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Yeah, unfortunately. One by one, my extended family kept reaching out and defending my parents and subtly blaming me for the abuse. What my parents did was royally fucked up, and the fact I had no community to validate me on that kept me in the dark for so long.
I'm glad I'm out now!
Yeah I've had to end most of my friendships because so many of my friends turned out to be narcissists. On the one hand, it's good that I no longer have these people dragging me down and I have peace but it is very lonely.
I can relate to this. Growing up with this kind of abuse we don’t learn boundaries. I grew up feeling like the stupid one even though I was supposedly “gifted”. Couldn’t do anything right. So I “needed to listen” to everyone else. Well, that pretty much ruined my life. My in-laws are more toxic than my own family.
Yes. They are all committed to maintaining the dysfunctional dynamic that has resulted in so much pain and damage. I cut all contact for my own safety.
Yes, they all have issues and do not look inward or admit their faults. I think when someone tries to be a better human for themselves and others it’s the difference between a narcissist and a regular person.
about half are as wonderful humans as you could get, and the other half are….flavors of narcissism, in my mom’s siblings set anyway. extended fam out I don’t know as well, aside from a few who are great! because mom really didn’t interact with any of them.
i have an aunt, and an uncle, siblings of my mom ( gran had 6 kids), who are like, classic narcissist, and a couple cousins who are also in that. so it was kind of hit and miss.
My whole family is.
My narc mother and all her 2 siblings are horrible people, unethical, they are horrible. But my mother is the worst person I have ever known. She is a psychopath, very selfish, tantrums 4x a day. She is horrible. I am very sorry
Completely. My family and my husband’s. We are both on therapy and NC to make sure our son (born recently and the one that made us wake up and see the reality of all the sick familiar dynamics) grows far away physically and mentally from this sick people. In July we move out to another country. Can’t wait to finally “breathe”.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure my mom is a narc or has bpd, my real father was an alcoholic and I have no contact with him anymore.
The father of my mother was a physically abusive alcoholic as well and went to jail so neither she nor I ever knew him.
My grandmother (on mom‘s side) is much better than my mom but has a huge victim complex and is obsessed with other people‘s (especially men‘s) opinion of her so I don’t know what that says about her.
My aunt (mom‘s sister) has schizophrenia.
My stepfather most certainly has serious issues for enduring and supporting her abuse for so long. He is depressed, I’m very sure of it, and probably has masochistic tendencies and just gravitates toward abusers while completely forsaking the healthy people in his life.
And then there is me: anxiety and depression.
Of course no one in my family is actively seeking therapy but me. Instead they are judging my choice to go on antidepressants and think I am crazy (as an actual diagnosis from a certified professional = „crazy“ to them).
Yes, sadly. My sister, I had hope for, but I lost it recently.
I had just started to try repairing our relationship, but you just can't when they refuse to get therapy and learn how to converse.
I'm the only one who broke away, chose to get therapy and actively pursue unlearning the toxic patterns.
The older people in the family either:
(1) abusive narcissists,
(2) uncles / aunts that basically enable the abuse by pointing the abusers away from their immediate family and shaming scapegoats who are being abused so they basically “keep the narc happy” so they don’t get bothered
(3) younger / my generation trying to tip toe around the narc … because we all understand the narcs behavior will get worse when their bad behavior causes them to lose everyone …. So we ironically are trying to HELP the narcs… who don’t realize
“Hey you dumb ****, if you keep doing this people who came back before will start leaving and you’ll be alone.”
I don’t think the narcs realize that they were never “in control” with negative reenforcement, millennials were just trying to ensure we didn’t get abused more and we had to work around them.
But now that that generation is older and can leave, and we see their behavior keeps getting worse no matter what they do, we are starting to leave one by one.
The narc has been trained to think it’s their “authority and anger” that has got them what they wanted over the decades, so they make that worse.
When in reality , they had empathetic people around them who tried to tell them “if you keep doing this eventually we can’t stop people from leaving you are going to end up alone”.
They didn’t want to hear it.
And not shockingly:
Over 2/3rds of my generation among the two narcs in the family have now moved out of our home city (50% left the dam state) because our choices were:
Option 1: continue to enable the abuse as it gets worse so they can lie to themselves that their anger is getting them what they want , instead of empathy from their kids generation behind the scenes trying to smooth things out.
Option 2: protect our own
Future families and begin healing, knowing we need at least 5 to 10 years to heal this trauma 6 we have our own family’s
I am DONE getting abused. I am DONE enabling.
It’s time I
Begin healing so my future kid doesn’t have to look up at me and ask “dad, why doesn’t grandma and uncle love me”?” … which is always what I ask myself.
It’s time to defend my future kids.
Unfortunately, yes. My sisters are enablers. They didn't know my full story but accuse me that that's my fault.
One of them knew my problems and I just gave her a gist but unfortunately she told the birthgiver. And then she's mad at me, yell at me and curse me for telling my problems to everyone.
Now, I accept that I have no one. Even my sisters are kind to me doesn't mean they are good to me. Kind and good are different things to me.
My family has a light side and a dark side. There are a few normal, delightful, embracing people. There were somewhat more gossips, grudge-holders, manipulators, liars, hysterics, and keepers of terrible secrets. Most in the latter column are dead now. I will never know the whole origin story behind my family’s weird pathologies.
