Honestly I commend you for actually going out and doing things; maybe replace some activities with ones that made you happier when you were 20. If you’re cool to randomly join a spin class, you’re definitely cool to randomly go wherever.
Yes, this. It’s cliche to say but age really is nothing but a number for a long time, until you are like visibly very old. Just be fun and don’t be the visibly oldest person in the room. It’s simple.
I suggest picking up a nighttime shift driving a cab, hanging out at porno flicks and with hookers, purchasing lots of firearms, doing pullups in your cramped urban apartment, and changing your hairstyle, possibly a Mohawk. Also, get involved in political organizing, maybe volunteer to be a campaign worker or something.
You're on the right track. Keep doing activities like the pickup basketball and going out to the bar. Maybe see if you can find an actual league for the former and try finding nights where bars have trivia or some other weekly event for the latter. You're in your post college life so don't be too picky about making friends who are a few years older than you.
I recently saw a friend I knew at university who did this, but that was like 12 years ago
He's basically still doing the same
He's one of those people who will talk at length about his high school intellectual achievements
I thought he was a twat anyway
What do you mean by few years older? 25? 27? Sure
I somehow always end up around people in their 30s and 40s with families and mortgages.
I know someone will tell me it's not a big deal but be for real. The conversations with me and someone who's 35 won't be remotely similar to the ones I'll have with people who are 18-28
*>* I somehow always end up around people in their 30s and 40s with families and mortgages.
This isn't some unlikely phenomenon; that is just the real world. You're an adult now.
*>* The conversations with me and someone who's 35 won't be remotely similar to the ones I'll have with people who are 18-28
What conversations are you trying to have? Sure if all you want to discuss is how shit faced you got over the weekend, you'll have a hard time relating to someone in that age range.
I'm a 34 year old man with a 21 female roommate. We have lovely conversations all the time! The only difference is she goes out and parties more often than I do.
I'm 28 and one of my best friends is a 76 year old lady. I'm not related to her in any way, we just get along. She bakes me cakes and we drink tea and talk about life. She's super cool and has had a really interesting and adventurous life and has some great stories.
I'm also pretty close with an old motorbiker veteran dude in his late 60s who's old enough to be my dad. He's awesome and has an amazing sense of humour.
Don't dismiss friendships with older people - they are incredibly worthwhile and they have a lot of advice to offer, or even resources and connections to help you out if you need it. They will look out for you. They have a lifetime of experience and so often see things from a totally different perspective and can help you in so many ways. Also their friendship tends to be super steady and genuine, not dramatic and fickle like some younger friendships can be. It's the real deal and you should be open to it - older people were your age once and a lot of them still feel that way at heart.
Yes, you will talk about different things than you'd talk about with an 18 year old, but this is not a bad thing. You can have great, really deep and meaningful conversations that you would never be able to have with someone younger.
I personally feel really lucky to have these kind of relationships in my life - they're super special to me.
I did this 6 months ago: moved across the contury to the downtown of a small city a 5 hour flight away from anyone I know. Male. Here are my scattered thoughts on my experience.
I work 4 10s, wake up at 6, work 6:30am to 5pm. go to bed at like 11 pm. Fridays off.
Went to the bar alone like 6 times. Talked to a few people but it didn’t work out. Didn’t like how expensive it was.
Joined a mountaineering class. I’m going on an outdoor camping trip with them tomorrow! Hopefully will build some good summer friendships.
I’m really into rock climbing so 3 days a week min I’m at the bouldering gym. I socialize there a lot but it’s pretty transient except for one person I board climb with. We went on a day trip last week. I run into a lot of the mountaineering class there which increases community.
Went dancing at electronic music events. I taught myself how to dance well so this worked. The first time I was noticed at a specific venue, the second time there I was approached, because of my dancing skills. Now I go out with them sometimes. Way different vibe than mountaineering friends, better for meeting young people and dating.
Most nights I spend playing rainbow six with my old friends on discord. Hard to be lonely when they’re on every night. It is a retreat into safe territory for me, I still go out and try not to be there on weekends. No holding patterns.
Loneliness kicks in still, mainly when I see my friends on Instagram living their college lives or doing things together back home. I miss them, but I also know I am just the first to leave and soon a lot of them will go new places as well. When I talk to them they are jealous of my “cool life”, they tell me as much themselves! Just seems pretty normal to me.
I got one date off the apps and flirted with a few people, but have yet to meet someone I want that is single. I am too passive of a dater and am trying to be more forward and fix that. Nobody would want me if I was a shut in anyway so I need to build up my own life, I have a few prospects but I’m just sitting here doing nothing lol.
I meet a lot of late 20s to 40s, I am 22 and the youngest at both work and most social functions now. I have a W-2 career though so I think it’s because most people my age are doing wackier things than myself.
Maybe something here helps you out. Staying in the same place leads to stagnation, think of it as a challenge to overcome and beat.
I used Instagram reels to learn shuffling. A lot of concise videos there that tell you everything you need to know. I like “Banrijackin” and “zanouji”. They have YouTube’s as well. As you get better, combo tutorials are fun, that’s what I like right now. I did it all at half speed to start. I dance to house as well which has slower bpm. DJ Seinfeld and Barry Can’t Swim, basic but Fred Again has some good stuff.
Choose music you like, and one move you want. Headphones in and just try, even if it’s discouraging at first. Find a speed you can hit every beat properly, and slowly you will pick it up through muscle memory. I bought a mirror at goodwill so I could see my footwork, it sits in my living room on the floor. Right where I can always see it.
Like anything it’s about consistency. As you gain the muscle memory of moves you practice, the focus you require to do them will lessen and you will be able to apply your mental load to other things. This includes faster speeds, arm movements, and combinations with other moves you memorize.
For EDM/techno shuffling learn the Melbourne step and the T step first, the Charleston second. If you have edm events around, find techno and house stuff, go to that and just try it out. it gives me a place to “show off” what I’ve been practicing, like a sports meet or whatever. Even if you think you are bad, most people are so ignorant that they will think you’re really good as long as you’re on beat, even at half speed!
It’s also a confidence thing, if you’re out there dancing and having fun you are noticed and you project better socially. If nothing is going on, you’re listening to good music and expressing yourself so it’s still fun! Gl fam!
This has blown my mind. I love those artists you mentioned! I had no idea there was proper dancing to be done to them. I thought people just rocked around a bit!
do you ever pass a town on the highway or see a photo of somewhere particularly ugly and poor and unfortunate and think "god, why would anyone live there?" this is why.
i come from a town that's quite hard to love, but i also never plan on leaving for good, for precisely this reason. i got my bachelor's abroad and came right back. i'm away again to get my master's but i come right back whenever i have a few consecutive days off.
i simply can't bear to be away from my parents, my sister, my aunts and uncles and cousins, the few dear friends whom i trust with every detail of my life, the neighbors who looked after me when i was small.
one of the few authentic things in modern life that cannot be purchased and cannot be exchanged is your relationship to your community. even if it's passive and quiet, there will only ever be one, maybe two places where you are known and trusted, where your face is familiar, where you can knock on the door of a random house and know that you already have a connection with the person who lives inside.
humans are social creatures. we are not meant to live on the outside of other people's tribes, we're meant to live in the embrace of our own. even outside of economic inability to move (and that is plenty), that human need is enough to keep people in the most miserable-seeming places
You don’t mention your salary, but your hours are pretty normal and you’re sleeping 9.5 hours a night.
The problem is that you’re lonely, not your job.
> The problem is that you’re lonely, not your job.
