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If it took him a few days to make the offer, then it means it’s been actually thought about and discussed rather than a spur of the moment thing. I imagine that with you being 18, the extra cost to his family of you staying with them isn’t as much as you imagine. Really it’s a food cost and perhaps a small bump in utilities. You could always trial it for a couple of weeks first. You’ll get time to find a part time job or concentrate on studies; you’ll be amazed at how better it’ll feel for you. Even just uninterrupted sleep will feel amazing. Please, seriously consider it for your own health.
It probably wouldn't be that much, I'm just nervous about being a bother. I don't want to be, since I'm not their child.
It does sound like it would be nice, for once I want to sleep without a whiny child coming to me and crying in the middle of the night or a teenager having a breakdown. But I wouldn't want to be selfish.
It isn't selfish to take time for yourself so you can study and have a life. Your parents have been very selfish in continuing to have children knowing that you will do the hard work raising them and taking up the slack.
Your mother may not go through menopause for ten more years, plenty of time to have more babies. You can't give up your own life chances to compensate for their choices. Give yourself a chance to go and make your own life.
I came on here to say exactly that… OPs mom could be popping out kids for at least another 10 years. 🤬 if she’s popping them out about every two or three years, that means she could have another 3 to 5 children.
I guess it’s less likely if she hasn’t had them already, but it would also really suck if one or more of those pregnancies were multiples
ETA: I stand corrected: more likely as you age? Horrifying for OP’s gigantic family.
Actually it’s not. The older you get the more likely you are to have multiples. I was an oopsie baby for my mom who was in her early 40s… and so was my twin LOL
It’s because as women get older they are more likely to release more eggs during ovulation. So fraternal twins and such are much more common.
So, regardless of how many children someone has had their chances for multiples raise once they hit 35 and over.
Like in Parks & Rec where Henry Winkler as the ob/gyn tells Leslie Knope that her triplets are what's known in the biz, and he means no disrespect, as a Going Out of Business Sale
It really can! I can also say babies are intense and take so much work. I have an 8 month old and I’m being run into the ground…and I get lots of help. I can’t imagine all these kids !!! It would be hellish. I don’t see why they are doing this to themselves. It would be a true hell on earth to have all these rug rats at your feet, screaming, needing things, being loud, never being able to get away… I’d move out as well!
It’s 1%. That’s the risk of Down’s Syndrome with a pregnancy at 40.
I wish people would stop this narrative that children born after 40 are doomed to have birth defects or other problems.
But OPs mom should def stop having kids that OP then has to take care of.
One of my daughter's friends, first pregnancy, healthy as can be, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy with Downs at the age of 19. Sometimes these things just happen, you know? She was considered so low risk, I suspect they only did cursory checks - they only realised after he was born :(
There are all sorts of problems for couples who are older having kids together. Here's a couple of quotes I got from several government health pages.
"1 in 1250 for a 25 year old mother to 1 in 1000 at age 31, 1 in 400 at age 35, and about 1 in 100 at age 40). However, 80% of babies with Down syndrome are born to women under age 35 years."
While having a baby with an older man can cause all sorts of birth defects.
"The amount of DNA damage in sperm of men aged 36–57 is three times that of men <35 years"
"Infants born to older fathers were found to be at higher risk of premature birth, late still birth, low Apgar scores, low birth weight, higher incidence of newborn seizures and birth defects such as congenital heart disease and cleft palate."
100% OP's parents are being incredibly selfish here. They seem to only be focused on the benefits they get from having all these kids, without any regards as to how they are going to meet the needs of them. The mom just seems like an extreme narcissist, the dad is probably the same plus co-dependent.
My wife's family is like this (but so many kids). The dad is just concerned about making his wife happy and doesn't really care about the kids. The mom sees the kid's reason for existence as only to make her happy, but ultimately also does not care about the kids. The kids are left to fend for themselves.
Making sure your basic needs are met is not selfish. Making sure that you're getting a good night's sleep is not selfish. Not being a third parent when you did not sign up for it is not selfish.
Your siblings should not be coming to you in the middle of the night. Your parents should have set that boundary for you with your siblings.
Your boyfriend's parents probably see how unhealthy this situation is for you and how stressed you are and would rather you stay with them than continue to be in the situation you're in.
Your parents made the choice to keep having kids. They need to be responsible for that choice. They can't just thrust that responsibility onto you. I get you want to help out, but it should not be at a detrimental cost to you.
As a mom, as long as you are generally respectful and don’t make unreasonable messes you don’t pick up, I wouldn’t think you to be a burden at all. But make sure you have all your important documents before making the move, as your parents may not look kindly on losing their free babysitter.
If you help your boyfriend's parents eg:- like helping in kitchen, cleaning mess, helping in laundry etc... you are not gonna be considered as burden to them. These are just basic few things that we all living people do. While living with your boyfriend's parents you can also have some break from many mental burden that you're carrying. If I was in your place I would've gone to bf's place for sure. Also remember, they are not your kids and you are not responsible for them.
Yes.. do this! It sounds like they have probably considered the financial aspect of having you stay with them and are good with it. Make staying there an advantage for them. Clean up after yourself and help out a little. Do the dishes after dinner, fold towels...
I think this is what is holding OP back 😓 it has to hurt to see that (relatively) random adults are more willing to take care of her than her own parents. The feeling of being loved/cared for is too foreign and so she misidentifies it as being selfish.
Take a list of questions with you to talk about.
-who is responsible for your food, sundries and cooking?
-will you be able to do your laundry alongside theirs or have time to do yours separately?
-would you be expected to pay rent and/or bills? If so, how much?
-where will you sleep and store belongings? Will you have any private space and will you have guaranteed privacy when you need it?
-you aim to move into your own place eventually, but how long are you welcome to stay, roughly?
-in the event that you and your boyfriend experience a relationship break down or split up outright, will you be expected to move out right away? (This may be a tough one to talk about given your age and possibly lack of experience handling sensitive topics, but important to think about).
-will you be allowed your own key and will there be expectations around when you come and go, e.g. home before midnight?
As an idea, you can find examples and templates of “cohabitation agreements” online which lay out belongings, bills, notice for moving out etc. this could be helpful to look up?
Help with chores, help with cooking, offer to do anything possible around the house. You won't be a bother. I'm sure this is everything you already do for your siblings so everything will feel so natural.
You’re not gonna be a burden if you cook every now and then, do the grocery shopping with your bf sometimes, do your own laundry, clean up after yourself, find a part time job and pay what you can for utilities. You will be part of the household so you‘ll have to help with chores etc. That’s a given ofc. They’re not taking you in so you can be a princess and not lift a finger ever again. Ask them how they want things done and you’ll be a great help! But even with chores, study and a part time job, you‘ll feel freer and have way less to do than with a bunch of kids to take care of. Evenings for activities or dates, learning in peace before exams, free weekends for trips… you could be a normal teen.
I think it’s time for you to be selfish for once in your life. Your siblings will do the same when they’re old enough. Until then the next one can help your mom. Bc you’re not responsible for any of them. You’re their big sis and you can keep being one by visiting them and being there for normal big sis things like opinions on outfits or boys. For the rest, send them back to your parents. Move out, set new boundaries and focus on yourself.
My brother's girlfriend lived with us for a while. A lot of parents just want to help. It is something i would do for any of my daughter's friends as well. The fact that it took a few days means they have thought about it and are sincere. And seriously, you sound like someone who would be nice to have around, who wouldn't take them for granted and would be appreciative.
I really like the idea someone else posted of sitting down with them to talk it over. It would help to have a clear plan, clear expectations on both your parts, and reassurances and no surprises later.
You’ve never had the chance to feel like you aren’t a burden, you’ve always been stuck in a position of giving. You’ve always been stuck in a position where you are the one who cares, but doesn’t get the same care in return.
You are not a burden, you are not a bother. You are more than just what you can offer others and it’s heartbreaking to see what has been taken from you because your parents are irresponsible. He loves you, it has been discussed with his family enough to the point they are all comfortable offering you a new home.
I say take the opportunity, they care about you and you deserve some peace. You deserve to live your life with yourself in mind, not feeling responsible for others who aren’t supposed to be your responsibility.
I’m so sorry OP, parentification is an awful thing and you deserved better.
think about it from his parents perspective. they're going into this knowing it would be another person in the house, another mouth to feed, another person they run into in the living room, \*\*and they still said you should come\*\*. it sounds like they have all thought it through enough before inviting you, if they thought you'd be a bother, there wouldn't have been an invitation. they likely see this as a way to bond with their future DIL and they want to give you a better life
you should take them up on this offer. you deserve to not be parentified by your family. move in with your boyfriends family, and do things to remind yourself that you arent a bother. im sure they would love providing you peace and then seeing you vacuum for them, or bake some cookies for the week, or do the dishes or something to show appreciation.
and it isn't selfish to want to sleep through the night without a sibling waking you up, or having to get children ready in the morning before you go to school. even if it was selfish, you deserve to put you first. you didn't get pregnant and have a kid (or 9, holy shit), so it is not your job or responsibility to raise them. moving out can be a way for you to establish a sibling bond with them. and if your parents are super pissed about you leaving... good riddance. they rely on you so heavily to clean up their messes, their kids' messes, and treat you like it's your job. it isn't selfish to put you first for once in your life
Listen: I was in the same situation as you (albeit with fewer children in the house), and my bf's mom made me the same offer. I'm in my 30s now, and OP, please take the offer. You'll be glad that you did.
Tbh, one of my few regrets is that I let my mom and my anxiety bully me into staying at home as the third parent and emotional support eldest daughter, instead of doing what I needed to succeed. What you have been doing for your family is so admirable and selfless, but you can't keep pouring from an empty cup. You need to recharge and think about your own life for a change. It's not selfish to prepare yourself and your family for your inevitable departure from that situation. I know that it feels like you must stay, but staying is not a good idea for you, nor for your siblings. Leaving now is the compassionate choice.
For me not only did me staying at home strain my grades, added unnecessary stress, and negatively impacted my future, but it also made the transition of me moving out difficult on my siblings. The kids also need to learn how to live without you, as one day you will move out to start your life. These last few months of high school are crucial to *your* development, and if you can you should have the opportunity to enjoy them without the responsibility of being the third parent. ETA: your family will eventually adjust to your departure, though it will be rough at first. Someone will step in or step up to help, and it doesn't need to be you!
If you're still on the fence about it, maybe plan on going to your bf's for a while, say a few weeks, and then see how you feel? Think of it as a sort of vacation. Then decide whether you want to move back home.
If nothing else, getting adequate sleep is important for you and your brain at this stage. Rest. You deserve it, even if you think that you don't.
Your parents have probably used the word “selfish” with you to shame you into letting them take advantage of you. I’m here to tell you that THEY are the selfish ones and projecting that onto you! Expecting you to be sacrifice your sleep, your life and your well-being to be responsible for decisions that you took no part in (the children). You are the epitome of selfless, and in my not so humble opinion need to be more selfish, there’s nothing wrong with that.
I would highly suggest therapy as well to deal with growing up in such an abusive environment like this. You will need to deprogram yourself from all the manipulation and brainwashing that they’ve put you through. It sounds like they have weaponized words and manipulated you so much that you don’t even know up from down and you’ve learned to normalize very shitty behavior.
If they offered in good faith, you won't be a bother.
Let me guess... when you told your parents that you needed your own time, they made you feel bad about it, right? You've been parentified by your parents and I think that is where the idea of feeling like you are selfish is coming from. It is absolutely not selfish to set a boundary to protect yourself and tajke some time to have self care. It is selfish to have children that you cannot care for and to make your oldest child raise them.
If you’re worried about being a bother, offer to pay a little rent (if you have a job. If you don’t, try and get one). Offer to do chores around the house, help out when you’re there, etc. If you’re kind and help out then they probably won’t mind having you there. But definitely start saving to get your own place as soon as you’re able.
Is there anyone else you could go stay with?
If you don’t want to see yourself as a bother to them then make yourself useful there😁.
Offer to help cook, clean, walk the dogs, help with laundry, loading dishwasher, etc. There are lots of ways to be helpful to someone else. Any of the things listed would be helpful to them and appreciated trust me.
You have spent your life being a support, not a bother, so you literally have no idea what it is to be selfish. Can you contribute to their household chores? Be grateful and a bit social sometimes? Then if so you will be fine. They will enjoy another person for a year. You can focus on your studies. Maybe you and boyfriend can help each other study? Be good influences
If you help out at home, then you're not a burden.
Cooking ocassionally. doing your own laundry (no don't do your BFs laundry even if you're grateful for his help), buying groceries and so on. And of course, most importantly: Give an end date for when you plan on having your own apartment and get out of their hair. Not just for them but also for you, so that you can have a goal for yourself, and not for anyone else.
You seem to be a very considerate person. I'm sure you would be a lovely addition to their home because you will almost certainly clean and tidy up without being asked and so on.
To ease your mind, I suggest having a family meeting with your boyfriend and his folks, his siblings and anyone else living in their home. Discuss their expectations, your fears, the plan if you and their son break up and so on. Based on that conversation, you can decide what you want to do.
I'm curious if you have a counselor at school you can discuss your home life with? They can help you plan for your future after you graduate as well.
OP, not all selfishness is wrong. You have to put yourself first and take care of yourself. If your boyfriend offered and his family is serious about it, you can do as sewunusual said and test it for a few weeks until you find your bearings. If you go, do make sure to talk to your bf's family and check their rules, how divide their chores, where you'd sleep, etc.
You aren't their parent. Your parents need to figure it out. Time to put your needs first.
I'd move out. Your parents also are clearly super fertile. My grandmothers each had their last kid st ages 46 and 49. This kid might not be their last. :/
Move out, get counseling. Parentification is a form of abuse. Go focus on your own life, it's time.
If they want more kids that's their choice but they should be able to afford them and not turn you into a third parent. Like siblings should help (do chores, help sometimes with younger siblings) in my view but not to the point that's all you do. You need to be developing your own hobbies, preparing for post-secondary and exploring your interests, and not spend all your time being a "mom" to your siblings.
Don't feel guilty for leaving.
Yes, exactly what I was thinking. And, I think 18 is a fine age to spread your wings. Family is irreplaceable, but there comes a time when you are ready for your own life. Don’t be mad, things always look different as you age and experience life. Love your family, but when it’s time for you to start a life of your own it’s natural.
I understand your guilt but that’s just because you’ve been made to put yourself second your whole life but this is such an amazing lifeline please take it it’s not up to you to parent your siblings
Also please always use protection yourself with your BF! You def don’t want your own kid rn when you’re just now getting a chance to have your own life 💕
I would talk with your boyfriend and his parents about how this living situation would work. Explain to them your goal is to keep working, finish school and get full time job so you can move out on your own. Do not put yourself in a position the boyfriend goes with you. You need to be on your own at some point. Do not get pregnant. My fear is if you stay with your parents, they will not only use you as caregiver, but as income by charging you rent. I do not know how you would ever get enough ahead then to get out.
