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Did you catch that subtle little "*all I wanted was to raise my grandkids..*"? Yeah, her plan was to usurp you all along. Screw you and your feelings! There is no way to make her respect a boundary of any type because she never intended to. Her idea was Narc 101: when you can't fill the void in your life, take others' lives.
She has always taken over. My sister had kids first and struggled financially so my mom always got such satisfaction by 'rescuing her/them'. I have come to realize she is very transactional in her relationships. I have been independent and have never needed her (as much) so she was never really that interested in me/my kids. I am so hurt she can't just move near us and BE NORMAL. Everything has to be about her and it's GD exhausting.
*Her idea was Narc 101: when you can't fill the void in your life, take others' lives.*
Well damn. These are the words I needed. When I am done shaking and vomiting I will thank you.
Ding ding ding. What OP describes is exactly what happened when my NH's narc mom came to visit and ended up staying. It was a constant struggle to maintain my position in MY home. For once in his life he took my side and she ended up finding herself a small apartment in a different part of town.
Don't say "until you find something else" or she will never leave.
She needs a strict deadline and you may have to evict her if she won't leave.
If anyone says anything to you, you tell them the truth. She was coming for a trial run and completely took over your house. If anyone gives you trouble, ask when they will be taking her in.
For your current living situation, you need to speak up and step up. You aren't living with her-she is living with you. That means rules for her and her dog for as long as she is in your house.
> Don't say "until you find something else" or she will never leave.
nothing will be right, perfect, or suitable. you need to give a date, and enforce it. if you don't enforce it, you will never be rid of her.
When my parents divorced, my dad asked if he could store some items at my home. It's been well over a decade and while he has gotten some stuff out (mainly due to me getting a dumpster), but I am still storing some of his stuff. Every year it's the same story. "I will get it out of there next spring or next fall". And of course if I ever bring it up then he gets angry. Fortunately I did not have enough space for him to move in as it would have been difficult to get him out and he'd be micromanaging every move I make (just like when I lived at home).
Sounds like he's bent out of shape already. Can't allow yourself to just keep being used when it's to your detriment, just because the person using you (especially a narcissistic parent, in the narcissistic parent subreddit) will get upset if you do. Sounds like it was a long time coming, and it's never going to stop unless you put your foot down.
Yeah. The crazy thing is that he complains when people take advantage of him. He'll also complain about others' abusive behavior. Yet he doesn't seem to realize or want to admit that he does the same thing.
I guess I just don't want her to be blamed as he already blames her for "brainwashing" my brother who is VLC. OTOH my mom has in the past "accused" me of being influenced by my dad. Both sides play this game. I don't want to give the impression that I'm on one side or the other.
My dad moved in with me and my husband before my first child was born.
Both of our daughters lived with us for 18 yrs each before going away to college and starting their lives (2 yrs apart). My dad lived with us for 26 yrs. He moved out when we started talking about charging him rent. He ran an import business from our house for the first 5 yrs, until we moved and refused to let him take over our house and garage. 7 yrs after he moved out, he still has stuff in our backyard.
I don't know where he lives now. I am very low contact.
Lol! He traveled to Thailand and Indonesia twice a year, but I worked for him.
Hey, the good news is that my Nmom left the state when 1st child was less than 2 and never came back. I think I have seen her twice in 31 years!
"Dad, I don't have the space for all your stuff. You need to come get it by (date.) If you don't want to handle it yourself, I will dispose of it for you. But the bottom line is it can't stay here any more."
Like, I get you've probably already tried this, and he ignores it because he believes you would never. The only way forward is to show him you're serious.
I'm going to have to put my foot down. He tells me next spring, next fall, next year, etc.....and if I push him then he gets defensive. I think he leaves stuff there so he has an excuse to come over and be nosy....and then nitpick and give me unsolicited advice on what he thinks needs to be done.
This part. If you leave any part of this up to her, she will take a mile, your .75 acre, your sanity, and whatever else you've left not nailed down.
Be happy that you caught on to her shenanigans, and rest assured that this was never going to play out any other way. She was always going to bait and switch.
My mother also wanted to take over our MIL suite - the first time she brought it up, she was very oblique and just dropped a casual hint and a pointed look. When that didn't get any reaction, she was more direct the second time - "I'd sell my house and move down here" forcing me to be direct back. I wasn't taking any chances.
Be forward. It's easier to deal with their emotional fallout than their permanent residence. Whine and bitch all you want, but go home at the end of it.
I have a story about shocked Nmom and rejecting the notion of her living with us.
Background: She's a serial cheater. Always the current husband's best friend or her boss. She cheated on my dad with at least 3 people I knew about, and then at least 3 different men while with my stepdad. Yes, it's gross.
Anyway, current husband catches her cheating, best friend gets both the boot and a divorce from his own wife, I'm cringing because it's all family friends since I can remember and I'm 44, so yikes. So much yikes.
I live far away with my own family, but went back to visit because my Nbrother's baby mama was marrying a good guy after kicking my Nbrother out. Good for her. Baby mama was the one who let me know about the cheating and gave me a heads up, AS ALL THE PEOPLE WERE GOING TO BE AT HER WEDDING. It was too late for me to nope the fuck out of the whole thing, so I drove my Nmom in a separate car from everyone else.
She starts saying that she wants a fresh start, she's complaining about how much her life isn't going the way she wants it to, crying and all. She then asks me if I'd ever let my MIL live with us if her life suddenly went sideways and (I'm so proud of myself, holy crap) I said, "Well, if something happened that was no fault of her own, then yeah, I'd welcome her with open arms until she got on her feet again." My Nmom sat up straighter and got all happy, and I kept going, "BUT, if it was her own actions that caused her own ruin, whatever it was, she'd have to find her own cardboard box and pick a bridge, because I'm not enabling dishonesty or bad behavior."
She didn't say anything else and I got the silent treatment for the next few days. The silent treatment ended when she drove super slowly on purpose to the airport and caused me to nearly miss my flight home. They held the door of the plane for me and shut the door as soon as I was on board, it was so close.
We've been NC for 8 years now and I've never been happier. My family is thriving, I'm happy, my kids are doing amazing, and my husband of 20 years is still the love of my life.
I hope you read this, Nmom (Janice). I hope your embarrassment doubles knowing that your mother knew what you are, warned me about allowing you near my children, and we all know you can't tell the truth to save your own soul. Have fun with the little time you have left while we love life without you and your drama.
>I said, "Well, if something happened that was no fault of her own, then yeah, I'd welcome her with open arms until she got on her feet again." My Nmom sat up straighter and got all happy, and I kept going, "BUT, if it was her own actions that caused her own ruin, whatever it was, she'd have to find her own cardboard box and pick a bridge, because I'm not enabling dishonesty or bad behavior."
THIS
It infuriates me when I see stories of people who scrimp and lead responsible lifestyles only for irresponsible relatives to assume that they should be subsidized for their bad decisions.