Probably. Immediate family is for sure, extended I haven't seen in years.
It's sad when you realize how small your circle of support actually is, when 1 by 1 " family" proves they don't give a shit.
Yes. I have a huge extended family. They're either malignant narcissists or zombies.
The zombies are neutral. They pretty much hide, avoid conflict and avoid family gatherings. The zombies seem "nice" by comparison because they're not toxic, but they're really just wallflowers. They're not good or bad. They just exist.
The nicest members of my family, ones who I can be honest with about how shitty my parents were and how damaging my childhood was are still people I want to keep at an arm's length.
My aunt seems to care about me and wants the best for me, but she is pretty socially shameless (wouldn't think twice about queue jumping, pushing her luck to get a bargain or doing a little bit of light swindling if selling something. She also used to shoplift as a teen and doesn't seem too embarrassed about it). Not the type to commit a serious crime, but she's raised my oldest cousin to be the same. A ruthless businessman at the age of 19 who really mostly seems to only care about money over ethics. Plus they are both massive homophobes and I don't want to expose my future kids to that. At least my aunt thinks both of my parents were shitheads to their kids.
My grandma cares about me but gives a lot of unsolicited advice and tries to wedge her way into my personal life with her "strong opinions". She's the sort to try and make me be friends and take care of my brother who I've not had a relationship with for the last 16 years, or tries to guilt trip me over not having kids yet or not calling my parents enough. I've started combating it by directly telling her to keep her opinions to herself if she ever wants me to pick up her calls at all :D
I've had missed calls from both this weekend and I've not called back. They're the nicest members of the family.
Well, they all believed the smear campaign without ever consulting with me. I think it's toxic that they would believe I'd be capable of the things said about me in the smear campaign. I think it's toxic to believe stuff like that without talking to the person it's being said about.
Yep. Went no contact 20 years ago. Reached out after my husband (also toxic) passed in 2022 because I was completely alone. Spent time with a cousin and 2 aunts. One aunt has done a lot of work to heal from her abuse, but the rest are even worse than I remember. Now, I'm working through the new damage they have done on top of the old trauma and grief. Fuck family!
Yes, they’re all insane in a different way and they are so stuck in their ways and refuse to self reflect. They’re miserable and spend so much time gossiping about people for no reason and creating drama where there isn’t any. It’s sad to see tbh but I’ve had to distance myself, can’t be around that.
I'll say about half of my extended family is batshit crazy. Like we literally had our first Christmas together this year in years.... and it broke down into massive arguments and a stolen cake. Mainly because my crazy aunt got kicked out of Xmas closer to her house so came to spoil ours.
Immediate fam, no. But the one that isn't I still have to distance myself from because of the way our family system 'works' which still triggers me. Old habits are so hard to overcome even if you're both trying.
Extended fam, no. But the ones that aren't, 'choose neutrality' which means silence about what happened. In part because they don't know who is lying or to what extent (it can't be that bad, that's not how we know..**person). And in part because they don't want to get involved because they have no use for drama.
Result is the N gets to maintain face and go to family gatherings, and is continuing to establish their story about how bad I am.
Meanwhile I am NC and live a couple countries away so I can't see my family to protest the lies.
I wish things were different. In my opinion my extended family should have judged the Nparent a long time ago, given the courage for divorce, life would have been so different for all of us.
My entire immediate family is. I think they’re all narcissists and they made me a narcissist though I have hope unlike them because I actually have a soul which is the reason I questioned how screwed up our family is. And then my parents gaslit me and I knew I needed to get out. There’s no hope for them. I’m going into therapy. Realizing I’ve been manipulated by my devouring mother my entire life has brought me back to reality and shattered the insufferable narcissism she poisoned us all with.
I don’t know. I’m not able to have an independent relationship with any of them. I needed to remove myself in distance from my NMum and I know she poisons the well - so if they all hate me how would they know any different? To them I moved away to hurt her, and I don’t have an opportunity to get to know them and tell them any different. So I guess I don’t know if they’re siding with her because they always would or because I’m too broken to reach out and defend myself
I haven’t met a lot of my family but besides the abuser and enabler everyone else in the family isn’t exactly “toxic”. The only “toxic” thing about them is that they are still denying the hell they were put through by the abuser and still sometimes give the abuser supply.
Looking at them now that I’m out of it, I see how beat down and abused they are. Completely broken by the awful personality of the abuser and enabler.
Even though I wouldn’t call them “toxic” their denial of their victimhood makes them too “toxic” for me to be around.
More of them are awful than not. My brother is an amazing human who married another amazing human though, and I genuinely look forward to seeing both of them when we get together. My sister is also ok, but we don’t have much of a relationship right now because she still lives with our nmom and is super enmeshed.
My mom is a bipolar narc. My father is an authoritarian enabler. They have divorced, so my father has mellowed a little.
My brother (GC) is I think a narc (manipulative, can't take a joke, can't stop talking about his sexual life when told to, etc.)