This is excellent advice, OP. Make very clear to
BF *and his parents* that this does not mean you’re tying yourself to him for life, it’s a stop-gap solution to get you through your last year of school. If they’re OK with that - and, to be clear, *they should be* - then as long as not anything about BF or his family that you’re not telling us, this sounds like a good option to me
You might also try discussing how the household will work before you move in. I say that thinking of a girlfriend of my brother’s who lived with him and our parents for a few months, tried to take up as little space as she could because she, like you, was worried about being a burden, and ended up hurting their feelings by, from their POV, avoiding them
I wouldn’t worry about the bills, the addition for you will be tiny and they’re sensible people, they’ve made the offer knowing there will be this small impact on their expenses. If you’re really worried about, tho, you might consider getting maybe a Saturday job and contributing some of the pay towards the household. Again, though, don’t push too hard on that, it may genuinely hurt BF’s parents’ feelings
I have to say, even without the impending latest baby, I think you’ll be astonished how much easier school becomes when you’re having uninterrupted sleep and living in a calm environment
Before they (your parents) realize what's going on make sure that you have all the documents that you'll need in the future (e.g. birth certificate, driver's license, passport, social security card, etc) and lock your credit too.
This may sound like it's overboard, but it isn't. Your parents will desperately miss what you do for them and may try and get you back by any means. Or, they may seek to financially ruin you.
This is good advice OP. The situation you’ve described is one of severe parentification and *it is abuse*. Not to mention your dad grabbing you which, from the offhand way you mentioned it, doesn’t sound like a one-off.
Abusers don’t like to lose their slaves. Your parents will throw all kinds of nonsense at you. Prepare for guilt trips and them trying to leverage the love you have for your family at the least. Don’t put anything past them until you’re well and gone.
You sound like a grounded, intelligent person. You’re going to thrive. 💚
👆 I'm the oldest of five siblings, parents divorced, and my dad is a bad person. When I was estranging myself from my dad, he had my little brother write me a letter about how much he (my brother) misses me, about how I had cool video games and he loved watching me play games, wanting to see me, saying he loves me, etc.. I love my little brothers even if they're half siblings.
So, yes, guilt trips.
This is one of my biggest fears as a parent. I have two stepkids who are a bit older and two younger kids, and the thought of my step kids EVER feeling obligated to take care of their siblings is terrible to me. I don’t understand parents who do this to their kids nowadays. My MIL suggested once that they can help out with the siblings, and the last thing i ever want is for their memory of their childhood to be chock full of responsibilities like that.
Also if you're on a phone plan with them go to Verizon/att/ wherever and move it over to your name.
Figure out how you will make the cost every month. Will you have a part time job or tutor or babysit somewhere that's not your parents for cash? You probably could knock a phone bill out with a couple hours a week doing something, and save up.
Also- i see almost everyone mentioning you getting a new place (an apartment) eventually, I wasn't sure if you considered college at all. You can fill out financial aid and apply if you're not going this fall, and spend the next year working and saving money. Good luck!
BE VERY CAREFUL. Especially with this being your first relationship, I am so serious. A LIFESTYLE suggestion from me to you; NEVER compromise your personal need to remain child-free for sexual gratification (yours or theirs). Accidental pregnancy is a risk for anyone who can get pregnant, particularly when regularly sexually active with biological men.
Birth control can fail.
If you end up in a long-term commitment or marriage, talk to your partner about getting a vasectomy. ALWAYS discuss children early with potential partners, and be clear about your stance. Walk away if they are on the fence. You do NOT want to be tied to someone who is demanding children of you.
I also grew up as an oldest sibling in a house full of kids (and emotionally immature parents), and have never wanted children.
Yes but being a victim of parentification makes you more likely to not want children. It’s not 100% because I was parentified and I have 3 children and love children in general, but most of the people who went through the same things as me, that I’ve met in support groups, are childfree.
My grandmother was the oldest of six kids. She always said she raised the others. Not totally but definitely played a large role. (She was born over a hundred years ago and to farm people so definitely the norm back then). Her mother was sickly which made it worse. She had my mother. My mother was an accident. She resented her. She was a lovely maternal figure to me, but my mother struggled all her life with feeling unloved because my grandmother was so resentful of having to raise the siblings.
As long as you’re respectful you should be able to ask any hard questions or explain any worries you have to him and his parents if you all sat down together. It’s an adult situation essentially so you have the best platform to be open honest and transparent with any hardships you’re concerned about coming into you or them.
guilt is how you are manipulated into being another parent. Your emotions are used against you. Blame and shame are powerful weapons of emotional destruction/dysfunction.
What I have read from research is that if you move away you may struggle with wanting to be independant, less of a burden that you have experienced as shameful and yet be dependant which you may also struggle with. You may be seen as abandoning your family and some of the children will also be influenced to believe that of you, that can take years of therapy to deal with the guilt.
You can struggle with not wanting to be dependant on another and be too independant as you are used to doing everything yourself and it can lead to partners feeling like that are not needed. A balance will be hard to do and you may need help to find what that looks like for you and them. Communication in an honest, trustworty, respectful and open way will be a great benefit but will take time as you have learned a lot of habits about behavour from your family. You may even push people away as the risk of letting people in and care for you can feel too much to handle.
Now this is all in the future, but if you are truly leaving one day it will come to pass, the choice is yours if it is now or later and how much you can handle if it is soon. You may feel you are mature and you probably are but some of the cost to your own development of who you are is still to come.
Do it now, do it later, you will leave it just depends when and how.
Further research into family boundaries, how to enforce them and how to cope with cutting off people is advised. Also parentification.
This is really sage advice, that no matter when she leaves she will feel some form of guilt because there will always be a younger sibling. Might as well leave now when she has the opportunity and do the work to help squash that feeling of guilt and get her life and independence on track.
Thank you so much for typing this out. It made me learn some things about myself. I definitely was parentified as a child (not to OP’s extent, but still was nonetheless), and I have a lot of guilt that was brought on by my parents and sibling without my sibling knowing that it’s what they were doing to me. I have barely any contact with my family now and it feels wrong to me, but also very helpful for my development.
Sounds like the best thing for YOU would be getting away from your Mom and all those kids. They are NOT your responsibility. However, only knowing this boy for a year, I'm hesitant about advising you to move in. BUT, since his parents seem genuinely nice, IIWY, I think I'd go for it at least for your own mental health. Again, they are not your kids and you are not responsible for them. Good luck!
I do love both my mother and my siblings. They're just a lot sometimes, and my mother doesn't think a lot.
And I would agree, that is one of my concerns. He is very nice, but we haven't really been together for very long and since I haven't been in a relationship before, it makes it harder to know.
In some ways I am, but probably not to this extent.
Maybe say it's for a limited amount of time for now - till the summer holidays, for example, so you can concentrate on school. Then you can reevaluate after that.
To not feel too guilty, you could also consider going home on a set day, say Saturday afternoon, to help your mom and see your siblings. That way, you'd have firm boundaries in place but would still be in their lives.
And something else: I don't know where you live, but if it's a European country, there's a good chance that your parents can get someone like a family helper for the time around the birth of your new sibling who is paid by health insurance. Maybe look into this for them and offer it as a kind of out for yourself so you don't have to be your mother's primary afterbirth carer once again. As the child will likely be born during your last year of school, this might have a heavy impact on your future.
By the way, the very fact that you're doubting whether you can accept your bf's family's offer because you might be too much of a burden shows that the life you've had in your family has taught you to occupy as little space as possible, to make yourself small for the sake of others. And while it's good to be there for others, too, you should never do it to the extent of neglecting yourself. Your bf's parents would not have offered if they couldn't afford it.
Have a look into it. I know that it's possible here in Germany in special cases like triplet births, but also for mothers with many children who don't have help otherwise. And Scandinavia usually is even better in social services than us.
I don't know where exactly you're from, men jag tycker synd om dig :(
I would move in with the boyfriend, do a trial period and see how it goes. I did that with my ex, and his family was super supportive and caring. And it really was great tbh. After a year or so we moved into our own apartment.
But you know, if you're 18 and you move in with your boyfriend. You're entitled to government aid ("försörjningstöd" is what it's called here) and you apply every month. Ask his parents to set up a "rent" and a contract, like.. Let's say 3000kr or whatever and the government will aid you in paying rent, phone bills and food and clothes.
As long as you're 18 it's OK. And they also won't deny you help if you state that you had to move out because of your mental health and for your sleep. They'll grant you aid quicker. The only requirement is that afyer you've graduated you need to apply for jobs.
Lycka till ❤️
Edit: I just wrote Kr since I don't know which currency you have. But it's still somewhat similar.
if it’s at all reassuring, my husband and i met when we were 18 and moved in together across the country after about 8 months- he was in a similar situation to you now, and due to where he grew up being too expensive to move out, was a bit stuck.
i was living by myself, so we just decided to move in together and see how it went. we’ve been together 6 years now :)
You’re not moving in with him solo, he won’t be in control. Honestly this is one of the more stable, safer options you’re going to have in your situation. If, for some awful reason, his parents try and take advantage likes yours have, you’ll have the option to pick from the lesser of two evils.
Make no mistake, though: what’s happened to you in your family will take YEARS for you to recover from, if you ever do. I was parentified and made to take care of a younger sibling until our parents finally split us up and left us to fend for ourselves. The guilt never goes away, though, bc you’ve been conditioned to feel those children WHO ARE NOT YOURS are your responsibility. They are not, and it’s past time for you to find a way to live your own life of your choosing.
Another thing to consider is how do you think your parents would react to you moving in with your boyfriend, even for a little while? Because it would be an easier decision if you could move back home whenever you wanted to. I wouldn't suggest it if that isn't going to be an option, as I’m sure you wouldn't want to feel like you are stuck there, either. If you can move back home whenever you like, then I don't see a problem with staying there, at least for a trial period at first.
What a mess. I'm so sorry your parents are abusing you in this way. Staying with your boyfriend for even a short time to get a break, hopefully get therapy, and make a plan for your *independent* life (could still involve the boyfriend if that's what you want) sounds like something you need right now.
Hi OP, I’m the oldest of 7 (luckily my mum is done having kids as I’m now 25 with two of my own). It’s hard to peel yourself away from the situation when you’ve been in it for so long. It never got to the level of dependence as your situation has, but having to help my mum look after all the kids really took a toll on my mental health and I didn’t realise how much until I left. My parents would happily leave me overnight with them at 18, even with an epileptic sibling and a toddler, but my dad would refuse to look after them all at the same time because he couldn’t handle it. I left at 18 to go to uni and only went back home for holidays and my goodness it was the best decision I could have made. Would it be possible to try and get a weekend job? That way if you do move in with your boyfriend, you can offer a bit of cash to his parents to help offset any additional costs you living with them might accrue.
It is not selfish to think of yourself in this situation. It’s probably the same with your mum but mine was almost addicted to being pregnant. As soon as her 18 month- 2 year wait between c-sections was up she was pregnant again. I think even having that bit of freedom by staying with your boyfriend might help you massively. You can still visit your family, but they won’t be dependent on you.
I wouldn't be surprised if my mother is as well. Sometimes she doesn't even wait the recommended time based on when she gets pregnant, I think she annoys the doctors.
And that's a good idea, thank you.
If you have anything important & meaningful to you it might be worth taking over to your boyfriend's parents before you announce moving to your family - that way your parents & siblings won't worry about you moving because it will be so easy to do
Honestly it’s so foreign to me! I hated being pregnant both times, yet she was all “oh you’ll miss the baby kicks when he’s born” while I was pregnant with my second. Erm no, I miss my body being mine. I love my boys to pieces but 2 is enough for me.
I don’t get it either!! I see lots of people rave about their pregnancies but didn’t really feel that way myself. I love my kids but stopping at 2 was a hard line for me. Luckily my partner is terrified of having anymore too 😂
I moved out at 18 to live with my now fiancé and his family. It honestly saved my life. I got my education done and now I have a nice job and enough savings so I'm independent.
Keep your line of communication open with friends and anyone who could help you out if things with your bf goes sideways, but I can recommend taking the opportunity.
I think you should do it, but you also need to talk to your boyfriend and his family about logistics before moving in.
Would you have your own room, or be expected to share his? What about bathrooms?
Do you need to work and contribute financially for food or anything?
What happens if you guys break up?
How will transportation be handled? Do you or your boyfriend have a car? Will his parents have to drive you places?
What will your chore responsibilities be?
How will it be handled if someone from your family shows up and tries to drag you back? I know at 18 you legally don’t have to but guilt can be a hell of a thing.
This is one of the best comments here so far.
18-year-olds generally have no business moving in together, but in your situation, it sounds like your best option.
I strongly disagree with everyone here saying that you _must_ contribute financially if you move into your bf's mom's place. Of course it's correct to offer to help or chip in. But if his mom says "I don't want your money" then the only correct response to that is a gracious "thank you." It sounds like she's doing this to help you gain sound footing as you start off in life. You don't gain sound footing by having to pay rent or go into debt before you've even finished high school.
I wish you the best in this difficult situation.
Defiantly own room. If they are not sexually active yet, the last thing she wants is to be in a situation where the power structures in the relationship have changed, and they are sharing a room. Could lead to pressure to do thing she may not be ready for.
I'm also from a Nordic country (Finland), and I know how much family and sticking to them no matter what is emphasised in probably all of our cultures. But as seen in cases like yours (and mine, too) it just creates maladaptation where individual harm get ignored or hidden away because they're not "good for the family" as a whole. Any kind of fracturing is BAD no matter how deserved it is, blah blah blah.
Fuck that. You are their *child*. They are supposed to look after YOU, not treat you like a nanny. It doesn't matter if they don't do it deliberately, they're still doing it. *THEY* are the grown-ass adults, and *THEY* should behave like it. It is not up to you to pick up the pieces because all they're good for is breeding.
I'm 38. My situation was different, but it took me a long time to be able to admit that despite how much I love my parents, they fucked up. Although I may have felt like a failure, *they* set *me* up to fail.
I understand that you're concerned for your siblings, but you can't set yourself in fire to keep them warm. You have a lot people giving you good advice here, and best of all, you have people in real life who are offering to help you. Please, take the opportunity and look after yourself.
As someone has already mentioned.. They took time to offer which means it's a well thought out offer especially when his mother is involved. She must have thought through.
When you accept their offer. Promise them you will get out and start paying them back as soon as you start working and become financially independent. Be grateful for their offer and try to be Minimalistic as possible so you don't feel like you are burdening them. Help out bf mother in her chores. Since you are already used to so much house work.. Helping bf mother would be very less as compared to your current situation. And study hard and try to get financially independent soon as possible.
Honey, you've been so conditioned - brainwashed - into a life of sacrifice and self-abnegation that you feel guilty about taking a right and appropriate step that will be good for you on every level, is developmentally and age-appropriate, and will help you build the foundation for your future success and happiness.
It feels like a leap of faith, because it is. This is probably the first time you put yourself first, but, saying this as a mom.... you need to. Look, the living with the boyfriend's parents is a temporary stepping stone. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year... It will let you clear your head and have some time and space to decide your next step and get a job and figure out adulting.
The biggest reason to do this is because your selfish parents are 100% invested in holding you back. Right now they are getting a full-time trained Nanny for free... if they were paying you, for that many kids and the 24/7 shifts? you'd be getting $600-$1200 per week. Those are not your children. Parentification is abuse. You were 100% right in your outburst that your family has no business popping out kids they can't take care of... that wasn't disrespectful, it was fact.
So yes, pack your things, get your important documents like your birth certificate and any personal items... and expect your mother and father to be completely toxic, enraged, and emotionally and verbally abusive about your decision. Have your boyfriend with you as a witness. Call the police for a safe escort to take your stuff and leave, given your father already got physically violent with you. Get your own phone because your parents will cut yours off... transfer all your numbers in advance. Beforehand, give your older siblings contact information so they can reach you privately. Your parents will try to turn your siblings against you. Expect this. It's what toxic abusers do. But later on you'll be able to reconnect, possibly even help them get out in turn.