Exactly, *'money really can't buy you happiness, I was happier as a broke 20 year old!'*
Yeah and I was happier when I was 7 years old, idiot. You were happier because you were in college. The money isn't the issue.
did not say i'm disturbed, nor offended. i just don't think you should call someone an idiot and give a totally dismissive opinion if they're putting themselves out there asking for advice (unless it's a disingenuous request, manipulative in intent, idk probably other situations too). and it's all over this thread, people using classic redditor language calling the OP an idiot or moron. for what? mostly it's cringe, like that language has such a thin veil. if you need to beat other people down like that unprovoked, when they did nothing to you, or nothing to anyone, you are spiritually bankrupt imo
Get serious about studies and work lmao. We always want what we didn't have ig, at 23 i was doing the opposite of OP and though i enjoyed it short term, something tells me OP will have it better than me long term.
I go to bars alone whenever I’m in a new city, which is quite often. Literally just talk to people, the alcohol helps. And as for the girls you approached, where did you approach them? Maybe location matters - but where I live in Europe I’ve never had issues talking to people and making friends in bars. If you’re from a different place and have a story to tell, you’re already interesting
I assume OP is just approaching these woman at random in public which, for better or worse, is a thing of the past it seems.
Making friends in bars should be easy though.
I love going to bars alone.
I was traveling recently and met the bar owner and recent former mayor of the city I was in and ended up talking for hours.
I just got back this minute from the bar where I met a cute violin teacher and an older british guy I run into sometimes who told me a story about him taking psychedelics for the first time over covid in Mexico, calling the British embassy for help, and having the embassy and local police help him pack up his shit from one place to get a hotel while freaking out just for shits and giggles. Where else am I going to get that kind of entertainment?
"I'm approaching women in public and it doesn't work" yeah no shit dude you have to build up a rapport first.
I don't think it's talked about much but a lot of 'cold approaches' aren't actually cold, they're "hey I've seen you around here what's your name". Or they're based on bar conversations. Not just "hey I saw you from across the bread aisle can I suck your toes".
Some guys just got it some guys dont. I started working in the same city I went to college in, but made friends with people that moved here not knowing anyone at bars and networking events. They literally are just extroverted and easy to hang out with.
They have a healthcare system that incentivises healthy young middle class people to get a lot of unnecessary testing. They're always like "at my last physical,". What a waste of time. Country of pussy hypochondriacs
Random testosterone testing in healthy young men isn't normal. You gotta pay out of pocket or make yourself a nuisance to your doctor for that. I would be surprised if it's an American thing specifically. More like an internet lifting guy thing.
My last primary care doc asked me unprompted if I wanted to get tested, and continued to test it—and ask me if I wanted to start TRT, to the point of pressuring me—every time I went in for a physical. This despite my levels being well within normal range each time. He said my insurance would cover it (granted I had baller insurance at the time). He was shady as hell though and he must have had some kind of deal going with someone.
There’s a whole marketing machine around TRT for men who don’t “need” it, as a cure for pretty much anything that might ail a man. I think that marketing (to docs as well as patients) is very much unique to American healthcare.
I was curious but that shit spooks me, sure it sounds good to get ripped and happy and motivated but browsing TRT related forums here it seems like you could just as easily end up bald, bloated and infertile, and have to keep taking it for the rest of your life because your body can’t produce its own t anymore.
If you get your bloodwork done regularly, you catch problems early. It's really that simple, regular testing is better for your health. There are some diminishing returns, but it's definitely a marked improvement
Testosterone isn't just a stat. As a man it dictates your life.
[https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15603-low-testosterone-male-hypogonadism](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15603-low-testosterone-male-hypogonadism)
Everyone in this thread is the kind of person you’d avoid in real life lol - if I met someone in their early twenties who primarily hung out with people in their late 30s/early 40s I’d think there was something ‘special’ about them or that they had been socially ostracised lol.
What I’m picking up (not trying to be mean, just being honest) is that you’re not making much effort to appear interesting - your life is routine, your hobbies promote introversion and someone looking at you from an external position is going to interpret that as ‘boring’. This isn’t a bad thing in itself (you seem comfortable dealing with adversity, for one) but you can see how you’re not going to attract people.
It’s gay but you need to do some kind of activity people your age do - have you checked out more organised sports leagues? Can you suck it up and rock climb? Are you interested in hunting, fishing, camping, anything outdoorsy?
The best way to make friends is to force making a single friend (don’t be too weird but you do need to be active in asking to hang out, being interested in what they do, asking to join them on things) and then using that relationship to slowly ingratiate yourself into a group, and then do the same thing with other members of that group and their adjacent groups until you end up with a core group of friends you can shoot the shit with anytime as well as a network of acquaintances that you enjoy spending time with.
THANK YOU
I feel like I'm getting gaslit right now. People really trying to tell me I'm immature for prefering people my age as opposed to 40 year old???
contrarianism is part of rspod yeah but the flavour in this thread is so different. like the language is really, i would say Reddity but what's a better way to put it, like bloodthirsty, people calling OP an idiot or other hurtful things, it's just really cringe
idk if it were reeeaaally bad mfs would b kiwifarming the lolcows
i like to think of this place as a beautiful pasture where lolcows can graze and post in peace
I also moved to Raleigh knowing like one person beforehand, but I’ve had a bit of a different experience. It is extremely lonely moving somewhere by yourself to start no question.
What worked for me was meeting people through dating apps (just to meet people; hinge is a little better for Raleigh) and joining a club/community to frequently attend. I’m not a runner but the run community is crazy open to new people.
Anyway, sounds like you’re already taking the steps necessary.
Look into Durham too. I ended up moving here because it’s the more community focused of the two. R/raleigh will post meet ups since so many new people are moving to the area.
lol, that explains a lot
I'm currently 36 and have been in Ann Arbor since college. It isn't any better staying, trust me. This is a transient town and I've had waves of friends groups every few years.
The 8 ball used to be my home base for many years where I knew everyone. Now it is mostly another college bar. I need to get out.
Ah. Rough man. Well hey, I know a lot of people who grew up in Raleigh, moved away, and moved back. If you give it a fair shake for a year or two and don’t like it then there’s no shame in moving home.
> I spend about 30 minutes before bed scrolling through the socials of my friends who are a couple years younger than me and live hours away in envy
stop doing this. try to only use screens as tools for work/productivity
His issue isn’t screen time, it’s loneliness. He could be spending twice as much time before bed scrolling and he’d still be happier than he is now if he was doing so after getting home from a group activity with people who accept him. He just needs a social hobby to act as an avenue for meeting people (start a band, take a studio art class, join a church, etc).
You’re living the cush city life that the majority of humanity isn’t biologically wired to actually be happy with. You need to find a major suck factor hobby/ pursuit/ life goal. Do some shit that is hard and fucking sucks, that’s literally the only way to make real life long friends as a guy and I’ll die on that fucking hill. And to no surprise it will sky rocket your testosterone.
23 is a horrible age. That post grad lull of life is hard to accept/go thru. Things will get better. Stop creeping on the 18-21 year olds - that isn't helping lol. It sounds gay but you have to mourn that part of your life being over. Things will get better - but also no one wants to be around a 30 year old guy stuck in the glory days of being social chair at Sig Ep. Schedule a trip back for homecoming with some buddies.
You need to find community. It will take time, but find a few groups that do actives that you enjoy. I'm 10 years older than you but I have a full schedule socially. A buddy from my improv group and I went to see a movie last night. I went to bar trivia with come people from a professional org I got involved with this year on Tuesday, and we made plans to go out tomorrow, pregame at my house. I'm hosting easter at my house with my best friends on Sunday. Join a sports team/adult league. Take some kind of class. Try to always say yes to invites when asked, and invite people to do things yourself (you're not the only guys in this situation) Keep showing up to stuff. Once you have a repor with people, suggest dinner/drinks/coffee/concert/movie etc. Keep trying; people will say no (remember we are all busy adults now) One thing that you'll have to get used to now that you're a real adult is having friends of different ages. I remember being 23 and making my first 40 year old friend from a Spanish conversation meetup group; it was so novel at the time lol. Now that I'm in my early thirties, my friends are all the way from your age and up to mid forties, and even some cool fifty somethings. We're so used to only being friends with 'our grade level' or just above/below from birth til 22, but in the real world that changes.