As for grandparents
On my father side, my grandmother is a little psychotic and probably a narc ("I'm kind to everyone", says mean things behind the back). My grandfather was a bitter man (with a double family)
On my mother side, my grandmother was very probably a narc (no boundaries, told lies, etc.). My grandfather I don't know maybe was an authoritarian (he was kind with me, so I don't know)
If you limit family to that, yeah I think most of it is toxic
Cousins, great aunts/uncles, etc. I don't know, because never had a lot of relations with them.
Yeah mostly. On my dad's side especially. I think my cousins on my mom's side might be OK but they're younger so we didn't really grow up together and I don't want to reach out anyways (one cousin is my mom's godchild).
Yeah my family is pretty much full of narcissists and enablers. Plus everyone in my family just sticks their head in the sand and pretends that the narcissists' (there is more than one) behaviour is totally normal, even when it really, really isn't.
Yeah, except for some cousins maybe? And my younger sister now that she’s detached from the rest of them. It’s a real f-ed up codependent, dysfunctional shit-show, and that stems from generations of abuse, alcohol, drug addiction, untreated mental health issues. Nice normal looking family on the outside, hard working, respected in the community but underneath was an absolute nightmare. I didn’t see it for what it was until I moved away.
Once you see the dysfunction for what it is and have healed from the abuse, you will feel like fish out of water with your family. If they're not narcs, they're generally enablers and/or flying monkeys. Only two relatives of mine are reliable. Everyone else is a nuisance. On both sides of the family. If your parents are married chances are, both families were compatible in their dysfunctions. I'm low or no contact with them except for these 2 relatives.
Yes. My mother has been deceased for almost 13 years and I finally finally had the courage to talk to my dad and sister (I am 44F, they are 76M and 43F respectively) about our childhood (strict Catholic military family where I am the black sheep and *gasp* a LESBIAN) and generational trauma and both of them gaslit me to no end and made me feel like I was making things up.
I still want a relationship with both of them, I am already distanced from them physically (dad lives in BC, sister in MB, I am in ON), but now I know 100% confirmed they don’t have my back. Good thing I have others in my life who do. I just need to move forward knowing that both of them are narcissists and treat them accordingly.
All of them, minus myself. The scary thing is that they have acted like they loved me, when they really hated me my entire life. Kudos to those of us who understand🤗
The side of my sperm donor mostly is, people I interacted with most of my life. He has 4 siblings.
His sister is a narcissist, and it was very known you never accepted her help because she would come back to demand you to pay her back or guilttrip you.
His brother I grew up around was actually pretty great, at least to me. We would visit him a lot more frequently when I was younger. Before I left, he had just beat colon cancer and even then was still amazing and so supportive (I was struggling with what was labeled as Crohn's Disease and he showed so much compassion for me)
Brother 1 I only met later came to visit a couple times. All he knew about me was that I played piano and liked older music, so he got me this nice little book about pianos and classical music for my birthday. He also brought his guitar on one visit and we played Beatles songs. From all I heard, he was a pretty bad spouse and father though, but started realizing he was fucking up after his divorce (to be fair, that entire family is traumatized to hell and back)
Brother 2 I met later was a devout Christian and from all I heard also not a great parent. Only ever met that guy once and he was kinda weird, but didn't treat me bad. Just...off.
Grandma on that side was a hoarder and devout Christian who kept trying to convert my sperm donor, which led to him going no contact for a while. When she came to visit, no one really wanted her to stay at their place a lot of the time. She cared for us grandkids, I only met her once a year at best, and not until I was in elementary school, so I never actually felt much towards her.
Grandpa on that side (they are divorced) must be one of the smartest people I have ever met. Also a Nazi, but that man is nearing 100 and never actually brought his political ideologies up. Only in the recent year that I saw him start to struggle with Dementia. From all I know, he was a pretty abusive parent, but not more so than most parents that generation were, not that it excuses anything. I only saw him once or twice a year but grew up writing him letters and with him around sometimes. I admired him for his brains and the stories he told, he was still very fit at 80 and 90, taking daily walks and didn't start deteriorating until they fucked his hip replacement up. He sent me his entire Reader Digest collection once because I had shown interest in one of the books on a visit.
-------
On my spawnpoint's side, my uncle is actually one of my favorite family members. Total oddball. Lived with us for a while, crazy talented with programming and music (instruments and singing), rather bikes to work for an hour in the middle of winter than getting his license back, married a woman with 4 kids and now has 6 and counting. We used to stay up for nights and do though experiments about zombie apocalypses and vampires. He actually showed me Interview with a Vampire and lived across the playground from my ex best friends house once, so we'd go to visit him every time I was here and he would put movies on a USB drive for us. He also totally turned his life around and went back to school to become a carer for disabled people.
I know I have an aunt on that side but no one talks about her bc she is my grandma's kid and she gave her away. I saw her once when I was like 7 and then we had planned to go shopping in a big city with her, but that never happened. Her coming to visit almost caused a falling out between my spawnpoint and grandma. She is apparently severely mentally ill, too. Something super looked down upon in that family.
Grandma dropped out of school before 8th grade, was raised to be stupid and I only later found out she was apparently Russian (cue identity crisis). She ran away at 15 to be with my (then 25 years old) grandpa. Never had an opinion on her own, but she was insanely loving towards us, would do everything to make me and my little brother happy. We stayed many nights at their place because they loved to have us over. I very late learned that she used to be an alcoholic and had a tendency to storm out of places and slam door until I was a toddler. Learned that after she walked out of a BBQ because she couldn't hold my baby cousin all the time. She WALKED OVER TWO HOURS because she couldn't hold a baby that wasn't hers... then people actually told me.