Good luck, OP... you're not being selfish. It just *feels* selfish because you've been brainwashed in a toxic family.
Hey honey,
You need to set boundaries that are fair for you, your mental health and what you need.
That being said, this may cause a huge rift with your parents and also with your siblings who may feel you've abandoned them. This may be misplaced, as they should be getting their needs met by your parents rather than you, but it is something to consider in part of your decision.
What I'd consider is phrasing the change based upon your needs to focus on your studies and final year of education. This will hopefully help you soften the blow and cause less friction with your parents and siblings.
If you can wrangle it, a trial period would be helpful so you can see if you're mental health, studies, and happiness improves living with your boyfriend and his family. You could phrase this reason being about a big assessment coming up and how you want to concentrate are struggling with the busy household.
I'd also recommend reading Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It might really help you understand the difficulties you face with your home dynamic.
I'd also recommend seeing a school counsellor as it seems like you may have been parentified by your parents to fulfill a parenting role for your siblings.
And finally, this is totally my own opinion, but I hope you are using protection with your partner. It sounds like you really need time to be your own person separate yourself from the responsibilities of being an older sibling in a very chaotic home. Accidentally falling pregnant would completely not be what you need at this point in your life.
Wishing you all the best!
I know. Especially a couple of my little sisters, they would be really upset and I don't want them to be upset because I'm not there for them.
That could work, but I'm not sure if it would. I've never had issues with my results before because of it, and they'd probably just say I have a lock on my door and to use it.
I don't think so, I think they just didn't think how many children they have and how that would mean they can't look after all of them.
And definitely, I absolutely hate babies and pregnancy seems disgusting, that would be my worst nightmare.
Hun, they don’t “just not think”. They are full grown adults who know exactly what children are and how much they cost. They’re just depending on your free labor.
Even if your grades are going well (well done you by the way!) phrasing it like this can be a huge help in softening the blow.
Yes, at first they will dismiss it but be polite and firm. This is your last year of school that's going to set you up for the rest of your life. They don't need to understand the *why* but making the why not a judgement of their way of life and their family choices, which are very personal things, will make it easier for them to swallow.
Huge hugs to you and I hope you feel you have options.
Do it. They invited you knowing the cost. I'm sure you'll pick up after yourself. Take the opportunity, have a tiny bit of time for yourself to live an easier life.
So sorry you have to deal with this.
Have a chat with his parents. “Hi, BF said I can live here. That’s such a generous offer. I just want to make sure you’re really ok with this?”
If they say they are, ask about:
- their expectations on how you should conduct your self in the house and contribute (chores? Board?)
- How long the offer is for, e.g until the end of school?
- Will you be in boyfriends room or you own?
If all goes well and you move in, make sure your planning/saving for your own place once school finishes. Your boyfriend sounds lovely but it’s a big power imbalance to be completely dependent on him for a home long term.
OP if you were my kids partner my home would be open to you. You're being, whether deliberate or not, and independent of malice on your parents part, psrentified, which to me is a form of abuse.
You may be 18 but you're still very young and in education. You may not chose tomlive full time with your BF but if it's a serious relationship and you love him and don't see you guys breaking up soon, then I'd consider, at least temporarily staying there for a break. You could tell your parents its tomrocus on education and studies and to give them space for the new arrival.
as someone who left my home to move in with my fiancé for similar and not reasons (parentification and many other abuses), i also had these fears. whatever money they spend on you to house you is completely worth it in their eyes if they offered it — families who say yes have thought about it, and any money spent is worth it for your health and safety, because they care about you. i’m at the point now where my in-laws see me as a kid of their own now, and i’ve lived rent free so far, and because if it i know now what familial love should be like.
as long as you have other supports like friends and even a simple part-time job to help out a little, it will be so unbelievably worth it — you’ll at least even *have* the chance to find your footing and who you really are, where with your family you will be second mom for a very long time and your dreams might be forced to the side. find your individuality, grow, heal, this is a much safer next step than staying if his entire family agrees to it
I have almost raised my little brother. I know your in too deep right now, but it is abusé, you have been robbed of many years of what should be carefree childhood. You are 18, you should not have those kind of responsibilities. You should feel free to go live with your boyfriend for a time, you should not feel guilty to leave, you did not make those kids.
I know they are your family, and you love them and you feel like you owe them everything. But you are young, you did not decide to come to this world, and you are not supposed to raise children when you ate yourself a child. Matter of fact you can't, so you stopped being a child and became an adult.
Please go to your boyfriend. Experiment freedom, be young, don't have responsibilities, sleep ad much as you want, play games all day, have fun with this guy you like. Try it, see if taking care of 9 children is really what you want.
Also, I think you should do this to save your mother. She doesn't realise what she's getting into, you are going to leave, and then what ? Is one of your younger siblings supposed to take your place ? Are they capable of doing this ? Do they want to ? What us going to happen when you leave ?
You also need to know how your parents react when you try to leave. Because if they react badly today, its going to be worse and more coercive with time, and you are going to get stuck.
Leaving for a few weeks is the best solution by far.
You may think you would be a burden because the nonstop flow of babies ARE a burden. You are not. You require no maintenance, clean up after yourself, and you will probably *gasp* contribute to their household if you choose. You will cost a bit more in food, but it sounds like that is okay.
Do it, but always work toward total independence. Get a job and save your money. From girl-to-girl, my best advise is to ALWAYS have an emergency stash of money. Always. You got this!
Edit: You may feel selfish for making the correct decision. Another word for this is "manipulation." Your parents are not acting in your best interest, and it's your responsibility to make sure your needs are being met. Thats not selfish. Having too many kids and putting their responsibilities on you IS selfish. Sorry, you can still love them while stopping their exploitation.
You are a victim of parentification, your parents will likely flip their lid when they lose the main caretaker of most of your siblings.
PLEASE take your boyfriend up on his offer. You need to get out of your home ASAP for the sake of your future.
make sure you are protected emotionally from this situation and don't become dependant on your boyfriend. doesn't sound like your parents can provide emotional support, so I hope you know what a good relationship looks like. move out asap either way, as your parents are useless, but make sure you use more protection than you think is needed so you don't get trapped in the same cycle your mom is in. are they in a cult btw? because most normal people stop at like... max 5 kids.
You're in a situation where your mother and father has parentified you. Your next move is to cut down on parenting your siblings. If they wake you up then tell them to go wake up your mom. If they need help with anything tell them to ask your mom. You need to step out of the role of a parent.
Whether you move out, go live with your BF, or go an get an education is completely up to you. They're not your children, you're also 18 so you're free to make your own arrangements.
Hey, I’m 26 now, but when I was 18 I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and his family because my parents were toxic while I was dealing with undiagnosed bipolar. I didn’t have 8 siblings, but I have a brother a lot younger than me and I was the childcare for him and all of their friends kids while they partied every weekend or worked late. Being parentified really sucks but it was extra weird to be every kids older sister, too.
My parents have a decent age gap and my mom had me (planned) at 19, so they were young. My husband’s parents are a similar age to my mom.
I had some issues living with my husbands parents, don’t get me wrong, but his mom was able to show me how to exist as a human who wasn’t just around for kids. I expected it to be a temporary arrangement, but she became more of a parent to me than my mom was in those early adult years. My MIL is still one of my best friends, we talk every day, I love her like she raised me.
I think you should talk to everyone involved and see how they feel, if you think your romantic relationship is strong enough. I ran from home without telling my parents but I also was finished high school. I was not with my husband long when we did this arrangement. I did get an IUD so I wouldn’t get pregnant before I wanted to. (His mom actually held my hand as they put it in because he couldn’t be there, lol)
We celebrate 9 years together in a couple of weeks and have good relationships with both sides of the family, after a lot of therapy. I don’t think any of this would have worked if I stayed home at 18. No kids to take care of either, a choice I eventually realized I could make.
Good luck OP, from the older sibling I wish you could have had.
Well, you are 18 so you can make your own decisions; yet I don't think it's an easy decision to make.
You mentioned that your dad works all day and your mum cannot deal with 9-10 children which then makes sense your other siblings look up to you for attention.
I understand how exhausting it is. And you didn't sign up for this kind of life. Your parents are very immature and irreponsible and don't care about the consequences.
Still, I think the guilt will definitely eat away at you.
Man, what a dillemma.
I mean, you are just 18 too. You're not fit to be taking care of so many children yourself either. You can't mentally deal with that.
I would probably go to your boyfriend for the time being to think things over there. You might want to consider reaching out to child protection services. I don't really think your parents understand the kind of unhealthy environment they've put these children in.
And they can't expect all the weight to fall on you either.
They still are your siblings of course, but you can only help them as much as you can help yourself first. There's no point in continueing as it is if it is you who winds up broken. And then how will you look after them at all anymore?
I am, but I still have a year of school to go, and although I do have work, I can't work very often so I don't have much money. So although I can make my own decisions, I'm not really much of an adult.
He does, because so many children is quite expensive so working more makes it easier. And I don't mind my siblings, but they can be so annoying sometimes and won't leave me alone for once, it's like I'm their extra mother.
I think I might consider it. And no, there's no point in that. There's nothing wrong as such, my parents didn't mean for this to happen, it just sort of did. And there isn't much to do about that.
I guess, I do think that sometimes. They always preached to us at school about how important it is, but clearly not to them. I think they just like having children, I can't imagine why.
Look up breeding fetish and think about if that's a good reason to force a *child* to look after all their other children.
It's also possible your parents are getting money from the government for each child. Not sure how it works in your country.
There's no good reason to have as many children as they do and not handle their children themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if you're all being exploited for your parents' gain.
You should look into it. If you found something nefarious, you could use it in your favor. Righteously, preferably. Like if they want to withhold identity documents, guilt you, use your siblings to guilt you, the whole shebang. I'm calling it ethical blackmail, but I'm sure others would disagree with that.
If you want to report this to someone, you need to gather a lot of info. So I'd blackmail for your own survival until you have enough info to alert authorities. Threats wouldn't work long-term in this situation anyway.
If you didn't have to look after 5-9 children, you'd have the energy and time to work more.
I understand your conflict, but ultimately, you didn't choose this life for yourself - unlike your parents. What happens when you go to college or get a full time job? Will the next siblings just replace you? Or are you forever the chosen live in nanny? My grandmother didn't have as many siblings, but she was the oldest and therefore was always an afterthought. She didn't get further education like her sisters or even much of an inheritance SHE worked to maintain which was basically gambled away by her lazy brother. She got away in her late 20s and started to build a farm with her husband and basically nothing while her siblings lived comfortable lives with office jobs and annual vacations.
Think long and hard about what your future will look like and when you need to break away to not end up providing a good life for your siblings and later on a care giver for your parents, because all your siblings "have good jobs/families/lifes they can't neglect" to take care of your parents. They won't feel the same obligation you do, because they grew up with you as a second mom who doesn't have her own life, wants or goals...or even worthwhile job because you didn't have the chance to build a career. The same obligation you feel, because you were parentified and struggle to distance yourself from responsibilities that were never yours to begin with. An 18 year old should be responsible for their laundry, some chores (which may include SOME kind of babysitting, 5 hours/week max., more should be paid) outside of school and maybe shitty a part time job.
The reason why some recommended therapy referencing parentification is to find a healthier balance of what is an appropriate amount of responsibility parents can put on their child.
I wasn't parentified, but I am the oldest daughter and I was also the default when mom didn't have time. It took me til my late 20s to realize my siblings are now older than I was when I started taking over for mom and really struggled to let go of the obligation.
"No, I am not responsible for every gift or trip or meal we plan together. I can't organize/buy/drive, don't have an idea/plan this time, figure it out, I'll send you the money." It's still hard. But if you don't learn, you open yourself up to be exploited not only by your family, but also friends, boyfriends, employers.
I just read your other comments:
You keep talking about how your parents "don't think" a lot about having this many children. They are adults. They can count and calculate and have eyes. They see it, they just don't care.
Also, you are afraid of being a burden to your boyfriends parents. Nobody is afraid to burden you. Why are you so afraid? That's also part of the parentification. You got told many times how you are the big kid and deal with it. It is not a bad thing to ask for and receive help.
Your parents are old enough to know how **not** to make children. It doesn't "just happen". They are making the choice to do it.
You need to make your own choices. You might even be able to work a little more when you don't have all those children to take care of. And you deserve to study and sleep in peace.
I am a mom, and if my son asked me about bringing his GF in because of circumstances like yours, you would absolutely *not* be a burden. Follow house rules, clean up after yourself, and you are more than welcome to stay!
I read through quite a few comments and it seems no one has asked you what your options would be if you and he broke up and it wasn’t on good terms? I would think your parents would be happy to have you back home unless they decided to punish you for leaving but it’s something you should think about. It certainly sounds like you could use a break though. I feel sorry for both you and all your siblings.
Does CPS investigate and intervene without separating families? We’ve only ever heard of horror stories about CPS on TV in my country. If it’s like our system, I’m for it. Intervention without splitting families.
THIS IS ABUSE. Get out. Babysitting when they go on a date is normal. Teaching your sister how to use her tampons is not. It is not normal for you to get half a dozen kids ready for school. It's not normal. It's not normal for you to be the one your siblings go to in the night. This. Is. Abuse.
Your mother is not old. I'm one year older than your mother, and I'm still fertile. My husband had a vasectomy back in 2011. He's my age, and many of our friends are having their first and second children. They waited.
It doesn't matter if they feed you and clothe you. That is their job. You shouldn't be raising kids. It's so bad they made you think pregnancy is gross and you hate babies. Why? Pregnancy and babies are usually a beautiful experience, but not back to back to back to back. You may not have decided to be a child free woman had your parents chosen a different path. They made you hate it... another symptom of the abuse.
If you don't go with your boyfriend and his family, reach out to your school and ask if they have resources because you don't want to live at home. You have been completely parentified.
Lastly, get on birth control. If you decide to move in, things may happen. The smartest people in the world still make bad decisions because sexual desire is intense. Get bc and have your boyfriend ALWAYS use protection.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry, but this is parentification, and as someone who has been through this, it absolutely is abuse. It's hard, I know, because people hear abuse and think physical
However, reading how stressed you are over having to deal with more siblings that you have to look after shows how mentally taxing the parentifiying abuse can be.
my advice is to take some time away to your boyfriend's and have a conversation with his parents and any other relatives and see if they can help you budget for a place of your own and help you get a job on the side and to teach you how to pay for bills if you haven't had to do that already
Do not inform your parents about any of this because the liklihood of them telling you that money could be used on the newborn is high trust me but find an adult you can trust and talk to them
I wish you luck op 🙏🏻 ❤️
Have an honest talk with your bf and his parents. About your fears of being a burden. Time away in what is hopefully a normal family will show you what a family is supposed to be. You're another parent not a sister. It's not your responsibility, morally or legally.
I'm the youngest of six and I wondered for decades why my brothers were LC with me. I hadn't said or done anything that I was aware of. After our mum died my brothers started to let slip that them looking after me and teaching me was not their idea. If they didn't do it who would. Sound familiar? They grew up silently resenting me and as soon as they left home I hardly ever saw them again.
Your mum is irresponsible and your dad you clearly dislike as you never say how nice he is.
When you leave, make a plan, start getting your essentials out before hand including documentation. Cause when you announce you're leaving it will hit the fan and the guilt tripping will begin and you'll see how much they expect you to do this. You think you choose to help... think again.
