancy so much fun to guess the whole time!! The moment when he was born and everyone in the room shouted SO loud that he was a boy was so special and funny because a lot of people including his dad swore it was a girl!
I don't think reading an article or two on cleaning female anatomy or circumcision is all that difficult. We did our research on both situations and were ready for whatever presented itself. It really truly didn't make a difference to us, and I did not want a bunch of blue stuff just because my firstborn turned out to be a boy. That didn't stop people from buying stuff after the fact, but at least we avoided all our registry stuff being purchased in blue (which I had seen relatives do for other's babies.)
I didn't care what the sex of the baby was, so I didn't need time to get used to the idea of what I was having.
I wasn't going to be surprised either way because I'm not surprised by things that have a ~50% chance of happening. (Like if my weather app says there's a 50% chance of rain, I'm not surprised to see rain, but I'm also not surprised if it doesn't rain.)
I would have bought and read the same things whether I was having a boy or a girl because I chose things that I liked and wanted to use for my child. I didn't feel the need to do a ton specific gender- (or really, sex-) based prep for my baby.
To avoid gender disappointment. Hard to be disappointed when you're holding your new baby in your arms for the first time. I had c sections which feel very clinical and getting to find out the gender at birth brought some "magic" back into it
We are having a boy, being inundated with gendered clothes or toys has not been my experience. I picked my baby shower theme to be the same as my nursery and everyone really leaned into it, some people wore costumes and it was a lot of fun planning for our little guy!
Nobody needs to study up on how to wipe a female infant's butt. It takes like, one try to figure it out.
And in terms of circumcision, you can take an afternoon and figure out all you need to know about it. It's not rocket science.
The only "preparing" you really need to do prior to a birth is if you want to make sure you have gendered clothes and toys for a newborn, which aren't necessary.
Its fun to speculate through the pregnancy. I've done both and I preferred being team green.
My husband wanted to know with this one and just during to some outside circumstances I agreed to find out. I don't like regret finding out, just I've preferred the pregnancy I was green. It was just a bit of fun.
I hope to have one more baby after this one and it WILL be team green. I did NIPT with this current pregnancy so we found out that way but next pregnancy we would use one of our frozen embryos which have been PGT-A tested (no sex info as I'm in Canada and illegal to disclose sex pre-implantation). Since I know those embryos are genetically euploid I can skip NIPT and just stay green.
As for preparedness,
I may have felt that way with my 1st (who we did find out prenatally) but then once I had I baby I realized they really don't need much as newborns. So I got a few neutral outfits in size NB for my 2nd and just planned to shop if we had an opposite.
(Turns out I had 3 girls anyway).
I agree with the commenters about avoiding certain gifts, etc, but i also dont see people talking about gender disappointment in the comments!!! I dont know that ill have any feelings either way but I cant imagine feeling even slightly disappointed learning all about that baby right after delivering.
Like my love is already so immense for this child i dont want to set any personal expectations or anything on them.
Also,
When I was team green I posted an ambiguous birth announcement of baby in a neutral outfit, welcoming 'our second child'. I made people actually come visit if they wanted to find out. It was kind of funny when my FIL showed up on his lunch break 'I can't take it anymore I need to know!!!!'
We are waiting. It’s been great and fun making guesses and picking out two different names. I have a ton of super cute gender neutral clothes and will add personal touches for gender and name once they are born (in room and with clothes). Clothes can be used for the next kiddo as well. Also you can learn about both genders before having the baby…. Lol. Circumcision isn’t necessary and my husband and I are choosing not to do that but even if you do google exists for a reason and same with any classes you can take.
Personally, I could never wait. I don't care what gender my child is, but I do need an adjustment period to get prepared. My first was a girl, and this one is a boy. This brought up the discussion of circumcision this time. I was fully against it and my husband was fully for it. But I've been doing research and talked to OB about it as well. I'm starting to lean towards doing it. I still feel bad cutting off a part that my baby grew, but I guess it will benefit him in the end. But as far as things like gendered gifts, I am totally against that. I dressed my daughter in blue all the time (it's my favorite color). I bought her dolls and dinosaurs (because dinosaurs are awesome, duh) and cars. And if someone wants to give my son a doll, go for it.
FTM and Team green here! I’ve always wanted it to be surprise, My husband desperately wanted to find out. I think it’s one of life’s few last surprises. I wouldn’t say I feel unprepared, I’m definitely scared of becoming a parent though! They just send you home from the hospital without a user manual?? How am I supposed to keep them alive??
I really liked the curiosity that comes along with not knowing the sex until birth. I felt like family had to get a little more creative in how they thought about baby too. Basically fewer weird stereotypes. As for the logistics like circumcision, we just talked through those different choices for either sex. The most inconvenient part was having to come up with boy and girl names.
Also I didn’t want a bunch of gendered clothes and gifts.
Why would you need to research those things? Cleaning a babies bum is a simple thing. A lot of parents learn on the job. Circumcision is unnecessary unless for a medical reason.
I saw the penis on the ultrasound, so I was pretty sure even before they told me. If I have another, I think it might be nice to try and keep it a secret.
I decided to find out (I’m just very impatient/curious, I guess!) and my partner has opted not to know. His reasoning for waiting is that 1) he doesn’t believe it matters in the grand scheme of things, we will raise them fairly similarly no matter their gender, and 2) he thinks it will be a nice surprise to find out at the birth
We waited until birth to find out. Neither my husband or I had any real desire to know the sex beforehand, and all of our family thought it was great we were having a surprise. It wasn't hard to prepare- there is a lot of gender neutral stuff for newborn babies. I also ended up buying a lot of blue-coloured clothes, because I was 90% sure our baby would have blue eyes, plus blue looks great on both myself and my husband.
Got a blue-eyed girl who looks great in blue!
We've never found out before the birth, and it's been exciting every time.
Find out when you want to find out! That said, I think you're grasping at straws for the things that need advance preparation. Our childbirth class went over female anatomy care and circumcision. Neither subject took more than like 15 minutes; I've spent more time looking up nonsense like "what is skibbidy toilet?"
Regarding purchases: stuff you buy can easily be gender neutral, especially in newborn sizes. Babies really aren't very gendered. The newborn days are wonderful but feel endlessly long; there's plenty of time for buying bigger clothes. It's smart to buy strollers and car seats in neutral colors anyway if you might have more kids and wouldn't re-buy everything.
I've noticed that, when people ask about the gender, "we're not finding out" almost always leads to a longer conversation and things like "it's one of the few surprises you get as an adult!" get said. That probably sounds like implied judgment for people who do find out, but I don't think it actually is; if the answer was "boy" or "girl", there would still be comments like "boys always love their moms the most!" or "ohhh, a little princess!" The format just seems to be "ask gender, get answer, say something positive that implies that that outcome is the best". So if you're feeling judged by hearing about other people's non-finding-out, they're probably just following the format and it's not that deep.
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We went through infertility treatment to have our first. The whole process was full of 'bad' surprises and was so medicalized and scheduled we wanted to keep the sex as a 'good' surprise for birth. I loved the moment of my husband leaning over and saying, "It's a (baby's name)" so much that we are team green for our second, who was spontaneously conceived. On a more practical note it stopped family and friends from inundating us with gendered clothes and toys so we can reuse a lot of things regardless of the sex of our second.
This is so sweet. So funny how similar experiences can result in such different feelings. For us having experienced infertility and bad surprises for so long, we were ready to hear the sexes of our embryo babies and knew which we were transferring I think out of clinging on to the hope that it could become real. But equally, I think if anything went wrong it would have been harder to let go of. Being 100% happy with either gender and being fairly gender neutral in my style, knowing the gender felt purely like a way to bond which I felt I had been waiting so long to do.
I love that you found it as a a way to bond after waiting so long ❤️
Love this!!
That’s so awesome! I understand 100% about the infertility treatment process being so medicalized. Feel free to ignore this question, I’m not sure if I should be asking here. Did you get pregnant quickly with your second?
I was only 8 months postpartum and we weren’t trying. I have diminished ovarian reserve and after many failed treatments with my own we used donor eggs to have our wonderful daughter ❤️ This second pregnancy is full of wonderful surprises! 🤣
Wow! I’ve heard people say that happens sometimes, but never came across someone who actually experienced it! That is so amazing! Congrats!! ❤️
This is my exact reasoning.