Grandpa was a very proud straight up Nazi, but unless you brought up political views with him he'd keep it kinda low and just make comments here and there and had pride in voting for the Nazi Party. Just like Grandma, he loved having us over and would do everything for us. They had a whole bank account with thousands for me and my brother to share once we each were 16 (it went into a driver's license I never got since I am unable to drive for several reasons but was forced to try and get by my abusers. 5k down the drain). Sometimes I questioned if my grandparents actually loved each other, but maybe that's just the way they were, making jabs at each other. They had also been through hell and back with the separation of Germany and having been political criminals in the DDR and incarcerated for a while, then fleeing etc.
-----
My sister is a sweetheart and if it was safe for me to keep my contact with her, I would, I want to more than anything. During my many hospital stays towards me turning 18, she was always there because she lived so close to the hospital and we grew very close. She'd stay with me when I was home alone for a weekend and we'd talk and vent about the abuse we experience(d). I really hope she understands that I left.
My older brother is awful. He has tried to strangle me the day after my birthday in front of my two closest friends because I told him not to be a bitch to them. My abusers just sat and watched. He apparently used to love taking care of me when I was a baby, but once I developed a personality of my own, he started resenting me and has outright said so.
My little brother has been beaten into absolute submission and went from a sweet, sensitive boy who would regularly tell me he hated gender, wanted to wear dresses, painted his nails on school holidays and wouldn't let anyone touch his hair to this bigotry spewing, short haired almost teen boy that has no consequences for his actions besides being abused for showing emotions. When I left, he regularly had panic attacks, it was noted he had inappropriate reactions to things, no one could sleep at our place because he feared even his friends would kill him in his sleep etc etc. He once asked to put on one of my dresses and I told him not to show our abusers, he still did and we got yelled at, told "he does not get to decide about his body, he is 7! I control his body!". Or when I dressed him up for costume festivals, I got in trouble because I forced it on him. When he expressed explicitly that he hated his body because it was a male body, they bullied him about it so much he just stopped. I miss him. I hope he is okay.
Majority of people I’ve been associated with whether of be family or friends have been toxic one way or the other, i’ve became quite toxic myself. But these experiences have taught me not to really care about anyone other than myself, i’ve ghosted and erased friends who smile to your face but stab you in the back. As far as family our concerned I keep at arms length, certain members. At events i keep the peace and don’t stay too long, but that only happens a few times per year. I find now O prefer do my own thing and actually enjoy not being around people, it’s quite peaceful now. Aplogies of this has came across as quite self absorbed, but distancing yourself and living your own life without drama will be give you some peace of mind. Keep moving forward and don’t let the toxic behaviour dictate your life. Hopefully that helps
Nah, a lot of them are very confused though. The ones who went LC/NC have been able to find really good replacement families, which I’m really glad about.
The family culture my husband grew up in is toxic, yes. (I'm in this sub because my FIL and the man's wife are narcissists.) Apparently the whole lot of FIL's generation are toxic, with the exception of a very few. A certain Aunt and uncle had escaped the toxicity, and only interact with the main group when they have to.
I'd say so.
I don't speak to my biological father or his side of the family since they all collectively decided to disown me (at 7 years old, btw) except for my grandfather, but unfortunately he passed away a few months ago.
from what I heard both my father and his brother didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral, and even tried convincing my grandfather's wife not to inform me of his passing because, and I quote, "she would probably be happy that he's dead." that confirmed to me that I should never attempt to contact them again as they seem to hold no regret in disowning a 7 year old child and then making her the villain years later.
mom's side has a healthier dynamic but still considerable flaws. my grandparents know next to nothing about me yet complain that I rarely ever visit, despite never making the effort themselves. they also have a big favoritism towards my disabled cousin, and whenever I do see them all they talk about is him. it's a bit disheartening.
Yes my NM and siblings are all toxic and abusive. I had a normal father who loved me but he died when I was a teenager and left me all alone with monsters.
My family is huge. 40 members all in all. They are either narcissists or severely anxious/ depressed. Sexual abuse, beatings or (in my case) "only" verbal/ emotional abuse around me. I am the only one who dared to call them out. The only one who left. I'm persona non grata for lifetime.
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Yeah, unfortunately. One by one, my extended family kept reaching out and defending my parents and subtly blaming me for the abuse. What my parents did was royally fucked up, and the fact I had no community to validate me on that kept me in the dark for so long. I'm glad I'm out now!
Ditto! I feel your pain.
My favorite cousin who came to live with me, instead of taking up for me started to verbally abuse me like my narc mine. So glad I'm not contact
Yeah, pretty much. Both the biological one and the “family-by-choice” (didn’t realize until two decades later, unfortunately).
Yeah I've had to end most of my friendships because so many of my friends turned out to be narcissists. On the one hand, it's good that I no longer have these people dragging me down and I have peace but it is very lonely.
