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Wow. Leave. Choking is the most common form of spousal murder.
He’s probably always felt this way about his and your roles in the marriage but it’s just never come to light until you “disobeyed” him.
You’re in a very vulnerable place right now and you need to be very careful planning your exit strategy. Talk to your family. Stay safe.
Not only is it a sign that the abuse is escalating, where strangulation is present in abusive relationships, studies show the odds that the victim of abuse will be murdered by their partner increase by *750%.* It is the single greatest predictor that the relationship will end in homicide. And not just overall, in general. You’re 750% more likely to be murdered *within the next year.*
OOP, please get away from this person as soon as you can safely do so. I know you said he didn’t hurt you (this time), but his hands didn’t just “end up” on your throat. Certainly not when he was already displaying controlling behavior and escalating anger toward you.
I'm starting to think he must have, but my mind is a mess. He never did anything before this that showed he thought like this, at all. I never would have thought that.
I'll talk to my parents. I just want to think but I don't think I have the time to. If he had his way we'd be moving within the week.
Don't go to Belarus, under any circumstances, even if he tells you that it's just for a visit. He may not allow you to leave the country and you are very well aware that the political system there probably wouldn't favor you. Being a dual citizen probably wouldn't help, either; there are many examples for Russia claiming dual citizens as their own against their will, and I can't imagine that would go any better in Belarus.
You are confused because your husband made you believe you were seeing eye to eye in your life goals. Now that you're married and pregnant, he thinks you can't escape him any more and is showing his real self. Pack a bag and go back to your parents, or, if they aren't supportive, to a friend or even a hotel. That will help you to clear your head. And I'm sorry, but you'll really need to get a divorce.
Edit: typo
This. Do not travel with him. Share your location on your phone with your parents if possible. You never know.
Do not ever let him alone with the baby when it's there. He will take your child and you will never see it again.
The choking is the first sign that he will hurt you.
I hate to say it, but it’s not too late for an abortion. It is probably best to not have any continued connection with this abuser if it can be helped.
She is still early on
Even if she was willing to deal with him forever as a co-parent, she'd be bringing a child into the world to be parented by a man with a shocking, hidden abusive streak and likely at risk of international kidnapping. Even in the Scandi Utopias, I know systems fail women and mothers. She's only 13 weeks, abortion is available in Sweden to 18.
I know it seems like a momentous decision, but the advice you’re getting here is spot on. Nothing else matters right now and except safety for you and your baby. When a man behaves like this, it’s never a one time thing. Please leave
OP needs to make sure she has all her important documents locked up in a safe place. And money of her own in a separate account.
Definitely never go anywhere with this POS!
I wonder if she can get the marriage annulled?
Yes! Bring all important documents to her parents house and keep it locked up there, put all her money into a private account, preferably at another bank
A marriage annulment is very difficult to get in Sweden, requiring some specific circumstances. I don’t think those are present here but I’m not a lawyer. Divorce or death are the standard ways of ending a marriage.
Oh also OP should make sure her passport and any other vital documents are with her parents.
Just to be on the safe side. I don't know what, if anything he could do with these items, but I'd be afraid of even the possibility he could do something nefarious with them.
**Edited to add**
Also OP should make sure she keeps the babies vital documents and passport if they get one for the baby away from her husband.
I'm hoping/assuming he wouldn't be able to get the baby a passport without OP being their or her express consent/extra paperwork. I believe that is how it works in the US (it's been a few years since we got our son one so I'm fuzzy on the details)
But at least if OP has the baby's birth certificate and other vital documents then that's one additional barrier for the husband to overcome if he wanted to get a passport without OP's knowledge.
Honestly, I don’t know if this is legal in Sweden but I would consider terminating the pregnancy if I were OP. I just have this feeling that if her husband can’t make her go to Belarus then he’s going to kidnap their child and take them there by himself. Then OP will have to decide whether she abandons her child with her abusive husband in another country or move to Belarus to be with her child (and thus, under her abusive husband’s thumb). **This baby will absolutely be a pawn to control her.**
I am sad, but I agree. This isn’t a good situation for a child, and quite honestly being tied to him her whole life will be a nightmare. She could never rest easy. This guy is NOT what he seemed to be, and he will ramp up the abuse. It always happens.
These types of men shouldn’t have children. They just want pawns to control the mothers. It’s sick. I am a new mom, and I can’t even imagine how bad I’d feel if I knowingly brought my child into that messed up environment. The stress, the strife, the fear, and all of that is something I’d prefer to not knowingly sign my child up for.
Yes, and I wonder if this accidental pregnancy was actually planned by her husband. He thinks she’s trapped with him now and that it’s safe to show her how she can expect to be treated in the future.
Divorce also sets boundaries for where he can take the baby. If you stay married, he can get you to go to Belarus by simply flying with the child there for a visit and not returning. You will fly there and you will be controlled by this man the rest of your life and you will allow him to have complete control over your child and you will be abused (it's already started and it'll get worse, and he won't just abuse you).
With a divorce, the court can state that neither of you can take the baby out of the country without mutual consent.
Sorry it's happening but glad you got to see it before you couldn't do anything about it. You see that he doesn't see you as an equal. You see that if you don't divorce him before the birth, you will be moving. You see what type of father he will be (if he abuses you, he will abuse the child).
Even more importantly, the country of Belarus would not allow her to leave. This is about way more than the husband at this point. Also, the New York Times reported today that satellite images suggest Russia is building a facility for nuclear storage in Belarus.
OP trust every one of your instincts on this. Talk to your family ASAP and come up with a plan to keep you safe. Your husband is not safe anymore.
It is very common for abuse to start in pregnancy.
If he tries to force you to the airport, be VOCAL with every single person you can YOU DO NOT AGREE TO BE HERE AND ARE BEING HELD AGAINST YOUR WILL. Do NOT go quietly. Tell every singe airport employee you can that you need help. Ask someone to call the police.
Give your passports to your parents for safe keeping.
Get important documents (birth certificate, marriage license, identificafion numbers, etc) out of the house.
Tell your midwives/gp/obgyn what happened and ask for a referral to counseling.
Tell your hospital you do not want him in the labor and delivery ward.
Do not tell him when you go into labor.
I am so sorry.
He believes you are trapped and is showing his true colors.
**You are NOT trapped. You and your baby will be safe if you act NOW and take this seriously**.
Sweden is an *amazing* country for social support.
Tell your parents. This will *suck*. It is not the life you wanted. Get safe. Mourn the life you thought you would have. You can do this.
All of this! Plus, don’t believe him when he suddenly becomes “the sweet man you married”. He has shown you the first pieces of who is really is. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
Maybe to get away from him: don’t tell him you’re against his idea. “Lose” your passport, get your doctor to say travel is unsafe…whatever it takes so you cannot leave Sweden with him, but he needs to know you are wanting to move with him. Hopefully you could convince him to go to Belarus ahead of you. Then he will be farther away as you plan your true escape from him.
People start showing their abusive nature when their partner is locked in. Married or pregnant. Most women are abused during pregnancy because they can't leave. Also remember that his country is not known for equal rights for women. Please stay in Sweden. You are very lucky to have a country that is among the best in the world for supporting women and children.
Also. Even though it would still be very hard, it will be easier to leave when pregnant than post partum when you’re sleep deprived and also physically recovering.
Please please please talk to your parents ASAP and get out. The choking is seriously concerning as southcostal said it literally increases the chance of spousal murder by *edited to accurate statistic 750%. If you leave the country I have no doubt that your passport will mysteriously disappear or he’ll openly take it because he thinks he gets to dictate your life.
I get that you want to think it over because you’re confused and potentially feel embarrassed that he tricked you like this. Unfortunately, time is of the essence. There’s also nothing to be ashamed of. It’s beyond challenging to leave an abusive relationship, which is what yours has turned into. Most survivors go back 7 times. It’s also really rare someone leaves after the first incident because they think it’ll get better. His first incident was choking you. It won’t get better you and your child deserve better.
ETA: with [fact checking](https://wingsprogram.com/domestic-violence-and-strangulation4-facts-and-4-myths/) the percentage that he kills you goes up 750% which is beyond terrifying
Pregnancy is when abusers think they locked you down and cant go anywhere, its not odd he is escalating now
Divorce no matter what, you are not safe with him
1000% this - he thinks he has you trapped now and can control you. Go to your friends and family and expose his ABUSE and start the divorce process along with restraining order. Him choking you is the nr 1 predictor of murder.
My ex also waited till riiiiight after I was past the acceptable abortion period to go full psycho. Almost ended my life with the way he treated me during pregnancy. Your husband is trying to isolate you so you can’t escape him. He thinks he has you locked down. Divorce him immediately. The number one cause of death in pregnant women is murder. And I’m pretty sure it’s a worldwide statistic. Please listen to all of the strangers here warning you. Run.
Same with my ex husband. Until we married and I was pregnant he was a sweetheart. As soon as I was in that vulnerable position, the switch flipped and the horrible person that he had apparently always apparently been hiding came fully out. It was terrifying.
Please call Kvinnofridslinjen on 020-50 50 50.
The call is free of charge and you are anonymous when you call.
Tell them what has happened and do not go with him to Belarus.
Snälla ring dem och stanna i Sverige.
https://kvinnofridslinjen.se/
My abusive ex was also sweet and nice until he wasn't. If he had been like that since day one, I wouldn't have dated him. Of course your husband has never did anything before like this or you wouldn't have married him.
Op, sometimes, men lie until they feel they have someone so entangled they can’t leave.as my ex-husband said “ of course I lied, you would have left me if you knew the truth”
This is who he is, the mask fell off. I know you're not in the US, but here the leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. Women in America are more likely to be murdered than die of any pregnancy related medical issue. Pregnancy commonly brings out the abusive behavior, because abusive men think you are trapped. Prove him wrong and divorce him, because he thinks he has the right to choke you when he doesn't get his way.
This sort of stuff often happens after a child is in the picture as the abusive partner feels like they have you 'trapped'. Be very careful. Get your things in order quietly and then move to your parents with your important documents.
Well I think you SHOULD move within the week, within the next 24 hours actually!
Move in with your parents, I mean.
Seriously. Tell them EVERYTHING. Tell them he grabbed you by the neck, tell them you are afraid. You deserve to be safe. If you can, go stay with your parents. Please. The leading cause of death for a pregnant woman is murder.....
Before, he hadn't managed to chain you to him by marriage and offspring. Now he thinks he's got you in his power. Make sure he doesn't manage to solidify that power by taking you away from your support and isolating you in another country.
It's extremely common for abuse to surface after marriage and especially pregnancy!
Homocide is the leading cause of death in pregnant and postpartum women.
And choking is one of the biggest predictor of homocide. If your partner has choked or strangled you, you are 10 times more likely to be killed by them.
You have to get out to safety, this man might actually murder you.
OP TAKE THIS ADVICE **PLEASE!!!** This pdf is literally the most valuable item you could be offered right now. READ IT. THIS BOOK CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE. It was what got me to realize my ex was abusive (it’s never as clear as you’d think it would be when you’re in the thick of it.) Trauma very much messes up your memory abilities & thought processes.
The author was a counselor for men who had been forced, via court order, to take anger management classes for domestic violence charges/convictions. He realized they fell into quite well-defined archetypes, and write the book to help the victims be able to see their abusive partners for what they are. The beauty is that they behave so similarly to one another, that it makes their future behaviour predictable. It’s such an incredibly valuable piece of writing and it’s free online for all to read.
**NOTE- do NOT LET HIM SEE YOU READING IT!!!** many men have knowledge of this publication and are not at all happy to find their partner has figured out what they’re doing. My ex flipped out when he saw it on my phone. Please be extremely cautious.