You have got some good advice already. My suggestion would be this: move in with them on a trial basis over the summer, set ground rules early (your contributions, chores, etc). Try to work some extra over the summer and save up.
When fall comes, re-assess. If it works out fine with your bf and his family, stay. Perhaps with the extra energy from not being a nanny, you will have more energy for school and work.
If it doesnt work out, start look into student accomodation for 24/25 or move back home.
Use this summer to plan for the next steps after graduation. I also recommend to live separately from your bf for a year or so then to become more independent. Mention this early to him to set expectations.
If you know what you wanna study after HS, start planning for accomodation: for example rent a room until you qualify for student housing.
If you dont know, consider swedish Folkhögskola for a year to help figure it out, it should be free for the rest of scandinavians. If you’re from DK or NO, you’ll figure out the language eventually, a few episodes of Broen a week can help until then :D.
Also, never feel guilty for ”leaving your family behind”, let the teenagers figure it out.
And if you havent already, book a visit to the doctor for a copper-thingy-installation or something like that. Or condoms. Or both. You know why.
That’s the end of my novel. Jag tror på dig, det här kommer bli bra!
I think regardless of what you do, the fact that you think so deeply about consequences is to your favor. Many kids your age would jump blindly to their boyfriends house to escape their home life , but you seem to be going into it with open eyes.
Unfortunately, it seems as if your choices are limited. Stay, and have to continue to take on a parental role to your other siblings or leave and live with your boyfriend in a situation that may or may not be right for you and your relationship. I think as long as you are clear eyed about your boyfriend and that living situation - and you use a condom yourself! - it might be a better option and a step toward independence. It doesnt sound like your home situation would provide you with resources (money/support) as you bridge your way to adulthood. In fact, it will drain you of time/energy/money.
Its also not to say if you move out you cant help your siblings when you have time - but you'll better be able to say no if you dont have to live there.
The one thing you might do is have a frank conversation with your boyfriend about expectations. You're young - way too young to get married and start a family. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your own future, whatever that might be.
Ask if there’s a spare room for you in their house. Not your bf’s room, but your room of your very own. If not I wonder if there’s a dormitory you can move into just to let you study and concentrate on your own life.
Babies and pregnancy are not disgusting, but I completely get your need for space and no you don’t own your mother free childcare services. It’s so weird how some women can have gazzilions of babies and others can’t have a single one. Just thinking of an article I read where woman spent 300k on IVF, she could have just asked a mum like yours to be a surrogate. You might have the same blessed genetics so be very careful around birth control. Don’t move into the same room as your bf, you are too young to live together and really just need your own space.
You should go to your boyfriend's for a couple of weeks to see how it goes.
It will be good for your parents to see how much work having all these children is when they actually have to parent them.
It isn't your fault, but you have been put in a position to almost enable their behaviour. You are always there to fill in the parenting gaps. That is their job.
Show them them what it means to be the parents of 9 kids by stepping away. They should know.
I think under different circumstance I’d be telling you you were crazy. You’re only 18. But given all of the circumstances… And the fact that you wouldn’t just be moving in with him, it would actually be with his family. I think you should take it.
If you don’t want to be a bother to his family then don’t be a bother.
All you have to do is be a considerate guest. Pick up after yourself. Don’t add to their chore list. Once you get in the groove of how they live their lives, merge into that groove as much as possible.
Offer to help with whatever you are comfortable with, whether that’s making dinner or doing up the dishes after dinner or running the vacuum or anything you’re OK with doing.
Don’t leave your hair in the shower drain, and if you’re on your period wrap up your pads or tampons before putting them in the garbage. If you use a dish, rinse it out and put it in the dishwasher.
If you want to take a shower, check with everyone else and make sure no one else wants to use the bathroom first or go in the shower first.
I have let so many people stay with me over the years and the ones that got on my nerves were the ones that took advantage of my hospitality.
Even when I visit someone’s house for the weekend, I make sure that I can lighten their load instead of adding to it.
I’m actually excited for you. You actually just get to be an 18-year-old for a change. I hope this works out for you.
Oh gosh,I am so sorry. This is a mess.
I’m a middle born of such a situation & you know how my older siblings were able to help? By helping themselves first. And you know what, my mom indirectly made it up by taking responsibility & creating space for them to do so and encouraging them to go. But still…
Your parents acting like this is a situation beyond their control & you aren’t entitled to your frustration is a huge red flag. It has done a number on me… So this is def abuse!
Would you feel at ease staying at your bf? If we’re talking about a mentally healthy environment?
Do you have family you feel could help, anyhow? Even telling your parents to take start acting like parents to ALL their kids and give you your space. You need to concentrate on school!
Whatever you do, please make whatever decision that will see you thrive. You can tackle the rest as you go.
You need to put yourself first. Do what is best for you, because your family is not considering that. Leaving is the right decision. Your parents will make it hard for you. Just tell them if it isn't so hard, then they won't miss your help.
Also, get a therapist if you can. You have a lot to work through, stuff you don't even know. They can help you learn to navigate the world as an adult & without the lens of your family
I had a pretty damn similar issue when I was 18 because my parents were divorcing and shit was crazy at home. My girlfriends parents took me in and up until we broke up a few years later I had two homes as her parents were divorced but amicable :)
Because of that I went to school to be an auto mechanic and began my real becoming a man. Or at least the man who took care of himself.
I would say I became a man after I had my kids at 36 lol.
It is not your responsibility, your mom and dad are a major ah, they keep making kids because they know that you are staying
Move in with your bf and start your life
Honestly, being selfish is not a bad thing. It's just a thing. Too much of anything isn't good. It seems like you've had to be selfless for so long that being selfish feels like a lot and that is ok. What you want and need are just as important as anybody else's wants or needs. If this were a sibling or friend of yours that had this opportunity, what would you tell them to do?
It's good to be concerned, and to have a "kitchen table discussion" with his parents before making a decision. Make certain you understand their expectations, and what their limitations are - when would they expect you to move out being an important one. You will need a plan and a timeline for becoming independent both with and without your boyfriend. Without having to look after your younger siblings, could you work more hours? That might allow you to pay for the food that you eat at your boyfriends' home. You could also offer to pay for your "keep" by helping with chores.
Don't talk to your parents about it. In fact, as long as you can legally move out, don't tell them until you have everything you want to take with you out of the house - especially your birth certificate and other documents. Don't feel guilty about leaving your little siblings behind. It will be difficult, and it will be sad..... but your parents need to BE the parents. They are the ones that have chosen to have so many children.
It sounds like they really thought about it. And it sounds like you’re thinking about it too. You can contribute to the household. Be respectful of their rules, help clean and cook when you can. Honestly you being parentified by your parents isn’t ok. A lot of people go through having to raise their siblings and it’s not ok and not your job. If it feels comfortable to you, try it. Perhaps you could tell your family you have an important exam coming up or something and you need to stay for two weeks to study in peace as a trial run? Then if it doesn’t work and you need to go home you haven’t burnt any bridges?
Move in with them. Go NC with your parents. Let them deal with their kids. You deserve a year of freedom to be a kid. He wouldn’t have offered if they hadn’t said it was ok.
If you don't feel comfortable moving in full time, but want to get out of your parents home, you could consider renting a room nearby his parents so that you also have your own space and independence, but can split time between the two.
Accept his offer. This way you will gain some more of independence. You were treated like an adult not like a child since the beginning of your life - which is irresponsible and which is manipulative. It is your time for yourself, so move out, try to live with your boyfriend. Focus on your education and some part-time job, preferably weekend type. Keep attending school as normal and limit any contacts with your family to bare minimum or even zero. If they will try to dump kids on you - simply call the police, and report it. Do not let such a thing happen where they will drop the kids on you - while it is their responsibility to sort them out. Good luck.
I would say go for it but don't burn any bridges when you leave your parent's house. If things don't work out with you boyfriend you'll always want to be able to go back home.
As others have said be mindful of the messes you make, clean up after yourself, help with chores without being asked, and don't take super long showers or leave lights on when you leave a room.
I was a little shit head teenager and I regret it. Now as an adult I understand why my mom complained about all of these things. You deserve a safe space and if your boyfriend and his parents are offering you that you owe it to yourself to give it a shot.
I say go for it. But ensure you have plans in place to become independent ( schooling or work plans) I think this is a great opportunity for you put yourself first and take the next steps in your life. And your parents to step up. I think the only issue might be you siblings closer in age to you, it would mean they will be taxed with more. But that’s not in your control
I wouldn't usually recommend for an 18 year old to move in with their boyfriend, especially after one year, but in your case, I'd do it.
You shouldn't have to be a parent to your siblings. You should be a sibling, and it's time that you became their sibling again.
Your boyfriend gave it some thought. His parents gave it some thought. It's all thought out.
Go live with them, help them with cleaning and house chores. If you can, pay them for groceries. If you can't, just show your gratitude. I'm sure they love you and care about you and already see you as a daughter.
I like that your bf didn't just make a spontaneous offer, he actually spoke to his parents and they will welcomed you. You can go if you think you can't handle the chaos that is your parents' responsibility. Maybe stay there a few days a week so your younger ones don't miss you too much.
Please tell me your parents are atleast rich enough to take care of 10 kids without struggling
Speak to your bfs mother directly, re-explain the situation and ask what you’d be expected to do.
Check finances and if you’d need to contribute/ how much and if everything lines up, do it.
It's not selfish of you to go live your own life, stop enabling and bearing the brunt of your parents' poor choices!
In most cases, I'd say a young lady moving out at 18 to go live with a boyfriend is making a dumb decision--but not in your case. My vote is to NOT TELL your parents your plans--because they'll do all they can to prevent your leaving!--secure your valuables/irreplaceables, move a few items to his place gradually, grab your documents if you can, then one day leave for school with a very full backpack and just never come back home.
Be prepared for them to *order* you to come home, scream, rage, cry, guilt-trip you, and generally pull every possible manipulative trick in the book to get you to come home. Stand firm. THEY and they alone made all these kids and are fully responsible for them. They don't care about you per se; they just don't want to lose their free child care. NOT YOUR JOB.
Get an actual job ASAP. Lock down your birth control if you're sexually active (no early babies for you--you've got GOALS!). Look into post-secondary education or skills training. Contribute as you're able to your BF's parents expenses for your food/utilities, and start stashing money safely away where *no one else has access*! I hope you and your BF have a long and happy relationship and that all goes well living with his parents, but plan as though it could all go sideways at any time.
Wishing you freedom and unhindered growth, OP!
I left home at 17 years old. My boyfriends mother invited me to come and live with them. My own mother was impossible, violent and abusive. I wanted more than anything to change the trajectory of my life, and moving in with rational, calm, kind people was my first step in doing so. I could concentrate on my studies and focus. I did SO much better than I ever expected. I was happy and I could soar.
You are a mothers helper in a massively overpopulated home, no wonder you have no time for yourself, it just isn't fair.
Please accept this offer. I am so grateful that I was helped in this way. My life might have turned out very differently.
Thank you Pat Sheldrick. You changed my life.
It’s easy for your mother to keep popping out these kids because she isn’t the one raising them. You are! You have been parent horribly and don’t have time to be a normal teenager. I understand your reticence to moving in with them, but if I were you, I would give it a try. Your life will change so dramatically! And, it’s time for your mom and dad to realize that these are THEIR children. Not yours. Why would you be overjoyed at them dumping even more responsibility on you?
A lot of comments already, so this will be lost, but I haven't seen anyone say this:
Your parents are pouring out children they can't care for themselves because they are specifically calculating on decades of your free labor. The pressure to get you to turn your back on your life and stay will be immeasurable.
>When my dad got home, he got mad at me, grabbed me, yelled at me
Yes. He sees you as his property, and you were daring to express autonomous opinions. He may view women as breeders and childcare. He needs you under his thumb or he will need to figure things out.
They will use the children to call you and cry to guilt you back into compliance. You may know that will turn younger female siblings into their next sistermoms. Save yourself. Be safe, plan your escape from this madness accordingly.
Take this opportunity escape. You’re an adult and this gives you an opportunity to live your life for yourself while you still can. My only advice is that you work hard to make sure you get to know yourself even though you live with your boyfriend. Work to amass a sizeable next egg so that you’re not stuck if being with him is no longer something you want. And please use this time to have fun and be a kid! Plenty of time later to be a parent (if you should so choose).
Hmmm… I do believe that you could move out, so that your parents would have to live with the consequences of having so many children. Realistically, however, your responsibility will just shift to the next oldest child. What gives me pause about you moving out, is the thought that you would be making yourself vulnerable and dependent to this new relationship and his parents, and then if so, what if that relationship fails? Even though undesirable , in your present situation, you do have relative stability. Instead of moving out with your boyfriend, what I think you should do is find a way to gain some independence, and move on your own, or if you do move in with your boyfriend, quickly find a way to make yourself independent so that you can live on your own, or at least on your own terms.
You are 18, legally an adult in my country, but that doesn't mean you are ready to make all the decisions an adult makes. The best thing to do is talk to your boyfriends parents. They know you are being abused by your own parents and are trying to help you. Sitting down and having a calm discussion with them is the first step towards independence and having control over your own life. Make notes about questions you have, ask how you can contribute and not be a burden in exchange for the added expense this will cost them. This is an opportunity to change your life for the better, you need to deeply consider it.
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If it took him a few days to make the offer, then it means it’s been actually thought about and discussed rather than a spur of the moment thing. I imagine that with you being 18, the extra cost to his family of you staying with them isn’t as much as you imagine. Really it’s a food cost and perhaps a small bump in utilities. You could always trial it for a couple of weeks first. You’ll get time to find a part time job or concentrate on studies; you’ll be amazed at how better it’ll feel for you. Even just uninterrupted sleep will feel amazing. Please, seriously consider it for your own health.
It probably wouldn't be that much, I'm just nervous about being a bother. I don't want to be, since I'm not their child. It does sound like it would be nice, for once I want to sleep without a whiny child coming to me and crying in the middle of the night or a teenager having a breakdown. But I wouldn't want to be selfish.
It isn't selfish to take time for yourself so you can study and have a life. Your parents have been very selfish in continuing to have children knowing that you will do the hard work raising them and taking up the slack. Your mother may not go through menopause for ten more years, plenty of time to have more babies. You can't give up your own life chances to compensate for their choices. Give yourself a chance to go and make your own life.
I came on here to say exactly that… OPs mom could be popping out kids for at least another 10 years. 🤬 if she’s popping them out about every two or three years, that means she could have another 3 to 5 children.
I guess it’s less likely if she hasn’t had them already, but it would also really suck if one or more of those pregnancies were multiples ETA: I stand corrected: more likely as you age? Horrifying for OP’s gigantic family.
Actually it’s not. The older you get the more likely you are to have multiples. I was an oopsie baby for my mom who was in her early 40s… and so was my twin LOL It’s because as women get older they are more likely to release more eggs during ovulation. So fraternal twins and such are much more common. So, regardless of how many children someone has had their chances for multiples raise once they hit 35 and over.
Like in Parks & Rec where Henry Winkler as the ob/gyn tells Leslie Knope that her triplets are what's known in the biz, and he means no disrespect, as a Going Out of Business Sale
LOL ovaries be holding fire sales! 🤣
🤣🤣
Horrifying for the family. 2 pregnancies can turn 9 kids into into 13 real quick
This case is even worse; they were at 10 already, OP + 9 siblings.