One point of order: Those casual hangs from college that are so great, don't really happen as an adult just fyi. People are too busy, and you really have to plan to hang out. Exception to this is neighbors - be cool to your neighbors and it's more likely to encourage chance hangs. You have to put in the work to be social as an adult.
Your fine. I think you’re advanced or more matured. I’m 38 and have been somewhat mentoring with a guy in his late 20’s. He is at my level career-wise, but he is struggling with relationship based stuff. Everything we talk about he almost knows the answer already but my guidance seems to reinforce him and empower his decision making.
My advice is; you’re doing great. You might not have the support system around you, but you will in a short amount of time. People value you and will continue to do so.
You took risk moving to a bigger city and it will pay off. You just need some time to make an impact. As a young man, even one year can seem so daunting; the reality is that in one year you will progress in what some do in 5.
Slow down and enjoy the journey. You are going to get the payoff.
Also dont monitor your testosterone levels. Friendly advice.
I'm going to give you your best piece of advice yet: don't listen to life advice on reddit, even if the denizens of this sub seem slightly more normal than the rest of this site don't forget they're still redditors. Talking it out and having people hear you certainly helps but don't take anything you're reading here seriously
I remember distinctly at 20 thinking anyone with a full time adult job trying to chat us up was weird as hell, idk. You're in different life phases now, your lifestyle is more compatible with people who are 26 than people who are 20.
It kinda is, but only because going out is more tiring when you’re older. You have the most in common with people around ur age that work full time. Specific age doesn’t really matter.
It’s not creepy to want that. But a 20 year old in college and you at 23 living the post grad life are living vastly different lifestyles than you and a 26 year old (let’s go 3 years either way). I’m not saying only hanging out with 33 year olds and talking about your 401k is the move, just to be open to hanging out with more “post grad” people. Life is just different from undergrad to working life.
I don't see how that matters. You can still be friends with people with different lifestyles
A 40 year old has a family and all that. That's a very different lifestyle yet you'd recommend I be friends with them and not someone just 2-4 years younger?
23 is a horrible age for WHO? lmao you should be surrounded by community at 23. if you are living the post-grad life and you’re alone, then you made no friends in college. that isn’t normal. moving to a city like raleigh, alone, i can understand that. but there’s something else going on here. could be physical but he’s probably just off-putting and sad
You need to avoid a lot of stuff people suggest like kickball leagues or whatever because you'll just meet other people who have no friends. The most important thing though is not giving off the vibe that you want to meet people, it subconsciously puts people off. Act like you have a lot going on and bring stuff the table and people will decide you're a person they want to be around.
Outcome independence.
The only to way to live in the moment or appreciate each moment is to forget about the possible outcomes.
It's way easier said than done, but it's the only thing that has ever worked for me.
Never forget, almost anything is better use of your time than wondering what could have been.
Also you're on the right track, there are so many people who want to play those pickup basketball games but lack the nerves to even ask. Same with approaching women
Going to bars by yourself can rule. I’ve ended up making some great friends. Point is, you can do it dude. Go to a bar, have a few drinks, try to talk to whoever sits near you. Make some kinda funny observation. Make small talk with one person if there’s a big group, like when someone goes to buy drinks. So many times I’d sit at the bar and when someone walked up to order I’d comment on their drink or their clothes or something. It’s way easier with dudes, just make a joke or comment on what’s on the tv or something. Doing this I got invited into their group probably 75% of the time. This is more situational but if the bar has darts or pool or whatever, jump in.
It’s rough. But in a year you won’t be alone in a new city, you’ll be hanging with your friend(s) in your city. If drinking isn’t your thing, check out meetup.com or facebook groups or something for local events and just show up to stuff, then do what I said above. Dont sulk or like stare at people but just comment on common things, just get them to acknowledge you exist in the same space as them
I think youre doing good man. One thing that helped me a lot is stick yourself onto a music scene. Find out where the local shows happen for a handful of blended genres and just start showing up and talking to people. Becoming part of a music scene, even as a nonmusician, lets you meet a lot of people.
are you looking for advice or just to vent ? if you want advice here it is:
decide now what the end point of this will be and stick to it. so many people in your situation decide to move home, or pursue something other than money, and then the appeal of a new promotion keeps them around. before you know it, you’re forty and wondering why you never bothered to live a life you were proud of. what do you need to accomplish or what milestone do you need to reach in order to be able to say ‘well I gave it a good go, and im proud of what I achieved, but now it’s time to try something different’. the other benefit of this, you won’t look back on this time with bitterness.
sounds like post grad blues, you'll either push through or not but you should absolutely continue to keep detailed statistical evidence that your life has gotten worse, that will definitely help
You’re talking to thirty year olds because they’ve been in your shoes for much longer compared to the 21 year olds who are still tight with their college homies, and just like Tony Soprano’s crew, their books are closed.
If you experience large unexplainable shifts in how your body is working, you should always seek medical attention. You mentioned a doctor, so going forward I'll assume you've done the appropriate medical followup, but just in case you haven't make sure you talk to a doctor if you have concerns about shifts in body chemistry.
Beyond that, it sounds like you need to find a peer group to integrate into. You are not unlovable, despite any issues you may have, and you would be less aware of other people's social circles if you were involved in your own. This is clearly something you've thought of, you clearly want more human connection. So the question becomes; what do you think is stopping you?
Man I relate to this and I’m 39. Often just feels like there is no purpose to the grind. We all make sacrifices for a paycheck. Part of growing up though is realizing you can never go back. You can’t be 20 for the rest of your life. Believe me, if you try it will reek of desperation. You’ll never recapture the feeling of being in college and feeling both like your limitless potential and like your life hasn’t even started yet. Now the rubber hits the road. You gotta make friends out there. You gotta learn to adapt. You’re going the right direction.
I recently moved to a new city and it’s hard, I commend you for pushing yourself so much! I’m wondering though, you could join meet up groups for people nee to the city? They do exist.
It's a tough age. But you seem to have a decent job, you're living in a new city, and are putting yourself out there and trying new things. You're far ahead of many people your age, probably most.
Things get better, I always had good jobs but still felt like I was drifting around until I was around 27, when things started to firm up for me. Then everything got way better at a much faster rate when I was around 31. In my mid-30s now and life hasn't been better.
For now just keep doing what you're doing and enjoy being young and in a big city.
Should be way higher than 664 if you were 20 at the time and 432 is even worse. Something isn't right.
You should also switch to a male doctor about testosterone issues.
You sound a bit stiff bro, worrying about all this shit at 23, im projecting a bit but I think you need to loosen up. Hang out with the 35 year olds while you look for people your age. If you go out enough you're almost positively likely to meet some people your age. Are you in a big city? Go downtown more. Are any of your 35 year old acquaintances single? Go out with them.
When I was your age I used to go out with my manager from work who was mid 30s, I actually found myself relating to him a lot more than I thought I would and he gave me some pretty good insight into life.
You're in a new city, and you sound lonely as shit, which is extremely common for people in a similar position. Just hang out with whoever will give you the time now and get out there.
I could have written this post lol, but it seems like it's hard for everyone who moves right after university. My company will let me relocate in a few months, I'm debating going back to my hometown or maybe trying my luck in a city with a larger population of young transplants.
I was you, maybe slightly less lame. I was a recent college grad, making good money in a city where I didn't know anyone. I would look forward to Mondays because at least I'd be around people. I did that for about a year and a half before quitting and moving across the country to live with two of my closest college friends and start a new job I was more interested in, even though it involved a paycut. Best decision I ever made.