Do not go with him. He’s already started being abusive and if he manages to make you move countries and isolate you it’s going to be so much harder to leave. Get your important documents and go stay with your parents. Tell them what happened and report it. Your married and now pregnant those are usually the two things that preceded a significant increase in abuse
Abusers are well known for hiding their abusive nature until they marry their prey or impregnate them. And that's what you are to him, prey. Never doubt for one second that this man has complete control over the violence he commits against you.
It's also important to know that you are currently at an extremely high risk of being killed. Murder is one of the most common causes of death for pregnant women. You need to tell your family the truth and you need help disappearing. Once he isolates you from your family and friends, you're pretty much fucked.
Abuse often ramps up in marriages and relationships after a woman falls pregnant. They view it as "trapping" you.
I'm assuming with how far along you are that you've told people. He probably feels very secure in the fact this baby will be born and will tie you to him forever.
Please call whatever abuse and domestic violence helplines that exist in Sweden and ask for help. Tell your family what he plans to do. I have a feeling he will be trying to force you across borders soon enough. Leave to your parents. Immediately. Take only what is necessary like documents and some clothes. A pet if you have them.
Hide your passports by giving them to family and tell them under no circumstances are they to ever to give it to him. If he tries to take you to an airport, smuggle a spoon into your underwear and be "caught" by officials. When they pull you aside, tell them what is happening. Be loud. Be difficult.
This man does not respect you. He is trying to own you.
Op,my stepfather love bombed my mother for a year in my home country,married her,got her pregnant 10 months later,moved us to his home country where we didnt speak the laungueg and 1 week before my sibling was born we discovered he was covert drunken narcissist that enjoyed emotionally and mentally abusing her and just LOVED to emotionally,mentally and PYHSICLLY abuse his step daughter(me)!
And thus we were trapped!
Do not go to Belarus!!!
Abusers will take their victims away from supporting families and friends. They isolate them. My God, he doesn’t just want you to leave your home, he wants you to leave your country! He can’t force you to leave your country.
I think it’s very telling that this came to light not just after you were married, or after you got pregnant, but after you hit the 13 week mark. Meaning second trimester, meaning no easy task to get an abortion. He really made a conscious effort to wait until you were well and truly trapped. I’m very sorry, this is awful.
It’s Sweden. Abortion is up to the pregnant women until week 18. After that you need special dispensation from the board of social health and welfare. In 2021 they got 553 requests for later term abortions and approved 516 of them. Second trimester is not a cutoff for abortion in Sweden.
Am I the only person who thinks she should tell him that she had a "miscarriage"? Otherwise, she'll be chained to this monster for years, sharing custody. That's IF she gets away safely.
And it was a "surprise" pregnancy - did he tamper with her birth control?
You’re not the only one. Obviously, all of us have our viewpoints on this subject that are highly subjective and very personal. For me? I think it’s particularly cruel to bring a child into this abusive mess. I couldn’t do that to my child. I love my baby so much, and I’d never knowingly set them up for a life of abuse, and witnessing abuse. I also think men like this don’t deserve children. People also don’t realize how hard it is to have a child. It’s HARD. Even in the best of circumstances it’s hard, and will take every ounce of energy from you. It’s going to be ridiculously tough to leave after she has the baby. Especially if she has any complications. I wouldn’t even do it. She’s young and can have another child with a loving partner who is worthy of such a special gift.
Please don't leave op, you will be trapped and without your support network. I really think he is doing this to get a firmer grip on you so that he can control you compleatly.
Sometimes abusive partners true colors do not come out until they feel they have trapped us. It seems that getting married and pregnant has final made him feel he has control of you. But he will feel ultimate control when he takes you away from friends and family. Trust your gut and protect yourself and your baby from this abuse. It’s a good thing your child is not born yet because he might be the type to take your child to belarus in order to get you there.
Please get away from him and get a protection order for you and your child.
> He yelled at me and said that he was my husband, and that it's not up to me to decide how our life will be
Easiest "divorce" of my life and I comment here a lot lol
And don't forget to ad the assault that he did when he wrapped his hands around her throat. That sort of behaviour always escalates. I hope OP takes her safety seriously & gets out of this relationship. It's just not safe for her or her baby.
And he wants to move to a region that is at war. I mean here is the travel advisory “Do not travel to Belarus due to the Belarusian authorities' continued facilitation of Russia's war against Ukraine, the buildup of Russian military forces in Belarus, the arbitrary enforcement of local laws, the potential of civil unrest, the risk of detention”
For goodness sake don't move to Belarus and *then* "do everything you can to move back". Just stay in Sweden. Once you move he'll be wanting custody and will prevent you from moving.
If he wants to move to Belarus, then he's welcome to go.
I totally agree with that notion. OP needs to pack a bag quickly and go to her family ASAP and file for divorce. His negative behavior is escalating. So many partners let their true colors fly after a pregnancy happens (starting to think this pregnancy isn’t so accidental).
I'm always flabbergasted how long some abusers can hide who they are from their partners. Wasting years of someone's life to trap them is so devastating..
I had a friend that ended up in an abusive marriage after marrying them. When I was telling another friend about some of their behavior because I had to cancel plans to help them move out, the friend responded with “there’s no way that they just changed their behavior like that - there had to be signs.”
There wasn’t. It was literally like a switch was flipped. The marriage didn’t last long at all.
People say Reddit tells everyone to divorce but in reality people come to Reddit with these problems because they feel like they can't speak to people in real life about it because people in real life would tell them to divorce haha
True, I would also add a police report for the chocking during intercourse and attempted coercive control. Even though OP doesn’t name it, from their description is an easy conclusion to make. IMO!
Leave. And I mean this, immediately. Whatever you do do NOT leave Sweden where you have a good support system, human rights and an easier opportunity to divorce. If he tries to force you hide a metal object in your clothes so they pull you aside at security. We will help you.
I am swedish too and if you need any help with finding support organizations, women’s shelter, anything like that you can DM me.
If you divorce and he would start threatening you or anything like that you can report him to the police to get a Kontaktförbud, also you can get skyddat ID via Skatteverket.
As another Swede I agree: you have numerous safety measures around you to help get away. Please use any of these resources as there is unfortunately overwhelming statistics which puts you on high risk of being murdered:
- abusive men will change their behaviors once they feel the women is “stuck”, for example when you’re pregnant with the first kid
- trying to choke you is THE NUMBER ONE predictor for partner homicide!
Definitely 💯 this! Put yourself in a safe location! Get an order of protection from him. Don’t tell him where you are. If he is a danger can he be stripped of Swedish citizenship and sent back to Belarus. Also put on the no fly list to Sweden. This guy seems like he may get further violent and in the USA even with protective orders and relocation, the husband’s still find a way to murder them.
Because it doesn't take much with protection.Orders to find out the address of the person with the protection order which is why some people in abusive relationships refuse to even seek those orders and just choose to flee without any kind of a paper trail. All it takes is one dumb court, clerk.Or one young court clerk or whatever to slip just a little bit of the wrong information. Or if they have a friend who's a cop.Or have a friend who even works in any kind of government office.It's really disturbing.How much information is public even when there are protection orders and even sealed records. Then add the other issues mentioned and then different jurisdictions and their issues communicating in the USA.
I am just saying this so people understand why sometimes people just flee and don't go through the courts in the USA also each state is so different on these laws more so by the type of judges in each area rather than necessarily laws (which also vary). And in more rual areas the worse it can be also the more religious the worse it can be
Also in Sweden (Stockholm)! OP, if there’s anything we can help you with, tell us!
If your husband chokes you, it’s over 700% more likely that they will kill you within a year. The top cause of death of pregnant women is their partners murdering them. I’m very worried for you. You NEED to leave him and report him to the police. Without proof they may not be able to do much, but if you have pictures of your bruises or if he’s admitted to it via text they can do something. And if there’s no proof, at least you’ll create a paper trail which will help in the future.
100% correct. OP ASAP (like today) please go and have your neck and throat area checked over by a medical professional at your nearest hospital who understands the risk of non fatal strangulation. Even if you have no pain, no obvious signs of injury, the amount of pressure to cause damage to the delicate vessels in your neck is equivalent to the amount of force required to open a can soda/pop/soft drink.
OP can also talk to her midwife!! Not sure if it’s mandatory everywhere but my midwife told me I had to go to at least one appointment with her by myself. In that appointment she asked me if anyone around me was being abusive, if I felt safe at home etc. They can offer resources if you need help. (I’m in Sweden too)
In France, I've been ask about domestic violence or violence of any kind by the hospital midwife when I registered there. I was surprised to be asked these questions and I found them very appropriate for anyone who would need to open up before bringing a child to this crazy world.
When ever I took my wife to the hospital ( she has krohns ). I would always make a point to get up and leave while she was being admitted. Just so they can ask those important questions!!
In the US as well, and they asked me the same at my IVF appointments.
Kind of nice that they were trying to make sure I was safe before a pregnancy even started. And made sure nobody was forcing me to get pregnant against my will.
Canadian and every doctors appointment where my husband wasn’t present, they asked me if me and my children were safe, if I felt comfortable staying, if I had anything to disclose confidentially.
Oh yeah, i know this is a bit different cause I am a guy so wouldnt see a womens doctor alone, but have been asked that question quite a few times with my doctor in the US. Basically do I feel safe at home. Plus I remember when my ex was pregnant, I would go to all the appointments and they’d typically take her in alone and come get me after.
OP even if it is not mandatory, leave your phone at home while your husband is at work, and ask a neighbout to use their phone. Then call the midwife, and let them know that you need an appointment alone with them, where your phone is not in the room. Just incase hubby has some sort of spyware that makes it so he can listen in, or see what calls are made, etc. This may seem extreme, but he put his hands on you, while you are pregnant, because he feels like he has you fully trapped now. When their partner is married and pregnant many abusers feel safe showing their true selves.
The reason to leave your phone in a different room/at home is I had a friend who's partner had that sort of spyware on her phone. We did not know until he showed up at a mutual friend's house and started to threaten everyone there for "helping her leave him". She never called a shelter from her phone, never emailed them, never searched for them, or had us text them to her. Literally the only way he could know was if he was listening in while we were talking, not even on the phone, sitting next to each other talking. Better to assume he has this on your devices so you can stay safe, rather than find out at home, alone, that he has this installed on a device.
And nothing against Belarus, but there is absolutely no way that country takes better care of pregnant women, children, and domestic abuse victims than Sweden does. The legal/medical/social welfare system is just not on the same level. I also wonder if he waited until he was 27 to push to go back because Belarus only drafts (12-18 months of military service) up to age 27.
Really I should have said "nothing against *the people* of Belarus"...I'm Ukrainian Canadian and agree with you 100%. Their dictator is a boot licker and doing nothing to advance quality of life
Tagging onto this comment, I can not emphasise enough, if the abusive behaviour has escalated recently (last two months), you have been choked during an assault and your partner acts in a way that is controlling of you or you and another family member, the behaviour will get worse. You are statistically at significant risk of being seriously hurt or killed.
I usually roll my eyes at reddit relationship comments saying "immediately divorce", however, if what you're saying is true, you are at a genuine significant risk.
I'd also advise you look up the cycle of family violence, as he's likely to be overly nice to you to seek your forgiveness in the coming days.
Trying to boost this comment. When I heard his hands were on her throat, I got very scared for OP. Pregnancy often brings out latent aggression or dominance in awful men. They think you are trapped with their baby and start to exert more harmful control over you and your body.
Please go stay with your mom or someone you can trust. It's not safe in your home anymore. He will escalate as he sees himself losing control over you and his child.
This This This!!!!
Many times I've heard of men's personalities switching (or more likely, true colours showing) after a big change in the relationship - like getting married, and/or getting pregnant.