❤️
Literally us. The moment my husband teared up and turned to me to say "it's a girl!!!" is burned in my memory forever. ❤️😭
Makes perfect sense! ❤️
We are waiting, baby due in just a few weeks. I didn’t want a bunch of gendered baby gifts and it’s been fun knowing we have this one big surprise waiting for us at birth.
I wanted to wait too for that exact reason! Also I really don't care what the gender is, so I see no rush in knowing. But my husband wanted to know, I think because the pregnancy understandably feels more abstract to him. So our compromise is that we know but we won't tell anyone else.
My husband actually does know! He found out at the anatomy scan. I still don't know (32 wks). He's been really good about keeping it secret. The upside is he can order anything I could want for their birth for announcement purposes (which I deff had him do lol)
That’s cute!
This is what we’re doing too!
My husband and I didn’t wait, but according to my MIL’s friends that are going to the shower they, “can’t tell it’s for a boy.” Okay… Sorry I didn’t want blue dinosaurs all over my registry. I’m not a sad beige Mom. I have plenty of color on my registry. I just didn’t think I needed anything that was explicitly masculine. I guess people (maybe older people?) want to buy gendered things. Just feels strange to me seeing that if we have another I’d like to reuse whatever I can without giving it too much thought.
I haven’t even seen anything explicitly gendered in colour when I’ve been shopping. Half my stuff is a soft mint green or sage green tbh cause it’s my fav colour lol
My husband and I know the sex but aren't sharing with anyone. I love sharks and marine life so I'm doing a lot of those themes for nursery decor and I would regardless of sex- but I know so many people are going to assume boy because of that. Sharks are gender neutral!
I love that! “Sharks are gender neutral” made me giggle. They totally are! Everyone loves Shark Week! 🦈 We picked Adirondacks and woodland critters for our theme. I said as soon as we found out we were expecting that would be the theme regardless of gender.
I got a lot of pink frilly floral for my first (a daughter) and my son now looks great in them lol. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed overtly boy on a girl but I think all babies can wear pretty pink florals. There are a few things I didn’t keep, apparently I draw the line on dresses. But all baby sleepers and onesies are fair game.
I got so much pink stuff for my daughter, it’s was… a lot. I’m not even that into pink. This next one we’ll be doing a lot more gender neutral colors.
This exactly!
I did this too! I also asked that my husband be the first one to tell me the gender after our baby was born
My OB said that’s what they always do for surprise babies and my husband has been so excited for that moment
Everyone on my in-laws side has been giving us a hard time. They said they have no idea what to get us and we can’t prepare because we don’t know. But, like… most of the baby gear is black or gray anyways. And, the baby will be born in the peak of summer. They’re going to be living in white t-shirt onsies for a while. Besides, if I got all gendered clothing and supplies, then we’d need to buy a whole new set of stuff if baby #2 is the other gender. Why waste money like that when hand me downs are perfectly fine?
Same but I wanted to know, so we know but aren’t telling. The hard thing is I really wanna tell my mom, who is super duper feminist, but it feels unfair to hell her and not my in-laws who’d absolutely go all in on pink for my girl. I know once she arrives I won’t be able to shield her from sexism, but I can for now.
It’s good motivation during labor to push
My husband and I decided we would want to wait when we were expecting. Now I’m 21 weeks and we’re enjoying not knowing! We’ve gotten so many “but what will you do about the nursery?” And my response is “well is your kitchen, living room, and bedroom gendered?” Gender neutral is the way to go and can all be reused for future kids!
This!!! So freaking true! We waited and everyone gave us such a hard time. It was so strange. We weren’t under prepared, we didn’t feel unready at all. It also gave me the opportunity to pick out clothes I wanted my baby to wear and not random clothes everyone else wanted my baby to wear.
This is such an unexpected benefit! I know lots of people who had to redo their nursery completely since they made it so gendered! So much of my infant stuff is neutral!
Love this response to the decor question!
We are month twins! Haha
I’m right on the cusp of October and November so it’ll be a surprise for me!
I'm not sure I agree with your 'unprepared' examples. It doesn't take long to learn how to clean a vulva. Just wipe front to back. It also would take a quick conversation or google to learn that. I also don't agree that male circumcision is necessary, but if required, again can be researched regardless of sex. We didn't find out because honestly, I can't understand what I would need to prepare for either gender. All babies sleep, drink milk and need clothes / nappies at the beginning, regardless of gender. Clothes can be gender-neutral too (which is my preference). We enjoyed the surprise at the end of a hard journey like labour. The sex didn't matter to us, so we didn't care about knowing in advance.
Was looking for this comment. I can understand people feeling unprepared if they need to buy as they go (for more gender preferred items like clothes) but her husband will have to learn to wipe a vulva at the same time whether they know in advance or not, and you’re pregnant for 9 months…research circumcision and make your decision together before birth. If it’s a girl, a non issue but if it’s a boy, you’ve got your decision made. I wanted to wait to find out but my husband just couldn’t bring himself to agree to that. I would have bought newborn clothes for each gender and shopped for the gender I got post birth for all sizes after. I bought gender neutral gear anyway.
Yep. That was really not a big deal. Plus, every baby may have unique things required for their care (ie a tongue tie, or needing a helmet for a misshaped head, etc) so learning on the fly is sort of part of the job anyways haha!
I will say the preparation for some people is more mental. I had a friend who literally cried when she delivered another boy bc she wanted a girl so bad. If someone really has a preference, better to mentally prepare yourself early than be disappointed in the delivery room 😬
I worked with a woman who had 6 boys and had a surprise for pregnancy number 7. Her reasoning was the opposite- for her temperament, it was better to learn the 'disappointing' news face to face with her baby, where she couldn't be disappointed but just delighted to meet them (rather than being disappointed by scan results without the joy of a new babe in front of her). It made sense to her I guess!
My husband and I have genetic disorders, and with his it could have different symptoms depending on sex. So we do need to be prepared in that way, learning the different signs and symptoms to look out for in the days and weeks following birth. I also just like having as much data as possible about my child. But yeah for most people, there really isn't a lot of gender specific preparation for babies that can't be learned on the fly.
My only reason for wanting to know is to have name options ready! We’ve been trying a while so we have had LOADS of names on a list but we’re finding boy names so bloody difficult to agree on and stick to. We are gonna wait to see what suits them regardless but it’s nice having the list ready (and if it’s a girl we’re pretty solid on the same name so we can stop worrying about boy names for now 😅)!
A lot of women want that extra motivation to get them through the pain of labor - the excitement of finding out gender is something to focus their mind on. Other women just don’t care and wouldn’t prepare anything different for a boy or girl. If your nursery is going to be all pastels and baby animals it doesn’t matter if you’re having a boy or girl, and you just pick two names instead of one :)
Yeah I'm confused by the "unprepared" comment. What do you need to prepare differently if it's a boy vs. girl?? It's a baby. Same shape diapers, onesies, car seats, etc. To be fair, I would have been happy to wait for the surprise reveal at birth, but my husband wants to know. He said it would help him feel more attached to the baby, imagining the kind of person they might become. All the physical changes are happening to me, not him, so whatever helps him feel more connected and bond before the baby is even here sounds good to me. We would be equally delighted with either sex. When I was pregnant last year, he admitted he was hoping for a girl, while I was hoping for a mini version of him lol. Unfortunately we lost our son at 16.5 weeks via TFMR due to a rare chromosomal abnormality not compatible with life. I'm now 9.5 weeks and hoping for smoother sailing this time, but couldn't care less about the sex. Just want a healthy baby. My dad (lovely but sometimes obtuse) already said with a face, "you guys aren't going to do some stupid gender reveal thing, are you?" And even though I had never planned to do one (not my thing, don't love the emphasis), I shot back, "this baby deserves to be celebrated. So yeah maybe we will do a colorful cake!" And now I'm considering it. Any excuse for cake, am I right?? Actually, as I typed this out, I realized this could solve a problem for us. We are moving to another continent when I will be around 24 weeks. It seems super early to do a baby shower and we also really can't take much stuff with us. But I still want to be able to celebrate with my people. Maybe if we call it a gender reveal instead of a baby shower people won't feel obligated to bring gifts we can't move?
