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It’s a great mercy to end things cleanly and respectfully. If you’re having this kind of trouble before you’re even married, it won’t get better after the wedding.
I'd agree with you if only I haven't read OP's comments. He's deleted a post about "losing F(37)" who sounds like an old friend/ex/crush. Sounds like the boat of ending things respectfully with his fiance has sailed off and sank.
Totally agree that he should let this poor woman go.
It sounds like he wanted more than just friendship with the woman. Having an emotional affair while he was with his fiance? He needs to say goodbye to her and both move on
It seems to be. Went through a similar experience in the past, but surprisingly, it passes if you work hard on communication through the period of time it takes to get through it. The only thing I can explain it as, is getting to the point in life where you want to develop your own self, and need to communicate that very clearly, especially since one side may need it more than the other in the relationship.
It certainly was a thing for me but I didn't act on it. I enjoyed the attention and thought about it but didn't want to hurt my ex or my kid.
My ex, on the other hand, had the 7, 9, 10, 12 and 14 year itch.
This is exactly what I came here to say. Ending it now is so much kinder than moving forward masquerading happiness and contentment. Give her the chance to move on with someone who’s happy to be making these moves with her.
You are torn because change is uncomfortable, especially when you know a bunch of other people are going to be upset at you for it.
But you need to do what is best for you BOTH, and that means ending this so BOTH of you can be with partners that are better suited to you.
You tried your best and you are still miserable. That's how you know that you have kept this relationship going way beyond it's expiration date.
Try to end it as respectfully as you can and focus on severing all ties with her. Get a lawyer to deal with the house and the dog. As soon as you break up, start calling on the wedding and see if you can get any money back.
I know way too many people who went through with a wedding because if they called it off they’d lose money. You know what’s really expensive? Divorce attorneys.
This.
Many people fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Instead of ending a relationship when it reaches a natural ending point, they keep at it - either out of misguided hope or fear of being alone.
In the end, the amount for a divorce, emotional toll, etc. ends up costing these people a lot more.
Not just the attorneys, the longer you stay together the more of your money they’re entitled to. I mean you’re entitled to theirs too but if what you fight over is their spending it’s a double whammy.
What’s the average cost for a divorce I wonder? Mine was $30k just on my side. Hers was about the same. And I think we were on the low end. A friend of mine spent over $100K for his side alone (they had a ton of shared assets).
I would say severe all financial and legal ties. Hopefully, you can remain friends. It might be too soon, but ending a romantic relationship doesn't have to be death to a friendship.
Be kind, though, and treat her the way you would want her to treat you.
It is very wise to call it before the wedding. I hope she agrees and is understanding.
Hey OP, did you forget to mention meeting someone and wanting to be with them only for them to not want to be with you? Maybe you're not in love with your fiance because you're emotionally cheating on her? You might have deleted the post but the comments are still there. Just admit you don't love your fiance and stop trying to make the break-up her fault in some way. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/19c45s9/comment/kje9tlv/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/19c45s9/comment/kje9tlv/)
It's okay to just break up. You don't need permission and noone needs to be at fault.
Thanks kind anonymous spy! He was on until the wedding is here and he will have no room for trying to find a new woman in between.
I'm sure he didn't talk of his crushes with other women in the couples therapy.
i got this sort of vibe before you even said this! The nagging comment? Usually nagging doesn’t come out of nowhere. Definitely right , there’s another side OP isn’t willing to express
You were ready to move on a few months ago when you were talking to another woman. You deleted your post but your comments are still there. Just bite the bullet and break up already. I how at the very least you are not currently having an affair with that woman. It will hurt worse for your fiancée if she learns you were cheating on her.
It's devastating enough to be broken up with by someone you love. But it's so many levels more pain when cheating is involved.
There's a whole lot that OP isn't putting in the post, and if the relationship isn't open or poly, then it looks like he'd be doing his fiancee a favor by ending it.
Like you, I try to go through OP comments before I comment.
>I stopped seeing her as the love of my life and more as a roommate. Physical/sexual attraction was lost on both accounts. We tried couples therapy but it just didn’t feel right.
From this passage above, it sounds like she feels the same way, too. So, what's the problem with ending it?
Also, you can love someone, and still - that person is not the right person to marry. You can love someone, and still - the right thing to do is to part ways. That takes a lot of care, reflection, and maturity I think.
Most of the time it is the embarrassment to end a relationship when you have told everyone that you are engaged.
I know that is how i felt, so I pushed through with the wedding and hoped it would get better.
It did not, actually it went worse.
One of my biggest mistakes was that I cared what others would think of me if I ended the engagement.
IMO you are so torn because you are really used to her. The unknown is kinda scary. Additionally, it's a sunken cost fallacy thing - 8 years is a long time!
I think you are doing the right thing, as it sounds like the relationship is simply not working. And marriage will not make it work, hell, it will probably be even worse, especially since you noticed the negative changes happening when a lot of serious "next steps" were concerned, like getting a house and getting engaged.
I wish more people wuld be able to see that their relationship is not working and leave, even years in, but so many keep the course and push with even more commitment because they are used to it, and hope that it will just magically get better after xyz event, like a wedding. I'm glad you are not doing it bc yeah, it's a divorce waiting to happen.
Tho I will admit I do wonder what does "therapy didn't feel right" mean? The therapist may have just not be a good match for you guys, but I'm uncertain on how to understand this. Did the therapist take sides, were the actual problems unadressed? I may sound naive, but I think good couples therapy could probably solve a lot of those problems, but yeah both sides have to be open to change and see their faults, if she wan't, then it's probably not going to work.
"You pretend and I pretend that everything is fine, and though we should be at an end, it's so hard admitting when it's quitting time"
\~Mary Chapin Carpenter
I wish I had had the courage of my convictions years ago before marrying my ex. She's a lovely human being but we were wildly incompatible. I didn't break off the engagement because all I could think about was how disappointed and hurt everyone would be. I regret that decision. I hope this helps confirm you in yours.
I realized I was incompatible with the love of my life after a similar timeframe. I still love him, tremendously, but I realized as much as he loved me he was settling and more in love with the idea of my potential than being okay with where I was now. I would have gone on with him forever and been unhappy that I couldn’t live up to his standards and constantly worried if he was settling or about to leave me. It was miserable. I am so incredibly thankful we had eight years together and I wish we could have had healthier ones to have more. Leaving was so scary because it wasn’t just about being alone but losing him, specifically. But I listened to my gut and it ended up being the right choice to make and I am glad I did it. I just have to be the bad guy for a bit and I have to remind myself he will be happier long term, and that letting him go for the right person is the last act of love I can do for him
PSA to anyone engaged: getting married must be the most bedrock solid decision you ever make.
If you feel like it is even 1 percent less than the most secure decision you have ever made then you should stop planning and work towards getting that 1 percent.
The money is only a small part of it. The years or decades of emotional turmoil are worth far more than alimony child support or lawyers fees.
If there is any doubt, DON'T.
I've been with my husband for over 13 years (married for 12). I've never felt this way about him. He was disabled in 2022, and I still couldn't imagine not being without my favorite human. We agree on most things, but we can discuss the things we don't agree on and form a consensus. If you can't do that with your fiancé, marriage won't fix it.
You've been with each other a long time, and it may seem like you don't want to throw away these years, but you lived them. They happened and you experienced them in the moment. You're allowed to close a chapter and start another one.
However, I would tell her everything you're feeling before you make such a drastic decision, and let her know that you're close to breaking your engagement. If you can't talk about it and create a path forward, it may validate your decision to leave or to work it out.
I 29F called off my engagement with my boyfriend 28M. It hurt like hell, you can love a person and not be in love with them, they feel like a roommate or a best friend, and sometimes that's okay, but if you're arguing a ton and you feel unhappy already, you have to cut your losses.
I imagine I would be crying most nights feeling stuck and trapped had I not bitten the bullet when I did. You got this! We deserve better, we deserve to be happy with compatible partners!
Before getting kids into this mess or letting her child free too late to make some with another man, it's a good thing that you question your relationship now.
You know something? Before I actually lived with a woman, I never used to think much about "decorations" for the house, both inside and outside UNTIL I *did* live with one. It was also at that time that I also discovered how important it is to have my personality reflected in my home. The decor thing actually became a "thing" to be sat and negotiated. The point is, having only one person take charge of all that while dismissing the other's input *does* add a strain and resentment in the relationship. Some women do actually believe that this is their domain only and men aren't supposed to care or contribute in any way, except pay for the stuff of course.
Leave now before anything's legal and sell the house.
Do not fall into the Sunk Cost Fallacy. You already know you'll fail at marriage so cut your losses and clean what you can from the experience. Good luck!
I lacked the courage to end things with my now husband, and we ended up getting married after a lengthy engagement. While I initially believed he was the love of my life, the physical attraction gradually faded. Foolishly, I convinced myself that I could live without great intimacy, but I was mistaken. I settled into this routine, attempting to fill the void with love for my child, an exciting lifestyle, and wealth. However, deep down, I always sense that something is amiss, “not quite right” as you say. It may be time to walk away while there's still a chance.
Can you live like this for the rest of your life? If not pause the wedding and have a talk with her, you both might want a break or you guys can come up with solutions but it needs to be a real talk with ending the relationship being a possibility
Hugs to you. This is tough. If you're thinking of ending a marriage before it happens, though, that's what you need to do. Your feelings will not magically change once married, they'll just get worse. Just like having a kid, getting married is not something to be used to try and save a crumbling relationship.
It sounds like you're feeling overruled in your home, which is where you spend your off time so it really should reflect both of you, the dog you didn't want, and the decisions she's made about the wedding. All of those things should be two yes/one no situations and yet you're not being heard. This only gets worse. You are right to be concerned.