DO NOT GO BACK TO BELARUS WITH HIM!
Of all the times to try to take you away from your family without even asking you about it first.... You're especially vulnerable now. Isolating you away from family and your familiar home...
Nuh-uh, don't do it.
Please don't.
Go to your parents’ place. Don’t tell him. Just leave one day. Send someone for your stuff. He may get aggressive and even kill you if he catches you. Run. Tell everyone you fear for your safety, go to your parents. Divorce. Don’t leave Sweden.
Absolutely this.
OP - he DID hurt you AND the baby. Putting his hands on you with violence and disregard surely caused you immense stress which is harmful. You don’t need a bruise to be hurt.
He’s revealed his truth. I’m sorry he hid it so long and is showing it now that you’re pregnant and he wants to enforce his “authority as a MAN” on you. Horrible.
Stay safe.
Yeah…I’m American and if I had the option I think I’d prefer Sweden over nearly anywhere else on earth.
The statement that he thinks they’ll have a better life in Belarus should have her considering an abortion: this man is either crazy, stupid, or both…and it’s not worth the risk of passing on his genes.
He’s sexist first and foremost. Wants to move them somewhere where he can force all child rearing onto her, make her subservient, and be supported to do that by the culture.
It really reminds me of this book I read when I was a teenager called Not Without My Daughter, where a woman's husband moves her and their daughter back to his home country (Iran) and forces them to stay there. Even though she has the opportunity to leave several times, she refuses to because she would have to leave alone. He uses their child to control her the entire time, and I'm worried this is what will happen to OP if she agrees to go.
Yea I saw this movie.
Belarus has been hostile to women’s rights activists in recent years. It is dangerous to even go on a trip there. This could happen.
Also it’s dangerous to spend any more time with abusive husband in general.
Same. American born and Sweden/Canada are the only places I'd wanna live that aren't tropical paradises. Scotland sounds reasonable but I've never been.
Yes. He put his hands on your throat. Leave immediately. That is one of the biggest precursors to being unalived by your partner. Get out as soon as possible.
So I work in DV and every day do DV Risk Assessments the ascertain the level of risk to the victim and your post ticks all of the highest scoring questions - you’re pregnant, he’s choked you, he’s isolating you from family. Being killed by a partner is one of the highest causes of death in pregnant women. Being strangled by an intimate partner means you’re 7 times more likely to be a victim of homicide at the hands of that partner. Both of those together is a very very serious thing.
This is an incredibly dangerous situation and I implore you to talk to a DV counsellor and absolutely do not let this man put you in a position where you have less access to support systems and full reliance on him.
I feel like she’s not listening. Something in her gut made her post here but she’s not seeing the danger the rest of us are. Many of us here are older and know family and friends who were subjected to men like OP’s husband. Maybe wanted us to tell her some magic words to make it all ok.
Edit - one spell check weird mistake.
I wouldn't even consider myself middle age yet and I've lost multiple friends to men who thought they deserved to take their lives. It's heartbreaking but there is no magic way to fix this relationship, OP needs to leave and make conscious effort to keep herself and her child safe from her husband.
Well, this is a very hard pill to swallow, especially after so many years together. I hope she has the courage to walk away from this dangerous situation.
This is exactly what happened in a heartbreaking story from my hometown. This woman actually managed to escape her abuser and was staying in a shelter. She found out she was pregnant and made the fatal decision to go and talk to the guy about it alone. We don't know exactly what happened but he snapped and strangled her to death. He and his brother then put her in a suitcase and called a taxi to drop her body off. Given the heat of the moment nature of the crime and their piss poor attempts at hiding the body, they were quickly apprehended. Such a tragic waste.
*“…he thinks we would have a better life [in Belarus], and so would our child.”*
I’d divorce him just for the stupidity of that statement alone.
Belarus better than Sweden? What a dunce.
I don't know where he got that idea. Admittedly, my family and I rejected most of Belarusian side, whereas he didn't. But anyone can see that country is horrific, I wish it wasn't but that is the way it is.
I doubt that’s his reason. You don’t speak the language well, and don’t have friends and family in that country. Isolating the spouse and eliminating his/her social supports is straight out of the abuser’s playbook.
Exactly.
So often you'll hear people judge the victim of domestic violence. Saying things like "why didn't she just leave"
But some people don't realize that physical abuse is **rarely** the sole type of abuse involved.
Often domestic violence includes:
• financial abuse: not allowing the victim to work or have access to money/bank accounts etc
• emotional/mental abuse: telling the victim they're stupid. That no one else could ever love them. That the abuse is their fault etc.
Abusers cut their victims off from friends and family in order to isolate the victim making it not only harder for the victim to get help/get out. But also by being isolated the victim doesn't have that outside perspective to help them realize how bad the situation is, and that the abuser is manipulating them and twisting/warping the victims reality.
This is textbook abuser behaviour
1. Abuse starts out of nowhere and the person was seemingly perfect up to that point. This makes you question yourself and not leave, because he's never done this before.
2. Abuse starts when the other person is in a vulnerable position, like a pregnancy.
3. Tries to isolate victim from friends and family, in your case by insisting you move to a country where you will depend on him.
He's ticking all the boxes. The only future I see for you if you don't divorce is years of abuse and even murder at his hands. I'm from Eastern Europe as well and you know very well he wouldn't face any consequences if he beat you up to death in Belarus.
Make a plan and leave him. There is no alternative. He's always been like that, don't feel bad for not seeing it. These people are skilled manipulators, even the smartest person might fall for their tricks.
Shit, thank you for writing this out. The first point is exactly why I stayed so long with my stbex husband. "He was so perfect and nice, how can I throw this all away just because he made [one / a few / well, a lot, but maybe he'll change back] mistake[s]."
OP, please, whatever you do, don't go to Belarus with him. Not even for couple of days to see family only. Not even for a single day. I'm quite certain that I can guarantee you that you won't be able to go back to Sweden. Also, you'll need a very fucking good lawyer that helps you with making sure your husband can't take your child to Belarus.
If I were you, I'd heavily reconsider if I want to have this child, if that's a possibility. I'm divorcing my husband now, but he's really doing his best on making my life as much like hell as possible. And mostly puts our daughter in the middle of this. That's horrible for a child. And please also consider how he'll treat your child (especially a daughter) if he is telling you that you, as his wife, have no rights and have to do what he wants. I know it's hard to see, but there will be far better husbands and dads with whom you can have a happy family.
Please stay save! People who lay hands on their spouse's throat are 8 times more likely to kill them. Please don't be a part of that statistic. Leave somewhere, woman's shelter, parents, friends, but you need to leave.
People who prefer Belarus to Sweden are most likely those who can do things in Belarus that wouldn't go well in Sweden, such as spousal abuse.
Please contact your parents immediately, the time to act is right now.
Fellow Swede here.
Abortion. Call up, make an appointment and TALK to them! There is always a consultation first anyway, before you book the procedure. They will help you think and decide without pushing either way.
Parental leave? VAB? Really cheap daycare? Free schools including uni? I could go on all day about things that are great about Sweden. Is ANY of that good in Belarus? I doubt it.
You need to leave. He is dangerous. If you have this child in Sweden, he will get 50-50 custody if he wants it. And you will live the rest of your life in fear he will kidnap the kid. Even with just visitation, you will live with this fear.
He sounds like a horrible human being. He thinks that you are stuck with him forever now.
Prove him wrong. Please.
Succint and to the point. PLEASE listen to this advice.
You are in real danger here. Decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life significantly.
What are womens’ rights like in Belarus?
IIRC, DV is pretty much decriminalised in Russia so I won’t be surprised if could be similar in Belarus. In other words, Belarus may indeed be better… *for him* if he wants to abuse you 🤮
What he truly means is that he can control here better there - she will be isolated in a conservative country in which he will have more rights than her. The "better for the child" is such a lousy excuse, but it just shows that he assumes she's stupid. No offense to Belarus but on what freaking planet is growing up there better than is Sweden... That's an insane take.
I don't know. I think because life is easier when you are not there, although obviously the protests had not happened.
I wouldn't be surprised that his parents want him to come back, I don't think they wanted him to leave.
And obviously I know that, there's a reason I haven't been back.
He's acting this way now because he feels like he has you trapped now that you're married and pregnant. What form of birth control were you using? Honestly, he behaviour is very concerning and I would be worried that your relationship is beginning to turn abusive.
You still don't have to. I wouldn't pressure anyone in either direction, no matter the circumstances, but I just wanted to remind you. I'll say it again so you can really internalize it.
**You do not have to have a child at this time.**
He could have put it in the freezer or heated it up. It's not very temperature proof. Or changed your meds for something else, if it's not in the original packaging.
Your husband baby trap you...and now want you to go back to the country.....
Also put hands on you....
Try to kill you in night....
Also bosses around you..that he is the men and can decide anything.....
Just divorced him......he is a walking red flag
If you stay in Sweden, be aware that he might take your kid and return to Belarus and Belarus probably won’t collaborate with Sweden in returning your kid home. At least make sure, that the baby is Swedish citizen.
He has shown you who he is, believe him! Pls seriously consider leaving especially as he’s not even trying to apologize for laying hands on you in anger. He will absolutely do it again and more violent. I’d strongly suggest leaving when he isn’t home and you can get safely to a family member or friend. Go somewhere he won’t think of first, do not meet him alone anywhere. I know it sounds extreme but there’s a lot at stake here. Good luck and good vibes to you!
If you go and the kid is born there it will be way harder to leave and come back. He can't force you to go, find a shelter if you need to, he won't have a chance to take that child back to Belarus without you in a thousand years
I know. I'm not going there while I am still pregnant, my doctors are here, and the health care is nowhere near as good there. And I don't want to risk anything happening because of that.
Don't go at all. He's going to kill you. Do you think it's normal to be choked by a man? Do you seriously think us other women are just dealing with that? We're not. I've NEVER been choked by my partners. That's what men do to kill women. Think about it.
When have you EVER felt like choking someone? When has that ever been your reaction to anger? It's not normal. Hell, hitting isn't normal but I can at least say I've felt like hitting someone before. Choking is sadistic. He is literally getting off on the idea of you slowly dying by his hand. Don't be stupid.
You are speaking as if you have a future with this man. You do not! You are not safe with him. Stop considering him as your husband and start making moves to protect your child at all costs!
OP, a good friend of mine is from Belarus and studied in the U.S. She misses her family but she can NEVER go back or she won’t be able to leave again. She has made it perfectly clear that the government makes it impossible for Belarus citizens to leave after they come back after being gone so long.
If you have your child in Belarus you will not have the same social security like Sweden provides. And you will not be able to take your child to Sweden. You will be isolated. He is abusive. You are not a toddler and can make your own decisions. I can't stress enough DON'T HAVE YOUR CHILD OUTSIDE OF SWEDEN.
OMG is this the plot of "not without my daughter' but with Belarus?
Don't go there. Don't visit the country, don't go on a holiday there and don't let your child go there. Not even if he has a dying relative there. Do. not. go.
"best interest of your child....." yeah, I'm sure living in Sweden, the happiest country in the world, with basically free schooling and healthcare, is not as good for your child as going to live in a dictatorship that's on the brink of war.
You need to get some space immediately. This could escalate very quickly. Marriage, pregnancy and actually having a baby are all triggers for when abuse can become obvious or get worse.
You mentioned the pregnancy was accidental - what kind of contraceptives were you using? Is it possible he tampered with them or coerced you into a "just this once" risk?
I was taking medication. I don't know what happened, but I never forgot once. I wasn't opposed to a child, but I wanted to be more mentally stable first.
Don't go - especially with the situation in the Ukraine at this time. You'd be too close for comfort. We all don't know what Putin's next target is. Please stay where you are, much safer and nicer. Let him go. He waving some massive red flags...
