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Let the courts decide. She chose to have the affair which has consequences. She needs to get a job or find another man to pay her to cheat on them too.
Correct.
This is the conversation that OP should be having with his divorce attorney.
He needs to weigh filing for full custody vs 50/50 custody because from the very little info shared in this post it seems that OP’s STBXW does not have the financial means or drive to maintain the standard of living the child is accustomed to.
The Attorney will need to weigh in and give OP an idea of what he may be on the hook for in terms of alimony, division of assets acquired after marriage, child support. OP can then make an informed decision about how to approach filing for full custody with a visitation schedule vs 50/50z
>it seems that OP’s STBXW does not have the financial means or drive to maintain the standard of living the child is accustomed to.
Isn't child support meant to alleviate that problem? With a major income disparity won't someone like OP usually be ordered to pay more even if custody is split evenly?
There are multiple issues at play here:
1. Does OP live in an ‘adultery as cause’ state. If so that can be a reason for alimony to be off the table.
2. OP also states that his STBXW cannot afford to take care of herself financially. If she cannot afford to take care of herself financially how will she be able to do so after divorce.
3. Yes, the court ordered child support will be income based. A concern that OP should raise with his attorney is that child support is for the child, what measure can be taken to insure that 100% of those funds are used as court ordered and intended.
If she is financially insecure is there the potential that she will misuse the funds? Maybe?!
It's not hard to prove if the money is used properly or not. If your child is well fed, lives in a clean house/apt and has clean clothes the money is used properly. Realistically it usually costs more to achieve this than what most non custodial parents pay in support.
Number 3 is kind of nonsense, because money is fungible. Once it hits her bank account, there's no difference between the money she spends on herself and the money she spends on the kid. Lots of guys throw tantrums because the day after they sent the child support payment, their ex got her hair done, but that's just not how money works. If she can afford to take care of the kid and have fun money left over, that's none of her ex's business.
Agreed. OP’s wife torpedoed their marriage, his sole focus should be his child. His STBXW can ask her AP to help subsidize her life. She is no longer his problem. His kid is the one he needs to provide for, not her.
Even more than just being money, it opens the door for her to emotionally abuse him and make any other partners think twice about committing to him.
It's a really bad idea to still act like her husband. She cheated. Let her figure it out and minimize contact to co-parenting issues only.
Crazy that we live in a world where your wife can cheat on you, and you still have to pay her.
Happened to me in 2013. Cost me 800 a month for 4 years to make her go away.
Small price to pay to get my piece of mind back.
He’s paying for his child when his child is in her care and presumably she took a career hit to have his child which has impacted her earning ability. It’s actually irrelevant that she cheated when it comes to child support.
I agree. I'd let the court decide and then OP can do more for the child as needed. He can buy them clothes and shoes and books and pay for after school activities. He can pay alimony based on what the court determines.
A lot of states are restructuring it to be much less time. Usually up to 20 years of marriage, its alimony for a few years post marriage.
After 20 years several seem to have lifetime alimony.
I mean, statistically speaking it is most likely, there’s about a 50% chance someone is in The States, and the rest is all the other countries combined. So it’s a fair guess
I was reading the post and thinking how refreshing it was that a spouse was concerned for their soon to be ex. Then I read it ended because she had an affair. Well F her then.
This is the truth, OP. My ex-husband had an affair and we reconciled, but then I asked for a divorce a few years later. I had to find the means to support myself and be able to support my children. She will need to move in with her parents or find a roommate if she can’t support herself. If you are contributing to her finances beyond child support, put a time limit on it, otherwise she will keep expecting it. Give her 6 months to find a job and then a part time job on the days she doesn’t have custody. It isn’t your fault she cheated. She should have considered the consequences of her actions before having an affair.
USA vs Canada vs UK all different court systems, eg Canadian court could care a nits wit about an affair for the divorce, but would expect the party that can afford to bring the other’s living standard up to what they were used to with the partner.
This is terrible advice. The courts usually come up with solutions that no one is happy with. If OP and his ex are still amicable they should resolve in mediation. OP should draft a proposal for what sounds reasonable and ask his ex to sign.
Also, the 'courts' rarely decide the outcomes of divorce or custody matters. Usually, both parties have a lawyer and do meditation. They agree to terms, the lawyers write it us and file it with the court so it's now enforceable.
You only go to trial if things can't be resolved in mediation, which is rare and getting an actual hearing can easily take 6 months to a year to get on the docket.
He can pay extra as needed for his kids, but what they order will be what they order, and doing more would be him giving an inch to a mile taker.
He can pay whatever he wants for his kids' stuff and activities.
Whether you like it or not, the courts will decide, and because you have a child and are the breadwinner, if you live in the US there will be a worksheet that will determine what you owe. It’ll probably be in the high side given your ex’s lack of income.
There is a lot of information missing so it’s difficult to respond.
How old is your child? Is your ex on a low income because she is forgoing work to care for the child? Did she stall her career due to the child? Did she always have a low income? Did she give up studying for the child?
I think the answer to your question will be different now than it would be a few years from now. For example, if your ex is on unpaid maternity leave looking after your 2 year old child full time… you might want to consider subsidising her more so that your child doesn’t end up spending 60 hours a week in childcare while your ex returns to work full time. However as your child ages, that would be less of an issue and it would be reasonable to expect your ex to work longer hours.
If your ex always had a low salary, you might want to help her out more so that she can retrain or improve her career. However at some point she would need to be accountable for her own money and you should both agree on a date for when that happens.
Basically the goal is to give your child a good life with both parents and help your ex be financially independent so that you can be less responsible long term.
Finances are not a reason to deprive a child of a parent. Speaking as someone who has worked in family law. Judge will prioritize shared custody and child support to ensure child has the same standard of living in each home.
Wife can and probably will file for and receive alimony if she is not the breadwinner. Courts rarely deny shared custody unless there’s, like, massive and well-documented abuse or drug issues.
Alimony is usually awarded for long term marriages (10+ years) where one person gave up their career to enhance the marriage (kids, etc.).
6 years… she had a job when you met her, right? There are other jobs out there that pay more. It might not be what she “wants to do”, but thems the breaks when you violate the one pretty much agreed upon rule of marriage. Sucks to be her.
I think it kind of depends on the state, too— in my home state, alimony can be for marriages under ten years old, but you pay alimony for 1/3 the length of your marriage.
Depends on the state. There is also a different between legal and physical custody. They could have have joint legal custody and he still has physical custody.
There are many different types of custody. My friend's ex was the cheater. She had primary custody and received child support. Kids saw their father on the weekends he had visitation. Both parents could make decisions about things like seeking medical care.
This is what my husband has. We have a 60/40 split. Both my husband and his ex can make almost any decisions they want without asking the other. The only thing they must agree on is school district.
Yep, did she give up her job to raise HIS child? Cheating is not okay but this happens to women often. They support their husband’s career and end up destitute.
Oh, spare us the typical Reddit showboating around infidelity. It’s largely irrelevant when dividing assets, as it should be, from a legal perspective.
If OP’s wife halted paying work in order to take on all of the unpaid labor to support the household and family he created, then she is entitled to child support and alimony. It’s hilarious how so many men kick and scream with their little tantrums about this. It’s what you sign up for when you agree to have a “SAHM” as a wife. Cry harder.
Courts don't award full custody based on income. If she's truly unable to support herself financially, as determined by the court, the court will order more child support. If that still doesn't cover it, she'd be instructed to apply for welfare.
She could live in a homeless shelter and still have custody. She doesn't stop being a mom just because she's poor. It's up to OP (and the courts) what quality of life he wants his child to have during her custody time.
This is not true and depends on the state. In California, there are set standards for child support. If she can't support them and he can ask the judge for physical custody and they can have joint legal custody. They are two different things. You honestly think that a judge is going to award her physical custody, if she's homeless over the father who has a house?
Again, that's incorrect, even in California. As long as the parent can provide the basic necessities and are not abusive, they are given 50/50 custody (if they want it).
>You honestly think that a judge is going to award her physical custody, if she's homeless over the father who has a house?
I don't think, I know it for a fact. As long as she's not living on the street or in her car, she will be given 50/50 custody. Having a house doesn't mean anything to a judge. A roof is a roof, whether it's a mansion or a homeless shelter.
Reddit lawyers know everything though!!!!
You’re correct though. A judge isn’t going to award custody to a parent just because they earn way more. Instead they will find the higher earned has to pay child support to the lower earned. If the person you were replying to was correct, no SAHM would ever get custody of the kids after a divorce and we know that’s just not the case.