Here's how you tell whether or not it's right to end it. If a close friend were in your shoes, what would you advise them to do? Another approach is to think about what it would be like to come home to a place that felt like home. Where you felt comfortable and secure. Nothing you didn't want, and no pressure to do what anyone else wants. Is this bliss or misery? There's your answer.
First, you need a plan. Somebody's moving out and will need a new place to live, and maybe you need to sell the house if you bought it together so you both move. Think through what's fair to both of you and then have a difficult talk with her, calling off the wedding and ending the relationship. Living together has shown you that you're not compatible and that's all you need to tell her. Please do it soon. Waiting on this helps no one.
When you need marriage counseling before you're even married, it's a sign!!!! When I see homes designed on that annoying design channel and see a house designed extremely feminine, as if the husband didn't exist, it ticks me off. Can't have one of the couple have everything their way. It's give and take. You already see things are not working, don't commit to a lifetime of this crap. Can't get married because you don't want to start over. Not something to be lazy about or procrastinate. Best to be honest here before you both make a mistake.
If you feel like this now, moving forward with marriage would be a terrible mistake. Even if you feel like you will be a horrible person for calling it quits. IMO it would be more horrible to go through with the wedding with your current feelings. Why get married only to later get divorced so you don’t feel bad? Makes no sense.
Sunk cost fallacy seems to be only reason I'm hearing you're even still in this. Marriage and later on kids will only compound your existing issues they won't solve them.
Not every relationship will last decades. Most won't. That doesn't make them failures, it just makes them shorter relationships. Better to let it end than try to drag it out when you're both unhappy.
I don't think it's a defeat...it's a victory to realize what you want and need from a partnership before getting married and making a conscious effort to go get it.
I would say call it quits now, I have a close friend in a similar situation and went ahead with the marriage, one kid, and 12 years later, they are getting a costly divorce. Marriage should never have happened, but he was just too caught up in not being the bad guy, and now 12 years later, he is being seen as the bad guy anyway.
It's going to be her story whether you do it now or in 12 years with a child involved.
DO IT.....I HAD A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE CALL HIS WEDDING OFF A MONTH BEFORE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS ANYMORE....HE MET A GIRL 6 MONTHS LATER AND GOT MARRIED 6 MONTHS AFTER THAT AND THEY'RE HAPPY WITH A DAUGHTER...ITS OK TO CUT YOUR LOSES NOW
Trust your gut. I didn’t trust mine in my late 20s, ignored red flags and married the wrong person. Had 2 kids with him. Trust me, throw some kids in the mix and the marriage will only get 100 times harder if you’re not completely compatible. When you meet the one, you will know without a shadow of a doubt. Have gratitude for her and the lessons learned, hold your head high and move forward.
As someone who did go through with the marriage, trust me, this call will save both of you heartache and peace. I was divorced 2 years after marriage. We don't hate each other, but we damn sure should have followed our instincts before committing to that. We weren't happy, fighting about money, little digs about ambition and motivation, and affection. 2 people with love languages that grew apart. We are both in better relationships and happy and overall made the right call. We just should have done it before the wedding. The only good thing that came from my divorce is that it lead me to therapy, and I developed a ton of empathy and understanding about myself and my wants and needs, from myself and future partners
I was married for 4 years before our incompatibility became clear enough to end things after 9 years together in total. You feel bad because you care and are questioning if a big change is worth ending a partnership.
Your decision is sparing you both a lot of pain and suffering in the long run. I was married for 4 years, together 9 years total, and wish we had had the maturity to end things before they came to such a sour ending.
I respect your strength for committing to a happier, more fulfilling life. I wish you both nothing but good things!
Your brain is falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy and also you're probably mourning the person you fell in love with initially. Its ok to be sad but also know you still have to leave.
I want to know why you haven’t sat her down and REALLY talked about what’s been bothering you for 2 whole years!! Is it that she doesn’t want to hear it/lacks empathy OR are you not speaking up and allowing yourself to be steamrolled??
Don’t answer me, just really think about it. Maybe find a therapist to sit down and really talk about these questions to find the answers. Include your fiancée in therapy because it seems like neither of you communicate well which will ruin future relationships.
If you’ve done all that then sack up, sit her down and break up. Figure out how to divide the house/financials (if combined in any way) and move on.
You are a good person because you feel shitty about it.. it was a long term relationship and if it wouldn't make you sad to leave it, it would be weird. It's still better to leave now than marry in regret.
> I feel I genuinely tried my best but I’ll admit defeat.
Defeat? By avoiding a terrible marriage where you are not going to be nowhere near happy? You call that defeat?
I call that a big win, m8.
Not even married and already going to couples counseling? Been together for 8 years and 2 engaged? Dude... If you were meant to be together, you'd be married already.
Sounds like you got an honest taste of married life before you pulled the trigger. Count yourself lucky. Peoples true colors usually don't come out until they're dealing with kids, and then it's too late (ask me how I know). You dodged a bullet.
It's not working because it's not a true partnership. Your ideas and feelings are not important to your fiance and they'll never be in this relationship. The resentment has already killed the physical attraction. Let it go.
OP, I’m sorry this happened, but good for you for doing the hard thing and ending it.
Wherever you can’t get deposits back, see if you can donate it. The hall? Maybe a charitable org can have a money raising function there. Food? Have it delivered to a homeless shelter.
No relationship is perfect. It is all about the commitment. Love comes through hard work and not the other way around.
If therapy does not work, then it's likely there are issues unaddressed. The biggest reason I kept seeing is that people give up before going deeper.
If anything give therapy a proper shot. If your relationship is to end, at least in therapy you both will have a guide to end it properly and have a good closure.
"We tried couples therapy but it just didn’t feel right." That's what people typically say after 1-2 visits. Also they may have gone to the wrong therapist. (Unfortunately some therapists are there to only get paid.)
Usually the first session of therapy is just getting to know each other, the therapist and you. The second session gets into the goals of the therapy itself. You finally start scratching the surface of the problems in the 3-4 visits. And that's like a month into it.
And, according to this post, the answer is not.
From the OP's post "once we started to make a lot of really big moves (engaged, house, dog) I realized we just weren’t right for each other. "
So, yes, they are incompatible. How long they were together is rather irrelevant.
This is a great opportunity to either work on the fundamentals of your relationship and postpone amthe wedding until y'all do it just leave and work on yourself to avoid something like this in the future.
Working on the fundamentals of your relationship include understanding your love languages giving and receiving, understanding your personality/temperament types, understanding your communication styles, your attachment styles, reevaluating what a monogamous romantic relationship is for the both of you, your expectations within the relationship, what does love mean to you, what does marriage look like for you both. Building communication and developing ways for you both to be seen, understood, heard, validated.
It just seems like you never did any of that stuff and just coasted through the relationship until y'all got to the point where y'all wanted to be married, that's when shit got real. I don't blame you it's like that sometimes. Some folks live life on autopilot doing what we were taught to do thinking it was the right way. Not questioning things.
Working on yourself is doing everything I mentioned above on your own, including developing healthy hobbies and interests, and conflict resolution skills to compromise in ways that are beneficial to you.
It’s even worse when you know it’s over to continue the lie and withhold either of y’all’s ability to grieve and move on. She deserves to know how you feel so she can stop living a lie. Get a plan in place to separate and be honest with her
Went through something similar but didn’t call off the wedding, mostly because I was scared of what others would think. Huge mistake. I ended up getting divorced after less than 2 years of marriage.
If the physical/sexual attraction isn’t there, you’re gonna have problems if you stay together.
Either there is a lack of communication or you guys aren't right for each other. You tried couples counseling - what didn't work? "It didn't feel right" doesn't really tell us anything. WHY is there arguing and nagging? How are you communicating your frustrations to your partner? How is she communicating? If you are considering trying to salvage things, these are things you need to think strongly about.
In my marriage, my wife and I don't see eye-to-eye with a LOT of things in our day-to-day, but long-term? We're both in agreement we want to be together and spend our lives together, and that both of us are each other's best friend and partner. Using that as our base, we understand that we're in this together and if we want to make it long-term, we need to come to agreements or even pick our battles. It does not sound like your Fiance and you are starting from a foundation of "we're in this together". It sounds like you never stand up for yourself.
The most telling part of your post: "I stopped seeing her as the love of my life". How do you come back from that? I'll tell you how - you generally don't. I don't think your heart is in it. Even if your fiance still wants to try because she might see you as the love of her life, it would be wrong for you to put on a show and try to get through the wedding. Especially if you're not open to counseling because "it didn't feel right".
**For future relationships:** You sound like a bit of a pushover. That's harsh, but you clearly have strong opinions about the interior/exterior of the house, the wedding planning, and owning a dog (all 3 of these things stood out enough in your mind to be the crux of your frustration), and yet... for all of those, she got her way. Did you propose to her because she kept on pushing you to? Or were you unsure of that as well?
I'm not saying any of that to be mean, but you HAVE to stand up for yourself and draw a line in the sand for things you feel very strongly about in a relationship. And if your partner pushes back, you should absolutely take what they say into consideration and re-evaluate your position. If after thinking about it some more you decide that you still feel the same way, you've got to stand strong. You don't just "wind up with a dog" unless your partner just went out and got one. If she did that, you should have already left. She clearly doesn't respect your opinion if that was what happened. If you begrudgingly gave into getting a dog though, you don't have a leg to stand on. You let it happen in that case.
It's not the real reason -- see upthread, other replies have posted another link with post that he has deleted but the comments are still there. This guy is in an emotional affair by his own admission: he is cheating on his fiance. he is monkey branching bigtime. OP is a narc for sure and this post is calculated to see how those "reasons" for actually breaking up with his fiance (ie the affair has probably already turned physical) stack up with reddit so he can try on for size his "explanation" to his fiance. He is only concerned with himself. He cares nothing about his fiance or her pain.