We did a funfetti cake! We knew the sex but weren't sharing (we didn't tell people we knew). It wasn't a baby shower, just a joyous get together to celebrate new life. We didn't request gifts and didn't call it a baby shower - no one brought gifts.
I’m sorry for your previous loss. Hope everything goes smooth with this one. Just out of curiosity, was the rare chromosomal abnormality caught by the NIPT?
No. Our NIPT results were totally fine, it was CVS that caught it. I'd read Emily Oster's book Expecting Better and then some recent peer-reviewed articles about different testing options before I got pregnant. The stats people cite about the risk of triggering a miscarriage from CVS or amniocentesis are totally outdated. These are incredibly safe procedures for mom and baby (if a bit uncomfortable) and you can get a LOT more info from them than a blood test. They are diagnostic, whereas NIPT is a screening tool that can detect certain markers and calculate risk of a problem (which would then require CVS, amnio, etc. to diagnose anyway). Having learned this, and knowing my age put us at higher risk of chromosomal abnormalities, I insisted on CVS. I even had to go in a second time because they just couldn't get a good angle on the placenta during the first appointment. I'm so thankful I insisted, even though I never really imagined it was actually necessary. It meant we learned of our diagnosis (Pallister-Killian Syndrome) at 14.5 weeks and I was able to terminate at 16.5. If I hadn't had CVS, we likely would not have learned about our baby's condition until the 20-week scan, at which point a D&E would not have been the recommended option. I likely would have had to be induced to deliver. Knowing what I know, I can't imagine NOT doing CVS. I'm counting down the days. We can do the appointment in 2 weeks, then we'll wait 2 more weeks for results. We're not even bothering with NIPT.
Agreed, I don't know what preparations need to be made regarding gender. We waited to find out, but still had conversations about circumcision, in case it was a boy. So besides that, and having multiple names lined up (presumably gendered), I don't know what kind of prep is needed/changes. We were indecisive for a name so had a short list of multiple names anyway. Tbh, plenty of people will still get gendered baby clothes and gifts once baby arrives. But if you plan on having multiple kids/pregnancies, you'll have more socially acceptable clothing to reuse if they're gender neutral (hence less prep next time). Also, the L&D nurses were excited that we didn't know the sex and took a tally of what people thought. I think it switches things up for them or at least is an easy/fun talking point with your patient.
Do a gender conceal party! Inside the cake is *green* icing, with a note "we're just so happy they're healthy". Advertise it as a "gender conceal, we just want to celebrate the pregnancy" party to everyone except your dad 😉
You really don’t deserve the downvotes! What is wrong with the people on Reddit?? This is hilarious idea I might use for my baby shower.
I don't know why you got downvoted, we're doing green and purple inside cupcakes to F with people. Other people getting hung up on the sex of someone else's child is insanely stupid.
It’s magic, you are the first person to see your tiny human and know who they are. I did it with both of mine and it was so special 🥰
Agree! I’ve kept 2/3 of my kids a surprise and now I’m 20 weeks and also not finding out. It is way more exciting when the baby is actually here and you’re holding them for the first time vs a nurse sharing it or a gender reveal. Outside of gendered clothing/decor which involves money and returns I’m not sure what else wouldn’t be able to be prepared for. OPs examples of circumcision and cleaning girls is something you can easily prepare for both. “If it’s a boy let’s decide if we are going to circumcise”…..”if it’s a girl these are things to expect…” right??
I’ve done both way and finding out at the birth feels so much more special to me. Versus a random ultrasound tech saying “it’s a boy”…”okay”…
Exactly this. Waited until birth with my first and it was so cool having my husband catch our baby and tell me their name/gender as he put the baby on my chest. Compared to opening our NIPT results with our second and just seeing "low risk for disorders and oh also it's a boy" which was like...yay I guess? I would definitely wait until birth again for any future pregnancies. I don't understand why people say "it's a surprise regardless of when you find out" when one way is typically super clinical and impersonal.
Yeah the ‘it’s a surprise either way’ is just not at all the same. We waited with my first and it was the best surprise of my life!!! I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it. With my daughter it was like ‘it’s a girl.’ Hmm okay now I have another 28 weeks left to wait for her and wonder if everything is okay. It’s still so nebulous when you find out about the gender and you’re only 12 weeks along.
My reason is entirely selfish… for years it has infuriated me to see how many people skip the baby registry and bring a mom a ton of gendered newborn clothes. Onesies are $1 at goodwill. Registries are filled with items that mothers truly need. I would rather someone spend money on something that is useful to me rather than expensive clothes that my baby will outgrow in a month.
Yes! I think more people purchased from the registry because they were at a loss of what to get! Plus we were cloth diapering so we said no diapers.
Along with other reasons mentioned, another fun thing about not finding out is the names! My parents didn't find out with me, so they had two names chosen. I always really liked knowing what my name would've been if I'd been born a boy! I like that all my kids get "what if" names too
There aren't many opportunities for genuine surprises in life. But giving birth and then learning the sex of your baby is a HUGE surprise! I'd like to wait to find out because I never get surprised by anything, even when my husband proposed to me I knew it was going to happen then and it wasn't a surprise (I love him to death and am honored he asked me to marry him; I just wasn't surprised lol). Also, I've heard people talk about how they receive weird comments from family and friends about the baby's sex when they do disclose it. Stuff like "Oh, you're going to have your hands full because you're having a girl, and girls are dramatic and manipulative." I personally don't want to deal with the weird bias about the sex of the baby (whether it's a boy or girl), so not knowing the sex prevents those kinds of discussions. I'd also like more gender-neutral baby clothes, so again, not knowing the sex helps. Finally, it's hard to feel gender disappointment when you have a baby in your arms. I've heard lots of stories of people learning the sex during pregnancy and spending some amount of time mourning the gender they hoped for. I think I may be someone prone to gender disappointment, so I like the idea of not knowing so I can't get too attached to one vision of my child.
My husband and I are having a girl. People tell him: “A girl?? You’re going to have so much fun!” and to me they say “She’s going to hate you when she’s a teenager.” I don’t regret finding out but it is really annoying.
That sucks; I'm sorry. I think the other solution is to find out but not tell anyone the sex so you don't get as many stupid comments like that. But people be dumb and will still find a way to say something rude.
This is partly why I didn't want to know the gender in advance- I really, really wanted a girl, and I knew I'd experience some gender disappointment if I found out I was having a boy beforehand. I figured that I genuinely wouldn't care once the baby actually arrived. Ended up having a girl!
First baby. I didn't find out. It was hard, especially being a midwife and able to read scans, but it was really worth it to me. The 'Its a boy' was incredibly special at delivery and we were so shocked as we were convinced it was a girl. My husband and I cried such happy tears. Also, as most people do find out, it nice to tell people we didn't know, and they would get all excited to guess, or tell you what baby is 😂 We called baby 'peanut' or 't-rex'. The reason for us was there are so few surprises you can control in life. I was not unprepared whatsoever. Baby shower was beautiful . Rainbow themed beige,reds and burnt orange. Got a lot of beautiful grey and white clothing and bedding. Theme in his nursery was nautical /whales and my son never lacked for anything. I'd do it again.
imo you don't need to research every little thing. wiping a vagina can be learned in the hospital in about 6 seconds.
It motivated me to push. I was so excited to find out what he was. It was definitely motivation. Also hearing my partner “it’s a BOY!!!!” as we found out together. Added such a special moment for us. Less gender themed gifts too.
We waited to find out with our son and will be surprised again with this current baby. It's obviously really personal, but to me there are only so many true surprises in life. Let alone fun, good surprises. Babies don't have different needs dependent on gender. We just got neutral newborn clothing and bought more "boy" type onesies once we had him and knew he was a boy. The nursery was and still is the same before we knew his gender. I didn't find it to be as hard as it sounds to wait. Also, there was no way to predict this but my first was breech so I ended up needing a scheduled c section. Not knowing the gender really helped make it more fun because I lost the opportunity to go into labor, push, etc.