It really can! I can also say babies are intense and take so much work. I have an 8 month old and I’m being run into the ground…and I get lots of help. I can’t imagine all these kids !!! It would be hellish. I don’t see why they are doing this to themselves. It would be a true hell on earth to have all these rug rats at your feet, screaming, needing things, being loud, never being able to get away… I’d move out as well!
It’s time for their mom to face the consequences of having so many.
I feel bad for the kids. Moms just going to dump things on the next oldest. It’s so wro
Well not just the mom. Dad is equally too blame.
Oh lord!! 🙀🙀🙀
all i'm thinking is "mormon or quiverful?"
Cheaper by the dozen
Also, at her age, the chances of her having a baby with Downs Syndrome or another trisomy is pretty high. Those chances will increase with every year.
Especially since the father is old as well. Older men’s sperm is rife with issues for children. So it’s a double whammy.
It’s 1%. That’s the risk of Down’s Syndrome with a pregnancy at 40. I wish people would stop this narrative that children born after 40 are doomed to have birth defects or other problems. But OPs mom should def stop having kids that OP then has to take care of.
One of my daughter's friends, first pregnancy, healthy as can be, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy with Downs at the age of 19. Sometimes these things just happen, you know? She was considered so low risk, I suspect they only did cursory checks - they only realised after he was born :(
Exactly. The risk goes up, sure. But the risk is still there for every other pregnancy too.
There are all sorts of problems for couples who are older having kids together. Here's a couple of quotes I got from several government health pages. "1 in 1250 for a 25 year old mother to 1 in 1000 at age 31, 1 in 400 at age 35, and about 1 in 100 at age 40). However, 80% of babies with Down syndrome are born to women under age 35 years." While having a baby with an older man can cause all sorts of birth defects. "The amount of DNA damage in sperm of men aged 36–57 is three times that of men <35 years" "Infants born to older fathers were found to be at higher risk of premature birth, late still birth, low Apgar scores, low birth weight, higher incidence of newborn seizures and birth defects such as congenital heart disease and cleft palate."
100% OP's parents are being incredibly selfish here. They seem to only be focused on the benefits they get from having all these kids, without any regards as to how they are going to meet the needs of them. The mom just seems like an extreme narcissist, the dad is probably the same plus co-dependent. My wife's family is like this (but so many kids). The dad is just concerned about making his wife happy and doesn't really care about the kids. The mom sees the kid's reason for existence as only to make her happy, but ultimately also does not care about the kids. The kids are left to fend for themselves.
Making sure your basic needs are met is not selfish. Making sure that you're getting a good night's sleep is not selfish. Not being a third parent when you did not sign up for it is not selfish. Your siblings should not be coming to you in the middle of the night. Your parents should have set that boundary for you with your siblings. Your boyfriend's parents probably see how unhealthy this situation is for you and how stressed you are and would rather you stay with them than continue to be in the situation you're in. Your parents made the choice to keep having kids. They need to be responsible for that choice. They can't just thrust that responsibility onto you. I get you want to help out, but it should not be at a detrimental cost to you.
As a mom, as long as you are generally respectful and don’t make unreasonable messes you don’t pick up, I wouldn’t think you to be a burden at all. But make sure you have all your important documents before making the move, as your parents may not look kindly on losing their free babysitter.
Well the next older child will take the place of OP and have to assist.
That’s not on OP and while that might happen, OP’s parents still aren’t going to be happy about it.
Hopefully losing their free babysitter will make them reconsider having more children.
If you help your boyfriend's parents eg:- like helping in kitchen, cleaning mess, helping in laundry etc... you are not gonna be considered as burden to them. These are just basic few things that we all living people do. While living with your boyfriend's parents you can also have some break from many mental burden that you're carrying. If I was in your place I would've gone to bf's place for sure. Also remember, they are not your kids and you are not responsible for them.
Yes.. do this! It sounds like they have probably considered the financial aspect of having you stay with them and are good with it. Make staying there an advantage for them. Clean up after yourself and help out a little. Do the dishes after dinner, fold towels...
I think it’s important to realize that not every parent sucks as much as your parents do.
I think this is what is holding OP back 😓 it has to hurt to see that (relatively) random adults are more willing to take care of her than her own parents. The feeling of being loved/cared for is too foreign and so she misidentifies it as being selfish.
Bingo. It’s really common to misconstrue those two things when you have rotten parents.
Right? You just want to give her a big hug and a fluffy blanket and set her up with tv and ice cream
Take a list of questions with you to talk about. -who is responsible for your food, sundries and cooking? -will you be able to do your laundry alongside theirs or have time to do yours separately? -would you be expected to pay rent and/or bills? If so, how much? -where will you sleep and store belongings? Will you have any private space and will you have guaranteed privacy when you need it? -you aim to move into your own place eventually, but how long are you welcome to stay, roughly? -in the event that you and your boyfriend experience a relationship break down or split up outright, will you be expected to move out right away? (This may be a tough one to talk about given your age and possibly lack of experience handling sensitive topics, but important to think about). -will you be allowed your own key and will there be expectations around when you come and go, e.g. home before midnight? As an idea, you can find examples and templates of “cohabitation agreements” online which lay out belongings, bills, notice for moving out etc. this could be helpful to look up?
As the parent who took in my teen's partner, this is absolutely spot on! Expectations need to be set up front.
This is so helpful
Honey you're 18, you're absolutely allowed to be selfish
This, OP. Your parents have been being selfish for years by having too many damn kids. It’s your turn for once.
Help with chores, help with cooking, offer to do anything possible around the house. You won't be a bother. I'm sure this is everything you already do for your siblings so everything will feel so natural.
You’re not gonna be a burden if you cook every now and then, do the grocery shopping with your bf sometimes, do your own laundry, clean up after yourself, find a part time job and pay what you can for utilities. You will be part of the household so you‘ll have to help with chores etc. That’s a given ofc. They’re not taking you in so you can be a princess and not lift a finger ever again. Ask them how they want things done and you’ll be a great help! But even with chores, study and a part time job, you‘ll feel freer and have way less to do than with a bunch of kids to take care of. Evenings for activities or dates, learning in peace before exams, free weekends for trips… you could be a normal teen. I think it’s time for you to be selfish for once in your life. Your siblings will do the same when they’re old enough. Until then the next one can help your mom. Bc you’re not responsible for any of them. You’re their big sis and you can keep being one by visiting them and being there for normal big sis things like opinions on outfits or boys. For the rest, send them back to your parents. Move out, set new boundaries and focus on yourself.
Just have a sit down with them all after you're settled and talk about the expectations. Then you can figure out together what's gonna work.
My brother's girlfriend lived with us for a while. A lot of parents just want to help. It is something i would do for any of my daughter's friends as well. The fact that it took a few days means they have thought about it and are sincere. And seriously, you sound like someone who would be nice to have around, who wouldn't take them for granted and would be appreciative. I really like the idea someone else posted of sitting down with them to talk it over. It would help to have a clear plan, clear expectations on both your parts, and reassurances and no surprises later.
Honey that’s not selfish. What your parents are doing IS selfish, they have just convinced you that it isn’t.
You’re an adult now. Plus you don’t owe your parents anything. They’ve used you for child raising and all that for years. You deserve a life. UPDATEME
You’ve never had the chance to feel like you aren’t a burden, you’ve always been stuck in a position of giving. You’ve always been stuck in a position where you are the one who cares, but doesn’t get the same care in return. You are not a burden, you are not a bother. You are more than just what you can offer others and it’s heartbreaking to see what has been taken from you because your parents are irresponsible. He loves you, it has been discussed with his family enough to the point they are all comfortable offering you a new home. I say take the opportunity, they care about you and you deserve some peace. You deserve to live your life with yourself in mind, not feeling responsible for others who aren’t supposed to be your responsibility. I’m so sorry OP, parentification is an awful thing and you deserved better.
think about it from his parents perspective. they're going into this knowing it would be another person in the house, another mouth to feed, another person they run into in the living room, \*\*and they still said you should come\*\*. it sounds like they have all thought it through enough before inviting you, if they thought you'd be a bother, there wouldn't have been an invitation. they likely see this as a way to bond with their future DIL and they want to give you a better life you should take them up on this offer. you deserve to not be parentified by your family. move in with your boyfriends family, and do things to remind yourself that you arent a bother. im sure they would love providing you peace and then seeing you vacuum for them, or bake some cookies for the week, or do the dishes or something to show appreciation. and it isn't selfish to want to sleep through the night without a sibling waking you up, or having to get children ready in the morning before you go to school. even if it was selfish, you deserve to put you first. you didn't get pregnant and have a kid (or 9, holy shit), so it is not your job or responsibility to raise them. moving out can be a way for you to establish a sibling bond with them. and if your parents are super pissed about you leaving... good riddance. they rely on you so heavily to clean up their messes, their kids' messes, and treat you like it's your job. it isn't selfish to put you first for once in your life
Listen: I was in the same situation as you (albeit with fewer children in the house), and my bf's mom made me the same offer. I'm in my 30s now, and OP, please take the offer. You'll be glad that you did. Tbh, one of my few regrets is that I let my mom and my anxiety bully me into staying at home as the third parent and emotional support eldest daughter, instead of doing what I needed to succeed. What you have been doing for your family is so admirable and selfless, but you can't keep pouring from an empty cup. You need to recharge and think about your own life for a change. It's not selfish to prepare yourself and your family for your inevitable departure from that situation. I know that it feels like you must stay, but staying is not a good idea for you, nor for your siblings. Leaving now is the compassionate choice. For me not only did me staying at home strain my grades, added unnecessary stress, and negatively impacted my future, but it also made the transition of me moving out difficult on my siblings. The kids also need to learn how to live without you, as one day you will move out to start your life. These last few months of high school are crucial to *your* development, and if you can you should have the opportunity to enjoy them without the responsibility of being the third parent. ETA: your family will eventually adjust to your departure, though it will be rough at first. Someone will step in or step up to help, and it doesn't need to be you! If you're still on the fence about it, maybe plan on going to your bf's for a while, say a few weeks, and then see how you feel? Think of it as a sort of vacation. Then decide whether you want to move back home. If nothing else, getting adequate sleep is important for you and your brain at this stage. Rest. You deserve it, even if you think that you don't.
Your parents have probably used the word “selfish” with you to shame you into letting them take advantage of you. I’m here to tell you that THEY are the selfish ones and projecting that onto you! Expecting you to be sacrifice your sleep, your life and your well-being to be responsible for decisions that you took no part in (the children). You are the epitome of selfless, and in my not so humble opinion need to be more selfish, there’s nothing wrong with that. I would highly suggest therapy as well to deal with growing up in such an abusive environment like this. You will need to deprogram yourself from all the manipulation and brainwashing that they’ve put you through. It sounds like they have weaponized words and manipulated you so much that you don’t even know up from down and you’ve learned to normalize very shitty behavior.
If they offered in good faith, you won't be a bother. Let me guess... when you told your parents that you needed your own time, they made you feel bad about it, right? You've been parentified by your parents and I think that is where the idea of feeling like you are selfish is coming from. It is absolutely not selfish to set a boundary to protect yourself and tajke some time to have self care. It is selfish to have children that you cannot care for and to make your oldest child raise them.
It’s ok to be selfish sometimes. Your needs are important and deserve to be met. It’s good to fight for yourself.
If you’re worried about being a bother, offer to pay a little rent (if you have a job. If you don’t, try and get one). Offer to do chores around the house, help out when you’re there, etc. If you’re kind and help out then they probably won’t mind having you there. But definitely start saving to get your own place as soon as you’re able. Is there anyone else you could go stay with?
If you don’t want to see yourself as a bother to them then make yourself useful there😁. Offer to help cook, clean, walk the dogs, help with laundry, loading dishwasher, etc. There are lots of ways to be helpful to someone else. Any of the things listed would be helpful to them and appreciated trust me.
You have spent your life being a support, not a bother, so you literally have no idea what it is to be selfish. Can you contribute to their household chores? Be grateful and a bit social sometimes? Then if so you will be fine. They will enjoy another person for a year. You can focus on your studies. Maybe you and boyfriend can help each other study? Be good influences
If you help out at home, then you're not a burden. Cooking ocassionally. doing your own laundry (no don't do your BFs laundry even if you're grateful for his help), buying groceries and so on. And of course, most importantly: Give an end date for when you plan on having your own apartment and get out of their hair. Not just for them but also for you, so that you can have a goal for yourself, and not for anyone else.
You seem to be a very considerate person. I'm sure you would be a lovely addition to their home because you will almost certainly clean and tidy up without being asked and so on. To ease your mind, I suggest having a family meeting with your boyfriend and his folks, his siblings and anyone else living in their home. Discuss their expectations, your fears, the plan if you and their son break up and so on. Based on that conversation, you can decide what you want to do. I'm curious if you have a counselor at school you can discuss your home life with? They can help you plan for your future after you graduate as well.
OP, not all selfishness is wrong. You have to put yourself first and take care of yourself. If your boyfriend offered and his family is serious about it, you can do as sewunusual said and test it for a few weeks until you find your bearings. If you go, do make sure to talk to your bf's family and check their rules, how divide their chores, where you'd sleep, etc.
You aren't their parent. Your parents need to figure it out. Time to put your needs first. I'd move out. Your parents also are clearly super fertile. My grandmothers each had their last kid st ages 46 and 49. This kid might not be their last. :/ Move out, get counseling. Parentification is a form of abuse. Go focus on your own life, it's time.
Clearly they must be. I was hoping that my little sister would be their last child but they just keep having more. It's disgusting.
average age for menopause is 52 and the odds of having multiples goes up the closer to menopause. They might not stop having kids for years.
Oh god…
If they want more kids that's their choice but they should be able to afford them and not turn you into a third parent. Like siblings should help (do chores, help sometimes with younger siblings) in my view but not to the point that's all you do. You need to be developing your own hobbies, preparing for post-secondary and exploring your interests, and not spend all your time being a "mom" to your siblings. Don't feel guilty for leaving.
Yes, exactly what I was thinking. And, I think 18 is a fine age to spread your wings. Family is irreplaceable, but there comes a time when you are ready for your own life. Don’t be mad, things always look different as you age and experience life. Love your family, but when it’s time for you to start a life of your own it’s natural.
I understand your guilt but that’s just because you’ve been made to put yourself second your whole life but this is such an amazing lifeline please take it it’s not up to you to parent your siblings
Also please always use protection yourself with your BF! You def don’t want your own kid rn when you’re just now getting a chance to have your own life 💕
Shit, my 63 yo uncle and his 54 yo wife just popped out an unplanned miracle baby a few months back. both first time parents though
I would talk with your boyfriend and his parents about how this living situation would work. Explain to them your goal is to keep working, finish school and get full time job so you can move out on your own. Do not put yourself in a position the boyfriend goes with you. You need to be on your own at some point. Do not get pregnant. My fear is if you stay with your parents, they will not only use you as caregiver, but as income by charging you rent. I do not know how you would ever get enough ahead then to get out.