Note: I posted this answer twice as most people are legit answering for the situation presented in the post that the other link from commenters upthread proves is NOT the whole situation. I feel like this whole post is a false construct.
Makes sense - the whole "couples counseling didn't feel right" made no sense to me. Was it a bad therapist? Was your fiance not an active participant? "Doesn't feel right" tells us absolutely nothing and feels like something someone would say if they had never been or wanted to stop because they just didn't like being told they had to work on some things themself.
Really felt like OP was putting it all on their fiance, when I'm sure there wasn't a gun to their head in getting a dog or the wedding planning. The reason I recommended they break it off is because it sounds like OP is a wet fucking noodle who can't properly communicate with their partner. And hey! Looks like they're a scummy fucking cheater as well.
Thanks for pointing it out.
Makes total sense when you put it through the cheating lens. Also note the not so subtle blameshifting lens aka the ShE's Soo CONtroLLiNg Poor MEEEE narrative eg: how can I blame my fiance for probably just taking charge of things and adulting while I passively drifted along being evasive and non committal... as all cheaters do when they're, um, distracted elsewhere...
I feel like it's disrespectful of the OP to be disingenuous (me being polite!) on this board when kind, concerned and generous people (like you) have spent time crafting thoughtful replies. But the OP is running an agenda and being actually dishonest about the true situation. The mods should probably pick this stuff up earlier. Other commenters and regulars did (not me, I cruise here sometimes).
I also feel, strongly, that the OP (who hasn't even bothered to check in on his post 🚩🚩🚩) has created this mainly to triangulate the interwebs so he can smear the fiance and shorthand link the post and send to anyone who doesn't have a clue as to why he is breaking up with the fiance. For most people who won't look deeply they won't see whiff of L'eau de Narcisssist all over this devaluation and discard (aka the cycle of abuse).
Scummy fucking cheater indeed!
It’s better to end things now than get married and be miserable for years. You’re still young and I’m confident you will find the person you’re meant to spend your life with. Make a clean break and in time you will see it was the right decision.
It is cheaper to end it now than going through a divorce.
I should have done that but I was too weak to end it and gone through with the wedding and then it only lasted 2 years.
Looking back at it, I should have walked away a long time ago.
You know what you have to do.
Youre torn cause you're mourning the relationship you had in your head and the potential you saw.
You're torn cause you invested SO MUCH. And have had to bail.
Sunk cost fallacy sucks but it's also a good thing.
You'll heal, but you need to move on for you.
Just to chime in. It won’t get better but marriage is hard. You have to decide if she is the one you want to do all of the hard with. If she isn’t. Do both of you a favor and walk.
It’s not your fault.
There is a thing where some women say they want a marriage when what they really want is a WEDDING. A big party where it’s all about them. That’s why she doesn’t want your input - it’s all about HER and not BOTH of you joining your lives together.
If you really want to try and talk her off the ledge - by which I mean tell her that her behaviour and attitude towards having a party is a big turn off. You feel unheard and unwanted - it’s YOUR wedding as well and also your life to share with her. You want a say in both the wedding and the direction your lives go.
It’s possible to snap bridezillas out of the fog, so you could try - but if it doesn’t work, it’s not your fault.
And the same basic scenario can play out with people who want a pet - they want an idealised fantasy, not an actual pet. You know, a cute dog she could cuddle whenever but not have to do all the hard work to actually care for it.
You might always be the villain in her story but that’s ok. Honestly after 10 year relationship with my X I realised we were in a similar situation to you. I never stopped caring about my partner but we were no longer growing together, having fun together or really loving each other. We were stuck putting each other’s lives on pause. Finally after he lost another job coz he didn’t like it, I let go and left.
To this day (5 years on) he still feels I just gave up. But if you can step out both of our lives have considerably improved, he has steady work, is self sufficient and a first child. I have been able to study and start a business now that I’m not fully supporting a second human have found a partner who’s values align with mine. He hates me and I will always be the one who ruined it but…. I’m ok with that for both our sakes.
Doing what’s best for you or what you think is best for both of you if not wrong.
It makes you feel horrible because you’re a good person and know that you’ll be changing both lives. In addition to that, being uncomfortable is human. This is going to be so much change but you’re content and know it in your heart that this is the right thing to do. End things and start your new life! This (albeit sad) is going to be an exciting adventure for you
It’s only defeat if you think you can “win” relationships.
Do you actually care about any of the wedding planning stuff? Or do you just want your voice heard?
Having an 8 year relationship where you finish it on good terms is better than dragging it through til divorce and hating each other.
This is why I always say to move in together (*not* buy a house together) before marriage. Living together is a completely different dynamic. A friend of mine had an 8 year relationship break up after shortly after moving in together. It happens. It's normal.
You are torn about it because people say relationships are hard, fights are normal, and these are silly things to get worked up over!! But guess what the secret to many happy and healthy relationships is? They're not hard! It's easy to be with this person. Doing right by each other comes naturally. Fights aren't normal and when they happen they're reasonably civil. And those aren't silly things! The wedding is your day too. The house is your living space too. Repeated lack of consideration of your opinion is a repeated lack of respect of your opinion and therefore your person.
Hey at least you don’t have a child to fight over like we do!! SSDD over here but I regretfully am not going to pull the band aid off until after it is Too Late!! Get it Done!! Wish I had!!
It will be a good decision to not marry if you are not compatible
But it is very weird that it took you 8 years to understand that
That too when you don't even have kids( which is a big change in relationships)
So it might be better to think what were the things that you ignored in initial years so that you do better in your next relationship
Yeah. If you are having second thoughts now that you are engaged, it’s a good idea to end things before getting married. Divorce is expensive and can get really ugly. Take it from someone that ended up paying a lawyer better than 2,000 dollars just to be rid of their spouse.
I have been in a similar situation. I wasn't engaged but I felt like I was just an accessory to her life. It wasn't a combined life I was just tagging along for her ride. She is now married with 2 kids. It may seem devastating for your gf but she will find someone and you will too. Don't force a marriage and think it will help your situation. You know it's over, explain this to her.
It's going to be gut-wrenching and it's going to be painful.
If you are certain, you should not delay in telling her period you both deserve to be with people who are right for you.
It'll take courage to talk to her, but it is the right thing to do and it needs to be done soon
OP, I think what you're describing here is fairly common in relationships around the 6-9 year mark. (It's called the "7-year-itch" for a reason.)
The big difference in your situation is that most couples don't wait 8 years to get married.
I see lots of people saying there's no point in marriage, it's just a piece of paper, etc. Right now, you're seeing that there is a hidden benefit of marriage that isn't often discussed: The commitment you make when you get married encourages you to work harder to maintain your emotional connection, sexual attraction, and ability to work through disagreements.
You and your partner haven't done that work. Ideally, you should have been married while you were still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship – anywhere from year 1 to year 4. Your mindset changes after marriage. She is no longer your girlfriend (whom you could leave at any time if the relationship is no longer fun). She is your wife. You have made a commitment to her. You have pledged to protect her, provide for her, and love her for the rest of your life. That is a HUGE mindset change. It encourages you to put more effort into making your relationship work.
Every conflict you describe is a typical relationship disagreement. The home design, the dog, event plans are all things about which reasonable people can disagree. You didn't get your way. My question is this: Why do you care? If the house looks different than you want, if the wedding plans aren't exactly what you want, if you have to walk a dog occasionally, what does it really matter to you? Don't you love this woman? Don't you want her to be happy?
When I got engaged, my grandfather told me there are two words that will save my relationship: "Yes, dear." After 21 years with the same woman, I can say that is the best advice I've ever received.
If this is a woman you love and cherish, let her get what she wants to be happy, and you focus on enjoying the fact that you get to spend your life with someone so amazing.
My advice is to work on letting go of the fact that you didn't get what you want with the daily logistics of living. It's all small stuff. It doesn't really matter.
Instead, focus on re-establishing your emotional and sexual connection with her. That takes time and effort. Spend time together doing something you both enjoy. Remind yourself of all the things that attracted you to her in the first place. Look at her with fresh eyes. See her as a some other man would see her. Notice all the amazing things about her. Then work to make sure she knows how you really feel about her.
It sounds like he doesn’t actually like her or want to be with her and that it’s just inertia pushing things forward. 50% of marriages fail in the US. The divorce process absolutely can ruin a person’s life. He’s NOT committed to his fiance, and it’s unfair to her to pretend he is.
At the bare minimum you should be cancelling the wedding but if couples counseling doesn't work out no matter how long the relationship its better to let each other go and be happy elsewhere
Better now than once married. There is nothing wrong with saying “this is not working.” She finally got you to ask and now she feels like she has control.
Yes call it quits, all of these will make a difficult marriage. Just tell her it won't work for you and you are breaking it off. You are friends with different tastes now, loyal friends but friends.
Because you are in a comfort zone that is created by both of you and you are about to leave there. Even though you know you should leave her, your mind doesn't want it because you are scared of what will come after you step out of that zone.
It's not an easy task, but you know you should let go of this relationship and you should trust yourself with this decision. It may hurt like Hell at the start but compare to what you will feel if you stay in a loveless, artificial relationship it'll not even sting. Always respect yourself and your decisions, Good luck 🙌
You were together for a long time and essentially grew up together and all those milestones also meant you created a lot of memories together.
However… it seems like you are definitely not equal partners and it’s much better to not sink more money and effort into a wedding if you’re on the fence, let alone if you want to break up.
You're choosing to end things before you get to the point where you hate each other and just want to get away. It's more difficult, but much healthier in the end.
Gently break it off now. Don't get married when you know there are issues that aren't getting better. Yes, breakups are really hard, but in the long term, it's for the best if you're sure of your feelings. Don't doubt yourself. I hope your fiancée will understand, and you can split amicably to make it easier for each other. 8 years is a chapter of your life where you probably learned a lot together. It doesn't have to be all bad, even if it's hard closing the chapter.