I don't want to find out firstly as my risk of miscarriage was high and I felt like I wanted to keep the pregnancy at an arms length. But also I love the old traditions, and after giving birth someone shouting 'its a ____!' is going to be such a wonderful memory. I don't plan on buying anything for the baby until very late on, or just waiting till they're here to buy clothes etc. Most of my family handmade hand me downs are yellow or white anyways, you just change the colour of the ribbons.
I’m not waiting to find out the gender because I need to know if i can reuse all my girl clothes or not and I need mental preparation also knowing the gender for me helps me bond with the baby that I’m growing. But I can see the appeal of people wanting to wait and have that extra surprise at birth!
I agree about the bonding aspect. It was also nice to not have to negotiate over a girl name and a boy name with my husband. I was also on the fence about circumcision and if our son was a girl I wouldn't have had to think about it... Alas we had a boy.
I just dislike the strongly gendered pink/blue things. Had a lot of people counteract that with “aw but neutral is always boring and beige”, when really we have found plenty neutral things in fun colours like reds, greens, etc. Additionally it means we can re-use things if we decide to have another baby. Babies are babies, there really is no difference between a boy or girl other than their parts. Plus, the additional surprise on the big day is something I’m really excited for. We have names picked, one for each, and I can’t wait to find out which one we will be using. Edit to add: this also ties in to not wanting to receive gendered gifts. So many people around me have unfortunately decided to wait til after the baby is born so they know whether to go pink or blue, despite me having made my feelings on it very clear. Your point about the genitals isn’t really applicable in all cases either. My partner knows how female anatomy works. And circumcision is absolutely nowhere near as big a thing in our country. I have my personal feelings on it that I won’t share here. I respect that there are people who do it for religious reasons and whatnot, but otherwise the way I’ve seen americans talk about uncircumcised penises is really strange (and bordering on body-shaming) to me, and I don’t understand the reasons for it being done. The only person I know irl with it, elected it as an adult due to health reasons.
Why would people who don’t find out be any less prepared than if you know the sex? Is how you plan to parent dependent on knowing baby’s sex?
Thank you!!
I waited with my first, and it was so fun. I have the vivid image of the doctor holding her up and going, “what is it mom and dad?” and my husband and I at the same time, “it’s a girl!” It didn’t affect anything that needed to be bought, and I didn’t feel unprepared at all.
People who wait to find out at birth think it’s a fun surprise. People who don’t wait would not find that fun and want to know. Different strokes. It’s not that deep.
This
We just think it’s fun to have a big surprise to get through the scariness of birth. It also keeps people from harassing you about names and what not, nobody bombards you with clothes instead of things you need at the baby shower, all of our basics are gender neutral so it doesn’t matter for a second if that’s something that bothers you. But also we just don’t agree with the fixation on baby genitals and the obsession people have with knowing the sex. We genuinely believe knowing the sex tells you very little about the baby
This is exactly my reasons, too. Our families had such a hard time with not knowing. We also cloth diapered and wiped so they couldn’t fall back on buying diapers and wipes, either. Interestingly, I think most people bought from the registry for the baby shower because they felt so unsure about what to buy. Of course, once he was born, they then had to go out and buy “boy” stuff. I’ve always said that if I find out the sex, I’m not telling anyone. ESPECIALLY if it’s a girl. No one needs an extra six months to buy clothes that she’s never get around to wearing.
This is exactly our experience! Everyone bought from our registry because they didn’t know what to do. Once she was born we got bombarded with dresses but I don’t care if they want to spend more of their own money, we got the shit we needed!
Framing it as a fixation on baby genitals is incredibly strange and off the wall. I think it just adds to the excitement and as OP mentioned in her edits, it helps prepare for health and hygiene differences. I don’t really like frilly dresses or using blue or pink based on gender so it’s not about little outfits or the aesthetic of the nursery either. It’s just a nice way to feel closer to the baby before they’re here.
Agreed. I think it’s so weird to frame it that way. I’m a cis-woman and that involves much more than just my genitals. Yes, sex and gender may be different, but to act like sex has zero effect for most people is delusional.
Because it’s fun, and I like not getting a bunch of gendered stuff. This is my fourth time not finding out and we’ve never felt unprepared - babies don’t need specific penis/vagina gear.
Specific penis/vagina gear😂 For real though I agree haha
I've always wanted to wait to find out so we could announce at the birth! We found out at the anatomy scan for all of our kids and this time, since we have girls and a boy, I've told my husband that we're finally doing it my way and not finding out. I'm so excited for my kids and my husband and myself to find out when baby comes out! How fun!!
We are not finding out until birth. We had three losses last year so the finding out we are pregnant this time wasn't as exciting as it is for most. I literally saw the 2 lines walked in to my husband and said "Well I am pregnant for now." Thankfully this one stuck so we are not finding out to make the birth a little more exciting since the finding out wasn't very.
My parents knee they wanted 3-4 kids and wanted to reuse stuff, so they wanted everything to be gender neutral, so they waited till birth for all 3 of us. So knowing the gender beforehand wouldn't have made a difference; it just would've gotten them more girl clothes and toys. Like when I learned the gender I only got baby girl items, no gender neutral anything. Jokes on them, though we were all born girls.
I like surprises and the gender wasn’t really important to me.
We knew for our first. It was nice. For the second we waited. I wanted to experience it at birth. It was also fun to try to come up with both names for a girl and a boy. We also had everything we needed so having a boy or a girl didn't really made any difference. Also for taking care of male or female genitalia, the nurses will tell you how if you ask. I found that discovering it at birth was 100 times more emotionally than it was when we new in advence with our first one. But this is personal to us.
There aren't many opportunities for genuine surprises in life. But giving birth and then learning the sex of your baby is a HUGE surprise! I'd like to wait to find out because I never get surprised by anything, even when my husband proposed to me I knew it was going to happen then and it wasn't a surprise (I love him to death and am honored he asked me to marry him; I just wasn't surprised lol). Also, I've heard people talk about how they receive weird comments from family and friends about the baby's sex when they do disclose it. Stuff like "Oh, you're going to have your hands full because you're having a girl, and girls are dramatic and manipulative." I personally don't want to deal with the weird bias about the sex of the baby (whether it's a boy or girl), so not knowing the sex prevents those kinds of discussions. I'd also like more gender-neutral baby clothes, so again, not knowing the sex helps. Finally, it's hard to feel gender disappointment when you have a baby in your arms. I've heard lots of stories of people learning the baby's sex during pregnancy and spending some amount of time mourning the gender they hoped for. I think I may be prone to gender disappointment, so I like the idea of not knowing so I can't get too attached to one vision of my child.
Something else to keep pushing for... Finding out on a scan is so anticlimactic. Imagine pushing the baby out of your body, and then you get to look and see what you've got, rather than someone simply telling you at the scan. People are so unable to wait for things these days. I actually think finding out at the scan and doing the whole "gender reveal" is so tacky and unnecessary - it becomes more about the parents than the child.
Could be said either way. Why do people find out before birth? It changes nothing. In our case, we just want to wait. I want my husband to experience the joy of being the first to see and know who our baby is and announce it to the room.
We’re waiting to find out (only 6 weeks left!) and we’re so happy we waited. We live in a 2 bedroom house and plan on having multiple kids so the babies future bedroom will be gender neutral regardless. It’s fun having people guess and it is a really easy neutral topic regarding pregnancy (if we’re talking about the baby’s gender, I don’t get as much unsolicited advice). At the end of the day there is a lot that I am not prepared for with regards to having our first baby but none of it has to do with gender.
With my first, I just really wanted the big surprise at the end. My brother and SIL did the same years prior and I’ll never forget everyone in the waiting room being so excited when my brother came out to announce it’s a girl (mind you that was in the early 2000s lol). With my second, I’m worried about gender disappointment and know that once the baby is in my arms, I won’t really care either way.
This is our 3rd child. First two were unplanned (but very happy about) and this one was planned. We’re even picking their birthday since it has to be a scheduled c-section. We have everything a baby could need that we saved from our toddler (who’s clothes and gear were fairly gender neutral to begin with), and the only surprise we’ll have is the gender. We thought it would be more exciting to wait till birth to find out. We don’t have to get anything to prepare, and have been through this twice. Just makes for a more exciting birth.