I hear ya! When the outrage and frustration outweigh the anxiety over their reactions, etc, tipping you over into no-longer-giving-a-shit, it's remarkably freeing!
Im going through something similar with my mom... we said no and I got "Youre killing my dream of FINALLY being happy in my life." Yup Lady cuz im not willing to let you kill my own happiness.
Not my job!
I'm glad my mom died in assisted living. So I didn't have to put up with her deranged controlling crap any longer. Decades was long enough. I told her I wasnt gonna set myself on fire just to keep her warm
My dad is setting me up for this by badmouthing the hell out of kids that put their parents in assisted living and talking about how selfish they are. He hates those places but I hope he has enough saved to hire an in-home caregiver when the times comes (who can also feed his n-supply) so he doesn't ask to move in with me.
Just be prepared to tell him no. And make it stick. If he doesn't have the money then the state can take care of him. That's what happened to my mom. Because there was no way in hell she was going to live with me or near me. When she died, she was over 8 hours away in assisted living and the govt paid for it. She had no money and I most certainly was not going to pay for it.
Absolutely make this clear early. He’ll be a jackass about it, but that’s just par for the course. You want to set those expectations early so that you can say at time,” I told you all along that you could not live with me and I meant it.”
Nobody needs an excuse to tell leeches "no". If you give them excuses then it gives them something to argue against. Just tell them no and if they want to fuss about it, end the communication and they can go complain to somebody else
Good point. I need to do a better job or not feeling obligated to explain myself.
Case in point, my dad asked for a favor this weekend. That's fine, it won't take long but I know he's going to ask what I'm doing, what I have planned, and try to drag it out for half the day.
That is an excellent opportunity to start exercising those muscles that help you say "no". Good luck and don't let him or anyone else guilt you into anything, large or small👍👍👍
I have had thoughts of moving someplace warm. I know my dad hates the winter. I figure if I were to move to such a place then he'd be asking me to move in. No way would I want to live with him again.
I've suggested 55+ communities to her so that she can be around people her age (since she tries to fit herself in with my friends) and she says "No, I dont want to live in a place like that!! Why, so I can watch my neighbors die off everyday. Those places are for old people!" Shes 71... For someone with 2 adult children over the age of 35, she has a really hard time believing that she's a senior (unless she can benefit from it).
No deadlines, she’ll just keep pushing you until you stop asking her to leave. She’s going to play the long game with you. I sincerely advise getting her out of your home as soon as you possibly can. Let her tell her flying monkeys you don’t want her. Tell people the truth about her, her behavior, and what your family agreed to. Take no shit. Be prepared for her to pull on hubby’s heart strings. She’ll try everything she can, I guarantee it. Prepare yourself to be the villain. Being the villain, however, is worth your peace and life.
I'm sorry but if you're already being accused of "making her homeless" after you've bent over backwards to accommodate her, why bother caring what she thinks of you? It sounds like she will never be happy. If other family members side with her then good riddance.
If she ends up living w the OP, she will turn her husband and kids against her, and OP might actually end up homeless or smth. I don’t buy this “I’m a frail old lady” act. She wasn’t freakin frail when she was hurting OP, when OP was little.
It's crazy how they want to act frail when it suits them. My dad is 60 something and sometimes acts like he's 80 something and needs someone to look after him.
> Since when is it my job to fulfill her dream?
You're in the raisedbynarcissists sub. According to her, it is absolutely your most important and only job in life to fulfill her dreams. Because it's ALL about HER, and only HER. And of course you'd want to make it your job, and love it, because you can't possibly think differently from her nor would you want anything different to her. You've always been an extension of her.
She is incapable of thinking beyond yourself so don't even bother to try to tell her you do not want this, nor how this is negatively impacting you and your family. She can't even fathom that as being possible. She's happy with invading your lives and taking over, therefore you all must be too.
My mother was the same. She concocted a plan in her head that she would move in to be our childcare, and she set things in motion to make that happen. She presented us with the idea once she got things going and she was all proud of herself and expected us to be thrilled too. Husband and I were more than mildly horrified and she was devastated at the rejection and told everyone how awful a daughter I was, "making her homeless". I didn't care because my happiness, privacy, control over my life and my kids, and my marriage were far more important than her fucked up dreams. No, she wasn't made homeless but she had to undo her sneaky plans at her expense. Again, I didn't give a shit. She was being underhanded and dishonest, just like your mother.
Sounds like your mother pulled a swift one on you because you were both too wishy-washy from the beginning. It should have been a NO to her living with you, period. No floating ideas about a granny flat, or garage conversion. She saw that as you wanting her that close to you, so may as well just move in then! If you'd put the granny flat on your property it would have been the same situation, with her in your home all day every day, taking over. Because that's her reality in her head, therefore it must be yours too. The granny flat was just for her to sleep in at night. Probably with your kids sleeping there with her. Same for the garage conversion.
Shatter her ludicrous dreams and if that means you go very low or even no contact, so be it. I hope she hasn't been there long enough for you to have to go through a formal and legal eviction but if you do have to, still go through with it. This is your life, your marriage, your kids, your everything at stake.
Cut her off. Tell her to get out. Tell everyone she’s lying to that she lied about her intentions coming here and is no longer welcome. Her goal the whole time was to take your kids from you and push you out of your own home and family. Don’t entertain this bs for a minute. Don’t lie to help her save face. Tell everyone her delusional fantasy and drop the rope. If she wants a relationship with any of you moving forward she needs to work hard on repairing the damage she caused. You don’t lift a finger here. Push her out. She has hundreds of thousands of dollars to care for herself. You don’t need to worry a bit for her. Spend your time and energy on the spouse and children who love you not the idiot who thinks you are replaceable.
Hell no. If she doesn't respect this and cuts you off for it, then she wasn't about the kids. It's about petty control. She's making u miserable. Let her know that
I don't have kids, but everything else is pretty similar. Actually, it was when my mom tried to move in with me after my first home that I started standing up for myself. Unfortunately, I ended up selling and moving back in. I thought it was going to be temporary but pandemic. I think I forgot how much I hated living here. In fact, now that I'm here, I have a fog over most of my childhood memories. She has already kicked me out, and i moved in with my grandfather. He is really passive-aggressive normally and a little perv. He is bareable at least. My mom has been whispering in his ear, who knows what. After the job, I get to deal with extremely loud tv (on Fox News, too), things being unplugged, things missing, the stopper in the bathtub being plugged.
I may have some potential good news this year. I found some land pretty cheap. I found out there was police standoff, which led to a gunfight. Definitely put a real damper in my good news, but that area is normally not that violent, but it did drive those prices down. I'm gonna drive out there and see what's what in person before i say yay or nay. Honestly, everywhere seems to be having random acts of violence, so I kinda hoping it's nothing. I'm don't think I can do too much more of this bullshit.