Change is scary, breaking up with someone without a real hard specific reason is difficult, these are all natural feelings OP! Trust your gut and wishing you the best 💕
She is planning for the future and building your lives together. Focusing on her making decisions about the wedding planning just aren’t worth even arguing about. You’re focused on the wrong thing. I have been married a long time and the saying “pick your battles” is 100% true. A lot of things just aren’t worth arguing about. You won’t always agree on things, and that’s ok. Talking about those things and compromising is what you should do. Maybe couples counseling is the way to go right now. Losing attraction because of these things is nuts to me, but if it really bothers you that she wants something in the wedding, or house, or a dog, then ok. From what you posted, those aren’t things that are worth getting worked up about
I am proud of you for recognizing this right now. Most of us men don’t act on it. These problems do not go away they amplify especially when you have kids. You WILL be miserable. Do not be torn. She is showing she does not respect you and it’ll end badly if you continue.
The things you are describing are common in marriages and long term relationships. Only you can decide if something is a deal breaker for you. Some counseling and long conversations might just make a difference in all of this. Or, if your fiance is unwilling to make any long term changes, it might indeed be the end of your relationship.
Many of her actions probably can be traced to her experiences of how her family worked as a family unit. In many households, things like decorating and pets and the such comes down to the woman. I'm not saying it's "right", I'm just saying it may be all she knows. Your family and your experiences may be quite different.
If you want to make this work, you need to communicate and both of you may need to make changes and sacrifices. She (and you) need to learn that you are forging ahead with a new family and you are not an extension of how your family was while growing up. If she cannot, or will not, change, then it will be a rough marriage and will likely end in divorce.
My parents have been together 60 years. They go out on dates where they both dress to the nines each Friday. They dance together in the kitchen, they go do experiences together. You two are just performing routines. You stopped dating. This relationship or another, if you don’t continue to date each other you’ll become a chore to each other. Please do the work. Talk about it. Dress up. Go out. Romance one another. Good luck!
After you’ve broken up, will you be able to look back and confidently say you’ve tried everything to make it work? If so, then you don’t have to feel guilty. If there’s still something else you can try that you think would help, then feel free to try that or throw in the towel.
Been there. What do you do if you find late in the relationship that as a couple, you don’t have good problem solving skills? I ended the relationship which hurt both of us like hell. After a few years of working on myself rather than blaming her, I went on to start dating my now wife, with whom I enjoy the confidence that we’re working together to find the best solution to every issue that arises. But I wouldn’t have gotten here without recognizing my part in the problem solving issues.
You still care about her and have love for her. After this much time, she probably feels like family to you. You built a life with her, and you are about to rip that life apart. You know you have to do this, but you know it will cause her a huge amount of pain, and you don't want to see her in pain.
Eventually, she will understand that you 2 weren't right for each other. But you got there first.
This is one of those situations where you just have to do the thing that truly sucks to do.
Man o man. I'll tell you one thing that could potentially save it all for you guys. You'll both have to commit to it so it won't work if only one side does, but I have found that if you both commit to seeing each other's side and verbalizing their side in detail with plenty of feedback with an open mind it will create a new level of communication. I do stress that both sides have to do this and practice this regularly. It's very hard to do (to argue or discuss favorably the other party's opinion and feelings and thoughts on a particular subject rather than your own ) but it is VITAL to making your partner heard and understood as well as yourself.
It's hard to walk away from a long relationship and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel attachment, especially when there isn't some big issue to pin this to. And you probably don't want to hurt her. But it really does sound best if you do not marry. Life is better when you have a good partner to share the burdens, but worse when you have a bad partner. It's better to go alone.
Start by telling her that you are having second thoughts about marriage and ask her if she is feeling the same. And if you have friends or family you can stay with for a week or so while you figure out what you want to do, it might help.
Don't feel terrible for ending this relationship. If you truly feel you have given it everything you've got and you can't see marriage working out happily, end it NOW and hope you can get some of your money back from vendors.
You need to sit your partner down and lay it all out on the table. Expect her to be stunned and be heartbroken. That's normal. But also ask her to consider if she thinks you could genuinely make one another blissfully happy for life. Because right now, it certainly doesn't feel like it.
Of course, you are torn. This was the person who you thought was the one. You now have to call it quits, and even tho that's the right decision, it's not an easy one to make.
You're gonna have to start over now. You thought you found your person, but now you're gonna have to start that search again. It's not fun.
But you're definitely making the right decision. You're also allowed to be torn about it.
Honestly if I was broken up with for the reasoning you have after spending almost 10 years of my life with the person it would absolutely devastate me I feel bad for her
Please don’t waste more money and time on this relationship. A wedding plus a divorce is going to financially set you back YEARS. Go through with cancelling the wedding and leaving her immediately if you’re going to end up doing it eventually one way or another. It’s also unethical for you to lead her on if you do not intend from the beginning to actually be in this pending marriage.
It's normal to feel torn in a situation like this, especially since you've been with her for 8 years at this point. But you two are definitely incompatible from the sound of this post so it is probably the best decision to break up.
Well done brother. You have saved yourself and you have saved her.
I demanded we don’t get a dog, I was already married, I said it would be become my job to care for it. It has become my job. I think in a lot of cases they are a way of trapping people to be at home. I’m retired and can go anywhere but the dog holds me, as I love it to bits.
OP, you need to at least postpone the wedding. Yes, it will hurt and feel awful, but it is better than trudging along and being in an unhappy marriage. Divorce is expensive and can take along time. It is ridiculous to consider getting married after what you said.
Please don't look at this as a failure or defeat. Neither of you are happy right now. That is the whole point. Some relationships just last a short time, some years and some decades. It doesn't mean you are bad or a failure. People change. Make the decision now before you start putting down non-refundable deposits.
Divorce is not unavoidable, but that doesn't mean you have to feel like you are giving up. You decide where your time goes that is your right as a human being. You never know what happens in the future, but you know this is not working right now. Be brave, trust yourself, bring this up when you have real resolve to do it or you will be easily walked back from it.
I'm concerned about you saying you tried couples counseling but "it just didn’t feel right."
Counseling only works if both parts are willing to do the work. If you are not, then you should move on. But if you can issues, they will only resurface in the next relationship, and the next, and the next.
You are holding on because you want to save the relationship. Therapy is the only way that will happen.
Good luck.
Hey so yea it definitely is hard to call it quits and you will feel bad but you will feel worse if you stay… if you both feel that things have changed and certain things are no longer then you need to both have a seat and lay through cards out there’s no more trying to work things out or fix things thing are past that point it just talk and end things on a good note before they end on a terrible note and things like this are ok… things
Happen and we wish they didn’t yes we loved each other before and all that good stuff but things happen and this is where we are now…. Best to both go your separate ways before you end up really hating each other… good luck
It's hard because you've invested 8 years in this relationship. Still, it sounds like you KNOW what needs to be done. Once you've made the break and move on, you WILL look back and wonder why you didn't do this sooner.
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It’s a great mercy to end things cleanly and respectfully. If you’re having this kind of trouble before you’re even married, it won’t get better after the wedding.
Especially since marriage counseling didn’t seem to help. Breaking up now is a lot cheaper than going through a divorce
And won’t involve destroying kids lives too. Better to break it off now.
I'd agree with you if only I haven't read OP's comments. He's deleted a post about "losing F(37)" who sounds like an old friend/ex/crush. Sounds like the boat of ending things respectfully with his fiance has sailed off and sank. Totally agree that he should let this poor woman go.
It sounds like he wanted more than just friendship with the woman. Having an emotional affair while he was with his fiance? He needs to say goodbye to her and both move on
Yap, exactly!
Where can I see THOSE comments/post?
Just realised he's deleted the post
Can't seem to be able to access it anymore so IDK. Not that well versed in Reddit retrieving info.
Thanks. It’s always appreciated when someone else does the digging.
When will they learn that even if they delete a post that it doesn't delete the comments on the post?!?!?!?
It's the 7 year itch! Crazy how it seems to be a real thing.
It seems to be. Went through a similar experience in the past, but surprisingly, it passes if you work hard on communication through the period of time it takes to get through it. The only thing I can explain it as, is getting to the point in life where you want to develop your own self, and need to communicate that very clearly, especially since one side may need it more than the other in the relationship.
It certainly was a thing for me but I didn't act on it. I enjoyed the attention and thought about it but didn't want to hurt my ex or my kid. My ex, on the other hand, had the 7, 9, 10, 12 and 14 year itch.
This is exactly what I came here to say. Ending it now is so much kinder than moving forward masquerading happiness and contentment. Give her the chance to move on with someone who’s happy to be making these moves with her.
I've been to quite few weddings where the couple has had problems before the wedding. Let's just say, getting married didn't fix anything.
More people should break up while they still like each other.
So true, so wise.
And he’s in love with someone else so….I’d say she’s dodging a bullet when he leaves.
Agree
Check other comments, OP admitted to emotionally cheating on his fiance!!
You are torn because change is uncomfortable, especially when you know a bunch of other people are going to be upset at you for it. But you need to do what is best for you BOTH, and that means ending this so BOTH of you can be with partners that are better suited to you. You tried your best and you are still miserable. That's how you know that you have kept this relationship going way beyond it's expiration date. Try to end it as respectfully as you can and focus on severing all ties with her. Get a lawyer to deal with the house and the dog. As soon as you break up, start calling on the wedding and see if you can get any money back.
Ouch on those non-refundable deposits..
I know way too many people who went through with a wedding because if they called it off they’d lose money. You know what’s really expensive? Divorce attorneys.