I thought it would be incredible to have that extra anticipation while giving birth and that it would enhance the moment even more. The ultimate moment of surprise! But…I blew it and found out as soon as humanely possible with both.
We have 1 boy and 1 girl. If we had a third (v unlikely) I would want to wait. We have everything already. I would love that excitement.
We didn't care about the sex of the baby and din't want gifts in all blue/pink. Also knowing the sex gives you expectations about the baby's behaviour, even if you know that character doesn't tie to the sex/gender unless you and society make that happen. So we wanted to be free of of those thoughts as long possible.
There's nothing I would need to look into beforehand. Like I dont think my husband would need to look into female anatomy and I would never circumcise unless there was a medical indication. I found out the first time and not the second, I preferred not finding out as I enjoyed the surprise. I dont like strongly gendered baby clothing, I had everything bought for the first year with my second without knowing the sex
We waited as it’s tradition on both sides of our family not to know the first born’s gender until birth. It made the waiting period fun and mysterious. We also had everyone guess what they thought the baby was going to be. I was completely wrong the whole time until about 10 minutes before our son was born 😅
There’s nothing you can’t prepare for just because you don’t know the sex of the baby
I hear you! Knowing she's a girl makes her feel so much more real to me
It's illegal to determine sex of the baby before birth here in India...so it's always goin to be a surprise for us 😀
We're not telling anyone that we found out because we don't want really gendered items. We want practical items! Also, it's nice not having the pressure about names or other comments about gender. Boy babies and girl babies both need the same things, you just need to be more careful about how you wipe girls.
There aren't many opportunities for genuine surprises in life. But giving birth and then learning the sex of your baby is a HUGE surprise! I'd like to wait to find out because I never get surprised by anything, even when my husband proposed to me I knew it was going to happen then and it wasn't a surprise (I love him to death and am honored he asked me to marry him; I just wasn't surprised lol). Also, I've heard people talk about how they receive weird comments from family and friends about the baby's sex when they do disclose it. Stuff like "Oh, you're going to have your hands full because you're having a girl, and girls are dramatic and manipulative." I personally don't want to deal with the weird bias about the sex of the baby (whether it's a boy or girl), so not knowing the sex prevents those kinds of discussions. I'd also like more gender-neutral baby clothes, so again, not knowing the sex helps. Finally, it's hard to feel gender disappointment when you have a baby in your arms. I've heard lots of stories of people learning the sex during pregnancy and spending some amount of time mourning the gender they hoped for. I think I may be someone prone to gender disappointment, so I like the idea of not knowing so I can't get too attached to one vision of my child.
My OB said a lot of people want to be surprised since there are only so many surprises in life. I’m not one of those people lol! Kudos to them though.
I had a friend try to convince me to wait til birth to find out the gender, but I’m so glad I didn’t because I ended up with an unplanned c section. I would’ve been even more upset to be the last person in the room to see my baby. Not to mention I felt so drugged up and high from the morphine. I didn’t even feel comfortable holding my son for several hours. Also, some women end up with emergency c sections so they would find out the gender when the wake up from anesthesia. Just not how I wanted it to go
So I waited for my first and honestly, I didn’t mind it at all. It was fun dreaming of both genders and picking out names for both. It was my first baby and I wasn’t under prepared at all. Probably over prepared. We had an awesome amount of neutral baby clothes. We even had some pink towels and pink wash cloths from people even though I had a boy but guess what, no one sees that and it’s just a towel and still use them lol. I think it was fun waiting because when I had my baby not only was it a surprise to us but a surprise to everyone. When they are born and you know the gender and announce it on social media or over text to family, the surprise factor goes away. But when you wait…it’s really cool seeing everyone’s reactions!! I also loved that people didn’t call my baby by their name when I was pregnant. Like if we knew we were having a boy, people would just say the name. I like when people say boy or girl. However, I’m pregnant with my second and I’m going back and forth on if I should wait or not. I think the gender reveals with the cakes and the cups are sooo cute and simple. I really want to do one but I also don’t want to loose the surprise factor.
We waited! My husband originally vaguely wanted to know but I really strongly didn’t and we knew he couldn’t pull off knowing without telling me. He actually really wants to wait again next time! We didn’t want to be gifted anything strongly gendered as we know we want more kids. I thought it might be really motivating during birth to feel like there was so much more to meeting baby. We really wanted to have that moment right after the birth, and we wanted my husband to be the one to announce it. Honestly, we were so relieved to be holding her that we totally forgot to check for like twenty minutes after she was born; we suddenly realized we didn’t know which name to call her 😂 we’ll likely not find out next time either!! Fwiw the idea of preparation didn’t even occur to us; he has tons of nieces and nephews, I babysat big families for years, so there was nothing gender specific we had to learn. We talked about gender specific topics like circumcision and just conditionally decided what we would do
I just think it’s the most exciting surprise of my life and can’t wait to find out when the baby is handed to me. I honestly can’t understand why people find out. I am buying neutral things that can be used again so I don’t understand the issue with being prepared.
Finding out right after he was born was such a special moment. I also feel like you avoid any gender disappoint because the second they’re there you love them so much nothing matters. It was the best surprise of my life! We will do it again if we have a second!
You can prepare for both pretty easily. I waited because I didn’t want to know, simple as that! I also didn’t want anyone else to know either. I had a very good pregnancy with very little intervention, I knew how to care for babies, I knew what I’d do either way, and it just was more fun not knowing. I think it’s just a matter of preference for the experience you want to have.
And 100% did not want anything gendered. It’s annoying and overwhelming. And I knew people wouldn’t listen to neutral unless they didn’t know 🤷♀️
I think some people just have more willpower than me 😭 me and my husband can’t even keep surprises like birthday gifts from each other lmao
We waited during my first pregnancy because while it might be a surprise either way, it was a way cooler surprise having my husband catch our baby, place him on my chest, and say "we have a son". We found out early with our second baby and it was super underwhelming. We also didn't get any clothes when I was pregnant with my first because nobody knew the gender. We received actual useful items from the registry. There's literally nothing you have to prepare differently for, other than perhaps discussing with your partner whether or not you want to circumcise if it's a boy. We had a name picked out for each gender and that was really all we had to prepare for.
I originally wanted to wait because it seems like such an amazing moment of meeting your child and finding out the gender all at once. But then I realized I had an extremely strong preference, and if I didn't find out I would be constantly anxious throughout the whole pregnancy. I tend to ruminate and spiral easily. I also didn't want to have any disappointment at the birth that might cloud the joyful experience of welcoming my child. So I decided to find out as early as possible so that I could either have plenty of time to process and come to acceptance and fall in love with my baby or to relax and be excited and just enjoy the pregnancy without worrying about the gender.
I’m waiting this time because they got it wrong last time!
Oh my... you Mommas are so patient. We're ready to know as soon as my NIPT comes back. I couldn't wait till mid-January.
Finding out in the OR was the best gender reveal. I’ll never forget that moment 🥺
Well your reasonings aren’t things my husband and I need to prepare for. We wouldn’t circumcise our son, and we both know how to clean boys and girls. If we didn’t know, we would just learn both because it’s important to learn about the human body either way. There’s nothing we need to prepare for that would warrant us needing to know the gender beforehand. Babies need food, shelter, and love. They don’t care what color the nursery walls are.
We were waiting so we don't get anything gendered. We did end up finding out, but we aren't sharing. I just think of that moment in the delivery room where it is a complete surprise, and I do think I want that for my next one (if I am lucky enough to have a next one!)
For me personally, I don’t really like surprises. And knowing the gender asap made my little girl feel more real to me. Especially since we now knew what we were going to name her. But everyone is different and I get the sentiment and reasons others would rather find out at birth.
I found out from my NIPT stuff or some other testing the first time just from reading my own chart. But I didn't care either way. I don't know if we will bother to find out this time... Honestly as long as baby is healthy, I don't really care. Babies are gonna baby either way and there isn't really any difference. We already know if it's a boy we won't be circumcising, and if it's a girl...well we've got one. Healthy baby is the goal, regardless of which bits they come out with.