Edit: after reading some of your comments... please pack up and go to your parent's house and make sure, his name will not be on the birth certificate - I'd be deathly afraid of him.
My spider senses are tingling. He springs the "I am looking for a job in Belarus" just after you found out that you're pregnant, and therefore more tied to him?
Let me ask you a question: How certain are you that the pregnancy was an accident?
In my mind, there is no coming back from choking in anger. Plan your exit, and plan your exit fast. Seek help, from your friends, from your family, from a women's support group.
Look, it doesn't really matter. I don't know how much chance he had to interfere with the birth control.
But as others have pointed out, choking seems to be one of the most reliable indicators of later violence, even fatal violence.
That's why I think there's no second chance.
Look, you're still young. Yes, life as a single mother might be a bit harder, but not nearly as hard as life with an abusive husband.
It’s not the hormones. He wants you to think it’s the hormones, he wants you to think that you’re irrational and not thinking straight so that he can get you to do what he wants. He thinks now that you’re married and pregnant with his child that you’re locked in and he can treat you however he wants and do whatever he wants because you’re stuck and can’t leave. He’s wrong, you can leave. You can also decide not to have his baby.
He’s displayed so many red flags in such a short amount of time that it’s easy to think this is just a fluke and everything will go back to normal. It won’t. This is who he really is, he’s finally letting it show because he thinks you can’t do anything about it. You can. Please leave him, and reconsider your pregnancy.
Kan dina föräldrar hjälpa dig? Är du säker på att graviditeten inte var med flit från hans sida för att kunna kontrollera dig? Känn dig inte dum, dom är väldigt bra på att spela teater tills dom tror att du är fast, då tar dom av masken.
Ring till kvinnofridslinjen och prata ut med dom så kan du säkert få stöd och tips 020 – 50 50 50
https://kvinnofridslinjen.se
Om han försöker tvinga dig att lämna landet så göm en metallsked i underkläderna så du blir tagen åt sidan vid säkerhetskontrollen
Ja, jag tänker om jag pratar med dem. Jag vet inte, jag trodde inte det men det kunde vara möjligt.
Tack för det också. Ursäkta om texten inte är korrekt, när jag är trött kan jag göra misstag :)
Jag tycker också du ska ringa kvinnofridslinjen och skaffa inte pass till bebis i första hand.
Du kan också prata med din barnmorska om det som har hänt, de har ofta tillgång till resurser man inte vet om.
Är ni gifta eller sambos?
The leading cause of death in pregnant women is partner violence. This is really worrying behaviour. Can you stay with family so you and the baby are safe?
He obviously does not have the child's best interest at heart (or yours obviously) when he has no problem CHOKING you!! This could easily complicate your pregnancy if he decides to "joke around" (read: potentially kill you AND the unborn child) again.
LEAVE IMMEDIATELY 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 read the following:
many abusers will act nice until they have full control over the situation, aka after marriage and during/after pregnancy and then they'll start full on abusing their partners.
many abusers start choking their partners during sex/play-fighting and afterwards claim the partner overreacted or they didn't mean to. this often happens before it gets even worse.
most abusers choke their partners before murdering them.
you and your child are in IMMEDIATE danger. leave to your parents or friends if you can, asap. get the police involved (better when you've left already). please stay safe!
“He got too far aggressive, and his hands ended up on my throat.“
His hands didn’t end up there. He put them there!!! Do not downplay this.
DIVORCE HIM!!!!
Don’t wait. Women are most at risk from violence from their partners when they are pregnant. And when they put their hands on your throat, the first time, that is a major red flag that he is going to get more aggressive and more likely to harm you or kill you. No, I’m not being dramatic. These are facts.
Please start your plan now to escape
Abuse often starts during pregnancy because the husband feels fully in control and in possession of his wife.
When someone chokes you, it never gets better. This is just the first instance. It *will* happen again. And again. And again. And it will get worse each time. And one day it might be your child underneath his hands.
Men change when women get pregnant. He has shown you who he is, believe him. Why would you move to a country that is adjacent to a country actively engaging in war and threatening to expand said war and go nuclear??
Jag skulle råda dig att ringa kvinnojouren om du kan, om du känner att du inte vill prata i telefon så kan du även chatta med Unizon. Båda är helt gratis. Det är folk som jobbar med bland annat våld i äktenskap, det är det din man utsatt dig för.
Jag är lärare och jobbar i skolan här i Sverige och vi har haft elever som vuxit upp i familjer där ena föräldern är våldsam. Ofta börjar det med våld mot andra föräldern men det är inte ovanligt att våldet eskalerar till även barnen. Har din man redan tagit stryptag på dig och säger att han ska bestämma allt om era liv så är jag orolig för dig och din säkerhet. Sannolikheten att han skadar dig allvarligt ökar enormt efter att han tagit stryptag (jag tror det är 400% eller liknande).
Jag tror du behöver prata med någon som är insatt i våld i nära relation men också ha stöd av dina anhöriga. Har du bra relation till föräldrar och/eller syskon tycker jag du ska berätta detta för dom och kanske be om att få bo där tillsvidare.
Har din man betett sig så/haft såna åsikter tidigare eller kommer det helt från ingenstans? Har han historia i familjen av psykisk sjukdom? Är det från ingenstans kanske han har en psykos? Menar inte att det är en ursäkt, men det kan vara en förklaring. För det han säger och gör är verkligen allvarligt och jag tycker inte att du överdriver alls i att du är orolig och funderar på att lämna honom. Har du en koll på BVC snart så skulle jag faktiskt också ta upp detta med dom, att du är orolig för barnet och dig. Såklart inte med din man i rummet. Han har ingen rätt att bestämma över dig och barnet. Skulle du bestämma dig för att skilja dig måste informationen om att han vill ta barnet utomlands skrivas ner för risken finns att han kan kidnappa barnet då. Du borde få full vårdnad.
Act quickly and discretely to get to a safe place. Don’t spend any more time alone with him. Get family and friends to be around you and your unborn child.
Once he gets you out of the safe environment, he will try to have full control over you and the baby...
You should never leave Sweden with him, remember that in Russia and Belarus domestic abuse is treated as something normal
There are organisations in Sweden that can help you to leave your husband safely. Please make sure you put your documents (passport and birth certificate and any qualifications) somewhere very safe. Preferably with your family.
You need to run.
He wants you isolated.
He is escalating already. His hands around your neck ? Nooo.
He wants to control you and isolate you that's a dangerous combo.
Hands don't just "end up" on your throat. He put them there deliberately.
Its not your hormones, it's not your emotions, it's your sense of self preservation.
You don't need to stay married to a man who tried to choke you during sex.
As a person who is currently living in Russia I can say one thing - the decision to move to Belarus now is as idiotic as possible. Family violence cannot be forgiven, you should file a police report against him. And of course, he has no right to control your life.
P.S. Regardless of the terrible events that happened to you, I hope you will remember your roots and learn Belarusian and teach your children this language (because it is on the verge of extinction).
This is not as easy as everyone seems to think.
Sweden is much more “civilized”, but it has one of the worst custody laws in the world for abused women. Even if he attacks you, the courts are likely to grant him 50% custody if he as much as asks for it.
He might not know it though, so don’t inform him.
You can still get abortion. It’s of course your own choice, but Sweden allows it up to I think week 16 or 18.
Getting full custody in Belarus would be far easier. But there you have the unfamiliarity and it’s no longer your “home” country.
Generally (I am familiar with both countries), I would recommend to stay where your home is (Sweden) I am so sorry to say this - but you need to get away from him. You can also go and file a report with police (it is not too late!). They will do risk assessment and you will score extremely high.
It will get harder once you are further along the pregnancy. You will have more dependence on him. The abuse will increase.
If you are not ready to go to police - tell all of this to a friend. Write a diary (electronic is fine, send an email to yourself) that documents every abuse that happened. Take photos and go to specialized hospital to get doctor’s sign off on your injuries. If you can safely do that - put a phone recorded on when he is around and you are having a discussion.
Trust me - this will all come in very handy.
Who in their right mind would want to raise a child in Belarus right now compared to Sweden? Thats just insane. Don’t go, and divorce this man, he’s shown his true colours and if you did go, you would be isolated away from family, and then God only knows how he will treat you!
Abusers often start right after the pregnancy does. They feel they have the partner "locked down" and they can finally start being themselves. This part:
>he got far too aggressive and his hands ended up on my throat...
You're in danger. This man will kill you. I am not joking. Take this seriously. Tell your family what this man did and tell them what happens to many women next. The stats are clear: once the choking starts the murder is soon to follow.
>he got far too aggressive and his hands ended up on my throat.
>he then started for some reason complaining about how dramatic I was being about this whole pregnancy
He had his hands on your throat and somehow, it's your fault for being dramatic.
Him putting his hands on your throat is dramatic and extremely disturbing.
How long have you known you're pregnant? Maybe, a few weeks as you're only 8 weeks right now.
He's escalating fast. Lookup DARVO.
He's trying to blame you for his violence against you. You need to leave him yesterday. He will only get worse.
His mask has now come off, you are now seeing the real him. This is common after marriage or pregnancy because they think they have you trapped.
He will only become more violent the longer you stay with him. You need to leave immediately for the safety of both yourself and the child you are growing inside you.
OP, please note your passive voice, here: "...his hands ended up on my throat." Please pay careful attention to the language you used here, as it makes excuses for him, implies that his hands did this independently, of their own volition, with no involvement from his conscious mind.
You see where I'm going with this, right?
He made a calculated, deliberate CHOICE to choke you, because he hopes to scare you into blindly obeying him in all things. It's also HIGHLY likely he will kill you if he doesn't get his way.
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Wow. Leave. Choking is the most common form of spousal murder. He’s probably always felt this way about his and your roles in the marriage but it’s just never come to light until you “disobeyed” him. You’re in a very vulnerable place right now and you need to be very careful planning your exit strategy. Talk to your family. Stay safe.
Yes- also choking is a sign that abusive behaviour is escalating. Pregnancy is often a trigger for controlling and abusive behaviour.
Pregnancy and marriage both make the abuser feel like their victim is locked down and they can be more overt.
Definitely
Not only is it a sign that the abuse is escalating, where strangulation is present in abusive relationships, studies show the odds that the victim of abuse will be murdered by their partner increase by *750%.* It is the single greatest predictor that the relationship will end in homicide. And not just overall, in general. You’re 750% more likely to be murdered *within the next year.* OOP, please get away from this person as soon as you can safely do so. I know you said he didn’t hurt you (this time), but his hands didn’t just “end up” on your throat. Certainly not when he was already displaying controlling behavior and escalating anger toward you.
I'm starting to think he must have, but my mind is a mess. He never did anything before this that showed he thought like this, at all. I never would have thought that. I'll talk to my parents. I just want to think but I don't think I have the time to. If he had his way we'd be moving within the week.
Don't go to Belarus, under any circumstances, even if he tells you that it's just for a visit. He may not allow you to leave the country and you are very well aware that the political system there probably wouldn't favor you. Being a dual citizen probably wouldn't help, either; there are many examples for Russia claiming dual citizens as their own against their will, and I can't imagine that would go any better in Belarus. You are confused because your husband made you believe you were seeing eye to eye in your life goals. Now that you're married and pregnant, he thinks you can't escape him any more and is showing his real self. Pack a bag and go back to your parents, or, if they aren't supportive, to a friend or even a hotel. That will help you to clear your head. And I'm sorry, but you'll really need to get a divorce. Edit: typo
This. Do not travel with him. Share your location on your phone with your parents if possible. You never know. Do not ever let him alone with the baby when it's there. He will take your child and you will never see it again. The choking is the first sign that he will hurt you.