California is trying to do a much better job of giving both parents 50/50 custody if it’s determined that neither parent warrant getting less custody. Even in that case, if one parent is a higher earner they will still pay the lower earner some child support to ensure the kids have close to the same living environments at both homes.
You would think if mom isn’t able to take care of daughter’s needs then mother would volunteer to have child live with her father until she can get financially stable.
It’s not typically in the best interest of children to be away from one parent like that. It’s better to split custody so each child can maintain a bond with their parent. This is why child support and alimony exist, so that the partner who is financially suffering is able to temporarily maintain a similar lifestyle.
Like the other commenter said, it's in the best interest of the child to have custody time with both parents. As long as there is food in their bellies and a roof over their heads, it would be harmful to separate a child from their parent.
We live in a world where women are more often than not pushed into primary caregiver roles. They’re the ones who give up work because childcare is too expensive. Should she have cheated? Absolutely not. Should she lose custody when she likely gave up work to care for their mutual child? Also absolutely not.
Courts don’t award custody to one parent because the other parent is not well-off financially. Lots of parents are living in poverty. It takes a lot of evidence of to move the needle even a little bit from 50/50. My husband spent 15k and had CPS reports, videos of his ex wasted around the children, her admitting she hit the kids, and evidence of grand larceny. He got 55% custody.
That seems really short sighted. I agree with prioritizing his child, but it in most cases the child would be better off having both parents in their life (parents who peacefully and respectfully coparent).
Exactly. This is a more complex situation than most redditors can completely understand. “She cheated, you owe her nothing” is the easy go-to but no matter what, her fate will impact the child. This person will likely be a drain on OP and this will need a clear boundary, that will likely be set by a court. And despite the clear boundary, dad will likely do more for the child and by extent his ex. Both for the child’s peace of mind and for OP’s. My only feedback is to get away from the emotions to determine boundaries. I don’t know that there are either good or bad answers to OP, only shades of grey here.
If she’s been the primary caretaker of the child, the courts will want that to continue. If he has the ability to do 50:50 custody, then that is also an option. There is NO way a court will award sole custody to the parent who hasn’t been the primary caretaker of the child, unless one parent has severe mental health issues. Even then, once those mental health issues are improved then it will become 50:50
My friends lived in a beautiful home in a really nice neighborhood. Both had great stable careers and were overall just good people.
The one had 2 daughters with his ex wife. She lived in a pay-by-the-hour motel next door to a strip club with the 2 children.
After the kids told him the mom would frequently leave them alone while she was "hanging out in the parking lot" (prostitution), they went to court to get full/primary custody.
The judge ruled against them stating that there's no proof that the mother was putting them in danger and as long as there was a microwave or hot plate in the room so she could feed them, they were staying with her.
The courts don't care about fathers. Or children in this case.
It's not that the courts don't care about the father, it's that the court is very reluctant to remove children from their parents. I'm assuming they had a joint custody agreement, and he also had the children?
She had primary custody and they had them on the weekends. They weren't trying to alienate them from their mother, they wanted primary custody until she was able to get herself together. They would never keep the children from her.
She was afraid they would try to get their child support order modified and she would lose their support or be on the hook for paying them.
As a mother, I would never keep my children in an unsafe environment when there was a better and safer alternative with the other parent.
In most places, you’ll be expected to pay child support to keep things more equal between households for the mutual child.
Beyond that, you have no obligation.
She’s an adult. She’ll figure it out.
The not she'll get is 3 years (half of the marriage) but I also think you have to be married for more than 10 years to get spousal support. And if she's not working now she'll have to find a job.
That’s not true. The length of your marriage determines how long you can get spousal support, but it doesn’t determine whether you’re eligible for it. It’s a very specific formula that varies based on your situation and the jurisdiction you live in.
Was she a SAHM? What is the custody arrangement going to be? Are you concerned that she will become homeless or neglect your child's needs?
I would say morally you don't owe her anything as an individual. Practically speaking, depending on the answers to the above questions, you may want to consider helping her get on her feet for the sake of your child, but there would need to be very strict parameters to that kind of help - a timeline for when she needs to obtain a decent job and pay her own bills, specifically.
You will probably be required to pay some amount of child support if she doesn't have an income or has an income that's highly disproportionate to yours. What you do or don't offer beyond that is something you may want to discuss with your attorney.
The cheating is between you and her. The concern here is the child you share. You could go for full custody and leave her to fend for herself. Personally I think that’s kind of vindictive. I think your child would be best served with two stable parents who can effectively coparent.
Does she have family or a support network she can rely on? Does she have skills that can she can grow into a career? You don’t want to end up supporting her, but if you can set aside your anger at her actions, a calm discussion about the best path forward for her would be good. You could take on the brunt of parenting while she focused on establishing a good career. Be open about visitation and agree to move to 50/50 when she is ready. You don’t have to be friends, but if she succeeds, your child does also.
She cheated don't feel obligation to her she is the one who caused the divorce this is the direct consequence of her actions as long as your provide for your child you have zero obligation to her. I hope you can heal and have a wonderful life after the divorce your sound like a nice person still thinking of her after everything she did.
Thank you very much for your reply. I feel like I have whatever it's called when you think everything is your own fault. I wish'd I was a better husband, sweeter, more spontaneous, etc. I have to find my own self worth again.
While I agree she chose too. It’s ok for OP to look at any ways he may have contributed to the state of their marriage. Doesn’t make the cheating on but can still be hood to acknowledge and reflect.
Wait one damn minute! Are you suggesting that cheating isn’t black and white!?!? And that people should also reflect on their own shortcomings?!?
Seriously though, as soon as I read that, I thought, “you’d get better answers without including the affair bit.”
I agree. Opportune introspection is always a good thing.
However, one of my observations in life: The people who really need to introspect rarely do. The rest are already introspecting.
OP already seems to be doing that when wondering if he could have been a better husband. He's already gutted by what's happening. I feel Reddit would do better in this situation by 'reading the room' and figuring out how to help this poor guy start to reflect more healthily on how he didn't deserve to be cheated on. He's already probably beating himself up over what happened. My heart hurts thinking about his situation.
Which is why I upvoted 'WeeklyConversation', and 'Plus_Data'. These provide feedback to support OP in a difficult situation that is not of his own making.
Edit: Added Plus_Data. Their comments are great as well.
It's definitely not your fault if she had talked things through with you instead of cheating your marrige might have been saved but she just jumped right to cheating this is on her not you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing years ago. Counseling will help.
It's something how they go from your best friend to someone who you don't know so quickly.
You still love her and are worried about her. Rest assured she's not worried about you. She just wants her new relationship. Your only concern now should be your child. She made her bed. Let her lie in it.
Make sure your child is not suffering when the child is with your ex. That’s the extent of your obligation I think. If you want to do more than you are ordered to do, that’s your choice and do it because that’s the type of person you want to be, without expectation of appreciation or maturity or anything else in return.
You don’t. If you start supporting her financially she will end up counting on it instead of working for something better. I know fifer to take your child more f she needs time for schooling or to improve her career.
Your only job is to make sure your child is safe and is being taken care of.
I think there are a lot of factors at play, a lot which are missing from the post so it’s hard to give an accurate answer. I would go through lawyers with the divorce and let them know how you feel so they can find an appropriate balance.
You need to decide who has the main responsibility of raising your child going forward and what you want life to be like for them. Will you be cutting back your hours to have your child an equal amount of time? If not, your ex will have to watch them and that would surely impact her job offers and availability. So you would need to cover that wage difference (I assume you’d both prefer that over paying a nanny to take care of your child while you’re both gone).
Also, previously, was your wife taking care of your child full time while you worked? If so, then she wasn’t able to work elsewhere which will have negative repercussions going forward…companies won’t hire people who have been out of the workforce. The affair was wrong, but the responsibility of the child is separate. If she didn’t conventionally work so you could continue and not have your career impacted/still raise your child, that definitely needs to be considered.
Just pay your child support. If she has to down grade her life style that’s on her. The courts might also require some spousal support but let them decide and set that.
You shouldn't feel obligated at all. If you do something for her out of the goodness of your heart, please be clear with yourself that it is \*not\* an obligation. Depending on how dire her situation actually is, it would be very kind (especially bc she cheated on you) to give her a one-time or limited duration amount of financial support for her to have space to make the transition to supporting herself. Whatever you think is reasonable- security deposit and first month's rent; set amount of money for 3 months that she can use freely; or something much less like paying for all the move-out/in costs. Do not create an ongoing system of support and do not \*create\* an obligation with a third party (co-signing lease; paying car insurance; etc.).