I can relate to this. Growing up with this kind of abuse we don’t learn boundaries. I grew up feeling like the stupid one even though I was supposedly “gifted”. Couldn’t do anything right. So I “needed to listen” to everyone else. Well, that pretty much ruined my life. My in-laws are more toxic than my own family.
If they’re not, they’re enablers/ flying monkeys for those who are 🤪
Some are toxic, like the GC, others are flying monkeys (some of mother's siblings), and others just in denial.
Exactly, my mother is the toxic one but my dad seems to ignore that fact and just enable her behavior. I’m still confused why to this day?!
Yuppers
Immediate family, yes, and I suspect much of my extended family as well.
Yes. They are all committed to maintaining the dysfunctional dynamic that has resulted in so much pain and damage. I cut all contact for my own safety.
Yes, they all have issues and do not look inward or admit their faults. I think when someone tries to be a better human for themselves and others it’s the difference between a narcissist and a regular person.
All of them by extension. Anyone that enables and takes part in my mothers bullshit is toxic so Ive cut every single one of them out
Yes, don't even know what actual love feels like
about half are as wonderful humans as you could get, and the other half are….flavors of narcissism, in my mom’s siblings set anyway. extended fam out I don’t know as well, aside from a few who are great! because mom really didn’t interact with any of them. i have an aunt, and an uncle, siblings of my mom ( gran had 6 kids), who are like, classic narcissist, and a couple cousins who are also in that. so it was kind of hit and miss.
My whole family is. My narc mother and all her 2 siblings are horrible people, unethical, they are horrible. But my mother is the worst person I have ever known. She is a psychopath, very selfish, tantrums 4x a day. She is horrible. I am very sorry
Completely. My family and my husband’s. We are both on therapy and NC to make sure our son (born recently and the one that made us wake up and see the reality of all the sick familiar dynamics) grows far away physically and mentally from this sick people. In July we move out to another country. Can’t wait to finally “breathe”.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure my mom is a narc or has bpd, my real father was an alcoholic and I have no contact with him anymore. The father of my mother was a physically abusive alcoholic as well and went to jail so neither she nor I ever knew him. My grandmother (on mom‘s side) is much better than my mom but has a huge victim complex and is obsessed with other people‘s (especially men‘s) opinion of her so I don’t know what that says about her. My aunt (mom‘s sister) has schizophrenia. My stepfather most certainly has serious issues for enduring and supporting her abuse for so long. He is depressed, I’m very sure of it, and probably has masochistic tendencies and just gravitates toward abusers while completely forsaking the healthy people in his life. And then there is me: anxiety and depression. Of course no one in my family is actively seeking therapy but me. Instead they are judging my choice to go on antidepressants and think I am crazy (as an actual diagnosis from a certified professional = „crazy“ to them).
Yes, sadly. My sister, I had hope for, but I lost it recently. I had just started to try repairing our relationship, but you just can't when they refuse to get therapy and learn how to converse. I'm the only one who broke away, chose to get therapy and actively pursue unlearning the toxic patterns.
The older people in the family either: (1) abusive narcissists, (2) uncles / aunts that basically enable the abuse by pointing the abusers away from their immediate family and shaming scapegoats who are being abused so they basically “keep the narc happy” so they don’t get bothered (3) younger / my generation trying to tip toe around the narc … because we all understand the narcs behavior will get worse when their bad behavior causes them to lose everyone …. So we ironically are trying to HELP the narcs… who don’t realize “Hey you dumb ****, if you keep doing this people who came back before will start leaving and you’ll be alone.” I don’t think the narcs realize that they were never “in control” with negative reenforcement, millennials were just trying to ensure we didn’t get abused more and we had to work around them. But now that that generation is older and can leave, and we see their behavior keeps getting worse no matter what they do, we are starting to leave one by one. The narc has been trained to think it’s their “authority and anger” that has got them what they wanted over the decades, so they make that worse. When in reality , they had empathetic people around them who tried to tell them “if you keep doing this eventually we can’t stop people from leaving you are going to end up alone”. They didn’t want to hear it. And not shockingly: Over 2/3rds of my generation among the two narcs in the family have now moved out of our home city (50% left the dam state) because our choices were: Option 1: continue to enable the abuse as it gets worse so they can lie to themselves that their anger is getting them what they want , instead of empathy from their kids generation behind the scenes trying to smooth things out. Option 2: protect our own Future families and begin healing, knowing we need at least 5 to 10 years to heal this trauma 6 we have our own family’s I am DONE getting abused. I am DONE enabling. It’s time I Begin healing so my future kid doesn’t have to look up at me and ask “dad, why doesn’t grandma and uncle love me”?” … which is always what I ask myself. It’s time to defend my future kids.
Yes. Immediate and extended.
Pretty much
Yes,
Unfortunately, yes. My sisters are enablers. They didn't know my full story but accuse me that that's my fault. One of them knew my problems and I just gave her a gist but unfortunately she told the birthgiver. And then she's mad at me, yell at me and curse me for telling my problems to everyone. Now, I accept that I have no one. Even my sisters are kind to me doesn't mean they are good to me. Kind and good are different things to me.
The immediate fam, yes. They're all drunks. The parents and one sib are very narcissistic. I avoid them all.