I hope you have better luck than I've had. At least the home is yours, but she is going to give you hell until you go no contact, I'm afraid.
It is always about the nParent's dream isn't it. It is always about them and their lack of boundaries!
I had to face a similar situation but the nParent will be just fine without moving in. Or they won't be. It's not yours to fix or to negotiate any further.
May I suggest that you don't use logic to discuss this with her. In fact don't discuss it any more - shut her conversations down. Remind yourself that logic never works with the nParent. Gray rock. Go NC if necessary. You will need to learn to be comfortable being the 'bad guy'. There is no longer a 'Plan B'. There is no negotiation.
You are not cutting her off - she is creating an environment that is not sustainable nor healthy. SHE is making herself homeless.
Boundaries are your friend and a pathway to keeping sane. (I used to have that taped to the inside of my bathroom mirror) You got this!
Just know that if she is acting this way already, so fast, with so much drama and sucks so much energy, it would only have gotten worse. All her dreams seems to be about controlling you and your family. You making this decision is difficult, but it would only have been harder if you waited more.
Absolutely. She’s back home right now packing up the rest of her belongings. The last week has been heavenly here without her. It makes me sad to know how I hoped she’d be was not reality.
She settles 1/12. She had to come back abc get her car, dog and her items from here. I will then drive her back home and fly back to Florida. It’s going to take everything in my power to make that roadtrip without flipping out on her.
Can you get one of her flying monkeys to drive her back to Florida? It would save you time money and heartache. I would also change your locks once she is gone
I know all too well that pain we feel when we had hope we could make things work with them, but it was based in us tricking ourselves about their reality. Narc Parents make us grew up thiking the Scorpion and the Frog, the scorpion was justified, and the frog was just too sensitive. And this kind of brainwashing works on us even when they aren't around. But acting as you did despite that brainwashing of Fear, Obligation, Guilt is what is needed to be free.
This drive sounds like a nightmare. You should expect her to act up, and plan your responses and defenses ahead of that. If one can take distance from a Narc, one can notice they are quite predictable. Use this predictability to plan how you will protect yourself. Planning concrete things helps manage the anxiety. I can't propose logistics to make it so, but talk to those close around you to help you plan for this. If there are ways to spend money to buy you peace of mind, do that too.
If any of your family members try to call to shame you, turn it on them. Say “oh, I’m glad you’re so excited to volunteer! I’ll let mom know right now that you would love for her to move in with you! Since you’re so interested in her housing situation, she can come to YOUR house, completely redecorate it to HER liking, control YOUR life and space, and YOU can deal with HER dog.”
THIS!. It's the perfect response for her actual flying monkeys and the ones that are in the making. Then try to follow through and tell your mother that the flying monkey truly voluntereed to house her and grab the popcorn to watch the show.
She's not homeless. She has plenty of money now to either: buy another place in your state or go anywhere else she pleases. She just had a plan in her mind that didn't include anything you or your husband were willing to accept. So she figured, once she moved in, you'd have no other choice but to keep her where she wants to be disregarding anything else. You speaking up for yourself is ruining her "plan" so she's mad. Good for you for finally speaking up!
I honestly wouldn't care at that point what she says to you or family. She can't make unilateral decisions about your home and life. Anyone normal would tell her she has options and would only be homeless by her own choice at this point.
If she had been anything positive in your home and made your home a happy place for everyone that'd be one thing but she sounds awful and overbearing. That's someone who has worn out their welcome for sure.
Your title sounds like your mother isn't living with you, but she is. It's going to be super hard to boot her out.
What do you think of this plan? Give her one week to move out. Help her pack if you must. If she doesn't have arrangements by the end of the week, drive her and her things to a motel or hotel, preferably one at least an hour's drive away. She can make arrangements for herself from there. Since she just sold her house, she should have plenty of funds to find herself a place to rent.
The hardest part will be getting her physically out of your house. She may refuse to go. If she refuses, I don't know what the next step will be.
If she sees you're serious, she may flip and turn on the love bombing to try to placate you and get you to change your mind.
Don't fall for it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she might have been with you long enough that you have to legally evict her if she refuses to move out. Give her a written notice with a time frame on it for her to leave, and be prepared to file for an eviction at the end of that notice period, if she refuses to go.
I'm so sorry you tried to help and she is being awful.
I'm so sorry. I can see my Mom doing that, too. Is there anyone who knows what a jerk she is who can help you? A cousin, sibling, etc.? If that's a No, get her butt on the Dr. Phil show (is that even a thing?). Your only real job is to make sure she doesn't ruin your relationship with your husband or kids. And lady, it's FLORIDA, there are boomers everywhere, go make some friends!
> And lady, it's FLORIDA, there are boomers everywhere, go make some friends!
That might mean she would have to befriend people that won't let her control them.
Oooh yea, that's really common. Like they are SO much smarter and better, it's like an episode of Mean Girls but the cast is Golden Girls. So weird. If you start calling her Regina, will she know what you're implying? I try to have fun with it once in a while. MIL likes to play clueless victim so I started calling her Rose from Golden Girls. When she'd pull a "clueless" act I'd say OK Rose and walk away. It felt SO GOOD and she's covert so she wouldn't say a word.
Check the local laws where you live. In my state, if someone lives with you for more than 14 days. They can claim to be a tenant and you have to give them a 30-day eviction notice to get them out.
I know those laws because I looked them up when I thought my father-in-law wanted to try permanently moving in with us in a sneaky way by saying he was just visiting.
She still wants to run the entire show. I think they see themselves as the older grand mum that runs the entire family. That’s only in movies! So did my mum. They want input in everything. Set a deadline and get her out! Your situation will decline overtime…they never get easier.
> She still wants to run the entire show. I think they see themselves as the older grand mum that runs the entire family. That’s only in movies!
My dad has said that he should be like the main character in Yellowstone.
Living with other adults is always a balancing act. When one of them is a narcissist, all the balancing falls to the other adults, and the results can’t help but be disastrous.
You are 100% right in telling her that she cannot live with you. You stated it kindly: didn’t call her the selfish B that she is, rather “too independent”. She is NOT homeless, she has the proceeds from selling her home to choose any home she wants but one, and that is yours.
All the rest is just narcissist reasoning. She’ll go back home, and destroy her own “dream” of living near her grandkids and the beach, you haven’t done that.
I would guarantee that she could find a condo within easy driving distance of many beaches. But as it’s not what SHE wanted, it’s not acceptable.
My brother and his wife bought a 2 bed condo, on a golf course near, but not terrifically near, the gulf coast for well under $200K a couple of years ago. They live there half the year.
Your mother could do similar if she was willing to compromise. But that word is foreign to narcissists.
HER dream to raise your children wasn't YOUR dream. She's delusional. You aren't responsible for her feelings. Now is not the time to back down. DO NOT waffle your position even a little. In fact, I would give her until Jan. 31 to be out. Let me repeat this, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FEELINGS.
