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out of 6 of my friends that did this (throughout my early 20’s, im 25 now)
-2 were periodically homeless while they found a new place and lost alot going for them (lost job, bad grades, etc)
- 3 couldn’t leave because they would be homeless so they had to stay in abusive relationships. (none of the relationships were abusive when they moved in)
- 1 got happily married and are still together. i am very close with them.
this is just my personal life but do what you want with that. it can work for some , but in my experience not for the majority.
They may be implying that she may be expected to pay/contribute in other ways which could run the spectrum from more chores to expectations of sex and possibly abuse... 5 months in person is not a long time to know the character of a person.
It is, if everything is fine for a couple of months. However, if it all goes wrong sooner she will be vulnerable. I would only do this if I had money saved up, at least a couple of grand.
Finding a hotel room is pretty easy. If she saves what would have been rent she should have a significant chunk of money to easily get a hotel (or air B&b) for a couple weeks (or longer) while securing permanent housing.
Having money creates options. Financially relying on someone with no backup plan or savings, is when you get yourself into trouble.
Don’t cut your support network should be added to your list. One of the risks is losing people who will give you the support you need to leave quickly in case of abuse.
It's not stupid. If she asks and he says no, then she will know if he's one of those "but it's MY apartment" types.
Tho she shouldn't ask she should state her needs and wants and he should state his and they should see if they are compatible.
Long as she saves up an emergency fund immediately, which she should be able to with no excuse.
She’s already been staying with him just not officially.
Just need a fund for if they break up and she has to move out.
Should be enough money to cover a Uhaul rental, and a storage unit either at Uhaul (if you get a truck some locations give you first month free) or other rental properties (Public storage has ongoing deals online for $1 the first month + fees), and then enough to be able to cover 2 months rent at a nearby apartment complex (stay in the know for prices and adjust savings accordingly).
My gf and I have had separate for 7 years, but only b/c her parents wouldn’t have supported moving in together. We’re essentially paying $$1900 a month to each have roomates and pest infestations. If we moved in together we could be each others roomates in a better place for less. (We plan to move in together this year when gf starts her career job) over the years we’ve lost out on being able to have an extra $57,000 in our own pockets instead of a second rent.
Here’s another useful insurance:
Communicate this fear to your boyfriend and ask him allow you to sign a lease with him. He can put $1 or whatever amount for the rent. So long as you send or pay him cash $1 every month you’re a renter, and protected in the event of an eviction. It would give you the time to explore your options, and not be homeless.
Finally, ensure boundaries are well communicated.
It’s also great that you have the opportunity to have your own separate space, that will allow y’all to avoid a lot of issues as you’re both able to retreat to your own spaces.
It’s basically a roommate situation, but you happen to actually like your roommate.
Don’t.
Context:
I’m 28. I might genuinely want a girlfriend to move in, and genuinely want it to be free. Feels warm and fuzzy to do something nice and also get to live with your girl.
However.
The reality is unless you’ve been together a long time and/or engaged/married, doing this puts you in a power dynamic you won’t enjoy if there’s ever a rocky patch. Even if he doesn’t intend to, it can become a silent resentment point if he ever thinks “wow she’s getting a free ride and still XYZ” in any context.
Yeah, I 150% agree that couples should only move if they truly want to live each other.
It’s hard to deescalate living together once it happens. There is no relationship I’ve seen where couples who move in for finances can then go back to individual living and then return to the mutual living arrangement when it is purely based on free choice and not financial burden.
It’s also hard bc then it places OP in a position to ignore potential conflicts because they may influence her housing. Also puts her partner in a place of potential unrealistic expectations around time together, domestic work, etc.
Even on a healthy couple level, being together in a 24/7 environment is a BIIIG transition. Couples deal with no longer having a private space to be themselves (ex: I love being ugly at home or being able to decompress on my own) and you may not be prepared to learn how your partner lives around the clock. Done at the right time, this can be a great way to level up a relationship. Done poorly, it’s an unsuccessful stress test.
Plus- when she moves in would she have equal right to changing the space to her comfort and needs?
I guess ultimately, OP will need to have a lot of planning discussions with herself and her partner if this is going to work.
>it places OP in a position to ignore potential conflicts because they may influence her housing.
I think this is the only issue with this idea. I wouldn't hold my tongue for the sake of living somewhere rent free but a lot of people would. OP just needs to decide if this is worth the risk
When I was in college I lived in dorms but spent most of my time at bf’s house. The first night there was “I’m not really feeling secs tonight.” And the “well you’re always here, eating my food, hanging out, you don’t have to pay anything.”
I didn’t have a car at the time so he would drive to the dorms pu/do. I literally got up and walked out into the snow and called my sisters. No freaking way am I being pimped for housing.
Yup. OP is either naive or unaware of the culture gap... that there is a good chance this guy will hold it over her head.
It's also why I won't let guys pay for my meals on dates. They also expect sex often. At least the older ones, not so much guys in their 20s. But guys 30+?? Hell yea
Like sir, even if I was a prostitute, you wouldn't be able to buy me for a $30 meal.
My sisters and I have a joke about that. There’s the side A menu and side B menu. If you’re not willing to do side A things after dinner. Make sure you’re ordering off side B. Is it terrible to say? Probably, but that’s how it’s been. You do something there’s expectations.
I wasn’t so much naïve. I’d say I was more booty blinded. 😅 He was 65! I was 20! I expected older men to have their sh_t together. They do not.
the risk of sex alone is worth way more than a little dinner at a restaurant. Men are funny, they think sex for a woman is the same fun it is for them.
I wasn’t “dating” him. I was dating him. I didn’t say it wasn’t relevant, it wouldn’t matter if he was 2 years older or 100. The fact that was where the arrow landed was the problem. If you’re interested in knowing we were together for four years. Like most relationships, there were the ups and downs. Then there were deal breakers. As such, the romantic relationship ties were severed. Still a check up on each other for birthday/holidays friends.
Yes context matters and is relevant. There ain’t NO WAY a 65 year old man looks at a 20 year old as a legit partner so you being victim to a creep is tragic but yes context matters when you are trying to compare.
Also also to add. We were legit partners. Four years, family involvement and entertaining. Practically living together, searched for new condos together, the one thing we most disagreed on was that I wasn’t ready/willing to get married. And of course the obvious problem I originally mentioned.
But now I ask myself. Why am I defending a relationship from damn near 10 years ago? Especially to a whole stranger on Reddit. 🤔 Not to speak badly of you at all. But it just occurred to me. I shouldn’t care about this so much…
I’m sorry for getting into this tussle. It’s late/early here and I think I was just a bit bored. I hope you have a good day/night whatever is appropriate. 🤝
Yeah I had a good friend whose a research scientist at Berkeley do this for his international student girlfriend, like almost this exact situation op is talking about. It lasted a year. Then they broke up and she moved out. He says they are truly in love but it was just too hard on the relationship, that she did nothing to contribute to what he already had. He doesn't take her seriously because of it. Resents her for moving on. Etc. He's said many times that having her rent free in his place so soon put a lot of unexpected pressure on the relationship, and it sounds like he was pretty hard on her about it. Unfortunately. It's just so unbalanced. It almost never works out.
Anecdotes are just anecdotes, but my fiance and I moved in together - him paying all bills - after 5 months together. Still love each other and have a wonderful relationship with no signs of resentment after 2 years. Not everyone will resent their partner for financial reasons.
My thoughts also. Any argument and she will be on the losing end because he will always be able to say, "But I'm letting you live here FOR FREE."
Turns out she has decided against this arrangement (she updated her post), which is a smart move.
I love the one comment made, in toto: "Nothing is free."
I would not do it. It is way too soon to be moving in with someone. Get an apartment with room mates. That’s usually cheaper than one on your own.
Nothing much in life is free. I would be concerned that he will expect you to do all the housework cooking etc as payment. Plus any time you have a disagreement he might use the fact that you live rent free as a reason to get his own way.
And he could kick you out at any time.
When you are studying you need security and stability. That means your own lease in your own place.
You read my mind. It's all "free" and fine until he gets upset and then it's being held over OPs head.
Also I don't think "saving money on rent" and convenience is a good reason to cohabitate. I think if you choose to move in with your lover/partner it should be bc you're ready to progress towards next steps of merging your lives together and bc you're in love and all that sappy stuff. Lol
Agreed.
Also OP wrote here because clearly something isn't feeling right to her. That's her intuition. We don't know this guy, but she does and she feels the need to ask strangers if she should take him up on living rent-free with him.
If she feels uneasy enough to ask the question, then to me that should be her answer.
Love that point. Didn't even think of it that way. I just know when I moved in with my partner of 9 months I was head over heels in love and looking forward to moving in. It worked for me. But I don't get that vibe from OPs post.
Exactly. I feel like OP is looking for reasons to not move in with him.
I can give her several. His age/station in life vs. hers, which puts her completely at his mercy. The fact that they've only really dated for 6 months (the 3 months LDR doesn't count) so she doesn't really know this dude. She's a foreign national and he's a US citizen, which leads me back to my first point about the uneven footing they're on.
Then OP will have a few months of rent money saved up, and would have the benefit of seeing boyfriend's true colors sooner rather than waste a few years living separate. It's win-win even if he's a problem.
it sounds like she’s moving in as a roommate along with others (although OP didn’t specify) but she does get her own room, so it’s not really a typical “move in with your partner” situation.