In most places financial support is determined by calculators you can find online, it won't matter if she cheated or what. The best way to respect yourself and your child is to make sure you have a lawyer.
This is a legal issue, not a relationship issue. The court will look at your respective situations and decide what’s fair based on the laws in your jurisdiction. The only thing you have control over is making the necessary payments on time and maintaining a civil relationship with the mother of your child.
Most states have online calculators that determine the amounts in an unbiased way. Don’t be emotional about it and follow the systems likely already in place
Depending on the family laws in your state the court may make you pay spousal support plus child support, depending on your custody arrangement. 50/50 custody generally means no cs but you may be required to pay alimony. Talk to your lawyer.
None, she cheated. File for full custody if you're worried that she can't even care for herself.
Your only responsibility is to your child and to yourself. Focus on giving the both of you the best life that you can.
> My question is - What lengths should I feel obligated to go to in order to help support my wife financially,
The only lengths you should be concerned about is getting full custody. Her life isn't your concern anymore
I'd suggest therapy for you. The reality is, you will be co-parenting, and even if you have primary custody, I suspect you'll want your kid to have a relationship with her. Maybe a period of greater support, like training wheels, will feel better to you. But the reality is, only your opinion matters here. It's not a moral failing on your part that your want to help her. At the same time too, like you said, you need to feel like there's some fairness involved.
My dad was in a similar position too. He would buy her groceries and pay some of her bills. She just took more and more. Her BF also benefited from my dad's kind heart.
The entire time my dad never said a bad word about my mom but my mom did nothing but shit talk him. In a moment of weakness, he told me she had forged checks in his name. FYI I was 25 at the time and the only reason he told me was bc he wanted me to inform my mom that could go to jail for that. I knew the person my mom was and I had to tell him that she needed to figure this all out on her own.
My advice talk kindly about your ex and let the courts handle it. She is still the mother of your child but it is not your problem anymore.
The most self-respecting thing you can do is not pay a single cent more than what the courts tell you too. You need to feel zero sorrow or remorse. I know it's tough, but she did what she did, and you now owe her nothing now.
I think that question is best answered by a therapist. There are too many variables for strangers on social media to be able to give you accurate advice.
It’s admirable that you care. Especially since she will always be the mother of your child.
Where is the child? If your wife can’t support herself, do you have primary custody?
Your ex-wife’s wellbeing is no longer your responsibility, except for as to how her wellbeing impacts your child’s wellbeing.
You pay a fair amount of alimony for the child and besides, she will have to figure out what to do to cover other expenses, even more than the marriage, and, consequently, the financial comfort she had ended mainly due to her actions. Just don’t abandon your son.
You pay whatever child support you're legally required to and nothing more, spend your money on your child when he is at your home, since they should be the only priority.
Do not do anything more than what the courts decide. You owe her nothing. Is she already trying to manipulate you? She chose to cheat and destroy your marriage.
She can get a job.
Did you get a DNA test on your child?
The first time you give her extra money to take care of your kid and she goes out and buys new clothes and shoes for herself you’ll be pissed
As they said, let the courts decide, let her affair partner give her extra money
She will be fine. You share a child and the custody agreement will need to be reached. If you are worried about how she will support herself then you can always add alimony for a set amount of time or until she remarries.
Sometimes we all need a little push to get our lives back on track. This divorce seems to be the best for you both and it doesn’t need to put a wedge between you and the child. My ex and I decided that we were going to love our children more than we were going to hate each other. We are still great friends and happily married to other people.
You’re not obligated to take care of anybody but your child. She’s a grown woman- she can either take on a second job to support herself or apply for assistance.
Don’t worry about it. She clearly has other men in mind. She’ll find one to be her sugar daddy.
You can support your child without supporting to your ex.
Keep one thing in mind. If you want to give her extra support you can always give her more than any court ordered support in the divorce. So don't commit to more than you have to in the divorce agreement.
Get a lawyer to minimize the damage on your half. Let her AP take care of her shortcomings. Outside of your child,she's no longer your problem. Don't let your sympathy get you played.
She is 30 and played dirty.
You are in the clear.
Really.
You have ZERO obligation here.
She is not a 70 year old, never worked a day in her life, wall flower.
Puddin' can go work.
She is an adult who FAFO.
Go.
Be free.
Seriously. Be free. Do. Not. Date.
Be on your own for a while.
When you truly get happy being on your own?
You may find a woman who is also happy being on her own.
Respect yourself by claiming yourself.
You owe your ex nothing more.
As others have said, let the courts decide. \*Edit\* To clarify; by courts I mean established law and your lawyers (yours and hers) hashing out the particulars of a mediated agreement. Pay what you owe, cover your child support and when your child is with you, take care of them. Do not extend yourself at all because when you start doing things and it becomes established, she can actually take you to court for a modification for support (child support, not sure about spousal support) and have a decent chance of having this allowed.
The fact that you are thinking about helping her out is very kind of you. The courts will decide and i really hope she gets just enough to raise the child.
While you were working and providing , she cheated on you. She was supposed to be a mother and a wife. Instead of being understanding that you are working form them she decided to do this. Her stupidity changes the lives of everyone. Children need consistency and both parents who show then a lot of love.
Don't worry about her as she was already supported by you long enough and still betrayed you. Focus on full custody and keeping your child away from someone that sets that type of example, or else there's a chance they won't see the problem with it because they will see that theres no real consequences of it other than the relationship possibly ending.
Also, they might be led to believe that cheaters deserve sympathy for some odd reason, but they don't at all. This could expose them to psychological abuse from future partners that betray them in such ways, which is inevitable with how relaxed the younger generations seem to view sex, and i doubt that is how you want your children to view it, which will already have one example working against you if you show sympathy and allow her to poison your child's mind.
You don't really know this woman other than that she cares very little about you or giving the child a solid foundation for their future if she risked being homeless to have an affair. Your child doesn't need to grow up on that environment, even if it's only temporary stays.
I can only give my opinion as I haven't experienced or been in a situation like this,
however, I'd say that she is a grown woman and she took it upon herself to be unfaithful,
therefore as long as you have and continue to look after your child and help raise them to the best of your ability your ex-wife is not your responsibility to look after!
They threw that option away when they threw your heart and trust out the window!
Again I don't know all the details just sharing my opinion on what I've read!
Nothing more than a judge makes you. Dude, she was cheating. You owe her nothing... emotional, physical, or financial. If it's a matter of taking care of your child, there are many ways to do so without handing your ex money or supporting her cheating ass. But here is something for you to think about every time you sign a check for her, "how did her boyfriends dick taste?".
File for full custody for your kid if she can’t afford to take care of herself financially, how can she care for your child? If you do not file for full custody, prepare for the possibility of paying alimony/spousal support AND child support. I’d she has a great lawyer she will definitely get BOTH whether she “cheated” or not….
As others said, let the courts decide. Do what you need to do in order to ensure that your child is taken care of but don't feel like your need to support your soon to be ex. She can look for a better paying job, she can get a second job, she can look to see where she can cut costs etc. She has options. Your only responsibility is to care for your child and be respectful with your ex (for your child's sake).
Do NOT help her at all. I saw in you history she is leaving you and your child for the other man. You need to get sole custody. Hopefully she won't get alimony. She's a horrible person and mother.
Your stbx is not your responsibility. She made choices that put her in the current situation and must face the consequences.
Your concern needs to be your child. If custody will be split, the court will determine the amount of support you'll have to pay. Beyond that, buy your child things as needed. If your ex isn't trustworthy, buy items yourself instead of giving extra money.
If ex isn't taking care of herself, that's her issue. If it starts impacting your child, pursue more custody.
The correct balance is: 100% you, 0% her.
She cheated on you, and you're still sitting here trying to be good to her?
Hell no. If she can't support herself financially without you, she should not have cheated on you.
She fucked around. Make her find out..
First, get a paternity test. Second, if you want to help, offer to take the child (if yours) more than 50/50. Third, provide her with information on women's shelters and resources etc.
Unless the kid was born before they were married and he’s not on the birth certificate (unlikely) a paternity test probably won’t change his legal obligations to the child.
Add to that this is a child he considers his own and loves even if he’s not the bio dad, he’s probably going to want to just go for the most custody he can get.
With Mrs. Thequick1, we came up with this arrangement (very similar circumstances):
I am the custodial parent, and she doesn’t have to pay child support. We were single income parents, so my salary could take care of the household, and she wanted to be free. The judge asked me if I had been forced into that arrangement, and I told him that, “I make more than enough to take care of the kids, and having her work 70 hours a week to pay child support, but the kids not seeing her isn’t fair to them.” The judge looked at me for 5 seconds, and said, “this money isn’t yours. It belongs to the kids, and I understand your logic, and if you change your mind, any court in the US will be more than happy to revisit this. You two are now divorced.”