I hate to say it, but it’s not too late for an abortion. It is probably best to not have any continued connection with this abuser if it can be helped. She is still early on
Even if she was willing to deal with him forever as a co-parent, she'd be bringing a child into the world to be parented by a man with a shocking, hidden abusive streak and likely at risk of international kidnapping. Even in the Scandi Utopias, I know systems fail women and mothers. She's only 13 weeks, abortion is available in Sweden to 18.
I hate to say it, but I agree.
I don't hate to say it at all. What a nightmare to be tethered to this guy for the rest of her life.
I know it seems like a momentous decision, but the advice you’re getting here is spot on. Nothing else matters right now and except safety for you and your baby. When a man behaves like this, it’s never a one time thing. Please leave
OP needs to make sure she has all her important documents locked up in a safe place. And money of her own in a separate account. Definitely never go anywhere with this POS! I wonder if she can get the marriage annulled?
Yes! Bring all important documents to her parents house and keep it locked up there, put all her money into a private account, preferably at another bank
A marriage annulment is very difficult to get in Sweden, requiring some specific circumstances. I don’t think those are present here but I’m not a lawyer. Divorce or death are the standard ways of ending a marriage.
I'd go further than that, I would denounce the Belarus citizenship.
Oh also OP should make sure her passport and any other vital documents are with her parents. Just to be on the safe side. I don't know what, if anything he could do with these items, but I'd be afraid of even the possibility he could do something nefarious with them. **Edited to add** Also OP should make sure she keeps the babies vital documents and passport if they get one for the baby away from her husband. I'm hoping/assuming he wouldn't be able to get the baby a passport without OP being their or her express consent/extra paperwork. I believe that is how it works in the US (it's been a few years since we got our son one so I'm fuzzy on the details) But at least if OP has the baby's birth certificate and other vital documents then that's one additional barrier for the husband to overcome if he wanted to get a passport without OP's knowledge.
Honestly, I don’t know if this is legal in Sweden but I would consider terminating the pregnancy if I were OP. I just have this feeling that if her husband can’t make her go to Belarus then he’s going to kidnap their child and take them there by himself. Then OP will have to decide whether she abandons her child with her abusive husband in another country or move to Belarus to be with her child (and thus, under her abusive husband’s thumb). **This baby will absolutely be a pawn to control her.**
The Swedish Abortion Act of 1975 gives all women today the right to an abortion up to 18th weeks of pregnancy.
I am sad, but I agree. This isn’t a good situation for a child, and quite honestly being tied to him her whole life will be a nightmare. She could never rest easy. This guy is NOT what he seemed to be, and he will ramp up the abuse. It always happens. These types of men shouldn’t have children. They just want pawns to control the mothers. It’s sick. I am a new mom, and I can’t even imagine how bad I’d feel if I knowingly brought my child into that messed up environment. The stress, the strife, the fear, and all of that is something I’d prefer to not knowingly sign my child up for.
Yes, and I wonder if this accidental pregnancy was actually planned by her husband. He thinks she’s trapped with him now and that it’s safe to show her how she can expect to be treated in the future.
No way was this an accidental pregnancy. If I was OP I would check to see if my birth control was tampered with. I assume it was.
Divorce also sets boundaries for where he can take the baby. If you stay married, he can get you to go to Belarus by simply flying with the child there for a visit and not returning. You will fly there and you will be controlled by this man the rest of your life and you will allow him to have complete control over your child and you will be abused (it's already started and it'll get worse, and he won't just abuse you). With a divorce, the court can state that neither of you can take the baby out of the country without mutual consent. Sorry it's happening but glad you got to see it before you couldn't do anything about it. You see that he doesn't see you as an equal. You see that if you don't divorce him before the birth, you will be moving. You see what type of father he will be (if he abuses you, he will abuse the child).
Even more importantly, the country of Belarus would not allow her to leave. This is about way more than the husband at this point. Also, the New York Times reported today that satellite images suggest Russia is building a facility for nuclear storage in Belarus. OP trust every one of your instincts on this. Talk to your family ASAP and come up with a plan to keep you safe. Your husband is not safe anymore.
It is very common for abuse to start in pregnancy. If he tries to force you to the airport, be VOCAL with every single person you can YOU DO NOT AGREE TO BE HERE AND ARE BEING HELD AGAINST YOUR WILL. Do NOT go quietly. Tell every singe airport employee you can that you need help. Ask someone to call the police. Give your passports to your parents for safe keeping. Get important documents (birth certificate, marriage license, identificafion numbers, etc) out of the house. Tell your midwives/gp/obgyn what happened and ask for a referral to counseling. Tell your hospital you do not want him in the labor and delivery ward. Do not tell him when you go into labor. I am so sorry. He believes you are trapped and is showing his true colors. **You are NOT trapped. You and your baby will be safe if you act NOW and take this seriously**. Sweden is an *amazing* country for social support. Tell your parents. This will *suck*. It is not the life you wanted. Get safe. Mourn the life you thought you would have. You can do this.
All of this! Plus, don’t believe him when he suddenly becomes “the sweet man you married”. He has shown you the first pieces of who is really is. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE. Maybe to get away from him: don’t tell him you’re against his idea. “Lose” your passport, get your doctor to say travel is unsafe…whatever it takes so you cannot leave Sweden with him, but he needs to know you are wanting to move with him. Hopefully you could convince him to go to Belarus ahead of you. Then he will be farther away as you plan your true escape from him.
Yes, this is great advice OP!
People start showing their abusive nature when their partner is locked in. Married or pregnant. Most women are abused during pregnancy because they can't leave. Also remember that his country is not known for equal rights for women. Please stay in Sweden. You are very lucky to have a country that is among the best in the world for supporting women and children.
This is very true. And, I believe homicide is the number one way pregnant women die. At least in the US. And, it’s almost always their spouse/partner.
Also. Even though it would still be very hard, it will be easier to leave when pregnant than post partum when you’re sleep deprived and also physically recovering.
Please please please talk to your parents ASAP and get out. The choking is seriously concerning as southcostal said it literally increases the chance of spousal murder by *edited to accurate statistic 750%. If you leave the country I have no doubt that your passport will mysteriously disappear or he’ll openly take it because he thinks he gets to dictate your life. I get that you want to think it over because you’re confused and potentially feel embarrassed that he tricked you like this. Unfortunately, time is of the essence. There’s also nothing to be ashamed of. It’s beyond challenging to leave an abusive relationship, which is what yours has turned into. Most survivors go back 7 times. It’s also really rare someone leaves after the first incident because they think it’ll get better. His first incident was choking you. It won’t get better you and your child deserve better. ETA: with [fact checking](https://wingsprogram.com/domestic-violence-and-strangulation4-facts-and-4-myths/) the percentage that he kills you goes up 750% which is beyond terrifying
It’s actually 800%
Pregnancy is when abusers think they locked you down and cant go anywhere, its not odd he is escalating now Divorce no matter what, you are not safe with him
1000% this - he thinks he has you trapped now and can control you. Go to your friends and family and expose his ABUSE and start the divorce process along with restraining order. Him choking you is the nr 1 predictor of murder.
My ex also waited till riiiiight after I was past the acceptable abortion period to go full psycho. Almost ended my life with the way he treated me during pregnancy. Your husband is trying to isolate you so you can’t escape him. He thinks he has you locked down. Divorce him immediately. The number one cause of death in pregnant women is murder. And I’m pretty sure it’s a worldwide statistic. Please listen to all of the strangers here warning you. Run.
Same with my ex husband. Until we married and I was pregnant he was a sweetheart. As soon as I was in that vulnerable position, the switch flipped and the horrible person that he had apparently always apparently been hiding came fully out. It was terrifying.
Please call Kvinnofridslinjen on 020-50 50 50. The call is free of charge and you are anonymous when you call. Tell them what has happened and do not go with him to Belarus. Snälla ring dem och stanna i Sverige. https://kvinnofridslinjen.se/
My abusive ex was also sweet and nice until he wasn't. If he had been like that since day one, I wouldn't have dated him. Of course your husband has never did anything before like this or you wouldn't have married him.
Op, sometimes, men lie until they feel they have someone so entangled they can’t leave.as my ex-husband said “ of course I lied, you would have left me if you knew the truth”
I didn't know why but that sentence is such a punch in the gut
This is who he is, the mask fell off. I know you're not in the US, but here the leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide. Women in America are more likely to be murdered than die of any pregnancy related medical issue. Pregnancy commonly brings out the abusive behavior, because abusive men think you are trapped. Prove him wrong and divorce him, because he thinks he has the right to choke you when he doesn't get his way.
This sort of stuff often happens after a child is in the picture as the abusive partner feels like they have you 'trapped'. Be very careful. Get your things in order quietly and then move to your parents with your important documents.
Well I think you SHOULD move within the week, within the next 24 hours actually! Move in with your parents, I mean. Seriously. Tell them EVERYTHING. Tell them he grabbed you by the neck, tell them you are afraid. You deserve to be safe. If you can, go stay with your parents. Please. The leading cause of death for a pregnant woman is murder.....
Before, he hadn't managed to chain you to him by marriage and offspring. Now he thinks he's got you in his power. Make sure he doesn't manage to solidify that power by taking you away from your support and isolating you in another country.
It's extremely common for abuse to surface after marriage and especially pregnancy! Homocide is the leading cause of death in pregnant and postpartum women. And choking is one of the biggest predictor of homocide. If your partner has choked or strangled you, you are 10 times more likely to be killed by them. You have to get out to safety, this man might actually murder you.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
OP TAKE THIS ADVICE **PLEASE!!!** This pdf is literally the most valuable item you could be offered right now. READ IT. THIS BOOK CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE. It was what got me to realize my ex was abusive (it’s never as clear as you’d think it would be when you’re in the thick of it.) Trauma very much messes up your memory abilities & thought processes. The author was a counselor for men who had been forced, via court order, to take anger management classes for domestic violence charges/convictions. He realized they fell into quite well-defined archetypes, and write the book to help the victims be able to see their abusive partners for what they are. The beauty is that they behave so similarly to one another, that it makes their future behaviour predictable. It’s such an incredibly valuable piece of writing and it’s free online for all to read. **NOTE- do NOT LET HIM SEE YOU READING IT!!!** many men have knowledge of this publication and are not at all happy to find their partner has figured out what they’re doing. My ex flipped out when he saw it on my phone. Please be extremely cautious.
Do not go with him. He’s already started being abusive and if he manages to make you move countries and isolate you it’s going to be so much harder to leave. Get your important documents and go stay with your parents. Tell them what happened and report it. Your married and now pregnant those are usually the two things that preceded a significant increase in abuse
Abusers are well known for hiding their abusive nature until they marry their prey or impregnate them. And that's what you are to him, prey. Never doubt for one second that this man has complete control over the violence he commits against you. It's also important to know that you are currently at an extremely high risk of being killed. Murder is one of the most common causes of death for pregnant women. You need to tell your family the truth and you need help disappearing. Once he isolates you from your family and friends, you're pretty much fucked.
Abuse often ramps up in marriages and relationships after a woman falls pregnant. They view it as "trapping" you. I'm assuming with how far along you are that you've told people. He probably feels very secure in the fact this baby will be born and will tie you to him forever. Please call whatever abuse and domestic violence helplines that exist in Sweden and ask for help. Tell your family what he plans to do. I have a feeling he will be trying to force you across borders soon enough. Leave to your parents. Immediately. Take only what is necessary like documents and some clothes. A pet if you have them. Hide your passports by giving them to family and tell them under no circumstances are they to ever to give it to him. If he tries to take you to an airport, smuggle a spoon into your underwear and be "caught" by officials. When they pull you aside, tell them what is happening. Be loud. Be difficult. This man does not respect you. He is trying to own you.