Everytime she drops hints, send her the website for the 55+ communities in Florida. They have hundreds. Do not let her be a burden to you, especially since she is independent and healthy!
She’s actually looking in Maryland at condos as we speak. But I think it’s a farce. She’s delusional or this is just a stunt. She is literally texting me she doesn’t want ‘bayside’ because it’s too isolated. EVERYTHING is isolated there. Where she’s looking is 2.5 hours from my sister. What a disaster. She will be in a vacation area with tourists. Literally this makes NO SENSE at all.
Yes, it sounds like a farce. She is putting on a show that she is floundering and might end up doing something dumb. Probably thinking you will give in and rescue her, as in, tell her she can stay at your place afterall, even if it's "just a while longer, till you figure something better out". Nope.
Once settled back in, she'll try again to make it permanent. She might turn on the love-bombing to try to convince you, or your husband and kids to convince you if she puts on the kind sweet grandma act. Maybe shower you with "gifts". Or she might create a "medical emergency" to manipulate you. Don't trust her till she is well and truly out of your home.
Good luck.
This is literally happening to me right now. I had the courage to say no to moving in with me (after dry heaving and barely being able to eat for days woohoo) , now she wants to be added to my utilities to claim residency with me? But not live there? Also no plan B!
You are doing awesome!!! You seriously considered it and gave it a test run while she decided the plan was a done deal. Her mistake. She can certainly move to the beach but the expectation of 'raising her grandchildren' is a screaming red flag along with all the others you note.
Don't let her nag you into what you do not want. Let her bad mouth you to everyone - not your problem. For those you choose to discuss the topic with, be direct: she takes over and over-steps EVERYTHING. She has the proceeds from her home sale to start fresh.
I suggest you name a timeline for her departure. Her remaining in the house until the 'perfect' house is found will not work because she will find fault with ANY and EVERY house that is considered, dragging out her stay with you with hopes that you will relent to her playing victim and flying monkeys shaming you. Don't let it get there.
Good luck and please update us!
Your mother doesn't understand the contract. Yes you discussed the renovations, the budget and everything was set. But the contract demanded that she behave and not take over your house and your life. She is focused on the structure of the house and living space instead of the structure of a family relationship. No matter what you did, it was going to end up this way once you agreed to share any portion of your land and buildings with her. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. Just that we can never expect our good intentions to go well when we attempt to share our lives with narcissists. Yet so many of us keep trying because we are good people who want help our family members.
“Mom, I love you and of course we want you to be in our lives. But my husband promised to take care of me until death do us part in our wedding vows, not me and my mother. There’s just not room for a third head of household in this marriage.”
My mom keeps sending me links to big houses since she knows we're looking. Always with a note of "big enough for all of us!".
I live in TX. The parents are in GA. There's a reason I'm so far away 🤣
I've suggested they downsize and buy a condo in Florida but they're hell bent on living with me eventually. Mom is a straight narcissist. Dad is her enabler. It sounds like a prison sentence. They also think my sole reason to exist is to take care of them in their old age. I'm the only child retirement fund I guess. So far I just ignore them and tell them to plan funerals and retirement homes accordingly because I'm not paying for either.
This post made me furious to read. Make her leave now.
You are going to have to evict her. It is going to be ugly and it is going to cost some money and possibly some friends and family. She needs to find her own place to live. And you have to take legal action and you need to do it now
>She tries to force food, etc on everyone
What is the deal with this and narcs? They always try to force you to eat what they want you to eat. It's very annoying.
BTW sorry you have to deal with this. Fortunately I only have a small place with one bedroom and my dad couldn't move in after he and my mom divorced. I would not want to live with him again. I can only imagine what you're going through. You don't owe your mom a lifestyle. That is something she should have prepared for.
First thing I'd tell her is that she is NOT raising your children. Wtf is that about?
She needs to be separated just because she's stomping all over your life.
Pissed me off just reading it ugg
I'm proud of you for recognizing the pattern and holding tight to your boundaries. Your mother tried to force your hand by listing her home, which she probably knew was going to sell quickly if she had more than a perfunctory conversation with her realtor. As the saying goes, she played a bitch game and she won a bitch prize.
I'll bet that the people she's asking to throw her a pity party right now are 1. Not people whose opinions hold any weight in your life and 2. Not people who would EVER consider hosting your mother for more than the length of a dinner party. Anyone who would have cautioned her against listing is someone she probably pruned from her circle long ago. Narcs are adept at cultivating echo chambers full of yes-men.
I think it’s time to show your character. You’re on raised by narc sub, therefore u consider your mum a narc. So what exactly do u like about her and why do u have to tell her that you enjoy her company etc? Narcs are childish, entitled, overbearing, rude, and selfish, what’s there to like? I think u should tell ur mum to F off and shut down her attempts of guilt tripping in a rough way and put her in her place.
I'm so sorry. Here is a hug internet stranger.
We are that sandwich generation. Still having children at home and then have parents becoming the next dependents.
I've buried my parents.
My husbands.........are going to be awful.
Maybe sell your place. But a bigger lot. Build 2 structures using your money and all of hers. That way you both have your own space.
I agree wholeheartedly. I cannot share space with my mother in law. Been there. Done that.. It is terrible.
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Did you catch that subtle little "*all I wanted was to raise my grandkids..*"? Yeah, her plan was to usurp you all along. Screw you and your feelings! There is no way to make her respect a boundary of any type because she never intended to. Her idea was Narc 101: when you can't fill the void in your life, take others' lives.
She has always taken over. My sister had kids first and struggled financially so my mom always got such satisfaction by 'rescuing her/them'. I have come to realize she is very transactional in her relationships. I have been independent and have never needed her (as much) so she was never really that interested in me/my kids. I am so hurt she can't just move near us and BE NORMAL. Everything has to be about her and it's GD exhausting.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. She will never be normal.
*Her idea was Narc 101: when you can't fill the void in your life, take others' lives.* Well damn. These are the words I needed. When I am done shaking and vomiting I will thank you.
Ding ding ding. What OP describes is exactly what happened when my NH's narc mom came to visit and ended up staying. It was a constant struggle to maintain my position in MY home. For once in his life he took my side and she ended up finding herself a small apartment in a different part of town.
Don't say "until you find something else" or she will never leave. She needs a strict deadline and you may have to evict her if she won't leave. If anyone says anything to you, you tell them the truth. She was coming for a trial run and completely took over your house. If anyone gives you trouble, ask when they will be taking her in. For your current living situation, you need to speak up and step up. You aren't living with her-she is living with you. That means rules for her and her dog for as long as she is in your house.
> Don't say "until you find something else" or she will never leave. nothing will be right, perfect, or suitable. you need to give a date, and enforce it. if you don't enforce it, you will never be rid of her.