I've moved to new cities a few times, it's always lonely for longer than you think it will be. Takes a while to hit your stride socially, and you need to put yourself out there repeatedly. It'll get better, it's still a new situation as far as moves go
>stakeholders
Well there’s your problem pal.
Watch Schrader films and get some goddamn pussy. You are the American dream incarnate. Be your own god ya fuck
Why not look for a new job back home with your friends, family, and people you know?
Humans need community! Unless you’re in like a super-specialized field I’m sure you can find something!
Why did your T drop so much? You are sleeping enough. Are you eating a good diet rich in animal fats and protein? It probably declined because you are constantly stressing about being lonely. Stop looking at what people are doing on Instagram. You have hobbies and social interaction in them. What’s stopping you from hanging out with the people you meet there, shame? Hang out with some 30-50 year old dudes. Start supplementing vitamin D and Ashwaganda to control your stress levels.
I don’t know where you are, but even though you’re skeptical about dating apps, I’d recommend trying out Bumble BFF. I’ve moved a lot in my life due to work and education and have made beautiful friendships through Bumble BFF! I’ve seen it work also for my male friends. Once you’ve got a friends, it’s also easier to meet potential romantic interests :)
I'm in a very similar position. I was not very happy in my home country and I moved to a western one a couple of years ago. This just made me realize how much more miserable it can actually get. I speak the language well enough to work, but you really have to speak it fluently in order to make friends and date, and learning a language to full fluency is fucking difficult, especially when I'm this depressed and working most of the day. Plus I always feel like an outsider. I'll stay here for a while, but I think I'll go back home, even if it means worse job opportunities and dying from lack of healthcare if I get a serious illness. It's so depressing to travel back home and hang out with my friends and see all the beautiful girls, knowing that I'm selling off my best years for nothing.
What city are you in?
Also you’re 23 - still SO young. You sound like you’re just a bit depressed which is relatively normal. It’s funny to see you nostalgically looking back on 20 - I’m nearly 33 and I don’t wish I was your age again I would enjoy it for a bit.
It’s really hard when you have zero people to hang out with. What about people from work? Or you should try more sports/clubs.
Given you've maintained this for as long as you have you definitely have the grit to find yourself a better way. Try others' suggestions here, you got this.
You didn’t mention your living situation but Ive got to say, for as much of a gamble as it could be, living with roommates in your early 20s can be a big boon for your social life.
> haven't talked to anyone apart from coworkers in three weeks
Not playing nearly enough basketball
> I joined a spin class
You sit on your ass at work, then go sit on a bike seat which is known to be hard on male reproductive organs. Maybe that’s the source of your lower t. Plus the futility of stationary biking, god it must kill the soul of a healthy adult. If you’re able to it’d be brilliant to bike to work instead.
Why do all these posts never have details of like what city you came from or currently live in? I moved to DC like 4 years ago at 32 years old and if I wanted to meet friends I just used Tinder to go on first dates and then try and find girls who had a good friend group, not necessarily to find a girlfriend.
I also chose roommates based on their friend group, and also went to nightclubs solo to listen to techno/trance and if you just vibe to music, smoke cigarettes m people will talk to you.
If I was in a spin class and saw a single guy around my age at 22 I’d immediately see him as a potential crush / partner but maybe that is just me as a young woman
What city is this? I moved to a new city about a year ago and finally got to the point where I have different groups of people around different activities. Takes longer than ideal but I didn't let myself get defeated by social events that were busts.
You should consider going to events, like open mics, openings etc. kgb, Pete’s, get concerts tickets for bands u like maybe. Connect with ppl there. Maybe even try going to some kind of support group there are a billion on psychology today and some of them look pretty cool
This sounds exactly like me. I think I’m gonna call it quits and move home. I’ve made money, moved up to the dream apartment, dated a lot. All well and good, but life is empty without true friends and family. I go through the motions of a cushy life, but frankly it’s boring and stagnating.
I just moved to Sweden, I don’t speak Swedish. I started volunteering at volunteer-run projects like urban farms and music venues. Also went alone to a pub quiz and joined a random team. Met heaps of cool people this way, both locals and other expats/immigrants, even found some work, and I still don’t speak a word of Swedish.
There is definitely a loneliness epidemic in the USA…ever since moving to Latin America I realized people are more welcoming here and there’s always something going on around everywhere you go; people make time for both work and play
Going through what? Having homies in their 30s-50s to hoop and chill with? Beggars can’t be choosers, bitch. Embrace your people. Fuck your friend’s wife’s divorced friend. Idk. What do you people want? I feel like everyone thinks they deserve to be Ross from Friends or some shit. No, you’re regular folk. Fucks with regular folk. Weirdo.
bro if you have been rejected 22/22 times you’ve got problems bigger than your surroundings and unfortunately i cannot diagnose them unless you post a full body picture of yourself.
Hey there. 46. Recently started over in a brand new city myself after taking a new job at the end of a breakup. It’s… rough. I have done this before and the first year in a new city is always difficult and gets worse as you get older.
Hang in there and address your depression and health issues. At about the year mark you will start being a familiar face to people, you will start having regular haunts. It will get better.
what size city? also what prompted you to start monitoring your testosterone levels?
yea I've never felt the need to get tested
Honestly I commend you for actually going out and doing things; maybe replace some activities with ones that made you happier when you were 20. If you’re cool to randomly join a spin class, you’re definitely cool to randomly go wherever.
that's it, I'm doing methy coke again
Yes, this. It’s cliche to say but age really is nothing but a number for a long time, until you are like visibly very old. Just be fun and don’t be the visibly oldest person in the room. It’s simple.
I suggest picking up a nighttime shift driving a cab, hanging out at porno flicks and with hookers, purchasing lots of firearms, doing pullups in your cramped urban apartment, and changing your hairstyle, possibly a Mohawk. Also, get involved in political organizing, maybe volunteer to be a campaign worker or something.
He needs total organization. Every muscle must be tight.
he needs to get organizized
make sure you have a killer soundtrack to accompany your late night journeys
You're on the right track. Keep doing activities like the pickup basketball and going out to the bar. Maybe see if you can find an actual league for the former and try finding nights where bars have trivia or some other weekly event for the latter. You're in your post college life so don't be too picky about making friends who are a few years older than you.
Fr I'm 29 and one of my best friends is a 50~ year old Ukrainian woman
Have you posted this comment before because I just got hit with Deja vu
Yes actually hah
nah fuck all this hobbies and meeting people shit. pick up the three g's: gaming, gooning, and ganja 😎👍
I recently saw a friend I knew at university who did this, but that was like 12 years ago He's basically still doing the same He's one of those people who will talk at length about his high school intellectual achievements I thought he was a twat anyway
What do you mean by few years older? 25? 27? Sure I somehow always end up around people in their 30s and 40s with families and mortgages. I know someone will tell me it's not a big deal but be for real. The conversations with me and someone who's 35 won't be remotely similar to the ones I'll have with people who are 18-28
*>* I somehow always end up around people in their 30s and 40s with families and mortgages. This isn't some unlikely phenomenon; that is just the real world. You're an adult now. *>* The conversations with me and someone who's 35 won't be remotely similar to the ones I'll have with people who are 18-28 What conversations are you trying to have? Sure if all you want to discuss is how shit faced you got over the weekend, you'll have a hard time relating to someone in that age range.
I’m 35 with a family and I can still talk to the youths about getting shit faced, let me tell ya
Yeah I’m 32 and still get shit faced on the weekend - I could probably drink these little shitbags under the table as well.
I'm a 34 year old man with a 21 female roommate. We have lovely conversations all the time! The only difference is she goes out and parties more often than I do.