This. Many people fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Instead of ending a relationship when it reaches a natural ending point, they keep at it - either out of misguided hope or fear of being alone. In the end, the amount for a divorce, emotional toll, etc. ends up costing these people a lot more.
Not just the attorneys, the longer you stay together the more of your money they’re entitled to. I mean you’re entitled to theirs too but if what you fight over is their spending it’s a double whammy.
And losing the whole value of everything for a wedding and not just the deposits...
What’s the average cost for a divorce I wonder? Mine was $30k just on my side. Hers was about the same. And I think we were on the low end. A friend of mine spent over $100K for his side alone (they had a ton of shared assets).
I hope he ends it so she can find a partner that actually wants to be with her and not emotionally cheat on her.
I would say severe all financial and legal ties. Hopefully, you can remain friends. It might be too soon, but ending a romantic relationship doesn't have to be death to a friendship. Be kind, though, and treat her the way you would want her to treat you. It is very wise to call it before the wedding. I hope she agrees and is understanding.
Except he was having an emotional affair, I don't think friends would be an option if she knew.
Hey OP, did you forget to mention meeting someone and wanting to be with them only for them to not want to be with you? Maybe you're not in love with your fiance because you're emotionally cheating on her? You might have deleted the post but the comments are still there. Just admit you don't love your fiance and stop trying to make the break-up her fault in some way. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/19c45s9/comment/kje9tlv/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/19c45s9/comment/kje9tlv/) It's okay to just break up. You don't need permission and noone needs to be at fault.
Nice catch. There's the other side!
Thanks kind anonymous spy! He was on until the wedding is here and he will have no room for trying to find a new woman in between. I'm sure he didn't talk of his crushes with other women in the couples therapy.
i got this sort of vibe before you even said this! The nagging comment? Usually nagging doesn’t come out of nowhere. Definitely right , there’s another side OP isn’t willing to express
I swear 90% of these stories make me think there must be another side. I must admit this wasn’t one of them, but I am not surprised. Nice catch! LOL
DAMN!! OP GOT CAUGHT! You suck OP. Stop the fake tears.
This should 1000% be the top comment
Well. This needs to be the top comment.
Oh, this needs to be the top comment!!
You were ready to move on a few months ago when you were talking to another woman. You deleted your post but your comments are still there. Just bite the bullet and break up already. I how at the very least you are not currently having an affair with that woman. It will hurt worse for your fiancée if she learns you were cheating on her. It's devastating enough to be broken up with by someone you love. But it's so many levels more pain when cheating is involved.
Does your Fiancee know about the "relationship" you had with the 37yr old woman?!?!?
There's a whole lot that OP isn't putting in the post, and if the relationship isn't open or poly, then it looks like he'd be doing his fiancee a favor by ending it. Like you, I try to go through OP comments before I comment.
If another commenter hadn't said something about OPs comments on this deleted post I wouldn't have ever committed....
>I stopped seeing her as the love of my life and more as a roommate. Physical/sexual attraction was lost on both accounts. We tried couples therapy but it just didn’t feel right. From this passage above, it sounds like she feels the same way, too. So, what's the problem with ending it?
Also, you can love someone, and still - that person is not the right person to marry. You can love someone, and still - the right thing to do is to part ways. That takes a lot of care, reflection, and maturity I think.
Most of the time it is the embarrassment to end a relationship when you have told everyone that you are engaged. I know that is how i felt, so I pushed through with the wedding and hoped it would get better. It did not, actually it went worse. One of my biggest mistakes was that I cared what others would think of me if I ended the engagement.
IMO you are so torn because you are really used to her. The unknown is kinda scary. Additionally, it's a sunken cost fallacy thing - 8 years is a long time! I think you are doing the right thing, as it sounds like the relationship is simply not working. And marriage will not make it work, hell, it will probably be even worse, especially since you noticed the negative changes happening when a lot of serious "next steps" were concerned, like getting a house and getting engaged. I wish more people wuld be able to see that their relationship is not working and leave, even years in, but so many keep the course and push with even more commitment because they are used to it, and hope that it will just magically get better after xyz event, like a wedding. I'm glad you are not doing it bc yeah, it's a divorce waiting to happen. Tho I will admit I do wonder what does "therapy didn't feel right" mean? The therapist may have just not be a good match for you guys, but I'm uncertain on how to understand this. Did the therapist take sides, were the actual problems unadressed? I may sound naive, but I think good couples therapy could probably solve a lot of those problems, but yeah both sides have to be open to change and see their faults, if she wan't, then it's probably not going to work.
"You pretend and I pretend that everything is fine, and though we should be at an end, it's so hard admitting when it's quitting time" \~Mary Chapin Carpenter
I wish I had had the courage of my convictions years ago before marrying my ex. She's a lovely human being but we were wildly incompatible. I didn't break off the engagement because all I could think about was how disappointed and hurt everyone would be. I regret that decision. I hope this helps confirm you in yours.
Except OP was having an emotional affair so maybe he should tell his fiancée that and see if she still wants him at all
I realized I was incompatible with the love of my life after a similar timeframe. I still love him, tremendously, but I realized as much as he loved me he was settling and more in love with the idea of my potential than being okay with where I was now. I would have gone on with him forever and been unhappy that I couldn’t live up to his standards and constantly worried if he was settling or about to leave me. It was miserable. I am so incredibly thankful we had eight years together and I wish we could have had healthier ones to have more. Leaving was so scary because it wasn’t just about being alone but losing him, specifically. But I listened to my gut and it ended up being the right choice to make and I am glad I did it. I just have to be the bad guy for a bit and I have to remind myself he will be happier long term, and that letting him go for the right person is the last act of love I can do for him
That took a lot of courage. Good for you! ❤ Shalom
PSA to anyone engaged: getting married must be the most bedrock solid decision you ever make. If you feel like it is even 1 percent less than the most secure decision you have ever made then you should stop planning and work towards getting that 1 percent. The money is only a small part of it. The years or decades of emotional turmoil are worth far more than alimony child support or lawyers fees. If there is any doubt, DON'T.
I've been with my husband for over 13 years (married for 12). I've never felt this way about him. He was disabled in 2022, and I still couldn't imagine not being without my favorite human. We agree on most things, but we can discuss the things we don't agree on and form a consensus. If you can't do that with your fiancé, marriage won't fix it. You've been with each other a long time, and it may seem like you don't want to throw away these years, but you lived them. They happened and you experienced them in the moment. You're allowed to close a chapter and start another one. However, I would tell her everything you're feeling before you make such a drastic decision, and let her know that you're close to breaking your engagement. If you can't talk about it and create a path forward, it may validate your decision to leave or to work it out.
I 29F called off my engagement with my boyfriend 28M. It hurt like hell, you can love a person and not be in love with them, they feel like a roommate or a best friend, and sometimes that's okay, but if you're arguing a ton and you feel unhappy already, you have to cut your losses. I imagine I would be crying most nights feeling stuck and trapped had I not bitten the bullet when I did. You got this! We deserve better, we deserve to be happy with compatible partners!
Before getting kids into this mess or letting her child free too late to make some with another man, it's a good thing that you question your relationship now.
You know something? Before I actually lived with a woman, I never used to think much about "decorations" for the house, both inside and outside UNTIL I *did* live with one. It was also at that time that I also discovered how important it is to have my personality reflected in my home. The decor thing actually became a "thing" to be sat and negotiated. The point is, having only one person take charge of all that while dismissing the other's input *does* add a strain and resentment in the relationship. Some women do actually believe that this is their domain only and men aren't supposed to care or contribute in any way, except pay for the stuff of course. Leave now before anything's legal and sell the house.
Better now than to add kids into the mix. If your mind isn’t willing to try to fix it, then you’ve already made your decision. 😎✌🏻
Do not fall into the Sunk Cost Fallacy. You already know you'll fail at marriage so cut your losses and clean what you can from the experience. Good luck!
I lacked the courage to end things with my now husband, and we ended up getting married after a lengthy engagement. While I initially believed he was the love of my life, the physical attraction gradually faded. Foolishly, I convinced myself that I could live without great intimacy, but I was mistaken. I settled into this routine, attempting to fill the void with love for my child, an exciting lifestyle, and wealth. However, deep down, I always sense that something is amiss, “not quite right” as you say. It may be time to walk away while there's still a chance.
As someone who did get married and had a child only to separate after 3 years of marriage. Do it now. Sometimes love isn't enough.
Can you live like this for the rest of your life? If not pause the wedding and have a talk with her, you both might want a break or you guys can come up with solutions but it needs to be a real talk with ending the relationship being a possibility
Hugs to you. This is tough. If you're thinking of ending a marriage before it happens, though, that's what you need to do. Your feelings will not magically change once married, they'll just get worse. Just like having a kid, getting married is not something to be used to try and save a crumbling relationship. It sounds like you're feeling overruled in your home, which is where you spend your off time so it really should reflect both of you, the dog you didn't want, and the decisions she's made about the wedding. All of those things should be two yes/one no situations and yet you're not being heard. This only gets worse. You are right to be concerned. Here's how you tell whether or not it's right to end it. If a close friend were in your shoes, what would you advise them to do? Another approach is to think about what it would be like to come home to a place that felt like home. Where you felt comfortable and secure. Nothing you didn't want, and no pressure to do what anyone else wants. Is this bliss or misery? There's your answer. First, you need a plan. Somebody's moving out and will need a new place to live, and maybe you need to sell the house if you bought it together so you both move. Think through what's fair to both of you and then have a difficult talk with her, calling off the wedding and ending the relationship. Living together has shown you that you're not compatible and that's all you need to tell her. Please do it soon. Waiting on this helps no one.
from a previous post he was having an emotional affair with someone that didn't want him back, she should run.