I’ll disagree that saving money on rent isn’t a good reason. When she has that money put aside she will be able to move out just fine if she needs to. She is looking for an alternate living situation. Either she moves into his spare room and saves a tonne of rent money, or she moves in as a roommate with strangers, which I would argue is more of a risk.
The pro is you don't have to pay rent.
The cons are he can throw you out at any moment if you break up and there's nothing you can do. It also might create an unhealthy power dynamic and he might hold it over your head that you're living with him rent free. Even though he's offering it, he might become resentful about it and feel like you're taking advantage if there's ever any issues or fights between you (which wouldn't really be fair of him, but it's a point to consider). He may also expect you to take on a larger share of chores, cooking, etc. if you aren't paying rent.
I would not move in with him without some sort of contract in place or something in writing that you're a tenant. That way you won't be out on the streets if you break up. And if it's necessary that you pay something to do that, you can agree to a cheaper or reduced rent if he doesn't want you to pay.
I’d argue that as long as she has a proper contingency plan (backup place she knows is available she can afford) him doing anything you mentioned would be a pro. It would sure fast track finding out if this guy is actually a POS who would use this as leverage. Could save her years of wasted time.
Seems like she has a decent grasp of who he is right now.
I would absolutely not advise you moving in with him. If you are in an international program I will take the leap that you are also not a citizen of the US. If you break up which statistically a 20 year old with a 27 year old will have massive issues with lifestyle and goals and where you are in life. You won't have a place to move back into because you will not be getting that dorm back and likely you might lose your education altogether depending upon the stipulations of your program. Also I know the international dorm in my college had limited space. Its a really really bad idea to make any decisions that will make your college years more unstable if you have the choice. He can wait until you graduate.
And if the dorms are unaffordable, OP might find an apartment for cheaper. My son graduated from University in 2022, just for time context, and his dorms were more expensive than renting an apartment.
Yup, student housing is a price gouge by colleges, not to mention a lot of young students don't have the means or the resources to secure their own housing in an area their not familiar with.
Alright, there are some comments about your ages that I somewhat agree and somewhat disagree with.
At 20 and 27, you’re in different stages in your life, and that age gap has the possibility of leading to an unhealthy power dynamic. In order to avoid that, you should avoid getting into a situation where you are dependent on him, especially when you are still this early in a relationship.
Don’t move in with anyone at only 8 months and don’t move in with someone who could hold the fact that you’re living rent free over your head to get what he wants.
It’s also super important how he reacts if/when she says “I’m not comfortable taking that step, I want to stay more independent at this stage in our relationship.”
If he says something like “you’re right, I should have considered that moving in might put you in a weird position,” that’s fine. If he gets all weird about how he’s just trying to help and she should really trust him, that’s a great sign she should actually not trust him
I always get red flags when a dude wants to date someone significantly younger than them. 7 years isn’t a huge difference but we are also talking about a fully grown man with significantly more life experience wanting a barely out of high school girl to live with him. You can’t even legally drink.
8 months but only 5 months in person. Red flag.
You’re an international student and probably don’t have a lot of family support nearby. Red flag.
He’s going to let you live rent free? Red flag. You become financially dependent on him.
Maybe he’s a perfectly wonderful man, but this looks like trouble to me.
I totally agree. There are no freebies in a relationship. He's going to be getting something out of this arrangement. He's going to ask many things of you and as a college student you are not prepared to participate in the juggling act.
Get your own place. It will be worth it.
yes, this! the age gap is significant because she's barely out of high school and is learning to adult. He's passed that stage and moved on to the next stage in life, so they just aren't at the same level of maturity. College students can always find other students to room with, I certainly shared with other students back in the day. Staying with this older fellow may isolate her somewhat from her classmates. How would she tell him that she wants to go to a frat/sorority party with her female friends on Friday night??? Or to the football game where students get in free? (not sure if that's still a thing). He might want to go to the local bar, and she might be too young to get in. Too many reddit stories with people regretting all the stuff they didn't do in their early 20's because they immediately got into a serious relationship and settled down. He's old enough to settle down but she isn't.
Anyone that has ever been in an abusive relationship will be frightened for you based on this post.
Does that mean he's abusive? No.
But if he is, you'll be trapped with nowhere to go and no local support.
Again, I'm not saying he's going to end up abusive.
The red flags I see are:
-8 months, 3 of those long distance.
-He's 7 years older at ages where that creates a power imbalance
- he's being super nice and you've gotten along really well. Don't move in with a partner until you've seen how they handle conflict
- he'd have financial and housing security to hold over you, another power imbalance
Try telling him no, you aren't comfortable giving up your own space yet.
The only right answer to that statement is "ok" or something equally accepting.
Absolutely not. You only know eachother for 8 months. Do you trust him enough already? And what will happen if the relationship ends and you have no place to stay?
No. Don't live with him yet.
If he's wonderful and you two eventually get married, then you've only spent some money (on rent elsewhere) making sure you are compatible.
If he's controlling and makes you unhappy you'll be free to break up with him without being trapped in a bad living situation.
You are new to where you live. You need to make acquaintances and friends and expand your social and career network. You can't do that if you spend too much time with only one person.
I personally wouldn't do this just because if the worst happens you won't have a place to go. Stay on campus, keep dating and after another year if everything is going well then consider moving in.
Eta paying for a dorm I PROMISE is less expensive emotionally and financially then if you got kicked out/he ended up being a bad match and you are stuck.
You’ve only known him for five months. I know that you’ll be reluctant to believe this, but talking online and the phone isn’t knowing someone.
When we’re young and bright-eyed, we think they’re the same thing. They’re not.
No one can tell you whether this is a good decision, especially given how little information you’ve written here.
Is he kind? Always?
Does he do anything repetitive that he has to apologize for, and hasn’t learned yet to just not do that thing?
How does he treat people who have nothing to offer him?
Does he have many vices?
Do you know how all of his past relationships ended?
What’s his relationship like with his parents? His family?
What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to him? The best?
Is he protective? How protective?
Does he respect boundaries, like not walking in to the bathroom when you’re showering, kind of little mundane things on a daily basis? (That’s something that wouldn’t bother me, but it bothers some people, and the people it doesn’t bother have a hard time understanding that.)
When you fight, what is it typically about?
When you disagree on something, (different from arguing) what is it generally about?
How does he deal with crises?
Have you ever traveled anywhere with him?
These aren’t a complete picture, but they’re contributors to one. You don’t need to answer them here, but I think if you’re really honest with yourself, these are the kinds of things that indicate similar or differing life views.
This makes you too vulnerable. It has only been 8 months and if something gets bad, you wouldn't have a safe place to go, particularly as an international student.
As long has you have get-out-quick money (enough to get a whole new apt without having to starve over it), then I'd say...
Better to find out now that you can't live together than to find out five years down the line.
Moving in together too soon can set you up for failure, though. You don’t have the relationship foundation to navigate the challenges of moving in together.
The cons? If you break up, he can kick you out and you won't exactly have time to look for a new place.
When I was in college one of my classmates and her boyfriend had an apartment together. They broke up, she had nowhere to go and ended up quitting school to move back home (7ish hours away).
I have no idea if she ever went back to college or where she is now. But her life could have been way different if she hadn't moved in with him when she had no family in the area to help her if things go wrong.
Well if you are really going to take people's comments under serious consideration... I will throw in my two cents.
I would not recommend you move in with him at this point. You would be much better off renting your own digs.
My thinking is it would put you at a huge disadvantage if you needed to breakup. Having your own place gives you the power to stand your ground if you need to. I would expect someone that much older might prey on younger women because they are easier to manipulate. Having your own pad gives you power
I’m 38f. I definitely think you should not do this. You’re too young to be living with a man, especially when you have only been together a short time. You also need a contract to protect you, or he could throw you out and make you homeless at any time with no notice. I’m sure he’s just trying to be helpful, but you should hope for the best and plan for the worst, and only live in housing where you have some legal rights.
Yeah no. In the process of reaching this big age I have learned… men only want the best for you if you’re theirs. Once the relationship breaks down they will leave you with nowhere to go after you’ve spent all your money paying the bills. Also 8 months is too fast. Gives major love bombing vibes.
I know you get along well right now. But in a year, you never know. With my ex-fiancée, the first one, one and a half year, we got along famously that I was thinking we should definitely move in together. My ex was the one who insisted separate dwellings, now I'm glad that we never moved in together despite it all because year 2 until 6, it was NOT good and my study suffered a great deal due to that mess.
My point being, if you are insistent on moving in together, you need to have a backup plan just in case you break up for any reason (even just a 'break'). Because it'll put you in a vulnerable state.
Imo, do not move in together. Rent a room or something akin to that, but have your own space.
This makes you entirely dependent on him for housing. What if you break up and he kicks you out? If I were you, while you so spend most of your time there, I would still get your own place and explain to him you think it's too early in the relationship to move in together. As the relationship progresses and more time passes, I'd recommend a year (the amount of time on your lease if you get a place) then if you're still together and you are more comfortable with the idea, then move in with him, but keep enough money set aside just in case you have to move quickly. I've seen too many women get "trapped" in a relationship by becoming financially dependent on a boyfriend too early on. Keep yourself financially independent until you're very secure and sure about this relationship
Nothing in life is free. You will end up paying in other ways than cash. Look for your own place. If this relationship grows over time you can always move in at a later date.
Right now, you need your housing to be secure. Once you’re in his apartment you will be at his mercy. What happens if you all have an argument and he throws you out?
What if something happens to him or his job would you be able to cover the rent?
If your housing is tied to the relationship what happens if you decide you want to leave the relationship.