That went on for about 5 years, until Mrs. thequick2 wasn’t willing to support someone else’s kids, when their mom was going out and partying. (She got a better job), and it was revisited, and we started getting child support.
MORE INFO: According to another post by this person, she is the one who called it off and she plans on leaving him and their baby.
With that info, you have no obligation to this woman anymore. This is not a No-Fault divorce. You would still be married if she hadn’t cheated,
No? By definition, that makes it her fault. I can still tell you are hurt and maybe still love her, but do you really want to help fund her affair?
Do not give her a cent if you can help it.
Being a good ex means respecting yourself. Her problems, including supporting herself after her betrayal, are her problems alone. Offer to take full custody of your child and offer to keep her child support payments low to help her get by, but that’s it.
You support her by taking control and filing for full custody of your child. In addition, I don't know if you've looked into paternity for the child.
If that child is biologically yours, you need to be their support and for the ex!
Try for sole custody. She is an adult. You owe her nothing even though the courts will probably reward the cheater with your house, a giant alimony payment (the government is forcing you to work and toil and earn a wage just to turn it over to some cheating adult who you no longer have any relationship to.....modern slavery). The court will probably deny you sole custody or even 50/50 JOINT CUSTODY and probably give the child to her and let you "VISIT" from time to time while paying her a fat some to get some clothes and extra food for the kid.
What does your lawyer advise?
GET A DNA/PATERNITY test for this kid. She is a; known cheater. Make sure this is actually your child.
DNA/PATERNITY TEST ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re asking about the difference between supporting her (helping her land on her feet) and enabling her (shielding her from the consequences of her actions).
As someone who use to previously feel overly responsible for loved ones here are some boundaries I set for myself.
- I will not give anything that builds me resentment
- I will not take on more responsibility for others than they take on for themselves
For example, if someone isn’t doing anything to dig themselves out of a financial hole, I won’t give them money
You need to be addressing this with your attorney really. You don’t owe her any spousal support/alimony unless the courts tell you so! These things are different and separate from child support. She made her bed, let her lie in it! No need to go being more generous than what the courts dictate, she doesn’t deserve it after she cheated. Her financial situation is not your problem unless she is able to support and cares for your child
Only give her what the courts say you should. She needs to be independent on her own. She is an adult and she needs to figure out how to support herself. Do not get into a guilt trip.
As little as possible. You don't owe her shit. The child, sure. You're not expected to be a good ex husband to a shitty ex-wife. Keep your self-respect
Obtain full custody of your kid.
She can move back with her parents rent free, and PAY YOU child support. IF she earns 2k net a month. She needs to pay you, 50% of the medical insurance which the baby is under your name. That could be $100, And since her salary will be calculated, she will pay around $200-400 in child support.
Place it ON PAPER, YOU ARE 50% RESPONSIBLE for paying: music lessons, athletic clubs, cheeleading outfits/gymnastics if your child is a girl. SHE NEEDS TO PAY THE OTHER 50%.
DO THIS NOW OR ELSE, SHE WILL FIGHT YPU AND SAY "You never put anything down on our divorce papers, I'm not responsible ".
SAME for a college fund. Put it on paper that she needs to put $50 a month for your child's college fund. Assuming your child is under 1 year old. By the time your kid graduates from high-school, he/she will have 10k. It may not be much, but it is something. And something is better than nothing.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET JOINT. GET FULL CUSTODY BECAUSE THEN SHE WILL THINK OF YOU AS ANOTHER PAY CHECK AND CRY TO THE JUDGE $600 OF CHILD SUPPORT MONEY IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY HER BILLS.
That's the most fair way to present it after she made the decision to fuck up her marriage.
And if she incurred debt under her own credit card, THAT IS HER RESPONSIBILITY NOT YOURS.
Have your lawyer fight that for you.
She cheated… yall are getting divorced… let the court determine child support if she’s to be the primary care giver for your child. Aside from that, you should not feel obligated.
She should feel obligated to do better and be able to support herself.
I’m an ex wife, didn’t cheat. I was the one who asked for the divorce (lots of reasons and I didn’t just quit when things got tough… it was needed and we’re both better for it). I left my ex husband the home we built together, did not even consider child support or alimony, and just moved on. Though he wasn’t happy about and did keep my car from me for almost a year… 😒.. short story it was in both of our names because we were young and I thought his name needed to be on the title since it was on the loan and I put his name on the loan with my name because I thought it would to help build his credit… so legally it was both of ours and he refused to let me have it back…
Just pointing out that I’m not saying this as someone who just wants you to get revenge because she cheated… but with that considered… she’ll be fine. She found another man to support her physical needs, she’ll either figure it out on her own or she’ll find another man to support her financial needs… either way… her finances are no longer your circus unless you contributed to why she isn’t able to support herself.
Did you financially abuse her? Did you insist on her being a stay at home mom and limit her ability to gain work experience or an education? Did you cause her trouble at previous jobs that would make it hard for her to get decent employment moving forward? Did you do anything that would harm her ability to be financially stable on her own? If no, move on and let her do the same. You’re only partially financially responsible for your child, not her anymore.
You feel obligated because your a decent person. However, you own nothing to her. Consider what is best for your child, which may be full custody with visitation once she's on her feet.
According to your other post she announced she was leaving you for another man out of the blue, why are you wasting brain cells thinking about her. Her AP will be the next sucker supporting her. Just take care of your kid and I hope you have custody because otherwise she’ll be leveraging him.
You don't. You have NO obligation to do anything for her in any capacity, and DON'T let anyone tell you otherwise.
You file for sole custody based on the fact that she can't support herself.
You want to be the good ex? Get full custody of the child and protect them like they're gold. Your soon to be ex cheated on you. She bought and paid for those consequences. The only thing she deserves is the receipt that the divorce will provide her.
She is the one that made a conscious decision to have an affair .. you owe her nothing !!!
File for primary custody of your child . If this is how she is , who knows what type of guys she will have around ! This is what you owe to your child !!
Actions have consequences. Push for majority or full custody of your child. This will give her more time to get a second job, or higher paying job. This is not your burden to bare. The security and wellbeing of your child is.
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Let the courts decide. She chose to have the affair which has consequences. She needs to get a job or find another man to pay her to cheat on them too.
This is the only answer. The court will let OP know what he has to pay.
But also you have a lawyer, yes?
Correct. This is the conversation that OP should be having with his divorce attorney. He needs to weigh filing for full custody vs 50/50 custody because from the very little info shared in this post it seems that OP’s STBXW does not have the financial means or drive to maintain the standard of living the child is accustomed to. The Attorney will need to weigh in and give OP an idea of what he may be on the hook for in terms of alimony, division of assets acquired after marriage, child support. OP can then make an informed decision about how to approach filing for full custody with a visitation schedule vs 50/50z
>it seems that OP’s STBXW does not have the financial means or drive to maintain the standard of living the child is accustomed to. Isn't child support meant to alleviate that problem? With a major income disparity won't someone like OP usually be ordered to pay more even if custody is split evenly?
There are multiple issues at play here: 1. Does OP live in an ‘adultery as cause’ state. If so that can be a reason for alimony to be off the table. 2. OP also states that his STBXW cannot afford to take care of herself financially. If she cannot afford to take care of herself financially how will she be able to do so after divorce. 3. Yes, the court ordered child support will be income based. A concern that OP should raise with his attorney is that child support is for the child, what measure can be taken to insure that 100% of those funds are used as court ordered and intended. If she is financially insecure is there the potential that she will misuse the funds? Maybe?!
As a divorce attorney - these points are bogus. Finances do not secure custody.
It's not hard to prove if the money is used properly or not. If your child is well fed, lives in a clean house/apt and has clean clothes the money is used properly. Realistically it usually costs more to achieve this than what most non custodial parents pay in support.
Number 3 is kind of nonsense, because money is fungible. Once it hits her bank account, there's no difference between the money she spends on herself and the money she spends on the kid. Lots of guys throw tantrums because the day after they sent the child support payment, their ex got her hair done, but that's just not how money works. If she can afford to take care of the kid and have fun money left over, that's none of her ex's business.
Or he could get primary custody and the judge can order her to get a job and pay him child support.
Agreed. OP’s wife torpedoed their marriage, his sole focus should be his child. His STBXW can ask her AP to help subsidize her life. She is no longer his problem. His kid is the one he needs to provide for, not her.