My family has a light side and a dark side. There are a few normal, delightful, embracing people. There were somewhat more gossips, grudge-holders, manipulators, liars, hysterics, and keepers of terrible secrets. Most in the latter column are dead now. I will never know the whole origin story behind my family’s weird pathologies.
Probably. Immediate family is for sure, extended I haven't seen in years. It's sad when you realize how small your circle of support actually is, when 1 by 1 " family" proves they don't give a shit.
Yes. I have a huge extended family. They're either malignant narcissists or zombies. The zombies are neutral. They pretty much hide, avoid conflict and avoid family gatherings. The zombies seem "nice" by comparison because they're not toxic, but they're really just wallflowers. They're not good or bad. They just exist.
Nuclear family.. mostly. Extended family, not nearly as much.
The nicest members of my family, ones who I can be honest with about how shitty my parents were and how damaging my childhood was are still people I want to keep at an arm's length. My aunt seems to care about me and wants the best for me, but she is pretty socially shameless (wouldn't think twice about queue jumping, pushing her luck to get a bargain or doing a little bit of light swindling if selling something. She also used to shoplift as a teen and doesn't seem too embarrassed about it). Not the type to commit a serious crime, but she's raised my oldest cousin to be the same. A ruthless businessman at the age of 19 who really mostly seems to only care about money over ethics. Plus they are both massive homophobes and I don't want to expose my future kids to that. At least my aunt thinks both of my parents were shitheads to their kids. My grandma cares about me but gives a lot of unsolicited advice and tries to wedge her way into my personal life with her "strong opinions". She's the sort to try and make me be friends and take care of my brother who I've not had a relationship with for the last 16 years, or tries to guilt trip me over not having kids yet or not calling my parents enough. I've started combating it by directly telling her to keep her opinions to herself if she ever wants me to pick up her calls at all :D I've had missed calls from both this weekend and I've not called back. They're the nicest members of the family.
Well, they all believed the smear campaign without ever consulting with me. I think it's toxic that they would believe I'd be capable of the things said about me in the smear campaign. I think it's toxic to believe stuff like that without talking to the person it's being said about.
Yep. Went no contact 20 years ago. Reached out after my husband (also toxic) passed in 2022 because I was completely alone. Spent time with a cousin and 2 aunts. One aunt has done a lot of work to heal from her abuse, but the rest are even worse than I remember. Now, I'm working through the new damage they have done on top of the old trauma and grief. Fuck family!
Yes they are toxic and dysfunctional
Yes, they’re all insane in a different way and they are so stuck in their ways and refuse to self reflect. They’re miserable and spend so much time gossiping about people for no reason and creating drama where there isn’t any. It’s sad to see tbh but I’ve had to distance myself, can’t be around that.
Same! I've now put so much distance between myself and family (includes extended).
I'll say about half of my extended family is batshit crazy. Like we literally had our first Christmas together this year in years.... and it broke down into massive arguments and a stolen cake. Mainly because my crazy aunt got kicked out of Xmas closer to her house so came to spoil ours.
Immediate fam, no. But the one that isn't I still have to distance myself from because of the way our family system 'works' which still triggers me. Old habits are so hard to overcome even if you're both trying. Extended fam, no. But the ones that aren't, 'choose neutrality' which means silence about what happened. In part because they don't know who is lying or to what extent (it can't be that bad, that's not how we know..**person). And in part because they don't want to get involved because they have no use for drama. Result is the N gets to maintain face and go to family gatherings, and is continuing to establish their story about how bad I am. Meanwhile I am NC and live a couple countries away so I can't see my family to protest the lies. I wish things were different. In my opinion my extended family should have judged the Nparent a long time ago, given the courage for divorce, life would have been so different for all of us.
My entire immediate family is. I think they’re all narcissists and they made me a narcissist though I have hope unlike them because I actually have a soul which is the reason I questioned how screwed up our family is. And then my parents gaslit me and I knew I needed to get out. There’s no hope for them. I’m going into therapy. Realizing I’ve been manipulated by my devouring mother my entire life has brought me back to reality and shattered the insufferable narcissism she poisoned us all with.
Yes
To varying degrees but, yes, each member of my immediate family is toxic. My extended family might be, some of my cousins are okay though.
I don’t know. I’m not able to have an independent relationship with any of them. I needed to remove myself in distance from my NMum and I know she poisons the well - so if they all hate me how would they know any different? To them I moved away to hurt her, and I don’t have an opportunity to get to know them and tell them any different. So I guess I don’t know if they’re siding with her because they always would or because I’m too broken to reach out and defend myself
I haven’t met a lot of my family but besides the abuser and enabler everyone else in the family isn’t exactly “toxic”. The only “toxic” thing about them is that they are still denying the hell they were put through by the abuser and still sometimes give the abuser supply. Looking at them now that I’m out of it, I see how beat down and abused they are. Completely broken by the awful personality of the abuser and enabler. Even though I wouldn’t call them “toxic” their denial of their victimhood makes them too “toxic” for me to be around.
Yes. Both sides. Dad’s side has been completely cut off since the early 2000’s and mom’s side was completely cut off in 2020.
Then I married a narcissist and couldn’t see through everything for 18 years.
More of them are awful than not. My brother is an amazing human who married another amazing human though, and I genuinely look forward to seeing both of them when we get together. My sister is also ok, but we don’t have much of a relationship right now because she still lives with our nmom and is super enmeshed.