Add up the cost of your meal plan and other on campus benefits and see if getting an apartment would really be cheaper. If it is cheaper get your own place.
My advice would be to take the offer but use the time to save money, do things that continue to keep your independence so you can continue to support yourself or if anything backlashes
The cons... if you get into an argument, you could be homeless any minute. Don't tell yourself that he wouldn't do that, because there's so much that you don't know about him. Be frugal and have security. Best of luck!
Statistically, you have a high chance of becoming pregnant within the first year of living together. If you choose to live with him, you need to have a plan in case things go bad. You are especially vulnerable since you aren’t a us citizen and you’re younger than he is.
I'm very very glad to see that you ended up renting your own place. Never move in with a man unless you're married because once he cheats or you break up for whatever reason, you're suddenly either homeless or stuck in a house with someone you don't like while trying to get your own place.
The risks are not worth it.
You've only known him 5 months in person (3 months long distance)
I think that's not enough time to really judge his character. Right now, both you and he may be caught up in the whirlwind of a new romance and all the fuzzy feelings.
It's too soon to judge whether he is a safe person to live with.
Also, I am concerned when you say you don't have anyone else to talk to about this? Do you have female friends on campus? If not I would suggest that you spend a little less time with your boyfriend and a little more time building up other relationships. I worry that you may be a bit isolated.
Am I the only one who finds it odd for a 27 year old male to date a 20 year old female? Just seems like a big difference in maturity for age- despite this 20 year old does sound mature. I am just weary….For all we know they could’ve started dating when she was 19 and he was 26….yikes.
This is just my experience, but my boyfriend and I essentially moved in together one month into dating (I had my own place and paid my rent, but was there less than one day a month), and officially moved in together after six months of dating. I love this man, I am almost certain we will spend the rest of our lives together, he treats me like a princess.
If he's letting you live rent free, then you'll have money saved up in case he kicks you out.
That being said- you said that you pretty much live there, but how much is pretty much? Before my boyfriend and I officially moved in together, my stuff was already at his place, I did laundry at his place, I had my own toiletries, we did house chores together, I bought groceries for his place, etc. Plus, we had already gotten sick together, I had seen him throw up, I had seen him have bad days, good days, and everything in between.
Ask how you will split the finances- you said rent free, but does he expect you to contribute to utilities or food? How does he expect you to contribute to household chores? Ask these things before seriously considering moving in.
Redditors take pleasure in casually throwing out "no", I think the anonymity factor makes them feel empowered whereas in real life they are likely conflict-avoidant and tend to say "yes" frequently in that pursuit. And redditors loooove to hate an age gap relationship, as you can see even though 20f/27m is completely acceptable. Really how you should make a decision here is to make a pros & cons list yourself and get feedback from one or a small few of your closest friends/family if the list doesn't settle things for you.
Trust your gut. You couldn't possibly give us enough insight into the workings of your relationship with this guy for any one here to give you a valid answer to your dilemma. But, because it's fun to be an advisor, lol, I say go for it *but* only with a plan b/safety net in case it doesn't work out. Opportunities to save $ like this don't come up often and if your relationship is solid and you trust him at 8mo then giving it a shot isn't a crazy move.
this arrangement is far more common than you think. it seems like a lot of young women bounce around between their boyfriend's place, their parent's house and a friend's couch.
but i think it would be better if you split rent on an apartment with one of your friends. or rented a room in a house with roommates.
I wouldn't I would concentrate on school plus he's 7 years older so you're vastly different places in your life right now. He could be just looking for someone to knock up and become their servant.
I’ve moved in with two partners at 6 months and 3 months respectively. First one turned out to be a 6.5 year relationship and I’m getting married to the second.
When you know, you know. There’s no time constraints. Go with your gut.
My girlfriend got her own place after 2 months and I basically lived in. I kept my own place but basically lived at hers. After 6 months I gave up my place because it was a waste. I’m still a little hesitant sometimes but it’s been 25 years so I’m starting to thinks it’s ok….
It can be quick but you could try it. You’ll want to think about an exit strategy toot can act on quick.
If you want to do it, I would request to be added to/ given a lease agreement. Even if the rent is 100 a month you have a contract saying he can’t just kick you out.
Need to have a blunt convo about the possibility if you break up in the future….needs to be an understanding that you’ll have 30-60 days to find a new place to live.
It is super great financially but I’ve seen where with this age gap and this scenario go poorly. Have a backup. This could also be a way for you to have to rely on him and can’t leave
I “practically” lived in my now husbands dorm when we were dating in college, starting at just a few months. I slept there every night and spent all my time there. It was nice to spend the time with him. But I had my own place to come back to if I needed a break, and as a second backup, could always go to my parents house 40 min away. That was important. We moved out of dorms into our own place after 2 years together. It’s all worked out, we got married, we love eachother and I trust him unconditionally. I’ve covered him when he couldn’t work and he recently covered me when I couldn’t. But those first year-2 years when we were really young I’m glad I had a backup even tho I was so in love with him. If you have any other options I would keep them open, just for your own sanity
There isn’t a lot of information regarding your boyfriend’s demeanor here. I would say that this situation leaves you incredibly vulnerable. If you’re not paying rent, what happens when you break up? Will he expect that you start paying rent or leave? Will he hold your rent-free life over your head? Will he expect that you cook and clean and do “house wife” duties in exchange for him “saving you the cost of housing”?
Personally, if I’m moving in with a partner and am unsure, I should insist on paying half of rent and utilities because I will never allow someone to dictate my living situation.
I think it’s a bad idea. I think you’ve only had six months actually together that’s well within the honeymoon phase. I think going straight into living together presents a multitude of challenges and you don’t really know this person yet.
No. Make sure you don’t agree with anything that he can dangle over you. Also, you’re an international student and that’s another reason I find this offer weird. Maybe it’s me but there are a lot of cons with this.
Why not tell him that you would like to take him up on his offer for exactly 3 months. 90 days, and then you get your own place. That way, you can save money, really get to know him on a different level than possible without living together, and you already know how it’s going to end so there’s no fear going in?
Take the room. I moved in with my now-husband after 3 months and we’ve been together for 7 and married for 4+. There is no minimum if you get along really well.
Also girl… shit is free! You will save so much money, even if it doesn’t work out. Go for it. The worst that could happen is you’re rich and need to find a new place in a pinch, which will be doable with all your extra money. Very little downside unless he’s dangerous or something. If he has a kind heart, go for it!!
I wouldn’t have him put me on the lease. If you are on the lease and you break up and leave you are still legally on the hook for the rent. Just save money and have a contingency plan for where to go if you break up. Also, you spend almost every night there so it would be a lot more convenient to just move in. And living together is the best way to know if you are compatible long term. Just do NOT become pregnant until you have finished school and have a job and never ever become a SAHM unless you are married, so you don’t get screwed financially if you break up.
NOOO, don’t do it!!!
You have NO backup. If the relationship falls apart, it would be EXCRUCIATING to live there — that’s if he didn’t KICK YOU OUT first!
For him this is PUSSY ON TAP.
Glad you listened to the advice and are MAINTAINING YOUR INDEPENDENCE!! Now you have AUTONOMY and are not subject to someone else’s WHIM.
probably don’t do it.
i’m 21M, 2 years ago i let my partner move in rent free because he’s a student with zero work experience.
2 years later and it’s definitely been a huge point of stress in our relationship. he’s now an unpaid intern and about 2 months away from finally being able to help out with the costs, but jesus christ. we came close to breaking up a couple times and i’ve had a couple nights where i’ve cried myself to sleep or cried to him because even when i feel confident about our financial situation, there’s no money left to save, or go on dates, or replace broken shit.
the only reason we never broke up in the past is because his family refused to let him stay with them if we broke up, and he has zero money. i felt responsible for not letting him become homeless.
thankfully i do actually love him despite the financial horrors, and deadass i’m so fucking excited for him to be working full time.
Ehh, I always think couples should go on vacation or some kind of small travel together. It really helps you get to know eachother on a different level and might help you make a decision about whether or not you WANT to live with him.
There are tons of posts on here, but I could point you to say don’t do this. Wild your relationship is good new it’ll seem wonderful then one of two things will happen. Your boyfriend will get tired of it. He will get tired of taking care of everything.
Or you will feel trapped you’ll feel like your life isn’t going anywhere and you’re bored and you’re trapped.
If you have a good relationship, you do it like adults you make a budget based on income what you can contribute it’ll be more fair in the long run you’ll feel better because you can live out your dreams and he’ll feel better because he won’t be taken care of another adult. He will have a partner And the relationship will grow because of that.
Don’t do it! You are in different places in your life. You are still in school. He is much older than you at this stage. If you were say 23 even and out of college that would be more equal. Get roommates staying your dorm, whatever and do not live with him. Experience the world a bit.
Nopenopenope. Being in a relationship where you are financially dependent on the other person is a breeding ground for abuse. Especially with him being older you'd be in a very vulnerable position. I wouldn't do it at least until you have a solid exit plan that you can execute as soon as/if things start getting weird
Don't do this. You're better off getting your own place.
Best case scenario:you guys get married and live a full and happy life together
Worst case scenario: he's abusive, you end up homeless or even worse than that
There really is no risk, when you are 20. We are not talking marriage, children and giving up studies. . You can just move out again, if it doesn't work out and save up the rent money as long as it does.
It depends. Just make sure you have an exit strategy. Can you move out quickly if you break up? Can you stay with a friend or parent when things go south? If not; wait a little longer. Go live on your own first and just spend a lot of time together.