This is excellent advice, OP. Make very clear to BF *and his parents* that this does not mean you’re tying yourself to him for life, it’s a stop-gap solution to get you through your last year of school. If they’re OK with that - and, to be clear, *they should be* - then as long as not anything about BF or his family that you’re not telling us, this sounds like a good option to me You might also try discussing how the household will work before you move in. I say that thinking of a girlfriend of my brother’s who lived with him and our parents for a few months, tried to take up as little space as she could because she, like you, was worried about being a burden, and ended up hurting their feelings by, from their POV, avoiding them I wouldn’t worry about the bills, the addition for you will be tiny and they’re sensible people, they’ve made the offer knowing there will be this small impact on their expenses. If you’re really worried about, tho, you might consider getting maybe a Saturday job and contributing some of the pay towards the household. Again, though, don’t push too hard on that, it may genuinely hurt BF’s parents’ feelings I have to say, even without the impending latest baby, I think you’ll be astonished how much easier school becomes when you’re having uninterrupted sleep and living in a calm environment
Please get a birth control implant or IUD plus use condoms
That would be a good idea. And no, I'm making sure that would never happen. I hate babies too much, and pregnancy is disgusting.
Before they (your parents) realize what's going on make sure that you have all the documents that you'll need in the future (e.g. birth certificate, driver's license, passport, social security card, etc) and lock your credit too.
This may sound like it's overboard, but it isn't. Your parents will desperately miss what you do for them and may try and get you back by any means. Or, they may seek to financially ruin you.
I assume the burden will then fall on the next oldest sibling, I doubt this will be a wake up call for her parents…
The next youngest is probably not too much younger. Maybe in a couple of years those siblings can get an apartment together.
This is good advice OP. The situation you’ve described is one of severe parentification and *it is abuse*. Not to mention your dad grabbing you which, from the offhand way you mentioned it, doesn’t sound like a one-off. Abusers don’t like to lose their slaves. Your parents will throw all kinds of nonsense at you. Prepare for guilt trips and them trying to leverage the love you have for your family at the least. Don’t put anything past them until you’re well and gone. You sound like a grounded, intelligent person. You’re going to thrive. 💚
👆 I'm the oldest of five siblings, parents divorced, and my dad is a bad person. When I was estranging myself from my dad, he had my little brother write me a letter about how much he (my brother) misses me, about how I had cool video games and he loved watching me play games, wanting to see me, saying he loves me, etc.. I love my little brothers even if they're half siblings. So, yes, guilt trips.
This is one of my biggest fears as a parent. I have two stepkids who are a bit older and two younger kids, and the thought of my step kids EVER feeling obligated to take care of their siblings is terrible to me. I don’t understand parents who do this to their kids nowadays. My MIL suggested once that they can help out with the siblings, and the last thing i ever want is for their memory of their childhood to be chock full of responsibilities like that.
Also if you're on a phone plan with them go to Verizon/att/ wherever and move it over to your name. Figure out how you will make the cost every month. Will you have a part time job or tutor or babysit somewhere that's not your parents for cash? You probably could knock a phone bill out with a couple hours a week doing something, and save up. Also- i see almost everyone mentioning you getting a new place (an apartment) eventually, I wasn't sure if you considered college at all. You can fill out financial aid and apply if you're not going this fall, and spend the next year working and saving money. Good luck!
BE VERY CAREFUL. Especially with this being your first relationship, I am so serious. A LIFESTYLE suggestion from me to you; NEVER compromise your personal need to remain child-free for sexual gratification (yours or theirs). Accidental pregnancy is a risk for anyone who can get pregnant, particularly when regularly sexually active with biological men. Birth control can fail. If you end up in a long-term commitment or marriage, talk to your partner about getting a vasectomy. ALWAYS discuss children early with potential partners, and be clear about your stance. Walk away if they are on the fence. You do NOT want to be tied to someone who is demanding children of you. I also grew up as an oldest sibling in a house full of kids (and emotionally immature parents), and have never wanted children.
you already had your kids to raise :(
I am so sorry you were made to feel like this. But for you to react like this after being parentified for so long is very understandable.
It is not necessarily because of the parentification. Plenty of people dislike babies and pregnancy without similar backgrounds.
Yes but being a victim of parentification makes you more likely to not want children. It’s not 100% because I was parentified and I have 3 children and love children in general, but most of the people who went through the same things as me, that I’ve met in support groups, are childfree.
My grandmother was the oldest of six kids. She always said she raised the others. Not totally but definitely played a large role. (She was born over a hundred years ago and to farm people so definitely the norm back then). Her mother was sickly which made it worse. She had my mother. My mother was an accident. She resented her. She was a lovely maternal figure to me, but my mother struggled all her life with feeling unloved because my grandmother was so resentful of having to raise the siblings.
You're speaking like not wanting children is a bad thing, like it's a tragedy. It's not though.
It’s not a bad thing and nothing I said implied it.
Sure, but it’s more likely when you have been put through what OP has been through.
That's not at all relevant right now.
As long as you’re respectful you should be able to ask any hard questions or explain any worries you have to him and his parents if you all sat down together. It’s an adult situation essentially so you have the best platform to be open honest and transparent with any hardships you’re concerned about coming into you or them.
guilt is how you are manipulated into being another parent. Your emotions are used against you. Blame and shame are powerful weapons of emotional destruction/dysfunction. What I have read from research is that if you move away you may struggle with wanting to be independant, less of a burden that you have experienced as shameful and yet be dependant which you may also struggle with. You may be seen as abandoning your family and some of the children will also be influenced to believe that of you, that can take years of therapy to deal with the guilt. You can struggle with not wanting to be dependant on another and be too independant as you are used to doing everything yourself and it can lead to partners feeling like that are not needed. A balance will be hard to do and you may need help to find what that looks like for you and them. Communication in an honest, trustworty, respectful and open way will be a great benefit but will take time as you have learned a lot of habits about behavour from your family. You may even push people away as the risk of letting people in and care for you can feel too much to handle. Now this is all in the future, but if you are truly leaving one day it will come to pass, the choice is yours if it is now or later and how much you can handle if it is soon. You may feel you are mature and you probably are but some of the cost to your own development of who you are is still to come. Do it now, do it later, you will leave it just depends when and how. Further research into family boundaries, how to enforce them and how to cope with cutting off people is advised. Also parentification.
This is really sage advice, that no matter when she leaves she will feel some form of guilt because there will always be a younger sibling. Might as well leave now when she has the opportunity and do the work to help squash that feeling of guilt and get her life and independence on track.
Thank you so much for typing this out. It made me learn some things about myself. I definitely was parentified as a child (not to OP’s extent, but still was nonetheless), and I have a lot of guilt that was brought on by my parents and sibling without my sibling knowing that it’s what they were doing to me. I have barely any contact with my family now and it feels wrong to me, but also very helpful for my development.
Sounds like the best thing for YOU would be getting away from your Mom and all those kids. They are NOT your responsibility. However, only knowing this boy for a year, I'm hesitant about advising you to move in. BUT, since his parents seem genuinely nice, IIWY, I think I'd go for it at least for your own mental health. Again, they are not your kids and you are not responsible for them. Good luck!
I do love both my mother and my siblings. They're just a lot sometimes, and my mother doesn't think a lot. And I would agree, that is one of my concerns. He is very nice, but we haven't really been together for very long and since I haven't been in a relationship before, it makes it harder to know. In some ways I am, but probably not to this extent.
Maybe say it's for a limited amount of time for now - till the summer holidays, for example, so you can concentrate on school. Then you can reevaluate after that. To not feel too guilty, you could also consider going home on a set day, say Saturday afternoon, to help your mom and see your siblings. That way, you'd have firm boundaries in place but would still be in their lives. And something else: I don't know where you live, but if it's a European country, there's a good chance that your parents can get someone like a family helper for the time around the birth of your new sibling who is paid by health insurance. Maybe look into this for them and offer it as a kind of out for yourself so you don't have to be your mother's primary afterbirth carer once again. As the child will likely be born during your last year of school, this might have a heavy impact on your future. By the way, the very fact that you're doubting whether you can accept your bf's family's offer because you might be too much of a burden shows that the life you've had in your family has taught you to occupy as little space as possible, to make yourself small for the sake of others. And while it's good to be there for others, too, you should never do it to the extent of neglecting yourself. Your bf's parents would not have offered if they couldn't afford it.
That could make it easier, at least I think it would. And yes, I live in Europe. Scandinavia, but I'm not sure if that is a thing.
Have a look into it. I know that it's possible here in Germany in special cases like triplet births, but also for mothers with many children who don't have help otherwise. And Scandinavia usually is even better in social services than us.
I don't know where exactly you're from, men jag tycker synd om dig :( I would move in with the boyfriend, do a trial period and see how it goes. I did that with my ex, and his family was super supportive and caring. And it really was great tbh. After a year or so we moved into our own apartment. But you know, if you're 18 and you move in with your boyfriend. You're entitled to government aid ("försörjningstöd" is what it's called here) and you apply every month. Ask his parents to set up a "rent" and a contract, like.. Let's say 3000kr or whatever and the government will aid you in paying rent, phone bills and food and clothes. As long as you're 18 it's OK. And they also won't deny you help if you state that you had to move out because of your mental health and for your sleep. They'll grant you aid quicker. The only requirement is that afyer you've graduated you need to apply for jobs. Lycka till ❤️ Edit: I just wrote Kr since I don't know which currency you have. But it's still somewhat similar.
if it’s at all reassuring, my husband and i met when we were 18 and moved in together across the country after about 8 months- he was in a similar situation to you now, and due to where he grew up being too expensive to move out, was a bit stuck. i was living by myself, so we just decided to move in together and see how it went. we’ve been together 6 years now :)
Would you be sharing a room and bed with your boyfriend, or do they have a room for just you?
You’re not moving in with him solo, he won’t be in control. Honestly this is one of the more stable, safer options you’re going to have in your situation. If, for some awful reason, his parents try and take advantage likes yours have, you’ll have the option to pick from the lesser of two evils. Make no mistake, though: what’s happened to you in your family will take YEARS for you to recover from, if you ever do. I was parentified and made to take care of a younger sibling until our parents finally split us up and left us to fend for ourselves. The guilt never goes away, though, bc you’ve been conditioned to feel those children WHO ARE NOT YOURS are your responsibility. They are not, and it’s past time for you to find a way to live your own life of your choosing.
Another thing to consider is how do you think your parents would react to you moving in with your boyfriend, even for a little while? Because it would be an easier decision if you could move back home whenever you wanted to. I wouldn't suggest it if that isn't going to be an option, as I’m sure you wouldn't want to feel like you are stuck there, either. If you can move back home whenever you like, then I don't see a problem with staying there, at least for a trial period at first.
What a mess. I'm so sorry your parents are abusing you in this way. Staying with your boyfriend for even a short time to get a break, hopefully get therapy, and make a plan for your *independent* life (could still involve the boyfriend if that's what you want) sounds like something you need right now.
Hi OP, I’m the oldest of 7 (luckily my mum is done having kids as I’m now 25 with two of my own). It’s hard to peel yourself away from the situation when you’ve been in it for so long. It never got to the level of dependence as your situation has, but having to help my mum look after all the kids really took a toll on my mental health and I didn’t realise how much until I left. My parents would happily leave me overnight with them at 18, even with an epileptic sibling and a toddler, but my dad would refuse to look after them all at the same time because he couldn’t handle it. I left at 18 to go to uni and only went back home for holidays and my goodness it was the best decision I could have made. Would it be possible to try and get a weekend job? That way if you do move in with your boyfriend, you can offer a bit of cash to his parents to help offset any additional costs you living with them might accrue. It is not selfish to think of yourself in this situation. It’s probably the same with your mum but mine was almost addicted to being pregnant. As soon as her 18 month- 2 year wait between c-sections was up she was pregnant again. I think even having that bit of freedom by staying with your boyfriend might help you massively. You can still visit your family, but they won’t be dependent on you.
I wouldn't be surprised if my mother is as well. Sometimes she doesn't even wait the recommended time based on when she gets pregnant, I think she annoys the doctors. And that's a good idea, thank you.
It honestly sounds like this is a fetish.
If you have anything important & meaningful to you it might be worth taking over to your boyfriend's parents before you announce moving to your family - that way your parents & siblings won't worry about you moving because it will be so easy to do
My mom was addicted to being pregnant too. I have never seen someone else verbalize this!
Honestly it’s so foreign to me! I hated being pregnant both times, yet she was all “oh you’ll miss the baby kicks when he’s born” while I was pregnant with my second. Erm no, I miss my body being mine. I love my boys to pieces but 2 is enough for me.
Hard SAME! I was not at all prepared for pregnancy because my mom acted like it was the greatest thing in the world!
I don’t get it either!! I see lots of people rave about their pregnancies but didn’t really feel that way myself. I love my kids but stopping at 2 was a hard line for me. Luckily my partner is terrified of having anymore too 😂
I moved out at 18 to live with my now fiancé and his family. It honestly saved my life. I got my education done and now I have a nice job and enough savings so I'm independent. Keep your line of communication open with friends and anyone who could help you out if things with your bf goes sideways, but I can recommend taking the opportunity.
I think you should do it, but you also need to talk to your boyfriend and his family about logistics before moving in. Would you have your own room, or be expected to share his? What about bathrooms? Do you need to work and contribute financially for food or anything? What happens if you guys break up? How will transportation be handled? Do you or your boyfriend have a car? Will his parents have to drive you places? What will your chore responsibilities be? How will it be handled if someone from your family shows up and tries to drag you back? I know at 18 you legally don’t have to but guilt can be a hell of a thing.
This is one of the best comments here so far. 18-year-olds generally have no business moving in together, but in your situation, it sounds like your best option. I strongly disagree with everyone here saying that you _must_ contribute financially if you move into your bf's mom's place. Of course it's correct to offer to help or chip in. But if his mom says "I don't want your money" then the only correct response to that is a gracious "thank you." It sounds like she's doing this to help you gain sound footing as you start off in life. You don't gain sound footing by having to pay rent or go into debt before you've even finished high school. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.
If they say no to money, maybe just do something nice for them on occasion. Like cook dinner or something.
Defiantly own room. If they are not sexually active yet, the last thing she wants is to be in a situation where the power structures in the relationship have changed, and they are sharing a room. Could lead to pressure to do thing she may not be ready for.
Agreed!
People do not make these offers if they do not mean them
I'm also from a Nordic country (Finland), and I know how much family and sticking to them no matter what is emphasised in probably all of our cultures. But as seen in cases like yours (and mine, too) it just creates maladaptation where individual harm get ignored or hidden away because they're not "good for the family" as a whole. Any kind of fracturing is BAD no matter how deserved it is, blah blah blah. Fuck that. You are their *child*. They are supposed to look after YOU, not treat you like a nanny. It doesn't matter if they don't do it deliberately, they're still doing it. *THEY* are the grown-ass adults, and *THEY* should behave like it. It is not up to you to pick up the pieces because all they're good for is breeding. I'm 38. My situation was different, but it took me a long time to be able to admit that despite how much I love my parents, they fucked up. Although I may have felt like a failure, *they* set *me* up to fail. I understand that you're concerned for your siblings, but you can't set yourself in fire to keep them warm. You have a lot people giving you good advice here, and best of all, you have people in real life who are offering to help you. Please, take the opportunity and look after yourself.
As someone has already mentioned.. They took time to offer which means it's a well thought out offer especially when his mother is involved. She must have thought through. When you accept their offer. Promise them you will get out and start paying them back as soon as you start working and become financially independent. Be grateful for their offer and try to be Minimalistic as possible so you don't feel like you are burdening them. Help out bf mother in her chores. Since you are already used to so much house work.. Helping bf mother would be very less as compared to your current situation. And study hard and try to get financially independent soon as possible.