I can quite literally point out my toxic family members (which is a good like 90 percent)
Yup
My aunt, sister, and parents are extremely mentally ill narcissists
Yeah a majority of them are.
My mom is a bipolar narc. My father is an authoritarian enabler. They have divorced, so my father has mellowed a little. My brother (GC) is I think a narc (manipulative, can't take a joke, can't stop talking about his sexual life when told to, etc.) As for grandparents On my father side, my grandmother is a little psychotic and probably a narc ("I'm kind to everyone", says mean things behind the back). My grandfather was a bitter man (with a double family) On my mother side, my grandmother was very probably a narc (no boundaries, told lies, etc.). My grandfather I don't know maybe was an authoritarian (he was kind with me, so I don't know) If you limit family to that, yeah I think most of it is toxic Cousins, great aunts/uncles, etc. I don't know, because never had a lot of relations with them.
Not all but there’s definitely a genetic component.
Yeah mostly. On my dad's side especially. I think my cousins on my mom's side might be OK but they're younger so we didn't really grow up together and I don't want to reach out anyways (one cousin is my mom's godchild).
Yes!!!
Yeah my family is pretty much full of narcissists and enablers. Plus everyone in my family just sticks their head in the sand and pretends that the narcissists' (there is more than one) behaviour is totally normal, even when it really, really isn't.
Yep, especially on my Nmother's side of the "family".
Yeah, except for some cousins maybe? And my younger sister now that she’s detached from the rest of them. It’s a real f-ed up codependent, dysfunctional shit-show, and that stems from generations of abuse, alcohol, drug addiction, untreated mental health issues. Nice normal looking family on the outside, hard working, respected in the community but underneath was an absolute nightmare. I didn’t see it for what it was until I moved away.
Once you see the dysfunction for what it is and have healed from the abuse, you will feel like fish out of water with your family. If they're not narcs, they're generally enablers and/or flying monkeys. Only two relatives of mine are reliable. Everyone else is a nuisance. On both sides of the family. If your parents are married chances are, both families were compatible in their dysfunctions. I'm low or no contact with them except for these 2 relatives.
Yes. My mother has been deceased for almost 13 years and I finally finally had the courage to talk to my dad and sister (I am 44F, they are 76M and 43F respectively) about our childhood (strict Catholic military family where I am the black sheep and *gasp* a LESBIAN) and generational trauma and both of them gaslit me to no end and made me feel like I was making things up. I still want a relationship with both of them, I am already distanced from them physically (dad lives in BC, sister in MB, I am in ON), but now I know 100% confirmed they don’t have my back. Good thing I have others in my life who do. I just need to move forward knowing that both of them are narcissists and treat them accordingly.
All of them, minus myself. The scary thing is that they have acted like they loved me, when they really hated me my entire life. Kudos to those of us who understand🤗
The side of my sperm donor mostly is, people I interacted with most of my life. He has 4 siblings. His sister is a narcissist, and it was very known you never accepted her help because she would come back to demand you to pay her back or guilttrip you. His brother I grew up around was actually pretty great, at least to me. We would visit him a lot more frequently when I was younger. Before I left, he had just beat colon cancer and even then was still amazing and so supportive (I was struggling with what was labeled as Crohn's Disease and he showed so much compassion for me) Brother 1 I only met later came to visit a couple times. All he knew about me was that I played piano and liked older music, so he got me this nice little book about pianos and classical music for my birthday. He also brought his guitar on one visit and we played Beatles songs. From all I heard, he was a pretty bad spouse and father though, but started realizing he was fucking up after his divorce (to be fair, that entire family is traumatized to hell and back) Brother 2 I met later was a devout Christian and from all I heard also not a great parent. Only ever met that guy once and he was kinda weird, but didn't treat me bad. Just...off. Grandma on that side was a hoarder and devout Christian who kept trying to convert my sperm donor, which led to him going no contact for a while. When she came to visit, no one really wanted her to stay at their place a lot of the time. She cared for us grandkids, I only met her once a year at best, and not until I was in elementary school, so I never actually felt much towards her. Grandpa on that side (they are divorced) must be one of the smartest people I have ever met. Also a Nazi, but that man is nearing 100 and never actually brought his political ideologies up. Only in the recent year that I saw him start to struggle with Dementia. From all I know, he was a pretty abusive parent, but not more so than most parents that generation were, not that it excuses anything. I only saw him once or twice a year but grew up writing him letters and with him around sometimes. I admired him for his brains and the stories he told, he was still very fit at 80 and 90, taking daily walks and didn't start deteriorating until they fucked his hip replacement up. He sent me his entire Reader Digest collection once because I had shown interest in one of the books on a visit. ------- On my spawnpoint's side, my uncle is actually one of my favorite family members. Total oddball. Lived with us for a while, crazy talented with programming and music (instruments and singing), rather bikes to work for an hour in the middle of winter than getting his license back, married a woman with 4 kids and now has 6 and counting. We used to stay up for nights and do though experiments about zombie apocalypses and vampires. He actually showed me Interview with a Vampire and lived across the playground from my ex best friends house once, so we'd go to visit him every time I was here and he would put movies on a USB drive for us. He also totally turned his life around and went back to school to become a carer for disabled people. I know I have an aunt on that side but no