When you need marriage counseling before you're even married, it's a sign!!!! When I see homes designed on that annoying design channel and see a house designed extremely feminine, as if the husband didn't exist, it ticks me off. Can't have one of the couple have everything their way. It's give and take. You already see things are not working, don't commit to a lifetime of this crap. Can't get married because you don't want to start over. Not something to be lazy about or procrastinate. Best to be honest here before you both make a mistake.
It's not a defeat. It's not a breakup. It's a conclusion. Your relationship went as far as it should. It concluded.
If you feel like this now, moving forward with marriage would be a terrible mistake. Even if you feel like you will be a horrible person for calling it quits. IMO it would be more horrible to go through with the wedding with your current feelings. Why get married only to later get divorced so you don’t feel bad? Makes no sense.
If you know it’s wrong then you are making the correct decision
Sunk cost fallacy seems to be only reason I'm hearing you're even still in this. Marriage and later on kids will only compound your existing issues they won't solve them.
Someone else mentioned this already, but your hesitation sounds like classic sunk cost fallacy, because you spent a long time with her.
Not every relationship will last decades. Most won't. That doesn't make them failures, it just makes them shorter relationships. Better to let it end than try to drag it out when you're both unhappy.
I don't think it's a defeat...it's a victory to realize what you want and need from a partnership before getting married and making a conscious effort to go get it.
Yeah call it quits. You are making the right call. Learn about the sunk cost fallacy
People change. It’s a sad reality of life but it sounds like you want a partner and she wants an assistant to the manager
What you experience typically occurs after marriage, rather than prior. At this rate, it may likely only get worse and more difficult to exit.
I would say call it quits now, I have a close friend in a similar situation and went ahead with the marriage, one kid, and 12 years later, they are getting a costly divorce. Marriage should never have happened, but he was just too caught up in not being the bad guy, and now 12 years later, he is being seen as the bad guy anyway. It's going to be her story whether you do it now or in 12 years with a child involved.
DO IT.....I HAD A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE CALL HIS WEDDING OFF A MONTH BEFORE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS ANYMORE....HE MET A GIRL 6 MONTHS LATER AND GOT MARRIED 6 MONTHS AFTER THAT AND THEY'RE HAPPY WITH A DAUGHTER...ITS OK TO CUT YOUR LOSES NOW
Trust your gut. I didn’t trust mine in my late 20s, ignored red flags and married the wrong person. Had 2 kids with him. Trust me, throw some kids in the mix and the marriage will only get 100 times harder if you’re not completely compatible. When you meet the one, you will know without a shadow of a doubt. Have gratitude for her and the lessons learned, hold your head high and move forward.
As someone who did go through with the marriage, trust me, this call will save both of you heartache and peace. I was divorced 2 years after marriage. We don't hate each other, but we damn sure should have followed our instincts before committing to that. We weren't happy, fighting about money, little digs about ambition and motivation, and affection. 2 people with love languages that grew apart. We are both in better relationships and happy and overall made the right call. We just should have done it before the wedding. The only good thing that came from my divorce is that it lead me to therapy, and I developed a ton of empathy and understanding about myself and my wants and needs, from myself and future partners
I was married for 4 years before our incompatibility became clear enough to end things after 9 years together in total. You feel bad because you care and are questioning if a big change is worth ending a partnership. Your decision is sparing you both a lot of pain and suffering in the long run. I was married for 4 years, together 9 years total, and wish we had had the maturity to end things before they came to such a sour ending. I respect your strength for committing to a happier, more fulfilling life. I wish you both nothing but good things!
Your brain is falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy and also you're probably mourning the person you fell in love with initially. Its ok to be sad but also know you still have to leave.
I want to know why you haven’t sat her down and REALLY talked about what’s been bothering you for 2 whole years!! Is it that she doesn’t want to hear it/lacks empathy OR are you not speaking up and allowing yourself to be steamrolled?? Don’t answer me, just really think about it. Maybe find a therapist to sit down and really talk about these questions to find the answers. Include your fiancée in therapy because it seems like neither of you communicate well which will ruin future relationships. If you’ve done all that then sack up, sit her down and break up. Figure out how to divide the house/financials (if combined in any way) and move on.
They were going to couples counseling I’m confused why you think she’s unaware.
You are a good person because you feel shitty about it.. it was a long term relationship and if it wouldn't make you sad to leave it, it would be weird. It's still better to leave now than marry in regret.
> I feel I genuinely tried my best but I’ll admit defeat. Defeat? By avoiding a terrible marriage where you are not going to be nowhere near happy? You call that defeat? I call that a big win, m8.
I mean he was cheating on her anyway, she's dodged a bullet
I stayed and “did the right thing by my then girlfriend” and it’s been a mistake that has ruined a lot of my life.
You have my permission to end this relationship. Best of luck.
It's so much easier (and cheaper) to call off a wedding than to get a divorce
If you find that your fiance is also thinking of leaving, would you feel less guilty?
Not even married and already going to couples counseling? Been together for 8 years and 2 engaged? Dude... If you were meant to be together, you'd be married already.
Sounds like you got an honest taste of married life before you pulled the trigger. Count yourself lucky. Peoples true colors usually don't come out until they're dealing with kids, and then it's too late (ask me how I know). You dodged a bullet.
It's not working because it's not a true partnership. Your ideas and feelings are not important to your fiance and they'll never be in this relationship. The resentment has already killed the physical attraction. Let it go.
Please for your own benefit learn to say not
2 year engagement and one more to go until the wedding...yikes.
If it helps ease the guilt think of it this way- it would be cruel to marry her, you're stealing time from her. The same goes for you- move on.
It will hurt a lot less to do it now than after the wedding
Better to get out now before it’s too late. Signed, a guy who didn’t do that.
Once it's about obligation instead of desire, it should be over.
OP, I’m sorry this happened, but good for you for doing the hard thing and ending it. Wherever you can’t get deposits back, see if you can donate it. The hall? Maybe a charitable org can have a money raising function there. Food? Have it delivered to a homeless shelter.
No relationship is perfect. It is all about the commitment. Love comes through hard work and not the other way around. If therapy does not work, then it's likely there are issues unaddressed. The biggest reason I kept seeing is that people give up before going deeper. If anything give therapy a proper shot. If your relationship is to end, at least in therapy you both will have a guide to end it properly and have a good closure.
OP's post states they have already tried couples therapy.
"We tried couples therapy but it just didn’t feel right." That's what people typically say after 1-2 visits. Also they may have gone to the wrong therapist. (Unfortunately some therapists are there to only get paid.) Usually the first session of therapy is just getting to know each other, the therapist and you. The second session gets into the goals of the therapy itself. You finally start scratching the surface of the problems in the 3-4 visits. And that's like a month into it.
Or maybe people are incompatible and should move on without wasting any more time and money.
Doing a breakup with guidance to avoid creating more self defeating trauma responses seems like a value add, not waste of money or time, imo.
They were together for 8 years. That's long enough, far beyond knowing if they were compatible or not.
And, according to this post, the answer is not. From the OP's post "once we started to make a lot of really big moves (engaged, house, dog) I realized we just weren’t right for each other. " So, yes, they are incompatible. How long they were together is rather irrelevant.
This is a great opportunity to either work on the fundamentals of your relationship and postpone amthe wedding until y'all do it just leave and work on yourself to avoid something like this in the future. Working on the fundamentals of your relationship include understanding your love languages giving and receiving, understanding your personality/temperament types, understanding your communication styles, your attachment styles, reevaluating what a monogamous romantic relationship is for the both of you, your expectations within the relationship, what does love mean to you, what does marriage look like for you both. Building communication and developing ways for you both to be seen, understood, heard, validated. It just seems like you never did any of that stuff and just coasted through the relationship until y'all got to the point where y'all wanted to be married, that's when shit got real. I don't blame you it's like that sometimes. Some folks live life on autopilot doing what we were taught to do thinking it was the right way. Not questioning things. Working on yourself is doing everything I mentioned above on your own, including developing healthy hobbies and interests, and conflict resolution skills to compromise in ways that are beneficial to you.
It’s even worse when you know it’s over to continue the lie and withhold either of y’all’s ability to grieve and move on. She deserves to know how you feel so she can stop living a lie. Get a plan in place to separate and be honest with her
Went through something similar but didn’t call off the wedding, mostly because I was scared of what others would think. Huge mistake. I ended up getting divorced after less than 2 years of marriage. If the physical/sexual attraction isn’t there, you’re gonna have problems if you stay together.
Get out. Do it. Things won’t-don’t get better after marriage. And then she’ll want a baby.
Either there is a lack of communication or you guys aren't right for each other. You tried couples counseling - what didn't work? "It didn't feel right" doesn't really tell us anything. WHY is there arguing and nagging? How are you communicating your frustrations to your partner? How is she communicating? If you are considering trying to salvage things, these are things you need to think strongly about. In my marriage, my wife and I don't see eye-to-eye with a LOT of things in our day-to-day, but long-term? We're both in agreement we want to be together and spend our lives together, and that both of us are each other's best friend and partner. Using that as our base, we understand that we're in this together and if we want to make it long-term, we need to come to agreements or even pick our battles. It does not sound like your Fiance and you are starting from a foundation of "we're in this together". It sounds like you never stand up for yourself. The most telling part of your post: "I stopped seeing her as the love of my life". How do you come back from that? I'll tell you how - you generally don't. I don't think your heart is in it. Even if your fiance still wants to try because she might see you as the love of her life, it would be wrong for you to put on a show and try to get through the wedding. Especially if you're not open to counseling because "it didn't feel right". **For future relationships:** You sound like a bit of a pushover. That's harsh, but you clearly have strong opinions about the interior/exterior of the house, the wedding planning, and owning a dog (all 3 of these things stood out enough in your mind to be the crux of your frustration), and yet... for all of those, she got her way. Did you propose to her because she kept on pushing you to? Or were you unsure of that as well? I'm not saying any of that to be mean, but you HAVE to stand up for yourself and draw a line in the sand for things you feel very strongly about in a relationship. And if your partner pushes back, you should absolutely take what they say into consideration and re-evaluate your position. If after thinking about it some more you decide that you still feel the same way, you've got to stand strong. You don't just "wind up with a dog" unless your partner just went out and got one. If she did that, you should have already left. She clearly doesn't respect your opinion if that was what happened. If you begrudgingly gave into getting a dog though, you don't have a leg to stand on. You let it happen in that case.