Op,my stepfather love bombed my mother for a year in my home country,married her,got her pregnant 10 months later,moved us to his home country where we didnt speak the laungueg and 1 week before my sibling was born we discovered he was covert drunken narcissist that enjoyed emotionally and mentally abusing her and just LOVED to emotionally,mentally and PYHSICLLY abuse his step daughter(me)! And thus we were trapped!
Do not go to Belarus!!! Abusers will take their victims away from supporting families and friends. They isolate them. My God, he doesn’t just want you to leave your home, he wants you to leave your country! He can’t force you to leave your country.
I think it’s very telling that this came to light not just after you were married, or after you got pregnant, but after you hit the 13 week mark. Meaning second trimester, meaning no easy task to get an abortion. He really made a conscious effort to wait until you were well and truly trapped. I’m very sorry, this is awful.
It’s Sweden. Abortion is up to the pregnant women until week 18. After that you need special dispensation from the board of social health and welfare. In 2021 they got 553 requests for later term abortions and approved 516 of them. Second trimester is not a cutoff for abortion in Sweden.
Am I the only person who thinks she should tell him that she had a "miscarriage"? Otherwise, she'll be chained to this monster for years, sharing custody. That's IF she gets away safely. And it was a "surprise" pregnancy - did he tamper with her birth control?
You’re not the only one. Obviously, all of us have our viewpoints on this subject that are highly subjective and very personal. For me? I think it’s particularly cruel to bring a child into this abusive mess. I couldn’t do that to my child. I love my baby so much, and I’d never knowingly set them up for a life of abuse, and witnessing abuse. I also think men like this don’t deserve children. People also don’t realize how hard it is to have a child. It’s HARD. Even in the best of circumstances it’s hard, and will take every ounce of energy from you. It’s going to be ridiculously tough to leave after she has the baby. Especially if she has any complications. I wouldn’t even do it. She’s young and can have another child with a loving partner who is worthy of such a special gift.
Please don't leave op, you will be trapped and without your support network. I really think he is doing this to get a firmer grip on you so that he can control you compleatly.
Just run to your parents and leave everything behind. There’ll be no you if you end up moving with that man
Sometimes abusive partners true colors do not come out until they feel they have trapped us. It seems that getting married and pregnant has final made him feel he has control of you. But he will feel ultimate control when he takes you away from friends and family. Trust your gut and protect yourself and your baby from this abuse. It’s a good thing your child is not born yet because he might be the type to take your child to belarus in order to get you there. Please get away from him and get a protection order for you and your child.
just because he’s never done it before doesnt mean he wont do it again. this is just the start. most abuse starts happening during pregnancy
Not to mention that murder is the #1 killer of pregnant women..
> He yelled at me and said that he was my husband, and that it's not up to me to decide how our life will be Easiest "divorce" of my life and I comment here a lot lol
And don't forget to ad the assault that he did when he wrapped his hands around her throat. That sort of behaviour always escalates. I hope OP takes her safety seriously & gets out of this relationship. It's just not safe for her or her baby.
And he wants to move to a region that is at war. I mean here is the travel advisory “Do not travel to Belarus due to the Belarusian authorities' continued facilitation of Russia's war against Ukraine, the buildup of Russian military forces in Belarus, the arbitrary enforcement of local laws, the potential of civil unrest, the risk of detention”
He wants to move to a region where women have no real protection from abuse either
And where her language skills are weaker… this guy is nuts.
He’s not nuts. He knows what he’s doing
Oh I know it. He’s still nuts. He’s just a malignant type of nuts… He’s unhinged!
Welcome to Eastern Europe, BLYAT...!!! The home of domestic violence...
For goodness sake don't move to Belarus and *then* "do everything you can to move back". Just stay in Sweden. Once you move he'll be wanting custody and will prevent you from moving. If he wants to move to Belarus, then he's welcome to go.
I totally agree with that notion. OP needs to pack a bag quickly and go to her family ASAP and file for divorce. His negative behavior is escalating. So many partners let their true colors fly after a pregnancy happens (starting to think this pregnancy isn’t so accidental).
I'm always flabbergasted how long some abusers can hide who they are from their partners. Wasting years of someone's life to trap them is so devastating..
I had a friend that ended up in an abusive marriage after marrying them. When I was telling another friend about some of their behavior because I had to cancel plans to help them move out, the friend responded with “there’s no way that they just changed their behavior like that - there had to be signs.” There wasn’t. It was literally like a switch was flipped. The marriage didn’t last long at all.
Yes - get a divorce. Moving back to one of the world’s worst countries is not an option.
See people always comment how Reddit advices everyone to divorce, and yeah no shit when half the posts are like this
People say Reddit tells everyone to divorce but in reality people come to Reddit with these problems because they feel like they can't speak to people in real life about it because people in real life would tell them to divorce haha
Also people who tend to seek advice online are going to be in more weird or serious situations that probably should at least lead to a separation.
True, I would also add a police report for the chocking during intercourse and attempted coercive control. Even though OP doesn’t name it, from their description is an easy conclusion to make. IMO!
And and the abuse and gaslighting. What in the hell? He just blew up their life out of nowhere.
Leave. And I mean this, immediately. Whatever you do do NOT leave Sweden where you have a good support system, human rights and an easier opportunity to divorce. If he tries to force you hide a metal object in your clothes so they pull you aside at security. We will help you. I am swedish too and if you need any help with finding support organizations, women’s shelter, anything like that you can DM me. If you divorce and he would start threatening you or anything like that you can report him to the police to get a Kontaktförbud, also you can get skyddat ID via Skatteverket.
As another Swede I agree: you have numerous safety measures around you to help get away. Please use any of these resources as there is unfortunately overwhelming statistics which puts you on high risk of being murdered: - abusive men will change their behaviors once they feel the women is “stuck”, for example when you’re pregnant with the first kid - trying to choke you is THE NUMBER ONE predictor for partner homicide!
Definitely 💯 this! Put yourself in a safe location! Get an order of protection from him. Don’t tell him where you are. If he is a danger can he be stripped of Swedish citizenship and sent back to Belarus. Also put on the no fly list to Sweden. This guy seems like he may get further violent and in the USA even with protective orders and relocation, the husband’s still find a way to murder them.
Because it doesn't take much with protection.Orders to find out the address of the person with the protection order which is why some people in abusive relationships refuse to even seek those orders and just choose to flee without any kind of a paper trail. All it takes is one dumb court, clerk.Or one young court clerk or whatever to slip just a little bit of the wrong information. Or if they have a friend who's a cop.Or have a friend who even works in any kind of government office.It's really disturbing.How much information is public even when there are protection orders and even sealed records. Then add the other issues mentioned and then different jurisdictions and their issues communicating in the USA. I am just saying this so people understand why sometimes people just flee and don't go through the courts in the USA also each state is so different on these laws more so by the type of judges in each area rather than necessarily laws (which also vary). And in more rual areas the worse it can be also the more religious the worse it can be
Also in Sweden (Stockholm)! OP, if there’s anything we can help you with, tell us! If your husband chokes you, it’s over 700% more likely that they will kill you within a year. The top cause of death of pregnant women is their partners murdering them. I’m very worried for you. You NEED to leave him and report him to the police. Without proof they may not be able to do much, but if you have pictures of your bruises or if he’s admitted to it via text they can do something. And if there’s no proof, at least you’ll create a paper trail which will help in the future.
You said everything I wanted too, so I’ll just upvote and give you this: 🍪
Fika!!! Thank you:)
100% correct. OP ASAP (like today) please go and have your neck and throat area checked over by a medical professional at your nearest hospital who understands the risk of non fatal strangulation. Even if you have no pain, no obvious signs of injury, the amount of pressure to cause damage to the delicate vessels in your neck is equivalent to the amount of force required to open a can soda/pop/soft drink.
OP can also talk to her midwife!! Not sure if it’s mandatory everywhere but my midwife told me I had to go to at least one appointment with her by myself. In that appointment she asked me if anyone around me was being abusive, if I felt safe at home etc. They can offer resources if you need help. (I’m in Sweden too)
Same where I live (Blekinge). And they genuinely want to help you work out what YOU want. No hidden agendas.
In France, I've been ask about domestic violence or violence of any kind by the hospital midwife when I registered there. I was surprised to be asked these questions and I found them very appropriate for anyone who would need to open up before bringing a child to this crazy world.
I'm in the US and was asked that at every appointment my husband didn't go to. SO important.
When ever I took my wife to the hospital ( she has krohns ). I would always make a point to get up and leave while she was being admitted. Just so they can ask those important questions!!
In the US as well, and they asked me the same at my IVF appointments. Kind of nice that they were trying to make sure I was safe before a pregnancy even started. And made sure nobody was forcing me to get pregnant against my will.
Canadian and every doctors appointment where my husband wasn’t present, they asked me if me and my children were safe, if I felt comfortable staying, if I had anything to disclose confidentially.
Same in the US. Standard question in every appointment
Oh yeah, i know this is a bit different cause I am a guy so wouldnt see a womens doctor alone, but have been asked that question quite a few times with my doctor in the US. Basically do I feel safe at home. Plus I remember when my ex was pregnant, I would go to all the appointments and they’d typically take her in alone and come get me after.
OP even if it is not mandatory, leave your phone at home while your husband is at work, and ask a neighbout to use their phone. Then call the midwife, and let them know that you need an appointment alone with them, where your phone is not in the room. Just incase hubby has some sort of spyware that makes it so he can listen in, or see what calls are made, etc. This may seem extreme, but he put his hands on you, while you are pregnant, because he feels like he has you fully trapped now. When their partner is married and pregnant many abusers feel safe showing their true selves. The reason to leave your phone in a different room/at home is I had a friend who's partner had that sort of spyware on her phone. We did not know until he showed up at a mutual friend's house and started to threaten everyone there for "helping her leave him". She never called a shelter from her phone, never emailed them, never searched for them, or had us text them to her. Literally the only way he could know was if he was listening in while we were talking, not even on the phone, sitting next to each other talking. Better to assume he has this on your devices so you can stay safe, rather than find out at home, alone, that he has this installed on a device.
And nothing against Belarus, but there is absolutely no way that country takes better care of pregnant women, children, and domestic abuse victims than Sweden does. The legal/medical/social welfare system is just not on the same level. I also wonder if he waited until he was 27 to push to go back because Belarus only drafts (12-18 months of military service) up to age 27.
Belarus is a dictatorship under the heel of Putin. There is no world where it would be better to raise a child there than Sweden.
Russia recently made domestic abuse LEGAL. Do NOT go to Belarus!
Really I should have said "nothing against *the people* of Belarus"...I'm Ukrainian Canadian and agree with you 100%. Their dictator is a boot licker and doing nothing to advance quality of life
Tagging onto this comment, I can not emphasise enough, if the abusive behaviour has escalated recently (last two months), you have been choked during an assault and your partner acts in a way that is controlling of you or you and another family member, the behaviour will get worse. You are statistically at significant risk of being seriously hurt or killed. I usually roll my eyes at reddit relationship comments saying "immediately divorce", however, if what you're saying is true, you are at a genuine significant risk. I'd also advise you look up the cycle of family violence, as he's likely to be overly nice to you to seek your forgiveness in the coming days.
Trying to boost this comment. When I heard his hands were on her throat, I got very scared for OP. Pregnancy often brings out latent aggression or dominance in awful men. They think you are trapped with their baby and start to exert more harmful control over you and your body. Please go stay with your mom or someone you can trust. It's not safe in your home anymore. He will escalate as he sees himself losing control over you and his child.