one talks about her bc she is my grandma's kid and she gave her away. I saw her once when I was like 7 and then we had planned to go shopping in a big city with her, but that never happened. Her coming to visit almost caused a falling out between my spawnpoint and grandma. She is apparently severely mentally ill, too. Something super looked down upon in that family. Grandma dropped out of school before 8th grade, was raised to be stupid and I only later found out she was apparently Russian (cue identity crisis). She ran away at 15 to be with my (then 25 years old) grandpa. Never had an opinion on her own, but she was insanely loving towards us, would do everything to make me and my little brother happy. We stayed many nights at their place because they loved to have us over. I very late learned that she used to be an alcoholic and had a tendency to storm out of places and slam door until I was a toddler. Learned that after she walked out of a BBQ because she couldn't hold my baby cousin all the time. She WALKED OVER TWO HOURS because she couldn't hold a baby that wasn't hers... then people actually told me. Grandpa was a very proud straight up Nazi, but unless you brought up political views with him he'd keep it kinda low and just make comments here and there and had pride in voting for the Nazi Party. Just like Grandma, he loved having us over and would do everything for us. They had a whole bank account with thousands for me and my brother to share once we each were 16 (it went into a driver's license I never got since I am unable to drive for several reasons but was forced to try and get by my abusers. 5k down the drain). Sometimes I questioned if my grandparents actually loved each other, but maybe that's just the way they were, making jabs at each other. They had also been through hell and back with the separation of Germany and having been political criminals in the DDR and incarcerated for a while, then fleeing etc. ----- My sister is a sweetheart and if it was safe for me to keep my contact with her, I would, I want to more than anything. During my many hospital stays towards me turning 18, she was always there because she lived so close to the hospital and we grew very close. She'd stay with me when I was home alone for a weekend and we'd talk and vent about the abuse we experience(d). I really hope she understands that I left. My older brother is awful. He has tried to strangle me the day after my birthday in front of my two closest friends because I told him not to be a bitch to them. My abusers just sat and watched. He apparently used to love taking care of me when I was a baby, but once I developed a personality of my own, he started resenting me and has outright said so. My little brother has been beaten into absolute submission and went from a sweet, sensitive boy who would regularly tell me he hated gender, wanted to wear dresses, painted his nails on school holidays and wouldn't let anyone touch his hair to this bigotry spewing, short haired almost teen boy that has no consequences for his actions besides being abused for showing emotions. When I left, he regularly had panic attacks, it was noted he had inappropriate reactions to things, no one could sleep at our place because he feared even his friends would kill him in his sleep etc etc. He once asked to put on one of my dresses and I told him not to show our abusers, he still did and we got yelled at, told "he does not get to decide about his body, he is 7! I control his body!". Or when I dressed him up for costume festivals, I got in trouble because I forced it on him. When he expressed explicitly that he hated his body because it was a male body, they bullied him about it so much he just stopped. I miss him. I hope he is okay.
Majority of people I’ve been associated with whether of be family or friends have been toxic one way or the other, i’ve became quite toxic myself. But these experiences have taught me not to really care about anyone other than myself, i’ve ghosted and erased friends who smile to your face but stab you in the back. As far as family our concerned I keep at arms length, certain members. At events i keep the peace and don’t stay too long, but that only happens a few times per year. I find now O prefer do my own thing and actually enjoy not being around people, it’s quite peaceful now. Aplogies of this has came across as quite self absorbed, but distancing yourself and living your own life without drama will be give you some peace of mind. Keep moving forward and don’t let the toxic behaviour dictate your life. Hopefully that helps
Nah, a lot of them are very confused though. The ones who went LC/NC have been able to find really good replacement families, which I’m really glad about.
Yup. Every. Single. One.
The family culture my husband grew up in is toxic, yes. (I'm in this sub because my FIL and the man's wife are narcissists.) Apparently the whole lot of FIL's generation are toxic, with the exception of a very few. A certain Aunt and uncle had escaped the toxicity, and only interact with the main group when they have to.
I'd say so. I don't speak to my biological father or his side of the family since they all collectively decided to disown me (at 7 years old, btw) except for my grandfather, but unfortunately he passed away a few months ago. from what I heard both my father and his brother didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral, and even tried convincing my grandfather's wife not to inform me of his passing because, and I quote, "she would probably be happy that he's dead." that confirmed to me that I should never attempt to contact them again as they seem to hold no regret in disowning a 7 year old child and then making her the villain years later. mom's side has a healthier dynamic but still considerable flaws. my grandparents know next to nothing about me yet complain that I rarely ever visit, despite never making the effort themselves. they also have a big favoritism towards my disabled cousin, and whenever I do see them all they talk about is him. it's a bit disheartening.
Yes my NM and siblings are all toxic and abusive. I had a normal father who loved me but he died when I was a teenager and left me all alone with monsters.
My family is huge. 40 members all in all. They are either narcissists or severely anxious/ depressed. Sexual abuse, beatings or (in my case) "only" verbal/ emotional abuse around me. I am the only one who dared to call them out. The only one who left. I'm persona non grata for lifetime.