If you do have those exit plans, you could try it out because if it doesn't work, you always have a back up.
My gf lived with me before she was even my gf lol. We're on our 7th year. If it's gonna work it's gonna work. The fact you can live rent free should be more than enough to realize you won't have to worry much finding a place if you break up because you'll have money saved eh? Sounds like you're level of commitment does not match his. You're there every day but living with him is different? I feel bad for him tbh. Just tell him he's not your forever person and let him find someone who wants to build a life with him
You're 20 and hes 27, it's only been 8 months, being an international student I would imagine you don't have much support (if any nearby. This is not a recipe for success. In fact, it's a recipe for abuse.
You'll be dependant on him. He's already weird for being so much older than you when you're only 20, and you know what, it should be a red flag in itself that after only 8 months he's jumping to wanting to move in together, but given the rest of the details, it should be a no.
Why rush things? Keep dating, if things work out, maybe in the future the offer will still be on the table or you can find a place together, but I wouldn't jump feet in under these circumstances. Better be careful than sorry.
My friend married a gut after 6 months, we all warned her it was a big mistake but it's still going.
8 months isn't too short to live together and because school you always have the backup of going back to dorms
I don’t think the amount of time dating is the issue, I think it’s the rent-free part.
My bf and I have been together for a year and a half, living together for a year. We moved in together around 3 months, and it just works for us. Every day it’s like living with my best friend and we never argue.
But we have an income-based split on rent. Rent-free seems too vulnerable, you’re pretty much at his mercy
i’m 20 dating a 29 year old. in the beginning of our relationship he told me i could move in but when we argue when i spend the night he’s always like leave my place!!! so don’t move in with this man unless you have a back up plan lol..
Just read through all the posts on here: all the people (mostly women) who feel STUCK in a horrible relationship because they have no where else to live.
Reddit it weird. This is a completely normal thing to do after 8 months but everyone keeps assuming the boyfriend is controlling/abusive/whatever, forgetting the fact she can simply move out if it doesn't work out between them. Terrible advice here
This could turn out fine. I wouldn’t hate on him for no reason. However, there is always a risk when you give up your personal power or there is a power dynamic.
If you intend to do so, ensure that you have a back up plan in case things go wrong. Some people will tell you to find roommates but if you do that, you'll end up living with strangers. At the very least you've known your boyfriend coming up on a year. I would say go for it. You're already staying there nearly every night as it is. Have enough money set to the side to rent another place if things go bad.
Do not do this. 7 year age gap at your age is concerning btw and then having you move in in under a year? Red flag central as it gives him financial power over you. Stay in the relationship if you want and there aren't other red flags but definitely do not move in with il until you are financially stable and able to equally contribute.
If your relationship is strong enough for you to be living with him, it’s strong enough for you to wait until you’re graduated.
College is the time to set yourself up for the rest of your life. Part of that is making connections to your classmates. Even if your boyfriend is 100% tried and true, did you seriously come to the United States to be tied down to some grown ass man?
If you wouldn’t willingly move in with him and split the rent, you shouldn’t be staying with him for free. You’re too focused on the financial side without thinking about all of the risks and responsibilities you’ll likely be expected to juggle as his live-in.
The short answer is NO. too soon, to large an age gap. Your life does not mesh yet. (School student vs long term employed person). Give it at least 18 months.
In the US you are not even able to buy a drink yet. Give yourself time to party a little, hang out with school chums,
Communicate, tell him yes but I need to feel secure. What would happen if we get in a fight and ask what that might look.like
If he sounds convi then yes do it. However offer to buy food, also make sure you have a backup plan in case of emergency.
Truly don’t do it. You really don’t know this person. Don’t get locked into a lease with him. Is there no FRIENDS you can room with. He’s seven years older than you, as well as why are you trying to be in any relationship right now?
This time is about YOU and you coming into your own person, learning to be an independent INDIVIDUAL, and reaching your own goals and establishing yourself ON YOUR OWN.
Why are you young people tying yourself down so early like you are gonna die tomorrow. You are there to get an education and get yourself your own things. Not to depend on someone you don’t know and have to spend your free time trying to be considerate of him instead of having an actual life.
Go get a hobby or get another job make more money and save, you have your whole adult life to date and be locked in with someone. Be free and find YOU.
Just make sure you have money saved and offer to pay small bills.
If you are comfy with him go ahead and move forwarded.
It is different living with people
My advice in these situations always boils down to, what would happen if you guys broke up? It sounds like you could go find a new lease somewhere else pretty easily and you wouldn't be stuck living in a toxic situation. I think you'll be fine and this is hopefully a fun and exciting new chapter in the relationship.
If you have a viable plan for a place to live if y’all break up, then I don’t see why not. You don’t want to be stranded without a place to live by moving in with a boyfriend of 8 months.
Personally I think early 18-23 are - vital toke to learn how to live on your own.
I don’t mean being single. I mean affording an apartment, budgeting, learning how to take care of and run an household, how to rent, etc.
It’s not uncommon to see people who never went through this growth period, later struggle when they go through some form of separation (break up, long distance, death, etc.).
Just my 2 cents. Can still date him, but don’t lose your opportunity to learn how to be independent at this early stage in your life
If you are dating it should be a view to potentially getting married in the future otherwise you are wasting time.... if you can see that as a possibility then go ahead... maybe suggest paying a small amount in rent when you are more financially able... but he wants you there so in his mind he views you as a long term partner.... sometimes we need to take the jump and who knows you could end up getting married....
You’re at the end of the semester now. Make sure you’re on the on-campus housing list for fall (you can always cancel by a certain date) and give it a try over the summer. It sounds like you’ll have your own room and if it makes you feel better, you can pitch in some for rent or buy more than half of the groceries. I have a daughter graduating college this weekend and that on campus housing is very expensive! Even if you paid rent, you’d still be saving money.
Take the free room but pretend like you’re paying rent and bills. Put that money aside so that you have enough for a deposit somewhere else if things don’t go well—that’s the most important part of this.
Have you made any friends while you’ve been studying? While it might not seem that important, try hard to socialise with other people at school, especially on your course. I had a long distance boyfriend in my first year of uni and it really hindered that making friend period for me. A lot of these people might be your friends for life. It’s always good to have a social circle or at least a few good friends outside your relationship. Not just so you’re not spending all your time with bf at home (which can be a bit much at this stage) but so you have other things to talk about, other people to rely on and study with, and people on your course to help you out if you’re sick/fall behind. It’s also good to have someone to talk to about your relationship to get some perspective. That’s really important too.
I will also add that when I was your age I moved in with a few people at uni and one of them was a 27 year old guy. I fell *hard*. I know people always talk about the age gap, but it really is more apparent the younger you are. I always thought I was in control, but I wasn’t. He was generally a good guy but I really went along with much of what he suggested and I’d do things a lot differently this time. I’m not telling you not to do it, I’m just saying be aware of it and try to make sure you have friends and a support system (as well as that emergency money) just incase you need to get some distance.
What exactly is the living situation? Is it him and a few male roommates?
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The con would be if you break up and he kicks you out. Do you have a plan for what you would do if that happens?
I second this. Way too vulnerable
You can save up rent money if he kicks you out. Not paying rent is significant.
Right, just take what you would've paid in rent and save it. It's a good plan anyway. Take the free shit. Always take the free shit
out of 6 of my friends that did this (throughout my early 20’s, im 25 now) -2 were periodically homeless while they found a new place and lost alot going for them (lost job, bad grades, etc) - 3 couldn’t leave because they would be homeless so they had to stay in abusive relationships. (none of the relationships were abusive when they moved in) - 1 got happily married and are still together. i am very close with them. this is just my personal life but do what you want with that. it can work for some , but in my experience not for the majority.
Shit happens. Relationships suck. Save for 2 months then you're in the clear. First and last month's rent.
#1/6 that's not great odds!
Nothing is free
She is the product!
How so in this context
They may be implying that she may be expected to pay/contribute in other ways which could run the spectrum from more chores to expectations of sex and possibly abuse... 5 months in person is not a long time to know the character of a person.
That's not true. That's just simply not true.
Are you kidding? OP is still in school. She may want to travel or work in the uk. She is not ready.
It is, if everything is fine for a couple of months. However, if it all goes wrong sooner she will be vulnerable. I would only do this if I had money saved up, at least a couple of grand.
But finding housing quickly can be very difficult especially with no proof of job.
Finding a hotel room is pretty easy. If she saves what would have been rent she should have a significant chunk of money to easily get a hotel (or air B&b) for a couple weeks (or longer) while securing permanent housing. Having money creates options. Financially relying on someone with no backup plan or savings, is when you get yourself into trouble.
Yes. You’d save a hell of a lot not having to pay everything, just food and Wi-Fi - 8 months is fine to move in with someone
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Don’t cut your support network should be added to your list. One of the risks is losing people who will give you the support you need to leave quickly in case of abuse.
one of the best answers tbh
R u kidding? “Will I have my own room? Can I have guests over? They are LOVERS! It’s a relationship! She’s asking if it’s cool to bang him for rent?
It's not stupid. If she asks and he says no, then she will know if he's one of those "but it's MY apartment" types. Tho she shouldn't ask she should state her needs and wants and he should state his and they should see if they are compatible.
Read it again. He told her she can have the extra bedroom in the house.
Ya I see your point on that one, It is kinda stupid when you think about it.