I'm 28 and one of my best friends is a 76 year old lady. I'm not related to her in any way, we just get along. She bakes me cakes and we drink tea and talk about life. She's super cool and has had a really interesting and adventurous life and has some great stories. I'm also pretty close with an old motorbiker veteran dude in his late 60s who's old enough to be my dad. He's awesome and has an amazing sense of humour. Don't dismiss friendships with older people - they are incredibly worthwhile and they have a lot of advice to offer, or even resources and connections to help you out if you need it. They will look out for you. They have a lifetime of experience and so often see things from a totally different perspective and can help you in so many ways. Also their friendship tends to be super steady and genuine, not dramatic and fickle like some younger friendships can be. It's the real deal and you should be open to it - older people were your age once and a lot of them still feel that way at heart. Yes, you will talk about different things than you'd talk about with an 18 year old, but this is not a bad thing. You can have great, really deep and meaningful conversations that you would never be able to have with someone younger. I personally feel really lucky to have these kind of relationships in my life - they're super special to me.
I did this 6 months ago: moved across the contury to the downtown of a small city a 5 hour flight away from anyone I know. Male. Here are my scattered thoughts on my experience. I work 4 10s, wake up at 6, work 6:30am to 5pm. go to bed at like 11 pm. Fridays off. Went to the bar alone like 6 times. Talked to a few people but it didn’t work out. Didn’t like how expensive it was. Joined a mountaineering class. I’m going on an outdoor camping trip with them tomorrow! Hopefully will build some good summer friendships. I’m really into rock climbing so 3 days a week min I’m at the bouldering gym. I socialize there a lot but it’s pretty transient except for one person I board climb with. We went on a day trip last week. I run into a lot of the mountaineering class there which increases community. Went dancing at electronic music events. I taught myself how to dance well so this worked. The first time I was noticed at a specific venue, the second time there I was approached, because of my dancing skills. Now I go out with them sometimes. Way different vibe than mountaineering friends, better for meeting young people and dating. Most nights I spend playing rainbow six with my old friends on discord. Hard to be lonely when they’re on every night. It is a retreat into safe territory for me, I still go out and try not to be there on weekends. No holding patterns. Loneliness kicks in still, mainly when I see my friends on Instagram living their college lives or doing things together back home. I miss them, but I also know I am just the first to leave and soon a lot of them will go new places as well. When I talk to them they are jealous of my “cool life”, they tell me as much themselves! Just seems pretty normal to me. I got one date off the apps and flirted with a few people, but have yet to meet someone I want that is single. I am too passive of a dater and am trying to be more forward and fix that. Nobody would want me if I was a shut in anyway so I need to build up my own life, I have a few prospects but I’m just sitting here doing nothing lol. I meet a lot of late 20s to 40s, I am 22 and the youngest at both work and most social functions now. I have a W-2 career though so I think it’s because most people my age are doing wackier things than myself. Maybe something here helps you out. Staying in the same place leads to stagnation, think of it as a challenge to overcome and beat.
How do you teach yourself to dance. I never got it
I used Instagram reels to learn shuffling. A lot of concise videos there that tell you everything you need to know. I like “Banrijackin” and “zanouji”. They have YouTube’s as well. As you get better, combo tutorials are fun, that’s what I like right now. I did it all at half speed to start. I dance to house as well which has slower bpm. DJ Seinfeld and Barry Can’t Swim, basic but Fred Again has some good stuff. Choose music you like, and one move you want. Headphones in and just try, even if it’s discouraging at first. Find a speed you can hit every beat properly, and slowly you will pick it up through muscle memory. I bought a mirror at goodwill so I could see my footwork, it sits in my living room on the floor. Right where I can always see it. Like anything it’s about consistency. As you gain the muscle memory of moves you practice, the focus you require to do them will lessen and you will be able to apply your mental load to other things. This includes faster speeds, arm movements, and combinations with other moves you memorize. For EDM/techno shuffling learn the Melbourne step and the T step first, the Charleston second. If you have edm events around, find techno and house stuff, go to that and just try it out. it gives me a place to “show off” what I’ve been practicing, like a sports meet or whatever. Even if you think you are bad, most people are so ignorant that they will think you’re really good as long as you’re on beat, even at half speed! It’s also a confidence thing, if you’re out there dancing and having fun you are noticed and you project better socially. If nothing is going on, you’re listening to good music and expressing yourself so it’s still fun! Gl fam!
This has blown my mind. I love those artists you mentioned! I had no idea there was proper dancing to be done to them. I thought people just rocked around a bit!
If you can hear the four beats you can dance to it. One of the events I went to a month ago was a Barry can’t swim DJ set and it was fucking sick.
Thnx! I want to dance to Eli and fur
If you can hear the four beats easily you can dance to it, Eli and fur is good to try with
do you ever pass a town on the highway or see a photo of somewhere particularly ugly and poor and unfortunate and think "god, why would anyone live there?" this is why. i come from a town that's quite hard to love, but i also never plan on leaving for good, for precisely this reason. i got my bachelor's abroad and came right back. i'm away again to get my master's but i come right back whenever i have a few consecutive days off. i simply can't bear to be away from my parents, my sister, my aunts and uncles and cousins, the few dear friends whom i trust with every detail of my life, the neighbors who looked after me when i was small. one of the few authentic things in modern life that cannot be purchased and cannot be exchanged is your relationship to your community. even if it's passive and quiet, there will only ever be one, maybe two places where you are known and trusted, where your face is familiar, where you can knock on the door of a random house and know that you already have a connection with the person who lives inside. humans are social creatures. we are not meant to live on the outside of other people's tribes, we're meant to live in the embrace of our own. even outside of economic inability to move (and that is plenty), that human need is enough to keep people in the most miserable-seeming places
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Males leaving the community for pussy is like a thing consistent across multiple cultures in multiple animals tho lol.
well maybe he wants to "fuck", but the question he's asking concerns what kind of life he wants to lead. what will be birthed?
You don’t mention your salary, but your hours are pretty normal and you’re sleeping 9.5 hours a night. The problem is that you’re lonely, not your job.
When did he say it was his job?
> The problem is that you’re lonely, not your job. Exactly, *'money really can't buy you happiness, I was happier as a broke 20 year old!'* Yeah and I was happier when I was 7 years old, idiot. You were happier because you were in college. The money isn't the issue.
why would you call someone an idiot for having a different perspective? how much hate do you have in your heart?
how chronically yours must ache if you are genuinely disturbed by such an inoffensive word... in the red scare sub of all places.
did not say i'm disturbed, nor offended. i just don't think you should call someone an idiot and give a totally dismissive opinion if they're putting themselves out there asking for advice (unless it's a disingenuous request, manipulative in intent, idk probably other situations too). and it's all over this thread, people using classic redditor language calling the OP an idiot or moron. for what? mostly it's cringe, like that language has such a thin veil. if you need to beat other people down like that unprovoked, when they did nothing to you, or nothing to anyone, you are spiritually bankrupt imo
Welcome to adulthood, I’d give my left nut to be in your exact situation if it meant being 23 again with a good job
What would you do differently if you could be 23 again?
Get serious about studies and work lmao. We always want what we didn't have ig, at 23 i was doing the opposite of OP and though i enjoyed it short term, something tells me OP will have it better than me long term.
that’s literally how it will play out. teething pains
Why did you start testing your testosterone at age 20?
I go to bars alone whenever I’m in a new city, which is quite often. Literally just talk to people, the alcohol helps. And as for the girls you approached, where did you approach them? Maybe location matters - but where I live in Europe I’ve never had issues talking to people and making friends in bars. If you’re from a different place and have a story to tell, you’re already interesting
I assume OP is just approaching these woman at random in public which, for better or worse, is a thing of the past it seems. Making friends in bars should be easy though.
I love going to bars alone. I was traveling recently and met the bar owner and recent former mayor of the city I was in and ended up talking for hours. I just got back this minute from the bar where I met a cute violin teacher and an older british guy I run into sometimes who told me a story about him taking psychedelics for the first time over covid in Mexico, calling the British embassy for help, and having the embassy and local police help him pack up his shit from one place to get a hotel while freaking out just for shits and giggles. Where else am I going to get that kind of entertainment?