When my parents divorced, my dad asked if he could store some items at my home. It's been well over a decade and while he has gotten some stuff out (mainly due to me getting a dumpster), but I am still storing some of his stuff. Every year it's the same story. "I will get it out of there next spring or next fall". And of course if I ever bring it up then he gets angry. Fortunately I did not have enough space for him to move in as it would have been difficult to get him out and he'd be micromanaging every move I make (just like when I lived at home).
Get a bigger dumpster, like the one you rent out and they haul in on the back of a truck, and say you'll throw everything away if he doesn't take it.
I like it.....but he'd get REALLY bent out of shape. I am guessing he would likely suspect that my mother (his ex wife) of influencing me.
Sounds like he's bent out of shape already. Can't allow yourself to just keep being used when it's to your detriment, just because the person using you (especially a narcissistic parent, in the narcissistic parent subreddit) will get upset if you do. Sounds like it was a long time coming, and it's never going to stop unless you put your foot down.
Yeah. The crazy thing is that he complains when people take advantage of him. He'll also complain about others' abusive behavior. Yet he doesn't seem to realize or want to admit that he does the same thing.
So what?
I guess I just don't want her to be blamed as he already blames her for "brainwashing" my brother who is VLC. OTOH my mom has in the past "accused" me of being influenced by my dad. Both sides play this game. I don't want to give the impression that I'm on one side or the other.
My dad moved in with me and my husband before my first child was born. Both of our daughters lived with us for 18 yrs each before going away to college and starting their lives (2 yrs apart). My dad lived with us for 26 yrs. He moved out when we started talking about charging him rent. He ran an import business from our house for the first 5 yrs, until we moved and refused to let him take over our house and garage. 7 yrs after he moved out, he still has stuff in our backyard. I don't know where he lives now. I am very low contact.
26 years?! Damn!!
Lol! He traveled to Thailand and Indonesia twice a year, but I worked for him. Hey, the good news is that my Nmom left the state when 1st child was less than 2 and never came back. I think I have seen her twice in 31 years!
"Dad, I don't have the space for all your stuff. You need to come get it by (date.) If you don't want to handle it yourself, I will dispose of it for you. But the bottom line is it can't stay here any more." Like, I get you've probably already tried this, and he ignores it because he believes you would never. The only way forward is to show him you're serious.
I'm going to have to put my foot down. He tells me next spring, next fall, next year, etc.....and if I push him then he gets defensive. I think he leaves stuff there so he has an excuse to come over and be nosy....and then nitpick and give me unsolicited advice on what he thinks needs to be done.
This part. If you leave any part of this up to her, she will take a mile, your .75 acre, your sanity, and whatever else you've left not nailed down. Be happy that you caught on to her shenanigans, and rest assured that this was never going to play out any other way. She was always going to bait and switch. My mother also wanted to take over our MIL suite - the first time she brought it up, she was very oblique and just dropped a casual hint and a pointed look. When that didn't get any reaction, she was more direct the second time - "I'd sell my house and move down here" forcing me to be direct back. I wasn't taking any chances. Be forward. It's easier to deal with their emotional fallout than their permanent residence. Whine and bitch all you want, but go home at the end of it.
My mom looked shocked when she asked, Don’t I want to live with her? and i just said Nope. That was when we were still speaking to each other 🤣🤣🤣
I have a story about shocked Nmom and rejecting the notion of her living with us. Background: She's a serial cheater. Always the current husband's best friend or her boss. She cheated on my dad with at least 3 people I knew about, and then at least 3 different men while with my stepdad. Yes, it's gross. Anyway, current husband catches her cheating, best friend gets both the boot and a divorce from his own wife, I'm cringing because it's all family friends since I can remember and I'm 44, so yikes. So much yikes. I live far away with my own family, but went back to visit because my Nbrother's baby mama was marrying a good guy after kicking my Nbrother out. Good for her. Baby mama was the one who let me know about the cheating and gave me a heads up, AS ALL THE PEOPLE WERE GOING TO BE AT HER WEDDING. It was too late for me to nope the fuck out of the whole thing, so I drove my Nmom in a separate car from everyone else. She starts saying that she wants a fresh start, she's complaining about how much her life isn't going the way she wants it to, crying and all. She then asks me if I'd ever let my MIL live with us if her life suddenly went sideways and (I'm so proud of myself, holy crap) I said, "Well, if something happened that was no fault of her own, then yeah, I'd welcome her with open arms until she got on her feet again." My Nmom sat up straighter and got all happy, and I kept going, "BUT, if it was her own actions that caused her own ruin, whatever it was, she'd have to find her own cardboard box and pick a bridge, because I'm not enabling dishonesty or bad behavior." She didn't say anything else and I got the silent treatment for the next few days. The silent treatment ended when she drove super slowly on purpose to the airport and caused me to nearly miss my flight home. They held the door of the plane for me and shut the door as soon as I was on board, it was so close. We've been NC for 8 years now and I've never been happier. My family is thriving, I'm happy, my kids are doing amazing, and my husband of 20 years is still the love of my life. I hope you read this, Nmom (Janice). I hope your embarrassment doubles knowing that your mother knew what you are, warned me about allowing you near my children, and we all know you can't tell the truth to save your own soul. Have fun with the little time you have left while we love life without you and your drama.
>I said, "Well, if something happened that was no fault of her own, then yeah, I'd welcome her with open arms until she got on her feet again." My Nmom sat up straighter and got all happy, and I kept going, "BUT, if it was her own actions that caused her own ruin, whatever it was, she'd have to find her own cardboard box and pick a bridge, because I'm not enabling dishonesty or bad behavior." THIS It infuriates me when I see stories of people who scrimp and lead responsible lifestyles only for irresponsible relatives to assume that they should be subsidized for their bad decisions.
Isnorted my coffee! I think I love you! Congrats on kicking that ass all the way back to where it belongs and having a fab life :)
Thanks, sib ;) The sudden gonad growth came from sheer frustration and disgust. I'd had it with her.
I hear ya! When the outrage and frustration outweigh the anxiety over their reactions, etc, tipping you over into no-longer-giving-a-shit, it's remarkably freeing!
Yeah, my partner shut that down really quick when my parents talked about it. So grateful there was no expectation. We had to cut contact.
Im going through something similar with my mom... we said no and I got "Youre killing my dream of FINALLY being happy in my life." Yup Lady cuz im not willing to let you kill my own happiness. Not my job!
When my mom tries to pull that shit with me, I just proudly claim it. “Yep, that’s why everyone calls me ‘DreamCrusher’”
That should be your Reddit username.
Hilarious! -DreamCrusher
I'm glad my mom died in assisted living. So I didn't have to put up with her deranged controlling crap any longer. Decades was long enough. I told her I wasnt gonna set myself on fire just to keep her warm
My dad is setting me up for this by badmouthing the hell out of kids that put their parents in assisted living and talking about how selfish they are. He hates those places but I hope he has enough saved to hire an in-home caregiver when the times comes (who can also feed his n-supply) so he doesn't ask to move in with me.