Honey, you've been so conditioned - brainwashed - into a life of sacrifice and self-abnegation that you feel guilty about taking a right and appropriate step that will be good for you on every level, is developmentally and age-appropriate, and will help you build the foundation for your future success and happiness. It feels like a leap of faith, because it is. This is probably the first time you put yourself first, but, saying this as a mom.... you need to. Look, the living with the boyfriend's parents is a temporary stepping stone. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year... It will let you clear your head and have some time and space to decide your next step and get a job and figure out adulting. The biggest reason to do this is because your selfish parents are 100% invested in holding you back. Right now they are getting a full-time trained Nanny for free... if they were paying you, for that many kids and the 24/7 shifts? you'd be getting $600-$1200 per week. Those are not your children. Parentification is abuse. You were 100% right in your outburst that your family has no business popping out kids they can't take care of... that wasn't disrespectful, it was fact. So yes, pack your things, get your important documents like your birth certificate and any personal items... and expect your mother and father to be completely toxic, enraged, and emotionally and verbally abusive about your decision. Have your boyfriend with you as a witness. Call the police for a safe escort to take your stuff and leave, given your father already got physically violent with you. Get your own phone because your parents will cut yours off... transfer all your numbers in advance. Beforehand, give your older siblings contact information so they can reach you privately. Your parents will try to turn your siblings against you. Expect this. It's what toxic abusers do. But later on you'll be able to reconnect, possibly even help them get out in turn. Good luck, OP... you're not being selfish. It just *feels* selfish because you've been brainwashed in a toxic family.
Hey honey, You need to set boundaries that are fair for you, your mental health and what you need. That being said, this may cause a huge rift with your parents and also with your siblings who may feel you've abandoned them. This may be misplaced, as they should be getting their needs met by your parents rather than you, but it is something to consider in part of your decision. What I'd consider is phrasing the change based upon your needs to focus on your studies and final year of education. This will hopefully help you soften the blow and cause less friction with your parents and siblings. If you can wrangle it, a trial period would be helpful so you can see if you're mental health, studies, and happiness improves living with your boyfriend and his family. You could phrase this reason being about a big assessment coming up and how you want to concentrate are struggling with the busy household. I'd also recommend reading Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It might really help you understand the difficulties you face with your home dynamic. I'd also recommend seeing a school counsellor as it seems like you may have been parentified by your parents to fulfill a parenting role for your siblings. And finally, this is totally my own opinion, but I hope you are using protection with your partner. It sounds like you really need time to be your own person separate yourself from the responsibilities of being an older sibling in a very chaotic home. Accidentally falling pregnant would completely not be what you need at this point in your life. Wishing you all the best!
I know. Especially a couple of my little sisters, they would be really upset and I don't want them to be upset because I'm not there for them. That could work, but I'm not sure if it would. I've never had issues with my results before because of it, and they'd probably just say I have a lock on my door and to use it. I don't think so, I think they just didn't think how many children they have and how that would mean they can't look after all of them. And definitely, I absolutely hate babies and pregnancy seems disgusting, that would be my worst nightmare.
Hun, they don’t “just not think”. They are full grown adults who know exactly what children are and how much they cost. They’re just depending on your free labor.
Even if your grades are going well (well done you by the way!) phrasing it like this can be a huge help in softening the blow. Yes, at first they will dismiss it but be polite and firm. This is your last year of school that's going to set you up for the rest of your life. They don't need to understand the *why* but making the why not a judgement of their way of life and their family choices, which are very personal things, will make it easier for them to swallow. Huge hugs to you and I hope you feel you have options.
Do it. They invited you knowing the cost. I'm sure you'll pick up after yourself. Take the opportunity, have a tiny bit of time for yourself to live an easier life.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
This is the best thing I ever ever heard.
Leave this was my childhood from age 5 I was never allowed to play out and have fun it was all baby sitting and nappy changes run as soon as you can
So sorry you have to deal with this. Have a chat with his parents. “Hi, BF said I can live here. That’s such a generous offer. I just want to make sure you’re really ok with this?” If they say they are, ask about: - their expectations on how you should conduct your self in the house and contribute (chores? Board?) - How long the offer is for, e.g until the end of school? - Will you be in boyfriends room or you own? If all goes well and you move in, make sure your planning/saving for your own place once school finishes. Your boyfriend sounds lovely but it’s a big power imbalance to be completely dependent on him for a home long term.
OP if you were my kids partner my home would be open to you. You're being, whether deliberate or not, and independent of malice on your parents part, psrentified, which to me is a form of abuse. You may be 18 but you're still very young and in education. You may not chose tomlive full time with your BF but if it's a serious relationship and you love him and don't see you guys breaking up soon, then I'd consider, at least temporarily staying there for a break. You could tell your parents its tomrocus on education and studies and to give them space for the new arrival.
I think you should go stay with them, even if it’s for a break
as someone who left my home to move in with my fiancé for similar and not reasons (parentification and many other abuses), i also had these fears. whatever money they spend on you to house you is completely worth it in their eyes if they offered it — families who say yes have thought about it, and any money spent is worth it for your health and safety, because they care about you. i’m at the point now where my in-laws see me as a kid of their own now, and i’ve lived rent free so far, and because if it i know now what familial love should be like. as long as you have other supports like friends and even a simple part-time job to help out a little, it will be so unbelievably worth it — you’ll at least even *have* the chance to find your footing and who you really are, where with your family you will be second mom for a very long time and your dreams might be forced to the side. find your individuality, grow, heal, this is a much safer next step than staying if his entire family agrees to it
If you move in with your boyfriend, get on birth control and stay on birth control.
I have almost raised my little brother. I know your in too deep right now, but it is abusé, you have been robbed of many years of what should be carefree childhood. You are 18, you should not have those kind of responsibilities. You should feel free to go live with your boyfriend for a time, you should not feel guilty to leave, you did not make those kids. I know they are your family, and you love them and you feel like you owe them everything. But you are young, you did not decide to come to this world, and you are not supposed to raise children when you ate yourself a child. Matter of fact you can't, so you stopped being a child and became an adult. Please go to your boyfriend. Experiment freedom, be young, don't have responsibilities, sleep ad much as you want, play games all day, have fun with this guy you like. Try it, see if taking care of 9 children is really what you want. Also, I think you should do this to save your mother. She doesn't realise what she's getting into, you are going to leave, and then what ? Is one of your younger siblings supposed to take your place ? Are they capable of doing this ? Do they want to ? What us going to happen when you leave ? You also need to know how your parents react when you try to leave. Because if they react badly today, its going to be worse and more coercive with time, and you are going to get stuck. Leaving for a few weeks is the best solution by far.
You may think you would be a burden because the nonstop flow of babies ARE a burden. You are not. You require no maintenance, clean up after yourself, and you will probably *gasp* contribute to their household if you choose. You will cost a bit more in food, but it sounds like that is okay. Do it, but always work toward total independence. Get a job and save your money. From girl-to-girl, my best advise is to ALWAYS have an emergency stash of money. Always. You got this! Edit: You may feel selfish for making the correct decision. Another word for this is "manipulation." Your parents are not acting in your best interest, and it's your responsibility to make sure your needs are being met. Thats not selfish. Having too many kids and putting their responsibilities on you IS selfish. Sorry, you can still love them while stopping their exploitation.
You are a victim of parentification, your parents will likely flip their lid when they lose the main caretaker of most of your siblings. PLEASE take your boyfriend up on his offer. You need to get out of your home ASAP for the sake of your future.
UpdateMe!
make sure you are protected emotionally from this situation and don't become dependant on your boyfriend. doesn't sound like your parents can provide emotional support, so I hope you know what a good relationship looks like. move out asap either way, as your parents are useless, but make sure you use more protection than you think is needed so you don't get trapped in the same cycle your mom is in. are they in a cult btw? because most normal people stop at like... max 5 kids.
You're in a situation where your mother and father has parentified you. Your next move is to cut down on parenting your siblings. If they wake you up then tell them to go wake up your mom. If they need help with anything tell them to ask your mom. You need to step out of the role of a parent. Whether you move out, go live with your BF, or go an get an education is completely up to you. They're not your children, you're also 18 so you're free to make your own arrangements.
Hey, I’m 26 now, but when I was 18 I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and his family because my parents were toxic while I was dealing with undiagnosed bipolar. I didn’t have 8 siblings, but I have a brother a lot younger than me and I was the childcare for him and all of their friends kids while they partied every weekend or worked late. Being parentified really sucks but it was extra weird to be every kids older sister, too. My parents have a decent age gap and my mom had me (planned) at 19, so they were young. My husband’s parents are a similar age to my mom. I had some issues living with my husbands parents, don’t get me wrong, but his mom was able to show me how to exist as a human who wasn’t just around for kids. I expected it to be a temporary arrangement, but she became more of a parent to me than my mom was in those early adult years. My MIL is still one of my best friends, we talk every day, I love her like she raised me. I think you should talk to everyone involved and see how they feel, if you think your romantic relationship is strong enough. I ran from home without telling my parents but I also was finished high school. I was not with my husband long when we did this arrangement. I did get an IUD so I wouldn’t get pregnant before I wanted to. (His mom actually held my hand as they put it in because he couldn’t be there, lol) We celebrate 9 years together in a couple of weeks and have good relationships with both sides of the family, after a lot of therapy. I don’t think any of this would have worked if I stayed home at 18. No kids to take care of either, a choice I eventually realized I could make. Good luck OP, from the older sibling I wish you could have had.
Well, you are 18 so you can make your own decisions; yet I don't think it's an easy decision to make. You mentioned that your dad works all day and your mum cannot deal with 9-10 children which then makes sense your other siblings look up to you for attention. I understand how exhausting it is. And you didn't sign up for this kind of life. Your parents are very immature and irreponsible and don't care about the consequences. Still, I think the guilt will definitely eat away at you. Man, what a dillemma. I mean, you are just 18 too. You're not fit to be taking care of so many children yourself either. You can't mentally deal with that. I would probably go to your boyfriend for the time being to think things over there. You might want to consider reaching out to child protection services. I don't really think your parents understand the kind of unhealthy environment they've put these children in. And they can't expect all the weight to fall on you either. They still are your siblings of course, but you can only help them as much as you can help yourself first. There's no point in continueing as it is if it is you who winds up broken. And then how will you look after them at all anymore?
I am, but I still have a year of school to go, and although I do have work, I can't work very often so I don't have much money. So although I can make my own decisions, I'm not really much of an adult. He does, because so many children is quite expensive so working more makes it easier. And I don't mind my siblings, but they can be so annoying sometimes and won't leave me alone for once, it's like I'm their extra mother. I think I might consider it. And no, there's no point in that. There's nothing wrong as such, my parents didn't mean for this to happen, it just sort of did. And there isn't much to do about that.
Well, they could have used a condom, your dad could have put a knot in it, dont know, like... be responsible?
I guess, I do think that sometimes. They always preached to us at school about how important it is, but clearly not to them. I think they just like having children, I can't imagine why.
Bet they would feel differently if they had to look after all their own kids Its a lot easier when you have a free live in nanny
it's because they drop looking after them on their servant, which is YOU.
Look up breeding fetish and think about if that's a good reason to force a *child* to look after all their other children. It's also possible your parents are getting money from the government for each child. Not sure how it works in your country. There's no good reason to have as many children as they do and not handle their children themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if you're all being exploited for your parents' gain. You should look into it. If you found something nefarious, you could use it in your favor. Righteously, preferably. Like if they want to withhold identity documents, guilt you, use your siblings to guilt you, the whole shebang. I'm calling it ethical blackmail, but I'm sure others would disagree with that. If you want to report this to someone, you need to gather a lot of info. So I'd blackmail for your own survival until you have enough info to alert authorities. Threats wouldn't work long-term in this situation anyway.
If you didn't have to look after 5-9 children, you'd have the energy and time to work more. I understand your conflict, but ultimately, you didn't choose this life for yourself - unlike your parents. What happens when you go to college or get a full time job? Will the next siblings just replace you? Or are you forever the chosen live in nanny? My grandmother didn't have as many siblings, but she was the oldest and therefore was always an afterthought. She didn't get further education like her sisters or even much of an inheritance SHE worked to maintain which was basically gambled away by her lazy brother. She got away in her late 20s and started to build a farm with her husband and basically nothing while her siblings lived comfortable lives with office jobs and annual vacations. Think long and hard about what your future will look like and when you need to break away to not end up providing a good life for your siblings and later on a care giver for your parents, because all your siblings "have good jobs/families/lifes they can't neglect" to take care of your parents. They won't feel the same obligation you do, because they grew up with you as a second mom who doesn't have her own life, wants or goals...or even worthwhile job because you didn't have the chance to build a career. The same obligation you feel, because you were parentified and struggle to distance yourself from responsibilities that were never yours to begin with. An 18 year old should be responsible for their laundry, some chores (which may include SOME kind of babysitting, 5 hours/week max., more should be paid) outside of school and maybe shitty a part time job. The reason why some recommended therapy referencing parentification is to find a healthier balance of what is an appropriate amount of responsibility parents can put on their child. I wasn't parentified, but I am the oldest daughter and I was also the default when mom didn't have time. It took me til my late 20s to realize my siblings are now older than I was when I started taking over for mom and really struggled to let go of the obligation. "No, I am not responsible for every gift or trip or meal we plan together. I can't organize/buy/drive, don't have an idea/plan this time, figure it out, I'll send you the money." It's still hard. But if you don't learn, you open yourself up to be exploited not only by your family, but also friends, boyfriends, employers.
I just read your other comments: You keep talking about how your parents "don't think" a lot about having this many children. They are adults. They can count and calculate and have eyes. They see it, they just don't care. Also, you are afraid of being a burden to your boyfriends parents. Nobody is afraid to burden you. Why are you so afraid? That's also part of the parentification. You got told many times how you are the big kid and deal with it. It is not a bad thing to ask for and receive help.
Your parents are old enough to know how **not** to make children. It doesn't "just happen". They are making the choice to do it. You need to make your own choices. You might even be able to work a little more when you don't have all those children to take care of. And you deserve to study and sleep in peace. I am a mom, and if my son asked me about bringing his GF in because of circumstances like yours, you would absolutely *not* be a burden. Follow house rules, clean up after yourself, and you are more than welcome to stay!
I read through quite a few comments and it seems no one has asked you what your options would be if you and he broke up and it wasn’t on good terms? I would think your parents would be happy to have you back home unless they decided to punish you for leaving but it’s something you should think about. It certainly sounds like you could use a break though. I feel sorry for both you and all your siblings.
Does CPS investigate and intervene without separating families? We’ve only ever heard of horror stories about CPS on TV in my country. If it’s like our system, I’m for it. Intervention without splitting families.