And don’t pay more!!
This, pretty much. Don’t volunteer anything extra as that can be used against you in the future
Even more than just being money, it opens the door for her to emotionally abuse him and make any other partners think twice about committing to him. It's a really bad idea to still act like her husband. She cheated. Let her figure it out and minimize contact to co-parenting issues only.
Crazy that we live in a world where your wife can cheat on you, and you still have to pay her. Happened to me in 2013. Cost me 800 a month for 4 years to make her go away. Small price to pay to get my piece of mind back.
He’s paying for his child when his child is in her care and presumably she took a career hit to have his child which has impacted her earning ability. It’s actually irrelevant that she cheated when it comes to child support.
Works both ways. My cheating husband took half of everything.
I agree. I'd let the court decide and then OP can do more for the child as needed. He can buy them clothes and shoes and books and pay for after school activities. He can pay alimony based on what the court determines.
I think you have to be married for at least 10 years to receive alimony. I may be wrong, but I've heard that.
A lot of states are restructuring it to be much less time. Usually up to 20 years of marriage, its alimony for a few years post marriage. After 20 years several seem to have lifetime alimony.
My friend's husband left her after 29 years of marriage. She got 7 years alimony.
Why are you all assuming he is in the states? lol Reddit sometimes man
I mean, statistically speaking it is most likely, there’s about a 50% chance someone is in The States, and the rest is all the other countries combined. So it’s a fair guess
The man has a child. The first issue will be child support which he is responsible for. With married couples paternity is presumed.
Again, it's whatever the court decides.
I was reading the post and thinking how refreshing it was that a spouse was concerned for their soon to be ex. Then I read it ended because she had an affair. Well F her then.
Yeah who cares about her outside of how it affects his kid.
This is the truth, OP. My ex-husband had an affair and we reconciled, but then I asked for a divorce a few years later. I had to find the means to support myself and be able to support my children. She will need to move in with her parents or find a roommate if she can’t support herself. If you are contributing to her finances beyond child support, put a time limit on it, otherwise she will keep expecting it. Give her 6 months to find a job and then a part time job on the days she doesn’t have custody. It isn’t your fault she cheated. She should have considered the consequences of her actions before having an affair.
Little as possible
USA vs Canada vs UK all different court systems, eg Canadian court could care a nits wit about an affair for the divorce, but would expect the party that can afford to bring the other’s living standard up to what they were used to with the partner.
This is terrible advice. The courts usually come up with solutions that no one is happy with. If OP and his ex are still amicable they should resolve in mediation. OP should draft a proposal for what sounds reasonable and ask his ex to sign.
Also, the 'courts' rarely decide the outcomes of divorce or custody matters. Usually, both parties have a lawyer and do meditation. They agree to terms, the lawyers write it us and file it with the court so it's now enforceable. You only go to trial if things can't be resolved in mediation, which is rare and getting an actual hearing can easily take 6 months to a year to get on the docket.
He can pay extra as needed for his kids, but what they order will be what they order, and doing more would be him giving an inch to a mile taker. He can pay whatever he wants for his kids' stuff and activities.
Exactly!
Whether you like it or not, the courts will decide, and because you have a child and are the breadwinner, if you live in the US there will be a worksheet that will determine what you owe. It’ll probably be in the high side given your ex’s lack of income.
There is a lot of information missing so it’s difficult to respond. How old is your child? Is your ex on a low income because she is forgoing work to care for the child? Did she stall her career due to the child? Did she always have a low income? Did she give up studying for the child? I think the answer to your question will be different now than it would be a few years from now. For example, if your ex is on unpaid maternity leave looking after your 2 year old child full time… you might want to consider subsidising her more so that your child doesn’t end up spending 60 hours a week in childcare while your ex returns to work full time. However as your child ages, that would be less of an issue and it would be reasonable to expect your ex to work longer hours. If your ex always had a low salary, you might want to help her out more so that she can retrain or improve her career. However at some point she would need to be accountable for her own money and you should both agree on a date for when that happens. Basically the goal is to give your child a good life with both parents and help your ex be financially independent so that you can be less responsible long term.
This is very obviously relevant info but he hasn't provided it because this is just another validation-seeking post
This is the right and only answer.
If she can’t financially support herself then you need to file for sole custody of your child Your child is your priority Not your cheating ex
Finances are not a reason to deprive a child of a parent. Speaking as someone who has worked in family law. Judge will prioritize shared custody and child support to ensure child has the same standard of living in each home.
Wife can and probably will file for and receive alimony if she is not the breadwinner. Courts rarely deny shared custody unless there’s, like, massive and well-documented abuse or drug issues.
Alimony is usually awarded for long term marriages (10+ years) where one person gave up their career to enhance the marriage (kids, etc.). 6 years… she had a job when you met her, right? There are other jobs out there that pay more. It might not be what she “wants to do”, but thems the breaks when you violate the one pretty much agreed upon rule of marriage. Sucks to be her.
I think it kind of depends on the state, too— in my home state, alimony can be for marriages under ten years old, but you pay alimony for 1/3 the length of your marriage.
He doesn’t even state if he is American, what’s with all the comments here just assuming lol
There are far more Americans on reddit than from any other country. It's not a bad assumption without any more specific information.
…You’re right. God, that was very American of me, wasn’t it?
Lol I read it back like where does it say he was American. The whole idea of Alimony seems wild to me, particularly in circumstances such as this.
No she sucks that is why they are in this situation.
Depends on the state. There is also a different between legal and physical custody. They could have have joint legal custody and he still has physical custody.
Good point. In my home state it’s 1/3 the length of the marriage for alimony payments, regardless of the length of the marriage.
His concern ought to be for how much child support is ordered for the next eighteen years.
IF, she gets awarded alimony, it will probably be for a very limited time. 1 to 3 years at most. They weren't married that long.
There are many different types of custody. My friend's ex was the cheater. She had primary custody and received child support. Kids saw their father on the weekends he had visitation. Both parents could make decisions about things like seeking medical care.
This is what my husband has. We have a 60/40 split. Both my husband and his ex can make almost any decisions they want without asking the other. The only thing they must agree on is school district.
Yep, did she give up her job to raise HIS child? Cheating is not okay but this happens to women often. They support their husband’s career and end up destitute.
Please don’t feel sorry for this woman.
Oh, spare us the typical Reddit showboating around infidelity. It’s largely irrelevant when dividing assets, as it should be, from a legal perspective. If OP’s wife halted paying work in order to take on all of the unpaid labor to support the household and family he created, then she is entitled to child support and alimony. It’s hilarious how so many men kick and scream with their little tantrums about this. It’s what you sign up for when you agree to have a “SAHM” as a wife. Cry harder.
In my state you do NOT get alimony if yo are the cheater.
Courts don't award full custody based on income. If she's truly unable to support herself financially, as determined by the court, the court will order more child support. If that still doesn't cover it, she'd be instructed to apply for welfare. She could live in a homeless shelter and still have custody. She doesn't stop being a mom just because she's poor. It's up to OP (and the courts) what quality of life he wants his child to have during her custody time.
This is not true and depends on the state. In California, there are set standards for child support. If she can't support them and he can ask the judge for physical custody and they can have joint legal custody. They are two different things. You honestly think that a judge is going to award her physical custody, if she's homeless over the father who has a house?
Again, that's incorrect, even in California. As long as the parent can provide the basic necessities and are not abusive, they are given 50/50 custody (if they want it). >You honestly think that a judge is going to award her physical custody, if she's homeless over the father who has a house? I don't think, I know it for a fact. As long as she's not living on the street or in her car, she will be given 50/50 custody. Having a house doesn't mean anything to a judge. A roof is a roof, whether it's a mansion or a homeless shelter.
Reddit lawyers know everything though!!!! You’re correct though. A judge isn’t going to award custody to a parent just because they earn way more. Instead they will find the higher earned has to pay child support to the lower earned. If the person you were replying to was correct, no SAHM would ever get custody of the kids after a divorce and we know that’s just not the case. California is trying to do a much better job of giving both parents 50/50 custody if it’s determined that neither parent warrant getting less custody. Even in that case, if one parent is a higher earner they will still pay the lower earner some child support to ensure the kids have close to the same living environments at both homes.
You would think if mom isn’t able to take care of daughter’s needs then mother would volunteer to have child live with her father until she can get financially stable.
It’s not typically in the best interest of children to be away from one parent like that. It’s better to split custody so each child can maintain a bond with their parent. This is why child support and alimony exist, so that the partner who is financially suffering is able to temporarily maintain a similar lifestyle.