This This This!!!! Many times I've heard of men's personalities switching (or more likely, true colours showing) after a big change in the relationship - like getting married, and/or getting pregnant. DO NOT GO BACK TO BELARUS WITH HIM! Of all the times to try to take you away from your family without even asking you about it first.... You're especially vulnerable now. Isolating you away from family and your familiar home... Nuh-uh, don't do it. Please don't.
Go to your parents’ place. Don’t tell him. Just leave one day. Send someone for your stuff. He may get aggressive and even kill you if he catches you. Run. Tell everyone you fear for your safety, go to your parents. Divorce. Don’t leave Sweden.
Absolutely this. OP - he DID hurt you AND the baby. Putting his hands on you with violence and disregard surely caused you immense stress which is harmful. You don’t need a bruise to be hurt. He’s revealed his truth. I’m sorry he hid it so long and is showing it now that you’re pregnant and he wants to enforce his “authority as a MAN” on you. Horrible. Stay safe.
Yeah…I’m American and if I had the option I think I’d prefer Sweden over nearly anywhere else on earth. The statement that he thinks they’ll have a better life in Belarus should have her considering an abortion: this man is either crazy, stupid, or both…and it’s not worth the risk of passing on his genes.
He’s sexist first and foremost. Wants to move them somewhere where he can force all child rearing onto her, make her subservient, and be supported to do that by the culture.
It really reminds me of this book I read when I was a teenager called Not Without My Daughter, where a woman's husband moves her and their daughter back to his home country (Iran) and forces them to stay there. Even though she has the opportunity to leave several times, she refuses to because she would have to leave alone. He uses their child to control her the entire time, and I'm worried this is what will happen to OP if she agrees to go.
Yea I saw this movie. Belarus has been hostile to women’s rights activists in recent years. It is dangerous to even go on a trip there. This could happen. Also it’s dangerous to spend any more time with abusive husband in general.
Same. American born and Sweden/Canada are the only places I'd wanna live that aren't tropical paradises. Scotland sounds reasonable but I've never been.
Och gömma sitt pass någonstans tryggt, så att han inte får för sig något.
Yes. He put his hands on your throat. Leave immediately. That is one of the biggest precursors to being unalived by your partner. Get out as soon as possible.
So I work in DV and every day do DV Risk Assessments the ascertain the level of risk to the victim and your post ticks all of the highest scoring questions - you’re pregnant, he’s choked you, he’s isolating you from family. Being killed by a partner is one of the highest causes of death in pregnant women. Being strangled by an intimate partner means you’re 7 times more likely to be a victim of homicide at the hands of that partner. Both of those together is a very very serious thing. This is an incredibly dangerous situation and I implore you to talk to a DV counsellor and absolutely do not let this man put you in a position where you have less access to support systems and full reliance on him.
I wish OP would listen to this
I feel like she’s not listening. Something in her gut made her post here but she’s not seeing the danger the rest of us are. Many of us here are older and know family and friends who were subjected to men like OP’s husband. Maybe wanted us to tell her some magic words to make it all ok. Edit - one spell check weird mistake.
I wouldn't even consider myself middle age yet and I've lost multiple friends to men who thought they deserved to take their lives. It's heartbreaking but there is no magic way to fix this relationship, OP needs to leave and make conscious effort to keep herself and her child safe from her husband.
Well, this is a very hard pill to swallow, especially after so many years together. I hope she has the courage to walk away from this dangerous situation.
This is exactly what happened in a heartbreaking story from my hometown. This woman actually managed to escape her abuser and was staying in a shelter. She found out she was pregnant and made the fatal decision to go and talk to the guy about it alone. We don't know exactly what happened but he snapped and strangled her to death. He and his brother then put her in a suitcase and called a taxi to drop her body off. Given the heat of the moment nature of the crime and their piss poor attempts at hiding the body, they were quickly apprehended. Such a tragic waste.
*“…he thinks we would have a better life [in Belarus], and so would our child.”* I’d divorce him just for the stupidity of that statement alone. Belarus better than Sweden? What a dunce.
I don't know where he got that idea. Admittedly, my family and I rejected most of Belarusian side, whereas he didn't. But anyone can see that country is horrific, I wish it wasn't but that is the way it is.
I doubt that’s his reason. You don’t speak the language well, and don’t have friends and family in that country. Isolating the spouse and eliminating his/her social supports is straight out of the abuser’s playbook.
Exactly. So often you'll hear people judge the victim of domestic violence. Saying things like "why didn't she just leave" But some people don't realize that physical abuse is **rarely** the sole type of abuse involved. Often domestic violence includes: • financial abuse: not allowing the victim to work or have access to money/bank accounts etc • emotional/mental abuse: telling the victim they're stupid. That no one else could ever love them. That the abuse is their fault etc. Abusers cut their victims off from friends and family in order to isolate the victim making it not only harder for the victim to get help/get out. But also by being isolated the victim doesn't have that outside perspective to help them realize how bad the situation is, and that the abuser is manipulating them and twisting/warping the victims reality.
I do have family, but they're either very old or distant. My parents had very few siblings, so I don't have much direct family.
Yeah, that's the point.
So the statement stands. Honey, you don’t even speak the language. He wants you trapped. Think about it. Clear head please. He wants you isolated.
This is textbook abuser behaviour 1. Abuse starts out of nowhere and the person was seemingly perfect up to that point. This makes you question yourself and not leave, because he's never done this before. 2. Abuse starts when the other person is in a vulnerable position, like a pregnancy. 3. Tries to isolate victim from friends and family, in your case by insisting you move to a country where you will depend on him. He's ticking all the boxes. The only future I see for you if you don't divorce is years of abuse and even murder at his hands. I'm from Eastern Europe as well and you know very well he wouldn't face any consequences if he beat you up to death in Belarus. Make a plan and leave him. There is no alternative. He's always been like that, don't feel bad for not seeing it. These people are skilled manipulators, even the smartest person might fall for their tricks.
Shit, thank you for writing this out. The first point is exactly why I stayed so long with my stbex husband. "He was so perfect and nice, how can I throw this all away just because he made [one / a few / well, a lot, but maybe he'll change back] mistake[s]." OP, please, whatever you do, don't go to Belarus with him. Not even for couple of days to see family only. Not even for a single day. I'm quite certain that I can guarantee you that you won't be able to go back to Sweden. Also, you'll need a very fucking good lawyer that helps you with making sure your husband can't take your child to Belarus. If I were you, I'd heavily reconsider if I want to have this child, if that's a possibility. I'm divorcing my husband now, but he's really doing his best on making my life as much like hell as possible. And mostly puts our daughter in the middle of this. That's horrible for a child. And please also consider how he'll treat your child (especially a daughter) if he is telling you that you, as his wife, have no rights and have to do what he wants. I know it's hard to see, but there will be far better husbands and dads with whom you can have a happy family. Please stay save! People who lay hands on their spouse's throat are 8 times more likely to kill them. Please don't be a part of that statistic. Leave somewhere, woman's shelter, parents, friends, but you need to leave.
People who prefer Belarus to Sweden are most likely those who can do things in Belarus that wouldn't go well in Sweden, such as spousal abuse. Please contact your parents immediately, the time to act is right now.
Fellow Swede here. Abortion. Call up, make an appointment and TALK to them! There is always a consultation first anyway, before you book the procedure. They will help you think and decide without pushing either way. Parental leave? VAB? Really cheap daycare? Free schools including uni? I could go on all day about things that are great about Sweden. Is ANY of that good in Belarus? I doubt it. You need to leave. He is dangerous. If you have this child in Sweden, he will get 50-50 custody if he wants it. And you will live the rest of your life in fear he will kidnap the kid. Even with just visitation, you will live with this fear. He sounds like a horrible human being. He thinks that you are stuck with him forever now. Prove him wrong. Please.
Succint and to the point. PLEASE listen to this advice. You are in real danger here. Decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life significantly.
What are womens’ rights like in Belarus? IIRC, DV is pretty much decriminalised in Russia so I won’t be surprised if could be similar in Belarus. In other words, Belarus may indeed be better… *for him* if he wants to abuse you 🤮
What he truly means is that he can control here better there - she will be isolated in a conservative country in which he will have more rights than her. The "better for the child" is such a lousy excuse, but it just shows that he assumes she's stupid. No offense to Belarus but on what freaking planet is growing up there better than is Sweden... That's an insane take.
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I don't know. I think because life is easier when you are not there, although obviously the protests had not happened. I wouldn't be surprised that his parents want him to come back, I don't think they wanted him to leave. And obviously I know that, there's a reason I haven't been back.
I know several people from Belarus and not a single one of them wants to ever go back. That was very suspicious to me.
He's acting this way now because he feels like he has you trapped now that you're married and pregnant. What form of birth control were you using? Honestly, he behaviour is very concerning and I would be worried that your relationship is beginning to turn abusive.
Medication. I took it every day, I never forgot. I didn't particularly want a child at that time.
You still don't have to. I wouldn't pressure anyone in either direction, no matter the circumstances, but I just wanted to remind you. I'll say it again so you can really internalize it. **You do not have to have a child at this time.**
Sounds like he likely tampered with your birth control
My first thought as well. He messed with her pills. This was not an accidental pregnancy.
He could have put it in the freezer or heated it up. It's not very temperature proof. Or changed your meds for something else, if it's not in the original packaging.
Your husband baby trap you...and now want you to go back to the country..... Also put hands on you.... Try to kill you in night.... Also bosses around you..that he is the men and can decide anything..... Just divorced him......he is a walking red flag
If you stay in Sweden, be aware that he might take your kid and return to Belarus and Belarus probably won’t collaborate with Sweden in returning your kid home. At least make sure, that the baby is Swedish citizen.
You also can register domestic abuse, if it was the case, so after divorce it will be easier to get full custody.
It’s also still early enough to terminate the pregnancy. Sad. But best not to have any connection to this abuser.
He has shown you who he is, believe him! Pls seriously consider leaving especially as he’s not even trying to apologize for laying hands on you in anger. He will absolutely do it again and more violent. I’d strongly suggest leaving when he isn’t home and you can get safely to a family member or friend. Go somewhere he won’t think of first, do not meet him alone anywhere. I know it sounds extreme but there’s a lot at stake here. Good luck and good vibes to you!
If you go and the kid is born there it will be way harder to leave and come back. He can't force you to go, find a shelter if you need to, he won't have a chance to take that child back to Belarus without you in a thousand years
I know. I'm not going there while I am still pregnant, my doctors are here, and the health care is nowhere near as good there. And I don't want to risk anything happening because of that.
Don't go at all you are way more protected against him in Sweden than in Belarus anyway, for all reasons. Stay. If he wants to go it's his problem.
Don’t ever go back there. You are not taking this seriously enough. Your husband is going to lose his mind.
Your words here are worrying me. GET OUT NOW FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD'S SAKE!
Don't go at all. He's going to kill you. Do you think it's normal to be choked by a man? Do you seriously think us other women are just dealing with that? We're not. I've NEVER been choked by my partners. That's what men do to kill women. Think about it. When have you EVER felt like choking someone? When has that ever been your reaction to anger? It's not normal. Hell, hitting isn't normal but I can at least say I've felt like hitting someone before. Choking is sadistic. He is literally getting off on the idea of you slowly dying by his hand. Don't be stupid.
Omg this 😭😭 no normal person defaults to CHOKING someone in anger. I think OP is in denial though
If you go to Belarus, and your child is part Belarusian, you will not be able to get them out. It’s just that simple.
You are speaking as if you have a future with this man. You do not! You are not safe with him. Stop considering him as your husband and start making moves to protect your child at all costs!
OP, a good friend of mine is from Belarus and studied in the U.S. She misses her family but she can NEVER go back or she won’t be able to leave again. She has made it perfectly clear that the government makes it impossible for Belarus citizens to leave after they come back after being gone so long.