People project a lot of strange gendered expectations onto a child that hasn’t even been born yet, I want to try and shield my baby from gendered expectations for as long as possible. It’s also a fun surprise to look forward to. I might find out if I have a second but keep it a secret.
I have waited for both children, the absolute most emotional and thrilling moment of my life is seeing my husband’s face when he says ITS A GIRL/BOY!! Absolutely no feeling like it and I’d take that moment over being “prepared”for a gender any day. My extended family also loves the drama of guessing in a group chat once I go into labor and waiting in the hospital waiting room for my husband to come down and reveal the baby’s gender and name. It’s so exciting and fun. It also really helped me through labor as I was finally about to know this precious info!! You can read up on caring for both gender needs before hand if you’d like, outside of general gender related care like you mentioned (wiping, circumsicion decisions) newborns are newborns!
It was just such a lovely moment, my husband telling me it was a boy! Even though we both thought I was having a girl and only had girls' names, the second I heard,'it's a boy!' I was like, well, duh, of course it's a boy! We decorated the baby's room neutrally, with some teddy bear stickers. We were looking for new knobs for wardrobes, etc, and found some perfect ones on etsy. Only the teddy bears either had blue or pink on them. At that point, my (very impatient and likes things completed yesterday) husband suggested we find out the gender 😂 I, however, put my foot down and managed to find knobs where the teddy bears were wearing brown instead, phew!
Historically, you didn't find out the sex of the baby until birth, and so finding out at birth was a rite of passage. It's not as much about the surprise as it is about the ritual *of* surprise at that particular moment in time. I knew that my embryos were girls from before they were even put into my body. Initially I didn't want to find out because I didn't want to be tempted to choose, but when I was told all of them were the same gender, I decided to find out. But the thing is, you hear stories all the time about the gender being misidentified. I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry about getting girl stuff and ending up with a baby boy. And what if we'd already emotionally committed to raising a girl and now we have to restructure the future we'd dreamed of? Sometimes I do think that waiting until birth would prevent these issues. Obviously there's also the part of having to tell other people if the gender ends up being wrong. Choosing names is the other thing. If you didn't know, you'd normally have two names planned. But if you do know and it ends up wrong, many people simply didn't plan for a backup. I also have a friend who did the NIPT but couldn't bring herself to look at the gender because to her, the pregnancy didn't feel real just yet and looking meant committing to the idea of that baby. A lot of people feel that way, especially those with recurrent loss. It's almost like trying to delude ourselves into thinking that if we don't find out, we wouldn't be nearly as attached if we end up losing the baby. I'm not saying this is a healthy way to deal with it, and I'm not saying it works to soften the blow, but it is a mental process that a lot of us has to go through. We don't *want* to emotionally commit to a baby when we still feel like we could lose it at any moment. In China, it's generally not allowed to find out the gender beforehand in order to prevent abortions for the purpose of gender selection. This was more of an issue when the one-child policy was in place, and even then it was more prevalent among rural folks because most city folks like their daughters as much as their sons. Still, it was a common enough issue that it required government intervention to keep the gender ratio balanced. As far as preparation goes, I don't think cleaning female anatomy is any more of a learning curve than just learning to clean a baby, period. I'm sure nurses will teach you how to do things even if you come into the hospital with zero knowledge. For circumcision, you have so much time to research it beforehand. You don't need to be pregnant with a boy to look into those things. Also, I find that a lot of people already have a pretty good idea, often pretty strong stance, on circumcision already, based on their own or their family member's prior experiences.
For my husband, it’s about gender disappointment. He’s wanted a little girl for his first born since he was a teenager. If the ultrasound showed it was a boy, he’d have 20 more weeks to ruminate on that. Right now, the baby isn’t really real to him because he’s not the one that’s pregnant. It’ll hit him when they’re here. And he feels like if he finds out it’s a boy when the baby is actually here, he’ll be so excited that they’re just alive and healthy and real that he won’t care about the gender
As soon as I got my NIPT test done I absolutely couldn’t wait. I baked a colored cake and my partners and I cut it that evening after work. I thought about keeping it a surprise for 4 seconds, then couldn’t lol!
We announced our NIPT result at our wedding 4 days later. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. We have a group photo with everybody's reactions ❤️
I partly didn't want gendered clothing, and I just didn't want to deal with follow up questions. My husband knows enough through me to be able to handle it if he's a girl. I have given him the choice for circumcision if it's a boy because I don't feel right making a choice about parts I don't have. I used to be curious in the first trimester. I also have a lot of fun with ppl predicted based on the most asinine myths and it's fun for me to contemplate both. Now at 32 weeks I have no desire at all to know before they are here! I just know whoever they are I can't wait to meet them
We find out but keep it to ourselves. It drives my MIL bonkers to not have every detail of her son’s business. And it’s nice to keep something for ourselves
I just want people pissed off that they dont know my baby’s genitalia! Hahahaha
Cause I hate the obsession people have with “boy stuff” and “girl stuff” and all gender stereotypes. Even when we did find out with our first that it would be a girl I said to everyone just cause it’s a girl PLEASE do not get just pink frilly things. Which family respected. I like to dress our babies in all things until they have their own preferences. Also things like circumcision are easy to research beforehand and things like anatomy and diaper changes are easy to learn on the fly.
I think its enough of a suprise what the baby actually looks like at birth, could never wait for knowing the gender
I wanted to find out as soon as possible
I’m with you Op. The only thing I can think of is that knowing the gender may get ppl attached to the baby and if anything would happen they would feel worse compared to not knowing.
I'm with you. A new baby comes with SOO many surprises and unknowns. For me there is no way I am waiting. My spouse wanted to wait and I didn't, in the end he let me choose. I like to be prepared and I love decorating, and I actually don't like gender neutral colours besides grey. Can't stand yellow and green. I want both genders so there won't be any disappointment. You are right...it's a surprise either way.
With my first we found out as soon as we possibly could, it didn't really feel "real" until we could picture the baby if that makes sense. I'm currently pregnant with my second after a year of trying and ultimately IVF and after all the hullaballoo we are waiting until birth to find out. For me, it's the first time in my life I genuinely don't have a gender preference - we have a boy and I imagine having brothers, but a girl would be a delightful surprise. We already have all the baby stuff we need, and my son's hand me downs will work for either sex. And IVF removes a lot of the surprise/excitement from the early days of pregnancy, so we're trying to make up for it a bit. I couldn't imagine not knowing for my first, but now that we've done it once before I feel like knowing the sex wouldn't change anything about how we prepare for #2. Totally personal preference, but it felt right to wait this time around!
I kept mine a surprise and am so glad I did! My labor felt like a slumber party with all of us guessing the gender and our reasons for it. I also knew i slightly preferred a gender but knew that i would be so happy with regardless once i met them. It was magical and will absolutely keep it a surprise again.
I waited til birth to find out the gender and I probably will for any future baby’s. For me it was just because I wanted that surprise in the moment.. which was the most special moment of my life to be honest. Also I have two nephews and a niece so I had all the hand me downs I could need regardless of the gender. I prepare with making a gender neutral nursery and getting a few gender neutral newborn outfits. Not to say it’s not a big surprise finding out at 20 weeks but I felt that there are so few big surprises in life and I wanted this to be one of them. I was 100% convinced I was having a boy because I knew deep down I really wanted a girl.. so seeing that little girl at the end of a painful labour was incredible.
I’m a FTM waiting till birth for the big reveal!! I just feel like some people put a ton of expectations on a human who hasn’t even introduced themselves yet … if I were to find out it’s gonna be a girl, people would be all “pink and bows and headbands and bunnies” and a boy would be “fish and tractors and green and blue.” But in reality, I’m a woman (lol) and I very much hate gendered expectations and love fishing, and the colors blue and green. I don’t care about a gendered nursery, onesies, toys, etc bc babies are just tiny humans! Still gotta develop their own personalities, likes and dislikes, yada yada. Maybe a little girl of mine will love the color pink and have a dinosaur obsession, maybe a little boy would like to play princesses with his trucks. I want to allow them to experience all the things and pick and choose what makes them happy! Re: cleaning baby parts and circumcision, I babysat tons of babies and my husband will get hands-on experience in Sept when we visit to help out my bro w his newborn daughter and 1 year old son. We’re Jewish, so circumcision would be an at-home thing w a rabbi and moyel.