Long as she saves up an emergency fund immediately, which she should be able to with no excuse. She’s already been staying with him just not officially. Just need a fund for if they break up and she has to move out. Should be enough money to cover a Uhaul rental, and a storage unit either at Uhaul (if you get a truck some locations give you first month free) or other rental properties (Public storage has ongoing deals online for $1 the first month + fees), and then enough to be able to cover 2 months rent at a nearby apartment complex (stay in the know for prices and adjust savings accordingly). My gf and I have had separate for 7 years, but only b/c her parents wouldn’t have supported moving in together. We’re essentially paying $$1900 a month to each have roomates and pest infestations. If we moved in together we could be each others roomates in a better place for less. (We plan to move in together this year when gf starts her career job) over the years we’ve lost out on being able to have an extra $57,000 in our own pockets instead of a second rent. Here’s another useful insurance: Communicate this fear to your boyfriend and ask him allow you to sign a lease with him. He can put $1 or whatever amount for the rent. So long as you send or pay him cash $1 every month you’re a renter, and protected in the event of an eviction. It would give you the time to explore your options, and not be homeless. Finally, ensure boundaries are well communicated. It’s also great that you have the opportunity to have your own separate space, that will allow y’all to avoid a lot of issues as you’re both able to retreat to your own spaces. It’s basically a roommate situation, but you happen to actually like your roommate.
Its not so easy finding emergency housing these days. Especially without a job/ proof of income.
Good advice!
Don’t. Context: I’m 28. I might genuinely want a girlfriend to move in, and genuinely want it to be free. Feels warm and fuzzy to do something nice and also get to live with your girl. However. The reality is unless you’ve been together a long time and/or engaged/married, doing this puts you in a power dynamic you won’t enjoy if there’s ever a rocky patch. Even if he doesn’t intend to, it can become a silent resentment point if he ever thinks “wow she’s getting a free ride and still XYZ” in any context.
Yeah, I 150% agree that couples should only move if they truly want to live each other. It’s hard to deescalate living together once it happens. There is no relationship I’ve seen where couples who move in for finances can then go back to individual living and then return to the mutual living arrangement when it is purely based on free choice and not financial burden. It’s also hard bc then it places OP in a position to ignore potential conflicts because they may influence her housing. Also puts her partner in a place of potential unrealistic expectations around time together, domestic work, etc. Even on a healthy couple level, being together in a 24/7 environment is a BIIIG transition. Couples deal with no longer having a private space to be themselves (ex: I love being ugly at home or being able to decompress on my own) and you may not be prepared to learn how your partner lives around the clock. Done at the right time, this can be a great way to level up a relationship. Done poorly, it’s an unsuccessful stress test. Plus- when she moves in would she have equal right to changing the space to her comfort and needs? I guess ultimately, OP will need to have a lot of planning discussions with herself and her partner if this is going to work.
>it places OP in a position to ignore potential conflicts because they may influence her housing. I think this is the only issue with this idea. I wouldn't hold my tongue for the sake of living somewhere rent free but a lot of people would. OP just needs to decide if this is worth the risk
Yup. All it takes is a few arguments and he will say "well I'm the one paying the rent, so your opinion doesn't matter"
When I was in college I lived in dorms but spent most of my time at bf’s house. The first night there was “I’m not really feeling secs tonight.” And the “well you’re always here, eating my food, hanging out, you don’t have to pay anything.” I didn’t have a car at the time so he would drive to the dorms pu/do. I literally got up and walked out into the snow and called my sisters. No freaking way am I being pimped for housing.
Yup. OP is either naive or unaware of the culture gap... that there is a good chance this guy will hold it over her head. It's also why I won't let guys pay for my meals on dates. They also expect sex often. At least the older ones, not so much guys in their 20s. But guys 30+?? Hell yea Like sir, even if I was a prostitute, you wouldn't be able to buy me for a $30 meal.
I don't even let men buy me drinks, for that exact reason. They do it with an expectation of something and get pissy when I don't play along.
My sisters and I have a joke about that. There’s the side A menu and side B menu. If you’re not willing to do side A things after dinner. Make sure you’re ordering off side B. Is it terrible to say? Probably, but that’s how it’s been. You do something there’s expectations. I wasn’t so much naïve. I’d say I was more booty blinded. 😅 He was 65! I was 20! I expected older men to have their sh_t together. They do not.
Sorry you’re bf was 65 when you were 20???
the risk of sex alone is worth way more than a little dinner at a restaurant. Men are funny, they think sex for a woman is the same fun it is for them.
You were “dating” someone 45 years older than you and don’t think that’s relevant to this story? Yes of course that is how that would end up.
I wasn’t “dating” him. I was dating him. I didn’t say it wasn’t relevant, it wouldn’t matter if he was 2 years older or 100. The fact that was where the arrow landed was the problem. If you’re interested in knowing we were together for four years. Like most relationships, there were the ups and downs. Then there were deal breakers. As such, the romantic relationship ties were severed. Still a check up on each other for birthday/holidays friends.
Yes context matters and is relevant. There ain’t NO WAY a 65 year old man looks at a 20 year old as a legit partner so you being victim to a creep is tragic but yes context matters when you are trying to compare.
Also also to add. We were legit partners. Four years, family involvement and entertaining. Practically living together, searched for new condos together, the one thing we most disagreed on was that I wasn’t ready/willing to get married. And of course the obvious problem I originally mentioned. But now I ask myself. Why am I defending a relationship from damn near 10 years ago? Especially to a whole stranger on Reddit. 🤔 Not to speak badly of you at all. But it just occurred to me. I shouldn’t care about this so much… I’m sorry for getting into this tussle. It’s late/early here and I think I was just a bit bored. I hope you have a good day/night whatever is appropriate. 🤝
Yeah I had a good friend whose a research scientist at Berkeley do this for his international student girlfriend, like almost this exact situation op is talking about. It lasted a year. Then they broke up and she moved out. He says they are truly in love but it was just too hard on the relationship, that she did nothing to contribute to what he already had. He doesn't take her seriously because of it. Resents her for moving on. Etc. He's said many times that having her rent free in his place so soon put a lot of unexpected pressure on the relationship, and it sounds like he was pretty hard on her about it. Unfortunately. It's just so unbalanced. It almost never works out.
Anecdotes are just anecdotes, but my fiance and I moved in together - him paying all bills - after 5 months together. Still love each other and have a wonderful relationship with no signs of resentment after 2 years. Not everyone will resent their partner for financial reasons.
My thoughts also. Any argument and she will be on the losing end because he will always be able to say, "But I'm letting you live here FOR FREE." Turns out she has decided against this arrangement (she updated her post), which is a smart move. I love the one comment made, in toto: "Nothing is free."
Maybe, maybe not. But I married the old man after I knew him for 30 days so maybe I’m not the one to ask.
I would not do it. It is way too soon to be moving in with someone. Get an apartment with room mates. That’s usually cheaper than one on your own. Nothing much in life is free. I would be concerned that he will expect you to do all the housework cooking etc as payment. Plus any time you have a disagreement he might use the fact that you live rent free as a reason to get his own way. And he could kick you out at any time. When you are studying you need security and stability. That means your own lease in your own place.
You read my mind. It's all "free" and fine until he gets upset and then it's being held over OPs head. Also I don't think "saving money on rent" and convenience is a good reason to cohabitate. I think if you choose to move in with your lover/partner it should be bc you're ready to progress towards next steps of merging your lives together and bc you're in love and all that sappy stuff. Lol
Agreed. Also OP wrote here because clearly something isn't feeling right to her. That's her intuition. We don't know this guy, but she does and she feels the need to ask strangers if she should take him up on living rent-free with him. If she feels uneasy enough to ask the question, then to me that should be her answer.
Love that point. Didn't even think of it that way. I just know when I moved in with my partner of 9 months I was head over heels in love and looking forward to moving in. It worked for me. But I don't get that vibe from OPs post.
Exactly. I feel like OP is looking for reasons to not move in with him. I can give her several. His age/station in life vs. hers, which puts her completely at his mercy. The fact that they've only really dated for 6 months (the 3 months LDR doesn't count) so she doesn't really know this dude. She's a foreign national and he's a US citizen, which leads me back to my first point about the uneven footing they're on.
not to mention there is a legal disadvantage too, just based off their status.
Then OP will have a few months of rent money saved up, and would have the benefit of seeing boyfriend's true colors sooner rather than waste a few years living separate. It's win-win even if he's a problem.
it sounds like she’s moving in as a roommate along with others (although OP didn’t specify) but she does get her own room, so it’s not really a typical “move in with your partner” situation. I’ll disagree that saving money on rent isn’t a good reason. When she has that money put aside she will be able to move out just fine if she needs to. She is looking for an alternate living situation. Either she moves into his spare room and saves a tonne of rent money, or she moves in as a roommate with strangers, which I would argue is more of a risk.
This right here, especially with the age gap.
The pro is you don't have to pay rent. The cons are he can throw you out at any moment if you break up and there's nothing you can do. It also might create an unhealthy power dynamic and he might hold it over your head that you're living with him rent free. Even though he's offering it, he might become resentful about it and feel like you're taking advantage if there's ever any issues or fights between you (which wouldn't really be fair of him, but it's a point to consider). He may also expect you to take on a larger share of chores, cooking, etc. if you aren't paying rent. I would not move in with him without some sort of contract in place or something in writing that you're a tenant. That way you won't be out on the streets if you break up. And if it's necessary that you pay something to do that, you can agree to a cheaper or reduced rent if he doesn't want you to pay.