"I'm approaching women in public and it doesn't work" yeah no shit dude you have to build up a rapport first. I don't think it's talked about much but a lot of 'cold approaches' aren't actually cold, they're "hey I've seen you around here what's your name". Or they're based on bar conversations. Not just "hey I saw you from across the bread aisle can I suck your toes".
Some guys just got it some guys dont. I started working in the same city I went to college in, but made friends with people that moved here not knowing anyone at bars and networking events. They literally are just extroverted and easy to hang out with.
The answer to this is get a job at a coffee shop on the weekends and quit in 6 months when you’ve made like 20 friends
why americans so obsessed with their bio stats? like blood and testosterone? i dont know a single person who has ever measured their test
They have a healthcare system that incentivises healthy young middle class people to get a lot of unnecessary testing. They're always like "at my last physical,". What a waste of time. Country of pussy hypochondriacs
Random testosterone testing in healthy young men isn't normal. You gotta pay out of pocket or make yourself a nuisance to your doctor for that. I would be surprised if it's an American thing specifically. More like an internet lifting guy thing.
My last primary care doc asked me unprompted if I wanted to get tested, and continued to test it—and ask me if I wanted to start TRT, to the point of pressuring me—every time I went in for a physical. This despite my levels being well within normal range each time. He said my insurance would cover it (granted I had baller insurance at the time). He was shady as hell though and he must have had some kind of deal going with someone. There’s a whole marketing machine around TRT for men who don’t “need” it, as a cure for pretty much anything that might ail a man. I think that marketing (to docs as well as patients) is very much unique to American healthcare. I was curious but that shit spooks me, sure it sounds good to get ripped and happy and motivated but browsing TRT related forums here it seems like you could just as easily end up bald, bloated and infertile, and have to keep taking it for the rest of your life because your body can’t produce its own t anymore.
we're a technocracy now. everything is about metrics and data
If you get your bloodwork done regularly, you catch problems early. It's really that simple, regular testing is better for your health. There are some diminishing returns, but it's definitely a marked improvement
Testosterone isn't just a stat. As a man it dictates your life. [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15603-low-testosterone-male-hypogonadism](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15603-low-testosterone-male-hypogonadism)
Lmao no it doesn’t
Lol, of course course the type of person worried about their testosterone would be posting on rs complaining about their life
you're on the wrong sub, man: /r/JoeRogan
damn that's crazy
Are you really in a wheelchair?
waht
Everyone in this thread is the kind of person you’d avoid in real life lol - if I met someone in their early twenties who primarily hung out with people in their late 30s/early 40s I’d think there was something ‘special’ about them or that they had been socially ostracised lol. What I’m picking up (not trying to be mean, just being honest) is that you’re not making much effort to appear interesting - your life is routine, your hobbies promote introversion and someone looking at you from an external position is going to interpret that as ‘boring’. This isn’t a bad thing in itself (you seem comfortable dealing with adversity, for one) but you can see how you’re not going to attract people. It’s gay but you need to do some kind of activity people your age do - have you checked out more organised sports leagues? Can you suck it up and rock climb? Are you interested in hunting, fishing, camping, anything outdoorsy? The best way to make friends is to force making a single friend (don’t be too weird but you do need to be active in asking to hang out, being interested in what they do, asking to join them on things) and then using that relationship to slowly ingratiate yourself into a group, and then do the same thing with other members of that group and their adjacent groups until you end up with a core group of friends you can shoot the shit with anytime as well as a network of acquaintances that you enjoy spending time with.
Usually this place gives more normal advice but this thread is really weird
Super weird. a really frustrating read
It is just one guy getting unreasonably angry with OP, someone half their age.
but also getting massively upvoted? lol
THANK YOU I feel like I'm getting gaslit right now. People really trying to tell me I'm immature for prefering people my age as opposed to 40 year old???
Contrarianism is the lingua franca of this subreddit. In general the internet has become incredibly confrontational over the past few years.
contrarianism is part of rspod yeah but the flavour in this thread is so different. like the language is really, i would say Reddity but what's a better way to put it, like bloodthirsty, people calling OP an idiot or other hurtful things, it's just really cringe
idk if it were reeeaaally bad mfs would b kiwifarming the lolcows i like to think of this place as a beautiful pasture where lolcows can graze and post in peace
it's a beautiful picture. but in this instance the lolcows are licking my feet and farting and shitting and i'm disgusted
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Raleigh
oh shit I heard Raleigh sucks and that was my impression when I was there for like 36 hours once, sorry. Try Cleveland
I also moved to Raleigh knowing like one person beforehand, but I’ve had a bit of a different experience. It is extremely lonely moving somewhere by yourself to start no question. What worked for me was meeting people through dating apps (just to meet people; hinge is a little better for Raleigh) and joining a club/community to frequently attend. I’m not a runner but the run community is crazy open to new people. Anyway, sounds like you’re already taking the steps necessary. Look into Durham too. I ended up moving here because it’s the more community focused of the two. R/raleigh will post meet ups since so many new people are moving to the area.
I grew up there lol. Where are you from?
I'm from Ann Arbor, Michigan
lol, that explains a lot I'm currently 36 and have been in Ann Arbor since college. It isn't any better staying, trust me. This is a transient town and I've had waves of friends groups every few years. The 8 ball used to be my home base for many years where I knew everyone. Now it is mostly another college bar. I need to get out.
Ah. Rough man. Well hey, I know a lot of people who grew up in Raleigh, moved away, and moved back. If you give it a fair shake for a year or two and don’t like it then there’s no shame in moving home.
Please leave- we don’t need any more caliyorkers or Michiganders. Sounds like you’d be happier back in Michigan anyways.
> I spend about 30 minutes before bed scrolling through the socials of my friends who are a couple years younger than me and live hours away in envy stop doing this. try to only use screens as tools for work/productivity
His issue isn’t screen time, it’s loneliness. He could be spending twice as much time before bed scrolling and he’d still be happier than he is now if he was doing so after getting home from a group activity with people who accept him. He just needs a social hobby to act as an avenue for meeting people (start a band, take a studio art class, join a church, etc).
how's that going for you on Reddit
not well! although i use this place a lot for technical troubleshooting
Life is downstream from the internet.
unfortunate truth
bro you've gotta move to Des Moines
You are way too active to be posting here
You’re living the cush city life that the majority of humanity isn’t biologically wired to actually be happy with. You need to find a major suck factor hobby/ pursuit/ life goal. Do some shit that is hard and fucking sucks, that’s literally the only way to make real life long friends as a guy and I’ll die on that fucking hill. And to no surprise it will sky rocket your testosterone.
theres nothing i enjoy more than honest diary entries of men whom i know arent exaggerating for clout and are just as much of losers as me. keep it up
23 is a horrible age. That post grad lull of life is hard to accept/go thru. Things will get better. Stop creeping on the 18-21 year olds - that isn't helping lol. It sounds gay but you have to mourn that part of your life being over. Things will get better - but also no one wants to be around a 30 year old guy stuck in the glory days of being social chair at Sig Ep. Schedule a trip back for homecoming with some buddies. You need to find community. It will take time, but find a few groups that do actives that you enjoy. I'm 10 years older than you but I have a full schedule socially. A buddy from my improv group and I went to see a movie last night. I went to bar trivia with come people from a professional org I got involved with this year on Tuesday, and we made plans to go out tomorrow, pregame at my house. I'm hosting easter at my house with my best friends on Sunday. Join a sports team/adult league. Take some kind of class. Try to always say yes to invites when asked, and invite people to do things yourself (you're not the only guys in this situation) Keep showing up to stuff. Once you have a repor with people, suggest dinner/drinks/coffee/concert/movie etc. Keep trying; people will say no (remember we are all busy adults now) One thing that you'll have to get used to now that you're a real adult is having friends of different ages. I remember being 23 and making my first 40 year old friend from a Spanish conversation meetup group; it was so novel at the time lol. Now that I'm in my early thirties, my friends are all the way from your age and up to mid forties, and even some cool fifty somethings. We're so used to only being friends with 'our grade level' or just above/below from birth til 22, but in the real world that changes. One point of order: Those casual hangs from college that are so great, don't really happen as an adult just fyi. People are too busy, and you really have to plan to hang out. Exception to this is neighbors - be cool to your neighbors and it's more likely to encourage chance hangs. You have to put in the work to be social as an adult.