I'm still undecided honestly. I personally don't want to find out, because i personally have no preference and would prefer not receiving gender specific gifts. But my bf really wants to know, so i think we probably will find out. I think the surprise would be cool, but I've also had a friend make it to her labor and the nurse mentioned "It won't be too long til she meets him" so she knew then it was a boy, and i've obviously heard stories of ultrasound techs slipping up, I'm high risk and will most likely have regular ultrasounds so IF i'm going to find out i'd rather do it on my own terms and not by accident if that makes sense? Also, for being "unprepared", there really isn't much to prepare differently between a boy and a girl, I'll show my bf how to properly change a diaper once and he'll be fine after that, i don't think he needs to study up on that. As for a circumsition, we're personally not doing it, but i've had friends who have, and in Canada they don't do it in hospitals anymore, so you go to a separate clinic a few days later, so i'm guessing those who wait to be surprised can call to book their appointment later and i'm assuming the doctor will give instructions on how to take care of it.
So I've now had a boy and a girl. If I were to ever get pregnant again, God please no, I wouldn't find out prior to birth.
I’m assuming most people do it because they want to be surprised? If they have a baby shower or something I usually just get gender neutral items or diapers.
We’re waiting. It’s harder than I expected. But it’s fun, guessing and thinking. And a positive wait, not that kids aren’t positive but childbirth and sleep deprivation and life hits you, it’s something just for us.
For me, it just seems natural that I wouldn't know until birth. You have to be radiated or poked to find out and they could still be wrong even though it's mostly accurate. Most things for newborns are gender neutral anyway. I dont know what I need to prepare for other than names lol Weve already decided against circumcision, and my partner and I will need to learn our baby when baby is here. We also will likely have more than one child after this one comes. So for me it would be fun but also isn't going to change much if I know ahead.
You have 10 whole months to research how to care for genitalia. I wanted to set up my baby as best as I could to one day tell me who they are rather than to assign them a gender based on DNA by at least waiting as long as possible. I know the world will immediately influence them in regard to their genitalia when they're born, but the least I can do is wait until birth and take newborn photos they hopefully won't resent one day.
I'm with you. My husband and I did months of research on circumcision or not. I would've felt so under prepared if we didn't have that time.
Some people like the surprise Id just end up getting gender neutral things just to be prepared then go shopping when the baby is there
I really romanticized that moment of labor and delivery when the doctor exclaims the sex of the baby shortly after he or she is born. That just seemed like such a special moment to me. It didn’t quite go that way for me, I delivered early at 29 weeks and nothing about that was anything I had dreamed or imagined…but I’ll never forget that moment when the nurse told me I had a son and I looked over at my husband who was full of tears and we said his name together. It also was more practical to get as much gender neutral clothing and baby gear as possible for my first. Not that I would have cared if my boy rocked a pink bouncer, but it’s just easier dealing with other people if the majority of my baby gear is neutral. For my second we found out during an ultrasound and it was still great just not quite as dramatic and memorable. I would have loved to be “team green” again but my husband really wanted to know this time.
It seems fun to be surprised, but I am not that patient!
Honestly, it’s amazing to wait. We waited for our first. We found out for the second. There is literally nothing you need to do for either sex before birth. Years ago people couldn’t find out and everything was just fine! It’s still that way. It makes it that much more exciting!! I challenge you not to find out.
We are waiting. Personally to me it is more special to wait. I find it peaceful not knowing, knowing the baby is healthy is all I cared about.
I waited for my first one. It was just more exciting to me that way. I didn't feel unprepared at all - I knew I was having a baby and prepared for that. I like the mystery and the anticipation, and I truly did not have a preference either way. I knew I was going to be happy no matter what, so who cares? Why rush? This time, my husband wants to find out so we'll find out at the anatomy scan. We did it my way the first time, only fair we do it his way the second.
We are waiting on our second. We couldn’t wait for our first. In my experience, they go over anatomy differences in the hospital.
My whole life whenever I envisioned having a baby, I just always saw myself waiting to find out the sex until birth.
If you are planning to have another child, it’s helpful to have others buy gender neutral clothes and baby items because this can potentially make your next baby’s hand me downs easier and cheaper as those items won’t be gender-based.
Due our second in a week. Didn’t find out with our first either and now we can reuse all the clothes etc we have from our first because they are all neutral. There’s just something nice about not knowing what you’re having, it really motivated me through labour. Most special part was my husband telling me the gender too. Magic!
I think because it’s a nice surprise at the time of the birth, and I’ll be happy at that point no matter what the gender is. Also it doesn’t hugely matter what the gender is in terms of buying and preparing stuff, it’s all mostly the same… and I prefer muted noted and gender neutral stuff anyway, I hate pink.
Where I live we have socialised health care, which is great but it only really covers things that are considered medically necessary. Because I was low risk I wasn't offered NIPT and at the 20 week scan they say they'll only tell you the baby's sex if it's obvious. They won't go out of their way to look, apparently it can be difficult to see depending on what position baby is in. They're focused on taking other measurements and things to check for health conditions. I was fully prepared to not know until I gave birth, but it was obvious at my scan he was a boy. It hasn't really changed anything I was doing. It narrowed down my name list and I started getting boy clothes as gifts, but apart from that everything was the same as before.
We waited (currently at 35 weeks) because the gender matters less than having a happy, healthy, smart baby. Also, I have really bad shopping habits but secretly hate 75% of the gender neutral baby items, so it's probably a good thing, lol. If I knew boy or girl, I would have bought sooooo many things. That being said, blue is a calming color and I decided on an Under the Sea theme for the nursery, so it'll be blue/green/beige even if we have a girl.
I wanted a healthy baby because it took awhile for us to get this far. We had a surprise pregnancy after going through one round of IVF and only made it to the egg retrieval part. We also didn't want gender specific clothes or toys. I don't see what the big deal is not finding out the sex. You can prepare for both scenarios.
I see your point that it’s a surprise either way!! I am impatient so I will not be waiting. I can hardly even wait to get to 10 weeks. I also love colors and have lots of girly stuff so I will lean into the cutesy clothes if she’s a girl, and for boy it would be helpful to know because I have two boys coming soon in my close circle so it would work out well for hand me downs. I think knowing will make it more real for me too!
I am pregnant with my 3rd child, and we are not finding out till birth. I wouldn't say that we're not prepared at all because I already have 1 boy and 1 girl. So, we literally have everything we need for either gender. I think there is definitely a difference between first-time parents and third-time parents lol.
My husband didn’t want to find out, and it’s ironically super practical IMO. I like earthy colors and nature themes which tend to be gender neutral anyways. We are pregnant with our second baby and plan to have more, and we will only have to store a small wardrobe of gender neutral clothes for the first 6 months (aside from a few girly items purchased after our first daughter’s birth) that will work for each of our babies. I also think girly/frilly baby clothes seem uncomfortable for baby when they are little and much prefer sleepers/onesies anyways. All our other stuff (blankets, bibs, crib sheets, etc.) are gender neutral too, so it’s nice to know we already have everything we need no matter this second baby’s gender. People also get you less gimmicky “dress up” type outfits, and more comfy basics you’ll actually use if they don’t know the gender. Also, I don’t mind my daughter being girly, but I don’t want all things “pink and princess” foisted upon her. I’d love her to develop her own interests outside of what society tells her she should like. If that’s princess stuff, great.🤷🏼♀️
Well, you pretty much covered all you need to “prepare” for. We’ve waited both times and were fully prepared for either sex. We decided our stance on circumcision and we reinforced butt wiping from front to back. (Pretty simple lesson tbh- the circumcision one took us longer lol). Then we picked our two names- boy or girl. Everything else was completely the same from there! The nursery was fully done in the sweetest gender neutral palates (pastel multicolor for baby 1 and swirly oranges and yellows for baby 2!) we got all our newborn clothing and all baby gear in gender neutral colors that we liked and were fully prepared for our baby! Honestly my biggest ick is when people say “omg I could NEVER wait because I’m too much of a planner” or “I need to prepare!” It always makes me wonder what exactly they mean by plans? Like, we were fully prepared not just completely winging having a baby lmao As far as the “genuine surprise” thing, I never really got that either because yeah, I’m with you! It’s a surprise no matter when you find out. We waited because when I was like 3 weeks pregnant (before it was even confirmed!) I said to my husband “if it’s a boy, let’s do an airplane themed nursery!” This was a cute idea to me because hubby is a pilot. And he says back to me, “why would we not do an airplane theme for a girl?” And that comment truly shook me. I realized that my embryo was microscopic and ALREADY I was assigning gender biases onto this kid even implying they couldn’t be a pilot like their dad if they were a girl?! How embarrassing. So, I knew then and there I did not want to find out because I wanted to keep the slate blank and give my baby a more neutral start rather than immediately buying frilly tutus or whatever based on the sex before they are even born. I think it helped us to let our kid tell us who they are rather than building a lot of gender based dreams and visions on them before they are even born. Plus, I thought it made the delivery and pregnancy so much fun to guess the whole time!! The moment when he was born and everyone in the room shouted SO loud that he was a boy was so special and funny because a lot of people including his dad swore it was a girl!