Just be prepared to tell him no. And make it stick. If he doesn't have the money then the state can take care of him. That's what happened to my mom. Because there was no way in hell she was going to live with me or near me. When she died, she was over 8 hours away in assisted living and the govt paid for it. She had no money and I most certainly was not going to pay for it.
Should I tell him ahead of time if the topic ever comes up? He has brought it up before.
Absolutely make this clear early. He’ll be a jackass about it, but that’s just par for the course. You want to set those expectations early so that you can say at time,” I told you all along that you could not live with me and I meant it.”
In addition to this, I don't think I will ever move to a bigger place, If I don't have the room then that's a good excuse, eh?
Nobody needs an excuse to tell leeches "no". If you give them excuses then it gives them something to argue against. Just tell them no and if they want to fuss about it, end the communication and they can go complain to somebody else
Good point. I need to do a better job or not feeling obligated to explain myself. Case in point, my dad asked for a favor this weekend. That's fine, it won't take long but I know he's going to ask what I'm doing, what I have planned, and try to drag it out for half the day.
That is an excellent opportunity to start exercising those muscles that help you say "no". Good luck and don't let him or anyone else guilt you into anything, large or small👍👍👍
Good for you!
I have had thoughts of moving someplace warm. I know my dad hates the winter. I figure if I were to move to such a place then he'd be asking me to move in. No way would I want to live with him again.
I've suggested 55+ communities to her so that she can be around people her age (since she tries to fit herself in with my friends) and she says "No, I dont want to live in a place like that!! Why, so I can watch my neighbors die off everyday. Those places are for old people!" Shes 71... For someone with 2 adult children over the age of 35, she has a really hard time believing that she's a senior (unless she can benefit from it).
No deadlines, she’ll just keep pushing you until you stop asking her to leave. She’s going to play the long game with you. I sincerely advise getting her out of your home as soon as you possibly can. Let her tell her flying monkeys you don’t want her. Tell people the truth about her, her behavior, and what your family agreed to. Take no shit. Be prepared for her to pull on hubby’s heart strings. She’ll try everything she can, I guarantee it. Prepare yourself to be the villain. Being the villain, however, is worth your peace and life.
She is MY mom. My husband feels completely rail-roaded by her.
Ah, yeah, I just realized that, I’m sorry. My advise still stands, though. I sure wouldn’t hesitate.
Never let anyone move in. BIG BIG MISTAKE.
I'm sorry but if you're already being accused of "making her homeless" after you've bent over backwards to accommodate her, why bother caring what she thinks of you? It sounds like she will never be happy. If other family members side with her then good riddance.
If she ends up living w the OP, she will turn her husband and kids against her, and OP might actually end up homeless or smth. I don’t buy this “I’m a frail old lady” act. She wasn’t freakin frail when she was hurting OP, when OP was little.
It's crazy how they want to act frail when it suits them. My dad is 60 something and sometimes acts like he's 80 something and needs someone to look after him.
My ndad claimed he was an old man ever since he was like 30. Ridiculous
That's crazy! They'll say anything to get sympathy.
Not on my watch lol. NC with both nparents.
> Since when is it my job to fulfill her dream? You're in the raisedbynarcissists sub. According to her, it is absolutely your most important and only job in life to fulfill her dreams. Because it's ALL about HER, and only HER. And of course you'd want to make it your job, and love it, because you can't possibly think differently from her nor would you want anything different to her. You've always been an extension of her. She is incapable of thinking beyond yourself so don't even bother to try to tell her you do not want this, nor how this is negatively impacting you and your family. She can't even fathom that as being possible. She's happy with invading your lives and taking over, therefore you all must be too. My mother was the same. She concocted a plan in her head that she would move in to be our childcare, and she set things in motion to make that happen. She presented us with the idea once she got things going and she was all proud of herself and expected us to be thrilled too. Husband and I were more than mildly horrified and she was devastated at the rejection and told everyone how awful a daughter I was, "making her homeless". I didn't care because my happiness, privacy, control over my life and my kids, and my marriage were far more important than her fucked up dreams. No, she wasn't made homeless but she had to undo her sneaky plans at her expense. Again, I didn't give a shit. She was being underhanded and dishonest, just like your mother. Sounds like your mother pulled a swift one on you because you were both too wishy-washy from the beginning. It should have been a NO to her living with you, period. No floating ideas about a granny flat, or garage conversion. She saw that as you wanting her that close to you, so may as well just move in then! If you'd put the granny flat on your property it would have been the same situation, with her in your home all day every day, taking over. Because that's her reality in her head, therefore it must be yours too. The granny flat was just for her to sleep in at night. Probably with your kids sleeping there with her. Same for the garage conversion. Shatter her ludicrous dreams and if that means you go very low or even no contact, so be it. I hope she hasn't been there long enough for you to have to go through a formal and legal eviction but if you do have to, still go through with it. This is your life, your marriage, your kids, your everything at stake.
I needed your response!!!
Don’t let her come back and be with you “till she finds a place.” You know what that will mean……
Cut her off. Tell her to get out. Tell everyone she’s lying to that she lied about her intentions coming here and is no longer welcome. Her goal the whole time was to take your kids from you and push you out of your own home and family. Don’t entertain this bs for a minute. Don’t lie to help her save face. Tell everyone her delusional fantasy and drop the rope. If she wants a relationship with any of you moving forward she needs to work hard on repairing the damage she caused. You don’t lift a finger here. Push her out. She has hundreds of thousands of dollars to care for herself. You don’t need to worry a bit for her. Spend your time and energy on the spouse and children who love you not the idiot who thinks you are replaceable.
OP: listen to this and do it!
Hell no. If she doesn't respect this and cuts you off for it, then she wasn't about the kids. It's about petty control. She's making u miserable. Let her know that
When she tells everyone that she is "homeless", ask where the money from her house went.
You could always kick her out and make her homeless since she is accusing you of that anyway.
“Stop crying or I’ll give u smth to cry about”
SSure would be nice to be homeless with hundreds of thousands of dollars at my disposal
Tell her to stop being dramatic. She can move back to her home state if she is going to pull that.
This actually sounds terrifying
She didn’t prepare for retirement and it’s your fault. Sorry, you owe her nothing.
I don’t know a lot of homeless people that just got a full asking offer on their house….