Like the other commenter said, it's in the best interest of the child to have custody time with both parents. As long as there is food in their bellies and a roof over their heads, it would be harmful to separate a child from their parent.
We live in a world where women are more often than not pushed into primary caregiver roles. They’re the ones who give up work because childcare is too expensive. Should she have cheated? Absolutely not. Should she lose custody when she likely gave up work to care for their mutual child? Also absolutely not.
Courts don’t award custody to one parent because the other parent is not well-off financially. Lots of parents are living in poverty. It takes a lot of evidence of to move the needle even a little bit from 50/50. My husband spent 15k and had CPS reports, videos of his ex wasted around the children, her admitting she hit the kids, and evidence of grand larceny. He got 55% custody.
That seems really short sighted. I agree with prioritizing his child, but it in most cases the child would be better off having both parents in their life (parents who peacefully and respectfully coparent).
Exactly. This is a more complex situation than most redditors can completely understand. “She cheated, you owe her nothing” is the easy go-to but no matter what, her fate will impact the child. This person will likely be a drain on OP and this will need a clear boundary, that will likely be set by a court. And despite the clear boundary, dad will likely do more for the child and by extent his ex. Both for the child’s peace of mind and for OP’s. My only feedback is to get away from the emotions to determine boundaries. I don’t know that there are either good or bad answers to OP, only shades of grey here.
Weekend supervised visitations seems to be acceptable (according to Reddit) when it’s reversed.
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If she’s been the primary caretaker of the child, the courts will want that to continue. If he has the ability to do 50:50 custody, then that is also an option. There is NO way a court will award sole custody to the parent who hasn’t been the primary caretaker of the child, unless one parent has severe mental health issues. Even then, once those mental health issues are improved then it will become 50:50
My friends lived in a beautiful home in a really nice neighborhood. Both had great stable careers and were overall just good people. The one had 2 daughters with his ex wife. She lived in a pay-by-the-hour motel next door to a strip club with the 2 children. After the kids told him the mom would frequently leave them alone while she was "hanging out in the parking lot" (prostitution), they went to court to get full/primary custody. The judge ruled against them stating that there's no proof that the mother was putting them in danger and as long as there was a microwave or hot plate in the room so she could feed them, they were staying with her. The courts don't care about fathers. Or children in this case.
It's not that the courts don't care about the father, it's that the court is very reluctant to remove children from their parents. I'm assuming they had a joint custody agreement, and he also had the children?
She had primary custody and they had them on the weekends. They weren't trying to alienate them from their mother, they wanted primary custody until she was able to get herself together. They would never keep the children from her. She was afraid they would try to get their child support order modified and she would lose their support or be on the hook for paying them. As a mother, I would never keep my children in an unsafe environment when there was a better and safer alternative with the other parent.
In most places, you’ll be expected to pay child support to keep things more equal between households for the mutual child. Beyond that, you have no obligation. She’s an adult. She’ll figure it out.
He probably does have an obligation to pay spousal support, especially if he lives in a no fault state.
The not she'll get is 3 years (half of the marriage) but I also think you have to be married for more than 10 years to get spousal support. And if she's not working now she'll have to find a job.
That’s not true. The length of your marriage determines how long you can get spousal support, but it doesn’t determine whether you’re eligible for it. It’s a very specific formula that varies based on your situation and the jurisdiction you live in.
Let’s hope she doesn’t get any.
Was she a SAHM? What is the custody arrangement going to be? Are you concerned that she will become homeless or neglect your child's needs? I would say morally you don't owe her anything as an individual. Practically speaking, depending on the answers to the above questions, you may want to consider helping her get on her feet for the sake of your child, but there would need to be very strict parameters to that kind of help - a timeline for when she needs to obtain a decent job and pay her own bills, specifically. You will probably be required to pay some amount of child support if she doesn't have an income or has an income that's highly disproportionate to yours. What you do or don't offer beyond that is something you may want to discuss with your attorney.
The cheating is between you and her. The concern here is the child you share. You could go for full custody and leave her to fend for herself. Personally I think that’s kind of vindictive. I think your child would be best served with two stable parents who can effectively coparent. Does she have family or a support network she can rely on? Does she have skills that can she can grow into a career? You don’t want to end up supporting her, but if you can set aside your anger at her actions, a calm discussion about the best path forward for her would be good. You could take on the brunt of parenting while she focused on establishing a good career. Be open about visitation and agree to move to 50/50 when she is ready. You don’t have to be friends, but if she succeeds, your child does also.
She cheated don't feel obligation to her she is the one who caused the divorce this is the direct consequence of her actions as long as your provide for your child you have zero obligation to her. I hope you can heal and have a wonderful life after the divorce your sound like a nice person still thinking of her after everything she did.
This isn’t how matrimonial law works.
Yes go through court and settle but he should not feel any obligation to her other than what the law says.
The law generally says that marriage is a partnership and that he will either pay alimony or she will take her 50% allotment. Feelings don’t matter.
I hope the courts take in to account her cheating but other than the payments stated in court he should feel no other obligation to her.
Each state in the USA is different. In my state you do not get alimony if you cheat
Thank you very much for your reply. I feel like I have whatever it's called when you think everything is your own fault. I wish'd I was a better husband, sweeter, more spontaneous, etc. I have to find my own self worth again.
It's not your fault. **She** chose to cheat. No one made her.
While I agree she chose too. It’s ok for OP to look at any ways he may have contributed to the state of their marriage. Doesn’t make the cheating on but can still be hood to acknowledge and reflect.
Wait one damn minute! Are you suggesting that cheating isn’t black and white!?!? And that people should also reflect on their own shortcomings?!? Seriously though, as soon as I read that, I thought, “you’d get better answers without including the affair bit.”
It's never the fault of the person who was cheated on. If you're unhappy fix it or end the relationship. It's very simple.
That doesn’t mean one should forgo opportune introspection. I think that’s the point the guy above you was trying to make.
I agree. Opportune introspection is always a good thing. However, one of my observations in life: The people who really need to introspect rarely do. The rest are already introspecting. OP already seems to be doing that when wondering if he could have been a better husband. He's already gutted by what's happening. I feel Reddit would do better in this situation by 'reading the room' and figuring out how to help this poor guy start to reflect more healthily on how he didn't deserve to be cheated on. He's already probably beating himself up over what happened. My heart hurts thinking about his situation. Which is why I upvoted 'WeeklyConversation', and 'Plus_Data'. These provide feedback to support OP in a difficult situation that is not of his own making. Edit: Added Plus_Data. Their comments are great as well.
It's definitely not your fault if she had talked things through with you instead of cheating your marrige might have been saved but she just jumped right to cheating this is on her not you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through the same thing years ago. Counseling will help. It's something how they go from your best friend to someone who you don't know so quickly. You still love her and are worried about her. Rest assured she's not worried about you. She just wants her new relationship. Your only concern now should be your child. She made her bed. Let her lie in it.
You were in the same marriage and you managed not to cheat. Stop blaming yourself, she’s broken.
Make sure your child is not suffering when the child is with your ex. That’s the extent of your obligation I think. If you want to do more than you are ordered to do, that’s your choice and do it because that’s the type of person you want to be, without expectation of appreciation or maturity or anything else in return.
You don’t. If you start supporting her financially she will end up counting on it instead of working for something better. I know fifer to take your child more f she needs time for schooling or to improve her career. Your only job is to make sure your child is safe and is being taken care of.
Agreed.
I think there are a lot of factors at play, a lot which are missing from the post so it’s hard to give an accurate answer. I would go through lawyers with the divorce and let them know how you feel so they can find an appropriate balance. You need to decide who has the main responsibility of raising your child going forward and what you want life to be like for them. Will you be cutting back your hours to have your child an equal amount of time? If not, your ex will have to watch them and that would surely impact her job offers and availability. So you would need to cover that wage difference (I assume you’d both prefer that over paying a nanny to take care of your child while you’re both gone). Also, previously, was your wife taking care of your child full time while you worked? If so, then she wasn’t able to work elsewhere which will have negative repercussions going forward…companies won’t hire people who have been out of the workforce. The affair was wrong, but the responsibility of the child is separate. If she didn’t conventionally work so you could continue and not have your career impacted/still raise your child, that definitely needs to be considered.
Just pay your child support. If she has to down grade her life style that’s on her. The courts might also require some spousal support but let them decide and set that.