THIS IS ABUSE. Get out. Babysitting when they go on a date is normal. Teaching your sister how to use her tampons is not. It is not normal for you to get half a dozen kids ready for school. It's not normal. It's not normal for you to be the one your siblings go to in the night. This. Is. Abuse. Your mother is not old. I'm one year older than your mother, and I'm still fertile. My husband had a vasectomy back in 2011. He's my age, and many of our friends are having their first and second children. They waited. It doesn't matter if they feed you and clothe you. That is their job. You shouldn't be raising kids. It's so bad they made you think pregnancy is gross and you hate babies. Why? Pregnancy and babies are usually a beautiful experience, but not back to back to back to back. You may not have decided to be a child free woman had your parents chosen a different path. They made you hate it... another symptom of the abuse. If you don't go with your boyfriend and his family, reach out to your school and ask if they have resources because you don't want to live at home. You have been completely parentified. Lastly, get on birth control. If you decide to move in, things may happen. The smartest people in the world still make bad decisions because sexual desire is intense. Get bc and have your boyfriend ALWAYS use protection.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry, but this is parentification, and as someone who has been through this, it absolutely is abuse. It's hard, I know, because people hear abuse and think physical However, reading how stressed you are over having to deal with more siblings that you have to look after shows how mentally taxing the parentifiying abuse can be. my advice is to take some time away to your boyfriend's and have a conversation with his parents and any other relatives and see if they can help you budget for a place of your own and help you get a job on the side and to teach you how to pay for bills if you haven't had to do that already Do not inform your parents about any of this because the liklihood of them telling you that money could be used on the newborn is high trust me but find an adult you can trust and talk to them I wish you luck op 🙏🏻 ❤️
Have an honest talk with your bf and his parents. About your fears of being a burden. Time away in what is hopefully a normal family will show you what a family is supposed to be. You're another parent not a sister. It's not your responsibility, morally or legally. I'm the youngest of six and I wondered for decades why my brothers were LC with me. I hadn't said or done anything that I was aware of. After our mum died my brothers started to let slip that them looking after me and teaching me was not their idea. If they didn't do it who would. Sound familiar? They grew up silently resenting me and as soon as they left home I hardly ever saw them again. Your mum is irresponsible and your dad you clearly dislike as you never say how nice he is. When you leave, make a plan, start getting your essentials out before hand including documentation. Cause when you announce you're leaving it will hit the fan and the guilt tripping will begin and you'll see how much they expect you to do this. You think you choose to help... think again.
You have got some good advice already. My suggestion would be this: move in with them on a trial basis over the summer, set ground rules early (your contributions, chores, etc). Try to work some extra over the summer and save up. When fall comes, re-assess. If it works out fine with your bf and his family, stay. Perhaps with the extra energy from not being a nanny, you will have more energy for school and work. If it doesnt work out, start look into student accomodation for 24/25 or move back home. Use this summer to plan for the next steps after graduation. I also recommend to live separately from your bf for a year or so then to become more independent. Mention this early to him to set expectations. If you know what you wanna study after HS, start planning for accomodation: for example rent a room until you qualify for student housing. If you dont know, consider swedish Folkhögskola for a year to help figure it out, it should be free for the rest of scandinavians. If you’re from DK or NO, you’ll figure out the language eventually, a few episodes of Broen a week can help until then :D. Also, never feel guilty for ”leaving your family behind”, let the teenagers figure it out. And if you havent already, book a visit to the doctor for a copper-thingy-installation or something like that. Or condoms. Or both. You know why. That’s the end of my novel. Jag tror på dig, det här kommer bli bra!
I think regardless of what you do, the fact that you think so deeply about consequences is to your favor. Many kids your age would jump blindly to their boyfriends house to escape their home life , but you seem to be going into it with open eyes. Unfortunately, it seems as if your choices are limited. Stay, and have to continue to take on a parental role to your other siblings or leave and live with your boyfriend in a situation that may or may not be right for you and your relationship. I think as long as you are clear eyed about your boyfriend and that living situation - and you use a condom yourself! - it might be a better option and a step toward independence. It doesnt sound like your home situation would provide you with resources (money/support) as you bridge your way to adulthood. In fact, it will drain you of time/energy/money. Its also not to say if you move out you cant help your siblings when you have time - but you'll better be able to say no if you dont have to live there. The one thing you might do is have a frank conversation with your boyfriend about expectations. You're young - way too young to get married and start a family. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your own future, whatever that might be.
Ask if there’s a spare room for you in their house. Not your bf’s room, but your room of your very own. If not I wonder if there’s a dormitory you can move into just to let you study and concentrate on your own life. Babies and pregnancy are not disgusting, but I completely get your need for space and no you don’t own your mother free childcare services. It’s so weird how some women can have gazzilions of babies and others can’t have a single one. Just thinking of an article I read where woman spent 300k on IVF, she could have just asked a mum like yours to be a surrogate. You might have the same blessed genetics so be very careful around birth control. Don’t move into the same room as your bf, you are too young to live together and really just need your own space.
You should go to your boyfriend's for a couple of weeks to see how it goes. It will be good for your parents to see how much work having all these children is when they actually have to parent them. It isn't your fault, but you have been put in a position to almost enable their behaviour. You are always there to fill in the parenting gaps. That is their job. Show them them what it means to be the parents of 9 kids by stepping away. They should know.
I think under different circumstance I’d be telling you you were crazy. You’re only 18. But given all of the circumstances… And the fact that you wouldn’t just be moving in with him, it would actually be with his family. I think you should take it. If you don’t want to be a bother to his family then don’t be a bother. All you have to do is be a considerate guest. Pick up after yourself. Don’t add to their chore list. Once you get in the groove of how they live their lives, merge into that groove as much as possible. Offer to help with whatever you are comfortable with, whether that’s making dinner or doing up the dishes after dinner or running the vacuum or anything you’re OK with doing. Don’t leave your hair in the shower drain, and if you’re on your period wrap up your pads or tampons before putting them in the garbage. If you use a dish, rinse it out and put it in the dishwasher. If you want to take a shower, check with everyone else and make sure no one else wants to use the bathroom first or go in the shower first. I have let so many people stay with me over the years and the ones that got on my nerves were the ones that took advantage of my hospitality. Even when I visit someone’s house for the weekend, I make sure that I can lighten their load instead of adding to it. I’m actually excited for you. You actually just get to be an 18-year-old for a change. I hope this works out for you.
I bet if OP moves out, mom will stop having kids
Birth control, atleast 2 forms!!
Oh gosh,I am so sorry. This is a mess. I’m a middle born of such a situation & you know how my older siblings were able to help? By helping themselves first. And you know what, my mom indirectly made it up by taking responsibility & creating space for them to do so and encouraging them to go. But still… Your parents acting like this is a situation beyond their control & you aren’t entitled to your frustration is a huge red flag. It has done a number on me… So this is def abuse! Would you feel at ease staying at your bf? If we’re talking about a mentally healthy environment? Do you have family you feel could help, anyhow? Even telling your parents to take start acting like parents to ALL their kids and give you your space. You need to concentrate on school! Whatever you do, please make whatever decision that will see you thrive. You can tackle the rest as you go.
You need to put yourself first. Do what is best for you, because your family is not considering that. Leaving is the right decision. Your parents will make it hard for you. Just tell them if it isn't so hard, then they won't miss your help. Also, get a therapist if you can. You have a lot to work through, stuff you don't even know. They can help you learn to navigate the world as an adult & without the lens of your family
I had a pretty damn similar issue when I was 18 because my parents were divorcing and shit was crazy at home. My girlfriends parents took me in and up until we broke up a few years later I had two homes as her parents were divorced but amicable :) Because of that I went to school to be an auto mechanic and began my real becoming a man. Or at least the man who took care of himself. I would say I became a man after I had my kids at 36 lol.
Based on just the title, move out, you are 18. Go have life.
Your parents will keep having kids because you are their to pick up the slack. Make a plan and get out
It is not your responsibility, your mom and dad are a major ah, they keep making kids because they know that you are staying Move in with your bf and start your life
Honestly, being selfish is not a bad thing. It's just a thing. Too much of anything isn't good. It seems like you've had to be selfless for so long that being selfish feels like a lot and that is ok. What you want and need are just as important as anybody else's wants or needs. If this were a sibling or friend of yours that had this opportunity, what would you tell them to do?
MOVE.
Tell you mom, that it's a uterus, not a clown car... for fucks sake.
It's good to be concerned, and to have a "kitchen table discussion" with his parents before making a decision. Make certain you understand their expectations, and what their limitations are - when would they expect you to move out being an important one. You will need a plan and a timeline for becoming independent both with and without your boyfriend. Without having to look after your younger siblings, could you work more hours? That might allow you to pay for the food that you eat at your boyfriends' home. You could also offer to pay for your "keep" by helping with chores. Don't talk to your parents about it. In fact, as long as you can legally move out, don't tell them until you have everything you want to take with you out of the house - especially your birth certificate and other documents. Don't feel guilty about leaving your little siblings behind. It will be difficult, and it will be sad..... but your parents need to BE the parents. They are the ones that have chosen to have so many children.
Do it, leave your mother and father to parent their own children, it’s not your job. You deserve a break and this is your chance!
It sounds like they really thought about it. And it sounds like you’re thinking about it too. You can contribute to the household. Be respectful of their rules, help clean and cook when you can. Honestly you being parentified by your parents isn’t ok. A lot of people go through having to raise their siblings and it’s not ok and not your job. If it feels comfortable to you, try it. Perhaps you could tell your family you have an important exam coming up or something and you need to stay for two weeks to study in peace as a trial run? Then if it doesn’t work and you need to go home you haven’t burnt any bridges?
Move in with them. Go NC with your parents. Let them deal with their kids. You deserve a year of freedom to be a kid. He wouldn’t have offered if they hadn’t said it was ok.
If you don't feel comfortable moving in full time, but want to get out of your parents home, you could consider renting a room nearby his parents so that you also have your own space and independence, but can split time between the two.
Your parents robbed you of having a childhood. Move out and be free to live your life.
Accept his offer. This way you will gain some more of independence. You were treated like an adult not like a child since the beginning of your life - which is irresponsible and which is manipulative. It is your time for yourself, so move out, try to live with your boyfriend. Focus on your education and some part-time job, preferably weekend type. Keep attending school as normal and limit any contacts with your family to bare minimum or even zero. If they will try to dump kids on you - simply call the police, and report it. Do not let such a thing happen where they will drop the kids on you - while it is their responsibility to sort them out. Good luck.
I would say go for it but don't burn any bridges when you leave your parent's house. If things don't work out with you boyfriend you'll always want to be able to go back home. As others have said be mindful of the messes you make, clean up after yourself, help with chores without being asked, and don't take super long showers or leave lights on when you leave a room. I was a little shit head teenager and I regret it. Now as an adult I understand why my mom complained about all of these things. You deserve a safe space and if your boyfriend and his parents are offering you that you owe it to yourself to give it a shot.
Can you move in with a relative like an aunt instead?
I say go for it. But ensure you have plans in place to become independent ( schooling or work plans) I think this is a great opportunity for you put yourself first and take the next steps in your life. And your parents to step up. I think the only issue might be you siblings closer in age to you, it would mean they will be taxed with more. But that’s not in your control
I wouldn't usually recommend for an 18 year old to move in with their boyfriend, especially after one year, but in your case, I'd do it. You shouldn't have to be a parent to your siblings. You should be a sibling, and it's time that you became their sibling again. Your boyfriend gave it some thought. His parents gave it some thought. It's all thought out. Go live with them, help them with cleaning and house chores. If you can, pay them for groceries. If you can't, just show your gratitude. I'm sure they love you and care about you and already see you as a daughter.
I like that your bf didn't just make a spontaneous offer, he actually spoke to his parents and they will welcomed you. You can go if you think you can't handle the chaos that is your parents' responsibility. Maybe stay there a few days a week so your younger ones don't miss you too much. Please tell me your parents are atleast rich enough to take care of 10 kids without struggling
Do it sister!
Hmm fake post bad writer
Speak to your bfs mother directly, re-explain the situation and ask what you’d be expected to do. Check finances and if you’d need to contribute/ how much and if everything lines up, do it.
This isn’t a good idea. Just move out and into a college dorm after you finish high school.
It's not selfish of you to go live your own life, stop enabling and bearing the brunt of your parents' poor choices! In most cases, I'd say a young lady moving out at 18 to go live with a boyfriend is making a dumb decision--but not in your case. My vote is to NOT TELL your parents your plans--because they'll do all they can to prevent your leaving!--secure your valuables/irreplaceables, move a few items to his place gradually, grab your documents if you can, then one day leave for school with a very full backpack and just never come back home. Be prepared for them to *order* you to come home, scream, rage, cry, guilt-trip you, and generally pull every possible manipulative trick in the book to get you to come home. Stand firm. THEY and they alone made all these kids and are fully responsible for them. They don't care about you per se; they just don't want to lose their free child care. NOT YOUR JOB. Get an actual job ASAP. Lock down your birth control if you're sexually active (no early babies for you--you've got GOALS!). Look into post-secondary education or skills training. Contribute as you're able to your BF's parents expenses for your food/utilities, and start stashing money safely away where *no one else has access*! I hope you and your BF have a long and happy relationship and that all goes well living with his parents, but plan as though it could all go sideways at any time. Wishing you freedom and unhindered growth, OP!
I left home at 17 years old. My boyfriends mother invited me to come and live with them. My own mother was impossible, violent and abusive. I wanted more than anything to change the trajectory of my life, and moving in with rational, calm, kind people was my first step in doing so. I could concentrate on my studies and focus. I did SO much better than I ever expected. I was happy and I could soar. You are a mothers helper in a massively overpopulated home, no wonder you have no time for yourself, it just isn't fair. Please accept this offer. I am so grateful that I was helped in this way. My life might have turned out very differently. Thank you Pat Sheldrick. You changed my life.
It’s easy for your mother to keep popping out these kids because she isn’t the one raising them. You are! You have been parent horribly and don’t have time to be a normal teenager. I understand your reticence to moving in with them, but if I were you, I would give it a try. Your life will change so dramatically! And, it’s time for your mom and dad to realize that these are THEIR children. Not yours. Why would you be overjoyed at them dumping even more responsibility on you?
A lot of comments already, so this will be lost, but I haven't seen anyone say this: Your parents are pouring out children they can't care for themselves because they are specifically calculating on decades of your free labor. The pressure to get you to turn your back on your life and stay will be immeasurable. >When my dad got home, he got mad at me, grabbed me, yelled at me Yes. He sees you as his property, and you were daring to express autonomous opinions. He may view women as breeders and childcare. He needs you under his thumb or he will need to figure things out. They will use the children to call you and cry to guilt you back into compliance. You may know that will turn younger female siblings into their next sistermoms. Save yourself. Be safe, plan your escape from this madness accordingly.
Take this opportunity escape. You’re an adult and this gives you an opportunity to live your life for yourself while you still can. My only advice is that you work hard to make sure you get to know yourself even though you live with your boyfriend. Work to amass a sizeable next egg so that you’re not stuck if being with him is no longer something you want. And please use this time to have fun and be a kid! Plenty of time later to be a parent (if you should so choose).
Is it at all possible for you to move put on your own? Sounds like what you could really use is some time by yourself.
Every parent that chooses to have 5+ children should read this.
Hmmm… I do believe that you could move out, so that your parents would have to live with the consequences of having so many children. Realistically, however, your responsibility will just shift to the next oldest child. What gives me pause about you moving out, is the thought that you would be making yourself vulnerable and dependent to this new relationship and his parents, and then if so, what if that relationship fails? Even though undesirable , in your present situation, you do have relative stability. Instead of moving out with your boyfriend, what I think you should do is find a way to gain some independence, and move on your own, or if you do move in with your boyfriend, quickly find a way to make yourself independent so that you can live on your own, or at least on your own terms.
You are 18, legally an adult in my country, but that doesn't mean you are ready to make all the decisions an adult makes. The best thing to do is talk to your boyfriends parents. They know you are being abused by your own parents and are trying to help you. Sitting down and having a calm discussion with them is the first step towards independence and having control over your own life. Make notes about questions you have, ask how you can contribute and not be a burden in exchange for the added expense this will cost them. This is an opportunity to change your life for the better, you need to deeply consider it.