In most states, after living somewhere long enough, you automatically become a tenant. In NY it's literally just 30 days.
Less in AZ.,
I agree, that's another thing OP should consider. In a dorm, you aren't really having to juggle household chores with your studies.
I’d argue that as long as she has a proper contingency plan (backup place she knows is available she can afford) him doing anything you mentioned would be a pro. It would sure fast track finding out if this guy is actually a POS who would use this as leverage. Could save her years of wasted time. Seems like she has a decent grasp of who he is right now.
I would absolutely not advise you moving in with him. If you are in an international program I will take the leap that you are also not a citizen of the US. If you break up which statistically a 20 year old with a 27 year old will have massive issues with lifestyle and goals and where you are in life. You won't have a place to move back into because you will not be getting that dorm back and likely you might lose your education altogether depending upon the stipulations of your program. Also I know the international dorm in my college had limited space. Its a really really bad idea to make any decisions that will make your college years more unstable if you have the choice. He can wait until you graduate.
And if the dorms are unaffordable, OP might find an apartment for cheaper. My son graduated from University in 2022, just for time context, and his dorms were more expensive than renting an apartment.
Yup, student housing is a price gouge by colleges, not to mention a lot of young students don't have the means or the resources to secure their own housing in an area their not familiar with.
Alright, there are some comments about your ages that I somewhat agree and somewhat disagree with. At 20 and 27, you’re in different stages in your life, and that age gap has the possibility of leading to an unhealthy power dynamic. In order to avoid that, you should avoid getting into a situation where you are dependent on him, especially when you are still this early in a relationship. Don’t move in with anyone at only 8 months and don’t move in with someone who could hold the fact that you’re living rent free over your head to get what he wants.
Very well said.
Exactly. There's already a power dynamic imbalance with the large age gap, and this is going to tilt the scales even more so. OP needs to back off.
It’s also super important how he reacts if/when she says “I’m not comfortable taking that step, I want to stay more independent at this stage in our relationship.” If he says something like “you’re right, I should have considered that moving in might put you in a weird position,” that’s fine. If he gets all weird about how he’s just trying to help and she should really trust him, that’s a great sign she should actually not trust him
I always get red flags when a dude wants to date someone significantly younger than them. 7 years isn’t a huge difference but we are also talking about a fully grown man with significantly more life experience wanting a barely out of high school girl to live with him. You can’t even legally drink. 8 months but only 5 months in person. Red flag. You’re an international student and probably don’t have a lot of family support nearby. Red flag. He’s going to let you live rent free? Red flag. You become financially dependent on him. Maybe he’s a perfectly wonderful man, but this looks like trouble to me.
I totally agree. There are no freebies in a relationship. He's going to be getting something out of this arrangement. He's going to ask many things of you and as a college student you are not prepared to participate in the juggling act. Get your own place. It will be worth it.
This is such a good point and very well said!
yes, this! the age gap is significant because she's barely out of high school and is learning to adult. He's passed that stage and moved on to the next stage in life, so they just aren't at the same level of maturity. College students can always find other students to room with, I certainly shared with other students back in the day. Staying with this older fellow may isolate her somewhat from her classmates. How would she tell him that she wants to go to a frat/sorority party with her female friends on Friday night??? Or to the football game where students get in free? (not sure if that's still a thing). He might want to go to the local bar, and she might be too young to get in. Too many reddit stories with people regretting all the stuff they didn't do in their early 20's because they immediately got into a serious relationship and settled down. He's old enough to settle down but she isn't.
This. Is. 100%. It. 20 is just way too young to start playing house with a 27 year old man.
Anyone that has ever been in an abusive relationship will be frightened for you based on this post. Does that mean he's abusive? No. But if he is, you'll be trapped with nowhere to go and no local support. Again, I'm not saying he's going to end up abusive. The red flags I see are: -8 months, 3 of those long distance. -He's 7 years older at ages where that creates a power imbalance - he's being super nice and you've gotten along really well. Don't move in with a partner until you've seen how they handle conflict - he'd have financial and housing security to hold over you, another power imbalance Try telling him no, you aren't comfortable giving up your own space yet. The only right answer to that statement is "ok" or something equally accepting.
There's a huge red flag from this tbh, and she's just seeing the benefits Like girl. That's literally how abusive relationships start
This 100 percent!!!
Absolutely not. You only know eachother for 8 months. Do you trust him enough already? And what will happen if the relationship ends and you have no place to stay?
No. Don't live with him yet. If he's wonderful and you two eventually get married, then you've only spent some money (on rent elsewhere) making sure you are compatible. If he's controlling and makes you unhappy you'll be free to break up with him without being trapped in a bad living situation. You are new to where you live. You need to make acquaintances and friends and expand your social and career network. You can't do that if you spend too much time with only one person.
I personally wouldn't do this just because if the worst happens you won't have a place to go. Stay on campus, keep dating and after another year if everything is going well then consider moving in. Eta paying for a dorm I PROMISE is less expensive emotionally and financially then if you got kicked out/he ended up being a bad match and you are stuck.
You’ve only known him for five months. I know that you’ll be reluctant to believe this, but talking online and the phone isn’t knowing someone. When we’re young and bright-eyed, we think they’re the same thing. They’re not. No one can tell you whether this is a good decision, especially given how little information you’ve written here. Is he kind? Always? Does he do anything repetitive that he has to apologize for, and hasn’t learned yet to just not do that thing? How does he treat people who have nothing to offer him? Does he have many vices? Do you know how all of his past relationships ended? What’s his relationship like with his parents? His family? What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to him? The best? Is he protective? How protective? Does he respect boundaries, like not walking in to the bathroom when you’re showering, kind of little mundane things on a daily basis? (That’s something that wouldn’t bother me, but it bothers some people, and the people it doesn’t bother have a hard time understanding that.) When you fight, what is it typically about? When you disagree on something, (different from arguing) what is it generally about? How does he deal with crises? Have you ever traveled anywhere with him? These aren’t a complete picture, but they’re contributors to one. You don’t need to answer them here, but I think if you’re really honest with yourself, these are the kinds of things that indicate similar or differing life views.
these are excellent questions
This makes you too vulnerable. It has only been 8 months and if something gets bad, you wouldn't have a safe place to go, particularly as an international student.
I’ve moved in with someone in that time frame and don’t recommend it, if you can help it. Your independence is priceless.
You don’t know him well enough to move in with him. “Rent free” means he has total control over you. Forget this bad idea. Rent/lease your own place.
Smart girl. You did the right thing getting your own place.
As long has you have get-out-quick money (enough to get a whole new apt without having to starve over it), then I'd say... Better to find out now that you can't live together than to find out five years down the line.
Moving in together too soon can set you up for failure, though. You don’t have the relationship foundation to navigate the challenges of moving in together.
Would you move in with him if you could afford your own place? If not, don’t do it yet
Yep. Looking for this comment. The fact that she leads with the "free rent" is a concern.
NO
Don’t do it
He probably means well, but this isn't a good idea.
that is such a bad choice and i think you know that
Do not do it. It’s a trap
The cons? If you break up, he can kick you out and you won't exactly have time to look for a new place. When I was in college one of my classmates and her boyfriend had an apartment together. They broke up, she had nowhere to go and ended up quitting school to move back home (7ish hours away). I have no idea if she ever went back to college or where she is now. But her life could have been way different if she hadn't moved in with him when she had no family in the area to help her if things go wrong.
Anyone who advises you to become financially dependent on someone you’ve only known for 8 months is insane
Well if you are really going to take people's comments under serious consideration... I will throw in my two cents. I would not recommend you move in with him at this point. You would be much better off renting your own digs. My thinking is it would put you at a huge disadvantage if you needed to breakup. Having your own place gives you the power to stand your ground if you need to. I would expect someone that much older might prey on younger women because they are easier to manipulate. Having your own pad gives you power
I’m 38f. I definitely think you should not do this. You’re too young to be living with a man, especially when you have only been together a short time. You also need a contract to protect you, or he could throw you out and make you homeless at any time with no notice. I’m sure he’s just trying to be helpful, but you should hope for the best and plan for the worst, and only live in housing where you have some legal rights.
Pretty weird for a 27 year old to want to date a 20 year old. I’d avoid him
Because older women can see through their bs
100%. If they can’t get a woman their own age definitely not a good idea for the kids to be dating them lol
Yeah no. In the process of reaching this big age I have learned… men only want the best for you if you’re theirs. Once the relationship breaks down they will leave you with nowhere to go after you’ve spent all your money paying the bills. Also 8 months is too fast. Gives major love bombing vibes.
I know you get along well right now. But in a year, you never know. With my ex-fiancée, the first one, one and a half year, we got along famously that I was thinking we should definitely move in together. My ex was the one who insisted separate dwellings, now I'm glad that we never moved in together despite it all because year 2 until 6, it was NOT good and my study suffered a great deal due to that mess. My point being, if you are insistent on moving in together, you need to have a backup plan just in case you break up for any reason (even just a 'break'). Because it'll put you in a vulnerable state. Imo, do not move in together. Rent a room or something akin to that, but have your own space.