I don't think reading an article or two on cleaning female anatomy or circumcision is all that difficult. We did our research on both situations and were ready for whatever presented itself. It really truly didn't make a difference to us, and I did not want a bunch of blue stuff just because my firstborn turned out to be a boy. That didn't stop people from buying stuff after the fact, but at least we avoided all our registry stuff being purchased in blue (which I had seen relatives do for other's babies.)
I didn't care what the sex of the baby was, so I didn't need time to get used to the idea of what I was having. I wasn't going to be surprised either way because I'm not surprised by things that have a ~50% chance of happening. (Like if my weather app says there's a 50% chance of rain, I'm not surprised to see rain, but I'm also not surprised if it doesn't rain.) I would have bought and read the same things whether I was having a boy or a girl because I chose things that I liked and wanted to use for my child. I didn't feel the need to do a ton specific gender- (or really, sex-) based prep for my baby.
To avoid gender disappointment. Hard to be disappointed when you're holding your new baby in your arms for the first time. I had c sections which feel very clinical and getting to find out the gender at birth brought some "magic" back into it
We are having a boy, being inundated with gendered clothes or toys has not been my experience. I picked my baby shower theme to be the same as my nursery and everyone really leaned into it, some people wore costumes and it was a lot of fun planning for our little guy!
Nobody needs to study up on how to wipe a female infant's butt. It takes like, one try to figure it out. And in terms of circumcision, you can take an afternoon and figure out all you need to know about it. It's not rocket science. The only "preparing" you really need to do prior to a birth is if you want to make sure you have gendered clothes and toys for a newborn, which aren't necessary.
Its fun to speculate through the pregnancy. I've done both and I preferred being team green. My husband wanted to know with this one and just during to some outside circumstances I agreed to find out. I don't like regret finding out, just I've preferred the pregnancy I was green. It was just a bit of fun. I hope to have one more baby after this one and it WILL be team green. I did NIPT with this current pregnancy so we found out that way but next pregnancy we would use one of our frozen embryos which have been PGT-A tested (no sex info as I'm in Canada and illegal to disclose sex pre-implantation). Since I know those embryos are genetically euploid I can skip NIPT and just stay green. As for preparedness, I may have felt that way with my 1st (who we did find out prenatally) but then once I had I baby I realized they really don't need much as newborns. So I got a few neutral outfits in size NB for my 2nd and just planned to shop if we had an opposite. (Turns out I had 3 girls anyway).
I agree with the commenters about avoiding certain gifts, etc, but i also dont see people talking about gender disappointment in the comments!!! I dont know that ill have any feelings either way but I cant imagine feeling even slightly disappointed learning all about that baby right after delivering. Like my love is already so immense for this child i dont want to set any personal expectations or anything on them.
Also, When I was team green I posted an ambiguous birth announcement of baby in a neutral outfit, welcoming 'our second child'. I made people actually come visit if they wanted to find out. It was kind of funny when my FIL showed up on his lunch break 'I can't take it anymore I need to know!!!!'
We are waiting. It’s been great and fun making guesses and picking out two different names. I have a ton of super cute gender neutral clothes and will add personal touches for gender and name once they are born (in room and with clothes). Clothes can be used for the next kiddo as well. Also you can learn about both genders before having the baby…. Lol. Circumcision isn’t necessary and my husband and I are choosing not to do that but even if you do google exists for a reason and same with any classes you can take.
It's very normal in certain countries to not find out the gender until birth. I live in such a country, and it's really not a big deal.
Personally, I could never wait. I don't care what gender my child is, but I do need an adjustment period to get prepared. My first was a girl, and this one is a boy. This brought up the discussion of circumcision this time. I was fully against it and my husband was fully for it. But I've been doing research and talked to OB about it as well. I'm starting to lean towards doing it. I still feel bad cutting off a part that my baby grew, but I guess it will benefit him in the end. But as far as things like gendered gifts, I am totally against that. I dressed my daughter in blue all the time (it's my favorite color). I bought her dolls and dinosaurs (because dinosaurs are awesome, duh) and cars. And if someone wants to give my son a doll, go for it.
FTM and Team green here! I’ve always wanted it to be surprise, My husband desperately wanted to find out. I think it’s one of life’s few last surprises. I wouldn’t say I feel unprepared, I’m definitely scared of becoming a parent though! They just send you home from the hospital without a user manual?? How am I supposed to keep them alive??
I really liked the curiosity that comes along with not knowing the sex until birth. I felt like family had to get a little more creative in how they thought about baby too. Basically fewer weird stereotypes. As for the logistics like circumcision, we just talked through those different choices for either sex. The most inconvenient part was having to come up with boy and girl names. Also I didn’t want a bunch of gendered clothes and gifts.
Why would you need to research those things? Cleaning a babies bum is a simple thing. A lot of parents learn on the job. Circumcision is unnecessary unless for a medical reason.
I think for some people it’s more about wait for the excitement till it arrives..
You can prepare yourself for either gender. I think it’s more fun to wait.
I saw the penis on the ultrasound, so I was pretty sure even before they told me. If I have another, I think it might be nice to try and keep it a secret.
I decided to find out (I’m just very impatient/curious, I guess!) and my partner has opted not to know. His reasoning for waiting is that 1) he doesn’t believe it matters in the grand scheme of things, we will raise them fairly similarly no matter their gender, and 2) he thinks it will be a nice surprise to find out at the birth
We waited until birth to find out. Neither my husband or I had any real desire to know the sex beforehand, and all of our family thought it was great we were having a surprise. It wasn't hard to prepare- there is a lot of gender neutral stuff for newborn babies. I also ended up buying a lot of blue-coloured clothes, because I was 90% sure our baby would have blue eyes, plus blue looks great on both myself and my husband. Got a blue-eyed girl who looks great in blue!
It pisses a lot of people off and that’s kind of fun. Also the gifts you receive are so much more practice not all clothes!
We've never found out before the birth, and it's been exciting every time. Find out when you want to find out! That said, I think you're grasping at straws for the things that need advance preparation. Our childbirth class went over female anatomy care and circumcision. Neither subject took more than like 15 minutes; I've spent more time looking up nonsense like "what is skibbidy toilet?" Regarding purchases: stuff you buy can easily be gender neutral, especially in newborn sizes. Babies really aren't very gendered. The newborn days are wonderful but feel endlessly long; there's plenty of time for buying bigger clothes. It's smart to buy strollers and car seats in neutral colors anyway if you might have more kids and wouldn't re-buy everything. I've noticed that, when people ask about the gender, "we're not finding out" almost always leads to a longer conversation and things like "it's one of the few surprises you get as an adult!" get said. That probably sounds like implied judgment for people who do find out, but I don't think it actually is; if the answer was "boy" or "girl", there would still be comments like "boys always love their moms the most!" or "ohhh, a little princess!" The format just seems to be "ask gender, get answer, say something positive that implies that that outcome is the best". So if you're feeling judged by hearing about other people's non-finding-out, they're probably just following the format and it's not that deep.