You shouldn't feel obligated at all. If you do something for her out of the goodness of your heart, please be clear with yourself that it is \*not\* an obligation. Depending on how dire her situation actually is, it would be very kind (especially bc she cheated on you) to give her a one-time or limited duration amount of financial support for her to have space to make the transition to supporting herself. Whatever you think is reasonable- security deposit and first month's rent; set amount of money for 3 months that she can use freely; or something much less like paying for all the move-out/in costs. Do not create an ongoing system of support and do not \*create\* an obligation with a third party (co-signing lease; paying car insurance; etc.).
In most places financial support is determined by calculators you can find online, it won't matter if she cheated or what. The best way to respect yourself and your child is to make sure you have a lawyer.
This is a legal issue, not a relationship issue. The court will look at your respective situations and decide what’s fair based on the laws in your jurisdiction. The only thing you have control over is making the necessary payments on time and maintaining a civil relationship with the mother of your child.
Most states have online calculators that determine the amounts in an unbiased way. Don’t be emotional about it and follow the systems likely already in place
Depending on the family laws in your state the court may make you pay spousal support plus child support, depending on your custody arrangement. 50/50 custody generally means no cs but you may be required to pay alimony. Talk to your lawyer.
None, she cheated. File for full custody if you're worried that she can't even care for herself. Your only responsibility is to your child and to yourself. Focus on giving the both of you the best life that you can.
> My question is - What lengths should I feel obligated to go to in order to help support my wife financially, The only lengths you should be concerned about is getting full custody. Her life isn't your concern anymore
I'd suggest therapy for you. The reality is, you will be co-parenting, and even if you have primary custody, I suspect you'll want your kid to have a relationship with her. Maybe a period of greater support, like training wheels, will feel better to you. But the reality is, only your opinion matters here. It's not a moral failing on your part that your want to help her. At the same time too, like you said, you need to feel like there's some fairness involved.
My dad was in a similar position too. He would buy her groceries and pay some of her bills. She just took more and more. Her BF also benefited from my dad's kind heart. The entire time my dad never said a bad word about my mom but my mom did nothing but shit talk him. In a moment of weakness, he told me she had forged checks in his name. FYI I was 25 at the time and the only reason he told me was bc he wanted me to inform my mom that could go to jail for that. I knew the person my mom was and I had to tell him that she needed to figure this all out on her own. My advice talk kindly about your ex and let the courts handle it. She is still the mother of your child but it is not your problem anymore.
The most self-respecting thing you can do is not pay a single cent more than what the courts tell you too. You need to feel zero sorrow or remorse. I know it's tough, but she did what she did, and you now owe her nothing now.
Get a good lawyer and let the court decide and you might have to go for custody of your child
I think that question is best answered by a therapist. There are too many variables for strangers on social media to be able to give you accurate advice.
It’s admirable that you care. Especially since she will always be the mother of your child. Where is the child? If your wife can’t support herself, do you have primary custody? Your ex-wife’s wellbeing is no longer your responsibility, except for as to how her wellbeing impacts your child’s wellbeing.
I just want to acknowledge to OP that what has happened to him is painful. Paying the ex is salt in the wound, though unavoidable.
I missed the bit about the affair at first. Tell her to get a job. Give her 3 months to save up and get a place.
You pay a fair amount of alimony for the child and besides, she will have to figure out what to do to cover other expenses, even more than the marriage, and, consequently, the financial comfort she had ended mainly due to her actions. Just don’t abandon your son.
You pay whatever child support you're legally required to and nothing more, spend your money on your child when he is at your home, since they should be the only priority.
Do not do anything more than what the courts decide. You owe her nothing. Is she already trying to manipulate you? She chose to cheat and destroy your marriage. She can get a job. Did you get a DNA test on your child?
The first time you give her extra money to take care of your kid and she goes out and buys new clothes and shoes for herself you’ll be pissed As they said, let the courts decide, let her affair partner give her extra money
You are a good man.
She will be fine. You share a child and the custody agreement will need to be reached. If you are worried about how she will support herself then you can always add alimony for a set amount of time or until she remarries. Sometimes we all need a little push to get our lives back on track. This divorce seems to be the best for you both and it doesn’t need to put a wedge between you and the child. My ex and I decided that we were going to love our children more than we were going to hate each other. We are still great friends and happily married to other people.
You’re not obligated to take care of anybody but your child. She’s a grown woman- she can either take on a second job to support herself or apply for assistance.
She no longer is your responsibility. If she has time to cheat, she has time to work at Little Ceasers.
This is legal advice not relationship advice
Honestly brother, that's not your problem. She doesn't want to be with you, let her find some other person to take care of her.
Let her and her boyfriend worry about her finances.
Don’t worry about it. She clearly has other men in mind. She’ll find one to be her sugar daddy. You can support your child without supporting to your ex.
She had an affair, the only person you need to worry about supporting is your child. She can figure her shit out.
Keep one thing in mind. If you want to give her extra support you can always give her more than any court ordered support in the divorce. So don't commit to more than you have to in the divorce agreement.
Get a lawyer to minimize the damage on your half. Let her AP take care of her shortcomings. Outside of your child,she's no longer your problem. Don't let your sympathy get you played.
She is 30 and played dirty. You are in the clear. Really. You have ZERO obligation here. She is not a 70 year old, never worked a day in her life, wall flower. Puddin' can go work. She is an adult who FAFO. Go. Be free. Seriously. Be free. Do. Not. Date. Be on your own for a while. When you truly get happy being on your own? You may find a woman who is also happy being on her own. Respect yourself by claiming yourself. You owe your ex nothing more.
She's gonna continue to fuck other guys and probably use your money to do so at times. .. let her struggle She would let you
As others have said, let the courts decide. \*Edit\* To clarify; by courts I mean established law and your lawyers (yours and hers) hashing out the particulars of a mediated agreement. Pay what you owe, cover your child support and when your child is with you, take care of them. Do not extend yourself at all because when you start doing things and it becomes established, she can actually take you to court for a modification for support (child support, not sure about spousal support) and have a decent chance of having this allowed.
Maybe her affair partner is willing to support her. Not your problem anymore. Just make sure your child is cared for.
Don’t worry, she will be locked in and married again as soon as possible.
Have the dude who was fucking her support her.
None, you take care of your child an yourself. Ste literally fucked around and found out
The fact that you are thinking about helping her out is very kind of you. The courts will decide and i really hope she gets just enough to raise the child. While you were working and providing , she cheated on you. She was supposed to be a mother and a wife. Instead of being understanding that you are working form them she decided to do this. Her stupidity changes the lives of everyone. Children need consistency and both parents who show then a lot of love.
Why are you thinking of supporting a cheater?
The correct balance is letting her fully understand that actions have consequences.
Don't worry about her as she was already supported by you long enough and still betrayed you. Focus on full custody and keeping your child away from someone that sets that type of example, or else there's a chance they won't see the problem with it because they will see that theres no real consequences of it other than the relationship possibly ending. Also, they might be led to believe that cheaters deserve sympathy for some odd reason, but they don't at all. This could expose them to psychological abuse from future partners that betray them in such ways, which is inevitable with how relaxed the younger generations seem to view sex, and i doubt that is how you want your children to view it, which will already have one example working against you if you show sympathy and allow her to poison your child's mind. You don't really know this woman other than that she cares very little about you or giving the child a solid foundation for their future if she risked being homeless to have an affair. Your child doesn't need to grow up on that environment, even if it's only temporary stays.
I can only give my opinion as I haven't experienced or been in a situation like this, however, I'd say that she is a grown woman and she took it upon herself to be unfaithful, therefore as long as you have and continue to look after your child and help raise them to the best of your ability your ex-wife is not your responsibility to look after! They threw that option away when they threw your heart and trust out the window! Again I don't know all the details just sharing my opinion on what I've read!
Nothing more than a judge makes you. Dude, she was cheating. You owe her nothing... emotional, physical, or financial. If it's a matter of taking care of your child, there are many ways to do so without handing your ex money or supporting her cheating ass. But here is something for you to think about every time you sign a check for her, "how did her boyfriends dick taste?".
File for full custody for your kid if she can’t afford to take care of herself financially, how can she care for your child? If you do not file for full custody, prepare for the possibility of paying alimony/spousal support AND child support. I’d she has a great lawyer she will definitely get BOTH whether she “cheated” or not….
As others said, let the courts decide. Do what you need to do in order to ensure that your child is taken care of but don't feel like your need to support your soon to be ex. She can look for a better paying job, she can get a second job, she can look to see where she can cut costs etc. She has options. Your only responsibility is to care for your child and be respectful with your ex (for your child's sake).
Do NOT help her at all. I saw in you history she is leaving you and your child for the other man. You need to get sole custody. Hopefully she won't get alimony. She's a horrible person and mother.