This makes you entirely dependent on him for housing. What if you break up and he kicks you out? If I were you, while you so spend most of your time there, I would still get your own place and explain to him you think it's too early in the relationship to move in together. As the relationship progresses and more time passes, I'd recommend a year (the amount of time on your lease if you get a place) then if you're still together and you are more comfortable with the idea, then move in with him, but keep enough money set aside just in case you have to move quickly. I've seen too many women get "trapped" in a relationship by becoming financially dependent on a boyfriend too early on. Keep yourself financially independent until you're very secure and sure about this relationship
Nothing in life is free. You will end up paying in other ways than cash. Look for your own place. If this relationship grows over time you can always move in at a later date. Right now, you need your housing to be secure. Once you’re in his apartment you will be at his mercy. What happens if you all have an argument and he throws you out? What if something happens to him or his job would you be able to cover the rent? If your housing is tied to the relationship what happens if you decide you want to leave the relationship. Add up the cost of your meal plan and other on campus benefits and see if getting an apartment would really be cheaper. If it is cheaper get your own place.
Stay on your own. Keep room for just yourself.
Free maid
My advice would be to take the offer but use the time to save money, do things that continue to keep your independence so you can continue to support yourself or if anything backlashes
The cons... if you get into an argument, you could be homeless any minute. Don't tell yourself that he wouldn't do that, because there's so much that you don't know about him. Be frugal and have security. Best of luck!
Statistically, you have a high chance of becoming pregnant within the first year of living together. If you choose to live with him, you need to have a plan in case things go bad. You are especially vulnerable since you aren’t a us citizen and you’re younger than he is.
I'm very very glad to see that you ended up renting your own place. Never move in with a man unless you're married because once he cheats or you break up for whatever reason, you're suddenly either homeless or stuck in a house with someone you don't like while trying to get your own place. The risks are not worth it.
You've only known him 5 months in person (3 months long distance) I think that's not enough time to really judge his character. Right now, both you and he may be caught up in the whirlwind of a new romance and all the fuzzy feelings. It's too soon to judge whether he is a safe person to live with. Also, I am concerned when you say you don't have anyone else to talk to about this? Do you have female friends on campus? If not I would suggest that you spend a little less time with your boyfriend and a little more time building up other relationships. I worry that you may be a bit isolated.
Waaaaaayyyyy too vulnerable a position to be in! Doesn’t matter how much you trust or love him. Always a bad idea.
I find a bit odd that he offered her a bedroom. I mean wtf? You sleep over almost every night then you sleep together in one bed right? Or?
Moving in after 8 months?? Y'all barely know each other. Have you lived by yourself yet???? Probably not. I think you should just enjoy dating.
Am I the only one who finds it odd for a 27 year old male to date a 20 year old female? Just seems like a big difference in maturity for age- despite this 20 year old does sound mature. I am just weary….For all we know they could’ve started dating when she was 19 and he was 26….yikes.
This is just my experience, but my boyfriend and I essentially moved in together one month into dating (I had my own place and paid my rent, but was there less than one day a month), and officially moved in together after six months of dating. I love this man, I am almost certain we will spend the rest of our lives together, he treats me like a princess. If he's letting you live rent free, then you'll have money saved up in case he kicks you out. That being said- you said that you pretty much live there, but how much is pretty much? Before my boyfriend and I officially moved in together, my stuff was already at his place, I did laundry at his place, I had my own toiletries, we did house chores together, I bought groceries for his place, etc. Plus, we had already gotten sick together, I had seen him throw up, I had seen him have bad days, good days, and everything in between. Ask how you will split the finances- you said rent free, but does he expect you to contribute to utilities or food? How does he expect you to contribute to household chores? Ask these things before seriously considering moving in.
Power dynamic plus this particular age agp. ^^ reasons to pause and consider.
Redditors take pleasure in casually throwing out "no", I think the anonymity factor makes them feel empowered whereas in real life they are likely conflict-avoidant and tend to say "yes" frequently in that pursuit. And redditors loooove to hate an age gap relationship, as you can see even though 20f/27m is completely acceptable. Really how you should make a decision here is to make a pros & cons list yourself and get feedback from one or a small few of your closest friends/family if the list doesn't settle things for you. Trust your gut. You couldn't possibly give us enough insight into the workings of your relationship with this guy for any one here to give you a valid answer to your dilemma. But, because it's fun to be an advisor, lol, I say go for it *but* only with a plan b/safety net in case it doesn't work out. Opportunities to save $ like this don't come up often and if your relationship is solid and you trust him at 8mo then giving it a shot isn't a crazy move.
Offer to pay some bills and maybe groceries maybe?
this arrangement is far more common than you think. it seems like a lot of young women bounce around between their boyfriend's place, their parent's house and a friend's couch. but i think it would be better if you split rent on an apartment with one of your friends. or rented a room in a house with roommates.
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I wouldn't I would concentrate on school plus he's 7 years older so you're vastly different places in your life right now. He could be just looking for someone to knock up and become their servant.
You probably wouldn't date him at all, seems like you are just against the relationship in general.
I’ve moved in with two partners at 6 months and 3 months respectively. First one turned out to be a 6.5 year relationship and I’m getting married to the second. When you know, you know. There’s no time constraints. Go with your gut.
Nope
Don’t do it. Get your own place.
My girlfriend got her own place after 2 months and I basically lived in. I kept my own place but basically lived at hers. After 6 months I gave up my place because it was a waste. I’m still a little hesitant sometimes but it’s been 25 years so I’m starting to thinks it’s ok…. It can be quick but you could try it. You’ll want to think about an exit strategy toot can act on quick.
If you want to do it, I would request to be added to/ given a lease agreement. Even if the rent is 100 a month you have a contract saying he can’t just kick you out.
Need to have a blunt convo about the possibility if you break up in the future….needs to be an understanding that you’ll have 30-60 days to find a new place to live.
It is super great financially but I’ve seen where with this age gap and this scenario go poorly. Have a backup. This could also be a way for you to have to rely on him and can’t leave
I “practically” lived in my now husbands dorm when we were dating in college, starting at just a few months. I slept there every night and spent all my time there. It was nice to spend the time with him. But I had my own place to come back to if I needed a break, and as a second backup, could always go to my parents house 40 min away. That was important. We moved out of dorms into our own place after 2 years together. It’s all worked out, we got married, we love eachother and I trust him unconditionally. I’ve covered him when he couldn’t work and he recently covered me when I couldn’t. But those first year-2 years when we were really young I’m glad I had a backup even tho I was so in love with him. If you have any other options I would keep them open, just for your own sanity
There isn’t a lot of information regarding your boyfriend’s demeanor here. I would say that this situation leaves you incredibly vulnerable. If you’re not paying rent, what happens when you break up? Will he expect that you start paying rent or leave? Will he hold your rent-free life over your head? Will he expect that you cook and clean and do “house wife” duties in exchange for him “saving you the cost of housing”? Personally, if I’m moving in with a partner and am unsure, I should insist on paying half of rent and utilities because I will never allow someone to dictate my living situation.
Save up some money if he kicks you out at some point. Otherwise, I don’t think it’s a terrible idea.
I think it’s a bad idea. I think you’ve only had six months actually together that’s well within the honeymoon phase. I think going straight into living together presents a multitude of challenges and you don’t really know this person yet.
No. Make sure you don’t agree with anything that he can dangle over you. Also, you’re an international student and that’s another reason I find this offer weird. Maybe it’s me but there are a lot of cons with this.
Moving in is really easy, especially with free rent. Moving out is 1000x harder.
I think you can do it but have a plan in case the relationship doesn’t work out.
Why not tell him that you would like to take him up on his offer for exactly 3 months. 90 days, and then you get your own place. That way, you can save money, really get to know him on a different level than possible without living together, and you already know how it’s going to end so there’s no fear going in?
Take the room. I moved in with my now-husband after 3 months and we’ve been together for 7 and married for 4+. There is no minimum if you get along really well. Also girl… shit is free! You will save so much money, even if it doesn’t work out. Go for it. The worst that could happen is you’re rich and need to find a new place in a pinch, which will be doable with all your extra money. Very little downside unless he’s dangerous or something. If he has a kind heart, go for it!!
I wouldn’t have him put me on the lease. If you are on the lease and you break up and leave you are still legally on the hook for the rent. Just save money and have a contingency plan for where to go if you break up. Also, you spend almost every night there so it would be a lot more convenient to just move in. And living together is the best way to know if you are compatible long term. Just do NOT become pregnant until you have finished school and have a job and never ever become a SAHM unless you are married, so you don’t get screwed financially if you break up.
NOOO, don’t do it!!! You have NO backup. If the relationship falls apart, it would be EXCRUCIATING to live there — that’s if he didn’t KICK YOU OUT first! For him this is PUSSY ON TAP. Glad you listened to the advice and are MAINTAINING YOUR INDEPENDENCE!! Now you have AUTONOMY and are not subject to someone else’s WHIM.
No, you’re young. If he is serious then the relationship will continue. In a year you reevaluate or you’ll already be single.
Make sure he's not expecting you to be his live in chef and maid, he may change the way he acts when you're settled in.
Nah son
Zont zoo it girl ! Zont zoo it
No it's to soon, keep your independence.
Well at least your boyfriend offered.
probably don’t do it. i’m 21M, 2 years ago i let my partner move in rent free because he’s a student with zero work experience. 2 years later and it’s definitely been a huge point of stress in our relationship. he’s now an unpaid intern and about 2 months away from finally being able to help out with the costs, but jesus christ. we came close to breaking up a couple times and i’ve had a couple nights where i’ve cried myself to sleep or cried to him because even when i feel confident about our financial situation, there’s no money left to save, or go on dates, or replace broken shit. the only reason we never broke up in the past is because his family refused to let him stay with them if we broke up, and he has zero money. i felt responsible for not letting him become homeless. thankfully i do actually love him despite the financial horrors, and deadass i’m so fucking excited for him to be working full time.