I'm not 30 I'm 23. Why would it be creepy for me to want to be friend with 20 year olds? I think I made a mistake asking this place for advice
Your fine. I think you’re advanced or more matured. I’m 38 and have been somewhat mentoring with a guy in his late 20’s. He is at my level career-wise, but he is struggling with relationship based stuff. Everything we talk about he almost knows the answer already but my guidance seems to reinforce him and empower his decision making. My advice is; you’re doing great. You might not have the support system around you, but you will in a short amount of time. People value you and will continue to do so. You took risk moving to a bigger city and it will pay off. You just need some time to make an impact. As a young man, even one year can seem so daunting; the reality is that in one year you will progress in what some do in 5. Slow down and enjoy the journey. You are going to get the payoff. Also dont monitor your testosterone levels. Friendly advice.
It’s not creepy, it’s more of an incompatibility of lifestyle. If you want college back start applying to grad schools.
Idk about me since I'm a loser but the average 23 y/o lifestyle is more compatible with 20 than 30+
I'm going to give you your best piece of advice yet: don't listen to life advice on reddit, even if the denizens of this sub seem slightly more normal than the rest of this site don't forget they're still redditors. Talking it out and having people hear you certainly helps but don't take anything you're reading here seriously
I remember distinctly at 20 thinking anyone with a full time adult job trying to chat us up was weird as hell, idk. You're in different life phases now, your lifestyle is more compatible with people who are 26 than people who are 20.
you are correct on 26>20 for sure, but 30 vs 20, OP is right
It kinda is, but only because going out is more tiring when you’re older. You have the most in common with people around ur age that work full time. Specific age doesn’t really matter.
Are you saying 23 year olds have more in common with 30 and 20? Cause 23 still goes out a lot from my experience. Just not me
It’s not creepy to want that. But a 20 year old in college and you at 23 living the post grad life are living vastly different lifestyles than you and a 26 year old (let’s go 3 years either way). I’m not saying only hanging out with 33 year olds and talking about your 401k is the move, just to be open to hanging out with more “post grad” people. Life is just different from undergrad to working life.
I don't see how that matters. You can still be friends with people with different lifestyles A 40 year old has a family and all that. That's a very different lifestyle yet you'd recommend I be friends with them and not someone just 2-4 years younger?
nobody likes u when you’re 23
23 is a horrible age for WHO? lmao you should be surrounded by community at 23. if you are living the post-grad life and you’re alone, then you made no friends in college. that isn’t normal. moving to a city like raleigh, alone, i can understand that. but there’s something else going on here. could be physical but he’s probably just off-putting and sad
Fix your diet
Go to the bar 🚬
You need to avoid a lot of stuff people suggest like kickball leagues or whatever because you'll just meet other people who have no friends. The most important thing though is not giving off the vibe that you want to meet people, it subconsciously puts people off. Act like you have a lot going on and bring stuff the table and people will decide you're a person they want to be around.
*You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan And the next five years trying to be with your friends again*
Outcome independence. The only to way to live in the moment or appreciate each moment is to forget about the possible outcomes. It's way easier said than done, but it's the only thing that has ever worked for me. Never forget, almost anything is better use of your time than wondering what could have been. Also you're on the right track, there are so many people who want to play those pickup basketball games but lack the nerves to even ask. Same with approaching women
Going to bars by yourself can rule. I’ve ended up making some great friends. Point is, you can do it dude. Go to a bar, have a few drinks, try to talk to whoever sits near you. Make some kinda funny observation. Make small talk with one person if there’s a big group, like when someone goes to buy drinks. So many times I’d sit at the bar and when someone walked up to order I’d comment on their drink or their clothes or something. It’s way easier with dudes, just make a joke or comment on what’s on the tv or something. Doing this I got invited into their group probably 75% of the time. This is more situational but if the bar has darts or pool or whatever, jump in. It’s rough. But in a year you won’t be alone in a new city, you’ll be hanging with your friend(s) in your city. If drinking isn’t your thing, check out meetup.com or facebook groups or something for local events and just show up to stuff, then do what I said above. Dont sulk or like stare at people but just comment on common things, just get them to acknowledge you exist in the same space as them
I think youre doing good man. One thing that helped me a lot is stick yourself onto a music scene. Find out where the local shows happen for a handful of blended genres and just start showing up and talking to people. Becoming part of a music scene, even as a nonmusician, lets you meet a lot of people.
are you looking for advice or just to vent ? if you want advice here it is: decide now what the end point of this will be and stick to it. so many people in your situation decide to move home, or pursue something other than money, and then the appeal of a new promotion keeps them around. before you know it, you’re forty and wondering why you never bothered to live a life you were proud of. what do you need to accomplish or what milestone do you need to reach in order to be able to say ‘well I gave it a good go, and im proud of what I achieved, but now it’s time to try something different’. the other benefit of this, you won’t look back on this time with bitterness.
wow it’s crazy how everybody here gives terrible advice
Tell me about it. I got chewed out because I explained why I want friends my age as opposed to 40 year olds
If you’re in a city, it’s fairly easy to set up Hinge dates
Get flatmates
sounds like post grad blues, you'll either push through or not but you should absolutely continue to keep detailed statistical evidence that your life has gotten worse, that will definitely help
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This reads kinda like Elliot Rodger’s diary
This is that krazam video
Loneliness is going to kill me wallahi
What the fuck is going on?
You’re talking to thirty year olds because they’ve been in your shoes for much longer compared to the 21 year olds who are still tight with their college homies, and just like Tony Soprano’s crew, their books are closed.
it seems like ur actively trying and haven't given up yet so you're already well ahead of half of those people. keep going something will bite
If you experience large unexplainable shifts in how your body is working, you should always seek medical attention. You mentioned a doctor, so going forward I'll assume you've done the appropriate medical followup, but just in case you haven't make sure you talk to a doctor if you have concerns about shifts in body chemistry. Beyond that, it sounds like you need to find a peer group to integrate into. You are not unlovable, despite any issues you may have, and you would be less aware of other people's social circles if you were involved in your own. This is clearly something you've thought of, you clearly want more human connection. So the question becomes; what do you think is stopping you?
Man I relate to this and I’m 39. Often just feels like there is no purpose to the grind. We all make sacrifices for a paycheck. Part of growing up though is realizing you can never go back. You can’t be 20 for the rest of your life. Believe me, if you try it will reek of desperation. You’ll never recapture the feeling of being in college and feeling both like your limitless potential and like your life hasn’t even started yet. Now the rubber hits the road. You gotta make friends out there. You gotta learn to adapt. You’re going the right direction.
I recently moved to a new city and it’s hard, I commend you for pushing yourself so much! I’m wondering though, you could join meet up groups for people nee to the city? They do exist.
Youre living too clean of a lifestyle and wondering why your life is boring. Maybe pop some molly
It's a tough age. But you seem to have a decent job, you're living in a new city, and are putting yourself out there and trying new things. You're far ahead of many people your age, probably most. Things get better, I always had good jobs but still felt like I was drifting around until I was around 27, when things started to firm up for me. Then everything got way better at a much faster rate when I was around 31. In my mid-30s now and life hasn't been better. For now just keep doing what you're doing and enjoy being young and in a big city.