Your stbx is not your responsibility. She made choices that put her in the current situation and must face the consequences. Your concern needs to be your child. If custody will be split, the court will determine the amount of support you'll have to pay. Beyond that, buy your child things as needed. If your ex isn't trustworthy, buy items yourself instead of giving extra money. If ex isn't taking care of herself, that's her issue. If it starts impacting your child, pursue more custody.
The correct balance is: 100% you, 0% her. She cheated on you, and you're still sitting here trying to be good to her? Hell no. If she can't support herself financially without you, she should not have cheated on you. She fucked around. Make her find out..
First, get a paternity test. Second, if you want to help, offer to take the child (if yours) more than 50/50. Third, provide her with information on women's shelters and resources etc.
Unless the kid was born before they were married and he’s not on the birth certificate (unlikely) a paternity test probably won’t change his legal obligations to the child. Add to that this is a child he considers his own and loves even if he’s not the bio dad, he’s probably going to want to just go for the most custody he can get.
With Mrs. Thequick1, we came up with this arrangement (very similar circumstances): I am the custodial parent, and she doesn’t have to pay child support. We were single income parents, so my salary could take care of the household, and she wanted to be free. The judge asked me if I had been forced into that arrangement, and I told him that, “I make more than enough to take care of the kids, and having her work 70 hours a week to pay child support, but the kids not seeing her isn’t fair to them.” The judge looked at me for 5 seconds, and said, “this money isn’t yours. It belongs to the kids, and I understand your logic, and if you change your mind, any court in the US will be more than happy to revisit this. You two are now divorced.” That went on for about 5 years, until Mrs. thequick2 wasn’t willing to support someone else’s kids, when their mom was going out and partying. (She got a better job), and it was revisited, and we started getting child support.
Repeat after me: "Not my dumpster." "Not my fire."
MORE INFO: According to another post by this person, she is the one who called it off and she plans on leaving him and their baby. With that info, you have no obligation to this woman anymore. This is not a No-Fault divorce. You would still be married if she hadn’t cheated, No? By definition, that makes it her fault. I can still tell you are hurt and maybe still love her, but do you really want to help fund her affair? Do not give her a cent if you can help it.
Being a good ex means respecting yourself. Her problems, including supporting herself after her betrayal, are her problems alone. Offer to take full custody of your child and offer to keep her child support payments low to help her get by, but that’s it.
You support her by taking control and filing for full custody of your child. In addition, I don't know if you've looked into paternity for the child. If that child is biologically yours, you need to be their support and for the ex!
You need to support your kid financially and your ex needs to support herself after imploding your marriage.
Honest questions: 1. Did you purposefully marry a woman who made significantly less than you? 2. Did financial abuse play a part in the marriage?
Try for sole custody. She is an adult. You owe her nothing even though the courts will probably reward the cheater with your house, a giant alimony payment (the government is forcing you to work and toil and earn a wage just to turn it over to some cheating adult who you no longer have any relationship to.....modern slavery). The court will probably deny you sole custody or even 50/50 JOINT CUSTODY and probably give the child to her and let you "VISIT" from time to time while paying her a fat some to get some clothes and extra food for the kid. What does your lawyer advise? GET A DNA/PATERNITY test for this kid. She is a; known cheater. Make sure this is actually your child. DNA/PATERNITY TEST ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re asking about the difference between supporting her (helping her land on her feet) and enabling her (shielding her from the consequences of her actions). As someone who use to previously feel overly responsible for loved ones here are some boundaries I set for myself. - I will not give anything that builds me resentment - I will not take on more responsibility for others than they take on for themselves For example, if someone isn’t doing anything to dig themselves out of a financial hole, I won’t give them money
Protect your child, your ex doesn’t need any. Maybe her affair partner will fund her.
You need to be addressing this with your attorney really. You don’t owe her any spousal support/alimony unless the courts tell you so! These things are different and separate from child support. She made her bed, let her lie in it! No need to go being more generous than what the courts dictate, she doesn’t deserve it after she cheated. Her financial situation is not your problem unless she is able to support and cares for your child
The courts will make a ruling, go by that. If she doesn’t get anything, that’s on her. She made her bed.
Only give her what the courts say you should. She needs to be independent on her own. She is an adult and she needs to figure out how to support herself. Do not get into a guilt trip.
Whatever it says in the divorce decree.
As little as possible. You don't owe her shit. The child, sure. You're not expected to be a good ex husband to a shitty ex-wife. Keep your self-respect
Obtain full custody of your kid. She can move back with her parents rent free, and PAY YOU child support. IF she earns 2k net a month. She needs to pay you, 50% of the medical insurance which the baby is under your name. That could be $100, And since her salary will be calculated, she will pay around $200-400 in child support. Place it ON PAPER, YOU ARE 50% RESPONSIBLE for paying: music lessons, athletic clubs, cheeleading outfits/gymnastics if your child is a girl. SHE NEEDS TO PAY THE OTHER 50%. DO THIS NOW OR ELSE, SHE WILL FIGHT YPU AND SAY "You never put anything down on our divorce papers, I'm not responsible ". SAME for a college fund. Put it on paper that she needs to put $50 a month for your child's college fund. Assuming your child is under 1 year old. By the time your kid graduates from high-school, he/she will have 10k. It may not be much, but it is something. And something is better than nothing. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GET JOINT. GET FULL CUSTODY BECAUSE THEN SHE WILL THINK OF YOU AS ANOTHER PAY CHECK AND CRY TO THE JUDGE $600 OF CHILD SUPPORT MONEY IS NOT ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY HER BILLS. That's the most fair way to present it after she made the decision to fuck up her marriage. And if she incurred debt under her own credit card, THAT IS HER RESPONSIBILITY NOT YOURS. Have your lawyer fight that for you.
She can stay with her friends or parents
Court ordered child support. Not a single cent more.
She cheated… yall are getting divorced… let the court determine child support if she’s to be the primary care giver for your child. Aside from that, you should not feel obligated. She should feel obligated to do better and be able to support herself. I’m an ex wife, didn’t cheat. I was the one who asked for the divorce (lots of reasons and I didn’t just quit when things got tough… it was needed and we’re both better for it). I left my ex husband the home we built together, did not even consider child support or alimony, and just moved on. Though he wasn’t happy about and did keep my car from me for almost a year… 😒.. short story it was in both of our names because we were young and I thought his name needed to be on the title since it was on the loan and I put his name on the loan with my name because I thought it would to help build his credit… so legally it was both of ours and he refused to let me have it back… Just pointing out that I’m not saying this as someone who just wants you to get revenge because she cheated… but with that considered… she’ll be fine. She found another man to support her physical needs, she’ll either figure it out on her own or she’ll find another man to support her financial needs… either way… her finances are no longer your circus unless you contributed to why she isn’t able to support herself. Did you financially abuse her? Did you insist on her being a stay at home mom and limit her ability to gain work experience or an education? Did you cause her trouble at previous jobs that would make it hard for her to get decent employment moving forward? Did you do anything that would harm her ability to be financially stable on her own? If no, move on and let her do the same. You’re only partially financially responsible for your child, not her anymore.
You feel obligated because your a decent person. However, you own nothing to her. Consider what is best for your child, which may be full custody with visitation once she's on her feet.
try to get sole custody your child deserves a good life
You support your child. Simple.
After the money she gets in the divorce other than child support you don’t owe her anything
According to your other post she announced she was leaving you for another man out of the blue, why are you wasting brain cells thinking about her. Her AP will be the next sucker supporting her. Just take care of your kid and I hope you have custody because otherwise she’ll be leveraging him.
What are you worried about helping your wife for? She had a good support system and destroyed it. Actions have consequences. Focus on your child.
You don't. You have NO obligation to do anything for her in any capacity, and DON'T let anyone tell you otherwise. You file for sole custody based on the fact that she can't support herself.
You want to be the good ex? Get full custody of the child and protect them like they're gold. Your soon to be ex cheated on you. She bought and paid for those consequences. The only thing she deserves is the receipt that the divorce will provide her.
She is the one that made a conscious decision to have an affair .. you owe her nothing !!! File for primary custody of your child . If this is how she is , who knows what type of guys she will have around ! This is what you owe to your child !!
You don't owe her anything other than what court says. Actions have consequences she's an adult she can figure it out
Your ex-wife is no longer your concern, the sooner you realize this the better your life will get.
Actions have consequences. Push for majority or full custody of your child. This will give her more time to get a second job, or higher paying job. This is not your burden to bare. The security and wellbeing of your child is.
let her find a man...worry about the kids