If you have your child in Belarus you will not have the same social security like Sweden provides. And you will not be able to take your child to Sweden. You will be isolated. He is abusive. You are not a toddler and can make your own decisions. I can't stress enough DON'T HAVE YOUR CHILD OUTSIDE OF SWEDEN.
Do not leave Sweden. He can’t force you on a plane. Go back to your parents’ house and don’t ever meet with him alone.
Leaving Sweden to have a better life in Belarus. Lol.
OMG is this the plot of "not without my daughter' but with Belarus? Don't go there. Don't visit the country, don't go on a holiday there and don't let your child go there. Not even if he has a dying relative there. Do. not. go. "best interest of your child....." yeah, I'm sure living in Sweden, the happiest country in the world, with basically free schooling and healthcare, is not as good for your child as going to live in a dictatorship that's on the brink of war.
You need to get some space immediately. This could escalate very quickly. Marriage, pregnancy and actually having a baby are all triggers for when abuse can become obvious or get worse. You mentioned the pregnancy was accidental - what kind of contraceptives were you using? Is it possible he tampered with them or coerced you into a "just this once" risk?
I was taking medication. I don't know what happened, but I never forgot once. I wasn't opposed to a child, but I wanted to be more mentally stable first.
Exposing birth control pills to heat can cause them to degrade without necessarily appearing any visibly different.
Don't go - especially with the situation in the Ukraine at this time. You'd be too close for comfort. We all don't know what Putin's next target is. Please stay where you are, much safer and nicer. Let him go. He waving some massive red flags... Edit: after reading some of your comments... please pack up and go to your parent's house and make sure, his name will not be on the birth certificate - I'd be deathly afraid of him.
Have you seen the more recent ones? Looks like he could’ve messed with her BC. This was already a horrible story but that is :(
He choked you. When he leaves for work, pack your stuff and leave immediately. He is no longer a safe person.
My spider senses are tingling. He springs the "I am looking for a job in Belarus" just after you found out that you're pregnant, and therefore more tied to him? Let me ask you a question: How certain are you that the pregnancy was an accident? In my mind, there is no coming back from choking in anger. Plan your exit, and plan your exit fast. Seek help, from your friends, from your family, from a women's support group.
I don't know. I thought I was doing everything right, I took it every day, at the same time but I don't know.
Look, it doesn't really matter. I don't know how much chance he had to interfere with the birth control. But as others have pointed out, choking seems to be one of the most reliable indicators of later violence, even fatal violence. That's why I think there's no second chance. Look, you're still young. Yes, life as a single mother might be a bit harder, but not nearly as hard as life with an abusive husband.
It’s not the hormones. He wants you to think it’s the hormones, he wants you to think that you’re irrational and not thinking straight so that he can get you to do what he wants. He thinks now that you’re married and pregnant with his child that you’re locked in and he can treat you however he wants and do whatever he wants because you’re stuck and can’t leave. He’s wrong, you can leave. You can also decide not to have his baby. He’s displayed so many red flags in such a short amount of time that it’s easy to think this is just a fluke and everything will go back to normal. It won’t. This is who he really is, he’s finally letting it show because he thinks you can’t do anything about it. You can. Please leave him, and reconsider your pregnancy.
Make a police report and leave him immediately.
70% of strangulation is near fatal. And you're 700% more like to be killed by your partner. https://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/BTB25-PreConDV-05.pdf
And pregnancy is often a time when abuse begins or increases.
A leading cause of death of pregnant women is their husband....
Kan dina föräldrar hjälpa dig? Är du säker på att graviditeten inte var med flit från hans sida för att kunna kontrollera dig? Känn dig inte dum, dom är väldigt bra på att spela teater tills dom tror att du är fast, då tar dom av masken. Ring till kvinnofridslinjen och prata ut med dom så kan du säkert få stöd och tips 020 – 50 50 50 https://kvinnofridslinjen.se Om han försöker tvinga dig att lämna landet så göm en metallsked i underkläderna så du blir tagen åt sidan vid säkerhetskontrollen
Ja, jag tänker om jag pratar med dem. Jag vet inte, jag trodde inte det men det kunde vara möjligt. Tack för det också. Ursäkta om texten inte är korrekt, när jag är trött kan jag göra misstag :)
Jag tycker också du ska ringa kvinnofridslinjen och skaffa inte pass till bebis i första hand. Du kan också prata med din barnmorska om det som har hänt, de har ofta tillgång till resurser man inte vet om. Är ni gifta eller sambos?
The leading cause of death in pregnant women is partner violence. This is really worrying behaviour. Can you stay with family so you and the baby are safe?
He obviously does not have the child's best interest at heart (or yours obviously) when he has no problem CHOKING you!! This could easily complicate your pregnancy if he decides to "joke around" (read: potentially kill you AND the unborn child) again. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 read the following: many abusers will act nice until they have full control over the situation, aka after marriage and during/after pregnancy and then they'll start full on abusing their partners. many abusers start choking their partners during sex/play-fighting and afterwards claim the partner overreacted or they didn't mean to. this often happens before it gets even worse. most abusers choke their partners before murdering them. you and your child are in IMMEDIATE danger. leave to your parents or friends if you can, asap. get the police involved (better when you've left already). please stay safe!
“He got too far aggressive, and his hands ended up on my throat.“ His hands didn’t end up there. He put them there!!! Do not downplay this. DIVORCE HIM!!!! Don’t wait. Women are most at risk from violence from their partners when they are pregnant. And when they put their hands on your throat, the first time, that is a major red flag that he is going to get more aggressive and more likely to harm you or kill you. No, I’m not being dramatic. These are facts. Please start your plan now to escape
Abuse often starts during pregnancy because the husband feels fully in control and in possession of his wife. When someone chokes you, it never gets better. This is just the first instance. It *will* happen again. And again. And again. And it will get worse each time. And one day it might be your child underneath his hands.
Men change when women get pregnant. He has shown you who he is, believe him. Why would you move to a country that is adjacent to a country actively engaging in war and threatening to expand said war and go nuclear??
Jag skulle råda dig att ringa kvinnojouren om du kan, om du känner att du inte vill prata i telefon så kan du även chatta med Unizon. Båda är helt gratis. Det är folk som jobbar med bland annat våld i äktenskap, det är det din man utsatt dig för. Jag är lärare och jobbar i skolan här i Sverige och vi har haft elever som vuxit upp i familjer där ena föräldern är våldsam. Ofta börjar det med våld mot andra föräldern men det är inte ovanligt att våldet eskalerar till även barnen. Har din man redan tagit stryptag på dig och säger att han ska bestämma allt om era liv så är jag orolig för dig och din säkerhet. Sannolikheten att han skadar dig allvarligt ökar enormt efter att han tagit stryptag (jag tror det är 400% eller liknande). Jag tror du behöver prata med någon som är insatt i våld i nära relation men också ha stöd av dina anhöriga. Har du bra relation till föräldrar och/eller syskon tycker jag du ska berätta detta för dom och kanske be om att få bo där tillsvidare. Har din man betett sig så/haft såna åsikter tidigare eller kommer det helt från ingenstans? Har han historia i familjen av psykisk sjukdom? Är det från ingenstans kanske han har en psykos? Menar inte att det är en ursäkt, men det kan vara en förklaring. För det han säger och gör är verkligen allvarligt och jag tycker inte att du överdriver alls i att du är orolig och funderar på att lämna honom. Har du en koll på BVC snart så skulle jag faktiskt också ta upp detta med dom, att du är orolig för barnet och dig. Såklart inte med din man i rummet. Han har ingen rätt att bestämma över dig och barnet. Skulle du bestämma dig för att skilja dig måste informationen om att han vill ta barnet utomlands skrivas ner för risken finns att han kan kidnappa barnet då. Du borde få full vårdnad.
Act quickly and discretely to get to a safe place. Don’t spend any more time alone with him. Get family and friends to be around you and your unborn child.
Once he gets you out of the safe environment, he will try to have full control over you and the baby... You should never leave Sweden with him, remember that in Russia and Belarus domestic abuse is treated as something normal
There are organisations in Sweden that can help you to leave your husband safely. Please make sure you put your documents (passport and birth certificate and any qualifications) somewhere very safe. Preferably with your family.
You need to run. He wants you isolated. He is escalating already. His hands around your neck ? Nooo. He wants to control you and isolate you that's a dangerous combo.
Hands don't just "end up" on your throat. He put them there deliberately. Its not your hormones, it's not your emotions, it's your sense of self preservation. You don't need to stay married to a man who tried to choke you during sex.
As a person who is currently living in Russia I can say one thing - the decision to move to Belarus now is as idiotic as possible. Family violence cannot be forgiven, you should file a police report against him. And of course, he has no right to control your life. P.S. Regardless of the terrible events that happened to you, I hope you will remember your roots and learn Belarusian and teach your children this language (because it is on the verge of extinction).
I am aware, no one should be living there. And I barely remember it, and even if I did, I want nothing to do with that country and never have.
Your husband put his hands on your throat. Husbands who do that kill their wives. Get away from your husband.
This is not as easy as everyone seems to think. Sweden is much more “civilized”, but it has one of the worst custody laws in the world for abused women. Even if he attacks you, the courts are likely to grant him 50% custody if he as much as asks for it. He might not know it though, so don’t inform him. You can still get abortion. It’s of course your own choice, but Sweden allows it up to I think week 16 or 18. Getting full custody in Belarus would be far easier. But there you have the unfamiliarity and it’s no longer your “home” country. Generally (I am familiar with both countries), I would recommend to stay where your home is (Sweden) I am so sorry to say this - but you need to get away from him. You can also go and file a report with police (it is not too late!). They will do risk assessment and you will score extremely high. It will get harder once you are further along the pregnancy. You will have more dependence on him. The abuse will increase. If you are not ready to go to police - tell all of this to a friend. Write a diary (electronic is fine, send an email to yourself) that documents every abuse that happened. Take photos and go to specialized hospital to get doctor’s sign off on your injuries. If you can safely do that - put a phone recorded on when he is around and you are having a discussion. Trust me - this will all come in very handy.
Have an abortion and leave him.
Who in their right mind would want to raise a child in Belarus right now compared to Sweden? Thats just insane. Don’t go, and divorce this man, he’s shown his true colours and if you did go, you would be isolated away from family, and then God only knows how he will treat you!
Abusers often start right after the pregnancy does. They feel they have the partner "locked down" and they can finally start being themselves. This part: >he got far too aggressive and his hands ended up on my throat... You're in danger. This man will kill you. I am not joking. Take this seriously. Tell your family what this man did and tell them what happens to many women next. The stats are clear: once the choking starts the murder is soon to follow.
>he got far too aggressive and his hands ended up on my throat. >he then started for some reason complaining about how dramatic I was being about this whole pregnancy He had his hands on your throat and somehow, it's your fault for being dramatic. Him putting his hands on your throat is dramatic and extremely disturbing. How long have you known you're pregnant? Maybe, a few weeks as you're only 8 weeks right now. He's escalating fast. Lookup DARVO. He's trying to blame you for his violence against you. You need to leave him yesterday. He will only get worse. His mask has now come off, you are now seeing the real him. This is common after marriage or pregnancy because they think they have you trapped. He will only become more violent the longer you stay with him. You need to leave immediately for the safety of both yourself and the child you are growing inside you.
OP, please note your passive voice, here: "...his hands ended up on my throat." Please pay careful attention to the language you used here, as it makes excuses for him, implies that his hands did this independently, of their own volition, with no involvement from his conscious mind. You see where I'm going with this, right? He made a calculated, deliberate CHOICE to choke you, because he hopes to scare you into blindly obeying him in all things. It's also HIGHLY likely he will kill you if he doesn't get his way.