I don't have kids, but everything else is pretty similar. Actually, it was when my mom tried to move in with me after my first home that I started standing up for myself. Unfortunately, I ended up selling and moving back in. I thought it was going to be temporary but pandemic. I think I forgot how much I hated living here. In fact, now that I'm here, I have a fog over most of my childhood memories. She has already kicked me out, and i moved in with my grandfather. He is really passive-aggressive normally and a little perv. He is bareable at least. My mom has been whispering in his ear, who knows what. After the job, I get to deal with extremely loud tv (on Fox News, too), things being unplugged, things missing, the stopper in the bathtub being plugged. I may have some potential good news this year. I found some land pretty cheap. I found out there was police standoff, which led to a gunfight. Definitely put a real damper in my good news, but that area is normally not that violent, but it did drive those prices down. I'm gonna drive out there and see what's what in person before i say yay or nay. Honestly, everywhere seems to be having random acts of violence, so I kinda hoping it's nothing. I'm don't think I can do too much more of this bullshit. I hope you have better luck than I've had. At least the home is yours, but she is going to give you hell until you go no contact, I'm afraid.
Wishing you all the best
It is always about the nParent's dream isn't it. It is always about them and their lack of boundaries! I had to face a similar situation but the nParent will be just fine without moving in. Or they won't be. It's not yours to fix or to negotiate any further. May I suggest that you don't use logic to discuss this with her. In fact don't discuss it any more - shut her conversations down. Remind yourself that logic never works with the nParent. Gray rock. Go NC if necessary. You will need to learn to be comfortable being the 'bad guy'. There is no longer a 'Plan B'. There is no negotiation. You are not cutting her off - she is creating an environment that is not sustainable nor healthy. SHE is making herself homeless. Boundaries are your friend and a pathway to keeping sane. (I used to have that taped to the inside of my bathroom mirror) You got this!
Just know that if she is acting this way already, so fast, with so much drama and sucks so much energy, it would only have gotten worse. All her dreams seems to be about controlling you and your family. You making this decision is difficult, but it would only have been harder if you waited more.
Absolutely. She’s back home right now packing up the rest of her belongings. The last week has been heavenly here without her. It makes me sad to know how I hoped she’d be was not reality. She settles 1/12. She had to come back abc get her car, dog and her items from here. I will then drive her back home and fly back to Florida. It’s going to take everything in my power to make that roadtrip without flipping out on her.
Can you get one of her flying monkeys to drive her back to Florida? It would save you time money and heartache. I would also change your locks once she is gone
I know all too well that pain we feel when we had hope we could make things work with them, but it was based in us tricking ourselves about their reality. Narc Parents make us grew up thiking the Scorpion and the Frog, the scorpion was justified, and the frog was just too sensitive. And this kind of brainwashing works on us even when they aren't around. But acting as you did despite that brainwashing of Fear, Obligation, Guilt is what is needed to be free. This drive sounds like a nightmare. You should expect her to act up, and plan your responses and defenses ahead of that. If one can take distance from a Narc, one can notice they are quite predictable. Use this predictability to plan how you will protect yourself. Planning concrete things helps manage the anxiety. I can't propose logistics to make it so, but talk to those close around you to help you plan for this. If there are ways to spend money to buy you peace of mind, do that too.
Why do u need to drive her? It’s her problem how she will get to wherever she needs to be. She call a freakin Uber for all I care
If any of your family members try to call to shame you, turn it on them. Say “oh, I’m glad you’re so excited to volunteer! I’ll let mom know right now that you would love for her to move in with you! Since you’re so interested in her housing situation, she can come to YOUR house, completely redecorate it to HER liking, control YOUR life and space, and YOU can deal with HER dog.”
THIS!. It's the perfect response for her actual flying monkeys and the ones that are in the making. Then try to follow through and tell your mother that the flying monkey truly voluntereed to house her and grab the popcorn to watch the show.
She's not homeless. She has plenty of money now to either: buy another place in your state or go anywhere else she pleases. She just had a plan in her mind that didn't include anything you or your husband were willing to accept. So she figured, once she moved in, you'd have no other choice but to keep her where she wants to be disregarding anything else. You speaking up for yourself is ruining her "plan" so she's mad. Good for you for finally speaking up! I honestly wouldn't care at that point what she says to you or family. She can't make unilateral decisions about your home and life. Anyone normal would tell her she has options and would only be homeless by her own choice at this point. If she had been anything positive in your home and made your home a happy place for everyone that'd be one thing but she sounds awful and overbearing. That's someone who has worn out their welcome for sure.
Your title sounds like your mother isn't living with you, but she is. It's going to be super hard to boot her out. What do you think of this plan? Give her one week to move out. Help her pack if you must. If she doesn't have arrangements by the end of the week, drive her and her things to a motel or hotel, preferably one at least an hour's drive away. She can make arrangements for herself from there. Since she just sold her house, she should have plenty of funds to find herself a place to rent. The hardest part will be getting her physically out of your house. She may refuse to go. If she refuses, I don't know what the next step will be. If she sees you're serious, she may flip and turn on the love bombing to try to placate you and get you to change your mind. Don't fall for it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she might have been with you long enough that you have to legally evict her if she refuses to move out. Give her a written notice with a time frame on it for her to leave, and be prepared to file for an eviction at the end of that notice period, if she refuses to go. I'm so sorry you tried to help and she is being awful.
I hope that OP is speaking to a lawyer and getting this eviction lined up right now. NMom may have to be physically removed from OP's house
Yeah, I was going to say, you may want to consult with a lawyer to make sure you do it right.
I'm so sorry. I can see my Mom doing that, too. Is there anyone who knows what a jerk she is who can help you? A cousin, sibling, etc.? If that's a No, get her butt on the Dr. Phil show (is that even a thing?). Your only real job is to make sure she doesn't ruin your relationship with your husband or kids. And lady, it's FLORIDA, there are boomers everywhere, go make some friends!
> And lady, it's FLORIDA, there are boomers everywhere, go make some friends! That might mean she would have to befriend people that won't let her control them.
I gave her plenty of senior group info. All discarded. She acts like she’s better than everyone. It pisses me off so bad how entitled she acts
My grandmother was the same way. They act like it's on their family to meet all of their needs.
Oooh yea, that's really common. Like they are SO much smarter and better, it's like an episode of Mean Girls but the cast is Golden Girls. So weird. If you start calling her Regina, will she know what you're implying? I try to have fun with it once in a while. MIL likes to play clueless victim so I started calling her Rose from Golden Girls. When she'd pull a "clueless" act I'd say OK Rose and walk away. It felt SO GOOD and she's covert so she wouldn't say a word.
Check the local laws where you live. In my state, if someone lives with you for more than 14 days. They can claim to be a tenant and you have to give them a 30-day eviction notice to get them out. I know those laws because I looked them up when I thought my father-in-law wanted to try permanently moving in with us in a sneaky way by saying he was just visiting.
This is another reason I don't let anyone visit for more than one day
She's not homeless, she sold a house and can buy a new one. Goodbye.
Even if she was. Not OP’s problem.
She still wants to run the entire show. I think they see themselves as the older grand mum that runs the entire family. That’s only in movies! So did my mum. They want input in everything. Set a deadline and get her out! Your situation will decline overtime…they never get easier.
> She still wants to run the entire show. I think they see themselves as the older grand mum that runs the entire family. That’s only in movies! My dad has said that he should be like the main character in Yellowstone.