It's not the real reason -- see upthread, other replies have posted another link with post that he has deleted but the comments are still there. This guy is in an emotional affair by his own admission: he is cheating on his fiance. he is monkey branching bigtime. OP is a narc for sure and this post is calculated to see how those "reasons" for actually breaking up with his fiance (ie the affair has probably already turned physical) stack up with reddit so he can try on for size his "explanation" to his fiance. He is only concerned with himself. He cares nothing about his fiance or her pain. Note: I posted this answer twice as most people are legit answering for the situation presented in the post that the other link from commenters upthread proves is NOT the whole situation. I feel like this whole post is a false construct.
Makes sense - the whole "couples counseling didn't feel right" made no sense to me. Was it a bad therapist? Was your fiance not an active participant? "Doesn't feel right" tells us absolutely nothing and feels like something someone would say if they had never been or wanted to stop because they just didn't like being told they had to work on some things themself. Really felt like OP was putting it all on their fiance, when I'm sure there wasn't a gun to their head in getting a dog or the wedding planning. The reason I recommended they break it off is because it sounds like OP is a wet fucking noodle who can't properly communicate with their partner. And hey! Looks like they're a scummy fucking cheater as well. Thanks for pointing it out.
Makes total sense when you put it through the cheating lens. Also note the not so subtle blameshifting lens aka the ShE's Soo CONtroLLiNg Poor MEEEE narrative eg: how can I blame my fiance for probably just taking charge of things and adulting while I passively drifted along being evasive and non committal... as all cheaters do when they're, um, distracted elsewhere... I feel like it's disrespectful of the OP to be disingenuous (me being polite!) on this board when kind, concerned and generous people (like you) have spent time crafting thoughtful replies. But the OP is running an agenda and being actually dishonest about the true situation. The mods should probably pick this stuff up earlier. Other commenters and regulars did (not me, I cruise here sometimes). I also feel, strongly, that the OP (who hasn't even bothered to check in on his post 🚩🚩🚩) has created this mainly to triangulate the interwebs so he can smear the fiance and shorthand link the post and send to anyone who doesn't have a clue as to why he is breaking up with the fiance. For most people who won't look deeply they won't see whiff of L'eau de Narcisssist all over this devaluation and discard (aka the cycle of abuse). Scummy fucking cheater indeed!
It’s better to end things now than get married and be miserable for years. You’re still young and I’m confident you will find the person you’re meant to spend your life with. Make a clean break and in time you will see it was the right decision.
It is cheaper to end it now than going through a divorce. I should have done that but I was too weak to end it and gone through with the wedding and then it only lasted 2 years. Looking back at it, I should have walked away a long time ago. You know what you have to do.
I started to follow a simple rule. If it is a maybe then it is no. It is fuck year or no. Life is way more simple!
It’s not defeat. This wasn’t a competition to see who wins. This is your life and you need to make choices that are what’s best for YOU.
Youre torn cause you're mourning the relationship you had in your head and the potential you saw. You're torn cause you invested SO MUCH. And have had to bail. Sunk cost fallacy sucks but it's also a good thing. You'll heal, but you need to move on for you.
Better now before marriage and kids than a divorce later.
Just to chime in. It won’t get better but marriage is hard. You have to decide if she is the one you want to do all of the hard with. If she isn’t. Do both of you a favor and walk.
Sometime we have to realize for others, our best is not good enough. Doing it now saves a lot of pain, but it will still hurt you both.
Marriage is an expensive mistake. In the long run you’ll both be glad you didn’t make it knowingly.
It’s not your fault. There is a thing where some women say they want a marriage when what they really want is a WEDDING. A big party where it’s all about them. That’s why she doesn’t want your input - it’s all about HER and not BOTH of you joining your lives together. If you really want to try and talk her off the ledge - by which I mean tell her that her behaviour and attitude towards having a party is a big turn off. You feel unheard and unwanted - it’s YOUR wedding as well and also your life to share with her. You want a say in both the wedding and the direction your lives go. It’s possible to snap bridezillas out of the fog, so you could try - but if it doesn’t work, it’s not your fault. And the same basic scenario can play out with people who want a pet - they want an idealised fantasy, not an actual pet. You know, a cute dog she could cuddle whenever but not have to do all the hard work to actually care for it.
You might always be the villain in her story but that’s ok. Honestly after 10 year relationship with my X I realised we were in a similar situation to you. I never stopped caring about my partner but we were no longer growing together, having fun together or really loving each other. We were stuck putting each other’s lives on pause. Finally after he lost another job coz he didn’t like it, I let go and left. To this day (5 years on) he still feels I just gave up. But if you can step out both of our lives have considerably improved, he has steady work, is self sufficient and a first child. I have been able to study and start a business now that I’m not fully supporting a second human have found a partner who’s values align with mine. He hates me and I will always be the one who ruined it but…. I’m ok with that for both our sakes. Doing what’s best for you or what you think is best for both of you if not wrong.
Perfect decision.quit it before you get into a legal battle
It makes you feel horrible because you’re a good person and know that you’ll be changing both lives. In addition to that, being uncomfortable is human. This is going to be so much change but you’re content and know it in your heart that this is the right thing to do. End things and start your new life! This (albeit sad) is going to be an exciting adventure for you
It’s only defeat if you think you can “win” relationships. Do you actually care about any of the wedding planning stuff? Or do you just want your voice heard? Having an 8 year relationship where you finish it on good terms is better than dragging it through til divorce and hating each other.
That's exactly what I went through for 11 years with my ex. Honestly dude you're making the right decision, the sooner you cut it off the better.
This is why I always say to move in together (*not* buy a house together) before marriage. Living together is a completely different dynamic. A friend of mine had an 8 year relationship break up after shortly after moving in together. It happens. It's normal. You are torn about it because people say relationships are hard, fights are normal, and these are silly things to get worked up over!! But guess what the secret to many happy and healthy relationships is? They're not hard! It's easy to be with this person. Doing right by each other comes naturally. Fights aren't normal and when they happen they're reasonably civil. And those aren't silly things! The wedding is your day too. The house is your living space too. Repeated lack of consideration of your opinion is a repeated lack of respect of your opinion and therefore your person.
If you’re having doubts, for the love of god break up
Hey at least you don’t have a child to fight over like we do!! SSDD over here but I regretfully am not going to pull the band aid off until after it is Too Late!! Get it Done!! Wish I had!!
Look up sunk cost fallacy. It will explain why you feel like you do.
It will be a good decision to not marry if you are not compatible But it is very weird that it took you 8 years to understand that That too when you don't even have kids( which is a big change in relationships) So it might be better to think what were the things that you ignored in initial years so that you do better in your next relationship
Yeah. If you are having second thoughts now that you are engaged, it’s a good idea to end things before getting married. Divorce is expensive and can get really ugly. Take it from someone that ended up paying a lawyer better than 2,000 dollars just to be rid of their spouse.
I have been in a similar situation. I wasn't engaged but I felt like I was just an accessory to her life. It wasn't a combined life I was just tagging along for her ride. She is now married with 2 kids. It may seem devastating for your gf but she will find someone and you will too. Don't force a marriage and think it will help your situation. You know it's over, explain this to her.
That’s what engagements are for. It’s going to suck and be hard, but you have to do it.
It's going to be gut-wrenching and it's going to be painful. If you are certain, you should not delay in telling her period you both deserve to be with people who are right for you. It'll take courage to talk to her, but it is the right thing to do and it needs to be done soon
You are not happy. Split now.
It sounds like the two of you don't know how to be married. Probably ought to figure that out sometime.
It's hard yo cancel a wedding.. it's harder to do a divorce.
Consider yourself lucky you can end it now before kids and another 8 lost years of your life. Take the L and find yourself a cooperative woman.
OP, I think what you're describing here is fairly common in relationships around the 6-9 year mark. (It's called the "7-year-itch" for a reason.) The big difference in your situation is that most couples don't wait 8 years to get married. I see lots of people saying there's no point in marriage, it's just a piece of paper, etc. Right now, you're seeing that there is a hidden benefit of marriage that isn't often discussed: The commitment you make when you get married encourages you to work harder to maintain your emotional connection, sexual attraction, and ability to work through disagreements. You and your partner haven't done that work. Ideally, you should have been married while you were still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship – anywhere from year 1 to year 4. Your mindset changes after marriage. She is no longer your girlfriend (whom you could leave at any time if the relationship is no longer fun). She is your wife. You have made a commitment to her. You have pledged to protect her, provide for her, and love her for the rest of your life. That is a HUGE mindset change. It encourages you to put more effort into making your relationship work. Every conflict you describe is a typical relationship disagreement. The home design, the dog, event plans are all things about which reasonable people can disagree. You didn't get your way. My question is this: Why do you care? If the house looks different than you want, if the wedding plans aren't exactly what you want, if you have to walk a dog occasionally, what does it really matter to you? Don't you love this woman? Don't you want her to be happy? When I got engaged, my grandfather told me there are two words that will save my relationship: "Yes, dear." After 21 years with the same woman, I can say that is the best advice I've ever received. If this is a woman you love and cherish, let her get what she wants to be happy, and you focus on enjoying the fact that you get to spend your life with someone so amazing. My advice is to work on letting go of the fact that you didn't get what you want with the daily logistics of living. It's all small stuff. It doesn't really matter. Instead, focus on re-establishing your emotional and sexual connection with her. That takes time and effort. Spend time together doing something you both enjoy. Remind yourself of all the things that attracted you to her in the first place. Look at her with fresh eyes. See her as a some other man would see her. Notice all the amazing things about her. Then work to make sure she knows how you really feel about her.