Should be way higher than 664 if you were 20 at the time and 432 is even worse. Something isn't right. You should also switch to a male doctor about testosterone issues.
You sound a bit stiff bro, worrying about all this shit at 23, im projecting a bit but I think you need to loosen up. Hang out with the 35 year olds while you look for people your age. If you go out enough you're almost positively likely to meet some people your age. Are you in a big city? Go downtown more. Are any of your 35 year old acquaintances single? Go out with them. When I was your age I used to go out with my manager from work who was mid 30s, I actually found myself relating to him a lot more than I thought I would and he gave me some pretty good insight into life. You're in a new city, and you sound lonely as shit, which is extremely common for people in a similar position. Just hang out with whoever will give you the time now and get out there.
What city? It makes a difference.
Raleigh
Would you consider moving in the next year?
I could have written this post lol, but it seems like it's hard for everyone who moves right after university. My company will let me relocate in a few months, I'm debating going back to my hometown or maybe trying my luck in a city with a larger population of young transplants.
I was you, maybe slightly less lame. I was a recent college grad, making good money in a city where I didn't know anyone. I would look forward to Mondays because at least I'd be around people. I did that for about a year and a half before quitting and moving across the country to live with two of my closest college friends and start a new job I was more interested in, even though it involved a paycut. Best decision I ever made.
I'm sorry that sounds awful.
I've moved to new cities a few times, it's always lonely for longer than you think it will be. Takes a while to hit your stride socially, and you need to put yourself out there repeatedly. It'll get better, it's still a new situation as far as moves go
>stakeholders Well there’s your problem pal. Watch Schrader films and get some goddamn pussy. You are the American dream incarnate. Be your own god ya fuck
pick up basketball sounds like fun, not sure why you’re complaining
Delete instagram
Find a pool bar. Play with the regulars. Also go to church, one with a social afterwards
Why not look for a new job back home with your friends, family, and people you know? Humans need community! Unless you’re in like a super-specialized field I’m sure you can find something!
whats the job?
Do rock climbing silly
Take a class, maybe some improv or a comedy class. You'll meet people and have fun. Can look at college continuing ed programs.
Just buy a boat
Why did your T drop so much? You are sleeping enough. Are you eating a good diet rich in animal fats and protein? It probably declined because you are constantly stressing about being lonely. Stop looking at what people are doing on Instagram. You have hobbies and social interaction in them. What’s stopping you from hanging out with the people you meet there, shame? Hang out with some 30-50 year old dudes. Start supplementing vitamin D and Ashwaganda to control your stress levels.
sounds like you need ozempic
You should try your strolls without music sometimes, you never know who you might strike up a conversation with.
How are you eating?
I don’t know where you are, but even though you’re skeptical about dating apps, I’d recommend trying out Bumble BFF. I’ve moved a lot in my life due to work and education and have made beautiful friendships through Bumble BFF! I’ve seen it work also for my male friends. Once you’ve got a friends, it’s also easier to meet potential romantic interests :)
I'm in a very similar position. I was not very happy in my home country and I moved to a western one a couple of years ago. This just made me realize how much more miserable it can actually get. I speak the language well enough to work, but you really have to speak it fluently in order to make friends and date, and learning a language to full fluency is fucking difficult, especially when I'm this depressed and working most of the day. Plus I always feel like an outsider. I'll stay here for a while, but I think I'll go back home, even if it means worse job opportunities and dying from lack of healthcare if I get a serious illness. It's so depressing to travel back home and hang out with my friends and see all the beautiful girls, knowing that I'm selling off my best years for nothing.
What city are you in? Also you’re 23 - still SO young. You sound like you’re just a bit depressed which is relatively normal. It’s funny to see you nostalgically looking back on 20 - I’m nearly 33 and I don’t wish I was your age again I would enjoy it for a bit. It’s really hard when you have zero people to hang out with. What about people from work? Or you should try more sports/clubs.
Humans are social creatures!!!!!
Why don't you get a dog? Can you post a picture of yourself?
Given you've maintained this for as long as you have you definitely have the grit to find yourself a better way. Try others' suggestions here, you got this.
Have you considered moving to a place that doesn’t suck? I’m serious.
You didn’t mention your living situation but Ive got to say, for as much of a gamble as it could be, living with roommates in your early 20s can be a big boon for your social life. > haven't talked to anyone apart from coworkers in three weeks Not playing nearly enough basketball > I joined a spin class You sit on your ass at work, then go sit on a bike seat which is known to be hard on male reproductive organs. Maybe that’s the source of your lower t. Plus the futility of stationary biking, god it must kill the soul of a healthy adult. If you’re able to it’d be brilliant to bike to work instead.
What is your diet like? How many hours of sleep do you typically get each night?
Why do all these posts never have details of like what city you came from or currently live in? I moved to DC like 4 years ago at 32 years old and if I wanted to meet friends I just used Tinder to go on first dates and then try and find girls who had a good friend group, not necessarily to find a girlfriend. I also chose roommates based on their friend group, and also went to nightclubs solo to listen to techno/trance and if you just vibe to music, smoke cigarettes m people will talk to you.
If I was in a spin class and saw a single guy around my age at 22 I’d immediately see him as a potential crush / partner but maybe that is just me as a young woman
What city is this? I moved to a new city about a year ago and finally got to the point where I have different groups of people around different activities. Takes longer than ideal but I didn't let myself get defeated by social events that were busts.
the crossover between MPMD and RSP posters is uncanny...thought I was the only one both are very similar
You should consider going to events, like open mics, openings etc. kgb, Pete’s, get concerts tickets for bands u like maybe. Connect with ppl there. Maybe even try going to some kind of support group there are a billion on psychology today and some of them look pretty cool
If you get your T tested it's already too late for you
This sounds exactly like me. I think I’m gonna call it quits and move home. I’ve made money, moved up to the dream apartment, dated a lot. All well and good, but life is empty without true friends and family. I go through the motions of a cushy life, but frankly it’s boring and stagnating.
I just moved to Sweden, I don’t speak Swedish. I started volunteering at volunteer-run projects like urban farms and music venues. Also went alone to a pub quiz and joined a random team. Met heaps of cool people this way, both locals and other expats/immigrants, even found some work, and I still don’t speak a word of Swedish.
There is definitely a loneliness epidemic in the USA…ever since moving to Latin America I realized people are more welcoming here and there’s always something going on around everywhere you go; people make time for both work and play
Do you actually talk to these people you are around?
uh just go outside duh
Going through what? Having homies in their 30s-50s to hoop and chill with? Beggars can’t be choosers, bitch. Embrace your people. Fuck your friend’s wife’s divorced friend. Idk. What do you people want? I feel like everyone thinks they deserve to be Ross from Friends or some shit. No, you’re regular folk. Fucks with regular folk. Weirdo.
Lol OP the wife's divorced friend angle is not the worst idea tbh.
bro if you have been rejected 22/22 times you’ve got problems bigger than your surroundings and unfortunately i cannot diagnose them unless you post a full body picture of yourself.
What’s your job that you have such shit hours? It reminds me of my job
Alarm at 7:30am and getting home at 6pm seems pretty normal to me?
Damn I misread that as starting work at 7:30 and leaving work at 6. So like some weird extended shift.
Move back?
Perhaps you’re just a loser. Stop trying to do anything before you stop being a loser. Things will change.
Hey there. 46. Recently started over in a brand new city myself after taking a new job at the end of a breakup. It’s… rough. I have done this before and the first year in a new city is always difficult and gets worse as you get older. Hang in there and address your depression and health issues. At about the year mark you will start being a familiar face to people, you will start having regular haunts. It will get better.