Exactly!
Living with other adults is always a balancing act. When one of them is a narcissist, all the balancing falls to the other adults, and the results can’t help but be disastrous. You are 100% right in telling her that she cannot live with you. You stated it kindly: didn’t call her the selfish B that she is, rather “too independent”. She is NOT homeless, she has the proceeds from selling her home to choose any home she wants but one, and that is yours. All the rest is just narcissist reasoning. She’ll go back home, and destroy her own “dream” of living near her grandkids and the beach, you haven’t done that. I would guarantee that she could find a condo within easy driving distance of many beaches. But as it’s not what SHE wanted, it’s not acceptable. My brother and his wife bought a 2 bed condo, on a golf course near, but not terrifically near, the gulf coast for well under $200K a couple of years ago. They live there half the year. Your mother could do similar if she was willing to compromise. But that word is foreign to narcissists.
HER dream to raise your children wasn't YOUR dream. She's delusional. You aren't responsible for her feelings. Now is not the time to back down. DO NOT waffle your position even a little. In fact, I would give her until Jan. 31 to be out. Let me repeat this, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FEELINGS.
Everytime she drops hints, send her the website for the 55+ communities in Florida. They have hundreds. Do not let her be a burden to you, especially since she is independent and healthy!
She’s actually looking in Maryland at condos as we speak. But I think it’s a farce. She’s delusional or this is just a stunt. She is literally texting me she doesn’t want ‘bayside’ because it’s too isolated. EVERYTHING is isolated there. Where she’s looking is 2.5 hours from my sister. What a disaster. She will be in a vacation area with tourists. Literally this makes NO SENSE at all.
Leave her to her own devices. As long as she stays TF away from you.
Yes, it sounds like a farce. She is putting on a show that she is floundering and might end up doing something dumb. Probably thinking you will give in and rescue her, as in, tell her she can stay at your place afterall, even if it's "just a while longer, till you figure something better out". Nope. Once settled back in, she'll try again to make it permanent. She might turn on the love-bombing to try to convince you, or your husband and kids to convince you if she puts on the kind sweet grandma act. Maybe shower you with "gifts". Or she might create a "medical emergency" to manipulate you. Don't trust her till she is well and truly out of your home. Good luck.
Yeah, no. Narcs are not nice to us so why should you be mindful of her and her feelings? Just tell her properly NO and tell her to pack her bags
This is literally happening to me right now. I had the courage to say no to moving in with me (after dry heaving and barely being able to eat for days woohoo) , now she wants to be added to my utilities to claim residency with me? But not live there? Also no plan B!
Uh what? She wants to be added to your utility bills?
This is about total control. Its not about her ."dream."
You are doing awesome!!! You seriously considered it and gave it a test run while she decided the plan was a done deal. Her mistake. She can certainly move to the beach but the expectation of 'raising her grandchildren' is a screaming red flag along with all the others you note. Don't let her nag you into what you do not want. Let her bad mouth you to everyone - not your problem. For those you choose to discuss the topic with, be direct: she takes over and over-steps EVERYTHING. She has the proceeds from her home sale to start fresh. I suggest you name a timeline for her departure. Her remaining in the house until the 'perfect' house is found will not work because she will find fault with ANY and EVERY house that is considered, dragging out her stay with you with hopes that you will relent to her playing victim and flying monkeys shaming you. Don't let it get there. Good luck and please update us!
You need to sharpen your spine for the remainder of time that she stays with you. Put your foot down on the takeover.
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Thank you! This whole experience has me seeing exactly who she is and always has been EYES WIDE OPEN. She is a covert n.
Your mother doesn't understand the contract. Yes you discussed the renovations, the budget and everything was set. But the contract demanded that she behave and not take over your house and your life. She is focused on the structure of the house and living space instead of the structure of a family relationship. No matter what you did, it was going to end up this way once you agreed to share any portion of your land and buildings with her. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. Just that we can never expect our good intentions to go well when we attempt to share our lives with narcissists. Yet so many of us keep trying because we are good people who want help our family members.
“Mom, I love you and of course we want you to be in our lives. But my husband promised to take care of me until death do us part in our wedding vows, not me and my mother. There’s just not room for a third head of household in this marriage.”
My mom keeps sending me links to big houses since she knows we're looking. Always with a note of "big enough for all of us!". I live in TX. The parents are in GA. There's a reason I'm so far away 🤣 I've suggested they downsize and buy a condo in Florida but they're hell bent on living with me eventually. Mom is a straight narcissist. Dad is her enabler. It sounds like a prison sentence. They also think my sole reason to exist is to take care of them in their old age. I'm the only child retirement fund I guess. So far I just ignore them and tell them to plan funerals and retirement homes accordingly because I'm not paying for either. This post made me furious to read. Make her leave now.
You are going to have to evict her. It is going to be ugly and it is going to cost some money and possibly some friends and family. She needs to find her own place to live. And you have to take legal action and you need to do it now
>She tries to force food, etc on everyone What is the deal with this and narcs? They always try to force you to eat what they want you to eat. It's very annoying. BTW sorry you have to deal with this. Fortunately I only have a small place with one bedroom and my dad couldn't move in after he and my mom divorced. I would not want to live with him again. I can only imagine what you're going through. You don't owe your mom a lifestyle. That is something she should have prepared for.
First thing I'd tell her is that she is NOT raising your children. Wtf is that about? She needs to be separated just because she's stomping all over your life. Pissed me off just reading it ugg
I'm proud of you for recognizing the pattern and holding tight to your boundaries. Your mother tried to force your hand by listing her home, which she probably knew was going to sell quickly if she had more than a perfunctory conversation with her realtor. As the saying goes, she played a bitch game and she won a bitch prize. I'll bet that the people she's asking to throw her a pity party right now are 1. Not people whose opinions hold any weight in your life and 2. Not people who would EVER consider hosting your mother for more than the length of a dinner party. Anyone who would have cautioned her against listing is someone she probably pruned from her circle long ago. Narcs are adept at cultivating echo chambers full of yes-men.
I think it’s time to show your character. You’re on raised by narc sub, therefore u consider your mum a narc. So what exactly do u like about her and why do u have to tell her that you enjoy her company etc? Narcs are childish, entitled, overbearing, rude, and selfish, what’s there to like? I think u should tell ur mum to F off and shut down her attempts of guilt tripping in a rough way and put her in her place.
I'm so sorry. Here is a hug internet stranger. We are that sandwich generation. Still having children at home and then have parents becoming the next dependents. I've buried my parents. My husbands.........are going to be awful. Maybe sell your place. But a bigger lot. Build 2 structures using your money and all of hers. That way you both have your own space. I agree wholeheartedly. I cannot share space with my mother in law. Been there. Done that.. It is terrible.
Who cares what she tells her friends? That sounds like a nightmare. She’s gotta go.