Ehh, I always think couples should go on vacation or some kind of small travel together. It really helps you get to know eachother on a different level and might help you make a decision about whether or not you WANT to live with him.
Not ideal, you are dependent on him going forward and then you are stuck if you don't like it.
There are tons of posts on here, but I could point you to say don’t do this. Wild your relationship is good new it’ll seem wonderful then one of two things will happen. Your boyfriend will get tired of it. He will get tired of taking care of everything. Or you will feel trapped you’ll feel like your life isn’t going anywhere and you’re bored and you’re trapped. If you have a good relationship, you do it like adults you make a budget based on income what you can contribute it’ll be more fair in the long run you’ll feel better because you can live out your dreams and he’ll feel better because he won’t be taken care of another adult. He will have a partner And the relationship will grow because of that.
If it's not* an enthusiastic and happy yes from you, don't do it.
Don’t do it! You are in different places in your life. You are still in school. He is much older than you at this stage. If you were say 23 even and out of college that would be more equal. Get roommates staying your dorm, whatever and do not live with him. Experience the world a bit.
Nopenopenope. Being in a relationship where you are financially dependent on the other person is a breeding ground for abuse. Especially with him being older you'd be in a very vulnerable position. I wouldn't do it at least until you have a solid exit plan that you can execute as soon as/if things start getting weird
Don't do this. You're better off getting your own place. Best case scenario:you guys get married and live a full and happy life together Worst case scenario: he's abusive, you end up homeless or even worse than that
There really is no risk, when you are 20. We are not talking marriage, children and giving up studies. . You can just move out again, if it doesn't work out and save up the rent money as long as it does.
It depends. Just make sure you have an exit strategy. Can you move out quickly if you break up? Can you stay with a friend or parent when things go south? If not; wait a little longer. Go live on your own first and just spend a lot of time together. If you do have those exit plans, you could try it out because if it doesn't work, you always have a back up.
My gf lived with me before she was even my gf lol. We're on our 7th year. If it's gonna work it's gonna work. The fact you can live rent free should be more than enough to realize you won't have to worry much finding a place if you break up because you'll have money saved eh? Sounds like you're level of commitment does not match his. You're there every day but living with him is different? I feel bad for him tbh. Just tell him he's not your forever person and let him find someone who wants to build a life with him
You're 20 and hes 27, it's only been 8 months, being an international student I would imagine you don't have much support (if any nearby. This is not a recipe for success. In fact, it's a recipe for abuse. You'll be dependant on him. He's already weird for being so much older than you when you're only 20, and you know what, it should be a red flag in itself that after only 8 months he's jumping to wanting to move in together, but given the rest of the details, it should be a no. Why rush things? Keep dating, if things work out, maybe in the future the offer will still be on the table or you can find a place together, but I wouldn't jump feet in under these circumstances. Better be careful than sorry.
Independence is the way to go ,nothing in this world is for free,there's always strings attached.
My friend married a gut after 6 months, we all warned her it was a big mistake but it's still going. 8 months isn't too short to live together and because school you always have the backup of going back to dorms
I don’t think the amount of time dating is the issue, I think it’s the rent-free part. My bf and I have been together for a year and a half, living together for a year. We moved in together around 3 months, and it just works for us. Every day it’s like living with my best friend and we never argue. But we have an income-based split on rent. Rent-free seems too vulnerable, you’re pretty much at his mercy
He’s looking for a wife at girlfriend "costs". Don’t do it
No. I don’t even need to read the whole story. Do not move in after dating for only 8 months.
i’m 20 dating a 29 year old. in the beginning of our relationship he told me i could move in but when we argue when i spend the night he’s always like leave my place!!! so don’t move in with this man unless you have a back up plan lol..
Just read through all the posts on here: all the people (mostly women) who feel STUCK in a horrible relationship because they have no where else to live.
Don’t do it. The age gap and the level of control he will have will be detrimental.
Reddit it weird. This is a completely normal thing to do after 8 months but everyone keeps assuming the boyfriend is controlling/abusive/whatever, forgetting the fact she can simply move out if it doesn't work out between them. Terrible advice here
This could turn out fine. I wouldn’t hate on him for no reason. However, there is always a risk when you give up your personal power or there is a power dynamic.
If you intend to do so, ensure that you have a back up plan in case things go wrong. Some people will tell you to find roommates but if you do that, you'll end up living with strangers. At the very least you've known your boyfriend coming up on a year. I would say go for it. You're already staying there nearly every night as it is. Have enough money set to the side to rent another place if things go bad.
Do not do this. 7 year age gap at your age is concerning btw and then having you move in in under a year? Red flag central as it gives him financial power over you. Stay in the relationship if you want and there aren't other red flags but definitely do not move in with il until you are financially stable and able to equally contribute.
If your relationship is strong enough for you to be living with him, it’s strong enough for you to wait until you’re graduated. College is the time to set yourself up for the rest of your life. Part of that is making connections to your classmates. Even if your boyfriend is 100% tried and true, did you seriously come to the United States to be tied down to some grown ass man? If you wouldn’t willingly move in with him and split the rent, you shouldn’t be staying with him for free. You’re too focused on the financial side without thinking about all of the risks and responsibilities you’ll likely be expected to juggle as his live-in.
The short answer is NO. too soon, to large an age gap. Your life does not mesh yet. (School student vs long term employed person). Give it at least 18 months. In the US you are not even able to buy a drink yet. Give yourself time to party a little, hang out with school chums,
It's a trap
Communicate, tell him yes but I need to feel secure. What would happen if we get in a fight and ask what that might look.like If he sounds convi then yes do it. However offer to buy food, also make sure you have a backup plan in case of emergency.
Why is he offering that? Is he trying to use you for other things at home? It's a decent age gap for a 20 year old. Take care.
Age gap concerning as well
Truly don’t do it. You really don’t know this person. Don’t get locked into a lease with him. Is there no FRIENDS you can room with. He’s seven years older than you, as well as why are you trying to be in any relationship right now? This time is about YOU and you coming into your own person, learning to be an independent INDIVIDUAL, and reaching your own goals and establishing yourself ON YOUR OWN. Why are you young people tying yourself down so early like you are gonna die tomorrow. You are there to get an education and get yourself your own things. Not to depend on someone you don’t know and have to spend your free time trying to be considerate of him instead of having an actual life. Go get a hobby or get another job make more money and save, you have your whole adult life to date and be locked in with someone. Be free and find YOU.
How to enter an abuse relationship, speed run.
Just make sure you have money saved and offer to pay small bills. If you are comfy with him go ahead and move forwarded. It is different living with people
My advice in these situations always boils down to, what would happen if you guys broke up? It sounds like you could go find a new lease somewhere else pretty easily and you wouldn't be stuck living in a toxic situation. I think you'll be fine and this is hopefully a fun and exciting new chapter in the relationship.
You’re contemplating free rent? In THIS market?
If you have a viable plan for a place to live if y’all break up, then I don’t see why not. You don’t want to be stranded without a place to live by moving in with a boyfriend of 8 months.
Personally I think early 18-23 are - vital toke to learn how to live on your own. I don’t mean being single. I mean affording an apartment, budgeting, learning how to take care of and run an household, how to rent, etc. It’s not uncommon to see people who never went through this growth period, later struggle when they go through some form of separation (break up, long distance, death, etc.). Just my 2 cents. Can still date him, but don’t lose your opportunity to learn how to be independent at this early stage in your life
If you are dating it should be a view to potentially getting married in the future otherwise you are wasting time.... if you can see that as a possibility then go ahead... maybe suggest paying a small amount in rent when you are more financially able... but he wants you there so in his mind he views you as a long term partner.... sometimes we need to take the jump and who knows you could end up getting married....
If you can keep a big stack of money that you will always keep on-hand in case you need to move out — then do it. Otherwise — absolutely not.
You’re at the end of the semester now. Make sure you’re on the on-campus housing list for fall (you can always cancel by a certain date) and give it a try over the summer. It sounds like you’ll have your own room and if it makes you feel better, you can pitch in some for rent or buy more than half of the groceries. I have a daughter graduating college this weekend and that on campus housing is very expensive! Even if you paid rent, you’d still be saving money.
Take the free room but pretend like you’re paying rent and bills. Put that money aside so that you have enough for a deposit somewhere else if things don’t go well—that’s the most important part of this. Have you made any friends while you’ve been studying? While it might not seem that important, try hard to socialise with other people at school, especially on your course. I had a long distance boyfriend in my first year of uni and it really hindered that making friend period for me. A lot of these people might be your friends for life. It’s always good to have a social circle or at least a few good friends outside your relationship. Not just so you’re not spending all your time with bf at home (which can be a bit much at this stage) but so you have other things to talk about, other people to rely on and study with, and people on your course to help you out if you’re sick/fall behind. It’s also good to have someone to talk to about your relationship to get some perspective. That’s really important too. I will also add that when I was your age I moved in with a few people at uni and one of them was a 27 year old guy. I fell *hard*. I know people always talk about the age gap, but it really is more apparent the younger you are. I always thought I was in control, but I wasn’t. He was generally a good guy but I really went along with much of what he suggested and I’d do things a lot differently this time. I’m not telling you not to do it, I’m just saying be aware of it and try to make sure you have friends and a support system (as well as that emergency money) just incase you need to get some distance. What exactly is the living situation? Is it him and a few male roommates?