It sounds like he doesn’t actually like her or want to be with her and that it’s just inertia pushing things forward. 50% of marriages fail in the US. The divorce process absolutely can ruin a person’s life. He’s NOT committed to his fiance, and it’s unfair to her to pretend he is.
At the bare minimum you should be cancelling the wedding but if couples counseling doesn't work out no matter how long the relationship its better to let each other go and be happy elsewhere
If couples therapy didn't help, then it is time to throw in the towel.
Would you rather do this now when the wedding is a year out? Or do it when the wedding is three weeks out. Think…non refundable deposits.
Better now than once married. There is nothing wrong with saying “this is not working.” She finally got you to ask and now she feels like she has control.
Yes call it quits, all of these will make a difficult marriage. Just tell her it won't work for you and you are breaking it off. You are friends with different tastes now, loyal friends but friends.
Because you are in a comfort zone that is created by both of you and you are about to leave there. Even though you know you should leave her, your mind doesn't want it because you are scared of what will come after you step out of that zone. It's not an easy task, but you know you should let go of this relationship and you should trust yourself with this decision. It may hurt like Hell at the start but compare to what you will feel if you stay in a loveless, artificial relationship it'll not even sting. Always respect yourself and your decisions, Good luck 🙌
God. End it while u r ahesd. Its better than a divorce costing u over 28,000.
You were together for a long time and essentially grew up together and all those milestones also meant you created a lot of memories together. However… it seems like you are definitely not equal partners and it’s much better to not sink more money and effort into a wedding if you’re on the fence, let alone if you want to break up.
You could try couples counseling, but that only works if you want to fix things.
I'm sorry this hasn't worked out for you both. That said, breaking up is cheaper than a divorce.
You're choosing to end things before you get to the point where you hate each other and just want to get away. It's more difficult, but much healthier in the end.
Gently break it off now. Don't get married when you know there are issues that aren't getting better. Yes, breakups are really hard, but in the long term, it's for the best if you're sure of your feelings. Don't doubt yourself. I hope your fiancée will understand, and you can split amicably to make it easier for each other. 8 years is a chapter of your life where you probably learned a lot together. It doesn't have to be all bad, even if it's hard closing the chapter.
Change is scary, breaking up with someone without a real hard specific reason is difficult, these are all natural feelings OP! Trust your gut and wishing you the best 💕
She is planning for the future and building your lives together. Focusing on her making decisions about the wedding planning just aren’t worth even arguing about. You’re focused on the wrong thing. I have been married a long time and the saying “pick your battles” is 100% true. A lot of things just aren’t worth arguing about. You won’t always agree on things, and that’s ok. Talking about those things and compromising is what you should do. Maybe couples counseling is the way to go right now. Losing attraction because of these things is nuts to me, but if it really bothers you that she wants something in the wedding, or house, or a dog, then ok. From what you posted, those aren’t things that are worth getting worked up about
I am proud of you for recognizing this right now. Most of us men don’t act on it. These problems do not go away they amplify especially when you have kids. You WILL be miserable. Do not be torn. She is showing she does not respect you and it’ll end badly if you continue.
The things you are describing are common in marriages and long term relationships. Only you can decide if something is a deal breaker for you. Some counseling and long conversations might just make a difference in all of this. Or, if your fiance is unwilling to make any long term changes, it might indeed be the end of your relationship. Many of her actions probably can be traced to her experiences of how her family worked as a family unit. In many households, things like decorating and pets and the such comes down to the woman. I'm not saying it's "right", I'm just saying it may be all she knows. Your family and your experiences may be quite different. If you want to make this work, you need to communicate and both of you may need to make changes and sacrifices. She (and you) need to learn that you are forging ahead with a new family and you are not an extension of how your family was while growing up. If she cannot, or will not, change, then it will be a rough marriage and will likely end in divorce.
My parents have been together 60 years. They go out on dates where they both dress to the nines each Friday. They dance together in the kitchen, they go do experiences together. You two are just performing routines. You stopped dating. This relationship or another, if you don’t continue to date each other you’ll become a chore to each other. Please do the work. Talk about it. Dress up. Go out. Romance one another. Good luck!
After you’ve broken up, will you be able to look back and confidently say you’ve tried everything to make it work? If so, then you don’t have to feel guilty. If there’s still something else you can try that you think would help, then feel free to try that or throw in the towel.
Been there. What do you do if you find late in the relationship that as a couple, you don’t have good problem solving skills? I ended the relationship which hurt both of us like hell. After a few years of working on myself rather than blaming her, I went on to start dating my now wife, with whom I enjoy the confidence that we’re working together to find the best solution to every issue that arises. But I wouldn’t have gotten here without recognizing my part in the problem solving issues.
You still care about her and have love for her. After this much time, she probably feels like family to you. You built a life with her, and you are about to rip that life apart. You know you have to do this, but you know it will cause her a huge amount of pain, and you don't want to see her in pain. Eventually, she will understand that you 2 weren't right for each other. But you got there first. This is one of those situations where you just have to do the thing that truly sucks to do.
Man o man. I'll tell you one thing that could potentially save it all for you guys. You'll both have to commit to it so it won't work if only one side does, but I have found that if you both commit to seeing each other's side and verbalizing their side in detail with plenty of feedback with an open mind it will create a new level of communication. I do stress that both sides have to do this and practice this regularly. It's very hard to do (to argue or discuss favorably the other party's opinion and feelings and thoughts on a particular subject rather than your own ) but it is VITAL to making your partner heard and understood as well as yourself.
It's hard to walk away from a long relationship and you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel attachment, especially when there isn't some big issue to pin this to. And you probably don't want to hurt her. But it really does sound best if you do not marry. Life is better when you have a good partner to share the burdens, but worse when you have a bad partner. It's better to go alone. Start by telling her that you are having second thoughts about marriage and ask her if she is feeling the same. And if you have friends or family you can stay with for a week or so while you figure out what you want to do, it might help.
Don't feel terrible for ending this relationship. If you truly feel you have given it everything you've got and you can't see marriage working out happily, end it NOW and hope you can get some of your money back from vendors. You need to sit your partner down and lay it all out on the table. Expect her to be stunned and be heartbroken. That's normal. But also ask her to consider if she thinks you could genuinely make one another blissfully happy for life. Because right now, it certainly doesn't feel like it.
Of course, you are torn. This was the person who you thought was the one. You now have to call it quits, and even tho that's the right decision, it's not an easy one to make. You're gonna have to start over now. You thought you found your person, but now you're gonna have to start that search again. It's not fun. But you're definitely making the right decision. You're also allowed to be torn about it.
Honestly if I was broken up with for the reasoning you have after spending almost 10 years of my life with the person it would absolutely devastate me I feel bad for her
Please don’t waste more money and time on this relationship. A wedding plus a divorce is going to financially set you back YEARS. Go through with cancelling the wedding and leaving her immediately if you’re going to end up doing it eventually one way or another. It’s also unethical for you to lead her on if you do not intend from the beginning to actually be in this pending marriage.
It's normal to feel torn in a situation like this, especially since you've been with her for 8 years at this point. But you two are definitely incompatible from the sound of this post so it is probably the best decision to break up.
Well done brother. You have saved yourself and you have saved her. I demanded we don’t get a dog, I was already married, I said it would be become my job to care for it. It has become my job. I think in a lot of cases they are a way of trapping people to be at home. I’m retired and can go anywhere but the dog holds me, as I love it to bits.
!UpdateMe
8 years wasted
Jeez good thing you waited a decade to get married lmao
OP, you need to at least postpone the wedding. Yes, it will hurt and feel awful, but it is better than trudging along and being in an unhappy marriage. Divorce is expensive and can take along time. It is ridiculous to consider getting married after what you said. Please don't look at this as a failure or defeat. Neither of you are happy right now. That is the whole point. Some relationships just last a short time, some years and some decades. It doesn't mean you are bad or a failure. People change. Make the decision now before you start putting down non-refundable deposits.
Divorce is not unavoidable, but that doesn't mean you have to feel like you are giving up. You decide where your time goes that is your right as a human being. You never know what happens in the future, but you know this is not working right now. Be brave, trust yourself, bring this up when you have real resolve to do it or you will be easily walked back from it.
bro the last paragraph is like a rap song. the rhymes are perfect, i feel the flow also. are you a poet bychance
NTA. Its best for both if you to move on. Do it now while you both have a chance to find someone else.
I'm concerned about you saying you tried couples counseling but "it just didn’t feel right." Counseling only works if both parts are willing to do the work. If you are not, then you should move on. But if you can issues, they will only resurface in the next relationship, and the next, and the next. You are holding on because you want to save the relationship. Therapy is the only way that will happen. Good luck.
Hey so yea it definitely is hard to call it quits and you will feel bad but you will feel worse if you stay… if you both feel that things have changed and certain things are no longer then you need to both have a seat and lay through cards out there’s no more trying to work things out or fix things thing are past that point it just talk and end things on a good note before they end on a terrible note and things like this are ok… things Happen and we wish they didn’t yes we loved each other before and all that good stuff but things happen and this is where we are now…. Best to both go your separate ways before you end up really hating each other… good luck
It's hard because you've invested 8 years in this relationship. Still, it sounds like you KNOW what needs to be done. Once you've made the break and move on, you WILL look back and wonder why you didn't do this sooner.
You let her run all over your. Move on. Work on your boundaries and backbone in the aftermath.